Your Personality Profile

Your very personal companion to your

partnership

Eric Wriggelsworth
Introduction
Welcome to your personalized Personality Profile. Here
you'll discover what your answers to the eharmony Com-
patibility Quiz reveal about you, how our matching sys-
tem works and how we match you with the people you
want to get to know.
Thanks to the questions you answered when regis-
tering with eharmony, we have identified your unique
Compatibility Dimensions and compared you with the
profiles of other members to generate a personalized list
of eharmony members uniquely suited for you. Some of
these you may have already seen and keep in mind, we'll
continue to match you with new members as they join.
The following pages take a closer look at your ques-
tionnaire results. Here's how it works: we take you
through a step-by-step analysis of your personality,
based on the answers you gave us. In each chapter, we
focus on individual aspects of your personality and show
how they are important in a potential relationship.
This report give you tips for your first date, helpful
advice for a future relationship and how to reach out to
members.
We hope you enjoy your dating journey on eharmony!
Contents
Chapter I: Our Compatibility Matching System
How eharmony's Compatibility Matching System works

The science of love ......................................................................................................................................................................................................3

Personality and attraction
How eharmony brings people together ................................................................................................................................................................4
Matching – the game of subtle differences
How we find a partner who will inspire you for a lifetime ................................................................................................................................5
Love in the long-term
How eharmony predicts lifelong compatibility ...................................................................................................................................................6
Your Compatibility Dimensions
How to understand and use your results ............................................................................................................................................................. 7

Chapter II: Your Compatibility Dimensions

What your results say about you. And what they could mean for your relationship

Fundamentals of your personality .......................................................................................................................................................................... 11

1. Instinctively, emotionally or intellectually: how do you view the world? ................................................................................................ 11
2. Inner energy and self-control: Are you a passionate person? ............................................................................................................... 12
3. How strong are your emotional and logical characteristics? ................................................................................................................. 13
4. Intimacy: what degree of closeness is right for you? ................................................................................................................................ 13
5. Empathy: how good are you at understanding each others' feelings? .............................................................................................. 15
Behaviors and aspirations ....................................................................................................................................................................................... 16
6. How positive are you? ........................................................................................................................................................................................... 16
7. Introvert or extrovert? .............................................................................................................................................................................................17
8. Your approach to social situations ....................................................................................................................................................................17
9. Are you willing to change? .................................................................................................................................................................................. 18
10. Pragmatism: How much do you focus on utility in the way you think and act? ............................................................................. 19
11. Handling frustration: How do you react? ......................................................................................................................................................20
How you like to manage everyday life ................................................................................................................................................................ 22
12. How conventional are you? .............................................................................................................................................................................. 22
13. How much routine do you need in everyday life? .................................................................................................................................... 23
14. Desire for domesticity: Do you need a real/constant home? .............................................................................................................. 24
15. Active or passive? ................................................................................................................................................................................................ 25
16. Preferences and habits ..................................................................................................................................................................................... 25
17. Hobbies and interests ........................................................................................................................................................................................ 25
Chapter III: How you communicate
This section deals with your personal communication style and how you interact with others

Communicating in relationships .......................................................................................................................................................................... 27

How your childhood behavior affects your communication style. ........................................................................................................... 27
18. Natural spontaneity ............................................................................................................................................................................................. 29
19. How to be balanced and adaptable .............................................................................................................................................................. 29
20. Manipulation ......................................................................................................................................................................................................... 29
Parent messages in your communication style .............................................................................................................................................. 31
21. Nurturing parent instincts .................................................................................................................................................................................. 31
22. Critical parent instincts ...................................................................................................................................................................................... 31
23. Adapting your communication style ............................................................................................................................................................. 31
Your communication profile ................................................................................................................................................................................... 33

Chapter IV: It's time to date!

Useful tips for when getting to know each other

The first date ................................................................................................................................................................................................................ 35

Chapter V: Happiness
Our 16 top tips for a happy and fulfilling relationship - and for keeping the spark alive

How to cultivate a happy relationship – 16 top tips ........................................................................................................................................ 37

Chapter VI: In a relationship

Your Personality Profile: The key characteristics at a glance

You as a partner .......................................................................................................................................................................................................... 39

I
Our Compatibility Matching System
How eharmony's Compatibility Matching System works
Chapter I The science of love
The science of love
Most people initially fall in love due to a sensory reaction.
A gut feeling, in other words. When this happens, we're
reacting to how our partner looks and sounds, how they
carry themselves, how they move - even how they smell.
As exciting as these physical reactions are, they're not
part of the deeper layers of compatibility we test for at
eharmony.
This is because, in most cases, love has nothing to
do with these reactions. Failing to understand this can
lead people into an unhappy relationship. You'll be
pleased to hear that, at eharmony, we focus on what
really matters.
We work tirelessly to improve our Compatibility Quiz
and matching algorithm, and are constantly making im-
provements that keep us relevant.
So, are there any rules when it comes to love? Well,
yes and what's more, we know what they are. Certain
things need to happen for two people to take an interest
in each other in the first place. Other factors decide
whether they find each other interesting and are ready to
form a relationship. This is where things get really inter-
esting for us, because there are yet more indicators that
show whether two people will build on this and stay to-
gether in the long run.
These are our areas of expertise and you'll come to
learn about them in the following pages. The questions
you answered will help us test not only if two people like
each other, but whether they have the potential to be
happy together.
You may have found some of the questions very de-
tailed and others unusual. In some cases we ask specific
questions because we know the everyday things that
cause relationships to fail and those which let them flour-
ish. Some questions are designed to capture subconc-
sious traits that influence whether people feel like they're
3
soulmates. The result is a list of personalized Compat-
ibility Dimensions for each eharmony member, which we
use to help you meet your perfect match.
We have never felt it's enough to help two people fall
in love - we aim to build realtionships that last.
So, we built the Compatibility Matching System.
Once we understand your compatibility dimensions, we
compare these to other members to find potential
matches. Each characteristic carries different weight,
and the potential combinations are vast in number, but
the ultimate purpose of the system is to bring the right
people together.
Every relationship is a journey that two people take
together so we even factor in personality traits that will
only materialize in the course of time. Our process en-
sures that you meet someone you can enjoy life's ups
and downs with.
On this journey, two people take the twists and turns
of live together, and sometimes open up new avenues.
Our process ensures that you get to meet someone with
whom you can take most of these twists and turns in life
that still lie ahead of you.
Our approach is scientific and something we're proud
of. As people's needs - and the way they search for
partners - change, so do we. Our international team of
experts, including pyschologists and sociologists, work
tirelessly to keep our algorithm up to date so that every
one of our members benefits from this knowledge, no
matter how long they are with us.
In the next section, we'll explain the Compatibility
Matching System in greater depth. We explain what
factors make people likeable, show you what changes
happen when people commit to each other and reveal
how a lasting relationship is built.
Chapter I Personality and attraction
Personality and attraction
How eharmony brings people together
We focus on the most important factors in a relationship.
We're interested in your approach to life; how you deal
with challenges and how you view the world. After all, this
is what a potential partner needs to know about you too.
Each of us has a set of beliefs and morals that in-
fluence how we see others and how they see us. Our
attitude towards life is driven by a combination of our in-
stincts, feelings and thoughts.
Our instinct is the manner and speed with which we
grasp and react to situations, how we perceive others
and ourselves. That, and our way of thinking, form the
core of our personality. This core is formed in childhood
and although it matures over the course of our life, re-
mains largely unchanged. As we get older, we become
wiser and more compassionate, more confident and
more cynical, but our core personality is largely un-
changed.
Our view of the world, how we deal with people,
places and things: these are the areas where two minds
4
really meet, how soulmates are created. Great friend-
ships are built on similar foundations.
On the other hand, if two people can't see eye to eye
on these basic principles they'll quickly begin to annoy
each other and find themselves having to second-guess
the other's thoughts and perspectives. If we're operating
on a different wavelength to our partner, the relationship
becomes exhausting and difficult.
That's why we compare personality profiles to make
sure these areas are as harmonious as possible.
However, we may also recommend a partner who
matches well in other areas. And opposites really can
attract: for example, a shy person may match well with
someone who is confident in approaching others.
Ultimately, for two people to stay together and be
happy, they have to be on the same wavelength.
You'll find your results for instincts, feelings and intel-
lect, as well as other basic characteristics of your per-
sonality, in the first part of chapter 2.
Chapter I Matching – the game of subtle differences
Matching – the game of subtle differences
How we find a partner who will inspire you for a lifetime
In addition to the fundamental traits described in the pre-
vious chapter, there are other parts of our personality
that contribute to our compatibility with another person.
We look for someone who can inspire us, calm us down
or understand us. Someone who's strong, who sweeps
us off our feet or who keeps us grounded. We're not
looking for someone exactly like us, we're looking for
someone who complements us.
Subtle differences in our personalities can provide
that much needed spark in a lifelong relationship, but
only if those differences are not overwhelming, and if we
know of and accept them. We take all this into account
when choosing the people we recommend for you.
We look at how you deal with everyday life and the
strategies you employ to cope. We also look at your will-
ingness to adapt, how conventional you are, how prag-
5
matic, and how you deal with triumphs and disappoint-
ments. More on this can be found in the second and
third sections of the following chapter, which look at your
everyday life and what you need to be happy.
When it comes to matching you with other eharmony
members, it's about getting the right balance of your fun-
damental personality traits and your approach to every-
day life. Each characteristic is weighted in importance
according to its own set of rules so we can match you
with someone who shares the same core beliefs, but is
different enough to allow both of you room to grow.
Which is why it's so important that you use this report
to understand yourself. Otherwise, you won't be able to
improve yourself, nor be tolerant enough to let your part-
ner be themselves.
Chapter I Love in the long-term
Love in the long-term
How eharmony predicts lifelong compatibility
Relationships grow. While we love the thrill of falling for
someone and spending lazy days just being together,
this has little to do with the reality of a long-term relation-
ship.
As discussed, a real partnership requires fundament-
al similarities in the way we feel, think and behave. It
takes time to reveal our subtle differences and see
whether they build or pull apart a relationship. It takes
time to establish your own rituals and create shared stor-
ies.
The fundmentals of your personality are dealt with in
the first part of your report. Section One looks at your
passion and self-control, including but not limited to your
sex life and intimacy preferences.
Next we analyze your level of empathy for a partner.
It should be no surprise that persistently failing to un-
derstand someone is one of the most common causes
of rejection. No relationship can last if one partner feels
constantly misunderstood.
Finally in this section, we'll explore your logical and
emotional sides. How dominant the logical or emotional
element of the trait is, determines how other perceive us
and how at ease we find ourselves in someone else's
company. Here again, opposites attract.
Most people pick up on these basic personality traits
as soon as they get to know someone. However, we
don't always make good decisions and some people
actively pursue partners who are unsuitable and get into
a cycle of bad relationships. These decisions are often
rooted in childhood experiences that we subconsciously
re-enact through our choice of partner. Needless to say,
these can lead to unhappy experiences.
6
Self-awareness is the first step to freeing oneself
from these destructive cycles. The following Partnership
Book is a tool that will help you understand yourself bet-
ter and therefore approach relationships differently.
It's important to trust in the matches we recommend.
You can be sure we will only suggest people who are a
good match. Your recommended matches are an oppor-
tunity to meet someone you really get along with, who
inspires you and with whom you could build a lasting re-
lationship.
The matches we give you are chosen for the blend of
personality traits and outlooks on life that we've already
discussed. To build a relationship, you need to show
tolerance, empathy and kindness. In our experience, if
someone is overly critical, manipulative or overbearing
towards their partner, that negativity becomes the norm
over time and conflict becomes the default.
To help prevent this, we've profiled your style of com-
munication. How we communicate with each other,
whether we're praising, criticizing or solving problems to-
gether is crucial in determining whether two people be-
come and remain partners.
This is why we've incorporated your style of commu-
nication into our analysis and matching algorithm and,
therefore, your matches.
We'll give you tips on how to express yourself so that
you're understood, empowered to achieve your goals
and communicate with your partner in a way that doesn't
cause unnecessary conflict.
We'll also give you helpful relationship advice to guide
you on your journey with your new partner.
We hope you enjoy learning more about yourself and
find inspiration in this report.
Chapter I Your Compatibility Dimensions

