Module 4 Communicating Succinctly – Clarity and Brevity

Communication Objectives:
After you have finished this module, you should be able to
1. Implement the principle of being economical in business communication.
2. Use suitable language resources of grammar and vocabulary to adapt to communication
contexts.
3. Achieve the conflicting requirements of both brevity and clarity.

Audience needs for business readers

People read for obtaining knowledge or for enjoying leisure time, but unlike readers in a general
sense, business readers read for practical purpose – getting job done quickly. The reading behavior
of business readers is controlled by two considerations:
1) See Efficiency as paramount value
This means business readers are doing-oriented people, and they are more concerned
with getting job done with quick results.
2) Desire for recognition for one’s problem-solving ability
This means an important factor for being recognized in company is “can-do” ability, an
ability to solve organizational problems.

To meet business readers’ needs, you need to strive to make your message clear and brief, so that
your messages can get across to audience quickly and clearly, without a need to second reading
or unnecessary misunderstanding. A more typical business communication should be done in an
easy-to-read style.

You can use the following language techniques to achieve the goal of clarity and brevity:

Grammatical units Language techniques

word 1. Eliminate redundancy.
2. Avoid unnecessary academic style language
Sentence 3. Put key information into strong verb
4. Use parallel grammar
Paragraph or text 5. Make the writing effect-focused
6. Make Information flow smoothly across sentences
7. Make clear underlying logic relations by using signal expressions

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4.1 Eliminate redundancy

Whether certain language is redundant or not depends on situations. As can be seen in the
following example, the language in the form of phrase (left column) uses more words and is more
formal in style, and they may not be seen as redundancy. But for business readers who value
efficiency, they may see these long phrases as unnecessarily time and resource wasting and would
rather prefer the single word form as given in the right column.

Written communication style Spoken communication style

Time At a later time Later

At this point in time Now
At the present time Now, presently
During the time While
For the period of For
In the near future Soon
Until such time as Until
Logical relations Despite the fact that Although
Due to the fact that Because
In addition to the above Also
In spite of the fact that Even though
In the event that If
In view of the fact that Because
Mental act Afford an opportunity Allow
Are of the opinion that Believe, Think
Feel free to Please
Fully cognizant of Aware of

Exercise 1
Business readers see the language expressions as being flabby or words. Please use concise
expressions.

Flabby or wordy Concise

Wordy prep Wal-Mark approached the union issue in a careful manner.

phrases
Our office will in all probability be relocated.

We have taken this action in very few cases.

Long lead- This email message is being sent to all of you to let you know that new

ins parking permit will be issued January 1.

I am writing this letter because Dr. Steven Hunt suggested that your

organization was hiring trainees.

You will be interested to learn that you can now be served at our

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 Website.

Needless We actually did not really give his proposal a very fair trial.

adv
(intensifiers) Hewlett-Packard officials were extremely upset to learn that its printers

were definitely being counterfeited.

Buried verbs Our auditor made an examination of the books.

Our auditor made an examination of the books.

Exercise 2
Edit the following business message by cutting needless words. The memo uses 134 words and as
the result of your editing, more than 50 words can be cut, and yet the memo can be more readable
because of it clarity and brevity.

North Star Telecommunication Services

Date: Nov 12, 20xx
To: Rodney Hawkins
From: Sierra McKinney
Subject: Investigation of Web Sites of Some of Our Competitors

This is just a short note to inform you that, as you requested, I have made an investigation of several
of our competitors’ websites. Attached hereto is a summary of my findings of my investigation. I
was really most interested in making a comparison of the employment of strategies for marketing
as well as the use of navigational graphics used to guide visitors through the sites. In view of the
fact that we will be revising our own Website in the near future, I was extremely intrigued by the
organization, kind of marketing tactics, and navigation at each and every site I visited.
In the event that you would like to discuss this information with me, feel free to call me at Extension
219.
attachment
(134 words)

Your editing:
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4.2 Avoid unnecessary academic style

Academic language is useful for higher education. However, when you enter the business world,
this style can become more of a hindrance to your career than a boost. Compare the following
expressions in two different style and which style is easy-to-read is obvious.

