Bad Day

What did I do today? You’re going to be sorry you asked. Today has been the
absolute worst day of my entire life and it’s only 1 pm. I had so many things
planned, and it was supposed to be the best day ever. This morning, I went to
Starbucks to pick up muffins and iced vanilla chai lattes for me and Haley and
Jessica, but the barista spilled one of the coffees all over me. After that, I was still
determined to have the best day ever, so I decided to drive home real quick to
change out of my coffee-stained shirt. On the way to go meet them for some
morning shopping, I got a flat tire. But I decided to call roadside assistance to get
my car towed and have Haley come pick me up and not let it ruin the day. We met
Jessica there, and we were having fun shopping until we went to a really expensive
store to try things on for fun and I accidentally tore a dress I was trying on. That
was definitely a costly mistake. At that, I asked Haley to drive me back home
because frankly, I could not handle one more mishap. But she insisted that it was
all just coincidence and Jessica said that she would help me cover the cost of the
dress. Then they talked me into going over to the zoo to see the new habitat for the
turtle that had been just added. But I was worried because there were so many
things that could go wrong at the zoo. So, this shouldn’t come as a surprise. I was
at the zoo and a monkey pooped on my head. Yes, I’m serious. It came from out of
nowhere like I don’t even know how the monkey got where I was so it could poop
on my head specifically. I decided that was it, that was the last straw. I walked six
miles home in my new heels because I knew that if I ever stepped foot in a car it
would probably explode. (pause) Tomorrow? What am I doing tomorrow? You’re
out of your mind if you are considering going somewhere with me.