Your Compatibility Dimensions

How to understand and use your results

We have examined 32 characteristics for your Detailed comparison of your result

Personality Profile. Each one of these shapes the quality
of a relationship, which is why we call them partner Desire for intimacy

characteristics. Of these, 21 are what we call your core % 35

personality traits. Five describe your everyday behavior 30

and the remaining six look at your style of
25
communication. Together with your interests and
20
hobbies, these make up your Partner Personality, the
basis of this report and our matching process. 15

10

You can see your results here. 5

0
0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
A typical result P

(P = characteristic points)
105
Conventionality
115
Unconventionality Your result compared to other people
60 70 80 90 100 110 120 130 140

Your result compared to potential partners

This graphic shows how pronounced a given charac-
teristic is. We compare your value to the average value Desire for relational intimacy among daters

range (highlighted in blue), which always lies between 90 % 35

and 110. The rating works in a similar way to an IQ rating, 30

where the average is around 100 and mid-range respre- 25

sents about two thirds of the population. 20

If this is below 90, then the characteristic is less pro-

15
nounced than the population average. If the value is
10
above 110, it’s more pronounced.
5

0
0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
P

(P = characteristic points)

This graph shows how you compare for a given trait with
potential partners. This gives you an idea of how realist-
ic your chances are of meeting someone who matches
your expectations. Here, the area highlighted in blue
shows the percentage of people that are potentially
good matches.

7
Chapter I Your Compatibility Dimensions

Overview for combined characteristics Your personal summary

Your basic behavioral tendencies Free spirit

Sometimes you flout conventional norms and break the
rules because, deep down, you refuse not to live your life
25% Driven by instinct in your own way. This is an interesting, if rare, combina-
35% Driven by feelings
tion of traits. Make sure you and your future partner are
40% Driven by intellect
on the same page where this is concerned.

Each of your results ends with a succinct summary

based on the particular trait. We also advise you on what
you should look out for when choosing a partner.
Your results are in the following personality summary.

Everyone is unique.
Please know that your personality is a unique blend of
traits, and our matching process is designed to give you
an honest look at yourself.

