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NAVIGATING NO CONTACT WITH TOXIC FAMILY

WORKSHOP. LEADER’S NOTES. 9.7.23

The Actor John Barrymore once said,

“In Genesis it says that it is not…to be alone, but sometimes it’s a great
relief.”

“Often you don’t realize how toxic someone is, until you breathe the
fresh air.”

Welcome to everyone!

Education and Training on the broad topic of Low and No Contact with
Family Members. We will also have some time for Q & A. Everyone will
be muted until the Q & A part of the workshop. But feel free to write in
the chat your comments and/or questions, my associate Yitz can help.

This entire workshop is about what you can do for YOU when family
members won’t change.

The person(s) who can make you feel anxious is often the one who is in
control of the relationship.
As a result, our three options are to:
a. Reduce reactivity or anxiety.
b. Distance from them physically and mentally
c. Or a combination of both

Of course, many of you have lived the problem of doing neither.

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This destroys inner peace. I have always said, “I can live without
family, I cannot live without inner peace.”

I have divided the workshop up into 4 segments. Any of these

segments will help anyone at whatever stage they are in.

I. Before going Low or No Contact

II. Going Low or No Contact
III. After going Low or No Contact
IV. Additional things to consider.

I consider going Low Contact (LC) a boundary solution for a

dysfunctional but unlearning/unresponsive family. I consider going No
Contact (NC) an unavoidable “nuclear” response to a nuclear family
life--malignant, toxic, harmful family.

Certainly, just because we are upset or triggered does not mean we

should resort to a nuclear response or even a LC response. Maybe we
should mature more, self-differentiate more, work on inner emotional
boundaries more. I don’t think this is the best measure for my
responses. When people ask me if they should do NC, I often say, “It
depends.”

I. BEFORE GOING NO CONTACT SEGMENT

“How do I decide whether to go No Contact with family members?”

Families are complex human emotional systems. It can be difficult if,

like so many families they are often a mixed bag. Mom can be horrible,
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and Dad is nice and supportive. Dad can be very toxic, then
occasionally be supportive. There can be there are very bad times, and
some good times.

One of the reasons why going low to no contact is that it exposes that
something is ‘wrong’ in the system. You become an indirect truth-
teller. If you go NC then you really are exposing the system.
Dysfunctional and narcissistic family systems do NOT like this at all. It
exposes the shame in the system.

So be careful advising everyone to use your measuring stick from your

family or be quick to advise to go NC because it has helped you. We are
all different. But we do have some things in common. I don’t take
going NC lightly.

So, what are the questions I have advised people to consider regarding
going NC?

Ask yourself these questions:

1. Would less personalizing and a greater sense of self make the

relationship(s) more manageable without the separation? In
other words, if I change for healthy self, would this change how I
deal with and experience my family for the better?
Would greater self-differentiation empower me more with my
unhealthy family or have little to no effect.

2. Do my family members or member have no respect for my

boundaries and/or treat me as a scapegoat? Being treated as a
scapegoat is very emotionally harmful. I am on the outside
looking in, they are on the inside looking out at me.
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3. Can the relationship be managed in a way that would keep from

significantly disrupting my inner peace and emotional well-being?
With counseling? Boundary setting? Confronting? Making
requests? Interventions of other family members?

All relationships have some rubs or some irritation at times. I

believe that inner peace is very essential for well-being, health,
mental health, and relationship building and maintaining.

4. Is there significant emotional, physical, financial, or relationship

harm or abuse to continue in the relationship? Once we have
come out of a ‘that’s just the way they are’ way of thinking and
perceiving we then evaluation if their behavior is abuse and if it is,
then what should I do?

5. When dealing with my family, or even when I am not dealing with

my family (e.g. just thinking about my family), do my nerves never
seem to relax, or am I emotionally triggers so much that the
relationship interferes with my emotional well-being, physical
healthy, mental stability, and other relationships in my life?
Explore the impact of the family member(s) on your entire life.

