That Which Does Not Kill Us

By Gabrielle Goldsby

Standard Disclaimers: Although the characters in this “uber” story may physically re-
semble characters that are owned by Renaissance Pictures that’s where the resemb-
lance ends. These girls, for better or worse, belong to me, and I’ll do with them as I
wish. You however, have to ask to play with them. I’m stingy that way.

Hurt Comfort Disclaimer: Did you ever rip the head off your Ken doll when you were
a kid then have Barbie’s “roommate” Shamika help her work through the loss? Uh
huh, sure you did, well it is kind of like that.

Subtext Disclaimer: Please be forewarned that this story contains explicit and graphic
sex between two consenting adult females. If you are under the age of 18… um, then
you’re still jailbait, and you need to go check out a book or a video…. Hey, might I
suggest Anne of Green Gables? That Megan Fellows is really ho…um, ok, never
mind. Where was I? Oh yeah, if this material is illegal in the Country/State/Hovel
that you live in, then you should stop reading now and my condolences go out to you.
In fact, I suggest you get yourself a U-haul and a nice Internet girlfriend and move
the heck up out of Dodge.

Gina Dart’s Wonder Wand™ Disclaimer: Sorry not this time. You can all breathe a
collective sigh of relief.

Positive and constructive feedback will be greatly appreciated; the negative will be
tossed in the recycle bin. I’m still new at this so be kind. I can be reached at:
GabGold@aol.com

I always tell people that we met through a mutual acquaintance. The truth is simply
too complicated and painful to explain. At that point three years ago I was severely
depressed and extremely lonely. I had just ended a 9-month relationship that held
little to no passion and a whole lot of headache. It wasn’t worth it so I ended the rela-
tionship putting the blame solidly on my own shoulders and accepted a promotion in
another state. I had been in Seattle three days when I decided to call Stephanie my old
college roommate. I don’t even know what made me hang on to her phone number. It
isn’t like we had exactly kept in contact over the years.
You see while I had decided to use my business degree to wrangle myself a manage-
ment position in one of the largest software companies in America, Stephanie had de-
cided to go another less legal route. She was then, and still is, running one of the most
successful escort services in the United States.

After some polite small talk and bringing Stephanie up to speed on my new address
and phone number, Stephanie as was her personality cut right to the chase.

“It’s been really nice hearing from you after all these years Jenna, but to what do I
owe the pleasure?” Stephanie asked pointedly.

Although I was far from a prude back in college, I did not agree with how Stephanie
chose to earn a living. I felt as though she was using something that I had worked
hard for, a college education, as a cover for her illegal activities. I think she had star-
ted to sense the change in my attitude as I questioned how a twenty-one year old
orphan with no job paid her tuition and rent so easily. It was almost a relief when she
told me that since she was already pulling down six figures there was no need for her
to finish college. She would be moving on in four weeks. Stephanie and I parted ways
on cordial, if not exactly the friendliest of terms.

“Um Stephanie, I have this…problem. Well, it isn’t really a problem I just well…”

“Boy, and to think you were the one that got the A in speech.” Stephanie joked.
“Come on hun spit it out, you know you can tell me anything.”

“I uh, think I might be interested in your services.” I finally admitted.

I nervously played with the pen that I held in my hand, as I waited for the long si-
lence to end on the other end of the phone.
Stephanie finally cleared her throat. “Jenna, are you sure that’s what you want? I
mean we sort of lost touch there for a minute, but as I recall you never had any
trouble attracting a man for a date or anything else you wanted. You never seemed to
care much about men in college for that matter.”

“Yeah, I still don’t.” I admitted. “Steph, I don’t want you to set me up with a man.”
Another pregnant pause.

“You’re saying you want me to set you up on a date with a woman Jenna?” Stephanie
asked incredulously.

I took a deep breath. “Yeah, that’s what I want you to do.”

Stephanie’s voice dropped down an octave. “Are you sure that’s what you want hun?
I mean I have several men in your area that are wonderful and I’m sure that you
would enjoy their company.”

“I am positive Stephanie. I have been fighting these feelings for a while now. I have
been dating guys and …it just isn’t there, Steph. I mean they are all pretty nice, but I
just don’t feel whole.” I felt awkward trying to explain this to Stephanie. “I always
end the relationship with them when they start to get too serious. I always feel like I
am a fake. I just want to know if my dreams are the reason… I don’t know Steph
jeez.”

“Tell me about your dreams Jenna.” I could tell I must have said something right be-
cause Stephanie’s dubious voice had now taken on a more interested tone.

I was squeezing the front of my forehead now. I had no idea it would be this hard. I
mean hell, I thought you just picked up a phone and ordered up a hooker. Who knew
you had to go through a godamn psychological exam?
“Well, it started about five months ago. I was seeing this guy named Mathew and
things were going fine. I mean he wasn’t pressuring me into sex or anything and he
seemed to understand how much my career means to me. So anyway one night we
um…decided to take the next step and we started to make love. I remember thinking
how everything about what we were doing just felt incredibly wrong. So I started to
um…fantasize that he was a woman. Well, a very specific woman to be exact.” I
waited to see if Stephanie had any comments to my confession.

