PUFFIN BOOKS DIARY OF A WIMPY KIDTHE DIARY OF A WIMPY KID SERIES 1 Diary of a Wimpy Kid 7 The Third Wheel 15 The Meltdown 2 Rodrick Rules 8 Hard Luck 14 Wrecking Ball 3 The Last Straw 9 The Long Haul 15 The Deep End 4 Dog Days 1O0ld School 16 Big Shot 5 The Ugly Truth 11 Double Down 6 Cabin Fever 12 The Getaway MORE FROM THE WIMPY WORLD The Wimpy Kid Do-It-Yourself Book The Wimpy Kid Movie Diary The Wimpy Kid Movie Diary: The Next Chapter Diary of an Awesome Friendly Kid: Rowley Jefferson's Journal Rowley Jefferson's Awesome Friendly Adventure Rowley Jefferson's Awesome Friendly Spooky Storiesacres Wimpy Kid BIG SHOT by Jeff KinneyPUFFIN 300 UK | USA | CANADA [IRELAND | AUSTRALIA INDIA | NEW ZEALAN TH AFRICA PUFFIN BOOKS 15 PART OF THE PENGUIN RANDOri HOUSE GROUP Or COrPal ADDRESSES CAM Be FOUND AT GLOBAL PENGUINRANDOrHOUSE.COM WwdW:PENGUIN.CO.UK WWW.PUFFIN.CO.UK — WWW.LADYBIRD.CO.UK Penguin Random House UK PUBLIS: BY AMULET BOOKS, AN IMPRINT OF ABRAMS, 2021 ORIGINAL ENGLISH TITLE: Diary of « Vimpy Kids Big Shot (ALL IN ALL COUNTRIES BY HABRY N, ABRAMS, INC. BRITAIN BY PUFFIN BOOKS 202 PUBLISHED SIMULTANEOUSLY IN GREA 21 WIMPY «ID, INC. 5 GN ANGELILLI THE MORAL RIGHT OF THE AUTHOR/ILLUSTRATOR HAS BEEN ASSEF ISBN: 978-0-241-396995TO WILL AND GRANT; ___ SEPTEMBER. _ Manda: a Te heard +hat athletes are born with special genes that make them good at sports. Well, whatever those genes are, < guess T was born WITHOUT +hem. Mom's always saying that everyone who's part of a team has an important role +o play. But when it comes. to sports, it seems like my job is to make everybody =_ look good. _ KG At this point in ny life, Tim pretty sure Tim not gehna_ grow up to become a professional athlete. So Tm officially announcing. my retirement.The crazy thing is, T used +o actually LIKE. sports. But that was back in preschool, when sports were still FUN. The first sport T ever played was soccer. I didnt know the rules, but neither did any of the other kids. So most of the time it was just pure chaos on the field. } LEM IP RPE dh ~S Som F ra for ae 1, ey Wherever the ball went, we all chased after it. Every once ina while the ball would pop-out of the pack and go in someone's goal, then EVERYONE would celebrate.Nobody kept score, So you never knew who was winning or losing. And the parents didnt care because they were too busy doing their own thing. The referees were middle-school kids, and they didn't really pay attention to the game, either.Tn fact, the refs didn't even blow their whistles when the ball went out of bounds. So half the time we'd be playing on the wrohg field and didnt KNOW it. SIG 6c UN x After the game, wed always get slushies and junk food at the snack shack. And sometimes we wouldnt even wait for the game to be OVER to treat ourselves. SNACK SHACK RADA ASAD QOS XX) Y POORThe coaches were really hice_and made. sure everyone get a chance to score. And that made everyone feel good about themselves. Back then, I was SURE T was gonna grow up to be a professional soccer player. Leven kept my rookie card in mint condition in case it turned out to be worth something one day.But when we got to kindergarten, everything CHANGED. The refs started using their whistles, and they didn't let us do the kinds of things we got away. with the year_before. That season, the refs blew their whistles almost every time T. touched the ball. So when Twas in the game, I'd stand in the corner of the field and pray the ball didnt roll +o me.Ts not bike T was getting a lot of playing time in kindergarten » The coach only put in the kids who eee OD, and the rest of us sot on the bench. Mom told me the reason the coach wasnt playing me was because T was his “secret weapon” and he was saving me for a big moment. But TI. didnt understand +hat Mom was just trying to make me feel better about myself. So whenever the coach DID put me in the game, Td ge out there thinking T was hot stuff. ee 5 Sy eS 58 hi So xl ee Aya aeEven the snack shack wasnt fun that year. Some. parents complained that they were selling too. much junk food, so they replaced the slushies and other _ spent olde options. __ But the dela sila: fom the snack shack guid for the field upkeep. Se that year the parks department could only afford +o mow the grass hs, which really slowed the once every three wi games down.Attera bunch of kids get ticks from playing soccer in the long grass, they decided to end the season early, which was totally fine with ME. o T feel bad that Tive never been good at sports, because TL think Dad was hoping Td be a star athlete. Whenever hed ge to the library, hed always come home with a stack of sports books.Tim sure there are kids who are into those types of stories, but that was never ME. LE you ge to the library, you'll find all sorts of books about kids who do amazing things and lead their teams to Victory. But T never had an experiences like that, and L'il bet there are lots of kids out there just like me. 1oSo one of these days somebody should write a book for the REST of uy. Ts not like Tie got anything against sports. T like them just fine, as long as Tim not the one PLAYING. Tn fact, this summer T watched the Olympics on TV pretty much nonstop. Tt was Moms idea for us to watch the games asa family. She says that these days everyone's in their owh little bubbles, and sports is one of the only 7 things that can still bring people together. But I think a little togetherness goes.a_long way.Mom. says she loves the Olympics because they show what human beings are capable of at their best. _ But T like watching for the BLOOPERS. a In jest glad it's somebody ELSE out there and not ME. Because Tm sure I'd be nervous if T knew there were millions of people watching from home. And when you. mess. up. in the. Olympics, youre supposed to_act graceful about it. i2But if LT just spent four years of my life training and then made same dumb mistake, I'm pretty sure Td have trouble smiling for the cameras. That's why Tid do one of those sports where youre part of a TEAM. Because then, when yuu Screw Up, it’s harder for people to tell. MIND IF I SQUEEZE IN’ WITH ‘YOU FELLAS?Tn fact, if TL wasim the Olympics, Td bein ane of thase events where a HORSE is involved. Because ther f something gees wrong, ot least youd have sameane to. BLAME. THINGS WERE GOING GREAT UNTTRE THUNDERBOLT HERE SCREWED UP! < pat ~~ Bact now thet D think about it, that's prabubly the reasoh why horses some-times act out. ' ¢ ees WeEven though we watched a lot of Otympics coverage, TL still dont understand the way everything works. For_one thing, I dont see why they only hand out medals to the athletes whe take the top three spots in a competition. T+ seems to me like the could keep going with the medals so EVERYONE goes home with a prize. 15th PLACE: ALUMINUM MEDAL The way. tis cab how, asa give you a gold medal if you take first place, silver if you take second, and bronze if you take third. But L feel like there's a pretty big step down between silver and bronze. 