Ku■lar■n Felsefesi 111th Edition

Philippe J Dubois
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 Edominggo

KULARIN
FELSEFESI
Bask,
PHILIPPEJ. DUBOIS
15 ELISE R0USSEAU
Dile Cevrildi
akinakitaP
Çeviri: Murat Eren
KULARIN FELSEFESI

Tarama& düzenleme
akira
KULARIN
FELSEFESI

PHILIPPE J. DUBOIS
ve ÉLISE ROUSSEAU

Çeviri
MURAT ER$EN

illüstrasyonlar
JOANNA LISoWIECC

Cdomingo
Fdomingo
KULARIN FELSEFESÍ
PHILIPPEJ. DUBOIS ve ÉLISE ROUSSEAU

Ozgün ismi: Petite philosophie des oiseaux

2018 Editions de La Martinière, EDLM, Paris

Bu kitabin Türkçe yayn haklar EDLM'den, 2 Seas ve Anatolial.it Telif

Ajansi aracli ile alnmur.
2020 Bkz Yayncilk Ticaret ve Sanayi Ltd. ti.
Domingo, Bkz Yaynclk markasdr.
Sertifika No: 46105

Çeviri: Murat Eren

Editör: Algan Sezgintüredi
Daniman: Prof. Dr. Mehmet Ali Kirpk
Tlüstrasyonlar: Joanna lLisowiec
Kapak illüstrasyonu: Duygu Topçu
Kapak tasarmi: Gülay Tunç
Sayfa uyarlama: Betül Güzhan

ISBN: 978 605 198 1406

I.Bask: Kasm 2020

I11.Bask: Ocak 2021
Optimum Basm
Tevfikbey Mah. Dr. Ali Demir Cad. No: 51/1
34295 Küçükçekmece Ístanbul
Tel: 0212 463 71 25 Sertifika No: 41707

Tiim haklar saklidr. Bu kitabn tümünün veya

içeriinin herhangi bir
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yöntemi dahil,
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Pierre ve Anne'a
 içindekiler

Giris
1

1. KENDiNDEKi KIRILGANLI
KABUL ETMEK
Ordein eklipsi

2. KUÇUK BiR DENKLiK DERSi

Kumrularn zihinsel yükü
11

3. 1YI ALIKANLIKLAR SA NATI

Kuslar bize giündelik hayatun güzelliini örettiinde
19

4. YON BULMA DUYUMU ZA NE YA PTIK?

Moollar, denizulluu ve guguk kuu

25

5. SONUÇTA AiLE NEDiR?

Guguk kuunun ve kazn ahlak
33

6. GERÇEK CESARETi N EREDE BULMAL1?

Kartal ve kzlgerdan
41

7. SEV MEK N EDIR?

Kumrunun efkati
47
 8. BANYO YAPAN TAVUUN FELSE FESÍ
Ya da youn yaama sanat
55

9. DÜN YANIN GÜZELLiINE

NASIL KATKIDA BULUNULUR?
Cennet kuunun dans
61

10. 0z GÜRLÜK NASIL YAANIR?

Kularn kafesini açn
71
11. SA DAKATSiz OLMAK NE IE YARAR?
Çit serçesinin tuhaf yaam
77
12. ME RAK KÖTÜ BIR HUY MUDUR?
Kizlgerdann cesareti
85
13. NEDEN SEYAHAT EDERiz?
Kuzey denizkrlangici ve açk denizin
çarS
91
14. HiYERARI GERÇ EK IKTIDAR MIDIRR?
Karga ve akbaba
97
15. YA AMANIN MUTLULUU,
OYLE BASITÇE
Ispinoz gibi en
103
 16. Z EKA GERÇEKTEN DE
SANDI I MIZ EY Mi DiR?
Serçenin beyni!
109

17. KULAR IYiNiN VE KÖTÜNUN

OTESIN DE Mi?
Guguk kuunun ahlak
117
18. KENDi GÖLGESINDEN
KORKMALI MI Kii?
Ispinozun çlgn kaç
125

19. AKSAN BIZE BAKAS1

HAKKINDA NE SÖYLER?
Calais ispinozu mu, Marsilya ispinozu mu:
131

20. EN ivi AK STRATEJisi

Akl mi (penguen), tutku mu (ördek)?
137

21. GUZHLLiK BiZE NE ANLAT1R?

Tüylerim, benim güzel tüylerim
143

22. OL M EYI O RENMEK,

YASAMAYI OG RENMEK
Kirlangçlar ölmek için saklanur
149
Sonug
155
V_
 Girig

ALÇAK BiR DUVARA KONMUS,sar gagal, parlak gözlü,

simsiyah bir karatavuk. Iyi bakn ona: Karatavuk olmak
tan memnun, deil mi? Solucan peinde, çimlerin
üzerinde seke seke yürüyor. Kendi varlindan tama-
men tatmin olmu görünmüyor mu? Kendimizden ve
hayatmzdan onun kadar doygunluk duysaydk günlük
yaantimz kukusuz daha hafif olurdu.
Masallarda ve efsanelerde kularn genelde eitici
öncü, mesaj tayan bir rolü vardr. Maeterlinck'in Mavi
Kus'u mutluluu temsil eder. Kafdaí'nn ardndaki
efsanevi padiahlar Simurg'u arayan otuz kuun yap
tii manevi yolculuu anlatan Ortaça Fars iirleri
derlemesi Kularn Dili'nde' her ku bir insan davra-
nin simgeler. Selma Lagerlöf'ün yaban kazlar,"
küçük Nils Holgersson'u masals olduu kadar manevi
bir yolculua çkarr; Nils bu yolculuktan ebediyen
deimi dönecektir.
Yunan bilgelik tanrças Athena'nn amblemi bir
kutu: altn sars gözleriyle bodur bir bayku olan
kukumav. Ebeveynlerin dostu lütuf dolu leyleklerin
hanelere bebek getirdiine inanlrd. Gagasnda,
Încil'de barn sembolü olarak geçen zeytin daln

Feridüddin Attar, Mantik al-Tayr, çev. Abdulbâki Gólpnarl, I Ban-

kas Kültür Yay, 2006.
*Selma Lagerlöf, Kügük Nils Holgersson'un Yaban Kazlaryla Macerala-
rn, çev. Bülent Atatanr, Bordo Siyah, 2005
tutan beyaz güvercin ya da Avrupa'da dönüleri baharn
mutulayan çevik krlangçlarn lafn bile etmiyorum.

21. yüzylda, kular bize hâlâ hangi dersleri verebilir?

Bu ksa ornitolojik' denemeler üzerinden bu can-
lilarn aslnda düünme ustalar olabileceini
kefedeceiz. Azick gözlemleme zahmetine girdii-
mizde kular bizi -evrimin tepesinde olduunu
düünerek kendini "dünyann efendisi" ilan eden bizil-
kendimiz üzerine düünmeye sevk eder. Hem sosyoloji
ve davran bilimleri çalmalarnn hem de çok eski
çalardan beri edebiyat ve mitolojide cisimletirdikleri
sembollerin eleinden geçtikten sonra acaba kular
Homo sapiens'in tavizsiz bir aynas olarak sunulamazlar
mi? Hele bu kanatl hayvanlarn bize öretecekleri
üzerine kafa yormaya zaman ayrrsak? Sosyal yaam-
larnda, kur yapma tarzlarnda, ebeveynliklerinde hatta
ykanma biçimlerinde ne gibi dersler vardr?
Kular ak nasl tasavvur eder? Sadk midrlar yoksa
çokeli mi? Dingin midirler yoksa
babo mu? Neden
bazilar iflah olmaz gezginlerken dierleri tam birer
ev kuudur? Yavrular uzun zaman büyütmek
mi iyidir
yoksa bir an önce balarnn çaresine bakabilmeleri
için onlara yardm eli uzatmak mi? Neden
kumrular
ev ilerini paylamann ahyken dövüken kular kor-
kunç birer maçodur? Kular yamura,
rüzgâra, geceye
gogüs gerer, ayn
domasn ve yldzlarn yerlerini
alacakaranla brakmasn gözlerken günlük hayat-

Ornitoloji: Ku bilimi. (e.n.)

