- Taking a kid's phone is

detrimental to a child's
lifestyle. As soon as I took his
phone, he immediately turned
into a crackhead. Instantly.
Instantly. I said, "Gimme the
phone. Gimme the phone.
You're not getting the phone
back till you get your shit
together." I snatched the
phone. He broke down. He
said, "Come on, daddy,
don't do me like that." He
started moving. "Don't do me
like that, daddy!" (rock
music) - And I do love being
a parent. It's the most
important
thing I'll do in my life. But it's
an insane proposition. You
give your children everything.
You give them everything.
And then just one day
they leave, they're like, "See
ya, thanks for nothing!" "I'll
let you know if I
need help with a mortgage!"
Sometimes they don't leave,
right? They just stick around.
They turn into roommates.
Not gonna happen at my
house. I already have a
backpack for each of 'em. I've
seen the bags. They're like,
"What's that?" I'm like,
"When you turn 18, that's
 your going away present."
Jim, you're a monster. I try to
be a good dad. I feel like I
make more of
an effort than my father. My
dad's generation, they
didn't have to do anything.
My dad never went to a
parent-teacher conference.
My dad didn't even know I
went to school. My father
couldn't be
bothered to turn his head if
something was happening
behind him. "What the hell is
going on back there?!" I don't
know if he couldn't turn his
head or if it wasn't worth the
 effort. "What the hell's going
on back there?!" "We're
celebrating my birthday."
"Well, keep it down! I'm
watching 'Ironsides.'" ♪
Happy birthday to you ♪ My
children give me guilt trips I
wouldn't even contemplate.
Like, my daughter was in a
play on Thursday and Friday.
So I went on Thursday night,
and then Friday morning she
saw me with my rolly bag and
she was like, "Oh, you're not
coming
to my show tonight." I'm like,
"You've never
been to one of my shows. I do
300 a year." My big plan was
to teach
my children responsibility by
selling posters after one of my
shows. So I texted my
teenager, I'm like, "Do you
wanna sell posters after my
show? I'll pay you." She
texted back. "Great, sounds
good." So then I texted my
teenager, I'm like, "Do you
wanna sell posters after my
show? I'll pay you." He texted
back, "No thanks. I don't need
the money." He doesn't have
any money. He has my
money. I just texted back.
"You're out of the will." I'm
kidding. He was never in it. If
my father asked me to do
something, he wouldn't even
stick
around for an answer. "You
wanna shovel the driveway?"
Then he'd just leave. - I got
four daughters. I don't know
what the
fuck I did wrong or right.
Four daughters. Can you
imagine? Oh, Lord! Because
I've been running
around lying to women and
cheating on them
and shit my whole life. God
said, "I got
something for you, nigga."
 Yeah, you know God from
DC. He said, "I got something
for you, Slim. Got something
for you, Slim." Four
daughters. No more skeetin'
on bitches'
backs for me and none of that.
Skeet on another bitch's back.
I asked the doctor, "What did
I do wrong?" He says, "You
gotta stop fuckin' women with
dress socks on, Mike."
Walkin' around butt naked
with some dress socks on in
the house. Yeah. It's cool to
have
daughters, you know? 'Cause
you get to see your
 mother in 'em and shit. You
see your mom. You like,
"Damn, girl,
you remind me of my mama."
You know what I mean? You
get to see beautiful things
when you got daughters you
know? But what fuck you up
and make you mad, man,
when they start dating. They
start bringing
little boys in the house. 'Cause
you don't know
what the effect of having a
daughter is until she
bring a nigga in the house.
My daughter's been
bringing all little boys in the
 house that look like me. I
want to kill every last one of
'em. I said, "If you anything
like I was, I'm gonna fuck you
up." This one, I really wanna
fuck him up. He be walking
around looking at me. "Ha ha
ha ha ha." I say, little fuckin'
tight
pants-ass little nut hugger. I
be looking at him going like
this. (groans) "Gang, gang,
gang, gang, gang,
gang, gang, gang, nigga!" One
night, I needed some weed. I
couldn't find none. I called
everybody, I said,
"I'm gonna try something."
He was sitting in there. I said,
"Hey man, you smoke weed?"
He said, "No, I don't smoke
no weed." I said, I knew he
was lying. I said, "Okay."
And before I can get
out the door, he said, "I know
who got it." I said, Oh, yeah."