Academic style Spoken style

The conclusion ascertained from a perusal of The data studied show that the product is in good
pertinent data is that a lucrative market exists for the demand.
product.
Ms Smith’s idiosyncrasies supply adequate Ms Smith’s peculiar ways justify firing her.
justification for terminating her employment status.
This machine has a tendency to develop excessive and ?
unpleasant audio symptoms when operating at
elevated temperatures.
Company operations for the preceding accounting ?
period terminated with a substantial deficit.

4.3 Put key information into strong verb

What is meant by “strong” verb? When we talk about “verb”, what comes to mind is a kind of
action or behavior. In fact, not all verbs are about actions. Verb is only a grammar category. It can
refer to action (in the external world), mental action (internal world) and being (relation among
things in internal or external world). (see Figure 4.1)

Figure 4.1 Verb as grammar category and its possible referents

“Strong” verbs refer to the category of doing or action. They are called “strong” because these
verbs can directly impact human senses (seeing, hearing, tasting, smelling and touching).
Relational verbs, on the other hand, can be called “weak” verbs.
Comparing the use of verb in sentence a) and sentence b), and the use of “strong” verb “save” in
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sentence b) can produce a more persuasive impact than “weak” verb “is” in sentence a).

a) The financial advantage of owning this equipment instead of leasing it is 10% after taxes.
b) Owning this equipment rather than leasing it will save us 10% after taxes.

Revise the first two sentences by using strong verbs to reduce sentence length and make the
message easy-to-read.

Nominalization of action in noun Action verb

We have demonstrated a substantial commitment
to the development and maintenance of an
experienced team of research analysts. (18 words)
Finally, we also provide below a detailed
summarization of our unique approach to this
management issue. (16 words)
Specific savings will be achieved through the Savings will result from eliminating additional
elimination of additional payments, as well as payments and reducing defense costs.
through a reduction in defense costs. (20 words) (10 words)

4.4 Use parallel language

Parallel construction can be achieved through a repetition of words, phrases, clauses or sentences.
For example,
Parallel words:
The letter was approved by Clausen, Whittaker, Merlin, and Carlucci.
Parallel phrases:
We have beaten the competition in supermarkets, in department stores, and in specialty stores.
Parallel sentences:
In 2010 we exported 30 percent of our production. In 2012 we exported 50 percent.

Parallel language is especially effective in designing PPT slides. Look at two slides below. What
major improvements has Slide B made over Slide A?

Slide A Slide B

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Exercise Improving parallel structure

1. Five criteria for a good Web page are content that serves the various audiences, attention to
details, and originality. It is also important to have effective organization and navigation
devices. Finally, provide attention to details such as revision date and the Webmaster’s
address.
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2. When you leave a voice-mail message, summarize your main point in a sentence or two, the
name and phone number should be given slowly and distinctly, the speaker should give
enough information so that the recipient can act on the message, and tell when you’ll be
available to receive the recipient’s return call.
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4.5 Make business writing effect-focused

There are a limited number of general nouns that are very frequently used in everyday business
communication. These high frequency words include Result, Outcome, Achievement, Goal, Target,
Objective, Problem, Consequence, and Risk. What these words say about any company situations
constitute the center and focus of managers’ daily business activities. If you have a close look at
what these words actually mean, you can see that they have a similarity in meaning, that is, an
EFFECT of some happenings or events. The differences among these words can be distinguished in
terms of two dimensions – desirability (positive or negative) and time (past, now, or future), which
can be illustrated in Figure 4.2.

Figure 4.2 Different words for the meaning of “effect”

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Exercise 1
Let’s look at the way a message is structured in version 1 and version 2. Version 2 is more attractive
to business readers? Why?