2
larn nasl geçirirler? Olecekleri zaman saklandklar
doru mudur?
Hem son zamanlarda yaplmi aratrmalarn veri
lerine hem de tüm dünyadaki nehirler, tropikal
ormanlar ya da çöllerin rüzgârl kumullarnda uzun
saatler boyu yaptmz gözlemler ve kularla kurdu-
umuz mahrem yaknln sonuçlarna dayanan bu
düünceler bizi kanatl dünyadan alnacak baz dersler
olduuna ikna etti. Yaamn saduyulu ustalar olan
kularn, doallklar ve hafiflikleriyle bize söyleye-
cekleri çok ey var. Yeter ki onlara kulak verelim.
 1.
KENDINDEKi KIRILGANLII
KABUL ETMEK

Ordein eklipsi
 KULARIN YAAMI, bizim yaam1
TIPKI
miz gibi, küçük ölümlerden' ve yeniden
doulardan oluan envaiçeit olayla kap
lidr. Sözgelimi, tüy deitirmek: Daha güzellerini
giyinmek için tüylerini dökmek, o noktaya ulamak
için zorlu aamalardan geçmek pahasna her yl kendini
yenilemeyi örenmek demektir biraz. Bir miktar saç
ya da tüy kaybetsek de biz insanlar bu tüy dökme
dönemlerini bilmeyiz. Hâlbuki bazen tüy deitirmek
bize de lazmdr. Yaamn kimi kilit anlarnda -ak
acisi, yas, iini kaybetme, tanma- tüy yenilemek,
elbise dolabn, saç kesimini ya da yaam tarzni dei-
tirmek bizim de bavurduumuz eylerdir aslnda. Ama
pek nadir olur bu.
Yeniden domak için insann kendindeki baz eyleri
ölüme terk etmeyi bilmesi gerek. Ku, salkla parlayan
yeni tüylere karlik ypranm tüylerini dökerken
böyle yapar. Bu, onun için yaamsaldr: Tüyleri mükem-
mel durumda deilse uçamaz. Bizim için de böyledir.
Tüy deitiremememiz, geçmiten kopamamamiz, çou
kez ilerlememize ayak bai olur.
Kularda tüy deitirme dönemi krlgan bir dönem-
dir. Kimi zaman, bir süreliine uçamazlar; baz ördekler
buna örnektir. O zaman eklips tüy döneminde (plumage

La petite mort:Ortaçada "baygnlk geçirmek" anlamnda kullanl-

mi, daha sonra "ksa süreli bilinç kayb1 veya uyani" anlamna gelmi,
günümüzde özellikle "ölüme benzetilen orgazm sonras aydnlanma
yahut kendinden geçme hissi" anlamnda kullanlan deyi. (e.n.)
d'éclipse) olduklar söylenir. Dökülen baz1 asli tüylerin
yeniden çkmasn beklerken kuun kendini biraz
paranteze ald bu dönemi ifade etmek için ne ho
bir tabir. Ku krlgan olduunu bilir, ölçülü hareket
eder, hiçbir önemli ie girimez. Sabreder. Tekrar bütün
gücünü toplamak, tüm güzelliine yeniden kavumak
için yenilenmenin gerçeklemesini bekler.
Bazen biz de böyle yapmalyz.
Bizi durmadan, hiç gevemeden baari göstermeye
iten bir toplumda, hayatmizn krlgan dönemlerinde
"sarj olmak ,gücümüzü toplamak için kendimizi "göl-
gede birakmay", gereken zamani ayrmay1 artik
bilmiyoruz. Bir yas sürecindeyken, "Hayat devam edi-
yor" sözünü defalarca duymuuzdur. Bir ak acsndan
sonra, "Biri gider, biri gelir," dendiini, yoldamz olan
bir hayvan kaybetmemizin ardndan, "Sonuçta sadece
bir hayvand," lafn peki? Sanki geri çekilmeye, aci
çekmeye tam hakkmz yokmus gibi. Ama hayr, yas
tuttuktan sonra hayat ayn ekilde devam etmez. Hayr,
yitip giden ak geri gelmez. Yaam baka mutluluklar,
baka karlamalar getirir elbette ama kaybn derin
liini kabul etmemek de neyin nesi? Artk kimse bize
vakit tanimiyor, acnin iyilemesi için gereken uzun
zaman -zorunlu tüy deitirme zamanni- bahetmi-
yor.

Erkekkularn tüylerinde üreme dönemi dnda meydana gelen de-

iimleri ifade eder. Tüyler renk çeitliliini kaybeder, seyrekleir ve
özellikle ördekler geçici olarak uçmakta zorlanrlar. Bklips:
G.n.)
tutulma.

8
 Oyleyse yaarken kanatlar sk sk krilan bizlerin
uçmay bilmememizde alacak ne var? Hele ki onlar
kendi kendimize kryorsak..
Hayatmizin küçük ve büyük anlarnda tüy dök-
meye, tutulma dönemlerine izin verelim. O zaman
daha güçlü, daha güzel geri döneriz: kular gibi hafif.

9
 2
KUÇÜKBiR
DENKLiK DERSI

1'/:

Kumrularn zihinsel yükü

 ÎNSANLAR, Dii KULAR konusunda gayet
ilerine gelen ama gerçee pek de uymayan
renkli bir imge oluturmulardr. Bu imgeye
gore dii, erkein yaptui yuvada titizlik ve özveriyle
kuluçkaya yatarken, erkek bir aacn tepesinde arkilar
soyleyerek ya da herkesin gözü önünde tüylerini kabar-
tarak kurum satar. Sonrasnda, yoksull uk içinde solgun
tüylerle bezeli suskun dii, kuluçka yatan metanetle
idare ederek yavrularni aralks1z beslerken, erkek
çoktan yeni maceralara kanat açmtr.
Bu karikatürümsü imge her zaman yanl deildir.
Ördeklerde durum böyledir mesela. Erkek çou kez
rengârenktir, bilhassa ilkbaharda uzun tüyleri prl
pirildir. Diinin tüyleri ise tersine donuk, genelde
kahverengi, siyah ve beyazdr. Aslnda hanmefendinin
toprakla, dallarla, sazlarla ve yuvasn yapp kuluçkaya
yattii otlarla bütünlemesini salayan harika bir
kamuflajdr bu. Yuvasn kurarken bazen karnnda
bulunan tüylerden kopararak onu daha yumuak hale
getirir. Uç uzun hafta boyunca, baklardan rak,
kuluçkada yatar; sadece uyuan ayaklarn açmak ve
beslenmek için ksack bir süre yuvadan ayrlr. Bir
erkek sürüsüne katlm olan erkekse ilkbaharn sona
ermesinden itibaren tüy deitirmeye balayarak, bir
hassas
süreliine diininkiyle ayn tüylere bürünür. Bu
döneminde genelde uçmaktan aciz olduundan, kolay
bir avdir. Dolaysiyla bu tüy deitirme ilemi çou
kez her eyden uzakta, ücra bir köede gerçekleir.
Ama yavrular yetitirmeyi hiç mi hiç dert etmez.

13
 Bu ii hizmetçilere has mütevaz kliiyla dii üst-
lenir. Palazlar doar domaz suya götürür ve uçmay
örenmelerine kadar yanlarndan bir adm ayrlmaz.
Hep uyanktr, en küçük bir alarmda hepsine kol kanat
gerer ve yaklak on iki ufak gagay beslemek için
gereken yiyecein peine düer. Tüm gayretlerine
men, bata on ila on iki palazdan oluan kuluçka
ra
yatann nüfusu, avcilarn ard arkas kesilmez saldi
rilaryla azalr. Genç ördekler uçabilecek seviyeye
geldiklerinde saylar genelde ikiyi üçü geçmez, bazense
hiç yavru kalmaz.. Bir kez gençler özgürlüklerine
kavutu mu, dii de çabucak tüy deitirmek zorun-
dadr zira pek çok tür için ylk döngünün bir parçasn
oluturan göç dörtnala yaklamaktadr. Bunlarn hepsi
birkaç hafta içinde tamamlanm olmaldr. Bu çalma
onu zayf düürdüünden hayatta kalma ans, yolda-
ndan daha düüktür. O yüzden kimi ördek türlerinde
erkeklerin saysnn diilerinkinden fazla olmas
ar-
tici deildir.

Dii ördein hayat verdii bu kendini adam e figü-

rünün tersine, çok daha az bilinen (sahiden de doada
çok daha az görülen), harekât yöneten bir
dii figürü
vardr. Bu durumlarda hanmn talimatlarn yerine
getiren erkektir. Uzun bacakl küçük kular grubunu
k1zlbacak kuu, suçulluu, yamurcun, kumkuu vs.),
göç sirasnda ya da klar bizim taraftaki
çamurlu,

Kaz, ördek, güvercin vb. baz ku yavrularnn civcivlikten sonraki

durumu. (G.n.)

14
kayalk veya kumlu kiy boylarnda gördüümüz tüm
bu "kumsal müdavimleri'"ni oluturan yamur kula-
rnin geni ailesinde isler böyle yürür. Erkein her eyi
yaptii bu türler arasnda, çullukgiller familyasn
(phalaropes) ve da clbitn sayabiliriz. Ilk gruptakiler
pek az bilinen kulardr. Bunlar arktik tundrayat yuva
yapar ve üreme donemi biter bitmez hayatlarinn geri
kalanni geçirmek üzere açk denize kanat çrparlar.
Bu, kara kular için kesinlikle dikkat çekici bir durum-
dur. Yamurcuna yakn olan da clbt da yine güzel
bir Arktika"" türüdür. Göçleri onlar k döneminde
Kuzey Afrika ve Ortadou'ya doru götürür. Insanlara
kar bilhassa pek yabani olmamalaryla tannrlar.
(Tundrann enginliinde neden öyle olsunlar?)
Bu türlerde, genelde erkee düen rolü dii oynar.
Nitekim çiftleme döneminde en renkli tüylere o
sahiptir. Erkein tüylerininse özel bir lts yoktur.
Eleecei bir ya da birçok erkei seçerek, tüm çiftleme
törenini idare eden odur. Kovalamacalardan, diiler
arasnda yaplan yalandan kavgalardan, erkein etra-
finda çalm satmaktan oluan batan çkarma oyunlarn
çukur
dii yönetir. Ardndan, yuva görevi görecek biryumur-
kazma iine öyle böyle yardm ettikten sonra
talarin brakr ve... Gider. Yaklak üç hafta boyunca
kuluçkaya yatmak erkein vazifesidir. Tüm oymai,

çok sert bir iklime sa-

Kutuplara doru, orman Snrlarnn ötesinde
hip alanlar. (G.n)
Dairesi'nin üstünde kalan
"Grand nord (High north): Kuzey Kutup
bölge. G.n.)

