Violence and sexual abuse in the family

(Perrone and Nannini, 1997)

Violence can take 2 essential forms:

-Violence Aggression: manifests in subjects with a symmetrical relationship

-Punishment Violence: manifests itself in subjects with a complementary relationship

Sexual abuse is the most extreme form of punishment violence.

Clinically, it was observed that people subjected to punishment violence accepted the
rituals of violence imposed by the aggressor, with the women “voluntarily” returning to the
aggressor, behaving as if their spirits had been colonized. In extreme cases, a relationship of
domination is observed in which the spirit of one is “captured” by the other. The victim presents a
modification of his or her state of consciousness, characterized by the loss of critical capacity and
progressive focusing of attention, meaning that he or she is under the influence and under the
abusive domination of the person who controls the relationship. The person enters a state of
prolonged trance, which can last after the relationship is interrupted. We call this psychological
relationship in which one exerts abusive dominance over another a “spell.” Whether it is a
recent, current or old incest, the phenomenon of the spell constitutes the central therapeutic
problem.

1- Profile of the protagonists

Family and couple profile

In multi-parent families, separation of spouses and remarriage sometimes occur at the cost of a
relaxation of filiation ties; who occupies the place of father, or father (or mother), parent/child ties
no longer have the foundation of “natural” legitimacy and can always be the subject of
questioning (in reconstituted families the risk is higher) . There is also a high incidence in single-
parent families (on weekend visits to the father), or at home due to the mother's absence due to
work, abandonment, extramarital affairs, illness, depression, etc. In apparently well-structured
families (“normal” profile), the disclosure of abuse reveals pre-existing dysfunction. Here reigns a
tyranny exercised by the father (he can imagine that his own law applies in his territory) and is
based on the law of silence, shared by all members. Here the predominance of the father is linked
to the erasure of the mother (mothers who do not see, do not hear, deny the obvious). Her
withdrawal and distance makes the girl occupy different roles.

The marital couple

The incest problem is correlative to a relationship problem. In certain cases, the couple maintains
poor sexual activity, a consequence of an implicit consensus, a tacit arrangement convenient for
both. Or, the husband has explicit extramarital sexual activity. Having lost intimacy and limits,
incest constitutes a continuity of this conquering sexual activity “without a differentiated object.”
The factors of fear and material dependence can be good reasons for the mother to accept the
situation, appear resigned and move away from her role as a mother.

Profile of the father/stepfather/third party abuser

This man has already achieved his sexual development, discernment, alertness, the law, etc. They
are integrated into society; abuses are a voluntary and conscious construction.

2 categories of abusers:

-Reserved, innocuous, soft, not very virile, with an attitude of social withdrawal. Apparently modest
and moralistic, even religious, showing an image of asexual fragility. He is submissive, accepts his
wife's dominance, and can inspire tenderness, sympathy, and a desire for protection. Maintains
exchanges with the child focused on tenderness. It is characterized by its sweetness and
innocence, its devotion to the child. The relationship is pseudoegalitarian, since the existential
position of the adult is immature and infantile, just like his sexuality. They are solitary, with phobic
behaviors and an aversion to adult sexuality. They are powerless witnesses of their partners'
extramarital affairs. They use the child to compensate for abandonment and absence. When there
is pisocpathology (less frequent): pedophilia (sexual deviation where the object of choice is a
child). Repressed and selective sexuality. Abusive women belong to this group, with the alibi of
maternal consecration.

- Aggressive and violent . It tends towards expansion, conquest, expansion and disregard for the
social environment. Bold, reckless and unscrupulous behavior. Will to colonize, control, subdue.
When there is psychopathology, these are individuals with an egocentric psychopathic structure,
incapable of establishing an equitable exchange. The relationship is based on the search for genital
pleasure, without any concern for the child (they film or photograph them, for pornographic
purposes, demanding their participation and enjoyment). Normal or intense sexuality, but
indiscriminate (multiple occasional or stable sexual relationships). The sexual is imposed
shamelessly and publicly.

Mother's profile:

They may be worried on the outside: exhausted, exhausted. Or internal: in which case they will be
depressed or fragile. The majority remains in an ambivalent attitude, as if the revelation would not
be enough to break the bond. Emotional immaturity manifests itself in impotent complicity or the
absence of maternal bond or through the incessant search for a partner. They are absent, their
perceptions decrease, they hide behind self-justification and give priority to formal family
cohesion.

Features (3):
-The mother defends the idea of a normal family and family cohesion at any price, because it
usually has a chaotic history, with sentimental failures, abandonments, violence. Material
dependence on the couple. The law of secrecy implies that she is deaf and blind.

-Your perceptions of events are automatically selected

-The speech is of an omnijustifying type (of defense and survival, intended to stop all attacks).