41SAt least gold and silver are WORTH something. But if you won a bronze medal, youd be lucky to get a tew bucks for it. JEWELRY RARE COINS WATCHES: BSOLUTELY INO REFUNDS r figure the moment your medal s the most valuable = right after you WIN it. So if T got one, Td try to take a Vantage of the TV audience and find a buyer. GREG HEFFLEY FIRST-TIME MEDALISTDuring, the medal ceremony they have the top three athletes stand on a podium, and then they play the gold medalist's national anthem and make the other two.athletes stand there and listen. But if T. took silver or bronze, Td pop in some earbuds so T could jam to my own tunes. One of Moms favorite things about the Olympics is when they tell the life stories of the athletes who are competing. Some of the stories are reall inspiring, because a lot of these athletes had to overcome. tough challenges to_get where they are. i7But f Lever made tte the Olympecs. ray. Story wouldn't be all that inspirational. GREG HEFFLET: PARENTS MADE HIM PLAY SPORTS Mom keeps telling me that ane day T could be wm Olyenpran. cand TL shadd start ny “Olympae journey” naw. But Tn pretty suce its alveady. toa LATE for me. For most sports, you have to stort playing really young if you wanna be any geod. So even if ae got. serious, Lm sure Td be competing wth kids who are half my age. ia<> eee o25 Pa 2 325 rates $2525 RO S05 oO SS OEE QRS SRRKKRKEK OOO? SERS $2 <> o, S282 > <> S SS x? oY a a < Shes $25 S S25 2S SS So o> o. <2 be SO Y <2 SS <2 <5 <2 Tie heard that .in some countries the: identify kids weth potential SUPER carly, ahd ther they send them off to these elite academes to train around the clack. 7c really don +hink there's any hope for me of becoming an Olympian, But ry rather Manny Ss arly in preschonl co maybe hes still get a hen 4Tm not an expert on this stuff or anything, but from what Tie seen, the kid looks like he's got POTENTIAL. To be honest, I wouldnt mind if Mom. and Dad shipped Manny aff +o one_of those sports academies. Because that would be one less person Td have to share a bathroom with.But maybe there are some sports that you can start when youre a litte older, and theres still hope for a. person like me. Because it would be pretty cool to. represent your countrys an Olympian, ho matter WHAT sport you campete in, And if ~ won a GOLD medal, you can bet Tid never take it OFF.When you.wih.a gold medal, youre set for LIFE. And even when your Olympic career is over, you can still make a fortune doing appearances and sighing stuff. But the real money's in advertising products.on TV. And Td say yes to EVERYTHING as long as the money. was geod. NO CHALKYThe best thing about being an athlete is that you can retire YOUNG. And that would be great for @_person like me, beeause there are lots of places Tid like to visit and things T'd like to see. So Tim not oping to_give up on sports just yet. Because who knows? Maybe T could be a person everyone looks up +o. FIRST ATTEMPTTuesday T+ tums out Tim gonna have a chance to prove myself sooner than I. THOUGHT. When we got back to school after summer vacation, there were posters in the hallways announcing Field Day. NEXT WEDNESDAY @ 1.30 pa. They have Field Day at my middle school every four years, and the last time they held it was when my brother Rodrick was my age. T remember him getting excited about the competition because the winning homeroom get free ice cream at lunch. 24Well, this year they've raised the stakes. Tf our homeroom wins the competition, your class gets. day off from school. So that has everyone motivated to WIN. But the person. who wants the day off the _ MOST is Mrs. Bosh, my homeroom teacher. She's pregnant and is always telling us how hard it is to be on her feet alll day. 2sWell, T could use a day off from school, too. 1 dont want to let Mrs. Bosh or the rest of > team down, so 1m actually taking this competition pretty SERIOUSLY, The thing is, Tim not in the best shape right now. So unless T do something about it, T won't be able to help us on the big day. T told Dad IT wanted to get in. shape, and he said could start going +o the gym with HIM. Im not trying to be _rude_or- anything but Dad's been going to the same gym for years, and whatever he's doing there doesn't really look like its WORKING. 26But I figured anything, would be better than what Ive been doing for exercise, which is nothing. So after dinner T threw on some workout clothes and tagged along with Dad. The gym.was packed, but T noticed there werent any people MY age there. Dad told me that technically kids aren+ allowed at +he gym but if T didn't call attention. to myself T should be OK. There was all sorts of fancy equipment that I couldn't wait +o try out. But Dad said it was best to start off slow, and he took me to the area of the gym where he likes to work out. 27When Dad showed me his exercise routine, T. could understand why he hasn+ been getting any RESULTS. After Dad did a few sit-ups and jumping jacks, he said he was gohha_go relax in the sauna fora while. And that meant I was free to exercise on i owh. 28But the thing is, T didnt really know how to use any of the machines, because. they were all too complicated. So T had +o. try and_figure things out for MYSELF, and Tim still not a hundred percent Sure i was, using, the equipment the right estWhot T really wanted to do was try out some of the things with SCREENS on them, like the treadmills and the elliptical machines. But people were. hogging that equipment and. staying on_longer than they were supposed +o. And even when T gave them a gentle reminder that it was time to let someone ELSE have a turn, nobody seemed to take the hint. While T. waited for one of the machines to open up, T passed the time by watching television. But the TVs were all tuned +o some boring business show. 30So IT found the remote and changed the channel to something a little more INTERESTING. i guess everyone doesn+ have the same +taste_in entertainment as me, because some lady got off the treadmill to change the channel. But as soon as she stepped off the machine, I jumped at my chance.There was a big screen on the front of the treadmill, and you could choose between all these farous places to take your walk. PICK A ROUTE oe OF CMA ELYSEES ea net = Sof. spent a few minuctes trying +o decide where 1 wanted +o GO.After I made my choice the treadmill started moving, and 1. felt like T was actually walking, along the Great Wall of China. But guess the Great Wall is STEEP, and T was having trouble keeping up. So after a while, T put my feet on either side of the conveyor belt and took in the sights the EASY way. T realized T wasnt making the most of my. time at the gym, and T. started feeling a little guilty about it. But IT didnt know what I should do NEXT, because T was running. out of options. 