BENCH | was glad | waited. | watched Denise tearing up under a grand arch of white flowers while our guests beamed and cried as they looked on to us. She looked so beautiful, but she has always been beautiful. I'm glad I waited. Hang beses din kasing muntik na akong sumuko—hindi kay Denise, kundi sa paghihintay. Madalas kong naiisip na magkapareho lang ang magpakasal kami ngayon agad sa pagpapakasal namin pagkatapos niya sa law school. Pero ito ay kung mangangako siyang mamahalin niya ako at pakakasalan niya ako. Lalmost gave up on waiting, on preparing to convince her to marry me a soon as possible. But I realized... that it wasn't her. It was me. Iremembered clearly that one vacation we went on together. Leading a business empire was hug burden to me. I started Young at the job, back before I was ready to manage @ business, let alone lead it. Sa tuwing bakasyon ni Denise lang kami Para magbakasyon nang magkasama, pero dahi ga araw ng bakasyon niya sa akin, hindi talaga mi" ga malaking problema sa trabaho akong, Kallangat But I have always chosen her. ieee I truly believed that it was my duty €0 always P i umaalis ng bansa i hindi tugma ang a maiiwasang may pan. needs 323first, to adjust my life to hers no matter what problems that company needed me to face. It usually resulted in me spending our vacation inside our hotel room, attending online board meetings, reviewing and sending out documents, and barking solutions here and there to my employees. Samantalang si Denise naman ay lumalabas para mag-enjoy. Noong umpisa, sinasamahan niya pa ako sa hotel dahil hindi ako makaalis gawa ng trabaho. Usually, she slept or just lounged by the pool while she waited for me to finish work. It happened so often that I eventually convinced her to go out and enjoy herself rather than wait for me. This time, nahanap ko siyang umiinom ng mango shake sa isang restaurant malapit lang sa hotel na tinutuluyan namin. She was sitting on a stool by herself, and the bartender was talking to her. Narinig ko ang usapan nang palapit na ako. “Wow! I can’t believe that you're engaged to someone you've known since kindergarten. I know you're not married yet, but I can't imagine myself spending the rest of my life with a person I've known for a very long time. Wouldn’t you be bored shit just seeing him everyday for the rest of your life?” Malapit na ako, pero natigilan ako sa paglalakad. I loved Denise so much, and it didn’t occur to me that I would be bored shit spending all my life with her. Siguro dahil na rin sa frustration ko sa trabaho kahit dapat nagbabakasyon ako at ang katotohanang hinarangan ko noon ang mga gustong manligaw sa kanya para ang bagsak niya ay sa akin ay napaisip ako. I had my fair share of... explorations earlier on. It was @ combination of learning things on my own as I went along and my bodyguards teaching me the ways of the world at my ee I guessed it was because of the nature of my family’s busines 324empite- 1 needed to be tougher than I was in all things— including matters of the heart and other things related to that, It reached @ point where I was even encouraged to explore those things sooner. «| won't be bored. He's fun,” ani Denise. Although I was pleased with her answer, hindi ko maiwasang mangamba. Paano kung 00 ang sagot niya? Pinigilan ko siyang magkaroon ng manliligaw o boyfriend. Tinali ko siya agad. Oo, hindi pa kami kasal, pero atat pa ako. At ngayong naiisip ko ‘to, lalo pa akong naaatat. Paano kung magbago ang isip niya?! I should tell her that we should get married sooner! I gritted my teeth. Insecurity was kicking my ass, and now I wanted to convince her to get married as soon as we returned to the Philippines. Dahil ayaw kong magbago ang isip niya sa akin. Ayaw kong magising siya isang araw at maintindihan niya kung gaano kasahol ang mga nagawa ko