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How to ‘Be Enough’ in Four Simple Steps

Most of us want the same things: to be happy, have high self-esteem and to find
inner peace. While these can all seem very difficult to attain, what if I told you
that you can find them by doing just four simple things on a regular basis.

The first thing you need to do is to refuse to let in negative criticism.

Always remember that the people who critic others the most are actually
reserving even more criticism for themselves. So when they’re expressing
dissatisfaction with you, it’s always because they’re dissatisfied with something
about themselves. When someone is saying mean-spirited things like “you look
terrible in that,” “you’re bad at your job,” or “you should really lose some
weight,” it helps to say (or at least think) in response “this isn’t about me it’s
about you” or “you obviously don’t like yourself very much.”

Miserable people want you to be miserable people too because then they feel
equal to you. It’s rather like a see saw. The more criticism they dump on you, the
more they’re trying to bring you down to their level. But they can’t do this, of
course, unless you allow them to.

There is of course some value in constructive criticism. If you feel someone’s

input can help make you better at what you do and it doesn’t tear you down,
then it’s okay to let it in. But refusing to let in destructive criticism is one of the
best things you can do for yourself. If your biggest critic is someone close to
you—such as an in-law, spouse, or sibling—it’s easier to say something like
“What exactly are you trying to achieve by telling me I look hideous” or “Can
you repeat what you just said, I didn’t actually hear you.” It’s very rare that they
will repeat or reaffirm their critique of you, but if they do, your response can be
simple: “That’s not going to work, because I’m not letting that in.”

If the critic is your boss, it is of course harder to confront them, but you can still
make the decision that this is not about you and that you’re not going to let it
in. Just remember that if someone is bitter and cranky, the problem lies with
them, not with you.

The second thing you need to do is realise it’s even more important to stop
criticizing yourself. While your mind is able to rationalize the harsh and hurtful
things that other people say to you, your mind cannot argue or object to its own
thoughts; it simply has to believe them. Unfortunately, too many people wake
up and begin a litany of self criticism: “I look terrible, my hair looks wrong, my
clothes are too tight, I look fat, I look old” and that’ s just in the first few minutes.

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It continues all day with put-downs like: “I forgot to charge my phone; I’m an
idiot; I’m always running late; I’ve messed up that recipe and ruined dinner,” and
so on.

Imagine if you started your day with your best friend saying to you “you look
terrible; you’re always running late; you’re so hopeless.” If a friend spoke to you
this way on a regular basis, there’s no way they would still be your friend. You
need to talk to yourself as if you’re your own best friend. In other words, you
need to stop negative criticism.

Keep in mind that you’re allowed to make a mistake—it’s the only way humans
learn anything. So when you do something wrong, don’t tell yourself you are
stupid, just tell yourself you’ve made a mistake and learned a lesson so you
won’t do it again. The dialogue you have with yourself should go along the lines
of “remember your keys; remember to take your phone; remember you’ve got
this meeting.” It’s not supposed to say “you dumb idiot you’ve messed it up
again.” Criticism withers people (especially self criticism) while praise makes
them grow. Inferior people criticize, superior people praise.

The third thing you need to do is let in compliments. If you’re the type of person
who, each time someone says you look nice or that you did a good job, refutes
the compliment by belittling your achievements or your appearance, you’re
hurting yourself. It’s as though someone is giving you a gift and you are giving it
right back to them and refusing to accept it. Instead, you must happily accept
this gift of praise. Studies have shown that praising yourself is as effective as
being praised by somebody else. That means that you can say “I did a great job:
or “I’m a really nice person” or “I look amazing in this outfit” and you don’t have
to wait for people to praise you or affirm you. Think of all the things you’d like to
hear from your boss, partner, or friends and begin saying it to yourself. I see so
many clients who are so familiar with criticism and so unfamiliar with praise.
They let criticism in and they deflect praise when it should actually be the other
way around.

The last step—which is my favourite one—is that you must say these three
simple words to yourself each day: “I am enough.” Say this to yourself when
you’re in the shower, cleaning your teeth, walking your dog. “I am enough, I
have enough, I have always been enough and I always will be enough.” In my 25
years experience as a therapist, I’ve noticed that the source of so many peoples’
problems goes back to them not feeling attractive enough, funny enough,
successful enough, or rich enough. Even if they achieve success and wealth,
people still hold the belief that they’re not enough, often because they felt not
good enough or loveable during their childhood. So many people are in a race
that they can’t win or even finish because the line moves every time they get

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close to it. If you don’t feel that you are enough, this will lead to you also feeling
that you will never get enough which is the feeling that runs overeating
overspending, hoarding and many other diseases of excess. The root of so many
modern problems—hoarding, excessive drinking, compulsive shopping, and
over-eating—come right back to a need to fill the inner emptiness of not being
“enough” with external things.

We all have the same two greatest needs: first, to be accepted and second, to
avoid rejection. Telling yourself you’re enough, giving yourself praise, and not
criticising yourself allows you to avoid rejection and feel completely accepted
and worthwhile.

So if you want to change your life, you must refuse to accept criticism, stop
criticising yourself, accept praise, and tell yourself you’re enough. These steps
are a wonderful thing to teach your children and are a great way to get more
out of your employees or your spouse.

When sharing these steps with my clients, I love telling this story about a very
famous guru/spiritual person who met a journalist that was out to prove him as
a fraud. Whatever the guru said, the journalist would counteract by saying:
“Everything you say is meaningless, ridiculous, this is all bogus, I don’t believe in
any of this.” Throughout his barrage of criticism, the guru continued to smile
and beam until the exasperated journalist said “Why are you smiling when I keep
telling you how rubbish you are?” To which the still smiling guru said: “If you
offer me a gift and I don’t accept it, who has the gift?” And the journalist said
“Well, I would” and he replied, “Exactly I don’t accept your criticisms and
therefore they’re left with you.”

Consider these four steps as my gift to you. To accept it, don’t let in criticism
including your own, tell yourself you’re enough, accept praise including your
own, and this will make you happier and effortlessly at peace with yourself.

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