SLAMMED!

By Jim Kitchens

(Setting is Richard and Nancy’s living room. Richard is working on his computer.)

RICHARD
Maybe I should call myself Gray Wolf—

NANCY
Maybe you should stop this nonsense—

RICHARD
I could get a wolf skin and wear it like a robe—

NANCY
This isn’t funny anymore—

RICHARD
Have a wolf head for a headpiece—

NANCY
You certainly seem to be out of your own head.

RICHARD
What am I going to do for a signature move—

DONNIE
(sounding panicked) Mom, where are you?

NANCY
In here.

DONNIE
Got your text. Dad?

RICHARD
Oh, hi son.

DONNIE
Mom, your text said to come quick, it’s Dad. God, I thought he had a heart attack or
something.

NANCY
Just a case of mental illness.

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 DONNIE
Dad, what are you doing?

RICHARD
(thinking out loud) How about a Boomer Bomb? I could get on the top rope and— oh,
sorry son, I’m just doing my homework.

DONNIE
Your homework? Great! You decided to take one of those life-long learning courses
from the college like I suggested. I’m so glad—

NANCY
(slapping a brochure into Donnie’s hand) Not exactly.

DONNIE
(looking at the front of the brochure) A-S-P-W. Is this (beat) Arizona State?

(Nancy grabs the brochure and opens it up)

DONNIE
The American School of Professional Wrestling? Is this a joke?

NANCY
I wish. This is your fault—

DONNIE
My fault? I certainly didn’t tell him—

NANCY
That personal trainer you got your Dad started this.

RICHARD
No, he didn’t.

NANCY
You came home from the gym and started talking about it. You certainly didn’t come up
with this idea on your own.

RICHARD
Donnie, you’re never going to guess who I met at the gym. (beat) Milton Farris.

DONNIE
Who the heck is Milton Farris?

RICHARD

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When you were a kid, you knew him better as (beat) Jason the Horrible.

DONNIE
The Jason the Horrible from the WWF?

NANCY
Jason the what?

RICHARD
He lives here now and started that Pro wrestling school.

DONNIE
(to Nancy) He wore a hockey mask like Jason, the horror movie character.

RICHARD
Wrestle Mania 1993. (Richard engages Donnie in a reenactment) The InterContinental
Championship match—

DONNIE
Against my hero, Bret “the Hitman” Hart. I’ll never forget it! Greatest match I ever saw.

RICHARD
Jason puts a foreign object in his mask and headbutts the Hitman.

DONNIE
Hitman falls to his knees and looks like he is finished—

RICHARD
Jason moves in for the kill—

DONNIE
With his last ounce of strength, Hitman punches Jason in the gut, he bends double—

RICHARD
Hitman rips his mask off—

DONNIE
And beats him senseless with it! Match over!

RICHARD
Hitman wins!

DONNIE
Intercontinental Champion!

NANCY

3
Donnie! I called you to help me, not to fuel his nonsense. –

RICHARD
It’s not nonsense. Milton says I could appeal to a whole new demographic—

NANCY
Yeah, men who want to be in the hospital with massive injuries—

RICHARD
No, Boomers who still are looking for someone to give them hope

NANCY
Hope or a good laugh—

RICHARD
Milton says he can get me ready to have a match in a couple months, if I train hard—

NANCY
And, pay him three grand for the tra

RICHARD
He’s says I’m already in great shape— (Richard picks up Nancy off the floor)

NANCY
For a man your age. Put me down! But, you’ll be doing this with men in their 20’s and
30’s—

RICHARD
I wrestled in high school—

NANCY
Fifty years ago—

RICHARD
You’ve been bugging me to get a hobby—

NANCY
I was talking about something like golf or bowling—

RICHARD
Those are boring. Why don’t you think I can do this—

NANCY
Because you’re an OLD MAN.

(Long pause. Richard sits down dejected. Nancy turns her back. Donnie looks lost.)

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 NANCY
I’m (beat) sorry. That didn’t come out the way I meant it. I’m. . .I’m worried, that’s all. I
don’t know what I would do if something happened to you.

RICHARD
You can’t be both.

DONNIE
Both what, Dad?

RICHARD
Old and a man.

NANCY
Richard, what gave you such a silly idea?

RICHARD
Clint Eastwood, Sylvester Stallone, Sean Connery.

DONNIE
Those guys are just actors. They don’t really do the things you see at the movies.