para sa aming dalawa. Na hindi ako haging patas sa kanya. Na masyado akong makasarili. The bartender knew that I was the boyfriend. Natanaw niya ako sa likod kaya hindi na rin niya sinundan ang sinabi niya. Lumapit ako nang tuluyan kay Denise at niyakap siya mula sa likod, Napatalon siya nang kaunti ‘yon, niyakap niya rin ako. “Tapos ka na?” tanong niya. “Yup,” napapaos kong sagot- “Mag-dinner na tayo? Baka gute T nodded, but my mind was some’ -bore siya? h was how sa gulat, at nang nakitang ako m ka na,” aniya- where else. at she was the Paano nga kung ma I knew th 1 did a lot of exploring, which 325one for me. She didn’t, but she chose me anyway. What if one day she woke up and realized that she wanted to try other things, other boys, other relationships? Tahimik ako habang kumakain kami. Denise noticed, which was why she tilted my head inquisitively at me. “Are you okay? Ano na ang nangyari?” Bumuntong-hininga ako. “Naayos na naman lahat sa trabaho, I'm free and finally on vacation leave.” Ngumiti siya at bahagyang sumayaw sa kinauupuan niya. Tinitigan ko siya. I was happy, too, but I wanted this happiness to last forever, Not just today. “Denise, magpakasal na tayo pag-uwi natin sa Pilipinas?” Nagulat siya sa bigla kong sinabi. Kumunot ang noo niya. “Huh?” My heart broke. Alam ko namang hindi ‘yon sa ayaw niya akong pakasalan. Alam kong gusto niya. Naunahan na lang ako ng pagiging makasarili at pangamba. “Bigla na lang? Anong nangyari? Bakit ka nag-aaya?” Natawa siya nang kaunti. “Nothing. I was just thinking that if we were getting married eventually anyway, then what's the point of waiting?” Natawa ulit siya. “Ilang taon na lang naman e. Malapit na akong gumraduate sa law school. Ayaw mo ba no’n? May chance pa na magbago ang isip mo?” I glared at her. She chuckled. “I'm just kidding, Bench.” “I won't change my mind. I'm going to marry you.” Nakangiti pa rin siya habang nakatingin sa akin. Denise has always been beautiful. But growing up, she became very sophisticated and elegant. Her feisty nature made her more beautiful and stronger. She carried herself in a way that told the world that nothing could ever make her submissive. 326she was an alpha woman who would never back down froina. fight. . ‘Maybe I was insects because I felt like she could leave me if she wanted to. She'll thrive without me, and [’1] be left very heartbroken. [ didn’t want those thoughts to linger, and marrying her now will be the way to end those fears. Finally. “Fine. Let’s get married when we return to the Philippines,” aniya nang may matapang na mga mata. Nagulat ako. My eyes widened a fraction when her words hit me. Hindi ko inasahan iyon. Akala ko magtatalo kami at pakiramdam ko ilalaban ko ang kagustuhan ko dahil sa takot ko. Ngayong pumayag siya at naghahamon pa, natahimik ako. She leaned on our table. The dim light in the al fresco dining area, the light from the restaurant, and the streetlight here in France made her look warmer and more mysterious. Her curled hair and that dark red sun dress only emphasized the challenge in her eyes. I bit my lip. Magpapakasal na talaga kami! “Pero sabihin mo muna sa akin kung bakit mo naiisip ‘to out of nowhere.” Napasinghap ako. “[ want to know. We need to be honest with each other:” Nagkatinginan kami. Tahimik lang ako habang pinag-iisipan kung sasabihin ko nga ba talaga sa kanya ang toto. Peron. Parang nasasaktan ako. Keeping secrets from her had alway: It felt like I was cheating on her even if there Teould ever love than her: It felt so illegal tomes iy _Bumuntong-hininga ako at uminom. hie oe ine din ako at tulala, Ayaw kong sabihin, pero Talons ° Maglihim sa kanya. s made me uncomfortable. were no other girl 327“I heard the conversation you had with the bartender earlier,” Kumunot ang noo ni Denise. She tilted her head as if remembering