Good Morning, I Love You!

Preface

This is the story of how I lost everything I had and loved the most, and how much I learned from
that.

I hope this book reaches you out in the meantime and, as God and Jesus helped me to get
through my grieving process, I pray my story helps you out, and embrace you and make you
feel warm and loved.

I pray my story reminds you how important it is for us to be gentle with our own family and how
meaningful it is to show them, every single chance we get, how much we love them.

Before it is too late.

There’s a saying here in Brazil that quotes: “I love you is not Good Morning”.

Well… Then I must tell you: It should be.

Not to be said as a banality, but to be said meaningfully.

Everyone is all about “words are powerful”, “you attract the energy you emanate”, and all that
stuff. But, I wonder, have they ever even just tried to live meaningfully?

Life is too short to not tell our family and friends how much we love them. And I just realized that
saying it often is never enough. We should tell them every single day. Not only in words, but
also in actions.

I’m not sure if is it because I’m facing such a hard grieving process, or if I just learned the most
important lesson ever in my entire life, all I know is this:

Tell the people you care about how much you love them. Every single day. Every single
morning. Every single chance you get.
The world is just going so insane, that we need to remind people how precious they are. We
need to remind them that there is a God in Heaven, that so loved the world, that He has given
His Only Son, so those whoever would believe Him, should never perish, but gain the Eternal
Life in Jesus Christ.

So, yes, my friends. I love you is not as banal as a mindless good morning, but our days surely
should start with:

Good Morning, I Love You!

Chapter I

Regrets

I wish I had told her much more often how much I loved her... I wish I had been more
comprehensive about her pain, and efforts to face life with the tiny spark of joy she still had left
in her heart... I wish I'd never told her to turn down the volume of the songs she liked to listen to
when she was trying so hard to lift herself up… But I wasn’t paying enough attention to what she
was going through… I had no clue at all…

In two days it will be exactly nine months since my mother passed away. Our relationship never
was from the very best ones, but we were everything to each other down on this earth. She, my
sister and I. Three brave ladies that faced life all by themselves, having only God (and the
people He, Himself would point out to be by our side in the times of the extreme need) for us.
Well, those who have God standing for them, what else could they wish for, right?

So... My mom and I would fight a lot, yet... I'd give anything to have the chance to hug her one
more time…

Regrets are part of the things that we face when we lose someone we love, you know?... But it's
important to understand that life is what it is and each story is exactly as it is meant to be, it
doesn't matter what we think we could have done differently.

The chance to do it differently is today. The chance to make sure the ones you love know how
much you love them is right now. Don't ever miss the chance to show and say it, because...
Once they're gone, all you get left with are those "I wishes"...
Hospitals

My mom's last days started on May 23rd, 2022... I was angry about a really silly thing, a hose
that I couldn't fix on a tap. We barely know the real health condition of my mom... Back in 2015
she had breast cancer and about a year or so before that May's afternoon we had found out that
the cancer had reached her liver and her bones...

But mom was so tough, and she would never make it look like she was in pain... Which led me
to make some of the greatest mistakes I could ever make towards her: Not believing how much
she was really in pain...

Until that afternoon.

As mom tried to fix the hose to try to appease my anger and frustration, she lost the movement
of her legs, and couldn't get up any more... Then I called the emergency services, and by 4pm
we were checking into the hospital... The first day of 4 months that would look like an eternity
and also pass in a blink of the eye...

I spent the afternoon at the hospital's halls and corridors, while my mom was taken into the
emergency room. Sometimes I would sing a worship song, so she would know I was there for
her.

As the doctors would take such a long time to tell me what was going on, that afternoon was
moving from one test room to another: x-rays, spine ultrasound... And no answer at all. The
doctors told me they would keep her in observation until the morning, and as the night would fall
and the halls would get colder and colder, I that had completely forgotten to take any money, or
keys or documents of mine besides the essential to check into the hospital, called an uber and
asked to the driver to wait for me that I would take the same car to get back into the hospital. It
was already almost midnight. I hadn't eaten anything, and my sister prepared me a couple
sandwiches and fresh vegetables cooked on vapor.

