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 編輯室的話
「遙望星空的詩句」

◎群星編輯室

「我寫這封信不是為了在你心裡埋下苦種，而是要拔除我心中的
怨尤。為了我自己，我也必須寬恕你。人不能永遠把毒蛇養在胸前，
也不能夜夜起身去培植園裡的荊棘。」
──奧斯卡．王爾德

為了守護自己的愛情，一個人可以付出多大的代價？一百多年
前，十九世紀的著名愛爾蘭文學家王爾德，就為了和同性友人波西的
戀情付出自己的聲名跟創作生命，從絢爛的舞台跌至谷底。

一八九五年，是王爾德創作生涯邁向巔峰，同時也是遭逢巨變、
跌落深淵的命運之年。這一年，《莎樂美》和《無足輕重的女人》相
繼出版，《理想丈夫》跟《不可兒戲》也分別在倫敦秣市皇家劇院跟
聖詹姆士戲院上演，王爾德擁有令人稱羨的財富和名望，跟幸福的妻
兒，正站在人生豐收的季節。然而王爾德和同性情人波西的戀情，卻
因為波西的父親，昆斯伯里侯爵以侮辱性的字句攻擊王爾德，在波西
的慫恿之下，王爾德怒告誹謗不成，反因以「嚴重猥褻罪」被判入獄
兩年加重勞役並宣告破產。王爾德失去了名聲、地位、幸福、自由和
財富，甚至他最疼愛的兒子的監護權，一夕之間從前程似錦的人生勝
利組，硬生生成了囚室中其中一個「沒有姓名的人」。

王爾德出生在愛爾蘭都柏林的顯赫家庭，是家中次子。父親威廉
王爾德（William Wilde）是著名的外科醫生，母親珍法蘭西絲卡
（Jane Franca Elgee）則是一名愛好文學的詩人和作家。王爾德自幼
在富裕的生活成長，十九歲時獲得牛津大學獎學金，因深受羅斯金
（John Ruskin）及佩特（Walter Pater）唯美主義的影響，成為美學
運動的領導人物。他辯才無礙的機智與流暢的文筆，表現在他豐富多
產的作品中，使得王爾德在世時已經是當時社會的大人物。由於同性
戀情在當時保守的英國維多利亞時代重視道統的氛圍裡仍被視為不體
面，甚至可以入罪，他和波西的愛情進而遭致全面性的圍剿和指控。

「就我的名聲所及，無論我走到哪裡，人們都認得出我和知道我
做的醜事。」王爾德的才華再洋溢，在道德之前，也無可避免成為被
社會公審的犯人。一個平凡的人在順遂時遭遇困境，也會感到徬徨無
助，何況是驟然失去能讓人仰望的一切的王爾德呢。

一八九七年一月開始王爾德在雷丁監獄給波西寫了一封長信，此
時距離王爾德入獄已將近兩年。王爾德在服刑期間，波西沒有一次來
探望過他，即使他們已有四年多的交往感情。王爾德終日在苦牢裡痛
苦煎熬，除了獨自面對內心的悔恨和譴責，還染上中耳炎和遭遇母
喪。所幸在出獄前幾個月，雷丁監獄來了新的典獄長，允許王爾德閱
讀和寫信給家人或律師。王爾德好不容易能透過書信抒發他累積多時
的悲憤心情，以將近二十頁印有監獄戳記的藍色對開紙，逐字寫下了
波西的控訴與想念，寫作時間長達三個月。

王爾德先是道盡自己為何入獄，並細數與波西之間的過往關係。
他指責波西是如何為他的名聲和錢財所著迷，還崇拜奢華又時常欠債
讓王爾德幫忙償還。王爾德意識到他們在知性和智識上的極大差距，
波西的形影不離也讓他幾乎沒辦法擁有自己的創作空間而到困擾。波
西的反覆無常和易怒，更常引起兩人情感緊繃，王爾德好幾次想分手
卻又忍不下心而復合，只把波西的種種缺點「當做為了更理解你而不
得不忍受的高昂代價。」然而波西在物質或情感上的需索無度並未消
減，仍像慾望的巨人般一步步擴大，將王爾德對波西的一再忍讓跟姑
息，最終吞噬了王爾德的一切。

信中的後半部，王爾德則談論了自己從悲傷學習到的意義和美，
他「意識到自己必須學會快樂，學會幸福」，也體認到「唯有通過痛
苦，我們才能感知自身的存在」。王爾德也提出自己的觀點，他將基
督視為世上最有想像力的人，因為基督對於世人的愛與同理心，也是
想像力的一種延伸形式。

信奉唯美主義的王爾德一直將想像力視為珍寶，他認為這是藝術
和愛情的來源，更是一切精神和物質生活的基礎。王爾德透過面對過
去找到新生的力量，也向波西喊話：「我寫這封信不是為了在你心裡
埋下苦種，而是要拔除我心中的怨尤。為了我自己，我也必須寬恕
你。人不能永遠把毒蛇養在胸前，也不能夜夜起身去培植園裡的荊
棘。」王爾德在信中最後寄託著出獄後跟波西重逢的，表達了他對波
西仍有愛意。

不過監獄並未幫忙寄出這封信，王爾德直到出獄之後才拿到原
稿，並將信交給摯友羅比（作為王爾德第一位同性戀人，也是一生的
摯友跟遺產囑託人）請他轉給波西。波西看過信後憤而撕毀。有趣的
是，羅比當時已經留下一個打印的副本。也許是平反王爾德的冤屈，
羅比在王爾德死後刪除對波西家族的部分文字後，以公開出版的方
式，將王爾德跟波西之間的過往關係，放諸在世人面前允以公評。因
為信件本身沒有主題，羅比引述舊約聖經詩篇一三○篇：「耶和華
啊，我從深淵向你求告。」作為原文書名，用來比擬王爾德在實體或
精神上的牢獄生活。波西本來想奪回羅比手上的副本，但羅比將其贈
給大英博物院，並附說明六十年內不得公開。一九一八年羅比去世前
將秘藏的原稿交給王爾德的次子維維安，維維安在一九四九年所有當
事人皆去世後，全文公開出版。但當時留下的副本有些許錯誤，二
○○○年修訂再版時，獄中記才得以完整版本重現於世。

王爾德為了守護自己的愛情，離開他安樂的花園，走向另一邊的
暗影。在判決初期，更久以前，即使王爾德自身感到痛苦，朋友們規
勸他離開波西，卻未曾令他真正放棄。他在最痛苦之時，仍可以對波
西說出：「儘管我不完美，不圓滿，你還是能夠從我這裡學到很多東
西。你可以從我這兒學到生命和藝術的歡娛，或許冥冥之中，上蒼選
中了我來教你更為奇妙的東西：悲傷的意義和它的美麗。」他甚至說
能毀滅他的只有自己，選擇在心中種滿愛，而非帶著仇恨出獄。那是
一種來自深淵，卻未被黑暗吞噬的希望之光。

我們可以說王爾德是愛情的傻子，但在愛情裡，誰又不是傻子
呢。他的真誠與愛，百年後的我們得以遙望星空中的詩句。儘管那是
悲傷與美的永恆絮語。
 01
來自深淵

我降生於世，原本是為著藝術而來。然而，我最譴責自己的是我
居然允許你將我帶往道德墮落的深淵！

雷丁監獄[1]

親愛的波西[2]：

在漫長無果的等待之後，我決定親自寫信給你。不只為了你，也
是為了我。我實在不願意想到，在我漫長的兩年監獄生活裡只有使我
痛苦的流言蜚語，卻收不到你捎來的任何訊息。

我們之間那段最不幸和可悲的友誼，已經以我的身敗名裂而結束
了。然而往日的親密友情還常伴隨我左右。一想到那些曾經充滿我整
個心靈的歡樂就要被不幸、厭惡和輕視所占據，我的內心就痛苦不
已。我想，你總有一天會發現當我在監獄裡孤獨無依的時候倒不如寫
一封信給我，總比不經我的允許就公開我的信件，或者寫給我一些莫
名其妙的詩歌更好一些。儘管這樣，無論你是選擇悲傷的還是激烈的
言辭來為自己辯護，或者以深深的愧疚或決然的冷漠來回應，世人都
將一無所知。
 毫無疑問，我在這封信談到關於你我的生活，關於過去和未來，
關於那些已經變得苦澀的甜蜜以及可能變得甜蜜的苦澀，都將會深深
地刺痛你那顆虛榮的心。如果我不幸言中，請你務必多讀讀這封信，
直到它完全消除你的虛榮心為止。如果你在我的信中發現自己蒙受了
不白之冤，那麼也請記住：你應該慶幸這個世上竟還真有一些清白能
夠使人蒙受這種不公的指控。如果這封信中有那麼一小段話能夠讓你
痛哭流涕，就像我們在監獄裡一樣日日夜夜都浸泡在淚水中悲泣。哭
泣，就是你唯一能夠得到救贖的方法。如果你非但沒有任何作為，反
而跑去你母親那裡發牢騷，就像上次我在給羅比[3]的信中指責你的時
候一樣，讓她哄你疼你，以致你又變回輕薄自負的狀態，那你就無藥
可救了。一旦你為自己找到一個藉口，成千上百個藉口也會隨之而
來。你仍然是那個自私傲慢的人，絲毫不會改變。你還那樣為自己辯
解嗎？就像你回答羅比時說的那樣：是我「灌輸了荒唐的動機」給
你？唉，你的人生根本沒有動機可言，你所擁有的僅僅是玩樂的貪欲
而已。動機是一種理智的生活目標，你卻沒有這樣的知性。該不會你
會說我們的友誼開始的時候你還「太年輕」？實際上，你的問題不是
對生活了解得太少，反而是懂得太多了。你早已將少男晨曦般清新、
鮮花般精緻、陽光般純潔的光芒，以及那些純真的歡樂和希望遠遠拋
在身後了，你過早地揮霍了浪漫的青春時光，陷入了現實的泥沼。臭
水溝般的貪欲讓你深陷其中。這就是你當初找上麻煩向我求助的原
因，而我卻愚蠢地失去了理智，憑著憐憫和善意給了你大量的金錢供
你揮霍。你一定得好好讀讀這封信，儘管這裡面的一字一句都會像外
科醫生的刀子一樣刺進你嬌嫩的皮膚，使你流血痛哭。要知道，諸神
眼中的傻子和世人眼中的傻子是不一樣的。即便一個不知道藝術演進
和思想進步的種種狀態，不懂得欣賞拉丁詩歌的壯美和母音化希臘語
豐美的音樂感，不懂得欣賞托斯卡尼雕像和伊莉莎白時代歌曲的人，
仍然可以是一個充滿智慧的人。真正的傻子，那些被諸神鄙棄的人，
是那些看不清自己的人。我自己有很長一段時間是這種人，你也當了
這樣的傻子太久了。我們不要再做這樣的傻子了吧！別害怕改變，因
為最大的邪惡莫過於淺薄無知。只要你認識到這一點就有可能往好的
一面發展。你要知道，信中任何使你覺得痛苦的話語，寫下這些文字
的我只會比你加倍難受。對於你來說，老天已經夠慈悲了，祂讓你看
到生活中奇異和悲慘的一面，卻不央求你為此付出代價。就像從水晶
球中看到的陰影。你得以在鏡子中一睹美杜莎的真貌，而不需要冒著
被變成石頭的風險[4]。如今的你依然自由地漫步在花叢中，而我，在
這個世上的所有歡愉都被無情地剝奪了。