8
II
Your Compatibility Dimensions
What your results say about you. And what they could mean for
your relationship
Chapter II Your Compatibility Dimensions
Falling in love can feel like meeting someone we've
already known for ages. Their presence feels oddly fa-
miliar, as if meeting them was inevitable. At the same
time, they seem attractive, exciting and wonderful. It can
be a disconcerting experience, but one we enjoy every
moment of. That's what it feels like to be in love and it's a
wonderful phenomenon.
This process of emotional attraction and the feeling
of having found a soulmate is intensely exciting because
of the sensation of someone reaching areas of our per-
sonality we usually can't tap into directly.
10
Surrounding this emotional core of attraction are sev-
eral other traits and characteristics that ultimately focus
on how we want to structure our everyday life together.
These are hugely significant for a happy partnership.
When it comes to finding the right partner, it's really
important to be clear about why someone might be suit-
able for a long-term relationship. To answer this we first
need to know ourselves and figure out the personality
traits that appeal to a potential partner.
Chapter II Fundamentals of your personality
Fundamentals of your personality
Essentially, our partner characteristics are generally
about how we see the world: Rationally, emotionally or
instinctively, the vitality which we live by and how much
control we have over this force. Another central question,
particularly to a partnership, is how much closeness and
distance we need to our partner, no matter how much we
love them. Last but not least, we need to be clear about
how much empathy we’re willing and able to give anoth-
er person.
Most of these characteristics develop in childhood
and mature during puberty. They're affected by our ex-
periences and together, form the core of our personality:
what makes us different, how we feel and how others
perceive us.
These fundamentals are what make us unique, and
all our other personality traits are like layers around this
core. To find you a long-term relationship, we need to un-
cover and explain these fundamental traits.
It can be interesting that when we begin to fall in
love, these personality traits can take a backseat if we
let ourselves see through rose-colored glasses. Some-
times only after a few dates we finally realize there’s no
chemistry.
At eharmony, we aim to cut through these superficial
factors. Our job is to help you get to know yourself: we'll
find you someone who complements you, in more ways
than you can imagine, based on your fundamental char-
acteristics. This is what this chapter is all about.
1. Instinctively, emotionally or intellectually: how
do you view the world?
We experience and shape the world around us in three
different ways: instinctively, emotionally and intellectu-
ally. All three aspects develop during childhood and ma-
ture throughout our lives, but the way in which they inter-
act remains largely unchanged. Essentially, they determ-
ine how we experience reality, and this can differ greatly
between two people. When two people form a relation-
ship, they try to bring these differing outlooks together in
the most harmonious way possible.
11
Instinct can include everything unfiltered, spontaneous
and reflexive. These responses are natural and innate:
think of the way a newborn baby grabs things on reflex,
or how the thought of our favorite food makes us salivate.
Instinctive behavior is genuine, unthinking and impulsive.
Instinctive decisions are those you make with your gut,
for reasons we only become aware of afterwards. In-
stincts make us quick and alert.
Emotions change our perception. When we interact
with someone or understand a situation, our judgement
is coloured by joy, surprise, anger, pity - whatever we
happen to feel at the time. In a relationship, the greater
the range of emotions, the more intense the experience.
Showing our feelings, and getting a similar response,
creates bonds.
Our intellect is how we apply our brains to figuring
out the world around us. We use our minds to create
connections between cause and effect, build factual ar-
guments and perhaps keep our emotions in check. Our
brains try to classify the world in to categories, create
rules and and generalizations, and compel us to make
judgements and behave accordingly.
It's very helpful in a relationship to know the ratio of
these three core characteristics that shape your beha-
vior. When we describe someone as not being on our
wavelength, it's often because there's a big difference in
how we see the world, particularly if one person is guided
by instinct and the other by emotion or intellect.
Chapter II Fundamentals of your personality
Find out now which ratio of instinct, emotion and intellect
come together in your personality, and how this mix
shapes how you see things and act.
Your basic behavioral tendencies
25% Driven by instinct
35% Driven by emotion
40% Driven by intellect
Your behavior is less guided by your instinct, strongly driven by emotion and
strongly ruled by intellect.
The following graphic shows you how pronounced each
aspect is in you.
95
Instinct
Emotion
Intellect
60 70 80 90
Compared to other people you're moderately instinctive,
your emotions have a moderate influence and your be-
havior is strongly driven by your intellect.
Reliable, loyal and strong
Your personality is defined by reliability. You're always
ready to listen when others worry and are there to offer
help and advice. While you're a good friend, it's important
not to neglect your own needs. This combination of
strength and sincerity sets your personality apart.
Our tip: Don't change a thing
We match you by analyzing the interaction of of instinct,
emotion and rationality in other profiles and seeing which
potential partners align with you in these areas.
However, we also take into consideration that there
are characteristics where opposites can complement
each other really well. It may be ideal for a relationship
if, for instance, a person driven by their head meets
someone driven more by their instinct – provided they
both accept one another and bring with them a degree
of readiness to adapt. If we discover such opportunities,
we’ll recommend them to you. Nevertheless, we’ll also
recommend members to you who match well with your
profile in other areas than just these three.
Make sure your emotional values don't differ hugely
from those of potential partners. Big differences in this
area aren't easy to overcome.
2. Inner energy and self-control: Are you a pas-
sionate person?
Passion is an elemental inner force. We are born with it.
It ensures our needs are met, that we don't merely satis-
fy the urge to eat, drink, to find sex and love, but that we
can enjoy them fully. This emotional energy is tempered
by a degree of control which ensures our passions are
not unbridled, but socially acceptable.
For example, when some people are out shopping
they will make impulse purchases because that’s what
they want to do at that given time. While others will see
110
something they want to buy, save up the money and buy
121
in a couple of months.
100 110 120 130 140
This creates conflict between the opposing forces in
our personality. One drives us to follow instinctive desire,
the other warns against the consequences and controls
our behavior, keeping it in check.
In childhood, our instincts are informed by external
factors, namely parents, guardians and other role mod-
els like teachers or grandparents. This helps us create
the norms and social standards children abide by.
Basic instincts differ for everyone - no one person is
the same. Some people’s self-control is stronger while
other people are ruled by their impulses. It can be helpful
to have a mix of both of these in your life.
Find out now how balanced and pronounced your inner
energy and self-control are:
Inner energy
101
Self-control 92
60 70 80 90 100 110 120 130 140
Your inner energy is quite high and your self-control is
not particularly strong.
12
Chapter II Fundamentals of your personality
Having a lot of fun
Even when you really let your hair down there's always an
element of control and you know how far you can push
things. You enjoy life to the max and, when it comes to
love, need a partner who is similar.
In relationships, this tug of war between passion and
control is highly significant. If both partners are passion-
ate, while things won’t be boring, they will be slightly
without boundaries. If control is stronger than passion in
both partners, that fits too. A balance between passion
and self-control is always a good thing. If both forces
work together, the relationship promises to be a dynamic
one with a constant spark. If the values of both are
equally high, it’ll be a fiery relationship that doesn’t dis-
regard boundaries. If the values of both are similarly
weak, you’re in for a peaceful, harmonious relationship.
3. How strong are your emotional and logical
characteristics?
More emotional characteristics include being driven by
your kindness, warm-heartedness and empathy and
also moodiness. More logical characteristics include ra-
tionality and courage and also the desire for power and
callousness.
Having more emotional or logical attributes isn't neg-
ative or positive, and most of us embody a mix of these
characteristics. Having a better understanding of our
own personalities helps us to better understand others
as well as the traits in others that best complement our
own.
What's interesting is what works in a relationship, and
this is usually when both partners' characteristics com-
plement each other. This can happen when two people
share a personality in trait in common, or can be an in-
stance of opposites attracting.
In simple terms, someone who acts more on emotion
will find value with someone who acts more on logic.
Combining these opposites can create attraction.
However, the distribution of these traits is not always
clear cut and everyone brings their own mix to a relation-
ship. Each relationship needs to find its own recipe for
success.
13
Find out more about your emotional and logical values
here - and discover which partner complements you.
103
Emotional values
114
Logical values
60 70 80 90 100 110 120 130 140
Your logical and emotional characteristics
Your logical traits are strong and your emotional traits are
moderate. You don't get sentimental and it's your nat-
ural instinct to take the lead in a relationship. It's up to
you to add a dash of coolness and think objectively. You
think issues through and make sure mutual goals are
reached. You like to take the initiative while also being
warm-hearted and empathetic towards your partner.
4. Intimacy: what degree of closeness is right for
you?
All relationships are 'close' to some extent, but the de-
gree of it we desire from our partner can vary greatly.
While everyone needs 'me time' and to be left alone
now and again, it's important to understand to how much
closeness you want, particularly after the initial stage of
infatuation has worn off and a more mature relationship
is developing.
For some, experiencing closeness may just be about
sharing an experience, or a hobby - you could think of it
in terms of having something to talk about together. The
need for distance, equally, might be expressed simply
through the pleasure of doing something alone. Both de-
sires can be positive in relationship terms.
For each individual, the importance of closeness and
distance, and the relationship between those tenden-
cies, is a highly distinctive characteristic. Whether a re-
lationship works or not depends a lot on how similar two
people are in this regard.
Finding common ground and understanding the re-
spective needs of each partner will form a solid base for
a lasting relationship. It doesn’t really matter how much
closeness or distance each partner needs as long as
both are broadly similar. In the long term, it's not
something on which you can easily compromise. Trying
to adapt to the other person's different needs and, in
the process, repressing your own will use up a lot of
Chapter II Fundamentals of your personality

emotional energy. The feeling that you've given up on for closeness can come out of a fear of abandonment
something instrinsic to your personality will be a daily or betrayal. In such situations, desires become demands
source of friction. and the healthy methods of dealing with closeness and
On the surface, two people needing different distance become mechanisms of control.
amounts of space can lead to issues. A partner who In reality, the balance between closeness and dis-
needs closeness can feel pushed aside and can form tance can be the best foundation for a happy relation-
the impressions of not being loved. The person who ship. The degree of closeness doesn't really matter:
needs more distance can feel pressured and that their some couples manage to both live and work together
partner is too clingy. while equally happy ones might not even live together.
But be careful: when times get tough, changing be-
havior in closeness shouldn't be confused with trying Find out how much you need closeness in a relationship.
to avoid problems, or outright rejection. Even if you and
your partner's needs are pretty similar, creating close- 104
Desire for intimacy
ness or distance can be used as a response to various
problems. For instance, if one partner is finding the other 60 70 80 90 100 110 120 130 140

unbearable, they can choose to distance themselves in-

stead of tackling the problem. Or an exaggerated need The results show: it’s important to you to be really close
to your partner.
Desire for relational intimacy among others

% 35
Everything's better when shared
30
You want a relationship where spending time together
plays a central role. You do things by yourself sometimes
25
but prefer not to, and more distance than strictly neces-
20
sary disturbs you.
15

10 As you can see, you like a bit more closeness than other
5 people. It’s ok: While most people need slightly less
0 closeness than you, the circle of those who suit you in
0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12
P this regard is still big enough for you to easily make the
right choice.
Your result compared to other daters
The more balanced the desire for closeness and dis-
tance in a relationship, the easier it becomes. Two
Desire for relational intimacy among others people whose needs are very different in this regard find
% 35
it hard to discover common ground. A good balance,
rather than the strength of desire for closeness, is the
30
key factor between partners.
25
To make things even harder, people often misjudge
20
their desire for closeness when in love. The initial and
15
understandable desire for closeness can mean you put
10 your true needs on the back burner. Look closely at the
5 results for both you and your potential partner, and see if
0 you suit each other in this respect.
0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12
P

Your ideal partner: Daters whose values are in the marked range are a good
match for you. (P = characteristic points)

14
Chapter II Fundamentals of your personality

5. Empathy: how good are you at understanding
each others' feelings?
Empathy is the ability to recognize and understand the
feelings, thoughts and motivations of other people, and
to actively share those emotions. Empathizing means
overcoming self-centeredness and seeing things from
other people's perspective. Without empathy, it's difficult
to understand what makes your partner tick.
What's more, empathy lets us understand what
someone is really thinking, beyond face value. Having
this ability means we are touched by others' emotions
and experiences. Empathy allows us to see what's going
on beneath the surface, even if someones's words, ges-
tures and facial expressions say something different.
We are all different when it comes to empathy. Our ability
to empathize is developed during childhood, when our
Empathy among others
role models teach us to think about not just our own in-
terests but to recognize others’ emotions and needs.
The more we use our empathetic skills in life, the better
able we are to tap into and put this power to use.
Less empathetic people often miss key signals in
everyday life, such as if a friend is miserable but trying to
hide it, or if conflict is brewing in a group.
In any relationship, a sense of empathy is what allows
you to develop a deep understanding of your partner and
the key to unlocking their emotions. However, too much
empathy can be stressful if you’re focusing too little on
your own feelings and more on your partner’s. By con-
trast, too little empathy can cause your partner to feel
misunderstood and emotionally abandoned.
Empathy is a sensitive topic but it's important for
every couple to discover what level of it makes them
both feel at ease. This is especially important if one part-
ner is more empathetic than the other.