I took everything I needed, a warm coat, a fluffy scarf that mom had knitted to me, some money
to get the bus back to me in the morning and my color pencils case...

That would be the longest night of my life.

Chapter II

Kindness Over The Pain

As the night would advance, I couldn't sleep and finally I felt hungry. So I went to the reception
hall to charge my phone and eat the meal my sister had prepared for me.

Then, a whole family bursted into the hospital in deep agony. A young lady would cry over her
brother so loud and desperately, that it was hard to figure out what was going on... Yet, the Holy
Spirit has touched my heart so profoundly and asked me to stop whatever I was doing and go
and ask that girl if I could pray for her at that moment. She had agreed, and then told me that
she had just lost her brother, who worked on buildings and had fallen from the 40th floor of a
building he was working on, dying immediately.

I couldn't help, but swallow up my pain and just hold her tight for a couple minutes, cry with her
and pray for her.

That showed to me that, when we are in our deepest pain, helping others is what makes us
stronger to face up to our own adversities.

A Gratitude Gesture Makes Difference

As I write those memories, I can still feel the smell of the hospital, from the nights I've spent
there besides that first one.

See the cover of this book?

This drawing has such a painful and beautiful meaning to me. This is the drawing I made on that
first night I spent at the hospital.

A couple hours after I prayed with that girl, I went back to my spot at the doors of the room my
mom had been taken to. She was asleep and had no idea I was still there, looking after her... By
3am I started drawing this little one, and coloring it... As the night nurses came and went, they
would just look quickly and move on on their ways taking care of the patients. I learned later that
it was such a pretty calm night at the hospital... And it was indeed...
Around 4am I fell asleep with my drawing on show, half done, and my color pencils case as my
pillow... By 5:30 I woke up and started finishing the drawing, and the nurses that were coming
and going would now take a longer look into my drawing.

Once it was done, the nurses chief would look at me and say: "You really spent the night here?
You are so brave and must love your mother so much... You did that drawing? It's beautiful!" ,
and then moved on again to her tasks.

By 9am I was already getting desperate, because the orthopedist that had examined my mom
had told me she would be released by the morning, and no one would allow me to see her...
Then I ran from room to room, until I found him, and then he told me he would keep my mom
there for a couple days, until he would get further exams...

Then I came back home. Mom was transferred to a more comfortable room with other patients
that didn't have a really serious condition and was getting very well treated.

About one or weeks had passed, and I decided to say thank you to the nurses that were taking
care of her so diligently, and bought them a simple chocolate cake and decided to give the
drawing to them.

What I could never, ever, imagine is that they would be so happy to have this drawing dedicated
to them. I would never dream of how they are poorly treated by the patient's relatives, and how
my small gesture would turn their days around and make them so happy...

That helped me to face that season with some lightness…

Chapter III

Dealing With It

Mom has always been a really brave and tough person, she would hide her pain so well, at least
to me, that sometimes you would forget that she was seriously ill. So, when she got into the
hospital, we would kind of feel blind about her real condition, except that the doctors would
really look after her closely as much as they would get.

Today is June 4th, 2023. By this time, exactly one year ago, my routine was take care of the
house, paint and draw some watercolor handmade postcards and oil on canvas ordered
paintings, and take time to visit my mom at the hospital, if not every day, at least as often as we
could, my sister and I.

Fall and Winter in Brazil are often lovely, sunny and pleasantly warm in the sun, while the
weather itself is cold. Whenever it was my turn to spend time with mom at the hospital, and
unfortunately it would always be short, because we were all alone to take care of everything
else, I would make to pick up a flower I could find on my way to the hospital, and take it to her,
so she could feel how much I loved her and wanted her to still be able to see some beauty,
being in such a sad place... Sometimes I would spend the night there with her, sometimes my
sister would... My sister did it more times than I did, but... In the end, it was up to me.

There was this bakery in front of the hospital, that I would take my breakfast at... Even through
the pain, I was still able to appreciate the beauty of the cold sunny mornings and enjoy the
sympathy of the stray dogs coming after me. I had to stay positive somehow…
Parallel Problems

The day my mom checked into the hospital, our fridge simply stopped working. And it took us
three days to find out we didn't have our fridge anymore. Only when the vegetables and the
meat began to smell bad, we found out that our fridge wasn't refrigerating.