Version 1
Training overview
Previously, training was individual by individual:
 No central source for funding available training
 Research was limited to brochure and word of mouth
 Feedback about course quality was incomplete
 No tool available for evaluating and planning departmental training.
New Training Vision is to facilitate training for both the individual and the department via a
systematic approach to:
 Course selection, evaluation, and cost-effectiveness
 Development of curriculum for all levels
 Include all training
- internal training
- external training
- client-driven training

Version 2
Benefits of the New Training Vision
New Training Vision will make training more effective for both individuals and departments via a
systematic approach to:
 Course selection, evaluation, and cost-effectiveness
 Development of curriculum for all levels
 All training: internal, external, and client driven.
New Training Vision will solve previous problems by:
 Providing a central source for funding training
 Offering many methods to publicize training
 Requiring complete feedback about course quality
 Devising tools for planning and evaluating departmental training.

Exercise 2 What are the weaknesses of version 1? How are these weaknesses improved in
version 2?

Version 1
Goals
 The Clinical Research Department (CRD) conducts and manages clinical research at Nip & Tuck
 A key part of that function will be to simplify the administrative processes supporting research
and to actively assist researchers with those processes
 Part of the department’s role is to help ensure the protection of Nip & Tuck’s patients,
personnel, resources, and reputation.

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Version 2
Goals
The Clinical Research Department (CRD) helps conduct and manage clinical research at Nip & Tuck.
The department:
 Simplify the administrative processes supporting research
 Help researchers with those processes
 Help protect Nip & Tuck’s patients, personnel, resources, and reputation.

Exercise 3 The following message is written in a poor academically organized paragraph.

Revise the message so that it is effect-focused and easy-to-read.

The team’s analysis is enhanced through a continuous and lively dialogue between all team
members and management. An important part of the team’s role is to communicate their views to
the entire management team. Managers play a pivotal role as it is their responsibility to challenge
and question analysts’ views and assumptions continually. In the end, we believe better client
recommendations are made as a result of this rigorous ongoing discussion.

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4.6 Make Information flow smoothly across sentences

The way you structure information in writing can affect positively or negatively the way your
readers process and understand your message.
If you want to tell readers about what has happened to a bank, like ICBC or BOC, you can structure
your message this way:
a) The bank made several risky loans in the early 2000s. The bank wrote these loans off as
“uncollectible” in 2008.
You can also structure the same message differently like
b) The bank made several risky loans in the early 2000s. These loans were written off as
“uncollectible” in 2008.
By using the message structure a), the writer keeps talking about “the bank”, and tells readers
what has happened to it. But by using the structure b), the writer changed the theme from “the
bank” to “these loans. Why does the writer change the theme in b)?

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This is because the message structure b) takes in account the background knowledge of the reader
who is reading the message. When the reader finishes the first sentence, the reader already knows
what has happened to the bank, and what the reader wants to know next is “what has happened
to the risky loans”. Therefore, this way of structuring the information can follow the reader’s line
of thinking, and is felt to be more coherent.
Structure b) follows a principle of structuring information in writing, called “information structure”.
Information structure can be identified in any written or spoken communication and people
follows the principle subconsciously. The structure consists of two parts – Given information,
which is what readers know, and New information, which is what readers do not know yet and
wish to know. Given should always come first, and New follows.

Message structure a)

Given New
The bank made several risky loans in the early 2000s.
The bank wrote these loans off as “uncollectible” in 2008.

Message structure b)

Given New
The bank made several risky loans in the early 2000s.
These loans were written off as “uncollectible” in 2008.

Try to figure out what the following message is trying to say. Do you feel an unexpected abrupt
transition from one idea to the next? It is an example of choppy writing that can really frustrate
readers.

In February, management introduced a proposal designed to streamline the way the company
functions. Concerns that new federal regulations and increased competition will reduce the firm’s
effectiveness led management to introduce the proposal.

The real reason for the creation of a choppy writing is that the principle of information structure –
from Given to New sequence is violated. That is to say, readers expect to find Given information
at the beginning of the ensuing sentence, but in fact, what readers actually find at the beginning
of the second sentence is a New. See illustration below.

