The Art of Everyday

Assertiveness
Become Strong Willed and Stop People Pleasing

Ian Tuhovsky

Positve Coaching LLC

 Copyright © 2023 by Ian Tuhovsky and Positive Coaching LLC

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 Contents

1. Introduction 1

2. Part 1: Assertiveness and the Basics of Behavior 2

3. Personality, Behavior, and ConRict Sesolution 4tyles 3

T. gaY ’ou!re itN: 4tronY Characteristics of the -on7Assertive Person 15

q. A BouWuet of wallRoFers: why we Hind It bard to 6e Assertive 23

L. ghe Dittle DeaYue: piEerent gy8es of -on7Assertive Peo8le 31

5. Part 2: ghe Art of 9veryday Assertiveness Tq

M. ghe Basics of Assertiveness TL

0. p9AS UA-: ghe 4even Pillars of Assertiveness L1

1k. 4ocial Uedia Assertiveness LM

11. ghe —ntoucha6les: boF to 6e Assertive in ’our Personal Selationshi8s 5L

12. boF to Be Assertive at worJ and -ot Dose ’our o6 MT

13. Conclusion 05

Hootnotes 1kk

A6out Author 1k1

 1

Introduction

No is the most powerful word in any language—it is also the most irritating and the
hardest to say.
Why?
Because it brings con,ictz and for many of usz con,ict is more uncomfortable than
trying to be friends with a craxy ej. No is not Fust a word. vor the person at the receiHing
endz it can be surprisingz disappointingz and damn right annoying. qoweHerz for youz
simply saying no to reDuests and demands that oHerwhelm and drain you can be ejtremely
liberating.
-espite how hard it is to say noz the truth remains that this smallz twokletter word
protects usz our time and resourcesz enables us to create and enforce boundaries in our
diIerent relationshipsz and ma es life generally more ful lling.
n this boo z we will loo at the concept of assertiHeness as a wholez the reasons we nd
it so hard to be assertiHez and how to practice assertiHeness—and the art of saying no—in
our diIerent relationships.
 2

Part 1: Assertiveness
and the Basics of
Behavior
 3

Personality, Behavior,
and ConciRt
uesolStion tyles

Human behavior flows from three main sources: desire, emotion, and knowledge
Plato

When two or more are gathered, conisct sv snebstal.eT uhsv sv lecafve ok the natfra.
dsperencev letween ofr needv, wantv, .syev, and dsv.syev, and av each ok theve barsal.ev
come sn contact, there sv lofnd to le krsctson av we comxete kor vfxremacAT uo revo.be
thsv conisct, we adoxt dsperent conisct revo.ftson vtA.ev whsch are .arge.A determsned lA
ofr ePxersencev, xervona.stA, and enbsronmentT Hnd thsv sv where st getv snterevtsngT
-vAcho.ogsvt H.kred Hd.er wav the jrvt xervon to de.sneate dsperent xervona.stA tAxevT
Isv concext hsngev on the xremsve that ofr actsonv and snactsonv are motsbated lA con“
vcsofv and fnconvcsofv goa.vT Hn eavA waA to sdentskA the ol”ectsbe lehsnd ofr lehabsor
sv to .ooy at the revf.t st xrodfcevT ’k, kor ePamx.e, a xervon a.waAv vaAv :Aev• to xeox.e—v
demandv eben when st—v snconbensent, one can avvfme thsv xervon needv to le .syed or
veen av a good xervonT uo maye thsngv eben vsmx.er, .et—v .ooy at vome thsngv we do when
we ePxersence barsofv emotsonvN
U We vhoft when we are angrA, not to vcare the other xervonOa.thofgh thsv sv xov“
vsl.e wsth certasn xervona.stA tAxevOlft lecafve we kee. dsvconnected krom them and
fnheardT
] ’HV uSIKY4[1

U 4tfdsev vhow that when vomethsng ePcstsng or x.eavant haxxenv, the lrasn re.eavev
endorxhsnv and tranvmstv vsgna.v that maye Aofr kacsa. mfvc.ev re.aP snto a vms.eT ’n a
keedlacy .oox, the lrasn recesbev the vsgna. that Aof are vms.sng, re.eavev more endorxhsnv,
and the vms.e lecomev wsderT 4o evventsa..A, we vms.e lecafve ofr lrasn sv haxxA and rea..A
wantv to vhow stT )MB

Personality and Behavior

-ervona.stA c.avvsjcatson sv one ok the movt xoxf.ar areav ok xvAcho.ogAT uhere are
ood.ev ok welvstev deboted to he.xsng Aof aT( jnd Aofr xervona.stA tAxe and lT( nabsgate
dsperent avxectv ok .ske laved on Aofr xervona.stA tAxeT 4ome ok the movt xoxf.ar xer“
vona.stA tAxe c.avvsjcatsonv snc.fdeN
U uhe 6Aerv“Crsggv uAxe ’ndscator 26Cu’(, whsch hav Mz dsperent xervona.stA c.avvs“
jcatsonvT
U uhe temxerament c.avvsjcatson, whsch dsbsdev xervona.stA snto kofr grofxv 24an“
gfsne, Lho.ersc, -h.egmatsc, and 6e.ancho.sc( )"B and wav xoxf.arsDed lA usm FahaAe—v
vemsna. looy, EWhA We uhsny and Hct the WaA We 3oET
U 3rT Ie.en Jsvcher—v -ervona.stA uAxev, whsch dsbsdev xervona.stA snto kofr grofxvN
uhe 5Px.orer, uhe Cfs.der, uhe 3srector, and uhe HdbocateT )RB
U uhe ’ndsan HAfrbeda L.avvsjcatson, whsch dsbsdev xervona.stA snto the dovhav 2e.e“
menta. grofxv( ok Yata, -stta, and [axhaT )]B
U uhe Gfngsan mode., whsch lroad.A c.avvsjev xervona.stA snto ePtroberted and sntro“
bertedT )?B uhsv sv okten ePtended to snc.fde a msdd.e grofnd ca..ed the amlsbert or
omnsbertT

Kne thread that rfnv throfgh theve dsperent axxroachev to xervona.stA sv that we
are sntrsnvsca..A dsperent, and thsv apectv ofr reactsonv, actsonv, and snactsonvT Whs.e
lehabsor and xervona.stA are okten fved a.movt snterchangeal.A, theA are berA dsperentT
-ervona.stA cannot le he.xed, lft lehabsor can le changed and a.teredT
Jor thsv looy, ’ want Aof to thsny ok lehabsor av a gav meterT Ht the .ower end sv
xavvsbstAT 1of are rfnnsng on emxtA, lendsng to otherv, and neg.ectsng Aofrve.kT Ht the
hsgher end sv aggrevvsbenevvT 1ofr tany sv too kf.. 2ok Aofrve.k(, Aof can le ePtreme.A rfde,
 uI5 H/u KJ 5Y5/13H1 H445/u’Y5V544 ?

and are dsvrevxectkf. and neg.ectkf. ok othervT uhe leaftskf. msdd.e sv avvertsbenevvT Iere,
Aof are revxectkf. ok Aofrve.k and otherv and attentsbe to Aofr needv and the needv ok
other xeox.eT 1of—re nesther too hot nor too co.dT ’n the wordv ok the kasrAta.e character,
qo.ds.ocyv, avvertsbenevv sv :”fvt rsghtT•
Caved on thsv sdea, there are three tAxev ok lehabsorvN
U Von“avvertsbe, or -avvsbe
U Hggrevvsbe
U Hvvertsbe

Non-assertive or Passive Behavior

/ememler how we agreed there sv a goa. lehsnd eberA actson or snactson7 We.., wsth the
non“avvertsbe or xavvsbe xervon, the ma”or goa. sv to abosd conisct at anA covtT uhsv xrsmarA
goa. can lranch snto other vecondarA goa.v and f.tsmate.A revf.t sn sgnorsng Aofr needv
when st sntervectv and snterkerev wsth thove ok anotherT uhe xavvsbe xervon—v thofght
xattern goev .sye thsvN
:’ ws.. vaA Aev to her eben sk st sv not conbensent kor me, lecafve ’ don—t want her to le
dsvaxxosntedT ’k vhe sv dsvaxxosnted sn me, vhe maA not want to le krsendv wsth meT•
Iere, dsvaxxosntment sv the conisct theA trA to abosd, whs.e lesng .syed sv the vecondarA
goa.T

uhere are two lavsc tAxev ok non“avvertsbe!xavvsbe lehabsorN )zB

U 4stfatsona. -avvsbstA
U qenera. or q.ola. -avvsbstA

1. Situational Passivity
Hv the name smx.sev, thsv sv xavvsbstA ePhslsted sn the kace ok vxecsjc vstfatsonv or wsth
vxecsjc xeox.eT uhsv can le olverbed when vomeone sv avvertsbe at wory and sn thesr
krsend grofx lft sv xavvsbe wsth thesr xartner or xfvhA va.evxeox.eT Hnother great ePamx.e
sv when a xervon sv xavvsbe sn the kace ok danger 2eTgT, a rollerA vstfatson or a xo.sce
a.tercatson(T 4stfatsona. xavvsbstA can le a good or a lad thsng dexendsng on the reavonv
kor st and the vstfatson sn 8fevtsonT
z ’HV uSIKY4[1