So, in the urgency of the moment, my sister looked for a technician on the internet, and we
called the first one that was indicated by a search tool. We had so much on our plate that we
didn't have the nerve to check on the reviews on the service we were about to hire.

Double nightmare.

The man didn't inspire the least spark of trust, and as he was "repairing" the fridge, he would
look all around the house, to check if there was a man with us or any valuable thing he could
take. He charged us a small fortune, for pretending to fix our fridge. The next day it stopped
working again.

Back then I didn't have the serenity I have today, and my sister was way much more diplomatic
than I was, so I asked her to try to contact the guy to see if he could fix it or give us back the
money. Another calvary... The man would slip away for weeks, until I decided to be firm and tell
him that if he wouldn't solve the problem, I would take the action needed to get it solved, and let
him know that I knew what his real intentions were.

That was my mistake.

Under pressure the man came back to "fix" the fridge, but this time we had one of our neighbors
with us, and she would follow up what he was doing, because her husband is used to doing
such repairs and we had the same fridge... But it was useless. Instead of repairing the fridge,
the man got the prodigy to make the fridge heat instead of refrigerate.

Back then we had this driver that was helping us with the comings and goings to the hospital, so
he offered his presence to help us manage dealing with the guy, that now, not only wouldn't give
it back our money, but was subtly threatening our safety too. And there it went, another month
without fridge and now without money as well.

Meanwhile, we would always visit mom at the hospital, almost every day, and not mention a
single word about what we were going through and dealing with alone, first, because she loved
that fridge so much, and second, because we would never get her concerned about us.

And we got to keep the secret long enough.

Chapter IV

Radiotherapy

Mom was held at the hospital not for one or two days or weeks. But, even though we knew the
problem was serious, we had no clue how serious it was... As the time went by, we tried our
best to transfer mom to the hospital where she had her cancer treatment. The hospital mom
was, didn't have any oncologist doctors, and she was in the general care. Despite not having a
proper structure for cancer patients, that public hospital was doing such an extraordinary job in
taking care of my mother...

As we tried to transfer her to get proper treatment from the doctor who was taking care of her
health condition, we wouldn't get any answer from them. After so much insistence, mom got to
take an appointment, but her doctor wasn't there to meet us. The lack of interest and the team in
that hospital, the one where my mom had her cancer treatment, were really sickening, as I will
describe more detailedly in the next chapters...

After this forceful appointment, where my mom's doctor didn't show up, because unfortunately
she had a really very serious problem at her house, yet it was the third time she wouldn't show
up on the days of consult that my mom was settled in, who had checked on my mother was
another doctor, that I better keep for myself what I do think about the way the would check on
my mother... Not because it was my mother, but because he couldn't be more careless not only
to her, but to some other patients.

For so much insisting on my and my sister's side, we got that the hospital would settle a couple
radiotherapy sessions for mom...

And that would be the first time ever she would feel sick and throw out in her whole treatment.
She had been battling the cancer since 2015... Or even earlier, but she would never tell
us.Chapter IV - Radiotherapy (cont.)

After so much struggle with the hospital in Rio Bonito (mom was hospitalized in Itaboraí, where
she was receiving such an amazing care), they settle a battery of radiotherapy sessions in
Niterói. The clinic where she would take the radiotherapy was in one of my most favorite
neighborhoods in the city, and that would work for us as a going out to a nice place...

It was the first week of July...

I would get up early every day the five days of the radiotherapy, arrive at the hospital in Itaboraí
by 7am-9am, and we would wait for the availability of the ambulances to take my mom to the
appointments.
All the team had such a real tenderness and love for my mother... What can I say? She was a
spark of joy and life wherever she would go!
Shame on me, that wouldn't ever get to see or enjoy it, because at home we would struggle so
much in our daily convivence, that we wouldn't appreciate each other best qualities and traits...

As I described before, the winter in Brazil is often sunny, cold and pleasantly luminous, making
the colors around more vivid and brightefuller. And the ambulance team would get a chance to
take a break in a nice bakery on Ingá, the Niterói neighborhood where my mom was taking her
radiotherapy sessions.

