HERSTRUGGLE

(
Backgr
oundi
ntr
oduct
ionoft
hest
ory
)

I
ntr
oduct
ion.

Iam KhensaniNgobeni,
avi
cti
m ofr
apebutcan't
comeoutofi tbecausemymom wil
ll
iv
etostruggle
becauseofmydeci si
on.
Ifeeli
tisbett
ertosuf
ferwhi
l
enotcausinganypai
n
tomymot her
.Iknowshewantswel
lformebutthi
s
alsohelps.

Myst epfather,t
hepersonbehindmybrokenpieces.
Behindt helostsoulwit
hinme.Heisaheartl
ess
manwhocar esaboutnobodybuthimsel
f.He
beli
evesawomanwhol i
vesunderhi
sroofhastobe
submi ssiv
et oallhi
swantsevenwhenheknows
thattheyarehar mfult
otheother.
Mymot her,shefelli
nlovewi t
hamanwhocoul d
providef orheraftermyf atherabandonedus.She
wasabr okenwomanbef or
eshemetJohn.He
pickedherf rom t
hepiecesshewasonl ytobreakher
tocondi tionofnor epair
.Shei sonl
ybearingallt
he
paint hatcomeswi thbeingwithhim al
lbecausehe
bringsf oodt othetableandbecauseGugust ill
needsaf at
her.

Ifeell
i
keGugudoesn'tneedJohni nherlife,
ImeanI
haveseenhowhehasst art
edtol ookatherl i
ke
somepr ey.I
tseemsli
keheisn'thav ingenoughof
thetor
turehehasbeenpressuringt omot herand
daughterandhenowwant svent ureofftohisblood.

Ijusthopet
hatonedayGodwi l
lhearthecr
iesof
womenwhohav ebeenbeggi
nghimt ocomet ot
hei
r
rescue.
HERSTRUGGLE

Chapt
er1

KHENSANI

Thedoorf loodopenandasal waysIknewhewas

hereforwhathecal lshisfi
rstthi
nghehast ohave
beforethest ar
ts.Hecameont opofmeand
breathedonmyneckt akinginmyscentmaki ngme
feeldisgustedandjustl
ikethatIfeltnauseous.I
tri
edsi t
ti
ngupst rai
ghtandhef orcedmeback.

Me:
"If
eel
li
kepuki
ngJohn.
"

Ihavelostal
lther
espectIhadf
ort
hismanhenceI
nolongercal
lhim wi
thnamesweusetoadr
essour
el
ders.
John:"
stoply
ing.Iknowt
hatt
hat
'sy
ourexcuset
o
runawayfrom me."

Iwoul dt
akeanychanceatt
ryi
ngtoescapethisbut
whatwi l
lhappentomymotherandl
itt
lesist
erifI
l
eav e.Wherewil
lthi
smanventur
eoffhiseverl
ast
ing
thi
rstforsex.

Me:
"Johnpl
ease.
"

Ipl
eadedbuti tfel
tondeadear slandingmeasl ap
wit
houtanyexpect ati
ons.Iti
snott hefi
rstt
imehe
haslandedmeasl apwhenIt ri
edtell
inghim
somet hi
ng.Mycheekwashi t
tingupandt henausea
wasn'thelpi
ngatall.Ipukedonhim whichmadehi m
getoffmegi vi
ngmeachancet orunout.

Irantothet
oil
etandpuked.Thi
smanhasmanaged
toforcemetofeeldi
sgust
edeveryti
meIseehi
s
face.Hehasmademyst omachturnever
yti
meIsee
hi
sol
dface.

Aft
erpuki
ngIwentbackt omyroom andcl ean,
Ihad
towashthebl
anketsbecauseIpukedont hem and
Johnwassti
ll
there.IguesshethoughtIwasnot
goi
ngtocomeback.

John:
"mypat
iencei
snowr
unni
ngoutKhensani
."
Me:
"buti
tisnotmyf
aul
tthatIv
omi
ted.
"
John:
"gety
oursel
ftoget
hercozthi
sisyourev
ery
day
l
if
eunlessyouwantGugutofacethi
s."
Khensani
:"y
oucan'
tdot
hat
.Gugui
syourbl
ood.
"
John:
"so?Blooddoesn'
tquenchanyt
hir
st.GET
YOURSELFTOGETHERI FYOULOVEYOURSI STER!
"
Hehalfshout
ed

Hesai
dbef
oregoi
ngout
.
Howam It oli
vewi thsuchaman.Oneoft hisdaysI
wil
lrunawayf rom t hishousewi t
hGugu.Mymom
i
sn'
tmaki nganypl anf orustogetoutofhereandI
havebeenbear ingal lJohn'snonsensebecauseof
her
,Ithoughtshewoul dcomeupwi t
haplant oget
usoutoft hisstruggle.

I
fIwasn'tdonewi t
hmymat ri
cIdoubtIwouldpass
wit
hthistotureIam f
aci
ng.Iam onl
ygladthathe
hasn'
tventuredouttoGugucozthatwouldcause
hertr
aumat hat'
swhyIwill
havetomakeapl an.

Iwentouttowasht heblanketswhenGugucame
outl
ookingreadyforschool.Shewaswalki
ngwit
h
herdi
sgusti
ngf at
herwhowasgi v
ingmeasmirk.

Gugu:
xSesisendzafamba,misal
akahl
ex(
Iam
nowgoing,
pleasest
aysaf
e.)
Me:"Nawenaufambakahle,uti
hlay
isa.
"(Gowel
l
andpleaset
akecar
eofyoursel
f.
)
John:"Khensaniufanelekuhleki
samakwer huwa
wena.Ntsaleway enawul emav okweniy
awena.
(Khensani
,youhav etotakecareofyourl
it
tl
esist
er.
Herhappinessli
esiny ourhands.
)

Iknowwhathemeantexact
ly.Hehasgiv
enmean
ult
imat
um whi
chIwil
ltr
ywithmyalltonotgi
vei
nto
him.Hehastr
oubl
edmeandi t'
senough.

Hewalkedheroutbutatl
eastIknowhewon'
tdo
any
thi
ngtoherasofy et
.

.
..
.

Aft
erwashi
ngthebl
anket
sIwentinsi
detotryand
tal
ktomymom.Ihadtomakeherseet hatt
heman
shehasmarri
edi
snotgett
ingwor
se.
WhenIgoti
nsi
deshewasr
eadi
ngherbi
ble,t
he
samethi
ngshebel
i
eveswi
l
lsav
eusfrom thi
s
sor
row.
Ionlyhavelit
tl
ehopel eftofGodchangingour
si
tuationaround.Wehav epr ay
edandfast
edasking
hi
mt osaveusf r
om thismanbuthehasn' tthat
's
whyIcam t oadecisiont hatwehavetotryourall
to
standonourownf eetwit houtanymansupport
ing
us.
Thismenfeel
enti
tl
edtouswhenwelett
hem
suppor
tandgivet
hem t
heposi
ti
onofbei
ngthehead.

Me:
"mama"
Mama:
"Khensani
."
Me:"mamaIam t
ir
edoft
hisl
i
fe,
Iam t
ir
edofy
our
husband.
"
Mama:
"Iknowmychi
l
d.Godwi
l
lcomet
hroughf
or
us.
"
Me:"st
opbel i
evi
ngsomuchinthatGodofyour
s.We
hav
estruggledenoughwi
thouthi
minter
fer
ingand
whywillhechangenow?"
Mama:
"don'
tbel
i
ttl
eGodKhensani
!
Me:
"wher
ewashewhenIl
ostmyv
irgi
nit
ytoy
our
manatt
heageof13?Wher
ewashe?
"

Iblunderedbymist
ake.Ineverwant
edt
ot el
lher
truthofhermanmolesti
ngmef or9monthsnow.
Thatmanst olemypri
def r
om me.Hest
oletheonly
thingIhadthatmyfut
urehusbandwoul
dbepr oud
of.

Mama:
"what
!
Me:dontactal
lsur
pri
sedani
riut
shikaxi
l
olexi
xa
wenaxinihl
uphawenaurikoho.
"(Youar
eleav
ing
t
histhi
ngofyourst
oabuseme)
Mama:
"whydi
dn'
tyout
ell
me.
"
Me:"Iam t
ir
edmama, Iam ti
redofyou,yourGod
andyourhusband.Ifyoudontdoany t
hingnowthen
knowthatyouwilll
i
v etoregr
etyourhopeinGod."

Ibudgedoutofthehouseful
lofanger.Thi
swoman
wil
lmakemel osemymi ndoneday.Shebeliev
esin
thi
sGodofherssomucht hatsheforgetst
hatGugu
i
sal
soagi
rlwhocanal
sof
acewhatIam f
aci
ng.

Mymindwasful
lofmanyt
hought
s,i
twas
ov
erl
oadi
ng.
Whyi
smyl
i
fel
i
ket
his?
Whohav
eIof
fendedt
ocur
semel
i
ket
his?
Whenwi
l
lGodanswermypr
ayer
s?
WhydoIhav
esuchani
gnor
antmot
her
?
Somanyquesti
onsIcan'
tanswerbymy
sel
f.
Quest
ionsIhav
enoanswersto.
Iwassolosti
nmi ndthatIf
oundmy sel
finthe
middl
eoftheroadwithacarshoot
ingrighti
nfront
meandthenextthingIknow..
.

Tobecont
inued

Li
ke,
Shar
eandcomment
HERSTRUGGLE

Chapt
er2

#Khensani

Thecarstoppedrightinfr
ontofme.I
twasbya
mir
aclethati
tdidn'thitmeorel
seIwoul
dbe
meeti
ngmymakert oday.
Theowneroft
hecargotoutandrant
ome,
itwasa
womanwhowor ef
ancyclot
hing.
Shehadmakeupandl ookedverypr
ett
y,y
oucantel
l
thatnotonl
yisshebeauti
fulwit
hmakeupbutshe's
alsobeauti
ful
innat
ure.

"
Arey
ouhur
t?"

Sheaskedwi
thawor
ri
edl
ookon.WhatwasI
t
hinki
ngwalki
ngwit
houtlooki
ngatwhereIam goi
ng.
I
fitwasn'
tbyGod'
sgracethenthepoorwoman
wouldhav
ehitme.

"
Whati
sgoi
ngonher
e?"

Aman'svoicesaidint
hebackgr
oundwithirr
it
ati
on.I
l
ookedupandhewasahandsomeman, hecame
outf
rom t
hedriver'
ssi
demeaningheistheonewho
wasdri
vi
ngandhedoesn'tcareaboutwhetherhe
hadhur
tmeornot .

"Iam j
ustchecki
ngt
hegi
rly
oual
mosthi
tbyt
hecar
baby.
"

"Ther
e'snoneedforyoutocheckonher,sheshoul
d
l
earntolookatwhereshe'
sgoingbecausenextti
me
shewon'tbelucky
."
Hesaidthenwentbacktot hecar.Iguessheisthat
kindofaguywhof eel
sentitl
edtoev er
ythi
ngj
ust
becauseheisdri
vi
ngaf ancycarandal soweari
ng
fancycl
othes.

"
Come,
letmehel
pyouup.
"

ShehandedmeherhandandItooki
t.IdonothowI
hadfel
lbecausecardi
dn'
thi
tmeatall
.

"
Thanky
ou.
"

Isai
dwithasmil
eandsher
etur
nedi
twi
tha
beaut
if
ulone.

Her
:"Shoul
dIgety
out
oahospi
tal
?"
Me:
"No,
Iam f
ine.
"
Her
:"Thenal
l
owmet
otakey
ouwher
eyouwantt
o
go.
"
Me:
"No.
..
"
Her
:"Let
'sgo.
"

Shepull
edmet othecar.Shedi
dn'
tlookmuchol
der
thanmeandshelookedl i
keshehasmadeiti
nli
fe.
SheopenedthedoorforandIgotinwit
htheman
shoot
ingdagger
satme.

Man:"
andt
hen,what
'sgoi
ngonher
e?Whati
sshe
doi
nginmycar
?"
Her
:"wewi
l
ljustdr
opherof
ftowher
eshewas
goi
ng.
"

Themanclickedhistongueinfr
ustrati
on.Idon'
t
actual
l
yknowwhati swr ongwit
hallthemenf eeli
ng
l
ikewomanar ejustsomet hi
ngstheycancont r
ol.

Man:
"Wher
ear
ewedr
oppi
ngherof
f?"
Me:
"youcandr
opmeof
fher
e."

Idi
dn'
twantt obeinthatcarany
more.Ihav
eso
manyproblemstodeal wit
hthantobeinacarwi
tha
manwhot hinksheisallt
hat.

Woman:
"ohok.
"

ThemanstoppedthecarandIhoppedof
f.Iwas
evensur
pri
sedwhentheladyal
socameoffand
cametome.
Shet
ookoutsomecar
dandgav
eitt
ome.

Her
:"pl
easecall
mewheny outhel
i
ttl
eacci
dentthat
wasabouttohappenst
art
sgiv
ingyoutr
auma."

Idi
dn'
twannaber udesoItookthecar
dandt hanked
hert
henwat chedt
hem dr
iveaway.Nowmyj ourney
towalkbackhomet omymi ser
abl
eli
febegi
ns.
Iwantedi tsobadlytojustescapeal
ltheoddsofl
i
fe
butitseemsi mpossiblewithmymom notbeing
i
nterested.I'
l
lonedayl eavehertost
aywithher
abusivemanandt hat
'swhenshewi l
lreal
iset
hatI
wasbei ngseriousall
thiswhile.

.
..

WhenIgothome, mymom wassi t

tingoutsi
dethe
ver
andareadingherbi
ble.Herr elati
onshipshehas
wit
hthisbi
blewil
lendsoonbecauseIwi llburni
t
downtoashesbecausei thasst artedtoir
rit
ateme.
All
sheknowt odobestist oreadt hebibleand
for
getaboutwhatli
fei
st hrowingatus.
Asifseei
ngherwasn'
tenough,
herhusbandgotout
ofthehouseandhesmir
kedwhenhesawme.I
cl
ickedmytongueandwalkedt
othebackofthe
house.

WheIgott
her
eani
deacameup.Whydon'
tIcal
lthe
womanandmay beIwi l
lbeluckytogetaj ob.Atthis
pointIwi
ll
wor kasany t
hingtogetoutofthishouse.
Icall
edherandl uckil
ysheanswer ed.Iknowi thasn'
t
beenlongsincet heydroppedmeof fsoIam j ust
crossi
ngmyf ingerssoshedoesn' ttakeme
somehow.

Her
:hel
l
o.
Me:
hey
,itKhensani
.
Her
:Khensani
?
Me:
ohy
eah,
thegi
rly
oudr
oppedof
fnotsol
ongago.
Her
:ohhey
.Youcal
l
edconcer
ningwhatIaskedy
ou
t
ocall
mefor?
Me:
No.Ical
l
edbecauseofsomet
hingel
se.
Her
:ohok.
..
Me:Iwaswonder
ingi
fyoudonothav
eaj
obf
orme,
Idon'
tbei
ngahousemaide.
Her
:actual
l
yIdowantahousemai
de,
cal
lmeagai
n
t
omorrow.
Final
lyIwil
lgetachancetodosomet hi
ngofmesel
f
andgetmysi steroutoft
hishouseandawayfr
om
thisabusi
vefatherofher
s.

Whatkindofaf
atherwouldthi
nkofsexual
lyabusi
ng
hi
sowndaughterunlesshehasnoheartatal
l.For
cr
yingoutl
oudGugui sonl
ytur
ning11soon.
HERSTRUGGLE

Chapt
er3

#Khensani

Thenextmor ni
ngIqui ckl
ypushedof
fmybl anket
s
rememberingthatIhav et
ocallt
hatwomen.Ineed
togetoutofthishousebef or
emom andthat
monsterwakeup, Ifi
rstwokeGuguupsot hatshe
coul
dgot oschool.

Me:
"Nana?Pf
uka"
(wakeup)
Gugu:
"Inkar
himuni
?"(
whatt
imei
tis?
)
Me:
"I
nkarhi
wowenaipf
ukauyaxikol
weni
"(i
t'
sti
me
f
oryoutowakeupandgotoschool)
Gugu:
"Okay
"
Me:
"Songami
kumbami
nant
ayani
yakut
sel
ekel
a
Mati
"(sor
toutt
hebl
anket
sI'
l
lgoandboi
lwat
erf
or
you"
Gugu:
"Okay
"

Iwenttoboi
lwaterforher.Luckil
yIhadalready
i
ronedheruni
formlastnightusinganironthatyou
hadtoputchunksinbecauset here'
snoelectr
ici
ty,
eventoboi
lwaterI
'veusedPr i
merst ov
e.

Aft
ersheleftt
oschoolIwenttobuya2r andai
rt
ime
sothatIcancall
thatwomen.Ical
ledheronmyway
backhome.

Me:
shepi
ckedupt
hephonei
mmedi
atel
y"heyi
t'
s
me"
Her
:"
Who?
"Itsoundedl
i
keshewasannoy
ed.
Me:
"Khensani
,yousai
dImustcal
lyout
oday
Her
:"
Iam sor
ryi
don'
tremembert
ell
i
ngy
out
hat
"
Me:
"I
t'
sthegi
rl
.y
ounear
lybumped"
Her
:"
Ohhhi
,howar
eyoudoi
ng"
Me:"
Iam good,
(oneminut
eremaini
ng)canyou
pl
easecall
meIdon'thaveenoughart
ime"
Her
:"
Okay
"

Af
terf
ewmi
nut
esshecal
l
edmeback

Me:
"Iam good"
Her
:"
Okay
,cany
oupl
easecomet
omyhouset
oday
?"
Me:"Idon'
tknowwher
eyoul
i
ve,
Idon'
tev
enhav
e
enoughmoney ."
Her:
"I
'l
lar
rangesomeonetocomeandpi
cky
ouup,
I
'l
lcal
lyoutoletyouknowwhent
heyar
eonthei
r
way."
Me:
"Okay
"

Idroppedthecal
landwalkedhomef eel
i
ngbett
er
knowingthatI
'l
lbeoutofthathousei
tsuff
ocat
es
me,oncehecomesbackdr unkIj
ustknowt hathe'
s
abouttopl
easur
ehimselfIhat
eitwhenmom j ustsi
t
ther
eandnotdoanythi
ng.Thenshepretendedto
notknowwhenIblur
teditout.

Ifoundmom sweepi
ngtheyar
dbeforeIwalkedi
n
thehouseIsawaBibl
eonthechai
rthatshewas
sit
ti
ngonIam sur
e.

Itookitbef
oreshenot i
cedme.Ihav etoburnthi
s
thi
ngmay beshe'llt
rytobeamot hertome,clear
ly
shelovesthisshitmorethanussosi nceIam about
toburnitshe'l
lstar
ttobeamot hertous.Iwentto
thedrawerandt ookthematchesandwentbackt o
theshacksot hatshedoesn'tnoticeme.

Me:
"Iam sor
rybutIhav
etodoit
,maybeshe'
l
lst
art
t
oreali
sehermist
akesandl
oveusagai
n."

Iknel
tdownl
i
ght
ingt
hemat
chandbur
nti
t,Ist
ood
upandwat
chedi
tbur
nint
oashes.

Mom:"
WenaKhensani
!Uendl
ayi
ni?
"(khensani
what
ar
eyoudoi
ng)
Me:
"swi
fanel
i
nimhani
"(
Ihadt
omom)
Mom:"wher
ewi
l
lIgett
hemoneyt
obuyanot
her
bi
ble?
"
Me:"DoIlookl i
keIcar emom?Mom y oudon' tcare
aboutus.Wheny ourhusbandr apesmey ouj ustsi
t
ther
eandpr ay,whatar eyouact ual
lyprayingf or
?
Huh?y ou'r
enotwomanenoughmom y oudon' t
knowmot herduties,somewomenar eeatingherbs
andspendi ngal otofmoneyj ustt ogetachi ldand
Wenawhengodgi vesyouchildrenwhatdoy oudo
toprotectthem?Huh?y oudonot hing,Iam theone
whol ooksaf t
erGugu.Mom y oudon' tcareaboutus,
youonlycar eaboutgoi ngtonightpr ayersandshi t
nx"
Mom:"Onedaythi
swil
lendGodi
swhat
chi
ng
you"
(shewipedhert
ears)
Me:
"Idon'
tcar
eaboutGod"

Iwentbacktothehouse,Iwast
ir
edofthetr
eatment
Iam recei
vi
nginthi
shousethesoonert
hebett
erI
getoutofthi
shousehol
d.

Whil
eIwasbusyf ol
dingGugu'
sclothes,myphone
cont
inuousl
ybeepedindi
cat
ingthatther
e'san
i
ncomingcall
.

Me:
"hey
"itwast
hatwomen
Her
:"
arey
our
eady
?"
Me:
"No!OhhGodl
etmegetr
eadynownow"
Her:
"NoIwant
edt otell
youthatborr
owsomecash
f
rom yourmom orneighbouryou'
l
lpayt
hem when
youcomeback"
Me:
"okay
,I'
l
lcomear
ound2."
Her
:"
Iwi
l
lsendt
headdr
essasanSMSj
ustnow.
"
Me:
"Okayt
hanks.'
Her
:"
alr
ight
"

Idroppedt
hecal l
andsangi njoyIwasf i
nall
ygoi
ng
togetoutofthisfor
biddenhouse,butIhadtowait
forGuguIcouldn'
tleaveheral
oneint hi
shouse
alone.
TheSMScamet hr
ough,
Ismiledatit.

WhenGugucamebackIt
oldhert
oputherback
packont
hebed.

Her
:"
Hiy
akwi
hikat
ati
?"(
siswher
ear
ewegoi
ng?
"
Me:
"Ni
kument
ir
ho"
(I
'v
efoundaj
ob)
Her
:"
Wow,Seil
avaminani
vonamulunguwa
Wena?(
soyouwantmetoseeyourboss?
)
Me:"Eya,
Guguahihi
ndihil
ekav
achomi y
awena
ni
lavaKulombamal i
yokhandiya"(
let
'spassbyy
our
fr
iendshouseIwanttoborr
owamoney .
)
Gugu:
"Okay
"
Gugu'
sfr
iend'
smot
herbor
rowedme50randIdidn'
t
t
ellmom wher
eweweregoingact
ual
l
yIescaped
wit
hher.

Thetaxidr
iverdr
oveustoMidr
andIam gl
adt
hat
shesentatextoftheaddr
ess.

Ataxi
stoppedatthet
axi
rank.Wegotof
fandwent
t
owher et
hesurbubswer
esituat
ed.

Gugu:
"hi
fi
ki
ni?
(hav
ewear
ri
ved?
"
Me:
"No"shenodded.
Iheldherhandwewalkedandwal keduntilwefound
ourselv
esinfr
ontofabiggate.Unfort
unatelywe
couldn'
tseeanyt
hingi
nsideotherthanthebigwhite
gate.

Me:
"hel
l
o,hel
l
o!"Ishout
ed
Gugu:
"uhl
eket
aingar
ivat
ahi
twa?"
(Doy
out
hink
t
hey'
ll
hearus)
Me:
"Ani
swi
ti
vi
"(
Idon'
tknow)

Ikeptonshoutingunti
lthegateopenedoni
tsown,I
foundmy sel
fstandi
nginfrontofabi
ghouseitwas
j
ustaf i
rstbr
ickhousebutt omeitwastoobi
g.

If
oll
owedt
hepaththatwasleadi
ngust othedoor
wi
thGuguaski
ngmequestions.Iknockedunt
ilt
hat
womanopenedthedoor
.

Her
:"
Youcamewi
thsomeone?
"
Me:
"yest
hisi
smyLi
lsi
sterGugu"
Her
:"
Ohhhi
Gugu"
Gugu:
"Ni
pfuki
ninwi
nami
njani
"(Iam wel
landy
ou?
"
Me:
"Gugu"Iwar
ned.her
Her
:"
ohhwav
alav
ula"(
yout
alk)
Shekeptqui
teandhel
dmyhandt
ight
ly.

Her
:"
ohhcomei
n"shel
edust
othel
oungeIassume

Her:"
SoasI '
vetol
dyouKhensani
right
?"Inodded"I
seey oucamewi t
hsomeonewhatIcant ell
youis
thatIwon'tbeabl
etoaccommodat et
het woify
ou"
Me:"
Soy oumeant
haty
oucan'
ttakecar
eoft
hebot
h
ofus?"
Her
:"
Yesy
ou'
l
lhav
etot
akeGuguback"
Me:
"CanIpl
easet
hinkaboutt
his?
"
Her
:"
Okay
,Iam gi
vi
ngy
out
woday
s"
Me:
"Thanky
ou"

Shegav
emeR100t
oret
urnbackhome

Gugu:
"Uwukumi
nint
ir
ho?
"(Di
dyougett
hej
ob?
Me:Il
aughedandl
ookather"
Nif
anel
eNiti
hleket
a
Kahl
enwanamhani(Ihav
etothi
nkaboutthi
s)
Gugu:
"Okay
"

Ibrushedherhai
randl
ookatt
her
oadt
hrought
he
window.
HERSTRUGGLE

Chapt
er4

Khensani

Whenwegothomet heani malwasst andi

ngout si
de
wait
ingforusi tseemed.Hel ookeddirect
lyatme,
thewayhisey espiercedmybodyIcoul dtel
lhe
wantedtofeast .Mom cameoutoft hehouseaswel l
,
shelookedatmewi thdisappoint
mentandhat e.It
didnotbotherme, Imightaswel lburnhertoo.
Mom: "
Wherear
eyoucomi
ngf
rom wi
thmydaught
er
Khensani
?"

Mymout hfell
,di
dshejustsuggestthatIwasn'
ther
daught
er.Idecidedtoi
gnoreher,IwalkedpastJohn
whoroughlygrabbedmyarm.Ilookedathim with
mynosef l
ared,whatwoul
dhappeni fIwouldpunch
hi
m?Ont hemout htobespecifi
c.
John:"Yourmotheri
stal
ki
ngt oyou,di
dyoutakemy
daughtertogoseeboys.I
sitsexthat'
sgi
vi
ngy ou
att
it
ude?"
Icl
enchedmyj
aws.
Me:"
Wewerej
ustt
aki
ngawal
kmom sor
ryf
ornot
t
ell
i
ngyou.
"
Mom: "
It
'sfi
ne,youhav
etocook.Idi
dn'
tknowyou
wouldgalavantt
hestr
eet
sother
wiseIwouldbel
ong
done.
"
Me:
"Thi
swhol
eti
mey
oudi
dn'
tcook?
"
Ichuckl
edindi
sbeli
ef,
John'
sgr
ipt
ight
enedonmy
arm.Icr
iedali
tt
le,
heletmego.

Lat
erthatni
ghtIsatdownwi
thGuguwhowas
l
ookingatmesadly.

Me:
"Ni
takuv
uyel
anwanamhani
,nakutshembhi
sa"(
I
wi
ll
comebackfory
ounana,
Ipr
omi se.
"
Gugu:"
Aninwut sakeli
mul unguwawena,i
ngar
iuna
mona"(Idon'tl
ikethatladyyou'
regoi
ngt
oworkfor
Khensanishelooksmean. )
Me:"Aswi
namhakatendhenikumemali,
yohirhur
ha
Lani
"(I
tdoesnotmat
ter,asl
ongasIwillmake
enoughmoneyandgetthebothofusoutofher
e.I
don'
tmind.
)

Shesi
ghedpl
ayi
ngwi
thherf
inger
s.

Gugu:
"I
fJohnt
ouchesme,
Iwi
l
lki
l
lhi
m."
Me:
"No!Youar
enotaki
l
lerGugu.
"
Gugu:
"Ihavewatchedthatmanabuseyousi
si!Iwi
ll
notl
ethim abusemet oo.
"t
rustmeshe'
s10years
ol
dbutshe'sbeenthroughahell
.

Iheldbot
hherhandsl
ooki
ngatherwi
thbeggi
ng
eyes.
Me:"
Hewon'
ttouchyouokay
,what
ev erhehasi
snot
agai
nsty
oubutme.Don'
tbenegat
ive."
Shenodded.Ihopesheunder
stoodme, Ican'
thav
e
mysist
erhavebloodofherownfatheronherhands.
Shewasn'tgonnabeabl
etol
eav
ewi
thsuch
baggage.

Whileatmysleepwhi
chneverreal
l
ycomesfull
y,I
fel
thishandsonmythighsbef
orehiswei
ght
hoveredovermybody
.
HepushedmesoIcoul dl
ayonmyback, hi
srough
handscoveredmymouth.Theydidn'
tevensmell
good,Idon'
tknowwhyheinsistedoncl
osingmy
mouthbecauseever
yoneinthishouseknewhewas
rapi
ngme.
Maybehedi
dthatsomyscreamswoul
dn'
thi
thi
s
gui
l
t,t
hat
'si
fhehadaconscious.
Hisbodyalwaysseemedtwosweatmoreandmore
eachday,Ihat
edhim.Ihat
edmenatlar
ge,i
fyou
wouldpassJohnbytheroadyouwoul
dcallmeali
ar.
Iguessr
api
stsdon'
treal
l
yshow.
.
Ididn'twai
tforsunr
ise,Icoul
dn't
.Ipackedmy
clothesandcheckedforthechangef r
om themoney
theladyIwasgonnawor kforgaveme.Ismeltl
ike
him, Ihat
edsmelli
nglikehim.
Iboi
ledwaterintheshackandbathedt
herehur
ri
edl
y.
Idi
dn'tsaygoodbyetomysister
,Icoul
dn'
tsay
goodbyebecauseitwasgonnabreakmyheart.

IwalkedtotheTaxist
opwat
chi
ngthesunri
sein
ant
icipat
ion,t
hefi
rstt
axi
cameonl
y2hourslat
er.

Iarr
ivedatt hehouseear
ly,
Idi
dn'
tneedt othi
nk
honestl
y .Ihadtoleav
eGuguforthebothofus.
Otherwisewewer egonnali
veourenti
reli
vesslav
es
ofJohn.
OnceagainIshout
ed,t
hegateonl
yopenedhal
fway
t
hrough.Theladywal
kedoutwear
ingheel
s.
Her
:"
Sweet
ythi
sisasubur
banar
eay
oudon'
tshout
,
thatt
hingther
eisabuzzer
.Youpr
essi
tandIwi
l
l
openforyou.Fol
lowme."

Igulpedf
earful
lyandf
oll
owedher ,myroom was
i
nsidethehouseneartheki
tchen.Sheshowedme
aroundandtoldmewhatIneededt odo.Isi
ghed
onceshewasout .
Iheardthedooropenwhil
eIwascleani
ngthel
ivi
ng
room.It ur
nedar
oundshocked.I
twastheguyshe
waswi thwhentheyal
mostranmeov er
.He
chuckled.
Hi
m:"
Whatthef
uckar
eyoudoi
ngher
e?Andwher
e
i
sAmanda?
"
Me:
"I
'm amai
dandshej
ustl
eft
."
Him:"
Goodthi
ngI
'
ml eav
ingt
oday,Iwoul
dn'
tst
and
suchfi
lt
h.Howdi
dsheevenhir
eyou?"
Il
ookedathim off
endedwit
hnor esponse.Iwent
backtocl
eaningthecoff
eetabl
e,hesatdownand
pl
acedhisfeetri
ghtbel
owmyf ace.
Hi
m:"
Gomakemebr
eakf
ast
,ful
lengl
i
shwar
m
breakfast
.Myf i
shf
ingersmustbebaked, Myeggs
musthav e4dropsofTabascoandt heymustbehalf
done.Ialsoli
kemytomat ofr
ied,Idon'
tli
kefr
esh
toast.Myteamusthav eoneteaspoononhoneyand
useSoymi lk,
nocoffee.Yougotthat?Idon'
tcar
e,go
makemef ood."
Ihel
dtheclothcl osetomychestwi
thMrMi n
dumbfounded, Ibli
nked10000ti
mesi n5seconds.I
sti
l
ltur
nedaroundandwor kedawayregar
dlessof
nothear
ingat hing.
HERSTRUGGLE

(I
t'
stooshor
t,Iwasbusyt
hewhol
eday
)
Chapt
er5

Arrivi
ngatt hekit
chen, Ididn'trememberawor dof
whathet ol
dmet omakef orhi m.Whyi si tthat
ever ywher eIgomi seryfollowsme.Whyi sthat
ever yt
hi ngaroundmehast onotgor ight.Istood
therel ookingaroundt heki tchenwhi l
er emember i
ng
whathet ol
dme.Iam her etowor kandIwi llbarethe
toturej ustsoIcanmakemoneyt omov eGuguout
oft hathouse.Myhur tbr okey esterdaywhenshe
tol
dmeaboutki l
li
ngJohni fhet ri
esany thingwi t
h
her.Ithur tstoknowt hatshehasl ongknownoft he
struggl eIhav ebeengoi ngt hroughont hatman' s
hand.Mysi st
erisnowhav i
ngbadt hought sbecause
ofamanwhowassupposedt obeherr olemodel .A
personwhowassupposedt oprotectherwi thevery
beingi nhi m butamonst ercannot .
Fi
nal
l
y,Ir
emember
edwhathewant
ed;
eggs.It
ri
ed
allbesti
ndoingwhatheaskedofme.Af
terI
fi
nished,Iwentbackt
othesit
ti
ngr
oom andhewas
therewatchi
ngTV.
Me:
yourf
ood.
Isai
dwhil
eplaci
ngthetrayoffoodbef
orehim.He
tookagl
anceatthefoodwithanastyl
ookthenup
hewentt
omewi thdisgustret
urnal
loverhi
sface.
Hi
m:Whati
sthi
s?
Me:
yourf
ood.
Hi
m:i
sthi
swhatIaskedf
or?
Me:
I..
.
Wit
houtevenconducti
ngaful
lsentenceaslap
l
andedonmycheekandt henextthingthatf
oll
owed
wasthefoodthrownatmewiththepl at
ehit
ti
ngme
andfal
li
ngdownont hefl
oorl
uckil
yt hewasacarpet
soitdi
dn'
tbreak.
Il
ookedathi
m wit
htear
yeyes.WhenIcamehereI
di
dn'
tknowthatIwasgonnafacesuchat
hing.
Hi
m: st
oplookingatmel
i
ket
hatandgomakeme
pr
operbreakf
ast.
Me:
Iam nother
etoser
vey
ou?
Hechuckled.Idon'
tknowwhatgotovermebut
angersuddenlyt
ookov ermeandIgavei
ntoi
t.
Enoughisenough,
Ican'
tcont
inuesuf
fer
ingt
he
handsofmen.
"
Whati
sal
lthi
s?"
Avoicesaid.Myhear
tstart
edpoundingf
ast.Ij
ust
hopethatshedoesn'
ttakeall
thi
sthewrongway .
Amanda:
whati
sal
lthi
sKhensani
?
Sheaskedwhi l
elooki
ngatthemessont hecarpet.
Theeggsandt omatoeswereal
loverthecarpet,
the
car
petIjustf
ini
shedcleani
ngnotsolongago.
Hi
m:Whydi
dyouhi
ret
hist
hingAmanda?
Hehadanexpr essi
ononecouldnotexplain.He
l
ookedliketheinnocentpersoninall
thi
swher eelse
Iam t
hei nnocentone.Ateardropped.I
tlooksli
keI
canneverescapemySt r
uggle.
Amanda:
Ineededamai
deLani
.
Hi
m:coul
dn'
tyouatl
easthi
readecentmai
d?
Amanda:
thi
sismyhouseLani
,Icanhi
rewhoev
erI
want
.
Hi
m:nx.
Hecli
ckedhist
ongueangr
il
yandwal
kedoutwhi
l
e
spi
tt
ingfi
re.
Theni
tal
ltur
nedt
ome
Amanda:
expl
ain.
Idon'
tevenknowwheretost
artnar
rat
ingwhatreal
l
y
happenedwit
houtsoundi
ngl
i
keIam badmout hi
ng
herman.
Me:
Idi
dn'
tmeant
ober
udet
oyourman.
..
Amanda:
whatman?
Me:
yourman.
Amanda:Khumbul
ani
isnotmyman,
heusmy
br
other
.
Me:
ohIdi
dn'
tknow.
Amanda:
nowt
ell
me.Whyi
smycar
petf
ull
off
ood?
Me:
Khumbul
ani
askedmet
o..
.
"
Heyheyhey
!"
Wet
urnedandt
her
ehest
oodl
ooki
ngal
langr
ier
.
Hi
m:soy
ouwannabadmout
hmet
omysi
ster
!
Me:
No.
..
Him:sothisi
swhyy ouhi
redherAmanda,
togetme
outofyourhouse?
Amanda:
no,
notatal
l
.
Hi
m: JustsayitAmanda,sayi
twhenyoudon'
twant
meint hehouseinst
eadofgoi
ngoutt
heresear
chi
ng
f
orrats!
Amanda:
cal
m downLani
.
theywereargui
ngl i
keIwasn'
tintheroom andworst
ofallt
heywerear gui
ngbecauseofinawaywher e
oneinsul
tedmej ustli
keIwasntheretol
istent
o
them.

#Gugu
Iwoketonotf i
ndi
ngKhensi anywherei
nsidethe
house.Icheckedherwardrobeandherclotheswer
e
al
lgone.Thatmeansshel eftwi
thoutevensayinga
wordtomebutatl eastIknowwher eshewent .
Ipreparedabathformy sel
fsoIcannotbelatef
or
school.Itmusthavebeenhar df
orKhensit
oleav
e
thehouseaf t
erbei
ngmol estedbyJohn.
Igrewupknowi ngthatJohnisagoodmanand
fatherbutt
hatall
changedwhenIwenttoKhensi'
s
room onenightwhenIwentt oherr
oom t
hatni
ght
becauseIhadani ghtmareandwasscar
edtosleep
alone.
Irememberopeningthedoortoherroom j
usttof i
nd
myownf atherontopofherwhil
eshewascr y
ing.
Shebeggedhimt ostopbuthedidn'
t,t
heydidn't
evenheart
hedooropeningandIquicklycl
osedi t
andranbacktomyr oom andcri
edmy sel
ftosleep.
Il
ostmyr espectforJohnt
hatdayandevent
odayal
l
IseewhenIl ookathimisadogthatf
eedsonthe
helpl
ess.
"
Uri
l
elay
ini
kaGugu?
"(Whyar
eyoucr
ying?
)
Mymom said.Idi
dn'
tevenknowt hatIwascr yi
ng.
Thinki
ngofhowKhensi
goest hr
oughall t
hebad
thi
ngsinl
if
eandespeci
all
ybecauseofmyf ather
hurtsmeandmakemecr yeveryti
meIt hinkabouti
t.
Me:
not
hingmama.
Mom:ehoho.Uendl
ayi
nil
aha?(
Whatar
eyoudoi
ng
her
e?)
Me:
boi
l
ingwat
ert
obat
h.
Mom:
isn'
tthatKhensani
'
sjob?
Me:Whydoy oualwaystr
eatKhensani
li
keasl
ave?
I
sn'
tsheyourdaughter
?
Mom: hewenaGuguuvul
avul
anami
naso?(
Arey
ou
t
alki
ngtomeliket
hat
)
Me:
nx!
Icl
ickedmyt ongueandwal
kedoutonher.Ithas
beenlongsinceIkeptmycool
withthi
swoman.This
thi
ngifherbeingamothert
omeonlyr unsoffonme
badly.
HERSTRUGGLE

Chapt
er6

Amandasorr
yImeantmybosst ol
dmet osetan
al
armtowakeupearl
ysothatIcanpackherbag
si
nceshe'
sgoingonabusi
nesstri
p.

Amanda:
"Pl
easebef
astIhav
etobeatt
hemeet
ing
i
n7hours"
Me:
"Shoul
dImakebr
eakf
astf
ory
ou?
"
Amanda:
"Yheapl
easef
ini
sht
hatsot
haty
oucango"
Me:
"Okay
"

Sheleftt
ot hebat
hroom inahurryIal
sohavet
oget
donepackingherstuffsothatIcangoandmakeher
breakf
ast.Honest
lyIdon'tknowwhattomakeasfor
meIam usedoft eaev er
ymor ni
ngwithfr
eshl
oaf
breadandmar gar
ine,weeatbutterwhenmom went
toshoppingwitht
heli
ttl
echangeofgr
oceri
esshe
wouldbuymar gar
ineandR7palonywearei
tforone
daysinceiti
snottoomuch.

Il
efttheroom af
terpackinghersui
tecase.Iwentto
cookeggssinceIknowhowt ocookthem, Ial
so
di
lut
edor osj
uicetookthreesl
iceofbreadhopeshe
l
ovethem Ialsohavetoimprovemycl i
ckingskil
l
s
sothatIcangetpromotion.

Me:
"Her
e'sy
ourbr
eakf
ast
"
Amanda:
sher
aisedherey
ebr
ows"what
'st
his?Eggs
andbr
eadonl
y?"
Me:"
sinceyoudi
dn'
ttel
lmewhattocookfory
ouI
'
d
f
igur
edy ou'
dlov
esomeeggswithbread"
Amanda:
"Ar
eyoukiddi
ngme?Siswakeupyou'
re
worki
ngi
nMidrandnoti
nTembisawher
eyoubump
i
ntomouse'
severy
whereyougo.
"
Thatki
ndahi
thome,
inf
acti
thi
thome.
Me:
"Iam sor
ryl
etmegoandf
ixt
his"
Amanda:
"Nol
eav
eit
,I'
l
ldr
ivet
hrough"

Inoddedandwentoutofherr oom, wowshe' sact

ing
l
ikeRamaphosa' schild.Iguesst heydon'teatwhat
I'
vemadeher einMi drandIam f r
om Tembi saof
coursewherewi l
lIknowf ul
lEngl i
shbreakfast?
MaybeifIgot ointernetcafeandGoogl ehowt o
cookEngli
shbr eakfastect .
..

Gugu

TodaymymoodwassodownIkeptonmi ssi
ng
Khensanimaybeshewi
l
lcomebackr
ichandtakeus
outofthi
splace.

Irushedbackhomeschool wasgoodt oday.We

werewr i
ti
ngami nitaskmyt eachert
oldmet hatI
mustwor khardbecauseI'vefai
ledmom i sgoingto
shoutatmef ort
his,Ishouldhavestudiedhard,I
decidedtorunmay beI'
ll
findKhensanback.
Me:"Khensani
"Ishout
edandbargedi
n.Isawthe
shockofmyl i
fe,dadwasontopofanot
herwoman
thatwasnotmymom, It
hinkhewascry
ingIguess.

Dad:"
Guguhumal ani
!(getoutofher
e)"Heshoul
d.I
qui
cklygotout(bangingt hedoorwi
thmy
for
ehead)ofthehouseIdon' twantt
oangerhim he
mightbeatmewi thhisbel t
.Ir
annotknowingwhere
Iwasrunningto,Iwasnotcr yi
ngwhereismom?
Khensanilef
tmewi tht hatman.

Voi
ce:"
WenaGuguuy akwi
hi(Guguwhereareyou
goi
ng?"Thatwasmymom'sv oi
ceIknowit
,Itur
ned
andrantoher
.Itr
iedt
ohugherbutshepushedme.
Mom:
"Ur
il
elay
ini
?(Whyar
eyoucr
ying?
)
Me:
"Ni
hleket
esesi
(Imi
ssmysi
ster
)
Mom: "
Ungalav
i kut
anipengel
ami nanwaku,ani
dababaler
iyatochuzeKuny enga(Don'
tbecrazy
here,
thatbi
tchchosetoleavethehouse)"sheyel
l
s
Me:
Icr
iedsi
l
ent
ly,
ifonl
ykhensani
washer
eshe
woul
dhav
epr
otect
edme.
Mom: "
Nowl i
stenher
e,i
fIhearyout
alki
ngabout
khensanii
nmyhousey ou'
l
lfoll
owher"Inodded
"Good,l
et'
sgohome."
Me:
"Nomom, wai
twhydon'twegoandtrytosell
t
heseatt
hecomplex."Imeantt
hebeadsthatshe
washol
ding.
Mom:"AhifambinwanangakumbehingaKumamal i
yoxav
al of
o( l
et'
sgomychildmaybewewoul dget
t
hemoneyt obuyloaf
)"Iwi
pedmytearsand
f
oll
owedher .

Khensani

Aftermybossl eftIdeci
dedt ocl
eant hehouseand
thecarpetthathaveeggsy ester
day,Iwasbusy
wipingthetablewhenIfelteyespiecingthroughmy
skin,It
urnedbackandf oundKhumbul anistar
ingat
me.
Me:"
Hi,doy
ouwantmet omakey
ousomet
hing?
"I
humbledmysel
fandaskedhi
m
Hi
m:"Idon'
teatshit
"hesatdownandplacedhi
slegs
ont
hecof f
eetablethatIwascl
eani
ng
Me:
"CanIpl
easefi
nishcleani
ngt
het
abl
eher
e,y
ou'
l
l
wat
chTVafterIam done"
Him:"
Don'
ttal
kshi
tman,
whatar
eyouev
endoi
ng
here?
"
Me:
"I
.I
.I
..
."Ist
utt
ered
Hi
m:"Can'
ttal
k?"Hewasnowst
andi
ngIdon'
tknow
what
'swrongwithhi
m
Me:"Sor
rysi
rl etmegoandcl eanel
sewher
ewher e"I
tur
nandat t
emptt ogoheroughl
ytookmyarm and
thr
owameansl ap.Hel
eftmeshockedandshaking,
aski
ngmy selfwhyhedi dthat
.
Him:"
Don'teverImeanev ergowhi
leIam st
il
ltal
ki
ng,
Iam thebossyou'r
easl aveher
eunderst
and?"I
noddedwithtearsstr
eamingdownmycheeks, my
facewasburningwithrage.
HERSTRUGGLE.

Chapt
er7

#Khensani

Idon' tknowwhyl i
fehasthiski
ndoft hi
ngsst or
ed
forme.Bei ngslappedforsuchaninappropriate
reason.Ishouldnotcry,Ihavetobarethisforthe
sakeofGugu.Iwasst il
lhol
dingmycheekwhenhe
returnedandIfearedformyot hercheek.Whati fhe
i
sher etoslapmeagain,heknowsv erywel lt
hatI
willnotstandupt ohi
m becauseIneedt hisjob.

Hi
m:l
et'
sgo.
Me:
wher
e?
Hi
m:don'
taskmest
upi
dquest
ions.
Ihadt
of ol
lowhim becauseIdi
dn'
twanthi
mtosl
ap
meagain.Heledmet ohiscarwher
eheopenedt
he
frontdoorf
ormewhi cht
ookmebysur pri
se.I
thoughthewouldfor
cemet oopenthedoorforhi
m
i
nst eadofwhathehasdonenow.Peoplecan
becomegent l
emenwhent heywantneh.

Wi t
houtwasti
nganyti
meIgotinsi
debef
orehe
slapsmef orwast
ingt
ime.Hewentar
oundthecar
tohissideandgotint
henstar
tedt
hecar
.
Hedrov
eoutoft
hecompoundwi
thoutmeut
ter
ing
anywordt
ome.

Duri
ngthedr
iveIwasaskingmysel
fwherehecoul
d
betaki
ngme.Ikeptonsteal
inggl
ancesathi
m unt
il
hi
sphonerang.

Hi
m:Si
s!
Hesaidandt heimpossi
blehappened.Theperson
whoisont heothersi
deofthecallspokeonthe
radi
o.Ineverknewthatsuchthi
ngshappen.InfactI
neverknewthatcall
scanbeanswer edthr
ought he
car
'sr
adi
o.
Maybei
tsbecausethisi
saluxur
iouscarsoi
thast
o
hav
ethi
skindkftechnol
ogy
.
Voi
ce:
Howf
arar
eyou?Ineedt
hosebeadsnowLani
Av
oicet
hatsoundedl
i
keAmanda'
svoi
cespoke.
Hi
m:chi
l
lwi
l
lyou,
Iam dr
ivi
ngt
otownt
ogett
hem.
Amanda:
Town?Don'
twehav
esomeathome?
Hi
m:No.
Amanda:
Damn,
mycl
i
entwon'
tbehappyaboutt
his.
Hi
m: wor
rynotmysi
ster
,myfr
iendtoldmeabout
t
hisoldl
adywhosel
l
sbeaut
if
ul beads.
Amanda:
okpl
easehur
ry.
Aft
ert
hecal
l
,thecarst
art
edmovi
ngonaf
astspeed
andwi
thi
nabli
nkofasecondwewer
eint
own.

#Gugu

Ther
easonIt
oldmymom t
hatweshoul
dn'
tgo
homebutinsteadgotosell
beadswasbecauseI
didn'
twanthertowit
nesswhatIwitnessedinthe
housealt
houghitwouldhaveopenedherey esifshe
sawit.I
twouldhavemadeherseet hereasonwhy
Khensanil
eftthi
shouse.
Iam evenscar
edt omenti
onKhensani
'snamenow
becauseIdon'
twanthertothr
owmeoutassoon
Khensanii
ssti
llhust
li
ngtogetusoutofher
esoI
don'
twannadisturbheri
nherhust
le.

Wear ri
vedatthestati
onwher ewesellbeadsand
preparedthestati
on.Weplacedthebeadsinan
attr
activ
eway .Thegoodthingaboutthisst
ati
onis
thatevenpeoplewhodr i
vecanpassbyher eandbuy
sothisbringsinmoremoneyf orus.Iknowforsur
e
thatwewon' tl
eaveherewithoutsel
li
ng.

Mom:IknowthatIhavenotbeenfai
rtoyoursi
ster
andi
tisal
lbecauseIwantthebestf
orher.
Ir
oll
edmyeyes.
sheevenhasthener
vet
osayshe
wantst
hebestf
orKhensani
whereel
seshewas
i
nsult
inghernotsol
ongago,
Isomet
imesdon'
t
under
standthi
swoman.
Me:
mmh,
Iheary
ou.
Ij
ustdi
dn'
twannaenter
tai
nthi
sconv
ersati
onthe
samewaysheisn'
ti
nter
estedi
nmysister
'sst
ruggl
e.
Mom: n'
wanami nandzi
tshembi.Iam doi
ngall
thi
s
becauseKhensanii
sali
ar.(
Trustmemychi l
d)
Me:
mom canwenotdot
his.

Ri
ghtaft
erIsai
dthataf
ancycarpar
kedr
ighti
nfr
ont
ofourst
ati
on.

#Khensani

Heparkedri
ghti
nfrontofmymother
'sstat
ion.The
st
ati
onthathasbeenfeedi
ngusf
oral ongti
meand
i
ssti
llst
andi
ng.
Ther
eshewaswit
hGugu.Acarl
iket
hisnev
er
st
oppedr
ighti
nfr
ontoft
hei
rst
ati
onandImean
nobodyt
hisr
ichnev
erboughtbeadsf
rom her
.

Hi
m:goandbuybeadsf
orme.
HesaidandIjustl
ookedathim.'
Doesheknowmy
f
amil
y?'Iaskedmyself.Imeanfr
om allt
heplaces
t
hatsell
beadshecamet othi
sstat
ionbutei
therway
t
hiswil
lhelpmymot her.
Hehandedme5R100not
es.
Hi
m:wi
l
lthatbeenought
ogetatl
east20beads.
Thi
sismor
ethanenoughIf
acthewi
l
lhav
echange.
Mymot herdoesn'
tsel
lherbeadsinapriceyamount
becauseall
shewantsisf orpeopl
etobuyandfor
hertogetmoneytobuyf ood.EachbeadcostR10
andhereisthi
smangivingmeR500.
It
ookR200andgav
ehi
m backt
heR300.Me:
Thi
s
wi
llbeenough
Isai
dwhi l
ehandinghi
mt hemoney
.Hest
atedatme
forawhilethenl
ookedforwar
dtomymot
her'
s
stat
ion.
Hi
m:l
ooksl
i
ket
heywi
l
lneedt
hatmoney
,ti
pthem
wi
thi
t.
Awhol
eR300t
ip!
HERSTRUGGLE

Chapt
er8

#Khensani

"
Ican'
tgot
her
e"AndIf
inal
l
ytol
dhi
m.
Ir
anawayfrom home.Whatwil
lmymot hersay
whensheseesmegetoffsuchanexpensivecar
?
Shel
ivedherl
if
etoj
udgeme.Iknowshewi
l
ljudge
meforthi
stoo.
Icoul
dn'
tfacemyyoungsist
ert
oo,
Iknewhowmuch
Itwoul
dbreakmeseeingher
.

Hegav
emeadeat
hst
are.
Him:"
Isaidgobuybeadsforme.Idi
dn'
tasky
oui
f
youwantedtogoornot!
"
Wi
thatai
lbehindme,
Idr
aggedmyf
eett
omy
mot
her
'sstat
ion

Gugu:"
Khensi
!"Sheshout
edandj
umpedi
njoywhen
shesawme.

Shei
ssuchahappychi
l
d.
HowIwi
shJohnwoul
dnev
erl
ayhi
sfi
l
thyhandson
her
.
Iwisht
hingsweredif
fer
ent.IwishAmandawoul
d
j
ustchangehermindandaskmet ogohomeand
fet
chGugu.IwishIcoul
djust.
..Idon'
tknow.
Itpainsmetothinkofthepossibil
iti
est
hatcomes
withwhatJohnmi ghtdotomyy oungsist
er.Shei
s
aninnocentchi
ldandIdon'twishf orhi
mt odo
anythingt
hatwouldbreakherapar t.

I
'
vehandledt
hepain,
thesexualabusefrom John.
I
'
veprot
ectedGugufr
om him sosuchal ongti
me.
I
'
vesharedsi
lentt
ear
ssohewoul dn'tcome
any
wherenearher
.Andri
ghtnow,itki
ll
edmeso
muchtoknowthatIwasfarf
rom herandwoul
dn'
t
beabl
etoprot
ectherany
more.

Me:
"Gugu!
!"
Her:
"Imi
ssedyou.Ar
eyouback?Ar
eyougoi
ng
homewit
hus.Youcamebackforme?"
West oodabitf
arf
rom mymot
herbutt
oocl
oset
o
hearevery
thi
ngwesai
d
Iknel
tbef
oreher
.
Taki
ngR100fr
om theR300t
ipandqui
ckl
yhandedi
n
toherasi
fIwashuggi
ngher
Mama:
"Kensani
!"
Me:
"Mama"
Mama:"
Khensani.Whatar
eyoudoi
ngher
e?Wher
e
t
hehel
lwhereyou?"
Ihandedhert
heR200
Me:
"Ineedbeads"
Her
:"
Wher
edi
dyougett
hatmoney
?"

Khumbul
ani
:
"Hai
ymakei
tqui
ck!
!"
Mama:
"Iknewy
ouwer
easl
ut!
!"

Ii
gnor
edherhelpi
ngmysel
fwi
thpacki
ngt
hebeads
i
ntheplast
ic.

Iwal
kedawaybef
orewi
nki
ngt
oGugu.
Ihopesheseest
hemoney
.

#Gugu

Myhear
tbr
okewhenshel
eftagai
n.
Mama:
"Let
'sgo"
Wepackedawayt
hebeadsandwentbackhome.
"
Ican'
tbeli
eveKhensani
.Ican'
tbel
iev
eher!
"She
wentontosaywhenwewer eonourwayhome.

Iknowi
t'
sbestf
orhert
hatshel
eft
.
Iknowshewi
l
lcomebackf
orme.
Iknowshewontl
i
vemet
osuf
feri
nthehandson
John.

Johnwaswai
ti
ngf
orusatt
hedoorwhenwegot
home.
Ugl
yemot i
onsclawedatmyi
nsi
des:
anger
,
bi
tt
erness,
fear
.
Yesf
ear
.

Iwentst
rai
ghtt
omyr oom.Iwashappyt
ofi
ndt hat
thegi
rlt
hatwasher
ewi t
hJohnwasgoneal
ready.
It
ookoutt
hemoneyt
hatKhensi
hadgi
venme,
it
wasR100.
Iwashappy
.Iwi
l
lsav
eitt
ogoseeherwhenImi
ss
her
.

Ihear
dfoot
stepscomi
ngt
owar
dsmyr
oom.
iqui
ckl
y
hi
dethemoney .
Johnmadehi
swayi
nsi
det
her
oom.
Isatst
il
l
Hi
m:"Wher
eisy
oursi
ster
?"
Me:
"Idon'
tknow"
Hi
m:"Ar
eyoul
yi
ngt
ome?
"
Me:
"Idon'
tknowr
eal
l
y"

Icurl
edmykneest omychestwhenhecamecloser
.
Ishutmyeyesclosedandsai
dasil
entpr
ayer
.I'
m
notready
.I'
m onl
y10y ear
s.
Idon'
twanthi
mtot
ouchme

Hef
orcef
ull
ygr
abbedmyl
egandIcr
iedi
npai
n
"
Mama!
!!
"Ishout
edi
npai
n.
Hi
ssmel
l
yhandcov
eredmymout
h
Him: "
Shhhyouknowy ourmotherwontcomei
n
here.Youbet
tershutupbefor
eIhurtyou"
Me:
"Idon'
tknowwher
eshei
s"
Hi
m:"
Youwi
l
ltel
lmewher
eshei
sor
..
."
Her
ubbedhi
shandot
herhandonmyv
agi
na.

Ihav
enev
erbeensof
ri
ght
enedofany
thi
ngl
i
ket
his
i
nmywholel
if
e.

Hest
oodupandf
ixedhi
msel
f
Him:
"Youwil
ltel
lmewhereyoursi
steri
s.OrIwi
l
lbe
comi
nginher
emor eof
ten"
Hewal
kedout

-
Khensani
Ispendther
estoft
hedayt
ryi
ngt
ocl
eant
hisbi
g
house.
Iwasablet
obr
eat
hbecauseKhumbul
ani
hadt
aken
thebeadst
ohi
ssi
ster
.

Ial
sowant
edt
ocook.
Ther
ewasnot
hingf
ami
l
iari
nthef
ri
dge.
Ifi
nall
yfoundchi
ckenandIl
eti
tdef
rostt
hen
cookedrice.
Iknowhowt
ocookRi
ce.
Mymot
heral
way
scookedi
tforusonChr
ist
mas.
Iknowthedr
il
l.I
'
veal
wayswatchedhercookf
orus.
Theprobl
em wasusi
ngt
hestove.
Ist
oodforhour
sbefor
eit
.Idi
dn'
tknowwhatt
odo
orwher
etopress.

Khumbul
ani
wal
kedbacki
nthehouse.
If
earhi
m,Icoul
dn'
tev
enaskhi
m howdoIoper
ate
t
hest
ove.
Him:
Whatar
eyoudoing?Arey
ounotsupposedt
o
bemaki
ngmesomethingt
oeat?"
Me:
"Thi
ngi
s..
.Ican'
tuset
hest
ove"
Him:"
Whatdoy
oumeany
oucan'
tuset
hest
ove.I
'
m
hungr
y!!
"
Ikeptqui
et.
Hef
orcef
ull
ygr
abbedmyar
m.
"
Am Inott
alki
ngt
oyou?
"
Icoul
dfeel
tear
sont
hev
ergeofmyey
es.

Ij
ustneededt
oworktobeablet
opr
ovidef
orGugu
andI,
farawayfr
om Johnandhi
swi
fe.

Hi
m:"Amandajustwentoutandbr
oughtt
hisdi
rt
y
t
hingtobepurmaid!
!Nxx!"
Hecl
i
ckedhi
stongueandwal
kedaway
.
Ist
oodt
her
enotknowi
ngwhatt
odonext
.
Therewereandfi
nal
l
yrememberi
nghowImanaged
tousethestov
ewhencooki
ngeggs.
Iswi
tchedi
nonandst
art
edcooki
ng.
Ther
icecameoutal
ri
ght
.
Thechickentoo,
justapi
nchofsal
tandmi
nest
rone
soupthenitwasgood.

Isear
chedf
orMay
onnai
seandt
omat
osauce.
Neat
lypour
edthem ont
heri
ceandchi
ckenandt
ook
t
hem toKhumbulani
int
hesi
tti
ngr
oom.
Asal
way
s,hi
sfeetwer
epl
acedont
hecof
feet
abl
e.
Ipl
acedt
hepl
atebesi
deshi
sshoes.

Hi
m:"y
oumustbeki
ddi
ngme"
Il
ookedathi
m.Ihadout
donemysel
f,whatmor
e
di
dhewantfrom me?
Hi
m:"
Taket
hisshi
tpl
ateoutofmysi
ghtnow!
!What
ki
ndofnonsensei
sthi
s?"
Me:
"I.
."
Catcaughtmyt
ongue
Him:"Doyoufuckenwantt
oki
l
lme?Whot
hehel
l
eatssuchki
ndoff ood?
"
Ikeptqui
et

Hi
m:"
Takei
t!
!"
Iqui
ckl
ytookt
hepl
atebackt
otheki
tchen.
AsIpl acedi
tbackonthetable,Icouldfeelmywor l
d
cl
osingi nonme.No,t
hiswast oomuchf ormet o
handle.Ihadtohol
donf orGugut houghbutt r
uthbe
spoken.Deathfel
tbet
terthanthisstruggles.
Icoul
dnott
akei
t.
Ihadn'
thadsomet
hingt
oeat
.Iwashungr
ybut
afr
aidt
oeat
"
Sincemysi st
eri
snotar ound,
Ithi
nkyoushould
wearthatandwalkaroundthehousewit
hit.Maybe
i
twill
changehowIf eelaboutyou!
"Hesaidbehi
nd
meandt
hrewsomet
hingatme.
Ipi
ckedi
tupandl
ookedati
t.
Ther
ewasnowayIwoul
dweart
hat
.
Il
ookedati
t.Iwoul
dpr
act
ical
l
ybenaked.
Hi
m:"Andbat
h!!Di
dyouseehowdi
sgust
ingy
ou
ar
e?"

Tobecont
inued

Li
ke,
shar
eandcomment
HERSTRUGGLE

Chapt
er9

#Khensani

Ther
eisal
way
sat
eart
ocommuni
cat
eev
eryf
eel
i
ng.
Thei
nnocencet
hatwasr
ubbedof
f.
Thechi
l
dhoodt
hatwasscat
ter
ed.
Theest
eem t
hatwasr
obbed.
Thel
ovet
hatwasst
olen.
Endl
essf
eel
i
ngst
hatwer
edest
roy
ed.

AndthereIstoodt
her
eal
lfr
ozen.Idi
dn'
tknowwhat
todoreall
y.
Andfi
nall
ycomingbacktomysenses.Ipi
ckedi
tup
andwalkedt
otheroom Iwasshownitwasmine.
Il
ockedt
hedoor
.Andsatont
hebed.
Ther
oom wasmuchni
cert
hanmybedr
oom i
nour
smal
lhouse.
Butthehugebedandheav
ydr
apesf
rami
ngal
arge
windowleftmecol
d.
Theroom mi
ghtbespaci
ous,
buti
twasf
armor
e
maturedt
hanme.

Let
ti
ngal
ltheemot
ionst
hathadbeenbur
ieddeep
i
nsi
deall
out.
It
houghtl
i
fewoul
dcomebet
teri
nthi
shouse.
IthoughtFindi
ngworkwoul
dmakemehappyt
o
knowt hatIwouldf
inal
l
ymakeapl
anf
orGuguand
me.

Myphoner
ang.
Andqui
ckl
yIanswer
edseei
ngt
hati
twasAmanda.
"
SisAmanda"
Her:"
HeyIwascal
li
ngt
ofi
ndouti
fthi
ngswer
est
il
l
okayint
hehouse?
"
Iheav
edasi
gh
Me:
"Yes"
Her
:"AndKhumbulani?Ihopehei
snotdoi
ng
any
thi
ngheshoul
dn'tbedoing.
"

Heisherbr
other
,shewoul
dn'
ttr
ustmeev
eni
fIhad
t
oldherwhathewantedmetodo
Me:
"No,
ever
ythi
ngi
sokay
?"
Her:"
Okay ,
I'
m sorr
yIforgottoletyouknowy ou
havetochangeallthebedroom bedlinens.Ihave
newonesi ntheguestbedroom, j
ustcheckt hetop
drawer.Don'
tworryaboutmakinghi m anymeal, he
canorderinforbothofyou.I'
l
lbecomi ngbacki n
twoday sti
me"

Ikeptonnoddi
ngonev
ery
thi
ngshesai
d
Her
:"Thegardenguycomes,thr
eetimesaweek.
Andyoushoul
dmakehi m somet
hingtoeat
."

Me:
"Wi
l
ldo"
Her:"
Andpleasedon'
tmakehimt heeggsandbr
ead
t
hing.Makehim somet
hingdecent"

Her:"Ihavetogetready
,I'
l
lcal
lKhumbul
ani
for
ever
ythingIneed.
"
Inoddedagai
n

Shehungup.

Iqui
cklystoodupandr
emovedt
hel
i
nens,
goi
ngt
o
herbedroom t
odothesame.
Khumbul
ani
wasi
nthepassage,
justst
andi
ng.
Her
aisedaney
ebr
ow
Hi
m:"
IthoughtIsai
dyoushoul
dweart
hat
?"

Iwant
edt
oignor
ehi
m.
Buthegr
abbedmyar
m,maki
ngmybodyf
all
onhi
s.
Mystomachchurned.Myskincrawl
edwher
ehe
t
ouchedme.Fearknifedt
hroughme.
Iwassuddenl
yscar
edofthesl
apt
hatmi
ghtl
andon
mycheekanyti
mesoon.

I
nst
ead.Her
anhi
sdi
rt
ytongueonmyf
ace.
..

Hi
m:"Iwoul
dli
ket
oeaty
ou"

Anot
herJohn.
..

Year
sago.
..
MamametJohnwhenIwasst i
l
lver
yyoung.Iwoul
d
l
ist
entomymother
'scr
ieswhenhefor
cedhimself
onher
.
Iwouldgositatt
heirbedroom doorandsilent
lycr
y
formymot her
.Youknowbutwr enchingcr
ymy
motherusedtocry,wouldpier
cet hr
oughanysoul.I
t
pier
cedthr
oughmi ne.

Thingsgotbet
terwhenmamaf
ell
pregnant
,atl
eastI
thought
..
.
Butt
hingschangedf
ort
hewor
st.
Johnst
art
edmaki
ngt
hissi
l
lymov
esonme.
Hestar
tedtel
l
ingmyownmom,hi
sownwi f
ehow
muchhewouldlovet
otast
emyi
nnocencebef
ore
any
oneelse.

Igr
ewt ohatemymothersobadl
ywhensheal l
owed
hi
mt o.Iknow,
IknowGodcanat t
estwhenIsayshe
wouldhearmycri
eswhenheforcedhimsel
fonme.
Hest
olemyi
nnocence,
her
obbedmyest
eem.
Hedest
roy
edmeandr
ightnowIf
earf
orGugu.

Mymot herfel
linlovewithamanwhowoul dprov
ide
forheraftermyf atherabandonedus.Shewasa
brokenwomanbef oreJohn.Hepickedherf
rom t
he
piecesshewasonl ytobreakhertoacondit
ionofno
repair
.Andt henbrokemebey ondrepai
r.

"
Khumbulani
"col
dai
rcl
osedar
oundme,
freezi
ngme
i
naplaceforamoment
.
Hepusheddownt
hedi
rt
yli
nensi
nmyar
m.

Ist
eppedbackal
i
ttl
e

"
Don'
t"hesai
d.

Iwasaboutt
orunoutbuthegr
abbedme,
so
pai
nful
l
ythatIl
ostbal
anceandf
ell
ont
hef
loor
.
Me:"Pl
ease,
I'l
lgoandbat
handwearany
thi
ngy
ou
wantmeto.I
..Iwil
l
-"
Hi
m:"
Iti
sal
readyt
ool
ate,
don'
tyout
hink?
!"
Me:
"Khum-
"
Hegr
abbedmebymyski
rt
sand

Hewantedt
otakel
i
ftof
fmyski
rt
s.Iwant
edt
ofi
ght
hi
m sobadl
y.
Iwon'
tl
etanot
hermanmol
estme.
Ihadamomenttoregi
sterhi
sfi
rstdr
awingback
befor
epai
nexpl
odedthroughmyskull
.
Thewor
ldf
li
cker
edar
oundme.
Myv
isi
onswam

"Youwi
ll
payforf
ight
ingme"Yes!
!That
'swas
Khumbul
ani
.Amonst er
!
Ist
ruggl
edt
ori
ghtmysel
f,t
orun.Imadet
wo
f
umbli
ngst
epsbef
orehi
sweightbarr
eledi
ntome
t
aki
ngmedownthehardt
il
edfloorwi
thhim.

If
eltsomethi
nghardpressi
ngagai
nstmyasswher
e
myskirthadr
iddenup,
leavi
ngmeexposed.

Iscr
eamedandscr
ambledagainstthet
il
edfl
oor
.My
handssl
i
ppi
ngusel
essl
yagainstthesur
face.

Pure,i
cyter
rorseizedmylungsasIhear
dhiszi
pper
l
owering.Heardthedreadspendofhi
sfi
st-
pumping
shaft

Idi
dn'
twantt
his.Butf
ight
ingwasusel
ess.

Hef
orcef
ull
ypenet
rat
edi
nsi
deandst
art
edpumpi
ng.

Sobst
urnedt
osi
l
entcr
iesandsi
l
entcr
ytur
nedt
o
f
eel
i
ngdi
sgust
edandnumb.

Thi
sismyl
i
fe,
thi
sar
emyst
ruggl
es.

I
'
llhav
etol
i
vewi
tht
hem al
lmyl
i
fe

-
Gugu

Me:
"Khensi
,i
sthaty
ou?
"
Shest
oodatmybedr
oom door
Me:
"Khensani
?"

Shecr
iedbl
ood

Me:
"Khensi
youar
escar
ingme?
"
Ist
oodf
rom mybedandwal
kedt
oher
Her
:"Hest
olemyi
nnocent
s?"
Me:
"Who?John?
"
Khensi
:"Iwon'
tpr
otecty
ouany
mor
e"
Me:
"Youar
escar
ingme?
"
Her
:"Gobackt
obed"
Me:
"Khensi
?Khensani
?"
Shewal
kedaway
.
.
..
Isatupst
rai
ght
.
Ihadbeendr
eami
ng.
Iwasscared.Ir
antoKhensani
'
sbedr
oom t
olookf
or
herandshewasn'tt
her
e.
Hercl
otheswer
est
il
lnoti
nherwar
drobe.
I
twasj
ustadr
eam.
..Iassur
edmysel
f.
Justadr
eam.

MamaandJohnwer
esl
eepi
ng.
Thehousewasqui
et.
Ther
eweredayswhenIhadsuchbaddreams,andI
wouldr
untoKhensani
'
sroom soIwoul
dn'tf
eel
scar
edanymor
e.
AndnowIwasal
one,
mymot
herwaswi
thher
Monst
er.

-
Khensani

"
Godwi
l
lcomet
hroughf
orus.
"

Mykneesf ol
ded,andIsankdownont
othecoolti
les
beneat
hmecur li
nguponmysi deassobswrenched
mybody .
Iremember edhiseyeswhenIfir
stwalkedinher
e.
Hepretendedt ohat
emebuti nhiseyes,Iknewhe
hadsomet hingevi
lhehadplanned.
Il
ongedfort
hewarmt
hofmyy oungsi
ster
's
comfor
ti
ngli
ttl
ear
msaroundme.
Ihuggedmyownar msmoreti
ght
lyar
oundmychest
.
Asthought,t
hechi
l
dli
keposi
ti
oncoul
dprot
ectme
fr
om real
it
y

Icr
ied.
Icr
iedf
ormyst
oleni
nnocence
Icr
iedf
ort
hesev
eral
rapesIhadgonet
hrough.
Icr
iedf
ort
hehat
redInowhel
dtowar
dsal
lmen.
Icr
iedsomuch.
..

Iblamedmymom f orthis,sheshoul
dhave
protectedmewhent hatwomanwasgi vi
ngmenasty
l
ooks, sheshouldhav elefthim!Ihat
ethatshehi
de
herselfwit
hbibble

Tobecont
inued
HERSTRUGGLE

Chapt
er10

#Khensani

Myheadt hr
obbed.Mymout hwasdry.I
'dbeen
awakeforawhile.Dr
if
ti
nginandoutofawar eness,
butIhadn'
tdar
edt oopenmyeyes.Icouldn'
tface
real
i
ty.

I
twaseasi
ert
osi
nki
ntot
hepai
ninmyheadt
han
mybody.
Hottear
ssli
ppedf
rom beneat
hmyclosedey
eli
dst
o
fal
ldownmycheeks.Icoul
dn'
tdr
if
tinpai
nand
exhaust
ionany
more.

Thesofti
l
luminat
ionf
rom myey
eli
dsknowt
hat
ni
ghthadpassedpassed.
Thesunwasr
isi
ng,
rousi
ngme.

Islowl
ywokeup,wenttot
heguestbedroom t
of i
nd
thenewbedsheet
sandmanagedt ochangeallof
bedsheet
sinal
lbedrooms.
Ihadt
okeepgoi
ng.
Khumbul
ani
wasnowher
einsi
ght
.

Imadesomet
hingt
oeatandbat
he.

Oncei
nsi
det
hebat
htubIwant
edsobadt
oscr
ubal
l
t
hepai
naway.
Iwant
edtoscrubawaythepai
nJohnand
Khumbul
anicaused.Iwant
edt
oscrubawayal
lthe
di
rtt
hesawonmybodyandmol est
edme.
Iwant
edt
oscrubawayt
hephy
sical
andemot
ional
pai
nonmysoul.
Myt
ear
swer
efl
owi
ng,
butt
hecr
ieswer
esi
l
ent
.
Iwasnumb.
Iwasv
ulner
abl
e.
Iwasal
one.Iwasshat
ter
ed.

_
___
___
_

Thepassagenowwasapl
aceIdi
dn'
twannabei
nor
near
.Itwoul
dremi
ndmeofthedi
rtt
hatmandi
dto
me.
Maybewi t
hJohni
twasbetter.MaybeIhadgotten
usedtothepai
nhecausedme.Butwi t
hKhulekani,
I
coul
dn'tbr
ingmysel
ftoacceptit
.

Aknockbr
oughtmebackt
oreal
i
ty.
Ifoundmysel
fgoi
ngforthekni
feandhi
dingi
t
behindmebef
oreopeni
ngthedoor.
Aman.
Anot
herman
Het
ookof
fhi
shat
AndIt
ookast
epback.
.
Hi
m:Sawubona"
Ikeptqui
et
Il
ookedathi
m
Hi
m:"
Issi
sAmandaI
n?"
Si
l
ence
Hi
m:"I
'mtheMandla,
thegardener,
Ineedthekey
s
t
othespar
eroom out
sidet
ogett heequi
pment"
Il
ookedathi
m st
il
l.
Hi
m: "
It
sont
hecount
er,
kit
chencount
er,
it'
sal
way
s
t
here"

It
urnedandt
ookt
hekeyandgav
eitt
ohi
m.
Hewal
kedawaybef
oret
hanki
ngme.

Ifoundmyselfwal
ki
ngt
othef
ull
ylengt
hmi
rr
ori
n
thelounge.
If
inal
l
yt ookamomentt
oreal
l
ylookatmyr
efl
ect
ion
onmet hemirr
or.
Mybl ackhai rwaswi l
daroundmyf ace.Abr ui
se
darkenedmyj aw.I twaspur pl
eandugly,mar r
ying
myf acewi thv i
olence.Theshockoft hevacuous
mar kmademychestt i
ghten.Whil
eIknewi twould
fadethesi ghtmademyt earspooli
nmyey es.The
war m dropletscaughti nmyt hi
ckl
ashesasI
struggledtobl i
nkt hem back.

It
ookadeepbreath,
buti
thit
chedinmythr
oat.
WhenIexhal
ed,t
heairl
eftmychestonahar
shsob.

Itookthekni
fei
nmyhandandst art
edpushingit
throughmythi
ghs.Iwasbl
eedi
ng.IfIhavescarson
them, t
henal
lmenwouldfi
ndthem uglyandthey
woul dnev
erl
ookatmeagainorrapeme.

-
Gugu
Mama:
"Gugu!
!!
"
Me:
"Mama.
."
Her
:"I
tsget
ti
ngl
atehur
rywehav
etol
eav
e."
John:
"Don'
twor
ry.I
'
llt
akehert
oschool
"
No!

Iqui
ckl
ytookmybagpackandwal
kedoutwi
thher
.
Khensaniusedt
oaccompanymet
oschool
ever
y
morning.
AndtodayIwaswal ki
ngwit
hmamabecauseKhensi
wasn'
taround.Ihopedshewasokay
.
Ist
il
lhadt
heR100shehadgi
venme.
OnweekendIwi
l
lbet
aki
ngt
het
axi
tov
isi
ther
.
Mama:
"Don'
tgr
owupandendupl
i
key
oursi
ster
"
Idon'
tknowwher
ethatcamef
rom butIr
oll
edmy
eyes
Her:
"Ihav
ewashedmyhandsonKhensi
whenshe
deci
dedtoqui
tschool
!Andnowshei
swher
eonher
andherDemonsknowswher
e!Ihopeshedoesn'
t
comebacktomyhouse!
"

_
__

"
Guguf
oll
owme"Myt
eacheri
nfor
medme.
Ist
oodupandf
oll
owedhert
oherof
fi
ce
Her
:"Si
t"
Isatdown
Her
:"I
sev
ery
thi
ngokayathome?
"
Me:
"Yes"
Her:"
Buty ourgradesaredroppingGugu.Youarea
ver
ybr i
ghtchil
d.Ineedy outoletmeknowi ft
here'
s
anyt
hingthat'
sdi st
urbi
ngy ourschool
work"
Me:
"It
snot
hing"
Her
:"Di
dsomet
hinghappenl
astni
ght
?"
Me:
"No"
Sheheav
edasi
gh
Her
:"Tal
ktome,
what
'swr
ong?
"
Me:
"Not
hing"
Her:
"Ineedyout
ogivemeyourmot
her
'snumber
s.I
cancal
lherandt
alkt
oher"
Me:
"Okay
"
Her
:"Youmaygo"

-
Khensani

Aft
erforci
ngmysel ft
ocleanthehouseandpack
awaythef oodIhadcookedl
astnighti
nthe
cont
ainers.Khumbulanimadehiswayinthehouse.
If
rozeatt
hespot
.
Heleanedagai
nstt
hedoorf
rameandf
oldedhi
s
ar
ms

Hel
ookedatmei
nsi
l
ence.
Iwasuncomf
ort
abl
e.Idon'
tthi
nkI
'
dev
erf
eel
free
ar
oundhi
m.
"Ishoul
dmakey ou,
myev
ery
daymeal
.Youhav
e
suchnicecooki
e"

Aknif
e..Icoul
dseeaknif
enearme,
onemov
e.I
swearIwouldstabhi
m sobad.

Hest
artedmaki
nghi
swayt
owher
eIst
ood.It
ooka
st
epback
Hi
m: "
Ihopey ouwon'tbetel
l
ingt
hepol
i
ceabout
whathappenedlastni
ght?
"
Ikeptqui
et
Hi
m: "Iknowforsureyouwoul
dn'twantt
obur
yyour
motherandsi
steratsuchanear
lyage?"
Il
ookedathi
m,pl
eadi
ngl
y
Him:"Youthi
nkIwentouttohav
esomef
un?No
sweety
!IwasinTembisa.
"
Hesmi
l
ed
Him:"Youwontbel i
evewhatIsaw.Yourbeauti
ful
youngsist
eri
nabl ueschoolUniform.Yourmother
pushi
nghertroll
ytotowntosel l
somebeadsand
yourf
atherwhot ooksomerandom bitchtohi
s
housesoonafteryourmotherleft
"
Lor
d.

Ihadsomuchanger
,Iwant
edbur
st.
Hewal
kedcl
osert
ome
Hi
m:"
AndIknowy
oudon'
twantt
hem t
odi
e"

"
What
'sgoi
ngonher
e?"Av
oice.
Amanda'
svoi
ce

Khumbul
ani:"
Iwasj
ustshowi
ngy
ourst
upi
dmai
d
howtocutsomeappl
e"
Hesai
dreachi
ngf
ort
heappl
eont
hecount
erand
t
hekni
fe.
"
Right
?"Hel
ookedatme.
Ikeptqui
et.

Amanda:"OhmyGod, I
'venev
erbeensot i
red.Thi
s
heel
sarekill
i
ngme.Khensani
,takemybagst omy
bedroom.Ihadt
ocomebackear lybecauseI'm
neededattheof
fi
ce"

Iqui
ckl
ytookt
hebagst
oherbedr
oom.
AndwhenIent
ered.
WhatIsawshockedt
hehel
loutofme.
Asnakeonherbed.
It
hrewt
hel
uggage,
scr
eami
ngandr
ushi
ngback.
ButImett
hem al
readyr
unni
ngt
ome
Me:
"A.
..
Asnake!
!"

Weall
ranbackt
other
oom Khumbal
ani
rani
nsi
de
whi
l
ewewai t
edatt
hedoor
.
Hehadabr
oom i
nhand
Hi
m:"
Wher
eisi
t?"

Ther
ewasnot
hing.

Me:
"Itwast
her
e."
Hel
ookedunder
neat
hthebed
Hi
m:"
Shespl
ayi
ngmi
ndgameswi
thus"
Me:
"Iswear
.IswearIsawi
t"
Amanda:"Wher
edi
dyouseeI
t?Wher
edi
dit
di
sappeart
o?"

Khumbulani
:
"It
oldyouAmandathatyoubrought
somet
hinginourhouse.Nowl
ook!!Argaman!"
Hest
eppedout
.
Amandashookherheadindi
sappoi
ntmentbef
ore
shewal
kedawayfoll
owinghi
m.
I
'
m notl
osi
ngmymi
nd,
Iswear
.Isawi
t

TOBECONTI
NUED

LI
KE,
COMMENTANDSHARE
HERSTRUGGLE

Chapt
er11

#Khensani

'
Itcouldhavebeenabet terroadifwhenwecr i
ed,
thewor l
dwoul dopentheirhear
tsandandwel come
uswi t
hwar m hands.Wher ewil
lweend?Thewor ld
hassurelytur
nedagainstus!Thedaught eri
sout
aloneinthedarkandshout ingf
orhelp.Wherewil
l
weend?
Whocanl
iepeacef
ull
yabed,
whi
l
ethedar
kness
hol
dssomuchsecret
s?
Ther
ear
evoi
cescr
ying.Whatmustbedone?
'
-
B.Phal
adi

"
Howar
eyou?
"
Me:
"Whoar
eyou?
"
Her
:"
Comewi
thme"
Me:
"Whoar
eyou?
"
Her:
"Khensi
comewi
thme"
Me:
"No"
Ishookmyheadno.

Iwassitt
ingnearawideri
ver.Thewomanwasonl
y
i
nawhi teclot
haroundherbodyandonewhi
tecl
oth
thatcov
eredherhead.
Sheappearedver
yol
dandbeauti
ful
.Shehadt
his
beaut
if
ulyetscar
yey
esI'
deverseen.

Shestoodabitfarfrom wher
eIsatbutIcoul
dsee
herey
esv er
yclear.Thedarkbrowneyes.
.

Her
:"Khensi
youdon'
tbel
ongt
her
e"
Me:
"Ibel
ongher
e"
Her
:"Comel
etmeshowy
ousomet
hing"
Ishookmyheadno.
.
Me:
"Leav
emeal
one"
Her
:"
Don'tcallf
ormyhelpbecauseIwontbear
ound
t
oprotectyou.Youdon'
tbel
ongt her
e"
IsawthesnakethatIsawearl
i
eri
nAmanda'
s
bedr
oom comingfrom behi
ndher
Me:
"Asnake"
Her
:"Khensi
..
"
Me:
"It
sbehi
ndy
ou.
.Asnake"
Thesnakewaschar
gingatme
Me:
"Asnake!
!!
"
It
ri
edtoshoutbutshedi
dn'
tseem t
onot
icewhatI
wassayi
ngtoher.
Iwant
edt
orun
Myl
egswer
esuddenl
yheav
y
Me:
"I
tscomi
ngt
ome,
hel
pmer
un.
."
Shet
urnedandwal
kedaway
Me:
"Hey
!!Hel
pme!
!"
.
..
Isatupst
rai
ghtandj
umpedof
fthebed,
deci
dingt
o
run.
.
But
..
.
Icamebackt
omysenseswhenIr
eal
i
sedIwasi
n
mybedroom.
Ihadbeendr
eami
ng.
"
Itwasj
ustadr
eam Khensi
..
.It
ri
edt
ell
i
ngmysel
f.

Icheckedt
het
imeonmycel
l
phone.
I
twasaf
ewmi
nut
esbef
ore6o'
cl
ocki
nthemor
ning.
Theweat
hert
oowasn'
tokay
.
Iwal
kedt
othewi
ndowt
oopent
hecur
tai
ns.

Thecl
oudl
essski
eswer
efoami
nggr
eyi
fnotbl
ack
cl
ouds.
Ist
oodt
her
eandwat
chedt
heski
esout
side.
..
Iwasscar
ed.
.
Scar
edoft
hesnake.

.
..
..
I
'
m notcr
azy
.
IknowwhatIsaw.

Amandahadbeentr
eati
ngmel ikeamadper
son
si
ncethesnakei
nci
denthappened.

Aweekwentbyv
erysl
ow.
ButIwashappywhenAmandatoldmeshewoul
dbe
Dri
vi
ngmet oTembisat
ospendtheweekendwi
th
theGugu.
.

Khumulani
ontheothersi
de.Hadbeengonef
or
daysandIwashappyaboutit
..
Thepasttwodays,
Amandahadbeenmaki
ngme
watchonl
inevi
deosonhowtomakeEngl
i
sh
breakf
ast
.

Iwasjustexci
tedaboutgoi
nghomet
ogugusi
nce
i
tsFri
day.
Theeggswer
enotdoi
nganyj
ust
icet
ome.
Wit
houtbei
ngabl
etohol
dmysel
fanyl
ongerIj
ust
r
antothesi
nkandthr
ewup

Amanda:"OhMyGosh!
!!
!Di
dyoujustt
hrowupi
nmy
ki
tchensi
nk?Wher
eIwashmydishes?"

Icont
inuedt
hrowi
ngup.

Her
:"Ipr
omiseyou,
youar
eget
ti
nghal
fofy
oursal
ary
f
orthismonth!
!"
Shewasangr
y.
Idi
dn'
tmeant
o..
.

#Gugu

"
Guguwakeup!
!"Mamashookme
Me:
"Idon'
twantt
ogot
oschool
today
!"
Mama:
"Ha.aGugu,
youar
egoi
ngt
oschool
.What
's
wr
ongwit
hy ou?
"
Me:
"Teachert
oldmet
ogi
vehery
ournumber
"
Her
:"Whatdi
dyoudo?
"
Ishr
ugged
Her:
"YouknowIdon'thaveacel
l
phoneanymore.
Howwi l
lyourt
eacherfi
ndme?AndIcantcometo
schoolwi
thyou.Ihavetogotot
owntosellt
he
beads"
Ii
gnor
edher
Her
:"Nowwakeup"
Me:
"MamaIhadadr
eam"
Her
:"Ther
ewegoagai
n!!
"
Me:
"Khensi
wasdr
owni
ngi
napool
ofbl
ood"
Her:
"Wakeupandst
opt
ell
i
ngmeofy
ourst
upi
d
dr
eams!"
Igotupf
rom t
hebed
Her:
"I'
m gi
vi
ngy
ouexact
ly10mi
nut
esorI
'
mleav
ing
you"

Ididn'
twannagotoschool
.Butthethoughtof
spendingt
hedaywit
hJohni nt
hehousemademe
cri
ngeandquickl
yst
andupandpr eparemyselff
or
school

-
Khensane

Amandadr
oppedmeathomebef
oredr
ivi
ngt
owor
k.
Shegav
emeR50t
oret
urnt
oMi
drandonSunday
.
Imi
ssedGugubutIhat
edbei
ngathome.
..
Johnsmi
l
edwhenhesawmeent
ert
hrought
hegat
e.
Hegav
ehi
smostsi
gnat
ureev
ilsmi
l
e!
Myst
omachchur
ned.
Ihat
edt
hismanwi
thal
lmyhear
t.
Hi
m"Soy
ouar
eback?
"
Me:
"NotnowJohn.
."
Hi
m:"
Don'
tst
art
"
It
hrewmybagonmybed
Hi
m:"
It
sjustt
het
woofus"
Me:
"I'
mti
red"

Iwal
kedout
.Hef
oll
owedmet
otheki
tchen.
Iresent
edmensomuchnowt
hatmywi
shedt
osee
them al
ldi
e.
Sl
owl
yandpai
nful
l
y
Ir
esent
edt
hem becauseIknewt
heywer
eal
lthe
same.
I
fJohncoul
ddot
hatt
ohi
sownSt
epdaught
erand
l
i
vewithi
t.
ThenKhumbul
anidothesametohisownsist
er'
s
employ
eeandli
veasifnot
hinghappendandt
hen
whataremencapabl
eofdoingoutther
e?

Ihatedmyselft
oo.Ihat
edwhatmadethi
smen
thi
nkofmolesti
ngmewhentheylai
dthei
rey
eson
me.
Ihat
ed.
..

No.
.
Her
anhi
shandsonmyasswhi
l
ehest
oodbehi
nd
mei
ntheki
tchen

Me:
"JohnIneedt
othr
owup.
."Iwasdi
sgust
ed.
Heusedhishandtomymouthwhi
leheusedhi
s
ot
herhandtopainf
ull
ygr
abmyneck
Icoul
dn'
tbr
eat
h
Hi
m:"
Wher
ethef
uckhav
eyoubeen?
"
Ist
ruggl
edt
obr
eat
h..
IswearI
..

Hi
m:"
Youwentoutt
her
etowhor
e?"
Me:
"Jo.JohnIcan'
tbr
eat
h..
"

Heremovedhi
shandonmymout
hwhi
l
etheot
her
st
il
lremai
nedonmyneck.

Hei
nser
thi
sfi
ngeri
nmywomanhood
Hi
m:"Youwentoutt
ogi
vey
ourmenmyv
agi
na?
"
Thi
smanwasnut
s!!

Me:
"No.
.IswearJohn.
.Idi
dn'
t.
."
Het
hrewmeagai
nstt
het
abl
e.
Ihi
tmyheadont
het
abl
e.

Thephy
sical
pai
nthatcamewi
thi
twasunbear
abl
e.
Him:"
Ifuckenf
edy ouandyourMotherandsi
ster
andyouungrat
efulbi
tchwentoutt
ochestonme!!!
!!
Youaresoungratef
ul!
!!
"

Me:
"JohnIswear
.Iwasataf
ri
end'
spl
ace.
"

Heunf
ast
enedhi
sbel
t.
.
Qui
ckly,
Icr
awl
ed,
try
ingt
orunawayf
rom hi
m
out
side.
Hegr
abbedmyl
eg.
It
ri
edki
cki
nghi
m butheov
erpower
edme.
Kneel
i
ngandt
ryi
ngt
oremov
emyt
rouser
s.