4That's when I heard some weird noises coming, from the other room, and I. went to investigate. T+ turns out there was a whole different area of the gym, and it looked like this was where all the SERIOUS people hung out.LT wanted +o look like THESE guys) but I didnt know how +to get started. And when T. went around asking for advice, T found out that rated was.in the mood for chitcha+t. SO HOW MUCH WEIGHT IS ACTUALLY ON THIS THING? After a while, I realized the people in there werent interested in helping a beginner like me, so T was on my OWN. And the first thing Thad to decide was which muscles to. start working on. tT figured TL should probably focus on my_arms and chest, because those are the muscles that make you look like youre in shape.So T decided Td start with a few bicep curls and ge from there. But I. didn't want to overdo it, because at lunch yesterday, Albert Sandy told us about this bodybuilder who blew _out a. bicep and T sure didn't want that happening to ME. Tt tums out LT didn't need to stress about it, because I couldnt eVen get aby. of the dumbbells off the rack. LEAARRRR?a thought iL right have better luck with the bench. press, but T couldn't budge the barbell, either. And T. have to admit, T was getting a little FRUSTRATED. _ now people were staring at me, and I. didn+ want +o look like T didn’t know what T was doing. So T started taking the weights off the barbell +o make it a litte lighter. a7But it turns out youre hot supposed to take the weights off one side of the barbell all at ONCE, because when you do, everything slides of f the other side. And_apparently people inthe weight room don't like loud noises. Sot guess thats +he reason why they dont let kids im the. gym But it doesn't seem right that they kicked Dad oct, too, because he really has been a loyal member. =Thursday Mom. said that when it comes to. getting in shape, exercise is only HALF the picture. She said nutrition is just as important, and shed be happy. to teach mea few things about eating right #T really wanted to learn. T didn't feel like gttting a lecture about food, but I jumped at the chance to ge with her to the grocery store. And that's because T wanted to help pick out the food wed have in the pantry. Whenever Manny gees to the store with Mom, he picks the things HE wants. And that's why we have all this random stuff in our cabinets. SILVER FOX [SILVER FOX ADULT DIAPERSNo offense to. Mom or anything. but she's TERRIBLE at picking out snacks. She always buys healthy stuff that tastes awful, and she won't any EW. snacks until weve eaten all the old ones. SWEET POTATO ta Ts ay ar ca] Se eae So lately Tre been having my best friend, Rowley, over for "tasting parties” +o help me clear space in the cabinets.When we got to the. grocery store today, L split off from Mom, then loaded up the cart with a bunch of my favorites. Then I. grabbed a few healthy items just to make Mom happy. But it turns out MY idea of health food isn't the same as MOM'S. When we met back up» she went over each item I. picked out and explained why it wasn't good for me. thought was.a pretty solid choice on my_part. But Mom said it was full of SUGAR, and there wasn’t any nutritional value +o_it. T told Mom she was wrong, because there was a picture of tons of different fruits right there on the bottle. oyThen Mom showed me the label, and T couldnt believe they can even get away with that. Mom said that if you really waht to know whats in the food you buy, you have to read the list of ingredients. And she told me the cans of Chef Marinara pasta Thad. in the cart were. full of all sorts of CHEMICALS. But T knew Mom was wrong about THAT one, because Tve seen the Chef Marinara ads on television that show him making his pasta by. hand in Old Ltaly. 4Mom. showed me the small print on. the back of the can, which said the food was made in a factory in Detroit. She said Chef Marinara probably wasnt even areal person, and they. gust hired an actor for those TV ads. Well, that made me feel pretty stupid for dressing up_as Chef Marinara in our Wax Figure Exhibit at school last year.Then I started to wonder if Rotten Rudy was a real person, because those Rotten Rudy ads seared me into drinking 4 gallon of milk every day. Mom said food companies. are really clever about slipping their advertising into places you wouldnt expect, which made me think about the posters that are up. in. our hallways at school. ‘FOOD PYRAMIDShe explained that sometimes packaged food companies use cartoon. characters. to get young kids +o want their products. And T. think she’s right, because before we left the house today, Manny was watching an episode of “The Murples” where Munchy Murple was chowing down oh. a. bowl of Rock Candy Crunch cereal. S Se Mom told me that when she buys food for the family, she cheeks the labels and doesnt buy anything with ingredients she cant pronounce. Then she said the best thing to do is buy food with only ONE ingredient, like fruits and vegetables.Well, IT. dont know if it's Just my_ generation, but it's a little hard for a kid like me to eat something that isn't wrapped in cellophane or doesnt come in acardboard box. Tn fact, if chocolate bars grew in the ground, Till bet T wouldn't TOUCH them. But if the people wha sell fruits and vegetables wanna get kids eating that stuff, they're gonna. need to step vp their advertising game. usTuesday " = Field Day is tomorrow, and things have. really i started to heat up.at school. Mrs. Bosh has been making everyone in. our homeroom get to class a half hour carly Sowe have extra time to pet together our strategy. And she’s been getting paranoid about what the OTHER classrooms are doing to prepare. So today she sent Ledaviah Mills up into the ceiling so he could spy-on Mr. Drew's homeroom. next door. But it turns out that ceiling tiles arent strong enough to hold a persons weight.The homeroom Mrs. Bosh is most worried about is Mrs. Epsteins, because shes gota bunch of athletes in her class. And one of the kids is Jesse Range, who stayed back. in eighth grade TWICE _ just so he could ener in Field Day one more. time. But the team In most nervous about is Mr. Rays class, because that's the morning detention homeroom. Aind on Field Day, Lim sure those ays are_gonna play DIRTY. ‘algaTo make matters worse, we found out were going, +o be competing with GROWN-UPS in +his thing. The janitors went +o the vice principal and said they wanted to. put together theic OWN __ team because they deserve a day off just as puch as us students. z guess that's fair, but the bathrooms have been getting pre: gharly eVer since they started spending all their time TRAINING. _ve And now the lunch ladies are. getting. in on. the act, so the cafeteria has basically tured into.a The homeroom teachers are getting pre! spooked, So they've started TRADING kids to improve their teams chances. Mr. Esper sent the fastest git in our school, Ava Hollis, +o Mes. Jay's class, and he got Thomas Scheff, whos apparently a specialist in the Spainge toss. All this trading has got Mrs. Bash thinking about making some moves of her OWN. cAShe even gove me the jab of scouting kids from sonmof the other hameronms to see who we should recrurt for OUR team. That's a it stung when Mrs. Bosh traded-me and twa other kids for Jesse Range, and. threw ina pack of dey-erase markers to close the deal,Thursday Yesterday was Field Day at school, and it started off with some controversy. Before