that conversation. “About you getting bored with me if you marry me because you've known me all of your life.” Humalakhak siya nang bahagya. “And what about it?” I swallowed hard. I felt uncomfortable laying myself out to her. Kaya lang ayaw kong magsinungaling. Hindi ko kayang magsinungaling sa kanya. “Bench, the bartender doesn’t know our relationship. It’s just his take. I won't get bored with you. I'm pretty sure you won't allow it, too.” She smirked. I smirked back. Pansamantala kong naisip na tama siya. L always made an effort in our relationship. Gano’n din siya. Kaso paano kung abala ako sa negosyo ko? The smirk was short-lived. I still worried about it. “Hindi ka nagka-boyfriend ng iba. Hinarangan ko ang mga manliligaw mo. You didn’t get to explore that much with regards to... relationships,” maingat kong sinabi. Denise watched me with eyes so deep and alert. “I've done my explorations in love and...” napapaos kong sinabi. “...I know that you're the only one for me. What if you think I’m not for you?” A slow smile crept on her lips. She leaned closer on the table and tilted her head indulgently. “Hindi ako makapaniwalang sinabi mo ’yan.” I gritted my teeth and looked away. “Inamin mong hinarangan mo ang mga maniiligaw ko...” She smiled gently. “And now... you're scared that I'll change my mind?” Umiling siya at namungay ang mga mata, “Are you saying that you want me to try exploring other men?” 328siyempre hindi,” jritado kong baling sa kanya. “ natatakot kang mauntog ako at maisip ko balang araw a baka iba ang gusto ko?” , ko ng tingin. Damn! Umiwas 4 3 Jala kung kailan ako nangamba noon. Siguro Hindi ko maa ganito Jang talaga wanted to keep forever, “Bench, are you insecure?” pisngi ko. Denise chuckled even as I started kung nagmamahal. Denise was a person I and I was scared to lose her. Uminit ang getting annoyed. I was being serious here! “(m sorry.” Hinawakan niya ang kamay ko nang natatawa. “Hindi pa kita nakitang ganito. Nasanay akong lagi kang may pakulo para mahulog ako sa 'yo. Now you're saying that you're scared, Did you run out of antics to use?” “I'm serious, Denise. I have a ton of work, and sometimes I get so busy that I’m forced to leave you alone. If I get lost under all that pile of documents and eaten alive in a meeting, then you get bored...” I trailed off, scared to continue. Kinagat niya ang labi niya. “I'll take that as personal alone time. When you're at work, I love it that I get time for myself. At kung miss na kita, pupuntahan kita. Alam mo "yan.” Nanuyo ang lalamunan ko. Hindi ko alam ang sasabihin ko. She stood. Nagulat ako. Hindi niya binitiwan ang kamay ko nang lumapit siya sa upuan ko, The people around were busy eating and laughing with their friends. At dahil nasa ibang bansa kami at medyo libs Pakialam nang pumatong at kumandong si Denise sa akin. 1 smile appearing on her Kinulong kamay at nilapat ang: other on eral, walang may She sighed deeply, nya ang panga ko gamit ang dalawang ilong sa aking ilong, My hand rested on h her back to support her on my lap. I aiyallowes 8 ; ‘cared and excited... for her. er thigh, the J hard, feeling both 329“I love you when you're confident, but I didn’t know I could fall in love with you when you're insecure...” Damn. I licked my lips and breathed in harshly. “So you want to marry me because you're scared I'll get bored and find someone else while you are busy with work. You're insecure and scared that I haven't done enough exploring to trust myself in choosing you. Samantalang ikaw, siguradong-sigurado ka sa akin?” I sighed defeatedly and slowly nodded. She articulated it properly. Nakakahiya mang aminin, pero tama siya at ayaw kong i-deny pa ‘yon. “I don’t want you to explore other men—” “Of course, you don’t.” “Ako lang,” sambit ko. “Ako lang ang para sa ‘yo. Kaya... pakasalan mo