§THERE'S MYMONEY?

by John Patrick Shanley §TftIERE,'S

JM. J\í
Marriage and its discontents are the subject of \[HERE'S MY MONEY?
\When Celeste, an out-of-work actor who's cheating on her boyfriend with
MYMONEY?
a married man, runs into Natalie, whom she hasnt seen in years, the two
have some catching up to do. Natalie, an accountant married to a lawyer,
I}Y JOHN PAIRICK SHANLEY
gives the impression of being very together and does not approve of
Celeste's lifestyle. "I don't know any other way to put this," she tells her.
"You're a whore." But Natalie's life is not nearly as together as it appears. In
fact, her marriage with Henry is hanging by a thread, and she's being visited
by the ghost of an ex-boyfriend who claims she owes him money.
Meanwhile, it turns out that the married man Celeste is having an affair
with is Henryt idol, Sidney, a divorce lawyer with a pet theory that one
partner in every marriage will be unfaithful, so it might as well be you.
Sardonic and caustic, §IHERE'S MY MONEY? vivisects the institution of
marriage with Shanley's inimitable razor-sharp wit.

"... [aJ semi-surrealist comedy about reuenge, retribution and the emztional
and physical scars of modern relationships ... Shanley" Strt fo, acid-laced one'
liners and emotionally tumescent exchanges is certainly ?otent ...WHERE'S
MY MONEW suggests some intriguing ideas about the dangerous wtryl men
and women worh out humiliations and fiustrations from tbeir past on tbeir
current Partners ... "
-variety
"... liuely, smltrt, occasionally scary and. rich in reuerse wisdom."
NewYorkTimes
-The

Also by John Patrick Shanley

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Produced in New York CirY

by rhe Manhattan Theatre Club, 2001

Orisinallv oroduced bv
LAByrinth Thà..' Öó-p*y in Í$YC, 200I.
SPECIAL NOTE ON SONGS AND B3CORDING§
For performanc., of.opy.ighr"d songs, afrangemenrs or recordingt mentioncd in this
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VHËRE:S MY MONEY? wx
originally produced by the CTTARACÏERS
L.AByrinth Theater Company (Jinn §. Kirrr and David Zff4s,
Producers) in New York Ciq,bn ],rly I8, 2001. It was directed by SIDNEY
john Pauiek §hanley; the set design was by Michelle MalaYee the
CELESTE
liehtins desisn was bv §arah Sidman the sotnd design was by Eric
fjÉn ón; tÍe **r*" du*i$t was by Minri O'Donuel& and' the HENRY
§tngË Ínalregsr was Dawn V4ner, ïle casr'was an followa:
MARCIA MARIE
§IDNEY.a...!,.......r..'....r.i.:r..,..a.,... . David Debliager TQMI4Y
CEL§STE ....,,.r......,,r.r.:..ri..?r..ii..i.ii.r.r..'..i.. YettaAnn Gottesmarr
§ENtr..... ."...*..Jo&nÖrdz (inoriginal production) NTtrATIH
fuik leray Hervey (in subsequent production)
lv[AnCIAil{ARIE it.-.i,r..i......,d '-.,.. Florencialnzano
§ET
NAIALIA ,ar.!,.,.*.{r.i PeulaP'itu:i
ïwo dosm, orre all, one short. Furniture ss ncd6d

§rHEREl§ MY MONEY? was subseqrtendy produced by &"

ManhaturrÏheatre Club at City Center Suge,II (Lynne Meadow,
Àrtistic Directoq Barry Grove,'Executive Producer) in Ncw Yorlc
City'on Novembcr 7, 2001, with thc above crcw and cast.

4
§í/HERE'S MYMONEY?
In the dark is heard the theme music fom some whodunit
hind of sbow. Ve see a series of uignettes, coming attïdct;ons,
undzrscored by the music. Each characte, tres oi senses some-
rhing fightening before the lights cut oat.

Lights *p on Natalie in a bed asleep. She starts awahe. A

nightruare.

Lighx bump lut on her. Lights up on Sidney, sitting in a

chair reading a baok. He lowers the book, starts at thl sryht
of something.

Lights out on Sidney. Now ue see Marcia Marie. She\ in her

hitchen with a braom. She turns around, smiling, sees som€-
thing awful. Lights out.

Henry is discouered, flattened against a uall. The shadou

the hands of someone approaching. Henry cowers infeat

Blachout. End of oignettes.

 CEI-ESTE. '§7here did YOU go? You dropped our of the world!
You look great, Natalie" You look really put together.
Scene I NATALIE. I sort've am rogether.
CELESTE. Did tr hear you gor married?
NATALIE. Two years.
Lighx up on a French coffee cafe in Soho. Welre ouxide. h's CELESTË. Congratularions!
laí, *oiring. We see Celeste, a darhly aftraciae utoman uith NATALIE. Thank you. You look so hokie stokie!
a stightllt bohemian feel, talhing on a cell phone. She sits at a CELESTE. 'i7'hat does that mean?
tinti bke tablr, with a hot drinh and the re/ruuiru of a muf- NATALIE. Sex bomb,
CELESTE. I'll accept that.
f-n. There's a notebooh and paper on the table as well. She has
-a
low uoi.ce. She's excited anà alarmed fu, the call. NATALIE. Are you sdll with that 6uy?
CELESTE. Kenny. Yeó.
NATALIE. In the same place?
CELESTE, \Waitl She tied knots in his tie, she shoved the tie up CELESTE. Yeah, same place. THE ROOM. §?here are you?
his tushie, and then, at the key moment, she ripped the tie out like NATALIE. Upper'W'est Side. Two rooms. It wa^s Henryt aunrt
she was starting a lawn mower. Pup pup PuP PuP P\WONKI The when she ...
last knot was huge. But heret the twisted Part. The next day he goes CELESTE. §7-hat are we doing? Let's sit. I'm ser up over here.
to the office het wearing the tie. Other than fiat, it wasn't a very NATALIE. Good idea. (They sit.) §?'ell. Here we are. The accounr-
good movie.- lVhat? V4'ratt that? I cant. I cant! I'm in a- public ing department.
place. Turquoise. You are? Right now? You mean for real? Id like to CELESTE. I was secretarial.
iee that. (Natalit aP?edrs. Sheï about the same age, also affractiue, a NATAUE. Is that a ring on your finger?
little harder maybe, àore prosperoul She recognizes Celeste and points CELESTE. I guess so.
and waues. Ceie*e mimei shoch and bappiness at seeing Natalie- The NATALIE. I mean it looks like an engagemenr ring ...
CELESTE. (Simubaneous.) An engagement ring.
follouting bit of diatogue is ouerlapped in.) Natalie!
(She gatures she
-needs
a-minuie rnore 0n the phone, and then §als into the receiuer.) NATALïE. 'Well, is it?
Can you hold a second? Shut up! (Couers the receiuer') Natalie! FIow CELESTE. Thart what Kenny called it"
are you? Oh my God! NATALIE. §í'ell, isnt that what it is rheni
NATALIE. I'm getting coffee. Should I join you? You have a CELESTE. He didnr exacdy ask ma He.iust said that's what it was.
minute? NATALIE. A gry says "Here's an engagemenr ring," it isnt a big
CELESTE. Yesl I'll finish up while you're '.. leap ro .. "
NATALIE. Greart (Natalie goes in. Celeste resumes her call.) CELESTE. Yeah, but he put it on MY Visa card.
CELESTE. I gotta go. lVhat about ... (The caller cuts /,r, off) NATALIE. Oh.'§(r'ell rhat's ...
lWhatt Friday like for you, Friday night? Kennfs got a gig. Okay, CELESTE. Questionable. Yeah.
I'll be there. That's just my number. Okay. See ya then. (She puts NATALIE. Are you srill acting?
her cell away. Natalie retu.rns u,itlt cffie.) CELESTE. I uke classes, bur I havent goften much work I have a
NAT,{,LIE. I-{ey Celeste, whadaya know? It's so great to see you! great coach, but my agent is ... I'rn nor even sure I have an agenr I
CELESTE. You too! have to get into that. Thatï the next rhing. Theres always a neil rhing.
NATALIE. \&'here did you go? NATAUE. But I mean ... did you...?
CELESTE. Did I what? CELESTE. Stuff
NATALIE. You know. Get an oPeration? NATAUE. Huh?
CELESTE. No, I never did. I decided against it. CELESTE. My white enamel alligator pin.
NATALIE. So you still have the limp. NATAUE. I dont follow.
CELESTE. Yeah, but it's not very noticeable. CELESTE. You liked it.
N,{TALIE. It was the first thing I registered about you' Here was NATAUE. §íhac?
this sexy young girl, she wants to be an actress, but she has a limp' CELESTE. §7'hen we \Mere working together. I had this white
Can they fix it? enamel pin. Of an dligator. You liked it, and you did something.
CELESfE. Theret nothing reallywrong to fix. Itt how I'm made' NATAUË. Are we in the same conversation?
Itt just a slight disproportion between my left and right hip. I CELESTE. I left my jaclcet over my chair. '§íhen I came back
guess, at a certain point, I decided to accept myself as- I am- from lunch, my white enamel alligator pin was gone.
Nafefm,. So if you're not making money acting, how do you NATALIE. This is back three years ago?
get byi CELESTE. Yeah.
efLE,Sff,. I temp. I'm a secretarial temp. Just like I always was. NATALIE. Are you saying threc years ago you thought I took a
NATALIE. Did I hurt your feelings? pin offyour jacker while you were at lunch?
CELESTE. No" CELESTE. Itt more like a nagging slight unfounded suspicion I
NATALIE. I'm such a rhinoceros. \Mant to definitely put to rest.
CELESTE. It's better. NAïhUE. There had to be six people in that office, messengers
NATALIE. Think so? coming and going, the coffee can. Why would you think it was me?
CELESTE. At least you tell the truth. CELESTE. I dont know.
NATALIE. That's what I think, but maybe I'm just an asshole. NATALIE. Did I seem guilry?
CELESTE. Even if you are an asshole which you're not -_ at CELESTE. No.
least you dont compound it by
-
pretending to be sensitive. NATALIE. Then how did you come to think I took your pin?
NATALIE" I did hurt your feelings. CELESTE. No good reason.
CELESTE. lVell, what do you think? NATAUE. But then why did you think it?
NATALIE. So I did. I thought I did. CELESTE. (Big confessioa) Because the day before, I took your
CELESTE. You just about said I'll never get a.iob because I'm a red beret!
cripple. NATALIE. You did?
NATAUE. An acting job. CELESTE. Yes.
'Vl'ell, I m an actress! NATALIE. I had a red beret? I guess I did. You took it?
CELESTE.
NATALIE. But you dont work CELESTE. Yes. I've been carrying that confession around for
CELESTE. Lots of actresses dorit work! three years. (,* she rernoaes the beretfrom her pune.) Actually, I've
NATALIE. And maybe those girls shouldnt be actresses. been carqying the beret for three years. Here it is back. I m sorry.
CELESTE. You got a mouth on you, you know that? I forgot this NATALIE. \Vhy would you take this?
characteristic. The truthteller. CELESTE. Because I'm insane! And then I tried to jusdfy my bad
'§í'ell, behavior by deciding you took my pin!
NATAUE. I'm an accountant. Bottom line.
CELESTE. When it suits you. NATALIE. But I didnt take your pin!
NATAUE. §7hats that mean? CELESTE. I know you didnt take it! I wish you had. Then we'd