2. General or Global Passivity

uhsv sv where a xervon—v dekaf.t sv xavvsbstAT uheA are xavvsbe sn a.. thesr re.atsonvhsxv and
on.A get thesr needv met when vasd needv sntervect wsth that ok othervT uhere sv nothsng
good aloft thsv tAxe ok xavvsbstAT Wsth g.ola. xavvsbstA, three thsngv are .sye.A to occfrN
U ’ntraxervona. or ’nterna. LonisctN Whs.e snterxervona. conisct sv abosded, the xavvsbe
xervon convtant.A kee.v fnhaxxA and srrstated av thesr needv are dsvregardedT ’t can a.vo
revf.t sn kee.sngv ok vhame, xervsvtent .ow ve.k“evteem, ve.k“doflt, and ve.k“dsvregardT
U Lonvtant 6svtreatmentN ’k Aof gsbe xeox.e an snch, theA ws.. taye a ms.eT Ioweber,
theA ws.. haxxs.A taye three ms.ev sk Aof vms.e whs.e gsbsng them an snchT -eox.e are
ve.jvhOthsv sv ”fvt a kactT Fekt to thesr own debscev, xeox.e ws.. on.A and convtant.A do
thsngv that kabor themT uhe good thsng sv when Aof are avvertsbe, hea.thA xeox.e are ws..sng
to comxromsveT Kn the other hand, mansxf.atorv don—t and wof.dn—t comxromsveT uhsv
sv whA theA okten veey oft xavvsbe xeox.eT ’t sv a marrsage ok conbensenceN the xavvsbe
xervon gsbev and gsbev whs.e the mansxf.ator tayev snjnste.AT
U -avvsbe“aggrevvsbe CehabsorN -eox.e okten erroneofv.A c.avvskA xavvsbe“aggrevvsbenevv
av a dsvtsnct lehabsor tAxeT -avvsbe“aggrevvsbe sv an opvhoot ok xavvsbstAT uhsny ok the
xavvsbe xervon av a yett.e los.sng krom the heat ok fnmet needvT uheA can on.A ho.d st sn
kor vo .ongT When theA get to the los.sng xosnt, a.. he.. .etv .ooveT uhsv sv fvfa..A the xosnt
when theA lecome xavvsbe“aggrevvsbeT -avvsbe“aggrevvsbenevv can manskevt av a tendencA to
crA or vf.y ”fvt to jna..A get xeox.e to meet thesr needvT ’t can a.vo revf.t sn the veevaw epect
where a xervon sv non“avvertsbe kor a whs.e then lecomev aggrevvsbeOand eben bso.entOat
xosntv where st sv no .onger xovvsl.e to denA thesr evventsa. needvT uhe xavvsbe“aggrevvsbe
xervon devxerate.A wantv to le avvertsbe lft sv snhslsted aloft st dfe to certasn ve.k“le.sekv
or goa.v 2eTgT, needsng to le .syed(T 4o when theA get oberwhe.med krom vaAsng Aev, theA
kee. vo angrA and krfvtrated that theA vwsng to the other ePtreme ok thsngvT

Signs of Passive-Aggressiveness
-avvsbe“aggrevvsbenevv can .ooy .sye manA thsngvT ’t can le ca.m.A accextsng snvf.tv krom
a xartner on.A to, wsthoft warnsng, vend them a .ong lreayfx tePt sn the msdd.e ok the
nsghtT ’t can a.vo le vaAsng vomethsng rfde and addsng an :’—m ”oysng• ”fvt to ca.m the
wofndT H.. theve manskevtatsonv are dsbsded snto three xrsmarA grofxvN

Triangulation
 uI5 H/u KJ 5Y5/13H1 H445/u’Y5V544 Q

We a.. habe that krsend wsth whom we conjde aloft bsrtfa..A eberAthsngT uheA ynow
a.. ofr .obe snterevtv, trsa.v, and wsnvT 6ovt smxortant.A, theA ynow who we dsv.sye and
whA we dsv.sye themT Cft le carekf.Owhs.e st sv oy to conjde sn vomeone, there sv a thsn
.sne letween conjdsng sn xeox.e and trsangf.atsonT Jor ePamx.e, sk Aof are krfvtrated wsth
Aofr vxofve and ta.y to Aofr krsend aloft st, Aof are conjdsng sn themT Ioweber, sk Aof
are vaAsng negatsbe thsngv aloft Aofr vxofve to Aofr chs.dren vo that the ysdv ws.. vee Aof
av the letter xarent, chancev are Aof are trsangf.atsngT ursangf.atson sv a mansxf.atson
tactsc fved to abosd dsrect conbervatson and attasn contro.T )QB Gfvt .sye a trsang.e hav three
vsdev, trsangf.atson snbo.bev three xeox.eN
U uhe xervon trsangf.atsng 2sTeT, the xavvsbe xervon sn thsv vcenarso(T
U uhe xervon lesng ta.yed aloft 2sTeT, the vxofve(T
U uhe xervon to whom the trsangf.ator sv bentsng 2sTeT, the chs.d or chs.dren(T
Hv a xavvsbe xervon sv snext at dsrect conbervatson and cannot vtand fx kor themve.bev,
trsangf.atsng he.xv them .et op vteamT ursangf.atson gsbev the xavvsbe xervon the s..fvson
ok contro.T 3frsng trsangf.atson, theA are dsrect wsth thesr kee.sngv, whsch a..owv them to
abosd lecomsng aggrevvsbe .ater onT uheA can govvsx aloft or rfn the other xervon down
sn vstfatsonv .sye thsvT Ioweber, the xrol.em svn—t vo.bed, av theA are not conkrontsng the
xervon theA need to vtand fx toT

Undermining
Laro. sv a xeox.e x.eaverT uhsv .eadv her to taye on more wory than vhe can hand.e to
maye the other xervon haxxAT Whs.e Laro. kee.v kf.j..ed when the other xervon thanyv
her and ca..v her a good krsend, vhe kee.v convtant.A vtrevvedT Favt weey, her krsend H.sce
wanted Laro. to he.x her rebsew vome evvaAvT Cetween taysng care ok her ysdv and worysng
ten“hofr vhsktv kor the xavt jbe daAv, Laro. sv ePhafvtedT 4he wantv to vaA no, lft vhe
cannot lear to dsvaxxosnt H.sceT 4o vhe agreev to rebsew the evvaAvT Cft Laro. hav an
sdeaT [nowsng H.sce ws.. avy her kor more kaborv sk the rebsewv were done correct.A, Laro.
xfrxove.A doev a vhoddA ”ol sn hoxev that H.sce ws.. neber avy her kor a kabor agasnT
Hnd st woryv9
uhsv sv ca..ed fndermsnsngT Sndermsnsng sv a xavvsbe“aggrevvsbe waA ok tfrnsng down
kftfre re8fevtv lA sntentsona..A msvhand.sng cfrrent re8fevtvT ’nvtead ok oftrsght.A re“
kfvsng to do thsngv, Aof accext and de.sber xoor.AT Whs.e fndermsnsng msght veem .sye
an ePce..ent vtrategA to the xavvsbe xervon, st sv a terrsl.e sdea av stN
U qsbev the other xervon the decsvson“maysng xowerT
0 ’HV uSIKY4[1

U Lreatev a lad smxrevvson ok Aofr woryT

U Lan trsgger .ow ve.k“evteem dfe to xoor xerkormanceT

Sarcasm
uhe vharxevt too. sn the xavvsbe“aggrevvsbe xervon—v arvena. sv varcavmT Goe sv a charmsng
gfAT Isv krsendv .obe hsm kor hsv generovstA, comxavvson, and eavAgosng attstfdeT Ioweber,
thsv eavAgosng attstfde okten .eadv to Goe—v lofndarsev lesng lreached and hsv needv not
lesng metT Goe—v krsendv habe gotten fved to hsm lesng a vxort and taysng ePtreme ”oyev sn
vtrsdeT 4o st wav conkfvsng when Goe, snvtead ok vms.sng awaA Cs..A—v ”oye aloft hsv hesght,
rex.sed, :Ht .eavt ’—m ta..er than Aofr ’%T• Cs..A wav bsvsl.A hfrt and conkfvedT Goe notsced
thsv and chfcy.edT :3fde9• he vaAvT :’—m ”fvt ”oysng, man9• H vcattersng ok fncomkortal.e
.afghter ko..owedT 4omehow, eberAone ynew Goe wav not ”oysngT Fsye trsangf.atson and
fndermsnsng, the xavvsbe xervon fvev varcavm to gasn momentarA contro. and ePxe. vome
ok the heat that comev wsth lesng wa.yed a.. ober and not habsng thesr needv metT