% 35
See for yourself how important empathy is to you and
30
what it means for you and your partnership.

25

100
20 Empathy

15 60 70 80 90 100 110 120 130 140

10

5 Your level of empathy compared to others is quite pro-

0 nounced.
0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12
P

Trust your emotions

Your level of empathy compared to others is
Deep down, you like to be clear and unambiguous. But
you also use your inventiveness to solve daily issues and
Empathy among others to understand moods and feelings, both your own and
% 35
those of others. This is a good foundation for a success-
ful relationship.
30
Our tip: Let your empathy loose a bit more. This might
25
allow you to better understand your partner’s (and your
20
own) desires, and be even more understanding towards
15
them. Let your imagination run wild and give in to ro-
10 mantic notions.
5

0 Empathy helps you recognize and react to your partner's

0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12
P desires, but also to better understand and communicate
your own needs.
Your partner’s area: People whose values are in the marked range are a good
match. (P = characteristic points)

15
Chapter II Behaviors and aspirations

Behaviors and aspirations

Our ideal partner is someone both similar to us in our
outlook on life but different enough so as to complement
and challenge us. The secret to any relationship is strik-
ing the right balance.
There is no one-size-fits-all rule for the perfect blend
of personalities in a relationship. And don't be fooled into
thinking that agreeing on everything is the formula for
success - while we need to be similar in our core beliefs,
we also need to challenge each other.
We know the areas of personality where differences
can have a positive effect on a relationship. Beyond our
fundamental beliefs and values, we also consider how
we tend to react, how we behave and what we aspire to.
We start by asking how you relate to the world around
you.
We aim to match you with someone who will bring out
the best in life, even the mundane and the difficult parts.
6. How positive are you?
How do you approach life? Are you a half glass full or a
glass half empty person? People with a positive outlook
on life will find it easier to see the silver lining in any situ-
ation and better deal with life's setbacks. These people
meet life with a smile.
Of course, viewing life through rose-colored glasses can
also lead to a distorted view of the world. It is important
to be able to receive and process criticism, to be able to
distance ourselves from situations and to be objective.
Basic attitude
% 35
30
25

To do this, it's important for us to understand how you 20

process life and how you react to it. Is your first response 15

a knee-jerk reaction, or do you prefer to take stock and 10

think before you react? 5

It's also important to understand how outgoing (or 0

not) you are socially. We need to understand how much 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7
P
you are willing to change for someone else and what the
limits are. Your result compared to others

We want to know how you approach life. Do you need

purpose in everything you do, or can you enjoy
Basic attitude
something seemingly meaningless simply because you
% 35
find it fun? Finally, we aim to find out how you handle ad-
30
versity. If things don't work out your way, how do you re-
spond? Do you simmer with resentment or do you bang 25

your fists on the table and start ranting? 20

All these questions are crucial to helping us find you 15

the right partner. And it's not just about recognizing your 10

personality traits, we aim to show you the characteristics 5

your partner should have to ensure a long and happy re-

0
lationship. 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7
P
The eharmony matching process ensures you find a
partner who has the right balance of similarities and dif- Your ideal partner: People whose values are in this range are a good match
for you
ferences where it matters.

16
Chapter II Behaviors and aspirations
People's attitudes to life may differ greatly, but that
doesn't mean that they can't enjoy a wonderful relation-
ship. Someone who's positive through and through can
lift someone with a more negative outlook, while the per-
son who is more easily carried away may find a down-to-
earth partner helps keep them grounded.
Your results:
100
Positive attitude
60 70 80 90 100
You have a broadly positive view of the world
Glass is alway half-full
You're an optimist and have the ability to see the positive
in anything. You see the small successes in the same
light as the larger events. This light-hearted and straight-
forward way of thinking makes you the best person for a
partner who is kind and warm.
You're moderately optimistic and most people see the
world in a similar way as you.
With your positive attitude, you're a great match for
many people. Your balanced attitude makes you a great
partner for people who are more optimistic or critical
than you.
7. Introvert or extrovert?
We all process life in different ways but our personalities
are predominantly either introverted or extroverted.
Two kinds of influence can be identified, which,
however, do not completely determine our feelings and
thoughts when processing experiences. Like with other
characteristics, the individual balance of the two is im-
portant. The first way is called extraversion, which is fo-
cused on the outside world. In contrast to that is introver-
sion.
Introverts make decisions by inwardly weighing up
their own thoughts and feelings. They tend to quietly ob-
serve, take in details and interpret information to arm
them with facts they will use to make a decision.
They shield their emotions from those around them,
which is why introverts come across as shy or indifferent.
They tend to need calm and quiet to make a decision
they are satisfied with.
Extroverts primarily use external cues to make de-
cisions and tend to react spontaneously. They also like
to be the center of attention.
Because an extrovert uses input from others to make
decisions, they will seek to engage people in conversa-
tion to validate their theories.
Every person has aspects of introversion and
110 120 130 140
extroversion that result in their unique personality.
Introvert or extrovert?
112
Introversion
105
Extroversion
60 70 80 90 100 110 120 130 140
You're extremely introverted and just as extroverted as
others.
Your results show you are somewhat introverted.
Depth and honesty
You love to observe people and events, truly getting to
know someone, which adds a richness to your relation-
ships. This deep connection means you can experience
the highest highs but also feel the lows. You present
yourself as open and spontaneous, making it easy to
form relationships. You would benefit from a partner with
a similar outlook. You'll find a more introverted partner
would open you up, while a highly extroverted person
may result in you withdrawing into yourself.
When you're looking for a partner, think about how the in-
trovert/extrovert types make you feel. If you're happy with
your own balance, look for someone like you. If you're not
happy and over-index one way or the other, look for a
partner who can help you redress that balance.
8. Your approach to social situations
People need connection and having a partner can help
us grow and develop as a person. We need others to
talk about our ideas and support us when difficult topics
17
Chapter II Behaviors and aspirations
come up. While everyone enjoys company and conver-
sation, it isn’t easy for everyone to meet new people.
There are two main things that determine how we be-
have socially: our desire for social connection and our
natural inhibitions. A desire for social interaction is what
drives us to start a conversation. Inhibition does the op-
posite. This is also true of relationships and impacts
whether we're forthcoming with our feelings or are more
reserved. A healthy balance of the two means we have
the confidence to make a connection and build a rela-
tionship, without overstepping social boundaries.
Some people are outgoing, others are more inhibited.
We tend to connect best with people that are similar to
ourselves in their outlook.
Imagine you have just met someone who shared in-
timate stories about themselves, or someone who didn't
reciprocate when you opened up to them. The situation
quickly turns awkward.
It's our desire to be sociable that makes us ap-
proachable and allows us to get to know someone bet-
ter, but being too keen can put people off. More subtle
differences in our approach to social situations, on the
other hand, can be really good for us and help draw us
out of our shell, or apply the brakes if we're getting a bit
carried away.
This section shows how sociable or inhibited you are.
85
Desire for social interaction
Inhibition towards social
interaction
60 70 80 90
Your desire for social interaction is remarkably low. You
also find it a bit difficult to approach other people.
Your reservations are your undoing
You have issues getting to know someone new when it
really doesn't have to be a big deal. You hold back from
opening up to someone you like because you get hung
up on the ifs and buts, overcomplicating and overana-
lyzing your encounters. Don't try to play everything out in
your mind, just let things unfold naturally. You would be-
nefit from meeting someone who can help bring you out
of your shell.
The balance between our desire for social interaction
and our natural inhibitions has a big impact on how we
get to know each other, either in friendships or romantic
relationships.
If we're too inhibited then we're not true to ourselves
and it's harder to judge someone else's intentions. Our
inhibitions can be so strong that we fail to notice the oth-
er person is interested in us and would like to get to know
us. On the other hand a little inhibition is a good thing -
some humility adds a certain charm and shows we're hu-
man. Butterflies in the stomach are part of the exhilara-
tion.
When you're meeting new people, consider what
you've learned here and the other person's natural
propensity for socializing or shyness. While you don't
need to be an identical match, you should look for
someone with a similar outlook so you feel comfortable
together.
9. Are you willing to change?
As adults, we arrange our lives to suit our preferences.
Our homes can be modern and functional or cozy and
comforting. We may prefer pop music or heavy metal.
We might dress in blazers and trousers or be happy in
jeans and a t-shirt. Whatever our style, it's part of our per-
sonality and a good proportion of our happiness hinges
on these things.
Variety is the spice of life but too many differences in
personal taste can spell trouble in a relationship. What
107
start as charming quirks can develop into annoying
habits and your partner's interesting hobbies may come
100 110 120 130 140
to feel like ridiculous obsessions, so think carefully about
how willing you are to accommodate the things that mat-
ter to another person.
Society today is geared towards individuality - even your
shampoo and conditioner can be tailor-made to your
preference. We want to think of ourselves as unique. This
is important in a relationship because we want to main-
tain our own identity. If we take on too much of our part-
ner's outlook on life then we can start to lose who we are.
But don't worry, we can benefit from a fresh perspective
to complement our own.
Being in a relationship can reinvigorate our outlook
on life and a willingness to adapt is an essential part of
the bond. Opposites can attract, so long as you've es-
18
Chapter II Behaviors and aspirations