10 ll
be even. lbu can just wa-lk away. I'il understand. NATALIE. How's the band?
NATAI-IË,. I-isten. Lett just say we're even, okay? So you took CELESTE. The band broke up. Kenny does weddings now as a
some raggy beret that didn'r belong to you. Forgive yourself. §(e've pickup deal. But mostly he just sits in the apartment and looks at
-Ihat
all done wors€. me like I'm "The Thing Ate His Life."
CELESTE. Thankyou. NATALiE" Is he depressed?
NATALIE. No big deal. CELESTE. Het a lary, stoned drummer in a cheap Hawaiian shirt.
CELESTE. I'm such a case. He's like a depressing piece of furniture. \What's your husband dol
NATALIE. Forget it. NATALIE. He's a lawyer.
CELESTE. No. You're a nicer person than me. CELESTE. A lawyer. \7'hat happened ro that other guy?
'§(zho?
NATALIE. No I'm not. NATALIE.
CELESTE. Yes, you are. I wanna learn from you. I wanna learn CELESTE. Youknowwho.
to deal. MrÈ. I should look at my life without makeup. My life NATALIE. Tommy. \í'ell, I knew that wasnt going to work out.
is bad. §V'ell, ir's not that bad but ... I enjoy reading. I dont rffanna That was just sex.
feel sorry for myself but . .. CELESTE. You were nuts about him.
NATALIE. Is it Kenny? NATAUE. He was a porter. I wasnt going to marry a porter.
CELESTE. He's not helping. But itt him too. I'm not gedng CELE§TE. Did he ask you?
work and I'm turning thirry and I just got this huge bill for dre NATALIE. No.
ring ... CELESTE. Thar was hot. That thing you had with him.
NAÏALIE. I would've thought youU already rurned thirry? NATALIE. You never saw us.
CELESTE. AI"L zuGHI I ve TURNED thirry! So your marriage CELESTE. I remember the way you looked. He was all over the
is good? way you looked.
NATAUE. I mean, actually, you must be thirry-one. NATAUE. Yeah, well, it was hot.
CELESTE. Yes. All right. I forgot. You ARE an accountant. CELESTE. I
feel like running something by you.
Thirry-one. I m glad we got that straightened out. So ho#s your NATAUE. §7'had
marriage? Good? Bemer? Bad? CELESTE. Maybe not.
NATALIE. Itt good. NATAUE. All right.
CELESTE. Nice for you. I'm glad. And you have a job you like? CELESTE. I m having an affair
NATALIE. It's solid. NATAUE. Oh wow. §7ho?
CELESTE. So you see what youre saying? Lpok at the picture. CELESTE. Six months now.
You've got a life. NATALIE. Does Kenny know?
NATALIE. '§í'ell,I made choices. CELESTE. He acts like he doesnt but, I mean ... There's evidence.
CELESTE. (Shc oicl) No. ft's karma. I try to make choices, but NATALIE. Phone calls?
nothing sticks. I jusr float. CELESTE. No. Bruises.
NATALIE. How! Kenny doing? NATALIE. So this guy's violent?
'§7E'RE
CELESTE. I think Kenny hates me. CELESTE. violent.'W'e both have a lot of anger. Itt sonïe
NATALIE. He does not! I-atin.
'§0'eïe
CELESTE. been together for so long, and his life is so not NATALIE. He's Latin?
happening, and he is smoking so much dope. CELESTE. No.

t2 r3
NATALIE. Uh-huh. So you hit him, too?
CELESTE. No. But we'rc in it togeóer. It musr sound bad. It's
hard to explain.
NATALIE. §7hyd you tell me?
CELESTE. I havent told anybody.
NATALIE. Then why me?
CELESTE. He slaps me. He spanks me. He makes me crawl
around the floor like a dog. He calls me names. And then I go
home to Kenny and act like nothing happened.
NATALIE. So Kenny knows.
CELESTE. I dont know. Kenny blows so much weed he may
think I m something on TV
NATALIE. He musr know.
CELESTE. '§7'ho knows what Kenny knows? He's English.
NATALIE. And this guy you're having this ...
CELESTE. He has read the book that God wrote on my flesh.
I've always been afraid to say whar I want. He knows whail want
and he makes me do it. Get this. He gave me a gun.
NATALIE. He what?
CELESTE. Sometimes I'd be headed home late. He was woried
about me. So he gave me a litde gun. How sory is that? I know sick
NATALIE. Nor necessarily. But whatt the deal exactly?
CELESTE. There is no deal. I see him óout once every week and
a half He calls me, I show up sornewhere, and he burni down my
fucking house.
NATAUE. Het married.
CELESTE. Yeah. I donï care.
NATAUE. You care.
CELESTE. You knowwhat I mean.
NATALIE. And you know what I mean.
CELESTE. Let me conuol the way I tell this story, okay?
NATALIE. Okay.
CELESTE. Theres an atmosphere with this guy ... of murder. He
wouldnt murder me I that's not whar I m sayrng bur ir's there.
Like an aroma- I could smell this fiing on him uÀen - we met. He
was introducin himself;, sayiri hello, beiri nice. §7ere in a public
plrye. I remember thinkirf, he's going rc rape me. And seing [ike,
police photographs in my head. Of me. And righr like that, riehr
t4
out of that, I gave him my phone number. I walked away like there
was a clmera recording me and music I was walking ro. And I felt
like I was_in-a ghost story about love. Aweek later, oö meet up. I,m
alone with him for the first time. Ir's in his office. I walk in his
office. He closes the door. "Click." And I feel this weight come over
my arms and legs. I was scared. 'Cause he was goint to do some-
thing ro me. And I wanted him to do somerhing ó
-.. I was afraid
and I wanted to be afraid. I wanted feal I was dred of being "good
girl." The first dme I wenr to him, I went to his office. I dÀ; a[
in-white. Can you imagine? Like a sacrifice. I had rhis book, Return
oJ the Natiue. And I just started talking about Eustacia Vye because
I was so nervous. And he didnt call mi on it. He didnt say, *§flhat
ï. ry".rl$lg about this book? That's not whatt
He just talked back to me about Eustacia
going on here."
gut ót ilàt e mlked,
$,e.
he put his hand on the bone in my chest, and he slowly pushed me
down. He never sropped talking abour what I *r .*lÉ.rg about,
but he was pushing and I was going down. And then his hàds and
my whole aneromy wenr ro this other world and we did r}ings
witlout words. \il7'hat we were saying
was like we were one bunil
of people in one room, bur what we iere doing was.we were anoth-
er bunch of people in a very different room. A room without
words. W'e had a secrer from ourselves. There was a lot of blood. I
go.t my.period right in the middle ... He's ... He was big. I guess
it knocked something loose. He hadda go out ,o , ,.o..Ljb,ry
me a raincoat to pur over myself, 'Cause, Natalie, I looked like Id
just been born. And this was in an office. This was in a mant office.
In the middle of the day. Do you know what I m tdking about? you
do kinda, dont you?
NATALIE. Celeste.
CELESTE. §7hat?
NATALIE. I don't like this whole freaking thing! 'il?hat are you
doing?
CELESTE. I know.
NÀTALIE. I dont see you for nvo years ...
CELESTE. But you do know whai I m rdking abour, dont you?
In some way?
NATALIE. No.
CELESTE. God, I really thought in some way you would ... I
l5
havent told anyone. I chought you ...
NATALIE" You were mistaken.
CELESTE. I guess we never knew each other very well.
NAïÀLIE. No.
CELESTE. But you were more like me ... before.
NATALIE. M"È.. M"È. I was rurned on by dangerous, stupid
shit when I was younger.
CELESTE. Okay. I d appreciate it if you didnt ".. repeat this
conversation.
NATALIE. I won't.
CELESTE. But I am little bummed out that we cani talk. I need
to talk to somebody. I can be pretry hard on mysel(
NATALIE. I think you're inviting a conversation you dont wanna
have.
CELESTE. But I do want to have it. Look, ['m in trouble.
NATALIE. You're in some underworld.
CELESTE. Yes, I am. That's true.
NATALIE. But you wanna see it as positive and I can't help you
with that. Itt not positive. You've got it wrong.
CELESTE. Then smaighten me out.
NATALIE. Are you sure?
CELESTE. Yeah. I'm inviting it. I want a reaction.
NATALIE. AII right, I'll just lay it out for you. Youre a whore.
CELESTE. \Vhat?!
NATALIE. Dont. Please. It's hard enough without you playing
surprised. Don't tell me you haven't thought about the íact that
you're a whore. A STUPID whore.
CELESTE. Natalie.
NATALIE. I'll break it down for you. First thing. The count. Lett
do the count. You're thirqy-one. Next year, you'll be guess what?
Twenry-three? No. Thirry-two. And it goes on fi'om there. Older,
older, older. A flight of stairs going down, down, down. You're like
a qlrart of milk reaching its expiration date. Have you ever tried to
sell a pumpkin the day after Halloween? That's what you are àc-
ing. Are you ready? I donï think so. Is it just? 'Who cares. Pick a
fight with God. See where you get. It's the truth of what it is to be
a woman.
CELESTE. Not in France.
r6
NATALIE. France! Then go to France! Climb the Eiffel Tower.
Feed the pigeons. Maybe they'll be glad to see you. Piease! Youre
in America. Do the math" Next. Youve gotta face the fàcts. \tru've
got a birth defect. Youïe got a limp. How many parts are there for
limping girls?
CELESTE" Laura in The Gkss Menageie.
NATALIE. (Simultaneous.) Laura in The Glass Menagerie. And
thatt itl Have there been any productions of that play?
CELESTE. Yes.
NATALIE. And did you get that parr?
CELESTE. No.
NATALIE. Then itt dme for you to stop office-temping and
doing Romeot girlfriend in acting class and get a trona-fide fuck-
ing job. It's rwo plus two. You have to drop the lollipop and pick
up the car keys! Next issue. Kenny. This may sound tough, but I'm
going to say it anlway. Kennyt your best bet.
CELESTE. No wayl
NATALIE. Yes, het a loser. But what are you at this point? Maybe
rogether you can pull your car out of the ditch and make some
miles down the road. I know where you're at, Celeste. Theret a
rnillion women like you. You dont wanr ro look at your srory
'cause you dont like your story so you just close your eyes and tell
yourself a fucking fairy tale. And you know what that makes you?
In a world of men? Totally exploimbie. 'Cause you want rhe iie.
Ycru got no interest in the truth. §ilhar's the trurh ever done for
you? The truth of your life is like a bad magazine. Boring srory
lousy pictures. §flhich brings me to your mysrerious, exciting,
cheeseball stud. Who smacla you around because he's afraid of his
wi&. f)o I even have ro ta-lk abour this rodenri À married violenr
scumbug who slips you a Saturday Night Special for what?
Valentines Dayi You cant look at whar this guy pegged the minute
he srnelled rhat thriftsirop essential oil you use fcrr perfume. You're
a pushover. Is this your notebooki
CELESTE. You dont iike my oil?
N,{TALIE. \f,{rat have you been writing?
CEI-ESTL,. Foetry,
I'{ATALIE. Poetry. You're going clown in flarnes. Unless you get it
together, they are going to pass you around iilce chicken wings.
t7
CELESTE. I cant believe you called me a whore. is rhc perfecc thing. l