Noenoughi
senough.
Icoul
dn'
tl
etanot
hermandot
hist
omeagai
n.Ev
er.
I
fitmeantdy
ingandliv
ingGugu,thensobeit.Iwas
ti
redoft
hepaint
hatcamewi thbeingmolest
ed.The
physi
cal
andemotionalpai
n.Iwast i
redofi
t.

Hetri
edgrabbingmeandIcameacr ossabottleof
bl
acklabelr
ightunderthetabl
ewhenIt r
iedcrawli
ng
outandimmedi at
elyt
urnedtohim andhithi
m withit
.

Andhegr
oaned.
That
'swhenIgott
hechancet
oescapeandnev
er
l
ookback

Tobecont
inued

LI
KE,
SHAREANDCOMMENT.
I
t'
sabi
tshor
tandnotedi
ted.
Goodni
ght
.
HERSTRUGGLE
Chapt
er12

#Khensani

Youknow,Ihaveal
wayswonderedwhyme,
whyt
his
pai
nful
eventsal
wayshappenedtome.
ButitmadesenseasIr
ant
othet
axi
stat
ion,
wit
hno
bags.
ThatIcoul
dn'
tbeav
ict
im ofr
apeany
mor
e.Ir
efused.

Thet axiwasshortwit
honeperson,Ii
mmedi atel
y
wenti n.I
nmyheadIwast hi
nki
ngoft hereasont o
tel
lAmandawhyIcamebackear lyIkeptonpr ay
ing
thatshedoesn'tsentmebackhome.Younev er
knowwi t
hthoseri
chpeopl
e.

Icoul
dn'
tcrytoo.Ir
efusedt
ocr
yofsomet
hingIf
elt
proudofdoi
ng.
Iwentst
rai
ghtt
otheki
tchenwhenIar
ri
ved.Ihav
e
accesst
othehousesi
nceIam t
hei
rmaid.

Thehousetoobroughtmemor i
esofKhumbul
ani.I
t
tookmebacktowhenIl ayther
ewhenhewasdone
molesti
ngme.AndIkeptblamingGodforcr
eat
ing
men...
Ipushedthoset
houghtsoirofmymindasIf
orced
myselftocooksomethingforAmanda

Aftercooki
ngrice,
Imadebeetr
ootsaladandpot ato
saladwithboil
edeggsandputitthehopesheenj oy
s
i
tbecauseI '
veworkedhardt
oomaket his.Iwas
thankfult
otheYouTubecookvideosIwat ched,
by
nextweekIwoul dbetr
yingt
hoseEnglishfood.

WhenAmandacamebackshewassur
pri
sedt
osee
mewatchi
ngt
v.
Amanda:
"Haibokhensani
didn'
tIdr
opy
ouaty
our
mom'shouse?"
Me:
"Ohhy
heamybadIdi
dn'
tfi
ndmom athome"
Ihopedshewoul
dn'
tseet
hroughmyey
est
hatI
wasn'tokay
.
Ihat
epi
ty,
Iwoul
dnev
erwanthert
opi
tyme

Amanda:
"Youshoul
dhav
ewai
tedf
orhert
ocome
back"
Me:"
Ohhmyneighbourt
oldmethatshewenthome,
mygrandmot
herissi
cksoshehavetotakecar
eof
her
"
thatwasthebestl
ieIcoul
dcomeupwit
heven
thoughIknewitwasn'
tgoodl
iewi
tht
hedead'
s
names.

Amanda:
"Okay
,hav
eyoucooked?
"
Me:
"Yes"Ismi
l
ed"
shoul
dIdi
shupf
ory
ou?
"
Amanda:
"Yespl
ease,
butf
ir
stgoandputt
hisi
nmy
room.GodIam soexhaust
ed"It
ookherl
aptopbag
andhil
l
s.Sheaskedmet ocomebackwi
thher
morni
ngsleeper
swhichIdid
Amanda:"
Thanky
ou!
"Ismi
l
edandwentt
odi
shup
forher
Me:
"Her
e'sy
ourf
ood"Ipl
acedi
tont
hecof
feet
abl
e
Amanda:
"wher
e'swi
ne?Andchi
cken?
"
Me:"
OhhI'
ll
goandgetthegl
assf
ory
ouasf
ort
he
chi
ckenIdi
dn'
tcookeat
"
Amanda:
"What
?Why
?"
Me:
"Icangoanddef
rosti
t"
Amanda:
"Noi
t'
scool
,j
ustgoandgetmywi
ne"

Ismi
led,
Ihadt
oobeyev er
ythi
ngsheaskedmeto
doshe'
smyboss.Iwenttogetaglassandabot
tl
e
ofwi
ne

Me:
Shoul
dIgo?
"
Amanda:
"Youdon'
twantt
ochi
l
lwi
thme?
"
Me:
"Noi
t'
snotl
i
ket
hatIhav
etogoandr
ead
r
eci
pes"
Amanda:
"Ohhthat,
tommor owit
'sSaturdaywhich
meansIam notgoi
ngt oworkandplusmyf ri
ends
ar
ecomingsowewi l
lbegoingt
omal l"
Me:
"Okay
"

Ismil
edandwenttomyroom,Iwaswelcomedby
thebooksofr
eci
pesont
opoft hebed!WowI
cli
mbedthebedandr
eaditonebyone.

#Gugu

Wewerewel
comedbyt
hebl
eedi
ngJohnont
he
f
loor
.
Hewasgr oani
ngsoloudandbad.Idi
dnotfeelany
pai
nforhim.Itwashappeni
ngtohim.Thesame
thi
ngthathedcausedtomysist
er,
pain.Hefel
tit
..
.
Mamaqui
ckl
yrant
okneel
bef
orehi
m

Mom:"OhhMygodwhathappenedhere"shewas
pani
cki
ng,sheshookhi
m "uyi
meleyi
niwena(what
arey
ouwai t
ingf
or)goandcal
lVel
ba(Herfr
iend'
s
name)"
Ist
oodt
her
einsi
l
ence
Her
:"
Gugu!
!GoandCal
lVel
ba!
!"
Me:
"Whydon'
tyoul
ethi
m di
e"
Mom:"Iwi
l
lsmacky
ougugu"shewasget
ti
ngal
l
emot
ional"
Gomychil
dpl
ease"
Me:
"Iam goi
ngt
oputt
hesei
nthebedr
oom "
Itookthebeadsbagsandplacedt
hem undert
he
bed.Inoti
cedkhensani
'
sbag,joyf
il
ledmyfaceso
mysisteri
sback!Ijumpedoutofj
oyandwentto
mom running
Me:"
Khensanii
sback"Isai
dwi
thhappi
nesswr
it
ten
al
lovermyface
Mom:
"DoIl
ookl
i
keIf
reaki
ngcar
e"
Me:"I
yhoo"shewasr
eal
l
yfeel
i
ngsor
ryf
orher
husband
Mom:"Youwantmet obelonelyGugu?Youdon'
t
wantyourdadt ol
ive?Pl
easegoandcal lVel
bashe
wil
lbeabletocallt
heambul ance"shewas
bal
ancingthatdogwithherthighs
Me:
"Fi
ne"Iwentt
ocal
launt
yVel
ba.

.
.
Thepar
amedicsfinall
ycameandt
ookhi
m wit
hher,
shewasbadherf acewaspal
ewit
hpai
n.shewas
feel
i
ngforherhusband.
Ispentt
herestofthedayatauntyVel ba'
shouse
si
nceshewentt othehospit
alwithhim.Mom
doesn'
tcareaboutus,sheonlycareaboutthat
monstershecall
sahusbandI '
venoticeditt
oday.

I
twassar
tudayi nt
hemor ni
ngwhenIwokeupand
wentt
omymot her
'shousetobathsot
hatIcoul
dgo
t
oschool
,forSatur
dayclasses.
IeventhoughIbathewit
hcoldwaterIdidn'
twantt
o
boilwateral
one,
whatifIbur
nthehouseImeanI
wasalonemom wasatt hehospi
tal.It
hinkshe
didn'
tcomeback...

Atl
uncht
ime,
myt
eacheraskedmet
ocomeseeher
.
Idi
d.

Her
:"
Sitdownmychi
l
d"
Me:"
Thankyou"It
ookasit.Myheartwasbeating
f
astadrum,alotofquest
ionsr
ant hr
oughmymi nd
whatdoesshewantfrom me?I
twast hesecond
t
imeshesummonedmei nheroff
ice,whatdi
dIdo?
Her
:"
Rel
ax,Ij
ustwantt
oaskyouf
ewquest
ions.
Howareyoudoingt
hough?
"
Me:
"Iam goodMa'
am andy
ou"
Her
:"
perf
ectchi
l
d.Iam aski
ngyouf
ort
hesecond
t
ime,i
severy
thi
ngokayathome"
Me:
Inodded
Her
:"
Okayl
et'
sst
arther
e,whodr
essedy
out
oschool
t
oday?"
Me:
Mysel
f"
Her
:"
Wher
ewasmama?
"
Me:"Mom wasnothomet
odaywhenIbat
h,shei
sat
hospit
al"
Her
:"
Isi
twhyy
ourMar
ksar
edr
oppi
ng?
"
Me:
"I
'l
lpul
lmysocksma'
am"
Her:
"i
t'
snotabouty oupul
li
ngy
oursocksGugu,
you'
reagreatchil
djustt
ell
mewhat'
sbother
ingyou
sothatIcanhelpyou"
Me:"Ev
eryt
hingi
salr
ightma'
am"shesi
ghedand
nodded"canIgo"
Her
:"
cool
"Ismi
l
edandwentout
.
..

WhenGugul
eftt
heof
fi
ceMr
sRamabul
anaqui
ckl
y
tookherphoneandcopyt
henumbershewasgi
ven
byherfri
end

Her:
"Hel
l
o,MrsRamabul
anaspeaki
ngcany
ou
pl
easedir
ectmycal
ltoy
ourboss"
PA:
"Okay
,hol
don"shewai
tedf
or1mi
nut
e
Her
:"
Am Ispeaki
ngt
oMakhadzi
?"
Makhadzi
:
"yes"
Her:"okayIwantt oreportaproblem here"sheknew
whatshewasdoi ngwast oseparateGuguwi thher
mot herbutshecoul dn'tst
omacht hefeeli
ngoflove
shehav ef orgugu,shecanseepai ningugu'seyes"
sheexpl ai
nedev eryt
hingaboutGuguhowshe
rockedupatschool withadi r
tyshi
rtthesocial
workerpr omisedt oi
nv est
igatei
t

#Khensani

Iwassi
tt
ingont
opoft
hebi
grock,
wat
chi
ngwat
er
fl
owingthroughthedam.Theweat herwasalso
windy,
birdssingingalongtherhy
thm!Ifeltatapon
myshould, It
urnedandf acethepersononlyt
obe
metbymygr andmot herthewomenwhogav ebir
th
tomom.Somet imesIwonderwhymom doesn' t
haveagoodhear tl
ikehas

Grandm:"Khensani
whyUriNankanu?(
Whyarey
ou
st
ubborn)
"She'satr
uedef
ini
ti
onofanangel
Me:"
Mivul
avul
ahi yi
nikakokwani
?(Whatar
eyou
t
alki
ngaboutgranny?)
Grandm:"nwansat
iloy
iinganwul
orha(
Thewomen
youdreamedabout
)"
Me:
"Youwant
edmet
ogowi
thast
ranger
?"
Grandm:
"Uriy
ini
?!Ungani
v avul
alel
ixil
ungumi
na"
(
Whatareyousayi
ng?Don'ttal
kEnglishwit
hme)"
Me:
"Ami
lavani
fambanamunhuni
kheni
nganwi
tiv
i?
(
Youwantedmetogowit
hastr
anger
?)
Gr
anm:"nwansat
iluy
aur
humiwehi v
akokwaniwas
Wena(t
hatwomanwassentbyyourgreatgr
eat
gr
andmot
her
s)"
Me:
"Al
avay
ini
kami
na?(Whatdi
dshewantf
rom
me?
)"
Grandm:"
Kuhav al eximi
naningat
aKuby el
axona,
anahar
inankarhi byebyentukul
uwami na(Idon'
t
haveanyt
hingt
ot elly
ou,Idon'
thaveenoughti
me.
Byemygrandchild)

Me:"Kokwaniyi
mani (grannywait)"Ishout
edbutI
seemsl i
keIfel
ttoadeafear s,Ikeptonshouti
ng
unti
lshedisappearedintoawhol e.Itr
iedt
ofol
low
heronlytofal
linsi
dether i
verscreamingmylungs
out!

Amanda:
"Khensani
!"Iqui
ckl
ywokeupandst
oodup
st
rai
ght
.Ishouldn'
thavesl
ept,
Ihat
edt
hisdr
eams.

Somet
hingwasnotr
ightwi
thhert
ook.
Ther
ewast
hebadaur
asur
roundi
ngher
.
Herey
est ur
nedint
osomet
hingIdi
dn'
trecogni
ze.
Somethi
ngscary
.
"
what
'swr
ong?
"Sheasked.
FocusKhensi
..
.

Me:"Don'
tworryaboutmeitwasj
ustadr
eam"I
assuredhert
hatIam okay
"
Amanda:"
Okaysortoutyourshi
t,someofuswe'
re
tr
yingt
osleep"wi
ththatsai
dshewentoutthe
house.

Wowsomuchat t
it
udeinoneperson,whenshewent
outIcheckedt
hetimeitwasei
ghtAm.Imadet he
bed.Andwenttowashmyf aceaft
erthatIwentt
o
theki
tchenandwashdishesal
socleanthehouseI
wanttogot ot
hemallwit
houtworklef
tforme.

Tobecont
inued
HERSTRUGGLE

Chapt
er13

#Khensani

Iwasnotf
eel
i
ngwel
latal
l
.Icoul
dn'
tev
enhi
dei
t.
..
Ikeptont
hrowi
ngup.
JustwhenIwasdonet
hrowi
ngup.Icoul
dfeel
eyes
onme.
Iqui
ckl
yfl
ushedtur
ningt
ofindKhumbul
ani
leani
ng
agai
nstt
hebathr
oom door
"
Arey
oupr
egnant
?"
Heaskedme
Hi
squest
ionshockedme
Me:
"No"
Hi
m:'
'Whenawomankeepsonv
omi
ti
ng,
thenshe'
s
pr
egnant
"
Ikeptqui
et,
Idi
dntneedt
ogett
ogetonhi
sbadsi
de.
Ikeptqui
et
Hi
m:"
Ihopey
ouar
enotwhor
ingar
ound"
Si
l
enceagai
n
Hi
m:"
Ndi
thet
hanawe!
!"
Hesai
dangr
il
y
Me:
"Pl
easeKhumbul
ani
,Idon'
tneedt
hisi
nmyl
i
fe"
Hi
m:"
What
'st
his?Am It
his?
"
Hewasangr
y
"
Khensani
!!
!"
Amandashout
edf
rom t
heot
herr
oom.
Iwal
kedoutt
othel
ounge.
Iwasshockedtofindmymot herwi
thGugu.I
thas
beendayssinceIhurtJohn.

Gugurant
omyar
msassoonasIwal
kedi
nthe
l
ounge.
Mom:
"Khensani
whywoul
dyouhur
tyourf
ather
?
Il
ookedather
Me:
"Myf
ather
?"
Her:
"Isawy
ourbag,
Iknowi
twasy
out
hathur
t
hi
m!!!"
Me:
"Hewant
edt
orapemeagai
n!!
"
Her
:"
Thatdi
dn'
tgi
vey
out
her
easont
ohur
thi
m!!
"
Amanda:
"I
'l
lgi
vey
ouguy
ssomepr
ivacy
"
Shewal
kedout
Me:
"Thatmanhasbeenr api
ngmehal
fofmyl
i
fe
mama!!Icoul
dn'
ttakei
tanymor
e!"
Her
:"
Icur
set
hedayIbi
rt
hyou!
!!
"
No.
Icoul
dn'
tbel
i
evet
hiswomanatal
l
!Shehat
esmef
or
aman?
Forherhusband?
Themansheknowst
hathest
olemypr
ideandj
oy?
ThemanIal
way
scr
iedandbeggedhi
mtost
op
Me:
"Youdontmeant
hat
..
"Isai
dsi
l
ent
ly
Her:
"Imeanit!
!You'vebroughtnothi
ngbutpainin
mylifeKhensani!
!I'
m nothappybecauseofyou!
Nowmyhusbanddoesn' tlovemebecauseofy ou!
!
Yougotnakedf orhim.Ihateyousomuch!Iwi sh
youwoulddieandj ustl
eavemyl i
fefor
ever
!"
Gugu:
"Mama.
."
Mama:
"ShutupGugu!Youar
eacur
seKhensani
!"
Her
:"
Let
'sgoGugu!
"
Shegrabbedherbyherar
m andwal
kedtothedoor
butt
urnedbacktomebeforeshewal
kedout
Her:
"Idon'
tneedy ouinmyhouseany mor
e,don'
t
eversetyourfootthereorIsweart
oGod,I
'l
lmake
yourli
feali
vinghell!
!"

Shewal
kedout
.

Iwast
ooshockedtoevensayanyt
hing.Sot
hisi
s
mymother
.Shechoseherhusbandoverme.
Herwordsbrokemyhear t
.Ihaveal
waysknownt hat
shehat
esmebutnev eri
nmyl i
fehaveIt
houghtshe
wouldj
ustl
ikethatsaythosewordswit
hsomuch
hat
e.

Icoul
dn'
thol
dmysel
fanyl
onger
,Icr
ied.Icr
iedso
hardt
hati
thurt

Amandawal
kedbacki
ntheki
tchenasIsobbedso
har
d.
Sheembr
acedme.

Icr
iedsohar
dinherar
ms.

Whyshoul
dmyl i
febesomuchcompl
i
cat
ed?I
askedmysel
f.
Whyshoul
dIbet
heonet
ofaceal
lthepr
obl
emsi
n
l
if
e!!
Sheal
l
owedmet
ocomedownabi
tsoIcoul
dtal
k..
Her
:"
Isshey
ourmot
her
?"
Sheasked
Inodded
Her
:"
Whywasshesor
ude?
"
Ishr
ugged

Iwasn'
taboutt
otel
last
rangermyl
i
fepr
obl
ems.
Her:
"Ihopey oufi
xyourpr
oblemsKhensani
!
Whateverthatyouguyshadbeenfi
ghti
ngabout
doesn'
thav etobesomethi
ngbigt
hatyoudon'tf
ixi
t
wit
hher "
Me:
"Youwon'
tunder
stand"
Her
:"
Thenmakemeunder
stand"

Ist
oodup,
Ineedt
owasht
hedi
shes.
Iwal
kedout
..
#Gugu

Ihat
edmymot
herf
orwhatshesai
dtoKhensi
.
Ihatedherf
orbl
ami
ngKhensi
forherhusband'
s
acti
ons.
Me:"
Ishoul
dn'
thav
etakeny
out
oheri
fIhadknown
youweregoi
ngto-
"
Her
:"
Shutup!
!"
Wewer
ewal
ki
nghome
Me:
"Mamay
ouar
enotbei
ngf
air
!"
Her:
"ShutupGugu!!Shutyourbigmouthup!
!Your
f
atherisinhospi
talnowandwant snothi
ngtodo
wit
hmeal l
becauseofthatstupi
dsist
erofy
ours!
!"
Ikeptqui
et.Shewast
ooangr
y..
Her:"
Shecoul dhavejustopenedherl
egsandletgo!!
It
snot hingbi
g.Butwithwhatsheneed,wemight
endwi thnoroofoverourheads!!Ar
ghaIhat
et hat
stupi
dchi l
d!!
"
Thenwe'dr
atherhav
enor oofov
erourheadst
han
haveJohndoashepleasestomysist
er.

.
.
Whenwearri
vedhome,t
her
ewasabl
ackSedan
par
kedout
sidet
hegate.
.
Andtwowomenandamanwer
esi
tt
ingi
nthe
ver
andawai
ti
ng.
.
Mama:
"Goodday
?"
Theygr
eet
edherback
Sonto:"I
'
m Nomasonto,t
heseherei
sCar
oland
Sipho.Wearefr
om theTembisachi
l
dwelf
arecent
re
andwoul dv
erymuchliketot
alkt
oyoumama"
Mama: "
IfKhensaniist
heonethatsentyouher
ethen
tel
lherI
'm notint
erest
edi
nknowi ngwhatshe'
sup
to.Youmayt akeherIt
sfi
ne.Wedon'tneedherin
ourli
feanymor e!
!"
Sont
o:"
Mama.
."
Mom:
"No,
inf
act
,getout
..
"
#Khensani

Iwaswashi ngdisheswhenAmandawal kedin

hummi ng.Thesmel lofaKFCpaperbagt hatshe
washol dingimmedi atel
yhi
tmynostril
s.I'
vebeen
crav
ingf oritbutmoneywasn'tal
lowingmet omake
anorder.

Amanda:"
Haibowhyar ey ouglancingatthepaper
bagl
ikethat
"Ididn'
tevennot i
cet hatIwasstar
ing.I
cl
ear
edmyt hroatreadytoanswerher ,butnowor ds
cameoutofmymout h,Icoul
dn'tkeepofmyey es
fr
om themeal.
Amanda:
"Hel
l
o?"Shewav
edherhandi
nfr
ontofmy
ey
es
Me:
ICl
ear
edmyt hr
oat"
CanIpl
easehav
eonepi
ece"
whydi
dIj
ustsay
Amanda:
"Umm sur
e"shet
ookapl
ateandpl
aceda
dr
umsti
ckwit
hchips
Me: "
Youdon' thavet
oaddchi
psIonlywanta
chicken"thatwaswayoutofl
ine.Iwasact
ual
ly
cravingforitwit
hpap
Amanda:
"No,youcanhav
eit
.Butwai
tar
eyousur
e
thaty
ou'
real
ri
ght?"
Me:
"Yesma'
am don'
tsweatIam per
fect
lyf
ine"
Amanda:sheraisedherl
efteyebr
ow.Icouldseei
tin
hereyesthatshedidn'
tbel
iev
eme."you'vebeen
vomit
ingkhensani"
Me:"
Ever
yonev omit
,whyar
eyouact
ingl
i
ket
hisi
s
newtoyou"Isnapped
Amanda:
"Whoa!
"
Me:Ir
eal
isedmymi st
akeandapol
ogies"Iam sor
ry
i
t'
sjustt
hatIam notokay
,pl
easeexcuseme"

Itookt
hepl
ateandwentt
othel
oungeandeatt
here,
l
ooksli
keIam get
ti
ngt
oocomfor
tabl
einsomeone'
s
house.
I
ntheki
tchen

Amandat houghtaboutkhensani'
ssuddenout
burst
andvomiting,shetookherphoneandcall
khumbulani,whoshewentt ogoandbuybathrooms
thi
ngsEx=Ai rf
reshenerandtoi
l
etpaperset
c..
.

Amanda:
"Hav
eyouar
ri
ved?
"
Khumbul
ani
:
"No,
Iam st
il
lonmywayt
her
e"
Amanda:"
Haibookay
,anywaycanyoupl
easebuy
pr
egnancytestf
orme.Atcl
icks"
Khumbul
ani
:
"Wow,
arey
oupr
egnant
?"
Amanda:"
No, i
t'
sforKhensani
Iam t
hinki
ngt
hatshe
mightbepregnant
"
Khumbulani
:"What?
"Heexclai
medandr
emembered
thathedi
dn'tuseaprot
ect
ionwhenher
apedher
.
Buthebrusheditoff
Amanda:"
Hai
bowhyar
eyousur pr
ised?Don'
ttel
lme
you'
real
sosl
eepi
ngwi
thkhensaniLani"
Khumbulani
:
"Nosi
sdon'
twor
ryIam notsl
eepi
ng
wit
hher"heli
ed
Amanda:
"Okay
,cool
don'
tfor
gett
het
est
"

Shedr
oppedt
hecal
l
.

Gugu.

Sonto:
"Mom l
isten,
wedon'tevenknowwho'
s
khensani
butpleaselendusyourear
"
Mom:"
Soshedi
dn'
tsenty
out
ocomeanddo
any
thi
ngt
ous?"
Si
pho:
"No,
wer
ecei
vedacal
laboutGugu"
Mom:
"whatdi
dshedo?
"
Sipho:
"Noshedidn'
tdoany
thing.Someoner
aiseda
complainaboutgugu'
swel
lbeing"
Mom:
"Whatar
eyout
ryi
ngt
osay
?"
Sont
o:"
Canweatl
eastsi
tdown?
"
Mom:
"Okaycomei
n"

Sheledt
hem t
othet
abl
eandpul
loutchai
rsf
or
them.

Mom:
"Guguexcuseus"
Me:
"OkayMa"

Il
eftt
hem thinki
ngwhattheywantf
rom me.Idi
dn'
t
doanythi
ng,Ididn'
thur
tanyone.

I
ntheki
tchen

Sont
o:"
Mamaweewher
ewer
eyouonSat
urday
?"
Mom: "
Iwasher
eathome"Si
phoandsont
olooked
ateachot
her
Si
pho:
"Yourchi
l
dwentt
oschool
wit
hdi
rt
yshi
rt
?"
Mom:
"Ohhumm wat
ery
heat
heywer
efi
xi
ngt
aps.
AndIcoul
dn'
tgetwat
ert
owashhershi
rt
"
Sont
o:"
Real
l
y?Wer
en'
tyouathospi
tal
?"
Mom:"
Haibowhyar
eyouaski
ngmeaboutwher
eI
was?Whenandwhy?"
Sont
o:"
Mamacal
m down,
we'
rej
ustdoi
ngourj
ob"
Mom:"DoIl
ookli
keIf
uckencar
e?Justgett
hehel
l
outofmyhouse"
Si
pho:
"Mamayoudon'thavet
ofi
ghtusokay
.Let
's
si
tdownandt
alkl
ikeadult
s"
Mom:"Adul
tswit
hwho?Don'tt
ell
menonsense,
get
outofmyhouse"sheshout
s

Si
pho:
"Okay
"butknowt
hatwear
ecomi
ngbackf
or
Gugu
Mom: "Getout"shepushedthem outi
ft hehouse
"you'
recomingbackf orwho'schi
ld?Youwasn' t
therewhenIpopt hatchi
ldoutifmyv agina.You
don'tknowlabourpainsdon'
tcomeher eandt el
lme
bullyer
r!"
Khensani

Khumbul ani
camebackfrom mall
.Ihadtopack
ever
ythingandsoall
.WhenIwasdoi ngt
hatAmanda
camei nthebat
hroom wi
thapinkbox.

Amanda:
"Leav
ewhaty ourdoi
ngandcomehere"she
waswait
ingbythedoorfr
ame.Seri
ousnesswas
wri
tt
enonherface.
Me:
"Ohhokay
"Ist
art
edt
owonderwhatdi
dIdo?
Amanda:
"Si
tther
e"

Isatont
opoft
hebed

Amanda:
"HereIam hol
dingapr egnancytest
.You
ar
egoingtogointhatt
oiletandpeeont his"
Me:
"Iam notpr
egnant
"Idef
endedmy
sel
f
Amanda:
"Justgoi
nther
ewewi
l
lfi
ndoutt
het
rut
h"
Me:
"But
"
Amanda:"Don'tmakemer epeatmy selfandohh
knowthatwheny ou'repregnantI'
llhavetoletyougo
sis,
Ican'
ttakecareofbot hofy ou.Ican'tbareyour
moodswi ngsandal sofeedy ourcravi
ngs.Ididn'
t
l
ikewhaty oudidtodayatall"Ican'
tbepr egnantno
no.Thiswill
bethedeat hofme, Ican'talsolosemy
j
ob.Ireal
lycan't
Amanda:
"Whatar
eyouwai
ti
ngf
or?
"Sheshov
edt
he
testi
nmyhands.

Itooki
tpanicki
ngandwentinsi
det hebathroom.
Unfol
dtheinstruct
ionsandr
eadthem.Itstatedt
hat
Ihavetowaitfor5mi ns

Ipeedoni
t.

Amanda:"Si
sweegetout
.Idon'
ttr
ustyou.You
mightf
lushthet
est
"Isor
tedmyselfoutandwent
out

Iwaspacingupanddownwhent healarmrang
al
ert
ingust hat5mi nspassed.Amandajumpand
wenttotaket hetest
.Isawasmi l
ecav eonherl
ips.I
i
mmedi atel
yrelaxedmy sel
fandbreat
hout.

TOBECONTI
NUED

LI
KE,
SHARE,
COMMENTSANDMENTI
ON

KAMOGELOM
Chapt
er14

_
___
___
___
_

Khensani

Icouldn'
twaitanyl onger.Iwasworri
edaboutthe
result
s.Iprobablyaskedherf ort
hethi
rdti
me,what
wasr eal
lygoingon.Shekeptonsmi li
ngindi
sbli
ef
andshakingherheadatt hesamet i
me.Iwasso
eagertoheart heresult
st hi
swasmyl if
ewe'r
e
tal
kingabouther e.

Amanda:
"Wow,howol
dareyou"whatdoesmyage
hav
etodowithall
oft
his?
Me:"
Cany
oupl
easet
ell
mewhet
herIam pr
egnantor
not
?"
Amanda:
"Wor
kwi
thmekhensani
"
Shesai
dpaci
ng,
slowl
y
Me:
"OkayIam ni
net
een"
Amanda:"
19Khensani
?Soy
oucoul
dn'
tev
enwai
tto
reach21"
Thatwasconf
ir
mat
ionIam def
ini
tel
ypr
egnant
.
No.
.
Icoul
dn'
tbe.
.
Me:
"SoIam pr
egnant
?"Iasked,
ali
tt
lebi
t
emoti
onal
l
y

Isuddenl
yfel
tpowerl
ess.Imanagedtobalance
my sel
fwit
hthebedandheldmychest,Iam not
readytobeamother
,Ican'tbr
ingababyinthiscr
uel
wor l
d.

Idon'
tev
enknowwhot
hef
atheri
sbet
weenJohn
andKhumbul
ani
Amanda:"You'
reafool
khensani,
you'
resti
l
lyoung.
Youragemat esar
ealr
eadydoingsecondyeari
n
uni
versi
ty,andWenayou'
rehereworseyou'
reamaid.
Howar ey
ougoingtofeedt
hatbustar
dchil
d?Huh
answermekhensani
.Howungratef
ulareyou?ThatI
tookyoui
nmyhouseandy ousti
llf
all
pregnant
?"
Ist
il
lmai
ntai
nedmycool ,shewasrightmyage
matesar
ebusywi t
hschool andasforme,Iam
bei
ngtot
uredforwhatIdon'tknow.
I
'
m whatmenuset
orape

Me:"
It
'snotli
kethatAmanda.Youdon'
tknowwhatI
am f
eeli
ngdeepi nsi
demyheart,
youreal
l
ydont.I
wasrapedAmandabyt hemanmymom pr ai
sed.
Sheactual
l
ypr ai
sethegr
oundthathewalkedi
n"
Amanda:
"Soyoutr
yingtotel
lmethattheper
son
whoimpr
egnatedyouisyourst
epfat
her?"
Ishr
ugged.
Maybet
hiswast
het
imeIhadt
ouset
otel
lhert
he
t
rut
h.
Me:
"idon'
tknow.Khumbul
ani
rapedme"
sher
aisedherey
ebr
ows
Amanda:
"Woastopri
ghtther
esi
s,ar
eyoutryi
ngto
fr
amemybrother?I
sbecauseofmyri
chness?"
Me:"What!Idon'tcar
eabouty ourmoney.ButIam
tal
ki
ngahonestt r
uthhere,yourl
it
tl
ebrotherraped
me."Ismiledthroughmyt ears"ToeventhinkI'
ve
beggedhimt oletmegobutnoy ourbrot
herwas
busypressuri
nghi msel
font opofsomeone'schild"
Amanda:"Youknowwhat.Letmegoandcal
lhi
m so
thathecandefendhi
mself"

_
___
___
___
___
___
_

#Khensani
'
smot
her

Iwonder edwhocalledt
heSocialworkers.I
suspectedVelba.Shedoesn'
tknowmev erywellI
am goingtoshowt hesideofme.Thatshepr obabl
y
neversaw.Iam notgoingtolett
hissli
denotwhenI
am sti
llali
venoIdisagr
ee.
Me:
"GuguIam goingtoVel
ba'
sdon'
tfor
gett
odi
sh
upt
hepapitsf
ullycooked"
Gugu:
"Whati
fIbur
nmy
sel
fma?
"
Me:"
Iam t
ryi
ngtoteachyout
ohowcookher
eGugu
j
ustdowhatI'
vetol
dy out
odo"
Gugu:"
MamaIdon'
tev
enknowhowt
ost
irpapaf
ter
i
tformed"
Me:"Guguwee,don'
tmakememad"shekeptquiet
"I
'
llbebacki
nlessthan10mi nsIam goi
ngt
osort
outsomethi
ng"shestil
lkeptqui
et"
Ar ey
oudeaf
?"
Gugu:
"Okaymama"

What'swrongwiththi
schild?Iam tryi
ngtomakeher
happyKantiwhatdoesshewant .Ishotadeathstar
e
atherandleft
.Ididn'
tfeel
thedistancetoVel
ba'
s
shack,i
tisnearhouse.Iwaswal ki
ngfast,
she'
s
defi
nit
elygoi
ngtoknowmewel l
.Ibangedthedoor.

Vel
ba:
"Hai
bosomuchnoi
se?Isai
dIam comi
ng"
Assoonassheopenedthedoor
,Isl
appedherso
har
dthatIcoul
dfeel
thepai
nonmyhandt oo
Shescr
eamedwhi
l
ehol
dinghercheek
Vel
ba:
"Ar
eyoucr
azy
?Whydi
dyousl
apme"
Me:"
Itr
ust
edyouwithmydaught
erVel
baandwhat
di
dyoudohuh?Youwentandcallt
hesoci
alwhat
whatandnowtheywantt
otakemybabyfr
om me"
Vel
ba:
"What
?Ididn'
tdosuch,
Whyar
eyouaccusi
ng
meofthi
ngsIdi
dn'tdo?
"
Me:"
Iknowyoudi
dit
,you'
vebeenjeal
ousofme
si
nceI'
vest
art
edmybeadsbusiness"
Velba:"
Sisweedon'tcomeher
einmyhouseand
causeunnecessarydrama,
Iam t
ell
i
ngyouIdi
dn'
t
cal
l Soci
alworker
s"
Me:"
Hel
lyahIknewyou'
lldenyit
,angi
thi
youwant
myhusband?Well
sisKeeIam notgoingany
wher
e
ev
enGugushe'snotgoi
ngany where"
Vel
ba:"
YouthinkI'
dstoopsolowanddat earaper?
WorstI
'dneversett
leforanabusiv
erel
ati
onship.Let
metell
youKeesi syoudon'tdeser
vetobecall
eda
womanandamot her,
howcany oukeptquitewhil
e
youknowthatyouhusbandhasbeenf or
cinghimself
onyourdaught
erhuh?Yout hinkI'
dtakeyour
husbandcomeonewhatwi l
l Idowithadr unkar
d?
Youknowmebet ternxgetoutofmyy ar
d.
Me:"
It
snoneofyourbusi
nessonwhathappenedi
n
myhomeuy ezwa?I
tnotyourbusi
ness!
!!St
ayt
he
hel
lawayf
rom meandmyf amily"
Isai
dbef
orewal
ki
ngaway
Her
:"
You'
resi
ckwena!
!!
"Sheshout
ed.

Me:"
AndthenWenawhyar
eyoucry
ing"shewas
bl
owingt
heairusi
ngt
hemouthonherhand
shecont
inuedcr
ying
Me:
"Iam aski
ngy
ouaquest
ionwhat
swr
ong?
"
Gugu:
"I
..bur
nedmyhand"ohhGod
Me:"
Letmesee" Sheshowedmeherhand,
itwas
badl
yinj
ured,
itwasredandgr
eenvei
nswere
poppi
ngoutofherhand"
Gugu:
"Mom"shewai
l
ed
Me:
"Okaycomel
etgoi
nsi
det
hehouse"
Gugu:
"Mom.
.let
'sgocl
i
nic"shewasshacki
ng
Me:
"NocomeI
'
llsor
tyououtonmyown"
Gugu:
"I
.I.I
"okay

Iwentt or
unacoldwat erf
orher.Ibat
hedherafter
thatIfedher
.Iwasalsopanicki
ng.Igaveherpain
kil
ler
sandsleepi
ngpill
s.Iknowshe'snotsupposed
todrinksl
eepi
ngpil
l
s.ButIwant edhertorest
.

#Khensani
.

Wewer ewaiti
ngforKhumbulaniwhenweheardhis
f
ootsteps.Ihopedthathewouldn'
tbeaboutt
he
r
ape.Ididn'
tevenknowwherei wil
lgoift
heyki
cked
meout.Reali
tystar
tedtocr
eepi nwhenheopened
t
hedoor .
Lani:
"Heysi
s"hegreet
edAmandaonl
yasf
ormehe
j
ustgav emeadeathstar
eandset
tl
edont
hecouch
thatwasbesidet
hebed.
Amanda:
"Khensani
ispr
egnant
"
Lani
:
"Andwher
edoIf
iti
nherpr
egnancy
?"
Amanda:
"Khumbul
ani
"shewar
nedhi
m
Lani
:
"Okayokayt
alk"
Amanda:"
Areyousomehowi
nvol
vedi
nher
pr
egnancy?"
Lani
:
"Wowsi
showcany
ouaccusemeofsuch?
"
Amanda:
"Soy
ousay
ingt
haty
ou'
renotr
esponsi
ble?
"
Lani
:"
Ofcourse,whywoul
dIfuckkhensani
whi
l
ewel
l
shapedgi
rl
st hr
owthemsel
vesonme? "
Amanda:
"Lani
lookatmest
rai
ghti
nmyey
esandt
ell
meyoudidn'
tdoit
?"
Hehesi
tat
edabi
tbef
orel
ooki
ngathi
stear
s
Tearshadalr
eadywelledinmyeyesbuthe
eventual
l
ylookedather"No"hei
mmediatel
ylooked
down
Amanda:"Wellsi
syouhear dity
ourself.Iam af
rai
dI'
l
l
havetoletyougo.Ican'
ttrustyou,you'r
ehere
cl
aimingthatLanir
apedy ou.WellIknowhedi dn'
t
butyou'
llhavetogosis"
Me:"
Pleasesi
sAmanda"Ikneel
edi
nfr
ontofher
"it
's
l
atenowIdon'thav
eanywheret
ogoplease"
Amanda:
"Pl
easegoandpacky
ourt
hingsandl
eav
e
myhouse"
Me:
"Pl
easesi
sAmanda.
."Icr
iedandbegged
Hi
m:"
Youhear
dher
,justgobef
oreIdr
agy
ouout
"
Me:"
Okay,i
t'
sfi
neI'
l
lgo.
"Istoodupsl
owly"
cany
ou
atl
eastpaymethemoneythatI'
vewor
ked"
Amanda: sheslightlyl
aughed" hai bosisitlooksl i
ke
youdidn'
treadwel l t
hecont r
act .Youst ar
tedi nthe
middleofthemont h.Whi chthecont r
actexpl ained
thatyouwon'tbeget t
inganysal ar
ythismont h"I
bowedmyheaddown.Il etmyt earsfl
ow, Icouldn't
beli
eveIwaspl ayedagai n.AfterI '
vetol
dmy selfthat
Iwon'ttr
ustany one.I'
v ebetr
ay edmy self.
Amanda:
"DoIhav
etopacky
ourr
ags?
"
Me:"
Noit
'sf
ine,
thanky
ouf
oral
l
owi
ngmei
nyour
home"

Istoodupandwentt otheroom t
hatIwassleeping
i
n.Andpackedt hesmallbagIhad.Thi
sthi
ngt hati
s
i
nsidemyst omachisthereasonwhyIdon'
thav ea
roofovermyheadany more,normoney.Whatwi l
lI
feeditnx?

Af
terpackingfewclot
hesthatIhadatt hehouseI
wentout.Iwasplanni
ngtogowi thoutseei
ngthei
r
ev
ilf
aces.ButGodt hr
owthatplanawaybecause.I
wasmetbyt heirf
acesatthelounge.
Lanisear
chedmybagt
omakesur
eIdi
dn'
tst
eal
anyt
hing

Me:
"Thanky
ouf
oral
l
owi
ngmei
nyourhome"

Amanda:
"Cool"shewasnotthesamewomanwho
wassoni
cet omet hedayshenear
lybumpedme
Lani
:
"ButI
'
vewar
nedy
ounaweAmanda"
Amanda:"
Ithoughtshewasdif
fer
entf
rom other
s
andshewaspoorbutshethrewawaymyki ndness
ri
ghther
einmyf ace"

Ikeptqui
etAndconti
nuedmakingmywayout .The
ti
mewashal fpastsi
xwhenIleftt
hehouse.Isawit
onthewatchthatwasplacedonthewal
loncor r
idor
.

Dogskeptonbar ki
ngasi fiwasat hief.Thatdi
dn't
stopthetearsfrom flowing.It
houghtIwasst rong
butIwasn't.Itr
iedtost opcarsforalif
tbutnoone
stopped,notthatIblamedt hem everyoneisscared
oftheirl
i
fe,may bethey '
rescaredthatIwassentt o
hi
jackcarspr et
endingt obehikingli
ft

Thet houghtofsl
eepi
ngatpetrol
garagecamet omy
mind.Itookacastlel
ightboxandteari
t.Iwentto
cornerandplacedmybagasapi ll
ow.Andputmy
headdown.
Ishoul
dhav
etookakni
fe.I
t'
snotsaf
eoutt
her
e..
..

TOBECONTI
NUED

LI
KE,
SHAREANDCOMMENT
HERSTRUGGLE
Chapt
er15

Khensani

Ikeptonturningandtossi
ng,shiver
ing.Idi
dn'
thave
anyblanket,Icoul
dn'twai
tforthenighttoendbutI
somehowknewt hatIwassafe,thegaragewas
operat
ingevenatmi ghthour
s.
ButbyGod'
sgr
ace-i
fheexi
sts!
-Idosedof
f.

ThenextmorningIwokeupandwentt ot
henear
publ
i
ctoil
etstowashmyf ace.Ihadt
ogetsome
moneyandreturnhomejustR20thenIwoul
dget
home
Ir
eal
l
yhadt
ogohome.

Thewal
ktoMidr
andwasn'
tachil
d'spl
ay.Ihadn'
t
hadany
thi
ngt
oeat.Iwashungr
y,sobadthatIeven
t
houghtofget
ti
ngsomef
oodi
nthedust
bins.
Justany
thi
ngt
oeatwoul
dbef
ine.

Isawal
adyI
nawhi
tecarandr
ant
othecar
Me:
"Mamacany
ou.
."
Her:
"Hai
y!Suka!
!Thi
shobosneedtogetali
fe!
!!
"He
sai
dbeforecl
osinghercarwi
ndowanddroveoff

Me:"Sor
rymamacanIpl easehavefi
ver and,pl
easeI
am beggingyou"shej
ustcli
ckedhertongueand
wal
kedaway .Thesunwasn'tdoinganyjusti
cetome.

Isatdown,
Ineededt
orest
.Icr
iedsobad.
Icoul
dn'
t.
Thi
sli
fewas.
..
Idon'
tknow,
Unf
air
?
Ikeptonbeggi
ngunt
ilt
hesunwentdownIonl
yhad
2randwithme.
Somewomangav
eitt
omewhenIbeggedcr
ying

Thisishowli
feis,ahumanbeingneedst
osee
anotherwomanbei ngkneel
befor
ethem,cr
ythei
r
l
ungsoutbeforetheycouldhel
pthe.

Iret
urnedtothegarage,bef
oreIreachedt
hecornerI
sawt woyoungman' shoboseati
ng,Iwenttot
hem
j
usttotrymyl uck

Me:
"CanIpl
easehav
esome?
"
Oneoft
hem:
"Whoar
eyou?
"
Me:
"I
..
.Mynamei
sKhensani
..
"
Anotherone:
"Hai
yMpi
l
o!!Let
'sgi
vet
hepoorki
d
food!
"
Mpi
l
o:"
sur
e"Ikneel
eddownandeatwi
tht
hem.

Theywer
eGodsentaf
tereat
ingIt
hankedt
hem and
wal
kedt
othespott
hatIwasgoi
ngt
osl
eepi
n.

#Gugu

Ther
e'sdar
kness.Icanhearv
oicesbutIcantseem
tomakesenseofthem.
I
'
mtr
embl
i
ng.
Sheneedsmyhel
p,Icanthel
pher
.Shehast
ohel
p
hersel
f.
.
"
Gugu.
..
"
OH!
!
AndIf
inal
l
yhear
dherv
oice,
mysi
ster
..
Iwant
edt
orunt
oherbutIcoul
dn'
tseeher
.Iwas
af
rai
doft
hedar
ktoo
Me:
"Khensi
ist
haty
ou?
"
Khensi
:
"Hel
pme.
..
"
Me:
"Khensi
..
."
Her
:"
Gugucome.
."
Me:
"Ican'
tfi
ndy
ou.Comet
ome.
."
Her
:"
Ican'
tseey
ou.
."
Andt
her
ewasl
ouddi
stur
bingl
aught
er.
I
twasawoman,
Icoul
dseeher
.
Shecar
ri
edabl
ackt
eddybearandakni
fet
oo.
Shest
abbedt
het
eddybear
..Khensi
cri
ed.
.
Shestabbeditr
epeatedl
yandwi
theachst
ab,
Icoul
d
hearKhensi
'scr
ies.
.
Me:
"Khensi
!!
"
Her
:"
Shei
shur
ti
ngme.St
opherGugu!
!"
It
ri
edr
unni
ngt
othewoman.
.
Herey
es.
..

"
Gugu!
!!
"Mamawokeme.
Iwasdreaming.Icr
iedsomuch.Icoul
dfeel
my
si
sterwasn'
tokay.
#Khensani

Itri
edtotakeaj erseyandcovermyl egs, butthe
coldwasn'thearingnoneofit.Thewi ndkepton
blowingasifasmyenemyknewt hatIam sleeping
outsideanddecidedt ogoandpl anwi t
hmot her
naturetotor
tureme.Whi leIwasont hatsomeone
shookmyhand, Ithoughti
twasonmymi ndbutwho
everwasdoi ngthatrepeatedit.Idecidedt oturnand
l
ookatt hepersonwhowasst andingwi thaf rownon
herface,i
twasanol dwoman. she'sinher50' sifI
am notlyi
ng.

Her
:"
Whyar
eyouont
hest
reet
ssol
ate?
"
Ij
ustl
ookedather
.
Her:
"standup"thi
swasn'
tthet
imetoaskwhoshe
was.Istoodupandheldonthejer
sey"
Whyareyou
sl
eepinghere?"
Me:
"Ihav
enowher
etogo"
Her
:"
wher
e'sy
ourmot
her
?"
Me:
"Ir
athernott
alkabouti
t"
Her:
"okay,
Iwouldl
ovetohel
pyoubuthow
guar
anteedwil
lIbetoknowyouar
enotathi
ef?
"
Me:
"I
'm notat
hiefmamaIpr
omi
se.
."
Shesi
ghed
Her
:"
No,
Ican'
ttakesuchchances.
."
Shet
urnedt
owal
kaway
..

Ilookedatherwi thpi t
yeyesasshemadeherwayt o
thecar,nomanwhydon' tjofferherthisthi
ngthati
s
i
nsidemybel ly
?Itwonthur ttotry.Iquickl
yranand
blockedherway ,IknewwhatIwasaboutt odowas
notrightbutIcoul dn'
tbaretost ayatthegarage
anymor e.Ireall
ycan'tbareanotherrape.Thisti
meit
wouldr eal
lykil
lme. ..

Her:
"Hey!doyouwantt
odi
e?bl
oodyhel
l"She
shouted"whywoul
dyoubl
ockmyway?"
Me:
"Iam pr
egnant
"
Her
:"
Andwhatdoest
hathav
etodowi
thme?
'
Ikeptqui
et.
Shesl
ight
lypushedmeof
fherwayandopenedt
he
door
.
Ihear
dhersi
gh
Her
:"
Youmayt
akey
ourbagandgeti
n"
Ikeptqui
et
Her:
"I
'm onl
ydoi
ngt
hisbecausey
oudayy
ouar
e
pr
egnant..
"

Her:
"Buti
fIev
erf
indoutt
haty
ou'
rel
yi
ngt
o,I
'
lldeal
wit
hy ou"
Me:
"NoIswearonmygr
andmot
her
'sgr
ave"
Her:
"goandt
akey
ourst
uff
,Ihav
etogethomei
ts
l
ate"
Me:
"Okay
,thanky
ouv
erymuchMa"

Isai
dasIr
unt
otakemymi
nibagandt
heboxt
hatI
wassl
eepi
ngon.

Her
:"
andt
hebox?
"
Me:
"ohh,
shoul
dIt
hrowi
taway
?"
Her
:"
Obv
ious"Il
eftt
heboxt
her
e
Her
:"
geti
n"shewasn'
tsmi
l
ingnorl
aughi
ng

Igoti
nthebackofherToy
otaYar
isZeni
twaswhi
te
i
ncolour
.

Her
:"
Sowhat
'sy
ourname?
"
Me:
"Khensani
"shekeptherf
acest
rai
ghtt
other
oad
Her
:"
int
erest
ing,
arey
ouat
songa?
"
Me:"
Yes,
appar
entl
ymyf at
herwas"Isi
ghed"Idon'
t
ev
enknowwhethertosayisatsongaorwas"
Her
:"
Isee,
we'
regoi
ngt
osowet
o"
Me:
"ohhokay
"
Ikeptqui
etasshedrove,Il
ookedattheIl
ookedat
theti
me,wherether
ewasar adioi
twasaround
twelv
e(midni
ght)Iwonderwhereshewasgoingor
whereshewascomi ngfr
om.

Inanhourwewereget
ti
ngintheyar
dt hatIthinkit
washerhouse,
itwasnott
hatmuch.Itwasjustand
RDPhouseandroomsoutsi
deIthi
nksher entst hem.
Ithi
nkI
twasbasedinkasi
.Idi
dn'
tseei twel
l sincei
t
wasdark.

Her:
"Babewe'r
ehere.
"Shesai
dget
ti
ngoutofthecar
.
Ial
sof ol
l
owedher.Thewasascr
appycari
nthe
middleofthey
ard
Her
:"
Mysi
ster
'sdaught
eri
sher
e,she'
s20y
ear
sol
d."
Me:
"Okay
"
Her
:"
You'
l
lbesl
eepi
ngwi
thher
"
Wewenti nsidethehouse, i
twasokayi nsidethewas
aroundoldsof aatTVt oo,thatIam sureit'
saTV
room becausethewasawoodr oom divider
.sheled
met otheroom thatIthinkiwasgoingt osleepin.
AsformeIwasbusyf ol
lowingherwi t
hmybag.The
wayshewaswal ki
ngy ouwoul dthi
nkt hatshe's30
year
sol d,
shewasst rong.

Her
:"
Itl
ooksl
i
keshe'
snothome"
Me:
"Ohhokay
"
Her
:"
Buty
oucansl
eept
her
e"
Me:
"Idon'
thaveaprobl
em,I'
l
lsl
eeponthefl
oor"
Whatift
hegir
lhat
esmef ori
nvadi
ngherpr
ivacy
Her
:"
Nosi
l
ly,
sleept
her
eI'
l
lgoandgetext
rabl
anket
"
Me:
"Okay
"

Shewentout,It
ookaseatont hesingl
esofathat
wasatthecorneroftheroom,wait
ingforhert
ogive
meinst
ruct
ions.Ireal
lyhopedshehadnomanl iv
ing
i
nthehousewi t
hher .
Her
:"
Her
e,Iam goi
ngt
osl
eep"
Me:
"Thanky
ou"
Her:
"TomorrowmorningI
'l
ltakeyoutocl
i
nic,
to
conf
irmthatyou'
rer
eall
ypregnant"
Me:
"Nopr
obl
em"

Shenoddedandleftt
heroom.Isi
ghedandputthe
bagonthesofa.It
ookoffmyoldtakki
es.Il
ayedon
thebedandl
etmyey esshut
.

_
___
___
___
___
_

Her
:"Vukasi
s"shewasshaki
ngme,Iqui
ckl
ywoke
upandsatonmybutt"goandandbathwehav
eto
go"
Me:
"Ohh,
whatt
imei
tis?
"
Her
:"
It
's5o'
cl
ockwehav
etobeatcl
i
nicbysi
x.I
'
ve
al
readyranawat erforyou,
ther
e'sanewteethbr
ush
atthecupboardinbathr
oom"Iam sureshecould
smellmybadbr eathIhaveful
ltwodayswit
hout
brushi
ngmyt eeth
Me:
"Doy
oumi
ndshowi
ngmet
hebat
hroom?
"
Her:
"cal
lmeGogoMthandazo.Comef ol
l
owme"I
gotofft
hebedmaki
ngsur eIdon'
twaketheperson
whowassleepi
ngnextt
ome.Shel ookedli
keshe
hadbeendri
nki
ngl
astnight.

If
oll
owedhertothebathroom.Sheboughtabl
ue
dr
essandredpumpsaf terbathi
ngIworet
hem.And
br
ushedmyshorthairwiththebrusht
hatI
'v
efound
i
nthecupboar
d.

Me:
"Iam done"
Her
:"
Cool
"shet
ookhercarkey
sont
hecof
feet
abl
e

Ifol
lowedhertothecar
.Thedri
vet
ocl
ini
cwasn'
t
thatlong.Thel
i
newasnotthatt
oomuch
Gogo'
Mthhandazosati
nthecarout
sidet
hecl
i
nic.

Me:
"Goodmorni
ng"Igr
eet
edthesecur
it
yguywho
wasopeni
ngt
hegateforme
Hi
m:"Sawubonasi
s"hegav
emeanumbercar
d,I
wasnumber76
Me:
"Iam newher
esoIdon'
tknowhowt
hingswor
k.
Hi
m:"
Iunder
stand,
doy
ouhav
eabook?
"
Me:
"No"
Him:"
Okay
,they'
l
lopenaf
il
efor
,doyouseethatbl
ue
doubl
edoor?"Hewaspoi
nti
nghi
sfi
ngeratt
hedoor
Me:
"Yes"
Hi
m:"
Theywi
l
lopenaf
il
efory
ou"
Me:
"Thanky
ou"

Iwal
kedt
other
ecept
ionwher
ethey
'veaskedmy
name.
Me:"
I'
vekindal
eftmyIDcar
dbutIknowi
tbyhead"I
answeredassheaskedf
ormyident
it
y
Her
:"
Ohhokay
,youcanshoutt
henumber
s"
Me:
"01*
***
***
***
*"
Her
:"
Okay,her
eall
itdone.Fr
om nowony
ou'
l
ljoi
n
t
hatli
neandwaitf
oryou'r
eturn"

Inodded,Iwasact uall
yamaz edthatshewasni cet
o
me,may beit'
sjustthatshe'snotanurse.WhatI
knowthatmostoft henursesarerude.Ij
oinedthe
l
ineandgr eetedtheladywhoIsatnextt oher.She
wasbreast f
eedingherbaby .

Me:
"Hel
l
o"
Her
:"
ohhhi
sis"Ismi
l
ed

I
'v
ewaitedtobecalled,whil
eIdrownedinmyown
t
hought
s,thi
si snottheli
fethatIwi
shedtohave
whenIwasy oung.Youknowmostofy oungki
ds
al
way shav edr
eamsasf ormeIalwaysdreamtt
obe
aairhostessbutJohnshovedmydreamsaway ,I
wasdisturbedbyanurseshout
ingnext!

Me:
"Iam sor
ryIdi
dn'
theary
ou"
Nur
se:
"Youbet
terbef
ir
st,
Ihav
etogot
olunch"

Iqui
ckl
ymar
chedt
other
oom t
hatshewaspoi
nti
ng
wit
hher

Her
:"
Sitdown"It
ookasatbesi
det
hebed
Me:
"Thanky
ou"
Her
:"CanIpl
easeseeyourf
il
e?"It
ookt
hef
il
eand
gav
eher"Soy ou'
renewher
e?"
Me:
"yes"
Her
:"
int
erest
ing,
khensani
nicename"okayshe'
snot
t
hatbad
Me:
"Thanky
ou"
Her
:"
Sowhat
'swr
ong?
"
Me:"
Iam her
eforcheckup,
Ifoundoutt
hatIam
pr
egnant
,soIwanttoseehowmanyweeks"
Her
:"
let
'sf
ir
stchecky
ourt
emper
atur
e"

Afterf
ewmi nsofcheckingthetemperat
ureshe
askedtocheckmywei ght,Iwenttopeeonthe
contai
nersanditwasconfirmedthatIwas2weeks
pregnant
.It
'sKhumbulani'
s.

Aft
ershewr
oteevery
thi
nginthef
il
e.It
oldhert
hat
I
'l
lbedoi
ngcheckupshere.

Af
terIl
eftandshowgr
amst
hatIam r
eal
l
ypr
egnant

Tobecont
inued

Admi
nkamogel
om
HERSTRUGGLE

CHAPTERSI
XTEEN

#Gugu

Ther
e'sdar
kness.Icanhearv
oicesbutIcantseem
tomakesenseofthem.
I
'
mtr
embl
i
ng.
Sheneedsmyhel
p,Icanthel
pher
.Shehast
ohel
p
hersel
f.
.
"
Gugu.
..
"
OH!
!
AndIf
inal
l
yhear
dherv
oice,
mysi
ster
..
Iwant
edt
orunt
oherbutIcoul
dn'
tseeher
.Iwas
af
rai
doft
hedar
ktoo
Me:
"Khensi
ist
haty
ou?
"
Khensi
:
"Hel
pme.
..
"
Me:
"Khensi
..
."
Her
:"
Gugucome.
."
Me:
"Ican'
tfi
ndy
ou.Comet
ome.
."
Her
:"
Ican'
tseey
ou.
."
Andt
her
ewasl
ouddi
stur
bingl
aught
er.
I
twasawoman,
Icoul
dseeher
.
Shecar
ri
edabl
ackt
eddybearandakni
fet
oo.
Shest
abbedt
het
eddybear
..Khensi
cri
ed.
.
Shestabbeditr
epeatedl
yandwi
theachst
ab,
Icoul
d
hearKhensi
'scr
ies.
.
Me:
"Khensi
!!
"
Her
:"
Shei
shur
ti
ngme.St
opherGugu!
!"
It
ri
edr
unni
ngt
othewoman.
.
Herey
es.
..

Isatupst
rai
ght
.
Thi
swast hesecondtimeIhadthiski
ndofdr eam.I
t
wasscary
.Itfel
tsoreal.MaybeIwasmi ssi
ng
Khensi
sobadt hatIhadthi
skindofdreams.
Ist
il
lhadt
hemoneyshegav
eme.ThensoonI
'
llv
isi
t
her
.

Myhandwasv
erypai
nful
,thebur
nwasswol
l
ent
oo.
I
twasbad.
.
.
WhenIwal
kedoutoft
hehouse,
mamawasn'
t
ar
ound.
Iwasal
onei
nthehouse.
Iwasscar
ed

Idi
dn'
tev
enbr
ushmyt
eet
h.Ij
ustwentt
oVel
ba'
s
house

Iknockedaf
ewt
imesbef
oresheopenedt
hedoor
Vel
ba:
"Guguwhyar
eyouher
e?I
sev
ery
thi
ngal
ri
ght
?"
Me:
"Yes.
..
No.I
'
m scar
edofbei
ngal
onei
nthehouse"
Her
:"
Wher
eisy
ourmot
her
?"
Me:
"Idon'
tknow"
Her
:"
Comei
n,I
'
llmakey
ousomet
hingt
oeat
"
Shemademebr
eadandRama
Her:
"Guguwhat
'swr
ong?I
sev
ery
thi
ngokayat
home?"
Me:
"I
'm hav
ingscar
ydr
eam Aunt
ie.
."
Her
:"
Whatki
ndofscar
ydr
eam"
Me:"
AscarywomanwhoCar ri
esablackteddybear
andstabbi
ngi
t.Khensani
cry
ingsobadly
"
Her
:"
Wher
eisKhensi
?"
Me:
"Shei
swor
kingi
nMi
drand.
."
Her
:"
Aowshame.
."

Justwhenweweresti
l
ltal
ki
ng.Mamacame
bangi
ngatherdoor
.
Shel
ether
sel
finsi
de
Her
:"
Vel
badidn'
tIt
ell
yout
ost
ayt
hehel
lawayf
rom
myfami
ly?
"
Sheat
tackedher

#Khensani

Me:
"Iam t
woweekspr
egnant
"
Isai
dasIgav
egr
amsmycl
i
niccar
d
Her
:"
Oh,
that
'sgr
eatnewsact
ual
l
y"

Shest
art
edt
hecaranddr
oveaway
.
Her:
"I
'l
lbebr
ingi
ngy
ouf
ory
ourmont
hly
appoi
ntment
s."
Inodded.

Wedi
dn'
tdr
ivehome.
Wedr
ovet
osomepl
acear
oundSowet
o
Her
:"
Stayi
nthecar
,don'
tgetout
"
Inodded

Shewal
kedoutt
othey
ard.
Iremai
nedseat
edinthecar.Somet
hingshady
seemedtobegoingoninthere.
Al
otofscar
ylooki
ngguy
swer
ecomi
ngout
.
Andshedi
dcomeoutaf
terawhi
l
etop,
car
ryi
nga
bag.
Her
:"
Doy
ouneedany
thi
ngt
oeat
?"
Iwasst
il
luncomf
ort
abl
ear
oundher
.
Ishookmyheadno
Her
:"
No,I
'l
lbuyyousomet
hing,
youhav
etoeatf
or
t
hesakeofthatbaby
"

Iwontli
e,thi
swomanseemedtoogoodt
obet
rue.
ButIpushedmyinst
inct
saway
.
MaybeIhadtot
rusther
,thatshewoul
dpr
otectme
f
rom t
heevil
ofthi
sworld.
I
'
vebeent
hroughhel
l
,Idi
dn'
tneedanymor
etr
oubl
e.

Shecamebackandwedr
ovebackhome
Her
:"
SoKhensi
.Tel
lme,
wher
ear
eyouf
rom?
"
Me:
"I
'mf
rom Tembi
sa"
Her
:"Whatmadey
oul
eav
ehome?
"
Me:
"I
'dr
athernott
alkabouti
t"
Her
:"
Soy
oul
eft
?Shedi
dn'
tchasey
ou?
"
Ishookmyheadno
Her
:"
I'
m sor
ry.I
'
mjustcur
ious"
Si
l
ence

Wepar
kedout
sideherhome.
Hersi
ster
'schi
ldwasawakeandsi
tt
ingonachai
r
wit
habottleofSav
annah
Gr
ams:
"Nt
okozoy
ouar
est
il
ldr
inki
ngev
ennow?
"
Nt
okozo:
"Ihav
ehangov
erandwho'
sthi
s?"
Gr
ams:"
It
sKhensani
,shewi
l
lbeshar
ingt
her
oom
wi
thy
ou"
Her
:"
Oh!
!Hel
loKhensi.Doyoudr
inkal
cohol
?Ihav
ea
f
ewbott
lesi
nthefr
idge!"
Shesai
dexci
tedl
y
Gr
ams:
"No!
!!Khensi
ispr
egnant
"
Shesmi
l
edwhi
l
ebr
ushi
ngmyhungr
yst
omach
Her
:Sodon'
tmakeherdr
inkal
cohol
!!
"

Her:
"Letmegogetsomet
hingt
oeatf
ort
hiscut
e
l
it
tl
ebaby !
"
Shewi
nkedt
hendi
sappear
edt
otheki
tchen.
.
.

Nt
okozowasfunt
obear
ound.Shemanagedt
o
makemefor
getal
lmypr
obl
ems.
Sj
ewasdanci
ng.Tel
l
ingmeaboutherl
if
eofbeinga
dr
unkar
dandhowmuchshehatedschoolwhen
gr
owingup

Her
:"
Sot
ell
me,
howdi
dyoumeetMt
handazo?
'
Me:"
Imetheratagar
age,
Iwassl
eepi
ngandshe
cameandoffer
edmeahome"
Her
:"
Mmh"
Me:
"AndI
'
llal
way
sappr
eci
ateherf
ort
hat
"
Her:
"Don't
..
Justmakesur
eyoudon'
tgetonher
wrongside."
Me:
"Whatdoy
oumean?
'
Her:
"No,nevermi
ndt
hat
.Whatdoy
out
hinkabout
t
hisdress?"

#Gugu

Mymot
herbeatVel
basobad.PoorVel
bacoul
dn'
t
f
ightback.Iwoul
dn'
ttoo,
mymot
heri
sver
yscar
y.
Al
otofpeopl
einournei
ghbour
hoodf
ear
sher
.

Thenei
ghbour
smanagedt
ost
opt
hef
ight
.
Shekeptonswear
ingatVelba.Mymot
herwas
angr
ywhenwewal kedbackhome

"
WhatIsayaboutgoi
ngt
oVel
ba'
shouse?
"
Shespankedme
Icr
iedoutl
oud
Her
:"
Youdon'
tl
ist
enwena!
!"
Shecont
inuedspanki
ngme
Iwascr
ying.
..

"
MamaKhensani
don'
tdot
hat
!!
!"
Thenei
ghbourt
ri
edst
oppi
ngher
Mama:
"Yeyy
ey!
!!
!Voet
sak!
!!
"Shesai
dtot
he
nei
ghbor

Mama:"Whot hehel
lareyoutotel
lmehowt o
di
scipl
i
nemydaught er?Heeh?Areyouhersecond
mother?Fuckoffmarn!!
"
Shewasv
eryangr
y

Shedr
aggedmehome.

Ther
ewasacarout
sidepar
ked.

Sheletgoofmyhandr
eal
i
zingpeopl
ewer
e
watchi
ng.
Shet
ri
edpi
cki
ngmeup
Her
:"
I'
m sor
rynanaokay
?"
Inodded
Her
:"I
ftheyasky
ouwhathappenedt
ell
them y
ou
f
ell
"
Chapt
er17

Gugu

Mom:"
miy
elanwanawasmina,Nt
akuxavel
a
masi
mba(don'
tcr
ymychi
ldI'
ll
buysnacksfory
ou"
Me:
"I
thur
tsobadmom"
Mom:
"Iknow,
I'
ll
takey
out
odoct
or"

Whenthesoci
alwor
kersawGuguandhermom t
hey
gotof
fthecar
.

Sont
o:"
HeyMa"
Mom:
"HowcanIhel
pyou?
"
Si
pho:
"Wearehereregar
dingGugu'
sissue,
wai
t
Guguwhathappenedtoyourhand?
"
Me:
"Imi
stakenl
ybur
ntmyhand"
Mom:
"She'
sly
ing,
shef
ell
"
Sonto:"
Okay,
Isee"shelookedatmom suspect
ing
thatsomethi
ngiswrong."Whydidn'
tyout
akeherto
hospit
al?"
Mom:
"ohhi
tI'
venot
icedt
hati
tisnott
hatbad"
Si
pho:"Ohhokay
,canwepl
easegeti
nsi
det
hehouse
sothatwecantalk"
Mom:
"Tal
kaboutwhat
?"
Si
pho:"Mamaweewear etakingGugusi
ncewe've
noti
cedthat
,you'r
eneglecti
ngGugunowherhandi s
i
njuredyoudi
dn'tevenbotheryour
sel
ftotakehert
o
hospit
al"
Mom:"Doy ouknowmeory ou'
rejusttalki
ngshit?
Thisi
smychi ld.I
'vecarr
iedher9mont hsinmy
womby oucan' tj
ustcomeher eandcl ai
m ugugu.Do
youknowlabourpai ns?Clear
lyyoudon' tknowthem
Icanseeitthatyoudon'tknowl abourpainsjustget
outofmyy ard"
Sonto:"Pl
easewor kwithusMaonceyou'
veproved
uswr ongthaty ou'
recapabl
eoft
aki
ngcareofyour
chi
ldy ou'
llgether"
Me:"Whyshoul
dIproofMust oyouthatIcantake
car
eofdaughter?Ar
ey ousomesor tofsper
m donor
?
don'
tactasify
oudonat edsomethi
ngtomaket hi
s
chi
ldahuman.Justgetoutofmyf ace"
Sipho:"
Maifyoudon'
tal
l
owust
odoourj
obwe'
l
lbe
forcedtocal
lthepol
i
ce"
Mom:
"Br
ingt
hem I
'
llt
ell
them what
'si
nmyhear
t.
"

Shegr
abbedmyar
m andpul
l
edmet
othehouse.

Me:
"GuguIseeyouwantt
obethedeathofme.
Di
dn'
tItel
lyout
hatyoumustt
ell
them t
hatyouf
ell
"
Me:"
Ican'
tbr
ingmy
sel
ftol
i
emom,
theywoul
dhav
e
seeni
tthr
oughme"
Mom:
"Doy
ouwantt
hem t
otakey
ouawayf
rom y
our
mom?
"
Me:"
Mom yesIdo.At
leastt
hey'
l
lbeabl
etot
akecar
e
ofme.Somethi
ngthatyoucan'
tdo"
Mom:
"Whatdoy
oumeanGugul
ethu?
"
Me:"
Mom y oudon'tcar
eaboutmywellbei
ng.Iam
10year
si ngrade5mom butyouexpectmetodo
myownl aundry,
youonlycar
eaboutthatr
api
styou
cal
lahusband"
Mom:
"Don'
ttal
ktomel
i
ket
haty
ouchi
l
d"
Me: "
it
'st
hetr
uthmom,di
dy ouseehowy ou
panickedwhenyousawdadonf l
oor
?.Mom y ou
didn'
tgivemethesamereact
ionwhenIburnedmy
selfmama."
Mom:"
Iam sor
ryt
haty
ouhadt
ofeel
li
ket
hatmy
chi
l
d"
Me:"
Woul dy
oubeli
evemei
fIt
ell
yout
hatJohnone
dayrubbedmyvagi
na?"
Mom:"
Whyyougi
rl
shat
eJohn?You'
reev
encal
l
ing
hi
m wi
thhi
sname"
Me:
"Mom youknowiti
nyourhear
thowheusedt
o
r
apekhensani
,Imi
ghtaswell
go"

Isai
dgoingtowhereIusedtosleepwi
thkhensani
,
andtookherj
erseyandworeit
.Imisshersomuch
butIcan'
tgowher
eshe'
swor
kingal
one.

Khensani

Thefol
lowingmor ningIwokeupanddeci dedt
o
workaroundt hekit
chen,Imeansomeonecan'tlet
meinherhouseandnotdoany thi
ng.Itookabroom
andsweptt heyard.Whil
eIwasmi ndi
ngmyown
busi
nessNt okozocameout .

Me:
"Heymor
ning"
Her
:"
ausi
,whatar
eyoudoi
ng?
"
Me:
"OhhIam t
ryi
ngt
ohel
p"
Her
:"
Iyhoo,
Iheardt
hatyourpr
egnantandy
oucan'
t
dot
hatwhilepr
egnant"
Ichuckl
ed
Me:
"Umm Idi
dn'
tknowaboutt
hat
"
Her
:"
Soar
eyouhappy
?"
Me:"
Ireal
l
ydon'
tknowntokozo,
umm canIt
rust
you?
"IaskedasIl
etgoofthebroom
Her:
"Yes,
comesi
ther
e"Shef
ixedacr
atef
orme.I
satnextt
oher
.

Me:
"Youknowwhengrowingup,
Iwasahappychi
l
d,
mymom usedt
oprotectme."
Il
aughedasIexplai
ned,I'
venev ert
oldanyonethi
s
butt
odayhereIam.Inev erthoughtI'
dtel
lsomeone
mystruggl
esbuttodayIwantt o.Ineedtoget
ever
ythi
ngout,Iwanttosharemypai nwith
someonemay beI'
ll
findclosure.
Her:
"Don'
twor
rysi
syoucanshar
eany
thi
ngwi
thme
okay?"
Me: "
Umm y essoThewast hisday,Iwaswithmom
wewer ecomi ngfrom parkitwasdark.Shenoticed
threeguysfoll
owingust hoseguy si
ntendedtorob
usIt hi
nk,
butwewer esavedbyapol icemanwho
actedasifashewaswal kingwithus.Okaythet hi
ng
i
sonedayI 'vefoundthatpol i
cemanathomeI
thoughtmay bemamawasopeni ngcase.Il
etitgo
unti
lsheannouncedt hatthey'
redatingIacceptedi
t,
Iwasdoinggr ade4.Wewer eafami l
y,happyfamil
y
wewoul dlaughandsoal l.Unt
ilhewasf ir
edathis
work.ThingschangedandwentSout hhestart
edto
abusemama.Dr i
nkt hewhol eday ,welostcarand
thehousewehadt osl eepathissister'
shouseunti
l
mamamanagedt obui ltathr
eer oom shack.Iwas
13yearswhenhest artedt ol
ookatmei nweirdway,
sometimeshewoul dcomeatni ght.Rubmypussy
whil
ejeckinghiscock. "
Bythatt
imet
earswer
efl
owi
ngl
i
kear
iver
.She
pul
l
edmet oherl
ap.
"Iwasbusybrushi
ngmyhai rwhenhecameint
he
room.HelockedthedooryouknowwhatIdi
d?"She
shookherhead"Iaskedhi
mt hat"
Daddywhyar
ey ou
l
ockingthedoor?"
Hetoldmet hathewantedt ohelpmet i
emyhai r.He
al
sot ol
dmet hathehadt obli
ndfoldmesot hatI
cannotseehi m whenhebr ushedme.AndIagr eedI
wasfool .Ionlysuspectedthatwhenhet hr
ewme
ontopoft hebed, Icanevenrememberhi sgroans
andshit.Ther apeconti
nueduntilIdr
oppedoutof
school
,Icoul
dn'
tconcent
rat
eIkeptont hi
nki
ng
aboutwhathedi
dt ome.I.
..
..Icr
iedt
omamaIt ol
d
herwhatwashappeningt
omesheonl ysai
dthati
t
wil
lpassbuti
tdidn'
t.
"

Me:
"Igr
ewt
ohat
emyownmot
herf
orhi
sshi
t!
!"

Her:
"Ireall
ydon'tknowwhatt osayKhensani,but
you'
reagr eatgi
rl,youhavetodealwit
hy ourpain.
Wheny ougi v
ebi r
thtothatchi
ldyou'
recarryi
ngy ou
mustmakesur ethatyou'
llal
waysprotecti
twithall
youhav e.Nohumanshoul dgot hr
oughwhaty ou
went.Youhav eav erydeepwoundinsideyourheart,
youhav etodeal wi
thitsi
s"
Me:"
IknowNt
okozobutIcan'
tfor
getwhatIwent
t
hrough"
Her:
"Youdon'
thav
eto,buty
oumustlear
ntonot
showtheworl
dhowbrokenyouar
e.Youcanstil
l
becamewhoy ouwant
edtobewhengrowingup"
Me:
"Iknow"
Her
:"
Soy
ou'
repr
egnantwi
thhi
schi
l
d?"
Me:
"Nosomef
ool
"Isai
dlaughi
ng.Tr
yingt
obl
ock
t
hepai
n.
Her
:"
Buty
ou'
l
lbeal
ri
ght
"
Me:
"Ir
eal
l
yhopedo.
"
Her
:"
Youknowwhat?Let
sgoandbuybunnychow
maybei
twil
lcheery
ouup"
Me:
"I
t'
sst
il
lear
ly"
Her
:"
Don'
twor
rywewi
l
lwai
t"
Me:
"okayl
etmegoandbr
ushmyt
eet
h"
Her
:"
Cool
"

Iwentt
obrushmyt eet
handwhenr
etur
nedIf
ound
herwai
ti
ngimpat
ientl
y.

Me:
"Chi
l
lIam done,
comel
et'
sgo"
Her
:"
Yousur
elyt
akey
ourt
ime"
Me:
"Iwasonl
ygonef
or5mi
nut
esNt
okozo"
Her
:"
Sti
l
lcomel
et'
sgo"

Shewast
ell
i
ngmeaboutherexes.

Her:
"Thatguyhur
tmeKhensani
,youknowhe'
sthe
onewhomademechangemysexual it
y"
Me:
"Whatdoy
oumean?
"
Her
:"
Iam al
esbi
anbecauseofhi
m"
Me:
"you'
redat
inggi
rl
s?"
Her
:"
Yes,
lessst
ress,
lessdr
ama"
Me:
"Whoahai
"
Her
:"
Isuggesty
oubecameal
esst
oo"
Il
aughed
Me:"
Hellnof
orwhat
?Buthonest
lyI
'
venev
erdat
ed
bef
ore"
Her
:"
Don'
twor
ryy
ouwi
l
lsoon"
Chapt
er18

_
___
___
___
___
_

Khensani

Livi
ngwithgramsandNt okozohasbeenagr eat
thi
ng.Idon'twannalie,thetreatmentthatthey'
re
givi
ngisonanot herpoint.IneverthoughtI'
dfinda
famil
ythatwilll
oveme.Todayi twasmyt urntodo
housechoresy ester
dayi twasNt okozo'
s.Ioptedto
usethemopsot hatIcanav oi
dbackpai nswhenI
boweddown, Aft
ermopi ngt hehouseItookdi r
ty
waterandspilli
taway .Iwasl ef
twi t
h2chor estodo
i
e.cookingandwashi ngdi shesIwassur eNt okozo
wasst i
l
lasleep.Shehadbeenoutdr i
nki
ngt he
previ
ousnight.
Iwoul
dbel
yi
ngwhenIsaythatNt
okozohadbeen
gi
vi
ngmenast
yat
ti
tude.She'
sBeengreat
.
Shewast
hebestsi
sterIhadal
way
sbeendr
eami
ng
ofhav
ing

Her
:"
Heyy
ou"shesai
dasshest
ret
chedherar
ms
Me:
"Mor
ning,
howdi
dyousl
eep?
"
Her
:"
Goodgood,
Ithi
nkIam hungr
y"
Me:
"ohhshoul
dImakey
oucer
eal
?"
Her:
"Yesandgr
amsaskedmet
otel
lyout
hatt
oday
i
t'
slaundr
yday"
Me:"
WellIdon'
thavetoomuchcl
othesy
ouknow,
so
I
'l
lhel
pyouwi t
hyours"
Her
:"
I'
ll
begl
ady
ouknow,
Iwasev
enst
ressed"
Me:"
Ntokozoyou'
rel
azyy
ouknowt
hatandpl
ease
don'
targue"
Her:
sherai
sedherhandsi
nsur
render"
Iknow,
I
know."
Me:
"Letmecooksot
hatwecanst
artourwashi
ng"
Her
:"
I'
ll
leav
eyout
oitt
hen"
Me:
"Di
dn'
tyousayt
haty
ouwantt
oeat
?"
Her
:"
Ohhy
es,
Ifor
got
"
Me:"
What'swrong?Icanseei
tiny
ourey
est
hat
you'
renotokay"
Her
:"
Doy
ouwantmoney
?"
Me:"
Ofcour
seIdoNtokozo,
ImeanI
'
dbui
l
tmay
bea
1room f
ormysel
f"
Her
:"
Okay
"
Me:
"Whyar
eyouaski
ngmet
hat
"
Her:
"Wewi
llgotosomepar
tyt
oni
ght
,I'
l
lint
roduce
youtomysquad"
Me:"Ohhokayt
hen.Asl
ongasy
ouknowt
hatIdon'
t
dr
ink"
Her
:"
Iknow"

Ineededsomet i
metobreat
h.Ihav
epunishedmy
sel
fsolong.Ihavehel
dontothepainanditwas
ti
met ol
etgo.
Sheleftmetoconti
nuewit
hmypots,af
tercooki
ngI
clear
edtheki
tchenandwentt
ocheckontimeonTV.
Itwas12AM.Iwentt ogr
amsroom andknock.

Her
:"
HowcanIhel
pyouKhensi
"shebar
elysmi
l
ed
Me:
"OhhIcamet
ocol
l
ecty
ourcl
othes.I
fyoudon'
t
mi
nd"
Her
:"
Cool
,buty
oumustbef
astbecauseIhav
eto
t
akeyout
omall"
Me:"
Umm youdon'
thavet
obuymeany
thi
ngMa.I
cancopewi
thcl
othest
hat
'sIhav
e"
Her
:"
Youmean1j
ean,
twoT-
shi
rt
sanddr
ess?
"
Me:
"Yes"Inodded
Her:
"Don'
tbesi
ll
y,youalsohav
etobuyf
acewash.
Yourfacei
snotappeal
ingatal
l"
Me:"
Iknow"WellIdon'
thav
eclearf
ace.Si
nceI'
ve
st
oppedusingcuti
curaf
acewashmyf acewasso
muchoil
y.
SoI
'
llhav
etowor
khar
dtogetmoneysot
hatIcan
al
sogetascr
ubbecauseIl
ookl
ikeazombi
e.Al
so
bl
ackheadst
hat
mamausedt opuncht
hem,t
hey'
re
nowalot
"
Her
:"
Whatwer
eyouusi
ng"
Me:"
Mamausedt obuymecut i
cur
aproduct
sbut
shestoppedwhenumm..
..Yesshest
opped"
Her
:"
Nopr
obl
em,
I'
ll
gett
hepr
oductf
ory
out
oday
"
Me:
"Thanky
ou"

Ihummedsoft
lythenwentt
otakeal
aundr
ybasket
.
Andwentout
side.

Ntokozo:"
Okay
,si
nceyou'
repr
egnantI
'
llwashand
you'
llr
inseandhangt
hem"
Me:
"Okay
,nopr
obl
em"
Ntokozo:
"I
'l
lstar
twi
thgr
amsclothes,
shedoesn'
t
wanthersmi xedwi
thot
hercl
othes"
Me:
"Okaycool
"
WewashedGogoMt handazo'
sclot
hes.Mostofher
cl
othesareblacki
ncol our
.Therewasalotoftr
ack
pants,
isn'
tsheoldforthat?

Me:
"Nt
okozoy
ou'
real
way
staki
ngabr
eakWhat
sup"
Her
:"
OhhIwasj
ustchecki
ngi
fPr
eshhaspost
ed"
Me:
"Who'
sPr
esh?
"
Her
:"
Sisy
oudon'
tknowwhoPr
eshi
s?"
Me:
"I
sshesomesor
tofcel
ebr
it
yor
?"
Her
:"
Youcansaysomet
hingl
i
ket
hatbecauseshe'
s
f
amous"
Me:
"Ohh,
Whatmakesherf
amous?
"
Her
:"
She'
sanaut
hor
"
Me:
"Youmeanshewr
it
est
ori
es"
Her:
"Yes,Iam al
waysgluedonmyphonebecauseof
herandthere'
sSandi
siwe.Iam busysavi
ngmoney
tobuyherbook.Shewritesonfacebookand
v
isi
onar
ywr
it
ingst
hough"
Me:
"SoPr
eshwr
it
eonFacebook?
"
Her:
"Yes,
Iam r
eadi
ngNongcebo.Youmustal
sot
ry
i
t"
Me:
"Idon'
thav
eaphone"
Her
:"
I'
ll
askGogot
ogety
ouaphone"
Me:"
Nah,Iam goodIdon'
twanttowast
emytime
r
eadingFacebookst
ori
es.Theywri
teal
otoff
air
y
t
alethi
ngssono"
Her
:"Noy oumustbet al
ki
ngaboutthosegangster
wri
tersnotPresh.Sheonlywr
itet
hingsthathappen
i
nreal l
i
fe,t
hat'
swhyIam sayingthatyoushould
r
eadNongcebo.May beyoumightheal
"
Me:
"Idon'
tknow.I
'
llt
ryt
hem whenIgetphone"
Her
:"
Pleasedo,
letmecheckagai
nthenf
ini
shher
e"
Me:
"Nt
okozo!
"
Her
:"
Leav
emeal
one,
Iam addi
cted"shel
aughed
Wecont
inuedwashi
ng.

Grams:"NtokozoandKhensani l
et'
sgo.Idon'
twant
tocomebackl at
e"aft
erwashingclot
heswewentt o
bath.Ntokozoborrowedmeherbl ackjeanandplai
n
pinkt-
shirt
.Wewer enowwai t
ingforhertofi
nish
bathi
ng.
"Idon'
tevenknowwhoshe'
sshe'
str
yingt
olook
goodfor"
Me:
"Letmegoandcal
lher
"
Gr
ams:
"No,
she'
l
lcomeoutsi
nceI
'
vecal
l
edher
"
Me:
"Okay
"
Grams:
"Iknowsheshouldhaveaskedf
oryour
permi
ssionfi
rstbutshet
oldmewhathappenedt
o
you"
Me:
"Ohh"
Grams:
"Iam sor
rybabygi
rl
.Don'
tyoumay
bewantt
o
gotoather
apist
?"
Me:
"No.nor
eal
l
yI'
l
lbef
inet
hanky
ou"
Gr
ams:
"Ar
eyousur
e?"
Me: "
Justst
opacti
ngasi fyoucareaboutmeokay,
youdon'tgi
veashit.Nobodycaresaboutme!I
t'
s
eit
heryouwantsomet hi
ngf r
om me"Irai
sedmy
voiceandsnapped

Ii
mmedi at
elyr
egr
ett
edr
aisi
ngmyv
oiceather"
OhhI
am sosorr
y"
Grams:"I
t'sokay,Iwon'
tfor
ceyouify
oudon'twant
togo.It'
supt oyou,butKhensi
youhaveanger
probl
emswhi chIsuggestt
hatyoumustdealwi
th
them beforeyougivebir
th"
Me:
"Iknow"Nt
okozocameout
.

Gr
ams:"
You'
rebusycl
aimi
ngt
haty
ou'
real
esbi
an
whi
ley
oudomakeup"
Her
:"
Mthandazol
eav
emeal
onepl
ease"
Gr
ams:
"Wantt
odr
ive?
"SheaskedNt
okozo
Nt
okozo:
"Sur
e"shej
umpedt
othedr
iverseat
Grams:
"Donotdr
ivel
i
kemadper
son,
youknowy
ou
don'
thavel
i
cence"
Her
:"
Spar
emel
essongr
annyI
'
vegoti
t.
"
Shesear
chedhercl
utchbagandt
ookoutl
i
cence
car
d

Shewhi
stl
ed
I
sn'
tsheol
dfort
his?
Gr
ams:
"Di
dyouf
aket
his?
"
Her
:"
Noofcour
senot
"shequi
ckl
yshutherup.
Gr
ams:
"Cool
"

Wedr
ovei
nsi
l
entunt
ilwear
ri
vedatmapony
amal
l
.

Gr
ams:
"Gi
rl
s,ohhshoul
dIsayboyandmygi
rl
?"
Nt
okozo:
"Mt
handazopl
ease"
Grams:
"Comeon,Iam j
ustj
oki
ngwi
thyou.You'
ll
fi
ndmeatKFCthere'
ssomeoneIwantt
omeet "
Ntokozo:
"Thoughtasmuch,
gogoy
oudon'
tl
iket
o
shopwithmewhy ?
"
Grams:
"Idon'
tl
ikeshoppi
ngit
'st
ir
ingandbesi
de
t
hatIhaveaveryimport
antmeet
ing"
Nt
okozo:
"Okay
,car
dpl
ease"
Grams:"
Ntokozoyouknowwhywecameher e?
R1000forKhensani
'
sclothesandR1000f
oryour
s
andalsobuyhersmartphone.Doyouhav
eyourI
D
withy
ou?"
Nt
okozo:
"Yes,
Ido"
Gr
ams:
"Her
e'st
hepr
oofofr
esi
dence"
Nt
okozo:
"Cool
"
Gr
ams:
"youcanbuyheranymodelshel
ikes,
andcal
l
mewhenyou'
redone.Youknowthepi
n"

Shenoddedaswegotof
fthecar
.

Nt
okozo:
"Wher
eshoul
dweshop?
"
Me:
"It
hinkpoweri
scheap"
Nt
okozo:
"No,
notpowerl
et'
sgot
oMrpr
ice"
Me:
"It
hinkMrpr
icei
sexpensi
vef
ormeNt
okozo"
Nt
okozo:
"I
'l
laddf
ivehundr
edony
ourmoney
"
Me:
"No,
let
'sgot
oMrpr
icet
hen"

Weagreedont
hat.Ibought2dresses,
1jean,3t-
shi
rt
s,1bl
ackl
eggings,sandal
s,pj
sandslipper
s

Ntokozo:
"Doy
ourememberwhenIaskedy
out
hat
doyouwanttomakemoney?"
Me:
"YesIdo"
Ntokozo:
"Okay,t
onighty
ou'
recomi
ngwi
thmet
othe
part
ydon'tfor
get"
Me:
"Okay
,gr
eatI
'
llweart
hatl
eggi
ngI
'
vebought
"
Ntokozo:
"I
'l
ll
endyoumyboot
sandj
acketbecausei
t
i
st oocol
datnight
"
Me:
"Cool
"
Nt
okozo:
"Let
'sgot
oJetandcheckonphones"
Me:"
Ididn'
tev
enknowwhatki
ndoft
hephoneI
want"
Nt
okozo:
"i
Phone6?
Me:
"Hel
lno,whywoul
dIbuyaphonewor
th5000
whi
l
eIdon'thav
eanyt
hingt
ooff
ermyunbor
nbaby?
"
Her
:shecl
ear
edhert
hroat"
Wasj
ustaski
ng"

Iopt
edoutf
orSamsungA2cor
e,Nt
okozoi
susi
ng
Huawei
p30.

Her:
"Let
'sgot
osi
gnat
ure,Iwantt
ocheckmakeup
br
ushesgramsbr
okemine"
Me:
"Why
?"
Her
:"
Youwon'
tbel
i
evemewhenIt
ell
you"
Me:
"Tel
lme"
Her
:"
Shecombinedtwoofmymakeupbr
ushesand
f
uckher
selfwi
ththem"
Me:
Igasped"
Forr
eal
l
y?"
Her:
"Yes,
butIf
indherdoi
ngi
t,she'
stheonewho
t
oldme"
Me:
"Whatdi
dshesay
"
Her:
"Shewasli
ke"Ntoko,
Ikindabrokeyourbr
ushes
whil
eIwaspressur
ingmy sel
fbutdon'
tworryyou'
l
l
gett
henewone"Ilaughed
Me:
"Wow,
she'
snotashamed?
"
Her:
"Mt
handazoashamedofwho?Youdon'
tknow
gr
ams"
Me:
"Butshel
ooksl
i
keshehav
eni
cehear
t"
Her
:"Gr
ams? "Inodded"Don'tl
ietoyour
sel
fjustdon'
t
bet
rayherbecausehell
willbreak"
Me:
"Why
?Isshedanger
ous"
Her
:"Ohhshesaidthatwewil
lmeetheratKFCl
et'
s
hur
ry"shechangedthesubj
ect
.