6. Do I feel ready to take responsibility for my choice to go NC and

the struggles and benefits it will bring? Financially, emotionally,
relationally, spiritually, and reasonably ready to accept the
upsides and the downsides of this decision.

7. Am I providing 90 to 100% of the emotional adjusting to maintain

the relationship, and they are providing 10% or less? If I am
bearing the brunt of all the unhappiness and all of the work for
maintaining the relationship, then we need to start evaluating, is
this a relationship I want to continue?
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8. Have I heard from other mature people or mature professionals,

who care about me, that I should go no contact or low contact
with this family member?

9. Have I felt strongly I should go no contact, but I just cannot do it

mentally or emotionally and I worry about my kids’ losing a
relationship with this family member?

My parents treat my kids great; they spoil them a lot. But they
treat me badly.

[Get help from a coach or therapist}

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ADJUSTING YOUR THINKING TO A LOW OR NO CONTACT POSSIBILITY
A. Since we have been fed distortion all our lives, it is good to get
help from an outside party, coach, therapist etc.
B. Realizing some people will not or cannot change for various
reasons, denial, stubbornness, temperament, past wounds,
mental illness, personality disorders, or biochemical disorders.
C. Important that we move from normal-with-a problem thinking to
abnormal-with-a-problem thinking.
D. We must increase our self-awareness and detachment along with
our needs to change others, and our expectations about changing
others.
E. Re-envisioning the relationships are important. Use videos,
articles, coaching, therapy, podcasts, books.
F. Understanding that grieving the loss that they will, can, or might
change is important. You know that if I choose that a family
member changing is a lost cause, NEVER prohibits them from ever
changing.
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Remember family relationships can be special relationships, but if

they are not, then they are simply adult to adult relationships and
all the rules that would apply to this.

Going NC acknowledges that going NC is a rejection of the family’s

defined roles and a step towards a rational, self-defined reality.

Assumptions to Remember
a. Going NC or LC is not to punish (like the silent treatment)
b. This is your family, it is your life, you get to choose and decide
how you want to live it. You are the final decision-maker, not a
friend, a pastor, a therapist, a coach, or a specialist.
c. This decision is much like a choosing a divorce from a spouse of
many decades. As a MFT we would say if married 5 years and
your partner dies it will take 5 years to recover. If married 25
years and your spouse dies, it will take a long time to recover
from the divorce. Same with Low or NC with family members
you have known all your life in many of the most intimate
setting.
d. Many family members will not understand (because this issue
may be too indicting) (or they may be dysfunctional), many in
your social network will not understand (because it is heavily
emotionally laden), so getting support can be tricky.
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e. Families may use money, religion, conditional love, or cult-like

pressure to control and abuse adult children. This can lead to a
need to go low or NC.
f. It is important for a healthy adult and a recovering adult to live
life on one’s own terms.
g. Marriages should come before families and extended families,
generally.
h. Whether to go no contact, to explain or verbally notify the
family, going LC or NC are best decided through as mature a
lens as we can utilize, given where we are in life, and where we
are in our recovery. Even if you can’t do these things as
maturely as you want, or as maturely as someone else would
do it. We still may need to make the decision and rest on
“Anything worth doing, is worth doing poorly.”
i. Going Low Contact or No Contact is about CONNECTING with
the real family I have, the limits of the who they can be and
how they can be. And connecting with myself and how this has
impacted me. So, I am very maturely connected with a family
in which I go low or no contact. No Contact may be the best
way I can stay connected to them and do my internal work of
how they are inside me. I am connecting with them as they
truly are and as I truly am. And I am doing this outside the
world of immature reactivity.