I heard her taping her pen on a note pad and then quietly. “Go on.”

“I was picturing this woman from a dream I had been having. I mean I could see her
so clearly that I was sure later that I must have seen her somewhere in real life. She
was fairly short compared to me, with long reddish gold hair and the prettiest emerald
eyes. I remember being so turned on by the time we made it to my room that I nearly
jumped on Mathew.”

“So did you continue to use this method every time you slept with Mathew?”

“I uh no…I never slept with him. I couldn’t go through with it. I wanted her not him.
I felt like I was cheating on her. He was very confused, but said he understood. We
went on that way for about two more months. I would get to a certain point and stop.
I couldn’t go through with it. I finally broke it off.”

“Have the dreams stopped Jenna?”

“No, I still have the same dreams about this, making love to this woman in different
places, different times. We would be dressed differently and sometimes not at all. I
really liked when I…um when I was wearing uniforms of some sort. Sometimes it
was …the sex was vicious and other times it was wonderfully tender. At first I
thought we were just…acting?”

“Role playing?” Stephanie supplied.

“Yeah, I guess, but it wasn’t that. In the dreams we would be entirely different
people in entirely different places, but yet we were still the same. I recognized her no
matter what. Steph…I need to know if this is what I have been missing. I need to
know if this is the reason why I never felt connected in any of the relationships that I
have had.” I couldn’t keep the begging tone from entering my voice I was desperate.

Stephanie sighed on the other end of the phone. “Jenna, I can definitely set you up
with one of my girls and I am sure you would enjoy yourself. I just don’t know if this
is what you need. I mean, it sounds like you want more than a sexual partner. What
you’re describing is more like a soul mate Hun.” She sounded almost apologetic as
she finished. “I can’t give you that.”

“I have to do something Steph. I have to know if I can even be with a woman, let
alone worrying if my soul mate is one.”

“Ok, Jenna let me see what I can do. What is your schedule like for the next few
days?”

“I don’t start work until next Monday.” I told her nervously.

“I happen to have a girl in your area that sounds like she might be close to the de-
scription of your dream girl. She is a college student though. I don’t know what her
schedule is like this quarter. I need to check with her and then I can get back to you.
Bye Jenna.” Stephanie said abruptly, she was never one for long phone conversations

“Steph…you there? Stephanie…”

“Yeah I am still here.”

“Do you think…I mean I know you call this a date, but can we make it so its not
so….”

“You mean you want it to be a little more spontaneous?” Steph asked.

“Yeah.”

“A lot of my clients prefer that. That is absolutely no problem; in fact the girl that I
am sending is a drama major so she is great at this type of thing. Ok then, I’ll tell you
what. I will let her know when you’re available and she will make contact with you
ok?”

“Oh…ok”, I agree nervously.

“Jenna, don’t worry this girl is very professional. She will make sure you are com-
fortable with everything.”

After saying goodbye to Stephanie, I hung up the phone and started cleaning and un-
packing the boxes that littered the living room floor. My mind was reeling leaving me
feeling confused and a little queasy. I decided to lie down for a minute to clear my
thoughts. Sleep was a welcome, if not entirely restful.

I am walking naked into my dimly lit bedroom. I can barely make out the small form
covered by a white down comforter. I stood at the end of the bed for a moment
watching her sleep. Then I grab the bottom of the comforter and pull it off of the bed
slowly. She is naked and laying on her back. I open one of the drawers of my night-
stand and remove several silk scarves. First I tie her arms above her head to the head-
board, she will be able to get loose if she really wants to, but I know she wouldn't
even try. Then I gently part her legs. She moans then smiles in her sleep. I smile in re-
turn. I know she is dreaming, and I know she is dreaming of me. Her lips part and she
moans softly again before she settles into a deep sleep. I gently tie her feet. She is
ready and so am I....
She is beautiful. I watch her even breathing as her chest rises and falls. I can tell she
is in a deep sleep. I sit on the bed trying not to wake her. I can’t help, but touch her
parted lips with my fingertips. I feel her breath catch, then even out. She is still
asleep. I lean to whisper into her small ear. I let my lips graze her hair. "What do you
want?” I ask. She does not answer me....

I carefully straddle her hips, my hands on either side of her shoulders …not touching
her. I wait, but she does not move. I lean down to kiss her once lightly on the lips.
Still, she does not move. I hear her breath deepen before it returns to normal. I let my
lips glide across her lower lip to her chin and down the side of her jaw.

I place small kisses all along her collarbone and neck. I can hear the difference in her
breathing now, but she is still asleep. Carefully still not touching her with my body, I
move lower down her torso. I lightly run my tongue over her nipples. They are
achingly hard. I let my teeth graze her nipple again and she lets out a faint moan that
causes me to smile. I cover her nipple completely with my mouth. I move to her other
breast and gave it the same homage.