ako.” “Matagal na akong um-oo, Bench. Sige, magpakasal na tayo,” she hissed and kissed me. It felt like heaven. The kiss and the thought that she was going to marry me very soon. Kaya lang... habang naghahalikan kami at nararamdaman ko siya sa mga kamay ko... She felt so soft, so vulnerable. She was feisty and had a strong personality, but when I held her, she was so gentle... Likea feather. Like fine China. So fragile. Na mababasag ko kung magkamali ako. Na hinahayaan niya ako at inaasahan niya akong... mahalin at saktan siya. She surrendered herself to me. She allowed herself to be vulnerability around me. It took her years, but now she was vulnerable to me. I felt good. Na ako lang. Kaso lang... Hindi ba kaya ako natatakot na makahanap siya ng iba ay dahil noon ay hinarangan ko ang mga manliligaw niya? Hindi ko siya 330an Ng, pagkakataon para makihalubilo at magkaroon ng poyfiend na hindi ako. Gagawin ko ba ulit ‘yon ngayon? She was not looking for a boyftiend, anymore. She was just buying her time until she finished Jaw school. Ipagkakait ko rin ba ’yon? Para ano? Para a pagiging makasarili ko? Dahil lang mahal na mahal ko siya at natatakot akong magbago ang isip niya? How ironic! I knew my faults and wrongdoings. It was why I was insecure right now. Yet the solution that I had in mind was pinigy’ to do it all over again? We caught our breaths between kisses. Pareho kaming hinihingal. Her nose touched mine as we paused, panting from our soft and gentle kisses that lasted so long. I groaned when I realized that I couldn't do it again... to her. Hindi tama ang nagawa ko noon sa kanya at ayaw kong gawin lit, Oo, hindi ko kayang hindi makasal sa kanya. Gustong-gusto ko na siyang pakasalan. Um-oo na siya. Para panatagin ako. Pero hindi dapat ganito. I couldn't manipulate her just because she loved me. I couldn’t do that same shit over and over again. That was selfish and unfair. “I'm sorry,” I whispered softly. “T love you, Bench. You don’t have to be se: “I'm sorry,” ulit ko, “I’m selfish.” “I'm selfish with you, too.” “Not as selfish as I am, Denise.” Ngumiti siya. “Vm scared, you'd eventually want to explore al eee options sigtintel j on, Kaso kung, magpapaxas ys ptions, dahil pinigilan kita no einawa ko lang ulit sa ‘yo hgayon dahil lang sa takot ko, parang Bi” ang ginawa ko dati.” ened a fractio ared. | won't run.” F . 1 swallowed 1 her lips parte Her eyes wid n, and hard. 33Hirap na hirap ako. Hindi ako makapaniwala. Habang sinasabi ko ang lahat ng ‘yon, gusto ko pa rin siyang pakasalan. Kung may simbahan sa harap namin, ginawa ko na, Pipirma agad ako. Pakakasalan ko siya ngayon agad. But the logical part of me knew that I needed to be better if I wanted to keep her. “I'll wait,” napapaos kong sinabi. Kahit ang boses ko ay ayaw makisama. Gusto ko nang magpakasal kami kaso mali iyon e. “Two more years...” My voice only got hoarser with every word out of my mouth. Her lips were apart. It was like she struggling to breath. “Pinigilan kita na mag-boyfriend o magkaroon ng manliligaw noon dahil makasarili ako. Ayaw kong maging makasarili ulit ngayon. Ayaw kong ulitin ang pagkakamaling ‘yon.” She sighed heavily. I swallowed hard. “I want to marry you right now so much, Denise. Do you know how much I want you in my home? How much I don’t want to wait till vacation or our date nights to come home to you? I'm suffering, struggling every fucking day.” Her hand cupped my jaw. “Trabaho ako nang trabaho. Uhaw na uhaw ako sa pahinga lagi. At ikaw ‘yon. Gustong-gusto ko nang magpakasal sa ‘yo. Hindi na ako makapaghintay. Kaso alam kong ngayon bakit ako natatakot. This is my problem. This is not yours. So why should you suffer—” “I'm not suffering, Bench, Marrying you will be the most beautiful thing I’ll ever do,” she whispered softly. “I shouldn't ask you to solve my own