The Difference Between Letting Go and

Giving Up
Allie Schwab

Social Worker | Trauma Coach | Writer | Founder

3 articles Follow
March 8, 2023

“I feel like such a failure because my marriage ended. I’m sure God is disappointed
with me. What will my church think of me now?! Did I let go or give up on us?"

Right after I left my abusive marriage, I immediately felt like a failure. My mind
tugged back and forth trying to conclude if I had quit my marriage or if I had it let
go. I was engulfed in shame and confusion.

Divorce brings out many different questions and feelings. Being divorced as a
Christian adds more shame because we are worried about what God and the church
think of us.

The difference between letting go and giving up is considerable. Knowing the

difference between the two is crucial because it will help with your mental healing.

You will be able to make healthier conclusions about yourself, what happened to you
and where you are going. It is easier to heal emotionally and mentally when you
know the truth.

What Does it Mean to Give Up?

When you give up, you are abandoning or quitting a goal, decision or intention
without making an effort to change or improve the situation.

For example, in high school, I quit the girl’s volleyball team because I was intimidated
by the other players. I felt I was not good enough, and therefore did not belong
there. Even though I knew the game well, and LOVED it, my lack of confidence
resulted in me giving up. I didn’t make an effort to practice more, talk to the coach or
work on my mindset.

Nope. I just quit.

Giving up results in a feeling of defeat which may leave us feeling frustrated,
disappointed, hopeless or in despair. Giving up is also viewed as having negative
connotations or attitudes attached to it because it implies a lack of resilience,
determination, or perseverance in the face of challenges or struggles.

Giving up can negatively affect your confidence and reinforce the belief that you
can’t do something, or that you're not good enough. It can also become a pattern.
After you give up once, it’s easier to give up on something else later on.

Giving up causes you to miss out on opportunities and/or connections, just like I
missed out on being part of the volleyball team. Why? All in the name of fear. Fear of
failing, looking stupid, being rejected or abandoned.

What Does it Mean to Let Go?

Letting go means you are releasing someone or something that is no longer serving
you in a positive way. You have done the hard work to try and make it work. You
have analyzed the situation and the different avenues you could take to improve it.
Lastly, you realize you are getting burned, left and right, and to hold on means you
will continue to get hurt.

For example, when I was going through my divorce, a dear friend of mine was
helping me pack my belongings. As we packed, she looked up at me and
commented, “I can tell you worked hard and tried to make your marriage work. Look
at all these self-help and marriage books!”

She didn't know this then, but my friend's words were a balm to my wounded heart. I
HAD worked so hard to make it work, even though it ended. I struggled with feeling
like a failure. However, it took that comment and intentional reflection on my part to
peacefully conclude that I had LET GO of my marriage. I did not quit.

Think of letting go as a proactive and intentional action you take, with the aim of
creating a healthier, happier and more fulfilling life for yourself. Even though you are
experiencing loss, in the end you are gaining more than you lost.

When I left my abusive marriage, I had to acknowledge and accept that it was not
working. Not because I did not try, but because he was not willing to change, I was
continually at risk, and I deserved a life where I was safe and sound.

Moving forward in a positive direction is a HEALTHY choice. To let go is to release.

And you know what? I believe God isn’t mad at you for that!
So, Did You Let Go or Give Up on Your Marriage?

Even though we don’t know each other, let’s process this question a bit together.

1. Did You Fully Realize and Understand that You Were Being Abused?

I know this sounds like a silly question, but really, did you?

The reality that you were abused, manipulated and have lost time (years for most of
us!), due to living in domestic violence, is a hard pill to swallow.

Reflect on the reason you left.

In short, if you left because you were being abused, and your partner wouldn't
change, you didn’t quit.

2. Did You Try to Make the Marriage Work?

Alrighty, please don't read this title and assume I’m implying it was your
responsibility to make an abusive marriage “work”. Because it wasn't. You didn't have
a marriage problem. Domestic violence isn’t a marriage problem, but an individual’s
problem. Your husband had problems he chose not to change.

Domestic violence isn’t a marriage problem, but an individual’s problem.

However, were you like me and tried HARD to change yourself to make it work? Did
you research marriage tips, read the Bible, went for marriage counselling together (I
bet that didn't work!) or talk to your pastor?

My goal is to help you reflect on all the individual efforts you made during the years
of your marriage. Even though most of them probably didn't obtain the outcome you
hoped for, I bet you tried numerous things to bring more happiness and peace to
your home.

God saw all your efforts, heard all your prayers and kept all your tears.

I’m sure you tried sis! I’m really sure you did.

But it wasn’t your problem to fix.

3. How Did Staying in the Marriage Affect You?

What was life like for you? How did the abuse affect your mental, physical and
emotional health? How did the abuse affect your children?