I would come with her, stay, and get back home immediately after we got back to the hospital in
Itaboraí. It didn't matter how many times I would ask my mother if she would want me to stay
there with her, she would always say no, and send me home... Well... I should never have
believed her... If I could, I would have done differently and spending more time with her at the
hospital since, being a daughter, that was a privilege I had...

But... what did I know back then?

Chapter IV - A Lonely Birthday

My sister was working at a clothing store at a big mall in Niterói, all of my friends were naturally
busy with their lives, and as things must be, the world kept turning around and moving on as I
was facing my own battles...

July 12th came and... Nothing helped. A few people that I've never met in person wrote me
some lovely messages on Facebook, one or two acquaintances would give me a call, but... to
the closest ones... Well it was like that day never existed.

And all I could do was just hold on, in silence, and trying not to complain, after all... The world
doesn't turn around me, right?...

Chapter V

A Breathe In Week

I may have had an extremely lonely birthday, but the next few days to come were days of
extraordinary meetings and learning what true love looks like.
Every year, the Global Missions Project bring together musicians that have never met each
other (except for the ones who often participate on the missionary trips to different countries),
and create a fabulous orchestra and big band with the musicians of the countries they visit.

I have the honor to play and work together with them since 2011.

The subsequent days, beginning in July 15th. That Friday afternoon was an afternoon of
meeting new people, making new friends, reencountering old ones, and having the greatest
pleasure to meet again my life mentor: Mr. Camp Kirkland. When I grow up I want to be as
smart and wise as he is!

Our rehearsals would start by 1pm, and would endure until 7:30pm. They took place in the
hotel's they were staying rooftop, and we had the pleasure of enjoying a pretty nice view of the
Rio de Janeiro city while playing all afternoon long.

Being the only cellist in the group, I was trying my best to play and translate the instructions
from english to portuguese to the musicians who didn't speak english. But I guess this wouldn't
quite work, so Mr. Camp picked up my violinist friend to do the translations, after all we had
three more violins, and I was the only one in the cello.

As the sun was setting, we had a break to enjoy the view and eat something, before keeping up
until we got the repertoire done.

That day was a relieve to my soul.

Chapter V (cont.)

Heavenly Meetings

On Sunday, July 17th, something really unpleasant was about to take my joy to be with my
brothers of Celebration Orchestra. The brazilian pastor who had invited the orchestra made sure
to keep me out of the orchestra's morning activities, which got me really upset, since I've setlled
in my heart that that week I would be exclusively with them.

Realizing that my presence was "dismissable" for the brazilian leadership (but happily not for the
visitors), my heart was taken by such an awful bitterness and sadness. That made me refuse to
participate on the afternoon music workshops and spend time with those people that I was really
yearning to meet and spent time with.

And, since my mother was at the hospital, and was longing to get back home after the
radiotherapy sessions, I decided to go to the hospital and verify what were the doctors opinions
about it. She had no condition to get back home. She was really much better at the hospital, but
her stubbornness would cost us such a high price, as you all will see further ahead.
Decided not to show up at all to the orchestra's appointments that day, I spent my afternoon at
the hospital, with such a heavy heart, and my mom was also really annoying and behaving
pretty ungratefully while I was around trying to look for what was the best for her.

After a couple hours, the Holy Spirit has begun whispering softly in my heart:

- Will you really let that bitterness keep you away from My Presence? Was that poor attitude of
the leadership really bigger than your will to worship and praise Me?

Then I said in my heart:

- No... But, Father, You know I have settled my heart for Your Service this whole week! That's
not fair that they wouldn't value or appreciate my dedication and time, specially on the present
circumstances! Well, if they do not want me there, then I better stay and look after my mother,
after all, she is most important than anything else.

And, again, the Holy Spirit whispering tenderly:

- Will you really allow that bitterness take over your heart and keep you away from the
communion you've been longing for to strengthen your heart? Will you really let everyone else
down being the only cellist in the whole group? Will you really step away from spending time
with Me and your brothers and sister that are longing to get to know you as well?