Low Contact involves—

Limiting our contact with troubled family members

Reduced communication (emails, letters, phone, physical contact,
holidays and family gatherings, limited opportunities for being around
alcohol or drug abuse, and opportunity for narcissistic attacks, etc.)
We want to set boundaries low enough to remain in person-to-person
contact, but high enough to filter out most of the toxic emotional noise
or abusiveness. Reduced explanations or why’s.
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No Contact involves—

No contact, physically, no communication, no person-to-person contact

No discussions with flying monkeys, no triangulating about the no
contact
No receiving of gifts or cards or letters
Use attorney if possible.
No excuses, defensiveness, explanations or why’s
(If you don’t know why, me telling you won’t change anything)(If we
have gotten to this level of boundary making, they won’t see or
understand why no matter what you say). If they could see, or be
reasoned with—you wouldn’t be to this point.

Common Downsides of Going Low or No Contact

● Increased scapegoating

● Feeling set adrift or feelings of abandonment

● Loneliness

● Financial loss (gifts, inheritance, etc.) or need for interactions due

to financial entaglements
● Seen in a negative light by other family members or society,
church members, friends
● NODAL EVENTS. Missing traditional events, grandparents’ day,
Christmas with family, family events at mosque, synagogue, or
church, July 4th, days at the lake, celebrating accomplishments
(graduations, etc.), funeral angst, think about this and decide
ahead of time what you will do, rather than ruminate about it,
weddings, baptisms, confirmations. Do I need to be non-cordial
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or cordial and with whom? Given who they are, what kind of
relationship do you want to have with them?
● Holiday blues

● Lowered support for helping e.g. fixing flat tire, childcare

● Feeling not normal, not like everyone else

● Yearning for the small or brief good times or positive traits (card
playing etc.)
● Triggered by family reaching out in a myriad of ways or flying
monkeys to help me see the error of my ways, or giftgiving,
stalking on social media
● Being criticized and even villified

● I’m sure many of you who have limited your contact with family
could think of more ways

COMMON UPSIDES OF GOING LOW OR NO CONTACT

● Greater peace

● Less stress

● Nerve endings get to relax

● Lower CPTSD symptoms

● Lowered conflict

● Less ego wounding, it turns down the volume of the ache

● Less trauma from family

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● Less anxiety and fear

● Greater relief

● Lowered cycle of obligation

● Less obsession about family

● No more cycle of obsessional pre anxiety-interaction discomfort-

aftermath hangover and distress (hours or days)
● This never limits their choices to grow, change, or mature if they
wish
● I can begin to think, if I did not obsess about their attacks what
would I be doing? Also consider downsides too.

II. GOING NO CONTACT

Going LC or NC with family does not--

● cure your trauma,

● resolve your inner issues with your family,

● does not completely break the cycle of inter-

generational transmission of the emotional
process.
● Resolve all inherited reactivity and anxiety

● But it can help.

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The primary goal of going low to no contact with family in

the early stages is to focus on holding your boundaries.
● Staying true to your mature adult choice of backing away
from your family member(s).
● Reinforce your decision.

● Don’t focus on all the ‘great times’ and positive moments

you miss.
● This is not the time for sentimentality.

Remember you have just gone through a relationship systems

surgery—
A Parent-ectomy or Family-ectomy, or a sibling-ectomy

Eat well, drink lots of fluids, get exercise, follow the doctor’s
orders, let the body heal and recover from this loss without
expecting too much of yourself or others.

Our soreness or pain from the “surgery” may come in the form
of guilt, shame, anxiety, and loneliness. This is common and to
be expected.

Let these go through you in waves. Things will get sorted out.
Remind yourself you will not always feel guilt, shame, anxiety,
and loneliness. Remember these are mostly ‘systems feelings’
not your true feelings connected to rationality.
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Remember your adult rights

1. To have the relationships you wish to have and avoid the
ones you don’t
2. You have the right to live your life on your terms
3. Though many have shared experiences like you, but only
you can decide what to do about the relationships you
have had
4. You have the right to be wrong
5. You have the right to decide how much you can tolerate
and handle, mentally, emotionally, and psychologically
6. Remember, “I am not you, and you are not me”
7. Being a family member does not give anyone the right to
anything in my life after age 18
8. You do not have to answer any question you don’t wish
to. As I have mentioned “why question may be hidden
gaslighting and manipulation in disguise”

9. Your reasons for doing something is your sacred

information and not for everyone.