I have to stop and catch my breath. I don’t want to lose control…at least not yet. I
slowly kiss lower. I spend more time kissing her stomach and sides. I enjoy the way
her warm skin smells and feels. Finally I reach her hips, kissing them both. I pur-
posely bypass her sex and move lower to place more kisses on her spread thighs. I
smell the evidence of her arousal. I ease myself between her legs, careful not to
touch her much. I am so close; it would be a shame to have her awaken now. I can see
her sex glistening in the dimly lit room. Finally, I allow myself to do what I had been
aching for since entering the room. I kiss the downy hair that covered her sex. I hear
her gasp softly, then moan. I wonder if she was awake, then quickly brushed the
thought away. It doesn’t matter now.

I kiss her, increasing the pressure each time before I selfishly gave in to my own de-
sires and allow my tongue to separate her folds to grant me entrance. This time we
both moan. I could feel my own sex clench and beg for some kind of contact. I ig-
nored it. There would be time for that later. I allowed my tongue to glide up and
down in her wetness until I was sure that she was ready for what I wanted to give her.
I felt her breathing increase each time I pass my tongue gently over her swollen bud.
I finally grab it with my teeth gently and began to nibble and suck it as I bring my
hands up to touch the evidence of her need. I caressed her opening, spreading, revel-
ing in her wetness as I teased her. She gasps loudly, alerting me to the fact that she
was now fully awake. I continued to torment her. Each time I think she is close to the
edge, I slow my movements even stopping if need be. I did not want her to climax
until I was ready. Finally in desperation she moaned the words that were always my
undoing.

“Please…please.” She begs.

I looked into the emerald eyes that were now pleading with me for release. There was
desperation and arousal evident in her expressive eyes, but binding it all together was
love and adoration. The two fingers that had been massaging her opening thrust into
her. Her hips lifted off of the bed as I entered her. I continued to kiss and suck her
clitoris while I thrust strongly into her. I revel in the heat and wetness. The moans
that had been barely more than a whisper increased in volume. I knew she was close.
I could feel her body tighten and grip my fingers as I thrust into her. I close my eyes
and gradually increased the speed and depth of my fingers. With one final thrust, I
opened my eyes and watch her sweat slicked body arch off of the bed as she shook
with the force of her release. I still the fingers inside of her, but continued to suck on
her clitoris while her body quakes with the force of her orgasm. I left my fingers in-
side of her, enjoying the aftershocks. I lay with my head on her stomach as both of
our heart rates return to normal. I can feel her breathing even out as she sinks into
sleep. I can allow her to rest…for now.

I awoke with a start. My mouth the only dry spot on my entire body.

Shutting my eyes, I tried to calm myself. It was fifteen minutes or so before my heart-
beat calmed to a normal level. Behind my closed lids I remember the eyes. “She
loved me,” I mummer to myself. “I can’t do this, can I? No, I can’t do this.” I
jumped off my bed searching out Stephanie’s card. I needed to call off our little ar-
rangement.

“Damn,” Stephanie’s voice mail pick’s up. “Listen Steph, I’m sorry I can’t do this. I
apologize if I caused you any problems. I just don’t think this is right for me. I’m
sorry. Can you call back and confirm that you got this message?”
I hung up the phone nervously. Praying that she got the message before the call girl
contacted me. My god what do I tell her? Sorry, but I canceled my order? I was way
past hysterical as I wondered if they charge some kind of administrative fee for can-
celed dates.

I waited well into the evening. My nervousness growing as each hour went by with
no phone call from Stephanie. By the time I dragged myself into bed, it was past 1:00
in the morning and I still had not heard from Stephanie.

The next afternoon I took a much-needed bath and placed another desperate phone
call to Stephanie. After receiving her answering machine for the third time, I
slammed the phone down in exasperation.

I was just about to indulge in throwing a small temper tantrum and tossing the phone
across the room when the front doorbell rang. I wasn’t expecting anyone so the noise
startled me.

Peering through the peephole, I saw a woman standing on my doorstep with her back
to the door. Noting the hardhat and tool belt, I opened the door leaving the security
chain in place and asked impatiently, “May I help you?” I was in no mood to be soli-
cited for illegal cable. Besides I had already tried that at my old place and got caught.
I had to pay a two hundred-dollar fine and the thought of that fine still smarted.

She turned around and I was floored. My eyes noted the shoulder length braid that
hung over her well muscled shoulders. The tight ribbed V-neck white T-shirt that left
nothing to the imagination. I know I was staring I couldn’t help it. I gazed lovingly as
the T swelled over perfect breasts and then tapered down to a slender waist disappear-
ing neatly into tight faded and worn blue jeans. Brown suede looking tool belt hung
low on curving hips. Muscled denim clad thighs leading to brown suede work boots.
It was the woman in my dreams and she was already dressed for action.