15
yalniz ve bekâr erkek yetitirmek zorundadr. Bazen
diinin geri döndüü ve bir tehlike ba gösterdiinde
kuluçka yatan korumak için alarm verme görevini
üstlendii olur. Gelgelelim, gelip iine burnunu sok-
masndan pek holanmayan erkek, çou kez diiyi
kovar. Civcivler yumurtadan çkp bir ebeveynin idaresi
altinda tek balarna beslenebilecek hale geldikten ksa
bir süre sonra yuvadan ayrilrlar. Bu ebeveyn ekseriyetle
erkek olur. Brkek rolünü yürekten oynasa bile belki
de bir dii kadar sebatkâr olmadina inanmak gerek
çünkü çounlukla yavruyu, uçabilecek güce kavuma
dan terk eder.

Bazi kular tarafndan benimsenen özgün baka bir

çözüm vardr. Biri erkek, dieri dii için iki kuluçka
yatai... Böylece her biri kendisininkinde banin çare-
sine bakar! Arktika'daki baz kiy koarlarnda durum
budur. Mesela kumkuu türünde "evlilik hayat ta
çatlasa birkaç hafta sürer. Dii, bir erkekle (bazen bir-
çok erkekle) çiftleince önce bir yuvaya ilk yumurtalar
koyar, sonra baka bir yuvaya ikinci yumurtalar koyar
ve ardndan çiftlerden her biri kendi köesinde
yuvayi
ve söz konusu kuluçka yatan tek
bana igal eder.
Bu ailelerde neden tek ebeveynliin
olduu sorgula-
nabilir. Cevap oldukça basittir: Bu
kular nihayetinde,
besin aramak için uygun zaman
aralnn ve elverili
hava koullarnn ksa sürdüü bu kuzey enlemlerinde
çok az kalrlar. Böylece, bu türler yumurtalar
ikiye
ayrip her birini bir ebeveyne birakmak suretiyle

16
hareket etmeden geçirdikleri süreyi en iyi ekilde ayar
layip özellikle de üremenin baarl olma ansn
artrrlar.

Ama bu örnekler norm oluturmaz.

Kuluçkada en yaygn görülen uygulama, nöbetlee
yöntemidir. Bu da üphesiz, yavrularn hayatta kalma
süresi bakmndan en iyi stratejidir. Iki elin sesi vardir.
Dolaysiyla kumrular bilinçli olarak tekelidir ve femi-
nist bir modeli cisimletiriyor olabilirler!
Kumrularda, çiftler görevleri tamamen dengeli pay
larlar. Yardmlama anahtar sözcüktür. Erkek yuva
için dal ve çal çrp toplama iini üstlenirken dii
yuvay kurmak için gerekli malzemeleri bir araya geti-
rir. Ayni ey kuluçkaya yattklarnda da geçerlidir.
Erkek ve dii iki yumurtann üzerine gece ve gündüz
nöbetlee yatarlar. Her ikisi de yavrular iki hafta sonra
uçacak duruma gelinceye kadar beslerler. Bu düzenli
nöbetlee yöntemiyle kumrular, gerçek bir ekip
olutururlar.
Bu kusursuz dayanmanin açklamas, yuvadaki
kumru yavrularnn sk sk yrticlarn kurban olmas
ve kendisi de son derece narin olan yuvann kötü hava
koullarna çok dayanamamasdr. Yuvadaki yavrular
kendi balarna geliim süreçlerini tamamlayamaya-
caklarndan ie el atmak gerekir. Tekeli, birlik olmu
bir çift bu duruma iyi bir yanttur. Hatta öyle iyidir ki
yumurtalardan çkan yavrular sa salim uçacak duruma
gelirlerse yetikinler birkaç gün sonra ayn sürece

17
yeniden balarlar. Eer her ey yolunda giderse kum-
rularn kn son günleriyle sonbaharn ilk günleri
arasnda baaryla pek çok kez üredikleri görülür.

Kisacas kular, görevlerin erkek ile dii arasnda pay-

latrlmas konusunda mümkün tüm stratejileri
sergilemektedirler. Bu hayvanlarda sadece eril bilinci
düzenleyen ve baz maço davranlar hakl göstere-
bilecek taraf alkoymak, süphesiz kendini aklamak
için kullanlan baya bir stratejidir.. Natüralist yazar-
larn (erkek olduklarn belirtmeye gerek var mi?)
kendini yuvasna adayan ve hatta yüzüstü birakld
inda, evlatlarnn ömrü olsun diye kendini kurban
etmekte duraksamayan diiyi resmeden pastoral bir
gorüü göklere çikardklar baz eski metinleri okumak
kâfidir.
Kukusuz, baz türlerin tersi rolü oynad belki
henüz bilinmiyordu ama o zamandan beri bu keifler
yine de geni ölçüde bilinirlik kazanmamtr!
O halde eer aklda tutulacak bir ey varsa o da
kularn büyük bölümünün bu görev paylamini en
uygun çözüm olarak gördüüdür. Hem de kukusuz
bizden çok daha önce!

18
 3
iYi ALIKANLIKLAR
SANATI

Kular bize gündelik hayatn güzelliini

ögrettiinde
 KULAR ALIKANLIKLARA GÖRE yaayan
varliklardr. Yemenin bir zaman, içmenin
bir zaman, kestirmenin bir zamani vardr;
batan çikarmann, üremenin, gençleri yetitirmenin
mevsimi bellidir, yerleik olmayanlar yln belirli
dönemlerinde göç ederler, vesaire. Yaam döngüleri
iyi düzenlenmi, kesin bir emaya riayet eder. Ama bu
alkanliklar donmu ritüellerin iareti olmaktan çok,
doann ritmini takip eden bir harekettir: Güne'in
yil boyunca saati deien douu ve bat, Ay'in evre-
lerinin vurguladi az çok parlak geceler... Hava
durumuna ve mevsime göre sürekli gözlenen deiim-
leri saymiyorum bile! Yamur, rüzgâr, sicak dalgas,
sis, firtna: Darda yaayanlar için hayat "rutin"
olmaktan çok uzaktr! Kular, iyisiyle kötüsüyle her
yeni güne, her yeni günün getirdiklerine uyum gös-
termek zorundadr.
Ornein fazla yamur ve rüzgår sevmediklerini
bilmek gerekir. Böyle zamanlarda uçtuklarn görmez-
siniz. Artk hiçbir ey duymak istemiyormuçasna bir
aacn dibine saklanr ya da yaprak ynina sinrlar.
Tavuu olanlar bunu gayet iyi bilir. Yamur ya da kar
yaiyorsa gagalarn kümesten çikarmazlar. Bazen
günler boyu tüneyip akl hastalar misali donuk göz-
lerle kötü havann geçmesini beklerler. Hava biraz açt
mi bir bakmsnz hepsi dar çkm çöpleniyor,
hoplaya zplaya güzel havadan istifade ediyor!
Hayatlarmz bazen monotonmu gibi görünüyorsa
(su ünlü "metro-i-uyku") sebebi, önümüzde bilgisa-

21
yarlarm1z, bürolarmiza kapanm halde mevsimlerin
geçit törenini kaçrmamizdr. Bu durumda zaman geçer,
akp gider, solarak ölür. Yerleik yaayan çoumuz için
hayat saatlerce manastura kapanm gibi geçerken, her
günün, her saatin, her dakikann sunduu sürprizlerle
temasmiz kalmaz. Gözlerimizi bozan ekran tarafndan
yutulmu halde, kisa sabah saanan pencereden ya
fark ederiz ya etmeyiz. Ne gücünü artran rüzgâr ne
de günein tenimizi yumuakça okayn hissederiz.
Uzak bir akrabamiz telefonda, "Sizin orada havalar
nasil?" diye sorduunda bu kadar az dikkat ettiimiz-
den neredeyse utanriz. "Dur, bir bakaym pencereden...
Bvet, biraz bulutlu hava..." Daha ilkbaharn tadn
çikarmaya zaman bulamadan çoktan sonbahar gelmi-
tir. Hepsi birbirine benzeyen günlerin ritminde her
ey imek hzyla olup biter, ne otlarn bittiini ne
çiçeklerin açtun ne de üzümlerin günete tatlandin
görürüz. Krlangçlar tellerin üzerinde toplanr ve uzun
göç için yola koyulurlar. Bu islah olmaz gezginler koca
k ortadan kaybolurlar; peki, onlarn gökyüzünüterk
ettiini görür müyüz? Cviltilarnn kaybolduu dik-
katimizi çeker mi? Hayr. Bari önümüzdeki ilkbahar
geri döndüklerini fark edecek miyiz? Kukusuz git-
tiklerinde olduundan daha fazla deil.
Ama açk havada çalanlar, tpk hayvanlar gibi
diarda yaayanlar, krlangçlarn gidiini de geliini
de görürler. Çallklar
kartran ötleen ve çalkuu
gibi, zamana iaretler koyan küçük olaylara
tank olur-
lar. Yaamn monoton
olmadn bilirler. Bulutlar
inceleyen, yamuru kollayan çiftçi, ormanc, denizci,