To hear God's loving and comforting voice in my heart was settling me down and, as my mom
would keep complaining and getting mad at me, I decided to show up at least for the evening
concert, even if I would arrive late, no matter what, I would come and play my best to Jesus.

I just didn't expect what an amazing gift I would get that night!
Chapter VI

Perfect Timing

As the afternoon goes, once I was done with all the informations I needed to get at the hospital
about the procedures to take mom back home, I decided to come and play at the evening
concert at the church of the main host to the orchestra. I was already convinced that I would
arrive late but, at that moment, all that would matter to me was just to make it.

However, when it's God's plans, His timing is just perfect.

Since I wasn't planning to show up at all, I would have to stop at home and get myself properly
dressed for a concert. I thought I would take such a long time waiting for the transport, but God
has sent a van that was almost flying! And a path that I would make in half an hour, I made if in
fifteen minutes!

Shower taken, make up, a black long dress, a crystal necklace, a perfume my sister gave me as
a birthday gift, and my wine velvet slippers on, I put my cello on my back and met myself at the
bus stop by 5pm. The bus to Niterói arrived about 20 minutes of waiting, and again, I don't know
if it was the bus that was flying or if it was Father slowing down the time so I could make it. All I
know is that I got right on time for the first song!

As the concert goes, my other brazilian musician friends would tell me the got some bad news
to tell me. As poisoned as my heart was by what had happened in the morning, I thought that I
would be cutted off the tour because I didn't show up to help translate the music workshops...
My heart started to get heavy again.

During the concerts, there's always a moment when someone is allowed to give a testimony of
the miracles God has done in their lives. That evening there was a lady from that church that
would share the amazing experience she had of being cured from cancer.

Well... If I had planned not to drag too much attention over me during that evening, everything
that happened got just the opposite effect that I had wished for, like walking in the middle of the
crowded aisle as the first song was about to start, having to put an extra chair so I could play,
and at that testimony moment the cherry in the top: I started crying and sobbing desperately!
And, as much as I would try to control myself, it would only get worse to the point of losing my
breath at times.

It was comprehensible, though... I had just left from a visit at the hospital as my mom was facing
her last battle against the cancer... Only I had no clue it was her last...

Chapter VII
So, This Is How Being Loved Feels Like?

The concert was over, and everyone in the orchestra was really concerned about me, and if I
was in good health. I was, I gues... Except that, it was sort of natural that I would burst into
tears, coming from the hospital and listening to such amazing story and testimony.

After talking to some of the lovely ladies in the orchestra, we went to the church's rooftop, where
would be served a dinner to us. Embarrassed by my nothing discreet entrance and performance
at the concert, I choose an isolated table, where no one would be bothered by my presence.

I could never know that, on that very night I would meet someone that would change my life
forever.

As I waited for the old gentleman that noticed I was sitting all by myself come back from being
served his dinner, a tall, handsome and very fine gentleman approached and asked me if could
he take a seat beside me. I smiled and said: "Yes, sure!".

As I was having my dinner I really wondered why such a fine man would choose to sit right by
my side, with so many other available places. As he noticed my wonderings, he began asking
me some questions about my life here, and I asked him how was he liking his trip to Brazil, and,
at a certain moment I felt free to ask why would he sit by my side, and then he answered: "I felt
like you're someone who has so much to say".

And that was the very first time I was actually heard in my entire life. Ever!

Connection

As the week passes, we grew such a deep friendship. Like two long lost old friends that would
understand each other just in a glance. We wouldn't spend much time together, but the little
moments we had the chance to share were deep and precious.

With him I learned how being truly appreciated feels like, how amazing it is to have someone to
share your silences with. And that's how I discovered silence has color.

I will never forget how I felt honored, protected, blessed, cherished and safe whenever he was
around.

Whenever we had the chance, we would sit together every after concert dinner, and we would
always share each other's meal. Sometimes we would even choose different things, so we
could have the chance to taste from each other's plate. Such was our soul intimacy. No big deal,
though... Just a deep, honest and pure soul connection.

It was from him that I heard the most sincere "I love you", again, for the first time in my life. Ever.
There was no physical contact, no second intentions, no second thoughts, just this pure and
genuine love and friendship. And nothing else.