首先我要告訴你，我是如此深深地譴責自己。我這個名譽掃地、
被世人拋棄的罪人，穿著囚服獨坐在陰暗的牢房裡正在譴責自己。每
一個不安失眠的黑夜，每一個單調漫長的白晝，我都在深深地、煎熬
地譴責自己。我譴責自己不該開始這一段荒唐的友誼，不該讓這種不
是為了創造美麗事物的關係完全支配我的人生。從一開始我們之間就
相差甚遠：你中學時的荒淫度日，大學裡更有過之無不及。你沒有意
識到，作為一個藝術家，尤其是像我這樣的藝術家，因為作品的品質
取決於個人特質的強烈程度，在創作的過程中非常需要思想上的默契
和理智上的平靜和安寧。你為我那些已經完成的作品感到讚嘆，只因
為你喜歡首演之夜帶來的成功輝煌，以及接下來的奢靡慶功宴。你自
然而然地以作為一個傑出藝術家的密友感到驕傲，但是你不會了解這
些藝術作品需要什麼樣的創作環境。當我提醒你說在我們相處的全部
時間裡，我一個字都寫不出來，這絲毫沒有任何誇張，因為確確實實
是這樣的。不論是在托基[5]、戈靈[6]、倫敦、佛羅倫斯還是任何地
方，只要你在我身邊，我便才思枯竭，完全沒有創造力。很遺憾地
說，除了少數幾個時刻，那段時間你幾乎從來沒有離開過我。

比如說有一次（這僅僅是許多例子中的一個），我記得是在一八
九三年九月，為了可以專心寫作，我自己住了一套房子。那時我曾答
應幫霍爾[7]寫一個劇本，但是我沒有按時完成，當時他正在催我完
稿。頭一星期你沒有來找我。因為我對你翻譯的《莎樂美》[8]的藝術
價值發生了一些爭執，這其實是再正常不過的事情了，而你卻因此給
我寫了一些愚蠢的信，還因此洋洋得意。那一個星期裡我完成了《理
想丈夫》[9]第一幕，然而第二個星期你又來了，我的創作就只能擱置
了。每天上午十一點半我都會去聖詹姆斯旅館，以便避開家庭瑣事的
打擾，心無旁騖地思考和寫作。但是這種嘗試是徒勞的，因為每到十
二點你就來了，待在我的房間裡抽菸聊天直到一點半，我只好帶你去
皇家咖啡廳或者伯克利餐廳吃午餐。午餐加甜酒總是一吃就吃到下午
三點半。之後你去懷特俱樂部[10]待一個小時。下午茶時間你又來了，
然後一直待到晚餐時間。我們一起去薩瓦或是泰特街吃飯，直到午夜
你才會從我身邊離開。這成了一個慣例，好像威利斯餐廳[11]的晚宴不
通宵達旦就不能結束一樣。這就是我那三個月期間的生活，除了你出
國的那四天，每一天都是如此度過。當然，隨後我還得去加萊[12]把你
接回來。對像我這樣性格的人來說，真是既荒誕又可悲。

你現在總該意識到這一點了吧？你應該知道你缺乏獨處的能力，
你的天性如此迫切地要求得到別人的關心和陪伴，甚至缺乏任何集中
思考的能力。多不幸的偶然！我這樣說，是因為我希望你以後不再是
這樣了，然而你確實還沒有在智識方面養成「牛津氣質」。我的意思
是，你永遠也不能夠成為一個優雅有分寸能估量思想的人，你所能做
的，僅僅是粗暴地發表個人見解。再加上你的全部興趣只在於生活而
不是藝術，這不但阻礙了你在文化素養上的提升，也毀掉了我投入藝
術的創作能量。因此，當我把我們的友誼拿來與我和那些比你還年輕
的人蓋瑞和路易士之間的情誼相比的時候，便自覺羞愧。我真正的生
活以及層次更為高尚的生活，只有和他們以及像他們那樣的人在一起
的時候才得以實現。

我現在先不說我們的友誼帶來哪些可怕的後果，我只想談談它在
我們交往期間的本質。對於我來說，與你交往就是我思想墮落的開
始！也許你身上有種藝術家的朦朧氣質，但也許我們的相遇不是太晚
就是太早了。每當你一離開我就能恢復正常的創作。有一次，也就是
我一再提起的那年的十二月初，我成功地勸說你母親將你送出英國，
我才有機會重新編織我那張已經支離破碎的想像之網，回歸自己原本
的生活。那段時間，我不僅完成了《理想丈夫》剩下的三幕，還構思
並幾乎完成了另外兩部不同類型的戲劇：《佛羅倫斯悲劇》和《聖
妓》。但是突然間你又再次不請自來，在那個對於我的幸福來說至關
重要的時刻，你重新回到了我的生活裡。這兩部戲劇餘下的部分非常
不完美，但是我已無力重拾心緒，一旦那種創作激情消失就再也找不
回來了。如今，你也出版了一卷詩集，我想你應該能夠理解這種情
況。不管你能不能理解這一點，這都是我們的友誼當中最可怕的事
實：當你和我在一起的時候，你能完全毀掉我的藝術！而我也因自己
居然能夠允許你站在藝術和我自己之間橫加干涉，而深深地譴責我自
己。你不可能知道，你不可能理解，你也不可能領會。我也根本不指
望你能夠體諒。你的全部興趣都集中在你的餐桌和小情緒上，你所追
求的激情不過是些庸俗的享樂，甚至比庸俗還要不堪，僅僅是些低級
的尋歡作樂。這些就是你的天性所需，或者僅僅為了一時歡愉所需。
我早就應該禁止你未經邀請便來我家或者進入我的創作空間。現在，
我完完全全地譴責自己的軟弱，這一切都是由我的軟弱心性造成的。
哪怕有半個小時的時間，讓我和我的藝術待在一起，也勝過和你整日
廝混。在我人生的任何一個階段，任何東西和藝術相比都是微不足道
的。對於一個藝術家來說，如果軟弱能使他的想像力癱瘓，那麼軟弱
便不亞於犯罪。

我還要怪我自己居然允許你揮霍到讓我徹底破產至名譽掃地。我
記得一八九二年十月初的某個早晨，我和令堂一起坐在布萊克奈爾的
黃葉林裡聊天。當時我對你的本性還一無所知，儘管在牛津的時候，
我們曾從週六待到週一，而你也來克勞默和我一起打了十天的高爾夫
球。當我們自然而然在談天中聊到你時，你的母親談到你的性格有兩
個主要的缺點，一個是虛榮，另一個用她的話來說就是「對金錢有著
完全錯誤的看法」。我到現在還記得我當時笑得有多厲害。那時的我
怎麼能知道你的第一個缺點日後將會讓我身陷囹圄，而第二個缺點將
導致我完全破產。我當時以為虛榮心如同是年輕男孩胸前佩戴的雅致
花朵，而揮霍錢財也不過就是鋪張的行為而已。何況節儉審慎的美德
原也不符合我的本性。但是，與你繼續交往不到一個月之後，我終於
明白你母親話中的真正含義：你所要求的是一種揮霍無度的奢侈生
活。你對金錢的需求無休無止，要求我負擔你尋歡作樂的一切花費，
不管我是否在場。這些行為時常讓我陷入經濟困境。隨著你越來越強
烈地控制我的生活，我越來越無法忍受你那種單調的趣味，因為你只
會把錢花在吃喝玩樂之類的事情上。餐桌時不時地被美酒和玫瑰裝
點，當然是一件賞心悅目的事情，但是你卻完全敗壞了這種情趣。你
不知羞愧地向我索取金錢，還理所當然地接受這樣的供養生活。慢慢
地，你甚至覺得你有權要求我負擔你一切生活費用，以及為你還沒有
習慣的奢侈行為買單。你的胃口越來越大變得欲壑難填，以致到最後
你在阿爾及爾賭場輸了錢，乾脆在第二天早上發電報給我，讓我從倫
敦寄錢過去償還賭債，卻當作這件事沒發生過一樣。

我現在告訴你，從一八九二年秋天到我被捕的期間，我為你花掉
的錢已經超過五千英鎊，而這還不算我欠的債。這樣你該明白你要求
的是種什麼生活了吧？你覺得很誇張是不是？我們在倫敦的時候，一
天就要花十二到二十英鎊：午餐、正餐、宵夜、娛樂、馬車以及其他
花費。一週下來自然就要花八十到一百三十英鎊。光我們在戈靈三個
月就花掉了一千三百四十英鎊（包括房租在內），我就是這樣和我的
破產管理人一項一項回憶我的支出的。太可怕了！當時的你不可能理
解「簡樸的生活、高尚的思想」的理念，但是那種奢侈至極的生活對
於我們兩個人來說都是一種人生中的汙點羞愧！我記得最美妙的晚餐
是和羅比在蘇活的一家小餐廳享用，那頓飯花費的先令數，和你在一
起吃飯花費的英鎊數差不多。那次晚餐是我人生中第一次、也是最美
好的一次談話，談論的思想、主題、表述方式、氛圍，一切這些美妙
的東西，都來自於一頓價值三法郎半的便飯。回想起我們一起吃過那
些昂貴的晚餐，除了過度飽膩，竟沒有任何美好的回憶。

我一次次縱容你的貪欲最終也害了你，現在你總該明白了吧。我
的忍讓除了讓你更加索求無度，也對我越來越粗魯蠻橫。大多時候請
你吃飯，我既感覺不到快樂，也毫無榮幸可言。你不知感恩，我不是
要你對我說謝謝，這種客套用語只會讓朋友變得生疏。我只想在和你
吃飯的時候，感受一點親密優雅的情誼，和你進行「愉快的談話」，
就像希臘人說的那樣，所有這些謙恭能夠給生活增添樂趣並更加可
愛，就像音樂能夠用美妙的旋律和動人的歌聲填充冷漠生硬的空間一
樣。也許你會覺得可笑，像我這樣的一個囚犯還能區別出一種羞愧和
另一種羞愧之間的不同麼？我老實告訴你，為你一擲千金，讓你揮霍
我的財產，既害人又害己，為這種庸俗之事破產讓我覺得加倍羞愧！
我降生於世，原本是為著藝術而來。

然而，我最譴責自己的是我居然允許你將我帶往道德墮落的深
淵！意志是一個人人格的基礎，而我的意志卻完全屈從於你！說起來
很可笑，但這卻是千真萬確的事情。你長期浸淫在肉體享樂之中，讓
你的精神扭曲和身體頹敗最後令人望而生厭：你遺傳了令尊的躁狂，
驅使你不停瘋狂寫下令人作嘔的信件；你絲毫不能控制自己的情緒，
有時幽怨寡歡一言不發，有時又突然發狂，怒不可遏。你的所有這些
病態，我都在那些信中給你指出過（信大概被你隨手丟在薩瓦或者其
他某個旅館裡，最終都成了我的罪證，被令尊的律師拿到法庭上展
示）。在那封信裡我苦苦哀求你改掉這些毛病，因為這正是我對你越
來越多的要求，一味屈從而最終導致人格毀滅的根源。你的這些小性
格能毀掉一個人，這就是弱者的暴政，小性格能夠毀滅大人物，我曾
在一個劇本裡將這種暴政稱為「唯一歷久不衰的暴政」[13]。