22
da rehberi: Doal olaylar karsnda çou kez yol
deitirmek, tahmin yürütmek ve iler istendii gibi
gitmediinde bazen de sadece homurdanmak duru
munda kalrlar. Diar çktumz andan itibaren, hayat
daha beklenmediktir. Ama olaylarn istikrarszlyla
her gün karlamak durumunda kalnca insann kendi
küçük alkanlklarn kefetmesi de bir o kadar keyif
lidir. On birde içilen kahve, pazar akam seyredilen
film kadar rahatlaticidr. Zararl alkanlklar sknt
dourur ve yaamlarmiza tasa verir, bizi hapsedip ele
geçirir, katlatrr ama dier alkanlklarn hakikaten
meziyetleri vardr. Yaamlarmz yapilandrp zamana
ritim verirler. Bu alkanlklar, tupki güzel anilarla
ayrildii bir yere yeniden kavumay seven insan igin
olduu gibi, her yl ayn yere yuvasn yapmaya gelen
ku için de elzemdir. Ongörülmeyen eylerle dolu bir
yaamda alkanlk, bir demirleme yeri, bir yol gösterici,
bir iaret noktas haline gelir. Ev kuu olmakla suçla-
namayacak en büyük serüvencilerin bile seyahate
çktklarnda uyguladklar küçük ritüelleri vardr.

Oyleyse kulardan aldimz tek bir dersi aklmizda

tutacaksak bu ders hiç kukusuz u olacaktr: heye-
canlar ve öngörülmeyen olaylar bakmndan daha
zengin bir yaam için doayla yeniden irtibat
kurmak!
Acaba küçük rutinlerimiz arasna bizi çevreleyen
dünyay sk sk gözlemleme alkanln katyor
muyuz? Çevremize kapal olmamak, onunla
bütün
etkileimlerimizi daha iyi hissetmek için duyularmiz,

23
gözlerimizi, burnumuzu, kulaklarmiz keskinletiriyor
muyuz? Bir kuun süzülüünü seyretmek, krlangç-
larn civiltlarn, karatavuun flütsü arksn duymaya
zaman ayrmak, alaca bayku esrarl ötüüyle sessizlii
bölerken ufukta beliren kocaman, güzel dolunay gör-
mek için gece kalkmak... iirin hayatmza dalmasna
izin verdiimiz an, tekdüzelie elveda deriz.

24
 YÖN BULMA DUYUMUZA
NE YAPTIK?

Mogollar, denizçullugu ve guguk kuu

 HAZIRAN 2016: GEZEGENIN en ücra ve
en düman yerlerinden biri olan Moolis-
tan'daki Gobi Çölü'nün derinliklerinde bir
yer. Be Fransz ve altu Mool'dan müteekkil bir sefer
heyeti. GPS'in bulunmadi, cep telefonu kullanmann
imkân dâhilinde olmadi araçlardayz. Radyo yayn
alamiyoruz. Ustelik haritamiz da yok. Ne ie yaraya
caklar ki zaten? Yol yok. Insanlar kilavuzluk ediyor
bize, sadece insanlar. Elbette Moollar. Avrupallarn
gözünden tamamen kaçan da ekillerinde, doann
ince ayrintilarnda yerlerini tespit ediyorlar. Zira
burada, on binlerce metrekarelik alanda, te pelerin
dalgalanmasndan, da zirvelerinin oluturduu çiz-
gilerden, çakl talaryla kapl engin ovalardan,
boazlarda kaybolan bir sürü derecikten baka bir ey
yok. Her ey birbirine benziyor ve Batl göz hiçbir
seyi belleine yerletiremiyor, rehberlik edecek hiçbir
ey saptayamiyor. Yalnz bamiza çoktan kaybolmu
olurduk.
Bir akam, sonsuzca birbirini kesen eski patikalar
fark ettiimizde, sefer heyetinin Mool lideri kendin-
den son derece emin, oföre nereden geçeceimizi
iaret ediyor. Çölde yolunu ne kadar kolay bulduunu
görünce meraka kaplp, "Buraya en son ne zaman
gelmitin?" diye soruyoruz. "Yirmi sene oldu," diye
cevap veriyor liderimiz. Kamyonda ta kesen bir
ses-
iki
sizlik. Yine de asla yolu armadk. Bire bir ayn
tuttuktan
dan arasndaki benzer bir patika yolugöle vardk.
sonra, kysnda geceyi geçireceimiz

27
Yeryüzündeki baka baz nadir halklar gibi, göçebe
Moollar da göçmen kular misali derinlere demir
atmi içgüdüsel yol bulma duyularn muhafaza etmi-
ler. Oysa biz zavall Batullar bu duyular ne yaptuk?

Moollar gibi kularn da ne pusulas ne GPS'i ne de

haritas vardr. Bununla beraber hepsine birden
sahiptirler.
Kiy çamurçulluunu ele alalm. Kervançulluuna
yakn bir tür olan, ("çamurda, balçkta yaadi için
kumkuu [limicolae] ad da verilen) bu küçük ky koar
yaamn bataklklarda, haliçlerde geçirir ve ilkbaharda,
Arktika'ya yuva yapmaya gider. Bu türün Alaska ile
Yeni Zelanda arasn, yani on bir bin be yüz kilomet-
reden fazla bir mesafeyi bir çrpida aabildii, uydu
takip sistemi yerletirilen bir ku sayesinde kefedil-
mitir...Saatte yetmi kilometre hizla tam bir hafta
uçmak! Iki yüz elli gram arlnda bir canlidan bah-
sediyoruz... Ve kiy çamurçulluu, bu molasz uçu
boyunca beyninin sadece yarisn devre d brakarak
uyur. Bir an bu ekilde uyuduumuzu hayal edelim:
Beynin bir küresi uykudayken, dieri akll telefonla
oynuyor ya da araba sürüyor..
Guguk kuundaysa yolculuk doutandr. Kendisiyle
ilgilenecek ebeveynleri olmadindan gözlerini
baka
birinin yuvasnda açmtr. Ve güzel bir temmuz akami,
daha önceden hiçbir tecrübesi
olmad halde Afrika'ya
doru kanat açp geceleri yolculuk eder. Hiç ayak bas-
madii, doduu bölgeye dönmeden önce alt ay

28
kalacai uçsuz bucaksz bir Afrika ekvator ormanna
nasl olur da ular? Bu kular sahip olmadmiz ya
da belki yitirdiimiz hangi duyuya sahipler?

Moollar ve göçmen kularn aksine, bizler yön bulma

duyumuzu tamamen kaybettik. Manzaray, yldzlar,
doay okumay bilmiyoruz artk. Hepsi çevremizin
dilsiz dekorlar haline geldi. GPS'ten çkan mekanik
bir sesin talimatlarn izleyerek yürüyen ya da gezinen
görmez görenleriz biz. Yönümüzü bulmak gibi asli bir
ii bakalarna, daha da kötüsü, makinelere emanet
ettik. Evimizden sadece elli kilometre uzakta, yol sorma
ya da bir haritaya müracaat etme imkânmiz olmadan
doann ortasna braklsaydk ne yapardk acaba? Bir
ihtimal doru yolu buluncaya dek ne kadar zaman
babos dolardk? Bu yüzden seyahatin en önemli
tarafn, bizi güçlü insanlar klan eyi kaybetmiyor
muyuz? Temel yolunu bulma, kendi bamiza doru
yönde ilerleme kapasitesi. Artk gerçekten yolunu
bulmay bilmeyen bizlerin, özel yaamlarmizda ken-
dimizi sk sk biraz kaybolmu hissetmemizde alacak
ne var? Her eyi bildiimiz, her eye hâkim olduumuz
iddiasndayz ama doada, hem de "medenilemi"
doada, bir yavru ku kadar savunmasz1z.