tablished common ground. Adapting to another person's How willing you are to adapt in a relationship
view requires tolerance and empathy to see the world
through another person's eyes, which in turn expands 101
Willingness to adapt
your own horizons.
Of course, there are limits to what we can tolerate. 60 70 80 90 100 110 120 130 140

Coming from a different social background can be diffi-

cult if it means we have wildly different tastes and prefer-
ences. Fairytales like Cinderella are not exactly realistic
and the differences in two people from different ends of
the cultural spectrum may be too much to overcome -
unless one person is willing to completely change, which
may not be the best grounding for an honest relation-
ship.
Willingness to adapt
% 35
30
25
Your willingness to adapt is moderate.
Allow yourself to be won over
You're at your most comfortable in your work and home
life, when other people aren't interfering, but you know
this isn't the best way to deal with other people. Good
relationships involve a healthy exchange of ideas and
discussion around different points of view. The best ap-
proach is to keep an opinion of your own while accepting
of the views of others too.
Our tip: A harmonious partnership relies upon the
partners’ ability to give and take, taking to heart the im-
portance of interaction – so remember to take turns! You
can get closer to your partner if you are prepared to com-
promise sometimes.

20 Your willingness to adapt is average. While you like doing

15 things your way, you are also open to trying new things.
10 This is a great balance when trying to find a relationship.
5

0
10. Pragmatism: How much do you focus on utility
0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
in the way you think and act?
P

Your result compared to other people (P = characteristic points) Pragmatists are focused and sometimes lose the emo-
tion of situations. They devote themselves to their goals.
They are reluctant to be distracted or long-term think-
Willingness to adapt
ings, as their path is determined by the search for simple
% 35
solutions. Pragmatists follow the principle of achieving
30
their own goals in the easiest way possible under the
25
given circumstances. However, it’s a different story as to
20 whether they're rational, instinctive or emotional. The an-
15 swer to this can be found in the “From what angle do you
10 view the world? Instinct, feeling or intellect” character-
5
istic area under the “Fundamentals of your personality”
section.
0
0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Pragmatic solutions always work when a fast and fo-
P
cused approach is needed. However, if this approach is
Take a look: Here are members that could be a good match for you. (P = char- enforced too rigorously, there is a risk that creativity and
acteristic points)
new solutions are nipped in the bud.

19
Chapter II Behaviors and aspirations

If your life is overly focused on pragmatic considerations, As pragmatic as necessary, as open as possible
sooner or later you'll have a tough time in a relationship You’re quite a pragmatic person, yet you’re equally pre-
and your partner may feel their needs are not being met. pared to open yourself up to romantic moments in every-
Unless, that is, they're also a pragmatist: this can com- day life. The best foundation for a harmonious partner-
plement a relationship, especially when there's not a lot ship.
of time for decisions because of physical, monetary or
time constraints. You have a good sense of logic. You are purpose-driven,
practical in everyday life, but you also can pivot to differ-
Find out now how pragmatic your thinking and actions ent ways of thinking if necessary.
are.
11. Handling frustration: How do you react?
97
Pragmatism
It’s one of the first painful experiences you have in life:
60 70 80 90 100 110 120 130 140
you don’t always get what you want. In psychology this
feeling is called frustration. Every child immediately and
Your level of pragmatism is moderate. This means you clearly acknowledges the difference between expecta-
occasionally make one or the other pragmatic decision. tion and reality by throwing a tantrum.
As part of growing up, the understanding sinks in that
Pragmatism among others the world isn’t always the way we want it to be. Some-
% 35
times our ideas are unrealistic; sometimes the world is
30
simply unfair. Disasters happen, we experience minor
and major disappointments. We have to deal with pro-
25
fessional failures and hurt feelings.
20
In good times, we shrug our shoulders at life’s little
15
disasters. In bad times, we’re thrown into a rage by a
10 driver honking their horn. But it’s not only the type of
5 day we’re having that’s decisive – everyone has a certain
0 way of dealing with annoyances. How much frustration
0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
P we can tolerate determines how we react to certain situ-
ations.
Your results compared to other people (P = characteristic points)
Your own way of reacting to things depends on the
mix of four styles in your character. Get to know your four
Pragmatism among others styles:
% 35
Not Caring: When things go wrong, instead of lashing
out we shrug our shoulders and say “it could be worse”.
30
Behind the seemingly cool and calm surface may lie
25
a fear of getting into an argument or being less liked.
20
Those who don’t complain about a disastrous date may
15
do so only not to miss out on the chance to go on anoth-
10 er.
5 Withdrawing: This is a tried and tested approach. It al-
0 lows you to protect yourself or get over disappointments,
0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11
P insults or offence, to process them and perhaps even
come to the realization that life goes on. This can also be
Take a look: Here are people that could be a good match for you. (P = char-
acteristic points)
a call for help.

20
Chapter II Behaviors and aspirations

Compensate: This is an attempt to restore emotional See how you handle disappointments and frustration
balance. Disappointment and frustration are neutralized
by doing something good for yourself. This can be bene- The following graphic shows you your ratio of these
ficial and healthy – even in a relationship. However, com- behavioral tendencies.
pensating can be quite the opposite if used under the
pretext of revenge. 104
Generosity
Asserting Ourselves: Ultimately, there is a way of re- 100
Withdrawal
acting to frustration by asserting immediately that we 94
Tendency to compensate
won’t accept disappointment or insults. We seek re- 108
Assertiveness
venge or at least an apology from others so we can move
on from the situation. 60 70 80 90 100 110 120 130 140

Of course, these patterns of behavior play a decisive

role in our relationships. However, similar patterns of be-
havior don’t necessarily create a harmonious state. If
both partners retreat into their shell, there is no way to
process the experience together.
You should also understand how to get a read on your
partner to assist them when they get annoyed. To com-
fort them when they're upset, bring them out of their shell
when they want to be alone to keep the balance in your
relationship.
Incidentally, these patterns of behavior are not inde-
libly imprinted on you. Relationships are dynamic, chan-
ging themselves as well as changing those involved.
Every shared experience, even the bad ones, can make
two people grow together.
It will also be important to your relationship to under-
stand the ratio in your partner’s character. Can one com-
pensate for the other’s feelings? Do we calm each other
down or do we push each other's buttons? How do we
deal with shared expectations and disappointments?
Your reaction to frustration
The tendency to be forgiving
You're quite a forgiving person. This means you don't
dwell on disappointment, but you also don't ignore it.
This is helpful for a happy relationship.
A tendency to withdraw
You withdraw to a healthy degree when people let you
down but this is an appropriate way to get some dis-
tance and deal with problems. Doing so means you
avoid further injury on both sides and can gain new in-
sights.
A tendency to compensate
When people let you down, you very rarely attempt to
compromise. This can neutralize the situation and take
away that ominous feeling. Think about what you need to
feel better, and share it with others. Expressing yourself
and your emotions is much more understandable to the
other person than an excessive degree of forgiveness,
withdrawal or self-assertion.

The need to assert yourself

This approach is healthy and allows you to assert your-
self in an argument. As long as this isn't your only reac-
tion, this can be a good opportunity to deal with frustra-
tion and voice your opinion.