人與人之間總有某種「相處方式[14]」，可和你在一起要麼完全聽
命於你，要麼就是完全放棄你，除此之外沒有其他選擇。我對你的屈
從註定不能避免。因為我在你的身上寄託太多不該寄託的深愛，因為
對你頑劣天性的過分憐愛，因為我眾所周知的好脾氣和血液裡凱爾特
人的懶散氣質，因為藝術家對惡言爭吵的天生反感，因為當時的我無
力承受任何怨恨，也因為我不願為一點小事給生活帶來任何苦澀和不
快。那時的我還在專注於別的事情，因此我以為你的胡鬧不過是一時
興起，無傷大雅。正是這些看似簡單的原因，使我一直縱容你的脾
氣。自然而然地，你的胃口越來越大，你對我的控制也越來越蠻橫無
理。久而久之，連你那些最卑鄙的想法、最低級的趣味和最庸俗的感
情都成了支配別人生活的法律，甚至要求別人為之無償地作出犧牲。
因為知道只要大鬧一番就能得逞，自然你無所不用其極地撒潑耍賴，
我敢說你這樣做幾乎是無意識的。到最後，你都不知道自己汲汲營營
在追求什麼，也不會明白自己的人生目的。在攫取完我的才華、意志
力和財富之後，你的貪欲還在盲目膨脹，居然想要完全占有我的生
活。最後你也得逞了。就在我整個人生最關鍵也最悲劇的時期，在我
開始可悲地採取荒唐行動之前，你和令尊對我左右夾擊：他在我的俱
樂部留下一張惡毒的卡片[15]抨擊我，而你也用同樣惡毒的語言寫信譴
責我。在我任由你帶我一起去警察局申請可笑的拘捕令以便逮捕令尊
的那天早上，我收到的那封信，是你所有信中最惡毒一封，你寫信的
理由也極其無恥。夾在你們父子之間，我完全不知如何是好，我的判
斷力遁逃無影，腦子裡只有恐懼。老實說，在你們的夾攻之下，我無
路可逃，就像一頭被拉向屠宰場的牛。我過高地估計了自己的心理素
質。我原來以為在小事上遷就你並無傷大雅，一旦遇到大事，我的意
志力自然能重新主宰自己，然而事實並非如此。事到臨頭之際，我的
意志完全消逝無蹤。生活中其實沒有大小之分，每件事對於個人的意
志力來說都有同樣的分量。那種處處遷就你的不良習慣，儘管一開始
是由於自己對瑣事漠不關心而養成的，卻在不知不覺中成了我真實性
格的一部分。我毫不自知，這種習慣卻已變成一種永恆和致命的性
格，成為我人格的一部分。這就是為什麼佩特[16]會以「失敗始於壞習
慣形成之時」這句精妙的話作為其散文集第一版的結語。當佩特說出
這句話的時候，那些牛津的書呆子們還以為這句話只不過是亞里斯多
德的《倫理學》中的巧妙改寫而已，卻不曉得這句話裡隱含著一條既
奇妙又可怕的真理。我曾允許你榨取我的人格力量，養成這種處處遷
就的習慣，給我帶來的不僅是失敗，更是徹底的毀滅。你在道德上帶
給我的殺傷力，更甚於對我藝術天賦的糟蹋。
1. 一八九五年五月，王爾德被以「嚴重猥褻罪」判刑兩年加重勞役，歷經多次轉
獄，十一月轉到雷丁監獄（Reading Gaol），一八九七年五月出獄。獄中信寫
於一八九七年一至三月。
2. 波西（Bosie），阿爾弗萊德．道格拉斯勳爵（Lord A lfred Douglas, 1870-
1945）的小名。一八九一年與已婚的王爾德結識並交往，慫恿王爾德以誹謗罪
起訴父親昆斯伯里侯爵（The Marquess of Queensberry, 1844-1900），間接
導致王爾德的入獄和破產。
3. 即羅伯特．羅斯（Robert Baldwin Ross, 1869-1918），一八八六年與王爾德
結識，是王爾德的第一個同性伴侶，也是王爾德一生的摯友。
4. 美杜莎（Medusa），希臘神話中蛇髮三女怪之一，任何人只要看她一眼，就
會變成一塊石頭。
5. 托基（Torquay），英國英格蘭西南部的海濱城鎮。
6. 戈靈（Goring），英國英格蘭東南部的市鎮。
7. 霍爾（John Hare, 1844-1921），英國演員。
8. 《莎樂美》（Salomé），王爾德於一八九三年用法文創作的劇本。波西將其翻
譯成英文。
9. 《理想丈夫》（An Ideal Husband），王爾德最著名的諷刺喜劇之一，一八九
五年倫敦首演。
10. 懷特俱樂部（White's），當時倫敦一個豪華的男子俱樂部。
11. 威利斯餐廳（Willis's Rooms），因舉辦貴族舞會而聞名。
12. 加萊（Calais），法國北部城市。
13. 出自《無足輕重的女人》（A Woman of No Importance）。
14. 原文為法語moyen de vivre，指相處模式。
15. 一八九五年二月二十八日，王爾德發現昆斯伯里侯爵在阿爾伯馬爾俱樂部
（Albemarle Club）留給他的卡片：致王爾德，那個裝模作樣的雞姦者（For
Oscar Wilde posing as a somdomite，Sodomite錯拼成Somdomite，當時英語
中尚未有同性戀一詞）。
16. 佩特（Walter Pater, 1839-1894），英國文藝批評家、散文作家，主張「為藝
術而藝術」。
 02
悲哀交響曲

不管我的人生，曾在我自己和別人眼裡呈現什麼樣的面貌，對於
如今的我來說，它就像是一首徹頭徹尾的「悲哀交響曲」，一樂
章一樂章地隨著節奏向不可避免的悲劇結局推進。

拘捕令批准之後，你就理所當然地指揮一切。那時，我本應留在
倫敦聽取律師的忠告，冷靜地思考一下我是如何讓自己陷入這個可怕
的圈套。令尊直到現在還說這是門上拴了棍子等我進去。然而你卻硬
要我帶你去蒙特卡羅[1]！蒙特卡羅，這個世界上最令人反感的地方。
你在那裡賭得昏天黑地，只要賭場不關門就不罷手。我對賭博絲毫提
不起興趣，只好在賭場外面等你。你只顧賭錢，哪怕只有五分鐘，也
不願意花時間和我討論一下你們父子倆所帶給我的尷尬困境。我唯一
的工作就是替你付住宿費跟還賭債。只要一和你提起我面臨的嚴峻處
境，你就不耐煩。還不如別人推薦給你的新香檳更能引起你的興趣。

我們一回到倫敦，那些真正關心我的朋友就勸我到國外暫避，不
要去打一場毫無勝算的官司。你卻說他們用心險惡，只有膽小鬼才會
聽從他們的意見。你逼我留下來厚著臉皮應付，如果有需要就編些荒
唐的謊話作偽證。結果自然是我進了監獄，令尊卻成為時代的英雄。
何止是英雄，你的家族簡直都與諸神平起平坐了。彷彿歷史上那種哥
德式的古怪事件，克利歐[2]變成了所有繆斯女神中最不正經的一個，
你的父親卻能藉此永存在主日學校裡那些單純的父母心中。你變成了
無辜的少年撒母耳[3]，而我罪有應得，只好在地獄裡煎熬，與雷斯[4]
和薩德[5]的敗類為伍。

當然，我早該把你甩掉，就像是甩掉衣服裡一根紮人的刺一樣，
將你遠遠甩出我的生活。埃斯庫羅斯[6]一齣頗負盛名的戲劇中就曾講
過一個類似的故事，一位大公把一頭幼獅領回家餵養，小獅子乖巧可
愛，大公對它寵愛有加。大公一叫，牠就閃著眼睛跑過來，要東西吃
的時候則會搖著尾巴諂媚。但是小獅長大了就顯露本性，把大公連同
他的家庭和財產都給毀了。我就是一個愚蠢的大公，不過我的問題不
是捨不得和你分手，而是和你分手的次數實在過於頻繁。照我算來，
幾乎每三個月我就和你分手一次，而你每次都會使用各種手段來阻
止，不是苦苦哀求我，透過寫信或發電報請求原諒，就是找我們的朋
友說情。一八九三年三月底，在你離開我在托基的家後，我就發誓再
也不會和你講一句話了，決計永遠都不再和你在一起，因為你前一天
晚上鬧得實在太過分。你從布里斯托爾又是發電報又是寫信求我原
諒，你的導師也為你說話，他當時還沒離開我家，還幫忙說你有時不
能為自己的言行負責。莫德林學院的人，即便不是全部也是大多數人
都這樣為你求情。我只好同意見你一面，當然也原諒了你。在回城的
路上，你請求我帶你去薩瓦伊，那一趟又是要命的讓步。

三個月之後的六月，我們在戈靈的時候你在牛津的朋友來拜訪，
從週六待到週一。他們離開的那天上午，你又開始胡鬧，因為太讓我
傷心了，我只好再次提出我們必須分手。我清楚地記得，我們兩個站
在平坦的槌球場上，周圍是漂亮的草坪，我對你說我們兩個是在相互
作踐，你糟蹋了我的生活，而我也沒有為你帶來真正的幸福，只有一
刀兩斷才是上策。午飯後你悶悶不樂地走了，寫了一封言辭惡毒的信
讓管家在你走後交給我。可是不到三天，你就從倫敦發電報來求我原
諒你並讓你回來。我租那個房子就是為了取悅你，又按照你的意思雇
了傭人。可是我不但總被你的壞脾氣害慘，你也因此吃盡吵架後的苦
頭。我心裡仍喜歡你，就又答應讓你回來，並再次原諒了你。然而三
個月之後的九月你又舊病復發，源於我指出你在翻譯《莎樂美》的時
候所犯的初級錯誤，現在想必你的法語已經相當不錯了吧，你總能看
出來那時的翻譯既達不到一個普通牛津學生的身分，也遠遠達不到原
著的水準。你當時自然不能理解，在你寫給我的一封信中，你言辭激
烈，聲稱你對我沒有「任何智識上的義務」可言。記得我讀到這句話
的時候，我覺得這是我們整個交往過程中，你對我說過唯一真實的一
句話。我認為，你和一個個性輕浮的人在一起會更合適一些。我說這
話並無任何惡意，僅僅是說出和你交往的事實而已。說到底，無論是
婚姻還是友誼，一切人際交往的紐帶都立足於交談之上，而交談是需
要共同語言的。兩個文化修養差距較大的人在一起，他們之間的共同
語言就只能是低層次的。正是思想和行為的精妙之處才能吸引人們相
互交流，這是我睿智的哲學基石，通過劇本和精妙的弔詭語言表現出
來。我們之間的瑣碎空談常讓我倒盡胃口，只有「泥沼」才能讓我們
融合在一起。有時你也會圍繞一個有趣的話題侃侃而談，但是再引人
入勝的話題經過你一再重複最後都會變得單調乏味。我常常被你煩得
要命，但我還是接受了，就像我接受你去音樂廳的狂熱，接受你大吃
大喝鋪張浪費的癖好，或者接受你身上其他的那些缺點一樣。我把它
當做為了更理解你而不得不忍受的高昂代價。

離開戈靈之後，我到迪納德待了半個月。你又因為我沒有帶你而
氣憤不已，臨走前在阿爾伯瑪律旅館又鬧了幾場，還在我暫住的鄉村
旅館發了幾封同樣令人心煩的電報。我記得我曾跟你說過，你整個夏
天都在外面遊蕩，應該回去看看你的父母。坦白地告訴你，我一刻都
不想和你再多待一塊了。我們已經共處三個月，我需要休息，需要從
你的糾纏中逃脫出來。我需要一個人獨處一陣子，這是心智上的需
要。我承認從之前我引用的那封信中，我找到了一個很好的機會，可
以用一種沒有怨恨的方式來結束我們這段突然冒出來的要命友誼。這
正是我三個月前，在六月的那個陽光明媚的早上想要做的事情。但這
時卻有人出面為你求情（我必須承認這個人是我的朋友，你有困難的
時候也曾去找過他）他告訴我，如果我把你的譯作像對待小學生的作
業一樣打回去，他會非常傷心，甚至無地自容；還說我對你的學識要
求過高，還說無論你犯了多嚴重的錯誤，你都是全心全意為了我好。
你在文學道路上才剛剛起步，我不想當第一個潑你冷水或讓你洩氣的
人。我非常清楚，除非詩人來翻譯《莎樂美》，否則絕不能夠精準地
傳達出我作品中的色彩和韻律。「犧牲奉獻」對於我來說，無論過去
還是現在都是一種美德，不能夠輕易丟棄，因此我重新接受了你，也
接受了你的譯作。