Moollar gibi, uçsuz bucakS1z bir çöl ya da ormanda

yollarn bulabilen halklar dünyada hâalâ varlar ama
saylar iyice azald. Kukusuz beynimiz yön güdüsü
bakmndan, ky çamurçulluununki ya da guguk

29
kuununki kadar gelimi deil. Olsun. Yine de yldzlar
sayesinde, hatta neden olmasn, günein polarize in
analiz ederek bir yolu izleyebilmeliyiz.
Bu asli duyuyu hakikaten yitirdik mi? icap etti-
ginde insan birkaç günde, birkaç ayda, birkaç nesilde
bu arkaik içgüdüiyü uyandrabilir mi? Bunu nasl bile-
biliriz? Bugün, en düük fiyata bir uçak bileti
bulduumuzda "nasl gideceimizi dert etmeden,
keyif için seyahat ediyoruz. Artk neredeyse tama-
men mahrumn kaldm1z bir duyu pahasna
mesafeleri, dolaysiyla zaman ortadan kaldryoruz.
Bir kiy çamurçulluu uçarken, Pasifik Okyanu-
su'nun üzerinde, gökyüzüile deniz arasnda yedi gün
boyunca ne düünür? Onun zaman nasl akar acaba?
Bir gün hzn keser, alçalr, yere yaklar ve her eyin
birbirine benzedii, Yüksek Arktika'daki bataklklarn
ve nehirlerin oluturduu labirenti görmeye
balar.
Nihayet, yorgun argn, tam geçen sene yuvasni yapti8
yere konar.
Bugün biz çamurçulluklarnn ya da denizkrlan-
8Içlarnn uçuundan çok daha hizl yer deitiriyoruz
ama hakiki ilerleme nerede?

Oyleyse guguk kuunu ve tüm

dier göçmen kular
yola çkarann ne olduu kim biliyor?
Önemli olan,
yer deitirmelerimizin "neden"i ya da
"nasl"i mi?
Kendi yazlk "göçlerimizden" önce
rehberleri, harita-
lar, interneti inceliyoruz; yolculuumuz
boyunca
radyo, GPS, yol iaret sistemi,
ksacas bizi doru yolda
tutacak tüm cephane elimizin altnda. Göçmen