the firs+ bell, Mr. Ray gave Jesse Range detention just so he could steal Jesse for his team. So that meant Mr. Ray's team was totall STACKED, and the rest of us didn't stand a chance. Before Field Day kicked of f, Mrs. Epstein gathered our team on the playground to_go over strategy and make some last-minute adjustments. But T still couldn't figure out why she wanted me and those other two kids instead of Jesse Range. rawe T was only signed up. for one event, which was the three-legged race. My partner was Madison Burke, who's about a foot taller than me, which made things kind. of awkward. But when the race started, T. finally understood Mrs. Epstein’s strategy. She didnt trade for me because Tm FAST. She traded for me because Tm LIGHT.99 Me and Madison took first place, and our team was off to 4 good start. But we had a big setback a few minutes later when Marcello Romera rolled an. ankle in the sack race. T+ turns out the lunch ladies had left some POTATOES in a few of the sacks, and T'll bet that wasn't an ACCIDENT. Marcello was supposed to run the fitty-yard dash next, and all the other kids on our team were in the middle of events. So Mrs. Epstein told me I was_gohha have to fill in for him. T. got second-to-last place because Twas still kind of banged up from the three-legged race. But a cant really. run fast unless Tim MOTIVATED. mnvt The fastest Dive ever run was when I. got chased by Rodrick after he stepped in dog poop and I laughed at him. T. guarantee you i if someone had been timing, me that day, T would've clocked in at CHEETAH speed. The reason T didnt get last place in the — fi itty ~yard. dash was because MS Soon as. the race started, Jesse Range fell flat on his face. And when that oo T figured he mustve tripped on his shoelaces or something. Fae =f VN J*SPLAP — =But it turns out he get paid to take a dive, and no one would've found out if Vice Principal Roy hadn't caught him red-handed after the race accepting his payment behind the school. ___ | the kids who were in on the betting scheme. And those gyys had a whole gambling operation running out of the AV closet on the second floor. —90 The rest of Mr. Ray's team was cheating, too, but that didn surprise anyone. Those kids had stored their water balloons in the cafeteria freezer, and the only reason the get CAUGHT is because George Ralston knocked Mikey Ardalla out cold with bad throw in the balloon toss. Mrs. Bosh’s team won beanbag bingo. and that — put them ahead in the standings for a while. But then Mr. Chow's team had back-+o-back Victories in the water-bucket relay and the sponge toss, so then THEY took the lead.The janitors’ team started movingup.in the rankings, and they probably wouldve taken the top spot if Mr. Washington's arms hadnt given out during the wheelbarrow race. The final event was the tug-of-war, and it came down to Mrs. Bosh’s team versus the lunch ladies. T thought Mrs. Bosh's team was. gonna win for SURE, but the lunch ladies outlasted them thanks toa solid job of anchoring by Mrs. Frolley. £ a *8e When we got back to our classrooms after the competition, we were all bummed that the cafeteria ladies were the ones to win the day off from school. And we were nervous because we heard the janitors were gonna have to fill in for them dering lunch But x ea: the school knew it was going to be an ugly scene, so right before the last bell rang, Vice Principal Roy made an. announcement that EVERYONE would be getting Friday off. a7 Friday shih ian Twas excited about having a whole day where eae didn't have +o do anything and was. looking forward to_sleeping in. But as soon as Mom found out about my day off, she filled it up with a bunch of appointments that shed been wanting to schedule. chatty. She wanted to know about Field Day and if Thad fun. So T told her the truth, which was that it totally STUNK. Mom said the reason T've never had a good. experience with sports is because Tve never been pact of a team.0 But I told her Twas on a team for Field Day, and Live been ona bunch of OTHER sports teams, too. So T. figured maybe she'd just blocked out those memories like T wish T could. RX HPO = XO KO STRIKE "Y KOKO? SRS XXL THIRTY-TWO!) KKK EN g CF ak re rex) % had 4 Xx) OS SKI AY —— " =) SERRE DOOR KURI RROKKBut Mom said what she's talking about is being part of a REAL team where everyone has your back. She said some of her happiest times as a kid were.wheh she played sports in middle school. Mom said that what's great about being part of a teamis thet you learn how ta work together, and you can use those skills for the rest of your life, especially im. your JOB.a That sounds a little cory to.me, but L guess I dont really know how grown-ups act when theyre at work. Mom said she wants me to give team sports one more shot, and if it doesn+ work out, she won't bug me about it anymore. So I told her I'd think it over, but really Lim just haping she forgets in a day or two. T. dont understand why people get so wrapped up in sports, because it seems to me there are more. IMPORTANT +hings in life63 Tf you.san throw a baseball at 100 miles per hour, youll make millions of dollars and kids will have your poster on +heir wall. But if youre the person who ends up curing cancer, youll be lucky if you geta_pat on the back.oT Tie always wondered how sports got started in the FIRST place. Tn ancient times, people were always at war, and 1 guess they decided they needed to figure out a way! they. could settle their differences without KILLING each other. So someone came up with the idea of sports as a more peaceful solution. But over time, sports EVOLVED, and. ere youve got team mascots and cheerleaders and professional athletes.65 Tre only been. to one. professional sports match. in my life, and that was when ry dad took me_into i city to watch a football game. To be honest, LT dont remember much about the game_itself, but T do remember everything ELSE about that day. Dad didnt want +o spend money to park hear the stadium, so we ended vp about a mile away na muddy lot. He broke out his portable gril, ahd we cooked burgers, which was actually kind of fun. But LT drank WAY tao much soda, and_on. our walk to the stadium, I knew T had +o find a bathroom or Twas gonna wet my pants.66 Dad_didint want +o Stop_at one of the porta- potties because the lines for those were too long. But I told him T didn't think T could make i+ all the. way to the stadium, so I. begged him +o let me. pull over. T had to wait twenty minutes in line, and finall it was my. turn. But I. wished Dad had given me a litte advance warning about what those things were like inside, because T would've just HELD it.67 T+ was a smart move making, that pet stop, though, because when we got to the stadium, there was ANOTHER. long, line for security. And we missed the whole first quarter of the game waiting, to get ine. When we finally got inside and found our seats, there were some gyys sitting, in them. And it took forever to sort THAT out.68 T don't know why they. even bother to have seats, because no one was SITTING in them anyway. And_most