NATALIE. Hasni he called you a whore i Havent you called your- CELESTE. You have no rornantic feelings!
self a whore? NATALIE. \ilfhat tr have and what I do are rwo separere things.
CELESTE. Never mind what I call myself!Ve're talking about you. CELESTE. You said you were a whore.
NATALIE. No, wete talking about you. I'm not the one in trou- NATALIE. And I was-
'§7'hat's CELESTE. So were you with a married manl
ble. your definirion of a whore anyway?
CELESTE. I dont know. NÀTALIE. No. But it was bad anyway.
NATALIE. A romantic woman. Romance is for men. §7omen CELESTE. How?
who setde for romance get used. NATÀLIE. He wasn't a serious contestant. He was uned.ucated, he
'§7-here had a dead-end job, health problems" [{e was rough with me. My
CELESTE. do you get ofP \W'hat is this conversation?
NATALIE. This is the conversation you wanted. feelings about him were cheap.
'§fell,I'm stopping it! CELESTE. Romantic.
CELESTE.
NATALIE. Suit yourself. NATALIE. Same thing.
CELESTE. You have no right to call me what you called me- CELESTE. Maybe you're the one who needs to be straightened
NATALIE. I have the right. out,
CELESTE. How do you figure that? NATAIIE. I don't think so.
NATALIE. Because I was a whore, too. A s[oppy", stupid whore. CELESTE. All right. Look. I knowyou have a point, but the only
But then I made a choice. thing that makes me get up in the morning is this guy. Every.thing
CELESTE. To what? else is lousy. I have to have something to look forward to.
NATALIE. Not be. There are two grouPs of women in the world' NATALIE. Give him up. Marry Kenny.
You've got a choice to make. CELESTE. Aren't you afraid to give such big advice? I mean,
CELESTE. What about following your soul? what if youre wrong?
NAïALIE. lVhat if you have a damned soul? Are you gonna fol- Nr{TALIE. I'm not wrong.
low it down to the burning shitheaps of hell? CELESTE. §íhat if what was right for you isn't right for me?
'\V'e're
CELESTE. M"yb.. very different people.
NATALIE. You are ten years old. You don't get it, do you? How N,{TALIE. \fle're different because I gnt on with my liË, and yo';
about this. I wouldnt even introduce you to my husband. How didnt.
about that? CELESTE. §lhat if we're more different rhan that?
'§7hy NATALIE. Everybody's basically the same. ï was you.
CELESTE. not?
NATALIE. §flrat if your soul told you to fuck him? CELESTE. I dont believe that.
CELESTE. Thatt ridiculous. NATAIIE. That's because you're a romantic. There is no one righl
NATALIE. It's not ridiculous. You probably would fuck him. person for you, Celesre. This isrit about desdny ltt ahc'ut making
CELESTE. I would not! §(/.hat do you think I am? decisions with your head instead of your ass.
NATALIE. I already told you what I think you are. And what CELESTE. But what about my needs?
every woman like me thinls every \ /oman like you would do if she NATALIE. You need a roof over your head. You need an ortho-
got the chance. pedic surgeon.
CELESTE. But offwhat basis do you say such a thing? CELESTE. I need other things more than that. And if I dont get
NATALIE. You like it to be wrong. To be a secret. A married man those things, I dont get being alive.

18 19
NATALIE. Enough. Bite the bullet, make the changes'
CELESTE. \Vhat is it? Are you in trouble?
CELESTE. You're tougher than me.
NATAUE. No.
NATALIE. That's an alibi. But even if itt true, yorr can get CELESTE. Do you owe that man money?
tougher.
NAfAIIE. Yes.

CEígSfE. I'm frightened to do that. CELESTE. How much do you owe him?
NATALIE. I thou{ht you liked being frightened? NATALIE. A couple of thousand dollars. Twenry-seven hundred
dollars.
CELESTE. I do.,i*..,.ra live an idea instead of a life'
CELESTE. And you havent gor ir?
NATALIE" fue you saying that's what I'm doirig?
NATALIE. You dont undersrand.
CELESTE. You tell me.
CELESTE" trs he a criminalï Are you ... (In danger)
NAfaf-if" All right, that's exactiy what I'm doing' I'rn c.ntrol- NATALIE. He's ...
what h*pp"ni in my life. I'm looking down on my day and
ling
CELESTE. 'Cause ï couid walk you right over to rhe police srarion.
,rrJui"g .tuf[ rïornd till iis righr' -['m in. control'
NATAUE. That man's been dead for rwo years. (Blackoat. A pro-
CELE§TE. I wenr to s.lËaltualizing kinesiologist yesterday.
" nounced utolf howl is heard as Natalie and. Cebste looh at each other"
NATALIE. §4rat is that?
Something like Houlin' Wolf singing "I .*hed for Water" hicks in as
CELESTE. Sort of a PsYchic.
w€ moac to the apartrnent.*)
NATALIE. Ch God. That is so perfect'
Cnff,SfE. She told me I was góittg to see my ftiture today
NÀTALIE. M"È* trm the future You'
CEL,ESTE. ï dont want to be You'
Scene 2
NATALIE. Celeste' Youre patlretic' §fake up! \íould you? It's'sad
i" **r.f, someL,ody just fuck everything up' I think ynu need to
oc, home. take a eood hard look in the rnirror, get real, make
A taorking class bedroom on the Upper lV'est Side. Music is
Ël-,ri."r. You ,,eedïo take one day and get brutally realisdc about
playing on a boom box. Tbe masic is somcthing like Howlin'
the facts,rf your life. And DO something about it'
Cf.mSfn. You dont know the things I think about''When I'rn ï{olf singing "I ÀsÈed For lY'ater"; it's pretty loud."
il; IÀ tkry, t know what n do. (A man,-ïbmrny' appears and Discouered: Henry and Natalie. He's about tlt)cnt!-seuen, a
sclf-cducated str€€t gu.! reading a booh in his batltrobe.
approaches the'ir tabh. Cebste sees him frst) Hello?
föftaVrV" llelio. (Natalie turns and iees the man. She almostfaints.
Nataliels in a brightly mlored T:.shirt and a manls boxers. Shc
hnow uthat's going on')
Celeste doesn'r
regards him a moment. Then she star* dancing u thc masic,
CELES'1E. Is there ... I ilt"tJi"l Natalie? (But Natalie onl, stares
scductiue. No resporrsc from Hcnry. He loohs at her and goes
at the man.)
bach to reading. Sudhnly she barks.
iourtay. \X/here's my money?'§íheret my money, Natalie?.
CELESTE. Is he b- ..i fn the'nan:) Excuse me' Excuse me? Shoo!
come on! Back to weird world! schmuck. (The man just walhs off
NATALIE. Henry!I'm in the room. Can you deal with the music
stowb)'§l'ho was that? (No answer.) Ar-e. you okay? Should I " ' I'll
please?
get you some water. (Natalie grabs Celeste as she gets u?' sto??ing
HENRY. (He hir the button on the pkyer to stop the music.) Yes,
her. Sheï frightened.)
NÀïALIE. Stay! I See Special Note on Songs and Recordings on copyright page.

20 2t
rny precious little co-habitator? HENRY, lkru never said.
Ne'faUf,. How can you read and listen to that voodoo rnusic? NATALIE. I said it now.
HENRY. I like to do two rhings at once' l'm like you that way' HENRY. Fair enough. Point taken. (He remoues the medalfom his
nech and giues it to her.) Here.
NATALIE. \(/hat's the book?
HENRY. Cimc and Panishment NATALIE. Just like that?
NATALIE. \ffhy do you like that? HENRY. Just like that. Problem solved. Life as it should be.
HENRY.
'§ího said I like it? NÀTAIIE. All right. Hasra la vista, golden boy. Back to Cairo.
(She tosses the medal; to Henry) You the man.
NATALIE. Vrhy would you read something you dont like?
HENRY. §í'ho said I dont like it? HENRY. Just steppin' up. Give you a role model.
NATALIE. Youre such a fuckiri lawyer' NATALIE. I dont need a role model.
HENRY. I'm reading about guilt. Not guilt in coun. Guilt inside. HENRY. You kiddin'?! Have I ever said no to you?
Most things n.r., g.i to Most trials go on in the heart' This NAThLIE. No.
"o*i.
is the minires of aïrial conducted in the heart. Sidney was reading
HENRY. You need money?
it. He lent it to me. NATALIE. No.
NATALIE" You wanna be like SidneY' HENRY. Those my boxers?
HENRY. No, I do not. tr wanna BE Sidney' Het a partner' And NATALIE. Yeah.
he didnt pass the bar the first time-
HENRY. Fuckin thief. \X/hy dont they look like that on me?
NATALIE. Neither did You. NATALIE. Thatt where I come in.
HENRY. That's my point. It shows that it doesnt mean shit about HENRY. (Re: a pin on tlte boxer shorts.) §7hatt that?
ultimareh achievin[ my desire. Sidney did it. I'll do it. Simple as r]rat.
].IATALIE. Just a pin to hold them up.
NATALIE. You will. HENRY. A litde alligator. (He steps away, examining hr.) Is that you?
Umlny. Thatt right. I will. Because I never give up' Even if I NATALIE. Very nice.
should.
HENRY. But theret a thing I cant figure for Sidney. FIis wife"
\,XÀat's that about?
NATALIE. I count on that.
HENRY. Yeah. You left the front door open again' NATALIE. I'm the accountant. I should be the one doing the
numbers.
NATALIE. Youre such a nudge.
HENRY. And when I went to play my music, there was music in HENRY. History says otherwise. There's a linle matrer of a two
hundred dollar fork.
there I've never heard. You have secret music?
NATALIE. Listen, why dont we get a joint checking account? NATALIE. That was handmade, solid silver.
HENRY.
'§í'e've
been through that. HENRY. Silver costs something like six doflars an ounce. The
NATALIE. I know. Your first wife fucked you oYer so now you fork weighed about two ounces. That brings us up ro twelve dol-
lars. The other hundred and eighry-eight was for what?
handle the money. 'Workmanship.
HENRY. Left rne nothin but a King Tut medal' NATAUE.
NATAUE. But you wear it. HENRY. \W'orkmanship *y
long-suffering ass. How abour rhe
one hundred and ten dollar candle?
HENRY. §íhat, are you iealous of King TLt?
NATALIE. It's a bit of her. NATALIE. That was a very beautiful thing!
HENRY. That bug You? HENRY. k was, but rhen you lit ir And it melted like candles do.
NATAUE. Yeah. You are not going to eat through our savings buying the crazy