30
Another random document with
no related content on Scribd:
aide-de-camp. Olga remarked later to us sisters that the only regret
she had was that the peasant had not been thrown out long before
this.
Father never liked nor believed in the Starets and neither did we
girls. Even Alexei was doubtful about the peasant’s honesty. In our
presence, Rasputin was always respectful and unobtrusive. Mother,
however, was convinced that Alexei’s life during his most severe
attacks was saved by Rasputin’s prayers. Mother was impressed by
the man’s simple common sense. He had such a saintly approach
that Mother believed that he was a man sent by God. Most of the
messages from Rasputin had come to Mother through Anna. It was
at Anna’s house that Mother saw this wandering monk and their
conversation was always about religion. There was little doubt that
he was a healer of a sort which some Christian Churches have
always known and recognized. However, many discounted
Rasputin’s healing claims by explaining that he always came into the
picture when Alexei was already on the way to recovery. When
Alexei was previously ill, because some one inserted into his lower
body some kind of serum which caused him untold suffering and
many sleepless nights, Rasputin was blamed for it. It was Rasputin
who made all the nurses and maids go to confess at the church as a
result of which it was found that someone close to the family was
responsible for this illness.
The attacks Alexei suffered had become fewer and less serious. My
parents were hopeful Alexei would eventually outgrow his trouble.
Alexei was often puzzled about Rasputin, whom he considered to be
a healer. One day he asked, “Tell me, Mommy, why is it that God
listens to the peasant’s prayers, but not to mine.” Mother honestly
believed that Rasputin was sent to save her son. Under similar
circumstances any mother would have felt the same.
On another occasion we had Father Vassiliev as our guest. Alexei
was just getting over a bad cold. He asked why people said that the
peasant was a saint. Papa replied that he would rather have Father
Vassiliev explain this to Alexei. The clergyman answered that
anyone who does good and lives according to the Holy Scriptures
could be a saint. “Then what shall I do that God will listen to my
prayers?” asked Alexei.
Father Vassiliev of the Feodorovsky Sobor taught Alexei religion.
Alexei was deeply attached to his instructor, who was very religious,
had a kind heart, loved people, made friends easily and was loyal
and defended them when they were in trouble. Alexei was bright,
lively, had a quick mind, delicate features, a white, clear complexion
and coppery, auburn hair. In secret among the family he was called
“Ruchka” (the hand). This he knew, although we did not at first know
it.
 XI
OUR LAST AUTUMN IN TSARSKOE SELO
The fall of 1916 was a beautiful one, with the brilliant flames of
orange oak and russet beech trees, elms and avenues of lime trees
all fused harmoniously as in a painting. It was our last autumn in
Tsarskoe Selo. Again, Alexei joined his Father at G.H.Q. and both
went to review the troops at the front. As usual, Father inspected the
field kitchens and tasted the food to be sure that it was kept up to the
prescribed standards. Then they visited the hospitals in Kiev, at the
same time spending several days with Granny who had been living
there in the palace near the beautiful Dnieper river for the duration of
the war, in order to be near her daughter Olga.
Upon their return to G.H.Q., Alexei sent a note home to say that
Father was distressed after having had a talk with Granny; she had
changed. Alexei, although a child, was conscious of the fact that this
disquieting conversation stemmed from Ruchka’s illness and the
peasant. Granny did not know that Alexei knew that in secret he was
called “Ruchka”. There were other relatives present at this
discussion, one of them being Uncle Sandro (Alexander
Mikhailovich). He was the head of military aviation and was stationed
in Kiev.
During this conversation, Aunt Olga defended Alicky (Mother)
whereas Granny blamed everything on her. Grandmother openly
predicted then that all would end in disaster. Alexei promised Mother
that he would never cause Father trouble, and would be careful of
his own health. He told us later that he had cried on the train while
Father was in his study, and that he no longer loved his Granny as
he used to. At this time Aunt Olga was happily remarried. Her
husband was the handsome officer of the Guard whom she had
known for a long time, Colonel Nicholai Koulikovsky.
Soon Mother and we sisters went on another tour to the hospitals
and were greeted enthusiastically everywhere. We received big
donations for the hospitals. During this tour we stopped for a several
days’ visit with Father. This was to be our last trip to G.H.Q. We
knew right away that something connected with Rasputin was
troubling Father, as a result of his last visit to Kiev.
Now Father asked Granny to leave for the Crimea in order to end the
gossip, which without Granny’s encouragement would never have
taken place. Later even Olga wrote her asking for God’s sake to
leave for the Crimea. But all was in vain.
At this time Uncle Sandro, the husband of Aunt Xenia, proposed to
Father that he should promulgate the constitution on his name day,
December 6th, but Father said it was impossible because at the
coronation he had sworn on the Bible to uphold the autocracy.
Now we already knew of the plan to assassinate Mother, Father and
many of his aides, especially Prince Dolgorukov, Captain Nilov,
A.D.C. Mordvinov, Count Fredericks and others. It was organized in
Kiev by Guchkov. Granny and the Grand Duke Nicholai Nicholaevich
in Caucasia supported the idea, but Granny confessed to Father,
during her last conversation with him, that she did not know that the
Guchkov plan was to assassinate Father and the others. She
believed that they were working towards Father’s abdicating the
throne to the Grand Duke Nicholai Nicholaevich.
The former Governor of Mogilev, Mr. Pelts, who let my Father use his
residence, and others also warned Father of the plot and told him
that many officers were approached by Guchkov to carry out the
mass murder but they all refused. The secret police were to close in
on Guchkov but Father wanted to have more proof. On this visit
Granny wanted us children to come to Kiev, but we feared that the
murder might be committed while we were away. After the abdication
and before Father left Mogilev, Granny came on her train to Mogilev.
Even then she blamed the abdication on Mother. Then Father asked
her whether she knew of the plan to assassinate him and Alicky, his
wife. She cried that she had not known of the plan to murder but had
encouraged the abdication. With these words they parted forever. No
matter what, Father was condemned from the day of Lenin’s
brother’s execution during the reign of Alexander III, and also from
the day of the execution of Trotsky’s brother who was connected with
one of the most dangerous revolutionary organizations during the
Japanese war.
Father occupied a section of one floor in the Governor’s home in
Mogilev. Built on a wooded hill, it enjoyed a magnificent view of the
broad Dnieper River. Father had two large rooms, one being the
bedroom he shared with Alexei. In it, two iron beds stood side by
side, separated by a little table on which was a Bible and an icon.
There were also a mahogany dressing table, a wash stand, a settee,
and a bookcase. The windows of this room faced the river on one
side, the garden and the parade grounds on the other. The adjoining
room was Father’s office with windows facing the parade grounds. It
held a large Victorian desk fully equipped, some photographs of the
family, several barometers and a floor lamp; also Alexei’s desk used
for his school work, a settee, and a bookcase. Next to the office was
a large anteroom with two big portraits of Father and Mother, plus a
couch, a piano, and numerous chairs. Next was a large, gloomy
dining room. The entire suite had parquet floors and fine carpets.
Some of the upper and lower floors were occupied by Father’s staff:
General Voyeykov, Count Benckendorff, Prince Vasily Dolgorukov,
A.D.C. Nilov, Dr. Fedorov and Dr. Derevenko, now in charge of
Alexei; Prince Igor Constantinovich often came here. With Father
was also General Dubensky, a friend of the Grand Duke Dimitri,
Count Sheremetiev, A.D.C. Drenteln, and others. Father was
accompanied by his rather numerous military escorts and by his tall
bodyguard Dendeniev, a Cossack officer, who almost always was at
his side. This officer could fire at the smallest flying object in the air
without ever missing one shot. Also present was Father’s personal
guard, Polupanov.
In Mogilev, we took some short trips, sometimes driving to the
beautiful Archayerevsky woods; or we walked in the deep snow,
while Alexei played in the park with young cadets.
At some distance from the Governor’s home under the pine trees
was the Army field chapel. The General Staff office was within a
short distance of the house. Due to the shortage of houses, all
government buildings and some private residences were converted
into living quarters for the military staff and hospitals. In the winter
Father had his luncheons in the dining room at the Governor’s
house. The General Staff officers and officers on duty from the front
were usually asked to join him at the noon meal. At these meals no
military business was discussed. Discussions of such matters took
place every morning in the Supreme Command office near by.
Father disliked sitting at the table longer than necessary and, as
soon as the meal was over, he rose from the table and his guests
followed. During the summer, the luncheons were held in a large tent
on a hill in the pine woods.
In the evening, when we were there, Father tried to be with us on our
train. He poured the tea himself with only the family present. Father’s
train stood on a sidetrack in the woods, his study was at the end and
two strong Cossacks stood always on guard.
On one visit, we saw General Hanbury-Williams. He spoke to us
about his children, especially his two sons who were actively
engaged in the war. The General and Alexei became great friends.
He and General Rickel both spoke to Mother about the boy, saying
that his presence made them forget about the war and that Mother
should leave him in Mogilev. My brother remained at G.H.Q. General
Hanbury-Williams was often invited to dinner with Father and Alexei.
We left Mogilev. When we arrived at Tsarskoe Selo, we found one of
Mother’s ladies in waiting, Princess Sonia Orbeliani, critically ill. This
young friend of ours had suffered some years earlier a back injury
caused by a fall from her horse. Now the spine began to trouble her
seriously. In the end she was totally paralyzed. We had a special
nurse for her, and she continued to stay in our house. Her room
adjoined our rooms, and Mother went to see her every night to make
sure that she was comfortable. Having her in our home caused a
great deal of jealousy among the other ladies in waiting and our staff.
Sonia, herself, was jealous of Anna Vyrubova, who in turn quarrelled
with her. Poor Sonia was still young when she left the world. Several
times during her illness, before the war, we took her to the Crimea
and we sisters pushed her about in her wheel chair. Fortunately for
her she passed away quietly before the fear of devastation settled
over our family. Father returned home with Alexei just in time to
attend Sonia’s funeral.
Father was home for a few days only. He wanted to have a quiet
evening with just the family. Anna invited herself the very first
evening. This upset Mother so much that she said exasperatedly, “I
hope Anna can live one day without seeing me!”
We sisters and brother left Mother’s room early, hoping that Anna
would do the same, but Mother told us the next morning that Anna
had continued to stay until very late. Father told Olga that after the
Christmas holidays, he would keep Alexei at G.H.Q. most of the time
in order to avoid having Rasputin called in the event Alexei should
become ill.
While home Father told us of a report that in one of the military
hospitals a wounded soldier who had been decorated for his bravery
with the St. George Cross—one of the highest decorations in the
Russian army—had asked for and received photographs
autographed by each member of the Imperial family. After he was
discharged from the hospital, in his bedside table drawer was found
a German code. It was intended to use the pictures signed by us in
propaganda leaflets which were to be dropped in the Russian
trenches. This soldier was identified and he confessed. There were
important names involved in the plot. He was executed, and his
Latvian mother was placed under surveillance.
Meantime Father investigated everything in the palace. To his great
dismay and disappointment, he found disloyalty. German machine
guns were found hidden near Peterhof, and in the outskirts of our
farms at Dudendorff near the Swiss chalet. No one knew how these
were smuggled in. Our own family was now being exposed to
danger. The propaganda having failed at the front, it started to
penetrate into homes, schools, hospitals and elsewhere. One day a
folder was found on our library table. The headline said, “Germans
are killing the Russian peasants, confiscating their cattle and taking
everything for themselves.” The article went on to say that Mother
was a spy and was collaborating with German agents. How this