Wewenttobuynewbrushes,al
somyf acepr
oduct
s
andwentbackhomewit
hgr ams.Iwasbusywit
hmy
newphone, sheboughtme2Gdat a.Idownl
oaded
FacebookbutIusedgugu'
sname.Ionl ywanttot
ry
toreadPreciousMoloi
'
sstor
ies.

Iwasbusyf
it
ti
ngmycl
otheswhenNt
okozocamei
n

Nt
okozo:
"Wowni
cebody
"
Me:
"don'
tgetwr
ongi
deas"
Ntokozo:
"Whome?
"Shepoi
ntedatherchest"don'
t
worry"
Me:"
Well
doesi
tsui
tme?
"IaskedherasIt
urned
ar
ound
Ntokozo:
"Idon'
tknow,getr
eadywehav
etogo.
Becausethepart
yisabouttost
art
"
Me:"
Ther
e'snoneedf
ormetobat
h.ImeanI'
ve
bat
hedwhenwewenttotownsoImightaswel
l
sav
ewater"
Nt
okozo:
"sui
tey
our
sel
f"
Ntokozo:
"her
e'sweart
his"shegav
emebl
ackl
eat
her
j
acketandblackDrMartinboot
s
Me:
"What
'supwi
thbl
ack"
Ntokozo:
"par
tytheme"Iwor
ethem andbr
ushmy
hair
."Let
'sgobefor
egramscomesback"
Me:
"Okay
"

Itookmyphoneandlookedaroundjustt
omake
sureIwasn'
tl
eav
inganythi
ngbehind.

Nt
okozo:
"l
et'
sgoKhensani
"
Me:
"yes"

Wewai
tedatbusst
opabl
ackgusheshepul
l
edov
er.

Thedr
iverwasashor
tgi
rlwi
thdr
eadl
ocks.

Her
:"
Ntokozol
et'
sgo,
we'
rel
ate"
Ntokozo:
"Geti
nthebackkhensani
"Ichuckl
edand
gotinthecar
.

Kush'
eny
iSound
Z'
yawakumnand
K'
khuphuki
Dust
Kant
ingi
w'bani
Ungat
huki
San
Ng'
hambaneZam
OAchuzMacal
a
Ugad'
iVurVai
I
ntsi
mbi
nay
'yasho
Ni
busyngeybhamu
Sv
ithi
z'i
par
ty
Kdabuki
sound
IV.
I.
Pyani
?S'
j
aiv
anabant
u
Skhi
ph'
amaj
azi
,uy
alazudaba
[
Hook]
Si
zengeVurVai
Si
zenge,
sizenge
Si
zengeVurv
ai
Si
zenge,
sizenge
Si
zengeVurv
ai
Ugadi
,Ugadi
Ugadi
iVurVai
Ngobasi
zenge,
sizenge
Si
zengeVurVai
[
Ver
se:
1]
AwZam t
eddedde
Yahezam nazi
laeBi
l
idi
ni
Ungawor
rymannxai
iBi
l
lyi
ni?
Yeynay
indi
ngi
l
iza
Jai
vakant
iyi
ni
S'
hambanabomam t
iki
l
ishi
Abot
hal
alacan'
tbel
i
evei
t
Uy
aphuphami
nai
am ki
l
li
ngi
t
Can'
twal
kinmyshoes
Mi
nael
am i
Tekki
eli
sha
Awkanti
Nkant
inaay
ishi
Mas'
sukal
asy
enkambi
nangi
th?
Si
zobamaTasaTasa
Ksasasy
aphi
ndaangi
th
[
Pre-
Hook]
Kush'
eny
iSound
Z'
yawakumnand
K'
khuphuki
Dust
Kant
ingi
w'bani
Ungat
huki
San
Ng'
hambaneZam
OAchuzMacal
a
Ugad'
iVurVai
I
ntsi
mbi
nay
'yasho
Ni
busyngeybhamu
Sv
ithi
z'i
par
ty
Kdabuki
sound
IV.
I.
Pyani
?S'
j
aiv
anabant
u
Skhi
ph'
amaj
azi
,uy
alazudaba
[
Hook]
Si
zengeVurVai
Si
zenge,
sizenge
Si
zengeVurv
ai
Si
zenge,
sizenge
Si
zengeVurv
ai
Ugadi
,Ugadi
Ugadi
iVurVai
Ngobasi
zenge,
sizenge
Si
zengeVurVai
Thesongwaspl
ayi
ngi
nthecar
.

Wearri
vedinthemiddl
eofthebushes,t
hecart
ook
ashotl
eftandtur
ned,Westoppedinfr
ontofwhat
l
ookedli
keanabondenedshack, memori
esofhome
camebacklikeal
ight
ningbutIdeci
dedtobl
ock
them.

Nt
okozo:
"Wear
eher
e"
Me:"
Ist
hiswheret
hepar
tyi
shappeni
ng?
"Iaskedas
Il
ookedaround
Ntokozo:"
No,Ihadt
olietobringyouher
e.Doyou
r
ememberwheny ousaidthatyouwanttomake
money ?Inodded
Nt
okozo:
"We'
regoi
ngt
obombabank"
Me:
"What
?"IaskedasIf
eltmyt
hroatbecomi
ngdr
y.

Tobecont
inued
HERSTRUGGLE

Chapt
er19

#Khensani

Il
ookedatherwit
hapuzzl
edface,
Ithoughtmay
be
shewasgoingtosayt
hatshewasjoki
ng.
"
Ntokozo"Isai
d..
Her:
"Yousai
dy ouwantmoney
,Iam of
fer
ingy
oui
tin
si
lv
erplast
er"
Me:
"Bymaki
ngmest
eal
?"
Her:
"I
'm notmaki
ngy oust
eal
.Youwantmoney
,I
'm
of
feri
ngy oumorethanwhatyouar
easki
ngfor
"
Me:"
Idon'
tknowhowtouseagun.Secondl
yIam
pr
egnantpl
easet
akemebackhome"
Thegi
rlt
hatwecamewi
th:
"Nt
okozol
etmer
etur
n
her
"
Her:"
Nokhensani
isnotgoi
ngany
where,
she'
sgoi
ng
tohelpusbombthatATM.Shewant
smoney,we'
l
l
giv
eher"
Me:"Youthinkt hat'
seasy ?Wakeupsi sthisisnot
somesor toff air
ytale.Thisisnotuzal
oy ou'l
lbe
caught,y
ou'llgot ojailasforme"Isaidpointi
ngat
mychest"Not hanky ou,ify
oudon'twantt otake
mebackhomeI '
l
lwal k"Iatt
emptedtogobutshe
grabbedmyhand
Nt
okozo:
"Ther
ear
ewi
l
dani
mal
s"
Me:"
Theymi
ghtaswel
lfeastonme"Iy
ankedmy
ar
m off
Nt
okozo:
"Okaywai
tkhensani
I'
ll
takey
ouhome"
Me:
"Good!
"
Ntokozo:
"Ref
fpassthekey
splease"het
hrewt
he
keysathershecaughtt
hem "
Let'
sgo"
Me:
"Thanky
ou"

Wegoti
nthecar
.Shest
art
edt
heengi
ne
Ntokozo:
"You'
ret
urni
ngagr
eatmoneyaway
khensani
"
Me:"
Nt okozowhydon'
tyouunder
standwhenIt
ell
youthatIdon'
twanttodoit
?"
Ntokozo:
"You'
dbuya5r oomedhouse,i
magine
havi
ngani cebeaut
if
ulnur
ser
yinyourhouse"
Me:"
Ntokozo,Idon'twanttogot
ojai
l.I
'dr
atherst
ay
i
nthestreett
hanbei ngtor
tur
edatj
ailf
ormoneythat
Idi
dn'
twor khardfor"
Ntokozo:"
Soy ouratherhaveyourbabywithout
money ?Doy outhi
nkgr antmoneywi l
lcov
erall your
expenses?Wakeupsi sgramsisnotgoingt otake
careofyoufortherestofherlif
e.Orletmesayt hat
shewakeupdead.Wher ewil
lyougo?You'relucky
shedoesn'thavekids"Igasped,sogramsdoesn' t
haveasinglekid?Nowondershet ookmei n.
Her
:"Youdidn'
tabort
,itmeansyouwantt
hisbaby
.
Doyouwantupbr inghim/heri
nthi
sworl
dwhileyou
hav
enot hi
ng?"
Ishookmyheadno
Her
:"
Don'
tyouwantwhat
'sbestf
ori
t?"
Me:
"Ido"
Her:
"Thenlet
'sdot
his.I
t'
safewmi
nut
est
hing.I
n
andoutjobthenwe'
llberi
ch'
'
Me:"Areyousur
ethatwewon'tgetcaught
?Nt
okozo
Ican'taf
for
dtohavecri
minal
record"
Nt
okozo:
"Wewon'
tgetcaught
.Shoul
dIt
urnback?

IthoughtaboutwhatNt okozosaid,i
sitworthgoing
tojail
butI '
dgetaperfectmoneyt obuyahousef or
mybaby .YesI
'vefi
nall
yaccepteditthatIam
pregnant.WhatifIgetshotandlosemybaby ?NoI
can'tri
skitbutevenwhenIgo.Thepossi bi
l
iti
esof
notgetti
ngshotar ethere.

Me:
"SowhatdoIhav
etodo?
"
Her
:"
you'
l
lbeonal
ookout
"
Me:
"Youmeant
hatI
'
llbel
efti
nthecar
?"
Her
:"
No,you'
l
lgetqoffandst
andbythecor
nerso
t
hatyoucanseewethersomeonei
scomingornot"
Me:
"I
sitt
oor
isky
?"
Her:
"I
tisIdon'
twanttoli
e,becausewhenpol
i
ce
comey ou'
l
lbethefi
rstper
sont hey
'l
lsee"
Me:
"No,
thanky
ouI
'
llmakeapl
anal
ongt
heway
"
Her:
"Okay
,cooll
etmedr
opy
ouof
f.Pl
easedon'
ttel
l
gr
amsaboutt hi
s"
Me:"
Ohhsoshedoesn'
tknowabouty
ourShaddy
deal
i
ngs?
"
Her
:"
Justdon'
ttel
lher
"

Ikeptqui
teasshedr
ovemebackhome.

Igotoffbeforeshespedoff.Ipacedupanddown.
Thedeal wasgreatshouldIcall
Nt okozotocome
backforme?Buti twouldbelikeIam taking
advant
ageofherki ndness,
whati fshegetsshhot
whipeonmi ssi
on?Idon'twanthert ogethurt
,she'
s
beenshowi
ngmenot
hingbutl
ovesi
nceIgother
e.

Grams:
"It
houghtsomeonebr
okei
n"shest
art
ledme.
It
urnedandfacedher
Me:
"NoMa.I
tsmeIwant
edt
odr
inkwat
er"
Gr
ams:
"Mm okay
,wher
e'sNt
okozo?
"
Me:
"Shedi
dn'
ttel
lmewher
eshe'
sgoi
ng"
Gr
ams:
"Ar
eyousur
e?"
Me:
"yesGogoIam"
Grams:"
Okay,y
oucancont i
nuepaci
ngupanddown"
shetookabowl ofpopcor
nsandsett
ledi
nthe
couch."
Don'
tyouwantmay bet
owatchamovie?I
t
caneaseyourstress"Whotol
dhert
hatIam
str
essed?
Me:
"NahI
'
llpasst
hanky
ou"

Itookabott
leofwat erandwenttoourroom,bloody
shitt
heoutf
it
!!Iam sureshesawi t
.Hellwi
l
lbreak
l
oset omor
row.IsnappedoutifitasItakemyphone
andstart
edtor eadNongcebo.I
tagreatbookImust
say.Isl
eptaround2becauseofiti
fsomet i
mesfi
nd
my sel
fcry
ingthroughoutt
hereadi
ng.Hopethi
s
becomesmyt herapy

_
___
___
___
_

Wheni wokeupnextmorning,Ntokozowasnotnext
tome.Didshecomebacky esterday?That
'sthe
questi
onthatr
aninmymi nd,Igotoffthebedand
checkedonherthewhol
ehouse.

Gr
ams:"
Andtheny
ou?Whyareyour
unningli
kea
madper
son?Doyouwantt
otri
pandfal
l
? "
Me:"
Gogo,wher
e'sNtokozo?It
hinkshedi
dn'
tcome
backl
astni
ghtI
..
.."
Gr
ams:
"Woawy
ou'
ret
alki
ngf
astIcan'
theary
ou"
Me:
Ibr
eat
hedout"
wher
e'snt
okozo?
"
Gr
ams:
"OhhIsenthert
ogoandgetf
loursot
hatwe
canbakef
atcakes"
Me:"Ohh"Ical
meddown."
Ithoughtsomet
hingbad
happenedtoher"
Grams: "
Whywouldsomethi
ngbadhappenather
girl
fr
iendpl
ace?Sheasked,
Igotthehintt
hatmaybe
sheliedandsai
dthatshewasathergirl
fr
iend'
s
place"Youknowiti
snotsafeoutther
e"
Gr
ams:
"Okay
"

Ismi l
edandt urnedt ot her oom.Iwasr ubbingmy
eyeswhenIt r
ippedonsomet hing.Ipushedt hebag
withmyl egandl ookedati t.Itwasabl ackspor tbag.
Iopenedi tandf oundt heshockofmyl ife,I'
venev er
seent hi
skindofmoneyi nmywhol elif
e.Thebag
wasf ullwit
htwohundr ednot esandhundr edr and
notes.Sot hisist hemoneyt hey'
vestoley esterday?
May beifItakeaf ewbucksf r
om ittooshewoul dn't
noti
ce.Buty oudon' tsteal from thehandt hatgi ves
that'
swhatmom usedt ot ellmewhengr owi ngup,
event houghshef ai
ledt opr otectmef r
om t hatsatan
shecal l
sahusband.ButIdon' tthi
nkshe' dnot i
ce
thatI
'
vetakenf
ewbucks.Ibentdownandt ook3
bundl
esoftwohundredrands.Ipl
acedthem i
nmy
gown.Ipeakedfi
rstbef
oreIcouldpassbythe
l
ounge.Gogowassof ocusedontheTVIam sure
shedidn'
tseeme.

Imarchedtothebackoffthetoil
et.Idugasmall
hol
eandplacedthemoneyt here.They'l
lhav
eto
for
givemeforsteal
ingfr
om them.Agi rlgot
tado
whatagirl
gottadoieli
vi
ng.Itookast oneandputi
t
ontop.

Nt
okozo:
"Whatar
eyoudoi
ngher
e?"If
roze
Me:"
Ohhy ou'r
eback"IaskedasIst
oodupanddust
myselfNtokozo:
"Whatareyoudoi
ngatt
hebackif
t
hetoilet
?"
Me:"
Ohhumm mor
ningsi
ckness.YesIwas
vomit
ing"
Nt
okozo:
"Butt
her
e'snopuket
her
e"
Me:
"Nt
okozowhat
'supwi
thendl
essquest
ions?
"
Nt
okozo:
"Yhoo,
Iwasj
ustbei
ngcur
ious"
Me:
"Wel
lcur
iousi
tyki
l
ledacat
"
Ntokozo:
"Let
'sgoi
nsi
de,
andgoandbr
ushy
our
t
eeth"
Me:
"Forwhat
?"
Nt
okozo:
"Wer
en'
tyoupuki
ng?
"
Me:
"Ohhy
es"

Inoddedassheshookherhead.Iwentt obr ushmy

teethjusttomakehernottosuspectanyt
hingI
retur
nedt othekit
chenandfoundthem t
alki
ngbut
theyimmedi at
elystoppedwhentheysawme.

Me:
"Idon'
tbi
tey
oucancar
ryon"Ismi
l
ed
Gr
ams:"
Nolet
'sl
eaveit
,SoIam goi
ngt
oshowy
ou
gi
rl
showtobakefat
cakes"
Ntokozo:
"Gr
amsIt
houghtwewer
ebaki
ngscones
t
oday "
Grams:"
Nope,
Iwantkhensanit
otastemyf
atcakes.
SoIneedyoutobefastwhenIsaygoandgetwhat
whatformeyougoandtakeitri
ght
?"
Me:
"Okay
"
Grams:"SoIam goi
ngtoneed470ml War m Water
5g,
I
nstantYeast
,3TeaspoonsofSugar,1/2Teaspoon
ofSalt
,4CupsCakeFlourandOil
,forfr
ying"
Me:
"Okayl
etmeboi
lwat
er"
Grams:"
Cool
,asforNt
okozogetmetheotherstuf
f"
shetookabeeri
nthefr
idgeandsi
ppedonit."
Today
I'
l
lbewatchi
ngyoubaki
ng"
Nt
okozo:
"ButGr
ams"
Grams:
"NoNtokozoy
ou'regoingtodoitt
oday,y
ou
t
eachKhensi
howt obake,l
ikeI'
vedonewithy
ou!"

IlaughedasIpouredwateri
nthecat
tle,
I'
v eboi
ledi
t
for3mi nandtur
nedofft
hecattl
e.Al
soNt okozohas
putev er
ythi
ngthatwehadtouseonthetable.
Grams:"
Okay,soKhensani
Combi
nethewater,
sugar
andyeastandleti
tst
andfor5mi
nut
es."Idi
dasshe
askedme
Me:
"I
sitcor
rect
?"IaskedasIst
ir
red
Grams:
"Yes,
leavei
t"Iam gl
adthatIhadsomeoneto
t
eachmehowt obake,somet
hingthatmom f
ail
ed
t
odo
Grams:
"Ntokozoaddt
hef
lourandsal
tint
hebowl
andsti
r.
Ntokozo:
"That
'seasy
"shest
ir
redi
tusi
ngawood
spoon
Grams:"KhensanicanIpl easeseeyourmi xture?"I
showedherwhatI '
vemi xedinthebowl "Right,add
i
ny ourwat erandyeastmi xtur
e,i
nNt okozo'sand
mixthem togetheruntili
tbecomesadough.Af ter
thatt
urnouty ourdoughont oafl
ouredsur f
ace."
Wowshe' sagr eatteacherImustsay .Ntokozohas
beenlookingatmewhi l
esmi l
i
ng.Weirdright?I
know
Grams:
"St
opthestar
ingNt
okozoandKneadt
he
doughunt
ilsmoot
h.'
Nt
okozo:
"Iwasn'
tgr
ams"
Me:
"She'
snotl
yi
ngy
ouwer
e"
Nt
okozo:
"okayIam sor
ryt
hen"shesai
dhi
tt
ingme
wi
thadough"
Me:
"Nt
okozo,
stop"Ial
sor
etur
nedi
t
Grams:"
Girl
sst
op"shesippedonherbeer"Put
doughintoagr
easedbowl andcoverwi
thplast
ic
wrap.
"Itookawrapperandwrappedthebowl.
Gr
ams:
"Andt
henwewi
l
lwai
tfor1hour
"
Me:
"Why1hour
?"
Grams:"
You'r
esomet
imesdom Nt
okozo.Wehav
eto
waitf
oritr
ise"

Wewentt
owatch1hourmov
ie,
aft
eri
tfi
nishedwe
r
etur
nedt
otheki
tchen.

Gr
ams:"putyouroilonthestov
etowar
m up.
"It
ook
apanandplaceditonthestove
Gr
ams:"Rolloutdoughunti
labout10mm thi
ck.Use
aroundcookiecut
tert
ocutoutdough."Weuseda
pi
zzasli
certocutdoughint
orectangl
es)
.
Grams:"Fryinoi
l(nottoohot
,orel
sethemiddl
e
won'tcook)unti
lgoldenonbothsi
des.Ser
vewit
h
desi
redfil
li
ngs"

Thev
etkoekscameoutper
fect
ly.

Wear
ehav
ingt
hem wi
tht
ea!

Wi
l
lst
artpost
ing2i
nser
tsTomor
row!

Lov
eadmi
n
HERSTRUGGLE

Chapt
er20

#Khensani

_
___
___
___

Fewday
slat
er.

Gramsaskedust ogoandgi v
eNt okozo'
smom
sconest hatshebakedy est
erday.WhatI'
venoti
ced
i
st hatshelovesbakingwi t
hallofherheart
.
Ntokozohasbeensul ki
ngsay i
ngshedoesn'twant
togot here.
Idi
dn'
tunder
standwhyr
eal
l
y.

Nt
okozo:
"Ir
eal
l
ydon'
tunder
standwhydoesi
thav
e
t
obeme?
"
Me:
"I
sitt
hatf
ar?
"
Ntokozo:
"Yes,
atMidr
and?Noi
t'
stoof
ary
ouhav
eto
getin4taxi
sthat
'st
ir
ing"
Grams:
"You'
l
ltakeanapwhenyougett
her
eand
comebackwheny ou'
ver
est
ed"
Ntokozo:
"WhydoIsensel
i
key
ou'
ret
ryi
ngt
ogetr
id
ofus?"
Grams:
"WhydoIgetaf
eel
i
ngy
oudon'
twannasee
yourmom?"
Ntokozo:
"Idowannaseeher
.I'
mjustt
ir
edofher
j
udgments"
Gr
ams:"Shei
syourmot
her
,sheobv
iousl
ywant
s
what
'sbestf
oryou"
Nt
okozo:
"Mmm"shekeptqui
te
Me:"
Letmegoandt
akemyphonesot
hatwecan
go"
Nt
okozi
:
"Cool
,you'
l
lfi
ndmeher
e"
#Khumbul
ani
.

_
___
___
___
___

SinceKhensani leftthishouse,I
'vebeenseeing
weirdt hings,I
'vebeenseei ngtwowei rdoldwomen
i
nt hepassage.It hinkKhensani bewit
chedme.
Coul dn'tshejustgeti tover?She'snotthefir
stgi
rlt
o
ber aped, Iwasal sot emptedherbodyscr eamed
rape.
Icoul
dn'
thol
dmysel
fanyl
onger.
.

Amanda:
"Boyboy
,Iam home"sheshout
ed.
Iwasi
nmybedr
oom.
Ihuff
edinfr
ust
rati
on"Iam notaboyAmanda"Isai
d
toherasshewalkedi
nmyr oom.
Her:"
you'remyboy,what'
sup?You'r
estil
lseei
ng
them? "Sheasked,y
esItol
dherIcouldn'
tgocrazy
alone.Eventhoughshedoesn'
tseethem
Me:"
Amandathey'r
ealwaysthere,evenwhenIgoto
mallorsomet
hingiseethem i
nt hebackseat
"she
l
aughed
Her
:"
Whatdi
dyoudo?
"
Me:
"Not
hingIdi
dn'
tdoany
thi
ng"
Her
:"
You'
rel
yi
ngr
ightnow.Whatdi
dyoudo?
"
Me:
"Okay,okayImi
stakenl
ysl
eptwi
thher
.Itwasa
mi
stake"
Her
:"
Yousl
eptwi
tht
heol
dwomen?
"
Me:
"No,
Khensani
.ther
eyouhav
eit
"
Her :
"What !
!Khumbul ani areyousick?"Sheshout ed
"Ithoughtwewer ewaypastt hatstage!!!Iknow
there'snosucht hingasmi stakenl
ysleepi ngwith
someonei ny ourlife!!!Shewast el
li
ngt het r
uth,you
rapedher ,justli
key ouhav edonewi t
ht het hepoor
gir
l yearsago! !
!Ithoughtj ail
changedy ou
Khumbul ani.It
houghtf oroncesomeonewoul dbe
wrongaboutheral legat ionstowardsy ou! !"

Ikeptqui
et
Shet
ri
edt
ocal
m her
sel
fdown.
Her
:"
Sot
hechi
l
dshe'
scar
ryi
ngi
syour
s?"
Me:
"It
hinkso.
."
Her
:"
Andy
ouj
ustl
ethergoj
ustl
i
ket
hat
?"

Her:
"Thatchil
dshe'
scarr
yingwasgoingt
ohel pus
khumbulani
!!Whyareyousuchafool?Whatifitwas
aboy?Dadwasgoi ngtogiveyoual
lhisr
ichness"
Me:
"Ihav
eacr
imi
nal
recor
d!!
"
Her:
"Youknowwhatt
hist
ime?Iam notgoi
ngt
ohel
p
you.notnow"
Me:"
Amandapl
ease!Amanda"shekepti
nwal
ki
ng
away."
Dammit
"

_
___
___
___
___

Gugu'
smom
Iwasbusysweepi ngthey ar
dwhent wopoli
ceVan's
approachedmyy ard.Alsowitht
hesocialworker
s
car.It
hrewthebr ookdownasIt houghtofwhatto
do.That'
sittheyar etakingmychildawayfrom me!
Theyallgotoffthecar sandcamet owhereIwas
standi
ng.
Isi
ghed.

Of
fi
cer1:
"GoodMor
ning"
Me:"
Goodmor
ningsi
r,l
etmegoandagetchai
rsf
or
you"
Off
icer2:
,
Noit'
sfi
neMa.We'
rej
usther
eregar
ding
Gugu'si
ssue"
Me:
"Ohhokay
"
Offi
cer1:"Mamapl easedon'tfi
ghtusokay .We've
madeadeci sionasal awandsoci alworkerstotake
Gugu,oncey ou'
vef i
xedyourlif
ey ou'
l
lgether.We
aredoingthi
sbecausewer eceivedacallthatGugu
goestoschool wi
thdi r
tyuniform,shealsoburnther
handwhi chyoudidn'tbot
hert otakehertohospital
"
Me:
"Ohhokay
"
Sonto:
"Umm cany
oupl
easesi
gnher
ethaty
ouagr
ee
wit
hus"
Me:Il
ookedatt
hepol
i
cet
heynodded.It
ookapen
andsi
gned.
Ther
ewasnof
ight
ingt
hem.
Notespeci
all
ywiththepoli
cei
nvolv
ed"
Ther
eyou
havei
t"Idi
dn'twanttofi
ghtwi
thlaw
Sipho:
"Thanky
ouma,
dowet
akehert
oday
"he
askedSonto
Sont
o:"
Yes"

Me:
"Gugu,
Gugu.Shoul
dIpackhercl
othes?
"
Sont
o:"
No,
justgi
veusheri
mpor
tantdocument
s"
Me:
"Okay
"

Ihumbl
edmy
sel
fandwenti
nsi
det
heshack.
Me:"Mychi
ld,y
ou'l
lbegoi
ngawayforawhil
eokay
"I
kneel
edinf
rontofher
,andhel
dherhands
Gugu:
"Don'tcr
ymama,
I'
ll
bebackj
ustpr
omi
set
hat
you'
l
lleav
edad"
Me:"
Ican'
tbabygi
rl
.Butmomywi
l
lgetaj
obandr
ent
ahouseokay.
"
Gugu: "
Iwil
lnotcomebackandleavewit
hJohnjust
forgetaboutmecomi ngbackher
e"shestoodup
andwentout si
de,Ial
sostoodupandwipedmy
tears.Isni
ff
edandpul l
edupandmattr
essandtook
outherdocument s.

Me:"
Her
e"Icoul
dbarel
ylookatGugu.Shewasbusy
t
alki
ngt
otheotherpol
i
ce.
Sont
o:"
Thanky
oumom, oncey
ou'vegot
tenbet
ter
you'
l
lcometotheof
fi
cial,
wewill
havetoinv
esti
gat
e
youokay?
"
Me:"
Umm okay"sheturnedandwalkedbackt ot
he
car
.Fir
stt
imeseeingmygi r
lbeingj
oll
y.Isatdown
andcri
ed!
!I'
l
lneverf
orgiveJohnfort
his,hecame
backt
ohospi
tall
astweek.Ihav
etowor
kon
bri
ngi
nghi
m down!!Hefool
edme.

_
___
___
___
_

Khensani

Wearr
ivedatMidrand,mysoulwasdownIdon' t
knowwhy?May beit'
sbecauseofwhathappenedto
meinthi
splace.

Nt
okozo:
"Andwe'
reher
e"
shesai
dopeni
ngt
hedoor
Wef oundawomanwhom It
hinki
t'
samai d,
becauseshewaswear
ingmai
dunifor
m andbusy
pushingasof
a
Ntokozo:
"Mamay
ou'
l
lhur
tyour
sel
f"shet
urnedand
l
ookedatus
Her:
"Mychi
l
dyoucame"shesai
d.Ther
ewas
somethi
ngi
nherey
es.Happi
ness
"It
houghtyou'
dneversety
ourfoother
e.Iam so
sorr
yforjudgi
ngyouwheny out
oldmeabouty our
sexual
it
y"
Nt
okozo:
"Nomom,
that
'sal
li
nthepast
"
Her
:"
Iam sosor
rymybaby
,soi
sthi
syourgi
rl
f
ri
end?"
Ntokozo:
"No,
shel
i
veswi
thusatSowet
o.Hername
i
sKhensani"
Her:
"Isee,heyNana"shewashumbl
e.Ver
yhumble.
.
Icoul
dt el
lNtokozoi
nheri
tedt
hehumbl
enessf
rom
hermom
Ntokozo:
"Mom,weain'
tst
ayi
ng.Idon'
twantt
o
angeryourr
asi
ctboss"
Her
:"
It
'sokaybaby,I
'l
lcomebackhomesi
ncet
her
e'l
l
bef
ami l
ygather
ing"
Ntokozo:
"Okay
,that
'
sbet
ter
"shehuggedhermom.I
al
sohuggedher .
Wewentout
.

Me:
"It
houghtt
hat
sherhouse"
Ntokozo:
"wher
ewill
mom getthathouse,wi
thout
matri
c"Il
aughed.Whyam Il
aughing?Ial
sodon't
havematri
c.
Me:
"Di
dyouhav
etosayt
hat
"
Ntokozo:
"Yes,
letmesleep"wewer
eint
het
axi
."Ber
handrubbedmyt hi
ghs.

I
sNt okozohavi
ngsexuall
yatt
ract
edtome?Iam not
alesbi
an,I'
veneverhadanynormalsexi
nmyli
fe.I
t
hasbeenalwaysar apeaf
terr
ape!

Wear
ri
vedathome.Gr
amswasnoti
nthehouse

Me:"
ThewayIam sohungr
yIcanev
eneatacow"I
j
oked
Her
:"
Wel
lgoandmakef
oodasf
orme,
Iam goi
ngt
o
wat
chamovi
e"
Me:
"okay
."

Imadet ea.Tohav eitwithscone.Af t

erIeati
ngI
settl
edont hebedandr eadstories.SinceI'
ve
start
edr eadingthest or
iesI'
dfi
ndmy selfwetonmy
panties.Iwasr eadingthesetupt loftl
ofwhenall
of
thishappened.Iam goi ngtoaskNt okozoaboutt
his,
Isaidget t
ingoutoft hebedandwal kedtothe
l
oungeIgott heshockofmyl if
e!

Me:"
WHATTHEHELLAREYOUDOI NGNTOKOZO?
"
Shealsoj
umpedi
nshockbutt
ri
edr
eal
l
yhadto
composeher
sel
f
Ntokozo:"What ?Youar
est rai
ghtri
ght
?Soi tshoul
d
notaffectyou!"Shesai
dcool y.Assheclosedher
l
egs,wel lIfoundherwatchingpornwhil
e
masturbat i
ngthisgi
rl
!Isighedandwentt osatby
herside.
Thegi r
lsinthepornwerenakedwit
htheirboobs
j
iggli
ng.Itmademypant iesmorewet.Thenoneof
thegirl
spinnedtheotherdownonthebedand
start
edt oeatherouthungri
l
y.Thei
rmoanswer e
turni
ngmeon.

Nt
okozo

Il
ookedtowar
dsKhensaniandsawthatherey
es
werefi
xedontheTVasshewassqueezingherlegs.
Ismir
kedknowingt
hepornhadtur
nedheron.
Sl
owl
yIsli
ppedmyhanddownherthi
gh.She
j
umpedsli
ght
lywhenshef
eltmyt
ouch.Iletouta
smal
ll
augh.
Me:
"Doyouneedsomehel
p?"Iaskedher
,asIr
an
myhandhert
highs,
Shej
ustst
aredatmesoItook
t
hatasayes.
Slowl
yIleanedfor
wardandki
ssedhergentl
y.She
al
mosti mmidi
atel
yki
ssedmeback.(Iknewthati
t'
s
herfi
rstki
sswit
houtbei
ngfor
ced.
)Remov ed.
..
..
..
HERSTRUGGLE

Chapt
er21

#Khensani
_
___
___
___
__

WhatdidIjustdo?WasIt hattoodesparat
e?What
wedidwasnotr ightatall
, howwi l
lIl
ookatNtokozo
knowingwhatwej ustdidwaswr ong.Iam not
l
esbianthat
'sit
.Itookat owel andwenttobath,I
wantedtogetridofthesmel l
.WhileIwasbathi
ng
Ntokozogotin.

Nt
okozo:
"Iam sor
ry"
Me:"
NtokozoIknowyou'
vesawmenakedbut
pl
easeknockbefor
eyouenter
"
Nt
okozo:
"Iam sor
ry,
Ishoul
dn'
thav
eledy
ouon"
Me:"
Noy oudi
dn'
t,
wewer
ebot
hsexual
hungr
ythat
endsther
e"
Ntokozo:
"Iki
ndahavefeel
i
ngsf
ory
ou"Iwant
edt
o
l
aughbutIheldmy sel
f
Me:"Idon'
tdogir
ls,
I'
veneverdat
edbeforeso
pl
ease.YouknowItookyouasasi st
erthatI
'
ve
neverhadItol
dyoumypain"
Nt
okozo:
"Thatdoesn'
tchangeany
thi
ngKhensani
"
Me:"
Itdoesntokozo.Ican'
tev
enl
ookaty
oui
nyour
ey
es.Cany oupleaseexcuseme"
Ntokozo:
"Doy
ouknowt
hatIcant
ell
Gramst
oki
ck
youout?"
Ist
oodt
her
eshocked,Ilookedatherinhereyes.
Ther
ewasnot
hingwri
ttenotherthanevi
lness
Me:
"Ar
eyouf
orci
ngmet
odat
ewi
thy
ou?
"
Ntokozo:
"Nah,
wasj
ustr
emi
ndi
ngy
out
hatIcando
j
ustthat"
Me:"Okay,
fineyoucangoandt
ell
her.I
'
llf
indaway
toli
ved,I
'
vel i
vedmyli
fewi
thnoonebefor
e,itwon'
t
star
tnow!"
Ntokozo:"
Youthink10thousandthaty
oust ol
ewill
solv
eev ery
thi
ng?That'
snotEnoughmoneysi s"How
di
dshef indout?Whothehelltol
dherthatIstol
eher
money ?
Istol
eitdaysagobitIcoul
dn'thelpmysel
fany
l
onger.Iwassot emptedwit
ht hemoneyinthebag
thatIf
igur
edsteali
ngitwouldhelp..
Me:
"Idi
dn'
tst
eal
anymoney
"
Ntokozo:
"Youknowwhatyoudidi
nyourhear
t,
anywayconti
nuewit
hyourshower
"shelef
tme
whist
li
ng.

Isshefor
cingmet odat eher?Whyam Ieven
supri
sedther
e'snothingforfreet
hesedays.Iam
ti
redofpeoplethi
nkingthey'
reowningmylife.
EnoughisenoughIam put ti
ngstoptothi
s!

Idr
iedmysel
fandwenttogetdr
essed.Thehouse
wasbori
ng,wor
seI'
vefoughtwi
thNtokozo.
#Gugu'
smom

Todayit'stheday,Idon'thav
eadaughterbecauseof
him.Iam put t
inganendt othisImi
ghtaswellgoto
j
ail,t
here'snothi
ngleftformehereIdon'
thavea
familybecauseofhim.Bot hofmydaughtersarenot
l
ivi
ngwi thme, Iwasblindedbyhisl
ove.Thi
sisnot
l
ov e.

See,af
terlosi
ngKhensani
'sfather
,Johnwasthere
forus.Hewast hebestIcouldeveraskf
or.Poty
everyt
hingchangedinabli
nkofaney e.
I
tist
ruewhattheysay,
thatsomemenaretoogood
t
obet r
ue.Johnwastoogoodt obet
rue.

Ist
oodupfrom thechai
rthatIwassitti
ngon,Iam
goi
ngtoVelba'
shousetoapologize.Iam goi
ngto
apol
ogi
zeforwhatIdidtoherwaspur emadness.

Iknocked,
sheopenedt
hedoor
,shewassur
pri
sed
t
oseeme.
"Sawubonasi
s"shejustst
oodt
her
eandwi
thher
handsonherwaist
"Iwon'ttaket
oomuchofy
ourt i
mely
,Ij
ustwantto
apologiseIdi
dyouwr
ong,Ishoul
dn'
thaver
aisedmy
hand"
Vel
ba:
"I
sthi
ssomeki
ndofaj
oke?
"Sheaskedst
il
l
cal
m
Me:"
No,Iam sosor
ryyou'
vebeennothingbutani
ce
nei
ghbourt
omeandf orthatIam gr
ateful
"
Vel
ba:
"You'
rel
uckyIdi
dn'
topenanasul
tcase"
Me:"Andthanky oufort
hat,
pleasef
orgi
vemesis,
I'
ll
goknowingt hatyou'
vefor
gave"sherai
sedher
eyebrows
Her
:"
Go?Wher
ear
eyougoi
ng"
Me:
"Ican'
ttel
lyouthat
,butIalsowantedt
osay
t
hankyouforbeingthebestneighbour
"
Velba:"
Wherear
eyougoi
ng?Ar
eyougoi
ngt
oki
l
l
yoursel
f?"
Me:
"Ij
ustneedy
out
okeept
hissaf
eforme"
I
twasmybag,
ithadaf
ewofmyi
mpor
tantneeds.
Her
:"
Arey
ougoi
ngt
oki
l
lyour
sel
f?"
Me:"
Somet
hingli
kethat
,butl
et'
snotmi
ndme.
Thanky
ou"Itur
nedandwalkaway
Vel
ba:
"Si
s,wai
t"shecamet
owher
eIwasst
andi
ng
Velba:
"Look,youcansti
llworkonbuilding
rel
ati
onshipwithyourchil
dren.I
t'
snott oolatesis,
askforforgi
venesstoyourkidsandbet her
ef or
them.Kill
i
ngy our
selfwil
lmaket hem hateyoumor e"
Me:"I
t'
stoolat
e,Vel
batheytookGuguawayf
rom me.
Idontevenknowwhereiskhensani
"
Velba:
"Shei
swhereshe'
sworki
ng.Star
tbyt
her
e
searchfory
ourchi
l
d,sheneedsyou"
Me:
"Thanky
ou"

Ir
etur
nedhomeandt
odaymyl
astmoneyt
hatIhad.
John:
"Wher
ear
eyougoi
ng?Who'
sgoi
ngt
odi
shme
upfood?
"
Me:
"Youhav
ehands,
uset
hem t
odi
shup"
John:
"Ar
eyout
alki
ngt
omel
i
ket
hat
?"
Me:"
JohnIam t
ir
edj
ustl
eav
eal
one"hegr
abbedmy
ar
m
John:
"Iam aski
ngy
ouaquest
ion"
Me:"
NobabaIdi
dn'
tmeanto"heleti
tgo.He'
snot
dr
unktoday
.Hewoul
dhavekickedmyass.

Itookhousekeyswit
houthim not
ici
ng,
Ilockedt
he
dooroutsi
de.Iwal
kedtothegarageandbought2
l
it
r epet
rolal
ongwit
hmat ches.

Imarchedbackhome,theshackhavebacladoor.So
hewon'tbeabl
etoescape.Todayhe'sdyi
ngnoone
i
sgoingtostopMe!WhenIar r
ivedathomeIf ound
hi
m busyshouti
ngforsomeonet oopenf
orhi m.
Hi
m:"
hey,y
oust
upi
dwomanwhydi
dyoul
ockmei
n
t
hehouse?
"
Me:"
Ohhnowy ouwantt
hesamest
upi
dwomant
o
openfory
ou"
Him:"
Hermhanakhensani ,what
'swrongwit
h
you(khensani'
smom)ar eyoucrazy
?"Hewas
shouti
ngattract
ingpeopl
ewhower epassi
ngby
.
Me:"ohhIam cr
azy?TodayIam goi
ngtoshowyou
howcr azyIam"Ist
art
edtopourthepat
rolar
ound
thehouse
Hi
m: "
Whatar
eyoutryi
ngt odo?Heasked,real
i
ty
cr
eepedinwhenhesawt hatIwasholdi
nga
matches"
Whatthehel
l,areyoutr
yingtoburnme?"
Heaskedwit
hhiseyesballedout
.
Me:"
NoIwantt obr
aaiyou.Noonei sgoi
ngt
osave
youboy"Isai
dasIlaughed.Peopl
estart
edt
ocome
i
ntheyard.
Him:"
Peopl
e,pl
easehel
pme,Ican'
tdi
epl
ease"he
shout
edforpeopl
etohel
phi
m
Me:
"I
fyoudar
egoandopent
her
eI'
l
lal
socombi
ne
youwit
hhim"isai
dtotheoldmanwhowas
att
empti
ngtogoneartheshack.Idon'
tev
enknow
whathewasgoingtousetoopen.
Me:"
Idon'thav
eany onebecauseofy
ou!
!Myki
ds
hav
et ur
nedagainstme"
Hi
m:"
Iknowpl
easef
orgi
veme,
Iev
enf
oundaj
ob"
Me:"
yout
hinkt
hisi
sal
laboutmoney
?Noi
tisnot
any
more"
Hi
m:"
Iknowwewi
l
lfi
xthi
s"
Velba:
"Myfri
endpl
easedon'
tdoit
.Iam beggi
ngyou,
youdon'twantt
ogotojai
l.Whatwi
llhappent
oyour
daughter
s?"
Me:"
Iam doi
ngthi
sf orthem, t
hey '
l
lknowwhyI
'
ve
sacr
if
icedmysel
ffortheirhappiness"
Velba:
"Doy
ouwantGugut
ohat
eyouf
orKi
l
li
ngher
dad?"
Me:"
Whenshegr owupandhaveki
dsofherown,
she'
l
lunder
standwhyIdi
dthi
s"
It
urnedandt
ri
edt
oli
ghtt
hemat
ches
Velba:
"OmgIknowher
,she'
l
ldoi
t.Noonewill
stop
heonceshehasmadeuphermind.Somebodycal
l
thepoli
ce"
Hi
m:"Iam beggi
ngyou.Pleaseopenupf
ormeso
t
hatwecant al
kaboutall
oft hi
s"

Ihear
dpol
i
cev
ansi
rens

Me:
"Vel
badi
dyoucal
lthepol
i
ce?
"
Vel
ba:
"Ihadt
osi
si"
Me:"
youcan'
tstopmeonceI'
vemadeupmymi
nd"I
sai
dli
ght
ingthehouse.Thef
ir
ewenton.

Vel
ba:
"Whatdi
dyouj
ustdo"
Me:"Ther
e'snothi
ngthatIwantothert
hathear
ing
himincri
es.Hedi dn'
thavemercywhenmydaught er
tol
dhimt ostop."
Heari
nghisscreamsmademynight,i
twaspacked
wit
hPeopletry
ingtost
opthef
ir
e,thefi
ref
ight
er.I
wascuff
ed.

Police:
"Mam y ou'
reunderar
restforkil
l
ingaman.
Whatev eryouhavetosaywillbeusedagainsty ou
i
ncour t."Hesaidaftert
hey'
vedeclaredthathe'sno
mor e.I
'l
l bely
ingwhenIsaidthatmyhear tdidn'
tdo
thosev oshodance!IwantedtodancebutIcoul dn't
sinceIwashandcuf fed.

Vel
ba:
"Iknowyouweretr
yingt
ogetj
ust
icef
ory
our
chi
l
d,butyoushoul
dn'
thaveki
ll
edhi
m"
Me:"Idon'tcar
e,v
elbaIdon'
tev
enwantt
ogot o
court.I
'
llt
ellt
hem t
osendmest eakt
opr
ison"Isai
d
proudly
!

Pol
iceman:
"Mam l
et'
sgo"hepushedmei
nsi
det
he
van
Vel
ba:
"I
'l
lcomeandcheckony
ou"
Me:
"nopr
obl
em"Isai
dasIset
tl
ein.

Khumbul
ani

_
___
___
___
___
_

IknowAmandai sgoingtotryandlookf orKhensani,

whichIdon'
twantthat.Thebestthingtodoi stoget
ri
dofher.Idon'
twantinheri
tance.Ireal
l
ydont .I
tookmyphoneandcal lMpil
o, hedoesev er
ythingf
or
me.

Me:
"heyMpi
l
o"
Hi
m:"
Sur
e"
Me:
"Ar
eyouav
ail
abl
etoni
ght
?"
Hi
m:"
yeswhyar
eyouaski
ng"he'
srude.Iknow
Me:
"Pl
easef
indi
nfor
mat
iononagi
rlnamed
KhensaniNgobeni
,shest
aysi
nTembisa.Her
mothersell
sbeatsi
nTownAndkil
lher"
Hi
m:"
What
?Idon'
tki
l
lpeopl
e"
Me:
"youhear
dmer
ightMpi
l
oki
l
lher
!
Hi
m:"
you'
l
lhav
etopaydoubl
e"
Me:
"cool
"

Voi
ce:"
Whatt
hehel
lar
eyoutry
ingt
odo"she
st
art
ledme.I
twasAmanda.
Me:
"Shehastodi
esi
s.She'
stheonewho'
smaki
ng
meseethoseol
dugl
yhags"
Amanda:
"Iwon'
tal
l
owy
out
odot
hat
!"

Let
'sr
each350comment
spl
ease

Li
ke,
shar
eandcomment
HERSTRUGGLE

CHAPTER22

-
--
--
--
--
--
--
#Khensani

Therei
sawomanhandcuffed.Ther
ewasnothi
ng
wrongwit
hher,
inf
actIcouldseeli
ght
ness
surr
oundi
ngher
.
Onl
ybri
ght
nesssurroundedher
.Somethi
ngmade
mehappyaboutherbri
nghandcuf
fed.
Icoul
dfeel
myhear
tatease.
Shedidn'
tdeserv
etobehandcuff
edbutshe
deserv
edthehappinesst
hatsur
roundedherwhi
l
ein
thosehandcuf
fs.
..

Iwokeupandr
eal
i
sedt
hatIwasdr
eami
ng.
..
I
twasn'
tabaddr
eam r
eal
l
y..

"
You'
reawake?
"Nt
okozoaskedasshemadeher
wayi
n.
Iwasi
nnomoodr
eal
l
y
Me:
"Yes"
Her
:"
Gramsi
swaiti
ngf ory
oui
ntheki
tchen,
shehas
t
otakeyout
othecli
nic.
OhInear
lyf
orgotIwasgoi
ngf
ormyt
hir
dmont
h
ANC.
.
Me:
"Okay
,I'
l
lgof
reshenup.
..
"

Ilef
thertogoplugt
heket
tl
eandboi
lsomewat
er
foraquickbat
h.

Iwasgai
ningabi
tofwei
ght
.
Iwasi
nthebedroom l
ooki
ngf
orsomet
hingt
owear
whenNtokozomadeherwayi
nsi
de.
Isi
ghed
Me:
"Nt
okozoy
oushoul
dlear
ntoknock,
I'
m naked!
'
Her:
"Don'
twor
ry.I
'
m her
etogetmycl
othest
ooand
change"
Me:
"Ar
eyoucomi
ngwi
thus?
'
Her
:"
No.
"
Isearchedforcl
othest
owearandshecameand
stoodbehindme.
Damnno!
!
Her
:"
Youhaveabeaut
if
ul body
"shewhispered
r
unni
ngherhandonmyt ummy .Myheartsqueez
ed.
No.
..
Shesqueezedmybr
east
s
Me:
"Nt
okozogr
amsi
sout
side"
Her
:"
Woul
dyoual
l
owmet
otouchy
oui
fshewasn'
t"
Me:
"No"
Her
:"Youfeel
me, t
hesamewayIdo.Whydoy
ou
hav
et ofi
ghtit?
"
Imov
edawayf
rom herandgotsomet
hingt
owear
.
Iwasqui
ck,Ij
ustcoul
dn'
twai
tti
l
lIgotoutoft
his
bedr
oom..

Gramswaspati
ent
lywait
ingformeinthecarbusy
i
nhercar.Andwedrov
etot hecl
i
nicsoonwhenIgot
i
nt hecar
"
I'
ll
wai
tfory
oui
nher
e"
Me:
"Okay
"
Her:
"Andmakesur
etocomest
rai
ghther
ewheny
ou
ar
edone."
Inoddedont
hatt
oo.

Igotacar
dnumberf
rom t
hesecur
it
iesatt
hegat
e.
Iwasnumber64,
butI
twasn'
tful
li
nsi
de.
Ikeptmysel
fbusyreadyPr
esh'
sst
ori
eswhi
l
e
waiti
ngf
ormyturn.
.
WhenIwasdone,
Iwentbackt
othecar
.
Gramswasj
ustsi
l
ent
.Icoul
dtel
lshewasn'
ti
nany
goodmood

Shecheckedmycl
i
niccar
dbef
orewedr
ovehome.
Her
:"
Doy
ouknowhowt
odr
ive?
"
Me:
"No"
Her
:'
'
Tot
all
y?"
Me:
'
Yes"
Her:"Don'twor
ry,
I'
ll
speakt
osomeonet ogi
veyou
dri
vinglessonsfr
om Monday.Iwontbddr
ivi
ngyou
totheclinicev
eryti
me"
Inodded
Her
:"
Don'
tyouneedany
thi
ngt
oeat
?"
Iwashungr
y
Me:
"Iam hungr
y"
Her
:"
Bunnychow?
"
Inodded
-
--
--
--
--
--
#Khumbul
ani

Theol
dwomanl
aughedatme.
Ist
oodf
rozeni
nthepassage
"
Khumbul
ani
!!
!"
Ist
oodst
il
l
"
Khumbul
ani
!!
"
Sheshookme.

Isi
ghed
Amanda:
"I
'v
ebeenshout
ingy
ourname,
what
's
wrongwi
thyou?
"
Me:
"Theol
dhagwasher
enow"
Shesi
ghed
Her
:"
You'
rest
il
lseei
ngghost
sev
ennow?
"
Ir
oll
edmyey
es
Her
:"
Come,
let
'smakey
ousomet
hingt
oeat
"
Me:
"Amandadoy
out
hinkIhav
egonecr
azy
?"
Her:
"No.It
hinky
ou'
rej
ustov
ert
hinki
ngt
hings.You
wil
lbeokay"
Inodded
Her
:"Ical
l
eddadandt
oldhi
m wehav
esomet
hingt
o
t
ell
him"
Me:"Ihopey
ouar enotplanni
ngont
ell
i
nghi
m about
yourmaidbeingpregnant"
Her
:"
Ofcour
seIam!!
!ForonceKhumbulanidadhas
t
obeproudabouty
ouorsomet hi
ngyou'vedone"
Me:
'
'Idon'
twanthi
mtobepr
oudofme"
Her
:"
Khumbul
aniyouwontl
i
vei
nmyhousef
orev
er,
I
wontf
eedyoufor
ever
!"
Me:"I
fyouwantmetoleav
ey ourhousey
oucansay
i
t,don'
tpushar
oundtheBush!"
Her
:"
Iwashmyhandsony
ou!
!"
-
--
--
--

#Gugu

"
Thisoneiscor
rect
!"It
oldoneofmynewl
yfound
f
ri
ends,Jabu
Her
:'
Yes!
!!
"
Shecl
appedherhands
Me:
'
Whuuuf
inal
l
y!"
AuntSont
ocameandj
oinedus.
.
Sont
o:"
Jabuyoumaytakethegamesbackt
othe
gameroom.You'
l
lconti
nuetomorr
ow"
Webot
hsul
ked

Sonto:
"Noguy
s,youshouldgojoi
ntheki
dsi
nthe
pray
erroom,i
t'
sti
mef orpray
ernow"
Jabust
oodupandpackedawayt
hegames
Sont
o:"
Howar
eyou?
"
Me:
"Iam happy
"
Shesmi
l
ed

Her:
"Iknow.
.Iwanttoasky
ousomet
hing,
Doy
ou
knowwhatheavenis?"
Me:
"Yes,
thesky
?"
Shel
aughed
Her
:"
Nobutdoy
ouknowt
hatpeopl
egot
oheav
en?
"
Me:"
Andhell
.Justl
i
kemyf at
her
,Iknowt
hathewi
l
l
onedaydi
eandgot ohel
l
"
Her
:"
Don'
tsayt
hatabouty
ourf
atherGugu!
'
Me:"
Healwaysmademysist
ercryt
il
lsher
anaway
.
Onedayherubbedmynanawit
hhishand"
Her
:"
OhmyGod!
!Whatdi
dyourmot
hersay
?'
Me:"
Shel
ethi
m doi
ttomysi
stert
ooandpr
etended
nott
oknowofit
"
Shesi
ghed
Her
:"
Yourf
atheri
sinheav
ennow"
Me:
"Hei
sdead?
"
Her
:'
Peopl
edontdi
e,t
heygot
oheav
en"
Me:
"Whathappenedt
ohi
m?"
Her
:"
He.
..
"
Shesi
ghed
Her
:"
Heisinheav
enandhappy
,that
'sal
lthat
matt
ers?
"
Me:
"Wher
eismymom?
"
Her
:"
Shei
sokay
"

-
--
--
--
--
-
#Gugu'
smom

Iwasi
ntheholdi
ngcel
lswhenthepol
iceoff
icer
cameandtookmetotheint
err
ogat
ionroom...
Wesatf
aci
ngeachot
herandIwasst
il
lhandcuf
fed.

Shespokeont
het
apebef
orel
ooki
ngatme.
Her
:"
Howwer
eyour
elat
edt
othedeceased?
"
Me:
"Hewasmyhusband"
Her
:"
Forhowl
onghav
eyouguy
sbeenmar
ri
ed?
"
Me:
"El
eveny
ear
s"
Her
:"
Whatpushedy
out
obr
utal
l
yki
l
li
nghi
m?"
Me:
"Hedeser
vedi
t"

Iwasn'
taboutt
opushar
oundt
heBush.
Her
:"
Youmeanhedeser
vedt
odi
e?"
Me:
"Yes"
Her
:"
Why
?"
Me:"Becauseofthepai
nheputmeandmy
daughtersthr
ough"
Her
:"
Takemet
othatpai
n"
Me:"
AndandIwereonceinlove,weweresomuch
i
nlov
eunti
lheonedaylosthisjobandusedmeand
mychil
dashisst
ressrel
iev
er."
Her
:"
Howdi
dheusey
ouashi
sst
ressr
eli
ever
?"
Me:"Heusedtobeatmeandast i
mewentonitgot
worsebecauseIwaspr
egnantwithhi
schil
dand
coul
dn'tusemeashisr
eli
everanymoreandst
art
ed
rapi
ngmychi l
d"
Her:
"Haveyouev
eropenedar
apeorassaul
tcase
agai
nsthim?"
Me:
"Iwasscar
edofhi
m"
Her:
'
'Sother
e'snot
hingt
hatpr
oveswhaty
ouar
e
say
ing?"
Me:"Mydaught
erranaway.Myotherdaught
erwas
takenfr
om mebyt hesoci
alwor
kers,
whatother
provedoyouneed?"
Her
:"
Youwer
eabadmot
hert
ha-
"
Me:
"Ar
eyouamot
her
?"
Her
:"
Okayl
etsgetbackt
othequest
ions.
..
"
HERSTRUGGLE

Chapt
er23

_
___
___
___
__

#Gugu'
smom

Me:"
Soy oucl
aimthatherapedy
ourchi
l
d,di
dshe
her
selfopenarapecase?
"
Me:
"Shewasal
soscar
edofhi
m"
Her
:"
Soyoucouldn'
tpr
otecty
ourchi
l
dtoo?Imean
f
rom t
herape?
"
Me:
"No"
Her
:"
Thereisnomot
herthatwoul
dev
erl
etanyman
dot
hattothei
rownchi
l
d-"
Me:
"See?Exact
ly!
!!Whi
chi
swhyIbur
nedhi
m al
i
ve.
"
Me:"
Sis,I'
v ehadt owitnessthesickJohn
pl
easuridnghimsel fwi t
hmyv eryowndaughter!
!I'
ve
hadtolivewi t
ht heignoranceandpainofwatchi
ng
hi
m.Ihadnopl an,Ineededashel t
eratl
eastf
ormy
ki
ds.Hepr ovi
dedt hat.Hegavethem thebestl
if
e
butunfortunatelyi
tcamewi t
htearsandpain!
"

Her
:"
Alotdoesn'
taddupher
e"
Me:"
Iwontexpectyoutounderst
and.Yourj
obisto
j
udgepeopl
enott ofi
ndthereasonbehindwhat
t
hey'
vedone"
Her
:"
Mur
deri
sav
eryser
iousof
fenseMr
s."
Me:
"DoIlooklikeIcar
e?IdidwhatIhadto,
tosav
e
mykids.ButIam worr
iedaboutt
hesist
erone"
Her
:"
Right
,doy
ouwantmay
bet
ocal
lyourl
awy
er?
"
Me:"Lawyer?Forwhat?Idon'tneedal awyer,Idon't
regr
etwhatIdid.I'
l
lnotgot ocourt,Iwon'tplead
guil
tyactual
lyyoucanjustsentencemei nher e.I
don'thaveanyremorseofwhatIdi d,actual
lyy ou
canev enwakehim atdeadI'l
lsti
llki
ll
him"
Her
:"
Don'
tpushmyhand,
pleasewor
kwi
thmeher
e."
Me:"CanIgobackt othecell
?"Iaskedasl aybackon
thechair
,shepressedwr ongbuttonwhenshesai di
wasbadatr aisi
ngmyownki dsDon'tIknowt hatI
didthem wrong?Iam tryi
ngtofixeveryt
hingfor
them.Justeverythi
ng,whenIcomeouti fhereIam
goingtolookforajob,IknowIwon' tbegetti
ngany
j
obofmychoi ce.I'
l
lbui
ltasalon.

_
___
___
___

#Khensani
.

Iwascooki ngpapandchi ckenliversjusttheway

I'
vel earntf
rom Amanda'sbooks.Shesomehow
helpedmebecausemamadi dn'
tev enteachmehow
tocooksev encolour
s.It
'snotl i
keIbl amedher
though, Iwasjustabrokenki dinherey es,Iwasa
fai
lur eatschool
.Peopleusedt olaughatmef or
fai
lingbutIhadmyr easons.
Grams:"
Nokhensani t
hearomaiski l
li
ngus"I
snappedoutifit
,Ihav
etostopthinkingaboutmy
pastandfocusonmyf ut
ure.Ihaveaf amil
ynow,I
mustconcentrat
eongett
ingasi dejob
Me:"
Iam comi
ng,
Ijustneedt
oaddasoupt
henI
'
ll
bedone"
Gr
ams:"Iam r
eal
l
yhungr
y.Idon'
tknowabout
Nt
okozo"
.
..
"OfcourseIam hungr
yMt
handazo"shesai
dint
he
ot
herside"
Me:
"Gi
veme10mi
ns"
Gr
ams: "
Cool"Ismil
edandcheckedt
hepap.I
twas
al
readyfoaming.

Me:
"Her
e"Isadgi
vi
ngherat
rayofpapandli
vers
wi
thabasi
nofwater
.Andcl
otht
odryherhands.
Grams:"
Whoev err
aisedyoudeser
veanOscar
award"shesai
djoki
ngly.Ij
ustsmi
led,
Idi
dn'
tknow
whattosay.
I
fsheknew.
..si
gh
Nt
okozo:
"Wher
e'smi
ne?
"
Me:"RelaxNtokozo,
I'
ll
goandgetyourfoodi
t'
sjust
thatIcouldn'
tholdt
hetrayandy
ourfoodbot
h.Ionly
havetwohands
Nt
okozo:
"Idi
dn'
tmeant
ober
ude,
Iwasj
ustaski
ng.
"
Me:
Igav
eheradeat
hst
arebef
oreIt
urnedt
ogether
f
ood.
Idi
shedoutf
orherandmy
sel
f.

Ntokozo:
"Thanky
oumyl ove"gr
amsqui
ckl
yturned
andlookedatus,
Ionl
yroll
edmyeyesatNtokozo.
Grams:
"What
'sgoi
ng?Arey
ouguy sdat
ing?She
askedwi
thconcer
nwri
tt
eninhereyes
Me:
"Whatno"
Nt
okozo:
"yes"wesai
datt
hesamet
ime.
Gr
ams:
"Whi
choneshoul
dIt
ake?
"
Me:
"Nowear
enotdat
ing,
Iam notagay
"
Nt
okozo:
"Lesbi
an"shecor
rect
ed
Me:"Whatev
er,
it'
snotl
i
keIam i
nter
estedinthat
shi
t.Mom al
wayssaidt
hati
t'
sdemotic"Okay
, That
cameoutwrong
Ntokozo:
"Yousayi
ngbeingal
esbi
ani
sdemoti
c?
Weren'ty
ouscaredofdemonswheny
ouwereburi
ed
undermypussy?Sheasked
Me:
"Gr
amscanIpl
easegoandr
est
"
Gr
ams:
"Andy
ourf
ood"
Me:
"I
'v
elostappet
it
e"
Grams:"
Okay
,goandputi
tinthemi
crowav
e,al
so
don'
tfor
gett
odri
nkyourpi
ll
s"
Me:
"Thanky
ou"

Br
eaki
ngnews.
.

A42y ear
sol dwomanf r
om Tembisahasbeen
arr
est
edf orburni
ngherhusbandali
ve.Some
rumourshadi tt
hatt
hehusbandhadbeenabusing
thewifeandherchi
ldr
enbothphysi
cal
lyand
emot i
onal
ly.Whi
l
emember softhecommunityal
so
arerej
oici
ngthearr
estoft
hewomanasshewas
toxi
ctowardsherki
ds.

Gr
ams:
"Somepeopl
ear
edanger
ousoutt
her
e"
Me:"Wait,t
hat
'smymom"Isai dasInoti
cedher
favour
iteBrom dr
ess.Shewashandcuf
fed,she
bowedherhead.Whywoul dmymom ki l
lJohnnow?
Whatwi ll
happentoGugu?Ihavetogohome
tomorrowandcheckonmyl it
tl
esist
er.
Grams:"
wait
,youmeanthewomant
hatbur
nedher
husbandisyourmot
her
?"
Inodded.
Iwasver
yshockedt
oevensayanyt
hing.Mymother
l
ovedJohnwaymorethanany
thi
ng.Whathappened?
Whatpushedhert
odoi
ngt
hat
?

#Nt
okozo
Grams:"
Andyou,
what
'sgoi
ngbet
weeny
ouand
Khensani
?"
Me:
"Umm not
hingwhy
?"
Grams:
"Nt
okozo,
Iknowyou.Icanseel
ovewri
tt
eni
n
yourey
eswhenyou'
rel
ooki
ngatKhensani"
Me:"
Okay
,idon'
tknowbutIam sexual
l
yat
tract
edt
o
her
"
Grams:"
Stopthi
sbeforei
tgetsoutofhand.No.
l
eavethepoorchil
d,she'
sbeenthroughal
ot,l
ether
be.She'
spregnantf
urheavensake"
Me:
"butgr
ams"
Grams:
"Thi
sisnotupfordiscussi
onNtokozo,
leav
e
t
hepoorchil
dalone.Ther
e'salotofwomenaround"
Me:
"Idon'
twantt
hem"
Grams:
"Whatev
er,justt
hrowy ourLi
lcr
usht
owher
e
sundoesn'
tshi
ne"sheturnedandwalkaway

Thi
sisf
ucked,
whydi
dIsaymyl
ovet
ogr
ams.She'
s
nowgoingt omakesurethatIst
aythehel
laway
from.Khensani
.Idon'
tknowwhybutgramsl ove
Khensaniasherveryownchil
dthat
'swhatIknow
forsur
e!.
.
.

#Khensani

Iwasbusyf
ixi
ngt
hebl
anket
ssot
hatIcansl
eep.
Mom i
sinjai
l?Butwhydi
dshebur
nhi
m,i
smom
t
hathear
tl
ess?
Nohedi dsomet hi
ngwr ongtoherormaybeshe
real
isedthatt
hemanwasdoi ngtomucht hi
ngsto
herandusherki ds,buttomorr
owIam goingto
checkonGugui can'
tletmybloodstayoutt
here!
Ntokozocamei n.

Ntokozo:
"Heybabe"Ikeptqui
et.Idon'
twantt
of i
ght
wit
hher ,
thel
astthi
ngIneededi snott
obekicked
outift
hehouse
"
lookIam sor
ryKhensani
"
Me:"Justleav
emeal onent
okozo, whatwedi
dwas
niceIagreebutitwasamistake.Anditi
snotgoi
ng
tohappenagai n"
Nt
okozo:
"Oryoumademet
ast
eni
cet
hingandl
eav
e
mejustl
i
kethat?
"
Me:"No,wewerebot
hhelpi
ngeachother
!Iwas
sexual
lyhungr
yandyouhappenedt
obet her
e"
Ntokozo:"
Soi
not
herwor
dsy
ouusedmet
osat
isf
y
yoursel
f?"
Me:"Noy ouwer ealsohungry,wewer ebot
hwet .
ComeonNt okozoy ou'
renotthef i
rstonetobe
rej
ectedandy ou'
renotgoingtobel astone.Just
stopbeingabuzzandgetal i
fey hoo"IsadasI goti
n
thebed.Iwasnotl ooki
ngforar elationshi
pand
besideI'
venev erdatedbeforeandIam sur ethatI
am notal esbian!
.

_
___
___
___
___
Mor ningcame, Iwokeupandwentt of
reshenup.I
driedmy selfandgotdressed.I
'
llhavet
odi gupthe
moneyt oday,Iam r
eal
lyhopingthatNt
okozodidn'
t
takeit.Iam goingtoTembi sat
oseehowGugui s
holdingup.

Gr
ams:
"Mor
ningKhensani
"
Me:
"Mor
ningma"
Gr
ams:
"Howdi
dyousl
eep?
"
Me:"
Notcompl
aini
ng,ohhsi
ncey
ousawityest
erday
t
hatmamai si
njai
lIhavet
ogoandcheckonmy
l
it
tl
esist
er"
Grams:
"ButI
'
vecall
edt
heguyWho'
sgoi
ngt
oteach
youhowtodri
ve"
Me:
"I
'l
lbebackar
ound2"
Gr
ams:
"Doy
oupr
omi
se?
"
Me:
"Yes,
Ido"
Grams:
"Shoul
dIgiv
eyout
axi
far
eort
ell
Ntokozot
o
accompanyyou?
"
Me:
"No,
Ipr
efert
axi
"
Gr
ams:"
Wait
"shesear
chedherpocket
sandgav
e
meR200"Wi
lli
tbeenough?
"
Me:"Yes,t
hanky ou"Ialsowenttot akeanothertwo
hundredatthebackoft het
oil
et.Iam gladthatshe
di
dn'ttakeitnortel
lgrams.IhadR400wi thme

Itookmyphoneont hechargerandwentt otaxirank.

Igotoffatboulder'
s, andwenttoShopr i
te.Ibought
Danone, si
mbasandchocol atef
orher .Onmyway
outIsawKhumbul anigiggli
ngwithsomesl ayqueen.
Mybr eathqui
cklybecameabnor mal,Iwasbr eathing
fast,i
sthathi
sot hervicti
m?That'swhatIwas
askingmy sel
f.Doessheknowt hekindofamonst er
heis?

Securi
ty:
"Mam ar
eyouokay
"youcoul
dtel
lhewas
concerned.
Me:
"Thankyouv
erymuch"Isai
dasIhel
dmychest.I
t
houghtIwaswaypastt
hat,
butseei
nghi
m br
ought
backmemor
iest
hatIt
houghtIbur
iedLongt
imeago.
Ir
ememberhowtheykickedmeout.MaybeifIgoto
hi
m andaskhi
m whyhedi dthi
stome,Iwi
l
lbef i
ne.
It
ookmyplast
icbagandr anaft
ert
hem.
Me:"
Hell
o"Ical
l
edout
,todayIam faci
nghi
m.We
wereinpubl
i
chewon'
tdoany t
hingtome.ThatIwas
sur
eofit.
Hest
oodst
il
lwhenhesawme.
Me:"What
?Whyar
ey ousur
pri
sed.Yout
houghtIwas
gonnatur
nint
oahobo?"
Khumbul
ani
:
"Whatar
eyoudoi
ngher
e"Il
aughed
Me:"
Whatam Idoingher
e,i
sn'
tthi
sapubli
cpl
ace?
Oronlyr
ichpeopl
eareal
lowedtoshopher
e?"
Sl
ayqueen:
"Baby
,issher
elat
edwi
thy
ou?
".
Me:"Yout
hinkI
'
dber
elat
edt
oar
api
st?
"Iwas
shouti
ng
Sl
ayqueen:
"What
?NotLani
"
Me:"Yes,hi
m.Whyarey
ouqui
etKhumbulani
.Tel
l
her
!!Tell
herwhaty
oudidt
ome!!Tel
lherI'
m now
pr
egnantbecauseofy
ou!Tel
lhery
our
spedme!
!!
"
Idon'
tknowhowbutIfeltaslaponmycheek.
Secur
it
iescameandheldhim back.Peopl
ewere
nowroundingus,
sometakingvideos
Me:"
Youknowoneday,y
ou'l
lmeetyourmat
ch.You'
l
l
meetli
onst
haty
ou'
llbefi
ghti
ngwit
hthem i
nthei
r
den.
"
Isai
dandwalkedaway
.Iam gl
adthatImanagedt
o
l
ookinhi
seyesandremindhi
m ofwhathedid.
Ir
efusedt
obebr
oken!No!
If
eltl
oadsof
fmyshoul
der
s.

It
ookanothert
axitoWinni
e,whenIarri
vedIsawma
Vel
basweepingtheyar
d,shequickl
yletgoofthe
br
oom andwipedherhands.

Her
:"
Khensani
,i
sthi
syou?
"
MaVelbahasbeennot
hingbutgoodt
omesi
nceI
wasy
oung.
Me:
"I
t'
sme"
Her
:"
OhhGodImi
ssedy
ou"shehuggedme"
Come
i
n"
Me:"
Sothi
sisthedamagemamadi
d?"Iwas
poi
nti
ngatthebur
ntshack.
Therewasay el
l
owpoli
cepaper
/pl
ast
icsur
roundi
ng
theplace,
Icoul
dn'
tgoi
n
Her:
"Yes,
shef
inal
l
ydi
dit
.ButGugui
snol
ongerwi
th
us"
Me:
"What
!Wassheal
soi
nthehouse?
Her:
"Nono!She'satweal
thcar
efamil
y.Butt
hat
's
nottheendoftheroadyoucanappl
ytobeher
fost
erparent
"
Me:
"What
,howwhy
?"
Her:
"Iknowit
'shar
dtost
omachi
tinbutgoand
appl
yt ogety
ourbaby
"
Me:
"Ihav
etobe21y
ear
sMa,
orory
oucanappl
y"
Her
:"
Not hat
'snotagoodi
dea.Idon'
thaveast
abl
e
j
ob,youknowthatIal
sohavetotakecar
eofmy
mot
herbackathome"
Me:
"Yes,
Iunder
standi
twasj
ustani
dea"
Her
:"
Iunder
standsi
s,howar
eyouhol
dingup?
"
Me:
"I
'l
lbef
ine"
Her
:"
Whenwi
l
lyougoandseey
ourmom?
"
Me:"
Idon'
thav
eamot her,
thatwomanf ai
l
edto
prot
ectmewhil
eIwasl iv
inghere.Whydidsheact
now?She'
sanattent
ionseekerthatone"
Her
:"
Khensani
"
Me:"
Yes,
sheshoul
dhaveburnedhimt
hedayhe
st
art
edgivi
ngmeweir
dlooks."Any
wayIam goi
ng

Isai
dst
andi
ngupandl
eav
ingheral
lshocked.

#Gugu

Theki
dsaregoodatme.Andthepar
entsi
nherea
goodt
oo.Theyteachushowt
opray,r
espectol
d
peopl
eandtocook.Iwasbusybr
ushi
ngmydol
l
's
hai
rwhenauntSontocame

Sont
o:"
Heybaby
"
Me:
"heyaunt
y"
Sont
o:"
Howar
eyoumyl
ove"
Me:
"Iam good"
Sont
o:"
you'
resupposedt
oaskmehowIam"
Me:
"Sor
ryaunt
y,howar
eyou"
Sont
o:"Iam good,
Ihav
ebadnewsmychi
l
d.Your
motherisi
nj ai
l
"
Me:"
ohh,
whatdi
dshedo"Iaskedwi
thconcer
ned
voi
ce.
Sonto:
"Okay
,shebroket
hel
aw.Whenaper
son
breakl
awgot oj
ail
"
Me:
"sheki
l
leddadr
ight
"
Sont
o:"
No,shebr
okel
aw.Any
wayt
her
e'ssomeoneI
wantyout
osee"
Me:"
okay
,letmeputmybabyt
osleep"Iputt
hedol
l
downandpull
edatowel
tocoveri
t.

Sheheldmyhandandwenttor
ecept
ion,
Itwasmy
teacher
.Iqui
ckl
yrant
ohugher

Mam:
"Howar
eyouGugu"
Me:
"Iam f
ineandy
ou"
Mam:"
Iam goodmychil
d,doy
ouwantt
oseewhatI
hav
ebroughtf
oryou?
"
Me:
"yes"shet
ookouti
cecr
eam wi
tht
easpoon
"
Thanky ouMa'
am"
Her
:"y
ou'
rewel
come,
Ihear
dabouty
ourmom.Iam
sor
ry"
Me:
"Nah,
it'
sokay
.She'
l
lbeoutsoon"
.
Her
:"
Yepp,
letmego.I
'
llst
opbyt
omor
rowokay
?"
Me:
"okay
"sheki
ssedmycheeksandwentout
HERSTRUGGLE
CHAPTER24

_
___
___
___
_
#Khumbul
ani

Ipacedal
lar
oundtheroom.Iwasangryatwhatthat
stupi
dbit
chdi
d!Shedeserv
edtodiesopainf
ull
y.
Ihat
edhersobad!
!
Iwant
edt
oki
l
lherwi
thmybar
ehands

"What
'swrongwit
hyou?
"Amandaaskedme.When
shegoti
nsidet
hehouse
Isatont
hesof
a.
FuckKhensani
!!
!

Me:
"Thatst
upidexmaidofy
our
scausedascenef
or
metodayatboul
der
's!
"
Shesatdownandt
ookof
fhershoesandr
ubbedher
feet
.

Her
:"
YousawKhensani
?"
Me:
"I
sthatal
lthatmat
ter
stoy
ou?
"
Her
:"
Didy
ouaskf
orhernumber
sorany
thi
ng?
"
Me:"
Amanda!!!Khensanishoutedt
hatIr
apedher
.
Ri
ghtinf
rontofeveryoneelse!
!"
Her
:"
Oh"

Me:
"I
'm goi
ngt
oki
l
lthatgi
rlf
orr
eal
now!
"
Her
:"
That
'sj
usty
ourangert
alki
ngy
ou!
"
Igav
eheradeat
hst
are
Her
:"For
givemef orcar
ing!!Youcouldhavebegged
t
hatgirl
tocomebackher esoy oucanfi
ghtforyour
l
egacyfrom dad!
!!
"

Me:
"Ohandt
hel
egacyi
sal
lyoucar
eabout
?"
Her:
"Khumbul
aniIwon'
tfuckenfeedyouall
yourli
fe!
!
You'
vedonenothi
ngbutdisappoi
ntmeev er
ychance
yougetandnowIneedjustsomethingsmallf
rom
you,
y oumakeabigdealoutofit
?"

Me:
"Idon'
tbel
i
evey
our
ightnow!
"
Her:
"Fi
ndt
hatgi
rlandyourchi
l
d!Atleastsomet
hing
goodcameoutofyourrapi
stt
endencies!
"
Me:
"Youdi
dn'
tsayt
hat
!"Isai
d,shocked
Her
:"
Idi
d"
Me:
"Fucky
ouAmanda!
"
Her
:"
Getoutofmyhouset
hen"
Ist
oodupandwal
kedout
,shet
hrewhershoeatme
"
Ungr
atef
ulcr
imi
nal
spoi
l
tbr
at!
!!
!!
!"

_
___
___
#Khensani
I
'
m notsur
eifgoi
ngt
othechi
l
dren'
shewasgood
i
dea.
ButIf
oundmysel fgoi
ngt
her
eaf
terget
ti
ngt
he
di
rect
ionsf
rom Velba.

Iwassi
gnedinandwai
ti
ngforGugut
ocome.Iwas
l
ooki
ngforwar
dtoseei
ngheral
so.
"
Hi"somewomangr
eet
edbef
oreshesatbef
oreme.
Me:
"Hi
"
Her
:"
Guguwi
l
ljoi
nusi
nabi
t"
Inodded
Her
:"
I'
m Sont
o,t
hesoci
alwor
ker
"
Me:
"I
'm Khensani
,Gugu'
ssi
ster
"
Her
:"
Howar
eyou?
"
Me:
"I
'm okay
"

Her
:"
Tel
labouty
ourf
ami
l
y,howwasi
sgr
owi
ngup?
HowwasGugu?"
Me:
"Shewasokay
"
Her:
"Justokay
?Hasy
ourmot
herabusedy
ouguy
sin
anyway ?
"
Me:
"No"

Her
:"
Andy
ourf
ather
?"
Me:"
Idon'
thav
eaf
ather
,nev
erhadone.Hedi
ed
year
sago"
Her
:"
Imeany
ourmot
her
'shusband"
Me:
"Youcangot
opr
isonandaskmymot
her
"
Shesi
ghed
Her
:"
Hasheabusedy
oui
nany
way
?'
Me:"
He'snev
erdoneany
thi
ngbadt
oGuguI
fthat
'
s
whatyouwantt
oknow"
Her
:"
Icanal
readyt
ell
youhav
esomuchanger
..
."

Gugurani
nmyar msassoonasshewal
kedi
n.Iwas
sohappyseei
ngher
Ihav
emi
ssedmybabysi
ssomuch
Ihandedhert
hepl
ast
ic
Me:
"Ibr
oughtsomet
hingf
ory
ou"
Her
:"
Thanky
ou.
"

Sont
o:"
I'
ll
giv
eyouguy
ssomepr
ivacy
"
Shewassohappy
Her
:"
Khensi
Ihadadr
eam abouty
ou"
Me:
"Tel
lmeabouti
t"

Shest
art
edpl
ayi
ngwi
thherdol
l
Her :
"Ther ewasalotofdarknessandIcoul
dhear
voicesbutcoul dn'tmakesenseofthem.Youwer ei
n
somuchdangerandneededmyhel pbutIcouldn'
t
helpy ou.Thent herewasanol dwomanwhohel da
blackt eddybearandkeptonst abbi
ngitandtou
criedwi thever
yst ab"
Icoul
dtel
lthedr
eam madeherscar
ed
Me:
"Iam okaynana,
itwasj
ustadr
eam"
Her
:"
Iknow"
Me:"Iam saf
enow.PlusIam st
ayi
ngi
nSowet
onow,
I
'm nolongerwor
king"
Her
:"
Why
?"
Me:
"I
tsl
ongst
orynana"
Her
:"
Youl
ooksobeaut
if
ul"
Ichuckl
ed
Me:
"If
eel
sobeaut
if
ul!
"
Shel
aughed
Her:
"Wi
l
lyoucomeof
ten?Iwi
l
ltel
lyouaboutmy
dr
eams"
Me:
"AndIwi
l
lcomeev
erychancei
get
"iassur
edher
.

Leav
ingherwasthehardestt
hingt
odo.ButIknew
shewashappy,shedi
dntevenneedtof
orceitt
o
makemebeliev
e.
Shewashappy
,al
othappyt
hanseewasathome.

"
Youar
elat
e!"Gr
amssai
dwhenIwal
kedi
n.
Shi
t,If
orgotaboutt
hedr
ivi
ngl
essons
Me:"
I'
m sor
ry,
Ihadt
ogoseemyy
oungsi
steratt
he
chi
l
dren'
shome"
Her
:"
Oh"
Me:
"I
'm sor
ry"
Her:
"I
tsokay
,justmakesur
ey ouareher
etomor
row
becauset
heguywi l
lbecomingbackagai
n."
Inodded
Herphoner
ang,
shel
ookedati
t
Her
:"
Youcangi
vemesomepr
ivacynow"

_
___
___

#Gugu'
smom
"
DearKhensi

Iknowyouwontcomet oseemeinsideher
ebutI
knowthi
slet
terwi
ll
reachyou.Iwi
ll
makesur eof
that
.

I
'm homenow,I
'm say
ingthisbecauseIknowIwi
l
l
beinsi
deher
eforthelongestt
ime.
Youknow,wheny ourfat
herdi
ed,hel
eftmeso
l
onely
,sodepressedthatnot
hingmadesense
any
mor e.
AllIeverwantedwasf ory outohav eastablehome
andpeopl eyouwoul dcallparents.Iwantedy out o
behappy .Iwantedyout ohav esomeoney ouwoul d
sitdownwi t
handshar ey ourfearswi thandt hey
wouldbet hereforyouasy ourfather.I
'm sorryyour
dadlefttoosoon,forIknewhewoul dhav egiv en
youallthat.
ThenJohncame,Ihopedhewouldgiveyouthat.I
hopedthathewoul
dcloset
hegapy ourf
atherleft
i
nsteadhemadeitevenworse.
I
'm notwr
it
ingthisl
ett
erforyoutofor
givemefor
whatI'
vedone,butIam wri
ti
ngthi
slett
ertoasky
ou
t
oonedayf indi
tinyourheartt
oforgi
veme.

Iremembert hedayhest artedforcinghimselfon

you, I
'
llneverfor
geti t
.Itwil
lhauntmet i
llmydy i
ng
day .Wheny ourcri
espi er
cedt hroughmyhear t
.Pit
yI
hadt oignorethem, Ineededt ogiveyouast able
homeandIknewJohnwoul dpr ovi
de.Ineededy ou
tohav ear oofoveryourhead.ButnowIknow, where
therewasl ovenowi sonlypain.You'l
lneverhave
yourinnocence,Iallowedhi mt otakeitawayf r
om
you.Iallowedhimt ot akeyourchildhood.I'
l
lnev er
forgivemysel ft
ot hat

Idon'
tregr
etwhatI
'
vedonet
oJohn,
inf
actIam a
happywomannow.
ThoughIknow,
year
soft
hesamewontbeer
asedor
deni
ed.Thepastisunf
orgiv
ingt
oawoundedpride.
ThechoicesImadewil
lstaytot
heend.I
'
llpayf
or
mysins,Iam r
eady.
ButI
'
m st
il
lahappywoman.
.

Tell
GuguIlov
eher,wheny
ouseeher
.Iknowshei
s
happynow.Il
ovey
ou.

Yourmot
her
,"

Isi
ghed
Shel
ookedatme
Her
:"
I'
ll
takei
ttoy
ournei
ghbor"
Me:
"Thanky
ou"
Her
:"AndI'
m notdoi
ngthi
sbecauseIl
i
keyou1
any
thing.I
'
m doingt
hisbecauseI
'
m awoman"
Me:
"Thanky
ou"
_
___
___
_
#Khensani

Iwassot
ir
ed,
Ineededsobadt
osl
eep.
Imadesconesandacupofteabefor
egoingt
obed.
Ihav
egrewsobadtolovesconesandtea.

"
Khensani
"
Ar
ghnotnow.
Ipr
etendedt
obeasl
eep.
Her
:"
Iknowy
ouar
enotsl
eepi
ng"
Ii
gnor
edher
,cant
hisgi
rlj
ustl
eav
emeal
one?
Justt
hisonce?

Her:
"IknowIam pushingbutIcan'tunderstandwhy
you'
retryi
ngtopushev er
ythingaway.What
happenedbetweenuswas. ..amazing.I
twas
unexpectedbutIknowIhav efeel
ingsforyou"
Agai
n,i
gnor
eherKhensani
.
Sheki
ssedmyf
orehead
Her:
"I
'm goi
ngonanot
herhei
st,
Iwi
l
lmakei
tfor
you!
"
Shewal
kedout
Ar
gh!
_
___
__

Bl
ood.Icoul
dseeal
otofbl
ood.
Thenhear
dscr
eams.Ir
antot
heper
sont
hatwas
bl
eedi
ng,i
twasmymother
.
Shewasbleedi
ngsobadandcoul
dn'
tut
terany
thi
ng
forshewasinsomuchpai
n.
Shewaswearingablackrobe,whatshockedme
wasthebl
ackcolourbecausemymot herneverwor
e
anyt
hingt
hathadblackcolor.
Ipressedmyhandonherchest
,wher
eshewas
bleedi
ng.
Shewaslosi
ngsomuchbloodandIf
ear
edl
osi
ng
her
,IknewonlyIcoul
dhel
pher
..
.

"
Khensi
!!
!Khensani
!
!"
Gr
amsshookme.
.
Her
:"
Wakeup,
weneedt
ogot
othehospi
tal
..
"
Ir
ubbedmyey
es.
I
twasst
il
ldar
k
Me:
"Why
,what
'swr
ong?
"
Her:
"Wearyourgownandl
et'
sgo.Somet
hing
happenedt
oNt okozo!
"
Shet
hrewt
hegownatmeandr
ant
otheot
herr
oom.
Damn,
Ist
il
lneededsomesl
eep

TOBECONTI
NUED

LI
KE,
SHAREANDCOMMENT
HERSTRUGGLE

Chapt
er25

#Khensani
.

Gramswasdri
vingl
ikemaniac,
Iunder
standwher
e
she'
scomi
ngfrom.Iwouldhavealsor
eactedt
he
samewayifIwasinhershoes.

Whathappenedt oNtokozoi
snotsomethingI
wishedonher,Iknowthatwewerenotinspeaking
termsbutIreal
lywishshedi
dn'
tgotothemi ssi
on.I
feell
ikeIam t
heonet obebl
amedhere,Ishould
havestoppedher.

Shet
oldmethatshe'sgoi
ngonanotherhei
st.I
i
gnor
edherr
atherthanstoppi
ngher
...
Ishoul
dhav
est
oppedher
.
Me:"Gr
amsdoyouknowwhytheyshother
"shef
ir
st
l
ookedatmet
henkeptqui
etf
orafewseconds
I
twasast
upi
dquest
ion,
Iknow.
Grams: "I
'
dbel y
ingifIsayIknowwhyshewasshot .
Ireal
lydon'tknow, IthoughtNtokozodoesn'tinv
olve
hersel
fwi t
hthewr ongpeopl e.ButI'
vefoundoutshe
hasbeenf oolingme"shesai dconcentr
atedonthe
road,Iknewt hatshewasl y
ing.Sheknows
somet hi
ngbutIwon' tfur
thertheconversat
ion,i
ll
j
ustkeepqui te"
Gr
amsi
sshadyher
sel
f

Thedr i
vetothehospitalwasn'
tthatlong.Wequickl
y
gotoffthecarandappr oachedt
hel adywhowas
busytypingsomethingonhercomput er
,Iassume
thatshe'
sar ecept
ioni
st.

Gr
ams:
"Sawubonasi
s"shegr
eet
edpol
i
tel
y
Her
:"Hey
,mama"shesmi
l
ed.
Gr
ams:"Iwascal
ledt
hatmychi
l
dwasshotat
mapony
amal l
bank"
Her
:"Ma'
am Ipr
eferthatyoutel
lmeever
ysi
ngl
e
det
ail
youknowsot hatIcanhel
pyou"
Grams:"
Mygir
lwasshott
oni
ghtar
ound1Am"I
t
wasaround2AM
Her
:"oht
hereare2pati
entsthatwereadmit
ted,
it
wastwolesbi
ansIt
hinkbecausetheywereweari
ng
boy
ishcl
othes"
Gr
ams:
"Ohh,
god.That
'sher
"
Her
:"Unf
ort
unat
elywecouldn'
tadmi
ther
.Wedon'
t
hav
eherdocumentsorf
il
e"
Grams:
"okay
"shetookoutabr
ownenv
elopeIt
hink
t
herewasNtokozi
'
sdocuments
Her:"
Thanky ou,youcangot hr
ought hatpassage
ther
e'sadoorthat'swri
tten, ICUpatients.Openthat
door,you'
l
lfi
ndbenchespl easebef orey ouent
erthe
ward,sani
ti
zey ourhands.I tisnexttothedoor .But
thedoctori
sstill
busywit ht hem si
nceoneoft hem
hi
therheadhar
dtot
hef
loor
"

Gramsnoddedandl
edtheway,shewaswal
ki
ng
fast
.Ihadt
orunsot
hatIcankeepupwit
hher.
Wef
inal
l
ymadei
ttot
hegi
venwar
d.

Grams:"
Let'
ssither
e.Ireal
lyhopet
heyat
tendus
soonbecauseIam notpati
ent"
Me: "
Iam suret heyarestil
lbusywiththem"she
noddedandl aidherbackt othewal l
.Youcouldsee
i
nherey esthatt hi
sistakingatollonher.Butshe
wast r
yingnottoshowheremot i
onalself
,she'
s
batt
li
ngherf eeli
ngsinside.Iknowhowf ondof
Ntokozoshei s.

Wewai tedforaboutt
hreehours,i
twasaround4.I
wouldtakemyphoneandkeepmy sel
fbusywit
h
Facebook.ReadingFacebookstor
ieshashel
pedme.
Imanagedtolookstr
aightatKhumbulani
'
seyesand
tol
dhimtoshovehisasswher ethesundoesn'
t
shi
ne!Iam r
eall
yproudofmy sel
f.
I
fany t
hinghappenst
omet henIwishtolett
he
worl
dknowKhumbul aniwasbehi
ndi t
.Ishar
edhi
s
pi
ctureonFacebookandletev
eryoneknowwhathe
di
dt ome.

Thedoctor
swouldgoi
nrunni
ngandout,gr
amswas
paci
ngupanddown,wanti
ngtoknowwhat'
swrong.
Fi
nall
y,t
hedoct
orappr
oachedus,shewasdef
eat
ed.

