that museums and galleries should only show work from local artists rather than work

from other countries. Do you agree?

While it’s widely acknowledged that artistic objects should be decorated and reserved in
museums galleries in order to maintain its values, some people argue that only works from
local artists are more worth being displayed in museums and galleries than foreign works.
From my point of view, I wholeheartedly disagree with this statement due to the sense of
broadening people’ horizon about art and the beneficial effects on tourism.

To begin with, it’s undeniable that decorating local works is a way of providing and
maintaining the culture and the significant features of a country, however, with people who
have an interest in exploring the specific information about other countries, enjoying foreign
works from museums and galleries is a good choice. Artistic objects from other countries not
only provide useful information about the sense of beauty and historical information of other
countries, but they also have a more or less important connection with some local works. For
instance, some artists embarked on making their own works with the inspiration from well-
known foreign works, and, on top of that, some works also marked a key point thorough the
art history which have a strong impact on artists all over the world, not just local artists.
Therefore, by appreciating foreign works, we somehow have the ability to interpret local
works more obviously.

Secondly, not only do foreign works bring benefits for the interpretation, they are also
regarded as a contributor to the tourism. Owing to the fact that not all people are fond of
local works, which seem to be familiar to them, a museum or gallery taking foreign works as
the main features appears to be utterly attractive. Having a chance to appreciate oversea
unprecedented works, tourists might be very curious and therefore take a trip to appreciate
them. Moreover, with a combination of both local and foreign works, museums and galleries
will be more diversed and appealing, which also leads to an increase in the number of
tourists visiting there.

All things considered, although local works might be a good source of cultural information of
a country, we shouldn’t understate the value of works from other countries.

Nâng cấp lập luận

Introduction: While it’s widely acknowledged that artistic objects should be decorated and
reserved in museums galleries in order to maintain its values, some people argue that only
works from local artists are more worth being displayed in museums and galleries than
foreign works. From my point of view, I wholeheartedly disagree with this statement due to
the sense of broadening people’ horizon about art and the beneficial effects on tourism.

Feedback for Introduction:

Clear Position: The introduction effectively states a clear position by disagreeing with the
idea that only local works should be displayed in museums and galleries. This sets a strong
foundation for the argument that will follow.

Relevance: The introduction is relevant to the essay question as it addresses the debate
about whether museums and galleries should prioritize local or foreign works. However, it
could be more specific in explaining why the author disagrees with the opposing view.
Adding a brief mention of the benefits of displaying foreign works, such as broadening
horizons and enhancing tourism, would strengthen the relevance and provide a clearer
direction for the essay.
Brief Overview: The introduction lacks a brief overview of the main points that will be
discussed in the essay. Including a sentence that outlines the specific arguments that will be
made, such as the benefits of displaying foreign works and their impact on tourism, would
provide a clearer roadmap for the reader and enhance the introduction's effectiveness.

Improved Introduction: While it is widely acknowledged that museums and galleries should
preserve and showcase artistic objects to maintain their cultural significance, some argue
that only works from local artists should be displayed. I strongly disagree with this view,
believing that the inclusion of foreign works is essential for broadening our artistic horizons
and enhancing tourism. This essay will argue that the display of foreign artistic works not
only enriches our understanding of global art but also contributes significantly to the cultural
and economic development of local communities.

Main Point 1: To begin with, it’s undeniable that decorating local works is a way of providing
and maintaining the culture and the significant features of a country, however, with people
who have an interest in exploring the specific information about other countries, enjoying
foreign works from museums and galleries is a good choice. Artistic objects from other
countries not only provide useful information about the sense of beauty and historical
information of other countries, but they also have a more or less important connection with
some local works. For instance, some artists embarked on making their own works with the
inspiration from well-known foreign works, and, on top of that, some works also marked a
key point thorough the art history which have a strong impact on artists all over the world,
not just local artists. Therefore, by appreciating foreign works, we somehow have the ability
to interpret local works more obviously.

Feedback for Main Point 1:

Argumentative Logic: The argument effectively highlights the benefits of displaying foreign
works in museums and galleries, emphasizing their role in broadening cultural horizons and
enhancing appreciation for local works. The connection between foreign and local art is well-
established, showing how foreign works can inspire and inform local artistic developments.