Then the moment to say goodbye came, and the last memory I have from him is when in our
very last moment together our longest, and perhaps deepest silence, translated into a goodbye
hug that would smell like heaven and make our both hearts slow down. Just calm and settle
down each other's soul.

And then we would never speak again... Life is what it is.

Chapter VIII

The Real Nightmare Begins

Mom just wouldn't accept staying at the hospital, even though she was being well assisted and
had even started improving on slowing recovering her legs movements due the physiotherapy
she was getting at the hospital.

As I was still engaged on the orchestra tour, my sister went to the hospital and brought mom
back home. Once I got back from the last concert, I would find mom fallen in the ground from
the couch, completely covered in her excrement, as we didn't have any resource to clean her or
even get her up, because she was really heavy and we didn't have any preparation to deal with
her in such conditions at home.

I still had one last mission into accompanying the orchestra to the airport and, with heavy heart,
I left mom with the promise I would be back bringing her the diapers and the medicines she was
in need.

As I was caught in the traffic, it took me a long time to get back home, and for my grateful
surprise, mom got to manage asking for help to our neighbors, and they helped her getting a
shower, cleaned her up, and she was laying at the couch.

Mom was really such a stubborn and a pretty hard person to deal with... But... The following
events were the moments I loved her the most.

I was still grieving the goodbye to my soul brother, but our deep connection gave me strength to
face what was about to come.
Chapter VIII (cont.)

From Hospital to Hospital

While mom was at the hospital in Itaboraí, we have tried as much as we could to transfer her to
a hospital where she could get her treatment properly, preferably the hospital in Rio Bonito,
where she had the doctor who was making her cancer evolution accompaniment. Unsuccessful,
since the hospital wouldn't answer to our requests.

As she was back at home, I had to learn how to take care of her, and keep the house as clean
as possible, since we have been all by ourselves our whole life. It was not easy at all, but...
Somehow I was still grateful I had her around, even though most of times I would feel a bit
drained out or upset that she wouldn't never make things easier for me, or just tired. Yet, I still
had this gratitude feeling in my heart, because I knew that God was in control of the whole
situation.

We kept looking for a hospital to get her interned again, so she could have a much better care
than I could give to her at home. And that was something that would make her sad, because
she would always think that we were trying to get rid of her. Never. All we wanted was that she
could have a better care than I could ever provide, though...

By the middle of August, I got to talk to her doctor, and managed to get an authorization to the
hospital in Rio Bonito take mom in, but... That was a huge mistake...

People over there could care less about their patients. Some nurses were more concerned into
keep on making their plans of going out and overcharhing the nurse chief that spent all day long
running room to room at the hospital, while we were waiting for the hospital answer if they would
take mom in or send me back home with her. She's got then pneumonia due to so much
medication... so the hospital decided to took her in, to three days later call me late at night to
provide a car or an ambulance to take her back to home.

By 10pm on August 11th, I was desperate, trying to figure out if should I call again the
neighbor's son who took us to Rio Bonito, or if should I wait until the morning, because I didn't
know if was it mom putting pressure on me again, or if was it really the hospital sending her
away... I was mad, because I thought it was mom just putting pressure, as she was used to do
to us.

It was not.

I decided to "accept" the pressure and got to call the guy, for God's divine providence, he was
really coming around and accepted the job, and by 11 o'clock we arrived to the hospital, where
the nurses and team in charge at that moment barely told me anything, didn't allow me to check
on my mother's exams, and just said they were releasing the public patients, because they were
about to receive new patients from private health-care.
By midnight we were back home. It was a mix of relief that she was back home so we could take
care of her better than she was treated at that hospital, and a heavy heart that things were kind
of getting worse...

By then, I had already figured out how to take a good care of mom, within my possibilities, and...
it was sort of my chance to bond with her like we never did before…

Chapter IX

Into The Hospital. Again

This, perhaps, is the hardest chapter for me to write right now...

As the time passes, my days are reduced into changing mom in the morning, afternoon and
night, trying to get some house tasks done and, sometimes, drawing, so I can keep my sanity
on check.

It was visible how the life was vanishing away from her eyes...

My church stepped up and gave me support with buying diapers, medicine, helping me to pay
the bills that I wasn't able to pay, bringing me food.