21
Chapter II How you like to manage everyday life
How you like to manage everyday life
Everyday life is where your relationship plays out. It can
be difficult to organize the personal routines of two
people in such a way to keep both happy.
A new partner can either add to your daily balancing
act or they can bring it crashing down. However you
both enter into your life together, don’t underestimate
the fact that everyday life is where your partnership will
either blossom or wither. Life confronts us with hundreds
of both minor and major challenges every day which
we need to face together. As such, every couple should
work as a team. If you succeed in sharing out all those
little everyday tasks in such a way that they are each
dealt with by the best person for the job, you’re already
halfway to success!
The question of how important conventions are for
each individual is essential for coping with everyday life.
How someone behaves personally doesn't matter much,
but it's important that both partners are similar in this be-
havior.
In answering the question as to how you manage
everyday life, other factors come into play, such as how
much routine and balance you need.
Domesticity plays a central role in any relationship -
how much you explore versus how chaotic your life is
naturally. Lastly, how active you like to be - full schedule,
always on the go - versus how much you yearn for the
quiet life, plays a big role.
When analyzing your characteristics there will be
some key similarities, like your affinity for conventions
and norms. On the other hand, you'll also see how differ-
ences can have a positive effect if they aren't too signi-
ficant – and if you want to develop in one area or another.
12. How conventional are you?
In this chapter we compare two very similar characterist-
ics, which should nonetheless be treated differently. One
focuses on sticking to the rules and the other on bend-
ing and breaking them.
Conventionality measures the degree to which we
agree with traditions, values and norms. It's about the ba-
22
sic set of rules agreed upon in any society and how you
deal with these. It includes things like respecting com-
mands and prohibitions as well as good manners and
etiquette. All these, of course, matter in a relationship.
The other trait is our need and willingness to break
established rules and conventions, to strive to be orign-
inal and individual.
While the first of these traits has a strong social com-
ponent, the second is highly personal. One is about a tra-
ditional attitude, the other about the inner urge to defy
conventions and values. But conventiality and uncon-
ventiality are not polar opposites. Everyone can use both
to express their private and public attitudes to their val-
ues.
Take Robin Hood as an example of someone who is
strong in both aspects. He lives with a gang in the forest,
he steals from the Sheriff of Nottingham and he defies
all the rules of the medieval establishment. At the same
time he's a traditionalist: he courts Maid Marian with his
mischievous manners and his value system is clear and
immovable. He's also a royalist, loyal to King Richard
whose return he anticipates.
We can see how he combines courtesy and eccent-
ricity, deep-rooted values and a joy in breaking the rules
- none of these aspects are mutually exclusive. Almost
everyone shows respect to traditional values through
good manners, while at the same time, small, spontan-
eous outbursts from the straitjacket of convention are
often welcome. When two people get together who are
very different in these values, the results can be exotic
and exciting at first. But in the long term, they need a
common approach as conflict could easily arise from
this friction.
Everyone has a conventional side and another that
urges us to break the rules. In a relationship, small dif-
ferences in this aspect can be an asset, as long as they
are approached with tolerance and curiosity. Try to un-
derstand how much you secretly want to cross the line
or, alternatively, if it would be good for you to stay closer
to social expectations more often.
Chapter II How you like to manage everyday life

Find out how important convention is to you or whether
you prefer to break the rules.
Conventionality
Unconventionality
60 70 80 90
Your conventional side is moderate and your desire to
defy norms is high.
A free spirit with sound judgment
Although you largely abide by social conventions, in
some situations you deliberately break behavioral rules
because deep down you're committed to living your life
your own way. This is an interesting, albeit rare, combin-
ation of these traits and you should make sure you and
your partner are on the same page.
13. How much routine do you need in everyday
life?
This section looks at your desire for structure and
routine: do you have a to-do list every day or is it more
like organized chaos? Do you like surprises or prefer
to know everything in advance? There are those who
want routine and organization and others that appreciate
One person might need rules and order and the other
spontaneity. At first glance, you may think that people
who differ on routine would have problems. But if one
105
partner is willing to adapt where big differences exist, a
115
relationship can be built.One person might need rules
and order and the other spontaneity. At first glance, you
100 110 120 130 140
may think that people who differ on routine would have
problems. But if one partner is willing to adapt where big
differences exist, a relationship can be built.
Where rules and structures are concerned, it’s im-
portant to know your personal preferences and what you
need to feel comfortable. However, if there are big differ-
ences and there is little willingness to adapt, you should
look for a partner who is on your wavelength.
If you and your partner do differ, consider how a dif-
ferent perspective can help you grow as a person. A
slight sense of order can help sort out the daily mess.
Rigid rules can handle a pinch of spontaneity. In this re-
gard, the little differences can enrich your personality
and you’ll both complement each other.
Discover how much regularity you want in your everyday
life - and what kind of partner you should look out for.
96
Desire for routine
60 70 80 90 100 110 120 130 140

more spontaneity.
There is no right or wrong. However much or little reg- Compared to others, you place the same amount of
ularity and routine you need, it's perfectly fine. value on routine in everyday life.

Desire for structure

Desire for routine
% 35
% 35
30
30
25
25
20
20
15
15
10
10
5
5
0
0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
0
0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 P
P
Your ideal partner: those whose values are in the marked range are a good
Your result compared to others match for you. (P = characteristic points)

23
Chapter II How you like to manage everyday life

A talent for organising Every relationship needs somewhere you can get to-
Although you like your day to be flexible, you appreciate gether and shut out the world. For most people this place
the advantages of a structured life. You’ve learned that is their own home, the time we spend together at home
routine makes your everyday life simpler and more man- is shared relaxing time. Where people differ in this as-
ageable. The ability to organize things and go along with pect is solely down to the amount of time we like to
arrangements also makes life easier. This is particularly spend at home.
true when a couple decides to live together.
Learn something about yourself regarding domesticity:
You like the same amount of structure and routine as
most people. You also want flexibility and to be able to 102
Desire for domesticity
plan ahead.
It also means that you’re a great match in this regard. 60 70 80 90 100 110 120 130 140

14. Desire for domesticity: Do you need a real/
constant home?
Everyone needs somewhere they feel safe. Of course,
the idea of a home isn’t equally important to everyone.
Not everyone feels the need to create a single place of
refuge.
Many places can be home. Some feel it in the local
bar or club, others enjoy spending time with their neigh-
bors. There are those who go to a busy park to chill,
whereas others relax in the bustle of the big city. There
are many who feel home is their best place and who
put huge amounts of energy into creating their perfect
space.
Do you usually prefer to go out or stay in? Do you feel
more comfortable visiting a new restaurant with friends
or inviting them over to watch Netflix?
Domesticity is of moderate importance to you.
Staying put or going out? Both
You’d like a relationship because you’re looking forward
to creating a home with your partner. But this doesn’t rule
out having fun outside your own four walls. You should
ensure there's always room for both in the new relation-
ship.
Like staying at home? Most others do too.
Congratulations! Your sense of domesticity is com-
parable to that of others. In this respect, you tick all the
boxes for a harmonious relationship.
When it comes to domesticity, small differences in
how to go about things can be good news. If you're open,
you can only learn from your partner. Little contrasts can
be positive: A busy bee can motivate a couch potato.

Desire for domesticity

Domesticity among others
% 35
% 35
30
30
25
25
20
20
15
15
10
10
5
5
0
0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
0
0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 P
P
Your partner area: People whose values are in the marked range are a good
Your result compared to others (P = characteristic points) match for you. (P = characteristic points)