Victim profile:

The complete performance of the sexual act almost always takes place at puberty. For the abuser,
the feminization of the girl's body is the signal that she can move on to the realization phase
(caresses and touching occur at previous ages). This secret experience is impossible to share with
the outside world, so the victim cannot create deep and trusting relationships with their peers.
They usually live in isolation and have a poorly developed social network. The victim has a double
position: she is the one sacrificed and the one who enjoys a place of privilege with respect to the
father (pseudoprivilege). Since she has been given the role of savior of the family, she believes that
family cohesion and stability depend on her. Almost always the oldest is the one who suffers the
abuse. This sacrifice sometimes serves to protect their sisters.

2. characteristics of the relationship

Complementary relationship: It is characterized by inequality. The “natural” complementary

relationship serves as a disguise for the perverse one. All energy is used to maintain relational
status, with a tendency toward immobility. That paralyzes the relationship, excludes escapes and
exits, no alternatives are imagined.

Unequal relationship: Power becomes a means to control the child.

Abusive relationship: the child is “programmed” for the sexual benefit of the adult (which does not
equate to consent. The adult is the only beneficiary.

Relationship of imposture: corresponds to the will to appropriate a quality or value belonging to

another, through lying. The adult makes the child believe that it is normal for the relationship to
be organized in that way. The arguments point to the victim believing that he is the only
beneficiary. The abuser appropriates the discovery that the child would have made of his sexuality.

Perversion of the authority/responsibility dialectic: the abuser manipulates power, the child has
become responsible for the adult's safety. The fate of the abuser, those who were supposed to
protect him, the stability of the family and yours depends on your silence.

Relationship outside the law: the abuser has not internalized the prohibition, no feeling of
transgression or guilt arises. Private law opposes general law, leaving the child without points of
reference or protection.
Relationship out of context: the family is no longer a place of protection, but rather a closed,
isolated and rigid group that is maintained thanks to secrecy.

Relationship out of control: because they are so closed, these families escape social control.
Likewise, subjects have difficulties governing their own behaviors. The social environment is the
normalizing and normative instance.

Spell Relationship: The vast majority of father/daughter incest occurs without “objective” assault-
type violence. The girl experiences rape as a kind of second state, of reduced consciousness. The
father does not seduce the daughter but rather confuses her and makes her lose her critical sense.
In the daughter there is non-consent and acceptance. The abuser discovers that his action causes
stupor and confusion and observes that he can increasingly take his practice of psychological
predominance further. The experience is similar to a bewitchment: everyday life becomes a
ceremony and a spell ritual.

3- Communication features:

The communication style and type of language predispose to an abusive relationship by

paralyzing response capabilities.

Breakdown of communication registers: messages are transmitted in contradictory registers, which

causes surprise and perplexity. Authority and brutality mix with softness and compassion. The
father is never the same, he lacks continuity...the child abandons the desire to understand,
becomes automated at the bodily level and blocks himself at the cognitive level, while continuing
to experience profound disturbances at the emotional level.

The language of command: communication goes in only one direction, because there is no
listening to the other, it leaves no possibility of choosing.

- Command of conformity: the child must accept the situation that the adult presents as
“normal” and conform to the abuser's belief system.

-Commendation of guilt: the child must accept since he fears being to blame for the family
breakdown (“the family is going to separate because of you”).

Hidden retaliation: this makes it obvious to the child that any attempt to change the status quo of
the situation will harm him and his family (this generates fear of revealing, even though there are
no threats).

4- Spell Features:
Trance-rituals: a type of ceremony that announces the abuse, which the victim knows and which
the abuser uses ritually as a prologue. They serve to strengthen the power of the abuser and
weaken the victim's ability to resist. The most recognizable ritualized relationships are hypnosis
(voluntary and consensual process. formalized technique) and the spell ; Both produce a trance
state .

Trance: altered or modified state of consciousness, characterized by a decrease in the critical

threshold and a focusing of attention. It is also expressed in a psychosomatic way: it modifies
bodily attitudes, perceptions and sensations, as well as consciousness. The trance is the
consequence of the ritual.

Spell: the influence that one person exerts on another, without the latter knowing it. The
colonization of the spirit of one by the other is observed. It is a kind of invasion of territory, a
denial of the existence, of desire, of the “foreignness” of the victim. The victim is unaware of the
conditions that led to the spell, does not know the meaning of the dominant's intentions and
behaviors and cannot clearly detect its effects, because it sends him a misleading image.

The dynamics of spell: the state of spell, is created through three types of relational practices:

Efraction: means penetrating private property by force, transgressing the border and limits of the
territory. Theft initiates possession, prepares it. It is its previous stage. It also consists of
penetrating the territory, spying on it, or revealing its secrets or privacy. First you penetrate the
girl's space, then her body. It also means that the abuser breaks into the child's imaginary world
and destroys the relational fabric, breaking ties with the mother, siblings, and friends of the same
age. It is the abuser's first maneuver.