Overgeneralizations: The statement that foreign works provide "useful information about
the sense of beauty and historical information of other countries" could be seen as an
overgeneralization. While this is true for many works, not all foreign art may convey such
information or have direct connections to local art.

Relevance and Effectiveness of Supporting Ideas: The examples provided are relevant
and effectively illustrate the argument. The mention of artists inspired by foreign works and
the historical significance of certain foreign works is particularly effective in supporting the
claim that foreign works enrich local art appreciation.

Unclear or Ambiguous Expressions: The expression "more or less important connection"

could be clarified. Specifying what aspects of local works are influenced by foreign works
would enhance clarity and precision.

Unwarranted Assumptions: The argument assumes that all visitors to museums and
galleries are interested in exploring foreign works. This may not always be the case, and the
argument could benefit from acknowledging that some visitors may prefer local works.

Overly Assertive Language: The language used is generally appropriate, but could be
softened slightly to acknowledge that while foreign works are valuable, they are not the only
valuable contributions to local art appreciation.

Overall Evaluation: Well Extended and Supported

Suggestions for Improvement:

Detail Specific Connections: Expand on how specific foreign works have influenced local
art, providing more detailed examples or descriptions of how these influences manifest in
local art.

Acknowledge Diverse Interests: Acknowledge that while foreign works are valuable, they
may not appeal to all visitors. Discuss how museums and galleries can cater to diverse
interests by offering a mix of local and foreign works.

Clarify Expressions: Improve clarity by specifying what aspects of local works are

Task Response
Band Score for Task Response: 6

Answer All Parts of the Question:

Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses the prompt by discussing both
sides of the argument. It acknowledges the importance of local artworks for cultural
preservation but argues against exclusively featuring them in museums. It touches upon the
benefits of showcasing foreign artworks, such as broadening perspectives and attracting
tourism.

How to improve: To improve, the essay could provide more specific examples or cultural
references that directly support the argument against limiting museum displays to local
artists. This would strengthen the argumentation by grounding it in more concrete evidence.

Present a Clear Position Throughout:

Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position against the exclusive
showcasing of local artworks. The stance is consistently supported throughout the essay
with arguments about the benefits of displaying foreign artworks for cultural exchange and
tourism.

How to improve: While the position is clear, enhancing the clarity could involve explicitly
stating the thesis in the introduction and reiterating it in the conclusion to reinforce the
argument's coherence and impact.

Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas effectively, supporting them with reasoning
and examples. It discusses how foreign artworks contribute to cultural exchange and
tourism, extending the discussion beyond simple assertions.

How to improve: To further extend ideas, the essay could delve deeper into the specific
historical or cultural impacts of foreign artworks on local art scenes. This would enrich the
discussion and provide a more nuanced exploration of the topic.

Stay on Topic:

Detailed explanation: The essay largely stays on topic, focusing on whether museums
should display only local artworks or include foreign ones. However, some parts could be
more tightly connected to the main argument, especially when discussing tourism benefits.
How to improve: To improve coherence, ensure each paragraph directly relates to the
central argument of why museums should display foreign artworks alongside local ones.
This would prevent slight deviations and maintain a stronger thematic focus.

Overall, this essay effectively argues against limiting museum displays to local artists,
highlighting the benefits of including foreign artworks. To enhance coherence and depth,
consider integrating more specific examples and ensuring all paragraphs directly support the
central argument throughout the essay.

Coherence & Cohesion

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 8

Organize Information Logically:

Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a strong logical organization throughout. It

begins with a clear introduction that states the writer's position, followed by two well-
developed body paragraphs that provide supporting arguments. Each paragraph focuses on
a distinct aspect (cultural enrichment and tourism), leading to a cohesive conclusion that
summarizes the main points effectively.

How to improve: To further enhance logical flow, ensure that transitions between ideas are
seamless. Consider using linking words or phrases to explicitly connect thoughts between
sentences and paragraphs, such as "Moreover," "Furthermore," or "In addition."

Use Paragraphs:

Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to structure its arguments.
Each paragraph is well-developed, with a clear topic sentence followed by supporting details
and examples. This helps in maintaining coherence and clarity.