不長不短，又是三個月之後。你一場接一場胡鬧，最後鬧得不可
收拾。在週一晚上，你甚至帶了兩個朋友到我的房間裡胡鬧，我忍無
可忍，第二天早上飛也似地逃出去，編了個荒唐的理由解釋我的倉促
離去。我留給男僕假地址，就是怕你隨後趕過來找我。那天下午我坐
在開往巴黎的火車上，想著自己的生活怎麼會陷入如此糟糕透頂的境
地。我堂堂一個名滿世界的藝術家，居然這樣倉皇逃出自己的國家，
就為了甩掉一段將我身上所有的美好心智和道德徹底毀滅的友誼！而
這個我迫不及待想要擺脫的人，這個我同他糾纏了這麼久的人，他不
是從蠻荒之地跳進文明世界的怪物，而正是閣下！你是這樣一個年輕
人，擁有和我相同的社會階層，和我一樣進入牛津大學，甚至成為我
家的座上常客。就像往常一樣，你又發來那些充滿哀求悔恨的電報。
我看也不看。最後你威脅說如果我不答應見你，你就絕不去埃及。我
曾跟你商量好，親自去求令堂將你送去埃及，因為你留在倫敦只會毀
了自己。我知道，如果你不去埃及，她一定非常失望，因此看在你母
親的分上，我去見了你，之後舊情復燃，我也把過去的一切都忘了，
儘管對於將來的安排我隻字不提。

回到倫敦的第二天，我坐在家裡，悲哀又嚴肅地試圖弄清你是不
是真的像我看到的那樣全是可怕的缺點，對人對己都只是個禍害，不
僅和你相處或者僅僅只是相識都會受到傷害。接下來的一個星期，我
都在想究竟會不會是我錯怪或冤枉你了。後來我收到了令堂的來信，
信中徹底印證了我對你的任何一種想像。她提到你那盲目自大的虛榮
心使得你看不起自己的家人，你認為自己的兄長是「市井小人」。她
也提到你的脾氣，她不敢和你討論你的生活，儘管她感覺到也知道你
過著什麼樣的生活。提到你揮霍金錢這件事，她感到十分憂心，還提
到你的變化和墮落。當然，她也知道你從令尊那裡遺傳來的可怕性格
為你帶來很大的負擔，她坦率但心懷恐懼地認為你是她所有孩子中
「唯一一個遺傳了道格拉斯家致命性格的」。她就是這樣在信裡說起
你的。在信的最後，她覺得有必要坦言地說她認為你和我的友誼，大
大助長了你的虛榮心，以至於你所有的過錯都來源於此，因此她真切
地懇求我千萬不要去國外找你。我馬上回信給她，說我完全同意她所
說的每一句話，此外還加了一些別的話語，把能說的都說了。我說我
們最初交往是因為你在牛津讀書的時候，由於你個人遇到一些棘手的
問題來找我幫忙。我告訴她諸如此類的問題會一直不斷地出現在你的
生活裡。你把去比利時那次旅行歸咎於你的旅伴，而你母親指責我不
該介紹那個人給你認識，我便在信裡把這個不該負的責任物歸原主──
還給了你。最後我向她保證，我一點兒也沒有在國外見你的意思，我
還懇求她一定要把你留在那裡至少兩三年，要麼給你弄個名譽官職，
不行的話也讓你學點外語。或者按照她的其他意思讓你留在埃及都
行，這樣既是為了你好，也是為了我好。

在埃及期間你不斷地寫信給我，每個郵班都有你的信。我一點也
不在乎你捎來的信，看完之後就撕掉。不用和你糾纏，我感到非常平
靜。我的思維也能重新組織起來，愉快地專注於曾被你攪擾的藝術事
業。不料，三個月剛過，你母親竟然親自寫信給我。她那種一貫不幸
的軟弱意志在我的悲劇人生裡所起的作用，絕不亞於令尊性格裡的暴
虐。想都不用想，肯定是你鼓動她寫信幫你說話。在她的信裡，她說
你極度焦急地等我回信給你，為了使我找不到藉口不回信給你，還把
你在雅典的地址也一併寄來了。這個城市，其實我是再清楚不過了。
這封信看得我目瞪口呆，我實在不明白，她在十二月給我寫了的那封
信，而我又給她回覆了那樣的信之後，她怎麼還會試圖修復我們之間
不幸的友誼？我當然得回信給她，並催促她幫你在海外使館謀得一
職，以防你回到英國。不過我沒有再寫信給你，也仍然像之前一樣不
理會你發來的電報。最後，你居然發電報給我的妻子，乞求她利用她
對我的影響促使我寫信給你。我們的關係一直是她悲傷的根源，不僅
因為她對你從來沒有一點好感，也因為她看到你形影不離的糾纏為我
帶來了什麼樣的改變，而且還不是正向的影響。儘管如此，她還是為
你說情，就像一直對你的善意款待一樣，她不願意看到我對朋友不友
善。她也明白我不是那種人。在她的要求下我才聯繫你，電報上的每
一句話我都清清楚楚記得。我說時間能夠治癒一切傷痛，但未來的幾
個月，我會停止跟你之間的通信，也不會再見你。你一收到電報就立
刻動身前往巴黎，在路上發給我一封封熱切的電報，求我無論如何也
要見你一面。而我斷然拒絕了。星期六的深夜，當你抵達巴黎時，只
在旅館裡發現我的一封短信，告訴你我不會去見你的。第二天一早我
就在泰特街收到了你長達十一頁的電報。你說無論你對我做了什麼，
你都不敢相信我會如此絕情不見你一面。你提醒我說，你整整六天六
夜馬不停蹄在路上奔波還穿越整個歐洲，連一刻都不曾休息就是為了
見我一面。我得承認你在電報上寫得哀婉悽楚，最後還疑似用自殺來
威脅我。你以前經常談起在你們家族裡有多少人是自絕於世的，你叔
叔無疑是一個，你的祖父也可能死於自殺。你出身的這個瘋狂惡劣的
家族有不少這樣的例子。出於憐憫，出於對你的舊情，也出於對你母
親的考量，想到如果你這樣悲慘地死去，她是無論如何也承受不了這
種痛苦的。還有僅僅從人道的立場來看，一個如此年輕的生命，儘管
有著種種惡習，終歸還有美好的前景可盼。如果需要找藉口的話，前
述種種都是我答應見你最後一面的藉口。當我到達巴黎的時候，無論
是最初在瓦松吃晚餐還是後來在帕拉德吃宵夜的時候，你的眼淚就像
雨水般傾瀉劃過你的臉頰，一刻都沒有停止過。你見到我時流露出發
自內心的歡樂，抓住我的手就沒有再放開，就像是一個溫順悔過的孩
子一般。你表露出來的悔恨是那樣單純誠懇，以致當時的我再一次答
應和你重歸於好。我們回到倫敦後兩天，令尊在皇家咖啡廳撞見我們
在進餐，就走過來加入我們，毫不客氣地喝我的酒，當天下午還寄了
一封信給你，開始了對我第一輪的攻擊。

說來也許很奇怪，和你分手的責任（這一次我不說這是機會）又
到來了。不用我來提醒你吧，我指的是一八九四年十月十日到十三日
這三天你在布萊頓對我的所作所為。也許三年前的事情對你來說太遙
遠了，但是對於我這種被囚禁在高牆深院中的人來說，我們的生活中
沒有別的事情，只有悲傷。我們不得不靠肉體痛楚的發作和對過去苦
痛的回憶來度量時間。除此之外，沒有什麼別的可想。痛苦，是我們
存在的唯一方式，儘管這種說法你可能聞所未聞。唯有通過痛苦，我
們才能感知自身的存在。追憶過往的苦澀往事，是對我們自我身份的
確認和證明的必要手段。如同我自己和記憶中的歡愉之間隔著一道深
淵，我和現實中的歡愉一樣也隔著這樣的一道深淵。假如我們在一起
的時光真如世人想像的那樣，僅僅有享樂、揮霍和歡聲笑語，那我將
無法回想起其中的任何一個片段。正因為在我們生活的每一天每一刻
都充滿了悲劇、苦痛和罪孽，乏味的爭吵和不體面的暴力日復一日地
不斷上演，所以我才能對生活中每一個痛楚的細節看得清清楚楚、聽
得真真切切，而對於其他的任何事情都既聽不到也看不見。像我這樣
以痛苦度日的人，迫使我以這種方式來追憶我們之間曾經的友誼，以
致那段生活彷彿成了我悲劇人生的一個序曲，供我每天回味。甚至，
它已經成了我的生存必需品。不管我的人生，曾在我自己和別人眼裡
呈現什麼樣的面貌，對於如今的我來說，它就像是一首徹頭徹尾的
「悲哀交響曲」，一樂章一樂章地隨著節奏向不可避免的悲劇結局推
進。一切都是那樣天衣無縫，簡直就是一場絕妙戲劇的處理手法。

1. 蒙特卡羅（Monte Carlo），在摩納哥大公國，瀕臨地中海的世界著名賭城。
2. 克利歐（Clio），希臘神話中九位繆斯女神之一，司管歷史。
3. 撒母耳（Samuel），基督教《聖經》故事中的人物，少年時就能以神的事為
重。
4. 雷斯（Gilles de Rais, 1404-1440），百年戰爭時期的法國元帥，曾殘害多名兒
童，後被處以火刑。
5. 薩德（Donatien Alphonse François Sade, Marquis de Sade, 1740-1814），以
文學作品中的色情描寫和性虐待聞名。薩德的一生，多次寫小說描寫虐戀情
節，並親身實踐虐戀行為，因此多次入獄。sadism（虐待狂）一詞就是從他的
名字而來。薩德是西方世界淫邪的代表人物。
6. 埃斯庫羅斯（Aeschylus, 西元前525-456），與索福克勒斯（Sophocles, 西元
前496-406）和歐里庇得斯（Euripides, 前480年-406）一起被稱為是古希臘最
偉大的悲劇作家，為希臘三大悲劇之父。此指其作品《阿迦門農》
（Agamemnon）。
 03
沒有底座的雕像

諸神無從捉摸，他們不僅用我們的罪惡來製造刑具懲罰我們，也
利用我們內心的美好、善良、仁慈和愛來毀滅我們。

三年前你曾經有三天對我做了過分的事，不是嗎？我那時獨自一
人正在沃辛，準備完成最後一個劇本。結果你卻接連造訪兩次，然後
又突然出現，還帶了一個朋友。事實上你想讓他住在那裡，我當然拒
絕了（現在你得承認我這樣做是對的）。當然，我還是招待了你們，
因為我別無選擇，只不過不能在我自己的房子裡進行。第二天是星期
一，你的朋友有公務回去了，而你留了下來。等你在沃辛待膩了，我
也毫無疑問沒有辦法集中精力寫劇本（而這是當時唯一一件我真正關
心的事情）。你堅持要我帶你去布萊頓的格萊德大酒店，但當晚到達
酒店你就病倒了，發起可惡的低燒，而它還有個愚蠢的名字叫做流
感。這不是第二次就是第三次你輕微發燒。用不著我提醒你，當時我
是如何守在你身邊，如何關心你的吧？在你生病的那幾天，我為你買
過多少昂貴的鮮花、水果、禮物、書籍，諸如此類需要花錢買到的東
西。更重要的是，我還提供過你多少溫柔體貼和關心呵護？無論你怎
樣想這件事，這些是金錢所買不到的。除了早上我出門散步一個小時
和下午駕車出去一個小時，我從未離開你身邊。
 因為你不喜歡酒店的葡萄，我還設法買了倫敦的上好葡萄。想盡
辦法取悅你，要麼守在你的身邊，要麼待在隔壁的房間隨時候命。每
晚不是守著你靜靜坐著，就是講笑話逗你開心。