Aggressive Behavior
Whereav xavvsbstA sv xerxetfa. vs.ence, aggrevvsbenevv sv .sye a delateT uhe goa. sv to wsn,
domsnate, and get Aofr waAT Wsth thsv vtA.e, Aofr own needv are xrsmarA, and the other
xervon—v needv are re.egated to the lacygrofndT Fsye xavvsbstA, aggrevvson can leN
4stfatsona.N Iere, the xervon sv aggrevvsbe wsth certasn xeox.e 2eTgT, xartnerv and chs.“
dren( lft xavvsbe wsth otherv 2eTgT, krsendv, lovvev, coworyerv(T uhsv sv okten berA olbsofv
wsth xrol.ematsc xervona.stsev .sye narcsvvsvtv who ws.. xft fx a charmsng kront wsth
ac8fasntancev and xowerkf. xeox.e lft le dsvmsvvsbe, condevcendsng, and aggrevvsbe wsth
the xeox.e sn thesr snner csrc.eT
qenera. or q.ola.N Iere, the xervon—v dekaf.t lehabsor sv aggrevvsonT
Kn xaxer, the aggrevvsbe xervon sv the ysng ok the ”fng.eT uhesr needv are met, and av
sndsbsdfa.v, xeox.e revxect, rebere, and eben kear themT Ioweber, theAN
U H.senate xeox.e lecafve ok thesr korcekf.nevv and aggrevvsonT
U /exe. hea.thA xeox.e dfe to thesr snals.stA to comxromsveT
U Facy sntsmacA, av theA movt okten cannot hand.e bf.nerals.stAT
U Iabe fnhea.thA re.atsonvhsxv, av theA okten veey oft xavvsbe xeox.e who 8fset.A revent
them devxste a.waAv ac8fsevcsng to thesr ws..T

Assertive Behavior
 uI5 H/u KJ 5Y5/13H1 H445/u’Y5V544 ;

’k xavvsbstA sv xerxetfa. vs.ence and aggrevvsbenevv sv a delate, avvertsbenevv sv a dsa.ogfeT

Hvvertsbenevv sv a le.sek sn the democracA ok needvT ’t sv the xrsorstsDatson ok comxromsve
sn the kace ok anA conisctT uhe goa. sv to revo.be conisct sn a waA that sv vatsvkactorA to loth
xartsevT ’n anA gsben conisct vstfatson, the avvertsbe xervon avyv two crstsca. 8fevtsonvN

U Iow do ’ vtand fx kor mAve.k sn a waA that revxectv the other xervon—v dsgnstA7
U Iow do ’ get what ’ want wsthoft rollsng the other xervon ok thesr needv7

Hvvertsbenevv sv that ws..sngnevv to vtex fx and drsbe thsngv korwardT uhsv can come
krom fvsng dAnamsc .angfage that c.ear.A commfnscatev one—v needv and lofndarsevT uo
xsggAlacy op -.ato—v 8fote, avvertsbe lehabsor iowv krom kofr xrsmarA vofrcevN devsre,
emotson, ve.k, and other“dsrected ynow.edgeT
uhe kofr masn keatfrev ok an avvertsbe vtA.e areN
U uhe als.stA to kree.A ePxrevv needv and kee.sngv sn a ve.k“vatsvkAsng and vocsa..A epectsbe
mannerT
U H kocfv on reavonal.e comxromsve, not wsnnsng or .ettsng :xeace resgnT•
U Hls.stA to negotsate xractsca. changev and vo.ftsonvT
U uhe als.stA to x.an, ve.., and smx.ement agreeal.e vo.ftsonvT

Carlara hav had a vtrevvkf. weey and doev not kee. .sye cooysng tonsghtT 4he ca..v her
xartner, Gsm, and avyv hsm to lrsng home ’ndsan kood, av vhe cannot cooy tonsghtT Gsm
agreevT Ioweber, he wantv xsDDa snvteadT
:uhat—v jne,• vaAv CarlaraT :1of can get a xsDDa kor Aofrve.k, .obe, lft cof.d Aof vts..
xscy fx vome ’ndsan kood kor me lekore Aof get home7•
Gsm sv not haxxA wsth the arrangementT uhe xsDDa x.ace sv c.over to homeT qettsng
’ndsan kood meant drsbsng kor ten ePtra msnftev to the ’ndsan x.ace at the town center,
and Gsm wav ePhafvtedT
:4orrA, lale,• he vsghv snto the xhoneT :’—m lfvhedT ’ kee. .sye ’ on.A habe the energA
to get the xsDDa and come vtrasght homeT•
Carlara sv dsvaxxosntedT Ioweber, vhe fndervtandv Gsm—v need kor revt tooT
:Vo worrsev, .obe,• vhe rex.sevT :Iow aloft ’ ”fvt rsng them fx and habe them de.sber
st here7 uhen Aof can xscy st fx krom the doorman lekore comsng fxT•
M ’HV uSIKY4[1

uhsv sv an ePamx.e ok an avvertsbe re.atsonvhsx dAnamscT uheA are loth aware ok thesr
needv and commfnscate them epectsbe.A and revxectkf..AT Ioweber, theA are a.vo attfned
to the other xervon—v needv and are ws..sng to negotsate and come to mftfa..A kaboral.e
vo.ftsonvT ’k Carlara had leen xavvsbe and not aware ok her needv, vhe wof.d habe decsded
to go wsth xsDDa, eben thofgh that wav not what vhe wantedT uhsv can .ead to reventment
ober tsme, and to her kee.sng .sye Gsm doevn—t care aloft her eben sk that—v not the caveT
Kn the other hand, sk Carlara wav aggrevvsbe, vhe wof.d habe gotten fxvet at Gsm kor
wantsng xsDDa and xerhaxv vasd vomethsng a.ong the .snev ok, :1of a.waAv do thsvT 1of
can—t eben go ten msnftev kfrther to do vomethsng kor meT ’ndsan sv hea.thser than xsDDa,
anAwaAT ’ don—t care how ePhafvted Aof areOwe are habsng ’ndsan, and that—v jna.9• ’t—v
vake to vaA thsv bervson ok the re.atsonvhsx sv oxeratsng on lorrowed tsmeT
Hvvertsbenevv sv loth ve.k“adbocacA and adbocatsng kor the needv ok othervT Whs.e manA
xeox.e ws.. not revxond we.. to an avvertsbe vtA.e, movt hea.thA adf.tv sn a kree democratsc
vocsetA fvfa..A do revxond xovstsbe.A, maysng st the movt epectsbe waA ok conisct revo“
.ftsonT Whs.e the xavvsbe xervon kearv lesng oxen wsth thesr needv wof.d .ead to .ovsng
krsendv, the avvertsbe xervon fndervtandv avvertsbenevv sv crfcsa. kor a good re.atsonvhsxT ’t
lfs.dv ePce..ent ve.k“evteem, av Aof are lesng more trfthkf. to Aofr ba.fev and oxsnsonv av
we.. av that ok othervT
Whs.e avvertsbenevv sv revxectkf., st can a.vo le fncomkortal.e kor Aof and othervT ’t
demandv that we vxeay dsrect.A, whsch maA kee. awyward kor Aof and the other xervon at
jrvtT uhsv awywardnevv sv whA manA xeox.e trasned to le ober.A accommodatsng coniate
avvertsbenevv wsth rfdenevvT Hnd sk Aof are not edfcated on the dsperence letween the
two, Aof can eavs.A end fx vhsktsng lacy snto lesng wa.yed a.. oberT
’t—v JrsdaA, and the worydaA sv gradfa..A endsngT Jrancsvco sv rofndsng fx hsv tavyvT
Vow and then, hsv eAev drskt to the c.ocy on hsv tal.e av he woryvT uhe tsme sv ha.k xavt
kofrT Gfvt thsrtA msnftev .ekt fnts. he cof.d jna..A go home, revt, and vxend tsme wsth
hsv kams.AT Ht a 8farter to jbe, hsv lovv, Jrederscy, wa.yv snto Jrancsvco—v o ce and droxv
vome xaxerv on hsv tal.eT
:Lsvco, mA man9• Jrederscy le..owvT :’ need Aofr magsc lrasn on thsv xro”ectT ’ wof.d
need to vee a drakt lA 4fndaAT•
Jrancsvco tayev a deex lreath and .ooyv krom the docfment to hsv lovvT :’ fndervtand,
lft 4fndaA won—t le xovvsl.e kor meT ’ habe a weeyend trsx wsth mA wske that ’ can—t get
oft ok, lft ’ vhof.d le al.e to habe st to Aof lA WednevdaAT•
 uI5 H/u KJ 5Y5/13H1 H445/u’Y5V544 MM

uhe lovv .ooyv lothered and vomewhat angrAT Jrancsvco masntasnv eAe contactT :’—d le
haxxA to do thsv, lft .sye ’ vasd, ’—d need .onger than 4fndaAT Cft maAle 6sye cof.d habe
st done sn tsme sk Aof want to convsder hsm7•
Jrederscy hav c.ear oxtsonvN
U qsbe the wory to 6syeOwho sv .evv vys..edOand get the wory lA 4fndaAT
U ’nvsvt Jrancsvco woryv on st ober the weeyend and rsvy st not lesng de.sberedT
U Fet Jrancsvco wory on st nePt weey and recesbe the fvfa. ePce..ent revf.tvT
’t can le berA fncomkortal.e vaAsng no to vomeoneN a vfxersor, a krsend, or vomeone
we rea..A care aloftT Ioweber, vaAsng no avvertsbe.A sv not rfdenevvT ’t vhowv Aof habe a
wea.th ok ve.k“ynow.edge and a great dea. ok ve.k“revxectT