22 23
things you like to buy' Now, I'd like to discuss this book' The issue NATALIE. I wouldnt rip you off,
in th"iritory is how long can this guilry motherfucker live with it? HENRY. Of course you wouldnt'cause you can't.
That's the q,r.rtion. f"àry*ring else is known' The crime and who NÀTALIE. Goddammit, I'm not some hustler trying ro get over
did it is Lrrà*r. Everything excePt the exact weight of hypocrisy a on you, Henry! I'm your fucking wife!
is what makes me turn the HENRY. Oh, you're flashin the uedendal. The wife.
-* ."rrt .rrry. Attà thai q,-t.siion
that was such an interesting quesdon NATALIE. Darnn right I aml
page. Who woulda thought
ro me? Li[e ain't like that, is it? HENRY. So we're gettin serious.
NATALIE. Like what? NATALIE. I am exactly serious. I've been serious.
HENRY. Life doesnt have that narrative drive. Life doesnt hook HENRY. Thatt grirn.
you. NATALIE. lWe're married married married, when does the trust
NAï{LIE. Sometimes it does. kick in?'ffhen are you gonna relax with me and take the ride?
HENRY. No, life is boring' People are boring' Books and movies HENRY. Why do you want a joint checking account?
are fake because fake is better. In books and movies the story syn- NATALIE. So I can write checls.
copates. It finishes with a bang. Life is a siege' Life is an army out-
HENRY. l1ou tell rne the check, I'11write it.
sid'" a.iry rhar never àlls. I have clients come in and tell me their
NATALIE. I wanna write the check!
,,ory it's always the same fuckin cha-cha' They blame some- HENRY. ri7hat check?
".,i
body. E r..fbody .o^.. in and blames the other one' He did this'
NAIhLIE. No check in particular. Ifyou died, I d get the money!
,h. did that. Piayin' the blame game. People are predictable as HENRY. So you're fantasizing my death.
Monday after Sunday and boring as a bag lunch' NAIAIIE. If we divorce, I'm entitled.
NATALIE. Am I boring? HENRY. Oh, you waírt a divorce. All right. 7013A and you're out.
HENRY. Absolutely. N,{TALIE. You are so into intimidation.
NATALIE. Bite me' HENRY. I'rn a matrimonial lawyer. That's the.iob.
HENRY" As a story. §(hat's the big revelation with you? Nothing' NATALIE. You're my husband, that's the job.
Yot-l re an ordinary Person. HENRY. I dont think that! supposed to be a job.
NATALIE. Maybe youre just failing to see how interesting I am? NATALIE. lWïth me? Are you serious? I'm twenry-five hours a
HENRY. No,I'm not' day, eight days a week. I'm the hardest job in (H, hisset her)
America" -
NATAI-IE. M"yb.I'm boring to you ...
HENRY" As a STORY. HENRY. That's my job.
NA'IALIE. .". 'cause youre boring and your understanding of NATÀLIE. I dont ïr'ant a divorce.
people is boring. HENRY. Why not?
ï-rgïqav. If àmething to rnanifest, trust rne
interesting were NATALIE. Too expensive.
purnpkin, I would be gÀosed" I'm on a vigil for that shit' HENRY. Sport of kings.
il{ATArm. No. You Leep things boring because that's how you NATALIE" Divorce"
like lt. HENRY. You were the first one to use the word.
HENRY. Okay. Àn<l how do I do that? NATALIE. Take it back.
NAIÀLIFI. Like with the checking account. Youre afraid to [:e HENRY- Is that allowed?
surprised by what I d do if it was a joint account' NATÀLIE. Make it up to you.
HENRY. Y"., ***t I dont want rhe excitement of ge*ing ripped offt HENRY How?

1<
24

.-"*--F
NATALIE. 'il{hatever you want. need the check. You can depend on thar. It's boring howyou can
HENRY. How'bout love? depend I'll be rhere every day. Not walk our. Shoí up with rhe
NATALIE. Thatt what I want, too. I don't want to be married by rnoney..You're right. I m the one makes this marriage boring. But
myself you'r9 *re one who needs for it to be boring. BecaJse you, ïf yorl
HENRY. Me neither. were left ro your tricks, you would desroy the world. thart who
NATALIE. I know. you are.
HENRY. But how do I get you? NATALIE. The worldi Vould that include,like, Ausralia?
NATALIE. I'm right here. HENRY You know whar I m alking about.
HENRY. Me too. NATAUE. ltrí'hat do you wanr from me?
NATÀLIE. §lhat's in the way? HENRY. Nothing.
HENRY. Us. NATALIE. I'm sorry
NATALIE. Henry, let's do it. Tell me what to do. HENRY. I cant want anyrhing from you. And why not? you got
HENRY. Tell me what you want. no mon€y left from your pay?
NATALIE. I need you to tell me what to do. NATALIE. I m still catching up the credit cards.
HENRY. §íhat do you want to do? HENRY. Good luck. Now why do you wanr a joint checking
NATALIE. Just tell me and I'lldo it. Ani'thing. account?
HENRY. \,MhAt? NATALIE. I jusr thought it would show respect.
NATALIE. Jesus!Youre killing the whole thing! HENRY. Don'r waste my fucking time! §(/hy do you want a ioint
HENRY. \flhy didnt you tell me? checking accounr? (She starts cryiig,) Vhatt this?'
NATALIE. \X/hy dont you know? |,I.\TALIE. I'm scared.
HENRY. Dont bother with me then! I was readin' rny book, HENRY That I believe. §7hy?
listenin' to my music! NATAUE. I dont wanna say.
NATALIE. Sucking your fucking thumb. HENRY. §íhy nor?
HENRY. That shitass attitude. NATALIE. You'll judge me.
NATALIE. It's just the truth. HENRY. Fuck that. I hate judges. Thatt not whar I do. I,n-r an
HENRY. Then I dont want the truth. adversarial man. Iïe got a point óf view and I take sides! Now why
NATALIE. Then talk to somebody else. are you scared?
HENRY. No! You! I'm talkiri to you. You drink you're smarter NATAUE. I saw somerhing that couldnt be.
than me. F{ENRY. Good for you.
NÀTALIE. No,I dont, Henry. NATALIE. You dont understand.
HENRY. tVell, youre not! "I can do the checkin' account!" If HENRY. Fine. You'll explain ir to me.
yotire so smart, why dont you have a checkin accounr I wanna be I saw a ghost! Okay? I saw a ghost.
joint with? Huh? I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm the thing that makes
IS4!|E,
HENRY §7'hat ghosti §7'hose ghosr?
this marriage work. Not you! NATAUE. Tommy.
NATALIE. Okay. HENRY (A pause.) §7here?
HENRY. I've always been the thing!Thatï why you married me. NATALIE. A coffee place. Middle of the day. I was with a friend.
Because I could make it happen for you. You would've just ... had She saw him, roo.
no life without me. No stability. I give you the check when you HENRY. A ghost.

26 27

__F
NATALIE. Yes.
HENRY. W'ell, how'bout that.
NATALIE. I know.
HENRY. That is some first-ciass sramp. That is a level of valida-
tion I didnt think I would ever get.
NATALIE. I guess it is.
HENRY. Say something to me.
NATÀLIE. I'm sorry.
HENRY. For what?
I.I,{TALIE. For not believing you when you told me you saw a
ghost.
Hr,NnY. You laughed in my face.
NATALIE. 'Wkll, of course I did. It seemed so ""
fqfNnV. Crazy.i krro*" \fe're rnarried, married, married' \X/hen's
the rrust kick inl'§(/'hen I see a ghost or when you see one?
NATALIE. All right. You've got a point'
I-{ENRY. My mother came back.
NATALIE. All right, I believe You-
HENRY. tt was Àe biggest moment in my life' It's the reason I'rn
not a junkie roday. Anà you laughed in my àce'
NATALIE" §0'ell ['m sorry
HENRY. §he came right through the wall, busted my stereo-s[to
rf*rf St * had a nurnb"er eight Irying pan in her right hand".She
,*id, "You stick that needle"in yort àt* again, sonny boy' and I'tl
iJ.yo,r. head offthe payroll!'; Looked n'e in the tyt" II was love'
It ** lor" made her corne back and save me' §flhat made Tommy
come back? Was it love?
NAIALIE. MoneY.
ffgNnV. (He starts taughing.) Money? \X/hat's Tomrny gonna do
with money? Hei dead!
NÀTALIE. I owe him rwenrF-seven hundred dollars'
HENRY. That's a very specific amount.
NATALIE. I borrowed it from him.
HENRY. §íhen?'§7hat for?
NATALIE. I bought my wedding dress with it'
HENRY. (This iops Henry.) I thought your father lgught you
riat? (Natatlie shahis her head-)You wint to Tommy? \Vhy would
you go to Tommy? §lhy didnt you come to me?
NATÀLIE. Oh Henry you were in the middle of struggling
yourselÍ
HENRY. You were through with Tommy! You broke his heart!
'§7hy
would you ask him for money?
NATALIE. He had ir.
HENRY. He clidnt have it anymore than I did. He was a.ianitor.
He didnt even have clean clothes. §lhy him and not me?
NATÀLIE. I cant piece it together now. It made sense at the time.
HENRY. I knew there was something.
N,{ALIE. I didnt even know I was gonna do it, I just did it.
HENRY. There's always been something. A missing piece.
NATÀ[-IE. This has nothing to do wirh us.
HENRY. This has everything to do with us!
NATALIE. No, this was before. This was Tommy. ï just wanted
revenge.
HENRY. Revenge for whatl You left him!
NATALIE" I fiought I was going to talk to him, but rhen I got
rnad at him a"nd tr asked him for monef to look good for you.
Twenry-seven hundred dollars. Ir was all the money he had. And
he gave it to rne. I thought he rvouldnr That's why I asked for it.
X thought rhat would be the break. But then he gave it to me.
HENRY. Did you fuck himi
NATALIE. Yes. It was before we were married.
HENRY. {He grabs his clothes.) I'rn not sleeping here tonight.
NATÀUE" Dont leave me alone.
HENRY. §lry nor?
NATALIE. I'm scared.
HENRY. You lcnow why youre scared?
NATALIE" He didnt love me.
HENRY. f)id you love him?
NATALIE. No.
HENRY. That's fucked up.
NATAUE. He reated me like an animal! He called me a whore!
Every time! Like I was norhing!
HENRY" Then why'd you keep going back?
NATALIE. He had a hold on me.
HENRY. He stilldoes.
NATALIE. He s dead!

28 29

".={qF
FIENRY. So what!You sdll want somerhing from him'
NATALIE. He degraded me and I wanted back at him!
HENRY. To an endless Point? Scene 3
NATALIE. To the fucking grave.
HENRY. Lootrc like you didn't stop there' Looks like you dug
him up. A scuffed, green metal àesk, diry, uenetian blinds, a couple of
chairs. A middb-aged guy in a cheap suit, Sidney, sits behind
NATALIE. 'Where you gonna sleeP?
the desk reading a book, chetaing gum. A hnoch.
HENRY. §(ho said I'm gonna sleeP?
NAT.ALIE. Look!There's no need to go' This thing " ' It's the past!
HENRY. The past is real.
NATALIE. §í'lrere You going? SIDNEY. Come ín. (Henry comes in. His clothes are wrinkleà. He
hasn't bathed.) Henry.
HENRY. Out to the world, mY love.
NATALIE. 'r)7'hat if he comei again? I dont want to be alone' I{ENRY Ay, Sidney. Busy?
(Henryï dressed.) SIDNEY. As it's you, no. (He
bears something.) Did you hear that?