你在四五天之後痊癒了，我因為想寫完劇本便租了一幢房子。
你，當然還是一直形影不離。安頓好的第二天，我也病倒了。你有事
需要趕回倫敦，還答應我下午就回來看我。你在倫敦遇到了一個朋
友，一直到第二天下午才回布萊頓，那時我已經燒得很厲害了，而醫
生說是你的流感傳染給我了。誰要是生病了，才會發現再沒有比這棟
房子更不適合病人居住的地方了。我的起居室在二樓，臥室卻在四
樓，在那裡沒有僕人服侍，連派出去幫忙買藥的人都沒有。不過不是
有你在嘛！我有什麼好擔心的呢？接下來的兩天裡，你把我一個人丟
在那裡，不理不睬連聲問候都沒有。葡萄、鮮花、禮物那些是不指望
了，問題是我連基本必需品都要不到，連醫生囑咐我要喝的牛奶都沒
有，更不用說檸檬水了。我求你去書店買本書，如果沒有我想看的那
一本，就隨便挑本也好，不過你的尊體根本沒有朝書店挪過一步。隔
日我在床上無聊地躺了一整天，無書可讀，你卻平靜地告訴我你已買
了書，書商也答應送過來。直到後來我才在一個偶然的機會中得知你
從頭到尾都在騙我。與此同時，我還得負責你的一切花銷，進出坐馬
車或到格萊德酒店吃飯，只有要錢的時候，你才會出現在我房間。那
個星期六晚上，由於你已經把我一個人扔在家裡一整天了，我要求你
吃完晚飯後回來陪我坐一會。你很不耐煩地答應了，我等到十一點始
終沒看到你。於是我在你房間留了一個紙條，僅僅是提醒你答應了的
事情卻沒有做到。凌晨三點，我口渴難耐睡不著覺，只好自己強沿著
漆黑寒冷的樓梯下來，到起居室想找點水喝。沒想到我竟看到了你！
你氣急敗壞地朝我破口大罵，就像一個粗野的瘋子一樣。你僅有的一
點愧疚，在你極端自私的理虧情緒下，轉變成狂怒朝我發洩而來。你
指責我自私，居然希望你陪著我這樣一個病人。你說我妨礙你娛樂和
剝奪你的快樂。我知道確實是這樣，你回來只不過是為了換套衣服，
繼續出去尋歡作樂，但我居然留了一封信來提醒你，我這種自私的行
為嚴重地剝奪了你追求更多歡樂的欲望，敗壞了你追尋新鮮玩意的興
致。我噁心著上了樓，輾轉難眠直到天亮。很久之後我才弄了點東
西，來止息我這被高燒炙烤的喉嚨。你十一點走進我的房間。我注意
到經過我那封信引起的一番折騰，無論如何還是給你帶來了一點影
響，因為你並沒有像平時那樣玩到天亮。那天上午你恢復了常態。我
自然等著看你如何為自己開脫，看你用什麼辦法來乞求我的原諒。你
很清楚，無論你做了什麼，最終我都會原諒你。

你絕對相信我會原諒你，這確實是我喜歡你的地方，或許也是你
最討人喜歡的地方。然而你沒有像平時一樣，而是繼續吵鬧，口氣更
加兇狠和暴烈。最後我只好叫你出去，你也假裝出去了，但是當我把
埋在枕頭裡的頭抬起來的時候，卻看見你還站在那裡猙獰地對著我大
笑，又突然歇斯底里地朝我撲過來。不知道什麼原因，一種恐懼感頓
時驚動了我。我馬上一躍而起，光著腳朝樓下奔去。我在起居室待了
很久，直到房東告訴我你確實已經不在我的臥室，並答應一旦有事他
立刻就來，我才敢離開起居室。一小時後（這期間醫生來看過我，發
現我精神狀況極度不佳，燒得更厲害了）你悄悄回來取錢，把能拿的
都拿光了，梳妝檯和壁爐架上的錢也拿走後，就帶著自己的行李離開
了。還需要我告訴你，在接下來悲慘孤獨的兩天裡我是怎樣看你的
嗎？還有必要說什麼，我看得再清楚不過了，以你這樣的為人，即便
和你是熟人關係我都會覺得不光彩。還有必要說什麼，我意識到是時
候分手了，也知道這將會很痛苦。還有必要說什麼，我知道無論將來
的生活，只要沒有你，我的藝術創作和生活都只會更自由和更美好。
這樣想著，儘管我還在臥病中，心情卻輕鬆了許多。知道我們即將分
手，也知其勢在必行，我內心因此感到平靜。星期二時高燒退了，我
也開始在樓下用餐。星期三是我的生日，在眾多的信件和電報中，其
中有一封你的親筆信。我傷感地拆開來看，我知道我已經不可能再因
為你的甜言蜜語、深情問候或者任何悔恨的話語就讓你回到我身邊。
然而，我完全被你欺騙了。我低估了你。在我生日當天，你寄來的這
封信，是在徹頭徹尾地重複之前的兩場爭吵，用白紙黑字精心寫好後
再處心積慮地對付我。你粗俗地嘲弄我，你說在整個這件事情上，你
最得意的部分就是你特意在離開布萊頓之前到格萊德酒店大吃一頓，
然後算到我的帳上。你恭喜我反應這麼快就跳下病床跑到樓下，「那
時你真是醜態畢現。」你說，「你都想像不出來你那時有多醜陋。」
唉，我自然深有體會這句話到底是什麼意思，我不明白的是你手裡是
不是拿著那把買來打算嚇唬令尊的手槍？有一次我們在一起的時候，
你以為沒有上膛，不小心在餐廳開了一槍。或者你手裡拿著我們中間
那張桌子上的餐叉？甚至你一時怒火攻心，竟然忘了你身形比我瘦
小，居然想要趁我臥病在床的時候攻擊我，對我進行虐待？我不明
白，至今我都不明白當時你到底想對我做什麼。我明白的是我當時感
覺到徹底的恐懼，如果我不及時離開房間逃出去，你就會作出即便是
對於你自己來說，也是要後悔一輩子的舉動。在此之前，我只有一次
這樣恐懼的經歷，那是在我泰特街的書房裡，你的父親帶了幾個幫兇
站在我面前，狂怒地揮舞著他的小手掌，嘴裡罵著所有他那個下流腦
袋能想出來的骯髒話，叫嚷著威脅我，而那些威脅後來他都有計劃地
實施了。不過那一場是他先離開房間，我把他趕出去，這一次先離開
房間的人則是我。這已經不是第一次，我覺得我有責任把你從自我中
拯救出來。
 那封信，你是這樣結尾的：「你只不過是座雕像，沒有了底座，
你什麼都不是。下次你再生病我會馬上離開你。」唉，多麼粗鄙的嘴
臉！多麼缺乏想像力！這種性情，一到關鍵時刻，變得多麼庸俗多麼
無情！「你只不過是座雕像，沒有了底座，你什麼都不是，下次你再
生病我會馬上離開你。」有多少回在我孤單的服刑期間，這句話不知
我的耳邊迴響起多少回。我一遍又一遍地將這句話念給自己聽，在這
句話裡，我發現了在你奇怪的沉默背後隱藏的一些祕密，但願我錯怪
了你。在我為了照顧你被你傳染流感，被高燒苦苦折磨的時候，你居
然寫出這樣的話給我，真是惡毒無比。但凡任何一個人能作出這樣的
事，都罪不可赦，如果天下真有不可饒恕的罪過的話。

坦白說，當我讀完你的信，我覺得自己幾乎被玷汙了，好像一旦
跟你這樣的人有了聯繫，我的生活就不可避免地陷進了汙穢和羞愧的
深淵。事實上我的生活已經陷入了困境，但過了半年後，我才明白自
己陷得有多深。我盤算好星期五回倫敦，親自去見喬治．路易斯勳
爵，請他寫信給令尊，說明我已下定決心，無論發生什麼我都不會再
准許你進入我的房間，和我一起吃飯、說話或者散步。總之任何時間
跟地點，我都不會再和你在一起。等這件事辦好，我就寫信通知你我
採取的行動，因為你自己心裡再清楚不過了。我在星期四晚上安排好
了一切，然而星期五一早在我坐下來準備吃早飯的時候，不經意翻開
報紙，卻看到上面有一條電文說，你的哥哥（你們家真正的一家之
主、爵位的繼承人、家庭的支柱）被發現死在一條陰溝裡，他的空槍
就扔在屍體旁邊。這種恐怖的悲劇，現在已經確認是偶然事故，但當
時卻據說另有隱情。你哥哥這樣一個人見人愛的年輕人突然這樣悲慘
地死去，而且好像就在他的新婚前夜，發生了這樣的變故，我就想到
你該有多傷心和多難過，同時也意識到你的母親失去了她幸福和歡樂
所依的愛子，將要承受多麼巨大的創痛。她曾經親口告訴我，你哥哥
從出生起就沒有讓她流過一滴眼淚。我還意識到，你自己該會多麼孤
單無助，你另外兩個哥哥都不在歐洲，只有你一個男人來照顧令堂和
令妹，不只需要你安撫她們的悲傷，還有辦理葬禮時各種繁瑣哀傷的
雜務需要你處理。一想到眼淚[1]，使我們的世界之所以成其為世界的
眼淚，一想到所有人生在世都會遇到的傷心事，這些澎湃在我腦海裡
的各種想法和感情，都讓我對你和你家人的怨恨瞬間消解無影，你給
我帶來的煩惱和痛苦也都被拋卻腦後了。儘管你在我生病的時候那樣
對我，可我卻不能在你最悲傷的時候也同樣還給你。因此，我馬上發
電報給你，傳達我最深切的同情，隨後我又寫了一封信邀請你在方便
的時候來我家。我覺得在那種特殊時期拋棄你，還通過律師途徑正式
拋傳達，對你未免太過可怕了。

當你從悲劇發生的現場回到城裡的時候，你立刻就來到我身邊，
穿著喪服、眼淚汪汪，一副溫順無邪的樣子。你就像個孩子一樣來尋
求安慰和幫助。而我對你敞開了我的房子、我的家和我的心。我把你
的悲傷當成我的悲傷，以期能和你一起承受悲傷。我絲毫沒有，哪怕
一個字，提起你過去是如何對待我的，也沒有提起那幾次痛心的爭吵
和你惡毒的信。你那真切的哀傷，把你我之間的距離前所未有地拉近
了。你從我這兒拿去放到你哥哥墳墓上的鮮花，不僅要成為他生命之
美的一種象徵，也將要成為一切生命之中都蘊藏著的、可能綻放出來
的美的一種象徵。

諸神無從捉摸，他們不僅用我們的罪惡來製造刑具懲罰我們，也
利用我們內心的美好、善良、仁慈和愛來毀滅我們。要不是對你和你
的家人心存憐憫和厚愛，我今天也不會在這種可怕的地方掉眼淚了。
 當然，我發現在我們的糾纏不斷的關係之中，不僅有「天命」還
存在著「劫數」。「劫數」從來都是疾如閃電，一旦它出現必有血光
之災。你的父親將你帶到的那個家族，和它聯姻是可怕的，和它交誼
是致命的，你們家族的血手不是殺人就是自殺。在每一個我們生命交
會相遇的機緣裡，或在每一個重大或看似微小的時刻，你來到我身邊
尋找歡樂或者尋求幫助。在那些微不足道的或不經意的偶然瞬間，就
其與生活的關係而言，看起來不過像光影裡舞動的塵埃，或是樹上落
葉。這些時候毀滅都尾隨而至，宛若哭泣的回音，或是猛獸等待捕獵
的暗影。我們的友誼從你在牛津大學時寫給我的一封哀婉動人的信開
始，請求我幫你擺脫你當時陷入的一種對任何人來說都是非常可怕的
困境，這種困境對於一個牛津大學的學生來說尤為可怕。我幫助了
你，隨著你利用我的名聲，就像你朋友對路易斯勳爵做的那樣，最終
使我失去他的尊重和友誼──保持了十五年的友誼！一旦我得不到他的
建議和幫助，我也就失去了一個最忠誠的生命屏障。