folder came to be placed on the table remained a mystery. Mother’s
real sorrow was that now Russia had begun to believe these
unfounded lies. At this time, King George of England wanted Mother
to come to Sandringham for a rest, but she refused to hear of it. “I
shall rest when the war is over,” she said.
Father also discovered that many peacetime guards had been
removed from duty at the palace and sent to the front without his
knowledge, leaving the palace guard insufficiently manned. Father
ordered additional guards to be sent from the mixed regiments but
his orders were disobeyed. Instead, revolutionists were assigned to
guard the palace.
The last time we saw Granny was in Kiev some weeks before
Christmas of 1916.
Our last trip to inspect hospitals was shortly before Christmas.
Accompanying us was Anna Vyrubova. More and more we
discovered how much, under a superficial politeness, Anna was
hated. She was aware that her friendship with Mother caused Mother
a great deal of suffering. It was at this time that we went to the old
city of Novgorod. At the station we were met by the Governor with
bread and salt and his family presented us with flowers; greetings
came from a squadron of Mother’s own Uhlan Guards. Both sides of
the streets were lined with military men, school children, and
civilians. With cheers and “ura” they threw their caps into the air,
waved their handkerchiefs, and pelted our limousines with flowers.
At last we reached the cathedral where special carpets were
stretched and the church was packed with well-wishers. Princes Igor
Constantinovich and Andrei Alexandrovich came from nearby. At
luncheon Igor remarked, “The people most assuredly displayed great
joy and devotion to you.”
In the afternoon we went to the hospital and Mother was touched by
the kind reception. It gave her courage and strength. To everybody’s
surprise she was able to walk to the second floor to see the sick
men. Here, too, we were given money to aid the wounded. At
twilight, with music, our automobiles were escorted to the station.
We reached home late that night. This trip gave Mother a lift and
confidence and for days she carried a smile of contentment, thanks
to the people of Novgorod.
The Christmas of 1916 stands out brilliantly in contrast to the
Christmas that followed. None of the secret joy was missing. Before
the war, when still quite young, we children used to be sent on a long
drive as the Christmas Eve dusk gathered. Oh, the thrill of watching
the daylight merge into night’s cocoon, knowing the excitement that
would come with darkness! At last the drive was over and we stood
on the very threshold of the mysterious room where Christmas Eve
was to be celebrated. From somewhere nearby Christmas carols
were wafted up to us. As the door opened, there stood the glittering
tree, each year more beautiful than any before. The room was filled
with people: family, friends, and the palace staff. From the highest to
the most humble servant, everyone gathered around the tree. Each
was remembered with a gift, no one was forgotten. For weeks my
sisters, with the help of ladies of the court, had wrapped the
presents, each looking like a gleaming jewel. The day before
Christmas, most Russians take no food, only water, until the first star
appears in the heavens. This year, in the early morning, we went to a
service at the Feodorovsky Sobor, and at dawn the Christmas trees
were lighted for us, the officers and the guard. We sisters had helped
to decorate the trees.
The fast was followed by the Christmas Eve dinner of twelve
courses, representing the Twelve Apostles. No meat was served, but
there were many kinds of fish, each course having a symbolic
meaning. There were hors d’oeuvre, soup, mushrooms, fruit and
nuts, etc.
We decided to keep our own tree, set up on the second floor, until
late after the New Year. The flames of war and intrigue hissed and
sizzled but could not outshine the glow of Christmas. First of all there
were plans for the hospitals and orphanages, great effort being put
into the personal cheer of each invalid and needy person. There
were sparkling trees decorated by Mother’s own hands, with white
and silver ornaments. With the hospitals full of wounded men and
the tense condition at the front, every one made a special effort to
effect a semblance of gaiety. On Christmas day, in the early
afternoon, the tree was lighted for the Guard, the regimental
orchestra played, and the Cossacks danced and sang. Everyone
stood around the tree and Olga, acting for Mother, presented the
gifts. Our gifts were usually simple and useful.
Although that Christmas had the familiar setting, it did not have the
customary joyous spirit. First of all, Father’s duties claimed his time
with heavy responsibilities. I remember that the day before his
departure for Mogilev, he was discouraged and upset. He had a long
talk with Olga in his study before he left. Asking her to persuade
Mother in some way that she should not write him daily long letters,
he relied on the help of our oldest sister. For these letters, telling
Father what should be done, were resented by him. He was
especially annoyed when Anna sent along her own naive
suggestions; these he called stupid. “Everyone is issuing orders and
I have to listen to them,” he said. He also asked Mother not to talk
with her friends regarding matters they knew nothing about. That, he
pointed out, was the Ministers’ business and no one else’s. Father
himself had asked Mother not to do this. He was tired and worried
about the things she mentioned, long before she was aware of the
fact that Father’s replies to her were short and concise. Mother felt
surprise that he made no comment on what she had written. Then
she decided to go and see Father in Mogilev.
Mother was a great thinker and a reader of scientific books, natural
science, religion and astronomy. She could solve the hardest
mathematical problems. She spent many hours in her small library
next to her sitting room, reading her rare books on Indian philosophy,
given her by the Grand Duchess Anastasia Nicholaevna, the
divorced wife of the Duke of Leuchtenberg and later the wife of the
Grand Duke Nicholai Nicholaevich, who himself was also a scholar
of Persian and Indian history. Mother never wasted one minute.
Everyday she spent many hours with her secretary on reports. Her
mail was enormous. She wrote beautifully and her letters were sad
and touching. She cared little for wealth. She left behind in Tsarskoe
Selo and Petrograd, Livadia, and Alexandria items of immense value
—her platinum, rock crystal desk set, and a gold one; her dressing
table accessories; her collection of crosses and boxes; the dozen
genuine blue sapphire, gold-rimmed glasses (the work of Bolin)
given her one at a time over a period of years by Father; valuable
laces; and over 300 Easter eggs. She took with her only a few
keepsakes; many of the most valuable items were left in Tsarskoe
Selo in the care of Count Benckendorff.
At the end of the holiday week there came a great change. On
December 30th, 1916, Olga came to us excitedly and whispered:
“Rasputin is missing!” His daughter had just telephoned Anna that he
had not been home all night. This had alarmed Anna who had seen
Rasputin just the previous evening, in Petrograd—for a few minutes
only, in order to avoid further talk. Anna remembered that Rasputin
had told her then that Prince Felix Youssoupoff was to call for him
late in the evening to take him to his home to meet his wife, Irina.
Mother was sure that our pretty cousin, Princess Irina, was in the
Crimea and ill at that time. Irina was the daughter of Father’s sister,
Xenia, and the Grand Duke Alexander Mikhailovich, the grandson of
the Emperor Nicholas I, and Father’s favorite cousin and his brother-
in-law.
Olga and Tatiana left to attend to their work in the hospital as usual,
while Marie and I reluctantly went to the schoolroom. After classes
we joined the family and found, to our horror, that suspicion of
Rasputin’s disappearance pointed not only to Prince Youssoupoff but
to our own cousin, the Grand Duke Dimitri Pavlovich. After a
thorough investigation by the police, it was established that Rasputin
had been murdered, his body wrapped in a military blanket and
thrown into the Neva river in Petrograd.
The frozen corpse was found two days later, under the ice. It was
assumed that the body had been carried in a Red Cross car, then
thrown into the river from the bridge. Inasmuch as a Red Cross
conveyance had been involved, it came as a sickening shock to
learn that the murder was linked to these two young men with the
knowledge of the Commander of the Red Cross, Purishkevich, who
was a member of the Duma. Several previous unsuccessful attempts
on Rasputin’s life had been made. Once he was stabbed by a young
woman in Siberia and another time deliberately run over by a
carriage. Each time he had escaped serious injury.
It was especially shocking to find Dimitri Pavlovich involved for, ever
since he had been a young man, he had had a room in our home in
Tsarskoe Selo and in the Crimea. His sister, Marie, had also spent
many happy days with us. Aunt Ella had brought him up as her own
son after his widowed father married a second time and left Russia
for a while. Dimitri was considered a member of our family and we all
were extremely fond of him. It was almost impossible for us to
believe that he could be implicated in the murder of this much
despised man. Later we heard that his role in the affair was very
minor.
Suddenly the news came that General Hanbury-Williams’ son had
gone down with Lord Kitchener on the torpedoed “Hampshire” in the
North Sea. It was such a blow to our family that we all cried on
hearing the tragic news. Mother sent some orchids to the General
with our profound sympathy. Later, Alexei told us that, when the
General appeared that evening for dinner, and when they greeted
each other, the General threw his arms around Alexei in tears. Alexei
said: “My heart went out to him.” After dinner, they kissed each other,
the General calling Alexei the most loving child as he departed for
his quarters. The next day General Hanbury-Williams once more
joined Father and Alexei at dinner.
In the meantime, Father had received a telegram announcing that
Rasputin had been killed. Father and Alexei left for Tsarskoe Selo,
and Alexei never saw the General again. Painfully Alexei described
to us the last evening he had with the General. Alexei, sympathetic
and sensitive, suffered with him and felt he, himself, should return to
G.H.Q. as the unfortunate General needed someone to comfort him.
The General later sustained another sad blow, upon learning that his
second son had been wounded. We all felt his tragedies as though
they were our personal loss.
Father posed for a moment only for a family picture beside the tree.
Then he read the report of the Rasputin murder. His reaction was:
“To think that a member of the Imperial family could commit such a
crime as to kill the Starets. I am ashamed to face the peasants who
are fighting valiantly for Russia, and many of whom have died. And
yet these boys find time for murder, as though there is not enough
crime in the world.”
Those who committed the murder should have been at the front.
How unjust to kill a man without a trial and without an opportunity to
defend himself. It may be these young men imagined themselves to
be patriots in killing one who had repeatedly prophesied future
reverses for the Empire. If this despised man was undermining the
foundation of Russia by promoting a dishonorable peace with the
enemy, then he deserved even a greater punishment. But there was
no proof. Father did not come home because Rasputin was killed but
because our two relatives were involved in the crime, and the
punishment had to come from him only.
Because of Rasputin’s death, a great rejoicing had swept over
Petrograd. There were telegrams of congratulation for the illustrious
deed, toasts with the touching of glasses filled with champagne. No
one could foresee that these toasts, with glasses “bottoms up”, were
for their own funeral.
Father struggled with the problem of how to punish the young men.
He ordered Felix to be exiled to one of his estates in the province of
Kursk. It was during my escape in 1918, when I set foot there, that
the whole picture seemed to come into focus before me: Mother,
Dimitri, Felix. It must have been a great shock to the quiet, beautiful,
young wife, Irina, who was deeply in love with her husband, Felix.
Most of the people thought of this Oxford graduate as a fascinating
handsome man, having a great deal of humor, one who could never
do such a terrible thing. But he believed that this was the solution to
save Russia. Dimitri was sent to the General Staff on the Persian
border, where the Grand Duke Nicholai Nicholaevich was. Luckily
Dimitri escaped the fate of his father, his half-brother, his cousins,
and other relatives who were killed in 1918-1919. Immediately, his
relatives tried to intercede, as had been done at the time of the
coronation disaster, which it was claimed, was the result of the
negligence of the Grand Duke Serge Alexandrovich.
It was a blow to Father himself, since we all were so fond of Dimitri.
Besides he was Father’s ward and like a brother to us. On account
of Dimitri’s poor health, after having spent several months at the
front early in the war, he was sent back to Petrograd and, since then,
he had spent his time there without occupation and so had become