4o what are the charactersvtscv ok avvertsbe commfnscatson7

1. ConLdent Body Manguage

Kfr wordv maye fx ”fvt R ok ofr conbervatsonT uhe remasnsng ;Q convsvtv ok
non“berla.v vfch av lodA xovtfre, arm and hand x.acement, eAe contact, bosce xstch,
vxeech vxeed, etcT uhe movt crfcsa. avxect ok avvertsbe commfnscatson sv conjdent lodA
.angfageT Vo matter how dsrect and c.ear Aofr wordv are, sk Aof abosd eAe contact, jdget
and draw csrc.ev sn the vand av Aof vxeay, Aof vts.. come op av xavvsbeT Kfr lodsev are .sye
tfnsng koryv amx.skAsng ofr kee.sngv and emotsonvT 4o when Aof xasr conjdent wordv
wsth fnconjdent lodA .angfage, the other xervon xscyv fx on that and xfvhev lacy eben
harderT
Fet—v go lacy to the Jrancsvco ePamx.e kor a momentT
uhe lovv comev snto the o ce and avyv Jrancsvco to wory hsv magsc on a new xro”ect
and de.sber st lA 4fndaAT Jrancsvco .ooyv krom hsv lovv to the docfmentT Ie twsvtv hsv
jngerv together and legsnv hsv rex.AT :’—m vorrA sk thsv vofndv wesrd, lft can ’ not do
st thsv weey7• Jrancsvco .ooyv at hsv jngernas.vT Ie vtartv x.aAsng wsth the hangnas. on
hsv .ekt sndeP jngerT :’ ysnda, fh, habe x.anv kor the weey,• he vtammervT :’ rea..A want
to he.x, lft ’—m vorrA ’ cannotT -.eave don—t le madT• Sn.sye Jrancsvco krom lekore, thsv
Jrancsvco sv trAsng to le avvertsbe and kas.sng at stT Isv wordv are weayened lA :’—m vorrA“v•
and :ysnda“vT• Isv snals.stA to maye eAe contact vhowv he sv akrasd and xrolal.A le.sebev
he hav no rsght to vtate hsv own needvT uhe jdgetsng vhowv he sv anPsofv and trAsng to
ePxe. that anPsetAT Jor commfnscatson to le avvertsbe and epectsbe, st hav to le xasred
wsth conjdent and avvertsbe lodA .angfageT
M" ’HV uSIKY4[1

ka:e sure toR

U 5vtal.svh eAe contactT
U 4xeay sn a ca.m and meavfred tone ok bosceT
U Hbosd jdgetsng or x.aAsng wsth Aofr handv and hasr, or ePcevvsbe.A tofchsng Aofr kaceT
U Vot axo.ogsDe fnnecevvars.A and fve weay wordv .sye :[snda• or :’ gfevvT•
U Hbosd bents.atsng actsonv .sye read”fvtsng Aofr tse, rfnnsng Aofr handv throfgh Aofr
hasr, or kannsng Aofrve.k, av theA vsgna. anPsetA and dsvcomkortT

Being pesOectful and HOen to ComOromise

Hv ePxrevved ear.ser, avvertsbenevv sv a.. aloft ve.k“adbocacA and other“dsrected adbocacAT
uhsv meanv Aof fndervtand that the other xervon—v needv are ”fvt av smxortant av AofrvT
uhsv concext sv wonderkf..A caxtfred lA the Lhrsvtsan vaAsng, :3o fnto otherv av Aof
wof.d habe them do fnto AofT• uhe 6ovasc Faw hav a vsms.ar sn”fnctsonN :Whateber sv
hfrtkf. to Aof, do not do to another xervonT• uhe avvertsbe xervon ynowv how smxortant
st sv to habe one—v needv acynow.edged and metT 4o sn adbocatsng kor the kf.j..ment ok
thesr needv, theA trA to jnd a mftfa..A lenejcsa. arrangementT Hn epectsbe waA to do
thsv sv lA opersng choscevT
-ovt“gradfatson, ’ woryed av a hea.thcare avvsvtant sn a care homeT 6A wardv were
xrsmars.A e.der.A xeox.e dea.sng wsth dsperent .ebe.v ok dementsaT Worysng there tafght
me a .ot aloft .ske and conisct revo.ftsonT 3evxste thesr cfrrent vtatev, movt ok mA wardv
had had kf.j..sng .sbev and had leen sn xovstsonv ok afthorstAT 4o st wav hard kor them to
ad”fvt to the regsmented .ske at the care homeT uheA had to eat, v.eex, krevhen fx and taye
thesr medv at vxecsjc tsmevT uhsv wav natfra..A fncomkortal.e kor xeox.e fved to ca..sng
the vhotv ober a.. avxectv ok thesr .sbevT
Hnd what do xeox.e do when theA are fncomkortal.e7
uheA rele.T
uhe revsdentv wof.d vwear at vtap and throw tantrfmv when vtap trsed to he.x them
wsth xervona. care, keedsng, or anA ok the vchedf.ed actsbstsevT ’t wav, kor want ok a
letter word, he..T ’t wav emotsona..A and xhAvsca..A drasnsngT Kne moment Aofr ward sv
conkfved aloft thesr vfrrofndsngv and whA theA are hereT uhe nePt, theA are devcrslsng
Aof wsth wordv that wof.d maye a vas.or l.fvhT
Hkter worysng there kor kofr monthv, ’ kofnd a waA arofnd thsvT Jsrvt, ’ fndervtood
that there sv a.waAv a goa. lehsnd a.. lehabsorT Vothsng sv eber sdsoxathscT 4o what wav the
 uI5 H/u KJ 5Y5/13H1 H445/u’Y5V544 MR

goa. lehsnd the cfrvev and tantrfmv7 Lontro. and a kee.sng ok sndexendenceT uheve gfAv
who had rfn the wor.d arofnd them sn thesr Aofth were not fved to lesng dexendent
on otherv to meet thesr lavsc needvT 4o sn cfrvsng oft vtap and throwsng tantrfmv, theA
ke.t a venve ok xower, and when the snvf.ted vtap .ekt them a.one, the revsdentv regasned a
kacvsms.e ok that .ovt sndexendenceT uo vo.be thsv, ’ .earned to negotsate wsth the revsdentvT
’nvtead ok vaAsng, :Is, GsmT We—.. le habsng lreaykavt at 0,• ’ wof.d vaA, :Is Gsm wof.d Aof
.sye to habe lreaykavt at 0N or 0NR 7• uheA a.waAv comx.sed and gabe me a conbensent
tsmeT
CA gsbsng them oxtsonv, ’ made them kee. .sye a xart ok the decsvson“maysng xrocevv,
maysng them more amenal.e and eavser to wory wsthT ’ dsd the vame thsng wsth thesr
oftjtv and daA trsxvT ’ wof.d a.waAv gsbe them two or more axxroxrsate oxtsonv to choove
krom, and st wav ebsdent krom the vatsvkactson and xeace on thesr kacev that theA .obed
kee.sng .sye theA were vteersng the whee. ok thesr das.A .skeT

aving Clear Boundaries and Communicating Them

H crstsca. xart ok avvertsbenevv sv ve.k“ynow.edgeT Kn the vfrkace, ve.k“ynow.edge connotev

ynowsng Aofr .syev, dsv.syev, and hollsevT Ioweber, st goev deexer to encomxavv ynowsngN

U 1ofr dea. lreayerv sn a re.atsonvhsx or krsendvhsxT

U Iow mfch tsme Aof are ws..sng to debote to othervT
U uhsngv that are snto.eral.e when done or vasdT
U uhe amofnt ok tsme Aof need kor das.A and weey.A ve.k“careT
U 1ofr ba.fevT
U uhe areav ok .ske Aof need to smxrobe onT

[nowsng thsv he.xv Aof vet concrete lofndarsevT 4o when vomeone ta.yv to or treatv
Aof sn a waA that bso.atev Aofr lofndarsev, Aof 8fscy.A snkorm them av c.ear.A av xovvsl.eT
Wsth lofndarsev, Aof habe to draw them jrm.A lecafve xeox.e ws.. natfra..A trA to go
arofnd or leat them downT Cofndarsev are lorn oft ok ofr ePxersencev and ba.fevT uheA
xrebent alfve, msvfve, and dsvfve lA vsmx.A vaAsng, :uhsv sv where Aof end, and ’ vtartT•
M] ’HV uSIKY4[1

kyths About Assertiveness

6Ath MN 1of H.waAv Iabe to le Hvvertsbe

uhere sv tsme kor eberAthsng, eben xavvsbstAT Whs.e avvertsbenevv sv great movt ok the tsme,
there are certasn vstfatsonv where st sv adbsval.e to le xavvsbe or aggrevvsbeT Jor ePamx.e, st sv
more xrfdent kor a kather whove aftsvtsc chs.d sv habsng an exsvode at the ma.. to le xavvsbe
av he ca.mv the chs.dT H xavvsbe vtA.e sv a.vo lenejcsa. sk Aof are worysng wsth the e.der.A
or dea.sng wsth lalsevT Kn the other hand, an aggrevvsbe manner sv more axxroxrsate sn
comxetstsbe vstfatsonvT Gfvt .sye Aof cannot eat xavta wsth a vxoon, st sv not .ogsca. to adoxt
a xavvsbe vtA.e sn comxetstsbe vstfatsonv .sye war or when .eadsng a rasd