1. 原文為拉丁語lacrimae rerum，眼淚。
 04
仇恨使人盲目

愛情可以讓人看到遙遠星空中的詩句，但你已經被仇恨蒙蔽了雙
眼，你的目光永遠也超不出你那個狹隘、被圍牆圍住、充滿塵埃
跟庸俗欲望的庭院。

你曾寄給我一首不錯的校園詩歌想得到我的青睞。我在回信中興
之所至地將你比做海拉斯、海爾辛托斯、瓊奎爾或那西瑟斯[1]，或者
隨便哪個受到偉大詩神寵愛眷顧的人。那封信寫得就像是從莎翁十四
行詩中摘錄的一段，只是被轉換成小調表現。只有那些讀過柏拉圖
《會飲篇》，或者能夠領會希臘大理石雕像所表現出凝重美感的人才
能理解它。坦率地說，這樣的信在我心情愉快、隨意無拘的時候，我
會信手寫給任何一位風雅的年輕大學生，只要他把自己寫的詩寄給
我，確信他有足夠的才識或教養來理解其中的風趣。但是來看看這封
信的命運吧。它先是被傳給你的一個不入流的同伴那裡，他把它傳給
一夥敲竹槓的傢伙，之後這封信還被複印很多份在倫敦到處流傳，送
到我朋友們的手裡或我正在上演戲劇的戲院經理手裡，每次傳播還都
添油加醋。社會上因此傳出流言，說我寫了這封不光彩的信給你而為
此賠了一筆鉅款。這種議論最後竟成為令尊對我惡毒攻擊的證據。我
在法庭上出示這封信的原件，本想讓人們看看這到底是一封什麼樣的
信，卻被令尊的律師認定為企圖腐化無知少年的險惡證據，最終它成
為我罪行的一部分。起訴方接受了這種指控。法官不是根據文學而是
根據道德對它進行了判決。我最終還是因為這封信進了監獄！這就是
我給你寫那封漂亮信的後果！

當我們一起住在索爾茲伯里的時候，你被一封以前朋友寫來的恐
嚇信嚇壞了，你求我去見寫信人幫你解決此事。我照辦了，結果卻是
我遭殃，我被迫扛下原本應由你承擔的全部責任。當你沒拿到學位而
必須離開牛津時，你從倫敦發電報給我，求我去你那裡，我也立刻照
辦了。就因為你不想在那種情況下回家，要我帶你去戈靈。你在戈靈
看上一棟房子，我立刻就為你租了下來，其結果不論從哪個角度看，
最後都是我遭殃。另外有一天你來找我，以個人名義求我幫忙，要我
給你的幾個朋友將要開辦的一份牛津大學生雜誌寫點東西。這些人我
從沒聽說過，也對他們一無所知。然而為了讓你高興──為了讓你高
興，我什麼事情沒做過？我就把原本要寄給《週六評論》的一篇短論
寄給他們。幾個月後我就發現自己因為該雜誌的性質問題站在了老貝
利法庭[2]的被告席上，結果這也成了起訴方指控我的罪狀之一。我被
要求為你朋友的散文和你的詩辯護。對前者，我無從辯護。但對於你
的詩，出於對你青澀的文學筆觸和年輕生命的極端忠誠，我為你作了
激烈的辯護，堅決否認你會成為一個低俗的作者。儘管如此，我還是
因為你朋友的大學生雜誌和你那首「不敢說出口的愛」鋃鐺入獄。我
在耶誕節的時候送你一件「非常漂亮的禮物」，就像你在回信感謝我
的內容，因為我知道你早就看上它，這禮物最多不過四十到五十英鎊
的樣子。但等我大難臨頭和破產的時候，法警居然沒收並賣掉了我的
藏書，就為了償還那件「非常漂亮的禮物」！正是因為它，法令竟來
到我家裡來了。在那可怕的關鍵時刻，在眾人尤其是你的嘲弄的刺激
下，我決定對令尊進行反擊，申請逮捕他，這是我在萬般無奈之下能
夠抓住的、用來讓我脫身的最後一根稻草。當著你的面，我告訴律師
我已沒有錢，我不但付不起這筆巨額債務，也完全沒有錢可以挪用。
你知道我所言不假。在那個要命的星期五，如果我能早點離開阿文戴
爾旅館的話，我就不用在韓弗理的辦公室有氣無力地同意宣佈破產，
而是在巴黎逍遙自在地享樂，遠遠地離開你們父子倆。這樣就可以不
用理會他惡毒的明信片，也毋需再理睬你的信。但是旅館的人堅決不
讓我離開，當時我們已經在那裡住了十天，你還帶了一個你的朋友過
來。你得承認，我當然非常生氣，因為在這十天裡我們幾乎花掉了一
百四十英鎊。旅館老闆說，如果不把帳單付清，他們就扣住行李。這
就是我困在倫敦的原因，如果不是這筆帳，早在星期四上午我就去了
巴黎。

當我告訴律師我支付不起控訴費用的時候，你立刻插嘴說你自己
的家人會非常樂意提供所有必要的花費，因為令尊在家裡不得人心，
每一個人都憎恨他，你們常常商量著不如把他送進瘋人院省得他礙
事。他給你們一家人尤其是你母親帶來說不清的煩惱。如果我能把他
送進監獄關起來，你們全家都會把我當做恩人，令堂那些富裕的親戚
即便為此掏出一大筆錢也會在所不惜。你一說完，律師當即敲板定
案，我也趕緊去了警察局。我沒有藉口不去。我是迫於無奈的。你的
家人當然不會支付這筆錢，害我破產的就是令尊幹的好事，而且僅僅
為了這區區七百英鎊。現在我妻子也因為我每週的生活費應該是三英
鎊還是三英鎊十先令這樣的問題與我反目，正準備提出離婚訴訟。這
當然又會有新的證據，新的審判，也許接下來還有更厲害的官司等著
我。具體細節我當然一無所知，我只知道我妻子的律師找到的證人，
就是你在牛津大學時的男僕，因你的特別要求，那個夏天我還曾把他
帶到戈靈服侍過我們。

然而事實上，我不需要再列舉更多的例子來說明你給我帶來的各
種大大小小的劫數了，這使我有時覺得彷彿彷彿你本人只不過是一個
Another random document with
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There was a Colored man at this place that owned slaves also, a Mr.
J. S. Stanley. Newberne was a great turpentine center. There were
turpentine distilleries here and about here. But great changes had
taken place. The magnificent dwelling house of the Stevens was now
occupied by a Colored man and run as a hotel. A Mr. George H.
White was the superintendent of the public schools, (Colored) at this
place and had also a law office. He afterwards became solicitor of
state and a member of the U. S. Congress. He is now the president
of a Savings Bank, on Lombard Street, Philadelphia, Penna. Mr.
Sylvester Mackey and Judge Mumford were merchants. Presiding
Elder, Edward Hill, of the Zion A. M. E. Church, was a wealthy
planter. Mrs. Edward R. Richardson was a clerk in the Post Office.
Mr. John Willis was a deputy sheriff. These and other men and
women had made good their opportunities. They had not only
welcomed the change from slavery but they had taken their places
as freedmen among the citizens of this country and had
demonstrated that they had in them that out of which the best
citizens are made. I forgot to mention that the Rev. J. C. Price, D.D.,
former president of Livingston College, Salisbury, N. C., was born at
this town. Dr. Price was one of the most distinguished orators,
educators and scholars of the country regardless of color.
After my second year at this place, I attended the General
Conference of the A. M. E. Church which met in St. Louis, Mo. I took
my wife and baby and we went up on boat. My daughter Ada
returned to Shaw University, Raleigh, N. C. where she was an
instructor. At St. Louis, I met a great many ministers whom I knew
and many more with whom I got well acquainted. I was quite
indisposed while there, but was able to attend the sessions of the
Conference. It was at this Conference that Elder R. H. Cain, D.D.,
made his defense against the charge of maladministration in office.
And I am sure that it was his noble defense that brought about his
election to the office of Bishopric. While in St. Louis, I visited some of
the places of interest. I called upon Mr. J. Milton Turner, editor of the
Freeman’s Journal who afterward represented the U. S. as minister
to Hayti.
 I visited a large Catholic (Roman) school. This was my first visit to
a Roman Catholic institution of any kind. I was deeply impressed
with the services, with the use of crucifixes, and the place that
images held in their service. It was very strange to me. I could not
understand how their minds and hearts could be fixed on God while
at the same time they were giving so much time to these
genuflections, rituals, and ceremonies. I remembered the second
commandment. I saw that this commandment was being broken. For
there were the images and likenesses of things in Heaven and on
the earth, if not under earth. And yet at the same time these people
seemed to be in earnest, they did what they had before them with a
devotion that attracted. But it was all wrong because the Word of
God in one of the Ten Commandments condemned it. The Roman
Catholic Church with all its pomp, pride and wealth, is wrong in its
fundamental principals and is therefore guilty of idolatry—they are
not worshipping God only, they are worshipping saints and other
divinities.
On Thursday, May 20, 1880, Revs. H. M. Turner, R. H. Cain, W. F.
Dickerson were elected bishops of the A. M. E. Church. Bishops
Payne, Wayman, Campbell, Shorter, Ward and Brown, together with
the required number of elders, officiated. I left St. Louis and on my
way home, stopped over in Little Rock, Ark., spending Sunday there.
It was my pleasure to preach in Bethel Church on Sunday afternoon,
for the Rev. Dr. J. T. Jennifer, the pastor of the church. I enjoyed
meeting my many old friends. I was soon back at my work in
Newberne, N. C., and remained there until the end of the year. Quite
a number of members united with the church and debts were paid
off. My work at this place was reasonably successful.
I attended the Conference that met in Raleigh, N. C. On account of
my mother’s health I requested a transfer from this section to the
North, and at this Conference I was transferred to the Conference of
New Jersey. I received appointment to the station of Morristown, N.
J. I arrived at Morristown with my daughter, Ada. It was midnight and
very cold. I was somewhat discouraged. My daughter said to me,
father, it is very cold and the outlook is a gloomy one, but I am here
to stay with you and help all that I can. (Poor child, long since she
passed away to that country where the inhabitants are free from the
tribulations of this world.) I was reminded of a couplet in one of the
old hymns,
“Thy saints in all this glorious war
Shall conquer though they die.”

BISHOP JOHN M. BROWN, D.D., D.C.L.