"I know who got it. I know
who got it." - I said, "Is it
good?" He said, "It's loud." I
said, "Go get it." Man, I'm
sitting there watching
this little motherfucker. He
walked out the back door, and
walked right back in the
house. I said, "I'm gonna fuck,
I'm gonna slap the outta him
 soon as I seen him." I said,
"Hello? Who the
fuck you think I am?" He was
like, "What, OG? I got it." I
said, "Man, you had it on
you." I said, "Get your ass in
here!" Because I still wanted
it. I wasn't gonna kick
his ass out that house. As long
as I've been looking for this. I
said, "Get your ass in here,
man." Man, the weed was so
good. I've been asking my
daughter, "Where your little
friend at?" I kinda like him. I
liked him too much. I got a
granddaughter now. - My
friend that I
financially support had a kid.
So, I'm a dad. Yeah. I wasn't
exactly ready for it. He gave
me a call. He was all excited.
He was like, "Yo bro, I got
great news." I was like, "You
got a job?" And he was like,
"No, bro, I had a kid." And I
was like, "Wow. That's like
the exact opposite of a job." I
can't wait to have a kid. I'm
very excited. I don't think it's
very hard at all. No. 'Cause all
my friends are having
them, and their complaints.
They don't bother me very
much. All their complaints are
the same. They're like, "Bro,
 it cries!" And I'm like, "Oh
man. Go in the other room."
Yeah, everything cries. You
know, you try to make
it stop, but then you leave. I
cry all the time. Eventually
my friend's like, "Yo dude, I
gotta go to work. I don't
know. Fucking figure it out."
Get offline. So that, they say
it cries. And the other
complaint is they're like, "Yo,
it shits like, all the time." And
that doesn't really
bother me either because like,
you know, so do I. You know,
so I don't mind cleaning it up
at like a smaller scale, you
 know? Plus when you clean
kids
sometimes you see spots that
like, you might
have missed on yourself. You
know? Yeah, you know,
you're
like, "Wow, I've never seen
my asshole from this angle
before." You're like, "I will
dab that corner when I hop
out the shower." - And I get a
whole gene. Look, lemme tell
you something. I'm showing
my age now. I'm in my
forties, and
this is what 40 olds do. They
like, match a bunch of shit
 that don't make no fuckin'
sense. I got a whole jean suit
on with a cowboy hat. This is
a dad outfit for real. I'm the
cool dad. You know who the
fuck this is. Dang. I got a 13,
12 year
old and a five year old. I
know, man. Like, fuck. You
know what's funny? Like,
when I was a younger parent,
like, I tried to do all
the things the right way. Now
I don't really give a fuck no
more. Right. You know what
I'm saying? Like my five year
old, we went
to one of those jumpy things
 and he just peed in that shit.
And I'm like, "Oh shit, let's
just go." You know what I
mean? I ain't changing. We
just walked the fuck outta
here. I walked, he was leaking
the whole time. Nobody sees
shit. Come on, come on now!
Damn. Hate being a fuckin'
new dad again. Carrying that
fuckin' car seat. People
downplay that. Nobody
realize how heavy it
is to carry a human being with
one fuckin' arm. That's stupid.
And I don't give a shit. As
long as they strapped in, I'm
gonna carry that
shit the best way I can. If you
upside down, fuck it. I'm like,
fuck it. No, I can't go to jail.
He good. He strapped in. As
long as he don't fall out, we
good. My daughter's 13. She's
a fuckin' teenager now. She
got the period. Ugh! That's
right. It happened with me. I
was hoping... It was like,
damn you
gotta be with me? Shit. 'Cause
I'm a divorced dad. So like, it
was my time and I'm like,
"Wait a minute, why the fuck.
I ain't ready for this." You
know what I mean? I tried my
best, dawg, and
I ain't know what to get. I ain't
gonna lie, y'all. I went to the
store and got everything. I
didn't know what the fuck to
get. That lady was ringing me
up like, "What, you got a
shelter or something? What
you got all these
different sizes for? What the
fuck you got going on, sir?
What you got going on, sir?" I
ain't fuckin' know. I'm like, let
me get the
pad that absorbed the most.
That's how, you know, men,
we stupid. That's what we
think, right? We think like,
get the
 shit that absorbs the most.
When I put all the shit on
the table, and she like, "Dad,
this is for grandma. I don't
know what the fuck
you think I got going. I'm 13,
sir." - Our daughter is in third
grade. And for first grade she
started taking the bus and it
was the first time
she ever took the bus. So if
you know as a parent,
you walk 'em to the bus stop.
It's very fun. And so we got
her on the
bus. She went to school. At
the end of the school day,
someone from the school
 called my cell phone. They
have my wife's cell phone.
They have my cell phone.
They called my cell phone.
And the teacher, she
said, "Hey, do you know what
bus number your
daughter's supposed to be
on?" And I said, "I'm her
dad." I said, "Are you crazy?"
Like, I was like, "This is how
you thought you would get
this
information was to call the
dad? You saw a mom and
dad's cell phone. You go, 'I
bet the dad knows.'" I was
like, "Do you have parents?