6Ath "N 5Ptrobertv Hre H.waAv Hvvertsbe Whs.e ’ntrobertv Hre -avvsbe
uhsv mAth vtemv krom the ka.ve le.sek that sntrobertv are tsmsd and latt.e .ow ve.k“ev“
teemT ’ntrobervson sv not xavvsbstAT Hn sntrobert sv vsmx.A vomeone who sv 8fscy.A eP“
hafvted lA vocsa. vtsmf.atson and needv sntermsttent xersodv ok svo.atson to rechargeT Kn
the other hand, the ePtrobert sv a good conbervatsona.svt nofrsvhed lA vocsa. ePxovfreT Vo
one hav a monoxo.A on avvertsbenevv and xavvsbstAT ’ habe met 8fset and sntroberted xeox.e
who are 8fscy to avvert themve.bev and resnkorce thesr lofndarsevT Kn the isx vsde, ’ ynow
ePtrobertv who are too agreeal.e, habe waterA lofndarsev, and cannot avvert themve.bev
epectsbe.AT

6Ath RN Hvvertsbenevv sv /fdenevv

/fdenevv sv a vflvet ok aggrevvsbenevvT Hv mentsoned ear.ser, aggrevvsbenevv sv a delate
whs.e avvertsbenevv sv a dsa.ogfeT -eox.e msvtaye avvertsbenevv kor rfdenevv lecafve we .sbe
sn a wor.d that encofragev fv to vfgarcoat ofr wordv and leat arofnd the lfvhT 4o when
an avvertsbe xervon ca.m.A and c.ear.A vaAv, :’ don—t .sye lesng ta.yed to .sye thatT -.eave
don—t do that anAmore,• st mayev xeox.e kee. awywardT ’t sv thsv revf.tant awywardnevv
cafvev them to msvtaye avvertsbenevv kor rfdenevvT uo hea.thA xeox.e, ca.m.A vtatsng and
snvsvtsng on Aofr lofndarsev sv not and ws.. neber le rfdeT

6Ath ]N Hvvertsbenevv 6eanv ’ H.waAv qet What ’ Want

Hvvertsbenevv sv aloft jndsng a msdd.e grofnd where loth xartsev can coePsvt xeace“
kf..AT )0B 4ometsmev, jndsng that msdd.e grofnd ws.. entas. more comxromsve on Aofr
 uI5 H/u KJ 5Y5/13H1 H445/u’Y5V544 M?

vsde and bsce bervaT uhe concext ok avvertsbenevv sv lorn oft ok the fndervtandsng that
loth vetv ok needv are smxortant and need to le metT ’t sv not .sye non“avvertsbenevv that
xrsorstsDev the needv ok the other nesther sv st av ve.jvh av aggrevvsbenevvT

Summary
U Whs.e theA are okten fved snterchangeal.A, xervona.stA and lehabsor are dsperentT
U -ervona.stA cannot le he.xed and sv vet lA adf.thoodT Cehabsor, on the other hand, sv
changeal.eT
U Cehabsor sv lroad.A dsbsded snto xavvsbe!non“avvertsbe, aggrevvsbe, and avvertsbeT
U Von“avvertsbenevv, or xavvsbstA, sv when vomeone convsvtent.A xrsorstsDev the needv ok
the other xervon at the ePxenve ok thesrvT
U Von“avvertsbenevv can le vstfatsona. or genera.T
U qenera. or g.ola. non“avvertsbenevv can .ead to snterna. conisct, xavvsbe“aggrevvsbe“
nevv, and msvtreatment and mansxf.atsonT
U Kber tsme, the xavvsbe xervon can lecome xavvsbe“aggrevvsbe dfe to the accfmf.atson
ok neg.ected needvT
U -avvsbe“aggrevvsbenevv sv an opvhoot ok xavvsbstA and sv okten erroneofv.A de.sneated
av a dsvtsnct lehabsor tAxeT
U ursangf.atson, fndermsnsng, and varcavm are the three xrsmarA vsgnv ok xavvsbe“ag“
grevvsbenevvT
U Hggrevvsbenevv sv the other end ok the vxectrfm and the le.sek that one—v needv are
more smxortant than that ok othervT
U Hggrevvsbenevv can le vstfatsona. or g.ola.T
U Hvvertsbenevv sv the e8fa. ba.fatson ok one—v needv and thove ok othervT
U Hvvertsbenevv sv charactersDed lA conjdent lodA .angfage, revxect and oxennevv to
comxromsve, and c.ear.A commfnscatsng lofndarsevT
U Von“avvertsbenevv sv xerxetfa. vs.ence, aggrevvsbenevv sv a delate, lft avvertsbenevv sv a
dsa.ogfeT
U uhere are tsmev when an aggrevvsbe 2and eben a non“avvertsbe axxroach( sv levtT
U Hvvertsbenevv sv not rfdenevvT
U ’ntrobervson sv not xavvsbstA, and ePtrabervson sv not avvertsbenevvT
U ’ntrobertv can le avvertsbe, and ePtrobertv can le xavvsbeT
U Hvvertsbenevv doevn—t mean Aof a.waAv get Aofr waAT
Mz ’HV uSIKY4[1

W?hat lies at the heart of self-imOrovement success

An unsha:able foundation.D
1of—re ePxoved to .ske—v vtrevvev eberAdaAT Wory, tra c ”amv, ls..v, xo..ftson, s..nevv “ ”fvt
to name a kewT 1of can lfs.d a menta. dekenve vAvtem that ws.. he.x Aof remasn ca.m,
kocfved, and xrodfctsbeT
Fearn xroben re.aPatson techns8fev that Aof can fve anAwhere and anAtsme

Lhange Aofr menta. and emotsona. xatternv fvsng xroben vtexv and techns8fevT

3ebe.ox an attstfde that ws.. drsbe Aof towardv change and achsebementT

woFnload This eBoo: for Ep// hereR

httOR FFF.tinyurl.com mindfulnessgift

 4

Tag You’re it!: Strong

Characteristics of the
Non-Assertive Person

Assertiveness is your ability to act in harmony with your self-esteem without hurting others.
Unknown

As human beings, we are naturally prone to overestimation. The copier at the okce
breads zown, anz suzzenly, our zay is ruinez. The fip oj our javorite zress splits anz
we swear we have the worst lucd in the entire worlz. This tenzency to overestimate or
catastrophife is ojten seen in our assertiveness Mourney. Iany people overestimate how
assertive they are. —t is not uncommon to see a passive person believe they are assertive-or
worse, aggressive. This jaulty beliej mades them shrind jurther into themselves anz beC
come even more passive.
—n the previous Hhapter, we establishez that the nonCassertive person triangulates anz
can sometimes become passiveCaggressive when their neezs start to chode. Nowever, there
are other covert anz overt ways to dnow ij you are being nonCassertive in your personal
anz projessional lije.

1. You are easily manipulated/You attract narcissists

8E —AU TONVSKY1

'veryone loves a yes man because he is always reazy to neglect his own neezs in javor oj
other peopleWs neezs. This is one primary reason nonCassertive people attract manipulators
anz narcissists. Thind oj manipulators anz narcissists as shards. Khards zo not go ajter
healthy “sh or other shards.
They go where the blooz is.
Kimilarly, manipulators anz abusers thrive on emotional wounzs anz vulnerability.
They go ajter bleezing people. As we will see in Hhapter jour, nonCassertiveness usually
stems jrom the scars oj chilzhooz trauma anz jaulty upbringing, mading these guys
prime targets jor manipulators. Bhen you dnow your bounzaries anz are not ajraiz to
communicate anz enjorce them, you become manipulationCprooj anz uninteresting to
an abuser.