My neighbors and I created a sort of schedule, so mom could keep being assisted when I had to
leave to give my music lessons.

I would face it all, most of the time, alone, as my sister was working really hard both on her own
business and in a clothing shop at a big mall in Niterói...

Sometimes, my neighbors would help me to bring mom out, so she could take some sunbath...

And everyday, I would wake up, sometimes exhausted, would change mom's diapers, clean her
up in a way that only I could do, to make sure she was all clean and fresh on the measure of the
possible. Sometimes I would do it singing as I was crying... Sometimes I would get upset with
mom's complaints... Sometimes I would just love her as best as I could... Then I would step out
to clean up the backyard, always singing a gratitude song.

Then it came the third check into the hospital. This time she didn't get a nice room, the hospital
was full and she couldn't get transferred. She has seen the most terrifying scenes a patient
could have ever seen as someone would always die around her in the emergency room.
This one lasted 3 days... as she made the hospital call me, saying that I had abandoned her
there...

It was cold and rainy, and the rain wouldn't give a rest. I still don't know if, back then, was the
sky really that dark in that winter, or if was it my mood and everything I was facing that made me
perceive it darker. Sometimes with beautiful colors by the sunset, yet, the darkest winter I've
ever seen...

Preparing The Heart

As mom had made such a fuss in the hospital, by saying that we had abandoned her there, the
hospital has called me and I had to run to visit her, as she demanded I would bring her back
home.

It was so cold and I didn't have a single moment just to rest and breathe in for the last three
months... It wouldn't stop raining and I was absolutely drained, emotionally, mentally and
physically...

When I arrived at the hospital, the doctor in charge told me that calling the relatives was a
standard procedure, specially when the patient would claim to have been abandoned by the
family... I told him I didn't leave her at the hospital so I could enjoy life. I told him and ai begged
him to hold her there a bit more, at least just until the next morning, so I could get some rest and
take her back home in the morning.

The doctor then told me that the hospitals policies are that they cannot hold back a cancer
patient against the patient will. As he saw I was completely broken inside and outside, he gently
recommended me to talk to the hospital psychologist, that they always had one to help the
patients families that were accompaning their relatives at the hospital.

I might have talked for about two hours, about the most random subjects and how messy my
heart was...

Then, I went to see my mom, and promised her I would pick her up in the morning. The nurses
allowed me to stay with her a bit... and I left her... She, upset... and I... Heavyhearted.

Chapter X

Mom's Last Weeks

As I arrived home from that traumatic afternoon's visit, the only thing I was able to do was just
bow my knees down and cry out begging for God's mercy on mom and on me. And then I cried
myself to sleep. As usual, my sister came home late from work...
The next morning was a relief, though... It was a bit warm and sunny, all the moods were a little
better and I headed myself early to the hospital. It was really rushy over there, and I had to wait
for the doctor to allow me to see mom and let her know I was there, so we could wait for an
ambulance to bring her back home. In the measure of the possible, they allowed me to stay at
the emergency room with mom for a few moments, before the arrival of the ambulance.

Once home, we got to do something we didn't have the chance to do together for a long, long
time: Sit together at the breakfast table and enjoy our meal together. Sister had already left to
work.

I must say that, breakfast was our family moment. The moment when the three of us would sit
together at the table and talk about most any and everything. And that's when the last weeks
begun...

Assistance

As mom was growing weaker and weaker, my neighbors would help me taking care of her.
Specially Mrs. Waldeci, a lovely old lady full of joy and life in her soul. Mrs. Edna would always
mind to come and give my mom a bath whenever she could.

My church sent some deacons and the local public medical assistance would always come over
to check on mom, and verify if everything was in order. Well... somehow it was, considering the
circumstances and the resources we had at the moment.

On her very last days, we would ask some men of the neighborhood to help us out to bring mom
to the children park that there was at the condominium, so she could get some sunshine... And
she would ask me to steal some roses from our wall to wall neighbor's garden. Despite the
suffering, those are some sweet memories from those moments, though...

Then, there came a day that medical assistance came over and recommended that she should
get back at the hospital. That was the moment she realized there was no way back...