I however, looked like shit. My long dark hair was still damp and probably all over
my head and I am sure my blue eyes were red from lack of sleep. I was wearing a
wrinkled gray Army T shirt and the baggy gray sweats that I had conveniently forgot-
ten to put in the box filled with Matthew’s belongings when we broke up. I thought
about checking to see if my breath was ok, but I figured she would notice so I just
moved a tad back from the door.

“Hi, I’m DJ,” she said with a grin. Oh my god, I thought this is no dream, this is real.
Unlike all my dreams, she actually speaks. I shook my head a bit trying to drag my-
self back into reality.

She is looking at me quizzically with that half amused half exasperated look one gets
when talking to someone who is not all together in their right mind.

“Pardon?” I asked her breast.

“I said,” she squatted so that I was now looking into her amused green eyes. “I’m
from the Phone Company. We received a call that there was a problem with your
phone line.”

I blushed hotly and croaked, “I didn’t…” And suddenly it occurred to me what this
was. I closed the door, unhooked the security chain and opened it back up again. I
looked outside for a phone company truck or van. Seeing none, I took in her apparel.
She didn’t wear any clothing signifying that she was with the Phone Company, just a
tool belt, a hard hat and the clipboard that she clutched in her hands, but no badge or
anything.

I opened the door and allowed her to walk in. “Excuse the mess I just started unpack-
ing yesterday.”

“Oh yeah, where you from?” She asked conversationally.

“New York.”
“Wow, you’re a long way from home aren’t you?” She asked smiling at me again.

“Um yeah. Listen, can I get you something to drink DJ? I just have water. Sorry, I
haven’t been to the store yet.”

I think she was enjoying my bumbling antics because she looked like she was about
two seconds from laughing. I smiled back at her just because I couldn’t help it. She
did have a gorgeous smile.

“Ok, be right back.” I turned and walked quickly into the kitchen repeating ‘she is a
hooker stupid, she is a hooker stupid’ under my breath as I thought about that smile.
Wow, Stephanie sure was good. She sent a hooker over that was the spiting image of
the woman in my dreams.

I went into the kitchen and stopped dead in my tracks at the chaos. I hadn’t made it in
here to unpack the boxes of dishes. I had no idea where the glasses were. The only
thing I had out was a Tasmanian devil glass that I had gotten for free at Mickey D’s a
while back.

“This is so humiliating,” I whispered to myself as I poured bottled water from the re-
frigerator into the glass and carried it back out into the living room.

DJ is still standing in the middle of the boxes that littered the room looking around at
the destruction that was my new home.

“Listen, I tried to call Stephanie, but she hasn’t called me back yet,” I handed her the
glass and crossed my fingers that she wouldn’t notice the cartoons on it. No such
luck.
A delighted squeal rent the air as she turned the glass around looking at it as if it was
Tiffany crystal. “You like Taz?” she asked. “I like him too. Wanna see my tattoo?”

“Um, sure.” I was so happy that she wasn’t laughing her ass off at my glassware that
I didn’t stop to think of the ramifications of my request.

I winced as her heavy tool belt hit the floor with a crash.

“Oh sorry, I forget how heavy that thing is sometimes.”

I waited patiently wondering how she was going to get that T-shirt sleeve over those
biceps. She sure is built well for such a little thing. She untucked her T-shirt from her
pants and I figured she probably just needed to remove her arm completely to show
me the tattoo or maybe it was on her shoulder blade that would be even nicer. After
untucking the shirt her fingers went to the fly of her pants and started to unbutton one
of the buttons that kept her jeans closed. She had unbuttoned three of the buttons be-
fore I realized what was happening.

Hey she’s not going to…I mean surely the tattoo isn’t…ooh yeessss…. I stared in
amazement at a perfect cartoon replica of Taz grinning toothily from a very naked
completely tanned bikini line.

“Oh my,” I gasped as my heart beat loudly in my own ears.

“I know, isn’t it great?” She beamed. “I had a friend that is a cartoonist draw him out
for me and I took it in to the best tattoo artist I could find.” She was grinning at me
proudly now.

“Here, you want to get a better look? The detail is awesome,” she continued seem-
ingly oblivious to what she was doing to me.
Suddenly I heard Stephanie’s voice “The girl that I am sending is a drama major so
she is great at this type of thing.”

God, this girl was good, I thought as I stepped closer and kneeled down to take a bet-
ter look. I looked up at her face once as she grinned proudly and pulled the flap of her
jeans down lower so that I could get a better look. Real good.

“Isn’t it beautiful?” She asked.

“God yeah,” I agreed breathless. This was simply amazing I mean I have never in my
life been this excited by anyone. I stared as much enthralled with the hip as the tattoo.
The flesh of her hip was a golden color from exposure to the sun. The Taz cartoon
was colored a rich brown and was standing on a little hill showing his enormous
teeth.

I was now on my knees in front of her. Taz and everything else was eye level. I con-
tinued to stare at the little guy. I inhaled deeply. This woman not only looked good,
she smelled good. Her body moved slightly. It was enough to break me from my
spell. The delighted grin was slowly being replaced by a much more erotic smile.