Given New
In February, management introduced a proposal designed to streamline
the way the company functions.

New Given
Concerns that new federal regulations and led management to introduce the proposal.
increased competition will reduce the
firm’s effectiveness
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Revision (natural information flow):

In February, management introduced a proposal designed to streamline the way the company
functions. The proposal was introduced because of concern that new federal regulations and
increased competition will reduce the firm’s effectiveness

Given New
In February, management introduced a proposal designed to streamline the way the
company functions.
The proposal was introduced because of concern that new federal regulations
and increased competition will reduce the firm’s effectiveness

Exercise
1. Which of two ensuing sentences – a) or b), follows more coherently? Why?
Movements in exchange rates among major currencies had a significant impact on the
international competitiveness of the East Asian economies because their currencies were closely
linked to the US dollar.
a) The response of monetary policies was complicated by the prolonged maintenance of pegged
exchanged rates (to the US dollar) at unsustainable levels in East Asia.
b) The prolonged maintenance of pegged exchanged rates (to the US dollar) at unsustainable
levels in East Asia complicated the response of monetary policies.

2. Revise a choppy text to make the information flow more natural and coherent.
Stoneheart’s revenue from some of its outsourcing contracts depends on the number of
participants in the clients’ benefit plans. Slow economic growth may cause the number of covered
participants to decline.

3. The decision about Given and New depends on what the reader wants to know. The reader’s
questions make it clear. Match the answers a), b), and c) with the questions.

Qs from audience Answers highlight what audience wish to know

1. What will you do next?
2. What will happen later in the year?
3. How do you know a third store is needed
on campus?

a) To see whether demand warrants a third store on campus, we will survey customers later in
the year.
b) Later in the year, we will survey customers to see whether demand warrants a third store on
campus.
c) We will survey customers later in the year to see whether demand warrants a third store on
campus.

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4.7 Make clear underlying logical relations by using signal expressions

Coherence is the reader’s feeling about idea fluency of your communication whether it be written
or spoken. It happens when the reader feels what you say makes sense or is logical. A coherent
communication is the result of keeping everything you say in the writing logically connected. To
create coherence of communication, three types of language resources can help: (1) theme
structure; (2) information structure; and (3) cohesion, which are illustrated below.

1st and 2nd person (personal)

Theme structure (writer
3rd person (impersonal)
perspective

Information structure
Coherence Elaboration
(reader perspective)
Extension
Conjunction
Enhancement
Cohesion
Reference

Lexical

Ellipsis

Figure 4.3 Language resources for coherence

Theme structure and information structure have been discussed, and we will move on to discuss
a kind of cohesion resources – conjunction. The word “conjunction” literally means “ideas logically
stay joined”. It refers to a kind of logic that can help explain how ideas get connected in human
thinking – by elaboration, extension, or enhancement. The meaning of each type of 3 E’s is defined
as shown below:

Logic Definition Meaning

Elaborating The idea that elaborates another idea provides examples Idea A = Idea B
to make that idea more specific. Elaborate the previously presented
general idea
Extending The idea that extends another idea adds further Idea A + Idea B
information to make that idea complete. Extend with a new idea
Enhancing The idea that enhances another idea makes it stronger in Idea A◊ Idea B
credibility. Enhance an argument

The following short passage is a short introduction of advantages and disadvantage of a product
“computer style checkers”. Can you easily see how the ideas in five sentences get logically
connected so that you have a feeling of a coherent communication? What can be done to make it
more coherent and more easy-to-read?

Computer style checkers rank somewhere between artificial intelligence and artificial ignorance.
Style checkers are like clever children: smart but not wise. Business writers should be cautious. They
should be aware of the usefulness of style checkers. They should know their limitations.
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As a reader, you can understand what each of five sentences says, but you may have considerable
difficulty figuring out the overall message. The reason is that the underlying logics among five ideas
are not explicitly signaled in language expressions. Even though the writer of this message may
claim that all the ideas in this message are connected logically in this way (see below), you may
still have certain level of difficulty understanding the whole message completely.