HENifY. Hey, you're never alone' \?'e iust found that out' You sit HENRY. '$7hat?
here, you *"i1. ivtryU. I'll be back' Now here's a story come alive'
SIDNEY. Nothing. The goddamn hot water in this building, it's
riEht? \íhat's gonna happen next? I-er's rurn the page' (He exi*' a presence. Come on, sit down.
Sie cries. She síops' Sh, ,iichrs under the bed, grabs a small t'ox' takes HENRY. Thanks. Aiways with the book. '§?'hat are you readid now?
oat a joint, ,ni l;ghtt it. She tahes a cottple af hits' S\ qts aver to
SIDNEY. Casanoua.
the iD playex piïks a toase and puts it on the boont box' HENRY. The lover.
"p -C!, tbe riorru. Music starts p4y SIDNEY. That's right. How are you doing with dre Crirne and
Toro, ,f{ tb, trght, Str€*t;ght flood"s .n
mavbe'"Marcia'Ball sinsiír %nother Man's Voman'"" She takes Punishment?
oníthr hit on the joiw.Tti man, the ghast, Tbmmy' dlPea'.r§ bachlit [{ENRY. I'm marching *rrough it. Sornetimes it's good.
in the dnorway. She sees him. She is not surprised' Slnwly' she gx up' SIDNEY. It falls apart at the end. He goes to jail, his brain col-
{oes to bim. He meets her halfitay. Tltry begin to dance'
Drea!/ lapses, and he finds God. Youre a little disheveled.
brrr*j Then bc begins to stringle her. She ties to screöm' can't' He HENRY. Abit. (Indicating the booh.) So you're interested in lorrel
ïoart at l1€x) SIDNEY Oh yeah.
TOMMY" §ilhere's rny money, Nataliet! §f'here is it?! §í,here?! HENRY. '§írhat do you think of a guy like that? So many women?
Sirnal.tarseouiwusic s'ut- She sreatn* Ltghts up' plttirya SIDNEY. Good for him. He was a true believer. And when he
{Blackaut"
'Natalieï
in bed, aw,ahenin| from a nightmare. She starx sobbing) finally became cynical, which took him a long time to do, he did-
NATÀLíE. Oh Tcrnnry! Tornmy! (The lights fadc' Music' n't become cynical about the women. He became cynical about
*Tïme himself (He hears something again.)'What IS thar sound?
Somethi»g like \rnis T'kornas inging is on My Sidc" bcgins to
p{ay." Tlie ligh* faCe evËr sa slowly-) HENRY. I dont hear anphing.
SIDNEY. Youre luc§. Ir's a curse to be sensitive.
HENRY. How do you know if you've become cynical about
yourselfl
SIDNEY. I think it starts when you begin to notice your own
innocence.
. See Special Notc on Songs and Recordings on cop1rgk Page'

30 3t

-:<qqIF
HENRY. Have you had that experience? A-nd my first wife fiew on planes to fuck men. She would go vast
SIDNEY. Never. distances and miss meals to bang a busboy in Council Bluffs. It
HENRY. You're not so tough' was my fault. That was my job. And I didn't do it. I indulged in
SIDNEY. Please yourself I love being underestimated' rnoral luxury. I was a wifely husband. And that ain't the job.
HENRY. Are you suPerstitious? HENRY. \X/hat job?
SIDNEY. I wont walk under a ladder, but that's about the extent' SIDNEY Manhood.
HENRY. I may not be able to teli you this story then' HENRY. I don't think of manhood as a job.
SIDNEY. You're not baiting me, are you? SiDNEY. Itk a job. Done right, itt a tiring job. And women have
HENRY. No, no. I'm a little tired. a lot to do with what that job entails. Sure, women create. The
SIDNEY. Marital trouble? womb" \We all acknowledge the womb. But there's another side.
HENRY. How'd you know? And iCs not pretqF. Theret a Hindu deiry in India named Kali. The
SIDNEY. I'm a divorce lawyer' (TÍte phone rings. Sidnry picks it god of destruction. Itt a woman. She's got a bloody sword and a
up.)Yeah? Hold my calls. I'm with a potential clienr. (He hangs up appetite for decapitation. In the West, we cail her "The Dev<ruring
the phone.) Talk to me. Mother." Creation, destruction. Every woman has rhese two sides
'W'ait to her, and every rnan must deal with these two sides. Creation,
HENRY. a minute.
SIDNEY tJ(hat she do? destruction. You gotta orient a woman in such a way so as to be
HENRY. I'm not getting divorced. facing her creative parts. You want the creative parts. The destruc-
SIDNEY. Youre tight. i.tt stay away from the result. Let's look tive parts ... You want those to [re facing away. Towards a wall or an
at the cause ofyour anguish- enerny or something. §íomen consume, and rhey must be dire«ed
HENRY. I guess thatt the important thing. The core issue' what to consume, or they may identi§r you as lunch. Youïe gotta
Unfaithful, Sidney. She was unfaithful to me. point them. Like you would a bazooka. Like you would a chainsaw.
SIDNEY. Can you prove it? You don't hold a chainsaw by the chain. Let me pull it together
HENRY. I dont need to' aÍrother way. Monogamy is like a forry wart bulb. It works, but it's
SIDNEY. In this state you do. not enough. §7omen used to come with goats and textiles. §flhen
HENRY. Look. This is not a consultation" I'm just talking Ío you' they got upset, they worked on their textiles and they yelled ar their
SIDNEY. Forgive me. Old habim die hard. Had you set a precedent? goats. Now they look around, no goàts, no textiles. All there is is
HENRY. For what? some schmuck trying to read his newspaper. All right, all right, here
SIDNEY" '§7'ere you unfaithful to her? it is boiled down to nothing. Dont bet the àrm, Henry. That's what
HENRY. No" Never. I m trying to say. 'Cause if a woman smells that you're berting the
SIDNEY. W'ell, there's your problem' àrm on her, you're gonna lose the farm.
'What? HENRY. Maybe yoti've been at this job too long.
HENRY.
SIDNL,Y. Somebody had to do it. It's usually the man, but " ' Irs SIDNEY. I didnt learn this on the job. This is home truth.
physics. It's library science. The jobs will be filled, the roies will be HENRY. I can't get divorced again.
pUy*a (Hears tomething.) There it is again, but you doni hear it, SIDNEY. You dont have to get divorced. You know my wifè
,;gËri Fotg*, it. Take my wife I'm not gonna make rhe.ioke Marcia Marie, right?
-
hf,rrcia Màrie is totalïy, one thousand percenr faithful ro Íne'
- HENRY. Yeah.
HENRY. 5o do Í extrapolate from that that you fuck around? SIDNEY. \X/hat do you think of her?
SIDNEY" In n-r,v first marriage, never! Never! I was a paragon' HENRY She's lovely. She's very nice.

32 ati

_=.<r-lF
SIDNEY She's a bag of shit and I lrave to hold my nose to firck her'
HË,NRY. Sidney, we're talking about your wiíei
SIDNEY. And the mother of my children'
HENRY. You dont have children.
SIDNEY. Figure of speech.
HENRY. Làok, I know you're .. ' I admire you, Sidney, how
you've succeeded at work, the books- But I guess everyb<ldy falls
down ...
SIDNEY. Fortunately, I dont iook to Marcia Marie to pit my
peach.
HENRY. How did this become about your marriage?
SIDNEY. Iïe got another woman for that and she's better than a
quart of blood.
HENRY. So you do cheat.
SiDNEY. Itt how I passed the bar.
HËNRY. There's no way to cheat on the bar'
SIDNEY. I'11 choose not to correct you.
I-IENRY. Even if there is, I wouldnt want it. It woulcln't be right.
SIDNEY. Right? '/ou poor bastard, they've got you by ttre balls.
Right and *rJng, that'vthe corral they use to keep rhe cows out of
thà house. A man like you should know better. A man who came
from the depths. Henry we're lawyers.
'W'e do not traffic in right
and wrong. Come on. That's for chumps. That's for clients.
HENRY. I think Jusdce exists.
SIDNEY. Good for you. Meet me on Mount Sinai ... we'll do a
tWhat is moraliry?
dance. Answer me this, Moses.
HENRY. It's ... I know it when I see it.
SIDNEY. Very good. So do I. It's a franchise. Morality is a chain
restaurant. You go there because you know what you're Bonna get.
One burger. You dont have to think. You don't have to invent a
,.rpo.rt. to the unknown. It's a lot like being dead except- you're
.",ir,g. I had a vision about six months ago' It changed my life- I d
just lóst a case. A woman with three kids- One autistic. Her hus-
tand stole everything and I couldn't stop him because she was
moral and he wasn't. It got me down. I went walking on Jay Street.
I looked at the malformed people who actually inhabit this world.
And there among them I saw a broken old lady, derelict, starving,
blind, ignored, an outcast sitting on the sidewalk. And then,
34
awful, I realized I knew her. Henry her name was Justice.
Everybody just walked around her, pretended she didnt exist. But
I saw [rer. And I resolved, right there, on that srreet, looking ar that
lost wornan, that I was not going to be her. I was going to get wha.t
I need to survive. Irrespective of anybody else's idea of good or
right. Two days later, I was down at Borough Hall for a precon-
ference. This clerk was busting my chops and I went out for a
breather to the men's room. V/hen outta the ladies room came this
girl. And though I didnt know her, I recognized her. Like she was
wearing an identi$ing shackle. She had a limp. It was the sexiesr
thing Iïe ever seen.
HENRY. Look, Sidney, I was going to ask you for advice, but
youre funher out on the peninsula than me.
SIDNEY. You think you can get everything you need from one
woman?
HENRY. I dont know. §/hat is eveq,'thing?
SIDNEY. Good question! 'W'hat's inside you?'§íhat's the scope of
Henry? \Wtrat do you include? Think about it.
HENRY. I am thinking, but what are you doing, man? It sounds
to me like you got burned by your first wife, so then you just chose
to be a clown or something.
SIDNEY. I am not a clown.
HENRY. I just mean it seems like yorire making Fun of your own
heart. Out of this pain. Like smiling despair or words like that.
SIDNEY. I'm not in despair. I'm not going to kill mysel[ So what,
life is not this pretty thing. I still want it. I want to live. You've seen
what passes through this ofiice. You know whatt left of love when
life is done with it. Bones. §[e dont have to fear the whirlwind,
Henry we ARE the whirlwind. Now you can go with that, or you
can succumb. I've made my choice. I lie. i stea]. I cheat. Iïe cho-
sen life. And I am having a very good time. Marcia Marie and me:
It was us. \W'e were living in a TV show. A pilot that wasnr gonna
get picked up. I was playing a part. I sdll play it, but now I know
it's just a mask, not the real me at all.
HENRY. But then what are you doing?'i0hy are you still married?
SIDNEY. I'll tell you why! Revenge!
HENRY. For whati
SIDNEY All that time I towed in the line! Retribution requires a
35
 recipienr. I need Marcia Marie ro lie to, steal írorn, chear on! At
this. poinr, that's what Marcia Marie is for. she *"r.-, li *r-"g.
y_r:l{ql
h,rrne and kis.s drar íar pink ass of empry virrue, nry wife.

Ànd wrong is right. ryENRL But your wilà is skinny"