What do I do if a family does not respect my decision to go

NC or respect my boundaries?

E.g.
o police reports about you as a missing person,
o file reports about your psychiatric well-being,
o send flying monkeys,
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o even try an intervention,

o testing the waters for reconciliation
o stressing all the good, gaslighting about the bad
(editing)
o send gifts,
o triangulation
o sending letters, cards, and photos
o or love bombing,
o have health problems,
o create chaos,
o hold prayer vigils,
o try to turn your children
o ignore the obvious,
o show up at your work
o file child abuse report to jar you. (weaponizing the
legal system)

Don’t fall for these maneuvers, these can easily

create mistakes for us

-Work on predictions from what you know about

them. Also put things in place. Work, tell your
supervisor that things have not gone well with your
parents and they may come here to talk to me. I
don’t want to talk with them.

-Utilize an attorney if necessary for any contact, or

inheritance issues
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-Even involve the police. If your family is a very

narcissistic technicolor family, then go to police first
and file a narrative or warning report with them.

a. Remember there are three stages of resistance

before a system digests a change
b. Again, remember you are not them and they are
not you, you can always say, that is how you see it,
but I see it differently
c. Remember you are turning a very large ocean liner
(called a family) a ship that has been cruising one
direction in the same ways for a long time
d. Don’t worry if you slip or relapse, it may take some
learning and maturing to hold firm
e. You can set up a ‘something urgent happens’
contact (attorney, etc. sister who you remain close
to) etc. everyone is different, e.g. I want to attend
my father’s funeral, but my mother’s I have no
desire to do that

How do you communicate your choice to go low or no

contact? Of course, depending on the circumstances
and if you choose to declare yourself….

(Don’t use this declaration as a time to try to change

them, or hope for a change on their part)
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● Matter-of-factly

● Brief

● Few to no reasons

● Neutral declaring self, it is intimacy but not a

negotiation or mutual sharing, we have passed that
time
● Share intentions

● I would stay away from sharing or expressing

feelings any way you choose to communicate it,
especially if you have suffered from CPTSD

ALWAYS THINK ABOUT THE LEVEL OF ANXIETY OR

REACTIVITY POTENTIAL IN THE SYSTEM, behave
accordingly

-High anxiety and low insight. Very little

-Low anxiety and higher insight, set the boundaries

Having gone LC or NC how do I handle family judgements,

other’s judgements, self-judgements?

Often the judgments of others and self-revolve around our

vulnerability to guilt and shame. Then our tendency to be
reactive and act out of our systems anxiety.
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TAKE MY COURSE. “Your New Road to Self”, some of you are

and have.

What are some healthy responses?

Some may be genuinely concerned for you or your family. Does
not always mean they are flying monkeys. Let’s respond
appropriately.

Family Judgements

“I heard what you were doing, you’re Mom is devastated and

hurt”

Well, I’m sorry to hear that. I wish she would have chosen to
talk to a counselor, rather than venting to you

I am sure that is how she appeared; my mother has lots of

ability to overcome her feelings
I think these things are between me and my mother, she fully
understands the reasons for the changes I have made, how’s
your daughter (or feel free to tell her you told me)

“Your dad and mom wanted me to let you know you were
invited to Thanksgiving Dinner next month”.

Thank you, but they already are clear about my attendance at

the family Thanksgiving Dinner
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Why are you doing this, it’s not like you have to live in the same
house as them?

It may seem strange to you. However, this is not the only

criteria I have for adult relationships. It sounds like we see it
differently.