of the people. in our section were +too big for somebody ry. height +o. see around. Since I. couldn't see the field, Thad no idea whet was happening. And Dad wastoo wrapped up in the game to tell me what was gaping on. Eventually I realized L could see the game #21 just od it on the Jumbotron, whichos this gant screen that hangs high above the field,Whenever there was a pause. in the action, they turned the cameras on the fans. Se oa | Va * x Ve GOT Sy They had this thing called “Fan of the Game,” where you could win a prize. by acting crazy when the put you up on the sereen. And some people were really GOING for it.70 LT knew. there was no chance of me winning, Fan of the Game if I was behind a bunch of people. So during a time-out, T stepped into the aisle and really hammed_it up for the cameras. But t guess x was embarrassing Dad, So. he geve me. same_money and told me I should ge-up to the concourse and get some shacks and a sowvehir.nr A spent my_money on popcorn and_one of those giant foam fingers. But when I turned to walk away from the souvenir stand, there was a loud noise that shook the whole stadium. —_ Apparently when the home team scores - the shoot off a CANNON. But I wished Dad had warned me that night happen, because I. seriously thought we were in DANGER. |72 After i, was sure the coast was clear, x went to find Dad. But TL couldn't remember which section we were sitting in, and Dad was the one who had our_tickets. T started +o panic, because there were 80,000 people in that stadium, and everyone looked the same from behind. Plus, the game was tied, and the fans were too distracted to help some_lost kid. SECTION 303 Luckily an_usher saw me wandering around the concourse and brought me_to the Child Finder Station.BB They asked mea few questions about who Twas and where T last saw.my father, but by then Twas so shook up I. could barely even remember my_owh ame. The next thing T knew, Thad a camera in my face_and they putmeon the Jumbotron. Frank Heffley please come to the Child Finder Station in Concourse B Then T realized this was ny. chance +o win Fan of the Game, so T made the most of my opportunity.74 LOST — Frank Heffley please come to the Child Finder Station in Concourse B The good news was that our team woh ih the last second. ‘The bad news was that Dad didnt get +o see it because he had to come get ME. And believe itor not, T DID win Fan of the Game, and we got two free tickets to the NEXT match. But T dont remember going to another game after that, so T think Dad mustve taken Rodrick.1S What really stuck with me about that day was how they tried to keep things entertaining for the fans. And T. think our church could learna few lessons from the professional sports experience. First of all, when they introduce the priest and altar servers, they should dim the lights and play some loud music. Because that would get everyone HYPED. AND NOW... ALL THE WAY FROM ST. MARY’S SEMINARY IN BALTIMORE... Another thing they could do is have a mascot to make +he service more fun for litte kids.76 Sometimes you need to break things up to keep people energized, so they could putin halftime show. Aind there's all SORTS of crazy stuff you could do for entertainment.But +the biggest vpgrade to the church experience would be if they added a JUMBOTRON. For starters, it would help the people in the back feel like they were closer to the action. e They could even have a random drawing to let the people who came in late get a seat up FRONT.78 Plus, they could use the Jumbatron. +o encourage people to be a little more generous when. they pass the donation basket around. Last week's donation: Live gota bunch of OTHER suggestions, and T. actually took the time to write them down. But T guess the people who run our church must be pretty busy, because so far nobody's gotten back +o me. EXIT74 OCTOBER. ‘Tuesday T was really hoping Mom would just forget about making me_join.a team, but she's been pressuring me every single day. ant T tried to tell her that in twenty years regular sports will be replaced by e-sports, and athletes wont even have to leave their couches to compete. But I guess she’s too old to get excited about what things are gonna be like in the future. YOU'VE TAKEN __THE GOLD!One of +he reasons T havent decided on what sport te. play is because Tm not really that GOOD at anything. Te been racking my. brain trying +o remember a time when I did something athletic to help figure out which sport is right for me. And all T can think of was the time.at lunch when T. landed a balled-up napkin in. Justin White's empty milk glass. When I made that shot, the whole cafeteria went NUTS. And Tim pretty sure it's the biggest athletic achievement of my life.Some people were even saying they should_puta plaque.in the spot where I. threw the napkin so future students would know about it. FROMTHISSPOT Of Greg Heffley TOSSED A NAPKIN INTO A GLASS ON A MOVING TRAY FROM A DISTANCE OF For the rest of the year, kids tried to re-create shot. And +hat +umed +he lunch period into a TGHTMARE..42 LT thought my napkin shot proved Thad some TALENT, and T told Mom maybe x could try out for the basketball team. Well, that got her all excited, because she said she played basketball when she was my_age, and her team was really GOOD. Then she said maybe basketball skills run in our farily. Mom said her team made it all the way to the state finals one year But when T asked her what happened in the championship game, she said it wasn't important.Mom said what mattered was that Td be a pact of a TEAM. Then she went to her computer ta si figure out how to Sigh me_up to play. T was glad Mom was excited that I decided ona sport, but there was actually ANOTHER reason_ a picked basketball. T heard some kids talking about tryouts at school today, and there are only two teams for my whole gfade, with ten players oh each one. Aind if you Tm sure there will be a lot of kids trying ovt next week, 50. tL don't stand a CHANCE of making ict. And once it's over, T. can finally get Mom of f my. back with this sports stuff,Sunday a When I. got to the gym for basketball tryouts tonight, T counted twenty-eight kids. That meant twenty kids would make one.of the tw —_ teams, and everyone else would get cut. So T liked i odds. Plus, most of the kids looked WAY better than. me. A lot of these gvys have been playing since kindergarten, and they could dribble between their legs and do other crazy stuff with the ball. The only real experience Tve had with basketball was when we did a basketball unit in Phys Ed last year. And that only lasted two days.85 On top of that, the school's only basketball was deflated, and the Phys Ed teacher couldnt find the needle that went with the pump. So we had to use balloons instead. There were a handful of kids at tryouts tonight who didnt look like they were that geod, which made mea litte nervous. T was worried T could end up making one of the teams by accident, and then I'd have to playa whole season. So I. thought about actually ing badly on PURPOSE, justin case.But my plan.went out the