SIDNEY. But i rhink of her as far. Despic*rrle! I was a despicabre
HENRY. §flrong is right.
man! I did much harm. But no rnore. È..rrrru now wFlen a rna-n
SIDNËY- Dont repeat me ro me. Maybe once in your life youie
or womàn comes in my office and sits here and tells rne sheir
supposed to do something hard. some fork in ihe road. your soui-
dreams have come to nothing, I have somerhing to givc ,h**- i
fl]i"g contribution' But the rest of the rime, to cafl a duck a duck, have hope.
iife is a very dirry parry.
HENRY. I dont wanr revenge. I just wanr my wife.
HENRY. You're talking too much to be risht.
SIDNBI: V'ake up. You goryoui wife. Thatt the problern. She's
SIDNEY I m talking about rhe thing in jl peopl. thar you ma,r, rhere. (The phaSe
call evil that.has just as much-right ,o J*pr.r.ió., ,. *rrythi'g
Eicuie me. (He anstacrs thi phoor.SWh^i
else iir do I pay.you for?-rr1fs.)
To not lisren? Oh. All rígbt. (pàuse. He tarns
you! Im
latking about not fling on yïrrr deathb.j.hoËrg o, in a aoice too lnw n bc heard.íyes?'yes, rhar's righl
emotioaal pus beca,u,se you didn,ioncespeak. Am I talking aËout !!!l a.nd speaks
§iih,1.do yotl want ro k1"yi I see. This happened ...."ntyf fiï*.'.s
'Who cares?!
evil? 'i[hy did I give yoi Cri*, and punïshment, rerrible. §V'ell no, I donr think I do. Realtyi Bur l,rn ,,rr* I,* ,ro,
I-Ienry? \ilrhat is conscience? I think ít's loneliness (He is
" surprised the only course. Of course. yeah. \izould yo" *i"a, il h
n1o._Gets them undrr -one" -Of
? .control.) Sociery banishes the man who
lives by his own right and wrong. MavbÉ I do want to
the middle of business. Yeah. (He hangs up th, pionr, sia aruietlv a
be under_ llng mo.meyt, peareful. Thy he rcro" thi ptoí, o6 ** ;i;i ;.;
stood. Maybe because you'u. i,u*Él.d o., ro some kind of
yh-r1ws it uiolzntly against the wall.) God!Jeius! Whïr rhe fuckl
hypocrisy in your marringl,,foy,*"y be open to undersrandirrg
m.. HENRY. 'What the hell are you doing?!
And rhis thing of minevith this girl. This girl, an the black scum
SIDNEY. That girl. The girl wirh rhe-limp. she shot herselfl she
of my long beleaguered heart, she Ë"m. I ."rr,ï r.il yo., *h"t
i.,," ,"iJ named me in a ,rote, then she shor'herself (sidnev breaks
to her, done to her. The literaily most horribl. thíng, I "nà Oh
of! And she comes back for moie. Shes grateful.
could think doun. He.nry comforts him.) my God, did I jo ,hií A; l
Goï bl.rs her. yes, responsible?
I mention God! Because it is like a miàcre. §fe found .*ch other. HENRY. Shh. Shh. Thke it easy. Take it easy now.
she's sweet, shet like a kid. she was sad about this
pi., uh. loot. i SIDNE\'. And I denied I knew her.
!9ught her another one. \7hen I give it to her, it wiilLake h.. d"y. r HENRY. Thart reflex.
{l!!7g tas ah1n out an alligator}in. Shou,s ii to Henry) :SIDNEY. I gave her the gun!
HENRY. Is that an alligator? 1§;dnry throws it on hii desh.) HENRY. You did?
SIDNEY. Sorne fuckin' reptile. Do you know why I went into SIDNIY: It was supposed to protect her. (lVe hear a pronoanced
matrimonial law? ,!_yf?a/-P" you hear it now? Do you hear that thing now?
IJENRY. The money? HENRY. Yeah.'§7har is that? (Ànother thamp. Uoïrfied, Sidnel
SIDNEY. I)on't be an idiot! Ir's never about moneylyOU MLAN
YOU REALLY DON'T HEAR THAI SOUND?I I went into
realizcs u,,hat it is.)
SIDNEY. h:: limp! ks
Celesre! ft,s her limplJesus, shet com_
matrimonial law to do for others what i didn,t have ,t . .o".*g.
ià ing tor mel
.Ii:
(suddenly,
cebste rises out of the bed'in- the corner. she is
dg
Fr my1elf. Sever the. convenrional bond. I was the -out iy.ri- drused in white. Thereï a bbodsain. She poinx at Sidney, utho
cal bastard in the world' 'cause I knew there was no goes
o
rove to be
had. All the bitter disappoinrmenr of my marriage bed,
I turned *:r-y*fr:r, plastering himself againrt'th, oppor;t, *itt.S
CELESTE. Sidney.
on the spouses of my ciients. That bitchrth"r brJn.dr And
then I SIDNEY. I'm sorry Celeste! I'm sorry! I,m sorry!

36
37
CELESTE. Listen to me. MARCIA MARIE. i didnt call you.
SIDNEY. That I degraded you to this poinr of destruction! SIDNEY. I didnt say you did.
CELESTE. I've come to tell you ... MARCIA MARIE. You cant accuse me of hounding you.
SIDNEY. §(/hat can I do to make it right?l (Celesfi raises both her SIDNEY. I'm not.
hands in supp lication. ) MARCIA MAzuE. I never call except when I have no choice. itt
CELESTE. It was not your fault. You were the good part of my life. not like the old days when I used to rnake what you called point-
SIDNEY. But then why did you do it? §Crhy? (Cehste u,heek on less calls. Distracting you from the great work.
Henry points an accusingf.nger, and sals:) SIDNEY. Look. This is a tough day for me. Could you lay offi
CELESTE. ASKYOUR\nFE! (Blackout. Something lihe Charley MÀRCLA MAzuE. Well, this is a tough day for me, too. Maybeyou
Musselwhite singtng "Baby, WillYou Phase Help Me" hicks in.*) want to go out for a walk till its the time you usually come home?
SIDNE11 No. [f you want somebody to go out, why dont you
go out?
MARCIA MAzuE. Me? I'm not going anl,where. I m wiped.
Scene 4 SIDNEY. §7iped from what?
MARCIA MAzuE. It's tiring for me when you're here.
SIDNEY. I'm here every morning and every night.
A kitchen tabh, sun corning in strikes it. Sidnry is sitting at MARCIÀ MARIE. Not every night.
the table. Marcia Maríe, who wears sexless, nent clothes, is SIDNEY. Most nights.
mabing coffee in a Mr. Coffee machine. She ltdsn't becn MARCIA MARIE. So you can imagine how tired I arn.
happy for a hng time. À silence hangs oaer them. SIDNËY. '§0'ell, this is rny home. This is where I can go.
MARCIA MARIE. You have the office"
SIDNEY. Yes, I have an office and then I corne home. Those are
MARCIA MARIE. I have a confession. I m disappointed youie the rwo poles of my universe.
home. I like this dme for myself MARCIA MAzuE. §?'ell, I only have one pole, this is it, and I
SIDNEY. Aaa. There was an incident at work. deserve time alone. You make me neryous.
'§7hat?
MARCIÀ MARIE. SIDNEY. You mean just by being alive?
SIDNEY. I dont know. MARCIA MARIE. During the day. In my kitchen. Yes. So ['m
MARCLA MARIE. Did you get fired? making coffee. Do you want some or not?
SIDNEY. No. Nobody's gonna fire me, Marcia Marie. i'm a very SIDNEY. §flont cofhe make you more nervousl
successful man. MARCIA MAzuE. At this point, I dont think so. I'm too wiped.
MARCIA MARIE. Did I say different? SIDNEY. But from what?!
SIDNEY. Something. MARCIA MÀRIE. You. Your aura. Theret only so much of your
MARCIA MARIE. I saw a pair of pants today that were v€ry you. aura I can take.
I'll tell you where they are. You should go and look at them. SIDNEY. W'ell, back at ya.
SIDNEY. I can dress myself. MÀRCIA MARIE. Bur I didnr come ro your office" You came ro
MARCIA MARIE. Did I say different? my kitchen.
SIDNEY. There was a phone call. There was a phone call at work. SIDNEY. And did what?
*
MARCIA MARIE. Dont I deserve anlthing?
See Spccial Notc on Songs and Recordings on copyright pagc.

38 39
 SIDNEY. You know, I hate. to smack your pinau, but dris is my
SIDNEY. About what?
kitchen, too. I paid for rhis kitchen.
NiÍARCIA MARIE. Big picture? Goods and services.
MARCIA MARIE. I paid for this kitchen.
SIDNEY. You know, you could long and ache and pine for other
SIDNEY. \7ith what?
things besides goods and services.
MARCIA MÀRIE. My ass.
MARCIA MARIE. Oh but no. You have limited me to drearning
SIDNEY. It's our apaÍrmenr.
about goods and services, God help me.
MARCIA MARIE. I deserve a room.
SIDNEY. You dont need God. You need a concierge'
SIDNEY. You have your ovín bathroom.
MARCIA MAzuE. I need my soul.
MARCfA MÀRIE. Are you trying to drive me into rhe bathroom
SIDNEY. Dont look at me.
now?
MARCIA MAzuE. I am looking at you. I'm like a check you
SIDNEY. I'm not trying to drive you anywhere. you're rrying to
never endorsed.
drive me our of my own aparrm€nt"
SIDNEY. §flhy should it be up to me to cash you?
MARCTA MARIE. During the day.
MARCIA MARIE. An undeposited check, at a certain point, the
SIDNEY. Dap night, whatk rhe difference?
bank doesnt honor it anymore. And when the bank doesnt honor
MARCIA MARIE. You dont know the difference berween «rav
you, honey, and you're a check, well, that's bleak,
and night?
SIDNEY. Look. You might as well know. I ve had a big shock.
SIDNEY. À.M., p.M., shelter is shelter.
Never mind about what. But I m not doing too terrific. Ï'm hav-
MARCIA MARIE. (To an audience member) I'm sorry ing some suicidal ideas.
§IDNEY. (To another audience member.) pardon me. ' MARCIA MAzuE. tr have suicidal ideas.
MARCIA MAzuE. Pressure.
SIDNEY. Are you gonna vie with me now for the right to be
SIDNEY Gas Bag.
suicidal?
MÀRCIA MARIE. Iïe made peace with rhe idea of part of you
MARCIA MARIE. I'm going to defend myself.
part of the time.
SIDNEY. Against what?
SIDNEY" I've made concessions, too.
MARCIA MARIE. Your feelings. Your emotional supremacy.
MARCIA MAR'IE. Are you looking for further concessions from
SIDNEY. Thatt just me talking. I dont wanna rule over you. I
me?
Y/ant iÍ not to matter what I do.
SIDNEY. I've come to recognize t}e need for some form of end
MARCIA MAzuE. \íell, it does matter. (A retening. He *ras
!ffgu_and beginning ofothèr things, okay? autay thinks about it, and fnally giaes her the small gif box with the
MARCIA MARIE" §7hy wont you give me what I want?
alligator pin.)
SIDNEY. And what is that?
SIDNEY. l.ook. Here.
MARCIA MARIE. Space.
MARCIA MARIE. Vhatt this?
SIDNEY. Are there definite limits to rhe amount ofspace you need?
SIDNEY. A present.
MARCIA MARIE. I have none.
MARCIA MARIE. A pin.
§IDNEY. 'ïíhar are we talking about?! rVhat about rhe ...
SIDNEY. It's nothing. trt's an alligator.
MARCIA MARIE. I nothing. I'm irrelevant. And you MARCIA MARIE" Vhite enamel. It goes with everything I have.
.have
remind me" And I cani be reminded íl th. dme. I need breall.
SIDNEY. Dont make a big thing, put it away.
SIDNEY. To do what?
MARCIA MARIE. It's et'quisite.
MARCIA MARIE. Daydream.
SIDNEY. It's just costume jewelry. A liale doo-dad.