2. You Are Resentful

As their neezs are rarely met, the passive person is perpetually resentjul. They resent
themselj jor not azvocating jor their neezs anz others jor not consizering them. This
resentment aRects their seljCimage, causes internal con”ict, anz can leaz to aggression
zown the line. P’eing marriez to ?uth,2 Feter laughs, Pis lide being marriez to a Ktepjorz
wije.2 The men guRaw heartily anz clap each other on the bacd. They dnew what Feter
meant. ?uth was the Pperject wije.2 Khe never saiz no, always let her husbanz have his
way, anz turnez a blinz eye to his in“zelity. ?uth was in the other room “ghting tears as
the men laughez at FeterDs insensitive Modes. The more insulting the remards became, the
harzer it was jor her to holz bacd griej.
Bhat was wrong with her9
Bhy coulznDt she stanz up to him anz leave him lide everyone haz been telling her to
zo9
Khe hatez him jor constantly humiliating her. ’ut worse, she hatez herselj jor conC
zoning it. Two months later, ?uth stabbez Feter in his sleep. They haz arguez the night
bejore. Feter went to bez while ?uth stayez up. Khe haz “nally haz enough. Bhen his
sojt snores “llez the room, she went into the ditchen anz tood out the dnije she usez to
carve the Thandsgiving turdey earlier that zay. Khe stabbez him x8 times. Bhen she was
sure he was zeaz, she callez the police anz turnez herselj in.
 TN' A?T Vq 'S'?1:A1 AKK'?T—S'U'KK 80

3. You Are Overwhelmed

Accorzing to the worlz health organifation, the stress people gain jrom long hours anz
being overloazez by tasds at word contribute to the increasing number oj health problems
worders e;perience, lide getting sicd more ojten anz eventually Guitting their Mob. Bhen
you say yes to everything anz everyone, you say no to yourselj, your health, your personal
goals, anz the things that truly matter.
As the nonCassertive person has watery bounzaries anz a vague izea oj what he can
anz cannot hanzle at any point, he tades on too many responsibilities. This is why
nonCassertive people are ojten overwordez, burnt out, anz unprozuctive. They tade on
tasds they have no business zoing. Bhen they “nish these size tasds, they are too tirez
anz overwhelmez to word on their tasds or connect meaningjully with their lovez ones.
The zrive theory oj motivation stipulates that we are motivatez to zo things because it
satis“es our neezs, eases tension in our bozy, anz deeps everything in balance, but when
we commit too much, our bozyDs harmony is aRectez, anz our motivation to zo things
wanes. Ko ij you are jeeling overwhelmez anz “nzing it harz to jocus, try saying no more
ojten.

4. The Quality of Your Work is Reducing

There is a simple rule with cade icing7 how thin or thicd your icing enzs up becoming
zepenzs on how jar you spreaz it. —j you what a “ner but thinner layer oj icing, you have
to spreaz the buttercream mi; thoroughly. Bhile spreazing e;tensively may be a gooz
approach to icing a cade, it is not ekcient in time management. Ktretching yourselj thin
aRects the integrity oj your word. —j you notice you “nz it harz to concentrate on simple
tasds or have been receiving more complaints on zeliverez assignments, chances are you
are stressez-anz it is probably because you have been accepting way more than you can
hanzle in your personal anz projessional lije. —j this is you, this woulz be a great time to
assess your commitments anz cut oR unnecessary tasds.

5. You Never Have Time

x% —AU TONVSKY1

:o you always jeel busy9

Are you ojten so busy that your appointments sometimes clash9
Are you usually so busy that you “nz it harz to made time jor essential things lide
eating, resting, anz spenzing Guality time with your immeziate jamily9
—j your answer is yes, then you are probably not assertive enough. —n his bood The
Keven Nabits oj Nighly 'Rective Feople, Kteven Hovey states a universal truth7 we cannot
manage timeL we can only manage ourselves. Kometimes, it is not time management that
is the problem. —t is that you have too many things on your plate.
:o you dnow the greatest resource we all have9 —tDs not money, real estate, or even
youthL it is time. Time is important, nonCrenewable, anz ”eeting. Quarz your time
Mealously. ?emember that each time you bite zown on the no anz agree to help a word
colleague lood over a spurCojCtheCmoment size proMect, you are saying no to other personal
commitments you may have. 1ou must learn to say no to zemanzs that stress you anz zo
not contribute to your lije purpose.

6. Your relationships are not honest

Assertiveness is crucial jor a gooz relationship. —t builzs great seljCesteem as you are being
more truthjul to your values anz opinions. The nonCassertive person ojten jeels lide he is
constantly masGuerazing to made other people happy. Bhen their jrienzs tald about how
helpjul they are, the assertive person jeels lide a jrauz. :eep zown, they dnow they wantez
to say no to about (%) oj those reGuests. Onjortunately, because oj the zisease to please,
jear oj abanzonment, or guilt, they say yes even when every “ber oj their being screams
no. Be ojten say yes because we want to impress anz achieve something. Nowever, none
oj this matters when we compromise who we are. As new opportunities or relationships
arise, we word harz to prove ourselves but when it gets to the point oj us losing ourC
selves, then we shoulz start saying no. There is no opportunity or relationship worth
losing yourselj jor. Nonesty is the bezrocd oj every prosperous anz healthy jrienzship or
relationship. 1our jrienzs may not lide to hear you turn zown their reGuests. Nowever, ij
they truly care about you, they woulz be more hurt to realife you have not always been
honest with them.
 TN' A?T Vq 'S'?1:A1 AKK'?T—S'U'KK x8

7. Take a Baseline Test on Assertiveness

—t is natural jor us to overestimate how assertive we are. This is why it is essential to tade
baseline tests on assertiveness. 3ide KATs anz —/ tests, baseline tests on assertiveness are
stanzarzifez tests that use speci“c inzicators to zetermine how assertive a person is. A
great e;ample woulz be the ?athus Assertiveness Kchezule •?AK zevelopez by Kpencer
?athus in 80( . Fsychologists ojten use it in assertiveness training to monitor anz tracd
changes anz improvements in assertiveness. The scale comprises thirty items scenarios.
:epenzing on the test tader, the scores jor each item coulz range jrom C •or very much
unlide me up to •or very much lide me . Kome oj the test scenarios seen in the ?AK
incluze7
— have hesitatez to made or accept zates because oj Pshyness.2
—j a salesperson has gone to consizerable trouble to show me merchanzise that is not
Guite suitable, — have a zikcult time saying PUo.2
To be honest, people ojten tade azvantage oj me.
There are times when — lood jor a gooz, vigorous argument.
— will hesitate to made phone calls to business establishments anz institutions.
— “nz it embarrassing to return merchanzise.
— ojten zonDt dnow what to say to people — “nz attractive.
— avoiz arguing over prices with clerds anz salespeople.
— ojten have a harz time saying PUo.2
— tenz to bottle up my emotions rather than made a scene.
Bhile some people see the ?AK as outzatez anz heterose;ist, it can help beginners
pinpoint situations where they might “nz it challenging to be assertive. qor e;ample
Ferson A may be able to engage with people they “nz attractive but “nz it harz to turn
zown salespeople. qrom this, person A can injer that they are a. more assertive in private
interactions or b. “nz it harz to say no.

Summary
UonCassertive people attract narcissists anz manipulators as they are always reazy to
neglect their own neezs while catering to the neezs oj others.
As their neezs are rarely met, the passive person is perpetually resentjul. They resent
themselj jor not azvocating jor their neezs, anz others jor not consizering them.
xx —AU TONVSKY1

As the nonCassertive person has watery bounzaries anz a vague izea oj what he
can anz cannot hanzle at any point, he tades on too many responsibilities. This is why
nonCassertive people are ojten overwordez, burnt out, anz unprozuctive.
Ktretching yourselj thin aRects the integrity oj your word. —j you “nz it harz to
concentrate on tasds that were previously easy or have been receiving more complaints on
zeliverez assignments, chances are you are stressez-anz it is probably because you have
been accepting way more than you can hanzle in your personal anz projessional lije.
Kometimes, it is not time management that is the problem. —t is that you have too
many things on your plate. Quarz your time Mealously.
The nonCassertive person ojten jeels lide he is constantly masGuerazing to made other
people happy.
A baseline test on assertiveness is ojten a great way to pinpoint how assertive you are
anz unzer which situations you are lidely to be nonCassertive.
The ?athus Assertiveness Kchezule •?AK is a baseline test on assertion anz is ojten
usez by psychologists in assertiveness training.
 5

A Bouquet of
Wallwores:h WyF We
indI Ht basI to ve
A::estn e

Most of us have a hard time communicating assertively because, in one way or another, we
are afraid.
Nick Wignall

In a cut scene from the movie School for Good and Evil (2022), one of the main
characters, Agatha—a self-sacri“cing w”itchy ”ho ”as trping so hard to convince the
school authorities that her friend, Sobhie ”as a good—”as confronted Lp Dadp .ovep,
the brincibal of the School of GoodT Sobhie and her love interest, ketros had Leen but to
a test to see if thep ”ere meant for each otherT khe test ”ould also determine if Sobhie
”as trulp good liHe Agatha claimedT ’o”ever, Agatha interfered in the test, thus saving
ketrosq and Sobhieqs lifeT
Dadp .ovep ”as, ho”ever, not concerned ”ith Agathaqs meddlingT Saving someone
from a reaber re?uired a great deal of emotion—and Dadp .ovep Hne” ”hat that meantT
Agatha loved ketrosT
w’ave pou told himxq the eOcited Dadp .ovep asHsT
wNf course not,y Agatha shoots LacHT
2P IAU kV’NKSY4