1. Computer style checkers rank somewhere between artificial

intelligence and artificial ignorance.
=

2. Style checkers are like clever children: smart but not wise.
◊

3. Business writers should be cautious.

◊

4. They should be aware of the usefulness of style checkers.

+
5. They should know their limitations.

Logic is invisible. Although human mind is capable of comprehending logic, identifying types of
logic in reading can be frustrating and time-consuming. Thus a reader-friendly writer would do
something to help readers, and one type of language resource is the signposting language. Let’s
use the suitable signposting language to make the underlying logic of the above message more
explicit for readers.

Computer style checkers rank somewhere between artificial intelligence and artificial ignorance.
For example, they are like clever children: smart but not wise. For this reason, business writers
should be cautious. Although they should be aware of the usefulness of style checkers, business
writers should also know their limitations.

Do you feel much better about the idea coherence in the message? So when we talk about what
“reading comprehension” is, it is actually the result of a clear understanding of underlying logic of
elaboration, extension, and enhancement.

Listed below are the language resources of signposting language and the use of which can make 3
E’s logic very clear to readers:

3Es Subcategories Typical words

Elaboration Apposition in other words, that is, etc.

Clarification or rather, by the way, etc.

Extension Addition moreover, in addition, nor, etc.

Adversative but, however, etc.

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 Variation instead, alternatively, etc.

Enhancement Spatio-temporal then, afterwards, meanwhile, etc.

Causal-conditional therefore, on account of this, etc.

Comparative likewise, in a different way, etc.

Respective in that respect, elsewhere, etc.

Exercise
The main points in the following four short texts are developed in different ways. What kinds of
logical relations are used to connect ideas in each of them?

Text 1
Some of our most popular products are available through local distributors. For example, Everett
& Lemmings carries our frozen soups and entrees. The J.B. Green company carries our complete
line of seasonings, as well as the frozen soups. Wilmont foods, also a major distributor, now carries
our new line of frozen desserts.
Type of logic __________________________________________

Text 2
Successful candidates for our supervisor trainee program generally come from one of several
groups. The largest group, by far, consists of recent graduates of accredited data-processing
programs. The next largest group comes from within our own company, as we try to promote
promising clerical workers to positions of greater responsibility. Finally, we occasionally accept
candidates with outstanding supervisory experience in related industries.
Type of logic __________________________________________

Text 3
In previous years, when the company was small, the recruiting function could be handled informally.
The need for new employees was limited, and each manager could comfortably screen and hire her
or his own staff. Today, however, Gambit Products must undertake a major recruiting effort. Our
successful bid on the Owens contract means that we will be doubling our labor force over the next
six months. To hire that many people without disrupting our ongoing activities, we will create a
separate recruiting group within the human resources department.
Type of logic __________________________________________

Text 4
The heavy-duty fabric of your Wanderer tent probably broke down for one of two reasons: a sharp
object punctured the fabric, and without reinforcement, the hole was enlarged by the stress of
erecting the tent daily for a week; or the tent was folded and stored while still wet, which gradually
rotted the fibers.
Type of logic __________________________________________

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Assignment

Revise the following procedure message to improve readability

To: Ruth DiSilvestro, Manager

From: Troy Bell, Human Resources
Subject: Job Advertisement Misunderstanding

We had no idea last month when we implemented new hiring procedures that major problems would result. Due to
the fact that every department is now placing internet advertisements for new-hires individually, the difficulties
occurred. This cannot continue. Perhaps we did not make it clear at that time, but all newly hired employees who
are hired for a position should be requested through this office.
Do not submit your advertisements for new employees directly to an internet job bank or a newspaper. After writing
them, they should be brought to Human Resources, where they will be centralized. You should discuss each ad with
one of our counselors. Then we will place the ad at an appropriate internet site or other publication. If you do not
follow these guidelines, chaos will result. You may pick up applicant folders from us the day after the closing date
in an ad.

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