Her:"
AreyouNtokozo'
sfamil
y?"Sheaskedwi
tha
handonherfor
ehead,Iassumeshe'shavi
nga
headache
Gr
ams:
"Yesy
es,
doc.We'
vebeenher
efor4hour
s"
Her
:"Iknow,
butwewer
etr
yingt
oremov
ethebul
l
et"
Grams:
"okayokay
.Howi
sshe?
"Shewasspeaki
ng
fast
Her
:"Mamashe'
sonl
i
fesuppor
t,t
her
e'sabul
l
eti
n
herchest.That
'swhereshewasshot,wecouldn'
t
removeitbecauseitis0.
2inchtoherhear
t.Sowe
wil
lgiv
ey ouformstosignthatyouagreet
hatwe
mustcont i
nuewit
ht heoperat
ion"
Grams:
"Okaycool
.Whatar
eyouwai
ti
ngf
or?Br
ing
t
hem"
Me:"
No!"If
oundmysel
fsay
ingital
oud,
IthoughtI
wasthi
nki
ngbutmymouthbetr
ayedme
Grams: "
Whatdoy oumeanno?y
oudon'
thav
easay
i
nNt okozo'
sli
fe"
Me:"
IknowthatGogo,butIwon'
tst
andher
eand
al
l
owy out
okill
Ntokozo.Youcan'
tki
ll
her
!"

Asl
apl
andedonmycheek

Grams:"Iam sorr
ybutIwon'tst
andhereandli
sten
t
oy outalki
ngshit
.Ntokozoi
smychi l
d,youarej
ust
ahobot hatIpi
ckedfr
om thestr
eet
sandal r
eadyyou
wanttot el
lmewhat'
sgoodf ormeormychi l
d?"
Me: "
I'
m sorr
yGr amsbutI..I'
mj ustscar
ed,If
earfor
herli
fe.If
earthatshewon' tmakei t
.IknowI'
m an
outsi
derbutmyi nst
inct
sdon' tall
owmet ol
etyoulet
thedoctor
sdot his.
..Pl
easegogo"

Gr
amst
urnedandl
ookedatt
hedoc
"CanIcal
lhermotherandasktal
ktoheraboutt
his?
Will
sheli
vewitht
hebul l
etwhi
l
eIdiscussthi
swit
h
hermother
?"

Doc:"I
ntheli
neofmywork,i
tispossi
blesi
nceshe'
s
i
nhospital
.Soyesi
t.
issaf
ebutonceshe'sst
abl
ewe
wil
lremoveit
"
Gr
ams:
"Ar
eyousur
ethatshewon'
tdi
e?"
Doc:
"ThatIcannott
ellyou,
butitseemsli
keher
i
mmunesy stem i
ssoli
dsoy es,
she'l
lli
ve.
"
Gr
ams:
"CanIseeher
?"
Doc:
"Not
hat'
snotpossi
ble,
wedonotal
l
owv
isi
tor
s
i
nherwar
d."
Gr
ams:
"Cool
,I
'l
lcomebackbef
oremi
dday
"
Doc:
"Thanky
ouf
ort
rust
inguswi
thy
ourchi
l
d"
gr
amsnodded
Grams:"
Comelet'
sgoKhensani
,don'
tfor
gett
hat
youhav
et obat
handeat
"

Shesmi
l
edaswewentout
.

Gr
ams:
"You'
vegotbr
ainsy
ouknow?
"
Me:
Ilaughed"
Whydoy
ousayt
hat
?"
Gram: "
Imeany oumanagedtomaker econsi
dermy
deci
sion,Iwasn'
tthi
nki
ngstr
aight,
Ihavetotal
kto
hermom beforetaki
ngsuchdecisi
ons"
Me:"
Yesspeakingofher
,It
hinky
oushoul
dcal
lher
andl
etherknow"
Gr
ams:"
Shewon'tcome.SoIdon'
twanttowast
e
myti
mewhil
eI'
veseri
ouspeopl
etocall
"
Me:"
Won'tshebl
amey oufornotcal
l
ingherwhen
somet
hingbadhappens?
"
Grams: "
There'
snofuckenshitthat
'sgoingt
o
happensot hankyouforyoursuggesti
onsbuti
t
wasn'tneeded"shest
artedtheengineanddrov
eof
f.

Idi
dn'texpecthertogoof fli
kethat,butIwast r
ying
tohel
p.Let'slookonmysi dehere,
Nt okozo'smot her
wil
lblameheri fsomethinghappenst oNt okozo.
That'
swhyIam suggest ingthatshecal l
sher ,she'l
l
deci
deonherownwhet hertocomeornot .That '
s
whatIwast ryi
ngt osay,shemustatl eastknowt hat
herdaughterisinhospit
al.

WhenIar r
ivedhome,
Iwenttotookashowerand
gotincomfortabl
emater
nit
yJean,t
hatIboughtt
he
otherday
.

Grams:"Khensi
comeandeat
,yourt
rai
nerwi
l
lbe
herei
nlessthan30mi
ns"
Ishruggedmyarms,whattr
ainer?It
houghtshe
abortedthedr
ivi
ngl
essonssinceNtokozi
'
sisin
hospital
.

Andbesi
des,
itwasabi
tear
ly.Pr
obabl
y7am

Me: "Whattrai
nergr ams?"Itookmycer ealbowl and
ate,honestl
yIwascr avi
ngforachaarandv inegar
pap.ButIdidn'twantt obeseenasungr at
efulbit
ch,
Iatethecerealt hatshegav emeev enthoughI
couldn'
tstandt hem.Theyt ast edsoawf ul
,Icould
feelmy sel
fgettingnauseat ed.Iquickl
yranand
grabbedabi nandt hrewupi nit,ev
enifIrantothe
bathroom Iwoul dn'tmakei tontime.

Gr
ams:
"makesur
ethaty
oucl
eant
hatup"
Me:
"Iwi
l
l"Ist
oodandwentt
ori
nsemymout
h
Grams:"Whydi
dn'
tyout
ell
met
haty
oucan'
tst
and
cereal
s?"
Me:"It
houghtI
'
dst
omacht
hem,
butmybabywas
agai
nstit
"
Grams:
shef
rowned"
any
wayy
ourt
rai
neri
sonhi
s
way"
Me:
"It
houghtwewer
eput
ti
ngt
hatonhol
d!"
Grams:"No,whyyouputy
ourl
i
feonholdbecauseof
Ntokozo?5He'
stheonewhori
skedherl
if
eafterI
'
ve
t
oldhertonotg..
."
"
Itol
dhert
onotgoal
oneatni
ght
"
Me:"
Mmm, letmegoandt
hrowthi
sout
"Itooka
pl
ast
icandwentt
owheret
heythr
owthetr
ash

_
___
___
__
#Vel
ba

Iwasbusydoinglaundr
ywhenIwomanIdon'
t
recogni
zeent
eredtheyard.
Shewasbeaut
if
ulIwon'
tl
ie.
Shewaswi
thababyboy
,pr
obabl
yKhensani
'
sage.

Her
:"Hel
l
o"
Shegr
eet
ed.
Istoodupandlookedather
,Idon'
treal
l
yknowher
,
I'
veneverseenherbef
ore
Me:
"Hi
..
.I'
l
lgogety
oucr
ates"
Iwentandgott
hem cr
atesandsatdownwi
tht
hem
Her:"
I'
m sorr
yforjustbudgi
ngi
nyoury
ardl
i
ket
his
butIam desper
atelyi
nneed"
Me:
"HowcanIhel
pyou?
"
Her
:"Whathappenedt
here?
"sheaskedpoi
nti
ngat
MamaKhensani'
shouse
Me:
"Ev
ery
onear
oundher
eknowswhathappened
t
her
e"
Her:
"Ireaditonthepaper
sIwant
edt
obel
i
eveso
badthatitwasn'
ttr
ue"
Shewasget
ti
ngal
lemot
ional
Me:
"Whoar
eyou?
"
Her
:"Iam John'
swi
fe"
Icov
eredmymout
hinshock
Me:
"MamaKhensani
isJohn'
swi
fe"
Shet
ookoutadocument
s
Her
:"Ihav
epr
oof
"
I
twasi
ndeedt
her
e
Me:"How.
..HowcomeIdon'tknowyou?I
'
vebeen
John'
snei
ghbourf
oryear
snowandweonl yknowof
mamaKhensaniashi
swife.Theyweremarr
ied"
Her
:"MamaIam mar
ri
edt
ohi
m.Thi
shousei
smi
ne"
Isi
ghed.I
twasal
ott
ost
omach
Me:
"But
..
.I,
Idon'
tknow"
Me:"
Ididn'
tknowJohnhadaf amil
yher e.See,John
wasatradi
ti
onalman,hemadesur ethatIneverset
myfoother
ebecauseawi feshoul
dstayhomewhi l
e
t
hehusbandisinJohannesburgworki
ng"
Me:"
Johnhadaf
ami
l
y.MamaKhensani
,Khensani
andGugu"
Me:
"Idi
dn'
tknow"
Her:"
Ihonest
lyt
hinkyoushouldgotalkt
omama
Khensanii
npri
son.Youcanvisi
thertomorr
ow.
Vi
sit
orsareal
lowedonThursdaysonly"
Her
:"Wehav
enopl
acet
ost
ay"
Me:
"Icanaccommodat
eyouf
ort
heni
ght
"
Her
:"Thanky
ou"
Me:"
Hewasat
err
ibl
ehusband"Icoul
dn'
tkeepi
tto
myself
Me:
"Her
apedKhensani
,a22y
ear
sol
d"
Her
:"NotmyJohn"

#Shor
t

Tobecont
inued
HERSTRUGGLE

Chapt
er26

#Khensani

"Therei
saher
bthatcanhel
pher
?"Theol
dwoman
said
Me:
"Whather
b?"
Her
:"
ComeI
'
llshowy
ou"
Istoodupandwalkedtoher.Shei
sastranger
,I
don'tknowwhyIt
rustedhersomuchthatIeven
decidedtof
oll
owher.
Her
:"
Unl
ockt
hedoor
"
Idi
dansf
oll
owedher
..
.

"
Khensani
!!
!"Someonegr
abbedmyar
m.
Fuck!I
twasgr
ams.
Ihadbeensl
eepwal
ki
ng,
itwasst
il
ldar
k
Her
:"
Wher
ear
eyougoi
ng?
''
I
ttookmeawhi
l
etof
inal
l
ygetbackt
oreal
i
ty.
Iwasi
nmypj
s,Idon'
tev
enknowwher
eIwasgoi
ng.
Ihadopenedt
hedooral
ready
Her
:"
Wher
ear
eyougoi
ng?
"
Me:
"I
..
.Idon'
tknow.
."
Idon'
treal
l
y.
Her:
"Youcannotjustwakeupint
hemi ddl
eofthe
ni
ghtandjustdeci
detowalkandandtellmeyou
don'
tknowwher eyouweregoi
ng!
!That'sbul
l
shit
Khensani
!!
"

Iwasconf
used
Her
:"
Wer
eyout
ryi
ngt
orunawayf
rom me?
"
Me:"
Nono.
..Ipr
omi
segr
ams,
Idon'
tknowwhat
's
goi
ngon"
Shel
etoutaheav
ysi
gh
Her
:"
Gobackt
osl
eep!We'
l
lspeaki
nthemor
ning!
"
Shel
ockedt
hedoorandt
ookt
hekey
s.
Idon'
tknowwhatr
eal
l
yisgoi
ngon.
.

.
..
"
Wakeup!
'Gr
amsshookme.
Isatupst
rai
ght
Her:
"Youhav
etocleanthehouseandgetr
eadyf
or
yourdri
vi
ngl
esson.
."Isatupst
rai
ght
Her
:"
Wer
eyout
ryi
ngt
orunawayl
astni
ght
?"
Me:
"Nogr
ams,
Idon'
tknowr
eal
l
ywhathappened"
Her:
"Ihopeyouaret
ell
ingt
hetrut
h.Ify
ouar eti
redof
l
eavi
ngi nmyhomer at
hersaysothantryt
or un
awayfrom me!"
Shewassocol
dtowar
dsme,

Ifreshenedup.Lastni
ght
'sdr
eam di
stur
bedme
though.IneededsobadtoknowwhereIwasgoi
ng.
Whatwoul
dhav
ehappenedt
ome

#MamaKhensani

"Asambesi
boshwa!
!!
"Thepr
isonwar
derpushedme
out.

Thisi
smyli
fenow.
.soonerorl
ater
,I'
l
lhav
etoget
usedtoi
t

AwomanIdidn'
trecogni
zewassi
tt
ingont
he
benchesont
hevi
sitor
sside.
Shel
ookedatme.
Isatopposi
teher
Her
:"
Sot
hisi
syourl
i
fenow"
Me:
"Whoar
eyou?
"
Her
:"
Whydi
dyouki
l
lhi
m?"
Me:
"Whoar
eyou?
"
Her
:"Yout
ookhi
m awayf
rom me,
from hi
schi
l
dren
why?Whywouldyoudot
hat
?"Shesobbed.
Shetr
iedstandi
ngupt
ograbmebymyclothesbut
thewarderwasqui
ckt
ocomebefor
eherandstop
her
Her:
"Howdoy
oufeel
now?Howdoy ouf
eel
sleepi
ng
knowingy
out
ookaninnocentl
i
fe?
"
Iwasst
il
lshockedt
oev
ensayany
thi
ng.

Astr
angerwasher
evi
sit
ingmeandweepi
ngr
ighti
n
f
rontofme.
Me:
"What
..Whatar
eyouonabout
?"
Her:
"Howdar
eyouactl
i
key
oudon'
tknowwhatIam
t
alki
ngabout
"

Me:
"I
..Idon'
tknowwhaty
ou'
ret
alki
ngabout
"
Her
:"
John,r
ememberhi
m?Themany
oubur
ntal
i
ve,
myhusband"
Me:
"Okay
,Ir
eal
l
ydon'
tknowwhaty
ou'
reonabout
"
Her:
"Iseehel
i
edt
oyou.Letmet
ell
yousi
sIam hi
s
wif
e"

Sothatfoolwaspl
ayi
ngmeallal
ong?Heactedli
keI
wasonlyhisfami
ly
.Il
ookedather
,shockedbywhat
shesaidtome.
Buthewascapabl
eofdoi
ngany
thi
ngandev
ery
thi
ng.
Hewasamanwi t
hnoconscienceatal
l
.Ifhewoul
d
rapehi
sownst
epdaught
erthenwhatmor ewoul
d
hedo?

Her:
"What?Soyou'r
ejustgoingtost
areatmeand
saynohi
ng?"Isnappedoutifit
Me:"
Iwouldn'
tj
ustchoset
obur
namanIl
ovedal
i
ve,
hedeser
vedit!
'
Her
:"Iam taki
ngev
erything.I
'l
lfi
xtheshackandstay
t
herewi t
hmyson.I'l
ltakealsohisli
fei
nsurance
money "
Me:
"ohhhehadl
i
fei
nsur
ance?That
'sgood"
Her
:"
You'
rear
esoev
il
"
Me:"
Youwon'tunder
standwhatIdi
d,sopleasesave
thel
ectur
eforsomeonewhocaresbecauseIdon't
.I
didwhatIhadto"
Her
:"
Youki
l
ledmyhusband"

Me:
"Iam sosor
rybuti
twasbey
ondmycont
rol
"
Her
:"Hel
lyesi
twas.Youshoul
dhav
ejustl
ethi
m
go.
"
Me:"
Arey
ouhear
ingyour
sel
f?Youwant
edmet
olet
hi
m goawaywi
thrapej
ustl
i
kethat
?"
Her
:"
Whydi
dn'
tyour
epor
thi
mifher
apedy
ourchi
l
d"
Me:
"i
twascompl
i
cat
ed.Youwon'
tunder
stand"
Her
:"
You'
l
lpayf
orwhaty
oudi
dtohi
m.Mar
kmy
wor
ds"
Me:"
Dowhat ev
ermakesyouhappy
,Iam t
ir
edof
f
ight
ing"shestoodupandwal
kedout
.
Thewar
derpushedmebackt
othecel
l
.
Tomyhome.Iwassl
owl
ybutsur
elyget
ti
ngusedt
o
i
t.
..

#Khensani
.

Iwaseatingpapwi t
hact har.Thedr eam hadbeenin
mymi ndsinceIwokeup, Idon'tknowwhati tmeant.
Whatherbswasshet alkingabout ?WhywasIev en
fol
lowi
ngher ?Idon'
tknowt heoldwomanshehad
dreadl
ocks,theycoveredherf ace,Icoul
dn'tact
ual
ly
seeher.Thiswaswor ryingme.

Iwasshownofmymot herget
ti
ngshotanditt
urned
out
,itwasNt
okozo.Wasthedream t
ryi
ngtoshow
meofsomethi
ng?
Ihadal
otofunanswer
edcompl
i
cat
edquest
ions.
Ineededsobadt
ogett
heanswer
sbut
..
.
Iwasdeepinmyt
hought
swhensomeonet
apped
myshoulder
.

Hi
m:"
Sor
ryIdi
dn'
tmeant
oscar
eyou"
I
twasVusi
,theguyt
hatwast
oteachmehowt
o
dr
ive.
Me:
"Noi
t'
sfi
ne"
Ismi
l
ed.
"
Letmewasht
hesesot
hatwecanst
artwi
thour
l
esson"
Him:"
Okay,l
etmegoandst
artt
heengi
nesot
hatt
he
batt
erycanwarm up.
."
Inoddedandgotof
fthechai
r.

"mygirl
thi
sisgoi
ngtobealongday !Butpl
ease
holdonokay,Mommyissti
ll
goingthroughthe
most"Isai
drubbi
ngmybell
y.I'
vecomet oaccept
thatt
hebabyisnotgoi
nganywhere.Iri
nsedthe
pl
ateandwentout
side.

.
..
.
WedrovetothegroundwhereI'
ll
belearni
ngther
e.I
t
wasnotthathar
dwedi df
iveroundstoday.

.
..
Vusi
:"
Youdi
dgood.Iam pr
oudofy
ou"her
aisedhi
s
hand
Me:"Thankyou.Andthankyouf orbeingpati
entwi
th
me"honestlyhewaspat i
enthedidn'tshoutatme
fordoingi
twrong,whichI'
vefoundoutt hathe'
sso
humbleandbubblytobear ound.
Vusi
:
"Sowe'
redonefort
heday,tomor
rowwewil
lgo
tomall
andseehowsyourdr
ivi
ngskil
l
ssofar
"
Me:
"Arey
ousur e?
"Iwasn'
treal
l
yreadyt
odr
ivet
o
mal
l,I
'
vejustst
art
edtoday
.

Ist
il
lhav
etol
ear
nhowt
heyoper
ateont
her
oad
Vusi
:"
Don'tworr
y,I
'
vegotabookher
e.I
twi
l
lteach
youal
ltheroadrul
esandsi
gns"
Me:
"Okay
,thanky
ou.ButIwon'
tfi
nishi
tsoon"
Vusi
:
"Iunderst
and,you'
ll
readitwheny
ou'
rebor
edor
somethi
ng.Iam notpushingy
ou"
Me:
"Thanky
ou"

Wegotinsidet
hecaranddrov
ebackhome.I
twasa
Ki
aPicantowhit
eincol
our.

Vi
si:
"Okayletmer
ush,
I'
ll
seey
out
omor
row"hegav
e
measi dehug.

Iwal
kedbackinsi
det
hehouse.Gr
amswasal
ready
wai
ti
ngatthedoor

Grams:"
Ohh,Iwasaboutt
ogoandseeNt
okozo.You
cantagalongi
fyoudon'
tmind"
Me:
"ineedt
owearsomet
hingmor
ecomf
ort
abl
e
t
hough"
Gram:
"Okay
,youcanwearNt
okozo'
sleggi
ngs
t
here'
snoprobl
em"

Inodded.

Thedr
ivet
ohospi
tal
long,
qui
etandbor
ing.
.
Ihav
en'
taskedgr
amsI
fshespoket
oNt
okozo'
s
mom.
ButIr
eal
l
yhopedandt
rust
edshedi
d.

Thedoctoraskedt
oseegr
amsbef
orewewal
ked
i
nsidet
heI CU

ShespokesomethingaboutNtokozobei
ngina
cri
ti
calcondi
ti
onandfeari
ngthatshemightnot
survi
ve.
Shewasactual
l
ybraindeadandshef earedt
hatnot
perf
ormi
ngtheinci
siontotakethebull
etoutwoul
d
causemorehar
mt oherhealth.
Iwaswor
ri
edr
eal
l
y.

Now,itwasuptousI
fwewer
ereal
l
ysi
gni
ngher
deat
hwar r
ant
.
Shewoul
dandshewoul
dn'
tsur
viv
ethi
s.
Pr
aywi
thus.
..

-
--
--
--
-
Gramsall
owedmet
oseeheral
one.Shet
oowast
oo
st
ressed.

Me:"Pleasent okozo,youhav etopul l

through.Pl
ease
youhav et ofightandrecover,don'tyouwantt osee
mybaby ?Playwi thher?Iam surei ti
sgoingtobea
gir
l,soy ou'l
lhavet owakeupsot haty oucandress
herandandt eachherhowt hewor ldis!ButnoI
don'
twhatagir
l.Whatift
heyalsodowhatt
heydid
tome?Thisworldiscr
ueltobri
ngababygi
rl
,whati
f
Iwon'
tbeablet
ot eachherli
kewhatmamadid?
..
.

Si
gh

PleasewakeupNt okozoIneedy ou.Ineedyour

hugsandy ourl
aughIalsomi ssyourscent.Imi
ss
ourfri
endshi
p"Iwipedmyt ears.

"
Ntoko.
.z.
opl
ease"
"
Gett
heher
bs!Fi
ndt
heher
b"av
oicewhi
sper
ed.

Il
ookedar
oundt
oseewhosai
dthat
.
Ther
ewasnoone.
.
JustNt
okozoandIi
nther
oom.
"
GETTHEHERBS!
!!
"Agai
n.
It
hinkI
'
m goi
ngcr
azy
.

GETTHEHERBS!
!!
"

I
twasscar
y,Iqui
ckl
ygotoutoft
hewar
d.

Iranoutoft hehospit
alrubbi
ngmyearsitwouldn't
goaway .LastlyIhear
dacarhooterandthescratch
ofcartyres.Reali
tycr
eepedinwhenIreal
isedthatI
wasaboutt obei nvol
vedinanacci
dent,
thecarwas
abouttohitmef orthesecondti
me.Theper songot
offthecar,itwasanoldman.

Me:"
Iam r
eal
lysor
rybut.
..Idi
dn'
tseewher
eIwas
goi
ng"myheadwasthrobbing.
Thiswassoexhausti
ng,
mybodycan'
ttaket
he
confusi
onany
mor e
Him:"
Nextt
imepleasecheckwher
eyou'
regoi
ng.
Justbegl
adIIsawy ouonti
me"
Me:"Thank,canIpleasegetal
i
ftIdon'
tmeanto
off
endy ou.
.please"myheadwasspinni
ng.Iwasn'
t
thi
nkingstr
aight.
Him:
"You'
renoti
ntheri
ghtst
ateofmi
ndsi
s.You'
re
conf
usedwhat'
swrong?"
Me:
"Tha.
.nk"Ist
utt
ered"
youf
oraski
ng"
Hi
m: "
Okay,comeI
'
lldr
opy
ou,
youwi
l
lgi
vemet
he
di
rect
ions"
Me:
"Okay
"

Ihadtogowit
hhim.IknowIdon'
tknowhi
m, y
ou
don'
tgeti
nsomeone'
scaryoudon'
tknowbutIdi
dn'
t
haveachoi
ce.Thev
oicescoul
dn'
tgoaway.
Ineededtogetoutofher
e, Idon'
tknowwhere
gramsis.ButIrememberthatI'
velef
theratt
he
doctor
'soff
ice
Myf
atei
sinhi
shands
HERSTRUGGLES

Chapt
er27

#Khensani
.

Theoldmaneventual
lydiddropme.Ithoughthe
wasgoingt
odosomet hi
ngbadbutIwaswr ong,
not
al
lmenarethesame.Somehav egoodintenti
ons
whil
esomedon't
.Ireali
sedthatnotal
lmenar ethe
same.

WhenIar r
ivedathomeIsatatt hever
anda.Ikepti
n
hear
ingthescaryv oi
ces.Ij
ustwasfeel
ingali
ttl
ebit
di
zzy.Somet hi
ngwasf ight
ingmetostandupand
gowherethev oicestol
dmet ogo..

Ishookmyheadbutitwasn'
tdisappear
ing.Iqui
ckl
y
stoodupandwentoutsi
detotheroad.
Idon'tknowwhybutIf ol
l
owedit,
itwasl
eadi
ngme
totheforest
,thef
orestever
yoneinTembi
sawas
scaredoff.
.
Icoul
dfeel
herhai
rsont
hebackofmyneckst
and.

ItookoffmyshoesIfeltli
keIwasr unni
ngsoslow.I
keptonfoll
owingthevoiceunt
ilIsawav er
ygreen
darkbushthathadredleafs

Ideci
dedtotaketheleaf
s,Idon'
tknowwhatIam
taki
ngthem f
or,butt
hepersonwho'ssi
ckis
Ntokozo.Whi
chmeantt hoseher
bswereforher
.

Idon'
tknowwhattheher
bsweref
orbutmy
i
nsti
nctstol
dtoboi
li
tandtr
yandgiv
eitt
oher
Iwon'
ti
gnor
ethem.
.

Isshemysoul
mate?Not
hat
'snotgoi
ngt
ohappenI
am notal
esbi
an.
Imanagedt ofindasmal ldam anddr ankwat er
.I
washungr y
,thirst
yItookoffmyt -shi
rtandputt he
herbsinsidethei t
.Imanagedt odr i
nkwat erIdi
dn't
carewhet heritwascleanornot ,Iam pregnant
runni
ngi ntheheatf oralotofkil
omet resisri
sky.

#Nt
okozo'
smom.

Ihadtohearfrom Mthandazo'
sneighbourt hatmy
daughteri
sinhospit
al.WhatdoesMt handazot ake
mef or
?Wear etal
kingaboutmychi l
dwhati fshe
haddied,soshewasgoi ngtoburyherwi thout
i
nformingmeorany thi
ng?Thisispur er i
dicul
ous
andmadness.Noper sonwhoi sri
ghti nhis/her
mindwoul ddothi
s.Ipackedfewcl othes,Ihatethat
Ihavetoletmybossknowt hatI'
l
l beawayf orfew
days.

Me:
"Ml
unguWami
(gi
ggl
es)
"Ipl
acedt
hecupofa
cof
feeont
opoft
het
abl
e
Hi
m:"Whatdoy ouwantCl
ara(t
ookof
fhisspecks)
"
t
hat'
sthenameheuset ocal
lme.Hegav
emei t
whenIarr
ivedhere
Me:"
Youseemyboss.Mydaught
eri
sathospi
tal
,he
wantme.Iwantt
obether
eforhi
m"
I
'veneverbeengoodI
nEngl
i
sh,
heev
ent
ual
l
ygot
usedtoit.

Hi
m:"
Sowhatwer
eyousuggest
ing?
"He'
sanBoer
.
Me:
"May
be3day
sof
f?"
Iwaspr
ayi
ngi
nmyhear
tthatheagr
ees
Him:"
Okay,Iam goi
ngtolety
ougobecauseofyour
daughter
.She'
sbeauti
ful
"hesippedhi
scof
fee
Me:
"Yes,
Iagr
eewi
thy
out
her
e.She'
sat
tract
ive"
Ismi
l
ed.
Iwasgladt
hatheagreed.Hopeful
lyhe'
l
lbeabl
eto
takecar
eofhi
mselfwhileIam away.
Iwentt opi
ckupmybagandsai dmygoodby es.He
evengav eme100f ortaxifare,
todayhewasi ngreat
mood.He' susuall
ymoody ,healwayswanttof i
nd
mi stakeinmesot hathecangetsomet hi
ngtoshout
for!Iam justgladthattodayhe' snotgr
umpy ,he'
sso
racist,butIdon'tt
akehi sinsult
sinmyhear t
.Iam
gladt obeget t
ingmoney .

Iarr
ivedatSowetoandimmediat
elywentto
Mthandazo'shouse,Shehast
oexplai
n,whydi
dshe
keepquietaboutthi
s?.

Her:
"Andthen?Whyar
edoy
oubar
gei
nmyhouse
wit
houtknocking?
"
Me:"
Knock?Mthandazothat
'sthel
astthi
nginmy
mindri
ghtnow.Iheardt
hatNtokozoisinhospi
tal
"I
pl
acedmybagonf loodandlookedather

Her
:"
Yes,
shei
s.Shewasshotatmapony
amal
l
"
Me:"Andyoudidn'
tseetheneedtot
ellme.Myown
daughterwasshotMthandazoandyoudon'
ttel
lme
that
?"
Her
:"
Youwer
enotgoi
ngt
ocomeGl
ady
s"
Me:"Howsurear
eyou?Wear etal
ki
ngaboutmy
daughter
'sl
i
feher
e.You'
resel
fi
sh"
Her:
"Sel
fi
sh?Gladl
yswouldyouhavecomeIfIhad
t
oldyouthatyourdaught
erwasshot?Whenhave
youevercome?"
Me:
"Mt
handazo.
."
Her:
"St
opbeingpar
anoi
d,nowyouknow.Gety
our
f
latassup,
let'
sgoandseeher
"
Me:"You'
ref
ullofnonsenseMt handazo,
just
becauseIam notri
chy oudidn'
tseethereasonto
tel
lmeaboutmydaught er
?Whati fshediedheh?
"
Her:
"Wait
,don'
ttr
ytopi
nthi
sonmymoney.It
old
youtocomeandwor kwi
thmeandwhatdi
dyou
say?
"
Me:
"Youwantedmetoworkundery
ourwi
ng?That
wasnotgoi
ngtohappen"
Her:
"YouchoseitGlady
s.Nobodychosey
ourl
if
e,
youdidi
tony ourown.Youwantedtowor
kfort
hat
whit
eman"
Me:
"Ihadt
ookay
,,Nt
okozowasst
ruggl
i
ng"
Her:
"That
'sbul
lshi
t.Let
'sgo"shepi
ckedhercat
key
s.

If
oll
owedhert
kthecarandwedr
ovet
othehospi
tal
.
Imanagedt
oseemybaby
.Shel
ookedsopal
e,her
ski
nwassodry
.

Shehadj
ustgoneoutoftheat
remomentsagot o
taket
hebull
etout
.Theoperat
ionwassuccessf
ul.
Shewasjusti
ncoma.

Ital
kedt
oher
,thoughshewasi
ncoma,
Ihopedt
hat
shewoul
dhearme.

"
I'
vebeenabadmot
herIknow.You'
vebeent
hrough
t
hehel
landi
twasal
lbecauseofme.
Iknowbabyt hatwecanf
ightt
his.Fi
ghti
tforme.
Fighti
tforus."

Iapologizedf ornotst ayi

ngwi t
hher .Fornotbeing
ther
ef orherwhensheneededhermom t hemost .I
wasasel f
ishmot herIknow.Iwasn' ttherewhenmy
daughterhadherf i
rstperi
ods,Icouldn'tseeherf ace
whenshedi scov eredthatherbreastwer egrowi ng.
Togivehergi rl
'
sadv i
ce.Shelostherv ir
gini
tyatan
youngage, becauseofMRI !Idi
dn'ttellhertostay
awayf rom boy s.Shehadt odoanabor ti
onbecause
ofmeagai n!Iam abadmot her,Idon'tdeserv
e
Ntokozo.Shedeser vesabettermot herthanme.

#Vel
ba

Ithoughtaboutthi
s,mamaKhensi wil
lbehappy
whenIt el
lheraboutmyi dea.Itookabasi
noutside
theshackandbat he.Iam goingtosharemyideas
wi
thher
,hopeshel
ikesthem.Iam justsoeagerof
st
ayi
ngwit
hGugu.She'sabri
ll
iantchil
d.

IsawKhensani'
smotherbei
ngaccompaniedbya
pri
sonwarder.Shewasokayforasomeoneinjai
l
.
Shelookedsopeacef
ul,
shewasn'tbot
heredatal
l.

Me:
"Hey
,howar
eyouhol
dingup"
Her
:"
I'
ll
bef
ine.Thanky
ou"shesai
dsmi
l
ing.
Me:
"Okay
,soIwast
hinki
ngofadopt
ingGugu"
Her
:"
Ohh"
Me:
"Yes,
Iwantt
orai
seherf
ory
ou"
Her
:"Oncey
ouadoptherI
'
llnotbeseenasher
mother"
Me:"
Butwhenyougetoutofher
eyou'
l
lbeabl
eto
seeyourchi
l
d"
Her
:"
Ireal
l
ydon'
tknow"
Me:
"Looksi
s,someonewedon'
tknowwi
l
lcomeand
adopther
.Doy
ouwantt
hat
?"
Her
:"
Nono.Okayt
heny
oucan"
Me:
"Thank,
letmehav
emywayout
"
Her:
"Wai
t(gr
absmyhand)Pleaseaftery
ou'
ve
adopt
edher,
lookaf
termychil
dplace"
Me:"Iwil
lIpromi
se,
I'
mjusthopingthesoci
al
workerswill
seemeasfitenoughtobeherfost
er
par
ent."
Her
:"
Thanky
ouv
erymuch"

Istoodupandwenthome, I
'
llt
akecar
eofGuguas
mine.She'
sabr i
l
li
antchil
dbythelookofitmama
Khensiwil
lcomeoutafter20ortenyearsbythen
she'l
lbeworki
ng.I'
l
lbegetti
ngmoneyf orrai
singher
,
butthat
'snotwhatIam adopti
ngherfor.

#John'
swi
fe.

Thef
uner
alpl
anni
ngwasgoi
ngwel
l
.Hewi
l
lbe
bur
iedathome,WellIl
eftVel
ba'
sshackIam stay
ing
wit
hmysi st
eri
nTembi saKaal
font
ein.Al
lIhav
eto
doistogoandclai
m John'smoney.

Me:
"Si
s,I
'
llbeonmyway
"
Her
:"
Okay,doy
ouhavethedocument
s?"Imadesur
e
t
hatIhav
ehisIDcopi
es
Me:
"Yessi
s,pl
easel
ookaf
terNkosi
"he'
smyson
Her
:"
Okay
"

Iwentassopul
wher
eIwasgoi
ngt
ocl
aimt
hef
unds.

Me:
"Goodmor
ning"Igr
eet
edt
her
ecept
ioni
st
Her:
"Mor
ning,
wel
comet
oassupol
howcanIhel
p
you?
"
Me:"
Ohhmyhusbandpassedaway
,Iam her
eto
cl
aim hi
sli
fef
inds"
Her
:"
CanIpl
easehav
ehi
sdeat
hcer
ti
fi
cat
e"
Me:
"Okay
"
.
..
.
Af
tert
ypi
nghi
snameandsur
nameshel
ookatme.

Her
:"
Arey
ouJoy
ceNgobeni
?"
Me:
"Nosi
s.Iam Si
l
viaMokwena"
Her
:"
Iam sorr
y,wewill
onl
yrel
easet
hef
undswhen
t
hebenef
iciar
ysign"
Me:
"I
sJoy
ceNgobeni
thebenef
ici
ary
?"
Her
:"
Iam af
rai
dyes"
Me:
"Howwi
l
lshesi
gn?She'
sinj
ail
"
Her:
"I
'l
ldothecopi
es.You'
l
lgoandgiv
ehert
osi
gn
andpleasedonotfor
gethesi
gnat
ure"
Me:
"Iwon'
tthanky
ou"

AfterIr
eci
evedthecopi
esIwenthomedefeat
ed.
Howcanj ohndothi
stome?Af t
erever
ythi
ngIdi
d
forhim,i
sthi
showher epayme?
Chapt
er28

#Johns'
swi
fe

Iam frust
ratedbywhatJohndidtome.Howcanhe
l
eftthatwomensomuchmoneywhi l
eheknowt hat
hehasawi f
eandasonbackathome?He' sso
self
ish,heknowst hatIam t
heonewhohast obury
him.Idon'thaveacentt ogi
vehi
m adecentfuneral
.
Iwasbusydr i
nki
ngcof f
eewhenmysist
ercome
i
nside!

Her
:"
Sisdon'
tst
ressy
our
sel
f"
Me:
"HowcanInotsi
s?Thatbust
ardl
eftmewi
tha
f
uneral
topl
an"
Her
:"
Plusy
ouhav
etogobackhomet
omour
n"
Me:"
Iknow,that'
swhyIam here.Ican'
tgoback
homewithoutmoneyt oburyhi
m.Iam hiswif
eit
's
myresponsi
bili
tytoburyhi
m"
Her:
"Buty
oucangot
opr
isonandbegt
hatwoment
o
si
gn"
Me:"Whatnever
.Youwantmet
ogoandact
desper
ate?"
Her:
"you'
renotact
ing,You'
redesparat
esi
s,y
ou'
rei
n
needofthemoney, l
eaveyouratt
it
udeher
eandgo
topri
son"
Me:
"Ican'
tokay
"
Her:
"Ohh,soyou'
llgobackhomewit
houtacent
?
Youhavenothingsis,
witht
hatmi
ll
i
onyou'r
egoing
tobenefi
tal
ot"
Me:
"your
eckon?
"
Her
:"
Yes,
justgo.Si
tt
ingher
ewon'
thel
patal
l
"
Me:
"Okay
"

Iwentt
otakeabat
h.

(
Atpr
ison)
Me:"
Sawubonasi
s"shewasi
rr
it
atedy
oucoul
dtel
l
byherf
aci
alexpr
essi
on
Her
:"
Ohhy
oubackt
othr
eat
enme?
Me:
"Nono.Iam nother
efort
hat
"
Her
:"
ohh"shel
eanedov
er
Me:
"SoJohn'
sli
fef
undswassupposedt
ocomeout
"
Her:
"Whyar
eyoutel
li
ngmeal l
oft
his?Iam not
i
nter
estedi
nJohn'
sfuner
al"
Me:"NoIam notherefort
hatsis.You'
rethe
benef
ici
ary
"shehal
flaughed"Iam desper
atel
yin
needofyoursi
gnat
ure"
Her
:"
Mysi
gnat
ure?Sor
rybutIam noti
nter
est
ed"
Me:"Please,t
heleastyoucandoistosignand
r
eleasehi smoneysot hathecanhavedigni
fi
ed
f
uner al.Pl
easeIam beggingyou"
Her:
"Look,
Johnhasadaughterokay
.Ijustcan'
tsi
gn
overthemoneytoyouwhatwil
lmygi r
leat?What
wil
lshewear?"Sheaskedl
ooki
ngstrai
ghtinmy
ey
es
Me:"
Iunder
standaboutt
hat
,wel
lIcangi
vey
out
he
hal
fofthemoney"
Her:
"Look,mydaughteri
sint hehandsofsocial
workers(sont
angmor aba)contactthesocial
workerandgiv
eherhalfofthemoney .Ineedherto
supportmydaughterwit
hit,shemustnotsuf ferand
Iwanty out
omakesur eofit"
Me:
"What
?I.
..I
..
"
Her
:"
Pleasej
ustdot
hatI
'
llsi
gn"
Me:"
Howwi
l
lIgi
vehert
hemoneywi
thouty
ou
si
gni
ng?
"
Her
:"
Drawt
hecont
ractwher
ewear
ebot
hagr
eei
ng
i
nthi
s"
Me:
"Thi
sisgoi
ngt
otakel
otoft
ime"
Her
:"
Okay,wel
lsomeone'
swi
l
lbewat
chi
ngy
ou.I
'
ll
makesur
eofthat"
Me:"
Ipr
omiseI'
ll
dowhaty
out
oldmet
odo.Just
si
gnthepaper
s"
Her
:"
bri
ngt
hem"

Shewentt
hroughpaper
swhi
l
esi
gni
ngonebyone.

Her
:"
PleasedowhatI'
veaskedy
ou"sheputt
hem
i
nsi
dethebrownenvel
ope"
Me:
"Ipr
omi
se.Thanky
ouv
erymuchsi
s"
Her
:"
sur
e"

#Mamakhensani

IknowwhatIdi dwassel fi
shofme.ButIam a
human.Iknowt hatshewon' tgi
veGugusome
money,butIdiditbecauseJohnl ef
tason,he
deser
vesaf uneralev
ent houghwhathedidis
unfor
giv
able.

#Vel
ba.
Iam goingtothewelfcare,Iam goi
ngtot al
kwit
h
sont
ot hatIam asuit
ablefosterpar
entforGugu.I
cantakecareofher.IworkIhav emyownshack.
Thatcanboostmychancesofheragr eeing.

(
Atsoci
alwor
ker
sof
fi
ces)

Me:
"Hey
,goodmor
ning"
Recpt
:"
Hel
l
o.Wel
come"
Me:
"Thanky
ou,
Iam her
eforMr
ssont
o"
Recpt
:"
Okay,
mamay ou'
rel
uckyshe'
sfr
ee.ComeI
'
ll
showyouherof
fi
ce"
Me:
"Thanky
ou"
.

Sonto:
"Okay,t
hankyouNal
edi
youcancl
oset
he
doorony ourwayout
.Goodmorni
ngmama"
Me:
"Goodmor
ningmygi
rl
"
Sont
o:"
wel
lIam l
uckyt
odayt
oev
engety
ourv
isi
t"
Me:
"Hahaha,
sisIam her
eaboutGugu"
Sonto:
"OhhGugu(cl
osest
hebooksshewasbusy
wit
h)
Me:
"yes,
I'
dli
ket
obeherf
ost
erpar
ent
"
Sonto:
"Wel l
,noprobl
em buty ouknowt hatImust
fi
rstquesti
oneveryonecloset oyou,andyoumust
alsogiv
emey ourpersonaldetai
ls.Youmustknow
thatwheny ouhaveacr i
minal r
ecordyourofferwi
l
l
bedeclined"
Me:
"Okay
,Thanky
ou.
"
Sont
o:"
Nopr
obl
em,
sopl
easesi
ngher
eforme"
Me:It
ookaf
orm andf
il
li
nmyper
sonal
det
ail
s"Al
l
done"
Sont
o:"
Okay
,ex
pectus"
Me:
"Thanky
ou"
Sonto:
"Yourwel
come"shest
oodupand
accompinedme"
Khensani

Yest
erdaywhenIsl
eptmybodywast hr
obbingwith
pai
n.Ionl
ywenttotakeabat
handsleepitoff,
Iwas
soti
redtoevengr
eetmamantokozo.Idi
dn'teven
eat

Iwasbusyf ol
dingmycl otheswhent
heideaof
tel
l
inggrandmot herabouttheher
bscomestomy
mind.Iqui
cklystoodupandwentout si
de,If
ound
herbusypuffi
ngoutci gar
ette

Me:
"Goodmor
ninggr
ams"
Her
:"
Khensani
"
Me:
"Canwet
alk?Pl
ease"
Her
:"
Okay
"
Shethrowawaytheci
gar
ett
eandt
ookacr
atesso
thatwecansi
tdown.

Me:
"So,
Ihadadr
eam"
Her
:"
Comeonkhensani
ever
ybodydr
eams"
Me:
"Iknowbutnott
hatnor
mal
dream"
Her
:"whatdoy
oumean?
"
Me:"
Okayi wasshownsomesor
tofher
bst
hatwi
l
l
hel
pntokozotocomeback"
Her
:"
Khensani
whatdoy
oumean"
Me:"
Ithi
nkIfoundawayt
hatwecanbr
ingourgi
rl
backtol
ife"
Her
:"
Youwantt
ofeedmychi
l
dher
bs?
"
Me:
"Idon'
tknow,butIwasshowni
nmydr
eamst
hat
t
heywill
helpher
"
Her:
"Youarenotgoi
ngt
ofeedmychi
l
dyour
nonsense"
Me:
"Butgr
ams,
wedon'
thav
eanopt
ionatt
he
moment
"
Her
:"
Idon'
tcar
ekhensani
.You'
renotgoi
ngt
odoi
t"
Me:
"Wel
li
twasj
ustasuggest
ion"
Her
:"
Idon'
tcarej
ustdont
."Shest
oodupandwent
i
nsi
dethehouse.

Idon'thaveachoi cebuttodoi twithouther

knowl edge.I
tisworthat r
yi sn'
ti
t?She'llhav
et o
forgivemebutNt okozi'
slifeisi
nmyhands, Iwon't
beabl etoforgi
vemyi fshedi eswhileIknowt hat
there'
spossibil
it
iesthatItheherbsmi ghthelpher.
I'
llhavetocallVusitodriv
emet ohospitalwit
hout
gramsknowi ng.Ihav etodot hi
s,Idon'tknowwhat
she'll
dot omewhenshef oundoutaboutt hi
s,butit
i
swor thatry
.

Itooka1l
it
reofcocacol
aandfil
li
twi
tht
heher
bs
andwentt
ochangemyclothes.

Me:
"HeyVusi
.It
'skhensani
"
Hi
m:"
Ohhheysi
s.HowcanIhel
pyou?
"
Me:
"I
..wel
lcany
oupl
easegi
vemear
idet
ohospi
tal
"
Hi
m:"
Wher
e'smt
handazo?
"
Me:"
WellIam goi
ngwi
thoutherper
missi
on.Idon'
t
wanthertoknow"
Hi
m:"
Idon'
tknowkhensani
"
Me:
"Pl
easeVusi
,Ineedy
ourhel
p"
Hi
m:"
Whathappenedt
otaxi
s?"
Me:
"Ican'
ttakeat
axi
okay
"
Hi
m:"
Cool
,I
'l
lbewai
ti
ngf
ory
ouatPaki
stanshop"
Me:
"Thanky
ouv
erymuch"

There'
sonethinglef
tformetodo.Tel
lherwhereI
am goi
ng,I
'l
ljustsayIam goi
ngt
odomyhai r,
I'
ll
fi
ndanexcusewhenIcomeback.

Me:
"Gr
ams"
Her
:"
Khensani
don'
t"
Me:"
No,
Iwon'
tpr
essur
eyou.Iam goi
ngt
odomy
hai
r"
Her
:"
doy
ouneedmoney
?"
Me:
"NoIspoket
othel
ady
.I'
l
lpayonceIgetmoney
"
Her
:"
Yousur
e?"
Me:
"Iam t
hanky
ougr
ams"
Her
:"
Okay
"

Ismi
l
edandwentt
owher
eVusi
waswai
ti
ngf
orme.

Vusi
:
"Pleasewhengr
amsf
oundoutaboutt
hisdon'
t
menti
onmyname"
Me:
"Iwon'
tIpr
omi
sev
usi
.Iwon'
tbet
rayy
oul
i
ke
t
hat
"
Vusi
:
"Sohav
eyour
eadt
her
ules?
"
Me:"That
'si
nsaneVusi
.HowcanIr eadther
ules
over
nightandgoti
t?That
'snopossibl
eIsti
l
ldon't
haveli
cence"
Vusi
:
"Okay
,it
'sj
ustt
hatnt
okozowasaf
astl
ear
ner
"
Me:"
Wel l
wear enotthesame"Ibuckl
edt
heseat
bel
t,andlookoutsi
de.
.
.

WhenIarr
ivedathospi
talIquickl
ywenttoNtokoz
i'
s
war
dandclosedthedoor.Imadesur ethatnoone
wasfol
l
owingme.Iquickl
yt ookoutthebottl
e.

Me:"
PleaseforgivemeNt okozobutIam doi ngthis
tohelpyou.IknowImi ghtputyourl i
feindangerbut
Iam alsodoingthist
ohelpy outowakeup"It ook
offt
hingthatwasi nhismout h(Idon'tknowit'
s
name)Iwaspr ayingthatthemachi nedoesn'tmake
asound.Iwasshaki nginfearofwhatIam doi ng.
Hermout hcamei ncontactwiththebot tl
e.

Voi
ce:"
Whatthehel
lar
eyoudoi
ng!
"Thebot
tl
efell
down.Il
ookedupandseewhowasint
hedoor.
HERSTRUGGLE

CHAPTER29

Khensani

Ist
oodst
il
lwhenshewal
kedi
n.Ir
eal
l
ydi
dn'
tknow
whatt
osay.
Isuddenl
yfel
tgui
l
tyf
orgoi
ngagai
nstherwor
d.
Ishoul
dn'
thav
e..
Sheslappedmesohar
dthatIal
mostf
ell
.I'
venev
er
seenhersoangr
y..

Me:
"Ahhh"Iam usedt
opai
ns,
butt
hisonewasj
ust
t
oomuch..
Grams:"Imadei
tcl
earyouf
oolt
hatIdon'
twanty
ou
t
of eedhershi
twhatdi
dyoudo?Doyouwanttokil
l
mychild?"
Ikeptqui
et.Tear
sthr
eat
enedt
oescape.
Gr
ams:"Iam t
alki
ngtoy oudammi
t!
"Sher
oar
ed
whi
lepokingmyforehead
Me:
"I
..
.Ihadt
odot
his.
..I
'
m sor
rygr
andma"
Grams:"
Itookyoursel
fi
sh,
ungr
atef
ulassi
n
Khensani
.Isthi
showy out
hankme?Bykil
l
ingmy
ownfamily"
Me:"
No..
.Idon'
twanttokil
lher,
Idon'
tint
endkil
li
ng
her
.IwasdoingwhatIthoughtwasri
ght.
.I'
m sor
ry"I
sni
ff
ed
Grams:"You'
reluckyyouarepr
egnant.Iwon'
tharm
you.Butifshediesorsomethi
ngbadhappenst oher
,
you'
llhavemet odealwit
hKhensani!
!"Shewas
angry.Veryangry.
Me:"Yesifshediesorsomethinghappenstoher,
you'
lldealwit
hme.Idon'tcarewhet hery
oufeedme
todogsorany thi
ng.Iam gi
vi
ngy oumybodyy ou'
ll
dowhat everyouwantwithi
t.Justallowmetohelp
herplease"Idon'
tknowwhyof feredmybodyjust
l
ikethatbutIhadaf eel
i
ngthatthiswouldwork
Gr
ams:
"No!
"
Ikneeledi
nfr
ontofandhel
dbothherhands.I
f
begginghert
oall
owmedot hi
stohel
pherdaught
er,
thenIwoulddoit
..
"
PleaseGrams.Doy
ouwanttomakemama
Ntokozohappy
?Tel
lmedon'
tyouwantt
hat
?"
Gr
ams:"
Idon'tknowKhensani
whati
fyourher
bs
makest
hingswor se"
Me:"
Ipromiseitwon'
t.Nt
okozowi
l
lwakeup!Iam
cer
tai
nlysure"
No,
I'
m not
..
.
Gr
ams:"Justknowthati
fsomethi
nghappenst
oherI
won'
thavemer cyonyouKhensi
"
Me:
"Iknow,
thanky
ou"

Iquickl
ypickedt
hebot
tl
eup,l
ucki
lyt
her
ewaslit
tl
e
herbslef
t.Gramswasonthewat
choutIqui
ckl
yfed
her.
Lor
dIpr
ayt
hatt
hishel
ps.I
'
vewal
kedmi
l
esand
mil
esjusttofi
ndt
heherbt
hatt
hev
oicehasbeen
whi
speringtomeabout
.
I
'
vepromisedmyli
fetoGr
amsifany
thi
nghappens
t
oherdaughter
.It
rust
edmyi
nsti
nct
s.Lor
d..
..

Me:"I
t'
scl
eargr
amsy
oucancomei
n"If
ixedher
sheets
Gr
ams:
"Soumm whathappensnow?
"
Me:
"Idon'
tknow.Iguesswewai
t"
Gr
ams:
"Cool
"shewal
kedout
.

IguessI'
llhavetocal
lVusitocomeandpi ckmeup,
becausegr amswasangryIdon'twanttomakeher
mor eangry.Hopef
ull
ythatherbhel
psNtokozo
becauseIwontbeabl etoforgi
vemyselfknowing
thatIki
ll
edher.Yesifshediesitwoul
dbemyf ault
!

TWODAYSLATER
#John'
swi
fe

Thatwomant houghtwrong.Whoam It ogiv

eup
R500000t oabust ar
dchildjustl
iket
hat
?Iam nota
fool.Whent hebanknot if
icationgoti
ntomyphoneI
couldn'
tbelievei t
.Ievenpost edi
tonmyWhat sApp
statusevent houghnooner epli
edbutIwant
edt o
showt hosegossi pingwomenathomet hatmyman
l
ef tsomethingf orme.Myownhusband.

Me:"Idon'tneedafishcasket!Myhusbandleft
mill
i
onsf ormewhywoul dIburyhimi nt
hatthi
ng!"I
am gladthatMhangav ezaisgoingtogiv
emeaf ull
healt
hycow, t
hat'
sgonnabedel i
veredonThursday.I
wast al
kingwi t
hthefuneralpar
lour
s.
Hi
m:"
Iam sor
ryma'
am.
"
Me:"Nodon'tapologi
zejustmakesurethatIgetthe
coff
inthatIwant."Iwaslooki
ngforsomethingthat
's
gonnaattractnei
ghbours!Iwantt
hem toknowt hat
myhusbandwasnother einJoburgtoplay.Ial
so
hi
redast r
etchtentthat
'sgonnaaccomodat e
i
mport
antpeopl
e.Li
kemotherinlaw.Yesy
ouhear
d
meri
ghtJohn'
smotheri
ssti
llal
iv
e
Si
s:"
Youst
il
lbusywi
tht
hef
uner
alar
rangement
s?"
Me:"y
essis"Iwaspl
anni
ngi
tusi
ngmyt
abl
et.I
boughti
tyester
day
Si
s:"
Ist
il
lthi
nkt
haty
ouneedt
oinv
esty
ourmoney
"
Me:"
Forwhat
?1mill
i
oni
sal
oti
fmoneyt
ocov
erme
andmysonforal
i
fe"
Si
s:"1Mi l
l
ioni
snothi
ngmyl
i
ttl
esi
ster
.Af
tery
ou'
ve
fi
nisheddon'
tcr
ytome"
Me:
"Iwon'
t,
I'
ll
begoi
ngt
obuyacart
oday
"
Si
s:"
What?Ain'
tyout
oooldf
orthat?Justsav
esome
moneyfory
ourson.You'
l
lst
ruggl
ewhenhehast o
gotouni
ver
sity
"
Me:"NSFASi
sal
way
sher
etopr
ovi
def
orchi
l
dren
l
ikehi
m"
Si
s:"
Okay
,si
syoucangoandbuyacarIdon'
tknow"

Ir
oll
edmyey
esandf
li
ppedov
ert
het
abl
et.Ev
eni
fI
cangetAKiaOpti
mait'
sf i
ne,butIhear
dthatthecar
costf
ort
unebutIwantthatpastor
'swif
etolookout
mewithragei
nhereyes!Wecanal sobuycarson
ourown.

#Vel
ba

TodaySontoiscomingover.I'
l
l beret
urni
ngwi thher
tothehomesoIcanspeakt oGuguandt el
l herthat
I
'veappl
iedtobeherfost
erpar ent.Hopeshedoesn't
getangrybecauset
heyalsoaskt hem whetherthey
wanttostaywithusornot.Ihopeshel i
kestheidea..

Ther
ewasaknock.
.

Me:
"heysi
s"
Sont
o:"
Goodmor
ningma'
am.Let
'sgetst
art
ed"
Shesai
dafterset
tl
ingont
hechai
randt
aki
ngouther
document
s
Me:
"ofcour
se.any
thi
ngt
odr
ink?
"
Sont
o:"
NoIam i
nahur
ry"
Me:"Okayl
et'
snotwast
eti
me"i
pul
l
edachai
rand
satdown.
Sont
o:"
Iam goi
ngtot
esty
ourst
atus.Vel
bay
ou'
re
comfor
tabl
ewitht
hat
?"
Me:
"Yes,
Idon'
thav
eany
thi
ngt
ohi
de"
Sonto:
'Youdon'thav
etodoi
tify
oudon'
twant
.You
havetherightt
osayno"
Me:
"Iknow"
Sonto:
"Ial
sogoingtochecky oursyst
em.Checki
f
youdon'tdr
ugsoralcoholIcan'tbr
ingGugui
na
placewhereshe'
ll
beintr
oducedt owhoonga"
Me:
"Cool
"
Sonto:
"Okay
,let
'sgetstart
ed.Pl
easesi
gnher
e"she
gavemepaper sthatIneededtosi
gn.

ThankGodIwasfoundnegati
ve,
webiteach
far
ewel
lasshewentout,
afteral
ongprocessof
dif
ferentt
est
sandpaperquestionnai
res.Shewasn'
t
goingtothewel
fare.SoIam goingtogetataxi
,I
tookmybagandl ockedthedoor.

.
..
..

Me:
"HeyGugu"
Gugu:
"Aunt
yVelba.Youcame"shehuggedme.She
washappytoseeme
Me:
"yesbaby
,howar
eyoudoi
ng?
"
Gugu:
"Iam goodaunt
y.Howar
eyou"
Me:
"Iam okaymychi
l
d,soI
'
veappl
i
edt
obey
our
f
ost
erparent"
Gugu:
"Real
l
y?Thanky
ou"
Me:
"Doy
ouwantt
ocomeandst
aywi
thme?
"
Gugu:
"Ido.Aunt
y"
Me:
"per
fecthowar
eyouhol
dingup?
"
Gugu:
"Iam enj
oyi
ngi
nher
eaunt
y.Idon'
tev
enbat
h
my
sel
f"
Me:
"t
hat
'sgood"
Gugu:
"ButIam ol
denought
obat
hmy
sel
f"
Me:
"you'
reachi
l
dher
einbabygi
rl
"
Gugu:
"Iunder
stand.How'
smamaandkhensani
?"
Me:
"t
hey
'r
egoodandt
heyal
somi
ssy
ou"
Gugu:
"Ial
somi
sst
hem aunt
y"
Me:
"l
et'
spr
ayt
hatIwi
nokay
"
Gugu:
"I
'l
lal
way
sputy
oui
nmypr
ayer
s"
Me:
"t
hanky
oumygi
rl
"

Tobecont
inued

Li
ke,
shar
eandcomment

FI
VEMONTHSLATER.
..
.
HERSTRUGGLE

°
CHAPTER30°

KHENSANI

5mont
hlat
er

Imanagedt ohel
pNt okozowi t
htheherbs,
the
doctor
swer eshockedast heysai
dshewasi n
cri
ti
calcondi
ti
ontomakei t,
butshedid.Noone
knowswhatwehav eher,exceptf
orgramsandI.

Ihear
dMom Vel baadoptedGugu.I'
l
lgoandseeher
aft
erIgi
vebir
th.Iam heavi
lypr
egnant,myfeetar
e
swoll
enIcan'
tevenrecognisemysel
f.Iam ugl
y!

Ihav
en'
thear
dfr
om khumbul
ani
sincet
hatday
.Ev
en
t
houghhewast r
endi
ngonsocialmedi
a,ther
ewere
t
wogirl
swhoalsoclai
medthatkhumbulanir
aped
t
hem.Idon'
tknowwherei
tendedbecauseIdecided
t
oexcl
udemy sel
f.

IcannowsaythatIcandr
ive,
perfectl
ybutIdon'
t
haveanli
cenceI
'l
lgeti
taf
terbir
th.Ican'
twaitf
or
nextmonth,
Iam 8monthspregnant.

Ntokozorespectedmywi shesonnotbeingal
esbian,
shealsothankedmef orsavingherl
if
e.Gramshas
beentreat
ingmesogood, shedoesn'
tal
lowmet o
goout.Sheclaimsthatiti
snotsafe.

Li
fewasj
ustgood.

Today,they'r
eplanni
ngababyshowerforme,which
Iam gratefulfor
.Thedecor
ater
swerebusywith
decorati
onsout si
de,Nt
okozoandherf
riendswere
cooki
ngi nside.
Mbusowasbusywi thmyf ace,Iam gl
adthatI
've
foundt hi
sfamily
.They '
vesuppor t
edmethroughit
all
,Iam gladthattheyareshowi ngmethelovethat
mymom f ai
led.I
'velear
ntal otofthi
ngsf
rom them,I
haven'theardanythi
ngaboutmamaIam sur eshe's
rott
inginjai
l.

Mbuso:
"Ohhy
ousai
dyouwanti
tnat
ural
l
y?"
Ismi
l
ed
Me:"
YesMbusoIam probabl
ysayi
ngt
hisf
ort
he
t
hir
dtime"Isai
drubbi
ngmybell
y
Mbuso:
"Idon'
twantt
omakeanymi
stakes"She'
sa
makeuparti
st.
Me:"Look,Ichosey
oubecausepeopl
ehav
ebeen
pr
aisingyouonFacebook"
Mbuso:
"Iknowgi
rl
"shel
aughed
Me:"
Sodon'
tsweat.
"Ifocusedonthemir
ror
.Iwas
al
sogonnadoaphot oshoot,
I'
vemanagedtoget5
out
fi
tst
hatIam gonnachangein.Gr
amsreall
y
out
didher
sel
fher
eandIam gr
atef
ul.

Igotinmypinkl
ongfl
oraldr
ess.Istr
uggl
edabi
t
thoughsi
nceIwasheavi
lypregnant
..

Ntokozo:
"Wow,Khensani
"shecompl
i
ment
edme
af
terI'
vetol
dhertocomein
Me:
"Thanky
ount
okozo"
Her
:"No,youneedacamer
afort
his.Comel
et'
sgo
out
side.
."
Me:
"No,
It'
snott
het
imey
et"
Her
:"
Okayt
henl
etmeshoother
e"
Me:
"Cool
"Iposedf
orpi
ctur
es
Her
:"
let
'st
akesel
fi
es"Idi
dal
lofpr
egnantposi
es.
"
Fri
endshi
pyou'
rehot
"
Me:
"Thanky
ouf
ri
end"wedeci
dedt
oset
tl
efor
f
ri
endshi
p
Her
:"
Okaysi
nceIam t
heMCIam goi
ngt
ost
artt
he
eventt
oodl
es"Il
aughedasshewentout.Idecided
tokeepmysel
fbusygoogl
ingpr
egnantpict
ures.

Whenitwasti
metogoIhadtooutthebackdoor
andgetint
hecar
,pr
etendt
hatIdi
dn'tknowaboutal
l
ofthi
s.

Vusi:
"SoIam goingtoopenadoorf
ory
ou.Pl
ease
khensaniputyoursel
finact
"
Me:
"Iknewv
usi
,j
ustgi
vemet
hebl
i
ndf
old"
Vusi
:
"Cool
"hegotoutandopenedt
hedoorf
orme.

Heheldmyhandaswemadeourwayi
nsi
dethe
yar
d,hel
etgoofmyhandandt
ookofmybli
ndf
old.

Me:"OMG!"Iscr
eamed.Iam notsureifpeople
beli
evedmyact,Iam pr
egnanttothr
owmy sel
fon
thefl
oor
Nt
okozo:
"Supr
isesi
s"shecameandhuggedme
Me:
"Guy
sthanky
ou!Thi
s..t
hisi
sbeaut
if
ul.
."
Iwasget
ti
ngallemot
ional
.Thepregnancytoo
pl
ayedi
tsrol
einthemixedemoti
onsshit.
Nt
okozo:
"I
t'
snot
hingcomeMommyt
obe.
"

Iwenttositonthebigchair
,Iwasgivenabel
tthat
waswr it
tenit
'saboy!Thedecorat
ionwason
anotherpoint
.Thecolour
swereblueandwhit
e.
Peopleweresitt
ingontopofpil
lowsitwasapicni
c
decorati
on.
Onthesidet hewasav er
ybigpict
ureofmybaby
scanandbl ue,gol
dandwhiteball
oonssurr
ounding
thepi
cture.Therewasatableofcake.Pr
esents
wereplacednexttothecake,t
hedecorat
ionwasso
beaut
if
ul

Me:"
Thanky ouver
ymuchgr ams.Iam r
eal
lygrat
eful
fort
his"Ist
oodupandhuggedher .Mom v
elbasent
apol
ogiesshecouldn'
tcome.
Gr
ams:
"Si
tdownandr
elaxsi
sthi
sisnot
hing"I
noddedandwi
pedmyal
readydr
iedt
ear
s
Mbuso:
"You'
renowgoi
ngtof
ightwi
thme"shecame
wi
thamakeupbagandf i
xmymakeup
Me:
"Sor
ry"Imur
mur
ed

Ntokozo:
"Okay,goodpeoplelet
'sstar
twit
hour
progr
am.We' r
egoingt ostar
twithapray
er,Idon'
t
knowhowgr amsf eelbutIwouldli
keyoutoopen
theeventwit
hapr ayer"
Gr
ams:"
Ithi
nkIneedadri
nk.Excuseme"sher
anof
f,
weal
ll
aughedatherpet
tyexcuse
Ntokozo:
"Looksl
ikeourgr
amsi safr
aidof
connecti
ngwithf
atherGod.Okaylet
'smov ebubu
youcanpr ayf
orus"she'
sNtokozo'sgir
lf
ri
end
Bubu:
"Okaylet
'scl
oseoureyes.Heavenl
yfatherwe
comebef or
eyouaswe'reabouttost
artwithour
event
.Pleasel
eadustonotallowanyevil
nessto
di
stur
busumm amen"
Nt
okozo:
"Babyy
oucan'
tal
sopr
ay"
Bubu:
"It
ri
ed"
Me:
"i
twasnott
hatbad"

Theeventcont
inuedwepl
ayedalotofgames,f
rom
bei
ngfedtobepuf f
edbyababypowder.Iwasalso
shownhowt otakecar
eofyourbaby.I
twasti
mef or
metogiveaspeech.

Me:
"Okay
,umm"
Cr
owd:
"Speechspeechspeech!
"Il
aughed
Me: "
Okay ,fir
stI'dl i
ketot hankgr amsf orwhatshe
did.Thanky ouv erymuch, ifi
twasn' tforyouIdon't
knowwher ewoul dIbe.Yout ookmei nasyourchi l
d,
i
nashor tper iodoft imey oushowedmehowl iv
e
withpeopl e.Your espectedmywi shes.Youbecame
mymom andmyf ather.Youwer eandal way sbeen
myshoul dert oleanon, youdi dn'tneglectmeev en
thoughIcamewi thal otofbaggage.Youshownme
l
ov esomet hingt hatIdidn'tknowi texists.I
fitwasn't
foryouI'dbepr obabl ydead!Ly ingsomewher eina
pool ofblood.You' r
eagodsentt hanky ouv ery
much.I '
lll
iveal lmyl ifeowi ngy ouandt hanky oufor
bei
ngpat
ientwi
thme.
"It
ookasi
t.

Wedrov
et osomelodgeforpi
ctur
es.Ichangedi
nto
t
hosedressesandposed

Oldpeoplelef
taft
ereati
ngandkidswer easl
eep,
it
wasagr ownpeoplepart
y .Ial
soaskedtobe
excused.Icoul
dn'
twaittoopenmypr esent
s.

#Khumbul
ani

AmandacameasIwasbusywat chi
ngsoccer
.I
couldn'tgooutforthepastf
ewweeks,people
want edmyheadIdeci dedtolayl
oweventhoughmy
fr
iendst ur
nedtheirbackonme.

Idi
dn'
tbl
amet
hem t
hough,
I1mwasser
iousl
ylosi
ng
mymind.
Iwassti
ll
seei
nggranni
eswhovisi
tedmewhenev
er
theywant
edtohauntmeaboutKhensani
.

I
'
vehadtolmuchepi
sodes,t
hisoneti
meIr anoutof
t
hecaraf
terseei
ngt
hem andpeoplethoughtIhad
l
ostmymind.

Theotherti
met oo,whenwehadbi t
chesoverfora
smallpar
tyandt hegr
anniesappear
edandIhadt o
shoutandjustcryandevery
onetoothoughtIhad
l
ostmymi nd..
I
twasj
ustf
uckedup

Amanda:"OhhmyGod,Khensani'
sbabyshower!
"She
excl
aimedandsatdown.Shedidn'
tevennoti
cethat
Iwaslookingather
Me:
"Real
l
y"

Ther
ear
enowor
dst
hatcandescr
ibet
hehat
eIhav
e
f
orKhensani

Amanda:
"Yes.Comeandl
ookatt
his.Wow"
Me:"
wheredi
dshegetthemoneytodoababy
shower
?"Shehasbeenstal
ki
ngherf
acebooksi
nce
monthsago.
Amanda:
"Well
Idon'
tknow.I
t'
snotmybusi
ness,
I
j
ustwanthert
ogivebi
rt
handsteal
herchi
l
d"
Me:"
Productofr
ape?Comeonyoucandobet
ter
"I
st
oodupandwentt owashmyplat
e
Amanda:"
Ain'
tyout
heonewhomadet
hatpr
oduct
?"
Sheshout
ed

#Vel
ba

Li
fewasgood.Ifi
nal
l
ymanagedt ogetGugu.She
washappy.Andhadalr
eadygot
tenusedtoli
vi
ng
wi
thme...
Iwassupposedt
ohavegonet
othebabyshowerbut
Icoul
dn'
t,
Guguwasn'
tfeel
i
ngtoowel
l.
Si
ncei
nthemor
ning.
Iwasget
ti
ngworri
edabouther
,hertemperat
urewas
j
usttohi
ghandshehadbeensleepi
ngsinceinthe
morni
ng

"
GuguIgoty
ouPanado.
."Isai
dwaki
ngherup

Shesatupst
rai
ghtandIhel
pedherdr
ink
Me:
"Howar
eyouf
eel
i
ngnow?
"
Sheshr
ugged
Me:
"Youwi
l
lbef
inenana"
Her
:"
Idr
eamtofKhensi
..
"
Me:
"Whatwasi
nthedr
eam?
"
Ihav
egrowntotakemostofherdr
eamst
ohear
t,
mostoft
hem dohappen.
Li
kewhenshedreamedofKhensi
holdi
ngasnake
andplayi
ngwi
thi
t,i
tmeantshewaspregnantandi
t
happened.
Ist
il
lwonderwhoMadeherpr
egnant
,cani
tbeJohn?
Her:"
Shewasr unni
ngint
heBushholdi
ngablack
teddybearandshouti
ngformyhel
p..
"Icoul
dseeit
dist
urbedher.
.
Iheav
edasi
gh
Me:
"It
hinki
tsbecauseyoumi
ssher
.I'
l
lspeakt
oher
sowecanvisi
therokay
? "
Shenodded
Ihuggedher
.Iwasr
eal
l
ywor
ri
ed.

#Khensani
'
smom

"
Mommy ,i
t'
smeagain.Ihopey ouarestil
ldoingfi
ne.
Aunt
yVel
baandIaresti
lldoi
nggr eattoo.Sheasked
metowri
tethel
ett
eraft
erIreceiv
edy ours.Imiss
you.
Khensani
isst
il
ldoi
ngjustfi
ne,
sheinvi
tedaunt
ie
Vel
baandIforherbabyshower.Il
oveyou.
"

I
twasaLet
terf
rom Gugu.
Iwi
pedmyt ear
s.Herl
ett
ersar
ethrr
easonI
'
m st
il
l
hol
dingon.
I'
m afraidt osayl if
ehasbeenbet ter.Lifeisnever
bett
eri nside.Somet i
mesIj ustfeellikeI'mlosingmy
mind..Ev erydayi sthesame.Seei ngsamepeopl e
every
day ,goingt hroughoner outinedaily.
Somet imessl eepingwi t
hapai nfulbodybecauseof
thebeat i
ngsy ouhav eendur edfrom t heprisoner
s.
Orevenhav i
ngt of orcef
ull
ybecomesomeone' s
boyfr
iendj usttosat i
sfythei
rsexual needs.

Si
gh.
..

Iwon'tl
i
e,i
tsbeeneightmonthssinceI'
vebeen
i
nsideandI'
m sti
l
lfaci
ng16y ear
swi t
hnopossibil
i
ty
ofparol
ebutIcannotgetusedtotheli
feinsi
de.
Allt
hatkeepsorkeptmegoi
ngaremyki
ds,
Ijust
couldn'
twaitt
ogetoutandr
ect
if
yal
lmymistakes.

"
Siboshwa!
!!
!!
!"Thewar
dershout
ed.

I
twast
ime.
.

#Khensani

Afterpacki
ngmybaby '
sclothesinabag,Idecided
topackmi nejustincaseofanemer gency.Ij
ust
neededt ogetreadyeventhoughIwashel lt
ir
ed.I
hadbackpai n.Idecidedtogoandgetwat eritwas
sti
llgoi
ngonout sideIam sureNtokozoandher
fr
iendswer eprobablywasted!Thenoiset
oo...

Whi
legoi
ngtogetsomewater
,gr
amswasar
gui
ng
wi
thsomeonei
nherroom.
OhNt
okozo!
Ideci
dedt
oeav
esdr
op

Ntokozo:
"Nograndmotherwearenotgoi
ngtodo
t
histokhensani"t
hat
'swhatcaughtmyatt
enti
on
Grams:
"I
'l
lnotbackupnowbecauseofsi
ll
ycrush
youhaveonKhensani
.Wearegoingtodoitand
dit
chher"
Ntokozo:"
Whyareyousocr
uel
?Huhyouhear
dher
st
oryy ousti
l
lwantt
oaddmorepai
ntoher
?"
Theywer
eshout
ing.
Grams:
"Look,
Ispental
otofmoneyont
hatgi
rl
.I'
l
l
notl
oseit"
Ntokozo:"Soyour
eall
ygoingonwithyoursi
ll
yplans?
Youreallygoi
ngtotakeherchi
ldandkil
lherand
makei tseem ast
houghshecommi tt
edsuici
de?I
gasped.Ihavetogetoutofthi
shouse,now!
Gr
ams:
"Justgetoutofmyr
oom"

Bef
oreIcant
urnandr
un.Nt
okozoopenedt
hedoor
,
Il
ookedstrai
ghtathereyesandt ur
nedaround.I
qui
cklywenttograbgramscarkey sandabag.
ThankGodIpackedmycl othes.Ial
sograbbedmy
phone

Iusedt hebackdoort or
un,whenIwasaboutto
starttheengi
neNt okozoandgramscameout
holdingguns.FuckI'
veleftt
hemoneythatIhav
e
buried!

Tobecont
inued

Pl
easel
i
keshar
eandcomment
HERSTRUGGLE

CHAPTER31

#Khensani
.

Iconcentrat
edont heroad.Event
houghgunswere
stil
lgoi
ngon, Iam sur
epeoplehadalreadyr
anfor
theirl
iv
es,Iwassoscar edformyli
fe.Thisi
snott
he
kindoflif
eI'
vedreamedof .

I
fIdon'tmakei tt
othepolicest
ationit
'st
heendof
mylif
e.Iwaspr obabl
ygoingtodieandmeetJohn.
Justaft
erI'
vethoughtthatever
ythingwasgoi
ngwell
wit
hmyl if
e,thenthi
s?

Whyshoul
ditalway
sbemet
hatgoest
hroughal
lthe
har
dshi
psofli
fe?
WhydoIal
way
shav
etof
acechal
l
enges?
whyme?
Ar
ethi
smySTRUGGLES?
WhatdidIdotodeserv
ealloft
his?Whywoul
dli
fe
dest
roymeliket
his?Tear
swereblocki
ngmyway.

Icoul
dn'
tseecl
ear
lyIr
atherdi
eonmyownt hanl
et
gramstakemychi
l
d.Iwasshakingsobadl
y.
..
Itookthegravel
roadtryingtolosethem.ButIwas
wrongwear etal
kingaboutNt okozohere,she'sa
fastdri
verandIam suret hel
ightsi
ndicat
edt hatI
wasaboutt otur
n.Beinganxiousandscar edmade
medr iv
estrai
ghttoat r
eeandhi tit
.Iwassodr owsy
,
Iheardthem r
unningtomycar .Thi
sistheendofme,
i
t'stheendofKhensani.

#Nt
okozo.

Grams:"Don'
t'
ttel
lmeshe'sdeadNt
okozoshe
can'
t"shewaspacingupanddown.
Me: "Stopexaggerat
ing.Letmecheckherpul
se"I
placedt wofi
ngersonherneck.Thepulsewasther
e
"Okay ,
I'v
efoundthepulse.She'
snotdead"
Gr
ams:
"Ohht
hankGod.Pi
ckherup"
Me:"waitgrams.Ar
ey ousur
eaboutt
his?Imean
Khensanisavedmylif
e,whyshoul
dwepunishher
l
ikethi
s"
Grams:"
Savemealect
ureNt
okozo.Youknewwhat
Iwasgoingt
odot
oKhensanithedayIt
ookheri
n."
Me:
"Butt
his.Thi
sisr
uthl
ess"
Grams:"Justgetheri
nsi
det
hecarbef
oret
hepol
i
ce
gether
e"
Me:
"you'
reev
il
"
Gr
ams: "
Ntokozo.Iam t
ryi
ngt
osav
emychi
l
dher
e
pl
ease"
Me:
"He'
snoty
ourchi
l
d"Ishout
ed
Grams:"Heis.Justgeti
tthr
oughy
ourt
hickskul
l
Khensanii
scarryi
ngmybaby "
Me:
"God!He'
snoty
ourchi
l
dgr
andma,
justaccepti
t
t
haty
oucan'
tgi
vebi
rt
h"
Gr
ams:
"Doesi
tmat
ter
?"
Me:"
Yesitmatt
ersgrams.You'
reaboutt
otake
someone'
schi
l
df orwhat
?"
Grams:"
Itookt
hischi
l
dinNt
okozo.If
edherand
cl
othedher"
Me:
"Ist
hishowshe'
sgonnar
epayy
ou?
"
Gr
ams:
"YouknowIcandot
hisal
one"
Me:
"okay
.Butdoy
oubl
amemef
ort
ryi
ng?
"
Grams:"Notatall
.Let'
sgetoutofhere"sher
anto
thedri
ver'
sseatasIpulledKhensani
'
sbodyshewas
tooheavybutIeventual
lymanagedtogethertot
he
backseat
.

I
nthecar
.

Me: "
Iam surethepol
i
ceareathomeri
ghtnow.let
's
gototherentedroom"gr
amsrentedar
oom forher
shadydeali
ngs
Grams:"
Cool.Pleasecalldoct
orDlomo.Hehast
o
makesureshe'sfitenoughforthecsect
ion
t
omorrow"
Me:"Doy
out
hinkshe'
sst
rongenought
obeart
he
pai
n?"
Gr
ams: "
Iam nott
hathear
tl
ess.I
'l
laskt
hedoct
o
gi
vehersomethi
ngtonumbt hepai
n"
Me:"hear
tl
essenought
otakeherbabyawayf
rom
her
"
Gr
ams:
"Iam noti
nthemood"

Whenwear r
ivedatPr et
oriaDanvil
l
e.I
twaslatethe
manwhor entedusr oom knowsaboutshady
deal
ingsgramsdo, hedoest hesamethi
ngstoo.We
gotheroutoft hecarandt ookhertot
heroom.She
wasquiteheav y,Idon'
tblamehershe'
spregnant.

Whenwear
ri
vedi
nsi
det
her
oom wef
ounddoct
or
Dl
omo
Gr
ams:
"Sur
e"
Hi
m: "hey.Andthen"hesaidpoi
nti
ngatKhensi
'
s
l
if
elessbody.IswearifIhadapowertosaveherI
'
d
doit,butmyhandsar eti
ed
Gr
ams:
"Thi
sist
hegi
rlI
'
vet
oldy
ouabout
"
Him:"
Okay.Sowhathappenedt
oher
?Whydi
dshe
passout
"
Gr
ams:
"shehadasmal
lacci
dent
"
Him:"
okay.Buty
ouknowthatwedon'
thav
eenough
equi
pmenttodothecsect
ion.
"
Me:"
WhichiswhyI'
veaskedmyboy
stoget
ev
ery
thi
ngthatyou'
l
lneed"
Hi
m:"
But
..
."
Grams:"
Nobut sDlomo.Ihavemywaysofmaki
ng
thi
ngshappen.Iam notgoi
nghometoni
ght
,we'
re
gonnawaitforhert
owakeup"
Me:
"Nogr
ams.Iam dr
unkandsl
eepy
"
Grams:"y
oucansleepont
hef
loorNt
okozo.You'
re
noteventhatdr
unk"
Me:
"Iy
hoo"

Thenextmor
ning

#Khensani
.

Iwokeupi nanunf amil

iarr
oom.Ihadakill
er
headache.Icouldn'
tmov e,
myhandsandl egswere
ti
ed.Iknewwhathappenedt omeandIknewt hat
theygotme, honestl
y,t
herewasnothi
ngthatIwould
do,cry
ingwon' thel
pme, cr
yingwon'
tgetmeoutof
herebett
erIkeepmymout hshutandletGod'
swill
bedone...

Idon'
thaveanythi
ngt ocryfor,I'
vereali
zedthatI
don'
tdeserveanyt
hinggoodi nmyl ife.Idon'
t
deser
vetobehappyl ikeotherpeople,Iam usedto
pai
n.Painfol
lowsmeev er
y whereit'
smysecond
name.I'
ll
notshoutorsayany t
hing,thi
sisnothing
comparedtowhatI'vebeent hrough..
.
Grams:
"Ohhheyyou'
reawake?Soyouwer
etr
yingt
o
r
unawayfrom meyester
day?
"Ikeptmymout
hshut.
Her
:"Look.Iwon'
tki
l
lyou"
Me:
"ThenWhatdoyouwantfr
om me?
"Iwashopi
ng
t
ohearhersayt
heopposi
te
Gr
ams:
"Yourbaby
.Theoney
ou'
recar
ryi
ng"
Me:
"I'
l
lnotgi
vey
oumychi
l
djustl
i
ket
hat
"
Grams:"
Wewil
lseeaboutt
hat"shesmi
rked.I
wantedt
opushherbutmyhandsweret
ied.
Grams:"SoIam goi
ngtocall
adoct
orsot
hatwe
canstar
twitht
heprocess"
Me:"Pl
easeGogodon'tt
akemychi ldawayf
rom me.
I
'l
ldoanythi
ngyouwantjustdon'tt
akemychil
d"
Tear
swereonthevergeofcomi ngout
Grams:"Iam sosor
ry.It
ookyoui
nbecauseIknew
youwouldgivemethisgif
t.
"shewhi
stl
edand
walkedaway.
Whyme?Whatdi dIdotodeserveal
loft
his?I
cl
osedmyey esandprayed,f
ort
hefi
rstt
ime.Father
,
hereIam bef
oreyourt
hronewit
haheavyheartand
scared.

Come, Lord,andfil
lmewithyourHolyPresence.Let
mer estandbeatpeace.Letmef eelyourprotect
ion.
Letmef eelasi fI
’
m undert
heshadowofy ourwings.
Safe,hi
dden, andsecur
einyou.Onlyyoucangi veit
andtakeitall.

Ipray
,Father,
pleasetakemyf earawayandgi veme
yourpeacethatsurpassesallunder
standing.You
knowt hatmyli
feisinyourhands.Myt rustandmy
hopeisony oualone,Father
.

Thanky
ou,
int
heNameofJesus.

Amen
WhenIopenedt
heywer
eal
ll
ooki
ngatme.

Me:
"Nt
okozoareyoureal
l
ygoi
ngt
olett
hem dot
his
t
ome?Ithoughty
ouloveme"
Her
:"Khensanipl
ease"Ideci
dedtokeepqui
etand
l
eavealloft
hisgoGod'shands.
Doc:"Okayssi
sIam goingtogi
veyout
hepill
thati
s
goi
ngt omakey ounotf
eelanypai
nAccel
erat
ed
Opioi
dDetox"Ikeptqui
etandcl
osedmyeyesasI
fel
ttheneedl
einmyskin.

Itoldmysel
fthatIam notgoingt
ocryfort
his.Iam
usedtopain,butIwasaskingmyselfwhywast hi
s
toomuch?Thepai nwasgoi ngst
rai
ghttomyheart!I
closedmyeyesagain.

Doc:"Hert
emper
atur
eisgoi
ngup.Herbodyi
snot
ready
"
Grams:"
No!Dl
omodoi
tnow!Idon'
tcar
ewhet
her
shedi
esornot
"
Doc:
"Wemi
ghtal
sol
oset
hebaby
"
Gr
ams:
"Justt
akechancesDl
omo.
"
Doc:
"Iam notaki
l
ler
"
Grams:"Justf
uckendowhatI
'
vepai
dyouf
or,
"she
saidpul
l
ingouthergun.

Arawscream echoedthroughther
oom asallmy
musclest
ensedandshook.Thei nj
ect
ionreckedmy
body
,mymi nd.Myt onguegrewheavyinmymout h.
Theworl
dfel
lawayastheunr
elent
ingej
ect
ionsang
thr
oughmyveins,
sweepi
ngawaymyl i
nger
ingfear
..
.
Theroom star
tedtogohazy,
andmybodymel ted
i
ntotheropesthathel
dme.Theworldstar
tedfadi
ng
aroundedges.
.myey esdr
oppedcl
ose.
..ever
ythi
ng
fel
laway..
.

#Nt
okozo

IsawKhensani
col
l
apsi
ng.Myhandswer
eti
ed,
I
couldn'
thelpclai
medt hatIlov
eherbutIam fai
li
ng
tohelpher.Herfacewassopal eshewasinso
muchpai n,t
hepainofl osi
ngherson!Iknowthat
whatgramsi sdoingisev i
l
.Ialsounder
standwhere
gramsiscomi ngfrom.

Me:
"She'
scol
l
apsi
ng"
Grams:"
Wel
lthat'
sgreat
.Wecant
aket
hebabyout
,
shewon'
tev
enf eelt
hepain"
Me:
"Andwhatar
ewegoi
ngt
odowi
tht
hebody
"
Gr
ams:
"Dumpherathospi
tal
"
Me:
"What
"
Gr
ams:
"ShutupNt
okozo.
"

Ideci
dedt
okeepmymout
hshut
!

#Gugu
Herdr
eam.
..

Ther
e'sdar
kness.Icanhearv
oicesbutIcan'
tseem
tomakesenseofthem.
I
'
mtr
embl
i
ng.
Sheneedsmyhel
p,Ican'
thel
pher
.Shehast
ohel
p
hersel
f.
..
"
Gugu.
..
"
OH!
!
AndIf
inal
l
yhear
dherv
oice,
mysi
ster
..
.
Iwant
edt
orunt
oherbutIcoul
dn'
tseeher
.Iwas
af
rai
doft
hedar
ktoo
Me:
"Khensi
ist
haty
ou?
"
Khensi
:"Hel
pme.
..
"
Me:
"Khensi
..
."
Her
:"Gugucome.
."
Me:
"Ican'
tfi
ndy
ou.Comet
ome.
."
Her
:"Ican'
tseey
ou.
."
Andt
her
ewasl
ouddi
stur
bingl
aught
er.
I
twasawoman,
Icoul
dseeher
.
Shecar
ri
edabl
ackt
eddybearandakni
fet
oo.
Shest
abbedt
het
eddybear
..
.Khensi
cri
ed.
Shestabbeditr
epeatedl
yandwi
theachst
ab,
Icoul
d
hearKhensi
'scr
ies.
Me:
"Khensi
!!
"
Her
:"Shei
shur
ti
ngme.St
opherGugu!
!"
It
ri
edr
unni
ngt
othewoman.
Herey
es.
..

Tobecont
inued
Li
ke,
shar
eandcomment
HERSTRUGGLE

CHAPTER32

(
SHORTandUNEDI
TED)
#Nt
okozo

Shewasunconci
ous.
.Dlomocall
edoneofthe
nur
sesheusuall
ydohisshadydeal
i
ngswit
h..
Shewaswithusintheroom.Al
ltheequi
pment
neededwasher
et oo.

Dlomo:"
NtokozoIneedy outoholdthisforme,make
sureyouwatchev er
ythi
ng.Wehav eonlyfif
teen
minut
est operf
ormt heC-sect
ion.Shehasbeen
i
nducedalready.
."
Heexpl
ained.
.
AsIt
ookt
heequi
pmenthehadgi
venme,
Iadj
ust
ed
t
heset
ti
ngl
i
kehej
ustsai
d
Iar
guedwit
hmyself
,Idon'
twantt
obeher
e,Idon'
t
wantt
otakepar
tint
his.
.
Nowrongat
ti
tude,
Ineededt
opsy
chmysel
fupf
or
t
hisr
isk.
.
Hi
m:"
Makesur
ethesaf
etyst
rapi
sokay
"
Nur
se:
"I
tis.
."
Dl
omo:"AndI
st heanest
hesi
agood?Weneedt
o
moni
torherv
italsi
gns"
Itookadeepbr
eathandtr
iedtot
unemyselfi
nto
themusicfr
om t
heradi
oplayi
ngsof
tl
yint
he
backgr
ound

Icoul
dnothaveimaginedhowthenextf
if
teen
minut
eswouldshaket hef
oundat
ionofmyv al
ues
andchangethecour
seofmyl i
fe.

Dl
omo:
"We'
reher
e..Icanseet
hebaby
.Nur
se!
!.
."
Myst
omacht
ight
ened
Nur
se:
"Nt
okozohowf
arar
ewe?
"
Si
l
ence
Gr
ams:
"Nt
okozo!
!!
'
Me:
"Sev
en.Sev
enmi
nut
es!
"Isnappedoutofmy
t
hought
s.
Dlomo:"
Thetubehasbeeninser
ted,
wear
enear
ing
thebabythebaby
'ssi
de!"
Ev
ery
thi
ngwasj
ustoutofhand
Dlomo:"
Thebabyhadn'
ttur
nedbuther
e..y
es,
its
here.
.5.
"
Thent
her
ewasal
oudcr
y..
Dl
omo:
"Theni
ddl
edr
iver
!!
"
Gr
amspassedi
t
Hi
m:"
It
'saboy
!!
!"

Myhear
tspedup,
timesl
owed.I
tjustf
eltsowr
ong
Idi
dn'
twantt
olookbutIdi
dn'
tst
opl
ooki
ngei
ther
.
Iwashor
ri
fi
ed.
.
#Vel
ba

Guguwasshaki
ngsobad.Ihadt
otakehert
othe
hospi
tal
.
Shewasi
npai
n,shekeptonpoi
nti
ngherabdomi
nal
area.
.

"
Gugut
alkt
ome,
howdoy
ouf
eel
now?
"
Her
:"
It
spai
nful
aunt
ie.
.'
Nur
se:
"Hasshebeenr
apedorany
thi
ng?
'
Ar
gh!
!
At
hingwi
tht
hisnur
ses!
!
Me:
"No.
"
Her
:"
I'
ll
cal
lthedoct
ort
oexami
neher
"
Shewal
kedout
..
Wehadbeeni
nthewar
dfort
hepastt
wohour
s.
Her
:"
Ihadadr
eam.Khensani
wasnotokay
"
Me:
"Doy
out
hinkt
hisi
sal
lbecauseofher
?"
Sheshr
ugged
Me:
"I
'l
lgoseeherokay
?"
Shenodded
Me:
"Dr
inky
ourmageu"
Sheshookherhead.

Ir
eal
l
yhav
etospeakt
omamaKhensani
aboutt
his.