window when Mom came to watch tryouts. Because now T knew I'd have — to_give it my best effort. ae Tryouts started at 7:00 Pamey and they handed each kid a practice Jersey with a big number on the front and back. And from the way those things smelled, Tim guessing they've never been WASHED.STU 87 They split us up into four groups to do drills in different areas of the gym and ry. group started off with dribbling. T was having a litte trouble with the hand-eye coordination thing,.so T kept dribbling it off my shoe. BOINK T noticed that every time. it messed up» some oy with a clipboard would write down. a number.BOUNCE DOUNCE So T. tried +o stay behind the ays with the clipboards, and the other kids who stunk started copying me. Every once ina while Td dribble five or_six times.in a row, and of course no one was watching THEN. But Mom made sure to let the ays with the clipboards know when Twas doing well. NUMBER EIGHT HASN'T-DRIBBLED-OFF HIS SHOE IN A WHILE!ew After we dribbled with our right hands fora few minutes, the. guy in charge of our group said it was time to switch to our LEFT hands. I. thought he But T. probably shouldn't have, because thet just made him write down my number. tT guess some. people can do things with both hands, but not me. In fact, my lef+ hand. is practically USELESS. One. time T. sprained my right wrist and Thad to take a test at school using my left hand. And T think T wouldve done better if T’d held the pencil. in. my MOUTH.40 7. Who developed the theory of gravity? — Tsgne VE, ———————_—_——_$_n,— Once we finished with our dribbling drills, we switched to free throws. And I really wished T hadn't learned to shoot a basketball with a BALLOON, because T. totally misjudged how. much effort LT needed to put into ny shot.n T think Mom could see T wasn't doing so_great, so whenever one of the evaluators got near . her, she'd snitch on the OTHER kids who were struggling: NOMBER THREE JUST = — SO But its not like Mom was the ONLY parent helping their own kid. Some of the evaluators had kids who were trying out tonight, so I wonder how fair the scoring really was. SLAP92 a end_of the hight, it_was pretty obvious was. gonna make a team and who wasnt. But T guess they needed to decide which kid was gonna get the final spot, because they made. the bottom nine _kids duke it out ina Scrimmage. And all I. can Say is it wasn't PRETTY. - _ Once that was over, they collected our Jerseys. The vy running tryouts told everyone that if we made a team, our parents would get an e-mail by tomorrow hight. But after that experience, Im not exactly holding my BREATH.Tuesday When q get home from school yesterday, my plan. was +o.relax and maybe take a nap. So I was. pretty surprised. when I walked into the kitchen, t was confused, because 1 knew for SURE. T didn't make either of the basketball teams. But Mom said she heard from one of the coaches who said I DID. Then she showed me the e-mail to prove it. T+ was from Mr. Patel, Preet Patel’s father. Preet’s one of the best athletes in our grade, and during, the student-teacher basketball game last year, Preet totally DOMINATED.Ht T couldn't understand how I got on the same team asa kid like THAT. But Mom said the evaluators mustve seen something special in me, and that's why T made the cut. When T thought back +o the night before, T couldn't remember Preet actually being at tryouts. So now J. was even MORE confused. At school today, Jabari Bruce told me what happened. Preet missed tryouts because he had to ge to his uncle's funeral, and the rule was that if you skipped tryouts, you couldn't be on a team.9S So Mr. Patel made a NEW +eam with Pree+ plus all the kids who got cut, just so his son could play this Stason. Well, T wasnt happ to hear THAT. I thought Twas off the hook for basketball, and now all of a sudden T was on an actual team. And T knew there was ho way Mom was letting me out of this, either. Oue first practice was tonight at the elementary school. And when Mr. Patel saw our team assembled for the first time, T'll bet he had second thoughts about taking this on.96 My teammates were the kids who were in that last scrimmage at tryouts, and ea already. knew a few of them from school. Jabari Bruce and Tomeny Chu were part.of that trade deal with meon Field Day. Then there was Darren and Marcus Woodley, who might. actually be decent athletes if | they werent — “ys aicyig tn to KILL each other. : — & We also had Edward Mealy, who hasn't said_a word since second grade, and Kevin Pomodoro, who nobody can understand when he's wearing his retainer. eG = Be rio KEVIN EDWARD MEALY.7 le guess it's always good +o have a little height on. ‘our basketball team, so were lucky to have Yusef. Meskin. But Yusef likes +o scoop up kids who. are my size and put them in “The Cave.” T+'s also. geod to have a little TOUGHNESS, and that's where Ruby Bird comes in. And the reason shes on a s’ team is because she attacked one of the evaluators at the GIRLS’ tryouts for writing her number down.8 oa Anyway, TL wouldn’t have blamed Preet or his dad for walking out as. soon as they got a good look at us. But Mr. Patel gathered the team around him so he.could give.a SPEECH. Mr. Patel said that we might not have the most talented team, but we were going to outwork everyone else in the league. And he said we were gonna learn. to play the RIGHT. way, starting tonight. T figured that if this was the Sy who taught Preet how to play, maybe he could teach the REST of us, +00. Tommy Chu raised his hand and asked how come we were meeting in the elementary school cafetorium instead of the GYM.as] Mr. Patel explained that the two other teams booked all the gym time for the season, so we were gphha have to make do with the LEFTOVERS. T didn't understand how we were supposed to play basketball when we didn't have a HOOP, but Mr. Patel said that we were gonna start with the fundamentals and work up to shooting later on. We did some dribbling drills, and then moved on to passing. But with all the tables set up in the cafetorium, there wasn't a lot of room to move around. So half of us had to goon the stage, — which was set up fora kindergarten play. ‘ | 7 |oS 3 Even though we were trying our hardest, Mr. Patel was getting frustrated we werent picking = things up more quickly. And every time_one_of us made.amistake, hed make us cun wind sprints +o_ the other side of the cafetorium. But that just made us tired, so we made even MORE. mistakes. And after a while, everyone except Preet was running sprints. Personally, T dont think coaches should use running asa punishment, because all it does is make kids hate +o run.101 And T doubt the track coach forces his team to play BASKETBALL whenever theyre slacking. The thing T hate the most about running is that it makes you SWEAT. My theory about sweat is that it's your body's way of telling you youre working too hard, and you need to take it easy. But when T shared my thoughts with Mr. Patel, he just made me run more wind sprints.102 When T get in the car after practice, Mom wanted tohear all about it. I told her how our