Aunt Mabel: “I hope you get some family therapy, and you
grow up and accept your parents for who they are and you may
want to stop being so petty”

I wish I had the belief that family therapy would actually

change our relationship at this point. As for growing up, I think
I finally have. I only wish it was petty issues that were involved
Aunt Mabel.

Friends, or other family members judgements

“Why Jerry?”

Does it bother you what has happened? YES. It doesn’t bother

me, it frees me.

How would the WHY help you Jane?

“Are you sure this is the right thing to do? The Bible says….
[shamers]”
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Unfortunately, the Bible did teach much about narcissism or

alcoholic families, or about parental abuse.

What is evil for me may not be evil for you.

Please pray for me, if God wants me to see an alternative, he

will show me. And I’ll take it.

Other may say

I’d never do that. (Don’t!)
That’s too extreme (for you it may be)
That’s weird (no being treated horribly is weird)
I don’t understand (the good thing is you don’t have to)

IF YOU NOTICE I AM NOT DEFENDING MYSELF, I’M NOT BEING

REACTIVE TO SHAMING, OR GUILTING

I am me, they are them.

Self Judgements

I must be broken and the problem to have to go NC or LC

NC, LC is not a sign of weakness but of awareness and
acceptance of your family’s reality

I am weak, uncaring or intolerant. Everyone else can stay in

contact with their families.
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Tolerating abuse and toxic family dynamics is not a sign of

great heroism, but often a sign of being caught in the family
WiFi of dysfunctional emotional process.

Actually, the shame is deeply held within the family system, and
I want to release this shame and guilt.

I just need to be more accepting and tolerant and

understanding.
Dysfunctional families teach more-of-the-same thinking as the
solution for most everything. You have probably already been
empathetic, accepting, and understanding to a fault. Which
enables everyone else not to be empathetic. ( I realize many of
us have been reactive and not always proud of our reactions.)

My parents had rough childhood’s so I should be more

empathetic why kind of ungrateful child am I to cut them out of
my life

I understand my parents had a rough childhoods, I see how this

is multigenerational. However, I don’t wish to continue the
cycle. To change, they will have to hit bottom just like me. Just
because someone was abused, that I need to tolerate abuse to
be loving or accepting or understanding.

How messed up must I be, to have to go NC with a toxic family?

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You may be messed up, but you are not accepting and
acknowledging it and taking steps to change this.
Toxic families growing up are never your fault!

I’m a failure I couldn’t even stay connected to my family.

So, success, is choking down insults, shame and guilting, abuse,

over-functioning, taking over-responsibility for unhealthy
relationships, and being treated like, and punished, as a
scapegoat????
(No, they could not stay connected to you in a mature healthy
respectful way)

III. After Going No or Low Contact

Self-Care Stage

If you haven’t found a coach or therapist yet, this

might be a good time to do that search. You could ask
this question of them, “Have you ever supported
someone who has gone no contact with one or more
family members?”
Even if you meet once a month it could be a benefit for
you.
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Continue doing self-differentiation work even if you

are in a no contact position with your family. They are
still in you.

Continue to maintenance your boundaries, plugging

the holes family’s will seek to connect with you.

What issues should I work on post-No Contact?

● Role Playing
Stop playing the role you’ve been assigned in your
family, after you stop contact. We want to stop using
the family filter
“If I wasn’t feeling, thinking, and behaving like a
scapegoated person, what would I be doing now?”
“What would happen, negatively, if I were to no longer
act, feel, and think like a black sheep, or that I am “the
problem”.
My reel on youtube/IG X was “Remember, you are as
loveable, as your family thought you unlovable.”
“How could I love myself as hard as my family treated
me as unlovable?”
● Enmeshment, emotional maturity and self-
differentiation
● CPTSD. Peter Walker’s book
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● Trauma Bonding

● Letting go of fantasies

● Face unresolved hurt, anger, fear

● Avoid self-hate, and self-rejection, and issues of

personal failure
● The need to over-function, to explain, and to be
defensive
● Inner Bonding work

How to live without a family/parents/siblings?

