135 words! MUST be 150!

I think this r is not realistic as there is not enough data.

The table shows purchase-related data about department and online stores in Australia in the year
2011. Overall, although there were overwhelmingly more online stores, the differences in other financial
factors were not discernible.

1. Any change is discernible… And the point at which a minor change becomes indiscernible as a
matter of opinion… You’re not supposed to give any opinions!!! You should stick to the facts
“Overall, all aspects were higher for online stores; especially the number of businesses “

In 2011, department stores had merely 67 businesses, which were about five times fewer than their
online counterparts with approximately 370 stores.

1. Start the paragraph with what the paragraph is about which is the number of businesses
“Looking first at the number of businesses, there were 67 department stores….
2. Merely as a matter of opinion and this word is best avoided

“Turning to the other factors,

However, the sales revenues, profits and growth were marginally higher in the virtual stores. Both forms
of stores had the growth of around 0.5%, of which online stores experienced 0.6% of growth while 0.4%
was found in department stores. As for other financial matters, sales revenues of physical locations
accounted for 12,700 AUD, with the profits of 807 AUD. Meanwhile, at a slightly higher level, online
stores generated 13,400 AUD in sales revenues which translated into 863 AUD in profits.

Task Achieve- 8-1=7 ✘ 150 -190 words

ment you must write 150 words! If necessary write a second overall summary at the
end [this is better than not writing 150 words]
✘ overall summary
it is discernible!
all key data covered / data is highlighted well

✘ data is reported accurately

do not use words that suggest an opinion such as indiscernible and merely
Cohesion and logical separation of data into paragraphs
Coherence
body paragraphs start with a phrase that indicates the data in the paragraph

logical paragraph development

linking phrases are used well

Vocabulary 8 ✘
appropriate word choices / control of word endings/forms
do not use words that suggest an opinion such as indiscernible and merely

Lots of useful rephrasing of vocabulary

spelling is correct

Grammar 8 ✘ articles (a, an, the)

sentence structures are correct

Overall 7.5 you must write 150 words!

Avoid words that suggest an opinion and stick to the facts