24
Chapter II How you like to manage everyday life
A domestic type can be a calming influence on a more
restless personality.
15. Active or passive?
Are you a generally restless sort, or do you prefer chilling
on the sofa? Do you prefer an hour sitting in a café or
going out for a jog? Our personality types differ hugely
in the levels of activity we prefer in our day-to-day lives
and everyone has their own preferences in specific situ-
ations.
The desire to be active or do nothing varies in all of
us. How much activity or passivity we need is more im-
portant than what exactly we do with our time. For this
characteristic, it's important to pay attention to its prom-
inence in both partners.
In a relationship, it's important that a difference in the
desire to be active is not too pronounced. This is be-
cause our need for activity and to relax are part of our
core values. Naturally, a new partner can mess up this
formula and it's important to understand how willing both
of you are to adapt or accept these differences. Like so
many other characteristics, sometimes we like to adapt,
sometimes we don't.
It doesn’t matter if you agree on your needs, the im-
portant thing is that you both feel at ease.
Discover the strengths of your need to be active and
need to relax.
Need to be active
95
Need to relax
60 70 80 90 100
Your need to relax is moderate and you have a very high
need to be active.
You live life to the fullest
You're a bundle of energy. To others you seem to have a
moderate desire for peace and quiet but you know how
to live out both aspects of life - plenty of activity com-
bined with a need for quieter time. You would match well
with someone who can keep up with your desire to keep
moving.
16. Preferences and habits
It may not seem important to you how early you get to
the airport, where you drop your keys or if you keep your
house organized, but it’s these little things that make you
who you are.
Every relationship works better if you know each oth-
er's habits and can put up with them. But a regular
check-in is advisable: ask yourself once in a while which
habits and preferences are important to you and which
might irritate your partner. And vice versa: if something
is bothering you, bring it up in a calm, non-judgemental
way.
Shared preferences make any relationship easier.
The opposite might also be true for some of your habits,
especially if they conflict with your partner's. As always, a
dash of self-awareness is helpful.
17. Hobbies and interests
Cycling, horse riding, going to the cinema, watching
sports, gaming or collecting furniture: there are all sorts
of things we do simply because they're interesting and
give us pleasure.
A hobby can bring people together and shared in-
112
terests are a wonderful way to get to know someone. You
can talk for hours about movies, books or plays. And if
you’ve never heard of your partner’s hobby, exploring a
110 120 130 140
new world can be a fantastic experience.
Whether by yourself or as a couple, our hobbies and
interests keep us alert and alive. Everything you do to-
gether can enrich your relationship but it's also fine - and
even healthy - if you each pursue your own interests out-
side of the relationship.
25
III
How you communicate
This section deals with your personal communication style and
how you interact with others
Chapter III Communicating in relationships
Communicating in relationships
We communicate constantly over text, email and video
calls. All these have their non-verbal components that
can't be ignored. Even if we're not speaking directly to
someone, we react to their body language, gestures and
facial expressions, and when and where we communic-
ate plays a big role. As soon as we engage directly with
someone, our senses are switched on to the max and
there are a huge range of factors which influence how we
send messages and how they are understood.
Every new relationship needs to adjust to different
styles of communication and, after a while, every part-
nership finds its own groove. Sometimes this can be
positive, accepting and nurturing. Some couples have
humor and wit in common. But for others, it can be critic-
al, undermining, or sometimes just dull.
How we speak and communicate to others is shaped
during our childhood. Early in life, our instruments of
communication are tuned and after that, it's about learn-
ing how to play them. We try these out for ourselves,
copying the grown-ups around us and learning which
strategies lead to praise and affection and which don't.
Then we apply what we've learned for the rest of our
lives. For example, children who learn that pleading and
begging are rewarded will be more inclined to try this in
adulthood. A child who discovers that yelling gets them
noticed will most likely grow up loud. Equally, if we enjoy
frequent praise and affection when young, we're more
likely to place a high value on these when we grow up (of
course, the opposite is also true).
Alongside the rules of communication we learn as a
child, another important factor emerges in adolesence.
This is our adult voice and it integrates our childhood
impulses with the standards we learn from our parents.
This voice uses our emerging maturity to figure out the
circumstances around us and take them into account
when communicating. It deliberates, adjusts and makes
judgments.
For your partner to fully understand you and so that
you completely get them too, you need to learn to pay
attention to how communication works: It’s not just what
you say but how you say it. And the same thing goes
27
when you listen out for “what” and “how” the other per-
son says something.
Take the simple question: "Where have you been?"
Depending on the tone and circumstances, it can ex-
press happy expectation, worry, annoyance or suspicion.
It might even be a compliment. On their own, the words
we use sometimes tell us very little about what we mean.
If you grew up on a diet of stern warnings and strict de-
mands, you might miss the cues that can make "where
have you been?" an affectionate question. It might irritate
you no matter the context because it makes you feel
you're being treated like a child. Your partner might have
the same reaction. This is a good example of why com-
munication depends on both the sender and receiver,
and their prior experiences.
Where we are communicating matters a lot. At home
we might feel safe and speak more openly but we might
also show less respect, or be more aggressive. Time
of day can have an impact - are you more talkative in
the mornings or evenings? - as can the mood you're in
and that of the person you're speaking to. Almost every
time you communicate, there's an agenda: do you want
to find out something? Do you want to explain, provoke,
distract or clarify? Do you need to apologize, agree on
something, reassure yourself or simply have a chat?
Our motivation, tone, body language, facial expres-
sion, location and communication style all influence how
we express ourselves. They also affect how we under-
stand and are understood by others. All these factors
flow into how we speak and listen, making our commu-
nication a two-way transaction.
Communication is complicated, so it's no wonder we
often get our wires crossed. The more we learn to sup-
press and integrate these expressions of emotion and
our communication rules with the help of adult reason-
ing, the easier we will find communicating.
Everyone should be aware of their own style of com-
munication. If you understand the reasons behind your
mood, you can adjust your tone and change the effect of
what you say. You can listen more effectively and under-
stand the perspective of others.
Chapter III Communicating in relationships
When we describe communication as a "transaction",
we're talking about everything said and unsaid that af-
fects our relationships - all the feelings and gestures that
play a part in how we communicate. The transaction is
the bond between the sender and the receiver. To un-
pack this complex tangle of messages, we use a tech-
nique known as the transactional analyis method.
From the moment we start communicating, we can sub-
consciously draw on different variables connected to our
experiences. It’s important to understand where our
28
communication style comes from so we can react in a
mature way.
Most people have dominant influences that are
rooted in things they experienced over and over again
during childhood. These patterns run deep and even in
adulthood can be hard to shake off - they have a huge
influence on how we express ourselves. Now it's time
to understand your own dominant influences: how they
influence your communication style and the effect that
might have on your future partner.
Chapter III How your childhood behavior affects your communication style.

How your childhood behavior affects your

communication style.
The child we once were remains a huge part of our feel- 19. How to be balanced and adaptable
ings, impulses, desires and reactions - all of these are
preserved in our subconscious. But because we all had As children, we learn how to please our parents and oth-
very different childhoods, these are by no means the er authority figures in return for praise and recognition,
same for everyone. and because we want to feel loved. As adults, when we
So it's a good idea to take a closer look at what your give in or agree to something just to avoid conflict, we're
own childlike behaviors are and which ones affect your adapting because we long for acceptance.
communication style. We'll explain further on the follow-
ing pages. The graphic below indicates to what degree this aspect
defines your style.
18. Natural spontaneity
119
Adaption
Sometimes we can be stubborn, silly or unreasonable.
We prefer having fun to working and don't like taking in- 60 70 80 90 100 110 120 130 140

structions. But we'd really annoy those around us if, as

adults, we stamped our feet and got upset every time Your search for approval
we didn't get our own way. Nevertheless, that's often how You're often reluctant to voice your opinion as you want
we feel inside and those emotions need to be expressed to avoid conflict at all costs. You'd rather make everyone
somehow. happy. Your willingness to adapt is endearing, but where
Children often express themselves without inhibition. does it leave you, and what about your own needs?
If you sometimes laugh aloud or burst into tears, decide Look out for a partner who doesn't try to run your life,
on a whim to quit work early or shout aloud just for fun, even if you might enjoy that at first.
you're expressing the child within you. Your ideal match is someone who will help you to ex-
press your own thoughts, opinions and desires - and to
The graphic below shows how much this aspect defines fulfill them.
your commuication style
20. Manipulation
84
How 'natural' are you?
Using flattery and charm as an adult to get what you
60 70 80 90 100 110 120 130 140
want can be indicative of how you persuaded to get
something from your authority figures as a child.
YYour spontaneity and naturalness
Your natural, childlike behaviors have hardly any effect on The graphic below indicates to what degree this aspect
how you communicate. You're someone who prefers to defines your style.
stay in their shell and seldom says out lod what's on their
mind . Our recommendation? Don't be afraid to allow 96
Manipulation
yourselves moments of fun and spontaneity. You would
match well with someone who can help you come out of 60 70 80 90 100 110 120 130 140

your shell and have more fun.

29
Chapter III How your childhood behavior affects your communication style.

Your ability to manipulate people again. Just be careful that the other person feels you're
You win people over with your charm. You're pretty good taking them seriously and doesn't feel used. This style of
at this and can get people to do what you want time and communication can help in your relationship.

30
Chapter III Parent messages in your communication style

Parent messages in your communication style

Our parents, teachers and other authority figures praised adult lives. In our everyday relationships, these have the
and encouraged us while also cautioning and reprim- same effect as being told off as children.
anding us. Their values and attitudes have left their mark The graphic below indicates to what degree this as-
on us and if we take on these influences unquestioningly, pect defines your style.
they also affect how we treat our partner.
There are two kinds of parent messages - the nurtur- 105
Criticism
ing and the critical - and we need to know the difference.
60 70 80 90 100 110 120 130 140

21. Nurturing parent instincts

Transferring the praise and nurture we received from our
parents and authority figures on to our partners, however
positive the intention, can have its pitfalls. Being praised
all the time as children can, because it felt so good,
leave us constantly seeking the same affirmation in adult
life. Equally, if the adults in our life constantly sought to
clear obstacles from our path, it can lead to passivity in
adult relationships. Transferring these values to our part-
ner can seem patronizing - they don't need a 'parent' and
need to be treated as an equal.
The graphic below indicates to what degree this as-
pect defines your style.
103
Nurture
60 70 80 90 100 110
Critical parent instincts in how you communicate
You often expect others to agree with you or conform
to your own moral standards. Perhaps you should listen
harder to other people's views and think about whether
they have a point. This will help improve communication
in your relationship.
Being a little less harsh could make life easier for
both you and your partner. Put it this way: sometimes
your criticism isn't just a reaction to bad behavior but
might well be the cause of more.
A partner who's equally respectful of societal norms
would suit you. This person would also value self-discip-
line and won't object to your need for order and control.
You would find it easy to relax in their company.
23. Adapting your communication style
120 130 140

As we get older we develop the ability to adapt our com-

Nurturing tendencies
You often give advice and enjoy showing your helpful
side. However, this can be because you are afraid others
won't do things your way and you don't like delegating.
Don't always try to do things yourself: a little more pa-
tience and trust is a better way to help others help them-
selves.
munication to the situations we come across. But child-
lish needs and parental commands remain influential.
Our adult voice is like a referee, reconciling those other
voices within us.
The graphic below indicates to what degree this aspect
defines your style.