problem. Kasalanan ko kung bakit ako nai-insecure at natatakot kaya hindi kita pwedeng gambalain ng mga problema ko.” She shook her head. 332whispered. “[’ll wait. Two more years. I don’t want at pressured into marriage. I don’t want you to marry youl act becaus! Lag Pie right way.” oe change your mind?” She smiled a bit. t nodded. “{t’s unfair to you. I want to be fair now. I'm sorry, Denise. For always being so unfair to you. For being selfish. Loving you isn’t an excuse to be selfish. Babaguhin ko ‘yon para e I'm scared or insecure. I want us to marry each hindi mo ako iwan—" She lightly tapped my arm. “Gago. Hindi kita iiwan.” Ilicked my lips. “I want to be better for you.” “Yes, you're selfish, but then I knew it before I said yes to you. I've always known, Bench. I memorized you so much. I know what I'm getting myself into. So you don’t have to worry about me. Pero inaamin ko...” She sighed DEEPLY again. “Hearing you say this, seeing you so vulnerable, and watching you wanting to be better because you want so bad to keep me feels... so good.” Bumuntong-hininga ako. My heart hurt from both pain and happiness. “If you want to marry me now, I will. I love you so much. But if you want to change and do things differently, I'm still going t. All the more that I will marry to marry you whenever you want n that no matter what you. Because now I know... Now I've provel we face in the future, we'll make it. We'll m Us will make it work, Both of us are willing t compromis: change if it’s needed.” Parang pinipiga ang puso ko. Pi “Mahal na mahal kita,” ‘yon lang ang tal man ko sa 5! but the dicti ake it because both of e—and nagmasdan ko siya. : nging nasabi ko dahil ' i mga salita. Yon lang talaga ang nararamdar tao ee It was even more than that, jonary Words more intense than it. enol i i ise. “Mahal na mahal din kita,” sambit ™ Dents 933when you were a selfish asshole. Some time ago, I fell for you again because you were scared and insecure. Now, I'm falling for you even more again because you've grown and matured.” Nahawa ako nang bahagya. “Believe me when I say that it’s not true. Right now, all I ever fantasize about is marrying you, Denise.” She chuckled. “Don’t fall for the matured Bench yet. I might change my mind tomorrow.” Natawa siya lalo, “Wala naman akong pakialam e. Pakakasalan kita kahit kailan at kahit saan, Bench.” “I'm so in love with you. I'm not perfect, and I’m scared you'll wake up one day and realize that—” “I want you. I don’t need perfect. You are already perfect to me.” I sighed deeply, taking it all in. Denise gave me the softest kiss. I closed my eyes, feeling her lips on mine, and I let out satisfied sigh. Namumungay ang mga mata ko. “We are perfect for each other. I'll prove that to you every single day. Even after you marry me, I will always remind you that I’m the only man perfect for you. We're perfect for each other. Always.” She smiled. “We're perfect for each other,” she whispered. “We're perfect for each other,” I said, watching her walk down the aisle, almost three years later. I waited. I waited. And it was so, so difficult. Tang beses na akong muntikan nang sumuko at tuluyan nang magpakasal bago pa ang nakatakdang panahong napag-usapan namin. But I wanted to prove to her that I could do it. I could wait. I could be the mature man she fell in love with that night. If she loved my selfishness, I wanted her to love my selflessness. 