“This is lovely.” I told her staring into her eyes. I may not have had a clue what I was
doing, but my hands had a mind of their own. I watched like a spectator as they
gripped the hips in front of me. My thumb caressed the small tattoo I marveled as I
traced the outline along her bikini line stopping only when she shuttered and stepped
back.

“Mmmm…thanks,” she answered staring at my lips. “I should really get to work.” I

watched a little pink tongue slip from between parted lips and disappear again.

“Yes, please do.” I answered and stood in front of her. I paused hesitantly, not sure if I
should take the lead or not. Before touching her lips with mine. Instead of feeling
any fear, I felt as though the kiss had a calming effect on my raging hormones. This
was right. I felt certain I would know what to do when the time came.

I allowed the stress of the last few months to pour out into that passionate kiss. Ex-
ploring her mouth with wild abandon and crushing her hips to mine. I pulled her
down on the floor and rolled on top of her kissing her until her chest was heaving as
she tried to get her breathing under control. Closing my eyes, flashes of past fantas-
ies with this woman of my dreams tantalized me with their eroticism causing my own
breath to catch. I was grinding my hips against hers heavily now and she was moving
against me as well. I reached between our bodies to glide up her rapidly panting chest
and covered her breast with my palm. She emitted a small groan so I figured that she
liked what I was doing. Our movements were causing me to become more and more
aroused by the moment. I decided I wanted to feel this woman’s arousal so I trailed
my hands down her hips and lifted up slightly so that I could get my hands between
our bodies. Her pants were still open so I was able to stroke her lower belly.

Beneath me DJ’s body stiffened and she opened her eyes and looked at me. Slowly
realization of what we were doing dawned over her face and she began to try to push
me off of her.

“Hang on a second baby. We are moving too fast.”

I stared down at her confused and wondered what I had done wrong and then it hit
me. DJ was here to help me work through my fantasies; one of those fantasies in-
cluded this. Me being the aggressor and her being the submissive. I grinned widely
and whispered, “My, you are good at this aren’t you little one?” And kissed her pas-
sionately on the mouth again. I was getting really turned on flashes of myself wearing
some type of leather get up and doing this very same thing came to me like distant
memories before fading to the background. The struggling beneath me had increased
by this time. DJ was a very strong woman and it was all I could do to stay on top of
her even with the height and weight advantage I had over her. I stopped kissing her,
“Hey don’t struggle so much ok I like it, but it’s making it hard to do this.”

“Get off of me, you crazy bitch.”

I stared at her in amazement I didn’t appreciate being called names even if we were
just role-playing. I was just about to tell her so when I noted something besides anger
in her face. This woman was terrified and that fear was directed at me.

“DJ! Oh my god, did I hurt you?” I asked scrambling off of her.

I tried to help her up but she pushed me away from her screaming, “Stay away from
me.”

“DJ, I’m so sorry. I thought you liked what I was doing. I thought that was what this
was all about?”

“How could you think that I liked what you were doing? I asked you to stop and you
didn’t. I mean shit. I don’t even know you. I don’t even know your fucking name.
Where do you get off thinking you can pull this heavy handed shit with me?”

“It’s Jenna.”

She looked at me incredulously for a minute and then started for the door.

“Wait DJ, please.” I tried to catch her before she reached the door, but she had
already stumbled through it and down the walkway tucking her shirt into her pants as
she went. I stood there looking after her like an idiot for a moment before I went back
into the house and closed the door behind me.

I must have done something wrong, I thought. Surely I had to have crossed some line
that I didn’t know existed. I could have sworn she was enjoying what we were doing.
Walking over to the phone I dialed Stephanie’s number by heart. I winced as her an-
noying voicemail picked up after only one ring. “Stephanie...Steph this is Jenna.
Look I saw DJ today. I think I did something wrong. Came on too strong or some-
thing. Anyway, I scared her away. Can I…listen if you could have her call me? I
would like to try again. Her terms. No pressure. We could even go out to dinner or
something not even come here. Ok I…thanks Stephanie.” I hung up the phone and
stood there trying to figure out where it had gone wrong.

I had just turned away from the phone when it rang suddenly. I jerked it up mid ring
and said an almost desperate, “Hello.”

“Jenna, are you ok?” It was a very concerned Stephanie on the other line.

I swallowed before I allowed myself to speak, “Stephanie, I don’t know what I did
wrong.”

“Tell me exactly what happened Jenna,” Stephanie asked calmly.

I recapped the majority of the story not leaving out any of the intimate details.

Stephanie cleared her throat. “Jenna, the girl I was going to send out to you is named
Crystal, not DJ. But I never sent her to you hun. I didn’t call you earlier because I had
to go out of town unexpectedly.”

“WHAT?”

“I never even talked to her. You cancelled before I could get a hold of her.”

