Navigating the darker side of philanthropic relationships

Tony Kieti

While the world basks in the light of love during this Valentine’s week, it would be
appropriate to stop for a moment and look at the darker side of relationships, even the
charitable ones.

Philanthropic relationships can sometimes resemble a delicate dance, where a co-dependent

relationship that starts positively can develop into a toxic one, much like the problems of
codependency in dating life. As in all cases of entanglements, it is important to identify the
early signs of toxicity and take timely mitigating actions to save both parties from mutual
destruction.

The signs of toxicity in donor-recipient relationships can manifest in many different ways,
similar to how they do in personal relationships. Warning signs can include ignoring set
boundaries, a need for total control, or a lack of respect for the recipient's self-determination
– the fundamental right of people to shape their own lives. If these early signs are ignored,
they can lead to serious consequences, such as distraction from the organization’s founding
mission, disruption of the decision-making, and destruction of the recipient’s values.

It is important to analyze the impact of a toxic donor’s behavior on the organization’s

autonomy. If their influence starts to overshadow the organization's ability to operate
independently and threatens its mission, it is a clear sign that the relationship is already
harmful. While short-term successes might seem attractive, they are dwarfed by the long-term
effects that the erosion of autonomy and values brings about.

Communication is essential in navigating through these difficult situations. Clearly defining

boundaries and raising concerns about the donor's influence could be the basis for a change in
direction. A true donor who cares about the organization’s well-being will respect these
boundaries and will cooperate to resolve any difficulties.

The donor’s reaction to these limitations can provide valuable insights. A positive attitude is
a good sign, indicating a potential for rehabilitation. However, if the donor is unwilling to
accept the situation or even tries to make it worse, it may be a sign of severe toxicity that it
will not be difficult to address.

In such scenarios, seeking external, unbiased views are always crucial. Consulting board
members, trusted colleagues, or industry experts can help you see the possible directions of
action and get the necessary support during challenging times. This is the same way; you
need trusted confidantes and friends during a difficult patch in a relationship.

When toxicity persists despite efforts to mitigate it, it may be necessary to develop a well-
defined exit strategy. This could involve seeking alternative funding sources or revenue
streams, restructuring projects, or taking other steps to reduce dependence on the toxic donor.

Ultimately, the organization’s well-being should be the top priority, even if it means
sacrificing short-term gains. If breaking ties with the toxic donor is necessary to preserve the
organization’s values and mission, it should be done decisively. Transparent and
straightforward communication of this decision, while emphasizing the organization’s
adherence to its fundamental principles, is of utmost importance.

After breaking up with a toxic donor, the focus should shift to recovery and expansion.
Freedom, a solid organizational structure, and attracting donors who share the same mission
become top priorities.

Just as people protect their well-being by eliminating toxic relationships, organizations need
to safeguard their autonomy and values in philanthropy to ensure a healthier and more
sustainable future. On the other hand, when trust and open communication exist, donors, just
like in any relationship are more likely to maintain their support over time, contributing to the
long-term sustainability of the cause.

Essentially, engaging in respectful and collaborative relationships with beneficiaries can

broaden the donor's perspective and understanding, fostering personal growth and a deeper
connection to the cause.

As we celebrate Valentine’s week, let us also hope for a future filled with more healthy and
sustainable partnerships. These partnerships should not be as volatile as the highs and lows of
Valentine's week, but rather provide much more long-lasting rewards.

Let love, in all its forms, be the guiding force that steers us on the path of positive
transformation.

The author, an experienced communications expert with more than a decade of practice,
devotes his time to social impact.

Tony.kieti18@gmail.com