Begin to change your mindset as I have just
mentioned.
Design a plan to replace your family and choose a
family. I want to fill the void with ME and with
connections with OTHERS
● Healthy support groups CODA, ACA, ACON,
attending online even
● Group therapy

● Healthy religious groups

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● Strengthen your friend groups

● Common interest groups, watching sports,

knitting, reading, bible study, doing sports, history,
travel, neighborhood groups, music, cooking, etc.
● Join a volunteer group, DO GOOD, hospital
volunteers etc. animal shelter
● Get a job or a part time job to be around more
people
● Nothing changes, if nothing changes.

IV. ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS

● WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN AS A COUPLE YOU ARE DIVIDED

ON THE ISSUE?
John’s family treats Mary badly, but treats John like a loving
child.
Going LC or NC can be more tricky.
Get some professional help to guide you through this dilemma.
Unity is the goal, understanding and having differences are
important.
I’ve worked with many of these divided couples.
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Hearing each other, and working on FOO issues is key.

● WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO STAY ‘CONNECTED WHILE BEING

DIFFERENTIATED?” Going NO OR LOW CONTACT is staying
connected to the real family as they are, and the real you
as you are. Anything else is a cut off emotionally. Going no
contact is connecting with the family OUTSIDE OF
REACTIVITY

● IF I GO NO CONTACT WITH SOME PART OF MY FAMILY

WHAT DO I DO WITH THE REST OF THE FAMILY?

E.g. No contact with sister, but brother-in-law is nice, nieces

and nephews (N and N) I have been close to. Thread the
needle as much as you are able.
Cards, gifts, phone calls,
Go through brother-in-law.
If older, direct contact with N and N
Younger you may have to keep a distance. Since parenting is
much more intense at earlier stages
Do what you choose, until someone says “No”

● WHEN SHOULD I CONSIDER RECONNECTING WITH MY

FAMILY, IF EVER?
Use the XY axes graph.
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● ONE PERSON ASKED FOR HELP

“How can I alleviate and navigate constant anxiety and guilt and
shame over changes made or going lower contact with an
enmeshed/narcissistic/and alcoholic family?”
Societal guilt
False guilt
Family guilt
NOT true guilt

Why?

Black bear coming for you, you feel guilty for being a coward?

Huh?

● WHEN GOING NO CONTACT IS NOT AN OPTION, WHAT DO

I DO?

● Dependence
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● Financially

● Inheritance

● Health issues

● Mixed family Dad bad, mom ill but loving

● Legal entanglements

● Paying for kids college, or other bills

● Housing

Devise a long-term plan for slipping out of the vise. Ask where
do I want to be in my liberation in one year, two years?

This is a much slower process.

● WHAT DO I DO IF I FEEL I NEED TO GO NO CONTACT

BUT I AM NOT EMOTIONALLY READY TO DO THIS?

Accept yourself and where you are

Calm down
Don’t beat yourself up
Stop self-criticizing
Work on the downsides of the good thing. If I did…what would
be the downsides
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● HOW DO I TALK TO YOUNG CHILDREN and

TEEMAGERS ABOUT GOING NO CONTACT WITH A
GRANDPARENT(S)?

a. Work toward parental unity

b. Plan together the discussion with younger and older
children
c. If in disagreement seek help
d. Brief, calm, and truthful, but keep away from details
e. Ask for questions, only ask what they are asking
f. You will never be without a family, we are here
g. Friends asking them about it, oh its just something theyir
going through
h. Do not be shaming of toxic family
i. Ask if they hear anything negative from family or feel
uncomfortable with, let your mom or dad know
j. Share who they will see and not be seeing
k. Just don’t over explain
l. This is an adult decision and you will understand as you get
older and we will talk more
m. Prepare yourself to not be defensive

Q AND A SECTION