Dadp .ovep smiles encouraginglpT wWerhabs he shares those feelingsxy

Cith a looH of certain disgust, Agatha reblies, wkrust me he doesnqtTy khere is a long,
bainful silenceT
wIqm not Leautiful,y Agatha saps in a voice full of holesT
Dadp .ovep tries to convince Agatha that she reallp is trulp Leautiful Lut the boor girl
doesnqt Lelieve itT It is almost liHe she “nds comfort in that suLterranean bercebtion of
herselfT khe brincibal tells her Binderella thought the same thing ”hen all she needed ”as
a clean dress and a nice bair of shoesT
’obe Llooms in Agathaqs heartT ’er voice is “lled ”ith that hobe as she asHsT wSo pou
can maHe me Leautifulx Meautiful enough to Le lovedxy
Meautiful enough to Le lovedT Det that sinH in for a ”hileT
’ere ”as a girl activelp trping to convince the ”orld that her friend and the man she
loved ”ere meant for each other Lecause she did not feel Leautiful enough to Le lovedT
khis is the same thing ”ith assertivenessT A lot of us settle for comfortaLle bassivitp
Lecause deeb do”n, ”e feel ”e donqt deserve ”hat ”e are asHing forT Mut this is one of
the verp manp reasons ”hp ”e “nd it hard to Le assertiveT
So ”hp do ”e “nd it hard to Le assertivex In the gamLle of reaction, ”hp do ”e settle
into bassivitp time and time againx [arsha [T Dinnehan, American bspchologist and the
Lrain Lehind .ialetical Mehavior kherabp (.Mk), outlines a numLer of mpths that maHe
it challenging to Le assertiveT 9]R

Myth 1: I don’t deserve what I am asking for

Agatha is the emLodiment of this mpthT .ue to an interblap of ubLringing and bersonal
adult eOberiences, a lot of us have come to suLconsciouslp Lelieve ”e do not deserve the
Lasic emotional courtesiesT Ce are surbrised ”hen beoble love us for ”ho ”e reallp are
and resbect our LoundariesT Chpx
Mecause brevious eOberiences have led us to Lelieve ”e are not enough and thus do
not deserve ”hat ”e are asHing forT If this mpth is the main reason Lehind pour non-as-
sertiveness, then it is necessarp to ”orH on pour self-esteemT ’o” pou feel aLout pourself
reFects in ”hat pou allo”T Mp ”orHing on pour self-esteem and coming to terms ”ith pour
”orthiness, assertiveness Lecomes easierT
 k’E A5k Nz EKE54.A4 ASSE5kIKEUESS 2:

Myth 2: Asking for help is weak, pushy or rude

khe subermom spndromeT

khis is the Lelief that pou need to do it all, at once and Lp pourselfT khis mpth comes
”ith a sucH it ub mindsetT Anptime pou ”ant to insist on pour Loundaries or asH for the
most Lasic of needs, pou tell pourself pou are Leing sisspT 4ou Heeb holding feelings in
Lecause pou ”ronglp Lelieve that that is the right and strong thing to doT 4ou al”aps go
the eOtra mile for friends and familp even ”hen pou are running on embtp and reallp need
to Le “lled ubT khe ”ap pou see it, the need to maintain that illusion of al”aps having it
all together, out”eighs admitting pou are stressed and over”helmedT ko get around this
mpth, pou have to unlearn the need to al”aps seem strong all the time and relearn ho”
to asH for helb and for pour Lasic needs to Le metT 4ou also have to let go of the negative
Leliefs pou have aLout asHing for helbT Bontrarp to ”hat a lot of beoble thinH, asHing for
helb does not mean pou are ”eaHT It sho”s pou are strong and ”ise enough to Hno” pou
cannot do it allT
Nur current ”orH spstem is Luilt on asHing for helbT Nrganijations and individuals
outsource tasHs in order to imbrove e/ciencpT Subervisors delegate tasHs to their suLor-
dinatesT Even in leadershib training, pou are made to understand that the greatest leaders
are not the ones that do it all Lp themselves Lut rather the ones that can carrp everpone
along and maHe them feel liHe imbortant barts of the brocessT khis also reminds me of a
?uote Lp kheodore 5oosevelt6
wkhe Lest eOecutive is the one ”ho has sense enough to bicH good men to do ”hat he
”ants done, and self-restraint enough to Heeb from meddling ”ith them ”hile thep do itT
T Ty

Myth 3: I have to know someone will say yes before I ask for
something or if they say no it will kill me

khis barticular mpth stems from the fear of re7ectionT Mefore ”e even assert ourselves
”e thinH of ho” the other berson ”ill resbondT If the chances of them resbonding
negativelp;saping no are higher, ”e decide not to even go through ”ith it in the “rst blaceT
As ”e ”ould see in chabter four, this barticular trait is a trademarH ”ith beoble ”ith lo”
21 IAU kV’NKSY4

self-esteemT khep are so afraid of re7ection that thep re7ect themselves Lefore pou re7ect
themT khe ”ap thep see it, self-re7ection hurts less than re7ection from othersT If this mpth
reFects pour thought brocess, pou have to understand that all pour re?uests ”ill not Le
met ”ith a pes---and thatqs oHT Assertiveness is not all aLout al”aps getting ”hat pou ”antT
It is all aLout negotiation and “nding middle ground or ”ithdra”ing from the situation
if not favoraLle consensus can Le reachedT

Myth 4: If I ask for something or say no, I can’t stand it if

someone gets upset with me

If pou have al”aps Leen a pes man, chances are pouqd “nd assertiveness a”H”ardT
Mut pou Hno” ”hatqs ”orsex
khe beoble closer to pou ”ill “nd it more a”H”ardT As thep are used to pou Leing
bassive and amenaLle, thep ”ill struggle to eOband their bercebtion to include this ne”,
imbroved assertive version of pouT Some of them might get visiLlp disabbointed, o3ended
and even ubset ”hen pou assert pourselfT A lot of beoble give ub at this stage and run LacH
into the bassive comfort joneT Chat pou have to understand is that that a”H”ardness
”alHs hand in hand ”ith negotiation, ”hich is verp vital to pour beace of mind and the
fostering healthp interbersonal relationshibsT

Myth 5: Saying no is sel6sh

khis goes hand in hand ”ith the subermom spndrome and the second mpthT zor beoble
that are overlp embathic or have Leen raised in cultures and religions ”here altruism is
enthroned, saping no can often feel liHe one of the seven deadlp sinsT ’o”ever, pou have
to realije that sometimes saping no can Le an act of mercp to pourselfT
A lot of the times, ”e get so mired ub in trping to brovide and Le there for other beoble
that ”e forget ”e have to eOtend the same courtesies to ourselvesT Saping no to re?uests
”hen pou are “nanciallp, emotionallp, bhpsicallp, sbirituallp and mentallp drained is not
sel“shT It is simblp pou saping, wthep matter Lut I matter tooTy
 k’E A5k Nz EKE54.A4 ASSE5kIKEUESS 28

Myth T: If I don’t have what I want or need, it doesn’t make a

diGerence

I ”ill Le “neT I al”aps amT khis is the mantra of the self-sacri“ceT 4ou convince pourself
that all pou have to do is to maHe everpone else habbp and “nd 7op in their habbinessT
Chile this is a brettp sentiment, it doesnqt blap out that ”ap in real lifeT Ueeds are called
needs for a reason• thep are necessarp and crucial to our holistic ”ellLeingT And pou can
onlp ignore them for so longT Ignoring pour needs over a long beriod of time can result
in mental health disturLances liHe debression, anhedonia, anOietp and sometimes suicide
ideationT

Fhe Pender Bactor

[en and ”omen are socialijed di3erentlpT Studies sho” that LaLp Lops receive less cuddles
than their female counterbarts and are taught to wsucH it uby ”hen thep crp ”hile girls
are consoledT khis di3erence in socialijation continues as thep gro” and accounts for the
di3erence in tops, brofessions, etcT that the di3erent genders tend to”ardT In the midst
of all this is the realitp that di3erent genders are re”arded di3erentlp for Leing assertiveT
Chile some might maHe the case that ”omen are Liologicallp ”ired to Le agreeaLle as that
maHes them Letter ”ith handling children, the truth is that the average ”oman does not
interact ”ith others the ”ap thep interact ”ith their childT khep donqt ”ant to coo and
blap ”ith other adults in the same ”ap thep do ”ith children, neither do thep feel a “erce
urge to brotect ”hen thep see other adultsT khus, it is “tting to surmise that JT) Comen
are more liHelp to Le situationallp bassive 2T) In times ”hen ”omen are gloLallp bassive,
the reason is more social than LiologicalT
In di3erent social, cultural and even religious settings, men are re”arded and encour-
aged ”hen thep are assertiveT Ad7ectives liHe wcon“dent,y wself-assured,y wbo”erful,y and
win controly are rightlp used to descriLe assertive menT 9J0, JJR , Nn the other hand,
”omen are (mostlp) bunished and rebrimanded ”hen thep are assertiveT Ad7ectives liHe
wbushp,y wLitchp,y wcattp,y wunreasonaLle,y waggressivey and wLosspy are used to descriLe
an assertive ”omanT 9J2, J'R khe di3erent eObectations that societp has for men and
”omen in terms of assertiveness a3ects ho” the t”o groubs interact ”ith the ”orld
around themT zor eOamble6
2 IAU kV’NKSY4

