The given bar chart illustrates the percentage changes in firms applying social media for commercials

from 2012 to 2016. Overall, all businesses of varying sizes witnessed an upward trend in the use of
social media, with large-scale enterprises dominating over the period surveyed. Noticeably, both small
and medium businesses experienced the largest growth.

1. By commercials I guess you mean advertising. The task does not mention that. If you mean
companies you got firms earlier in the sentence.
2. “Dominating” is about the relative size and is get stuff in between the discussion of upward
trend and largest growth… You should put “largest growth“ in the same sentence as the upward
trend and then you could have the “dominating“ in the next sentence.

Large firms underwent an overall minute increase in the use of social media. Commencing with around
78% in 2012 and 2013, the presence of social media dropped slightly by only about 1% in 2014 and then
fell expeditiously to its nadir of just over a half in 2015. Thereafter, this number soared to slightly under
80% in 2016.

1. Expeditiously doesn’t seem to collocate well with trends based on my uncomfortable feeling and
limited research with the word. Up to you, I’m not going to waste a lot of time on this. It’s
related to the word expedite and this also suggests that it’s not a great word to be using.
2. Nadir is a great word

The second most prominent use of social media was found in medium businesses. There was a surge
from just over 30% to slightly under a half between 2012 and 2014, preceding a plunge to its bottom of
precisely 30% in 2015. The data then grew suddenly to end the period at approximately 52%.

1. I think sharply would be better than suddenly

Small firms also experienced a relatively uniform tendency, albeit at different rates. Initially, the data
increased gradually from around 27% in 2012 to about 35% in 2014. Although having a drop to 30% in
2015, the data surged to slightly below 50% in 2016.
 1. “also” guess this means the same as the previous category… But then it doesn’t really seem that
much the same and so I think you should not write this word and not take the risk of writing this
word. I don’t really clearly what it is the same as.
2. Uniform means the same. What is the same? For me it could be a uniform increase but then
that would indicate that each year increased by about the same… But then one year decreased…
so I don’t really know why you using this phrase. Another thing I just noticed on another reading
is that you have got uniform and different… How can it be uniform and different? These are
polar opposites!
3.

Task Achieve- 8 150 -190 words

ment
overall summary

all key data covered / data is highlighted well

data is reported accurately

The reason why didn’t give nine is because of difficulty reading and
understanding parts of your report.

The things that I really liked that make me consider nine were:
1. excellent phrases at the start of each paragraph that give me lots of extra
information and tell me which ranking each business size has.
2. Some very precise vocabulary nadir that communicate a precise message
to me.
3. All three companies sizes were covered well

Cohesion and 8 logical separation of data into paragraphs

Coherence
body paragraphs start with a phrase that indicates the data in the paragraph
really excellent… I really liked this!
logical paragraph development

linking phrases are used well

I’ve highlighted a number of issues in grey that caused me difficulty

Vocabulary 8 ✘
appropriate word choices / control of word endings/forms
some word choices strike me as confusing

spelling is correct

Grammar 9 articles (a, an, the)

✘
sentence structures are correct

Overall 8 1. the organisation of the overall summary could be better… Trends first
and then the absolute amount second…. Rather than trend, absolute
amount, trend
2. some word choices are confusing