 Have you ever seen a family
before? You thought, 'Let's
call the husband?'" Unless
there's two husbands you
should never call a
husband a day in your life. I
would rather you ask a
lady that doesn't know her. I
think she could get to the
bottom of it quicker than I
can. I had to go get her. I go,
"All right, I'll come get her.
Tell me the name of this
school and I'll come get her.
Where does she go?" - And
sons love everything their
dads do. My kids would be at
school the next day. They just
 look like, "Oh, dad bit my
sandwich! Oh, shoot!" That
dad is Dave Chappelle, man.
You could trade that
sandwich
for something better. What
I'm doing is adding
value to their lunch. - My
youngest is a boy. I have a 16
year old boy in the house. Oh,
anybody got a teenager? No?
You probably do, but you
don't have the energy to say
anything. I don't know how to
describe this kid. I really
don't. He brags about things
you shouldn't admit to. The
other day, he walked
 through the kitchen and he
looks at us. "Haven't
showered in four days." Just
likes to hurt us. He really
likes to hurt us. And he's big.
He's 6'5", my son. Yeah.
Yeah. And he doesn't shower.
Doesn't shower. There's a lot
going on, man. There's a lot
going on. Yeah, he is big.
Plays varsity basketball. I'm
not bragging. He's not that
good. He's not that good. He's
all right. He's all right. He'll
get better. He played with a
kid, he
played one year with this kid
who got drafted yesterday in
 the NBA. Aaron Holiday.
Yeah. He got to play with
him. This was cool. The
trainer called our house once
and said Aaron bit Joe in the
forehead. They were going up
for a layup. Aaron's teeth
went into Joe's head and my
wife got, you know, she's
upset. "Oh, he's gonna need
stitches." And then she got
mad at me because all I could
think was maybe it's like a
Spider-Man bite. Maybe...
Maybe I start going to the
games now. Huh? Maybe Joe
can dunk now at 6'5"! God
forbid he jumps four
 inches off the ground and
dunks for his father. Make an
effort, Joe! And now he
drives. Why do we give 16
year olds licenses? My son
doesn't care about anything.
He called me the other day.
He's like, "Hey dad, I'm in the
car. Yeah, I don't know, I
guess
I'm outta gas right now." I'm
like, "Ah! What do you mean
you don't know, Joe? Are you
moving? Is the car moving?"
"And I'm moving, and I'm
moving. I'm putting my foot
on the pedal. Eh, I'm not
going anywhere right now."
 "All right, well, all right.
Where are you Joe?" And he
is very calm now. He is la-di-
da. "I'm here. I'm on the 101."
The 101 is a five lane
highway. Nothing. So I
assume like anybody would,
"Oh, you're on the side of the
road now?" "No, I'm in the
middle lane right now."
"What do you mean Joe?
Where's the urgency?" And I
swear to you, this is the
exchange 'cause I'm panicking
now. "What's the traffic like?"
"Ah, well behind me it's bad,
but it's moving in front of
me." I'm gonna kick your ass.
 I'm gonna kick your ass, Joe.
'Cause you need fear. You
need fear in your life. And my
wife tries to spin it,
you know, whatever he does,
she puts the spin on it. Well,
he doesn't panic. "He's zen.
He's a very zen-like boy. Like
astronauts. Maybe he'll be an
astronaut one day." Oh, you
think so? Really? I don't
wanna burst your bubble. But
if he can't interpret
the gas gauge on a Mazda,
nah, he ain't getting
in the space shuttle. I'll tell
you right now, give that up.
That kid is not an astronaut
 unless an astronaut bites him.
If an astronaut bites
him, then we got a chance. - I
gotta take my son's phone
from him. Which is the worst
things
you can do to a child. Taking
a kid's phone is
detrimental to a child's
lifestyle. As soon as I took his
phone he immediately turned
into a crackhead. Instantly.
Instantly. I said, "Gimme the
phone, gimme the phone.
You're not getting the phone
back 'till you get your shit
together." I snatched the
phone. He broke down. He
 said, "Come on daddy,
don't do me like that." He
started moving down. "Don't
do me like that, daddy." He
said, "Take my leg instead.
Take my leg." What? "Boy,
gimme the goddamn phone.
You're not getting the
phone back till you get your
shit together." When I take
the phone, I say
to myself, you know what? I
need to go through my son's
phone. I need to see what my
son
has been talking about on his
goddamn phone. It's
irresponsible on my part as a
 parent to not know
what's on my son's phone. I
go to go through the phone,
people, I realize I don't have
the code. I don't got the
thumbprint,
the Face ID, nothing. So I
gotta go back to this little
nigga and ask him to put the
code in the phone. "Put the
code in the phone so I can see
what
you've been talking about."