There was dead silence on both ends of the line. “Then who did I just…”
“I don’t know Jenna, but it wasn’t one of my girls.”

“I need to go.”

I hung up the phone and walked over to my couch and sat down. I leaned back and
blinked rapidly as my eyes began to tear. The shell-shocked look on DJ’s face as she
had fled the house kept flashing in my head. My god, I could be in a lot of trouble if
DJ chose to press charges. There would be no way I could explain to the police that I
thought she had been a prostitute.

I think I must have sat there on the couch for over an hour. I couldn’t understand how
I could make such a horrible mistake. The sound of the doorbell ringing roused me
out of my stupor. I stood up shakily and walked over to the door and opened it
without bothering to check the peephole. DJ stood nervously on my porch. She
looked like she was ready to bolt at any moment. I looked at her pale face and red
rimmed eyes and realized that I had caused this. This was going to be a lot harder
than I thought.

“DJ, I am so sorry. Please let me explain.”

“I just need my clipboard.” She said quietly.

I nodded dumbly and turned leaving the door open for her to come in or not and went
in search of the clipboard. Spotting it partially hidden under the couch, I picked it up
from the floor absently looking at the top of the work order. The address that was on
the work order was not my address. Instead of going to 712 Cherry Lane per the
work order, DJ had come to my house at 721 Cherry Lane she had obviously inverted
the address.

I handed her the clipboard hanging on to it and not releasing it until she looked at me
apprehensively. “DJ, this is all a terrible mistake. Please let me explain? I thought you
were someone else. Look DJ.” I pointed to the work order knowing I sounded eager,
but I couldn’t help it. “You came to the wrong house, see.” At least she was still
listening. She looked at the work order and at me distrustfully as if I had somehow
magically changed the numbers around.

“Please, can you come in and let me explain DJ? I need to explain what happened. I
didn’t mean to attack you like that.”

“I am not going back in there.” She told me angrily.

“Ok, I agreed. Just let me grab my shoes and I will come out. Ok?”

She nodded and I quickly slipped on sandals, and closed the door behind me. I quietly
sat next to her and began to speak. I noted the small smile on her face when I told her
of my dreams, glossing over the more violent ones and how I believed she was my
soul mate. I thought I saw understanding as I explained how lonely I have been. I en-
dured the shocked look as I explained how in desperation, I had called for the ser-
vices of a call girl. Then the seething rage as it occurred to DJ exactly who and what I
had mistook her for. It was past seven and pitch black outside when all was said and
done. DJ sat stiffly next to me, as she considered all that she had been told.

Talk about a bad start I thought disgustedly.

DJ stood as if to go and I stood with her holding my breath. “I need to go. I have to
be up early tomorrow.” She said quietly.

“May I walk you to your car?” I asked meekly.

She nodded grudgingly and I walked with her for about half a block before we
reached the van. In answer to my inquiry, DJ explained that she had had another call
at the house that the van now sat in front of. Since it had only been a half a block
away from my house, she had decided to walk instead of driving such a sort distance.

My heart was wedged firmly in my throat as DJ climbed into the van and shut the
door firmly behind her. Gathering my courage, I walked up to the van as she started
the engine and knocked on the window. She hesitated, and then rolled it down half
way.

“Will I see you again?”

DJ shrugged and finally looked at me. The emerald eyes that I had been able to read
so easily earlier today were now impenetrable. I felt as though I had already lost. So I
nodded and turned away as she pulled off. You would think I would have cried at the
loss of my soulmate, but I did not. I didn’t shed a tear. I had nothing left to give. I
was empty.

The next three weeks were the hardest of my life. I threw myself into my new job.
Leaving my home at 5:00 AM and returning sometimes as late as 10:00 PM, only to
repeat the same schedule the next day. It was on one such night that I dragged my
tired body up the dimly lit pathway to my front door. Maybe tonight I will sleep
without the nightmares, I thought hopefully. I was nearly on top of her before I even
realized she was sitting on my front porch. I stood stock still in front of her not know-
ing what to say. She spoke first.

“You look like shit.”

I nod in agreement. I stared down at her brown work boots as she looked at my
wrinkled suit and red-rimmed eyes. I endured what I thought was an eternity long in-
spection but was probably only seconds.

“I am willing to talk if you want.”

“Thank you,” I replied quietly.

“Here,” she commanded. “Sit down before you fall down.” She patted the stair next
to her and I sat gratefully down, then moved a bit further away as I saw her body
stiffen and a tremor passed through it at my close proximity. My own gut clenched,
but I forced myself to relax. She was here and that in its self was a start.

We sat in my entryway with our backs up against my front door in almost compan-
ionable silence. DJ was the first one to break the silence.

“You’ve lost weight. It doesn’t look good on you.”

“I know.”

“You look like you haven’t had much sleep either. Do you always have to work so
late?”

“No, it helps me to get to sleep without having the nightmares if I am really tired.” I
answered honestly.

“You called them dreams before, now you call them nightmares?”