How to improve: While the essay generally uses paragraphs effectively, ensure consistency
in paragraph length and consider breaking longer paragraphs into smaller ones to improve
readability and emphasis on key points. For instance, the paragraph on tourism benefits
could be split into two smaller paragraphs to enhance clarity.

Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices such as pronouns
("they," "their"), conjunctions ("however," "therefore"), and transitional phrases ("to begin
with," "secondly"). These devices effectively connect ideas within and between sentences,
contributing to coherence.

How to improve: To further enrich the use of cohesive devices, consider integrating more
advanced connectors such as "nevertheless," "consequently," or "in contrast." These can
help to add sophistication and precision to the essay's argumentation, enhancing the overall
coherence.

Overall, the essay is well-structured and coherent, with clear logical progression and
effective paragraphing. By refining the use of transitions and expanding the range of
cohesive devices, the writer can further elevate the essay's coherence and cohesion,
potentially achieving an even higher band score in this criterion.
Lexical Resource
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fairly good range of vocabulary. It

includes terms like "acknowledged," "maintaining," "significant," "embarked,"
"unprecedented," and "diversed," which contribute to the lexical variety. However, there are
instances where simpler vocabulary choices could be replaced with more sophisticated
alternatives to further enrich the essay's lexical resource.

How to improve: To enhance lexical range, consider incorporating more advanced

vocabulary relevant to art and culture, such as synonyms for common words like "significant"
(e.g., pivotal, crucial) or exploring nuanced terms related to tourism and artistic
interpretation. For example, instead of "significant features," consider "integral aspects," or
instead of "diversed," use "diverse" or "eclectic."

Use Vocabulary Precisely:

Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary with moderate precision. For
instance, "decorated" is used in a context that might better fit "displayed." However, there
are some imprecise word choices or awkward phrasings that could be refined for clarity and
specificity. For example, "utterly attractive" might be replaced with "highly appealing" for a
more precise expression.

How to improve: Aim for greater precision by using words that exactly convey the intended
meaning. Review each instance where vocabulary could be more targeted. For instance,
substitute general terms like "a good choice" with more specific alternatives like "a
commendable option" or "an insightful selection," depending on the context.

Use Correct Spelling:

Detailed explanation: Spelling is generally accurate throughout the essay. However, there
are a few minor errors such as "diversed" instead of "diverse." These errors do not
significantly detract from readability but could be corrected for a more polished presentation.

How to improve: Continue to pay close attention to spelling accuracy, especially for words
that are commonly misspelled or less familiar. Consider using spell-check tools and
proofreading carefully to catch any overlooked errors.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a competent use of vocabulary and maintains a
coherent argument, refining the precision of vocabulary choices and ensuring consistent
spelling accuracy could elevate the lexical resource to a higher band score.

Grammatical Range & Accuracy

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:

Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fairly wide range of sentence structures.
There is effective use of complex sentences ("While it’s widely acknowledged...") alongside
simpler structures ("To begin with..."). Transition phrases ("To begin with," "Secondly," "All
things considered,") help organize ideas. However, there is room for improvement in variety,
particularly in using more advanced structures such as conditional sentences or more
intricate subordinate clauses.

How to improve: To enhance variety, consider incorporating conditional sentences to

speculate on hypothetical situations ("If museums only showed local works, they might
lose..."). Additionally, aim to include more nuanced subordinate clauses to elaborate on
ideas in greater detail ("Despite the importance of local artworks, museums benefit from the
global perspective...").

Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

Detailed explanation: The essay displays generally accurate grammar and punctuation.
However, there are instances of incorrect subject-verb agreement ("people who have an
interest in exploring the specific information...") and minor punctuation errors (missing
commas before introductory phrases like "however").

How to improve: Focus on ensuring subject-verb agreement throughout the essay. For
instance, correct the sentence to read, "people who have an interest in exploring specific
information about other countries." Additionally, review the use of commas to ensure they
are correctly placed before introductory words or phrases. Practicing proofreading skills can
help in identifying and rectifying such errors effectively.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammar and punctuation,
refining sentence structure variety and addressing specific grammar issues will further
elevate the clarity and coherence of your writing, potentially leading to an even higher band
score.

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