#Khumbul
ani

"
Youseewhaty
ouhav
edonet
oourdaught
er!
!!
"
Thegr
anni
eswer
esoangr
ytoday
Me:
"Amandapl
easet
alkt
othem!
!"
Ikeptonpaci
ngi
nther
oom
Her
:"
Khumbul
ani
Ican'
tseet
hem!
"
Theywer
eabouttoatt
ackme,
Irant
oAmandaand
tr
iedt
ohidebehi
ndher
Me:
"Amandapl
easehel
pme!
!"
Her
:"
Khumbul
ani
stopi
t!
!It
sjustmeandy
oui
nthe
r
oom"

Theywer
eher
e,t
heywant
edt
oat
tackme.
Whoar
ethesewomen.
Ikneel
down
Me:
"I
'm sor
ry.
..I
'
m sor
ry!
!"
Amanda:
"That
'si
t,I
'
m cal
l
ingapsy
chi
atr
ist
"
Shet
ri
edwal
ki
ngout
.
Ir
ant
oher
Me:
"Amandadon'
tl
eav
eme.Theywi
l
lat
tackme!
!"
Her
:"
Khumbul
ani
leav
emeal
one!
"
Me:
"No.
."
Gr
an:
"Youhur
ther
!!
!"
Me:
"Idi
dn'
tmeant
o..I
'
m sor
ry!
!!
"
Amanda:
"Khumbul
ani
!!
!
Me:
"I
'm sor
ryI
'
m sor
ry.
..
"
Isobbed
Amanda:
"BabJef
f!
!!
"Ourgar
denguy
Amanda:
"Hel
p!!
!"

#Nt
okozo

Every
thi
ngwasdone.Idr
ovehertothehospi
tal
.She
neededanemer
gencycare.Ihat
edgramsfordoing
thi
stoher.
.
Idroppedherof
fatt
heemer
gencyent
ranceand
droveout.

Ihopet
hepol
i
cewon'
tgetonmyt
ail
.
Ihopeshewi
l
lbef
ine.
.
Ther
ewer
epol
i
ceathome.
Peopl
ewer
est
il
lar
ound.Mymot
hert
oo
Sher
ant
omeassoonasshesawmewal
kin
Her
:"
Ntokozowhathappened?
"
Me:
"Wewer
emuggedl
astni
ght
."
Ihopeshe'
l
lbuymyst
ory
Her
:"
Thepoli
ceneedt
ohav
eawor
dwi
thy
ou.Wher
e
i
sMthandazo?"
Me:
"Idon'
tknow.
."
Her
:"
Youdon'
tseem t
ofi
ne"
Me:
"I
'mj
ustt
ir
ed.
."
Don'
tcr
yNt
okozo.
.
Me:
"I
'mt
ir
edmama.I
'
llspeakt
othepol
i
cel
ater
"
Her:
"Wherei
sthegi
rly
oucamewi
tht
oseeme?
Khensani
?"
Me:
"Shei
swi
thgr
ams.
."
#Khensani

Iwokeupt
oawar
dful
lofpeopl
e.
Ihadpai
nonmyabdomi
nal
area.
..Phy
sical
pai
n.
I
twasunbear
abl
e..
Mybaby
..
Wher
eismybaby
.

It
ri
edsi
tt
ingupwi
thnosuccess,
Iwasi
npai
n.
Butt
hepai
nisnot
hingcompar
edt
owhat
'si
nmy
hear
t.
Iwant
edmybaby

"
Sheisawake,nur
se!
!"Oneoft
hewomani
nthe
war
dshouted.
Me:
"Iwantmybaby
..wher
ethehel
li
smybaby
..
"
Her
:"
Shh,
comedown.You'
l
lwaket
hepat
ient
s."
Me:
"Iwantmybaby
!!
!!
"

Tobecont
inued

Li
ke,
shar
eandcomment
HERSTRUGGLE

CHAPTER32

KHENSANI
.

Me:"Pl
easehelpme.Where'
smybaby
?"Iwas
pul
l
ingthenursewi
thheruni
for
m
Her
:"Letmego!Si
ssomeonedumpedy
ouher
e"
Me:"
So.Theyreal
lytookmybaby?"t
ear
sblocked
myeyeli
ds.Myhandswer et
rembl
i
nginshock,If
elt
t
hedrynessandcracked.
Her:
"Sowecl eanedscar
.Doy
oupr
obabl
yknow
whathappened?"

Me:"Ionl
ywantt
oseemybaby
.Ist
hatt
oomucht
o
ask?
"
Her
:"Okay
,I'
vecal
l
eddet
ect
ivemay
bey
ou'
l
lbeabl
e
t
oopenupt
ohi
m"
Ikeptquietwhi
l
eholdingmystomach.ThebabyI
waitedawhole8mont hstomeethi
m, mybabywas
takenfr
om mei nacruelway
.

Not
hingmat
ter
edr
ightnow.Ij
ustwant
edmychi
l
d.
Ihav
ehadthi
slongi
ngf
eel
i
ngofhol
dingmychi
l
dfor
thef
ir
stt
ime.
Justl
ooki
ngi
nhi
sey
es.
Hear
inghi
sfi
rstcr
y..
.
Br
east
feedi
nghi
mfort
hef
ir
stt
ime.
Icoul
dn'twai
t.
..Icr
iedsohar
d.Soloud,
sohardthat
Iwantedthet
ear st
omendmybr okenhear
tift
here'
s
such.

.
..

Imusthav
efal
l
enasl
eepaf
tercr
yingbecausewhen
Iwokeup,t
her
ewasamansi
tt
ingont
hev
isi
tor
's
bench.
..
Hi
m:"
Youar
eawake?
"
Ij
ustcoul
dn'
tsi
tupst
rai
ght
Hi
m:"
I'
m Det
ect
iveBut
hel
ezi
"
Me:"
Youhav
emysonwi
thyou?Tell
mey
ouf
ound
t
hem?Tel
lmehei
sfi
neandsafe?
"
Hi
m:"
Doy
our
ememberwhobr
oughty
ouher
e?"
Me:
"Iwantmychi
l
d"
Him:"Nanay
our
eal
l
yshoul
dtal
ktomesoIcan
you.
"
Me:"NtokozoandGr
..
.Mt
handazot
ookmychi
l
d.I
knowtheydid"
Hi
m:"
Tel
lmemor
e"
Me:
"Iwantmyson"
Heheav
edasi
gh
Hi
m:"Youhadababyshoweryester
day.Andthen
t
henextt
hingy
ouwalkedoutofthehouserunning.
Ther
ewer egunshots.Peopl
estar
tedscr
eaming.
Thegrandmotherandherchil
dfol
lowedyou.Take
methrougheveryt
hing..
"
Me:
"Iwantmyson.
."
Isai
dsi
l
ent
ly
Hi
m:"
Mem.
."
Me: "
Doy ouknowthepainI'minr i
ghtnow?The
physical
painandemotionalpain?Thatwomant ook
mei nandIthoughtshediditoutofagoodheart!
Shewant edmyson!Shet ookhim awayfrom me!!
"
Asobheavedf
rom mychest
.Myhandf
ist
edont
he
hospi
tal
gownasIweptandshook.

Ev
ery
onewasj
ustl
ooki
ngatmewhi
l
eIcr
ied.
Allt
hepainandf
earthatl
i
ngeredi
nsideofme
spil
l
ingoutt
osoakthehospi
talbl
anketwi
thmy
tear
s.

#Nt
okozo
Isweargr amswasl osinghermi nd.Dochasbeen
tell
inghertoletthebabygo, butshewasi gnoringus.
Shewasbusybr ushinghi scheeksthebaby '
sskin
wasnotf ull
ydev el
oped, anditappearedshiny,
transl
ucent,dry,
orflaky.Hehadnof atunderhis
skintokeept hem warm.
Hi
sey
eli
dswer
efusedshutatf
ir
st.
Doc:"Don'tworryabouthisey esBy36weekst hey
shouldbeabletor espondt odifferentsights.The
babymi ghtnotbeabl etor egul
atei tsbody
temperature,
breathing,orheartrate.Theymay
twit
ch,becomest if
forl i
mp, orbeunabl etostay
aler
t.Asy oucanseey ouhav eli
ttl
ehai ronitshead,
butlotsofsoftbodyhai r(call
ed‘lanugo’)andal so
hisgenit
alsaresmal landunder dev eloped.
Doc:"Gogo.Thebabymi
ghtbesuffocat
ed.Ineedto
checkhistemper
atur
eweareluckyhecanbreathe
onhisownbutweneedanincubator"
Grams:
"Myprincei
sperfectl
yheal
thy
.Hedoesn'
t
needal
lofshi
tyou'
ret
alkingabout
"
Me:"Gr
ams, heal
soneedshi
smom'
smi
l
k.Youdon'
t
hav
eany t
hingtof
eedhim"
Doc:"
You'
reri
ght.Okay,
I'
ll
y oudowhateveryou
wantbutwhenhediesdon'tblameme.Youmust
al
soknowthatitwouldhavebeenyourfaul
t"
Gr
ams: "
Hewon'
tdi
eIknow.He'
sstr
ongli
keme;
his
mother
"sher
oar
ed,t
hiswomaniscr
azy
Doc:"Hemi ghthav ebreathi
ngpr
oblemshear t
probl
ems, problemsinhi sdi
gest
ive,
tract
,jaundi
ce,
anemia,andl astl
yinf
ections
Gr
ams:
"okayokay
.Whatdoy
ousuggestwedo?
"
Me:"
I'
dsayret
urnt
hebabytohismom.Youcan
dr
opitatt
hehospi
tal
!Int
heincubat
or.
Gr
ams:"That
'sbul
lShi
t.It
oldy
out
hatVusi
musi
is
myson"
Me:
"OkayIheary
ou,
thatwasmysuggest
ion"
Doc:
"Oryoucant
ryt
oreachoutt
hemot
her
,and
pumpthemil
k"
Grams:
"That'
sagoodpl
an.Whi
chhospi
tal
didy
ou
dumpher?"
Ntokozo:
"Tembi
sahospi
tal
"Ihadt
odr
opherather
hometown.
Grams:
"Cool
,youcancheckt
hebabyandt
estwhi
l
e
Igoangett
hemi l
kforhi
m"
Me:
"Pl
easet
hinkaboutt
hisony
ourwayt
her
e"
Grams:"Iam notgoi
ngt
ochangemymi
nd.Thank
youthough"

Shest
oodandpl
acedherguni
nherwai
standhi
dei
t
wit
hherj
ersy

#Khensani
.

Detect
ive:
"Okay,
Siscal
m downdon'
tst
rai
nyour
sel
f.
I
'l
lcomebackt omorr
ow"
Me:"Pl
easel
eav
esecur
it
yonmydoor
.Iam not
saf
e"
Det
ecti
ve:
"Noproblem.I
'
lll
ett
heof
fi
cerknowwhen
Iar
ri
veatthest
ati
on"
Me:
"Thanky
ouv
erymuch"Isni
ff
ed
Detect
ive:"Nopr
oblem ma'am"hecl
osedhisbook
andshov edapeninhistr
ouserandwentout.

Itur
nedmyheadandl
ookedatt
henur
se,
tear
swer
e
fl
owingl
i
keariv
er.

Me:
"Pl
easef
indmychi
l
d.Iam beggi
ngy
ou"
Her:
"Okay.
"Shesatdownandtookmyhandint
o
her
s"Iknowthepai
nthaty
ou'regoi
ngt
hrough,
buti
t
i
snotthesame.Yoursi
ssti
ll
aliv
e"
Me: "
Idon'
tknowaboutthat.Whati
ftheyki
ll
my
baby?Ican'
tlayher
e!No,Iam goi
ngtolookformy
chi
ld"It
ri
edtogetoutofthebed
Her:
"Nowait,You'
rest
il
li
njur
ed.Ipromisedetect
ive
i
sgoingtomakesur et
hatthepeoplewhodidt hi
sto
youroti
njai
l
.Ipromiseyou'
ll
findyourchi
ld"
Me:
"Ar
eyousur
e?Pl
easel
etmego"
Her
:"No,
Idon'
twantt
ocauseani
nfect
ioni
nyour
oper
ati
on"
Me:
"Okay
.It
'sf
ine!Justgo"
Her
:"ar
eyousur
e?"
Me:
"yest
hanky
ou"

Il
aybackandwentt omyownsmal lwor
ld.The
worl
dthatIthoughtIbur
ieditbuttodayIfoundi
t'
s
way.Iam backtobeingdepressed,t
hewor l
dofLil
gi
rlr
apedatt heageof13!.

Iwasindeepmyt houghtswhengramswalkedin.I
knowherwor k.Ipanickedandt
ri
edtolookfora
panicbut
tonont hesideofthebedbutshequickl
y
tookouthergun.Icriedout

Grams:"I
fyoudarescream orsomethingIswear
.I
swearkhensani
I'
llkil
lyou"t
hatdidn'
tshakemeoff.I
didn'
tst
oplooki
ngf orthebutt
on.Myhandswer e
shaki
ng
Grams:"
Ory
ouwantGugu.Togof
ir
st?Youwantt
o
watchmeki
llher
?"
Me:"
Nono.Don't
"Idi
smissedhert
houghts"
Youcan
t
akewhat
everyouwantbutdon'
tki
llGugupl
ease"
Grams:"
Right,
You'r
egoi
ngtopr
etendl
i
keIam y
our
mother
.Ineedbreastmi
l
kformyson"myst
omach
wasinknots
Me:"
Okayokay.Icansqueezemybr
eastandgi
ve
yout
hem.Justdon'tt
akeGuguawayfr
om me"
Grams:"
Cool"shel
oweredtheguntomystomach
"I
fyoudaret
rysomethi
ngfunnyI'
l
lblowy
ourbrai
ns
out"
Me:
"IWon'
tIpr
omi
se"
Gr
ams:
"Okay
"
Me:"
ButbutIneedt
obewar
m sot
hatt
hemi
l
kcan
f
low"
Gr
ams:
"don'
ttr
ytoshi
tinme"
Me: "
Iam sosorr
ybutIneedsomethi
ngli
ket he
smellascentofmybabythat
'showmybr eastcan
sense"I
'
vegoogledfewthi
ngs.Ihear
dthatmi l
kwi
ll
f
lowonl
yify
out
hinkofy
ourbaby
Grams:"
Ihav
eapicture"shetookouthisphone.I
cl
osedmyeyesaft
erlookingatthepi
ctureofmy
son.Hehadver
ybeautif
ulmouthandey el
ashes.
*
***
**
IHeldmybr eastwi thmyf i
nger sandt humbcupped
aroundt hebr easti naCshape, nearbutnot
touchi
ngt hear eola.Thenpr essmyf i
ngersand
thumbbackt owar dsmychest .Icompr essedmy
breastbet weenmyf ingersandt humb, mov ingthem
sli
ghtl
yt owar dst heni ppl
ewi t
houtl i
fti
ngt hem from
mybr east.Ir eleasedwi thoutmov i
ngmyhandf rom
thebreast .Irepeat ed,mov ingmyhandt oadi ff
er ent
placearoundmybr eastaf t
erev er
yfew
compr essionsorwhenev ermi lkfl
owst opssot hat
youcompr essal l ofthemi lkduct s.Releasingand
repeati
ngr hythmi cal
lyhelpst omi mi ctheact i
onofa
babybr east f
eedi ng.Itwaspai nfulexperi
ence.Tear s
keptonf lowi ng..
Af
terIcl
osedt
hecont
ainerandgav
eitt
oher
.
Grams:"Thatwasn'thardri
ght?"Shesmil
ed"And
ohhIam watchingy ourLi
lsi
sterli
keahawk.Ify
ou
tr
ytotel
l t
hepoliceoranyoneaboutthi
s,youwon't
seehereveragain"

Shewhi
stl
edandwentout
.Isobbed

Gugu.

Vel
ba:
"Youscar
edmeGugu"
Me:
"Iam sor
ryaunt
y"
Vel
ba:
"Let
'shopethey
'l
lhav
esomet
hingt
ogi
veus
whent
heresul
tscomeback"
Me:
"Iam al
sohopi
ngt
hat
.Iwantt
ogohome"
Vel
ba:
"You'
l
lgooncey
ou'
reokay
"
Me:"
Iam fi
neaunt
y.I
twasj
ustami
nor
st
omachache"
Vel
ba:
"Youar
eshaki
ngGugu.Youwer
esweat
yal
l
ov
ery
ourbody
"
Me:
"may
bei
twasf
lue.Aunt
y,Iam okay
"
Velba:
"Nopey
ou'
resti
l
lnotgoi
ngany
wher
ewi
thout
doctor
spermi
ssi
on"
Me:
"ButIhav
etogot
oschool
"
Vel
ba:
"You'
l
lcat
chup"

Igr
oanedandsmil
edather.Ilov
ehowshetakes
car
eofme,shedoesn'
tneglectmel
ikemom usedt
o.

#Khumbul
ani
.

Myboyscal
ledme,we'r
egoingout.Iam gl
adthatI'
l
l
begoi
ngoutofthi
shouseandclearmymi nd.
St
ayi
nghereanddoingnot
hinggotmeseei ngt
hings.

Aft
errunni
ngt
hewat er
,Iwentoutoft
hebat
hroom
andir
onmyclothes.Bythet
imeIgotbackt
hewater
wascool
.Ist
ri
ppednakedandgoti
t.

Voice:"
Doyouseewhatourgr anddaught
erisgoing
thr
ough?You'reacurse!
!!
!You'
reabustard!
!!
!I
quickl
ygotoutofthebathr
oom.Thewat ertur
ned
i
ntobloody,Ihear
dababycr y
.Iquickl
ygotout.The
cri
eswer ef
ollowi
ngme.

Me:"Amanda!
!"Ishouted"t
ellthem t
oleav
eme
al
one"Iwasrunningtothelounge
Amanda:"OhhmyGodkhumbulani
!You'
rewet
ti
ng
thecar
petandwhyar
eyounaked"
Me:"
Justtel
lthem t
oleavemeal
one,
please.Idi
dn'
t
meantorapethei
rchil
d"
Amanda:"Somuchl i
ttl
edicki
naperson?
"She
l
aughed.Igotoutofthehouseandr
anaroundthe
yar
d.

Me:"
Pleasel
eavemealone!Idi
dn'
tmeanto.Pl
ease
f
orgi
veme"Icri
edout
.Butthebabycr
ieswere
gett
ingdeeper!Ir
ubbedmyearsandwentoutsi
de
theyard.Ir
andownt her
oadcryi
ngtoletmego!
Peoplewerelaughi
ngsometaki
ngvideos!

Thiswasnotsomet hi
ngtolaughabout.IknowIam
runni
ngar oundnakedbuti t'
snotfunny,Iam hear
ing
thi
ngs!Iarrivedatsomegar ageandt ookaseatat
thecorner.Itwasnowqui teIsmil
edwhenIl ooked
uppeoplewer estari
ngatme.Ther ewe4menwi tha
syri
ngeint heirhands.IwassurethatAmandacalled
thement alhospital
.Iam notil
l
!

Tobecont
inued
HERSTRUGGLES

Chapt
er33.

#Khensani

Twoday
slat
er.
.
IwasshockedwhenauntyVel
bacamei
n.Whot
old
hert
hatIam her
einhospi
tal
?

Vel
ba:
"OhhmyGodkhensani
,wher
e'st
hebaby
"
Ihadcri
edsomucht
hatIhadnoener
gyl
efti
nmet
o
cryany
more.
.
Her
:"
Khensi
?"
Me:"Imi
scarr
ied"Iwasnotgoingtot
ell
herwhat
gr
amsdid,Idon'twantGugutodie
Velba:
"OhhmyGod!Comehere"sheembr
acedme,
honestl
yIfel
tsaf
einherar
ms.Ifoundmy
sel
f
breaki
ngdown,Iwant
edsomeonet otel
lmethat
everyt
hingi
sgoi
ngtobealr
ight
.I'
vesuff
eredi
t'
s
enough
Vel
ba:
"Don'
tcrybabygir
l,i
t'
sgoingt
obealri
ght.Iam
her
eforyou"shepul
ledachairandsatdown,she
pl
acedherbagontopoft hebed
Vel
ba:"
Nt okozosentmeatextandt
oldmey
ouwer
e
her
e.Ididn'tbel
i
eveheratf
ir
st.
..
"
Whywoul
dNt
okozodot
his?
Ij
ustcoul
dn'
tst
opcr
ying
Her
:"
WhathappenedKhensi
?"
Ishr
ugged.
.
Her
:"
Tel
lme.
."
Me:
"Idon'
tknow,
wewerehavi
ngbabyshowerand
t
henextthi
ngIwasi
npai
ns..
"
Isobbed
Her:
"Iwantt
hebabyr
emai
ns.Wehav
etobur
ythe
chi
l
d.Hewas. .
."
Me:
"No.
."
Her
:"
Whatdoy
oumeanno?
"
Thenur
sewal
kedt
ous.
.
Nurse:
"Goodday.MissKhensaniIhavey our
di
schargefor
ms.Youshouldleavey ourdetai
lst
her
e
sothedetect
ivecancomeandt al
ktoy ouathome..
"
Me:
"What
?Idon'
twannal
eav
e..
"
Nott
hatIdi
dn'
t,
Ihadnowher
etogo.
Her:
"I
'm sorr
ySisi
butwehav
etouset
hebedf
or
ot
herpat i
ents"
Me:
"Pl
ease,
Ihav
enowher
etogo.
..
"
Nur
se:
"Justsi
gnt
hem."
Shewal
kedaway.
.

Vel
ba:
"Youcancomewi
thme.
"
Me:
"No"
I
'mti
redofpeopl
ewhopr
etendedt
otakemei
nwi
th
agoodhear
t.
I
tal
way
sdoesn'
tendwel
l
.Peopl
eal
way
stakeme
f
orgr
ant
ed.
Her
:"Khensani
youhav
enowher
etogo.I
'
m her
e,y
ou
hav
emeandGugu. "
Gugu.
.
Sher
eachedf
ormyhandt
ohel
dit
Her
:"Ev
ery
thi
ngwil
lbefi
nenana,
ther
e'sal
way
sli
ght
att
heendofever
ytunnel
."
Isi
ghed
Her
:"
Come,
let
'sgety
our
eadyt
oleav
e..
"

.
..

"
Khensi
!!
!"Gugur
ushedt
ohugmesoonasIwal
ked
i
n.
Ihuggedherback,
Iwasst
il
li
npai
nthough.
.

Ihadseenmymot her'
sshackwhencominghere,
al
othadchanged.Ithi
nkther
e'ssomeonel
eavi
ng
t
her
e.Theshackwasr
enewed,
beaut
if
ull
yrenewed.
Imadeamental
not
etoaskAuntVel
basoonaswe
set
tl
edathome.
.

Me:
"Imi
ssedy
ou!
"
Her
:"
Idi
dtoo.What
'swr
ongwi
thy
ou?Whyar
eyou
l
impi
ng?"
Me:
"Ihadanacci
dentnana"
Her
:"
Ihav
epai
nher
e"
Shesai
dpoi
nti
ngatherabdomi
nal
area
Me:
"Real
l
y?Whendi
ditst
art
?"
Her
:"
WhenIhadadr eam abouty
oubeingst
abbed
byacer
tai
ngrannyonyourabdominal
area"
Me:
"I
tsf
inenana,
wewi
l
lbef
ine.
."
Velba:
"Guguyoucangobri
ngt
hesnacksIbought
foryousoyoucansharewi
thy
oursi
ster
"
Shewal
kedaway
Me:
"Who'
sst
ayi
ngt
her
e?"Iaskedpoi
nti
ngathome.
Shesi
ghed
Her
:"
John'
swi
feandf
ami
l
y..
"
Me:
"Di
dn'
tknowhehadawi
fe"
Her:
"Iwasshockedtoowhenshecameoutofno
where.Andtherumourshasitt
hatJohnhadlef
ta
mil
li
onr andf
oryourmotherandyourmothersi
gned
al
lofittoher"
Me:
"That
'smymot
herf
ory
ou"
Her
:"
Hav
eyoudeci
dedongoi
ngt
oseehert
hough?
'
Me:
"Idon'
twannaseeher
..
"
Her
:"
Khensi
..
"
Me:"NoAunti
e,allt
hat'
shappenedi
nmyli
fei
sal
l
becauseofher!Idon'
twannaseeher!
"
Shesi
ghed
Me:
"Ineedt
orest
"
Her
:"
Youknowmybedr
oom.
"
Iwal
kedt
othebedr
oom t
oli
edownabi
t.
Iwasbor
ed,
Ihadnocel
lphoneorany
thi
ng.
Iwant
edmyson.
Ifoundmyselfcr
yingt
hinki
ngbackofev
ery
thi
ng
that'
shappenedt
ome..

Li
fehaslef
tmesowoundedi nawayt hatI'
dever
fi
ndmyselfmendev eragai
n.Ithinksui
cidewoul
d
betheperf
ectt
hingbutIcan'
t..IhaveGuguwho
l
it
eral
lyhasnoonebutme. .
Mom ont
heot
hersi
dei
ssomesi
ckmonst
erwho.
..
Si
gh.
.
I
fthi
sishowIwoul
dtur
nout
,li
kehert
henmysoni
s
bet
terof
fwi
thgr
ams..
No,
that
'sj
ustmyt
ear
stal
ki
ng.
.

Imusthavef
ell
asleepwhil
ecr
yingbecausewhenI
wokeupitwasalmostl
ate.
.
Thehouset
oowasqui
et.
.
"
Gugu?
..
"
Si
l
ence
Me:
"AuntVel
ba?
"
Si
l
enceagai
n..

Ineededmyphone.Ineededt
hemoneyIbur
ied
backinSowet
o.

If
oundmysel
fsear
chi
ngAuntVel
ba'
spur
se.
.

Oht
hankGod,
ther
ewasR50.

I
twasenought
otakemet
osowet
o.

Iqui
ckl
yfreshenedupandempti
edGugu'
sschool
bagandrushedouttocat
chataxit
oJohannesbur
g
#Nt
okozo

Wehadt oliel
owforafewdays.Especi
all
ywi
tht
he
baby.Gramscoul
dnotgohome, shehadtost
ay
wit
ht hebabyi
ntherent
edroom..
.

"Ineedaf
ewcl
othes.
."shesai
dwhi
l
erocki
ngt
he
baby.
I
fbabi
escoul
dtal
k,Iswearthi
sonewoul
dal
ready
hav
ecomplai
nedofalwaysbei
ngingr
amsar
ms.

Thi
schi
l
dwasl
i
ter
all
ydr
ivi
nghercr
azy
Me:
"I
'l
lgof
etcht
hem.
"
Shel
ookedatme
Her
:"
Youhav
en'
ttouchedVusi
since.
..
"
Me:"Idon'
twannagetinvol
vedi
nyourshi
tt
y
behavior
"Icutherbef
oreshecoul
dconti
nue
Sher
oll
edherey
es
Her
:"
Youal
readyar
e"
Isi
ghed
Me:
"Myhear
tisst
il
lwi
thKhensani
"
Her
:"Don'
tworr
y,y
ou'
l
lgetov
ert
hel
i
ttl
ecr
ushy
ou
hav
ef orher
"
Me:
"Thepol
i
cear
est
il
lony
ou"
Her:
"Ihavecal
l
edDet
ect
iveRoy
,he'
l
ldest
royt
he
docket"
Me:
"Gr
amswhyar
eyoudoi
ngt
his?
"
Her
:"Ar
eyouseri
ousl
ytaki
ngmebackt
her
e?Ar
ewe
goi
ngbackther
e?"
Me:
"Thi
sjustf
eel
ssowr
ong"
Her
:"
Ntokozogetout
"
Me:
"Gr
ams.
..
"
Her:
"Gett
hefuckout!
!!Youaredepressi
ngmychi l
d!
Vusi
muzidoesn'
tneedy ournegat
iveenergyaround
hi
m.Khensaniknewwhatshewasget ti
ngherselfon
whenal
lowedmei nherl
if
e!!Iwontall
owyout
o
makemef eel
gui
ltyofwhatwebot hknewwas
goi
ngtohappen!
!"

Me:
"Youar
esohear
tl
essMt
handazo!
"
Her:"
Thenf uckyoumi ssgoodyt ooshoes!!Fuckyou!
Ifedyouwheny ourmot hert hr
ewy ouli
keausel ess
tr
ashy ouar e!Wherewast heheartl
essmewhenI
spentsleeplessnightstryingtomakesur eyouwer e
okayafteryourabor t
ion?Imadesur eyounev er
spendallyourlif
eI '
m prisonafteral
lyourstupid
mistakes!Fucky ouNt okozo!!!
"
Ist
oodupandwal
kedout
..

#Khensani

Grams'
carwasn'
tparkedout
side.Thatmeantt
her
e
wasnoonearound.
Thel
i
ght
swer
eof
ftoo.
.
Isi
l
ent
lysear
chedundert
hev
aseout
sidef
ort
he
key
s.
Weusual
l
ykeptthem her
ejustsoNt okozowould
f
indt
hem whensheretur
nsfrom hergall
iv
ant
ing.
.
If
oundt
hem.
.

Iunl
ockedt
hehouseandqui
ckl
ymadei
ttot
he
bedr
oom.

ThankGod,
myphonewasundermypi
l
low.
It
ooki
tandt
ookaf
ewofmyf
avour
it
ecl
othes.
Ihadnoti
metonear
lypackt
hem,Iwasi
nahur r
y
andshaki
ng.I
fGr
amsfindsmeheret
henI
'm dead.
.
It
ookthet
eddybearIonceboughtf
ormyson'
s
bi
rt
h..
Tear
sescapedmyey
es.
.
Don'
tKhensi
..
Il
ockedthedoorandwentt
othebackoft
het
oil
et
andstar
teddi
gging.
.

Li
ghts.
.Icoul
dseeacarpar
kingi
nfr
ontoft
he
house.
..
Iwashalfwaydoneput
ti
ngt
hemoneyi
nsi
det
he
bag.AndIfi
nal
lymadei
t.
.
..
I
twasNt okozoIwatchedherunl
ockt
hedoorand
geti
nsi
det hehousebefor
eIcoul
dmakeitout
side
thegat
e.

I
twasgett
inglat
e,Idon'
tknowi
tI'
dfi
ndat
axi
back
t
oTembisa..

Iwast
hankful
toGodwhenImadei
tbackt
o
Tembi
sa.
..
"Khensani
!!Iwaswor
ri
edabouty
ou,
wher
ehav
eyou
been?"
Ipl
acedt
hebagont
het
abl
e
Me:
"Iwasi
nSowet
o..
"
Her
:"
Sowet
o?Whatwer
eyoudoi
ngt
her
e?"
Me:
"Wentt
ofet
chmycl
othes"Il
i
ed
Her
:"Coul
dn'
tyouwaitt
il
lyougotbetter?Orwent
t
heretomorr
ow?Lookatt heti
me, i
t8pm andyou
j
ustcameback!!Thest
reetsaren'
tsafeoutt
here!
"
Me:
"I
'm sor
ry.
."
Her
:"
Ihat
ethi
sreal
l
y!Ihat
eit
"
Me:
"I
'm sor
ry.
."
Shekeptqui
etandwal
kedaway
..

Myphonewasst
il
lon.
..

Ther
ewasatradi
ngpostonf
acebookaf
ter
Khumbul
ani
walki
ngnakedal
lar
ound.
Iwasshocked.
.
Peopl
ewentont
osayhewasadmi
tt
edi
nament
al
hospi
tal
.
Ther
ewerealsopi
ctur
esi
fdoct
orshol
dinghi
m st
il
l
whil
enaked.

Ihav
etoseehi
m..
.Ihav
etogot
ohi
m..
.

Tobecont
inued
Li
ke,
shar
eandcomment
.
HERSTRUGGLES

CHAPTER34

Lastnightauntyvelbacookedchickenhear ts.I
enjoyedthem, soIam goingtoseekhumbul ani,
I'
ll
fi
rstgoandaskAmandawhi chhospi t
alhe'sin.I
kindaforgottoretur
nVelba'smoney .Aft
erbat hi
ng,I
wentt odisposethewaterandputt hebasinatt he
backoft heshack.Auntywasbusysweepi ngt he
yard

Me:
"Goodmor
ning"
Vel
ba:
"Mor
ningsi
s.Howar
eyoudoi
ng?
"
Me:
"Iam goodt
hanksandhowar
eyou"
Vel
ba:"Notcompl
aini
ng.YouknowIleftR50i
nmy
wal
letbutwhenIcamebackIdidn'
tfi
ndit"
Me:"
Ohhaboutt
hat
,Ibor
rowedi
tbutIf
orgott
o
r
etur
nit
"
Vel
ba:
"Wi
thoutmyper
missi
onKhensani
?"
Me:
"Iam sor
rybutIhadt
ogot
oSowet
o"
Vel
ba:
"Todowhati
nSowet
oKhensani
?"
Me:
"Tof
etchmycl
othes.
."
Her:
"Buty
ouHav
en'
theal
edenought
otr
avel
Khensani
"
Me:
"Ihadnot
hingt
owearaunt
y"
Velba:"
NoIhat
ethaty
out
ookmymoneywi
thout
tal
kingtomefi
rst
"
Me:
"Iam sor
ry,
letmegoandgeti
t"
Vel
ba:
"Youdon'
tthi
nkKhensaniaf
terI
'
vet
akeny
ou
i
nmyhouse.Ist
hishowyouthankme"
Me:"NowhatIdidwaswrong.Whi
chi
swhyIam
say
ingthatIf
orgott
oret
urnit
"
Velba:
"Khensanipl
ease"shetur
nedandcont
inue
sweeping.Iswal
l
owedhar dandwentbacki
nside
thehouse.
Me:
"Gugu,
Iam goi
ngt
oMi
drand"
Gugu:"
Okaywi
l
lyoucomeback?
"Shewasbusy
dr
awing
Me:"y
esIwil
l,
pleasepromiset
orespectaunt
y
Vel
ba.Don'
tgoagainstherwor
dsokay"
Gugu:
"Ipr
omi
se"
Me:"Cool"IopenedGugu'
sschoolbagandtookout
R100"Iusingyourschool
bagsinceithasmy
cl
othes"
Gugu:
"Buty
ousai
dthaty
ou'
l
lcomeback"
Me:"Yes,Iwi
llokay
.OnceIhav
esor
tedoutaf
ew
t
hingsthenI'
l
lcomeback"
Gugu:
"Okay
.Ipr
omi
sey
out
hatI
'
llpasst
hist
erm"
Me:"That
'smygirl
.Ial
sopromiset
hatIam goi
ngt
o
getajobthenbui
l
tasmallshack"
Gugu:
"Andmamawi
l
lcomeoutofpr
ison"
Me:
"Yesshewi
l
l.Hug?
"Ismi
l
edasshest
oodup.
Gugu:
"Pl
easedocomeback"
Me:
"Iwi
l
l"

Ihuggedheronel
astt
imeandwentoutsi
de.Aunty
Velbawasnowsweepingatt
hebackoftheshack.

Me:"Aunt
yheresomecash"It
ookR2000andgav
e
her"
You'l
lseewhatt
obuy"
Vel
ba:
"Khensani
wher
edi
dyougetsomuch
money
?"
Me:
"Ihust
ledi
t"
Vel
ba:
"wher
e?"
Me:
"Iwaswor
kingatsomePaki
stanshop"
Vel
ba:
"Okay
,thanky
ou.Wher
ear
eyougoi
ng?
"
Me:"Ohhthankyouf
orl
ett
ingmestayi
nforthe
ni
ghtbutIam goi
ngtol
ookforapl
acetost
ay "
Vel
ba:
"WhyKhensani
?It
houghty
ouwer
egoi
ngt
o
st
aywit
hus"
Me:
"Aunt
yyoudi
dal
otf
orus,
Iam gl
adt
haty
ou'
re
l
ooki
ngaf
terGugu.Youcan'
tal
sot
akecar
eofme"
Vel
ba:
"Iam notcompl
aini
ngKhensani
"
Me:"NoIam agr
ownwoman.I
'
vebeent
hroughal
ot,
Idon'
twantt
obeabur
den"
Vel
ba:
"ButIam wor
king"
Me:"Nothanky
ou.Youdon'
tearnt
oomuchmoney.
Ial
sohavetogooutther
ehust
leawor
kthenhel
p
youwit
hGugu"
Vel
ba:
"Butwher
ewi
l
lyougoKhensani
?"
Me:
"I'
l
ltr
ytor
entar
oom.
"
Vel
ba:
"Ar
eyousur
ethaty
ou'
l
lgeti
ttoday
?"
Me:
"Iam sur
e"
Vel
ba:
"Okay
,Pl
easebecar
eful
"
Me:"
Iwil
l"shetookt
hemoneyandhi deiti
nher
br
east
s."you'
l
lhavebreastcanceratl
eastcov
erof
wi
thti
ssueorsocks"
Vel
ba:
"Iwi
l
lonceIgoi
nsi
det
heshack"
Me:
"OkayI
'
llbeonmyway
"
Vel
ba:
"Ohhhpl
easet
hinkaboutv
isi
ti
ngy
ourmom"
Me:
"Iam noty
etr
eady
"
Vel
ba:
"Iunder
stand"
Me:
"Thanky
ou"

Isi
dehuggedhert henwenttothet axirank.Theli
ne
wasn'tt
hatl
ongsincei twasSunday ,Igotinsi
dethe
Avanza.WhenIarrivedatMidr
andIgoti f
-t
henwent
toAmanda'shouse.Iam doingthisbecauseofmy
chi
ld.WhenIarr
ivedIr angt
heintercom twice.
..

Amanda:
"Whoi
sit
?"Herv
oicewasi
sfi
rm
Me:
"It
'sme.
..
"Icl
ear
edmyt
hroat
Amanda:
"Who?
"
Me:
"Khensani
"
Amanda:
"OhhKhensani
whatdoy
ouwant
?"
Me:
"CanIpl
easecomei
n"
Amanda:
"Okay
"af
teraf
ewmi
nut
est
hegat
eopened,
Idon'
tknowwhyshewasn'trudetomebutIwal
ked
thr
oughthepavementunt
ilIar
ri
vedatt
hedoor
.She
openedbefor
eIcoul
dopen.

Amanda:"Whatalov
elysurpr
ise.Comein"She
wasn'
tsmili
ng.Herf
acial
expressionwasjustbl
ankI
coul
dn'
treadhermood.
Me:
"Thanky
ou"
Amanda:"
Youcant
akeaseatandt
ell
mehowIcan
hel
pyou.Any
thi
ngt
odri
nk?"
Me:"Nothank.Amanda,
Iam nother
etocause
t
roublebutIneedy
ourhelp"
Amanda:
"okay
"
Me:"
Youknowt
hatIwaspr
egnant
.Butmychi
l
dwas
t
akenaway"
Amanda:
"Sowhydoy
ouneedmyhel
p?"
Me:"Becauseyournephewwasst
olen.Your
br
other'
schil
d"
Amanda:
"Yout
hinkI
'
dhel
psomeonewhomademy
br
othercr
azy
?"
Me: "
OkayIdon'
tknowwhaty ou'
retal
kingaboutbut
Ineedtoknowthenameoft hehospit
al t
hat
Khumbulanii
sin.Ineedhi
shelp"
Amanda:
"Howsur
ear
eyout
hati
t'
smybr
other
's
chi
l
d?"
Me:
"Ar
eyougoi
ngt
ohel
pmeorwhat
?"
Amanda: "
Youdon'
tlookl
i
keaper
sonwho'
s
desper
atel
yinneedofhel
p"
Me: "Okay."Istoodupandwenttokneel i
nf r
ontof
her"I'
ddoany thi
ngjustt
oseemychild.pleasehelp
me, Amanda, Don'
tyouwanttomeety ourbrother
's
chi
ld?Pl easeIam beggingf
oryourhelp"
Amanda:
"Okayst
andup.I
'
llt
akey
ou"
Me:
"Not
hanky
ou.Justgi
vemet
henames"
Amanda:
"takei
torl
eav
eit
"
Me:
"Cool
"
Amanda:"l
etmegoandgr abmycarkey
sthenwe
cango"Shewentupst
air
s.
Iremai
nedseated,Wasitr
eall
yagoodidea?That
wasthethoughtthatwasr
ingi
nginsi
demyskull
.But
hecanhelpme, i
sheintheri
ghtstat
eofmindto
helpme?

Thedr
ivet
oAkesopsy chi
atri
chospit
alwasn'
tthat
l
ongsi
nceshewasdr i
vingfast.Whenwearri
vedit
wasbr
eaktime.Theywereeatingi
nthegarden.

Amanda:
"Iam goi
ngt
oleav
eyoual
onewi
thhi
m"
Me:
"Thanky
ou,
Amanda"

Iwentt
ohi
sbench.

Me:"Iseeyou'
reher
e"helookedsosane.Ther
ewas
not
hingwrongwithhim.Atl
eastIt
hought.
Hi
m:"Whatdoy
ouwantKhensani
?Youwantt
o
gl
oat
?"
Me:
"Ohhno.Iam her
einneedofy
ourhel
p"
Hi
m:"
Ory
ouwantt
osendy
ourgr
anni
esher
e?"
Me:"
NoNoKhumbul ani
yoursonwast
akenaway
f
rom me"hel
aughed
Hi
m:"
Idon'
thav
eason"
Me:
"yesy
oudo"
Hi
m:"
NoIdon'
t"
Me:"Youdokhumbul ani.Thewor stthingisthatI
don'
tknowhowhel ookslike.Don'tyouwantt o
meety ourchil
d?Bepr oudt hatyou'r
eadad? "Idon't
wantkhumbul anianywher enearmychi l
dbutIhad
todot hisj
usttogethi shelp"Don'tyouwantt oget
outofher eandholdy ourbabyinYourar ms?Getout
ofhere?Iknowt hatyou'renotcrazyy ou'
rejust
i
magini ngthi
ngs"
Hi
m: "
Iam noti
magini
ngt
hingsKhensani
Iknow
whatIwasseei
ng"
Me:"Pl
easehelpmegethi
m back.Don'ty
ouwantto
growyoursur
name?Khumbulaniyourchi
ldi
sout
ther
enotknowinghowhei
s"
Hi
m: "
Justst
opokay!Idon'
thaveachil
dandst
op
t
ryi
ngtomakemer egretmydecisi
on"
Me:
"Okayi
t'
sfi
ne.Hopey
our
oti
nher
e"

Hekeptqui
et.Iwal
kedawaywi
tht
ear
sthr
eat
eni
ng
t
ocomeout .

#Nt
okozo.

Gramshav ebeenseat
ingi
nthesunsay i
ngthat
she'
scold.Shehasn'
twenttotherent
edroom and
seeherchil
d.That
'swhatsur
prisedme.

Me:
"gr
amswhatar
eyouf
eel
i
ng?
"
Gr
ams: "
Stopbei
ngabuzzNt
okozoandl
eav
eme
al
one"
Ikeptqui
et
Her
:'
Whyar
eyounotwear
ingy
ourJer
sey
?"
Me:
"Becausei
t'
snotcol
d..
"
Si
l
enceagai
n
Me:
"Vusi
iscr
ying.
."
Her
:"
Goshuthi
m up.I
'
m noti
nthemoodf
orhi
m"
Shocki
ng.
.
Real
l
yshocki
ng
Me:
"Gr
amsy
ouknowI
'
m notgoodwi
thbabi
es"
Her
:"
Thenf
uckof
fNt
okozo!
!"
Somet
hingwasr
eal
l
ynotr
ightwi
thher
..

Iwentinsi
detheroom andpi
ckedhi
m up,
hehad
thi
sniceli
tt
lefi
ngers.
Beaut
if
uley
elashesj
ustl
i
kehi
smom.
Soonhewoul
dberunni
ngoutofbr
eastmi
l
kthough,
wehadtomakeaplan.
.

#Khensani
Amanda:
"wi
l
lhehel
pyou?
"
Me:
"No.
"
Amanda:
"ohhIcanhel
pyoui
fyoudon'
tmi
nd"
Me:"
Nothanky
ou"shewantssomet
hingi
nret
urn.
Whywoul
dsheoff
ertohel
p
Amanda:
"Al
l
owme.
tohel
pyou"
Me:
"Whatdoy
ouwantaf
tert
hat
?"
Amanda:
"Tobet
her
einhi
sli
fe"Icl
osedmyey
es.
Me: "Okay "Idon'tknowwhyIwasreall
ydoing
everythinginmypowert ogethel
p.IthoughtIwas
goingt ohat ethebabybutt
hemoreIhear dhi
skicks,
tearsofj oywouldcomeout .
Amanda:
"Okayl
et'
sgobackhome"
Me:
"NoAmanda"
Amanda:
"Iwon'
tdoany
thi
ngt
oyouKhensi
"
Me:
"Howsur
eam I
?"
Amanda:
"justt
rustme"Ikeptqui
et.Iam l
eav
ing
ev
ery
thi
ngi
nGod'
shands!

#Nt
okozo

Shewasnowbusyr ubbi
ngandscrubbi
nghersel
f.I
wantedt
olaughsobadIhonestl
ydon'tknowwhat'
s
wrongwit
hgrams.Shewasjustacti
ngweird.

I
'
venev
erseent
hiswei
rdsi
deofher
..
Me:
"Ai
n'
tyougoi
ngt
oseeVusi
today
?"
Her
:"NoIam sickNt
okozo.Idot
owantt
otr
ansmi
t
mysicknesst
ohim"
Me:"I
yhoo.Ar
eyousur
ethatt
her
e'snot
hingIcan
do?
"
Her :
"Justcomeandr ubmyback, "shesaidt
aking
offherjacketandt-shirt
.Isuddenl
yfeltt
heneedto
throwup, I
'veneverseent hi
sInmywhol eenti
reli
fe.
..
Irantothet oi
lett
ot hrowup.Herbackwasf ullof
wor ms
Me:
"Wt
f!
"Iscr
eamed
Her
:"Whatwhat
'sgoi
ngon?Justr
ubmeNt
okozo"
Me:"Youneedt
oseet
his,
"Isai
dtaki
ngoutmy
phone

Tobecont
inued
HERSTRUGGLE.

CHAPTER35

#NTOKOZO

Gramswasdr i
ventot
hehospi t
al byherworkerJabu.
Isti
llcantbel
i
evewhat'shappeningtoher,The
thoughtofgoingtovi
sitourper
sonal tr
adi
ti
onal
healercametomymi nd.

Shehadbeenwor ki
ngwiththewomanf orfartoo
l
ong,she'
stheonethathelpedhermostlywit
h
runni
nghershadybusi
nessandnev ergetcaught
..

Iqui
cklygrabbedmycarkeysandheadtothecar,I
needtofindoutwhat'
swrongwit
hgrams.Ireal
ly
can'
tloseher!She'
sther
easonIam br
eathi
ng,Iget
i
tthatsomet i
meswedon'tseem t
ogetal
ongbutI '
d
kil
lforher!Isweari fIfoundoutthatKhensani hasa
handinherr ottenbackI '
llf
uckenkil
lher.Idon'tcar
e
aboutthel i
tt
lecrushIhav eforher,wearet alki
ng
abouttheper sonwhohel pedmef acemydemons.
Thedr i
vewasn' tthatlongsinceIwasdeepi nmy
thoughts.WhenIar ri
vedIdidtheusualwhi chwas
taki
ngmyshoesof fandexchangedgr eetings..

Her
:"
SitdownNtokozo"Shedi
dn'
tl
ookst
rai
ghtat
myeyes.Herbackwasfaci
ngme.
Ther
e'sal
way
ssomet
hingshadywi
tht
hiswoman
Her
:"
Ihavebeenwai
ti
ngf
ory
ourgr
andmot
herf
orf
ar
t
oolong"
Me:
"Shei
snotokay
.Ihav
eapr
obl
em.Ican'
tseem
t
osolvei
t"
Her:
"Iknow.Unfor
tunatel
yIcan'thel
pyouwit
hthi
s
one.Yourgrandmotherhastofaceherdemons,t
he
consequencesofheracti
ons"
Me:"
Whatconsequences?
"Iwasr
eal
l
ybl
ank.Idon'
t
knowwhatshe'
stalki
ngabout
Her:
"Thegir
lthatshewronged?Sheisnotj
ustagi
rl
,
herancest
orsarelooki
ngoverheratal
lti
mes.She
tookthesnakeseggs"
Me:
"OhhGod?What
'sgoi
ngt
ohel
pher
?"
Her:"
Ther e'
snothingatal
l.Ihadtogotothecav esto
fi
ndoutwhati tneededt obedone.Unfortunatel
y
theydidn'tgi
vemeanycl ue!NtokozoIam f r
ustr
ated
thatIcan'thel
py ouguys"shewasst i
l
lfacingthe
otherside.Shedidherwei r
dsoundandor deredme
togoout .

Iwenthomenotknowi
ngwhatt
odo.
Myhandsar etied,Iam angryatmy self
.Iam angry
thatIcan'thelpgramswhenshedesper at
elyneeds
myhel p,thi
swomanhasbeent heref ormesinceI
wasl i
ttl
echild.Shetookmei nasherbaby .She
showedmet helovethatInevert houghtI'
dget.How
canInotbeabl etohelpthatper son?Theper son
whosol dherbodyj usttofeedme?HowcanInot
helpthatperson?
Idrovetot hehospi
tal
.Ijustwantedtocheckonher
thenI'
llcal
l mymom andl etherknowaboutgrams
condit
ion.WhenIar ri
vedathospital
Iwasdirect
ed
toherwar d.ButthedoctorcameoutbeforeIcould
goinside.

Doc:
"Goodmor
ning"
Me:"Mor
ningsdoc?How'
smygr andmot
her"he
knowsmebecauseIam theonewhobroughther
here
hesi ghed"Idon'tknowhowtosayt hi
sNtokozobut
yourgr amssituati
on?"Sheshookhishead"I
'v
ebeen
adoct orfor9y earsbutI
'
venevercameacrosssuch
sickness"
Me:
"Wai
twai
tYou'
resay
ingt
haty
oucan'
thel
pher
?"
Doc:"
Wearedoi
ngthebestwecantodrai
nallt
he
di
rtshehasonherback.Thewor
stt
hingi
sthatal
so
herhandi
sswoll
en,i
t'
sredbutwe'
veappl
iedsome
oi
tment"
Me:
"Pl
easehel
pher
"
Doc:"
That'
swhyIhav ethi
sfor msher e.Iwantyout
o
si
gnt hem becausewear ethinkingofoperati
ngher
sothatwher ecanseethspr oblem start
ed,we'
ve
doneallwecan, ri
ghtnowwehav etotakeall
chances"
Me:
"Okaysur
e,wher
e'st
hepen"
Doc:"
Wai t"heheldmyhand" Thisoper
ati
onsisgoi
ng
tobedanger ous.Chancesofhercomingbacktous
recov
er edarev er
ysli
m.Andi fwedon'
toperat
eherI
am afr
ai dthatshe'
ll
diebecausethedir
tseemsto
beestinghersl owl
y..
"
Me:
"Let
'shopet
hatshel
i
ves"Isai
dal
readysi
gni
ng.
Thiswasdepressingme,Hopeshepull
sthrough
becauseIcan'
tleavewit
houther
.I'
veneverwentto
j
ailbecauseofgrams.Shealway
smadesur ethat
sherescuedmeandIam v erymuchgrat
efulfort
hat.
Doc:
"youcanwai
tatt
her
ecept
ionar
ea"
Me:"NoIhav
etogohomet
hanky
ou"Ihandhi
mthe
papers.
Idr
ovest
rai
ghthome.
WhenIarri
vedIwentt
obat
h.Afterchar
gingmy
phoneIdeci
dedtocal
lmymother.

Wellmymot herandIneverr
eall
yhadthemot
her
daughterrel
ationshi
p.Wejustgetal
ongnowal
l
becauseofgr ams.Idon'
tknowhowt hi
ngswi
llt
urn
I
fshedi es..
..

Me:
"I
t'
sNt
okozo"
Her:"
Youdon'thavemanner
sNt
okozo!Youdon'
t
evengreet
"that'
smymom.Shealwaysmakessure
thatsheseesami st
akei
nme
Me:
"Iam sor
ryma.Gr
annyi
sathospi
tal
"
Her
:"
Huh?Whathappened?
"
Me:"
Yes,It
ookhert her
ey esterday.Mom Idon'
t
knowwhat'sreal
lyhappeningt oher,shehadworms
onherback..
.I'
veneverseent hat.She'sdyi
ng
sl
owly"
Her
:"
Areyoucr
ying?
"Youcoul
dtel
lshewasshocked
byt
hat.
.
Yes,
I'
ll
cryf
ormygr
ams,
shedeser
vesmyt
ear
s..
Me:
"No.Buty
ouneedt
ocomeandcheckonher
"
Shesi
ghed
Her:
"NtokozoIcan'
t.Ther
e'saf
ami
l
ygat
her
ingher
e
atworkandIam needed"
Me:"
For
getIevercal
l
edmom"Idr oppedthecall
.
WhowasItryi
ngtofool
?BecauseIknowt hatshe
wasnotgoi
ngtocomebutatleastsheknowst hat
gr
amsishospit
al

#Khensani
.

Amanda:
"Khensani
wakeup.
"Sheshookme
Me:
"huh?
"Iaskedr
ubbi
ngmyey
es
Amanda:
"Wakeup.Wehav
etogot
oSowet
o"
Me:
"Sowet
o?"Iaskedconf
used"
whatar
ewegoi
ng
t
odoi
nSowet
o?"
Amanda:
"Comeon,
wear
egoi
ngt
ofet
chy
ourchi
l
d"
Me:
"wit
hwhat
?Thosepeopl
ear
edanger
ous
Amanda"
Amanda:
"Don'
twor
ryI
'
vemanagedt
oget5ment
o
comewit
hus"
Me:"
Arey
ousur
eaboutt
his?Whatdoy
ouwanti
n
r
etur
n"
Amanda:"Iwantt
obet her
ei nhisl
i
fe.Iwantt
otake
careofhim,Iwanthimtovisitmeonholi
days.I
'
ve
al
readytoldyouthat
.Youknowi smynephew'
Me:"
Ohhhsotodayhe'
syourbr
other
'schi
l
d?Don'
t
yourememberwhenyouki
ckmeout ?"
Amanda:
"Canwel
ett
hepastgo?Pl
easeIam sor
ry"
Me:
"Justst
op"
Igotupandwenttot
hebat
hroom t
owashmyf
ace
andbrushmyteet
h.
Ihav
edeci
dedt
otaket
her
isk,
I'
ll
takei
t.
.
*
***
*
Amanda:
"Don'
tyouwantt
oeatf
ir
st?
"
Me:
"St
oppr
etendi
ngasi
fyoucar
e.Justst
opi
t"
Amanda:
"Don'
tbl
amemef
ort
ryi
ng"
Me:
"Let
'sgopl
ease.Ij
ustwantt
oseemyBaby
"
Amanda:
"Howol
dishe?
"
Me:
'Iwassupposedt
ogi
vebi
rt
htohi
m nextweek.
He'
sprematur
e"
Amanda:
"Ohhokay
."

West
oodupandwentt
othebl
ackf
ami
l
ycar
.

#Nt
okozo.

Iwasbusyprepar
ingtogoandtakemamasothat
shecanseehowGr amsis.Myphoner
angbef
oreI
coul
dopenthecardoor.
Voi
ce:
"Goodaf
ter
noonma'
am"
Me:
"Hey
"
Voice:
"Iam cal
li
ngfrom Sowet
ohospi
tal
.Am I
speaki
ngtoNt okozoTwala?"
Me:
"yes"
Voice:
"Okay.Thi
sisaboutyourgrandmotherasyou
knowt hatshewasadmitt
edy est
erday,
willyoube
abl
et ocomet ohospi
talt
oday?"
Me:
"I
sther
esomet
hingwr
ong?
"
Voi
ce:
"I
'dl
i
kei
ttobedi
scussedher
eathospi
tal
"
Me:
"OkayIam onmyway
."

Ihopetheoperati
onwentwell.Icoul
dn'
tseeher
sincel
astnight
,whenIarr
ivedathospit
alIwas
i
mmedi atel
yshowntoherwar dIfoundthedoct
orby
thedoorspeaki
ngwithnurses.

Me:
"Hey
,Igotacal
l
"
Doc:
"f
rom myPA?Ohhy
esI
'
vegotbadnews"
Me:
"Ohhokay
.Whatbadnews?
"
Doc:
"Canwepl
easegoandsi
tinmyof
fi
ce"
Me:"
notell
me"Iwasexpect
inghi
mtot
ell
met
hat
al
soherlegisswol
l
en.
heopenedt
hedoor
.Gr
amswascov
eredi
nwhi
te
sheet
s
Me:
"Whatdoest
hismean?
"
Doc:
"I
tmeanst
hatshedi
dn'
tmakei
t.Iam sosor
ry"
Idi
dn'
tut
teranywor
d.

Isatdowni
nsi
l
ence.I
tfel
tsur
real
..
Idi
dn'
tknowwhatt
osayordo.
..Nogr
ams.
.No.
.

.
..
.

Iwalkedoutandcal
l
edKhensani,
Iknowshetook
herphonebecausei
twasnottherewhenIwentt
o
checkoni
t.

Me:"
HeyKhensani
"It
ri
edbyal
lmeansnott
obr
eak
down..
Her
:"
..
..
..
"
Me:"Iknowyoucanhearme.Butpl
easei
fyouwant
yourbabycanyoupleasecometoSowet
o?I'
ve
managedt oconv
incegramstol
ethi
m go"
Her:
"ThankyouverymuchNt okozo.Iam onmyway "
shedroppedthecall
,Icoul
dhearhowr el
ievedshe
was.
Butgrams;didshehavetogothough?Whowil
lIbe
l
eftwith?Don'
tcrynt
okozo,Thi
sisnott
heti
met o
breakdown!!

#Khensani
.

Me:
"Amandast
op,
Iam goi
ngt
oSowet
oonmyown"
Her
:"
Whatdoy
oumean?
"
Me:
"Okay
,sheconv
incedgr
amst
oletmybabygo"
Her
:"
Whati
fit
'sasetup"
Me:
"i
t'
snot
"
Her
:"
Okayy
ou'
regoi
ngon1condi
ti
on"
Me:
"Okay
"
Her:
"I
f3hourspasswi
thouthear
ingf
rom y
ou.Iam
comingt
here"
Me:
'
Nopr
obl
em.Her
e'st
headdr
ess"

Igotoffthevan.Ican'tbel
i
evet
his.ThankGod!I
thoughthewasn'tgoingtocomethroughformebut
hedid.I'
vebeensmi l
ingallt
hewaytothetaxir
ank.

Tobecont
inued

Li
ke,
shar
eandcomment
HERSTRUGGLES

CHAPTER36

#Khensani

Icouldn'twaittogettoSoweto.Iwasr eal
lyexci
ted,I
coul
dn' tevenhidemyexcitement.Ithinkt
hedr i
ver
didnoticetoobutIcouldn'
tcareless.Allt
hat
matterswasNt okozocamethroughf ormeandI
wouldf oreverbegratef
ult
oherf orwhatshehas
donef orme. .
Icoul
dn'
twaitt
oholdhi
mi nmyar msforthefi
rst
ti
me.Toplaywit
hhisl
it
tl
efinger
s.Tobreastf
eed
him.Tot
ellhi
m Il
ovehi
m...

Icoul
dfeel
myeyesalmostwett
ingwi
tht
ear
sofj
oy,
Iqui
ckl
ybli
nkedt
hem away.
..
Dr
iver
:"
Sis.Hehi
titr
ight
?"
Me:
"Who?
"
Ichuckl
ed.
Hi
m:"
Yourboy
fri
end.Idon'
tknowwhenwast
hel
ast
t
imeIsawahappywoman. .
."
Il
aughed
Me:
"Idon'
tdat
e"
Isai
dwatchi
ngt het
reest
hatwewer
epassi
ng
thr
ought
hewi ndow
Dri
ver:
"Don'
tgetmewr ongIam aski
ngbecause
you'
vebeensmi l
ingsi
nce.
"Ikeptqui
etand
cont
inuedsmili
ng.Icoul
dn'
twaittobat
hmybabyfor
thefi
rstt
ime..

WhenIar ri
vedIpaidt hecabdr i
verandgotofthecar.
Il
it
erallyr
ant ograms' house.Ev ery
thingmustwait,
I
havefinal
lyfoundjoy.Af t
erev erystr
uggleI'
ve
suf
fered,Godcamet hroughf orme.Af t
ert
hisIam
goi
ngkneel downbef or ehim andpr ai
sehim.Iam
goi
ngt opraylikeI'
veev erdidbef or
e,it'
str
uewhen
theysaythatGodi
sali
ve,hetr
ulyanswer
edmy
prayer
s!Hecamethroughforme.Thiswasa
blessi
ng.

Thedoorwashal
fshutIbangedi
tabi
t.

Me:
"Nt
okozo,Iam her
e.Nt
okozo!
!"Ishout
edgoi
ng
t
oherr
oom. .
Ifoundheri
nherroom hol
dingmybaby,budy
rocki
nghim upanddown.Mybabywascov eredi
na
bluebabybl
anket.
..Shewassini
nghi
m alull
aby.

Therewasani ncubatornexttoher,
thelevelof
corr
uptionistoohigh,butasi
kolapho.Iquickl
ywent
tohersidehappily,
IsidehuggedNtokozomaki ng
sur
et hatIdon'thurtt
hebaby.

Me:"OhhmyGod.Nt okozot
hanky ou"t
ear
swere
burni
ngthecorner
sofmyey es.IknewIcoul
dn'
t
thankherenough
Shesmi
l
edandl
ookedatme
Me:"
CanIpl easeholdher
?"Ij
ustfel
tli
keaski
ng.He
wassocut e,Il
ovedhisski
ncolourhe'
snotyel
low
bonejustblackl
ikehisMommy .Iam gl
adhegotmy
ski
ncol our
,eyel
ashesandfor
ehead.Icoul
dn'
tsee
he'
sey esbecausehewasasleep

Nt
okozo:
"Notsof
asty
oungl
ady
"

Sheplacedhi
m backi
nsi
det
hei
ncubat
or.Ihear
d
gunsounds.
Itur
nedandwaswelcomedbyt
wobouncerl
ooki
ng
l
ikethei
rgunsatme.
Iqui
ckl
ycov
eredmyey es.
..andal
mostscr
eamedi
n
conf
usi
onandshock.

Me:"
Ntokozo?"Itr
embled.
.Whywer
ethosemen
poi
nti
ngtheirgunsatme?
Her
:"
Iwoul
dn'
tactsosur
pri
sedi
fIwer
eyou?Tel
lme
whydidy
ourbabydaddyl
osehi
smi
ndaf
terr
api
ng
you?
"
Ikeptqui
et
Her:
"I
'mtalki
ngtoyouSfebe!
!!
!!Why
?Isitbecause
youareawi t
ch?
!!Yougoaroundbewit
ching
peopl
e..
."

Thi
swasn'
taboutKhumbul
ani
.Iknow.
.
Me:
"Nt
okozo.
..
"Iwhi
sper
ed

Thiswasn'ttheNt okozot
hathadbecomemyf r
iend.
TheNt okozothatIhadspental otoftimewithher,
shari
ngourpr oblemsandall.TheNt okozot
hatI
hel
pedheal whileshewasonherdeat hbed.This
wasn'ther.Thi
swasast r
angertrappedinsi
deher
body.
..

Her:
"Youfuckenki
ll
edmygr andmotherdammit
!!
!
Shediedbecauseofyou,whydidyouhavetoki
ll
her
?!!
!!
"sheshoutedinanger
Me:
"What
?Gr
amsdi
ed?Idi
dn'
tki
l
lher
"
Ntokozo:
"Yes!Youki
l
ledherbecauseshest
oley
our
baby!
!!
!"Shewaslosi
ngit
..

Me:
"Ntokozowhywouldyout
hinkofmeasakil
l
er?
Meall
ofpeopleNtokozo?
"Myv oi
cewasbr
eaki
ng.
Ntokozo:"
YouknowwhatIdon'thavet
imetodebat
e
wi
thy ou.I
t'
seitherhedi
eorIki
lly
ou"Iqui
ckl
y
t
urnedandf acedher.
Me:
"Nt
okozodon'
tdot
his.
..
"
Her
:"
Kneel
!!
!"
Me:
"Nt
okozo.
."
Her
:"
Voet
sakman!
!!
!!
!"
Ikneltbef
oreher.Therewasnowayshewaski ll
i
ng
mychi l
d,Il
iv
ed.It'
salsoatimehealsoli
ves,bett
erI
didthanhim.Icouldn'
taff
ordtoseemybabydy i
ng
i
nfrontofme!Nomot herwil
lgetov
erthatpain.I
'l
l
neverli
vewiththepain.
.
Iswal
l
owedhar
d
"
Kil
lme"isai
dsi
l
ent
ly,
facedown.
.Idi
dn'
twanna
f
aceher
..

Ther
ewassi
l
ence
"I
fy outhinkkil
li
ngmewi l
lbri
ngyourgrandmot her
doi t,
ifyouthinkyou'
l
lgri
evebett
erthendoi t
.Asfor
meIam say i
nggoodr i
ddancetobadr ubbi
sh"
withoutabl i
nkofaney eshethr
ewawar m sl
apon
mycheek.

If
elIonmybut
t.Ir
aisedmyey
est
olookather

"Hitmeal lyouwant ,Inolongercar

ehowmuchy ou
hitme.Thepai nt hatIthoughtIwasn'
tgoi
ngtobar
e
alreadyhaspassed, Mysonhealedme.Ideci
dedto
shov ethatdepressionwher ei
twon'tcomeback
any t
imesoon. "
Ntokozo:
"Shutupbit
ch!Youdon'twanttoseeme
pull
thismachinesawayfrom y
ourchil
d"

shescreamedont opofhervoi
ce.Vei
nswere
poppingoutf
rom herfor
ehead,i
twasli
keshewas
possessedbydemons.
Me:"
Okaymaybeyoudon'
twannakil
lme.Let
'ssit
downandtal
kaboutt
his,
Iam beggi
ngyouNtokozo!
Il
oveyou"
Ihadtosayt
his.
.Thepai
nofmysongr
owi
ngup
wit
houtamothercametomind
Shel
aughedbi
tt
erl
yandshookherheadi
ndi
sbel
i
ef
Her:
"You'
vegotdrama.Goandl
ockheri
nthe
st
oreroom"sherefer
redt
ohermen

Theycametowardsmeanddraggedmeoutwi
thme
shout
ingandscr
eamingf
orhelp.
..

#Amanda
Thr
eehour
spassedwi
thouthear
ingf
rom Khensani
.
Ihavebeentr
yingt
ocallherbutherphonet
ookme
str
aightt
ovoi
cemai l
,I
'v
eleftdozensofmessages.

Whati
fsomet
hinghappenst
omyAphi
we?
Il
aughed.
Iam t
heauntysoIhavetheri
ghttonamethebaby.
OhhmyGodIcoul dn'
twaitt
oholdhisLi
tt
lehands!
Spoi
lhimrot
ten.

Icall
edoneoft hegentsthatI'
veor
gani
sedwere
goingtocheckher.Comehi ghcomelaw.Iwant
meetmyLi lbaby.Helookslikemenodoubt.
Iwassurehe'scut
eohhIwassohappyhey .We
weregonnagetmor emoneyfrom mydad.Iknewhe
wouldbehappythatKhumbulanii
saf at
hernow.
Thathasalwaysbeenmyfather'
swish,f
or
Khumbulanit
oonedaybeaf ather,
becauseheknew
i
twouldmakeKhumbul anigr
owandbea
r
esponsi
bleman.

Ihavet odesignanur seryroom f orhi

m.Iwanthi m
tofeelathome.MyI nstagram feedwasgoi ngto
havealotofpi ct
uresbecausei fhi m.Icoul dn'
twait
todresshi mthesnappi ctures!We' r
egoi ngt obe
goals.Igiggl
edt heguardl ookedatme, Ijust
couldn'
tcontainmyhappi ness.Itwasl i
keadr eam
comet rue..

#Khensani
.

Iwast
ied,
mywhol
ebodywast
ied,
Icoul
dn'
tmov
e
mybody.
Thesti
nginginmyeyeswasn'
tfr
om cr
ying,
Iref
used
toshedtear
s.I'
vemademychoice.
sheputanoldshir
tinsi
demymout
hmakingithar
d
formetoshout.Shecameinwi
thmyphone
Nt
okozo:
"Looksl
i
key
ou'
remi
ssedhey
"shesmi
l
ed
Me:
"Mmmmm"
Ntokozo:
"You'
remakingnoi
se"sheclosedherear
wit
hherlefthand"Anywayyourphoneisnaggingme.
Iwantyoutoanswerandnotsayashi tbecauseI
swearKhensigir
lyoudon'
twanttoseeme
suff
ocateyourbabytodeat
h"Inoddedrepeatedly
!
Me:
"Mmmmmmmm!
"Sher
emov
edt
heshi
rt
.
Nt
okozo:
"Doy
ouhav
ear
ti
me?
"
Me:
"I
..
.I
..
."Ist
utt
ered
Nt
okozo:
"Tal
kDammi
t"
Me:
"I
..boughtumm mi
nut
es"
Ntokozo:
"Cool
"sheunl
ockedi
t.Sheal
way
sknewmy
patt
ern"t
alk"
Me:"
Amandaumm al
ri
ght
..pl
ease"Ist
utter
edand
sni
ff
ed"Wedeci
dedt
ogot oLi
mpopoal ongwit
hthe
baby"
Amanda:"
Why?Ithoughtyouwer
egoingtost
aywit
h
me.Khensani
youbetternotr
unawaywit
hthebaby
becauseI
'
llhunty
ou"
Me:
"Ij
ustwantt
olayl
ow.I
'
llcomebacknextweek"
Amanda:
"Youdon'
tthi
nkf
orot
her
s"shedr
oppedt
he
cal
l
Ntokozo:
"Youdi
dgood.Youdeser
veanOscar
Award!"
Me:"
Whydon'tyoul
etmego?Ipr
omi
seI
'
llnev
erset
afoother
einSowet
o"
Ntokozo:"
Sis.Ipromi
sedmygr
amstoki
llt
heperson
whowi ll
kil
lher.Andyoudi
dwhi
chmeansyou'
re
f
ollowingher"
Me:
"Pl
ease"Icr
ied
Ntokozo:"
Getr eady!
"Shewhi st
led.Thet wobouncer
l
ookingmenwal kedi n"Iwanty ouboy stowor kwith
her!Iwantyout otof uckhermout handass.Don' t
touchherpussyi t'
slose,somanydi ckshavebeeni n
thathel
lhole"Iclosedmyey esassheexpl ained..
whenar emyst r
ugglesgoingt oend?Justaft erI'
ve
thoughteverythi
ngisgoi ngwel lf
orme?Wher e'
sgod?
Myancest ors?Iheardt hatancestorslookovery ou
andpr
otecty
oubutwher
ear
ethey
?
Ntokozo:
"Iwantyougentstofuckher!Fuckherunti
l
sheswall
owsherownv omit
.Asf ormeI '
m gonnasi
t
herebymy sel
fandtakeav i
deo.I'
m gonnasenditto
hermotherthat
'sprobabl
yrott
inginjai
l
"

Tobecont
inued

Li
ke,
shar
eandcomment
HERSTRUGGLES

CHAPTER37

#KHENSANI

Thepai
nshott
hrough.
..
I
'v
ealwaysmadeachoi
cenott
ocr
ybutt
odayi
twas
di
ffer
ent
.
Nt
okozotookavi
deooft
hesi
ckt
hingsbot
hthese
menweredoingt
ome.
Icl
osedmyey es.Theyhadmechai
ned,oneoft
hem
for
cedhimselfi
nsideofme,
int
heanuswhile
anotheronef
orcediti
nsi
demymouth..
Icr
iedt
il
lIcoul
dn'
tany
mor
e..

Whentheyweredonetheyal
lst
oodup,fi
xed
t
hemselvesandwalkedoutwhi
l
elocki
ngmei nsi
de
t
her
oom.

Icoul
dn'ttaket
hispai
n,Icouldn'
tsi
tstr
aight
,I
coul
dn'topenmyey estolookthem i
ntheeyes.Ij
ust
coul
dn't

"
Thisiswhatyougetf
orki
ll
ingmygr
andmot
her
!!
!"
Hervoicebef
oreshewal
kedout.

Anotherpainshott
hroughatmeatIsil
entl
ysobbed
Ir
esistedtheurget
ot hepai
nalt
houghitwas
st
rongerandmor eint
ensethani
tsrar
e

I
twi shitweren'
ttrue,
butev enevenIhaveaccepted
thatmyst r
ugglesaremyf ate,Iwaster
ri
fi
ed.Iwish
i
twasn'tfearthatranthroughmebecausef orthe
fi
rstti
meIcoul dfeeldeathneari
ngme, mystruggles
havekil
ledme.
I
'v
et r
iedhardnottofeel
mydeat
hbutthepai
n
Ntokozojusti
nst
il
ledinmewasunbr
eakabl
e
Iknowmygr andmotheri
sdead, t
heonlywoman
whoIwouldsaylovedmebey ondinfi
ti
nty.Theonly
womanwhowoul dhaveprot
ectedmef rom thi
s.But
sheneverhearsmewhenIscr eam f
orher.AndI
alway
sdo...

ButifIdon' tmakei toutofhereal i

ve,tel
lmysonhis
mommysuf fer
ed,hismotherwentt hroughsome
str
uggl es,shecoul dn'
tholdont othem anymore.
Andi fitistruethatangelsdoexi stthenIwouldbe
hi
sangel andpr otecthi
m atallti
mesandi ft
hey
don'tthenIwoul dbethefirstone..

Thi
sismeKhensani
.
..

#Amanda

"
Khensani
answery
ourdamnphone!
!!
"Hephone
r
angunanswer
ed.
Ir
ubbedmyf
acei
nfr
ust
rat
ion.
Me:
"Idoubtshemi
ghtbei
nLi
mpopoIdoubti
t!
"
Bheki
:
"Whatdoy
ousuggestwedo?
"
Me:"
Findher!
!!Wear
etal
ki
ngaboutmybr
other
s
chi
l
dher e!
"
Istoodupandpacedar
ound.Khensani
promisedme
thatshewoul
dn'
tdoanythi
ng,
shepromised
Bheki
:
"Whydonty
ouj
ustcal
lher
?"
Me:
"Doy
out
hinkIhav
en'
ttr
ied?
"
Si
l
ence
Me:"I
tstoosoonforhertohavelef
tSowet oto
Limpopo.Ithi
nkyoushouldgotothisadress.
Searchther
e.Sear
chev er
ythi
ng.Searcheventhe
toi
let
s!!
"
Het
ookt
hepi
eceofpapert
hathadt
headr
ess
Me:"
Callmewhenyouf
indher.I
'
m showther
e'l
lbe
somethi
ngtoshowuswhereshecanbe.
."
I
'
llki
l
lKhensani
.
#Khumbul
ani

I
fthere'
sanythi
ngthatthispl
acecandotoaperson
i
s,i
tdepressesoneinsteadofheal
ingt
hem..Iwasn'
t
mad,Iwishoneofthepeopl ear
oundherecoul
d
not
iceandtellt
hedoctors.Iwant
edtogohome..
Thegr anni
eshadn'
tvi
sit
edmesinceIgoti
nsidebut
somet i
meswhenIsleepatni
ghtIcanfeel
their
presence.
Thi
siswhyIhav esuddenl
yhavethef
earfor
dar
kness.Icoul
dn'
tsleepwit
hli
ghtst
urnedoff
any
mor e.
.

Ihadmadeafri
end.Ri
char
dwhowas79year
sand
hasbeeni
nsi
deheresi
ncethr
eey
ear
sago.
Heseemssanetome, butyesI
'
venoticedhe
someti
meslosesever
ythi
ngandjustbecomest
his
per
sonidon'
tknow
"
Chess?
"
Me:
"Sur
e..
"hepl
acedt
hechessboar
dandt
het
abl
e
Hi
m:"
Idi
dn'
tseey
ouatt
hebr
eakf
astt
abl
etoday
..
"
Me:
"Iwasn'
ti
nthemood"
Hi
m:"
Somet
hinghappened?
"
Si
l
ence
Hi
m:"
Oupa?
"hecal
l
smet
hat
Me:
"No,
not
hing.Ij
ustmi
sshome"
Hi
m:"
Iknowt
hatpai
n."
Si
l
ence
Him:
"Youwil
lnevergetoutofher
eify
oukeepon
doi
ngthatt
oy our
self
"
Hewhi
sper
ed
Me:
"Doi
ngwhat
?"
Him:"
Shhh..
.Thi
speoplewantt hatf
rom y
ou.They
wantyoutostayi
ny ourroom all
dayal
laloneandi
n
t
hatwayy ou'
regi
vingthem areasongothinki
ts
yourcr
azydaytoday"
Hechuckl
ed
Him:"Iusedtomisshomet oo,
mychi l
drenand
grandchil
drenbutIdon'
tanymorebecauseIhave
al
readyf i
guredIwil
lnev
ergetoutofhere.
.Doyou
havechildr
en?"
Ikeptqui
et
Yes,aboychi
ld.WhoIdon'
tev
enknowhi
snamenor
haveseenhi
m
Me:
"No"
Hi
m:"
Why
?Howol
dar
eyou15?17?23?
"
Me:
"27andmysi
steri
s31"
Hi
m:"
Ohy
ouhav
easi
ster
?"
Me:
"Ri
char
dcanwegobackt
ochess?
"
Hi
m:"
Chess?OhChess!
!!
"

#Gugu

Ikeptoncol
ouri
ngmybooki nr
edandmaroon.They
repr
esentbl
ood.Idon'
tknowwher
eIhear
dthatbut
someoneoncet
oldmet
heyr
epr
esentbl
ood.
..

AuntVelbawalkedinwit
hplast
icsful
lofgr
ocery
,at
ti
mesIwoul dstandandruntoherthengothr
ough
herpl
asticstoseewhatshegotformebuttodayI
di
dn't
.Icouldn'
t.
.
Her
:"
Gugu.
."
Si
l
ence

Shepl
acedtheplast
icsonthet
ableandcamet
ome,
Iwassi
tt
ingonthebed,shesatbesi
desme
Her
:"
Gugu?
",
Si
l
ence
Her
:"
Nana.
."
Il
ookedather ,t
her
ewasal umponmyt hroat
,I
coul
dn'tdescri
beit
,Idon'
tknowwhatwas
happeningtobebutIcouldfeel
somet
hingbadwas
happening.
..
"
Nana.
."
Me:
"AuntVel
baI
'
m scar
ed.
..
"
Iwhi
sper
ed
Her:
"You'
rescar
edofwhatnana?Tel
lmewhat
's
wrongwit
hy ou?
"
Me:
"I
'm scar
ed.
..
"
Shemademesi
tonherl
ap
Her
:"
Didsomet
hinghappenwhenIwasout
?"
Ishr
ugged
Her
:"
Didanyonecomei
nher
eandt
ri
edt
ohar
myou
i
nanyway?"
Ther
ewasconcer
ninherv
oice
Ishookmyheadno
Her
:"
Thenwhat
'swr
ong?
"
Me:
"Khensi
..
"
Her
:"
Didsomet
hinghappent
oKhensani
?"
Ishookmyheadno
Shesi
ghed
Her:
"Youar
enotmaki
nganysenseri
ghtnowGugu,
I
needyoutotel
lmewhat
'swr
ong?"
Ikeptqui
et

#Nt
okozo

Khensanihadpassedout
.Isav
edt
hev
ideof
or
fut
ureref
erences.
Thesemendi
dreal
l
ygr
eatj
ob.
Myphoner
ang.
..
"
Hel
l
o?"
Doc:"Hel
loKhensani .It
sdoctorMazi buko.Iwas
call
ingtoletyouknowy ourgrandmot herhasbeen
takentoahospi t
almor t
uary,
therearedocument s
youalsohav etosign.Andy ourmor tuaryshoul
d
comef etchhernol aterthantomorrow"
Icl
osedmyey
es
Me:
"I
..
.I'
l
lcomet
oday
"
Hi
m:"
Okay
.Good"hehungup

Ireal
i
sedhowmuchIhadbeenhungr
yforrev
enge
andtotal
l
yfor
gotaboutmygr
andmot
her.
She'
sgone,
shegonef
orev
er.Thewomant
hat
rai
sedme

"
Mama.
..
"
Her
:"
WhatNt
okozo?It
oldy
ouI
'
m busy
!!
"
Isni
ff
ed,
Ishoul
dn'
thav
ecal
l
edher
Me:
"Gr
amshaspassedon"
Ihungup,
Idi
dn'
twannahearany
mor
eofi
torher
.
Idi
dn'
twannatal
ktoher
.Ididn'
twannahearher
voi
ceasitwoul
dbeareminderthatIhav
enoone
l
eftwi
th.
.

Icoul
dn'
tcont
ainmycr
ies,
Iloudsobescapedmy
l
ips.
She'
sgone.
.

Thedoorbroke.Agr
oupofmenwal
kedi
npoi
nti
ng
thei
rgunsatme.
Mymenpoi
ntedt
hei
rgunsatt
hem t
oo
Ir
aisedmyey
es
Me:"
Whothef
uckar
eyouandwhatt
hef
uckdoy
ou
want?"
Oneoft
hemen:
"Yourguns,
bri
ngy
ourguns!
"
Theywerealotofgr
oup.Iwouldn'
tfi
ghtt
hem ev
en
i
fIwantedto,mymenwoul dn'
teit
her
Inodded
Theyl
ower
edt
hei
rgunsandhandedt
hem t
othem.
Whot
hef
ucksendt
hem?
"
Oneoft
hem:"Sear
chthehouse.Sear
cheveryroom.
Br
eakever
ylockeddoor
.Searchthetoi
l
etoutside!
!!
"
Someoft
hem wal
kedt
otheot
herr
oom.
.
"
Ther
eisababy
!!
!"
Theboss:
"Good!
!!Nowkeeponsear
chi
ngf
ort
he
gi
rl
!!
"
Fuckt
heywerel
ooki
ngforNtokozoandt heywould
fi
ndher
,shewasint
hestor
er oom unconcious.
.

Tobecont
inued
HERSTRUGGLE

CHAPTER38

#Nt
okozo

Istoodst
eal,Idi
dn'
tknowwhattodo.Theyhad
foundKhensani'
sli
fel
essbodyi
nthestor
eroom.
..

Ididn'
tmeant oharm her,Iwasjustangryshekill
ed
mygr andmother,
therewasnot hingIcoulddo.
Gramswasnother eany moretosav eme, Iwas
tot
allyal
oneinthi
scr uelworldandIhadnoonet o
countTo.Thepossi bi
li
tyofbeingkill
edbyt hi
smen
orthem get
ti
ngmear restedwast here.
..

Ical
culat
edt hedi
stancebetweenwher
eIst
oodand
thedoor.
..Icoul
dmakei toutandr
unformyli
fe.
Wi
thoutt
hinki
ng,
Iqui
ckl
yrant
othedoor
,butI
coul
dn'
tordi
dn'tmakeit
,oneoft
hemenshotmeon
mylegandIgroanedi
npain

Meanwhi
l
e

Bheki
dial
edAmanda'
snumber
s..
.
Sheanswer
edal
mosti
mmedi
atel
y
"Tel
lmeyoufoundt
hel
eadt
othem.
..
"Amanda,
she
spokesofast
.
Bheki
:
"Wef
oundt
hem.
."
Amandasqueezedherey
esshutandsi
l
ent
ly
thankedGod.
.
Shesuddenlyf
eltt
heneedt
osl
apKhensani
int
he
facef
orlyi
ngtoher
Amanda:
"Br
ingt
hem t
ome.
..
"
Bheki
:"
Theyarebad,theyneedanemer gencycar
e.
Thegirl
isunconsci
ousont hefloor
..Herclot
hes
wereri
ppedoff.She'
sbleeding,
she'sjustbadand
thebabytoo"
Hesi
ghed
Him:
"Hesi nababybott
le,y
oucantell
heneeds
emergencytoo.Wemanagedtoshoott hegir
l
behi
ndthis,buti
tsnot
hingmaj
or,she'
lll
ive"
Amanda:
"OhmyGod"shecov
eredhermout
hin
shock
Her
:"Don'
tdoany
thi
ng.I
'
llcal
ltheambul
anceand
pol
i
ce.I'
m onmywaytoo."
Shehungupandqui
ckl
ydi
aledt
henumber
s

.
.

"Whywouldy oudot
histoanotherwoman? "Bheki
askedNtokozowhocriedinpai
n,theywerewasting
forthepol
iceandAmbulancetoarri
ve.
.AndAmanda

Shecont
inuedcr
yingi
npai
n
Oneoftheguy
swal
kedi
njustaf
terchecki
ng
Khensani
'
spul
se
Him:"
Shessti
llbr
eathi
ng,butherpul sei
sf ai
nt,
Ilef
t
Mojotoatl
eastgethersomet hi
ngt owarm herup
whil
ewestil
lwaiti
ng.Andsomet hingwas
penet
rat
edinsi
deherass, shebleedingthere"
Fuck,
Bheki
closedhi
seyesi
npit
y.Whywoul
da
womandothistoanot
herwoman?
Whatki
ndifhat
edi
dshehol
dtowar
dshert
oev
en
t
ort
urehersomuch
"
Takeher
."
Bheki
sai
d
Theguy
slookedather
Bheki:
"Pener
atehert
oo,
letherf
eel
thepai
nshe
causedtoher"
Oneoft
heguy
sswal
l
owed
Hi
m:"
Youmeanweshoul
drapeher
?"
Bheki
:"
I'
llspeaktoAmandat odoubl
ethepri
ce,t
he
pol
icemightt akeanhourortwotogether
e,t
ort
ure
herbytheny ouguyswouldbedone"
.
..
Man2:"Br
uhwhatshedidwashear
tl
ess.She
deser
vest
oroti
njai
l"Hesai
daft
erheti
edhertot
he
bed
Man3:"Doyout
hinkshe'
l
lli
ve?Wedon'
twantpol
i
ce
i
nourcase"
Hi
m:"No.Don'
twor
ryaboutt
hepol
i
ce"
Man2: "ThenIam downf orthat.Let 'sdoitbefore
bossladyar r
ives"theysaidalreadyt akingoffthei
r
j
eans.Theywer e5i nsi
deand5out side.Thosewho
wer eoutsidewer enotawareofwhatwasgoi ngon
i
nsidet hehouse.Theyt ookof fherpant st
hatshe
waswear ing.Withoutawar ning,theyt r
acedtheir
dicksinherass.Shecl osedherey esi ndul
gingthe
pain.Shewaspr ayi
ngthatitendssoon!Theyknew
thatAmandawasgoi ngtotake2hour soroneanda
halfsinceshewasasl owdr i
ver.Af tertheywere
donet heirjobwi thher.

Shewasweakbutsheforcedher
selft
obestr
ong,
Theywentt
oopenthedrawerandtookoutakni
fe.
Theypenet
rat
edhercl
i
t.That
'swher
eshehear
dthe
pai
n.

.
..
.
WhenAmandaar riv
edwithpol
iceandambulance
theywer edonewithher
.Theyevenbatheher,even
thoughshewasi nsomuchpai n.Theparamedics
quicklywenttoatt
endKhensaniwhowasl yi
ngon
thefloorli
fel
ess.

Par1:
"Icanf
eel
herpul
se.Buti
t'
stooweak"
Par
:"Shehasbreathi
ngdi
ffi
cul
ty.Br
ingoxy
gen
mask"theymanagedtokeepherstabl
eandpul
lher
i
nsi
det heambulance.

Thepoliceweretakingev i
dence.Andchar ging
Ntokozowhowasl ayingdown.Shecoul dn'ttalk,she
di
dn'twanttotel
lthem t hepai
nt hatshewasf eeli
ng
eventhoughhertrouserwasr edwi thblood.Shewas
handcuffedanddrov etothehospital.Theywant ed
hertogainherstrength.Amandafoll
owedt hem
behi
ndwi thhercar,eventhebabywast akento
hospit
al.Theywant edtodoafewt est
s.

#Gugul
ethu.

Out
sidet
hehouse.

Iwasbusyplayi
ngskippi
ngropealonewhenaunt y
Velbacameoutsi
deandwentt othepipe.Iam sur
e
shewantedtowashthetri
pebutwhensheopened
thepipeIgott
heshockofmyl i
fe.

Bl
oodcameout
.Ij
umpedandscr
eamed
Shequi
ckl
ylef
tthepi
peandr
ant
ome.
Iraninsidethehouse,Iwentt
othecornerand
huggedmyf eetwithmyhands.Iboweddownwhile
tear
sdr opped,what'sgoi
ngonwithme?Whyam I
seeingthings?.AuntyVel
bacamein.Isobbedand
l
ookedather

Aunt
y:"
Guguwhat
'sgoi
ngonbabygi
rl
?"
Me:"I
..
."Icr
ied,
shecameandkneel
bef
oreme.She
pul
l
edmei nherar
ms
Aunt
y:"
Shhhh.I
t'
sgonnabeal
ri
ght
"
Me:"Isawbl
ood!Bl
oodcomi
ngouti
fthepi
pe"She
l
ookedatmeshocked.
Aunt
y:"
Whatdoy
oumean?
"
Me: "
Somethingbadhappenedt ooneofours.Si
s
helpKhensi
,she'sdest
inedtohelponeofus.
Everyt
hingi
sgoi ngt
ofallapar
tifyoudon'
tstandup
anddosomet hing"
Icouldn'
thearwhatIwassayi
ng.I
twasl i
kemy
tonguewast i
ed,Myeyeswerenotbli
nki
ng.Iwas
l
ookingstrai
ghtatt
hedoor,Iwasbroughttot
he
worldbyfewslaps
Aunt
y:"
God.What
'shappeni
ngwi
ththi
schil
d?"she
st
oodupandcamebackwi t
haJagofwater
.
Her
:"Her
edr
ink"sheal
sohandedmeapi
l
l
Aunty:
"It
'sgoi
ngt ohelpyousl
eepGugu"Igul pedi
t
"Come"shetookmet othebedandcoveredmy
bodywithablanket."
It'
sgonnabeal
ri
ght,I'
llcook
soupforyou"shesmi l
edandwentout.Isignedand
covermyheadal so.

Athospi
tal
.

Whenkhensani openedhereyesshemetAmanda
wasl ookingatherwi t
hpityi
nherey es.Shekept
quietandaskedher selfwhyGoddi dn'
ttakeher?
Whywoul dGodl etherli
vewhenhesawt hepain
she'sbeent hr
ough.Shecouldn'tholdont oi
t
anymor e.Painwasdest i
nedforher.Shewast i
red.
Amanda:
"Hey
..
:
Shesmil
ed.Amandat
ri
edt
otouchherbutshe
fl
i
nchedandl
ookaway.