I opened my mouth to answer and closed it quickly. How can I tell her that the
dreams had forsaken me when she had left my life? My nights are filled with the
nightmare of what I had almost done to her because of my own stupidity. I leaned
back against the door and looked up at the unusually clear Seattle night sky. She did
not pursue an answer and I did not offer one.
We sat there for another fifteen minutes before she stood up and announced that it
was getting late and she should head home.

“Promise me I’ll see you again?”

“Yeah, I’ll be back.” Then without looking back she hopped into her van and drove
away.

I let go of the breath I didn’t know I had been holding and entered my dark house.

DJ kept her promise. For the next week and a half I would come home to find her
waiting for me on my front entryway. As was now our routine, I would sit down next
to her on my front porch, making sure to leave enough space between us. Our conver-
sations were not heavy. They usually consisted of what had gone on in both of our
workdays as well as what I had eaten. DJ had insisted that I try to put back on some
of the weight that I had lost. She said I looked like one of those waif like models that
are SUPPOSED to be so beautiful. That had broken some of the tension between us
as we both cracked up at the idea of me as a model.

Thursday evening I pulled into my driveway with a sinking feeling in my stomach. I

hadn’t seen DJ’s van in front of my house or anywhere on the street.

I sat on my porch and waited for her until ten o’clock before reluctantly getting up
and going inside. I walked straight to my room and lay across my bed wondering
what had happen to her tonight.

Friday DJ’s van was again nowhere to be found. I entered my house and dropped
down on my couch my head in my hands. I jumped as my phone rang. I stood up
tiredly to answer it.

“Hello.”
“Hey.”

“DJ?”

“You were expecting someone else?” She teased.

“Yes, I mean no. I don’t remember giving you my phone number.”

“Well, contrary to popular belief, I really do work for the Phone Company you
know.” She drawled. “Didn’t you get the messages that I left yesterday?”

I looked eagerly at my answering machine and noted the three messages on it.

“No, I didn’t get in until ten. I guess I forgot to check it.”

“Working late again I see.” She teased. “It’s a good thing I didn’t come by. I would
have been thoroughly miffed if I would have had to wait for you until ten.”

“I didn’t work late. I was waiting for you.” I admitted.

“What do you mean?”

“I waited for you outside. That’s why I didn’t get in until ten…I thought you might
just be running late and I didn’t know if you would want to knock or anything.”
“Oh,” she paused as if contemplating her answer to me. “I did call you know.”

“It didn’t occur to me that you had my number,” I explained quietly.

“Well then, since I have you on the line, I was wondering if you would like to catch a
movie down at the Cineplex tomorrow. Then maybe dinner afterward?”

“That would be great.”

“Ok dress casually and I’ll pick you up around six o’clock.”

I actually was able to relax during the Harrison Ford movie and DJ didn’t seem to
mind how close we had to sit in the cramped theater seats. After the movie, we went
to a nice seafood restaurant right off of the water. We enjoyed a great dinner and both
of us seemed to be more comfortable with each other. Walking towards my front
door, I couldn’t help feel disappointed that the night was ending. I turned to DJ and
thanked her for asking me out.

“You can ask me in if you want, Jenna.”

“Are you sure you’re comfortable DJ? I mean we can just sit here if you want.”

“I’m sure.”

So I opened the door and allowed her to enter the house in front of me.
“Wow, you have done a great job with this place. It looks totally different.”

“Thank you.”

“Can I get you anything?” I asked nervously. Not sure if I should sit next to her on
the couch or on the chair across from her.

“No, I am fine. Come sit down Jenna.”

I sat down making sure to leave her as much space as I could.

She looked at me and smiled. I tried to smile back, but I’m not sure how successful I
was.

“This has been hard for you too, hasn’t it?”

I didn’t confirm or deny her statement. I just sat rigidly waiting for her to go on. I had
a feeling that we were reaching an important junction in our tumultuous relationship.
I decided it would be best for me to just listen.

“I want you to know that I want to move past this. I can’t help the way I feel about
what happened. Even though I know now that it wasn’t intentional, it still scared me.”

I nodded. Keeping my head down and waiting for the other shoe to drop. I felt the
couch shift as she turned sideways to look at me as she spoke.

“Jenna, can you let me work through this my way? I want to move forward with our
relationship, but I need to feel like I am in control. I need to take things slowly. But I
will tell you right now that when I say no, I am not playing any games with you, I
mean no. Do you understand?” She asked sternly.

I nodded again.

“Jenna, would you look at me please?” She grabbed my chin to make me look at her.
Then rubbing away the tears that I could not keep from pouring down my cheeks as
she was speaking.

“Tell me why you’re crying?”

“Because you think you need to tell me that no… means no. I wish I could take it all
back. I wish it had never happened, but I can’t.” I was mortified that I was crying in
front of her. I had not cried before, even on the day that all of this started. Now I was
not only crying, but in front of her no less.