Straight face. My son said,
"Nah man,
I ain't gonna do it." I said,
"What? Boy, put the code in
the phone before I punch you
 in the fuckin throat." That's
what I said. I said that. He
took off running like he don't
live in this house. Like I'm not
gonna see
him at the dinner table in 10
minutes. I said, "Ain't nobody
chasing you. Give me the
code to the phone before I
kick you in the back." Swear
to God, from downstairs, all I
heard was, "Fuck you!"
(screaming) I'm gonna kill
him. I'm about to kill him. I
run downstairs, grab my son
by the neck. I start choking
the shit outta my son. "What
the fuck you say to me?" He
 couldn't breathe. He,
(screaming). He said, "That's
the code!
The code is 'fuck you!'" Oh.
That's a good code, son.
That's a good code. Is it Y-O-
U or the letter U? How you
spell it? - The other crazy
thing about being a dad is you
just aren't a dad and then you
are. It changes immediately.
And I feel like for a mother,
you know, your body is
telling you that a change is
coming, and you feel like a
mother before the
moment actually happens. But
you just are not a dad,
 and then you are a dad. And
that became very clear to me
after our first son was born.
About two hours after. We
were in the hospital, and he's
asleep and my wife's asleep
and a nurse brings me some
paperwork to fill out. And the
first question was mother's
name. And I put my wife's
name and then it said mother's
phone number. And I put my
wife's phone number and then
it said father's name. And I
put my wife's father's name.
And then it says father's
phone number. And I thought,
"Who the fuck knows their
 father-in-law's phone
number?" And then I realized,
"Oh, I'm the father." I hope I
can be as good of a father to
my kids as my dad was
to me and my brother. My dad
was an incredible father. So
supportive, our best
friend even to this day. And
there are things
that I want to emulate in the
way that he raised us. One
thing I'm really looking
forward to is trying to be the
kind of
disciplinarian that my dad
was because he really seemed
to enjoy it. He was never
 physical or threatening. He
used a technique that I believe
cognitive
psychologists would refer to
as mind fuckery. I remember
there was this time, there was
a storm in our town and
knocked down a tree in our
backyard. And the town came
and took the tree, but
they left the stump. And my
dad thought the
stump was an eyesore. And it
really drove him crazy that he
had this ugly
stump in his front lawn. And
so one day we were driving to
school, and one of our
 neighbors had
a landscaping crew there. And
my dad stopped a car and
he got out, and he went over
to the foreman and said, "Hey,
if I gave you a hundred bucks
would you get rid of this
stump using your bulldozer?"
And the guy said, "Sure, I can
do that." And so my dad took
us to
school and went to work. And
that night he got home
and the stump was still there.
Next day, stopped again. The
guy said, "We got busy,
we'll get rid of the stump."
Again, school, work, came
 home. Stump was still there.
My dad was so mad that
the stump was still there. It
was all he talked about. It was
the week we found out
the incredibly high bar he had
for the customer service he
expected of under the table
stump removal. So finally
after about a
week, we're driving to school,
and my dad stops the car, and
turns around to my
brother and I and says,
"Everything's gonna be fine."
Which is a terrifying thing to
hear if it never even occurred
to you, everything would not
 be fine. It sounds like a
positive
thing, but in context it's very
negative. It would be like if a
surgeon
right before you went under
said to you, "I hope we meet
again!" So my dad said,
"Everything's gonna be fine."
And he gets outta the
car, and he walks over, and in
his business suit, he lies down
in front of the bulldozer,
lies down on the ground in
front of the bulldozer. And
then as you would do if
you were a landscaping crew
and you saw this happen,
 they all walked over and the
foreman said, "Hey
man, what are you doing?"
And my dad looked at him
and said, "I'm so depressed
about the stump in my lawn
that I don't wanna live
anymore. Will you please run
me
over with your bulldozer?"
And the foreman said,
"Man, you gotta get up." My
dad said, "I can't get up. I'm
too sad. From, you know, the
stump." And so they looked at
my dad, and then they looked
at my brother and I with our
faces pressed against
 the window and he said,
"Man, I promise if you get up
right now and get in your car I
will turn this bulldozer
around. The stump will be
gone by lunch." My dad said,
"You promise?" He said, "I
promise." My dad got back in
the car, we drove off, and we
watched the bulldozer turn
around and go the other way.
And it was a very quiet and
awkward drive. And then
finally after
about 10 minutes of silence
my brother said, "Why would
you do that with us in the
car?" And my dad, with no
 hesitation, said, "Oh, it
wouldn't have worked
without you in the car." (rock
music).

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