Amanda:
"Isav
edy
ou,
sis.Isav
edmynephew.
"
Khensanikeptqui
et.Theinci
dentst
hathappened
backatthathousehauntedher,t
hey'
ll
for
everli
veat
thebackofbedmemor y
.
Shet
hroatwasdr
y.Sheneededwat
er.
Herli
pswer ecracked.Shetri
edt
otaket
heglassof
waterbuttheglassfell
downandbroke,
shesighed
astearsescapedherey es.

Amanda:
"Noi
t'
sokay
.Rel
axI
'
llgoandaskf
ora
mop"
Shekeptquiet,
afterawhi
leAmandacamebackwith
thecl
eaner.Shecleanedt
hebrokengl
assandgav
e
Khensaniwatertodri
nk.

Shewasdr inki
ngsl owlysincehermout hwas
hurt
ing,shewasi nsomuchphy si
calandemot ional
pai
n.Shewasev enstarti
ngt ohateherson.I fi
t
wasn'tforhim shewoul dn'thavebeenher e.She
di
dn'twishtoseehi m butal readythedoctorcamei n
pushingababycott hatthebabywassl eepingon.
Shet
urnedherheadandl
ookedout
side

Amanda:
"OhhmyGodKhensani doy
ouseewhat
youcr
eat
ed?"Sheaskedj
oyf
ull
y
Doc:
"Mommybr
east
feedy
ourbaby
"
Her
:"Thanky
oudoc"
shesobbed.
..
"
ICan'
t"shest
utt
ered

"
Can'
tIdoitsomeot hert
ime?
"shewasst
il
lfaci
ng
t
heotherway,out
side

Doc: "
No.It
'sti
mey oubondwi t
hy ourbaby.Andy our
bodyisinsomuchpai nbuty oureal
lyneedt o,I'
l
l
addsomepai nki l
l
er st
oy ourmedicine.Aboutthe
baby,he'
shealthyandr eadytogohome.Wet ook
him outofthei
ncubat or!I
'v
eorganizedat herapyf or
you.Isawthaty ouwer esexual
lyharassed"shekept
quiet.
Doc:
"Hangonsi
sit
'sgonnabeal
ri
ght
,"
shesai
dtaki
ngt
hebabyandgi
veKhensani
.
Shedidn'
thaveanychoiceshedidopensherhands
andrecei
vedthebay"Breast
feedyourboyt
hen.
Alwaysknowthatthebabyisthegif
tfr
om God.That
chil
disgoi
ngtobey ourli
ghtattheendoft
he
tunnel
"shesmil
edandwentout .

Sheeventuall
yopenedhertopandt hebaby
i
mmedi atel
ysuckedthebreast.Youcouldseeitthat
hewast hir
styandhungry
,evenhisweightwasnot
sat
isfy
ing.Shesignedandkissedherbabyforehead
astearsdropped

Amanda:"Nchoooh."Shetookoutherphoneand
snappedafewpicturesforI
nst
agram.
Khensani:"
Amandawhydon'tyoul
eavemeandmy
babyalone?"Sheaskedwi
thherweakvoi
ce
Amanda:"
KhensaniIr
eal
izedmymist
akes.Iwantt
o
makethem r
ight
,Iwantt
osuppor
tmybrother'
schi
ld.
Iknowt hatIshoul
dhav
etr
ust
edyoubutput
yoursel
finmyshoes.Woul
dyouhavet
rust
edme
overyourbrother
?"
Khensani:
"Youcov
eredar
ape.Youknewt
haty
our
br
otherrapedme"
Amanda:
"Iam sor
ryKhensani
"
Khensani:"
Idon'
tknowwhatyouwantfr
om me.I
am brokenIwanttorai
semychil
dwit
houtdr
ama"
Amanda:"
Youcancomeandst
aywi
thmeatmy
house.
"
Khensani
:"That
'snotpossi
ble.Icannotst
ayinthe
housethatIwasraped,i
t'
sfi
neI '
ll
rentaroom f
or
meandmychi l
d"
Amanda:"Okaybutall
owmet obuyAphiwe'sneeds"
Shekeptquietasshewatchedherbabysuckherfor
dearl
if
e.Asmi let
uggedatthecorner
sofherli
ps,
shewasfinall
yholdi
ngherbabyinherar
ms
Khensani
:"Wher
e'sNt
okozo?
"Sheaskedwi
tha
st
rai
ghtface
Amanda:
"Ohh,
Idon'
tknowwhathappenedt
oher
buthe'
sinhospi
tal
butshe'
sundert
hepol
i
cecar
e"
Khensani
:"Doy
our
eal
l
ywantt
obei
nThebaby
's
l
if
e?"
Amanda:
"Ofcour
se"
Khensani
:"Wearegoi
ngt
oki
l
lhert
oni
ght
.Bef
ore
shegoestojai
l
"
Amanda:
"That
'snotpossi
ble.Pol
i
cear
ewat
chi
ng
her
"
Khensani:"
Idon'
tcar
ey ou'
ll
makesurethati
t
happens.Iwanthert
odi eAmanda.Shehasputme
thr
oughsomuchpai n..
..
"
Shesi
ghed
Khensani:
"Don'tevent
hinkthatI
'
llal
l
owyourbr
other
i
nhislif
eforgetit
.Andclosethedoorony
ourway
out"

Thenf ocusedonherbabyasAmandamadeherway
out.Shelaidthebabyinhisbed,hewasasl eep.She
wast i
redofcr y
ing,cr
yingdi
dn'thel
pher .She
decidedtotakef ul
lcontr
olofherli
fe.Shelay edby
hersi
desi
nceherbut
twashur
ti
ng.

#Gugul
ethu.

Iwashear i
ngdif
fer
entsongs.Drumswer epl
aying
ont hebackgr
ound,Isawherdancingtothesongs.I
tri
edtoruntoherbutav er
ybigsnakecameoutand
stoodbesideher
.Shecouldn'
tseeit.Bef
oreIcould
turnandrunbackIcamef acetofacewit
h3ol d
woman.

Ol
dwoman1: "
We'r
epr
oudofy
ouGogo"she
cl
appedherhands.
"

Iqui
ckl
ywokeupdr
ippi
ngwetwi
thsweat
.

Aunt
y:"
NoEnoughGugu.Iam t
aki
ngy
ou
somewher
e"
Gugu:
"Iam scar
ed.WhydoIkeepondr
eami
ng
scar
ythi
ngs?
"
Aunt
y:"
It
'sgonnabeal
ri
ght
,takey
ourshoesy
ou'
l
l
fi
ndmeoutside"
Gugu:
"Wher
ear
ewegoi
ng?
"
Aunty
: "
Ithi
nkIknowsomeonewhocanhel
pyou.
Getdressed"
Gugu:
"Okayokay
"
Iwor
emyshoesandwentout
side

Tobecont
inued

Li
ke,
shar
eandcomment
HERSTRUGGLES

CHAPTER39

#Amanda

Idecidedongoi ngtoseeKhumbul ani,Ihaven'tseen

him sincethedayIwentt ov i
sithi
m wi thKhensani .
Nott hatIdidn'
twannaseehi m, Iwantedt ovisithim
everydayIj ustcoul
dn'
t,Icouldnotbar eseeingmy
brotherjustsit
ti
ngther
eal lhelpl
essbutIknewi t
wasf orthebest ,
thi
splacemadehi m abet t
er
person.Hehasn' thadanyepi sodesincehear rived
there.

Isati
nthegar
denwai
ti
ngf
orhi
mtocome.
.

Hewal
kedi
naf
termoment
sofwai
ti
ngf
orhi
m
Hi
m:"
Amanda:
"
Me:
"Khumbul
ani
,howar
eyou?Howdoy
ouf
eel
?"
Him:"
Howdoy ouexpectmet
ofeelAmanda?I
'
m
herel
ockedi
nlikeI
'
m somecri
minal
"
Me:
"i
tsf
ort
hebest
"
Him:"
Whatbest ?Youguysmakingmecr azy?How
canIkeepSanewhenal lIdoi
sstar
eatt hesame
wall
seachandev eryday
?Amandapl easetalkt
o
them t
oatl
eastletmegohome.Imi ssmyl i
fe.I
missmyf r
iends"
Isi
ghed
Me:
"Khumbul
ani
don'
tdot
his.
..
"
Hekeptqui
et,
looki
ngatmeandshaki
nghi
shead
Hest
oodup
Me:
"Yourbabyl
ooksj
ustl
i
key
ou.
..He'
scut
e"
Het
urnedt
ome
Hi
m:"
Idon'
thav
eababy
"
Me:
"Khumbul
ani
..
."
Hi
m:"
Yout
rustt
hatbi
tchov
erme?Thatt
hebabyi
s
mi
ne?
"
Me:
"ButKhumbul
ani
yousai
dity
our
sel
fthaty
ou
r
apedher!
"
Isnapped,
Iwasgr
owi
ngi
mpat
ientofhi
m.
Ij
ustneededt
omaket hingsr
ightwi
thKhensani
.I
wantedtobei
nthebabiesli
fe
Hesatbackdown
Hi
m:"
Irapedhery
es,
once!
!Idi
dn'
ti
mpr
egnat
eher
!!
"
It
ookoutmyphonefr
om mybagandsear
chedf
or
myfat
her'
snumber
s.
Hi
m:"
Whatar
eyoudoi
ng?
"
HeaskedsoonasIpl
acedt
hephoneonmyear

"
Mysweetl
it
tl
egi
rl
..
"daddyanswer
edal
most
i
mmedi
atel
y.
Ismi
l
ed
Me:
"Baba,
"Khumbul
ani
gav
emeadeat
hst
are
Hi
m:"
Andmydaught
erdeci
dedt
ocal
lmet
oday
.
What
'
sgoi
ngon"
Me:
"Ihav
esomethi
ngtoshar
ewi
thy
ou.Iknowt
his
i
sn'
tther
ightt
imebut
-"
Hi
m:"
WhathasKhumbul
ani
donenow?
"Hesi
ghed
Me:
"No!Hehasn'
tdoneany
thi
ng"
Hi
m:"
Thenwhat
'swr
ong?
"
Me:
"Hehasababy
"
Hel
aughed
Hi
m:"
Whohasababy
?"
Me:"Khumbulani
,alothasbeenhappeni
ngdad.I
recent
lyfoundoutaboutthat
.Thegi
rlandthebaby
werekidnappedtheyarei
nhospit
alaswespeak
becauseofthetraumatheyhavegonethrough"
Hi
m:"
Wasi
tKhumbul
ani
'
sfaul
t?"
Ishr
uggedasthoughhecoul
dseeme,
thel
ooki
n
Khumbulani
'
seyes..
.Gosh
Me:"No.Idon'
tthi
nkso,Khumbul anihasn'
tbeen
okay,i
thasaffect
edhim badly
,that'
showIf ound
out.Heisinmentalhospi
talaswespeak"
Hi
m:"
Looksl
i
key
ouhav
ebeenhi
dingal
otoft
hings
t
ome"
Me:
"Dad.
..
"
Hi
m:"Look,I
'
llbookt
hefir
stf
li
ghttoJohannesbur
g
f
ortomorrow.You'
ll
tel
lmeeveryt
hing"
Me:
"Okay
"
Hehungupsi
ghed
Khumbul
ani
clappedhi
shands
Hi
m:"
Youdeser
veanoscarf
orbei
ngagoodl
air
"
Me:"
I'
mt r
yingtomakey oul
ookgoodi
nyourf
ather
's
ey
es,can'
ty ouforoncemeetmehal
fway
?"
Hi
m:"
Andi
namt
anakemna!
!!
"
Me:
"I
'l
ldowhat
everi
ttakest
obei
nthatchi
l
d'sl
i
fe"
Ist
oodup
Me:"
I'
ll
comeandseey ouwit
hy ourdadtomor
row!I
hopeyouwontdoorsayanythi
ngstupidtomake
hi
m hatey
ouevenmor e!
!"
Iwal
kedout

Idi
aledBheki
'
snumber
sasIdr
oveout
.
"
Hav
eyouf
oundany
thi
ng?
"
Him:"
Sheisi
nJohannesbur
ghospi
tal
.We'
vefound
thewardnumber
.Theprobl
em i
s,i
t'
sapubl
ic
hospi
tal
.Thi
smeansitwontbeaneasyj
obtodo"
Me:
"Doi
t,I
'
lldoubl
etheamount
"
Hesi
ghed
Hi
m:"
I'
ll
speakt
omycont
act
s"
Me:"I
'
m hopingt
orecei
vet
hecal
lfr
om t
hepol
i
ceby
l
atertoday
"
Hi
m:"
I'
ll
makeapl
an"
Ihungupandsqueezedmyey
esshut
.

I
'vedoneeverythi
ng,
butneverki
l
ledinmywholeli
fe,
buti
fitmeantbeinginAphi
we'sli
fe,
thenIwoul
ddo
whateveri
ttakes.
#Gugul
ethu

Wewer einascar
yroom wi
thascar
ywoman, she
keptonmakingscar
yroar
sandsounds.Shehad
samekindsofbeadsmamawasselli
ngallar
ound
her.

Shethr
ewboneandmadescar ysounds.Iwas
scar
ed,butaunt
yVelbakeptonassur
ingmethatI
wassafe,shewoul
dneverharm meoranythi
ng

Thewoman:
"Iseeabl
ackchi
l
d..
."
Sheshook.
Ial
mostst
oodup.
Her:
"Sheisi
ndanger .Sheistheancest
orschil
d.She
needstoanswerhercal l
i
ngbecauseitisaff
ecti
ng
heryoungsi
sterandi twil
laf
fectheri
nlif
e,her
str
uggleswi
llneverend"
Vel
ba:
"Khensani
?Isi
tKhensani
?"
Thewomanr
oar
ed
Ihel
dont
oauntVel
baf
ormydearl
i
fe
Thewoman:"Theyareconnect
ed,sheisconnected
toher
.Hersi
sterwil
lalwaysseeherinherdreams
whensomethinghappenstoher"
AuntVel
ba:
"I
sshei
ndanger
?"
Thewoman: "Herancestor
swon' tprot
ectherunti
l
sheanswersthem.Theyneedhersoasshecanbe
thei
rmessenger.Iseedangerifshedoesn'taccept
hercal
li
ng.Herstruggl
eswill
nev erend.
."
AuntVel
ba:
"Youar
espeaki
ngi
nri
ddl
es"
Thewoman:
"Shehasacal
l
ing.
.Vumani
boo"
Sher
oar
d
Thewoman: "
Hersonwi l
lbri
ngmor estr
ugglestoher
i
fshedoesn'taccepthercal
li
ng.Sheisthe
ancest
ors'
chil
d.Shehast oaccepthercal
li
ng."
Thewoman:"
Hersonandsi
sterwi
l
lsuf
feri
fshe
doesn'
t.
..
"
#Vel
ba

Thetr
iptotheseerdidn'
thel
patal
l.Iwasl
efti
n
quest
ions,
unansweredquesti
ons.
Shegav emesomeherbsforGugul
ethut
odri
nkand
bathsot hedr
eamswoul
deaseup.ButIwaslef
tin
questi
ons.

Ifi
tisKhensanit
henwhatdidhemeanbyson
becauseKhensanimi
scarr
ied?That
'swhatl
eftme
confused.

Imadet
eaf
orGugul
ethuandI
.
Her
:"
Aunt
yar
eyouokay
?"
Ihadbeensil
entsincewegotback.Iwasr
eal
l
y
worr
iedaboutthi
skids.
Khensanit
oowassomeper sonIdi
dn'
tunderst
and
atall
.Shel
oveddoingthi
ngsonherown,shewasa
pri
vateper
son.Idon'
tevenknowwheresheis
Me:"
Yes,nana.I
'mjustt
hinki
ngofvisi
ti
ngyour
motheri
nprisonandtel
lheraboutourtr
ipt
othe
seer
"
Gugu:
"I
sKhensani
hur
t?"
Isi
ghed
Me:"
Idon'tknow.Idon'
tevenknowwher et
ostar
t
Gugulet
hu,IwishKhensaniwoul
djustcomeback
andtell
mewhati sgoingonwithher"
Gugu:
"Imi
ssher
"
Me:
"Di
dshet
ell
youwher
eshewasgoi
ng?
"
Sheshookherheadno
Me:"
Areyousur
e?Wehav
etohel
pherGugu,
shei
s
notokay
"
Her
:"
I'
m sur
e,Idon'
tknowwher
eshei
s"
Isi
ghed
Me:
"Dr
inky
ourt
ea"
#Khensani

Icoul
dn'tgetenoughofmyson'sbeaut
y.Iwassti
l
l
i
npainbutev ery
thi
ngabouthi
m mademef orgett
he
painIwasin.
Hewassl
eepi
ngpeacef
ull
yinmyar
ms.

Thenursewalkedj
ustasIst
ruggl
edt
opl
acehi
m
backonhisbed
Her
:"
Easy
,letmehel
pyouwi
tht
hat
."
Shet
ookhi
mfr
om myar
msandgent
lypl
acedhi
m
onhi
sbed
Her
:"
Howi
smypat
ientdoi
ng?
"
Me:
"I
'm good,
I'
m happy
"
Her
:"
Icanseet
hat
"
Shecheckedmeandwr
otei
nsi
det
hef
il
e.
Her
:"Wehavebookedy
ouforcounsel
i
ng, t
he
t
herapi
stshoul
dbeher
eanyti
meokay ?"
Inodded
Her:
"ButKhensani
,howareyou?Whaty
ouwent
t
hroughwaspai nf
ul,
IswearIwoul
dneverhandl
eit
"
Me:
"IguessI
'
m usedt
opai
n"
Her
:"
Nooneget
susedt
opai
n"
Me:"
Me,Igotusedt oi
t.NurseI'vebeent hroughal
ot.
Mychil
disaproductofr ape.Ihav ebeenrapedhal
f
ofmyli
fe.Bymyst epfatherandt hefatherofmy
chi
l
dandt henNtokozo'smen.Iknowpai n"
Shedr
oppedherpen
Her
:"
Nana,
youarestr
ong.Str
ongi
swhaty
ouar
eor
whoyouar
e,nott
hatyouknowpai
n"
Isi
ghedandcl
osedmyey
es
Her
:"
Lookatme"
Iopenedt
hem
Her
:"
Howol
dar
eyou?
"
Me:
"Twent
yone"
Her
:"
Youar
eyoungandst
rong.Youcanst
il
lri
seup
andbeyourownwoman.Youar
easur
viv
ornota
vi
cti
m okay
?"
Inodded
Her:
"Nowl et
'scheckhowourcut
eli
tt
lebabyi
sdoi
ng
eventhoughhei sasl
eep"

Shewentthr
ought
ohi
sbedandcheckedhi
s
temper
atur
e.
Icoul
dseeherf
acechange
Me:
"What
'swr
ong?
"
Shekeptqui
etwhi
l
erunni
ngherf
ingeronhi
snose
andmouth.

Hequickl
yrant
othedoorandshout
edf
ort
he
doct
or

Her
:"
Hei
snotbr
eat
hing.
."
Me:
"What
?Whatdoy
oumean?
"It
ri
edsi
tt
ingup
st
rai
ghtbutIwasst
il
li
npai
nbutIst
il
ltr
ied
Twonursesandadoct
orcamer
ushi
ng,
they
i
mmediatel
ywenttomyson
Nur
se:
"Hei
snotbr
eat
hing.
"
Andsoonhi
sbedwaspushedout
.
It
ri
edtoqui
ckl
yst
andandf
oll
owt
hem butt
henur
se
bl
ockedme
Me:
"No!
!!Iwantmyson!
!!
"

#Amanda

MyphonebeepedinmypocketasIshoppedfor
babyclot
hesandfood.Iwasgoi
ngtogetKhensani
a
decentmealwhenIwasdoneshoppi
ng,Ihopeshe
l
ikesKFCbecauseit
'smyfavour
it
ealso.

Taki
ngi
tout
,Ir
eadt
hemessaget
hatcamet
hrough
"
It
sdone"
Bheki
.Thatmeantshewasdead.

Tobecont
inued

Li
ke,
shar
eandcomment

Alit
tl
esomet
hingwhi
l
eKamogel
oisst
il
lmour
ning
heraunt
.
Lov
e,
Tumi
e
HERSTRUGGLE

CHAPTER40

TWOWEEKSLATER

Khensani

Thosepastt woweekshav ebeenhect i

cIdon' twant
tolie.Fr om Aphi webei ngsi ckf oraweek, Iwas
stressedt hatweek.He' sstil
ly oungtobei nandout
ofhospi tals.Iam thinkingofgoi ngtolookf orajob,
Amandahasdonesomuchf orme.I t'
stime.To
standupgoandl ookf orajob.Af t
erIwas
dischar gedatt hehospi tal
Idi dn'thaveany wheret o
go.Idi dn' twantt osuf f
erthat '
swhyIagr eedt ostay
withAmandaev enthoughi twasawkwar datf ir
st
butIgotusedt oit.Beingamamai sgreatbutIdi dn'
t
picturei ttobel ikethis,nothav i
ngany wheret ostay.
Ihaddr eams, dreamsofbecomi nganindependent
l
ady,wakeupinthemorni
ngdr
ivemyki
dst
oschool
,
buti
twasallj
ustadream.

Amanda:"
OhhIsawt
hatAphi
we'
snappi
eswer
e
aboutt
ofi
nish"
Ifi
nal
lyagr
eedforhert
onamehim.EventhoughI
hadmynamei nmyhead,whichi
swhywedeci ded
togiv
ehim bot
hnamesAphiweNkatekoNgobeni.
He'susi
ngmysurname
Me:
"Ohhyes,
Iwasgoi
ngt
otel
lyoumay
bei
tsl
i
pped
mymind"
Amanda:
"Okay
,I'
l
lpassbycl
i
cksl
ater
"
Me: "
Thanky ou"Idi
dn'thav
easaywheni t
'scomet o
Nkateko.Amandai stheonewhobuy sev
erythi
ngfor
him,butit
'sgoingtobemor ehect
icwhenhestart
s
teet
hing.
Amanda:"Okay,sharpI'
l
l bei
nmyway "sheki
ssed
hi
scheek.AfterIbreast
feedhim hei
mmediat
elyf
ell
asl
eep.
Me:
"Pl
easedon'
twakehi
m.Youknowhowhei
s".
he
l
ovescryi
ng.Moreespeci
all
ywhenhe'
snothear
ing
myvoiceorscent
Amanda:
shel
aughed"
Bye"shewentout
.

Theseday sshe'
snott hear rogantAmandaIknew,
shecor rectsmymi stakesi nagoodmanner .She
doesn'tshoutsomet imesshebat ht hebabywhen
she'sfree.Iknowwhatshedi d,Ican'tpunishthe
babytonothav earelationshipwi t
hhi sotherfamil
y.
Iwanthi m growingupknowi ngwher ehecomes
from,Iam goi ngtotellhim howhewasmade.Just
forhimt oknowt hatrapi ngawomani t'
snot
somethi ngtoplaywith.It '
snotgood!Whenshel ef
tI
wenttol ayhim onthebed, butoncehest art
st o
crawlhe' l
lsl
eepont hef l
oorsot hathedoesn' tfall
thenatt henightwewi llsleeptogether.

#Amanda.

Thedr
ivet
oament
alhospi
tal
wasn'
tthatl
ong,
Iwas
goingtomeetwi t
hdad.Hecoul dn'tcomethedayI
cal
ledhim, apparentl
y,somethi
ngcameup.Idi dthe
usuallucki
l
yi twasal uncht
imewhi chishel
dinthe
garden,whenIar ri
vedIfounddadal readyt
her
e.
Theywer ehav i
ngat enseconversati
on

Me:"
Dad"Iwentt
ohughi
m.I
t'
sbeenl
ongsi
nceI
sawhi
m
Dad:
"Nana,
youl
ooksopr
ett
y"Il
aughed
Me:
"Don'
tbeasi
l
lyol
dman"
Dad:
"Yougr
ownAmanda"
Me:
"Don'
tactl
i
key
ousawmel
asty
ear
"
Dad:
"Butei
ghtmont
hs"
Me:
"Iam sor
ry"
Dad:
" Youcouldn'
tev
ent
ell
met
hatmysoni
sina
mentalhospi
tal"
Me:"
Iwasgoi
ngt
otel
lyoubaba,
Ijustdi
dn'
thav
e
t
ime"
Dad:
"Okay
"het
ookasi
t
Me:
"Di
dhet
ell
youwhyhe'
sher
e?"
Dad:"
yeshedid.Thequestioniswhydidyoul i
e
Amanda?Yousai dhewasi nherebecausehewas
di
str
actedbywhat '
shappeningtohi
sbabymama
andhesaidsomet hi
ngdif
ferent
?Thather apedher
?
Andshebewitchedhim?"

Isi
ghed

Me:"Ij
ustwant
edtosavehim baba,t
omakeyouf or
onceseegoodinhim.Thewomansher apedis
stay
ingwithmenowandt hechil
d.Khumbul
ani
doesn'
twanttoacceptt
hatheisthefat
her
,whichis
whyhei si
nhere"
Dad:"Okay,Lanii
sgoingwi thustoday.He'sgoingto
askforforgi
venesstoherancest or
sandt helady.I
madeat horoughresearchbef or
ecomi nghere.
Thi
ngsar ebad,theywil
l st
il
lremainbadf ory
ou.
Thi
sisancest or
srelat
ed"
Khumbul
ani
:"Butdad.
..
"
Dad:"That'
snotupfordi
scussi
on.Iam goi
ngt
otake
yourcar,i
PhoneandyourMacBook"
Khumbul
ani
:"Forwhat
?"
Dad:"You'r
eanol
dman.Yourmatesarealr
eady
dri
vi
ngt hei
rowncar
s,t
hey
'r
estay
inginthei
rown
houses"
Amanda:"Somear emar r
iedkhumbul
ani.Thi
si sl
i
fe,
I
'll
diedadwilldi
e,you'
l
lhavenoonet oruntowhen
thi
ngsgowr ong.Youhavet ol
earnt
obeony our
own,Iwon'tbealwaystheretocl
earyourshi
t"
Dad: "
Language,Yoursi
sterisri
ght.I
'
llmakeaplan
toclearyourcr
iminalr
ecord.Youwon'tgetany
mont hl
yall
owance,Iwanty outogoouttherehust
le
forajob.Havesomet i
mef oryourson.Doitf
orhim
now."
Khumbulani
:"That
'snotmychil
d.Yes,Iagr
eeIr
aped
herbutIdi
dn'ti
mpr egnat
eher
.Idon'
tknowwhoshe
sl
eptwithbutthat
'snotmychil
d"

It
ookoutmyphoneandshowhi
mthebi
rt
hmar
k
t
hatwasonhi
schest

"
Andthi
s?Howdoyouexpl
ainthi
s?The
r
esembl
ancehowdoyouexpl
ainit
?"
Khumbul
ani
:
"Amanday
oubel
i
evei
nsuper
sti
ti
ons?
"
Me:
"Thechi
l
dhasy
ourbi
rt
hmar
kLani
!"
Khumbul
ani
stut
ter
ed"
I.
.am."
Dad:
"Ri
ght
,Iam goingt
osigny
ououtbecause
cl
ear
lyt
her
e'snothi
ngwrongwi
thy
ou."
Khumbul
ani
:"Idon'
tknowhowt
olookatherdad"
Dad:"It
'ssoeasyson.Askf
orfor
giv
eness.Showher
thatyoumeani t,
I'
ll
buyagoatt
oofferher
ancestors"henodded
Amanda:"That'
smyLi
lbr
other
,Iam pr
oudofy
ou
ki
ddo"Ismiled
Khumbul
ani
:"Doy
out
hinkshe'
l
lfor
giv
eme?
"
Amanda:"Idon'
tknow.Butshemanagedtoforgi
ve
me,whatwillmakehernottofor
giv
eyou.Justbe
posi
ti
ve.Anywayletmegot owork"
Dad:
"Okay
,I'
l
lsi
gnhi
m outt
hen"

It
humbedout

#Vel
ba.

"
Youl
ookgood"shechuckl
ed
Her
:"
Thi
sismyhomenow,
Ihadt
oaccepti
toneway
ort
heot
her"
Me:
"Igety
ou"
Her
:"
Youdon'
tseem okayt
hough,
what
'swr
ong?
"
Me:
"Ev
ery
thi
ngi
swr
ongmamaKhensani
."
Her
:"
Aremyki
dsokay
?"
Me:"Gugul
ethuhasbeenhav i
ngwei r
ddreams.They
scareher,
itfeel
sast houghtheyarereal
.Iwould
fi
ndherlit
erall
yshaki
ng.Shesscar edofever
ything.
ThisonetimeIhadt owat ermyfl
ower s,
shecried
becauseshesai dshesawbl ood.
"
Isi
ghed
Me:
"It
ookhert
oaseer
"
Her
:"
Whatdi
dtheseersay
?"
Me:"
Doyouhav
eanyancest
ral
hist
ory
?Di
dyouhav
e
any
onewhohadacal
li
ng?"
Her:
"Mymot her.Shewast hemostpowerf
ul
tr
adi
tionalheal
erinGiyane.I
twaspassedontoher
byhergrandmot her
."
Me:
"Khensani
hasi
ttoo"
Shekeptqui
etandl
ookedatme
Me:"Theseersai
dshehadacal
l
ingandsheshoul
d
accepti
t"
Her
:"
OhmyGod.
..
.Whywoul
dmymot
herdot
his?
"
Shecr
ied
Her:
"Khensanidoesn'
tdeservet
hisVelba!My
daughterhadbeenthroughtheworst
!!Whywoul d
shechooseherofal l
peoplewhyVelba!"Shesobbed.
Ist
oodupt ogohugherbutt
hepr
isonwar
dershook
herheadno.
Isatdownandsi
ghed.
..

.
.

Me:"Gugu"Ineedtoclar
if
ysomet
hing.Khensani
can'
tjustdi
sappearf
rom meandnotcall
Her
:"Aunt
y?"
Me:
"Haskhensani
cal
l
edy
ou?Hav
eyouguy
stal
ked"
Her:"
Noma.Butshesai
dshe'
l
lcomebackonce
ever
ythi
ngi
ssor
ted"
Me:"NoGugu,
thi
nk.Somet hi
ngiswrongwit
hthat
chi
l
d,whywouldshedisappearandnotcont
actme"
sheshr
ugged
Her
:"
Idon'
tknow.May
beshe'
sinMi
drand"
Me:
"She'
sst
il
lwor
kingt
her
e?"
Her
:"Idon'
tknow.May
beshe'
sther
e,l
et'
sgoand
checkher
"
Me:
"Idon'
thav
emoneyf
ort
axi
far
e?"
Her:
"it
'sfi
neaunty.Sheleftmewit
hahundr
edr
and.
Hopeful
ly
,itwi
llcoverbothofus"
Me:
"Itwi
l
l,cl
eany
ourl
egsandwearboot
s.Ther
e's
t
oomuchdust"
Her
:"Okay
"

shewetherafacecl
othandcleanedherl
egs.I
appl
i
edCar ol
i
neonmyf ace,
justtogi
veital
ight
complet
ion

AtMi
drand.

Werangthei
ntercom.Khensani
wel
comedusit.I
washappywefoundher.Shehadgai
nedwei
ghtin
j
ustaspaceoffewweeks.Shewasdarkt
hough.
Khensani
:"Aunt
ycomein"shewasconf
used"si
t
down.ShouldIgety
ousomethi
ngtodri
nk?"
Me:
"No,
thanky
ou"
Khensani
:"Gugunwanamhani
.Kunj
hani
(Babysi
s,
howareyoudoing?)
"
Gugu:
"I
'm good"
Khensani
:"Engl
i
shbabygir
l,Yi
humahi t
i
nhopfu"
(YourmodelcEngl
ish)"shel
aughed
Me:
"Okay
,Iwaswor
ri
edKhensani
"

Khensani
clear
edhert
hroat
Her
:"
Iam sor
ryIl
ostmyphone"
Me:"Buty
oucouldn'
tcomeandcheckonus?Did
youhavetodi
sappearj
ustl
i
kethat
?Withoutat
race:
Khensani:"
Beenbusyl
atelyaunt
y,Icoul
dn'
tcome
outofthehouse"someladycameoutwear i
ngat
-
shi
rtonly
.
Her
:"Khensanit
hebabyiscr
ying,
Iam sor
rybutI
t
ri
edtogivehim paci
fi
er"
Khensani
:"i
t'
sOkay
"shest
oodup
Her
:"Hel
l
o,am Amanda"
Me:
"Hi
Amanda.Howar
eyou,
mychi
l
d?"
Amanda:
"Am okay
"shest
oodupandl
eft
Khensani
:"auntyl
etmegoandcheckNkat
eko.Am
coming"shestoodup.

Me:
"What
'sgoi
ngonher
eGugu?
"
Gugu:
"Idon'
tknow.I
ssheababy
sit
ter
?"
Me:"
Ithi
nkso,
butwhywoul
dtheycal
lababy
Nkat
eko?"
Gugu:"
Idon'tknow"sheshr
uggedKhensani
came
backholdi
ngababywi t
haMi ckeymousebl
anketI
thi
nk.I
twasbl ackandr
edincolor
Khensani:
"Aunt
ymeetmyson, NkatekoGuguthat'
s
yournephew"shehandedhi
mt oher.Iwasconfused?
Whywoul dsheli
ethatshemiscar
ri
ed
Khensani
:"Icant
ellbyyourf
aci
alexpr
essionthat
youwantanexplanati
on.Gugucanyouplease
excuseus?"
Gugu:
"Wher
ewi
l
lIgoKhensani
?"
Khensani
:"Okaygot
othekit
chen,
there'
sapl
ateof
foodIwasabouttoeat
.Youcaneat"
Gugu:
"Okay
"
Khensani
:"Got
hatway
"
*
Khensani
:"I
t'
sbeenhect i
caunty,
Idon'twannalie.
"
Shepull
eduphert -
shir
t"Iwasoperated.Here"aft
er
shetol
dmet hewhol enews,Ihadtoplacethebaby
onmybackandcomf orther
.Khensaniwentthrough
alot
,she'
stooy oungforwhatshewentt hr
ough.
Nobodydeservethat

Me: "
It
'sinthepastnowbabygir
l.Focusonraisi
ng
yourchil
d,standupgooutther
eandl ookforajob.
Thispit
ypar t
yit
'sendi
ngt
odayokay ?"Shenodded
Me:"wipey
ourt
ear
syoudon'
twanty
ourbabyt
osee
youcry
.Butwhydi
dn'
tyout
ell
me?"
Khensani
:"Idi
dn'twantt
ori
skGugu'
sli
fe.
"She
wipedherl
efttears
Me: "
Iunderstand,any
wayGuguwashav i
ngwei r
d
dreamst hatIhadtogoandvi
sitasangoma"she
nodded."Het ol
dmet haty
ouhaveacalli
ng,youcan
seethingsthatareaboutt
ohappen"shelaughed
Khensani:
"Acall
ingaunt y.No,Idon'
tbel
ievesuch
butthankyouforstoppingby .Inowfeel
free,
Idon't
haveloadinmyshoul ders"
Me:"youhavetogoandv
isi
thi
m.Orel
sey
ou'
l
l
cont
inuestr
uggle"
Khensani
:"Okayaunt
y"
Me:"Okaynowgoandgetawat erf
ory
ouraunt
y"
shesmiledandwentt
otheki
tchen.

Khensani
:"youknowauntythewasonceasangoma
athome."befor
eshecouldfini
sht
hedooropened,
Khensaniwasshockedthatsheev
enlett
heglass
f
all
.

#Cl
ara(
Ntokozo'
smot
her
)

Mysister
'sf
uneral
wentwell.Iwasthankf
ultot
he
communitysuppor
ted.Theysuppor
tedherinmany
waysthanone.
Nt okozowasnott heret
hough.She'sstil
linthe
hospi t
al,Idon'tknowwhomadet hemat t
erswor se
byshoot ingheri nhospit
ali
ty,
she'sbeeni nICUf or
twoweekst hatshehadt omissthef uner
al.I'
ll
go
backt owor konceev erythi
ngissorted,Idon'twant
tol eavethisplaceinmess.NoMt handazowasa
cleanf r
eak.

Tobecont
inued

Li
ke,
shar
eandcomment
HERSTRUGGLES

CHAPTER41

#Khensani

Iwasl
i
ter
all
yshaki
ngj
ustbyseei
nghi
m.
Aunt
yVel
bast
oodupandr
ushedt
ome.Ipani
cked
Her
:"
Khensi
..
"
Me:
"I
..I
"Ist
utt
ered
Her
:"
What
'swr
ong.
."
Isi
ghedl
ooki
ngatKhumbul
ani
whowal
kedi
nwi
th
someman..

Amandawal
kedi
ntoo,
wit
hGugul
ethu
Amanda:
"Lani
!I'
m happyy
ouar
efi
nal
l
yhome.
."
Vel
ba:
"Letmehel
pyoucl
eant
hat
..
"
Amandal
ookedatt
hebr
okengl
ass
Her
:"
What
'swr
ong?Whathappened?
"
Me:
"Not
hing.I
..
.I'
mjust
..
"
Vel
ba:
"Shhh.
."
Icoul
dn'
tbr
eat
h.
Sheaskedmet osi
tont
hechai
randr
ushedt
oget
meagl assofwat
er
Amanda:"
Khensiwhat
'swr
ong?
"Sher
ushedt
ome
andkneelbef
oreme
Her
:"
What
'swr
ongnana.
."
Me:
"I
'm notwel
l
.."
Vel
bahandedt
heglassofwat
ert
omeandIqui
ckl
y
gul
pedthewat
erdown
Idi
dn'
texpecttoseehi
m homesosoon.Nott hatI
hat
edthathewasback,it
'shissi
ster
'shomeafteral
l
.
ButIf
earedthathewoul
dr apemeagain.
I
'm notreadyt
ogobackther
e,t
herapehas
destr
oyedmeandIjustcan'
tgobackt
here.
..Ican'
t.
.
Isi
ghed

Ev
eryonewai
tedf
ormet ocal
m downbef
ore
Amandacoul
dint
roducethemantous
Her:
"Thi
sismyfather
.Dad,
thi
sher
eisKhensani
.
She'
sKhumbulani
'sbabymamaandthi
sisherAunt
andyoungsi
ster
"
Herdadnodded

Dad:
"I
'm gl
adheraunti
sher
esowecant
alk"

Weal
lwal
kedt
otheki
tchen
Amanda:"
Gugu,
nanayoucangowatchov
ert
he
chi
l
d.Ishowedyouhi
sroom r
ight
?"
Gugul
ethunoddedandst
oodandwal
kedaway
.
Dad:
"Khumbul
ani
sitdown"
Hesatdown.
Hecouldn'
trai
sehi
sey est
ofaceme.Somet
hing
abouthi
m hadchanged.
Hewasj
ustqui
et
Velba:
"Khensani
whydi
dn'
tyout
ell
met
hiswasy
our
babydaddy '
shome?
"
Me:
"Iwor
kedher
eAunt
y"
Her
:"
Andy
ouf
ell
inl
ovewi
thhi
m?"
Me:
"Youdon'
tunder
stand.
."
Her
:"
Makemeunder
stand"
Me:"Herapedme! !Itshi
schildbecauseherapedme.
Iusedtoworkf orhissist
er,Amandaandher aped
me...
"Iwasv eryclosetolosi
ngit.
.Therewasalump
onmyt hroat
,itmadei thardformet oswal
low
Dad:
"Aunt
ydon'
tbet
oohar
shonher
..
."
Velba:"I
'
m not .I
'
mj ustdi
sappoi
ntedatthefactthat
Khensani choset oli
veheret
hanwi thme.Ithought
thi
swomanwashel pi
ngherbecausesheusedt o
workf orher,butclear
lyshei
shelpingherbecause
carri
edt hei
rchild"
Dad:"Idoubt.Lani
wasi nament alhospi
talbecause
ofwhathedi dtot
hischild.Ialsoconsul t
edmy
prophetsbeforecomi nghereandt heytoldmet hi
s
wasbi ggerthanallofusher e.Icameal ltheway
fr
om East er
nCapet ofi
xalloft his.
"
Ther
ewassi
l
ence
Dad:
"Lani
don'
tyouhav
eany
thi
ngt
osayt
othi
sgi
rl
?"
Hekeptqui
et
Dad:
"Lani
?"
Khumbul
ani
:
"I'
m sor
ry"hesai
dsi
l
ent
ly
Hisdad:
"Khumbul
ani
apol
ogi
set
oher
.That
'snotan
apol
ogy"
Hi
m:"
I'
m sor
ryKhensani
"
Ichuckl
edi
ndi
sbel
i
ef
Me:
"ForwhatKhumbul
ani
?"
Hekeptqui
et
Me:"Forwhat?Huh?Ar eyouapologisi
ngbecause
yourfatheri
saski
ngy outoapologiseorar
ey ou
apologi
singforal
lthethi
ngsyoudi dtome?Ar eyou
apologi
singformeslappingmebecauseIdi dn't
knowhowt omakey outheEngl ishbreakfasty ou
wanted?Orar eyouapologisingforslappingme
becausey outhr
ewAmanda' sunder wearsatmeand
tol
dmet oweart hem becausei twoul dbet heonly
wayy ouwouldfindmesexy ?Orf orcalli
ngme
names?Orf orrapi
ngme?Orf orslappingmeback
ther
eatthemal lbecauseIwant edt otellpeople
whatkindofanani malyouar e?Orf ordeny i
ng
NkatekowhenIneededy ourhelp?Whatar ey ou
apologi
singfor?
"

Iwasnowsobbi
ngsobad.Ev
ery
thi
ngIsai
dcame
wit
hpain.
..

#Vel
ba

Iwashonest l
yhurtbywhatKhensani
hasdone.I
thoughtshewouldtrustmeenoughtotel
lme
everyt
hing,
butitwasclearshewassomeoneIdi
dn'
t
know
Amandasuggestedthatshedrov
eusbackto
Tembisa.Ipi
ckedNkateko.Hewasr
eal
lycut
eand
chubby.
.
HehadKhesani
'
slooks.
..
"
Hel
l
onana.
."
Isai
dtohi
m.Hewassucki
nghi
sthumb.
..
Me:
"Hei
ssocut
e..
"
Isai
dtoKhensani
Shesmi
l
ed
Me:
"Whenwi
l
lyouv
isi
tusi
nTembi
sa?
"
Her
:"
Idon'
tknow.I
'
llcomeoncehi
sfi
tenought
o
t
rav
el"
shewascalm
Me:
"Onemont
h?"
Shechuckl
ed
Her
:"
Thr
ee"
Me:
"OkayDon'
tbeast
ranger
."
Her
:"
I'
ll
comeaunt
y"
Igav
ethechi
l
dtoher
Me:"Andthi
nkaboutwhatIt
oldy
ouaboutt
he
ancestor
s.m"
Shei
gnor
edme.

Sheki
ssedGugul
ethubef
orewewal
kedout
..
.

Hopef
ull
yshewoul
dacceptt
his.

#Khumbul
ani

Khensaniwassomewhereint
hehouse.Mydadt
oo.
Iknowhewassi t
ti
ngoutsi
de,
justwat
chi
ngthev
iew.
Heenjoyeddoi
ngthat
..
Iwalkedint
hebabynurser
y.Thechi
l
dwassl
eepi
ng
peaceful
l
yonhisbed.

Khumbul
ani
:"Boyboy
..
..(
Isi
ghed)
Idon' tknowr eall
y ...Iam sosor r
yf ornegl ect i
ngy ou.
Ipromi set obet her ebyy oursi de,Ipromi set ot ake
careofMommy .Yourmot heri sav eryst rong
woman, Irespectherf orthat.Shewentt hroughal ot
butshe' sst il
lstandi ngandbr eathing.Ir especther
forthat .Aphi wepl easedonotdowhatIdi dt oy our
mom.Isuf f
ered, Isawt hings.It rendednakedbut
that'
snot hingcompar edtot hewoundt hatIopened
i
ny ourmot her'
shear t.Pl
easer espectt hatwoman,
alway saskf oradv icef r
om y ourmom.Iwanty outo
bet hebi gboyy ouar e.Youknowwhent heyt ellme
atfirstthatIhav easonIcoul dn'
tbel i
eve, It old
my selft hatthey'rel y i
ngunt ilyouraunt yshowedme
yourpi cturet hat'
swhenIr ealizedt hatIhav et oman
upandbet herefort hecr eationt hatGodcr eated.I
don'twantt obel iket hebabydaddi esoutt her ewho
abandont heirchildr en.Let'sbegr atef
ul thaty our
grandf atheropenedmyey es."
Iwi
pedmyt
ear
s
"Justdon'
tdowhatIdid,
thatwashear
tl
essofme.
From thr
owingaplat
etoyourmom'sfacethatwas
evil
.Iknowit'
sgoi
ngtotakelongf
orKhensanit
o
f
orgi
vemebutIpr omiset
oworkhar
dtoearnher
f
orgi
veness.Ipr
omisetogi
vey
ouevery
thi
ngthat
y
ouwant .
"
Voice:"
I'
m gladyousawy ourmistakes,I
'
m gl
adthat
You'r
ereali
singyourwrongdoings"itwasKhensani
,
shewasl eaningonthedoorfr
ame
Me:
"Thanky
ouKhensani
"shecamet
osi
tbesi
deme
Khensani:
"Shoul
dItel
lyouwhatyourev
il
nessput
met hr
ough?Doy ouwanttoknowthemonstery
ou
were?"Iswal
lowedtheLumpandnodded
Khensani :"
It'
sallstart
edwhenIwassi xy earsold,I
wasr apedbymyst epfather.Mom coul dn'
trepor ti
t
forsomeot herreasons, hewoul dstopmaki nglove
tomyMom andf or
cehi msel fonme. "Shet oldme
everythingfrom beingoper atedtobeingmout h
raped, shewasnowcr y i
ng.Isoot hedher,takingher
i
nmyar ms..Ithoughtshewasgoi ngtofightmebut
shedidn' t
.Sheev entuall
yleanedi nandpl acedher
headonmychest .Ithinkwest ayedfor5mi nutes
withhersobbi ng.
Me:
"It
'smyf
aul
tthaty
ouhadt
ofi
ndy
our
sel
fin
Soweto,Iam sosor ry
"shelookeduptome.She
l
eanedi nforakiss,Imovedmyhead.Idon'
twant
hert
ot hinkthatItooktheadvant
age
Khensani
:"Makel
ovet
ome"
Me:
"Khensani
"
Khensani
:"Youoweme"
Me: "Iknow,buttrustmey oudon'twantt oregreti
t.I
don'twanty outobl ameyoursel
f.You'l
lfi
nda
perfectmanf oryou, amanthatyou'lll
ovewi t
hall
yourhear t
.Amant hatyouwon'tlookupandsay
that"heoncer apedme"t hankyouf orall
owingmei n
hisli
fe.He'scutelikeyou.Thanky ouforthi
sgift.
"
Ist
oodupandl
efther

#Khensani

Ideci
dedonhav
inganear
lyni
ghtaf
tert
hedi
nner
.
Ilef
teveryonei
nthesi
tti
ngroom.If
eltadt
hough
theyneededtotal
kasfamil
y.
Amandasai
dshewouldputOwethutosl
eep.Iwas
fi
newit
hit
.Heenj
oyedhi
spacif
iert
hanbreastmil
k
anyway
.

Fal
l
ingasl
eepwasn'
thar
d,Iwasj
ustt
ir
ed.Thi
schi
l
d
mademet i
red.
.

"What'
sgoingon?
"Iaskedmygrandmot
her.She
stoodatt
hedoorway.Shehadawhit
ecl
othinher
arm
Her
:"
come.
."
Me:
"Wher
eisNkat
eko?
"
Her
:"
Hei
sfi
ne.
.Justcomet
ome.
..
"
Me:
"Gr
anny
?"
Shesmi
l
ed
Her
:"
Comenana"
Ist
oodf
rom t
hebed,
Iwal
kedt
oher
.
Her
:"
Taket
his,
weari
t"
Shehandedt
hewhi
tecl
otht
ome
Me:
"What
'st
hisf
or?
"
Her
:"
Weari
t.
.Comewi
thme"
Iwrappedthecl
othar
oundme.Iwal
kedoutoft
he
bedroom wit
hher.
Wewal
kedoutoft
hehouse.
..
Her:
"I
'm goi
nggoshowy
ouy
ourknewhome
Khensi
..
"
Iwal
kedwi
thher
..
.

Tobecont
inued

Li
keshar
eandcomment

Notedi
ted
HERSTRUGGLE

CHALTER42

GUGULETHU.

Shesatont
hecor
neroft
hebed.Isatupst
rai
ghtt
oo
Her:"Don'tt
rytosearchforKhensanibabygi
rl.She'
s
safe,she'
swi t
hus.Iwon'tbotheryouanymore,go
outthereandenj oyyouryoungage.Iam sor
ryfor
maki ngyoustruggle.
"
Me:"
hinwi
namani?Hi
kokwal
ahokayi
nini
tshama
ni
khenimivona?(
Whoareyou?Andwhydoy ou
al
waysappearinmydr
eams?")
Her:
"Am yourgr
eatgr
andmot
her
.I'
m wat
chi
ngov
er
you.Youaresaf
e..
"
Me:
"Whatdoy
ouwant
?"
Her
:"
Youar
esaf
enow.
."
Me:
"Wher
eisKhensani
?"
Her
:"
Shei
ssaf
e..
"

Aunt
yVel
ba:
"Gugu,
wakeup"sheshookcount
less
ti
mes
Isatupst
rai
ght
.What
'sgoi
ngon
Aunt
yVel
ba:
"Gugu?
"
Me:"
I'
minsaf
ehandsnow.Don'
tl
ookf
orme.I
'
m
saf
e."
Her
:"
Gugu.
."sheshookme.
Huh?
"
Il
ookedather
Me:
"Aunt
y?"
Her
:"
What
'sgoi
ngon?
"
Iwasconf
used.
.
Aunt
yVelba:
"I
sitthedr
eamsagai
n?"Sheaskedwi
th
aconcer
nedvoice
Me:
"Buti
twaswei
rdt
odayaunt
y"
AuntyVelba:
"Idon'
tknowwhat'
swrongGugu,I
thoughtt
heseerwasgoi ngt
ohelpus,
buti
tlooks
l
ikeshefail
ed"
Me:
"I
'm scar
ed.Am Igoi
ngcr
azy
?"
Aunt
yVel
ba:
"Nomyangel
.You'
renotcr
azy
"
Me:"
Thenwhatsgoingonmywhati fIsl
eepinthe
cl
assanddream aboutt
his.Whatwil
lmyfel
low
cl
assmatessay
s?Thi si
snotokay,am l
osi
ngit
"
Aunt
yVelba:
"Don'
tthi
nkaboutitNana.Youdon'
t
wanttobesi
ckdoy ouwant?"
Me:"No,
butpleasehelpmeaunt y.Pl
easemaket he
dreamsdisappear
."Iwasshakingher.Myhands
wereholdi
ngherwai stt
ight
ly,
Iwasaf r
aidofl
ett
ing
hergo.
Iwast
ir
edoft
hisdr
eams.Theyscar
edme.
AuntyVel
ba:
"I
t'
sokaymygi
rl
,l
etmegoandmake
soupfory
ou"
Me:
"But
,wai
t.Khensani
aunt
ykhensani
"
Aunt
yVel
ba:
"What
'swr
ongwi
thhersi
s?"
Me:
"Thedreams,t
heyweretal
ki
ngabouther
.They
menti
onedsomethi
ngaboutnotl
ooki
ngforher
"a
smi
letuggedatt
hecor
nersofhermouth
AuntyVelba:
"That
'swhyI'm sayi
ngdon'tworr
y.She'
s
saf
e.Letmegoandwar m waterthenf
ixthesoup"
shetappedmyshoul der.Igiggl
edasshewentout .

#Khensani
.

Itwascold,v
er ycold.Isearchedf ormybl anket
.I
couldn'
tfi
ndit.Itwasr eal
lycold.Whywast hebed
sohar dandcold?It ur
nedandt ossed.Icouldn'
t
sleep.
Nowait
..I
'
m outside.
.Iwasoutsi
de.What
'sgoi
ngon?
HowdidIgethere?Whathappenedtome?Whereis
t
hispl
ace?

Havey
ouev erwokenupint hemiddl
eofnowhere?
Ofast
rangeandscaryplace?.Didsomeonepi
ck
meupwhileIwasasleepandl eav
emehere?What
madet hemat t
erswor sewasmyni ghtdr esswas
dir
tyandt or
n.Ihaddr yl
eafsandmyhandwer edirt
y
l
ikeIwaspl ayi
ngint hemud.Ihadawhi tebr acel
et
aroundmyneck, Itri
edremov i
ngitbutitwast oo
strong.Ipl
acedmyhandonmychest ,pleaseGod
protectme.Ipanickedtry
ingtofi
ndmywayhome.I
wassobbi ng,t
hoset worondavel
swer etooscar y
.

Iwasst andingi nbetweenthem, t

herewasaski nof
asnakei nt hemi ddl
eandacowski nonthewal l
outsidether ondav el
s.ThedooropenedwhenIwas
aboutt oopen, Imetsomemanwi t
hav erydi
rty
dreadlocks, hewaswear i
ngar edandblackhead
wrapov erhi shead.Hi shandshadbl ueandwhite
beadsal soar oundhisneck.Hehadcatey esthey
wer egrey,If elthotwarm waterbetweenmyt hi
ghs,
I
l
ookeddownembar assed.I
twascl eart
hatIj
ustwet
my self
.

Hi
m: "
Andwhoareyoust
andingher
eAt4am i
nthe
morning?
"Ther
ewasabigl
ightbet
weenthehouses.
Henot i
cedabr
aceletsthatIhadandsmil
e
"Xi
kumbuy ouf
inall
ycame? "Heaskedl
ooking
str
aighti
nmyey es.Hiscateyeswerer
eal
lyscar
y..
Hi
m:"
Don'
twor
ry,
you'
rei
nther
ightpl
acecomei
n"

Me:
"No,
Whydi
dyoust
eal
me?Pl
easet
akemeback
Him:"
Iam afrai
dyoucan'
tgobackGogo,
thi
shasto
bedone.Pleasedon'
tmakethematt
erswor
se,i
tis
al
readyworse"
Hisv
oicewassocr acky
.It
rembledinfear.It
urned
andtr
ytorunawaybutIwasmetwi t
ht wowomen
wear
ingredcl
othesonlyme:"
Pleaseletmego, I
di
dn'
tdoanythi
ng"
Him:"Gogo,please"theypickedmeup.Whenwe
enter
edt heroom, Ifel
teasy.Ididn'
tcareabout
every
thingaboutt hemoment .Iwasn'
tthi
nki
ng
aboutmyson.

Him:"
Here,puti
toveryourhead"i
twaswhite
headwrap,
Idecidedtoobeyandputiton.
Hi
m:"
You'rei
nsaf epl
ace,we'
regoingtoconnect
wi
thyourancestor
s.pl
easebl
owi nhere"hegave
measnafuandaskedmeaskedmet oputitt
hrough
mynose.Iobeyed

Hedi dhisscar
ysoundsandpi
ckeduptheanimal
tai
l,
hesepar at
edtheboneswi
thhi
sthi
ng,Iwas
scaredtherewereskul
l
sofani
malsal
laroundthe
house.Andat ai
lofacat.

Him:
"Gogoxikumbu,
y ourancestorsarehappyt
hat
youf
inal
lycametostartyourjourney
"
Me:"
Am notGogo,
Idon'tknowwhatj
our
neyy
ou'
re
t
alki
ngabout
.Butpleaseret
urnmehome"
Him:
"Gogoisyourancest
ralname.Xi
kumbuit
'st
he
nameyou'r
egivenbyyourancest
ors,
you'
l
lhavet
o
usei
tsinceyou'
reaboutt
obeaTwasa"
Me:
"What
?"Iwasweak.Myt
emper
atur
ewashi
gh
Him:
"Youhaveagift
,agi
ftofhel
pingpeopl
eand
seei
ngthi
ngsthatar
eabouttohappen"
Me:"
No,Idon'
tknowany
thi
ngaboutt
hisTwasa.And
goi
ngbackhome"
Him:"
Oncey ougetoutofthatdoor,
knowthatyou'l
l
str
uggle,y
ourstruggl
eswil
lNeverend.Yourbaby
mightdieBecauseofyournegli
gencebutIwon't
for
ceyou.It'
syourchoicet
omake"

Iswal
l
owedt
heLumponmyt
hroatandwentout
Ir
anout
.Ir
anwher
ethegr
avel
wasl
eadi
ngme

#Amanda.

Idon'
tknowwher ekhensani wentt oo.Without
l
etti
ngmeknowatl east,
thebabyhasbeencr yi
ng
nonstop.Am al
onei nthi
shouse.Khumbul ani
went
toajobhunti
ngwithdad, Itwasf r
ustr
ati
ngme.How
canshegowi t
houtpumpi ngmi l
kf ort
hebaby ?I
tr
iedtogoogl
ewhatmi ghtbewr ongwithhim but
nothi
ng,It
ri
edtofeedhi mi nstantmi l
kbuthedi dn'
t
wantanyofthat.I
'
vebat hehi m,changedhi snappies
butnothingandthi
swasworr
yingme.Whatif
somethingiswrongwi
thhi
m, t
hedooropenedwhi
l
e
Iwasbusybumpi nghi
m Up.I
twaskhumbulani
thankGod.

Lani
:
"Hey,what
'sgoi
ngon?Whyar
eyouguy
s
fi
ght
ing"
Me:
"Justt
akey
ourbabyKhumbul
ani
I'
mti
red"
Lani
:
"Whyi
shecr
ying?
"
Me:
"Idon'
tknow,
may
behemi
sshi
smot
her
"
Lani
:
"Wher
edi
dshego?
"
Me:
"Idon'
tknow,
Idi
dn'
tfi
ndhert
hismor
ning"
Lani
:
"youmeansher
anaway
?"
Me:"
NoIdoubt,andhercl
othesarest
il
lther
e.And
shewoul
dn'
tleaveAphiwebehind"
Lani:
"Okayboyboy,daddyi
sher
e"heputdownthe
envel
ope."I
'm goi
ngtotryt
omakehim sl
eep"
Me:
"How?It
riedever
ythi
ng?
"Iwasscreami
ngon
t
opofmyvoice.Hewasmakinganoise.
#Khumbul
ani
.

Iwar medoutwaterforhi
m andtookofhi
scl othes.
KodwaAmanda, hewaswear ingaromper,skinjean
andaj er
seywit
hboot sandshoes.Pl
usthesunwas
blazi
ngoutsi
de.Iplacedhi
m down.Andgivehim his
pacifi
er,
hecal
meddownabi t,i
nnoti
mehef ell
asleep.

Me:"
buty ouhavetoomuchdr amamyboy "Igothi
m
outandclotheshim.Iputhi
mt osl
eepthenlaynext
tohi
m, sendingoutCVtoemai l
stoopenposts.

#Khensani
'
sMot
her
.

Iwasl ayi
ngont opofthepri
sonbedhav i
ngfl
ashi
ng
backsofhowmychi ldstr
uggled,Ithoughtmy
grandmot herwasly
ingwhenshet oldmeabouther
struggle,
Mybabycan' tbeaseer.Shecan'tst
ay
underthewaterforthreeday s,does.Sheknowhow
toki
llagoat?She'stooy oung,Iknowt heancest ors
wil
lhelpherbutshe'samot hertoanewbor n.She
shoul
dbebondi ngwi t
hherchi ldnott his.Khensani
can'
thelppeople,t
hest r
uggl eofgoingt othe
mountainslooki
ngforher bs.Whati fsnakesbi teher
andkil
lher?Whydi dtheychosehert oev enstart
wit
h,oneofmypr i
sonmat escamet osi tnexttome.

Her
:"
What
'swr
ong?Doy
oumi
sshome?
"
Me:"
No,I
'
mthi
nki
ngaboutmychi
l
d.AndIdomi
ss
home"
Her
:"
Ohhy
ouhav
eachi
l
d?
Me:"Yest
wobeaut
if
ulgi
rl
s.Thef
ir
stonehasa
youngbaby"
Her
:"
That
'sgr
eat
,soy
ou'
reagr
andmot
her
?"
Me:
"Yes.I
'
m gr
owi
ng"Il
aughed
Her
:"
butwhywer
eyoucr
ying"
Me:"
Shewasraped,herbabywasstolenandnow
shehasacal
l
ing.Iam cry
ingbecauseofthat
"
Her:
"Don'
tworryfr
iendthere'
salwaysal i
ghtatt
he
endofthetunnel
.Don'tstr
essaboutt hi
s,i
twil
lpass
you'
l
l f
acethefut
ureandf orgetaboutthi
s"
Me:
"your
eckon?
"
Her
:"
Iam sur
eaboutt
his,
comei
t'
sluncht
ime"
Me:
"Thanky
ou"

Tobecont
inued

Li
ke,
shar
eandcomment

Notedi
ted
HERSTRUGGLE

CHAPTER43

Aweekl
ater
.

(
Smal
l
)

#Khensani

It
'sbeenawhi l
eweeksinceIcamebackfrom t
hat
scaryplace.Ihadtoexplai
ntoAmandawhyIwasn't
home, Imanagedt ocomeupwi t
haliehopeful
l
yshe
boughtthest ory
.
Icoul
dn'tgeti
toffmymi ndt hough.ButIwastol
d
thatt
hebabywascr yingnon- st
opunt il
Khumbul
ani
managedt ochangetheclothest hathewasweari
ng,
apparent
lyAmandaalmostsuf f
ocat edmychi
ldwit
h
alotofclot
hes.Evenskinjeans,IlaughedAmanda
i
sdramat
ic,
thebabyi
sst
il
lyoungt
owearapai
rof
j
eans.

SoIaskedt ohelpcreatmyCV.Ir eall

yneededto
startwithl
ookingf orajob,Iwantt obeabl etobuy
thingsformychi l
d, t
opr ov
ideforhim.Af terwashi
ng
hisclothesIri
nsedt hem withsta-softandwentto
disposewat er
.Af t
erIwentt ohangi tandwent
i
nsi dethehouse.Iwasnotusi ngt hewashi ng
machi nesincehisclothesweret oosmal l.Hewas
busyonhi slaptop,thebabywassl eepingnextto
him.

Me:"
Hi"Ipul
l
edt
hebaskett
hatIwashol
dingi
nmy
ar
ms
Hi
m:"
Ohhhey
"her
aisedhi
shead
Me:
"Umm.Cany
oupl
easehel
pme"
Hi
m:"
Ohh,
whatki
ndofhel
pdoy
ouneed?
"
Irubbedmypal
mstoget
herandbi
temyl
owerl
i
p
"Canyoupl
easecr
eat
eaCVf orme?"
Hi
m:"
Okay
,nopr
obl
em"
Me:"
Thankyou,l
etmegoandgett
hedet
ail
s.Shoul
d
It
akethebabywi
th?"
Him:"
Nodon'
t,
it'
sfi
neI
'
llat
tendhi
m whenhewakes
up"
Me:
"Al
ri
ghtt
hanky
ou"

Iwenttomyroom andgr abafi

lewit
hmy
document
s,Ihadwritt
enaCVonahar dcoverpaper
.
He'l
lj
ustf
ixafewthings.Iwentdownstai
rsexci
ted.

Me:
"Her
e,any
wayt
hanky
ou"
Hi
m: "Nopr
obl
em.Cany
oupl
easegetmeagl
assof
j
uice?
"
Me:
"Al
ri
ght
.Whatar
eyoubusywi
th?
"
Him:"OhhIam pl
anni
ngat her
apygroupofmenwho
everabusedwomen,Iwantthem t
ofeelf
reeabout
openingup.
"
Me:
"Ohht
hat
'sgr
eat
,Il
ovet
hei
dea"
Hi
m:"
Youdo?
"
Me:
"Yes"
Hi
m:"Okay,
so.dadaskedmetoasky oui
fyouknow
wher
eyourgrandpar
entsar
erest
ing?
"
Me:"Umm i
t'
sbeeny
ear
ssi
nceIwentt
her
e.Idon'
t
know."
Hi
m: "
Don'
tyouknowany
onewhoknowst
hem?
Maybearel
ati
ve?
Me:"Mymom,
that
'smeansI
'
llhav
etogoandv
isi
t
heri
njai
l
"
Hi
m:"
Pleasedo"hesmi
l
ed

Iwentt
ogetjui
cef
orhi
m andwentupst
air
stocl
ean
aphi
we'
snurser
y

#Gugul
ethu.

Idon'
tknowwhat
'swr
ongwi
thme.Thedr
eamshav
e
disappear edbutI'dseeKhensani 'sbodyl ay i
ngon
topoft herockli
feless.somet i
mesI 'dseehercr yi
ng,
Imi ssher .Imissplayingwi t
hthebaby ,Ireceiveda
repor tyester
day,appar entl
y,If
ail
ed.Wi t
hev erythi
ng
goingoni nmymi ndIam notamazed.Ihat et hatI
somet i
messeeherf acewetwi t
ht ears.Iwentt o
aunt ywhowaswat eri
ngt hegarden, shelov esher
fl
ower ssomuch.Somet imessheev enmakesacup
ofcof feeandgot ositbyhergar denj usttowat ch
them

Me:
"Aunt
y"Ical
l
edheroutpol
i
tel
y
Her
:"Babygi
rlwhat
'
swr
ong?
"
Me:"
CanwepleasegoandseeKhensani
?Ithi
nk
somet
hingi
swrongwit
hherpl
usImi ssher
"
Her
:"I
t'
sokaymygi
rl
,Ial
sowantt
oseeher
.Goand
bat
h"
Me:
"Thanky
ousomuch"
Her
:"Don'
twearaj
eani
t'
stoohot
"
Me:
"Iwon'
taunt
y"
Iwenttoboil
wat er.Thi
stimeIwascareful
, Idon'
t
wanttoburnmyhandl i
kelastti
me.Thefir
et hat
comeswithbur ni
ngt hi
ngsistoomuch.After
soaki
ngmyBodyi nabaseIwentt owearmypi nk
wit
hflowerdressandbeachTom.

Aunt
y:"
Let
'sgobabygi
rl
"
Me:"Okay"Iputont
hepi
nksummerhat
.Thatf
itmý
headperf
ectly

#Khensani

Iwassur
prisedt
ohearAuntyVel
ba'sv
oiceonthe
i
nter
com phone.Ii
nvi
tedheri
n,Isawmysibl
ing
j
umpingup.anddownIwenttohugher.

Me:
"Heymybaby
"
Gugu:
"Hi
sis,
howar
eyoudoi
ng?Imi
ssedy
ou"
Me: "
I'
m sor
ryIcoul
dn'
tvi
sity
ou.Thebabyi
sst
il
l
youngHun"
Gugu:"
Iunder
stand,
that
'snott
hepr
obl
em am her
e
anyway
"
Me:
"Okaycomei
nsi
de.Howar
eyoudoi
ngaunt
y
Vel
ba:"
Am good,anj
ustsur
pri
sedt
haty
ouhav
en'
t
st
art
edwit
hy ourj
our
ney"
Me: "
Ohhthat,don'
tyouwantsomet hi
ngtodri
nk.
Sil
l
yquesti
onl etmegoandgett hejui
ce.Youcansi
t
down"Iwasav oidi
ngthequesti
onbyallmeans.She
sawitandkeptquiet,
Idon'twanttobeafucken
sangoma.Iwentt odi
lut
ejuicewit
hcoldwater,
it
wasOr osj
uicemyf avor
it
e.

Me:
"Sohow'
sschool
Gugu?
"
Gugu:"
I'
vefai
l
edkhensani
.IknowIam notthat
cl
everwhenit
'scometobooksbutI
'v
enev erfai
l
ed
bef
ore"
Me:"Ohhdon'twor
ryaboutthatbabygi
rl
.Ever
yone
f
ail
sy ou'
renott
hefi
rstone.Justworkhar
dbabygir
l
you'
l
lar
chi
veal
lresul
tyouwant
,andy
ou'
l
lmakeme,
mamaandaunt
ypr oud"
Aunt y:"
Khensani whydon'tyouseet hatyour
i
gnor anceisaffecti
ngthechi l
d?Ain'
ty outi
redof
sufferi
ng,you'
renotstayingIny ourhouseincase
youf orgot
.Thingsmayt urnbadf oryou,wherewil
l
yougo?Don' tthinkaboutmyhousebecauseI '
m
tr
yingt oshowy outhepat h.You'r
ejuststubbornf
or
nor eason"
Isi
ghed
Me:"
It
'snoteasyaunty
.Thisisnoteasyam t
ryi
ngt
o
makeevery
thi
ngwor kbutIkeepinfai
li
ng"
Aunt
y:"
Whatmaki
ngy
ouf
ail
mybaby
?"
Me:
"Idon'
tknow"
Aunty:
"Goandfol
l
owy ourcal
l
ing.Thi
ngswi
l
lgo
well
foryou,
Gugulet
'sgo"
Gugu:
"Justl
i
ket
hataunt
y.Iwantt
oseet
hebaby
"
Me:
"thebabyi
sasl
eepbutl
etmegoandwakehi
m"
Gugu:"Nodidn'
t,
it'
sfi
ne.I'
l
lcreateaFacebook
accountusi
ngmyphone' sfr
iend.I'
l
linboxy
outhen
y
ou'
l
lsendmehi
spi
ctur
es"
Me:"OkayNana"Ist
oodupandwentt
oki
ssher
f
orehead"

Ibi
dthem f
arewel
landwentt
ocl
oset
hedoor
.

Tobecont
inued

Li
ke,
shar
eandcomment
HERSTRUGGLE

CHAPTER44

KHENSANI

Therewasav er
ybigsnakel ayi
ngacr osstheroom.
I
twasy el
lowandwhi teincol our.That'
sitIam ti
red
ofthis.Am tir
edofseeingt hissnakeev erynowand
then.ThisisthesamesnakeIsawt heti
meIwas
pregnant.Istoodupitalsomov edtot hedoor.The
doorwaswi deopened,itledmet owher ethebaby
wasr esti
ng.Ikissedhi
sf orehead

Me:"Am goingawayf orawhileNana.It

'sti
meIput
anendt oallofthi
s.ButIpromisetocomeback
str
onger"Iturnedandlookedatthesnake.I twas
nowmaki ngawayoutt othethecorr
idor.Ifoll
owed
i
tuntil
Iwasout si
dethehouse.That'
swhenImet
theGogot hatIwokeupi nhishousetheot herday
Hesmi l
edandpatmyshoulder"
Iseeyousawyour
grandf
ather
.Hehadtocome"Ikeptqui
te"I
t'
sti
me.
Come, l
etmeguidey
ou.Letmeshowy ouyour
path.
."
Me:
"Youmeant
akemet
oli
veundert
hewat
er?
"
Hechuckl
ed
Hi
m:"
Wher
edi
dyougett
hatgogo?
"
Me:
"Won'
tIdr
own?Orgetat
tackedbyCr
ocodi
l
es?
"
Her
:"You'r
eprot
ectedGogoxikumbu.Nothi
ngwil
l
hur
ty ou"Heopenedhisbrownleat
herbagandgave
mear edcl
oth"
Wearthis"
Me:
"Her
eout
side?
"
Her
:"
Noonewill
seeyou"It
ookof
fmyclothesand
wor
etheredcl
otht
hathegaveme.Ir
ounditar
ound
mybody
"Therear
etwoHowardwai
ti
ngforyoubackatmy
hunt.Youneedt
osl
aught
erthem.Brai
thel
iv
erand
eat
Me:
"umm Okay
"
Hi
m:"
ButI
'm nott
heonewho'
sgoi
ngt
ohel
pyou
wi
tht
hisj
ourney"
Me:
"Whatdoy
oumean?
"Iaskedconf
used
Her
:"
ComeI'l
lshowwher
eyouhav
et ogo,
youneed
t
woblackchi
ckenst
ooff
erGogoDlomo"
Me:
"I
sshet
heonewho'
sgoi
ngt
ohel
pme?
"
Her:
"Yes,
yourgr
andfat
herishappy.Hehadt
ocome
onhisown,he'
shappythatyou'
reopeni
nguptoy
our
gi
ft
"
Me:
"Idi
dn'
thav
echoi
ce"
Her:
"Whenyouarri
vether
e,y
oumenti
onwhoyouar
e.
You'
renotKhensaniy
ounamefr
om nowonisGogo
Xi
kumbu"
Me:
"Okay
"Iguesst
hatwast
henamegi
vent
ome.

Iturnedandwal kedtowher
eshedirect
edme.I
didn'tuseanytaxisi
ncei
twasinthemiddl
eofthe
forest,Iwasn'
tweari
nganyshoes.Iwashol
dingt
wo
blackchi ckensi nmyhands.Theywer eheav y
,itwas
hott hesunwasbl azi
ng.Ithi
nki twasar ound34. 8°C
that '
showhoti twas.Ihadt oclimbr ocksandpass
ri
v ers.Iwasscar edbutIhadlittl
efaithinme, t
hat
not hingwi l
lhappent ome.Isawt hreesmal l
rondav elsinfrontofme.Ibeemedi nexci t
ement ,I
wassot i
redt owor k,
thatIhadt odrinkdirt
ywat er
from t her iverthatIcameacr oss.WhenI
appr oachedt hehuntt hatwasi nthemi ddleIdid
whatIwast old,whichistoknock.Thesmoke
i
mmedi atel
ycameoutwhenIknocked.Awoman
bel owhert hirti
esopenedt hedoor ,
shewasl i
ghti n
compl exion.Shehadcur vesinr i
ghtplacesthatIhad
toseet hem insideherredochr e.

Her:
"Gogo,youcame. "Shegr unted,sheshookher
headformet ofoll
owher .Iletgooft hechi
ckens
andsatdown.Shebur nedtheincenseandcal l
ed
downmycl annames" Ngobeni ancestor
s,her
e's
yourchi
ld.Vat
ukuluVaXi hi
ngi,Xihi
ngiXacokocowa
xi
tari
,xi
tari
Xaxongani ,xongani woxongelandlwi
ni.
Vatukul
uVaMat ekani l
owot ekay i
wombi l
e,Vakul
u
VaTi hot
o" Vaduladul
any am'enkomponi badhla
bay'
landulabathiuzofaNinimsunukany oko,hlala
bamz o'
nda,nt
simur amav oko,4poundshamul a,
l
owobansi nyahimav okowuwoma.Val amby ahi
Khanakut echuu!Hi l
oyinwanawangel e'nwanana
Nwat onga.ValambyaKuny elavamaSiyaYi gov i
l
ey i
govelavurhena,lavnyelandlel
eniv
atshembenkanu,
Ngobeni.
Val
amby
a

Ifel
tapresenceovermyshoul
ders,t
hewindstar
ted
toblow.Shegrunt
edandgroanedthennodded

Her:
"You'
ll
hav etostayherefor5mont hsormor ei
f
i
t'
spossibl
e, becauseofyourstubbor
nnessy ouhave
t
ogoandst ayunderthewaterlooki
ngf orabil
eunt
il
youfi
ndit"
Me:
"Ngi
y'
avuma"Icl
appedmyhands
Her
:"
Youdon'
teati
nter
nal
meatorani
mal fr
om
wat
erdur
ingt
histi
me.Nosexual
l
yint
ercour
se
thr
oughoutt hisperi
od.Number3Ikeept radit
ionall
y
badnewsawayf r
om amat hwasai ncludingdeat hetc
i
nt hefamily.Number4Youmustbesubmi ssiveto
measy ourinyangaasasi gnofsubmi ssionst oyour
i
dlozi.Number5I thwasai snotallowedt ost andin
themi ddl
eoft heyard.Ifyouhav et ostoport alkto
someone, youi mmediatelydropy ourkneesorbend.
Number6Youhav etobeupbef oresunr iseev ery
day.
Number7Ont hedayswhenwepr ay,wef astuntil
middaybef orewecoul deataf t
erpr ayi
ng.Number8
yousleepont hef l
oorthroughout.Number9You
washonl ywi t
hwi t
hcoldwat erthroughout .
Icl
appedmyhandswit
hmyheadbendi
ngdown.
Therul
esar
ehardbutbear
abl
e
Her:"
Mostcoupl esst r
uggl etocopewi threstrict
ions
no.2whichIshoul di nallfair
nesshav eput sasno. 1.
Thisiswhyeitherr el
ationshipsbr eakdownorpeopl e
giveuptheprocessofi nit
iati
on.Idloziisver y
parti
cul
araboutt het ypethet ypesofenv i
ronment
thati
tthri
vesinandi sclearaboutanenv i
ronment
whichisbearable.Ifyouhav eumsi ndo( noise
i
nternal&external)iny ourrelati
onship,theni twon't
survi
veukut hwasaandy oubei ngasangoma.You
alsoneedt obei nrelat
ionshipwhi chi ssupporti
ve
andunder standsthatther ewillbet i
meswheny ou
workawayf rom homewi thstrangersoft he
oppositesex; t
herewi l
lbet i
meswheny oucan't
havesexbecauseofcer emoni esthatr equi
resyouto
beultracleansed,thatyouwi llgoont ri
psoutof
towntoper form ceremoni esorheal ing.Nowi fyou
arewithsomeonewhoi snott olerantand
understandingalloftheset hi
ngs, theni twi
ll
defi
natelybet heendofy ourrelat
ionshi p.
Me:"Iam noti
nrel
ati
onshi
pGogo,Ihav
en'
tbeen
sexualacti
vesi
nceIgavebir
th"
Her
:"
Good"
Me:
"Doesukut
hwasar
uni
nthef
ami
l
ies?
"
Her:
"Yesitdoesbutthisdoesnotmeant hatalli
f
youwill
becomei zangomai ft
her eisoneinthe
fami
ly.I
talsodoesnotmeant hatitwill
manifestin
youinonlyonefamilymember ,itcouldbenone,one
orevenallofyou.
Me:
"DoIal
way
shav
etol
eav
ewi
thy
ou?
"
Her :
"NoGogo, Ithinkit'
sbenef i
cialt
ospendas
mucht i
mewi thyourt eacherasi spossibl
e.For
variousreasonst hismaynotbepr acti
clebutit
's
onlywi t
hconsentofi dlozilakhiandunder t
aki
ngto
respectthisini
ti
at i
onper i
odt hatonecanl i
veaway
i
ny anga.Youmi ssedal otofthoughint er
msof
practiceti
mewheny oudon' tl
ivewiththem "
Me:
"Okay
"
Her:"Sof orthis5mont hsI'
llbet eachingy outhe
mot hodofukuhl okabei tamat hambo( bones),
amakhosi ,i
sit
uny wa, amadhengeorwhat everyour
i
dlozi presentswi th.You'r
eal sogoi ngtoengagei n
exerciseswhi chessent ial
lystrengt henyousixth
sense.Oneoft hegamespl ayedwi thI
thwasai s
call
ed" ukuf i
hlelwa"wher evariousobj ectsare
hiddenf rom Ithwasaandhe/ shehast of i
ndthem or
tell
whatt heyar eandwher et hey '
rehidden"
Me:
"OkayGogo"
Her:
"WozaGogoxikumbu.Let'sgotowhereyou'l
l
sl
eepwithot
herthwasa's.Shesai
dstandiup.Thi
s
pl
acewasnotthatcreepyitwasnormalsangoma
pl
ace.Shegav
emef
ewcl
othst
oweardur
ingt
his
ti
me..
.

#Amanda

Iwast i
redofKhensani'
sdisappear i
ngtri
cks.Her
babywascr y
ingsobad.Khumbul aniwasn'tin.Ihad
towakeupt omakehim stopcr yi
ng.Shenoti nthe
bedroom.Iwal kedtot
heot herroomst ofi
ndherbut
Ididn'
t.Ikeptonrocki
ngthebabyt ot r
yandmake
him st
opcr yi
ng..Iwal
kedout ,
itwasmor ning
alr
eady .
..

Igott
heshockofmyl
i
fe.
HerPJSandshoeswer
elay
ingcar
elessl
ybyt
he
cor
ri
dor.
Iscr
eamed,
thatmadet
hebabycr
y.
Iknowsomeonet
ookher
..
Ir
ushedbacki
nthehouseandcal
l
edKhumbul
ani
Him:"
AmandaI'
m aboutt
ogeti
nmyi
nter
viewr
oom,
Icantt
alkni
w"
Me:
"Wher
eisKhesani
?"
Hi
m:"
Idon'
tknow"
Me:
"Icantf
indher
.."Ipani
cked
Me:"
Hercl
othesar
e..
.They.
..Areout
side.It
hink
someonet
ookherandforceful
l
ymadeherundr ess"
Hi
m:"
What
?Ar
eyousur
e?"
Me:
"Khumbul
ani
I'
m ser
ious!
!"
Him:"
I'
ll
cal
lthepol
i
ce,
I'
m onmyway
.Wher
eismy
chi
ld?"
Me:
"Ihav
ehi
m wi
thme.Hehasst
oppedcr
y..
"
Ihungup.DearGod,
Khensani
hasbeent
hrought
he
most.Youcantl
ethergobacktoi
tnow.
.

Pl
easel
i
keshar
eandcomment

Tobecont
inued
HERSTRUGGLE

CHAPTER45

AMANDA.

TodayIwasgoi ngt okhensani homet own.Iwantt o

askheraunt ythatwher ei sshe.Shecan' tjust
disappearandnotcont actus, wetriedtoopent he
casebutt hepolicedidn'tfiberanything.I
t'sbeena
mont hwi thouther.IknowIshoul dhav etoldher
fami l
ythemi nutet hishappenedbutIdi dn'twantto
stressherf amilyandl ayerseehercomesback.
Khumbul animanagedt of i
ndwor kasar eceptioni
st
atMakhubal ogisti
cs.Am gl adthathe'smaki nga
l
ivingifhimself.Aphi wehasgr ownf orsomeone
who' sjusttwomont hsol d.He'ssobi g,hel ooksli
ke
hisdadsomuch.

Me:
"Hey
,am t
aki
ngt
hebabywi
thme"Iwasgoi
ngt
o
Tembisa.I
twasSundaywedi
dn'
tgot
owor
k.Iam
aneventpl
anner
Lani
:"I
sn'
thetoosmal
lAmanda?"Heaskedworr
ied.
Igett
helovet
hathehasf
orhisson.I
t'
stoomuch
Me:"I
t'
snotl
i
keam goi
ngtot
hemal
lKhumbu.I
'
llbe
backi
nlesst
han3hours"
Lani:
"Okay,thenbecaref ul
.Dr
ivesafeyou'recari
ng
adiamondt here"hej
oked.He'snott hesame
khumbulaniam usedto, heusedtobear rogant.
Somet i
meshe' dwakeupandnotgr eetyouasi fyou
sl
epttogether.Hewasr udebutnowhechanged
Me: "
Iknow"Igiggledandt ookmycarkey s,he'
s
suchal ov
elyboy.Heonl ycrieswhenhe' sdi aperi
s
ful
lormay bewhenhe' shungr yorwantt ocr y.He'
s
soquietandcalmt hat'
swhywegetal ongsogood.
Ibuckledhim upinhiscarseat ,Iboughtitforhim
j
ustforat i
mel i
kethis.There'snoonet ohol dhim
whil
eIdr i
ve.Sowhoev ercamewi thanideaof
makingcarseatshelpedus, trul
y .

Nt
okozo
Beeni nICUf orawhol et womont hsissomet hi
ng
thatIwasnotexpect ing.Am gladt hatam now
fi
nallyout.ButI'm notgoingtol etkhensani gothat
easil
y ,t
hatgirlbrokeme.Idon'thav eal i
febecause
ofher .Iknowshe' stheonewhot ri
edtoki l
lme.This
ti
meam goi ngt ogetherwher ei thurtt
hemost , I
don'thav eaplanatt hemomentbutI '
llsurel
ygether.

Mom:"I
'
m surey
ou'regoi
ngtoletyourgay
ishdr
ama
si
nceGodgaveyousecondchance"Idon'
tknow
whocal
ledandt
ellhert
hatam out
.
Me:"Mom, am notgoingtoleav
ewhoIam because
ofyou.ThankGodf orgi
v i
ngmeanot herchancebut
har
dluckbroam notgoi ngtochange"
Mom: "
Isthi
showyout al
ktoyourmotherntokozo?
JustbecauseMthandazoisdeadyoudon'thaveany
respectforme?Am yourmothernt
okozoIcar r
ied
youforawhol e9months"
Me:"Mamaplease"Iwal
kedt
omybedroom.I
t'
s
beenawhi
le.Imissedmybed.Imi
ssedmywhol
e
l
i
fe

Khensani

Drumswer ebeingpl ayed,Iwasl edtoadam t hatI

wasgoi ngt olookf orabi le.Iam notsupposedt ogo
outunt i
lIfindit.Iwasnakedbutt hewasacl oththat
washi dingmypr ivatepar t
s.Ihadt ocutmyhai rto
startafr
esh.Whi chwast hehar destdecisionofmy
l
ifebutIdi ditany way .Ngobeni clansnameswer e
beingcal l
edt oleadmeasIst artmyj our
ney.Two
goatswer ebei ngsl aughter ed, whenIgetoutofher e
I'
l
l begraduat i
ngandIcan' twai tt oseemyson.I
don'tthi
nkAmandawi llall
owmet oworkinher
housewhi chmeansI '
l
lhav et hehutbui ldathome.
Hopef ul
ly,auntyVel bawi llallowt hat
.

Amanda

Me:
"Heyhowar
eyoudoi
ng?
"Igr
eet
edGuguasshe
gi
vesmethebar
stool
tosi
ton.Theonethati
smade
bywoodst
ooccupymaybethr
eepeopl
e
Gugu:
"Am good,
wher
e'skhensani
?"
Me:"
Ohh,
khensani
wil
lcomet
ovi
sity
oudon'
t
wor
ry"
Gugu:"
ButIsawheri
nmydr
eamsy
est
erday
.She
l
ookedhappy"
Me:"I
t'
sokayt
odr
eam babygi
rl
.Itmeansy
oumi
ss
her
"
Gugu:"
Toomuch,butI
'
m gl
ady
oubr
oughtt
hebaby
al
ong.CanIhol
dhim?"
Me:
"Yes,butwai
t.Her
emycarkeys.Youpr
essher
e
t
ounlockgoandtakehi
sjer
seyi
t'
sbutchi
ll
yher
e"
Gugu:"
Thankyou"sher
ant
owar
dst
hecar
.She'
s
happy
.AuntyVel
bacameout

Her
:"Sor
ryf
ormaki
ngy
ouwai
t"
Me:
"Noi
t'
sfi
neMa"
Her
:"Okay
,sodoy
ouwantsomet
hingt
odr
ink
may
be?
"
Me:
"Noam fine.I
'
llj
ustgettot
hebot
tom oft
he
mat
ter
s.Khensanii
smi ssi
ng"
Her
:"Ohh,
whatdoy
oumean?
"
Me:"Imeant hatIdi
dn'
tfi
ndherwhenIwakeupi
n
themorning.Ionlyf
oundhercl
othesont
he
door
steps"
Her:"
It
'sokay,Iunderstandwhyy ou'
reworri
ed.Iwas
notsupposedtot el
lyout hi
sbutIdon'thav
ea
choi
ce.You'r
et heonel ooki
ngaft
erherchildyou
needtoknowt het r
uth.Khensanihadacalli
ng."
Me: "
Acalli
ng?Asisbei
ngapr ophet
?"Iwas
surpr
ised.Wasn'
tshesupposedtoshowsignsI
didn'
tnoti
ceit
Her:"
No,agif
tofbei
ngasangoma.Shecanseea
l
otofthi
ngsbefor
eithappens.She'
sspi
ri
tual
l
y
connect
edtoherl
it
tl
esisterGugu.
"
Me:
"DoesGugual
sohav
eacal
l
ing?
"
Her:
"Noonlykhensani
.Gugucanonl
ydream when
somethi
ngbadisabouttohappent
okhensani"
Me:
"Thi
sisconf
usi
ng"
Her:
"Iknow,she'
sstubborn.Shedidn'
tbel
iev
eme
whenItoldher
.Iguesstheancestorstoherwhil
e
shewasasleep.Don'
tworrysmessengerwi l
lcome
andletusknowwhat'sneededtobedone"
Me:
"OhhIgeti
t"
Her:"
I'
ll
hav
etogotopri
sonandlethermot
herknow.
Let
'ssaywehel
pherandaskedt
opaybackour
moneyoncesheget
sit"
Me: "
Canyoupleaseest
imat
ethemoneyt
hat
's
neededtohel
pher "
Her
:"Let
'ssay50t
housand.Fort
wogoatst
o
wel
comeher ,
andacow.Andalsotobui
l
dthehut
t
hat'
sneeded"
Me:
"Okay
,I'
l
lmakeapl
an.She'
sdoesn'
thav
etopay
me.
"
Her
:"That
'sgr
eatt
hen"
Me:
"Letmego.Idon'
twantt
obel
ate"
Her
:"Ar
eyougoi
ngbackt
oMi
drand?
"
Me:
"No,
am goi
ngt
omyboy
fri
end'
spl
ace"
Her
:"Okayi
t'
sfi
ne.Youcanl
i
vet
hebaby
"
Me:
"Ar
eyousur
e?"
Her
:"Yes,
plusGugumi
ssedhi
m,she'
l
lbesohappy
t
oplaywit
hhim"
Me:
"OkayMa,
letmegoandgethi
sdi
aperbag"
Her
:"He'
ssobi
g"
Me:
"Iknow.Pl
usheonl
ydr
inksf
ormul
ami
l
k"
Her
:"Whatar
eyouf
eedi
ngherAmanda?
"Sheasked
l
aughi
ng
Me:"Not
hing,
justabot
tl
eofnaanmi
l
kandnest
am
por
ri
dge"
Her
:"he'
ssobi
gyho"
Me:"Letmehur
ry"Iwalkedtomycar.Guguwasst
il
l
st
ruggli
ngt
oopent heboot.I
t'
sokayNanagoand
pl
aywi t
hhi
m.I'
l
lbringthestuf
f"
Gugu:
"Ohh,
arey
ougoi
ngbackwi
thhi
m?"
Me:
"No.Goandbondwi
thhi
m.I
'
llt
akehi
mlat
eron"
Gugu:
"Thanky
oudi
d"
Me:"I
t'
smypleasure"Iopenedt
hebootandt
ookhi
s
bag.Al
ongwit
hpur i
tysqueezyj
usti
ncasehewant
s
somethi
ngt
oeat .

.
..

WhenIarri
vedatmyboy f
ri
end'sapart
mentitwas
chi
ll
ed.Theweatherwaswindy,I
'
mj ustgl
adthat
Aphi
wewaswear i
nghi
stracksui
ts.