22. Critical parent instincts 107

Moderator

Being criticized during childhood leaves its mark on us. 60 70 80 90 100 110 120 130 140

Even throwaway phrases - "what did you think would

happen?", "we've been over this a thousand times!" -
contain messages we carry over unchallenged into our

31
Chapter III Parent messages in your communication style

How our adult voice adapts our communications text and take a rational, realistic approach to making a
style judgment. The effort you put into seeing things from all
You're perfectly capable of judging your own needs angles makes you a good communicator.
against the demands of others. You're careful about con-

32
Chapter III Your communication profile
Your communication profile
Everyone has their own communication style and it's im-
portant for both partners in a relationship to understand
and accept each other's. For good communication,
these styles need to be compatible.
Put yourself out there
You're usually a cautious communicator. You keep your
feelings bottled up and make it difficult for others to know
33
what you want. But these feelings are difficult to sup-
press all the time, so despite often appearing calm and
mature, you're prone to emotional outbursts at inappro-
priate times.
Our tip: say what you feel and mean more often and
let your feelings show. Open up and take an interest in
what others think and feel. Ask questions.
IV
It's time to date!
Useful tips for when getting to know each other
Chapter IV The first date
The first date
Now that you've learned about you, your personality and
what's most important to you in a relationship, it's time
to step into the world of dating. You might be nervous
beforehand or maybe your're feeling really excited.
Whatever you're feeling is entirely normal, so put your
mind at ease. Be confident that you have a lot in com-
mon with the people you've matched with, and that
you're all looking for something similar.
It's important to approach dating with an open and
curious mind. Even if it turns out you don't want to contin-
ue the journey with this person, it's all part of the dating
process. While it might not be love at first sight, trust your
gut, and see if you want to give this person a second
chance.
On a first date, you don't have to tell each other your
entire life stories the first time you meet. Choose a pub-
lic, relaxed location like a café or restaurant where you
can chat without shouting over loud music or the noise
of a crowd. The main thing is to find somewhere you can
feel comfortable and be yourself.
35
When you’re meeting your eharmony match, stay
calm and relaxed. Make sure to talk openly about your-
self but also ask the other person questions too. At your
first date, keep things light and easy – talk about a movie
you saw, or about how you like to spend your weekends
and avoid asking the other person questions that are
overly private or sensitive. You have plenty of time to fig-
ure the other person out on future dates.
If you don't want to see someone again, find a kind
but clear way of saying so. No one likes being strung
along, even if you're trying to avoid hurting their feelings.
There are many more opportunities and plenty of com-
patible people out there for every eharmony member. If
it's you on the receiving end, don't take it personally. You
can't be a perfect fit for everyone
No matter how thorough our matching process is,
personal chemistry is really important. Only you can
really judge that moment when you feel a genuine spark.
V
Happiness
Our 16 top tips for a happy and fulfilling relationship - and for
keeping the spark alive
Chapter V How to cultivate a happy relationship – 16 top tips
How to cultivate a happy relationship – 16 top tips
1. Plan your everyday life as you would a vacation.
Instead of just letting time pass, try to design and
discuss even mundane activities, such as a trip to the
supermarket or planning a weeknight dinner. You’ll
become more attentive and appreciative of each
other.
2. Sow positive seeds. Think about the things that you
love about your partner in particular and make a point
of telling them that more often. Don’t forget that to
counterbalance every “no” you casually fling your
partner’s way, you’ll need at least four to five “yeses.”
3. Speak your mind, and state your needs and wishes
clearly. Don't expect your partner to be a mind-reader.
4. Show your love physically. A hug here, a kiss or gentle
caress there... touch your partner often.
5. Set aside time for your relationship. Plan time out to
get together and relax with one another.
6. Don't avoid arguments. Healthy disagreement is fine,
and fair and constructive dialogue will only deepen
your relationship. You'll learn a whole lot more about
yourself and your partner.
7. Be fair. When you do disagree, think about the
context, and the expectations that may have brought
you both to it. Then think about what actually
happened. Afterwards, tell your partner how it made
you feel then, and how you’d prefer such situations to
unfold in future.
8. Avoid generalizations, and word any criticism
specifically. Never use sentences like “you always
leave your towel on the floor” or “you never have time
for me.”
37
9. Be objective. Don't frame your criticisms as absolute
fact and don't aim them directly at your partner.
Instead, try describing your own experience. Rather
than saying "you really hurt me," try something like "I
was sad/angry/confused."
10. Keep your cool and pick the right moment to talk
things through. It's better to postpone an argument
than have one late at night when you're tired, or
perhaps have had a drink or two.
11. It’s ok to be vulnerable. Talk about your feelings
openly. If you have abandonment issues or feelings
of mistrust, it’s better to talk about it than to check up
on your partner behind their back.
12. Let the other person’s anger roll off you like water off
a duck’s back. If your partner starts raising their voice,
don’t react; instead, try and think about what may
have hurt them so badly. Then get straight to the
point.
13. Don't compare yourselves to other couples. Every
partnership gels in a different way and follows its own
rules.
14. Leave room for doubt, but don't fall into the trap of
doubting everything. Each relationship will have its
highs and lows, and it's never happy days every day.
15. Ask about your partner's plans. In the morning, before
you leave the house, ask what they've got going on
that day.
16. Ask how things went. Take the time - at least 20
minutes every day - for a relaxed conversation about
how your partner's day went.
VI
In a relationship
Your Personality Profile: The key characteristics at a glance
Chapter VI You as a partner

You as a partner
In the previous chapters we mentioned a wide variety of Fundamentals of your personality

characteristics that are key to relationships, providing a Inner energy

101

detailed description of your personal traits. Self-control 92

103
Emotional Side
Here's a taste of the particular blend of traits that Logical Side 114

describe your unique persona: Desire for relational 104

closeness

• You're passionate, but also sensitive towards values ! Empathy 100

and standards. ! Your behavioral tendencies

95
Instinct
• Your definition of a happy relationship is one of close Feelings 110

intimacy. Intellect 121

What you need to be happy

• Your fundamental need for clarity doesn't stop you us-
! Positive attitude 100

ing your imagination to solve problems, or from under- 112

Introversion
standing people's moods and feelings. 105
Extraversion
85
Desire for social interaction
• You're reliable with a wonderful balance of needs and
Inhibition towards social 107
emotions. interaction
101
Willingness to adapt
• You always look on the bright side ! Pragmatism 97

How you deal with frustration

All characteristics are important to a relationship. Here’s 104
Generosity
a general overview of the traits we have measured: 100
Tendency to withdraw
94
Tendency to compensate
Assertiveness 108

60 70 80 90 100 110 120 130 140

How you regulate your everyday life

105
Conventionality
115
Unconventionality
96
Desire for structure

! Desire for domesticity 102

112
Need to be adventurous
Need to be peaceful 95

60 70 80 90 100 110 120 130 140

! point to the traits that are particularly applicable to you as a partner.

39
Chapter VI You as a partner
Nobody’s perfect. In fact, sometimes it’s the little weak-
nesses that endear us to others. Usually, just knowing
these quirks and eccentricities is enough to find a way
of dealing with them. Some traits, however, can develop
their own dynamic – leading to arguments in our relation-
ships. If that happens, we need to take a closer look at
those traits and adjust our behavior accordingly. Other
similar traits don’t even come into play when you’re with
the right partner.
40
Confidence is key
Your chances of finding the right partner rely on first, you
knowing exactly what you want; second, never persist-
ing with your preconceived opinion; and third, letting your
feelings do the talking. You’re willing to accept the bet-
ter arguments and to tolerate the opinions of others. You
need to show your partner this openness and dynamism
time and again.
Once you're in a committed relationship with your part-
ner, accepting their personality traits is important. Make
sure to always approach them with love and patience.
eharmony, Inc. 2023
eharmony, Inc., P.O. Box 241810, Los Angeles, CA 90024 USA
www.eharmony.com