involved in this crime. His own father, the Grand Duke Paul,
expressed dissatisfaction. Even though the punishment was light,
still the relatives resented it and expressed coolness towards us. The
Grand Duke Alexander Mikhailovich, Father’s brother-in-law, came to
see Father but to no avail. Father said forcefully: “No matter whether
it was a Grand Duke or a peasant, the law is the same for all.”
Almost the whole Romanov family, led by the Grand Duke Cyril, his
mother, Marie Pavlovna, and his brothers, Andrew and Boris, signed
a petition in which they asked for the release of the two young
heroes. My father was so angered by this, he said: “They would
never have dared ask such a favor from my austere father,
Alexander III” and “No one has the right to commit a murder,
especially in time of war and within my realm.”
The Grand Duchess Marie Pavlovna (née Duchess of Mecklenburg-
Schwerin) being successful in turning almost all the relatives, as well
as many influential friends, against my family hoped by this division
of the family to bring the crown to her son. She invited to her parties
some mutual friends and continued her slander against my family.
Among these courted guests was Rodzianko, President of the
Duma. Some of these could no longer tolerate her scheming and, to
her amazement, they asked to be excused and left in the midst of
the conversation. The most damaging effect, due to this division of
the Imperial family, was the plot organized by the Grand Duke Cyril
to kill Mother and Father. The planning had taken place at the
Imperial Yacht Club in Petrograd, of which my Father and all the
relatives were members. Many friends also belonged to it.
They were given a warning to discontinue making trouble while other
men were dying in the trenches. Father gave orders to separate
them, and they were to go to their various estates. This blow was
more than they could bear. No matter what the cost, they were
determined to uproot this man who was a thorn in their side.
After the sad parting of the two sisters in Tsarskoe Selo, Aunt Ella’s
bitterness toward my Mother increased. I was told that she knew
then that there was to be an attempt on the life of Rasputin, yet she
did not discourage Dimitri from taking part in it; instead, she spent
her time in a convent where she met one of her friends, and prayed
on her knees in this convent while the murder in Petrograd was
being committed. I wonder now whether she was praying for her own
soul. To my sorrow her life also ended very painfully in 1918.
 XII
REVOLUTION
Mother once thought that, if Alexei could not be spared, Dimitri
might marry one of her daughters in order to carry on the Romanov
line. Now she had to take Rasputin’s death philosophically. At the
same time, she grieved over the mistake of the young men,
especially the one whom she had loved as her own son.
Unfortunately, the Emperor Paul (1796-1801) had decreed that no
female be allowed to succeed to the Russian throne. I think that, in
case of political turmoil, the decree could have been set aside. Olga
would have made a wonderful Empress. She was intelligent, well-
read, had a kind disposition, was popular among her friends, and
understood human nature. She was a true Russian in heart and soul.
She could not have been easily deceived. I am sure that she would
have ruled wisely in the interest of her people. Father had inherited
from his father, Alexander III, the autocratic form of government
which contributed in part to the downfall of Russia.
Father stayed on but we hardly saw him, except at mealtime. He left
the table hurriedly and buried himself in state papers and military
problems. It was a great comfort, nevertheless, to have him with us.
The Germans reasoned that Rasputin’s death would remove one of
the most fruitful subjects of their propaganda. Consequently they
hastened to push forward another subject. German agents dropped
leaflets into the Russian trenches stating that the Tsar was about to
sign a separate peace treaty with Germany. It was also said that
Mother, while she visited Father in Mogilev, had entertained
Generals Ludendorff and Hindenburg at night and received letters
from her brother, Uncle Ernest. Another rumor had it that the
Russian officers of the General Staff and the Grand Dukes were
gambling and wasting their time in cabarets while Russian soldiers
were dying in the trenches.
The patriotic army was not taken in by this propaganda, because
they had seen Father’s devotion to the cause of Russia. But General
Ludendorff and the Kaiser intensified this propaganda because they
knew it was impossible to defeat the brave Russian army without the
connivance of a revolution behind the lines. The idea was to divide,
conquer, poison the mind of the Russian people and weaken loyalty
to the Emperor. Mutiny was feared at the front since Father was
away in Tsarskoe Selo, not because our troops were inadequately
fed, clothed and supplied with arms. On the contrary the troops,
Father said, were never so strong and well-fed, and our military
strength was now greater than at the beginning of the war. But the
supplies were deliberately delayed by the merchants who received
bribes from German agents while Father was away. So the goods
were withheld from the markets by the merchants. Ten million rubles
were spent to overthrow Russia by revolution. It was this money that
originally had been intended to be used to improve the conditions of
the Russian prisoners of war in Germany. Father’s presence was
needed at General Headquarters. In spite of Alexei’s symptoms of
measles and the fever that raged in him, Father left for G.H.Q.,
promising to return soon. For Mother, always apprehensive of Alexei,
had begged Father to stay home a few days until the boy’s condition
could be better determined. But Father’s plans had been made some
months ahead for a surprise attack on the enemy and could not be
changed.
Father had hardly departed before riots and strikes became a
common occurrence in Petrograd. Shortages were reported; there
was plenty of bread, even though it was not available in the stores.
However, many merchants—some were foreigners and some were
not—hid the products or raised the prices so high that the poor could
not purchase any meat, butter, or other essential commodities. Train
loads of grain stood on the tracks until the grain became mouldy and
unfit for human consumption.
One morning Mother entered her room to find Father’s picture lying
on the floor. The glass covering this picture, taken recently at the
trenches, was broken at the position of Father’s neck in the
photograph. Immediately Mother’s superstitious nature reappeared.
There was, she felt, something wrong with Father. This breakage
could have been the work of a hostile servant but, more likely, the
wind had done it. To Mother it was a bad omen. Again her anxious
mind went back to the large cross she saw in the sky as they
crossed the Troitsky bridge a few years before. Did these signs
indicate that Father was to bear a heavy cross in the future?
Then she had a dream which increased her anxiety. In it she saw the
Grand Duke Serge, who had been blamed for the coronation
disaster and had been dead for years, come to visit us; suddenly he
began to dance and wave a chiffon veil. Father sat and watched him.
All at once the Grand Duke came to the end of his little dance, and
the veil he was waving caught on the stone on top of the crown on
Father’s head. A quick move of the Grand Duke and the crown was
off Father’s head and dashed to the floor. Seven of the large stones
seemed to disappear, only one being left. Soon that, too, began to
evaporate slowly until it became a tiny pebble and finally vanished.
The dream haunted her. Did it mean that the crown would be lost?
The little stone that vanished—did that indicate that Alexei might be
taken away from us?
Another bad omen! The chain which held the cross and the ruby ring
(actually it was a red diamond) which Father had given to Mother
and which she lately had been wearing around her neck, had
broken. These she had always considered her good luck charms.
She often placed her ruby ring on the chain with the cross and now,
when the chain broke, the ring rolled one way and the cross another.
Did this have a meaning in relation to Father’s safety or did it
indicate a rift between Father and the Church? Later this same ring
was taken from Mother by Voykov several weeks before the tragic
night at Ekaterinburg; he wore this red diamond on his little finger.
Mother and I, myself, were great believers in dreams; I still believe in
mysticism.
Mother had not heard of Father’s safe arrival at G.H.Q. Finally we
received the news that he had reached his destination. Serious
disorders in the streets of Petrograd began two days later and lasted
for about ten days. While the air was thick with suspicion, strikes,
riots, and accusations, we children were seized with measles. Alexei
had been ill before Father left; next Olga was stricken; then Tatiana;
and, at last, I caught the disease. Marie helped Mother to care for us,
but not for long because she, too, fell ill. Then both she and I
contracted pneumonia and had to be placed in oxygen tents.
Early in March, we heard through General von Grooten, assistant to
General Voyeykov, Commandant of the Palaces, and at that time
with Father at G.H.Q., of the conversation he had had with the
military commandant in Petrograd, General Belyayev. He had,
himself, been able, through General Voyeykov, to speak to Father
and tell him of the true state of affairs. Rodzianko had wired His
Majesty that everything was quiet. The General had acted on his
own initiative because he could see the critical conditions in
Petrograd and in Tsarskoe Selo. Father was relieved to hear that we
were alive. Through General Belyayev, Father sent word that we
should do nothing until he returned home. But we must be ready to
go away at a moment’s notice. He had also been informed that we
all were ill, but he hoped that, when he arrived home, we would be
well enough to leave. He did not know that Marie and I and several
others at the palace had pneumonia.
At this time Rodzianko called the palace to say that Father was well
but we were in great danger and should go at once to Gatchina
Palace, about thirty miles southwest of Petrograd. Uncle Michael
also had his residence there, and many other relatives of the
Imperial family maintained villas in the park. Had we gone there, we
would have had more freedom. Two parallel wings, connected by a
third, were almost completely enclosed. Each wing had more than
several hundred rooms, and the grounds held a fair-sized lake in the
middle. The estate included thousands of acres of gardens, forest
and ravines. We might more easily have escaped from there abroad.
There were rumors that Uncle Ernest was hiding in a tunnel. People
probably confused a tunnel at Alexander Palace in Tsarskoe Selo
with a natural passage at Gatchina. This natural passage could be
entered from the stairway of the palace into a dark narrow hall, the
exit of which led to the bank of Silver Lake adjoining the Baltic Sea.
This spooky tunnel was cold, damp, and had a mournful echo. All
these gruesome things came to my mind. I could see the statue of
Paul I in front of the palace. His clothes, which were brought into his
room after his assassination, remained there undisturbed as on the
day he left the palace. There was a belief that Paul’s ghost walked at
night about the vast rooms, corridors, and terraces. Others even
claimed that they had heard him calling in the tunnel, and some
servants were afraid to leave their rooms when the clock struck
twelve midnight. This palace was my Grandfather’s favorite
residence.
In Tsarskoe Selo there was a tunnel or passage through one of the
park entrances. This entrance, with a stone structure over the gate,
was carefully watched, and was used by the workers—delivery men,
repair men, cooks, maids, gardeners and others. No one could enter
this passage without showing his or her pass and the picture on the
pass had to correspond with the one in the book which was at the
disposal of the guard. When these workers reached the inner end of
the tunnel, they were in the English basement of the palace where
there were a number of rooms set aside for their use. These
included a lounge, dining rooms, etc. In another section of the
basement were rooms for the officers, including a dining room which
was below Mother’s bedroom. Five or six hundred workers used this
tunnel daily. It was one of the busiest and most widely used
entrances. Practically all these people using this gate had been
known to the guards, inasmuch as they had used this entrance for
many years.
We heard that the soldiers were breaking into stores, getting drunk,
and even becoming intoxicated on wood alcohol. As a result, some
were poisoned and died. These deaths were blamed on the palace
guard.
Mother was on duty with us children all night for several nights.
Although she made frequent changes, she appeared constantly in
her nurse’s uniforms. She rested on the sofa in order to be near us.
The trials my Mother endured during these turbulent days are
beyond description. One of the first things Mother did as a prisoner
was to go through her personal letters. She burned some of the
intimate ones she had received from Father during their courtship.
Other letters which she destroyed were those from her Granny,
Queen Victoria. When Mother was a young bride, expecting her first
child, her Granny gave her useful advice. All letters written by the