Take some time to really reflect on what life was like for you then.

To be honest, when I think about my story, life was like a slow death. The abuse
affected EVERY area of my life. It was daunting to think of leaving, and I worried
about what life would look like on the “other side.”

Now, Release

There are many more prompting questions we could ponder together. However, I
believe these 3 have stirred enough thoughts, emotions and contemplations within
you.

Do you remember what letting go means? In brief, it means to release something or

someone that you have concluded is causing you more harm than good. If your
answers to the above questions painted a picture of a life that was filled with abuse,
a husband that refused to change, and a decline in your well being and quality of life,
then my sister, you LET GO.

Release the shame, guilt, fear and defeat that comes from trauma and divorce,
whether you are receiving that from yourself or others within the Christian
community.

You chose YOU. You chose LIFE.

You. Let. Go.

Why is Letting Go So Hard?

Letting go is terrifying, even though it may bring you relief or a desired outcome. For
example, when I left my ex husband, I found some relief in leaving the abuse, the
walking on eggshells and the feeling of imprisonment. However I was scared of
starting over, of all the unknowns, the stigma of divorce, what God would think of
me, and the vulnerable season I was entering.

It is hard to let go because you don't know the future. The phrase “better the devil
you know, then the devil you don’t know” perfectly describes why many people
choose to stick with what they know, even if it's negatively affecting them.
We are afraid. And leaving an abusive relationship involves risks and barriers.

But, who is the father of all lies and loves to keep us living in a bondage of fear?

The enemy.

He throws lies at survivors such as, “You will never make it on your own”, “No one else
will ever love you”, “God is mad at you”, “You are damaged goods”, “Good Christians
don’t divorce” or “You’re a quitter.”

How do we combat lies? With truth!

God says in Proverbs 3: 5-6 AMP, “Trust in and rely confidently on the Lord with
all your heart And do not rely on your own insight or understanding. In all your
ways know and acknowledge and recognize Him, And He will make your paths
straight and smooth [removing obstacles that block your way].”

This verse gives us courage and assurance that God is with us when we take leaps
into the unknown. He won’t let us fumble around forever, like blind mice. He is a
good father that directs our steps, provides for us, and makes a path through our
obstacles. Fear not.

With fears come worries. As a survivor you have a LOAD of worries and concerns. 1
Peter 5:7 AMP states, “casting all your cares [all your anxieties, all your worries,
and all your concerns, once and for all] on Him, for He cares about you [with
deepest affection, and watches over you very carefully].”

I think casting our cares is a daily choice and lifestyle. It’s really difficult to let go, and
then immediately cast all your cares and worries over to God without feeling mixed
emotions or fighting the temptation to take back control from God.

Rest assured that God is strong enough to hold your worries. Every single worry that
comes with letting that situation go, is not intimidating to Him.

How Letting Go Will Help Your Healing

Again, you aren’t “bad”, or a failure or a 'bad Christian' because you left an abusive
marriage. You released a toxic person from your life and invited healing, love and a
better future.

Now that you realize you let go vs. gave up, you have changed your mindset about
yourself and your decision to leave. This can take you to a new level of healing
mentally and emotionally.
In my opinion, healing our minds and hearts is the hardest to repair after domestic
abuse.

Our healing is hindered by negative beliefs and strongholds in our life. So instead of
shaming yourself with the label of “quitter” or “disappointment”, you can assign
positive labels to yourself such as “self-love”, “overcomer”, and “daughter of the
King.”

Doesn't that feel better already?

It may be helpful to seek support from a professional who can help you process your
trauma if you feel you need this. They can also help you develop new goals and
aspirations as you move forward.

Let's Recap

As we have discussed, there is an ample difference between letting go and giving up.
Letting go often releases you into new chapters, opportunities and a better version
of yourself. Giving up is often a result of a negative mindset or attitude about
something, leaving you with feelings of frustration, defeat or shame.

But you’re not a quitter.

You’re an overcomer.

Your future is yours again, and your steps are directed by God. There is no shame for
letting go. I’m proud of you!

Share this article with other survivors, family and friends to help us raise awareness of
domestic violence and educate the church and community.

We are stronger together.

He is faithful,

Allie

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Allie SchwabAllie Schwab
Social Worker | Trauma Coach | Writer | FounderSocial Worker | Trauma Coach | Writer |
Founder
Published • 1y
3 articlesFollow
Are you a Christian who got divorced because you left an abusive spouse? Is that
causing you to sit in shame and guilt because Christians don't "do" divorce and you
labelled yourself a failure?

Thinking you failed is relative to the belief that you gave up on your marriage. But
did you give up or let go? There is a difference between letting go and giving up.
Knowing the difference may give you a new sense of freedom.