team was basically just Preet and a bunch of serubs, so we werent genina be any. good this season. But Mom said Td probably geta lot of playing time on this team, which got me WORRIED. Every kid dreams about hitting the big shot to win the game for +their team, but theres a FLIP side. And that's being the person who blows it.103 There's « 9¥y-in my town, named Anthony Grow, and twenty years ago he missed a kick on an empty net and lost a game_against Slacksville, who's our town's biggest 1 And now he can’t ge anywhere without people reminding him about it.Tf T was Anthony, Td just move to Slacksville, because over there hes a HERO. T made the mistake of telling Mom how Twas worried about messing up like Anthony Grow, and she told mea story that made me feel even MORE nervous about things. Mom had been the backup point guard on her middle-school basketball team, and in the championship game, the regular point guard got HURT. So with the score tied in the fourth quarter, Mom had to gp in.and take her place.Mom said she actually did pretty well, but with the clock winding down she get double-teamed. So she had to heave the ball up at the buzzer, and her shot came. up short. Mom says she's GLAD it happened because it taught her to deal with failure and made her a better person. But Tid be willing to bet Moms. teammates just wished she hadn+ CHOKED.Thursday TL should've done a little more research before I decided on basketball as my sport, because the schedule is BRUTAL. Wele got practice three days a week plus one game on Saturday and another on Sunday. And on top of all that, I'm supposed to keep up with my homework and get enough sleep to make it through school the next day. Ts hard ENOUGH getting sleep with all the racket outside my window. every night. And. that's because we putup.a basketball hoop ih_our. driveway. wUMP THY THUMP || 117? | THUR, aBS" 1o7 When IT made the basketball team, Mom went out and bought a backboard and hoop for above the garage. a guess she was hoping a could put up. extra shots on the nights I didn't have practice. But T haven't taken a single shot on that thing, because the second it went up, the teenagers in our neighborhood swooped msEver since they took. down the outdoor hoops at our school, there havent been a lot of places where kids can play. So now they tome_to our house, and Dad has topark down the street when he gets home from work. Dad told Mom he wanted to take the hoop down, but Mom said she was happy that kids were outdoors having, fun. T guess T wouldn't have minded too much, either, but the teenagers dont know when to STOP. And when were heading to bed for the hight, those guys are still_out there going, hard.104 Lately, Moms been trying to_gjve them a hint that its time to.go home by flicking the lights above the garage on and off. But T. guess teenagers aren't real good at taking hints, because they ust keep right on. Playing. So a few nights ago, Mom turned the lights off when it got dark outside. But those guys were PREPARED, and they set up a generator and lights in no time.110 Last night, Dad reached his breaking point and called the COPS, who were at the house ten minutes later. i thought that would be the end of it, but it turns out cops like baske+tball, too. We've kind of given up on trying to stop people from using the hoop. But T guarantee you that the first time there's nobody out there, were taking that thing down.iu Another reason Lve been so tired lately is because our practices have been starting at 9:30 p.m. We've been using the elementary school gym, but we have to.wait until the other two teams are done with THEIR practices before we can start ours. On our first night at the ay™ Mr. Patel forgot his bag of basketballs and had +o ge home. to get it. And while he was gone, Darren Woodley noticed the Phys Ed closet was open, so we went inside. There was all SORTS of fun equipment in there, like pogo sticks and Hula-Hoops and even a giant2 Tt had been a long time. since any of us had play ed with that stuff, and all of a sudden we were like little kids again. ig tlyWe even made vpa whole new game that used those square four-wheeled scooters and some giant plastic bowling pins. And it was actually WAY more fun than basketbe But when Me. Patel came back with the bag of balls, he shut our game down.Alt Mr. Patel told us we were there to play basketball, not +o goof around. ‘Then he made us put . everything back in the closet where we found it. Te read that basketball started off with a bunch of 9s horsing around with a leather soccer ball and a peach basket, and now it's popular all over the WORLD. But if their coach had been anything like Mr. Patel, it probably never wouldve happened.And T'll bet Mr. Patel’s gehna feel pretty dumb when the sport we invented goes PRO. Once we finished putting all the equipment back in the closet, Mr. Patel lined us up.at the foul line to practice free throws. And even after he showed us the right way +o shoot, most of us couldnt get the hang of it. After missing a bunch of times in a row, T was getting pretty frustrated. So T shot the ball BACKWARD, just for kicks. And believe it or not, it went IN.My teammates were pretty impressed, ahd after that, EVERYONE +ried making a backward shot.eo dD 17 But Mr. Patel shut THAT down, too. He said we were never gonna improve until we started taking things more SERIOUSLY. T tried to explain that Twas better at shooting backward than forward, ahd maybe the bey he was teaching uswas all wrong. But I guess Mr. Patel thought I was being a smart aleck, so he made me run wind sprints until the end of practice. Leb}118 On. the first few nights we just worked on stuff like dribbling, passing, and. shooting. But at the beginning of last night's practice, Mr. Patel said we were gonna. SCRIMMAGE. Everybody was. pretty excited that we were finally gonna get to actually PLAY. But right when we were about to start, a group of men iy dad's age walked into the gym One of the. guys walked up-to Mr. Patel and said we were gonna have to get off the court because the Men's League had the gy booked at 9:30 every Wednesday night.119 But Mr. Patel said that we had the gym until __ 10:30, and he had double-checked with the rec department that afternoon. Things started to get a little HEATED, but then Mr. Patel came up_with a solution. He said we could play those. ays ina Scrimmage, and whoever won could have the court. grown men. But these guys didnt look like they were in the best shape, and I thought we. might be able to take them T+ took long time for the Men's League to warm up. J. thought they were getting cold feet and were just STALLING.120 After those guys finally finished stretching, we get started. We won the tip-off, and a figured we were on our way to_an easy win. But it was_all downhill after that.124 Those Men's League arys might not have been super athletic, but they knew how to PLAY. And they totally made fools out of us. The whole time, they never stopped TALKING. And I hate to admit it, but they were really getting inside our HEADS. T+ was all comy