Me:"
Heybabe"Igr
eet
edhi
m.Hewasbusywashi
ng
hi
spolo
Hi
m:"
Hey
,youcame?
"Heki
ssedmycheeks
Me:
"Yes.Iwantust
otal
k.Comel
et'
sgoi
nsi
de"
Hi
m: "
Okay,
cool"hecl
osedt
hecardoor
s.Andl
edus
i
nsi
detheapar
tment
Me:
"Am i
nneedofR50.000"
Hi
m: "
Whatdoy
ouwantt
odowi
tht
hatki
ndof
money"
Me: "
Umm, Iwantt
obuyal
and"t
hatwast
hebestl
i
e
Icouldcomeupwith
Hi
m:'
I
not
herwor
dsy
ouwanty
ourcar
d?"
Me:"Ineedmywholecar
ds.Pl
ease"Jabuisnot
worki
ng.I'
mtheonewho'spay
inghidapar
tment,hi
s
cari
nstal
lment
Hi
m: "
Andwhat
'sgoi
ngt
ohappent
ome?Ihav
e
pl
ansAmanda"
Me:"That
'st
heprobl
em Jabu.Youhadplanswi
th
who'smoney?Ihat
ethatIhavetoasky
ouwhenI
needtousemyownmoney "
Hi
m:"
Ithoughtweagr
eedont
his"
Me:"
No,
youchockedme.Youusedf
orceonmet
o
t
akemymoney"
Hi
m:"
ButIapol
ogi
zed"
Me:
"Doy
out
hinkIf
orgotabouti
t?"
Hi
m:"
Ithoughtwhat
'
smi
nei
syour
s.What
'sy
our
sis
mi
ne"
Me:"
Notwheni
t'
scomet
omoney
.Pl
easegi
veme
mycards"
Hi
m:"
No"
Me:"Whatdoyoumeanno.I
'
llgi
vey
oubackwhen
am doneusi
ngthem"
Hi
m:"
Whatdoy
ouwantt
odowi
th50t
housand?
"
Me:
"ButIt
oldy
ou"
Hi
m: "You'
rel
ying"hest
oodupandwentt
othe
ki
tchen.If
oll
owedhim
Me:
"Justgi
vememyt
hings.Iwon'
tst
oppay
ingf
or
t
heapart
ment"
Hi
m:"
Isai
dno"
Me:"
FuckyouJabu.Gi
vememyt
hings"Hi
shands
cameincont
actwit
hmychi
ck
Him:"
Whatdidyouj
ustsay?"Hepushedmet othe
f
loor
.Igr
oanedasIfeel
kicksinmystomach.This
t
imehedidn'
thi
tmewi t
habel t
.Buthemakessure
t
hathedoesn'
thi
tmyf
ace.
Me:"Am sor
ry.Pl
easeawww!
!"Iscr
eamedasIf
elt
anot
herkick
Him:"Youdon'
trespectme,Amanda.Justbecause
youhavemoneyy outhinky
oucanwearpant sinthi
s
r
elat
ionshi
p?Fuckoffman"hecli
ckedandwentout .

Icri
edasIfeltpai
ns.St
andingupit'
sgoi
ngtobea
verybi
gjob.Thist
imehedidn'tcl
eanmeup,he's
real
lyangr
y.Imadehim angry.I
t'
smyfaul
tI'
l
lforgi
ve
him.

Tobecont
inued

Li
ke,
shar
eandcomment
HERSTRUGGLE

CHAPTER46

AMANDA

Istoodupandwentt othebat hroom tocleanmy self

,
Idecidedt otakeawhol eful
l bathsinceIwasdi rty
andsoakedwi t
hblood.Idi
dn'twantKhumbul anito
asktoomanyquest i
ons.Ididn'thaveachoi cebutt o
beghi m sot hathecangivemet hemoneyt ohel p
Khensani .Idraggedmy sel
ftoourbedr oom, hewas
busysmoki ngweed.Ilimpedt owearmycl ot hes,he
wassoqui etthatIhadtoaskhi m what'swrong.He
promisedt onotbeatmeev eragai n

Me:"Babe,di
dIdosomethi
ngwrong?
"Iaskedwit
ha
pani
cki nmyv oi
ce,
Ihav
etothr
eadcaref
ull
yandnot
angerhim
Hi
m:"
Whydoy
ouhav
etoactl
i
keamani
nthi
s
rel
ati
onshi
p?"Heexhal
edt
hesmoke.Am al
ready
comfort
abl
ewi t
hthesmel
lofi
t
Me:"
Am sor
ryaboutthat
,am t
ryi
ngher
eJabu.
Pl
easemeetmehal f
way"
Hi
m:"
Isi
tbecauseIam notwor
king?
"
Me:"No.Jabuyou'
vebeenkeepingmycar
dsforl
i
ke
5mont hs.WhywouldIdi
srespecty
ounow?Just
al
l
owmet odowhatIwantwithmymoney,I
'
ve
workedhardfori
t"
Him:"AndI'm sayi
ngitagai
nyou'r
enotgett
ingacent
.
Iknowt hatit
'syourmoney,butcomewitha
reasonableamount "
Me:
"Okay,
canIpl
easehav
emyAbsacar
d.Youhav
e
t
herest
"
Hi
m:"
Amandawhatdoy
ouwantf
rom me?Huh"
Me:"Iwantmycar ds.JabuIwassowr ongt ogive
youthem inthefi
rstplace.Iwastr
yingt omakey ou
aper son,
Iwast r
yingtomakey ounotf eelashamed
thatIhavemor emoneyt hanyou.Butyout ookthe
advantageofthat,si
ncey ouhavemygadget syou
thi
nkthatyouownme.NoJabuImaybeav i
cti
m of
abusebutI'l
lnotallowyout ointer
rogat
emewi thmy
money .Youcanhi tmef orallIcar
ebutIwantmy
thi
ngs.Iwon'tstoppayingf ortheapart
mentandthe
car.That'
stheleastIcando"
Hi
m:"
Arey
oudone?
"
Me:"
No"Iwentt
ot otakemycarkey
s.Am t
iredof
whatJabui
sdoing.Hefol
lowedmetothecar

Hi
m:"
Wher
ear
eyougoi
ng?
"
Me:
"Toblockall
ofmycards.Andt
hisbr
uisesget
r
eadyforthepol
icev
isi
t"
Hi
m: "
Okay,okay.Comegeti
nsi
desothatwecan
t
alk"youcouldspotagl
i
ntofpani
cinhi
sv oi
ce
Me:
"Jabupl
ease"
Him:
"I
t'
sokaybaby .Am sor
ryIwasj
ustangr
y.Come
andgetyourt
hings"
Me:"
Sur
e, Icl
osedt
hecardoorandfoll
owedhim.
"
Youbettergiv
ememyt hi
ngs..
."Bef
oreIcoul
d
f
ini
shIheardsomethi
nghitmyhead
Him: "
Whoar ey outot hreat enme?Il ovedyouwhen
everyonet urnedt heirbacksony ou.Andt odayy ou'
re
doingmet his?BecauseIl ostmyj ob?Youmustbe
highonsomet hing"Icoul dn'tseewhathewas
hitt
ingmewi th.Buti twassopai nful
, t
hemor eit
camei ncont actwi thmyf lasht hemor eIcr i
edin
pain.Themor eIf li
nchedandt ri
edt orunbuthewas
sost r
ong.It ookal lmypowerandpushedhi m, Iran
totheki t
chenandf oundaf ork,myhandswer e
tr
embl ing.I'
m notaki l
lerbutt odayhe' sdy i
ng.
BoforeIcoul dr eturntot hel oungehemetme
halfwaywi thokapi

Me:"Pl
easee.
..Pl
easeJabudon't"Icr
ied.Ithr
ewthe
for
kawayandgotonmyknees" Youcanhi tmebut
don'
ttakemyl i
feawayfrom me.Mydadst ill
needs
me,Ihaveanephewt otakecareofplease"
Hel
aughed,
hisl
aughwasf
ull
ofhat
redandev
il
ness
Me:"
Don'
tJabu.Doy ouwantt
ogotojai
l
?Tr ustme
I
'v
ebeenthere.Iknowthepai
nofbei
ngrapedby
countl
esswoman.Theni nser
ti
ngper
fumesi
nmy
ass"Iwasly
ing.Justwantedhimtol
etmego
Hi
m:"
You'
rel
yi
ng"
Me:
"Noam not
.Am notl
yi
ng"
Hi
m:"
Shutup!
"Her
oar
ed
Me:
"Youwanty
ourmom t
odi
ebecauseofst
ress?
"
Him:"
Isaidshutup!
"Thelastthi
ngIsawwashim
comingmyway .WhatIf
eltwastwopainsonmy
stomachandmychest .Mysoulwasseparat
edwit
h
myf l
esh.Idr
if
tedtotheworldofdar
kness

#Vel
ba

Itwasgetti
nglatewi t
houtAmandacomi ngtoget
thebaby.Therewasnochoi cebuttogot oMi drand,
Iwouldn'
tretur
nhim buttherewerenonappiesl eft
forhim.Sheoutpackedapai rofajeanthatI
changedhim.Hewasbusypl ayi
ngwi t
hGugut hathe
endedupwi thdir
tinhisclot
hes.Ican'
twaitforhim
tositonhisownwi thoutapil
lowtosupporthisback.
Me:
"Gugu,
am goi
ng"
Gugu:
"Okay
.Yougoi
ngwi
tht
hebaby
?"
Me:"
Yesam ret
urni
nghim.Iwon'
tbeabl
etotake
car
eofhim.Ihavetogotoworktomor
row"I
'
ma
cl
eaneratpi
ckandpay
Gugu:
"I
t'
sokayaunt
y.Iunder
stand"
Me:
"Al
ri
ght,i
fIdon'
tcomebackar
ound18:
30l
ock
t
hedoor.It
ookthespar
ekey"
Gugu:
"No,
it'
sdanger
ousaunt
y.I
'
lli
mmedi
atel
ylock
t
hedoorwheny ougetout
"
Me:
"What
'swr
ong?I
sitt
hedr
eams?
"
Gugu:"
No.They'
vest
opped.Gobef
orei
tgetl
ate"she
cont
inuedwri
ti
ngonherdrawi
ngbook
Me:"
OkayNana.I
fyouwantsomet
hingt
oeaty
ou
cansnackwi
thaDanone"
Gugu:
"Thanky
ou"
Ismiled,Gugui sawellmanner edchil
d.Shedoesn' t
eatwithouty ougivi
ngittoher.Shemakessur et hat
sheshar eswi t
hyouwhat evershe'
seat i
ng.She'
sso
adorable.Ihatetaki
ngtaxiswithachild.He'sto
youngt obei nthi
skindofpublici
ty.Iwalkedtothe
Midrandsur babsarea.Itwassoqui et

Me:"Goodeveni
ng"Igr
eet
edkhumbul
ani
who
openedthedoorforme
Him:
"ev
eni
ng.Whyareyoutheonet
obr
ingt
he
baby
?"Heaskedconcer
ned.
Me:"
Ohh,Amandalef
tthebabysay
ingt
hatshe'
s
goi
ngtoseeherboyf
ri
end"
Him:"
ohh,comei nMa"Heopenedthespace
betweenhim andthedoor
.Thebabywasalready
asl
eeponmyback.Hemustbet i
redit
'sbeenalong
dayforhi
m.
Me:"Thankyou"Itookasi
tonthecouch.Seemsli
ke
Icaughthim busy
.Thecouchwasfullofpaper
sand
alaptopontop
Hi
m:"
Excusemef
ort
hemess"
Me:"
it
'sOkay
.Wi
l
lyoubeabl
etol
ookaf
tert
he
baby
?"
Hi
m:"Yes,sincehe'
sasl
eepI
'
llf
ini
shher
ethenboi
l
st
il
lwaterforhim"
Me:
"Whyst
il
lwat
er?
"
Hi
m:"
Hisski
nissensi
ti
vef
orbor
ehol
ewat
er"
Me:
"Okay
,Igety
ou.
"
Hi
m:"
Umm l
etmegoandl
ayhi
m ont
hebed"
Me:"Okay"Ihandedhimthebaby.Ihav
etosaymy
goodbyesbeforeitget
slat
e.I
'velef
tGugual
onei
n
thehouse,hecameback
Me:
"Umm Iwasonl
ybr
ingi
ngt
hebabyI
'
llbei
nmy
way
"
Him:
"Yougoi
ngwi
thouteat
ingsomet
hing?Iwas
goi
ngtomakeasoup"
Me:
"Ohh"
Him:
"yesi
t'
sImani
soup.Am sur
eyouenj
oyi
t,si
t
down"
Me:"Ohht henletmesi
tdown.Whoam It osaynot o
f
reef ood?"Isaidi
nmyheart,Ihaven'
thear
dof
I
mani soupbuttodayI
'
llbet
ryingit
.Inl
essthan5
minuteshecamei nwi
thaplateful
lofwhit
ericeand
asoupont op
Hi
m:"
letmecl
eart
his"hi
pickedupaf
il
eandpl
aced
t
hetr
ay
Me:
"Thanky
ou"

Af
tert
hemeal
Iwentbackhome.

Gugul
ethu

"Pl
easedon'
ttakemyl
i
feaway
,youcanhi
tmebut
don'
tkil
lme"
Thatwasthev
oicethatkeptsi
ngi
ngonmyear
s.She
keptonpl
eadi
ng..
.
Icoul
dn'
tseet
hegir
lsfacebutIcoul
dseet
heman
whowasholdi
ngtheknif
etoher.
Whatifi
t'
sKhensaniandIcan'
tsaveher?Bofor
eI
coul
drunandwenttowher eshewas..somethi
ng
tr
appedmylegs.Theycouldn'
tmovecloser
.The
manstabbedherinf
rontofmyeyes,herscr
eam
echoedt
hroughmyhear t
.
Itwaspai
nful
,shecr
iedandsoonwast
otal
l
ysi
l
ent
.I
knewshewouldn'
tsurvi
vet
his.
.
Thi
sscar
edme.
.

Tobecont
inued

Pl
easel
i
keshar
eandcomment
HERSTRUGGLE

CHAPTER47

JABULANI
.

Seei ngAmandaont hefl

oorbleedingt odeathmade
mepani c.Ihadnochoi cebuttocal l myfri
endto
helpmebur yher,
Ican'tgotojail.Ijustki
ll
eda
per son."NoJabuy ou'renotamur deritwasa
mi stake"thatwasmymi ndt r
yingt oassuremet hatI
didn'tkil
lheronpur pose.Itwasami st
ake.Iqui
ckly
kneel inf
rontofherandf eelherpul se.Itwassofaint
thatIcoul dn'tf
eelit
.Butitwast here.

Me:"
Thabo.
.Thabohell
o?"Immedi
atel
ywhenhe
answert
hephone,Ispoke
Thabo:
"Mymanwhat
'swr
ong?Whyar
eyout
alki
ng
fast
?"
Me:
"Idi
dsomethi
nghor
ri
ble.Thabopl
easecomet
o
myapart
ment
"
Thabo:
"Di
dyouhi
theragai
n?Jabuy
ouneedt
oget
hel
pbefor
eyouki
llher
"
Me:
"i
t'
swor
set
hatt
hat
"
Thabo:
"Cool
,don'
tpani
cam onmyway
"hedr
opper
thecal
l
.

Ipacedaroundt hekitchen,maybei fIcoverherbody

nobodywillnoticewhatI '
vej
ustdone.Iwentt otake
awhitesheett hatwascov eri
ngthebedandcov er
ed
herwholebody .I'
ll
justburyherwher enoonewon' t
fi
ndher.Hercar ?I'
llmakeapl an,may beI'
llgotothe
hil
landpushi tdownt herocks.I'
l
lbur nit
.Inless
thanfewmi nutesThabobar gedin.Hest oppedon
histr
ackswhenhesawadeadper sonont hefloor

Thabo:
"yer
r.What
'swr
ongJabu?
"
Me:
"Iki
l
ledher
.ThaboImur
der
edmygi
rl
fr
iend
becauseofmoney
"
Thabo:
"Whatareyouwai
ti
ngf
or?Ar
eyoucr
azy
?We
havetogethert
ohospi
tal
"
Me: "
No!Nonono! "Ishoutedwhilelaughi
ng.Tears
cameout" Iwon'tgotojail
.I'
l
lnotruinmylif
e.She
hasclosetohalfmill
ioninherbankaccount.I'
l
ljust
disappear
"

Thabo:"
WithR500,000areyoucrazy?Jabust
op
whateveryou'
ret
hinki
ng.Let
'sgetthel
adyto
hospit
al"
Me:"
She'
sdead.What'stheuse?I
fy ouwanttogoto
j
ail
andserveli
fesent
encetakeher.Andtakethef
all
.
Youcantel
lthepol
icethatyoumi
stakenl
ykill
edher
"

Thabo:"Areyoucrazy?Mansnapoutofi
t.Am outof
here.Sortyourshi
t"
Me:"Ohhboy.We'
reint
histoget
her.Youshouldn't
havecamehereinthef
irstpl
ace.Butsi
nceyoul ove
toactli
keyou'
ret
hebestbuddyy ougotyour
selfin
shi
t"
Thabo:
"Orel
sewhat
?"
Me:
"youdon'
twantt
ofi
ghtwi
thme"
Thabo:
"You'
reareful
lJabu.Icaneasi
l
ygety
out
o
pri
sonformurderi
ngawoman. "
Me:
"t
ryme"IItookmyshi r
tandwi
pemyf
inger
pri
nts
ont
hekni
fe.Ipickedherup
Thabo:"
Let
'swai
tfort
hesuntogodown.Am hel
ping
youbecauseIpr
omisedyourmot
hert
hatI'
l
lbethere
foryou"
Me:
"sur
e"Iputherdownandwentt
olockt
hedoor

Whent hesunset .Wequi cklystoodupandwentt o

placeherinsi
dehercar .I
nt heboot, Iwasshaki ngall
thewayt otheoldschool.That 'swhereIwasgoi ng
toburyher.Wedi dn'tdi
gadeephol ejustsomet hi
ng
tolayherin.Wewer ebothtiredfr
om di ggingto
closi
ngthegr ave.Thatwast heendofmygi rlf
ri
end,I
kil
ledher.ButI'
m notgoingj ail
forthat.Iratherkil
l
my sel
fthanbet urnedint
oawi fewhi l
eI'm aman.
Wewentt odri
vehercart
hroughthehi
l
ls.Maybethe
poli
cewi l
ltr
ytoconnectt
hedots.Andthey'
l
lthi
nk
thatshewast ry
ingtohav
eapeaceofmi nd.And
accidenthappened.

#Khumbul
ani
.

Iwasget
ti
ngworri
ed,
twoday
spassedwithout
Amandacomi
ngbackhome.Didkeptonaski
ng
wher
eshewas.Ihadnoi
deareal
l
y.
ButVel
bamentionedsomet
hingaboutherf
lungt
o
herboy
fri
endsplace.
Jabu, Ihatethatguywi
thpassion,
Irememberther
e
wast hisonet i
mewhenhebeatmysi st
ersobad
thatIhadt ogoandmakehi m pay.Amandaalways
protecthim,Ihopedthathedidn'
tdoanythi
ngbadto
mysi ster.Or..
.

Acal
lcamet
hroughj
ustasIwasst
il
lthi
nki
ng.
..
"
Hel
l
o?"
Ianswer
ed.
.
Si
l
ence.
Icoul
dhearsomeonebr
eat
hingt
hough
Me:
"Hel
l
o?"
Thent
heyhungup.
.
Therewasaknock.Mysonwassleepi
ng.I
tmade
thi
ngseasi
erf
orme.Ihonest
lyhadtogetastayi
n
nannytol
ookaft
erhim,
Ihavetogotoworkintwo
daysti
me..
Me:
"Hi
..
."
Iwasshockedseei
ngt
hepol
i
ceatmydoor
step.
.
HasAmandadoneanythi
ng?That'
sthefi
rst
quest
iont
hatr
anthoughmymi ndasIsawthem.
Off
icer:
"Goodmorningsi
r,I
'
m Of
fi
cerZul
uandt
his
her
ei sDetect
iveMotswedi
."
Me:
"Yes.
."
Him:"
Wear
ehereRegar
dingMi
ssAmandaand
ThaboMol
oi.
"
Me:
"Comei
n"
Theywal
kedi
nsi
det
hehouse
Off
icer
:"
Sir,
wehav ebeengi
vent
hisadr
essbecause
i
tisbel
ievedthati
ts-
"
Me:
"Amanda'
shome.I
'
m hery
oungerbr
other
.
What'
sup?
"
Hi
m:"
Sir
..
."
Me:
"What
'sgoi
ngon?
"

#Vel
ba

Iwasexci t
ed,todaywaspr i
cegivingdayatGugu' s
school.Iknewshewoul dtakethecompl i
mentary
cert
if
icates.She'sbr ight
.ThisisthedayI '
vebeen
wait
ingf or.I'
m apr oudmot her,al
l t
hankstoher.
Thami wasbusydoi ngherhairoutsidethehouse.I
deci
dedt hatshemustcutherhai randcur li
t.
Somet hingnewf orachange.Ihadal r
eadyir
oned
heruniformi twasbi tcreasedfrom wher eIf
oundi t
.
Ipoli
shedherschool shoesandboi ledwaterforher.
It
sapi t
ythatKhensanii
snotheretowi
tnessher
l
itt
lessi
sterhappi
ness.ButI
'
llshootav
ideoforher
.I
evenboughtSamsungA2.
ThecaseofAmandabei ngki lledwasst i
llon.Ihear d
thatAmanda' sboy friend'sfriendwentt oconf esst o
thepolice.Iam happyt hathewasdeni edbail,
Amanda' sdadi smaki ngsur et hathesuf f
ersi njai
l.
Thef uneralwasgoi ngt obet hi sSunday .I
twas
goingtoappearonTV, Amanda' sdeathwast rending
onsoci almedi a.Thewasal soast ri
ke.Thatt hey
burnttheJabu' shome.He' sfrom Sowet o.Hisf ami l
y
wasl eftwithoutahouset olayt hei
rheadsi n,this
weekwnewswasal l aboutAmanda.
#justi
ceforamandawast rending, evencelebrities
postedher .Am sur ei twasgoi ngt obepackedather
funeral
.Am al sogoi ngt here, whoam It oletaf ree
platepassby .

Me:"Ar
eyoudone?
"Iwasr
eadyt
otot
akepi
ctur
esof
herhai
rst
yle
Gugu:"
Am sohappyaunt
y.Ican'
twai
ttoseemy
sel
f
i
nsidethet
entwit
hotherl
earner
s
Me:"
Am surewe'
recomi
ngbackhomewi
tht
rophi
es
andmedals
Gugu:"Idon'
tknowaunty.Thisyearhashecticfor
me.From mom bei ngar
rested,
dadbei ngkil
led,al
l
thedramahappeninginKhensani'sl
ifeandlastl
y
dreams.Idon'tev
enknowwhet herI'vepassed"

Me:"
butyouwer
estudyi
ngGugu.Youwoul
dn'
tev
en
sl
eepthewhol
enight
"

Gugu:
"Yes,
andI'
dfi
ndmy
sel
fdozi
ngof
fint
he
middl
eoftheExam.
"
Me:"
Butl
etsbeposi
ti
vemychi
ld.Am sur
eyou'
l
l
comebackwit
hamedalatl
east"

Gugu:
"Lesthopeso"
Me:
"Goandbat
hsi
ncey
ou'
redone.I
'
llt
akepi
ctur
es
ofy
ouwheny
ou'
ref
ull
ydr
essed"

Gugu:"
Okay"shewassohappy .Shewentinsi
dethe
housejumpingupanddown.Am f asci
nat
edbyher
happi
ness.I
t'sapit
ythathermom isnotheret
o
wit
nessthehappinessofherchi
ld.

Me:
"howmuchwi
l
litbe?
"
Her
:"
It
'sR150Ma"
Me:"
R150?Justf
orthose10cur
lsi
nherhead?
You'
vegott
obekiddingme"
Her:
"Ma,Ihadtoblowherhai rwit
hstep1t omake
curl
swhichalsofallunderthewholet
hingsIdi
don
herhead.Don'
tforgetI'
mt heonewhocutherhair
"

Me:"
Butsti
l
l.Iwoul
dhav
edonebet
tert
hany
ou.But
i
t'
sfi
ne"Ipayedhim

Me:
"Whyar
eyoual
way
sposi
ngt
hesamest
yleGugu?
Atl
eastchange"Il
aughedwhi
l
etaki
ngf
ewpi
ctur
es
i
nfrontofayell
owflower
"
Gugu:
"Idon'
tknowhowt
opose.Showme?
"
Me:
"Guguam sool
d,Idon'
tknowanyt
hingabout
t
hat
.Butyoucantr
ytoholdyourwai
standpout"
Gugu:
"Li
ket
his?
"Shehadaf
ingerpl
acedl
owerher
chi
n
Me:
"yes,
bri
l
li
ant
"
Gugu:
"Shoul
dIchange?
"
Me:"
Yes.Trytokneel
andcrossy
ourhandsl
i
ke
you'
rer
epresent
ingpi
rat
es"
Gugu:"
Ohh"shewasweari
ngwhiteshi
rtandbl
ack
schoolt
rouser
.Al
ongwit
hblackpul
lov
er
Me: "
It
'smyturn"Iwaswear i
ngtsongat radit
ional
dress.Iwasgoingt orepr
esentat songachi ld.Whi
ch
meansI '
ll
hav etowearhert radi
ti
onj usttomakeher
happyandnotbeashamedofhercul ture.We
exchangepictures.Andwal kedtoschool .She
quickl
yrantomeetherf r
iendsandl etmebusyon
myphone.Ij ustdownloadedFacebookand
upl
oadedmyf ir
stprofil
epict
ure.Iam alsostar
ting
tosoci
ali
sewithothers.I'
mleftbehind.Hopetoat
l
eastfoundamant hroughFacebookbecauset he
sal
tthatIhav
e.Cancookaf ul
l cow

Pl
easel
i
ke,
shar
eandcomment

Tobecont
inued
HERSTRUGGLE

CHAPTER48

VELBA

(
® Someoft
het
hingswer
efoundI
nint
ernet
)

TodaywasAmanda' sfuneral
,wewer ebusypeeling
Vegetablesandcooki
ngpap.Thet i
mewasar ound
5:10AM, thecoff
inwastoarri
vemay bearoundhalf
past.Wewer ealmostdonewithpap.Itwasbeing
saidthatherbodycoul
dn'tbebroughthomef orthe
ni
ghtsinceitwasanaccident.

Me:"
Letmegoandbat htheki
d.Am sur
ethehear
se
i
t'
sonitsway"Isai
dtothewomanwhowashel pi
ng
mewi t
hcut
ti
ngcabbage
Her
:"
It
'sokay
,I'
l
lmanage"
Me:"Thankyou"Istoodupandwenti nsi
dethehouse.
IsearchedforGuguuntil
IfoundherinAphi
we' s
nurseryroom.Shewasbusyaski ngkhumbulani
endlessquesti
onswhowasbusymaki ngsurethat
Aphiwe'snappyischanged.Looksli
kehemessedi t
up

Me:
"Gugu,
Sawubonakhumbul
ani
"
Hi
m:"
HeyMa,howar eyoudoi
ng?"Hewashappy
t
oday
.ForwhatIdon'
tknowbuthismoodwasli
ght
Me:
"Am goodt
hanky
ou.Whatar
eyoubusywi
th?
"
Hi
m:"
Am t
ryi
ngt
obat
hthebaby
."
Me:"Al
ri
ght
,Gugulet
'sgoandbat h.Where'
syour
dress?
"Shewasnotgoingt othegraveyar
dwithus.
She'st
ooyoung,
it'
sagainstthecult
ure
Hi
m:"
Ihear
daboutkhensani
"
Me:"
Ohh,
doy
out
hinki
t'
sther
ightt
imet
otal
kabout
i
t?"
Him:"
Idon'
tknow.Idon'
twantsomet
hingt
ostr
ess
about
,Idon'
twanttoalway
srememberAmanda"
Me:"I
t'
sokay.Iunder
standyourpai
n,shewasyour
l
eftwing.I
t'
sgonnabeal r
ightst
opsulki
ngandbat
h
yourbaby"Isai
dpokinghisshoul
der
Hi
m:"
Aww,
didy
ouhav
etopokemet
hough?
"
Me:
"St
op,beingacrybaby
.Ibeti
tdi
dn'
tev
enhur
t.
ComeGugulethul
et'
sgo"
Him:"Ohh,youcanuset hebathroom downthe
passage.Ihadlockeditsinceit
'skhensani
's
bedroom.Ididn'twantpeopletomessi tandfi
nd
someofhert hingmissing"
Me:"
it
'sokay"It
ookthekey
s."
I'
ll
comeandt
ake
Aphi
wet ofeedhim"
Hi
m:"
Hedoesn'
teatpor
ri
dge.He'
stooy
oung"
Me:
"Nosi
l
ly,
Imeanhi
sinst
ant
"
Hi
m:"Okay
.Letmef
ini
shher
ebef
oret
hecof
fi
n
ar
ri
ve."
Me:
"Ohhwi
l
lyoubeokayt
hough?
"
Hi
m:"
I'
ll
bef
ine"
Inodded,andwentoutwi t
hGuguf ollowingme
around.I'
m gl
adthatIhadironedherdr essand
j
acket.Itwasbitchi
l
lythatIhadalreadypackeda
pairofl
eggingstowearinsi
det hedressandboots.

Gugu:
"Doy
ouhav
etobat
hmet
hough?
"
Me:"
YesGugu, geti
t .
"Isai
dtest
ingthetemperatur
e
oft
hewat er"
youknowy oucan'
tbathyourself
.You
har
dlyapplyl
otionony ourf
ace.Youdon'tglow
whenyoubathy ourself
"
Gugu:"
Butyoucanshowmehowt odoi
t,and10
year
soldauntyam ol
denought
obathmyself
"
Me:
"Iknowbabygi
rl
.ButIcan'
tgetenoughofy
ou"
Gugu:
"i
t'
ssoembar
rassi
ng"
Me:"Justshutup"Ilaughedandwashedherface
thatIfoundont opofthecabi
net.Iassumeit
's
khensani'
s.Idisposedthewaterandappli
edCler
e
l
otiononsof tskin.

Me:
"Youcangoandweary
ourcl
othes,
Ial
sohav
eto
bat
h"
Gugu:
"Thankyou.It
houghty
ouwer
eal
way
sgoi
ngt
o
doity
oursel
f"
Me:"
Iwasgoingto.It
'
sjustt
hattheti
meisnoton
oursi
te.Theser
vicei
sgoingtostar
ton7oclock"
Gugu:
"Okay
,Sosi
sAmandai
sgoi
ngt
obeourAngel
fr
om nowon?"
Me:
"Yesbabygi
rl
"
Gugu:
"Idreamtofherscr
eaming,
shewasaskingof
myhelp.Butmylegswereti
edIcoul
dn'
trun"
Me:"Gugu"Ihuggedher."
NanaGodhasgi vent
his
gif
ttoyou,heisshowingyouthi
ngsthatpeopl
e
cannotsee.Don'tpani
cjustf
il
lmewi t
heveryt
hing
youdream aboutbabygir
l.Wemightsavethem
whil
eitssti
llear
ly"
.
Gugu:"Ipr
omi seIwill
.Don'tf
il
lthetubewithhot
water.Don'tforgety
oualsohav etoaddthecol done.
Myt eachertoldmet hati
t'
sgoodt omountt he
amountofwat erwe'r
eusing.Somepeoplear e
payi
ngmoneyj usttogetwaterdon'twasteit"she
r
ant
owearhercl
othes.

Ichuckl edandsoakedmybodyi nsi det hebat htub.I

havenev eri nmyl i
febat hedi nsidet hebat hroom.I n
thi
sbi gwhi tebat ht ub, i
tsal way sbeent hoseGr eer,
yell
owbasi ns.Iev enpour edsomepowderIf ound
onthesi deoft hebat ht ube.Thewat ersmel l
edso
good, may bei fIoffert ost aywi tht hebabywhen
khumbul ani goest owor k.May beIcangett obat hin
hereev er yday ,am talkingaboutt akingashower .
WhenIf eel l
ikeit.Itjustthatwher eam st ayingy ou
bathbecausey oudon' twantt osmel l
.It'st i
ri
ngf r
om
boil
ingwat er,topour ingiti nthebasi nt henpi ckup
thebasi nt obedr oom andal sodi sposei tout side
wheny ou'redone.That '
sal otofwor kt hat'swhyI
alway sjumpedaday ,Ievenst resswhenIt hinkof
bathing.I t
'saLotofwor k.Si ncet hel ineofpeopl e
want i
ngt obat h,Igotoutandwentt oweart hedr ess
thatIhadpur chasedatEdgar sandKel sopumps.
Toppedmyout fi
twi thahat .Ideci dedt ol ookgr eat.
There'sl otofcar sher eImayf indmy sel fwithoneof
ri
chmen.
#Khi
mbukani

Amandaar ri
ved, Wej oinedAv obobf uner alpolicy,i
t
i
sgood.Iwat chedast hehoar ycl oudsgr ewl arger,
hover i
ngmoi stl
yabov et hemour nf ul populace.Then
Isawi t ,
t hewhol er easont hatIdi dn’ twantt oat t
end
thef uner albutIdi dn' thav eachoi ce, Ihadt oshe
wasmysi sandshe' l
l alway sbe.Thecof fi
n.Its
blackandshi nysophi st i
cat edsur f acewasdabbed
withspot sofr ainf rom t hegr eyabov e,dimmi ngi t
refl
ect i
ons.Thecr osst hatwasnar r owl yimpr essed
ont heapexoft hecof finwasdeepandwel l
smoot hed.Icl osedmyey es, tryi
ngnott oallowt he
tearst of racturefr om myal readywat eryey es.I
knewt hatmysi st erwasi nsidet hebl ackcof fin,and
wasnol ongerani mat e.Ihadal readygi venAphi we
tomygr andmot her ,from mymymot her'
ssi de.She
wasnotgoi ngt ogr avey ard, wecan' thav eher
breakingdown.She' ssof ragile.Wor dswer e
exchanged, somewentt oexpr esshowt heyar e
feeli
ng, howt heyf el twhent hehear dt het r
ategi c
news.Thepassi ngoftheircol
l
eague, fri
end.
Daughterandgr andchi
ld.Herfuneralwasso
emot i
onal,
itwasai r
edonTV.Becauseoft heway
shedied.Inthehandsofaboy f r
iendwhowas
chowinghermoney .Il
ist
enedat t
entiv
elyasthe
pastorsharedthewor dofGod, Ihighl
ight
edthe
chaptersheshar edwit
hus.

Phi
l
ippi
ans3:
20-
21
Butourcommonwealthisi
nheav en,andfrom i
twe
awaitaSavi
or,t
heLordJesusChrist
, whowil
l
changeourlowl
ybodytobelikehisglori
ousbody,
bythepowerwhichenabl
eshim event osubj
ectal
l
thi
ngstohimsel
f.

3.I
sai
ah41:
10
Sodonotf ear
,forIam wi
thy ou;donotbedismayed,
forIam y
ourGod.Iwillst
rengthenyouandhelpyou;
Iwil
lupholdyouwithmyrighteousri
ghthand.
4.Romans8:
38-
39
ForIam convincedthatneitherdeathnorlif
e,neit
her
angelsnordemons, neit
hert hepresentnorthe
fut
ure,noranypower s,nei
therheightnordepth,nor
anythi
ngelseinallcreati
on,wi l
lbeabletoseparate
usfrom thel
ov eofGodt hati si
nChr i
stJesusour
Lord.

5.John14:
1-3
“Donotlety ourheartsbetroubled.Youbeliev
ein
God;beli
ev ealsoinme.MyFat her’shousehasmany
rooms;i
ft hatwerenotso, wouldIhav etoldyouthat
Iam goi
ngt heret
opr epareaplacef oryou?AndifI
goandpr epar eaplaceforyou,Iwi l
lcomebackand
takeyoutobewi t
hmet hatyoual somaybewher eI
am.

Dadwassoemot i
onalthataunt
yVelbahadt
ositby
hi
sside.Shewassosuppor ti
ve,i
twasnowtimeto
gotothegraveyard.Theservi
cewasgoingt
o
cont
inuether
e.Sixofherguardscar
riedt
hecof
fi
nto
pl
aceitontopoftheholethatwasgoingtoswallow
mysister
,I'
m notgoi
ngtoseehereveragain.Ihad
wri
tt
enapoetf orher
.Justtosendheroffonagood
manner.I
nahappyenv i
ronment

TheI
mpor
tanceofaSi
ster
ByShi
vaShar
ma
Asi
steri
ssomeonewhol
ovesy
ouf
rom t
hehear
t,
Nomatt
erhowmuchy
ouar
guey
oucannotbe
dr
awnapar
t.
Shei
saj
oyt
hatcannotbet
akenaway
,
Oncesheent
ersy
ourl
i
fe,
shei
sther
etost
ay.
Af
ri
endwhohel
psy
out
hroughdi
ff
icul
tti
mes,
Hercomf
ort
ingwor
dsar
ewor
thmuchmor
ethan
di
mes.
Apar
tnerwhof
il
lsy
ourl
i
fewi
thl
aughsandsmi
l
e,
Thesememor
iesl
astf
ormi
l
esandmi
l
es.
Whenshei
sbyy
oursi
de,
thewor
ldi
sfi
l
ledwi
thl
i
fe,
Whenshei
snotar
ound,
yourday
sar
eful
lofst
ri
fe.
Asi
steri
sabl
essi
ng,
whof
il
lsy
ourhear
twi
thl
ove,
Shef
li
eswi
thy
oui
nli
fewi
tht
hebeaut
yofadov
e.
Acompaniont
owhom y
oucanexpr
essy
our
f
eel
ings,
Shedoesn’
tlety
ougetbor
edatf
ami
l
ydeal
i
ngs.
Whet
hery
ouar
ehav
ingy
ourupsordowns,
Sheal
way
shel
psy
ouwi
thasmi
l
eandnev
erf
rowns.
Wi
thasi
stery
oucannothav
eagr
udge,
Sheisassweetaschocol
ateandassmoot
has
fudge.
Hav
ingasi
steri
snotj
ustat
rend,
I
tisknowi
ngy
oucanal
way
stur
ntoher
,yourbest
f
ri
end.

Thecof
fi
nwentdownast hesof
tpi
anomusic
pl
ayedonthebackgr
ound,ther
hyt
hm wasgoingwe
wit
hthepoem.Iwasmanenough,Icr
iedi
tenough.I
acceptedthatshe'
snomore.Wewenttopourt
he
soil
,torepr
esentthatwewi
llal
sof
oll
owyou.

Romans6:
4
Wewer eburi
edthereforewit
hhim bybaptism i
nto
death,sothatasChr i
stwasraisedfrom t
hedeadby
thegloryoftheFather,wetoomi ghtwal
kin
newnessofl i
fe.

Thepast
orcl
osedt
heser
vicewi
tht
hechapt
ert
hat
wefoundonROMANS6:4

Weal
lwentbackhomeandl
eftmysi
steri
nthe
mi
ddl
eofnowhere.

Tobecont
inued

Li
ke,
shar
eandcomment
HERSTRUGGLE

CHAPTER49

VELBA

Thef uner al wentwel l.Wear ebackf rom Midrand.

Withl otsoff ood,thankst okhumbul ani.Iwon'tbe
cookingf orthr eeday s.It
'sbeent hreeday ssincewe
l
aidAmandat orest.Guguwasgoi ngbackt oschool
whi chmeantIhadt ogoandcheckherschool shoes
atpep.Lastt imeIcheckedt heywer echeapatpep.
I'
l
lgoandcheckont hem laterTommor ow,umm
ti
redj ustneedt otakeanap.May bef oranhourt hen
I'
l
lwakeupandwashheruni f
orm.Shewentt oay
withot herki ds.Iwasj ustwor r
iedaboutherdr eams
butIhopet heancest orswillr
ev ealtheirsel
ves
beforei twasl ate.Herdr eamshasst ar
tedtodi st
ract
her.She' snol ongerfocusedonherschool wor k.
Gugui sabr i
lli
antchild.It
'sjustthatIhat ethather
l
ev elofi ntell
igencehasdr oppedt ot op7.
KHENSANI
.

I'
velear ntal otoft hingsonmyj our ney ,I'
vef ound
outthatI '
m asangoma( Diviner)t her e'sinyanga
(Herbalist)theyknowhowt oheal peopl ewi t
hr oots,
andleaf s.Asf ormeIcanseet hings.Icani nterpret
dreams.Forhar monybet weent hel iv i
ngandt he
dead, vitalforat rouble-freel i
fe,Iwast oldt obel i
ev e
thattheancest orsmustbeshownr espectt hrough
ri
tual andani mal sacrifi
ce.Iwasgoi ngt oper f
or m
summoni ngr i
tualsbybur ningpl ant sl ikeimphepho
(Heli
chr ysum pet i
ola),danci ng,chant i
ng, channel l
ing
orplay i
ngdr um.Iwast oldtoof tengi vemypat i
ents
mut imedi cat i
onsmadef rom plant , animal and
miner als—imbuedwi t
hspi ri
tual signi fi
cance.These
mut ioftenhav epower fulsymbol ism; forexampl e,
l
ionf atmi ghtbepr eparedf orchi ldrent opr omot e
courage.Ther ear emedi cinesf orev ery t
hingf rom
physical andment alil
lness, social di sharmonyand
spir
itual dif
ficulti
est opot ionsf orpr otection, l
ov e
andluck.
Ihadcomeoutoft hewat ercarry
inggoatbi
l
ei nmy
hands.I twassosmal l
andy etshiny,
mywhol ebody
wascov eredwithblackMut i
.Ihadsnakearoundmy
neckwhenIcomeoutt hewat er
.Drumswerebeing
played,thwasa'ssangdi f
ferentmusicasIcameout.
Ihadr edcot t
ononmyhead, beadsonmyneckand
wr i
sts.Iwasgoi ngtowearanot heronewhenI
graduate.

Khumbul
ani

Wewewer eallar
oundt hetabl
e.Readyt ohear
Amanda' svideoclip,t
hatwasgoi ngtobeplayedi
na
fewmi nutes.Thelawy erpl
ayedthev i
deo.Shewas
glowi
ng.Wi thhergr eyBobtubeon.Hermakeupon
point
.Shemadesur ethatshelookedgood.The
babywasasl eep,weallkeptquit
eandf ocusedon
thescreeninf r
ontofus
Amanda: "It
'saf t
ernoon, sogoodaf ter noonf ami ly.
You'repr obabl yseei ngt hisv i
deobecauseI '
m dead.
Pleasedon' tmour nme.Lani Iunder standhowhur t
youar e,buti twasmyt i
mel i
ttl
ebr other .Dad, Thank
youf orrespect i
ngmywi shesandcar ryi
ngmysecr et,
event houghi twashar dt oli
etoy oursonandy our
wifeKat e.Khumbul ani pleaser ai
seAphi wewi thl ove.
Iwasgoi ngt ot akecar eofhi m butGoddeci dedt o
takeme.Ihadaboy fr
iendwhoabusedme, Idi dn't
wantt ol ety ouknowbecausesomehowIl ov edhi m.
Ilovey oual l myf ami l
y.Andt hanky oudadf or
raisi
ngmeev enthoughIwasaspoi l
tbr at.Thank
youy oucancut .Idon' thav eanywor dst osay .I
probabl yneedawi ner ightnow"shegi ggled, I
assumeshewasspeaki ngt othev ideogr apher .I
smi l
edt omy sel
f.Thel awy eropenedhi sbagand
tookoutt hewhi t
epaper .Itwasawi llreadingday

Lawy
er:
".
LastWi
l
landTest
amentTempl
ate
OF[
AmandaDl
omo]
PandaTip:ThisLastWi l
landTestamentisforone
i
ndividual
,butcouldbemodi fi
edforamar ri
ed
couple,asappli
cable.Notethatwil
l
sar every
personaldocumentsandneedsv ar
yfrom persont o
person,sotakecaret ousethist
emplateasagui de
tocreatealastwil
landt est
amentthatwillsui
ty our
needs."Iguessheal sodeci
dedtoincl
udet hetips

DECLARATI ON.I ,[Amanda] ,alegaladultwit

han
addr essat[Mi drand],beingofcompet entandsound
mi nd, doherebydecl arethistobemyl astwi l
land
test ament( hereinafter,“
LastWi l
l&Test ament”)and
doher ebyrevokeanyandal l
will
sandcodi cil
s
her et ofor
emadej ointl
yorsev eral
lybyme.If urt
her
decl ar ethatthisLastWi ll&Testamentr efl
ectsmy
per sonal wisheswi t
houtanyunduei nf
luence
what soev er
.

BACKGROUNDI NFORMATI ON.Attheti

meoft hi
s
LastWi
ll&Testament,Iam marr
iedt
o[Vusimusi
Dlomo]
,andIhave[2]chil
drenwhoarel
ist
edas
f
oll
ows:

[
Thandi
yenkosi
Dlomo]bor
n[16/
03/
2005]
[
Thandol
wet
hu]bor
n[14/
05/
2007]
EXECUTORAPPOI NTMENT.Iher ebynomi nateand
appoint[ EXECUTOR1Khumbul ani]as
Executor /Per sonalRepresent ativ
eoft hisLastWi l
l&
Testament .Shoul dtheaf orement ionedindividualbe
unavailable, unableorunwi l
lingt oser veas
Executor /Per sonalRepresent ativ
ewhenneeded,
thenInomi nat eandappoi nt[ EXECUTORMydad]as
thealternat eExecut or/
Per sonal Representativeof
thi
sLastWi l
l &Test ament .Immedi at
elyfoll
owi ng
mydeat h,theExecut or
/Per sonal Representativewill
beaut hor i
zedt oexerci
seal l provisionsoft hisLast
Will&Test amentandt ouset heasset sfrom my
estatetomakenecessar yar rangement s,wi t
hout
anyunnecessar ydelay,forthepay mentofper sonal
debts,obl i
gat ionsandf uner al expenses.

GUARDI
ANAPPOI
NTMENT.I
ntheev
entIam t
he
soleparentorlegalguar di
anofmynon- adult
chil
drenatt heti
meofmydeat h, t
henIher eby
nomi nateandappoi nt[ GUARDIAN1Khumbul ani]
,an
i
ndiv i
dualwithanaddr essat[Midrand, houseno
1903],aslegalguardianofmychi ldren.Shoul dthe
aforementionedindividualbeunav ailable,unableor
unwi l
li
ngtoserveasl egal guardi
anwhenneeded,
thenInomi nateandappoi nt[
Vusimusi NAME]ast he
alt
ernatelegalguardianofmychi l
dren.

BEQUESTS&REQUESTS.

Afterpaymentofallofper
sonaldebt
s,expensesand
l
iabil
it
ies,
Irequestanddir
ectthatmypropert
ybe
bequeathedasf ol
l
ows:

Igive,devi
seandbequeat halloftheremaini
ngand
residualpr
opertyIhaveowner shi
pinatthetimeof
mydeat h,whetherrealpropert
y,per
sonalpropert
yor
both,ofwhateverkindandwher eversit
uatedto
[Ntandoyenkosi
]absolutelyandenti
rel
y.Should
[
INHERI TOR1Aphiwe]notbel ivi
ng,t
henIgive,
deviseandbequeathal
l oftheremaini
ngand
resi
dual pr
oper
tyIhaveowner shi
pinatthetimeof
mydeat h,whet
herrealpropert
y,per
sonalpropert
yor
both,ofwhatev
erkindandwher eversit
uatedto
[
INHERI TORThandolwethu]absolut
elyandenti
rel
y.

PandaTip:Youmaychoosetospli
tyourrealand
personalpr
oper
tybetweenmorethanoneper sonor
youmaywantt oident
if
yspeci
fi
cassets.Needless
tosay,thi
ssect
ioncangetver
ycomplicated.

Uponmydeat
h,Idi
rectt
hatmyr
emai
ns:

PandaTi
p:Fini
shtheabov esent
encewit
hany
speci
fi
crequestsforbur
ialorcr
emati
on.

I
NWI TNESSWHEREOF, Iher
ebysubscri
bemyname
tot
hisLastWil
l&Test
ament ,
asofthedatesetfort
h
bel
ow,attheaddr
esssetfor
thbel
ow,infrontoft
he
att
esti
ngwi
tnesswhoalsosubscr
ibet
hei
rnamest
o
thi
sLastWi
ll&Testamentbel
owasofthesame
date,
atmyrequest
,andinmycompany.

[
NAME]

[
ADDRESSWHERESI
GNED]

_
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___
___
___
___
___
___
___
___
___
___
___
___
_

SI
GNATUREDATE

WI
TNESSESATTESTATI
ON:

Asofthedateof[NAME]’ssignatureabove,
[NAME]
decl
aredtous,theunder
signedwi t
nesses,t
hatthe
for
egoingLastWill
&Testament ,consi
sti
ngof[8
pages,i
ncl
udingthi
spage,expresses[NAME] ’
strue
andsincerestwi shesandwi l
l.[
Amanda]signedthi
s
LastWi l
l&Test amenti nourpresence,
andthenwe
si
gnedt hisLastWi ll
&Test amentin[NAME]’s
presenceandi nt hepresenceofeachotheratthe
addressshowni mmedi atel
yabove[NAME]’s
si
gnature.

[WI
TNESSNAMEVusi
musi
Dlomo]

_
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___
___
___
___
___
___
___
___
___
___
___
___
___
___
_

SI
GNATUREDATE

[
WITNESS2NAME]of[
ADDRESS]

Dearmybr ot
her
,I'
m sorr
yt hatIcoul
dn'ttel
lyou
aboutmyt woki
ds.Iwasashamedt hatIfel
t
pregnantatt
heageof15, Igotmar r
iedtheti
meI
wenttoLondon.Iam sosor r
yrememberwhenI
wentt ost aywi thdadf or5y ears?Wewer et r
yingto
hidemypr egnancy .Wedi dn'twantt ost ressMom, I
didn'twantt okillher.Ther efore,I'
veleftR500, 000
foryout ost artbusiness.Themoneywi llgoout
oncey ou'v
eshowedmyl awy eryourbusi nesspl an.
Thehousei si nmyt wodaught ersname.Am aski ng
toraiset hem wi ththel ove,Ihaddr awnupt hiswill
thetimeAphi wewasbor n, They'l
lcomeandst ay
withy ouoncet heyf i
nisht heirschool wor k.I
thereforegivet woofmycar stoy ou.Mybusi ness
sharest omyt hreeki ds,Thando.Nt andoandAphi we.
They '
llshareequal l
ywhent heyr each21y earsol d
thethr eeoft hem.Agai nI'
m sosor rymt akaMa

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SI
GNATUREDATE

[
WITNESS3Thul
ani
Mal
uleke]of[
ADDRESS]
_
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SI
GNATUREAmandaDl
omoDATE

PandaTip:Thelawsont hesetypesofdocuments
varybasedony ourlocation,socheckthelawsin
yourareaforanyspecificrequir
ements.Forinst
ance,
oneormor eofy ourwitnessesmayneedt obea
notar
ypublic.

TosayIwasshockedwoul dhav ebeenalie.Why

didn'tIfoundoutt hatshe'smar ri
ed?OrIwast o
busycl ubbingtonot iceit
.Ilookedatdadwi th
shame.Whywoul dt heycov erthi
sup?Istoodup
andki ckedt hechairIwassi tt
ingon.Iwentt othe
barar eaandt ookawhi sky,
somet hingtoburnmy
throat.Igroanedaf t
erI '
vegulpedtheglass.Ineedto
calm down

Tobecont
inued
HERSTRUGGLE

CHAPTER50

KHUMBULANI
.

Todaywast
het
ri
alday
.

Agr oupofhi ghlyintell

igentAmanda' scolleagues
beingsar econgr egatedinancour troom.Peopl e
suppor ti
ngt hemur derinoner aw,theywer ewear i
ng
t-
shirtsthatwer epr inted#Just i
ceforAmanda.She
wassmi li
ngi nthepi cture.ThaboandJabugoti n
accompani edbyt wopol iceofficers.Hisfami lywas
seatedi nfrontofus.Aunt ytr
iedt ocauseav urVai
butdadmanagedt ocal m herdown.Aunt yVel ba
wasal soseat edbesi dedad, she'ssosuppor t
ive.I
hadl eftAphiwewi thmygr andmot her .Iwasnot
supposedt ol ef
thi m withherbutt hisi sserious.
OFFICER:
"Al
lri
seincourt
""Hehitthetablewitha
gavel
.Ever
yonerosefrom t
hei
rseatsast healien
j
udgecamesi nandtookhisseat.Theclerkhanded
hi
m apieceofpaper.

JUDGE:Thi
scour
tisnowi
nsessi
on.Thepeopl
ewi
l
l
beseat
ed."
Ever
yonesatasthejudgel
ookedovert
hepieceof
paper
.Hethenlookeddownatthedeskwherethe
JabuandThatoarebothseat
ed.

JUDGE:
"Wi
l
lthedef
ensepl
easer
ise?
"

Hi
seyesr
osebutthehumanr emai
nedseated.The
manl
ookedbewi
ldered,
almostasi
fhedidn’thear
.

JUDGE:
"Wi
llt
hedefendantpl
easeri
se?
"Hewas
l
ooki
ngatt
hem t
hroughhisspecks
Jabulookedaroundconf
used,butthefier
ylooki
n
thej
udge’seyescompell
edhimt ostand.

JUDGE:"
Mr.Jabul
aniyoust
andaccusedofki
l
li
ng
Mrs.AmandaDlomo.Howdoyouplead?"
Jabu:
"I…Idon’
tunder
stand.
"Hest
utt
ered
JUDGE:Didyouordidy ounotcommi
tthesecr
imes
agai
nstyourf
ell
ow-creatur
es?
Jabu:"I
’
m notamurder
er!Idi
dn’
tkil
lanybody
!"He
excl
aimed.Si
nceThaborepor
tedthecasehehas
beensayingt
hathedi
dnotkil
lmysister
.Whywould
Thabomadet hi
sup?
JUDGE:"
Thenyoupl
eadnotgui
l
ty?
"Heaskedwi
th
aneyebr
owrai
sed
Jabu:
"Yes.
"Hesai
dconf
ident
ly
JUDGE:"
Verywell
,then.Mr.Labul
a,youmay
appr
oachthest
and."That'
shissurname

Themanwal
kedt
otheboxbesi
det
hej
udge’
sdesk.
JUDGE:
"Wi
l
lthepr
osecut
ionpl
easer
ise?
"
Alawyerrose.Hewasdefendi
ngJabu,I
'm surehe
hadtol
dhimt opleadgui
lt
ybythef
acialexpressi
on
i
nhisface.Helookedli
kehewasnotprepared

Judge:
"Youmayproceed.
"Thej
udgesai
dandl
aid
backonhisseat

Prosecutor
:Mr.Labul
a,di
dyoustabMrs.Amanda?
Andlaterdumpedherinthemiddl
eofnowhere?
Jabu:
"Ofcour
senot
."
Prosecutor
:"Youdi
dn’
taskThabof
orahel
p?Toget
ri
doft hebody?"
Jabu:
"Idi
dnot
."
Pr
osecut
or:
"Doy
ouwor
k?"
Jabu:
"No"
Pr
osecut
or:
"Wer
eyout
heonewhowashandl
i
ng
Mr
s.Amanda'
scar
ds?
"
Jabu:
"Yes,
shegav
ethem t
ome"
Pr
osecut
or:
"Asi
mpl
eyesorno"
Prosecutor:"
ShouldIt akeyoubackont hedayyou
werewashi ngy ourcar?Thesecur i
ti
esont hegates
saysthatMr s.Amandacame, andaround21:37PM
Youdr oveouthercar .Andy oucamebackusi nga
cab.Mi ndexplaini
ngthat?"She'sgood
Jabu:"Shedidcame.Butshehadl
eftear
lysay
ing
thatshelef
tthebabywit
hheraunt
y"
Prosecutor
:"okay
"shecl
osedherf
il
eandopened
anotherone
Prosecut
or:"
Whathappenedt
oyourbabymamaand
thebaby?"
Jabu:
heshi
ft
eduncomf
ort
abl
y"Theydi
ed"
Pr
osecut
or:
"Isi
t?Whathappenedt
othem?
"
Jabu:
"Thef
ir
eki
l
ledt
hem"
Pr
osecut
or:
"Youmeant
osayy
ouki
l
ledt
hem r
ight
"
Hi
slawy
er:
"Obj
ect
ionmyl
ord"
Judge:
"Mr
s.Nkabapl
easecont
inue"
Pr
osecut
or:
"Thanky
ou.Di
dyoul
oveher
?
Jabu:
"Ofcour
se"
Prosecutor
:"From whatIbel
iev
eist
hat
.Youdon'
t
harm peopl
ey ouclai
mt olov
e"
Jabu:
"What
'sy
ourpoi
nt?
"
Prosecutor
:"Mypointisthatshedeni
edtogi
veyou
money .Thenyoudecidedt oendherl
i
fe,
thenyou
panickedandcall
yourf r
iendtohel
pyou"
Jabu:
"Idi
dnotdosuch"
Pr
osecut
or:
"Thenwhathappenedt
oyourbaby
mama?"
Jabu:
"Theydi
ed"
Pr
osecut
or:
"Okay
,Ar
eyoubi
pol
i
c?"
Jabu:
"Whatdoest
hathav
etodowi
thanyoft
his?
Pr
osecut
or:
"Yesorno,
Mr.Jabul
ani
"
Abr
iefsi
l
ence.

JUDGE:
Answert
hequest
ion.
Jabu:
"No"
Pr
osecut
or:
"Nof
urt
herquest
ionsmyl
ord"

Thepr osecutorr
etur
nstoherseatwhil
ethedefense
att
orneyr i
sestotakethef
loor
.Helooksatthe
defendant,thenl
ooksoveratt
hejury
.

DEFENSEATTORNEY:"
Youwer
einy
ourapar
tment
thedayMr
s.Amandadi
ed?"
Jabu:
"Yes"
DEFENSEATTORNEY:
"Hav
eyouev
erl
aidahandon
her
?"
Jabu:
"Onl
yonce"
DEFENSEATTORNEY:
"Ri
ght
."
DEFENSEATTORNEYt othejury:Yousee?Li ke
AmandaMr .Jabul
anisimplydidn’tknowwhathe
wasdoing.Hewassi mplyavicti
m ofhi stimeand
hiscul
tur
e,andwhatareclearl
ycr imest ous
seemedsonor maltohimthathedi dn’tbother
questi
ontheconsequencesofhisact ions.Canwe
real
lybl
amet hi
shumanf ornotrealizi
ngwhathe
wasdoinganymor ethanwecoul dbl ameoneofour
owny out
h?"

Theat t
orneywalksbackt
othedeskasthe
prosecutorr
isesandappr
oachesthemanagai
n.
PROSECUTOR:
"Di
dyoul
oveherf
orhermoney
?
Jabu:
"No"
PROSECUTOR:
"Not
hingf
urt
her
."

Theprosecut
orr
etreat
sbacktohi
sdeskast
he
def
enseattor
neyapproaches.

DEFENSEATTORNEY:
Iunder
standy
ouhav
ea
f
ami
l
y,Mr
.Jabu"
Jabu:
"Yes.Mymom andt
wosi
bli
ngs.Boyandgi
rl
"
DEFENSEATTORNEY:
"Andwoul
dyousayt
haty
ou
l
oveyourf
amil
y?"
Jabu:
"Mor
ethanany
thi
ng.
"
DEFENSEATTORNEY:So,couldyousayt
hatt
hese
al
legedcri
mest
hatyouunknowingl
ycommitt
ed
werefordoi
ngt
hegoodofy ourf
amily
?
Jabu:
"No"
DEFENSEATTORNEY:"Wouldyouwantsomethi
ng
thathappenedt
oAmandahappenst
oy ourbaby
sis?'
Jabu:
"No.
"

DEFENSEATTORNEY: Well
,thereyouhavei
t.Mr.
Jabulaniwoul
dneverhurtawomanwhi leheknows
thathehasamot herandasister.Whywoul
dhedo
badthingstoAmanda?Whi l
ehedoesn'twantthem
tohappentoHislit
tl
esist
er?
Theprosecutormarchedtothef
rontofthe
cour
troom befor
ethedefenseat
torneywasseat
ed.

PROSECUTOR:"
Arether
eot
herway
stomakea
l
ivi
ng,
Mr.Jabul
ani
?'
Jabu:
"Isuppose.
"
PROSECUTOR:
"Yesorno.
"
Jabu:
"yes"

PROSECUTOR:Andar
ethereotherway
sofmaki
nga
l
ivi
ngavai
l
abl
etoyouwhichdon’ti
nvol
vet
he
scami
ngpoorwomentheirmoney?Int
henameof
l
ove?"
Jabu:
'Sur
e,butI–"
PROSECUTOR:
"Not
hingf
urt
her
"

Thepr
osecut
orwal
ksawayast
hedef
ensel
awy
er
appr
oaches.

DEFENSEATTORNEY:"Mr.Jabul
ani
,woul
dyousay
youarear
eli
giousman?"
Jabu:
"Yes,
Iwoul
d."
DEFENSEATTORNEY: Andwoul
dyousayyour
rel
i
gionprescr
ibesthaty
ouval
uecer
tai
nthi
ngs
morethanothers?
Jabu:
"Yeah,
I’
dsayso.
"
DEFENSEATTORNEY:
Andwhatar
esomeoft
hose
val
ues?
Jabu:
"Fai
th,
hope,
andl
ove.
"
DEFENSEATTORNEY:"Anddoyoubel
i
evey
ouar
e
l
ivi
ngaccor
dingt
othoseval
ues?
"
Jabu:
"Ido.
"
DEFENSEATTORNEY:"Anddoesyourrel
i
gioust
ext
pl
acetheval
ueofhumanbeingsaboveother
cr
eatur
es?
"
Jabu:
"Yes.Humanbei
ngshav
esoul
s.Ani
mal
s
don’
t.
"
DEFENSEATTORNEY: "Andcouldyousaythaty
ou
areli
vi
ngthebestl
if
ey oucanaccordi
ngtoyour
rel
igi
onandyourval
ues?"
Jabu"Yes,
Ibel
ieveIam.Genesi
stel
lsustobe
stewardsoft
helandandrul
eovernatur
e."
DEFENSEATTORNEY:
Not
hingf
urt
her
.

Thedefenseat
tor
neywal
kedawayast
hepr
osecut
or
appr
oaches.

PROSECUTOR:Mr.Jabul
ani
,yousai
dthaty
ourf
ait
h
pr
escr
ibesl
ove,
correct
?
Jabu:
"Cor
rect
."

PROSECUTOR:Sowherewasthelov
efort
hewomen
youhadensl
aved,
tor
tur
edandkil
l
ed?"
DEFENSEATTORNEY:
Obj
ect
ion!
JUDGE:
"Sust
ained.Rephr
aset
hequest
ion.
"

Abr
iefpause.

PROSECUTOR:
Mr.Jabu,
isal
lofGod’
scr
eat
ion
good?
"
Jabu:
"Yes,
iti
s."
PROSECUTOR:"Anddoy
ouconsi
dery
our
sel
faspar
t
ofGod’
screat
ion?
"
Jabu:
"Yes.
"
PROSECUTOR:"Anddoyoubeli
evet
hatwomenar
e
al
soapartofGod’scr
eat
ion?
"
Jabu:
"yes"
PROSECUTOR:
Anddoy oubel
i
evet
hatGodl
oves
ani
malsaswel
lashumans?
Jabu:
"Yes.
"
PROSECUTOR:"
Anddoyoubeli
evey
oushoul
dal
so
showlov
eforGod’
scr
eat
ion?
"
Jabu:
"Ofcour
se.
"
PROSECUTOR: "Thenwhatr eason, Mr.Jabulani,
couldyoupossi bl
yhavef ordestroyi
ngit?What
possiblereasoncoul
dy ouhav efordest r
oyingot her
beings?You’renotachild,soy ouknewf ullwellwhat
youwer edoing.Youcoul dhavef oundanot herjobat
anytimewhi chdidn’
tinvolvetort
ureandki ll
ing,but
youchosenott oofy ourownf reewi l
l
.Ev eny our
ownr eli
gionwhichyoupr ofesstobelieveincompel s
yout oloveandcareforal l
ofGod’ screati
on–
especiall
ytheweakandt hevulnerabl
e.

Thisleftuswithonepossi bleexplanati
on: y
oudidit
becausey oucoul d!Youdiditbecausei tgaveyou
pleasure!Diditmakey oufeelli
kemor eofamant o
stri
panot herbeingofitsl
ife,i
tsl
iberty,andits
happiness?Tel l
me, Mr.Jabulani,
woul dy oudothe
samet oy ourmot herandyoursiblings?"
DEFENSEATTORNEY:
"Obj
ect
ion!
"Shequi
ckl
yst
ood
up
JUDGE:
"Wat
chi
t.
"
PROSECUTORcont i
nuing:
"Religi
onisnotaweapon
youcanusetojustif
yy ourbehav i
or,Mr.Jabulani
.
Youknowper f
ectlywellwhaty oudid,andno
amountofspiri
tuali
nvocationcansav ey oursoul
fr
om theconsequencesorbr i
ngbackt heinnocent
l
ivesyoustol
efrom others.Iherebyrestmycase. "

Thedefenseattorneyroseandgacehisclosing
remarkmagi
stratedeliber
atedf
orahalfhourand
retur
nedtothecour t
.Amemberoft hemagi str
ate
thenhel
dupapi eceofpaper.

JUDGE:"Howdoy
ouf
indt
hedef
endant
?Gui
l
tyor
notgui
l
ty

Magi
str
atemamber "
:Yourhonor,
wethemagi
str
ate
f
indt
hedefendantgui
lt
yonallcount
s.

JUDGE:
Mr.Jabul
ani
,fory
ourcr
imes,
Iher
eby
sent
encey
out
oli
fei
npr
isonWi
thoutpar
ole"

Ast hemanhear dthegui

lt
yverdi
ct,
hebeginstof
eel
theroom swir
laroundhim.Suddenl
yheismute.He
feelshi
sbodygonumbandseest hecourtr
oom
dissol
vebefor
ehi minahaze.“WhathaveIdone?
”
themansay saloudtohimsel
f.“Whathavewedone?
Godhelpusal l
…”

Ast heof f
icercamet otakehim away,t
hemancr i
ed
asheexi t
sthecour t
room,power l
ess,v
oiceless,
and
soont obenamel ess–mar kedwi t
hanumberand
confinedt oacelltoli
veoutat ort
uredexist
ence:a
l
ifeheunwi t
ti
nglygav esomanypower less,
voiceless,andnamel essother
s.

Dadst oodupandhuggedme, peopl

estartedto
songhappi l
y.Thecour
twasfil
l
edwithlaughterand
happiness.Final
l
y,j
ust
icef
ormysisterhappened,
I'
m sureshe'ssmili
ngwher
evershei
s.
HERSTRUGGLE

CHAPTER51

Aweekl
ater

KHUMBULANI
.

Wewer ebusyeat ingdi nneront hefami l

yt able,
Thandi andThandocamet oSout hAf r
icawi ththei
r
father,apparentl
yt heycamet othefuner albutI
didn'tseet hem sincei twaspacked.Ther ewasl ot
ofpeopl ethatev enf oodcoul dn'taccommodat eal
l
oft hem.Wehadt or usht obaker yandbuyl oafsof
breadand500ml ofcol ddrinks.Peoplesuppor t
ed
Amanda.I '
m happyt hatJust i
ceser vedforher .The
kidswer eawf ul
lyqui ett hatIhadt oaskwhet her
they '
realr
ightornot .
Me:"
Thandi
areyoual
ri
ght
?"Iaskedl
ooki
ngatt
hem.
Thandi
wastheshyone
Thandi
:
"Whydi
dmom l
i
veusi
naf
orei
gncount
ry?
"

Me:"Idon'thaveananswerf ort
hatquest i
onbut
babygirlMommyhadr easonsforwhatshedid,thi
s
countryistoocruelforyourcut
ef ace.You'
re15
year
sThandi I
'm sureyouknowhowmomydi ed.
She'
sdi dn'twantthattohappentoy outwogirl
s"
Thandi
:
"SoIdon'
thav
eamot
her
?"
Me:
"I
'm her
e,Icanbey
ourmot
her
"
Thandi
:"
Wil
lyouwearaski
rt
?I'
m agi
rlsomet
hings
I
'l
lneedtodi
scusst
hem wi
thawoman"
Me:"
Don'
tworr
yaboutt
hat
,am sur
ekhensani
wil
lbe
del
i
ghtedt
olendanear
"
Thandi:
"Okay
"shekeptqui
et.Iwonderwhyshe
di
dn'taskmewho'skhensanibuti
t'
salr
ight
.

Dad:
"Khumbul
ani
canwet
alk?
"
Me:"
Aboutwhatdad?"Wehaven'
thadapr
opert
alk
si
nceIhear
dthedist
urbi
ngnews
Dad:
"Gi
rl
sdon'
tyouwantt
opl
aywi
tht
hebaby
?"
Thandi
:
"Wedo"
Dad:
"Come,
letmegoandshowy
ouhi
sroom"

Theywi pedthei
rhandswithadishclot
hand
disappearedtothecor
ri
dorwi t
hdad.Istoodupand
wentt otakeabeerint
hefridge,i
twasabl ackl
abel
.
Ineedt hi
stoeasemyst r
ess

Dad:
"That
'smydr
inkLani
"
Me:
"I
'm sor
rydad,
I'
ll
repl
acei
t"
Dad:"
Cool
,comel
et'
sgoandsi
tdownsot
hatwecan
tal
k"
Me:
"Okay"wewenttositout
sidethehouse.The
moonalongwit
hstart
smadet heskylookcalm.I
t
ookasitonthebench.Healsosatdown
Dad:
"AboutAmandaandt
heki
ds,
Ithi
nky
ouneed
cl
ari
fi
cati
on"
Me:
"Hel
lIdoneedt
hat
,howcany
oubot
hhi
desuch
t
ome"

Dad:"
Rememberwhenshecamebackf
rom school
wit
hblood?
"
Me:
"Ofcour
se,
whywouldIf
orgott
hat
.I'
mtheone
whocal
ledt
heambul
ance"
Dad:
"Good,whenwear ri
vedatthehospi
tal
her
doct
ortol
dmet hatshehadmi scar
ri
ageonechi
ld.
Shewascarryi
ngtri
plet
s"
Me:"
Thisi
sconf
usi
ng,
thenwhydi
dyouguy
shav
eto
hi
deit?
"

Dad:
"Idi
dn'twantt
ost
ressKat
e,Khumbu.Youknow
howsickyourmom was"

Me:
"Whydi
dn'
tyout
ell
met
hen"
Dad:
"Youwouldhavetol
dyourmot
her
,that
'swhywe
deci
dedtokeepthesecr
et"
Me:"
Butatt
heendmom di
ed.Whyy
oust
il
lkepti
ta
secr
et"
Dad:
"Idon'thaveananswerf
orthat
,butIr
espect
ed
herwisheswhichwasnottotel
lyou"
Me:
"Andf
orget
ti
ngmar
ri
ed.WhywasInoti
nvi
ted"

Dad:
"Theygotmar
ri
edi
ncour
t"
Me:
"Butwhydi
dn'
tInot
icei
t"
.
Dad:
"Youwe'
ret
oobusychasi
ngev
eryski
rtt
hat
passby,
Khumbul
ani
"

Me: "
ButIsti
lldeser
vedtoknow,
didn'
tI?Dad,
thi
sis
big.I'
m notsureifI
'
mr eadyt
ohavesuchbiggi
rl
sto
callmeuncle"
Hi
m:"
Thi
sisnotabouty
ou"
Me:
"Yety
oukepti
tasecr
etf
rom me?
"
Him:"
Lani
,youhav
etounderst
andthaty
ouj
ust
changedf
orabett
erper
son.Youknowhowyou
were"
Me:
"Yeah,
rightkeeponmaki
ngt
hatanexcuse"
Him:"
It
snot,yoursi
sterbeggedmenott
otel
lyouor
yourmother
"
Me:
"I
tst
il
ldoesn'
tmakemef
eel
anybet
ter
"
Hesi
ghed
Him:"I
'
m sorrywehadtokeepitasecr
et.I
twasfor
thebetter
.Iwontbeapol
oget
icaboutkeepi
ngyour
sist
erswishes"
Me:
"Iknow.
."
Si
l
ence.
.

Me:"
Soeveryt
imeshecl
aimedthatshewasgoi
ngt
o
busi
nesst
ri
psshewaslyi
ng?"
Dad:"
Whydon'ty
ouaskyour
sel
fwhyshenev
er
spentChr
ist
maswit
hyou?"
Me:
"Idon'
tknowdad,
whatIknowi
sthatt
he
companyshewasworki
ngf
ort
akest
hem outon
tr
ipsf
orChri
stmasEv
e"

Dad:
"You'
reaf
ool
somet
imes"
Me:
"Butdad"
Dad:
"I
'm sor
ryf
orhi
dingsuchf
rom y
ou.
"
Me:
"I
t'
scool
,dadwe'
vegotapr
obl
em"
.

Dad:
"Whatpr
obl
em?
"
Me:"
Khensani
wil
lbegr
aduat
ingintwoweeks, we
needR50000todoal
loft
hethingsthat
'sneeded"

Dad:
"I
'l
lbor
rowy
ou.ButIneedi
tkhumbul
ani
"
Me:
"Thanky
ou,
I'
ll
payy
ou"
Dad:
"Youbet
terkeepy
ourpr
omi
se.Iwr
it
eacheque
fory
outomorrow"
Me:
"Goodni
ghtgr
oot
man"
Dad:
"Nott
ofast
,Iwon'
tbeabl
etol
ookaf
tert
he
babywheny
ougott
owor
k"
Me:
"Whatdoy
ousuggest
?"Thi
smeanst
hatI
'
llhav
e
t
oquit
Dad:
"Whydon'tyouhi
reaunt
yVel
ba?It
hinkshe'
s
ther
ightcandi
datef
orthej
ob"
Me:
"Ohh,
soy
oucankeepaney
eonher
?"
Dad:
"Am It
oool
dtot
ry?
"

Me:"
Idon'
tknow.Don'taskme,
butt
hatdoesn'
t
meanyouumm. .i
twakesup?Imeanit
'sbeenwhi
l
e
si
nceyouknow..
"Ilaughed

Dad:
"Fuckyou,howdoyouknowthat
.I'
m not
st
ayi
ngwi t
hy ousoyoudon'
tknowanyt
hingabout
mysexlif
e"
Me:
"Butshecanal
sousesome.
"
Dad:"
Boy,goodni
ght
"helaughedandwenti
nsi
dethe
house.It
ookoutacigari
nmypocketandli
ghti
ton.
Iexhal
edthesmoke.
KHENSANI

Iwasont helaststeptograduateandof fi
cial
becomeasangoma, t
odaywast hedayt hatIwas
goingtobewashedwi thgoat'
sblood.Ihadal ready
str
ippednakedi nsi
dethesteelbasin.Gogot ooka
bowel andsplashedtheblood
onmyhead.Thebl oodsmel l
edsoawf ul,butI '
l
l get
usedt ot hissinceI '
llbeusi ngt hi
ngst hatsmel lsbad.
It
'spar tofmyl i
fe,I'veaccept edit.Iwasgi vena
dresspr intedt i
ger,itwasr edincolour .Andacl ot h
tocov ermyshoul ders.Tommor owacl ientwas
comi ngt oconsul t,andI '
mt heonewho' ssupposed
tohel phim/ her.I'
m happyy etscared.I fIdoi tright
I'
l
l gohomebecauset here'll
benot hi
ngl eftforme
here, I
'
v edoneev erythingthatIhadt odo.Imi ssmy
son, Lastlymyl ilsister.Ialsoknowhowt opl aya
drum, I'
vel earntalotoft hings.Iwast ol dt hatIcan
prayofIwantt o.It'
snot hingt obescar edi f
,Icango
tot hemount ainandconnectwi t
hthedearl ord.I '
ll
al
sogetabookofdi
ff
erentr
oot
stohel
ppeopl
e.I
'
m
badatmemori
zi
ngthi
ngs.

Thefol
lowingday,Iwasgi venaisi
dlako,
(ahat
madeofcowhi de)
, mkhonto(spear
),consult
ingbar
wit
hbonesi nsi
deandl astl
yamatt okneel on.Let
menotf or
getastickwi t
hlonghairfrom cow'stai
l
ontheendofi t
.Thesangoma' ssti
ck.

IwasbusygroundingherbswhenanotherTwasa
caneandclappedherhandsinfr
ontofme.This
resul
tst
hatthecli
enthasarr
ived.

Me:
"Thanky
ou,
coul
dyoupl
easef
insht
hisf
orme?
"
Her
:"
Nopr
obl
em"Ismi
l
ed.She'
snewher
e
Me:"Thanky
ou,
letmegoandoveranddonewi
th
t
his.Iwantt
ogohome"shel
aughed
Her
:"
Trustme,
Iwi
sht
obey
our
ightnow"
Me:
"You'
l
lgr
aduat
esoon.Don'
twor
ry"Il
aughedand
wal
kedt
owearar
edcl
othandbeadsonmyhands.

Icall
edherinafterI'
vesettl
ed,shehadanaborti
on.
Shewant edtobecleansed.Thisiseasy
.Apparentl
y
theinnocentsouli
shur ti
ngher.Whoam Itojudge,
I
hadsev er
alherbsthatUgogogav eme,onewast he
barkofMaphi patr
ee,Itookthebottl
eofitand
shookit.Youhavet oleavei
tinabucketfor
overni
ght

Me:
"Yougonnahav
etouset
hist
oWashy
ourbody
."

Her
:"
Ngi
y'
avuma"shecl
appedherhands
Anotherwastheleaf
sofi
mpephobushes,
lef
tint
he
bucketifwat
er.

Me:"
Youstr
ict
lybat
hwi
tht
hisi
nthemor
ning.Make
sur
eofit
"
Ihadalsogroundedawhiterootcal
ledi
sil
awu.
WhichIfoundintheveld,
Ihadputitint
hewaterand
usesti
cktostirunt
ili
tbecomesfoamy
Me:
"Andi
nthi
sbot
tl
e,y
ouonl
ydr
inkt
hef
oam"Iput
I
tasi
de.

Ial
socl eansedherandaskhertoaskfor
for
giveness.Ibur
ntimpephoandcoverhersel
fwit
h
ablanket.Shehadtoabsorbthesmokeandar oma.

Guys,
Ididmyresear
chsoi fyoufoundt
hat
somethi
ng'
swrongyoucancommentont he
commentssect
ion,I
'
llchangeit

Tobecont
inued
Li
ke,
shar
eandcomment
HERSTRUGGLE

(
Thi
schapt
eri
swr
it
teni
nanessayf
orm)

CHAPTER52

Fewmont
hsl
ater

KHUMBULANI
.

Wewer etravel
ingtoLimpopo, Giyani.That'
swher e
Khensani'sceremonywi l
lbehel d.I'
m gladshe's
fi
nallycomi nghomeaf t
ersomanymont hs.I'
m sure
Aphi weforgother,buthe'l
ldef i
nitel
yr ememberher
whenheseesher ,
that'
sonet hi
ngf orsur e,
achild
willalwaysbeconnect edtot heirmot her.Idoubt
thatshe'l
lcontinuewithbreast f
eeding, i
t'
sbeenso
l
ong.Wehadboughtev eryt
hingt hatwasneeded,
threecowsand5goat s.Herr oom hadashowerand
bathroom, butnowi tonl yhasashowerbecauseI
tookt hatspaceandbui l
tsomet hingt hatshe' ll
be
wor ki
ngon.Dadagr eedf orhert owor kher ei nthe
houseonl yifit
'semer genci es.Af terloadi ngt he
bagsi nt hecarIwentandt ookt hesl eepingAphi we
andst rappedhi m onhi scarseat .Hewaspeacef ull
y
asleep.Aunt yVel bawasnowAphi we' snanny ,she
doesherwor kgood.She' ssodet ermi nedev en
thoughsheanddad? !Butl etmekeepqui et.The
dri
v etoLi mpopowasl ong, mor eespeci allysinceI
waswi thAphi weonl y.Vel ba, Gugu, anddadt hey
wer eusingdad' scar .Nobodywant edt odr ivewi t
h
me.Pl usI '
dst opwhenev ert hebabycr i
es.Andal so
changehi snappy ,Iwast heonet oar rivewhent he
sunwasaboutt oSet .Ev eryonewasgoi ngupand
down, i
t'
sapi tyhermom won' tbeher et oseeher
chil
dgr aduat e.Therewer epai nter spai ntingt he
walls,theywer ebi tcracked.Andt hepai ntwasgoi ng
off,I'
m sur ethey'l
lbeabl et ohi det hecr ackswi t
h
paint.Wehadal r
eadybookedaguesthousef orus.
Guguwassohappyt oseehersi ster.I t
'sbeensev en
mont hswi thouther ,shewassupposedt ocome
home5mont hsback.Buti twast ooear ly,shehad
t
olear
naf
ewt
hings.

KHENSANI
.

Iwasr eadyt ogot hroughwi tht hegr aduat i

onaf ter
spendingmor ethant hr eemont hsinpr epar ati
onf or
thi
sdayatGogo' shome.Bef orewecangot o
Limpopo, Thebur ningher bswer eappl i
edt omy
body ,i
t'
sstatethati tgiv esbody -power edf irethe
grueli
ngr i
tualsshehatt oendur edur ingt he
graduationceremony .Shehadusedar azorblade
forsmal lcutsonmybody ,focusi ngont hejoints
andf orehead.Later,ancest ral medi ci
newasappl ied
tothecut stobeabsor bedbyt hebody .Shesai dt hat
thescar swillr
emai nonmyski nf orther estofmy
l
ifeasev idenceofgr aduat i
on.Ihadt oi nhalethe
i
ncensei ftheher bs,sot hattheancest or scangai n
entrytomysoul andpr ov i
det hegi f
tofheal i
ng.

Aft
erthepr
ocess,wegotinsidet
heToyotaHi
l
ux,
we
hadredcl
ayinourheads.Ihadbrai
dson.Wewer
e
al
lsi
tt
ingatt
hebackoft
hecar
.

Thecer emonycannowpr oceed.Thedanci ngand

singingencour
agest hegraduat eandpr ai
sethe
Gods, aski
ngforthei
rassistance.Agoatwas
fetched.Oneofmyancest ralli
nes, t
heMDZAWU
tookont hefor
m ofthisanimal .Ini
ti
ates,
AMATHWASANE, Sangomast hathav eyetto
graduateareeasil
yrecognized.Thebr aidsofthei
r
hairaredyedwithaspecial r
edcl ay.

Thegoatwasgi v enabr ewconsi st

ingofmal t,
grain,
andmedi cineasanof feri
ngt otheancestorwithinit
.
Thet ai
lispl ai
tedasapr ecaut ionforwhent hegoat
i
ssl aughteredatal aterstage.Thi sistoensuret hat
thosewhoeatt hemeatwi l
lnotgetsi ck.The
graduatebl owst hebr ewi ntot hemout handear sof
thegoat,maki ngper sonal communi cat
iontoher
ancestorssot hatt her i
tual maybesuccessf uland
theancest orsgr anttheirco- operat
ion.Ihadshar ed
themedi cinewi ththegoat ,creati
ngabondbet ween
us

Iwascov eredinredcl oth,

Ilaiddown, alsothegoat
waspl acednexttome, thi
swast het i
meofbei ng
anxious,Iwaspray i
ngi nmyhear tthatthegoat
respond.Looksli
ket heGodshear dmypr ayers
becauset hegoatdi dn'
trefuset ogoi ntoasl umber.
Thecer emonywassuccessf ul.Thegoatr emai ned
unconsciousunti
l theblanketwasl i
fted…ther i
tual
wasasuccess.Ev eryoneishappyandr eli
eved.The
spir
itoftheancestorwassat isfied.

Gogo:"Bei
ngaSangomaort
radi
ti
onal
heal
er,
means
thatt
hepersonmusthav
eadualr
olei
nthe
communi t
y.
Youwillbeatr
adi
tionalheal
er,
butmustnotforget
yourr
oleasamot her,f
ather
,brot
her
,orsist
er.
"She
sai
dafterpul
l
ingofftheclot
honmyf ace.Il
ooked
down
Iwast
aughtnott
obeaf
rai
dandnott
ofor
getmy
i
mport
antrol
easawoman.

Myhandsar econst
antl
yanointedwit
hwetearthand
amixtureofther
emainsofthesecrether
bs.The
Sangomaswer egui
dingmest epbystepasift
hisi
s
thefi
rstti
meperfor
mingthesetasks.

AllAfri
canHeal ershav eahutcal l
edi si
godl o.This
hutiswher etheamadl ozi andizit
huny war esides
andalsoaconsul t
ationr oom.Bef or et hei thwasa
fi
nisheshis/herukuthwasat heidl
ozi visit
shi m/ her
andshowt heithwasat het y
peofi sigodl ot hey
wouldliketor esi
deandwor kin.Ot her sar et he
roundhut s(r
ondav el)other suguqa, bot hthat ched
withgrass.Thi si
sigodloi sv er
ycritical inlifeandal l
practi
cesoft heuhlany a.Thi shuthassomespeci al
rul
eswhi chmustbeobey ednowandagai n.

Iwassohappytoknowthatther
ewasahutbuil
t
nextt
omygreatgrandmother
'shut
.Buti
thur
tthatI
won'tbeusingitthatmuch,I'
m basedinGauteng.I
'
ll
onlycomeher ewhent heIneededtocome, when
themat t
ersgetswor set
haticannotdealwiththem
i
nGaut eng.Ir
eceivedadiff
erentgif
ts,
Istoodupand
l
eftothersdancingandhavingfun.
Iwassearchi
ngformysonunt
ilIf
oundKhumbulani
tryi
ngtocal
m hi
m down.Hel
ookedsoti
redand
restl
ess

Ist
oodabi
tbefor
egoingthem,watchinghimtr
yto
cal
m hi
m.Hehadchanged,changedforthebet
ter
.
Me:
"CanI
?"Iki
ndast
art
ledhi
m.
Hi
m:"
Khensani
!!
"
Hi
m:You.
.y
oul
ooksodi
ff
erent
"
Me:
"Yuhr
ight
,howhav
eyoubeen?
"
Him:"
Alothashappened.Butt
hisi
snotthet
imet
o
tal
kabouti
t.Todayi
syourday,y
oubett
erenj
oyi
t"
hewasstil
lcry
ing
Me:
"What
'swr
ongwi
thhi
m?CanIt
akehi
m?"
Hi
m:"
Yes,
sur
e"
Me:"OhhMyGodhe'ssobig.Imissedhi
m"I
embracehimi
nmyar ms.Helookedatmyface,
an
ear
-pi
erci
ngcr
yechoedinhismouth.
Me:
"Whyi
shecr
yingKhumbul
ani
?Whatdi
dyoudo
t
ohim?
"
Him:"Not
hing,
bri
nghi
m"Igavehi
m backt
ohis
arms.Hecalmeddownabi
t.Whywouldhecr
y?Di
dI
scar
ehim maybe?
Him:
"Don'twor
ry,
he'
l
lgetusedt
oyou.Youknow
howkidsare
Me:
"It
'sokay
,letmegoandgr
eetot
her
s"
Him: "Sharp.I
'l
lgoandcheckhi spamper stoo"he
turnedandwal kaway .Myhear tbr oke,howcan
Aphi weforgethismot herjustli
ket hat
?Buthe
l
ookedsocut ewi thhistinymout h.Idon'tknow,but
i
tf eelsl
ikeI'
m notspi ri
tual
lyattachedt ohi m.I
thoughtIwasgoi ngtohugandt hrowki ssesonhis
facewhenIseehi m butIfai
led.
Voice:
"Whatar
eyout
hinki
ngaboutmychi
l
d?"I
tur
ned
Me:
"Ma?
"Igasped

Tobecont
inued

Pl
easel
i
keshar
eandcomment
HERSTRUGGLE

CHAPTER53

Khensani
.

Iwaswokenupbyt hebabycr
ies,Irol
ledoutofthe
bedandcheckedtheti
meonthewal l
.Itwas8Am, I
hadsleptsol
ong.Iwasti
redt
hosepastf ewmont hs
havebeenhell
forme.Khumbulaniwasst il
lasl
eep,I
si
ghedasIsawt hepi
ll
owonmyt hefloor,hemust
haveremovedit
.

Me: "
Don'tcryLala,mommyi shere"Ipickedhi m up
andplacedhi m onmyshoul der."Doy ouwantt o
takeabat hfir
st?Yourmor ni
ngbr eathisnot
bearabl
e.I'mjokingnana,Godisamazi ng.Imean
youdon'tbrushy ourteet
h,youeat ,andyety oudon't
smell.
"Ilaughedaf t
erreal
izi
ngt hathe'sasleepon
myshoul ders.I
tmusthav ebeenadr eam thatwoke
hi
m up,Idon'
tknow.Ideci
dedt
oputhi
m onhiscot
andwentbacktothebedroom,
khumbul
aniwas
awake.

Me: "
Goodmorni
ng"Imumbl
edandpi
ckedupt
he
sheetst
hatwer
eonthefl
oor
Hi
m:"
Mor
ning,
hav
eyouseenmywat
ch?
"
Me:"
Khumbulaniyoujustwokeup,
andy ou'
reaski
ng
meaboutwatches?Whichoneareyoutalki
ngabout?
Andohdon'
tforgett
hatIonlycamebacklastni
ght"
Him:"Can'
tyoujustwai
tformet
oansweryour
quest
ions?Giv
emeachancey ou'
ll
tal
k,t
her
e's
pl
entyofti
me"
Me:
"Fucky
ou"
Hi
m:"
AreSangoma'
sal
l
owedt
oswear
?"
Me:
"I'
m notasangoma,
butt
hanksf
orr
emi
ndi
ng
me"
Hi
m: "
Ohh,
konj
ewhat
'syourname?Wecall
you
Gogowhat
?"Hewast
ryi
ngbyallmeanst
oirri
tat
e
me
Me:"You'
refr
ustr
ati
ngy
ouknow.Pi
ckupy
our
t
rouserIwanttomaket
hebed"
Hi
m:"
You'
l
ldoi
t.Comel
et'
sgoandbat
h"
Me:
"No,
go.I
'
llbat
haf
tery
ou"
Hi
m:"
I'
ll
helpyou.Andy
oul
ostwei
ghtsoIwantt
o
f
eedy
out oday
"
Me:"
Yuhri
ght"Ishr
uggedandl etgooft
hesheet
s.
Hepull
edmyhandt othebathroom,het
ookanew
br
andedCol
gateteethbrush.