I tried to turn away, but she held fast to the sides of my face. I would have to touch
her hands or push her away to get away from her and I was unwilling to do either.
Even though we had been enjoying each other’s company, she still jumped when she
thought I was going to touch her. So I sat there and allowed the woman that I now re-
cognized as the love of my life watch me cry my heart out. And maybe she needed to
see it to know how remorseful I was, I don’t know. But I do know that she kissed me
for the first time since that hellish day. First gently on my watery eyes and then on
my cheeks and finally on my mouth. The kiss was not one of passion. This kiss was
meant to comfort both of us and for me it was like a balm to my badly damaged heart.

I allowed DJ to push me back on the couch and cover me with her body. I was still
careful to keep my hands at my side. Aware of the tremor that even now worked its
way through DJ’s body as she lay on top of me. Combing her hands through my hair,
she kissed me again and again until I calmed down. She massaged my scalp somehow
instinctively knowing that my head was aching. Her small hands moved to the back
of my neck and rubbed at the knots that they found there as well. DJ spoke to me that
night of her dreams and fears. Of what she wanted from our relationship and what she
specifically wanted from me. I would nod every so often to let her know that I under-
stood and she would kiss me gently and continue to talk about the different things
that were on her mind. I put my heart into her hands that night. I would have to trust
that she would not hurt me much as she had to do in allowing me to be in her life.

For three weeks DJ and I spent as much time as we could cuddling and telling each
other our dreams and wishes for the future. Sometimes our kisses would become
heated and as soon as DJ would ease away, I would do the same. She no longer
jumped when I approached her, but I was still very careful. The first night DJ made
love to me started out much as the others. We were lying together on my couch in
front of a fire. Her in a pair of my boxers, me in my favorite cut off sweats. Her
kisses sent heat straight to my center as usual, but this time instead of just my face
she now began to kiss my neck as well. My body tensed.

“Relax.” She whispered.

As she continued to kiss my face and neck, her hands began roaming down the sides
of my body and over the waistband of my shorts. I moaned softly as her hips moved
slowly against mine. My breath caught in my throat as small hands nimbly found
their way under my T-shirt and grazed the sides of my breasts.

“Sit up.” She ordered.

I sat up and tried to help her remove my shirt, but she stilled my hands.

“No! You agreed to let me control this remember?”

I nodded and started to apologize, but she covered my lips with her own, then finally
pulled my shirt over my head. Pushing me back down on the couch, she removed my
shorts as well, leaving me naked under her gaze. I watched as she undressed in front
of me. I traced every part of her body with my eyes, but kept my hands firmly at my
sides. DJ’s hands worked my body into a frenzied state of arousal by refusing to rush
its explorations. When she finally grazed the dark curls that covered the evidence of
my arousal, I gasped and arched my hips uncontrollably against her. I moved my hips
in silent encouragement of what she was doing. Trapping one of my legs between
both of hers, she opened my legs and began to grind her own wet need against my
thigh. One of her fingers entered me, then withdrew to be replaced by two. My fin-
gers turned claw like as they gripped into the fabric of the couch. She took her time
with me that night making sure that I knew who was in control of the situation.
Slowly drawing out my pleasure until it was almost agonizing for me to continue. I
helped her as much as I could by lifting my leg and pressing into her wetness firmly.

She suddenly cried out desperately into my mouth, “Oh god, hold me baby please.”

With that I crushed her smaller body to my own. Thanking whatever gods had al-
lowed me to touch this woman again, I gratefully hung on as she bought us both to
unimaginable heights of passion then pushed us simultaneously over the edge to
drown in a sea of unbelievable pleasure and renewed hope.

It is hard to believe that it was only three years ago that I felt like my entire life had
ended because of a mistake that I had made. I would like to say that things were per-
fect after that, but it would be a lie. It was both the best and the worst time in my life.
It was a long time before either of us could put the past firmly behind us. Two years
ago, DJ became my wife in a ceremony in front of a few friends and family. In our
vows I thanked her for giving me the chance to realize my dreams with my soulmate.
I relive what we have gone through before we could reach this place of peace. While
my wife sleeps in our bed totally oblivious, I relive the pain that I caused her only a
few years before. I relive it because I don’t want to forget what a precious gift that
she has given to me. I will gladly spend the rest of my life thanking her for granting
me her forgiveness and then finally her trust.

With a sigh, I rise nude from the floor after making sure that the fire would die out of
its own accord, I close the fireplace enclosure and move to join my sleeping wife. I
am walking naked into my dimly lit bedroom. I can barely make out the small form
covered by a white down comforter. I stand at the end of the bed for a moment watch-
ing her sleep. Then I grab the bottom of the comforter and pull it off of the bed
slowly. She is naked and laying on her back. I open one of the drawers of my night-
stand and remove several silk scarves. First I tie her arms above her head to the head-
board. She will be able to get loose if she really wants to, but I knew she wouldn't
even try. Then I gently part her legs. She moans then smiles in her sleep. I smile in re-
turn, I know she is dreaming, and I know she is dreaming of me.
The End