stuff that only grown-ups would say, but it really worked. And the more they talked, the more we struggled.122FN TY OR, The person who was getting the most frustrated was PREET. And T could tell he really wanted to stick it +o. these guys: But they had figured out that Preet was our onl: good player, and whenever hed get the ball, they were all over him. At one point, Preet stole the ball and sprinted to the other end of the court for what should've been an easy layup. LT think Preet wanted to make a Statement, because he decided to DUNK it. We were all pretty excited to see Preet throw it down. But I guess he needs +o grow.a few more inches before he's ready for that.124 Preet landed awkwardly on his ankle. And even though the game wasnt offically over, 1 think the Men's League saw it asa WIN.125 i. thought Preet gust rolled his ankle and hed be back +o normal for the next practice. But when he showed up at the gym tonight, he was on CRUTCHES - a aioe’ T+ tums out Preet BROKE his ankle, and he's — out for the whole season. And that's bad news for the rest of us, because without him we're toast. T's even worse news for Mr. Patel, because now he's stuck coaching this team for the rest of the season. And I'm sure hed rather be spending his free +time watching TV or learning to juggle ___ But at the beginning of practice, Mr. Patel gave a speech. He said injuries area part of the game, and the rest of us were gonna have +o step up.126 Then he ran us through Some. plays that were supposed to make it easy to score. We started with five on three, but nobody could make a basket. So we went to five on two, and then five on one, and we STILL couldn't score. We finally hit a shot when it was five on ZERO, but the play didn't 9° the way Mr. Patel drew it up- So if we actually Score in our first game this weekend, it's gonna be by blind LUCK.127 At the end of practice, Mr. Patel said he hada surprise for us, and opened a big cardboard box. Then he started handing out UNIFORMS. ‘> T noticed the uniforms looked kind of familiar, and L recognized the SMELL, too. Mr. Patel explained that there wasn't enough time to get hew uhiforms for the team, so they had to recycle the ones from tryouts. av128 But there was something DIFFERENT about the Jerseys, because now there was a logo printed oh the back. Mr. Patel told us that every team has a sponsor to help pay for stuff like gyn rentals, and our sponsor for the season was Marconi's Sub Shop. I guess it was tough finding a good sponsor, because Im pretty sure Marconis is still closed for health code Violations. MARCONI’S Sub shop,129 Saturday Today. was our first game of the season, and it _ was at the elementary school oy Coach Patel asked everyone to. get the we could go over the plan and warm vp. Mr. Patel showed us a few new plays he designed, . which looked like they must've taken all night +o draw up. T just Taped the other gyys on the team understood what all the little ll were supposed to meah, because it was complete gibberish to MIWhile we were going over the plays, the stands started filling up. Twas nervous +o play in front of a crowd, but it turns out T didnt need +o worry. about it. Because when Coach Patel put in his starting lineup, I wasn’t in it. We were playing against Franklin, which is a town that's twenty minutes down the road from us. Things got off toa rocky stact when Franklin won the opening, tip-off and took it all the wa down to the other end for a layup. And that set the tone for the rest of the game.13h Kevin Pomodoro was our point guard, because he's the only kid on our team who can dribble while looking up. But Kevin was basically playing one- handed, because every time he needed. to. yell out one of Coach Patel’s plays, he'd have to take his retainer out so people could understand him. Everstually the Franklin players caught on, and whenever Kevin would call a play, they'd ge for aoF = 132 Our team was trying its best to follow Coach Patel’s new plays, but T. dont think anyone knew who was ah X ahd who was an O, so it was just pure confusion out there. Coach Patel started yelling at the kids on the bench like what was happening out there was OUR fault. And T just acted like T was ashamed because it seemed like thats what he was looking for.SY &K oo Hh 133 Coach Patel started subbing, kids out of the game, and I was getting warried he was gonna put ME in. So TL. moved to the end of the bench and just prayed hed forget T was there. But Mom was in the stands, and she wasnt exactly helping. oaere Even. though the elementary school gym is_our home. court, it’s not like we have a home court ADVANTAGE. First of all, the gymis about seventy years ald, and there areal sorts of dead spots on the floor. So even when someone on our team would try to. get something. going, theyd end up losing their dribble. Plus, there's bubble gum and other crud caked on the floor. And on a fast break, Jabari Bruce actually lost a shoe. running down the court.Whoever designed the. gym did a lousy job, because there's no room between the sidelines and the walls. So anyone “yrs +o save a ball from going i 9 their LIFE... — out of bounds is_r On top of that, the doors to the restrooms are close to the baseline. And in the first quarter, there was a line for the ladies’ room."sf Seas Ses Ny To make matters worse, the grys who used the men's room kept leaving the door open. And at one point someone threw a bad pass and the ball landed_in the URINAL. AS One of the refs washed the ball off in the sink and then dried it with Some. paper towels. cy don't know what they pay those gyys. but whatever it is it’s not ENOUGH._—— 137 Believe it or not, team. managed to score a handful of buckets. But when the buzzer went off, the score was 38—6. T. was just glad that Coach Patel didn't put.me in, because if he had, guarantee we would ve lost by even MORE. Tre played enough sports to know that when the game's over, youre supposed to shake hands with the other team and say it was a good. game. So that's exactly what I DID. But T wished someone had told me we were only. at HALFTIME, because maybe then Lt wouldnt have made sucha foal of myself.— Shee Oa Coach Patel told us to meet in the locker room so we could get ready for the second half. But the elementary school didn't HAVE « locker room, so we had to setHe for the men's bathroom. And unfortunately it was occupied, so we didnt even have it all to ourselves. But that didnt stop Coach Patel from launching into his halftime speech as _sooh_as he stepped in the room. TL was a little bummed out that Coach was making us listen toa speech at halftime. Because if you ask me, I think halftime should hk. . VACATION JS, the aame139 But Coach Patel started by going over everything we were doing wrong, and all the ad Ljustments we needed +o make in the second half if we wanted So Then he told us a story about this group of Scottish warriors from a long time ago. He said they were surrounded by their enemies and were totally outnumbered, but they won the battle by sticking together and fighting with everything they had.