Capture: aims to appropriate the other, in the sense of capturing their trust, attracting them,
retaining their attention and depriving them of their freedom. “Catch” the person, leaving them
with no chance to resist. Since children are in the phase of learning and acquiring critical skills,
they are more easily the target of recruitment strategies.

3 way:

- The look (the most subtle and elusive). It escapes precise description. Its interpretation is
uncertain and random, and doubts may always remain regarding its meaning, its intentionality.
What can clarify the meaning of a look is the possibility of articulating it to context indicators. The
intensity of the gaze is another decisive parameter to interpret it; A “normal” exchange does not
go beyond a certain threshold of intensity. For the victim, the message through the gaze is
“unspeakable” and at the same time inevitable, because it announces the passage to the act and
excludes escapes. These gazes described as: “illegible”, impossible to decode, confuse the borders
between tenderness, love, sexual desire, crime. It causes children a feeling of confusion. It is used
to appropriate the victim.

- Touch (the most notable and irrefutable): if there is no sanity, force and coercion impose
a traumatic, violent body contact. In the recruitment, touching for sexual purposes in principle
does not allow identification. Casual “touches” appear, apparently naive contacts, which after
becoming “unspeakable” can progressively become charged with a sexual connotation, without
the child realizing the moment in which the border was crossed. The contacts have a disconcerting
sensory intensity and are associated with messages of trivialization (games), of protection or
affection, of care.

- The word (the most sophisticated): the structure of the messages usually presents logical
“anomalies” (logic is at the service of falsehood). The word is a tool. It is often used to trivialize
situations or taboos, to mislead, etc. When the child's body is subjected to abusive sensory
stimulation, the words that accompany the gestures divert attention and create confusion in order
to nullify the critical sense, and threaten or persuade to disarm all resistance. They can also be
used in a confusing way (“want”, it can be like a father or a lover). The child listens and tries to
translate the words in a logic compatible with his condition or age or, otherwise, he refrains from
translating. But, even if they have been understood, the words of seduction remain unelucidated.
The lack of explicit meaning of the word plunges the child into silence and confusion, while the
presence of said meaning exposes him to the danger of losing everything.

Programming: consists of introducing instructions into the brain of another to induce predefined
behaviors, in order to subsequently activate behaviors appropriate to a planned situation or script.
Difference between learning and progression: programming is carried out unilaterally, from the
outside. The subject obeys the order, without fully integrating the information. The objective is to
condition the victim, to maintain dominance over them. Thus, programming constitutes the
finishing of the spell.

- Sensory awakening: the potential for sensuality and eroticization in a state of latency is brutally
activated when it is the object of an abusive action. Children are deprived of discovering sexuality
progressively (they lose their personal initiative, they become fragile, dependent on the desires of
others). When awakening occurs, the child may seek to seduce or eroticize the relationship with
the adult.

- Eroticization: eroticization and excitement do not have an appropriate partner or recipient.

- Repetition: in extreme cases, excitement causes conditioning and dependency in the victim that
leads them to maintain the morbid bond that unites them to the abuser. This is the only one that
gives rise to these paradoxical behaviors. Repetition, which is a consequence of trauma, is located
outside the field of desire.

- Evocation of anchoring: “anchoring”: the union between the emotional state and memory.
Thanks to this link, the abuser does not need to carry out all the necessary operations... a look or
word that evokes the fact of sexual abuse is enough for the victim to feel discomfort and for each
person to be installed in their role.
-Secret : the imposed rule is silence, which organizes the relationship and guarantees the survival
of the system. It supposes the conviction that experiences are incommunicable. The unusual
nature of the relationship gives it an unspeakable dimension.

- Pact: an unnatural pact between abuser or victim. The abuser proposes an agreement that he
supports with references to threats or allusions to its consequences. It is transtemporal, non-
negotiable and indissoluble. Even when the secret is revealed, the victim still feels obligated not to
denounce anyone.

-Responsibility : the child believes he is responsible for what happens to his family, his family's
happiness depends on the silence and acceptance of the victim. The more “correct” the external
image is, the more obligated its members feel to preserve that pseudo-happiness and the greater
the child's feeling of responsibility.

-Fatality : the victim believes that any attempt at rebellion will cause enormous suffering to his
family. It consists of activating images of isolation and loneliness.

- Shame: it is the manifestation of the difficulty experienced in discerning the responsibilities of

the protagonists. It persists beyond the revelation and the end of the relationship. It only stops
definitively when the victim manages to place that feeling on the accuser.

“ Breach consists of entering the territory of the dam; the capture in dominating her and putting
her inside a cage. The programming in “training her”, in teaching her not to leave, even if the door
is left open, and to remain captive voluntarily.”

Retractions, late revelations, silence, “complicity” and subsequent contradictions are due to the
phenomenon of programming. It causes difficulties in treatments, causes hospitalization to fail,
and continues to be a source of perplexity for the family and therapists.