Cover-Up Artists

When my son Steve was nine years old, he accidentally poked some holes in our
kitchen table with a ballpoint pen. When he realized what he had done, he
immediately showed his mother the damage. Steve had appropriate, healthy
shame about his mistake. He knew that his actions had caused damage to the
table. He also knew that he had to take responsibility. Most importantly, he
knew he wasn't bad.
If I had done the same thing as a child (or even as an adult), I would have had an
attack of toxic shame
and tried my best to hide or deny what I had done. I would have been convinced
someone was going to be angry at me and stop loving me. I would have lived
with the secret as well as a constant fear of being found out.
Numerous Nice Guys have commented that they could relate to my son's
situation. Without exception, every one of them has admitted that they would
have done the opposite of what Steve did — tried to cover it up.
As stated above, everything a Nice Guy does is calculated to try to win approval
or avoid disapproval. Since Nice Guys do not believe they are OK just as they
are, they see any mistake or perceived flaw as proof that they are bad and
unlovable. They believe that if anyone sees how bad they really are, they will be
hurt, shamed, or abandoned. As a result, Nice Guys are consummate cover-up
artists.
Nice Guys believe they must hide or distract attention from any perceived
shortcoming . . .
• If they forget something.
• If they are late.
• If they break something.
• If they don't understand something.
• If they do something wrong.
• If they are depressed.
• If they are in pain.
• If they generally mess up.

The Nice Guy's need to hide is often the most pronounced in areas that are just
part of being human and alive.
• That they are sexual.
• That they have bodily functions.
• That they are getting older.
• That they are losing their hair.
• That they have needs.
• That they are imperfect.

Breaking Free Activity #6

Look over the lists above. Write down examples of situations in which you
have tried to hide or distract attention from any of these perceived flaws.
How effective do you think you are in keeping these things hidden from the
people you love?
Hiding The Evidence
Nice Guys find many creative ways to cover up their perceived flaws and
mistakes. These include:
Lying
Most Nice Guys pride themselves on being honest and trustworthy. Ironically,
Nice Guys are fundamentally dishonest. Nice Guys will tell lies, partial truths,
and omit information if they believe it will prevent someone from focusing on
them in a negative way.
Drawing On Their Account
Since Nice Guys strive so hard to be good, giving, and caring, they believe these
acts should build up a credit that wipes clean any wrong they might do. Part of
the Nice Guy's belief is that if he does most things right, no one should ever
notice the few things (if any) he does wrong.
Fixing
Mature people take responsibility for their actions. When they make a mistake
or act inappropriately, they apologize, make amends, or repair the damage.
Conversely, Nice Guys try to fix situations by doing whatever it takes to get the
other person to stop being upset.
DEER Response
DEER is an acronym I use for: Defend Explain Excuse Rationalize. These are
all fear-based behaviors used to distract others from focusing on the Nice Guy's
mistakes and "badness." The Nice Guy is most likely to go into the DEER
Response when he has done something or failed to do something, and someone
(usually wife, partner, or boss) confronts him and expresses his or her feelings.
Turning The Tables
If someone gets angry at a Nice Guy or points out some flaw or mistake, his
shame will be triggered. In an attempt to distract himself and the other person
from his "badness" he may try to turn the tables and do something to trigger the
other person's shame. I call this shame dumping. This unconscious strategy is
based on the belief that if the Nice Guy can shift the focus to the other person's
badness, he can slip
out of the spotlight. Typical shame dumping techniques include blame, bringing
up the past, deflection, and pointing out the other person's flaws.
Walls
Nice Guys build walls that prevent others from getting too close.
Understandably, this affects their ability to be intimate, but it also protects them
from the consequences of being found out. These walls might include:
Addictions (food, sex, t.v., alcohol, work, etc.), humor, sarcasm, intellectualism,
perfectionism, and isolation.