334I wanted her to Jove all of me, because I loved all of her—every inch, every she hugged mY parents when she reached the end of the aisle. Her veil only added to her ethereal beauty. Bumaling siya sa akin at taas-n00 na tumingin. She smiled, her eyes tearful and happy at the same time. I smiled. I had wanted to cry tears of joy, but there was nothin, in my head by excitement—the thrill. e [leaned down to her to whisper before I took her hand. “| waited for you. I deserve this. You're finally totally mine. I'm finally going home to you tonight. I waited for this, Denise. corner. I'm going to savor every moment because I waited so damn long for this.” She chuckled and bit her lower lip. “Yes. I waited, too, Bench. I'm finally marrying you. I love you.” It felt so satisfying. I felt so accomplished. It was even better than all the things I have accomplished in both studies and business, In both education and career. Na kahit na gigil na gigil na akong pakasalan siya at pwedeng-pwede ko siyang pakasalan abing ‘yon, hindi ko hi] tingin ko ‘yon ang kundi para sa akin, pagkatapos ng usapan namin noong §} ginawa. Naghintay ako. Naghintay ako da mas nakakabuti, hindi lang para sa kanya, I had wanted to marry her in that moment many years ago for selfish reasons. Yes, I loved her. But ultimately, | wanted to " quse [was insecure and T was scared of change @ thing. If 1 had married her d content as @ couple. But I isfied as 1 felt now. for us. | kept my 1 waited and endured. I marry her that time be losing her. Maybe it won't that time, we would still be happy ant Wouldn't feel as accomplished and sat iM T suppressed my insecurity and sell Promise to her, and I let her g° freely: Riéeted eotlaneyforceure aiweemeny “ yor selfishness OF anything e'se- her for love and not for my insecurit: 335I loved her. I may not be perfect, but I’ll make sure that | strived to be perfect. I'll make sure that I'll do better. For her and for us. Always. wy DENISE I struggled to keep my tears from falling. I watched Bench as he took my hand, kissed it, tucked it around his arm. He kept hold of my hand until we walked to the altar together. He looked like he was struggling to keep himself together, which made me chuckle despite the tears in my eyes. I have watched him grow up, and I grew up with him. Sa totoo lang, noon gabing ‘yon, no’ng niyaya niya akong magpakasal, totoong gusting-gusto ko na rin. When he opened up about his feeling, when he let himself be vulnerable with me about it—even if it were ugly or negative or sad or full of insecurity and selfishness, it only told me that it was all more than enough. He was more than enough. It overwhelmed me that he saw me as his safe space. That he shared all of those intimate things with me despite himself. Sa isip ko no’n, pakakasalan ko na siya. Ito na ‘yong sign. Na kaya niyang sabihin sa akin ang nararamdaman niya nang walang, pagdadalawang-isip. Na kahit gaano man kapangit yon, kaya niya, Handa na kaming dalawa. Handa na siya. Lalong handa ako. “I'm glad I waited,” he whispered to me during the ceremony: I looked at him and smiled. “I'm glad that you're happy that you waited.” Noong araw na 'yon, many years ago, ha ndang-handa na akong magpakasal dahil mismo sa sinabi niya. Dahil kaya na namin ang mag-asawa. Dahil kaya niyang aminin at sabihin sa akin ang lahat. 336phat was all I needed. Honesty. We grew UP feeling like we were sworn enemies. We were friends, put we kept secrets from each other to Protect ourselves, We hid our feelings from each other because We're afraid we'd use them against each other. Hearing him being honest inspired me to be more honest with him, too. And that was all we needed. “Matagal na kitang gustong pakasalan, Bench. Pero sa araw na yon, lalo akong naging handa. Dahil naging totoo ka sa akin, Naging madali na sa 'yo ang magpakatotoo. At tingin ko, 'yon ang hinahanap ko. I felt so safe that you were so honest and vulnerable with me.” Yumuko siya at pumikit nang mariin. Suminghap siya at nang tuluyang inangat sa akin ang kanyang mga mata, may mga luha na roon. He didn’t cry when I walked down the aisle. Muntik lang. Pero ngayon, naiyak na siya. I smiled softly at him. “Llove you. I perfectly love you,” I whispered. 337