Me:
"Ohht
hanky
ou"
Hi
m:"
It
'smypl
easur
e"her
ubshi
schi
n
Me:
"Wher
e'st
het
oot
hpast
e?"
Him:"Checkont
herightcabi
net"Iopenedi
tand
foundanewherbal
Col gat
e"ShouldIopeni
t?"I
askedwithaney
ebrowr ai
sed
Hi
m:"
Yesy
oucan"
Me:"Letmebr
ushmyt
eet
hbef
orey
oursonwakes
up"
Him:"Al
ri
ght
,then"het
ookthet
oot
hpast
ebef
oreI
coul
dpumpi tonmybrush.
Me:
"Hey
!What
'supwi
thy
ou?
"Ishout
ed
Hi
m:"
Chi
l
l,wi
l
lyou?
"Hesmi
rked
Me:
"Bri
ngitkhumbul
ani,
youdon'
twanttof
ightwi
th
mebecauseIpromi
seitwon'
tendwel
l"
Hi
m:"
Lol
.Whatwi
l
lyoudo?
"Hesmi
rked
Me:
"Khumbul
ani
please"
Hi
m:"
Begagai
n"
Me: "
Fucky ou"Ipul
ledthetoot
hpast
eoutofhis
hands,itwasnotclosed,Imist
akenl
ysquashedi
tal
l
overhisface.
Me:
"Ouch,
I'
m sosor
ry"
Hi
m: "
Lookwhaty
ou'
vedonekhensani
"hewasso
f
rust
rat
ed
Me:"Wellt
hat'
swhaty ougetformessingwithGogo
xi
kumbu,youmi ghtaswelldoaCol gat
emask"I
wentoutofthebathroom l
aughing,
Icouldhearhi
m
mumblingonmyback.
Iwentt omyr oom, aunt
yVel bawasawake.Iqui ckly
wentt othebathroom andgott heshockofmyl ife,I
balancedont hedoorandputmyhandonmychest .
Isthisforme?Mymi ndaskedasIkneel downand
feelthecarpetthathadtiger'
sprint
s.Therewasa
shelfonthecor nerwherethewasashower ,i
twas
empt ybutdarkbr ownincolour.Thewallwasalso
brown.Isatdownandl ookatt hebathr
oom thatwas
changedt omyconsul ti
ngr oom,thewasabat ht ube
thoughandat oil
et

Khumbulani
:"Doy
oulovei
t?"Isnappedoutofmy
thought
sandnodded.
Me:
"Thanky
ouIl
ovei
t"
Khumbulani
:"I
tsnot
hingcompar edt
othegiftt
hat
yougaveme, t
hankyouKhensi.Youchangedmyli
fe,
Aphi
wechangedmyl ife.Youmademer eal
izedmy
mist
akesthankyousomuch"
Me:"
It
'sokay,
Icouldn'
tdepr
iveaphi
wef r
om seei
ng
hi
sdad.I
'm gl
adthatyou'
ret
akingcareofhi
m.And
y
ou'
redoi
ngr
ightbyhi
m"
Khumbul
ani
:"Thanky
ou"
Me:"
Umm letmebat
h,I
'
llgoandmaket
he
br
eakf
ast
"
Khumbul
ani:"
Justgoandbat
h.You'
l
lfi
ndt
he
br
eakf
astforyou"
Me:
"Okay
,doyoumi
ndpi
cki
ngupmybagf
ormeat
t
hecor
ri
dor?
"
Khumbul
ani
:"Cool
"
Me:
"Thanky
ou"

Iwashedmyhai rwi t
hpr ot
einfeedshampooand
alsoi
t'scondi
ti
oner.I'
llhavetobraidi
tbefor
eIgo
forajobhunti
ng, I
'
lldoapr otei
ntreat
mentnext
week,I'
m noti
nt hemoodofdeal i
ngwi t
hmyhair
ri
ghtnow.Itookabr aceletandwor ei
talongwi
th
thebeadsonmywr ist.

Me:
"Goodmor
ning"Igr
eet
edandpul
l
edachai
rto
si
t
Them:
"Mor
ning"
Vel
ba:
"Wher
e'st
hebaby
?"
Me:
"He'
sst
il
lasl
eepaunt
y"
Vel
ba:"
Okay
,Ihadcookedhi
spor
ri
dgehe'
l
leat
whenheget
sup"
Me:
"I'
l
lfeedhi
m"
Vel
ba:
"Ar
eyousur
e?"
Me:
"Yesaunt
y,I
'
llf
eedhi
m"
Mama:"Khensani
whydon'
tyoul
etv
elbat
ofeest
he
baby
?"
Me: "
Mama, Aphi
weismychil
d.Idi
dn'
tgi
vebirt
hto
thatbabyf
orsomeonetofeedhi
m.Excuseme"I
stoodupandwenttowri
tebythebenchout
side

I
nsi
det
hehouse.

Thet
abl
ewasqui
teaf
terkhensani
wentout
side.
Khi
mbukani
'
sdadcl
ear
edhi
sthr
oat

Hi
m:"
Whatwast
hatabout
?"
MamaKhensi:
"Umm shehat
esme.I
'
m sor
ryt
hatI
madeherangr
y"
Khumbul
ani
:"Don'
twor
ryMa,
she'
l
lcomear
ound"
Aunt
yVel
ba:"What
'swr
ongwi
thher
?She'
sbeen
moodyl
atel
y"
Khumbul ani
:"She'l
lbef i
neaunt
y.It
hinkshe'
str
ying
toadjusthersel
f,it
'sbeenawhilesi
nceshehada
breakfastwi
thev eryone"
Mama: "
Igety ou.Ial
sohav
etoapologi
zeforwhat
shewentthrough,itwasmyfaul
t"Guguwaseati
ng
herbr
eakfast.Shewasawfull
yquiet
Aunt
yVel
ba:
"Gugu?What
'swr
ongmybaby
?"
Gugu:
"Isawsi
sAmanda"t
het
abl
ewentdead.
Khi
mbukani
'
sdad:
"what
?Wher
e?Ar
eyousur
e?"
Gugu:
"Iam"
Khi
mbukani
'
sdad:
"Justt
ell
ust
hewhol
edet
ail
s"he
hal
fscr
eamed
Gugu:
"I'
m sor
ry,
Ishoul
dn'
thav
esai
dthi
s"shest
ood
up
MamaKhensi
:"Gugu?Wher
ear
eyougoi
ng"
Gugu:"
Umm.I'
m goi
ngt
ocheckont
hebaby
,"she
sai
drunni
ngout

Fewhour
slat
er

Khensani

Ihadfedthebabyandplacedhi
m onmyback,Ihad
atoweltosuppor
thim.Hishandswereinsi
det
he
towel
,IwenttowhereGuguwaswat chi
ngTV,
khumbulanihadt
oldmewhatshesai dt
hetimeI
wentoutsi
de.

Me:
"Nana?
"Ibr
ushedherhai
r
Gugu:
"Si
s"shepausedwhatshewaspl
ayi
ngand
l
ookatme
Me:
"Ar
eyouokay
?"
Gugu:
shenodded
Me:"You'
l
l t
ellmewhensomethi
ngi
sbot
her
ingy
ou
r
ight
?Sot hatIcanhel
pyou"
Gugu:
"Khensani
,I
'v
edr
eamtofAmanda"
Me:"I
t'
sfine,youdon'thav
etobeangr
yaboutthat
okay
?Ev eryonedreams,eveAphi
wedodreams"
Gugu:
"Real
l
y?"
Me:"
Yes,doyouwantmet
otel
lyouwhatI
'
ve
dr
eamtladyni
ght
?"
Gugu:
"Yes"
Me: "
I'
vedr
eamtofyou,
mamaandIpl
ayi
ngwi
th
sand.Wewereatt
hebeach"
Gugu:
"That
'sagooddr
eam"
Me:
"Yes,
isi
t.Cany
oupl
easet
ell
mey
our
s?"
Gugu:
"Idr
eamtofaunt
yAmandasmi
l
ing.She
wavedatmeandt
oldmet
otakecar
eofy
ouand
Aphi
we"
Me:
"Wi
l
lyout
akecar
eofus?
"
Gugu:
"Sinceaunt
yAmandaaskedmesi
ncer
elyI
t
hinkI
'l
ldoit"
Me:
"Hawu,
Gugu"Il
aughed
Gugu:
"I'
m sor
rybutI
'
m speaki
ngt
het
rut
h"
Me:
"Wahemba(
you'
rel
yi
ng)
"
Gugu: "
Ther
ey ougowit
hyourTsongalanguage"she
turnedandchangedt
hechannel
.Ichuckledand
stoodup

Iwenttokhumbulani
dad'
sroom,Iwantt
otel
lhi
m
aboutGugu'
sdream.Idi
dn'
tknock,
Ibaggedi
n.

Me:
"Hey
, Iaskedgug.
."Ist
oppi
ngonmytr
ackasI
r
eal
i
zedthatIhadseenKhimbukani
'
sdadj
erki
ngof
f.
Him:"
Shit
,getout
"Iqui
ckl
ygotoutandwentto
aphi
we'sr
oom.Mymout hwaswideopen,hi
sthing
wassobi
g!

Tobecont
inued

Pl
easel
i
ke,
shar
e,andcomment
.
HERSTRUGGLE

CHAPTER54

KHENSANI

Thebabyhasal r
eadysleptonmyback.Imet
khumbulanionmywayt olayhim,Ishoul
dhave
knocked,whatIdi
dwasuncal ledfor.I
tshowedthat
Idon'
thavemanner s,howwi l
lIl
ookathimf r
om
nowon?Howwi llheseeme?Ast heunmanner ed
gir
l?

Me:
"Umm.
..
Goi
ngsomewher
e?"Ist
utt
ered.
Hi
m:"
Yes,
youseem l
ost
?Conf
usedwhat
'sup?
"
Me:"Whatdoyoumean?Not
hingI
'
m okay
.Letme
goandlaythebabyt
osl
eep"
Him:"
Notsofastyounglady.Come"hepull
edmy
handt
othebaby'snurser
yroom."Expl
ainwhat
'sup?
Me:
"I'
m ser
iouskhumbul
ani
,I
'm okay
"
Hi
m: "
Whoareyoutr
yingt
ofool
?BecauseIcansee
i
tthr
oughy
oureyesthaty
ou'
rel
ying"
Me:"Okayf
ine.
"Ir
ubbedmyhai
r,t
ryi
ngt
ofi
ndt
he
per
fectwor
dstosay
Hi
m:"
I'
m wai
ti
ng"
Me:"
Umm, Iki
ndawal
kedi
nyourf
atherwhi
l
ehe
wasbusy
"
Hi
m:"
Busywi
thwhat
?"Hesmi
rked
Me:
"Busywi
thumm.
..
"
Hi
m:"Okayy
oumightaswell
putt
hebabydownso
t
haty
oucanexpl
aini
twell
"
Me:
"No,
Isawhi
m busywi
thhi
sthi
ng"
Hi
m: "
Wow,youmeant osayt
hatyouwal
kedonhi
m?
Whi
lehewaspleasur
inghi
mself
?"
Me:
"Yes,
I'
m sor
ryi
twasami
stake"
Hi
m:heputhi
sfi
l
esdown.Andbr
okei
ntoal
aught
er
Me:
"Shutup,
whyar
eyoul
aughi
ng?You'
l
lwaket
he
baby
"
Hi
m: "
Okay,okay"hecont
inuedt
olaugh"
Ican'
thel
p
mysel
fthough"
Me:
"Thi
sissoawkwar
d"
Hi
m:"Whatwer
eyoudoi
nginhisroom?"Helaughed
"
Iact
ual
l
yneedawaterr
ightnow.Ican'
tdeal
"
Me:
"Nxmov eouti
fmyway "Ipushedhim andwent
t
oputthebabyt
osleep.Hewasst i
l
llaughi
ng
"
Weren'
tyougoi
ngsomewher e?
"
Hi
m:"Sot
ell
me,
wasi
tbi
g?"Hehadr
aisedhi
s
ey
ebr
ows
Me:
"Idon'
tknow,
justgoandaskhi
m"
Hi
m:"
BecauseIl
aughed?I
'
m sor
ry"
Me:"
Okay,l
etmetel
lyousincey
ouasked.Yesi
t
wastoobi
gformyli
nking"
Hi
m: "
Biggert
hanmi
ne?
"Hewasnopi
mpl
es
l
aughi
ng
Me:
"Wel
lIdon'
tknow"Il
aughedandwentout
.
Iwasgoingtolookformom,Iwentout
sidet
he
houseandfoundherfeedt
heducks.Mmm already
gett
ingt
oocomf ort
able

Me:"Mma? "Shequi
cklyt
urned,
Imusthav
est
art
led
herbecausesherel
axedwhenshesawme
Her:
"Wher
e'sAphi
we?Ihav
en'
thel
dhi
m si
nceI
ar
ri
ved"
Me:
"He'
sasl
eep,
you'
l
lbat
hhi
m whenhewakesup"
Her
:"Ar
eyousur
e?"
Me:"Mhani ,
umhanami nawena.(
You'
remymother
)
ther
e'snothingIcandotochangethat
,whi
chwhyI
deci
dedt oforgi
veyou"Ismil
ed
Her:"Really
?Thanky ou"shehol dsmyhandsi nto
hers"I'
m sosor rymybaby .I'
m sorryt
hatIkeptqui et
anddi dnotdoany thi
ngtot hatman.I'm sorr
yt hat
youwentsomanypai nsbecauseofme.I '
mt heone
who'satf aulthere,Ishouldhav eprot
ectedyou
againstthewor ld.Ishouldhav ebeenabet t
er
mothert oy ou,whenIwasi njailIr
eal
izedthatI
wasn' ttherefory ouasamot her.Ihadt obeasi ster,
mot her, f
ather,andbr othert
oy ou,mybabygi r
l.It'
s
sowr ongofmet olett hatmanmol estyou,Iact eda
bitl
at e.Thedamagewasal r
eadydoneandf orthat ,
I'
m sosor ry.I
'm wil
lingtodoev eryt
hingf oryouj ust
toallowmei nyourlife.IoweyouandGugual ot,I'
ll
spendt herestofmyl if
edoinggoodbyy ouguy s.I
l
ov ey ousomuch"t earswerest r
eami ngdownher
face.It ookmyhandsof fandwi pedt hem
Me:"I
t'
sokayMa,Imanagedt
oforgi
vetheperson
whorapedme.Sowhynotyou?Iunder
standitwas
har
dforyou.Andyoual
sooweGuguanapol ogy"
Her
:"Iknow,
I'
ll
star
tbyl
ooki
ngf
orapl
acet
ost
ay"
Me:"Ihav
eanidea,
sinceaunt
yVel
baisli
vi
ngwit
h
us,
whydon'ty
ouaskhert ol
ovei
nhershack?
"
Her
:"Thatmi
ghtwor
kthough,
I'
ll
trymyl
uck"
Me:
"Wel
lshooty
ourshot
,It
rusty
ou"
Her:"
Doyout
hinkshecanal
l
owmet
oli
vewi
th
Gugu?"
Me:
"Mamay
ou'
reGugu'
smot
her
,not
hingcan
changethat
.Iknowthatshe'
sherl
egal
guar
dianbut
you'
reherbi
ologi
cal
mot her"
Her
:"Thankyoumychi
l
d,andy
ou?Howar
eyou
hol
dingup?"
Me:Isi
ghed"
I'
ll
befinemama.I
'
llbest
art
ingmy
j
our
neynextweek"
Her
:"Whynotnow?
"
Me:"Iwantt
obondwi t
hthebaby.Ihadconsul
ted
wit
htheancestor
stoall
owmet obondwi t
hhim.
That'
swhyItookofft
hebeadsonmyhai r,
I'
m also
sl
eepingonthebed.
"
Her:"
Isitgoodt
hought
s?Imeany
ouwon'
tangert
he
ancest
ors?"
Me:"Nomama, t
heyapprov
ed.ButnextweekI'
ll
be
sl
eepingonthef
loorf
orthr
eemonths.I'
m not
al
lowedtohavesexoutofwedl
ock"
Her
:"Buty
ou'
renotaVi
rgi
niaany
mor
e"
Me:
"Iknow,
henceI
'
llhav
esexwhenIgetmar
ri
ed"
Her:"
Hecti
c."Shecl
appedherhands"
Iwoul
dn'
t
sur
vivet
his"
Me:
"Buty
ousur
viv
ed1andahal
fyeari
njai
l
"
Her
:"IKnow.Sowhenar
eyougoi
ngt
ost
artwi
tht
he
j
obhunting?
"
Me:"Assoonastomor
row,
todayI
'l
lhav
etogoand
getastampatt
hepoli
cest
ati
on"
Her:
"That'
sgr
eat
,I'
m alsothi
nki
ngofcooki
ng
somethi
ngandsel
litbythetaxi
rank"
Me:"
That
'sagr
eati
deamom.Youcanal
somake
Af
ri
canbeer
"
Her
:"Yes.I
'
llhav
etor
aisemoneyt
obuyt
hest
uff
"
Me:
"I'
l
llendy
ouwhenIgetaphi
we'
sgr
ant
"
Her
:"Cool
,l
etmegoandpacksot
hatIcanl
eav
e"
Me:
"Al
readymama?
"
Her:"
Yes,
mychi
l
d."Shel
aughedandwenti
nsi
det
he
house

Khumbul
ani
.
Iwasont hei nternetsear chi ngpill
sforpeni s
enlargement , Ihadseenanadv erti
sementont he
pornwebsi tes.I '
lltr
yt ogeti tandseei fit'
swor k.
Thishasbeenast ruggl eformesi nceIwasy oung.I
woul dav oidt obat hwi thotherl ear
nersj ustbecause
Iwasembar rassedi fthesi zeofmypeni s,it'
s
frustrati
ngt hatev enacondom doesn' tst aypr et t
y
wel lonthatwasmor el i
keansexanxi ety .Whi chi s
whyIdon' tlikegoi ngt obeachesIf eelext r
emel y
exposed.Myi nsecuritiesaboutmy3. 5inches
erectionaf fectmor et hanj ustmyhy gi
enehabi t
s.
Beingsmal l canbet heheav i
estofbur dens, I
'm
genui nel
yaf r aidofev er yt
hingandev erybodyal ike.I
feelthatIj ustcan' tbeasexual lydesir
abl ewoman
wi t
hmysi ze.I '
l
ldoev er ythinginmypowert o
enlargemypeni s.
Tobecont
inuedm
Pl
ease,
shar
eandcomment

(Goodni
ght
,pl
easenot
ethatIwon'
tbepost
ingev
ery
day)
HERSTRUGGLE

CHAPTER55

KHENSANI
.

Ihadjustbat
hedt hebaby ,f
edhim andputhimto
sl
eep.Itwasraining,soIhadtomakesur ethathe'
s
weari
ngwar m clothes.Ial
sowenttobat handwear
warm clot
hes.Iwentt ohavebreakfastwit
h
ever
yone.

Me:
"Goodmor
ning"
Them:"
Morni
nghowdi
dyousl
eep?
"They
'l
lal
lasked
thesamet
ime"
Me:
"Isl
eptgoodt
hanky
ou"mamahadl
efty
est
erday
wi
thGugu.
Khumbulani
:
"Iwon'
tbeabl
etodr
opy
ou,
Ihav
etobe
atai
rpor
t"
Me:
"Ohh,
I'
ll
takeacab"
Lani
'
sdad:
"Noy
oudon'
thav
eto,
I'
ll
dropy
ou"
Me:
"Ohh,
Ilookdown.I
'
m st
il
lembar
assed"
Lani
'sdad:
"Makei
tqui
ck,I
'
m done.You'
l
lfi
ndmei
n
thecar
"hewipedhi
shandsandstoodup

Ial
sostoppedhalfwayandwenttotakemybag, I
wasgoingt odr
opmaycur ri
cul
um vit
ae(CV)
hopeful
l
yI '
l
lbeluckyandgetacal
l.Ishamef
ull
y
walkedinsi
dethecar

Hi
m:"
Wher
eto?
*
Me:
"Youcandr
opmeatt
own"
Hi
m:"
Ther
e'sl
otoft
ownsher
einGaut
eng"
Me:
"Sor
ryImeanatMi
drand"
Him:
"Okay,aboutt
heotherdayI'
m sor
ryt
haty
ou
hadt
of oundmedoi ngdi
stur
bingl
ythi
ng"
Me:
"No,
youdon'
thav
etoexpl
ainy
our
sel
f.I
'
mthe
onewho'ssupposedt osaysorry,
Ididyouwrong.I
shoul
dhav eknockedinsteadofbargi
ngin
someone'sroom, y
ourroom isyourpri
vacyIshoul
d
haverespect
edy ouandknocked.I'
m sorryi
t
i
mmat ureofmepl easeforgi
veme"
Him:"
I'
m sor
ry,
Ishoul
dn'
thav
edonei
tinsi
det
he
house"
Me:
"Noi
t'
sokay
"
Hi
m:"
Sonomor
eawkwar
dmoment
?"
Me:
"Nomor
eawkwar
dmoment
"
Hi
m:"Cool
,Iwast
hinki
ngofget
ti
ngAphi
weababy
wal
ker"
Me:
"Nopr
obl
em,
plushe'
sgr
owi
ng"
Hi
m:"
Arey
ouf
ull
?Orweshoul
dpassbyMcDonal
d?"
Me:
"I
'mf
ull
thanky
ou"

Hedroppedmeattaxi
ranks,
owasgoingtostartby
t
hemar abast
adshopt
hatwasnear
by.Icatwalked
i
nsi
de
Me:
"Goodmor
ning"
Hi
m: "
Goodmor
ningma'
am,
howar
eyout
his
morning"
Me:"
I'
m goodt
hanky
ou,
Ihav
eapr
obl
em wi
thme
her
e"
Hi
m:"
Okay
,howdoy
ouwantmyhel
p?"
Me:
"I
'ml
ooki
ngf
oraj
ob,
any
thi
ngIcancl
ean.
"
Him:"
Okay,
youcanleav
eyourCVher
e,I
'
llgetmy
part
nert
ocheckit
"
Me:
"Thanky
ousomuch"

Henodded, Ihadabadf eel

ingabouti t
.Helook
uninterest
ed, Istoppedbydi f
ferentof f
ices,
and
compani esalsot hoseretai
lsshopsIst oppedby .
Event houghsomegav emet henegat i
veatti
tude,I
'm
gladthatI'm allowedtowor k.I'
l
l onl
ywor kf
orthis
yearunt i
l,
thennexty earI'
ll
concent rateonmy
call
ing.I'
llst
ar ttoopenbranchesI 'l
ltakealoanf r
om
khumbul aniorhi sdad.
Ther ai
nhadalreadyst
opped,thewasar ai
nbowi
n
thesky,Ihadav er
ymuchterri
bleheadache,I
decidedtostoppedbythetuckshopandgeta
grandpa.

Me:"
Hi,canIpl
easehavegrandpa?
"It
ookR5out
andplacedi
tonthecount
er
Hi
m:"
Roughday
?"
Me:
"Youhav
enoi
dea,
jobhunt
ingi
snotagame"
Hi
m:"
Ohh,
Igety
ou.
"
Me:
"Andtoalsohavet
hedeal
wit
hthose
r
ecept
ioni
statt
it
udes"
Hi
m:"I
'
m al
soinneedofsomeonewhocanhel
pme
ar
oundher
e"
Me:
"Ohh,
Icanwor
kfory
ou"
Him:
"Idon'tt
hinkI
'l
lbeablet
opayy
ou,
youl
ookl
i
ke
someone'swho'seducat
ed"
Me:
"Idon'
thav
emat
ri
c"
Him:"
Sayyoul
i
e?Youl
ookl
i
kesomeonewho'
s
educat
ed"
Me:"
Thanky
ouf
ort
hecompl
ement
,shoul
dIgi
ve
youmyCV?"
Hi
m:"Noyoudon'
thav
eto,
I'
ll
beabl
etopayy
ou
t
housandsr
and."
Me:
"I
t'
sokaybyme.Whatwoul
dIbedoi
ng?
"
Hi
m:"
Cashi
er"
Me:
"I
t'
sokay
.Sowhenwi
l
lIst
art
?"
Hi
m:"
Any
time,
event
oday
"
Me:
"Al
ri
ghtI
'
llcomet
omor
row.TodayI
'
mti
red"
Hi
m:"
Thanky
ou"
Me:
"Don'
tyouhav
eaf
ami
l
ytohi
re?
"
Hi
m:"
No,I
'l
lwoul
dhav
ehi
redaf
ami
l
ymemberl
ong
t
imeago"
Me:
"I
t'
sokay
,letmegetgoi
ng"
Hi
m:"
I'
ll
drawacont
ract
.Comewi
thapen"
Me:
Ilaughed"
Okay
,seey
out
omor
row"
Iwenthomewi thahappyhear t
.I'
m gl
adthatIgota
j
obev enthoughit
'snotapayingjobbuti
t'
sbetter
thatseat
ingathomeanddonot hi
ng.WhenIget
homeIf oundauntyVel
bacleaningthehouse.The
babywaspl ayi
ngonthecarpet

Me:
"HeyAunt
y"
Her:"
Howwasy
ourdaydear
?"Sheunpl
uggedt
he
vacuum
Me:
"I
twasokay
,Igott
hej
ob"
Her
:"
Wel
lcongr
atul
ati
onsar
einor
dert
hen"
Me:
"Yes,l
etmegoandchangeI
'
llcomeandpl
ay
wi
ththeki
ds"
Her
:"
Alr
ight
"

Iwalkedt
omyr oom anddr
oppedthebagonthe
fl
oor,I
'm.
soti
red.It
ookmyphoneandlayonthebed
IknowIsaidt
hatIwouldgobackandplaywi
ththe
chil
dbutI wastoot i
redtoev enl
iftmyf i
nger.I
l
oggedi nFacebookIt ri
edtocat ch-
upwi thFacebook
stor
ies,Iwascur r
entlyr
eadingt heotherstoryin
TwoWong' sinamaun' spage.Itwasgr eat.Igota
noti
ficat
ionthatsomeonet aggedme.I twas
NtokozoIgaspedandqui cklysatup.Ithoughtshe
wasdead?Orshe' shunti
ngme?Ther e'snoot her
wayt ofi
ndoutt hangoingt oherplacer i
ght?

Me:"Aunt
y,Igotanemer gencycall
.I'
l
lcomeback
nownow"Ihadcal l
edacab.I ttookme40mi nut
es
toarri
veatSoweto,Igotoffandwalkedtoherpl
ace.
Iknocked

sheopenedt
hedoor
,shewassur
pri
sedt
oseeme
Nt
okozo:
"Ohh,
soy
oucamet
oki
l
lmei
nper
son?
"
Me:"CanIcomeinplease?"Iwasscar
edt
hatshe
mightkil
lmebutIhadt odothi
sandnotl
eavein
f
ear.I'
mt i
red
Nt
okozo:
"Sur
e,y
oucancomei
n"sheopeneda
spacebet
weenherandt
hedoor
Me:
"Icamei
npeaceNt
okozo,
fir
stl
ywhydi
dyout
ag
me"
Nt
okozo:
"Soy
oucameal
lthewayt
oaskmet
hat
?"
Me:"No"Itookasi
tont
hecouch"
I'
mti
redoft
his
beefbetweenus"
Nt
okozo:
"Youki
l
ledmygr
andmot
her
"
Me:
"Doy
ouhav
eapr
oof
?"
Ntokozo:
"Yes,
you'
reawi
tch,
lookatwhaty
ou'
re
weari
ng"
Me:"I'
m notawhi tchbutasangoma.Lookam so
sorrythatyouhadt oloosey ourgrandmot her
becauseofme.ButIdi dnotkil
lher,y
ou
grandmot herputmei nsomuchpai nNt okozo,l
et'
s
sayitwasy ou?Igeti tyou'
retryi
ngrevengeher
deathbutdon' ty
out hinkyoumayputy ourlif
ein
danger?"
Nt
okozo:
"Whatar
eyout
ryi
ngt
osay
?"
Me:
"I
'm aSangoma,I
'vegotmyancestor
spr
otecti
on
onmysideNtokozo,
youdon'twantt
omesswi t
h
me.
"
Nt
okozo:
"Yout
hinkI
'
m af
rai
dofy
ou?
"Shechuckl
ed
Me: "
Youstil
lhavey
ourl
i
fe,Ialsohavemine.Don'
t
yout hi
nkit
'sti
meyoust
oppl anni
ngtokil
lme?You
don'thavetopokemebecauseI '
l
lcomewithafull
force.I
'l
lki
l
l y
ouinawaythatyouwishedyoudidn'
t
trytokil
lme"
Nt
okozo:
"I
'm notaf
rai
dify
ounana.You'
rej
usta
mateki
dtome"
Me:"
Okay,y
ou'
llcal
lmewheny outhi
nkit
'st
imewe
makepeace.I
'
llbeont
helookout"Iwi
nkedandwent
out
.

Itwasti
meIputst opt
oit
,atfi
rstIwasshockedthat
she'
snotdead.ButIknowthatnothingbadwil
l
happentomeasl ongasIhaveprotecti
onar
ound
me.

Tobecont
inued
HERSTRUGGLE

CHAPTER56

KHENSANI
.

Myf ir
stdayatwor kwasgr eat
,customerslovedme
eventhought herewassomeonet hatrui
nedmyday .
Iwant edtoignorewhathesai dbutIcouldn't,
hegot
met hinki
ngaboutt hejourneythatIwentthrough.
Butatt heandIaskedmy selfwasitworthit?Ispent
sevenmont hsint hemiddleofnowher ewhyal l
ow
someone' snegativeperspecti
ve?There'
snot imeto
gobackwhat '
sdonei sdone.Ican'tkeeponaski ng
my sel
fwhatIdi dwasr ightorwrong.There'
sno
tur
ningback.

Hi
m:"
IseeVusi
hir
edawi
tch,
I'
m notsur
pri
sed"
Me:"HowcanIhel
pyou,
sir
?"Iaskedwi
thacal
m
voi
ce
Him:"Whatmakey out hinkI'
dwantsomet hi
ngfrom
you?Idon'
tassociatewi t
hwi t
ches.I
nfactyou
deservet
obebur nt"forasecondmyhear tstopped
beati
ng.Wil
lIbekill
edf orthat
?
Me: "
Whywoul dyoudothat
?I'
m notawi
tchand
accusingsomeoneofsomethi
ngyoudon'
thavea
proofofisagai
nstt
helaw"
Him: "
Iknowal otaboutpeoplelikeyou,l
ookatwhat
you'
rewearing?You' r
eoneoft hoseprophet
swho
l
iestoourwi ves.Youal l
deser
v etodieDammit"he
shouted,I
'
m act ual
lygladtosaythathedoesn'
t
scareme
Me: "Canyoupleaseexcuseme?Idon'thaveto
explaint
oy ouaboutmycalli
ng"Isai
dtakinga
broom tosweept hef
loor
Him: "
Youwon'tgetawaywi ththis.I
'
llmakesure
thatyousuff
erthatnoonewi llhelpyou"hesai
d
stormingout
.What '
supwi thhim?Idon'tknowhim,
butIwon'tst
ressmy selfaboutsomeonewho
doesn'tr
especthi
sfellowciti
zens
That '
swhathesai d,I'
dcheckwhenIhearnoi se
thi
nkingmay bei twashi m wi
thacrowd.Even
thoughIhadl ockedt heburgl
ardoor.Theownerof
theshopaskedmet ocomeear l
yint hemorningj
ust
toshowmear ound.Iwasgoingtowor kfr
om
Mondayt oFriday ,
asf orhi
m he'
ll
wor konweekends.
I
'llgetal
it
tl
ebi toft i
met ospendwithmychi l
d.

WhenIarri
vedhomeIqui cklypull
edt
hedoorknob,I
wasgoingforagrocer
yshoppi ngwit
hkhumbulani
andthebaby,i
twasmor eliketaki
ngAphi
wef ora
fr
eshair
.It
'sbeenawhilesincehewentout.

Me:"
Goodaf t
ernoon"itwasaround17:
30.That
'st
he
t
imethatIknockedofffrom wor
k
Khumbul
ani
:"Goandf
reshenupi
tisal
readyl
ate"
Me: "
Alr
ight
,butl
etmef i
rstkissmybaby"Ipi
cked
himtomyar ms.Ihadalreadydroppedt
hebagon
thecouch"Heybaby,Mommymi ssedyou"he
giggl
edandclappedhishands
Khumbul
ani
:"Hewascr
yingt
hewhol
eday
".
Me:"Maybesomet
hingI
swr
ongwi
thhi
m?Buthe'
s
notbur
ningup"
Khumbul
ani
:"May
behe'
steet
hing"
Me: "
Wellmay
be,buthealr
eadyhastwoteet
h.And
thatmakeshi
m cut
er"Igi
ggledwhi
lepl
ayi
ngwith
hischeek
Khumbul
ani
:"I
t'
sget
ti
ngl
ate,
goKhensani
".
Me:"OkayI'
m goingy hoo"Igavehimt hebabyand
wenttobath.Ioptedoutf orapl
ainpinkdressand
t
ookar edsangoma' sclothandtieditonmyhead.It
f
itperf
ectl
yonmyhai rthathadturnedint
odreads.

Itookmyphoneandthediaperbag,Ihadplacedhi
s
twodiaper
s,wi
pes,
Vasel
ine,andoutfitj
ustincase
hemessesuptheone8he'swearing.

Me:
"I'
mreadywecango"
Hi
m:"
Youl
ookgood"hesmi
rked
Me:
"Thanky
ou,
Itr
ied"
Hi
m:"
Okayt
henl
et'
sgo"
Me:"
Amomentplease"Iwentt
otakeanappl
e,I
want
edsomet
hingtokeepmebusywhilehedr
ives

Wedrovet
othemal
lofAf
ri
ca,
itwasn'
tthatcr
owded
si
ncei
twaslat
e.

Hi
m:"
Wher
edoy
ouwantust
ost
artf
rom?
"
Me:"Iwanttogetsomet hi
ngf ort
hebaby,l
et'
sgoto
Woolworths"rememberthemoneyt hatIhaddugup
underthetoi
let?Iwassurpri
sedwhenIfounditi
n
myschool bag,itwasst
ill
thesamewayIhadl ef
tit
.
Me:
"I'
m st
il
lsur
pri
sedt
hatnoonet
ookmyphone"
Hi
m: "Amandamadesur et
hatnobodytouchyour
t
hings,shewantedyoutof
indyourt
hingsthesame
wayyouhadleftthen"
Me:
"I'
m gl
ad,
shewasagr
eatwoman"
Hi
m:"
Event
houghshewasst
ubbor
n.Butshewasa
gr
eatwoman"
Me:"
Andshewasy oung,
shecouldhavewait
edf
or
Aphi
weandherchil
drent
oatleastgr
owup,"het
old
meaboutThandi
andThando"
Him:"Fat
edeci
ded,
khensani
.Youcan'
tdodge
deat
h"
Me:
"Iknowhey
,let
'sst
opt
alki
ngaboutt
hedead"
Him:"
You'
reright
,dadgavemesomecasht obuya
babywal
ker"hestoppedpushi
ngthepr
am str
oll
er
andopenhi
swal l
etandtookoutt
hreeR200notes.
Me:
"Isn'
tababywal
kerR200atShopr
it
e?"
Him:"
Let'
sgot
ocl
i
cksmay
bewewi
l
lfi
nd
somethi
ng"
Me:
"Nolet'
sfi
rstpassbyWool
i
es,
Iwantt
ogethi
m
f
ewjeansandshorts"
Hi
m:"
Okay
"

Iwassohappy,
there'
snothi
ngthatmakesaparent
happyt
hantobuythingsonyourown,
withyourown
money.Imanagedt
oboughtf
ewj
eansal
ongwi
tht
-
shi
rt
s.

Me:
"Wecannowgot
ocl
i
cks"
Hi
m:"
Don'
tyouwantt
obuysomet
hingf
ory
our
sel
f?"
Me:
"Iwantt
otr
ymakeup.I
'
llchecksi
gnat
ure"
Hi
m:"
Why
?Il
ovet
hewayy
oul
ook"
Me:"
Thankyou,butIwanttot
rysomet
imesnew.
Youcannotj
udgemef ort
hat"
Him:"I
'
m notj
udgi
ngyouKhensi
,butdon'
tyout
hink
youshoul
dstar
tsavi
ngsomemoney "
Me:"Pl
easecanIspendmymoneywi thoutbei
ng
j
udged?I'
vebeenthr
oughalotIdeser
veal i
tt
le
br
eakandallt
hespoil
ingIcangetandit'
snotli
keI
domindspendingmoneyonmy sel
f"
Hi
m:"
Geezcal
m down"
Me:"
I'
m cal
m.Somet
imesy
ouneedt
othi
nkbef
ore
yout
alk"
Hi
m:"
I'
m sor
ry,
babyboyt
ell
Mommyt
hatDaddyi
s
sor
ry"
Me:"
Don'tt
ryt
opoi
sonmychi
l
d,andy
ou'
renot
f
orgi
ven"
Him:"Okaythen,let
'sgo.You'
ll
sul
kontheway
,"he
sai
dlaughing,Ishothim adeat
hstar
e"I
'
mjoki
ng"
Me: "
OhhwellIdidn'
tcatcht
hejoke,yourj
okesare
solame.Nexttimepullupyoursocks,l
et'
sgo"Isai
d
gr
abbingtheplasti
cofthebaby'
sclothes.

Wewentt odiffer
entshops, Ihadal soboughta
make-upkitthatcostedf ort
une.Wemanagedt oget
thebabywalker,i
twasaj oov ybr and,itdidn'
tcost
thatmuch.Heaskedmet oor derforhim whilehe
goesandputt heplasticsint heboot .Wewer eat
wimpy ,
that
'smyf avoriterestaur ant,
Nt okozo
i
ntroducedmet oit.Itookamenuandor derforhi
m
andI.Weat ewhileconv ersi
ngt hereandt here.

Me:
"I'
m cr
avi
ngf
ori
cecr
eam"
Hi
m:"
Ohh,
ther
e'sapl
acet
hatt
heysel
lthebesti
ce
cr
eams"
Me:
"Real
l
y?Canwepl
easegot
her
e?"
Hi
m:"
Cool
,Ial
sopackedabasketofpi
cni
c"
Me:
"That
'sgr
eat
,buti
t'
sal
readyl
ate"i
twassev
en
Hi
m:"
Wel
lwecanst
il
ldoi
t.Undert
hest
ars"
Me:
"Okayl
et'
sgo"
Hi
m: "Iknowyou'r
esoeagertosuckt
hei
cecr
eam
al
readybutfi
nishyourmeal
".
Me: "
I'
mful
l"I
'v
ebeencravi
ngforanicecream si
nce
Icameback,butIhadababyandafamilytobond
with
Hi
m:"
Letmeset
tl
ethebi
l
l,t
henwewi
l
lgo"
Me:
"Okay
"

Hepaid,Ipushedthebabyout
.Iwaswalkingf
ast.I
tookhi
m outofhispram st
rol
l
erandoutitatt
he
backoftheseat.Ipl
acedhi
mi nsi
dehi
scarseat.
Whenwear r
ivedIor
der
edvani
ll
aicecr
eam di
pped
i
nchocol
ate.Healsoor
der
edthesameasmi ne

Me:
"Iseey
ou'
ret
ryi
ngt
obeme"
Hi
m:"
No,
Ilov
evani
l
la"
Me:
"Ohhr
eal
l
y?Si
ncewhenMr
.?
Hi
m: "
DoIhav
etoexpl
ainmy
sel
ftoy
ou?
"He
f
rowned
Me:
"Yes,
youhav
eto"
Hi
m:"
Umm.
..Si
nce.
.itwasum"
Me:"Justkeepqui
etbecauseIcanseeal
i
ecomi
ng
outofyourmouth"
Hi
m:"
Okayf
ine,
Icopi
edhappy
"
Me:"Take5nana.Hefinal
lyagr
eedt
hathecopi
ed"I
sai
dpulli
nghi
stinyf
ingers

_
___
___
___
___
___
__
Wehadar ri
vedatt hepark,theblanketwaspl aced
onthegr ass.Withsnacksont opandanon- alcohol
ic
wine,
itwasf ormeIassumebecauset herewer e
twobottlesofHei nekenbeer .Thebabywasmaki ng
amess, hecoul dnowsi tonhi sownwi thout
somethingt obalancehim.He' salreadystar
tingto
crawl
,thewayhr ssoact i
vey ou'dswearthathe's10
months.Wel aydownandl ookedupt hestars,i
twas
abeautif
ul vi
ew

Me:"I
'
m wil
l
ingtoforgetaboutwhaty
oudidtome
Khumbul
ani.Ipr
omisetonotremindyouabouti
t"
Khumbulani
:"Reall
y?Don'tsayy
ou'r
ewill
ingto
for
getbecauseIknowt hatyouwon'
t.Butyoucan
buryi
tdeepwithin"
Me:"Yest
hat
,butIwanty
out
opr
omi
set
onotdoi
t
agai
n"
Khumbul
ani
:"Iwon'
t.Itwasami
staket
hatI
'
m not
pr
epar
edtodoitagain"
Me:"Norapi
ngsomeoneit'
snotamist
akebuta
choi
ce,Iadmi
reyourcour
age.Youmanagedt
olov
e
y
ourchi
ldandaskedforfor
giv
eness.I
'
mfor
giv
ing
y
oubecauseIsawthesideofyou"
Khumbulani:
"I'
m sosorr
yforfor
cingy
outof
orgi
ve
me,"hesaidlocki
nghishandswit
hmine
Me:
"It
'sokay
"
Khumbul ani
:"Ilovey ou,
"hesai
dashel ockedhis
l
ipswithmi ne,hislefthandr
ubbedmycheek.If el
t
somethingmov einmyst omacharethose
butt
erf
li
es?Ipul ledoutandlookedatAphiwewho
wasbusywi t
hapacketofbi scui
ts.Hewast ry
ingto
fi
ndawayt oopent hem

Tobecont
inued

Pl
easel
i
ke,
shar
e,andcomment

350comment
sforabonusi
nser
tIpr
omi
se.
HERSTRUGGLE

CHAPTER57

KHENSANI
.

Fewday
slat
er

Thingshavebeengoodforme.TodaywasAphiwe'
s
check-upday
.Iwenttobathhim andal
sobat
he,I
wasalreadyl
atetohavebreakf
ast

Khumbulani
:"Eatsomethi
ngKhensani
.Youknow
howlongthosequesare"
Me:
"I'
m al
readyl
ateKhumbul
ani
"
Hi
m:"Sti
ll
,hav
esomethi
ngtoeat
,Ican'
tal
l
owy
out
o
t
akehim onanempt
ystomach"
Me:
"Fi
ne,
butknowt
haty
ou'
redr
ivi
ngmet
her
e"
Hi
m:"
Nopr
obl
em Hun.
"Hesai
dwi
nki
ng

Itookaseatnextt
ohim andat e.Aftereat
ingIwent
upstai
rsandtookhi
sdiaperbagwi t
ht wopacket
s
ofpuri
tysqueezej
ustsomethingf orhimtosnack
with.

Me:
"let
'sgoI
'
m done"
Him:"Al
ri
ght
,let
'sgo.Dad,
I'
ll
seey
ouwhenIcome
back"
Smanga(hi
sdad'
sname)
:"dr
ivesaf
e,y
ou'
ret
heonl
y
sonIhav
e"
Hi
m:"
Ofcour
se"

Wehadgonet oapubli
cclini
c,t
hequewasindeed
l
ongt hatIendr egr
eti
ngwhyIcameher einthef
ir
st
place.Ishouldhavewenttohisdoct
orbutmy
atti
tudecouldn'tl
etme.Itwashist
urn,hewas
checked,alsohisweightwasmeasured.Aft
erwe
wentt oMcDonal dtoeat.
Me:"Cany
oupleasedr
opmeatmymot
her
'shouse?
I
'l
lcomebackonmyown"
Hi
m:"
Icancomef
ory
ou,
Idon'
tmi
ndatal
l
"
Me:"
Noy oudon'
thav
et owast
eyourpet
rol
.I'
l
ltake
at
axiit
'snotabi
gdeal"
Hi
m:"
Wil
lyoumanagewi
tht
hebaby
?"
Me:
"Ofcour
seIwi
l
l"
Hi
m:"
Okayt
hen,
whenwi
l
lyoucomeback?
"
Me:"
Iwasthi
nki
ngmay betomor
row,
butIdon'
thav
e
mycl
othesandt
oil
etr
ies"
Him:"
Okay,
Ithi
nky oucoul
ddowithf
reshai
r.We
cangoandgetyourthi
ngsathome"
Me:
"Al
ri
ghtt
hanky
ou"

Hesmi
l
ed,
hedr
ovebackt
othehouse.

Vel
ba:
"I'
m baki
ngdon'
tyouwantt
ohel
pme?
"
Me:
"Noaunt
y,I
'
minmywayt
oTembi
sa"
Vel
ba:
"Whataboutwor
k?"
Me:
"it
'sFr
idayt
oday
,Idon'
twor
ktomor
row"
Vel
ba:"Okay
,soyouandKhumbu.What'
sgoingon?
"
Sheaskedasshetookasi
tonthebar
stool
Me:"
Idon'
tknowaunt
y,Idon'
thav
efeel
i
ngsf
or
hi
m."
Vel
ba:
"Sot
heki
ssdi
dn'
tmeanany
thi
ngt
oyou?
"
Me: "
Idon'tknowwhat'sgoingonwi
thme,If
elt
somethinginmyst omachthedayweki
ssed.But
todayIhavediff
erentf
eeli
ngs"
Vel
ba:
"Justf
oll
owy
ourhear
t,myl
ove"
Me: "
Iunderstandaunty,butIki
ndaledhim on,he
thi
nksIwanthi m butIdon'tl
ovehi
m.YesIl ovehim
asthef at
herofmysonbutIdon' tthinkt
hatIcanget
i
nar elati
onshipwit
hhim"
Vel
ba:
"what
'sst
oppi
ngy
ou?
"
Me:"l
et'
snotforgetthatmanrapedme.What
exampleam Isett
ingtothef
ell
owwomenoutt her
e?
Iknowthere'sachil
dinvol
vedbutwewill
compromise.Ifhewantsmet oleavehi
shouseI'
l
l
gladl
ydothatbuttobei narel
ati
onshi
pwithhi
m, i
s
somethi
ngt hatIdon'
tthi
nkI'
ll
do"
Velba:
"Mychi l
d,justsi
tdownwit
hhim.Tellhi
mt he
tr
uthandstopl eadinghi
m on,
andlast
lyknowthat
youcannotleavey ourl
if
etopl
easesomeone".
Me:
"Iknowaunt
y,butI
'
m nott
hatdesper
ate,
Iknow
myworth.
Vel
ba:
"Iheary
ou,
thanky
ouf
oropeni
ngupt
ome"
Me:
"I'
m gl
ady
ouof
fer
edanear
"
Vel
ba:
"SoIassumehe'
stheonedri
vi
ngyouto
Tembi
sari
ght?Thi
sisy
ourchancet
otel
lhi
m"
Me:
"Ohhhokay
,letmegoandpack"
Vel
ba:"
Letmecont
inuewi
ththebaki
ng,
I'
mtr
yingt
o
pl
easethemanoft
hehouse"
Me:
"Ohhl
etmel
eav
eyout
oit
"
Vel
ba:
"By
eNana"
Shelaughed,Ial
solaughedandwentt opackmy
clot
hes.Itwastwoout f
it
sandt i
gerpri
ntedcl
oth,
j
ustforincasewhenmyi dl
ozi
decidestowakeup.I
tookapacketofthebaby'spampersandhisbagof
clot
hes.

Me:
"Wecango"
Hi
m:"
Hav
eyoupackedev
ery
thi
ng?
"
Me:
"Idi
d"
Hi
m:"
Okay
"hest
art
edt
heengi
ne

Thedriv
etoTembi sawassi
l
entwithAphiwemaki
ng
hisbabysounds.Whenwearri
vedIaskedhi
mto
tal
k.

Me:
"Canwepl
easet
alki
fyou'
renoti
nahur
ry?
"
Hi
m:"
NoI
'
m not
,youcant
alk"
Me:"
Okay.Lookkhumbul
ani
Igety
ouwher
eyouar
e
comi
ngfr
om. .
"
Hi
m:"
Isenseabut
"
Me:"Yes,t
hisnotsomet
hingeasytosaybutI.
..I
don'
tthi
nkIcanbei nar
elat
ionshi
pwithyou"
Hi
m:"Whatdoy
oumeankhensani
?It
houghty
ou
l
oveme?"
Me:"
No,Imeany
es.I
t'
sjustt
hatIdon'
tthi
nkwecan
beacoupl
e"
Hi
m:"
isi
tbecauseofmy
..
."Hest
oppedhal
fway
Me:
"Becauseofy
ourwhat
?"
Hi
m:"
My.
.smal
lumm peni
s?"Hel
ookeddown
Me:"
Whatno, khumbul
ani
.Whatmakesy outhi
nk
t
hatIdon'twanttobei
nar el
ati
onshi
pbecauseof
t
hesizeofyourpeni
s?"
Hi
m:"
Idon'
tknowkhensani
"
Me: "
Noi t'
snotbecauseoft hat.Idon'tthi
nkwecan
becoupl e,
IloveyouasAphi we'sdad.Andpl ease
knowt hatyoursmal l
penisbroughtl i
feinthewor l
d,
you'
reaf atherbecauseofit.Don'tenlargeit
becauseofpr essurekhumbul aniyou'r
euniquei n
yourownway .Godhasr easonsf orthat.Whywant
t
or ui
nhispl
ansbecausei fpressur
e?I '
mt hegirl
for
you,It
hankyouforgiv
ingmet hepreciousgif
t,andi
f
youwantmet oleav
ey ourhouseI '
l
lleave.Idon't
wanttomakey ouuncomf ort
able"
Hi
m:"No,youdon'thaveto.Iunderst
andIonce
mol
estedyou.I
t'
shar dtofal
linlov
ewi t
hsomeone
whorui
nedyourli
fe.I'
m sorr
y"
Me: "
It
s,okay
.I'
m gl
adt
haty
ouunder
standwher
e
I
'm comingfr
om"
Hi
m:"
Sof
ri
ends?
"
Me:"
yesf
ri
ends"Igi
ggl
edandl
ockedmyhandwi
th
hi
s
Him:"
I'
ll
seey
ou"heki
ssedAphi
we'
sfor
ehead."
By
champ"
Me:
"By
e,seey
out
omor
roworonSunday
"
Hi
m:"
Enj
oy"

Igotoutoft
hecar.Gugusawusandqui
ckl
yrant
o
hel
pmewi ththebags
Me:
"Li
tt
lesi
s.Howar
eyoudoi
ngmyl
i
ttl
esi
ster
?"
Her
:"I
'
m okaysi
s,i
t'
sbeenawhi
l
esi
nceIsawy
ou"
Me:
"It
'sonl
ytwomont
hsGugu"Il
aughed
Her
:"Butst
il
l,
youpr
omi
sedt
ovi
sit
"
Me:"
Iwaswai
ti
ngf
ort
hebabyt
ocr
awl
andst
andon
hi
sown"
Her
:"Canhest
and?
'
Me:
"yes,
he'
sbi
g"
Her
:"Ican'
twai
ttopl
aywi
thhi
m"
Me:
"heal
socan'
twai
ttopl
aywi
thhi
sgodmot
her
s"
Her
:"I
'
m hi
sgodmot
her
?"
Me:
"Ofcour
sey
ouar
e"
Her
:"I
'
m sohappy
"
Me:
"Wher
e'smama?
"
Her
:"shewentt
owor
k"
Me:
"Mamawor
k?Sayy
oul
i
e.Si
ncewhen"
Her:
"she'
sworki
ngatsomer
etai
lshop,
shesew
bear
dsforthem"
Me:
"Ohh,
I'
m happyf
ort
hat
"
Her
:"Comel
et'
sgoi
nsi
de.Ar
eyouhungr
y"
Me:
"Ni
"Il
aughed"
Butt
hanky
ou"
Her:"
Auntyvel
bat
oldmet
onev
erl
etaguestgo
wit
houteati
ng"
Me:
"Shet
aughty
ouwel
l
"
Her
:"Shet
hebest
,ev
enMamashe'
str
ying"
Me:
"Yes,
let
'smeetherhal
fwayNana"

Wewenti nsidet
hehouse, Ii
mmedi atelywashedthe
plat
eswhi l
ethebabyplayswi t
hGugu.Ial sodeci
ded
tocookpapandwor st hencleanedthehouse.
Everyt
hingwasdirt
y,Iunderstandshe'sbusythese
days.Shedoesn'thavethetimet odoal l
thehouse
chores.

Tobecont
inued
HERSTRUGGLE

FI
NALE

CHAPTER58

KHENSANI

Whenmamacamebackshefoundmebusywashi
ng
t
heduvet
s,Iwasgoi
ngt
owashthecur
tai
nsaf
ter
t
hat.

Her
:"Mychi
l
d,y
oudeci
dedt
ocheckonust
oday
"?
Me:"Yesmama.Ev
ent
houghIf
oundt
hehouse
messy"
Her:
"I'
m sor
ryaboutt
hatNana,
wor
kiskeepi
ngme
busy"
Me:
"Iunder
stand,
I'
m gl
adt
haty
ou'
l
lbeabl
etobuy
t
hingsf
ory
our
sel
f"
Her
:"I
'
m gladmychi
l
d.Youcanst
opgi
vi
ngme
moneyfr
om nowon"
Me:"
Ohh,soyoudidn'
ttel
lmebecausey
out
houghtI
wasgoi
ngtostop?
"
Her:
" NoIwasgoi
ngtosurpri
seyoumont
h-end.I
di
dn'twantyout
ofindoutl
ikethi
s"
Me: "
Okay,somamaIwast
hinki
ngofopeni
nga
spazashop"
Her
:"Wher
e?"
Me:
"her
e.ButI
'
llhav
etoconsul
tbef
oredoi
ngt
hat
"
Her
:"Imeanwher
e?Doy
ouhav
elandal
ready
?"
Me:
"No,
buty
oudo.Nextdoor
"
Her
:"Nokhensani
Idon'
twantt
ofi
ght
"
Me:"Nomama.Youain'
tfi
ght
ingwi
thany
oneher
e.
That
'syourshack"
Her
:"mi
nebur
ntdownmychi
l
dren"
Me:
"Idon'
tcar
e,butt
hat
'sy
oury
ard"
Her
:"Nol
eav
eit
."
Me:"
Forwhat?I
nf act
,I'
m goi
ngther
enow.Iwantt
o
l
ett
hem knowthatI'
m comingback"
Her
:"Whyar
eyousost
ubbor
n?"
Me:"
I'
m notst
ubbor
nmama,
thatwomangot
mi
ll
i
ons"
Her:
"I'
m sur
eshehasnot
hingonhernamer
ight
now"
Me:"Idon'tcar
e,y
ouboughtt hatshackwi
thy
our
har
d-earnedmoney .That
'sourhome"
Her:"
Dowhatmakesyouhappymychi
l
d,buti
fbe
happyify
oul
ett
hem be"
Me:"I
'm sor
rybutIwantmyhomeback,
"Isai
d
r
insi
ngtheduvetsandpourst
a-sof
t.

_
___
___
___
___
___
___
___

5mont
hsl
ater
Khumbul ani nev erbotheredwithaskingmeout ,he
accept edt hatIdon' tlovehim.Idon'tseeaf ut
ure
withhim ev ent houghi tgetsawkwar dwhenwe' re
aloneint hehouse, withAphiweI'dkeepmyat tenti
on
tohim.Ihadmanagedt obuil
dacashandcar ry
shopatMi drand.I '
m sohappyf orwhatI '
vearchiv
ed
i
nt hisshor tspaceoft i
me.Theancest orswerewi th
mei nt hej our neythatItook,nothingcrumbled
everythingwentwel l.Todaywast heshopopeni ng
day.Iwasnowst ayongwi t
hmama, auntyVelbawas
neglectedbyMrsmanga.Butshecont inuedworking
forhim.Hi sr easonwast hathe'
sst i
llmarri
edtohis
deadwi fe.Hect i
c!

Mama:
"We'
rel
atekhensani
hur
ry"
Me:"Mama,
Isti
llhavetowearmydress.I
t'
sokay
youcangoI
'
llf
indy ouguy
sThere"
Mama:
"Shoul
dIt
aket
hebabywi
th?
"
Me:
"yes,
hisshoesar
eont
opoft
hebed"
Mama:"Okay
,boycomel
et'
sgo"shet
ri
edt
opi
ck
hi
m upbutherant
ome
Hi
m:"
Mama.Mama"hecr
iedout
Me:
"it
'sokaymama,
I'
ll
comewi
thhi
m"
Mama:
"okay
,hur
rykhensani
"
Me: "
I'
mt ryi
ngmama. "Ihadappl iedmakeup, what
wasleftformewast owearmydr essandhill
s.I
'
m
sogratefultokhumbulaniforlendingmeR100000.I
wouldn'thavedoneitwithouthishel p,t
heshopwas
bigtoaccommodat ethewholet hings.Vusihel
ped
mewi thconnectionsofpeoplewhobui lthi
sshop,
theywer echeap.Healsogav emet hecontactwher
e
hebuy shisstock.

Iworemydr esswi t
hawhi tebl ockheels,i
twasj ust
aplai
nblacksilkydress.Wi t
hsangomacl ot honmy
head.Ihadti
edi tsowellthatpeopl ethoughti twas
adoek.Icoveredmyshoul derswi t
hbluecl othes
andburnimphephoaski ngf orguidanceandal sofor
theancest
orstol i
ghtmyday .AfterIsprayedt he
perf
umeanddr ovetowher etheev entwasgoi ngto
t
akepl
ace.

WhenIarri
vedattheeventIwenttositbytheVIP
sect
ionnextt
omom.Peopl ewentt oexchange
wordssayi
ngthi
ngs,i
twasmyt ur
n.

Me: "
Goodmor ni
ng,Idon'tknowwher et ostar
t.But
todayI'
m happy ,
I'
mf inal
lystartingtoseewhatGod
hadstoredf orme, myupbr i
ngingwasn' tthesame
withmostofy ou,Istruggledal otinmyl i
fe.ButGod
neverforsakeme.I '
m. sti
lkstandi ngbecauseifhim,
andlastl
y ,
Iwoul dn'
thav edonet hiswit
houtmyson.
He'stheper sonwhomadedoal loft
his,umm
creat
ingthislegacyforhi m."Idi dn'
twantt osayalot
ofthi
ngs.Iwentt ositdown

Mamawentt otal
k,event
houghshewasnotonthe
progr
am butshei
nsist
edthatshewant
stosaya
fewwords
Her :"
I'm ahorri
blemot her "isshet r
yingt oruinmy
event?BecauseIknowwhat ev ershe' saboutt osay
willmaket hebothofuscr y"Mydaught erI
'm sorr
yI
wasn' tthereforyou.Iwon' tst opaski ngf or
forgivenessunt i
lIdie,I'
mt heonewhowas
supposedt ohav eprotect edy oubutIf ai l
ed.Ishould
hav elookedaf t
ery ou.Ibl amemy selff oreverythi
ng
youwentt hrough,it'
smyf aultIwasn' tt hebestmom
toy ouandGugul ethu.Iwasbl indedbyt hatman.I '
m
sorrymychi l
dren"shet ookt heMi keandgav ei tt
o
MC.Idi dn'
tcry,butmyt ear swer eont hev ergeof
comi ngout .Messagenot ifi
cationdi sturbedme.I t
wasamessagef rom nt okozo, shest i
llhasmy
number s?Irespondedwi t
hwher e?Shesentt he
detail
s, I'
l
lmeethert omor row.TodayIwantt oenjoy
mydayl i
keI'
venev erenj oy edbef ore.Iwantt oget
drunk, Iwanttobeadr unkar d, Iwantt oembr acethe
alcohol withi
n!Justf ort odayonl y.
Tobecont
inued

Pl
ease,
li
keshar
eandcomment
HERSTRUGGLE

FI
NALE

CHAPTER59.

Khensani

Youknowi t'
struewhent heysayt hatyounev er
knowwhatf utureholdsforyou,Inevert houghtI'
d
ownashopi nmyl i
fe.Iwasalway sthatgi r
lwho
alway sdreamtofbecomi ngapolice,nurseora
teacher.Iwantedt obesomet hinginacommuni t
y,I
want edtohelpt heCommuni t
yinsomanyway s.But
most lyIwantedt obeat eacher,t
here'snodoct or
withoutat eacher.Doctorsandaccount antsareall
groomedbyt eachers.
Iwokeupandwentt otakeabat h.SinceIhadfew
minutesl
eftf
ormeIwentt owaket hebaby.Ihate
l
eavinghi
m withoutbat
hing,Idon'
twantt oleav
e
auntyVel
bawi thloadsofwor k,I'
m sti
ll
shockedthat
khumbulanididn'
tkickmeoutofhi sfat
her'
shouse.
Heactuall
ybeggedmenott oleave,heusedthecard
thathewantt obeclosert ohi
sson, hi
snotwr ong
thoughI'
dhatet oseemychi l
dgrowingupwi t
hout
hisbothparentsevent houghwe'renotin
rel
ati
onshipbuthe'l
l underst
andoncehegr owup.

Me:"
Goodmorning"Igr
eetedkhumbul
ani
,hewas
awakebusyonhisphone.
Hi
m:"
Hey
,busi
nesswoman"
Me:"
Stopsay
ingt
hat
.You'
vebeensay
ingi
tsi
nce
l
astnight
"
Hi
m:"
I'
m sopr
oudofy
ou"
Me:
"Thankyou,
I'
m gl
adt
hatI
'
mfi
nal
l
yseei
ngwher
e
myl
ifeisgoi
ng"
Hi
m:"
Ihopeonedayy
ouopent
hebi
ggestshopi
n
Li
mpopo"
Me:"
Lol,t
hebiggestri
ght
?Butoncethebusi
ness
st
artboomingI'
llbui
l
danotheroneatTembi
sa"
Hi
m:"
That
'sgoodt
oo"
Me:
"Yes,
doy oumindwatchi
ngt
hebaby
?Iwantt
o
goandprepar
ehissoup"
Hi
m:"NoIdon'
t"heshookhi
shead.Ipl
acedAphi
we
ont
opofthebed
Me:
"I
'm comi
ngbabyboy
"Ibl
ewaki
ssandsmi
l
ed.

Itwasi
nstantsoup,whi
chmeantIonlyneededt
o
boil
waterandmi xi
twell
.Af
tersti
rr
ingIt
ookhis
spoonandwentt okhumbul
ani'
sroom.

Me:
"Shoul
dIf
eedhi
m or
?"
Khumbul
ani
:
"I'
l
ldoi
t,Idon'
twanty
out
obel
ate"
Me:"Al
ri
ght
,letmego.I
'
llseey
ouguy
swhenIcome
back"
Khumbul
ani
:
"Al
ri
ght
"

Todayhedi
dn'
tcr
ywhenIl
eft
.I'
mimpr
essedhe'
s
growi
ngup,Iact
uall
yhateitwhenhecri
es,
itbreaks
myheart
.IalsowishthatIdonotl
eav
ehim butI
havet
owork.

Thecabdi dn'tt
akelong, whenIar ri
vedatwor kI
wenttomyof fi
ceandcheckedt hepeopl e'
sCV, Ihad
madesur ethatmymom get saj obher e.She'sinthe
cl
eaningdepar t
ment, she'
st heirsupervisor.Shewas
sohappywhenIaskedhert ocomeandwor kforme.
Sheev encried,
shecoul dn'tbeli
eveit.Guguwasso
proudofme.Idi dn'
tst aythatlongint heof fi
ce,I
wenttomeetwi t
hNt okozoatt hepar k.Ihadasked
hertomeetmeatt hepubl icplacejusti ncaseshe
wanttohur tme

Me:
"Hi
,howar
eyoudoi
ng"
Her
:"
despit
ethatImissmyol
dwomanI
'
m good"I
won'
theartheendofit
Me:
"Somet
imesy
ouneedt
oleti
tgoi
nor
dert
oheal
"
Her
:"
it
'snott
hateasy
,I'
mli
vi
ngi
nherhouse.
Ev
ery
thi
ngr
emi
ndsmeofher
"
Me:
"Whydon'
tyour
entar
oom?
"
Her
:"Don'
tactasi
fyou'
rei
nter
est
edi
nmyl
i
fe.You'
re
not
"
Me:"I
'
m sor
ry,
any
waywhatdoy
ouwantt
otal
k
about"
Her
:"
I'
m wi
l
li
ngt
oletgooft
heangert
hatIhad"
Me:
"Whatdoy
oumean?el
abor
ate.
"
Her
:"It
houghtabouti
t,Idon'
twantt
ofi
ghtany
mor
e.
I
'mleavi
ngtheil
legal
wor k"
Me:
"I
'm gl
ad"
Her:
"Yesthat'
swhatIwantedt
osay
.You'
vebeen
t
rendingsinceyest
erday
"
Me:
"Iknow"
Her
:"
Wel
l
,congr
atul
ati
onsar
einor
der
."
Me:
"Thanky
ou.Buti
t'
sli
key
ou'
repr
etendi
ng"
Her
:"
we'r
enotfri
endskhensani
.Youcan'
texpectme
t
osmilefr
om eartoanear"
Me:
"Ohh,
letmegot
hen"
Her
:"
Don'
tyouwantt
ogr
absomet
hingt
oeat
?"
Me:"
No,Iat
eathome"Iwasly
ing.I
'
m def
ini
tel
y
goi
ngtopassbyKFCaft
erher
e
Her
:"
Arey
ousur
e."
Me:
"Iam,
thanky
ou.I
'
llseey
ouar
ound"
Her:
"Sur
e."Webothst
oodupatthesametime.We
shookourhandsandbot
hwentoutdif
fer
entways.

I'
m gladt hatIwon'
thav etolookovermyshoul der
s
everyti
meIgetoutoft hehouse,Iwasmost l
yscared
forthebaby .He'
smyweaknessandIhear dt hat
peoplelikentokozousesy ourweaknesstogety ou.
Yesterdaywasni ce,mysangoma' sfri
endscame
through.Wehaddr ankAfri
canbeer.Didall
the
ri
tualsaskingforprotecti
on.

Iwaslef
twi t
ht wohourstoret
urntotheshop,which
meanslunchf orme,I
'vebeencrav
ingforhotwings.
TheadvantageofhavingKFCneary ou,
Iwalkedto
or
dert
hef
oodandr
etur
nedt
omysi
t.

Khumbul
ani
.

Ican' tseem togetov erkhensani ,she'ssohumbl e,

kind, cuteandl ast
lyshehav eawar m hear t.She's
strong, she'sambi t
iousshehav edr eams.She' sa
hardwor kerwhatmor ecouldIaskf or?She' s
definitel
yt hegirlf
ormewhi chiswhyI '
m goingt o
wor khar dt omakeherl ov eme.May begettingfew
ti
psf r om dadwon' thurt.Iwassupposedt obe
drawi ngmybusi nessplanbutI '
m her ethi
nking
aboutkhensani wi
thal aptopinfrontofme.Ideci ded
tost andupandwentt odad' soffice,Ifir
stknocked
befor eIent er
ed.Idon'twanthi storyt orepeatitsel
f.

Hi
m:"
Comeon"
Me:
"Ar
eyouguy
s?"Iaskedpeeki
ngi
n
Him:
"Noyoucancomei
n.I'
m nott
hatmuchbusy"
hewaspacki
ngsomedocumentsontheshel
ves
Me:
"Dad,
Ihav
eapr
obl
em"
Him:
"Whati
sitson?Don'
tbeaf
rai
dtot
alkwi
thy
our
dad"
Me:
"I
'm somadl
yinl
ovewi
thkhensani
"
Him:
"It
'ssoeasy
,si
tdownandl
etgr
oot
manadv
ice
you"
Me:
"Beser
iousdad"Ipul
l
edachai
randsatdown
Hi
m:"
It
'ssoeasymyson,
askherout
"
Me:
"Justaft
erIthoughty
ouwer
egoi
ngt
ocome
wi
thav er
yrelev
antanswer"
Hi
m:"
What
?Adv
icesar
enotf
orf
reet
heseday
s"
Me:"
Youthi
nkIhav
en'
tdonet
hat
?Shet
urnedme
downdad"
Hi
m:"
Whatwereyouexpect
ing?Youexpect
edhert
o
i
mmediat
elyj
umpinbedwithyou?"
Me:
"Nobaba,
butshel
edmeon.Shemademet
hink
t
hatshehasf
eel
ingsf
orme"
Him:"
Hardl
uck.Fi
rstf
ixy
oursel
f.Bepati
ent
,gi
vea
spacetobr
eathkhumbul
ani
.Thegirl
justgr
aduat
ed
andnowy ou'
refor
cinghert
obei
nrel
ati
onshi
pwi
th
you.Cuthersomeslack"
Me:"
I'
m notdad,
Ionl
yneedt
ipsonhowt
omakeher
f
all
inlovewit
hme."
Dad:"Afterwhatyoudidtoher?Idon'tt
hinkshe' s
readytobej udged.Butify
ouwanthergof orher
son.Takeheroutasmanyt i
mesasy oucan.Fi nd
thi
ngst hatsheloves,spoi
lherIhear
dt hatgir
lslove
fl
ower s,cuddl
ewi t
hhermakeherf eelcomf or
table
aroundy ou"
Me:"
Youheard?Youwantt
otel
lmet
haty
ou'
ve
nev
erboughtrosesf
ormom?"
Hi
m:"
Shewasal
l
ergi
ctof
lower
s"
Me:
"Okay
,thanky
ouf
ory
ouradv
ices.
"
Him:
"Thr
owasupri
sedinnerf
orher.Justy
ou,
Aphi
we,aunt
yVel
ba,hermom, Gugu,meandyou"
Me:"
Yesy
ou'
rer
ight
.Buti
t'
stool
atel
et'
ssaynext
week"
Him:"
No,tomorrow.I
'
llmakesur
ethatev
ery
thi
ngi
s
perf
ectl
yplanned.
"
Me:
"Al
ri
ghtt
hanky
oudad"
Hi
m:"You'
remyonl
ychi
l
d,i
fIdon'
thel
pyouwho
wi
ll
?"
Me:
"Nooneatal
l
"
Him:"
Goanddr
awupt hebudget
,I'
l
lmaket
hephone
cal
lsoncey
ou'
redone"
Me:
"shar
p"

Istoodupandwentt omyroom happil

y,she'
l
lbeso
happytommor ow.May beIcanproposetommorow,
Idon'tt
hinkshe'l
l saynoinf
rontofever
yone,her
mom?Idon' tt
hinkso.Istoodupandwent
downstairs.AuntyVelbawaswat chi
ngTV

Me:"
Auntyam goi
ngoutf
orf
ewhour
s.Wi
l
lyoube
abl
etofeedthebaby
?"
Aunt
y:"
Ofcour
sei
t'
smyj
ob,
gowel
l
"
Me:"
Thankyou.Youcanbathhi
m wheny
ou'
ref
ree,
hopeI'
m notbot
her
ingyou"
Aunt
y:"
Noatal
l
"

Inoddedanddr ovet othemall,dad'

sgonnahirea
cheffortomor rowev enthought hey
'r
ehighly
expensive.ButI'm doingthi
sforher.Iwenttothe
bouti
queandboughtagl amour ousdress,
with
necklace.AfterpayingIwentt oAmer i
canSwissand
boughtaR2000r ing,I'
m notgoingtoproposewit
h
thousandsr i
ng.Hopesheagr ees!

#Gugul
ethu.

Therewasadr essbefor
eher.Itwaslai
doutforher
towearit
.Icouldseeonlydanger.Herl
if
ewasi n
dangerandthi
st i
me,Icoul
dn'thelpher
.Thi
swasi t
.
Herstr
uggleshadkil
ledher.
.

Theyfoughthar
d.Ther
ewasbloodont hefl
oor,
I
don'
tknowwhowasbl eedi
ngbetweenthetwoof
them butonoft
hem wasdyi
ng.Iwantedtorunto
wher
etheywer
ebutgr
andmot
herhel
dmeback
Her
:"
Leav
eher
.Lear
nherbe.
."
If
oughthert
oo
Me:
"She'
sdy i
ng.Iwantt
osav
eher
!!
!!
"Ishout
ed
whi
l
ecr y
ing.Shehel
dmeback
Her
:"
Gugul
ethul
eav
eher
!!
!Letherf
ight
!!
"
Andt
her
ewassi
l
ence.
Idon'
tknowwhobetweent
hem,butoneoft
hem t
oo
thei
rlastbr
eat
h.Thi
swasi
t.
..

"
Gugu!
!!
"Someoneshookme.
Iopenedmyey
es.Seat
ingupst
rai
ght
.Iwas
dreaming.
.
Myl
i
feski
l
lst
eacherst
oodbef
oreme
Her
:"
Gugul
ethu,
whywer
eyousl
eepi
ngi
nmycl
ass?
"
Idon'
tknowwhathappened.Khensani
'sl
if
ewasin
dangerandt
hist
imetherewasnothingIcoul
ddoto
saveher.
HERSTRUGGLE

CHAPTER60

FI
NALCHAPTER

KHENSANI
.

Iwascall
edbymymot hertogohomeandf etch
Gugubecauseshewasal one,
Ididn'tmindtakinga
cabandfetchherbutIwasst ressed,Ihadtogetto
theshopi
nt hirt
ymi nutesti
meandIwasal r
eadylat
e.
Ideci
dedtor eschedulethemeet i
ngf ortomorrow.

Me:
"Gugu"shecameoutr
unni
ng
Gugu:
"Whyar
eyouher
e?Wer
en'
tyousupposedt
o
beatt
heshop?"
Me:
"Mamaaskedmet
ocomeandf
etchy
ou"
Gugu:
"Why
?I'
m notsi
ck"
Me:"
Iknowbuti
tlookslikeshewon'
tbecomi
ng
hometoni
ght
"Isaidlaughing
Gugu:
"Okay
,letmegoandpack"
Me:
"I
'l
lhel
pyou.Wher
e'sy
ourt
eet
hbr
ush?
"
Gugu:
"St
orer
oom"
Me:
"Okay
"

Iwentt ofet
chherbagandpl acedhert oi
let
ri
es
i
nside,Iwasaboutt oputhercl othesinsi
dewhenI
heardacarhoot .Iplacedthem ont opofthebed
andwentout .ItwasMa' am Katrina,
shewasmy
primaryschool t
eacherbackt henandi snowGugu's
teacher.Iwenttofetchachai rforherandgrabbeda
crateformyself.Iwasalreadylate,Ihadaccepted
thatIwouldn'
tev enmakei ttotheshopi nti
me.

Me:
"Goodaf
ter
noon"
Her
:"
Aft
ernoonkhensani
.Howar
eyoudoi
ng"
Me:"I
'
m goodt hanks,shouldIgetyousomet hi
ngto
dri
nk?"Ev enthoughmymom wasn' tthebestmom
butonet hingI'
velear
ntf r
om heristhatshenever
al
lowedherguest sgoingwi t
houtofferi
ngthem
somethingt oeatordr i
nk.
Her
:"
NoI
'
mfi
ne,
plusI
'
minahur
ry"
Me:
"I
t'
sokay
"
Her:
"I
syourmom i
n?Ther
e'ssomet
hingIwantt
o
di
scusswit
hher
"
Me:
"Ohhno,
she'
swor
king"
Her
:"
Doy
oumi
ndt
aki
ngt
hemessage?
"
Me:
"Notatal
l
"
Her:"
What '
sgoingoninthishousehol
dkhensani
?I
knowi t
'snotmybusinessbutwhat ev
eri
sgoingon
hereit
'saffect
ingt
hechild"
Me:
"Idon'
tthi
nkIgety
ouma'
am"
Her:
"I
'm alsoamother
,Icantel
lwhent
hechil
disnot
happy.That'
swhathappeningt
oGugul
ethu,
she'
s
al
wayssl eepi
ngi
nmycl ass"
Me:
"I
'l
ltr
ytot
alkwi
thher
"
Her:
"Pl
easedo,gett
othebott
om ofi
t.Youdon'
t
wanthertoendupli
keyou"
Me:
"Whatdoy
oumeanMa?
"
Her:"
Don'tgetmewr ongbutwhatareyouteachi
ng
thechil
d?Youdon' thav
emat r
icGugul
ethuneedan
exampleinherlif
e,howisshesupposetowor khar
d
withyouwear i
ngthosethi
ngs"
Me:"Lookma' am Irespectyouasy ouweremy
teacher,
youdon' tknowwhatl edmet odroppingout
ofschool.IknowIwasnotageni usbutImadesur e
thatIworkedhar dandIdon' tt
hinkwhatI'
m wearing
hasany t
hingtodowi t
hy ou.Youbeli
evewhaty ou
wantt obeli
eve,foryourinfoI'
m notawitchbecause
Icanseewhaty ou'r
etryi
ngt oimply.
"
Her:
"I
fyouwantyourli
tt
lesi
stert
opassy
ou'
l
lmake
sur
ethatshe'
semotional
lyokay"
Me:"
Okay,
thankyoufort
ell
ingme.I'
l
lmakesur
ethat
she'
sokay
,Iunderst
andyourconcer
n"
Her
:"
Letmego"
Istoodupandwenti nsidet
hehouse,I
'm notangr
yI
knowI '
veconqueredaloti
nmyli
fe.I'
m asurvi
vornot
avicti
m, Imadeit
.Immakeeponf i
ghting

Me:"
Gugu?Comesi
tdown"Ihel
dherhandandl
ed
hert
othetabl
e
Me:"Iwantustotalkokay
.BeopentomeI '
my our
si
sterther
e'snot
hingtobeembarassedofokay?"
Shenodded" t
ell
mewhat 'sgoi
ngon?Areyouokay"
Her
:"
Yes,
whyar
eyouaski
ng?
"
Me:"Ther
ewasy ourteacherher
e,shelef
tminut
e
ago.Shecomplainedaboutyousleepi
nginhercl
ass.
Areyoupregnant
?"
Iknowi t
'sasi
l
lyquest
ion,
she'
stooy
oungt
obe
pregnant.
Her:
"I'
venev
ersl
eptwi
thaboybef
ore,
iswear
khensani
"
Me:
"Thenwhat
'swr
ongt
ell
me"
Her:
"Idon'tknow,ev
eryti
meIsl
eepi
nthecl
assi
t'
s
whenI'm abouttodream"
Me:
"Dr
eam?Hav
eyoudr
eamtt
oday
?"
Her
:"
yes,
youwere.
...
"Shestoppedhal
fway
,herey
es
wer
eshotst
rai
ghttothedoor
Me:"
What
'sgoi
ngon?Whyar
eyoul
ooki
ngatt
he
door
"
Her:
"Not
hing,
let
'sgo.Umm l
et'
sgo"whatwasshe
seei
ng?Whycouldn'
tIseei
t?
Ihadtoconsul
ttheancestor
s.Icouldfeel
itt
hati
t
wassomethingIwouldn'
tlove.Icoul
dfeeli
t
weighi
ngonmyshoul der
s.
Me:"
Wait,
y ouai
n'
tgoi
ngany
wher
eunt
ily
ouexpl
ain
what'
sgoingon"
Her
:"
Iseedanger
.Somet
hingbadi
sgoi
ngt
ohappen
t
oyou"
Me:
"Ar
eyousur
e?Goandt
akey
ourt
hingssot
hat
wecango"
Ihadt
oconsul
ttheancest
orsasi
nnow.

Her
:"
Wi l
lyoubeabletopr
otecty
our
sel
f?"Sheasked
r
unni
ngsot hatshecankeepupwit
hme.Iwas
wal
kingfast
Me:"
Idon'
tknowGugu,
butonet
hingIknowf orsur
e
I
sthatIneedtobei
nmyconsul
tat
ionroom asin
now.
"
Her
:"
Let
'sr
un,
Idon'
twantt
olosey
ou"

Inodded,shegr
abbedmyhand.West
art
edr
unni
ng
tothetaxir
ank.

WhenIopenedt hedoorIwaswel comedbybal

l
oons
bei
ngthrownonmyf ace.Theyscreamed
congr
atulat
ionsKhensi.
Thehousewasdecor
ated.Ther
ewerealphabet
ical
bal
loonst
oowri
tt
encongratul
ati
ons.
..
Iwashappyy
etshocked.
Me:
"What
'shappeni
ngher
e?"Iaskedi
nshock.
Mom:"
It
'sadi
nnerpar
tyf
ory
oumychi
l
d,y
ouhav
eto
t
hankkhumbul
ani
"
Me:
"OhmyGod.
."
Mom:
"You'
vemadeuspr
oudKhensani
."
Ismi
l
ed.
ButIhonest
lyhadt
obei
nmyconsul
tat
ionr
oom.
Me: "
Umm, t
hankyousomuch.Iappr
eciateyour
effortbutexcusemeforf
ewminutesI'
l
l bebackjust
now"Iwasaboutt owalkawaywhenaunt yVelba
grabbedmyar m
Her:
"Nosil
l
y ,
it'
syourday
.You'
l
ldot
her
estwhent
he
di
nnerisover"
Me:
"i
t'
sur
gent
"
Mom: "
Welli
twil
lhavetowait,
comel et'
sgoand
changeyourcl
othesbecausether
e'sacameraman
herewedon'twantyourpi
ctur
escomi ngoutwi
th
rags"
Me:
"Mom"
Mom:
"Nocome"

Shel
edmet oaunt
yVelba'
sroom,ther
ewasadress
ni
cel
ylai
donthebed.I
twasaf l
oraldr
esswi
thback
cr
ossedandathi
ghsli
t.

Me:
"You'
regoi
ngt
ost
ylemyhai
rri
ght
?"
Mom:
"Yes,
sitdown"
Me:
"Comb?
"
Mom:"
Obv
iouskhensani
"Igi
ggl
edandgav
ehera
comb

Wheni tcomest ohair

styl
esItrusther,thisremains
aclassicforareason.Sweepy ourhairbackandpi n
i
tintoasimpleandel egantl
owchi gnon.Addi n
somebr aidsorhairpi
ecesifyou'dli
ke, orleav
eitas
i
seitherway ,
youcan'tgowr ongwitht hisone.It
wasasl eekpony t
ail
.
_
___
___
___
___

Fam:"
Tokhensani
!"Theyexcl
aimedhol
dingt
hei
rnon
al
coholi
cchampagnes
AuntyVel
ba:"
Isti
l
l don'
tunder
standwhywehav
eto
dr
inknonalcohol
ic"
Me:"
It
'sbecauseyoudon'
tdri
nkaunt
ypl
uswedon'
t
wantyoutoturnt
hispl
aceint
oamess"
AuntyVel
ba:"
It
'smyj
ob,
I'
ll
cleani
tupatt
heend.
Khumbulani
weeIthi
nki
t'
sthebestgot
oli
quor
st
ore"
Lani:
"Onceev
ery
thi
ngi
sdone.I
'
llgety
ouatl
eastt
wo
str
ongbows"
Aunt
yVel
ba:
"mm"Il
aughed

Smanga:"
Okayenough,
khensaniweareproudof
youri
ghtguys?
"Theynodded"You'
reagreatwoman
wit
hgreathear
t,y
oudeservet
hebestintheworl
d.
YouandAphi
we,I'
m gl
adtohav
efi
nal
lymetyoui
n
myli
feandIhopeyoubecomemydaught
eri
nlaw"
Lani:
"Soondad,
don'
twor
rysoon"t
heygi
ggl
ed.He'
s
dreaming
Me:
"Somet
imesi
t'
sgr
eatt
odr
eam r
ight
?"
Lani
:
"Don'
tyouwantt
obet
?"
Me:
"Nope.
"Il
aughed.

Wehadadi nnerlaughingandtal
ki
ng,i
twastimefor
dessertwhichwaspr eparedbykhumbukani
'
sdadI
heard.Itwasachocol atecakewit
hvani
ll
aIhear
d,it
wasnott hatfancy

Iwasi nthemiddleoff ini

shingitwhenIfelt
somet hi
nginmymout h.Iopenedmymout hand
tookitout.I
twasar ing, whatwai t
,thi
siswhathe
meantwhenhesai dsoon?It houghtwet al
kedand
agreedwi t
hthis?Whydoesn' tkhumbulani
understandthatIdon'thavef eeli
ngsforhim.Befor
e
Icouldstandupandt al khewasr i
ghtonhisknees
i
nfr
ontofme.

Him:
"KhensaniNgobeni
,I
'v
enevermetglamourous
andbeauti
fulgi
rll
i
keyouinmylif
e.Cany oupl
ease
marr
yme?Andmakemet hehappiestmanint
he
worl
d?"
Thei
rlookswer
eonmer i
ghtnow,wai
ti
ngf
ormet
o
answerdoIsayyes?ButIdon'
tl
ovehi
m
Me:
"Ummm, khumbul
ani"Iwastonguet
ied.If
inall
y
f
oundthecour
agetotal
k"excuseme,Ineedwat er
"
Igav
ehi
m hi
sri
nganddi
sappear
edt
otheki
tchen.

If
oundtheglassontheki
tchencount
erandpoured
water
,bef
oreIcoul
df i
l
lupthesecondgl
assIfel
this
pr
esence.

It
urnedt
ohi
m..
Hi
m:"
Khensani
whydon'
tyouwantt
omar
ryme?
"
Me:
"Khumbul
ani
Inev
ersai
dIdi
dn'
twantt
omar
ry
y
ou.Ij
ustcanKhumbul
ani
.Ican'
tmar
ryy
ou.
."
Isi
ghed
Hi
m:"ThenwhatdoyouwantKhensani
.Whatdoy
ou
wantmetodotoshowyou.Ilov
ey ou?
"
Me:"Nothi
ngKhumbulani
.Iwantyoutodonothi
ng.
Li
stenI'm notr
eadyf
ormarri
age.Idon'
tl
ove,
Ican'
t
l
ovey ou"
Hesi
ghedwhi
l
ewal
ki
ngt
ome
Hi
m:"
Khensani
for
giv
emef
orhur
ti
ngy
ou"
Me:"
Ilongforgi
veny ou.Justthat.
..I
..I
'
m nott
he
r
ightpersonforyou.Ican'tlove.I
'
vebeenbrokent
o
apointwhereIwontev ertrustamanwi t
hme..
"
Hi
shandr
ubbedmycheek
Hi
m:"
Khensani
youst
il
ldon'
ttr
ustme?
"
Me:
"Youdon'
tgeti
tdoy
ou?
"
Hi
m:"
Idon'
t!
"
Hesnapped,
hewasaboutt oloseit
.Hi
spatience
wasrunni
ngout.At
leastIf
eltsaf
ebecause
ev
eryonewasinthehousebutIdoubttheywould
hearmescream i
fany
thi
nghappenedbecauseof
thenoi
seandloudmusic
Hi
m:"Igaveyouahome.Igav eyoumoney.Ist
il
l
makesuretogiveyouever
ythi
ng,whatmoredoy ou
wanttoknowIloveyou?
"
Me:
"Khumbul
ani
..
"
Hepushedmeagai
nstt
heki
tchencount
er
Him:"IbathedyouKhensi
,noinf
actAmandadidt he
j
ob, youhadnowher etogo.Youwouldn'
thave
graduatedbutbecauseofmeIpaidthefuckenR50
000.Yout houghtIwasdoi
ngitforf
ree?Wehav ea
chil
dt ogether
"
hesaidrubbinghi
shandonmyt hi
gh.Thedemon
thathadbeeninsi
deifhim ayearagowasback.
Thiswast heKhumbulaniImetwhenIstar
ted
workingforAmanda.
Thi
swast
hesamemonst
ert
hatf
orcedi
tsel
fonme.
Me:
"Pl
ease,khumbul
anist
op"Iwasbeggi
ng,
tear
s
ont
hevergeofcomingout
Hi
m:"
You'
remywi
fe,
noonewi
l
lhav
eyou.Doy
ou
hearme?"Hi
shandsl
i
ppedi
nmypant
ies,
Icr
ied
whenIfel
thi
minsi
deme.

Heforcef
ull
ygrabbedmyneck, Ihavetoactnow.
He'
llnotf
orcemet olovehim,Il
ookedbehindhim
andsawakni f
e,Ipul
leditandstabbedhi
schest.

Me: "
Ahhhhh"Iscreamedstabbi
nghim agai
n,agai
n,
againandagai n."
I'
mtir
edofyoutaki
ngmef or
granted.IscreamedasIfel
twarm bl
oodedonmy
skin.Mydr esswasredalsowit
hmyhands."

NowI'v
ehadmySTRUGGLES.You'v
eseenmy
STRUGGLES.DamnImadesuret
otakeyouwit
hme
thr
oughthem.Imadesur
etobeanopenbookso
youcouldseehowhar
dI'
vehadi
tgrowi
ngup.
From beingrapedbymyst epfat
hertobeingr
aped
mythef atherofmychild.Rapecandestroyyou.I
t
cankil
l y
ouemot ional
l
y.Ipl eadwit
hallt
hosethat
aregoingthroughwhatI '
vewentthroughtospeak
up.Neveral
lowy
oursel
ftobet
hev
ict
im.Youcanbe
asurvi
vor.
..
.
.
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..

Voice:"
Khensani Ngobeni ,you'
reunderar restforthe
mur derofKhumbul ani Dlomo.Anythingy ouhav eto
saywi l
lbeusedagai nstthelawwillbeusedi ncour t
room"t hat'
swhenIr eal
isedthatIhadki ll
edaper son.
Iwast erri
fiedandy etscared.Am Ikill
er?Hi sbody
wascov er
edwi thawhi tesheet,hi
sf atherwas
cryi
ngont hecorneraunt yVelbawashol dingacel l
phoneIguessshe' stheonewhocal ledthepol ice.

Me:
"CanIpl
easesaygoodby
etomyson?
"Ihadpai
n
i
nmyv oi
ce
Mom:"No,noI'
l
lcomeandseey ou.Trustmeyou
don'
twanthimtoseey ouli
ket
hat"shehadcare
wri
tt
eninhereyes.Inodded

Il
ookedout
sideoft
hev
an,
Isawmyl
i
feendi
ngr
ight
t
her
e,Icl
osedmyey
esandl
aydown.

That'
smyst ory,
ofhowIendedupbei ngasangoma
i
nj ai
l.I
'
vekil
ledthefat
herofmychi l
d.Notbecause
ofthehateIhadt owar
dshim butbecauseofthe
fearheplant
edinsideofme,Ithoughthist
orywoul
d
repeatit
sel
f
See,mySTRUGGLESendedther
e,at
leastIbel
iev
e.I
don'tknowwhatt
hef
utur
einjai
lhol
df orme.ButI'
m
here,I
'minj
ail

Mynamei
sKhensani
Ngobeni
.Thi
swasmyst
ory
.
Writ
tenbyKamogel
oMashel
eandBoi
tumel
o
Phal
adi.

THEEND!
!!
!!
!

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--