NANCY
Everyone knows it’s just make believe.

RICHARD
No, they don’t. For most people, they define what a man is supposed to be – strong,
able to defend his family, fearless

NANCY
Richard, everything they do is planned. They know what’s going to happen before they
start—

DONNIE
Mom, we’re talking about Professional Wrestling.

RICHARD
And, if you old, it’s like (beat) you’re leftovers that have been in fridge too long. Those
are OLD, so throw them out.

NANCY
(beat) I think I’ve underestimated how hard retiring has been on you.

RICHARD

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I just don’t want to feel like I could be thrown in the garbage and no one would notice.

NANCY
Now, you listen to me. You worked your whole life, took care of our family, was a great
Dad and have raised two fine sons—
.
RICHARD
And, everything you said is in the past tense. Working my whole life and raising kids
was nothing.

DONNIE
You think raising John and me was NOTHING? Dad, I think you’ve developed a
memory problem.

RICHARD
I didn’t mean it like that. It’s just -

DONNIE
Dad, even at my age, I know I can’t do things I use to do.

RICHARD
How do you know that? We all just assume we can’t do things. If we try, we might be
surprised.

NANCY
Try things – like professional wrestling? Do you remember you slipped, fell down and
hurt your back last year while taking out the garbage? How much worse would it be if
some muscle-bound moron picks you up and slams you do

RICHARD
I just don’t want to feel my life is over. That I’m no longer a real man. If you feel that
way, what’s the use -

NANCY
You are really determined to try this, aren’t you?

RICHARD
I really want to, but I don’t want it to come between us.

DONNIE
(pause) I got an idea. Mom, you become part of it.

NANCY
Part of it? Have you lost your mind, too?

DONNIE

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A bunch of wrestlers have their girlfriends in the corner as their manager. You could be
there with him and maybe you won’t worry so much.

RICHARD
That’s a great gimmick! We just need names that people in our generation would like.
)

DONNIE
Dad, you can be (beat) the Hammering Hippie.

RICHARD
Not sure my hair can grow long any more.

DONNIE
We’ll get you a wig. Mom, you can wear one of those psychedelic dresses.

NANCY
You want me to dress like I did in 1967? I would say that could rate as the biggest
embarrassment of my life. My friends would die laughing.

RICHARD
And, we can call you (beat) Miss Moon Beam—

DONNIE
And, you can have a bag of Moon Dust that you can throw in Dad’s opponent’s eyes to
blind him while Dad hits him with a folding chair.

NANCY
Slow down you two! You want me to throw something somebody’s eyes? And, you’re
going to hit people with a chair?

RICHARD
Then, I’ll climb to the top rope and drop the Boomer Bomb on them. Both feet to gut.

DONNIE
Great signature move! Come on, Mom. It’ll be great fun!

NANCY
This is not how I saw this discussion going. (pause) Before I agree to ANY of this, there
are some strict conditions you BOTH have to agree to.

RICHARD
What kind of conditions?

NANCY
Well, (beat) if you break a bone, you call it quits.

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 RICHARD
Well, what if it is a small break, like a toe or—

NANCY
This is not a negotiation.

RICHARD
(beat) OK. Anything else.

NANCY
Oh yeah. Same thing with a serious injury to a knee, ankle, shoulder, or elbow. OK?

RICHARD
Gee, guess I’d better be careful.

NANCY
Exactly. And, a concussion, there will be no discussion, DONE.

DONNIE
Wow, Mom, you rhyme like Muhammad Ali. Oh, this is great. Miss Moon Beam can
write poems about the opponents.

NANCY
And as for you, young man, if your Dad gets hurt, guess who is coming over here to
help me take care of him. Both of you agree?

DONNIE
Sure. We agree. Right, Dad? (Richard nods in agreement) Wait until I call John and
tell him what his Dad’s about to do.

NANCY
Bet your lawyer brother will threaten to have us all Baker Acted and put away as crazy
people. And, I’m still not sure he would be wrong.

DONNIE
You’re kidding. He loved this stuff as much as me. Bet he flies home with the boys to
see Dad’s first match.

NANCY
Great. My grandkids will start calling me Miss Moon Beam.

RICHARD
Yeah. And, by the way. I love you Miss Moon Beam. You don’t make me feel old.

DONNIE

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Well, there’s only one more thing I want to say. (beat) LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
LET’S GET READY TO RUMBLE. (Again popular culture allusion)

(Curtain)