Who ordained me as an Elder.
I was sent to the Morristown station to fill out the unexpired term of
the Rev. Mr. Smith deceased. We spent the night at the parsonage,
then Mr. Henry Ader, a prominent contractor and steward in the
church, came to see us and took us to his house until the parsonage
was put in shape for us. We were most pleasantly entertained by
him. While in this field of labor I sought out a secret spot where I
might meet with God and talk over with Him all the work that I was
entering upon in this field. I realized that such an arrangement with
God was best and one that every Christian who is doing business for
the King, should have. So I regularly kept my engagements with God
in this place. I put before Him all my plans and went over them,
seeking His wisdom and help. It is wonderful how He brings to our
assistance His strength and grace when we honor Him as we should
in this way. The Saviour Himself taught that we should have our
closet, that is, a secret place, where we talk with God about
everything that interests us. That we should not do as the Pharisees
and Scribes, who loved to talk with God on the street corners and
public places that they might be seen of men. “When thou prayest
enter into thy closet and thy Father who seeth in secret shall reward
thee openly.”
Mr. Henry Ader, Lansing Furman, George Yates, Nicholas Miller,
Henry Johnson, Robert Gale, Preston Garland, together with their
wives, were the active members in this church and they were indeed
a noble band of workers. There was harmony in the church between
the members and a zeal marked with wisdom in their work. I was
soon able to have my wife and children come on from Little Rock,
Ark. This getting together again was a happy reunion of my home. I
found the Y. M. C. A. in this place to be a noble band of workers and
very much interested in the colored people. Such influences as this
are very inspiring to my people. I met and had the pleasant
acquaintance while here of the pastor of the Presbyterian Church,
the Rev. Dr. Erdman (white). I found him to be a noble Christian man
and very deeply interested in the uplifting of our people. He not only
used his influence but contributed of his means for our welfare. I had
the pleasure of preaching for him in his own pulpit. I might mention
also a Dr. Owen, a physician (white), who did a great deal for our
people and cause. He assisted us in paying off the mortgage on our
Church and in getting the Church out of debt. In all these things I
was able to see the gleams of the light of God’s love shining down
upon us every day. For we must remember that the love and the
friendship of our white friends are but the sunshine of God’s love
falling upon us to bless us and to teach us that God has His own
chosen ones in this world who are living on the table land of
Christian thought and activity, far above the swamps of prejudice and
racial animosity. We, too, should daily seek to live on these same
highlands of God’s love and peace.
 REV. J. W. COOPER,
Treasurer of the New Jersey Conference.
The Conference met at Princeton, N. J. I was received into the
membership of this Conference and entered into the active duties
thereof on committees on which I was assigned. I found the brethren
very cordial in their welcome and pleasant as co-laborers in the
Lord’s work. I met here for the first time, Elders J. W. Cooper, J. H.
Bean, George A. Mills, J. H. Morgan, R. Faucett, J. T. Diggs,
Winston Taylor, J. R. V. Pierce, Wilson Patterson, S. B. Williams and
others. I was assigned to Morristown and was much pleased with the
appointment. We had a very pleasant year as well as profitable. The
Conference the following year was entertained by my Church. This
meeting of the Conference was a very pleasant and profitable one.
The reports showed that in every way the denomination in this part
of the vineyard was doing its work reasonably well. The Conference
had the pleasure while here of visiting Drew Seminary. Some of our
Bishops and leaders made addresses, which were kindly received
judging from the responses on the part of the Faculty of this noble
institution. This is a theological school of the M. E. Church. After the
adjournment of the Conference I slipped away for a much needed
rest, not letting my congregation or even my wife know where I was
going. I went to New York City for a few days. Sometimes it is
necessary for a man to get away from every work that he may
recuperate himself.
About this time I attended the funeral of my cousin, John Harris,
living on Lombard street, Philadelphia. While here I met Bishops
Wayman and Brown; Financial Secretary, B. W. Arnett, (since made
Bishop, but now deceased), and Judge Allen (colored), of South
Carolina. I visited the Philadelphia Conference which met at West
Chester, Pa. This was a very delightful meeting of Conference.
I soon returned to my field of labor, at Morristown, very much
refreshed and entered upon my labors with new zeal and, I trust,
more wisdom. All through my ministry I have been deeply impressed
with the fact that we must do all that we can for our young people.
They are, in their own time and generation, to do all in their power to
work out the salvation of their people. They must be trained to take
up the labors of their fathers and mothers with more zeal and
wisdom than their parents, so that the cause of the race may be
greatly advanced by them in their day. When I think of the ten
millions or more of my people in this country, and their destiny will be
largely fixed by the coming generation of Afro-Americans; I almost
tremble for the outcome, because I fear that the fathers and mothers
of this day and generation have not done their work as well as they
could have done it. There are great odds against us in this country,
and it will require strong bodies, characters and minds, together with
the power and wisdom of God, to bring my people to the place where
they can become potent factors in this mighty civilization. At
Morristown I furnished the parsonage, paid off all debts and added
40 members to the Church. I also organized the Church at Madison,
N. J.
 MACEDONIA A. M. E. CHURCH
Camden, N. J.
Built by Rev. W. H. Yeocum, D.D., and Rev. A. H. Newton, D.D.
On April 18, 1883, the New Jersey Conference met at Bridgeton,
N. J., in the Mt. Zion A. M. E. Church. My report was as follows:
Contingent, $1; salary, $580; traveling expenses, $12; P. E. support,
$49; Dollar Money, $27; Missionary Fund, $12; Sunday School, $22;
number of members, 61; probationers, 4; Sunday School scholars,
120. I was sent from this Conference to Trenton, N. J., where I spent
two years in the pastoral work. I increased the membership of this
Church from 62 to 180 during this time and paid off a great many
debts and advanced the cause of Christ in many ways. After this
pastorate, I served the Macedonia A. M. E. Church, Camden, N. J.
I attended the General Conference in Baltimore, which was a
wideawake meeting. While living and working in Camden I bought
my first house and became a property owner. I did this because the
parsonage could not be vacated at the time I needed the house. I
have never regretted this step. And I hope that many who read this
volume will take a similar step. There is no comfort like living under
your own “vine and fig tree.” My work in the Camden Church was
very successful. I had associated with me Mr. C. W. Robinson,
Taswell Green, W. Starr, James Hunt, James Martin, George Rice,
Mary White, Lizzie Green, Mary Merril, Emma Pitts, Mary Stevenson
and other helpers, whose loyalty and faithfulness were most
praiseworthy.
We had the great pleasure of entertaining the Conference, which
was a most profitable meeting. The Conference was opened by a
sermon from Bishop Campbell and presided over by Bishop
Wayman. I was complimented at this meeting by the brethren along
the strain that God had special blessings prepared for me and that in
a peculiar sense He had cared for me. I told them that I praised Him
for all that I was, and had been able to do for Him; that they all knew
that I had started without any education in the schools. I had been
blessed with good health and ordinarily good sense; that my school
was the school in which Jesus Christ is the Principal and the Holy
Spirit the Teacher; that I had associated every day with my
schoolmates, the sun, moon, stars, rivers, trees, grass, flowers and
birds; that the world was my blackboard, and the mountains my
college walls. Here is where I got my start. As I now look out on the
young men who are entering the ministry and see the splendid
opportunities they have of acquiring an education, I am really
appalled that they do not improve these opportunities. It is a mystery
to me. I hope that the Holy Spirit will awaken in the minds and hearts
of the young men of my race who expect to preach the Gospel, the
determination and effort to thoroughly prepare themselves to preach
the Gospel of Jesus Christ.
I was left at the Macedonia Church for another year. We were able
to complete the Church during this year, and it was dedicated on the
24th of October, 1886, by Bishop Wayman. The collection which we
were able to raise at this dedicatory service was $900. The church
building is a fine edifice, with stained glass windows and a fine pipe
organ. We were very proud of our work. At this service I performed
two marriages between Mr. Frank Miller and Miss Georgia Stratton,
and Mr. Charles J. Cloud and Miss Sarah J. Beatty. I finished my
work in Camden, paid $11,000 on indebtedness, was blessed with
200 conversions, of whom 160 united with the church and paid for
my house at No. 332 Washington Street, Camden, N. J. I left an
indebtedness of $5000 in the church.
The Conference of 1886 met at Trenton, N. J., and was presided
over by Bishop Wayman. It was a very profitable meeting. The
Conference appointed a committee to call on the Governor of the
State. They arranged a time and had a most pleasant meeting with
this official. Rev. W. A. S. Rice, D.D., was the spokesman of the
committee, which consisted of Rev. J. P. Sampson, D.D., W. A. S.
Rice, D.D., and Rev. A. H. Newton, D.D. The Governor afterwards
sent for Dr. Rice and asked him what the Conference wanted in
making a call upon him. Dr. Rice was not able to say anything
definitely. Then he told Dr. Rice of a provision which the legislature
had made for the founding and maintaining of a Colored Industrial
School. The outcome of this conference of Dr. Rice with the
Governor was that the Industrial School at Bordentown was
established and that Dr. Rice became its honored founder.
 I would like to say in this connection that the chairman of this
committee, Rev. J. P. Sampson, D.D., my life long friend, has ever
been prominent in the work of the church. He is a man of fine ability,
of sound judgment, and of noble Christian character. He has been
tested by me during a long life and I have ever found him to be tried
and true. I always know where to find Dr. Sampson on any great and
important question, he is on the right side.
I was sent to Bridgeton, N. J., and served this charge with
cheerfulness and success. At the next Conference I was appointed
by Bishop Campbell, pastor over the Millville Circuit. I made my
home at Vineland, N. J. I looked after the church in Vineland. This
being a very poor charge, my wife raised chickens and the children
gardened, and we were able to live. I went back to my old trade at
odd times, that of bricklayer. I did not fear to take off my coat, roll up
my sleeves and go to work. I made $3.75 a day, paid off the debt on
the church, preached to them on Sundays and added quite a number
to the church. I went from here to New Brunswick, N. J., and was
quite successful. I found the people thoroughly alive to the interests
of the Kingdom of Heaven. This church had the honor of entertaining
the Eighteenth Annual Conference of the A. M. E. connection at the
end of my first year. This Conference showed a deeper interest in
the cause of education than any other. The speech that stirred the
Conference was made by editor L. J. Coppin. The reports at this
Conference showed a total membership of 4352; Probationers,
1200; Accessions, 1036; Preachers, 71; Sunday School Scholars,
3694; Dollar Money, $1538.52; Pastors’ Support, $18,000. I
remained at this charge for another year. I determined that I would
do the best work of my life this year. In examining myself I found that
I was as full of zeal as when I first entered the ministry and that the
secret motive was to please the Lord by serving Him to the best of
my ability. I was greatly aided in my work by the Rev. J. H. Morgan,
the presiding elder. He had the tact and good sense to bring about a
most pleasant relationship between pastor and people. The Rev. Mr.
Pockman, of the Reformed Church, aided me very much in my work.
I always sought the advice and help of my Methodist brethren, as
well as the brethren of other denominations. William Stiles, Dorie
Davis, Josiah Henson, Thomas March, Alice Thompson, Mrs. March,
Samuel Dowdie, Harriet Henson, and others were my valuable co-
workers during this year. We paid off the debt, furnished the
parsonage, repaired and carpeted the church building, paid the
mortgage of 15 years’ standing and were blessed with an addition to
the membership of forty-two souls. I was therefore able to take a
good report to the next meeting of the Conference. The reports at
this Conference showed splendid progress being made by this
branch of the Methodist Church. And it requires but a brief
examination to prove that this is also true of every denomination
represented among my people. I submit a few facts and figures that
may be of great encouragement to my friends who have the patience
to read this volume. There are 55,784 church organizations; 56,228
church buildings; 2,672,977 members of all denominations; church
property is valued at $32,510,448; when I enlisted in the Civil War
we had practically no schools, because before the war it was a
misdemeanor to teach Colored children in school, now there are
upwards of 2,000,000 Colored children attending well taught
schools. This is a record of which we are very proud, but by no
means satisfied with the achievement. We must press forward along
all lines of work and enterprise. There is no time for idling, there is no
place for drones, there is no reward for ignorance.
My next assignment was Cape May, N. J. During the pastorate of
Rev. J. Height Bean, D.D., this church had bought a lot on which was
a house used as a parsonage. We were greatly favored here by a
Mr. Ogden, who aided us in procuring lumber. He was a most kind
man to the poor and needy and in his kindness he knew no color
line. The church building was not plastered or seated, so we decided
to borrow money for this purpose. We needed $500 and owed a
mortgage of $1200. We had not a cent. Therefore the Board decided
on a rally. At this rally we had with us the Rev. Israel Derricks, of the
Conference of New York. On that day we raised $168 in cash and
$50 in subscriptions. On another Sabbath later we raised $250. Rev.
Levi Coppin aided us very materially that day. So that at last we were
able to pay in cash $468 of the $500 which we had expected to
borrow. The School Board at Cape May applied to me for two
teachers to fill vacancies in public school. I recommended Miss
Gertie Pierce, of Trenton, N. J., and Miss Fannie Worthington, of
Washington, D. C. They were accepted and given positions. Our
church at this place supplied two of the school teachers, this year, for
the teaching of the Colored children. The Misses Gertie Pierce and
Fannie Worthington were the young ladies. Through the spiritual
activity of the members we had a splendid revival during the year
which resulted in forty members being added to the church, and in all
62 members. We installed a pipe organ also. I am glad to say that
the members of this church were in dead earnest. So I had no
trouble with mud-slingers and evil doers. How much time of a pastor
is frequently taken up in fighting against the Devil who is incarnated
in some of the members of the church!
 BISHOP HENRY M. TURNER
Who appointed me Presiding Elder
 The next Conference met at Morristown, N. J. It was a great
delight to return and meet my old friends and co-laborers. The
reports of this Conference showed a steady growth and
advancement along all lines.
I am often reminded of the courage of Bishop Allen, who, when he
and his friends were declared a nuisance in the White church and
while on their knees in prayers were taken hold of, and ordered to
the back part of the church, went out and organized the A. M. E.
Denomination. God went out with him as results have shown. And on
account of this most un-Christian treatment which the founder of our
church received, I have given my life with redoubled zeal to its
establishment in this land. Our church has stood for an
independence which has been an uplifting power in the Race. While
in some cases this may have been carried too far by unwise
persons, yet on the whole no one can gainsay that the A. M. E.
Church has been a Divinely appointed agency in the life and labors
of the Negro Race of the United States of America.
At this Conference I was made a Presiding Elder of the Trenton
District by Bishop H. M. Turner, D.D. I moved my family to
Philadelphia, Pa. With the aid of my friends, my family was
pleasantly domiciled in Philadelphia and I started on my first rounds
as a P. E. This was the most difficult part of my ministerial life. I
found that there was no church in the N. J. Conference that wanted
to see the presiding elder. They looked upon him as an unnecessary
part of church machinery. They considered him as a dependent on
their gifts and that every time that he came it meant “more money,
more money.” My first quarterly meeting was to have been held at
the church at Mt. Holly but I found that the pastor was not ready to
hold the meeting, so it was postponed. I went to another place and
the pastor told me that “things were very unfavorable there.” The
result of my first round was that when I came back to Camden, I had
to borrow ten dollars. I attended during this year the General
Conference which met in the Mother Bethel Church, Philadelphia. I
witnessed the ordination of Revs. B. F. Lee, M. B. Salter and James
A. Handy to the Bishopric. The Conference created a great deal of
enthusiasm for the connection. I returned to my work with the
determination that I would do more for the Lord than I had ever done
before. I closed my Conference year with reasonable success. I
received as a salary $680 and $57 for traveling expenses. But I
believe that I succeeded in convincing the people that the presiding
elder may be of great assistance to the local church in doing its work
in that the minister is often not able to cope with things as they exist.
My report at the Conference which met at Princeton, N. J., was
about as follows: Trenton pastorate, new church built and 59
converts; new church built at Trenton Mission; new church at
Jordantown; mortgage burned at Bordentown; church finished at
Jamesburgh; the other work was the routine work of the presiding
elder. I was again appointed presiding elder of the same district.
During this year I had my daughter, Ada, with me, having come
North and brought her husband, Albert A. B. Cooper. Bishop Turner
gave my son-in-law an appointment at Bethel, South Camden, which
pleased us all very much. My wife and children not being well
pleased with their residence in Philadelphia, I moved them to our
own house in Camden. During this year as presiding elder I took up
a campaign against worldliness in the church. I found that our young
people were drifting off to places of amusement, such as theatres,
parks, etc. This work was carried on by the pastors in my district and
I am glad to say that there was a great change for the better. I do not
think that our young people are malicious or wilful in such matters,
but that it is largely on account of the indifference on the part of their
pastors. It is not enough to go into the pulpit and enter into a tirade of
denunciation and scolding; this will do more harm than good; but
reason must be employed. The world and the church are at enmity,
they never have been and never can be friends until the world, as an
individual, has been saved by the blood of Jesus Christ. As long as
this relation of hostility exists between the world and the church,
members of the church cannot be friendly to both. They cannot be
followers of the world and its ways and at the same time consistent
members of the church.
At the Newark Conference, I was quite sick, but able to get
through the work. My reports as presiding elder during this year were
very satisfactory. I was given an appointment as a pastor at this
Conference by Bishop B. T. Tanner, my station was South Woodbury.
Sick as I was, I was determined to attend the General Conference
which met at Wilmington, N. C. The trip was not a very pleasant one
for me although everything had been done to make it pleasant. We
arrived at Richmond, Va., and stopped twenty minutes for a meal. I
was carried into the dining room and seated with the brethren. I was
impressed there with the fact that the White people are not going to
allow anything that has the semblance of social equality. As soon as
we were seated a folding screen was placed about our little company
so as to cut us off from the White people in the dining room. This
was segregation in earnest.
I enjoyed the meeting of the General Conference very much. I was
under the care of a physician and able to attend each day’s session
of the long meeting. I was delighted to be with Mr. Joseph Sampson,
my boyhood friend and associate. He was Registrar of Deeds. I was
rejoiced when I learned from him of the mental improvement he had
made. There were over six hundred ministers and lay-delegates in
attendance. They represented the strong element of the church.
There were theologians and scholars, men skilled in the tactics of
Christian warfare. I rejoiced that God has such gatherings as this to
work and plan for the general uplifting of my people. As long as there
are men who have determined that right shall prevail and that the
Gospel shall leaven the entire human race, there is no doubt of the
final issue. For we know what God’s will is and that this will must be
carried out by His loyal children.
After my return home I was sick for about two weeks but was able
to take up the work at South Woodbury. The first thing we did as
pastor and people was to plan for a new church building, the old one
being in a dilapidated condition. It took quite a while to get the
people in the notion of building, but we adopted our plans and began
to work. I found a great many splendid workers in this church,
without whom I would have labored in vain. I was at this place for
three years and when I left, the members were worshipping in a fine
brick church. I had succeeded in paying off a part of the debt, and
had received into the membership of the church about thirty-five
members.
At the next meeting of the Conference I was sent to the station of
Burlington, N. J. I spent a most pleasant and profitable year with
these dear people. They did all in their power to make my life a
pleasure to myself and family. I left this work with the best wishes of
the members of the church. I left with the conviction too that they
were a noble band of the Lord’s workers and that the work would be
in the hands of men and women who would not let it lag for the want
of untiring, energetic workers.
In 1899 I was assigned by Bishop A. Grant to Hossanah A. M. E.
Church, East Camden, N. J. I labored here until 1901, having
reorganized the Sunday School and paid something on the church
debt and added many members to the membership of the church.
Beverly was my next charge. Here I built a new church. I found
that many of the White people of this community were in sympathy
with our work. They contributed of their money and did what they
could spiritually for the upbuilding of our work. A lady from
Edgewater Park gave me six hundred dollars for the building of the
church and a nice little sum for the pastor. She was Mrs. Taylor. The
Presbyterian minister at this place helped me a great deal in my
work. I can surely say that the presence of the Lord was with us and
like David, exclaim, “Whom have I in Heaven but Thee and there is
none in all the earth, my soul would desire, beside Thee.”
Sad, sad, are the recollections of the years from 1899 to 1904. I
was taxed to my utmost for the enlargement of the Kingdom of
Grace in my attempts to keep the young men and women from the
sharks or pirates, who would have dragged them down to hell. Their
great sin was that of Sabbath breaking. This led them to licentious
living and almost every other crime of immorality. At the same time
the hand of affliction was laid heavily upon me. And had it not been
for the grace of God I should have sunken beneath the waves of
affliction.
My daughter, Ada Augusta Newton Cooper, the wife of Rev. A. B.
Cooper, died September 18th, 1899. She was thirty-eight years old.
She was a devoted, loving daughter and faithful wife. She passed
away at Orange, N. J., where she was engaged in her Christian
activities. She was a consecrated worker, a proficient teacher,
authoress, and a most valuable assistant to me for many years. She
knew as well as I that my education was sadly deficient, that I had
come out of the briars of slavery and all its curses, and in a very
practical manner, she was my education. For I had spared no means
to have her thoroughly educated. And always afterward she was
conscious of the advantages that I had given her and was constantly
trying to pay off this great debt of gratitude. But the time came when
the Lord called her to a higher service. He had need of her in
another part of His Kingdom and called her away. It is indeed one of
the heavy crosses that we are called upon to bear, when the Lord
calls away from us the children whom He has given us. Only those
parents who have passed through these said afflictions know
anything of the pains and suffering. I cried out, “Oh, Lord. I sink into
the deep mire where no solid foundation is found. I have come into
the deep waters where the floods overflow me. Save me, O, God, for
the waters are overflowing my soul.”
On December 3, 1902, my devoted and loving son passed away.
He had lived a consecrated Christian life. He died at the age of
twenty-one years. He had taken a thorough course of training at
Lincoln University, Pa., and had entered the ministry of the A. M. E.
Denomination. He united with the Conference at Atlantic City and
had been assigned to the charge at Sea Bright, N. J., by Bishop A.
Grant. He was a loving son, fine scholar, strong preacher, and was
beginning life with all the prospects of a great usefulness. But the
frost of death rested on him and he went to sleep from the labors of
the earth. But we are sure that he awakened in that bright and happy
land where there is no death and that now he is engaged in a much
larger and better service than any that he could have rendered here
below. I shall see him again. We will soon meet to part no more. We
will soon talk together again and thank God, with the assurance, that
father and son will never be parted.
On February 8, 1904, my dear mother was called to the other
home. This was the woman who had done more for me than all on
the earth besides. She died at the age of ninety-two years. This,
added to my other afflictions and to the weight of my labors, seemed
more than I could stand. I had never realized what it was to be
without a mother. Although at the age of sixty I was still a son. I had
never forgotten that the law of my life was that of obedience. That it
was my duty to honor my father and my mother. So that my years
had nothing to do with the intensity of my filial love and devotion. I
shall never forget her looks when dying, with her eyes fixed on me,
she said, “Do the work of the ministry as becomes a minister of the
Lord Jesus. See to it, that no disgrace is brought on the cause which
you represent by your unworthiness.” To my brother Henry she said,
“My work is done. Neither of you can do me any good. Be earnest
and true to your trust, and meet me in the morning where parting is
no more.” Then she sang with us:
“Guide me, O Thou Great Jehovah,
Pilgrim through this barren land;
I am weak but Thou art mighty,
Hold me with Thy powerful hand.
Bread of Heaven!
Feed me till I want no more.”