40 4r
Iv{ARCIA MARIE. You thought of me. MARCIA MARIE. Very.
SIDNEY. I dont know what I was thinking about. SIDNEY. I didn't know thar
MARCIA MARIE. You were out. MARCIA MARIE. How else can I explain my by
SIDNEY. (Ouerlaps.) Put it away! thinking that I suffer under a curse of your causing.
MARCIA MAzuE. You thought of me. SIDNEY. But why me?! What did I do?
§IDNEY, (Oaerkps.) Put it awaY! MARCIA MAzuE. You destroy marriages for a living.
'Whereas
MARCIA MAzuE. You went into a store - SIDNEY. you do it graruitously. Youre the inspiration
SIDNEY. (Cutting her off) Forget it. for my work, Marcia Marie. I see myself as saving people. I see
MARCIA MARIE. Thank you. myself as goddamn Robin Hood!
SIDNEY. It's nothing. Forget it. (Tbuched by her perception of a MARCIA MARIE. Robin Hood was a glorified thug. As are you.
tender gesture, she throtas herself at Sidney. He tries to get a.ua!-) SIDNEY. I perform a service.
MARCIA MAzuE. Let's go on a trip. Let's go on a trip. MARCIA MARIE. So do I.
SIDNEY. (Ouerkps.) Get your hands off me. SIDNEY. 'W'hat?
MARCIA MARIE. Please! Please! Please! MARCIA MARIE. I keep you offthe market.
SIDNEY. Get your hands off me! Dont rnake a big thing I said' SIDNEY. So you're containing me.
(Sud.funly, a sexual moment. He grabs her lustfully. Violent grinding. MARCIA MARIE. Yes.
She moans. Bat he panics, tears fee") This is why I wanna kill myself SIDNEY. And I'm containing you"
Youre a trap! I
feel a move of my hand could topple your world. MARCIA MARIE. Containing and You're in my
MARCA MARIE. Thatt right. And that's a responsibiliry. kitchen now. In the daytime.
SIDNEY. Vell,I reject that responsibiliry! In order for me to §ave SIDNEY. Each of us in a smaller and smaller bottle.
you, I have to kili me! And I rvanna live! I wanna live' All right. MARCIA MARIE. No, youte free.
['m gonna take the steps necessary to stop having t]rese dark ideas. SIDNEY. But rhat's not what you said before. That's a conradiction.
I want a divorce. MARCIA MAzuE. '§íhat, are you trying to catch me up?
MARCIAMARIE. And that's not going to happen. Do you want SIDNEY. I'm trying to understand.
coffee? MARCIA MARIE. No.
SIDNEY. Can I ask you? §7hat is this? I mean, oYer time?'W'hat SIDNEY You won't let me understand.
are we doing? MARCIA MARIE. You understand. But I'm not going to help you.
MARCIA MARIE. Big picture?'§7e've been killing each other- SIDNEY. Vhy not? (She goes for the coffee in tfu pantry.)
SIDNEY. But why? §íhy would we do that? MARCIA MARIE. I have more reasons than rhere are fish in the sea.
M.ARCIA MARIE. No guts,I guess. SIDNEY. Name one.
SIDNEY. For what? MARCIA MARIE. You know.
MARCIA MAzuE. Freedom. SIDNEY. No, I do not know.
SIDNEY. V/hat would you know about freedom? MARCIA MARIE. You have been having an aÍhir.
MARCIA MARIE. (She feigns a limp to mahe her point.) Oh boy, SIDNEY. No,I havent.
a slave in her shackles knows about freedom! MARCIA MARIE. (,* she pours hot coffee on his hand.) And you re
SIDNEY. Dont do that. Dont do that. a liar (He yips and jumps auay.)

MARCIA MARIE. §íhy not? SIDNEY. I don't rryanna do this.

SIDNEY. Are you superstitious? MARCIA MARIË. Vhat?

42 43

--flF
I
SIDNË,Y. Actually mlk to You. sex with you, Sidney. You ieave your body, I abandon mine, what's
N4AttClA MAzuE. No, you don't. left fucks.
SïDNH,Y. Or if I do want to talk, this is not the topic. Or even if SIDNEY. W"ell, I hope those faceless homunculi have fun.
this is the topic, I cant let yrru poison the last well I have to drink §(hoever they are.
from. I'm gonna save myself. MARCTA MARIE. I have sex with a zombie.
MARCIA tra,qrun. And you think i'm fat. SIDNEY" That's nothing. I have sex with deathl
'§?'hat MARCIA MARIE. So you're dead. Lie down.
SïDNEY. are you talking about?! You're skinny!
MARCIA MARIE. '§?'hat are YOU talking about? I'm fat! I'm SIDNEY. I didnt say I was dead, I said I have sex with death.
shaking with fad MARCIA 1víARIE. \Vho is she?
SIDNÉY. Youre a rail, you're a stick, yodre practically gaunt! SIDNEY. You.
MARCIA MAzuE. But you think oËme as fat, dont you! MARCIA &4ARIE. Easy. Glib. Prick. Just rernember. It's not my
SIDNEY. §fho said that? No! fault how you feel about who you turned out to be. A flop.
MARCIA MARIE. Then why dont you fuck me? SIDNEY. My life hasnt reached the point of verdict.
SIDNEY. ïíhat are you talking about? I do fuck you. MARCIA MAzuE. Your liÍè isnt on trial, Sidney. Theret nothing
MARCIA MARIE. No, You don't. to argre about. Theres nothing to rule on. You have no case.
SIDNEY. This is surreal. Youre a flop.
MARCIA MÀRIE. Youve changed the order of things. That's SIDNEY. You dont get to say.
what men do. They rearrange the truth. MARCIA MÀHE. 'ffho knows you better than me?
SIDNEY.
'§V'hereas
you dont even bother with it. SIDNEY. You dont know me.
N{ARCIA MARIE. I am all about the ruth. MARCIA ÀIARIE. Ail I know is you.
SIDNEY. No. You are all about cruelty. Every piece of toast in SIDNEY. No. The problem is you think I'm you and you detest
your breadbasket is buttered with cruelry' yourself,
MetCn MARIE. lbu want some toast? -Ï could make some. MARCIA MARIE. No, I know who I detest and I know why I
SIDNEY. Are you serious? detest him. I just cant believe I married him, that's all! I just cant
MARCIA MARIE. Yeah. believe I'm here!
SíDNEY Jesus. Domesticity. SIDNEY. I cant believe I'm here, either! Itt implausible that I'm
MARCIA MARIE. You want some toast or not? here!
SIDNEY. No, I dont want any fucking toastlAnd you wear those MARCIA MARIE. k's funnl
goddamn ugly clothes! SIDNEY Ha. Ha. But why are you here if you dont wanna be
tUenCn MARIE. §í'hat's the matter with my clothes? here?!
SIDNEY. They say you're married- MARCIA MARIE. To make sure you dont get away with it.
MARCIA MAzuE. I am married. SIDNEY. '§flith what?
SIDNEY. Those clothes say you fuck by the numbers. MARCIA MARIE. No more. Nofiing more to say.
MARCIA MARIE. But I dont fuck by the numbers 'cause you SIDNEY. There are people ... There is a woman ... There W'AS
a woman, who loved me.
dont fuck me.
SIDNEY. \íhat are you talkin about? §l'e fuck two-point-eight MARCIA MARIE. So. Finally. There it is. You admit it.
times a week. SIDNEY, Yes. Ail right. I admit it. I admit the dirry secret that
MARCIA MARIE. And you say I'm by the numbers. I dont have somebody loved me, yes.

44 45
MARCIA MARIE. §7ho? MARCIA MARIE. Did you?
SIDNEY Never mind, itt not important. Shet gone. She's out of SIDNEY. No!
the picture. But without her, the good news is, you become impos- MARCTA MARIE. You may need me. The credibiliry I bring. Or
sible to bear. just my brain. I'll do that for you. But what was her name?
MARCIA MARIE. §ího was she? SIDNEY. I feel like if I tell you her name ... Maybe this is that
SIDNEY. §7"hat do you care? fork in the road for me. The one dme I'm supposed to do some-
MARCIA MARIE. §fho was she? thing hard. Or I'll be damned.
SIDNEY. I'm not telliri you her name. MARCIA MARIE. I'm damned. \X/hy shouldnt you be? You stole
MARCIA MARIE. 'Who was she? my soul.
SIDNEY. She's gone. SIDNEY. Go ahead. Frisk me! I dont have it. I dont have your
'§l'ell, soul. Youïe ransacked me looking for it. You wrecked me.
MARCTA MARIE. She ditched you. of course. Sooner or
later, they all wake up. MARCIA MAzuE. I was lonely.
SIDNEY. Not exactly. She's dead' SIDNEY. You were lonely when I met you.
MARCIA MARIE. She killed herself. MARCIA MARIE. Marriage is supposed to end that.
SIDNEY. How'd you know that? SIDNEY. You were misinformed about the nature oftle institution.
MARCIA MARIE. Thatt why you $/ere thinking about suicide. MARCIA MAzuE. You never gave me a chance. \Vho was she?
Figures. You're so suggesdble. SIDNEY. I should respect this thing she did.
SIDNEY. No, it doesn't figure! It's a tragedyl MARCIA MARIE. Blowing her brains out?
MARCIA MARIE. Tiagedy is when you fall from a height. Not SIDNEY. No, something else. M*È. this is that fork in the road
when a home wrecker hangs herselfl for me I shouldnt betray her name. MrÉ. you're right. Maybe
SIDNEY. She didnt hang herselfl this marriage is my doing. If it is, I'm sorry. Maybe I just didni
MARCIA MANE. But she was a home wrecker. How did she do have enough love to conquer all.
-ffhat did she do? Pills? MARCIAMARIE. You never gave me a chance. You shut me out.
it? Jump offa building? No. Tàkes guts to
jump. Or did she shoot herselft SIDNEY. No.
SIDNEY. Are you a fucking witch? MARCIA MAzuE. You shut me out. Because your first wife was
MARCIA irleruf. No. Youre the spiritual one. You and your untrue. You showed up in my life a light-hearted looking man. But
books. You left me nothing but the flesh. your smile and your easiness carne out of despair. I didnt under-
SIDNEY. I'm not talking about this with you anymore. stand that.
MARCIA MARIE. So she shot herself. Did she leave a note? Did SIDNEY. But I couldve melted. You could've melted me. Like
she name you in the note? Sidney? the sun melm the snow.
SIDNEY. I'm not talking. MARCIA MARIE. I'm just a woman, Sidney. I'm not Spring.
MARCIA MARIE. Are you in trouble? SIDNEY. I've been afraid of you for so long.
SIDNEY. Potentially. I gave her ... I had given her a gun. MARCIA MÀRIE. \Vhy would you be scared of me?
MARCIA MARIE. You stupid ass. §lhere did you get a gun? SIDNEY. I don't know.
SIDNEY. Some creep. A domestic violence dispute. I dont think MARCIA MAzuE. (She suddenly explodrs.)Who was she?!Tell me
it's traceable to me. her fucking name!
MARCIA MARIE. You didnt kill her, did you? SIDNEY. No, I won't! It's mine! She loved me! I cant let you
SIDNEY. No. touch it!

46 47
- ------------T

MARCIA MARIE. You know I'll find oud If I cant have a room, breast.)
nejther can yo1! I'll just hammer away atyou until you give it upi MARCIA MARIE. If you walk out that door, Iim shoving
I'll get ar it and I'll piss on it! rhis
right through my heart. And you can explain rwo dead
ngnr.ffirough
SIDNEY. I'm leaving you! womin in
MARCTA MARIE. Youie not going anywhere!you gave me a pin.
2i:!?l:§iley hesitates, ani tben giues tt op.)
SIDNEY. Celeste. Her name was-Celeste. I bousht the oin for
SIDNEY. Forg* rhe pin. Some good's Botra come àf thirt
MARCIA MARIE. Of what?!
her..(Sidney exits, slamming the door behind t ;*.-ïti;;;":i-;;;;
y,:!_rh: hnife. She ylts at lhe chsed door.)
SIDNEY. Her sacrifice. MARCLA MARIE. I want all the money! AII
MARCIA MARIE. You talk about her sacrifice to me? I sold my of itl (She lnoks at
herself in the hnife blade and recoib with L,rrg"irAil My mother!
ass for a kitchen! (Bkchout.)
SIDNEY. But why did you do thati
MARCIA MARIE. I didnt think I could do berer.
SIDNEY. And you dont even have clear title to the kitchen.
MARCIA MAzuE. In the eyes of God, this is my kitchen. In the Sccne 5
eyes of God, you are my huiband.
SIDNEY You are a materialisr. Materialisrs go mad. They break
theirpossessions ro prove that they own the.ri. I,- going io leave Ljgbts.up. Natalieï sixing in Henryï chair, sleepins.
Daytime.
you, I\ going to temple, and then I m going to the fofic"e. I wont
let you kill anymore. She used ,o ,ry rÉ. .Iuld ,*àl murder on
The daor opens. Irï.Henry, He coie, in *;rn
,'pift ai; i"g.
Naalie starts auahe and blurts out.
me. I knew what she was smelling vyas you.
MARCIA MARIE. (She grabs a butcher hnife fiom a draruer)
You're staying here. \Wirh me. ïll death. Tdat's the vow! ,And NATALIE. Tommy?
you're gonna keep it! HENRY. Tommyhuh?
SIDNEY. Put down that knifel NATALIE. Henry.
MARCIA MARIE. You think you can humiliate mei Disappointed? (She rushes to him.)
SIDNEY. Get a hold of yourselfl ïP§lï
NATALIE. Oh no! \X/hat a night I ve had!
MARCIA MARIE. I'll do it! I'll do id I'll do it! (She lungesfor him HENRY. I hear ya.
thye. tiyu. Heï, gotten hold af her knife arm. She klchs"ai his lry NATAUE. \Jí.hatt in the bag?
uthile she strugles. Sidney is crying ani terrified.) ' HENRY. Coffee.
_SIDNIY Stop! Stop!'§7hat are you doing? NATAUE. I could have made you coffee.
MARCIA MARIE. You're not going to hér! HENRY. You could have closid rhe fronr door, but you left
SIDNEY. She's dead! ir
open again.
MARCTA MARIE. You think I wanted to have rhis be my life? I. NATAUE. He came back.
Want. Happinessl (He gets the hnife, She tries to smack him, but she,s HENRY. \)í[ro?
too weak nou. Heï panting.) NATALIE. Tommy. He tried to kill me. Look at my neck!
SIDNEY. _Th-e
pursuit of happiness doesni look like this- {He HENRY. I dont sée anything. (Sh, *i;;; a mirron loohs
tltrows at her
.the^kni/à
o.n the table.) I;À leaving you. (He goes to the àor, nech, finds rzothing.)
opers it. She picks a? the hnife. She poísi, it to ,tib herself in the NATALIE. You dont? I couldnt breathe!