“When I tread the verge of Jordan,

Bid my anxious fears subside.
Death of death and Hell’s destruction,—
Land me safe on Canaan’s side.
Songs of Praises,
I will give Thee evermore.”
Then she left us. And from that day until the day when I promised
to meet her, I will be lonely without her.
On September 29, 1905, my youngest and last daughter fell
asleep in the arms of Jesus. On the morning she left us I came to
her bedside. Mrs. Jennie Wise Johnston, wife of the editor, Dr. H. T.
Johnson, was sitting by her bedside holding her hand. She was
rubbing her hands as if she could rub the warmth of life into them.
The poor child cried out, “Papa, Oh, papa!” These were her last
words, she could say no more. Oh those words, how they have rung
in my ears and how the echoes have come to me out of eternity,
“Papa, Oh, papa!” Her mother had stepped into another room to
weep. I could not stand to see her die. The cares and toils and
sacrifices which I had made for her, the love that had bound her to
me, the joys which she had brought into my life,—and now that Grim
Death should be choking her—was more than I could bear. I bowed
my head and prayed and took the train for my appointment in Jersey
City. When I arrived I was handed a telegram announcing that she
had left us. I took the next train and came home. This daughter at
the early age of twelve years, like my other children, had become a
devoted Christian. Her early piety was marked and deep. She lived
until she was twenty-seven years of age. She had been a teacher in
the public school, Mt. Vernon St., Camden, for seven years, a skilled
musician and a competent Sunday School worker.
In passing through all these afflictions, I learned that it was a great
deal easier for one to say what he would do under such
circumstances than it was to do what one ought to do. I had often
said to many under the hand of affliction:
“Cast thy burden on the Lord, for He careth for you.”
I had never learned what that little word, “cast” meant. I found that
it was no easy thing to cast my burden on the Lord. It was no easy
thing to really say, “Thy will be done, not mine.” I would take these
burdens to the Lord, but when I came away I would bring them with
me. Ah! There is the point, I would bring them away with me! This I
should not have done, but thank God, I am becoming able to leave
my burdens with Him. I am too old to carry them now. And my dear
reader, if you in early life can learn to leave your burdens with the
Lord, you will have won the victory of victories. I know that these
dear ones cannot come to me but I can go to them and it will not be
long until I go.
At Jersey City I entered upon my work with a fine body of workers
associated with me. Bros. A. S. Taper, W. H. Dougherty, J. Stokes,
Edward Holmes; sisters, Hannah Stokes, Mamie Taper, Hattie
Dougherty, Louisa Holmes, Anna Burk, Annie Dowers, and a host of
other workers were standing around me in this great field. They did