48 49
HENRY. Can you breathe now? HENRY. How do you mean?
NATAUE. Yeah. NATALIE. To give the money back.
HENRY. Just a panic attack. HENRY. Burn it.
NATALIE. He was here! NATALIE. Burn twenry-seven hundred dollars?
HENRY. I believe you. Iis not that. HENRY. Yeah.
NATALIE. 'Vhat have you been doing when you were out? NATALIE. '§7ould that work?
HENRY. I saw Sidney. \7e had a talk. You know, I dont want to HENRY. Fuck if I know.
be Sidney. (He goes to the CD player) Secret music again' NATALIE. I think you should put it back in the bank.
NATALIE. You seem strange. HENRY. That's not one of these three envelopes. That's u§, no
HENRY. Do I? (He pulb out three enuelopes and tbrows them on the joint checking, married, with you in debt to a dead guy. I walked
bed.)Let's get to it. I put together these three envelopes. You may out on that deal last night.
wanna open this one. NATALIE. But he's dead. It's too late to pay him back.
NATALIE. §7hat is it? HENRY. Tell him that.
HENRY. Twenty-seven hundred dollars. NATALIE. W'ell, I dont want to be out twenty-seven hundred
NATALIE. Thanks. dollars.
HENRY. Now you may wanna take that, and you may not. If you HENRY. Okay. So you want a divorce.
take it, you're in debt to me. Thatt one way to go. NATALIE. I didnt say that!
NATALIE. I could pay off my credit cards with this. HENRY. I'm not going to be married like this anymore. I'm not
HENRY. \7hat about your dead boyTommy? Gotta pay him back. going to be married to a woman who's only half here.
NATALIE. I know. I'm just saying. NATALIE. I'm here.
HENRY. Or you dont have to take the money from me. You HENRY. Yeah, but you keep forgettin' to close the door.
could take the second envelope. NATALIE. §7hatt your point?
NATALIE. §(hat's that one? HENRY.'What aboutTommy?
HENRY. An application for a joint checking account. NATALIE. He's dead. Thatt the truth of it.
NATALIE. Really? HENRY. The truth, huh?
HENRY. Yeah. Then it would be our money. You could make a NATALIE. Thatt right.
withdrawal. You wouldnt be in debt to anybody. You could go HENRY. I know you, Natalie. I know what you do in the name
that way. of the truth.
NATALIE. \Vhat's in the third envelope? NATALIE. §7hat?
HENRY. That? That's an action for a divorce. HENRY. Serve yourself
NATALIE. A divorce? NATALIE. The truth is what it is.
HENRY. Ifyou choose that envelope, then we divide up our a§sets, HENRY. §7hat about Jusdce?
and what you do is not longer my business. So. Natalie. Vhat's it NATALIE. 'What about it?
gonna be? \Vhich envelope? (She loohs in the minor again._) HENRY. \,Vhich side you on?
NAfaI-m,. I cant believe theret no mark! It seemed so real! NATAUE. My side.
M"È. youre right. MrÉ. it was,iust anxiety. HENRY. You know what I think? Theret two kinds of people.
HENRY. \Vhatt it gonna be? The divorce, tle account, or the cash? The ones that seek, and the ones thet hide.
NATALIE. §0'ell, theret a logistical problem, isn't there? NATALIE. (Ouerbps.) I'm not hiding from anything.

50 5l
HENRY. But Justice finds you, you know? Thatk what Crime and NATALIE. Yes I am.
Punishmenls about. You do shit, the clock starts ticking. HENRY.'ilíhat about Tommy?
NATALIE. Dont talk to me like you're an adult and I m not. I tell NATALIE. §7hat about him?
the truth and I pay the pricelThere should be more people like me. HENRY. Youïe been carrying a torch for this dead guy.
HENRY. There's plenry of people like you. NATALIE. No!
NATALIE. Bullshitl Most people lie! HENRY. Keepin his dead ass alive.
HENRY. You tahe care of yor.rrself at the expense of everybody NATALIE. Bull!
else and call it honesty! If rhat's the truth, then I hate the trurh. HENRY. Secret music.
That truth has no heart. Ir's ignorant, itt vicious. It's not the NATALIE. Big deal.
human part of people. Now I presented you with three envelopes HENRY. Steppin out on me widr fuckin Frankenstein"
and I'm askin you to choose. NATAUE. You're nuts!
NATALIE. Yodre not asking me!You're a bul$ Youre the inhuman HENRY. Let him go.
onelAnd you know what I say? I say fuck you and fuck your little NATALIE. He's dead-
envelopes. Your linle envelopes give rne a pain in my ass. You've done HENRY. He's here.
nothing always but conrol me and dominate me wi*r thar checking NATALIE. Het dead.
account number and now you're laying out my future like three doors HENRY. He's here.
on a game show, and thar's ióuman to me! You push me around, NATALIE. (She hardtns.) I didnt see a ghost. (A manï ann,
Henry. And it's not respectfirl! I have deuoted myself to you and Tbmrryï, smasbes throagh the daor and grabs Natalie by the throat.
revolved around you and I will not be given choices fiat I have ro She screams") Oh my God!
choose from. You are a making a crisis when theres nothing wrong! HENRY. (Sirnultaneous.) Ho! There he is. There's the deadmeat
HENRY These envelopes, which I cooked up in my fear and my motherfucker himself!
loneliness as a way of deding with you may be as clumsy and crude NATÀLIE. Help!
as me, but you will not ignore them. You gor one foot in and one HENRY. Let her go!
foot out. You can talk till you re blue . Things can t say like they are. NATALIE. Help!
NATALIE. You scared me to death with those divorce papers! HENRY. Let her go!
HENRY. I'rn presentin'you with choices I can live with. NATAUE. Help!
NATAUE. If you can live with divorce, then YOU'VE got one HENRY. I command you to let her go!
foot out. Your first wife ripped you off and I've been payin in NATAUE. Het not listening to you!
blood ever since. Youve never trusted md HENRY. Obstinate fucking zombie voodoo motherfuckerl Let!
HENRY. And I was right. You were lying from the getgo. Her! Go! (He pulk her fee of the hand. Thhes her n f"* fru away.)
NATALIE. 'Cause I knew you wouldnr understand. NATAUE. I'm fine,I'm fine, I'm fine. Let me go! (Henry bts ber
HENRY. \Vhat's to undersrand? Your wedding dress? go. She flies bacbutard, as if against her will, until Tbmmyï hand is
NATALIE. That was before we were married. again around her nech.) HËLP!
HENRY. '§7'ell, weie married now. HENRY. I cant save you. You don't waÍrt to be saved.
NATALIE. Are we? NATAUE. Yes I do!
HENRY. I'm here. HENRY. Say theret a ghost!
NATALIE. lWell, I'm here too. NATALIE. Okay, the.eï a ghost. (The ghost nleases her.) What
HENRY. No you're not" does he want from me?

52 53

I
HENRY. §7hat do you think he wants? He wants the money' HENRY. I dont know.
NATALIE. Nol (Íhe ghost force pulb her bach inn the strangk NATALIE. Me neither.
'§0bnna
arain. She soeams.) HENRY. find out?
ÈeNny. The past isnt done with dll you PAY! NATALIE. Okay. (The other door fall.s with a crash. Celeste's ghost
NATALIE. I dont ïvant to give him the monef lt's mine! I want is standing there.)
it to be mine! CELESTE. Natalie, you lying bitch! rVheret my white enamel
HENRY. Thatt not rhe same thing. alligator pin?!lVhere is it?!
NATALIE. I want it to be! HENRY. Oh yeah, this is the other thing we have to ta.lk about.
HENRY.
'§0'ake
the fuck up and pay the man his money! (She palk (Bkckout.)
herself free of the band. Thidoar operu- TornmY stands there. W'e canï
n, hí:forr."She gcts the enucbpe ind hay/s it ouer. Tb**Y nhcs it') End of Play
NATAUE. A[ right. GodÀammit. I'll get yotl you-r goddamn
fucking blood money. Heret your moneyyou cheap bastar{. G-o
back rà he[. Now go awayt (She shms tbe door, and bans against it.
To Henrld I'm sorry I cheatd on you with that guy.
HENRÍ. I know. You gotta grow uP, Natalie.
NAïALIE. I know.
HENRY. I cant be going through this once a week I need help'
Life's too hard. It's too lonely.
NATALIE. §íhat do you want?
HENRY. How'bout love?
NÀTAUE. Okay.
HENRY. §7hat do you want?
NATAUE. I want a joint checking account.
HENRY. Okay.
NATAUE. TÀat fucking Tommy. §íhy did I ever have to meet
him? And why did he have to be poor?
HENRY. Sit down.
NATAUE. And why couldnt I just talre his money and forget,it?
HENRY. Because what went on between you and ïbmmy, that
had nothing to do with money. It had to do with love.
NATAUE. Iknowlknow.
HENRY. It was me. lbur marriage to me. That was about money'
NATALIE. Ah, Henry.
HENRY. Stabiliry. You maried me for stability.
NATAUE. If I did, is that wrong?
HENRY. Oh baby, it haunts you.
NATALIE. \íhat is marriage?

54 55
 PROPERTT LIST SOT,JND EFFECTS

Book (SIDNEY, HENRY) §7lrodunit theme show-type music

Broom (MARCIAMARIE) §7olf howl
Cell phone (CELESTE) Phone ring
Coffee, rnuffin, notebook, pen (CELE§TE) Thump
Coffee (NATALIE)
Red beret in purse (CELESTE)
Boom box (HENRY, NAÏAUE)
Gold medd on chain (HENRY)
Box witih joinr and lighter (NATAUE)
CD (NATAUE)
Alligator pin in box (SIDNEY)
Phone (SIDNEY)
Mr. Coffee, coffee cups (MARCLA MARIE)
Butcher knife (MARCIA MARIE)
Papcr bag with three envelopes (HENRY)

56 57