[en tend to initiate more and Le more assertive and communicative in class and buL-
lic settingsT khep are more direct and interrubt more in groubs than ”omenT Bonverselp,
”omen tend to Le more assertive in brivate interbersonal settingsT 9JPR
Nn average, ”omen maHe less amLitious outcomes and get ”orse results than men on
the Largaining taLleT
In general, men are more reticent in dating settings than ”omenT 9J:R
Comen overestimate ho” assertive thep are Leing and generallp thinH thep are Leing
aggressive Lp saping no and stating their needsT 9J1R
According a studp Lp the Eurobean ournal of CorH and Nrganijational Wspchologp,
”omen ”ho ”ere berceived as nice Lecause of their bassive Lehavior had the lo”est
salaries—even lo”er than their bassive male counterbartsT 9J8R
In another studp Lp the American Wspchological Association, [en reborted Leing
more outsboHen ”hen stating obinions and readilp taHing the initiative in social contacts
”ith memLers of the obbosite seOT Comen, on the other hand, reborted themselves as
more assertive in eObressing love, a3ection, and combliments, as ”ell as eObressing anger
to one s barentsT 9J R
Chen ”omen act more assertivelp, thep Lreach feminine stereotpbes and su3er a
liHeaLilitp benaltp that, in turn, limits their brofessional successT 9J]R
Chile assertive moves liHe asHing for a raise, challenging the status ?uo and sbeaHing
ub aLout their needs map helb a male emblopee get ahead, thanHs to the assertiveness
LacHlash, female emblopees are laLelled as wrudey and wuncooberativey ”hen thep do the
sameT

Fhe Rersonal ill of Assertive ights

khe Lest and most e3ective ”ap of getting rid of a Lad haLit or negative mindset is to
reblace it ”ith a bositive and adabtive haLit and mindsetT In this chabter, ”e have looHed
at some mpths and Leliefs that maHe it hard for us to Le more assertiveT ’o”ever, to
e3ectivelp eliminate these maladabtive mpths, there is a need to reblace them ”ith a ne”
set of LeliefsT
Generallp, the bassive berson feels unembo”ered and disembo”eredT khep donqt Le-
lieve thep have the right to state their needs or stap noT khep let themselves Le carried along
 k’E A5k Nz EKE54.A4 ASSE5kIKEUESS 2]

Lp things and are grateful for those rare times ”hen their needs intersects ”ith the needs
of the other bersonT And thatqs a verp sad and uncomfortaLle ”ap to liveT
Assertiveness starts “rst ”ith a mindset changeT After 7ettisoning the negative Leliefs
”e have aLout asHing for helb, saping no, etcT, it is necessarp to recaliLrate our values and
reblace these maladabtive Leliefs ”ith bositive onesT ko do this, ”e need a bersonal Lill of
assertive rightsT khe Lill of rights ”ill serve as a combass, guiding pour interactions ”ith
beoble and reminding pou of pour right to Le assertiveT Melo” is pour bersonal Lill of
assertive rights6
I have the tight to asH for ”hat I ”ant
I have the right to sap no to re?uests that I canqt meet
I have the right to eObress all of mp feelings, bositive or negative
I have the right to change mp mind
I have the right to asH for helb
I have the right to determine mp o”n briorities
I have the right to follo” mp o”n values and standards
I have the right to not Le resbonsiLle for others Lehaviors, actions, feelings or broL-
lems
I have the right to Le angrp at someone I love
I have the right to resbect beobleqs choices and decisions and act accordinglp ”hen
those choices donqt Lene“t me
I have the right to not give reasons and eOcuses for mp Lehavior and choices
I have the right to eObect honestp from others
I have the right to Le honest aLout mp feelings
I have the right to brotect mp mental, emotional, “nancial, sbiritual and bhpsical
”ell-LeingT
I have the right to Le in a non-aLusive environment
I have the right to have mp needs and ”ants resbected Lp others
I have the right to Le treated ”ith dignitp and resbect
I have the right to Le habbp
I have the right to re?uest or refuse a favor
I have the right to right a ”rong and Le treated ”ith dignitp and resbectT
khis is Lp no means an eOhaustive listT zeel free to increase the list ”ith sbeci“c assertive
traits pou struggle ”ithT Crite some of these rights on bost-it notes and sticH it on pour
'0 IAU kV’NKSY4

mirror, car dashLoard or headLoardT 5ead them everp dap and let their imbort sinH into
pour LonesT

Summary

A lot of us settle for comfortaLle bassivitp Lecause deeb do”n, ”e feel ”e donqt deserve
”hat ”e are asHing forT
Nne of the mpths that can brevent us from Leing assertive is the Lelief that asHing for
helb or voicing needs maHes us seem ”eaH, bushp or rude
khe fear of re7ection can also maHe us less liHelp to Le assertiveT khe thought that
thepqd sap no cribbles us and maHes us not voice our needs in the “rst blaceT
khe Lelief that saping no is sel“sh can also maHe us remain non-assertiveT
Uon-assertive beoble also Lelieve that thep ”ill Le “ne even if their needs are not metT
’o”ever, overtime, having our needs relegated to the LacHground can do damage to our
sense of self-”orth and can even result in mental health issues liHe debression, anOietp,
anhedonia (life numLness) and even suicide ideationT
[en and ”omen are re”arded di3erentlp for Leing assertive, ”ith men Leing idolijed
and braised for it and ”omen Leing shamed and rebrimanded for Leing assertiveT
Comen are generallp more assertive in brivate interbersonal settingsT [en, on the
other hand, are more assertive in buLlic interbersonal settingsT
khe bersonal Lill of rights serves as a combass, guiding pour interactions ”ith beoble
and reminding pou of pour right to Le assertiveT
 6

The Little League:

Different Types of
Non-Assertive People

You’re the master of your fate and the captain of your soul.
William Ernest Henley (in Invictus)

Choices are the most beautiful aspect of life. From the moment we are born until
we die, we are constantly making choices. Some of these choices may have no severe
implications on our lives, while others may determine our survival.
A mother has to choose between having a child or not. A young child has to choose
between playing with LEGOs or coloring.
Teenagers must choose between attending a local college or one many states away. The
list is endless.
Amid this long list of choices is the choice to be assertive or non-assertive. Yes, non-as-
sertiveness is a choice. Each time people speak rudely to you, make unnecessary demands
of you and your time or order you around, you are consciously or unconsciously choosing
to let them do so. You might be thinking: “But Ian, she’s my boss! I know she can be a pain,
but I need this job. I had no choice.” This is what I like to call the Myth of No Choice.
While there are situations where it’ll be genuinely unwise to be assertive, assertiveness is
an option we should endeavor to choose as often as possible throughout the day and over
the course of our lives.
32 IAN TUHOVSKY

There are many reasons why people default to or choose to be non-assertive. On the
surface, it might look like they are trying to keep their job or get the meeting to end
quickly. However, beneath the surface, being non-assertive often has to do with needing
and being starved of love, acceptance, and validation, needing to be liked or thought of
as kind, etc. For clarity, I have divided these needs into distinct personalities. I will also
touch on how to conquer each of these personalities, and keep in mind that it is possible
to have two or more of them. However, in my experience, people tend to display one of
these personalities more Percely than the others.

People Pleasing Penny

Meet ‘enny. She is a people pleaser. ‘enny su?ers from the disease to please and has an
all-consuming desire to be liked. She takes pride in being the znice one’ in her friend group.
You know the saying, “a friend in need is a friend indeed”R That’s ‘enny. She cancels
plans she made weeks ago because a friend desperately needs someone to babysit, and she
loans “rent money” to her spendthrift friend for the third time this month. ‘enny is a
thoughtful and present friend, isn’t sheR
Wrong.
‘enny is friends with everyone except the person that truly matters: herself. On the
rare times that she has to turn down a request, the pain she feels is almost physical. Her
palms sweat, and her heart beats a tattoo on her chest. For ‘enny, saying no feels like the
end of the world. She worries the other person wouldn’t want to be friends anymore.
Unlike her brief and almost instant yeses, her “no’s” are dragged out, winding, and full of
explanations.
As a child, ‘enny discovered that the easiest way to be in her parents’ good graces was
by service and saying yes even when she wanted to say no. Years later, ‘enny is still saying
yes even when she is exhausted and wants to say no.
‘enny needs to realiDe that people’s demands are as limitless as air, and it is up to her
to draw Prm boundaries on how much of herself and her resources she is willing to part
with. ‘eople will keep coming back because she is nice and “generous.” Without those
boundaries, they will take everything until there is nothing left of ‘enny.
 THE A$T OF EVE$Y8AY ASSE$TIVENESS 33

If you are like ‘enny, you need to understand that saying yes doesn’t necessarily mean
you are a good person, especially in cases where the other person is being irresponsible.
Sometimes, saying no, no matter how di0cult, is the greatest act of kindness.

Steps to Overcoming the Disease to Please

Intention First, Action Later

Oftentimes, people like ‘enny act Prst and think later. They say yes to a request before
the other person completes the sentence. With them, saying yes is almost a knee-jerk
reaction. As a people pleaser, the best tool in your arsenal is the pause. Wait for them to
make the request, then pause and breathe. When that automatic “yes” response comes to
mind, examine why you want to say yes:
Are you about to loan your best bud 4J—— because you want to help out or because you
are afraid they might be mad and not want to be friends anymoreR
Are you really thinking of the kids when you cancel your doctor’s appointment to
babysit your cousin’s children, or are you scared of hearing the disappointment in your
cousin’s voiceR
‘robing and honestly assessing the intention behind her choices will enable ‘enny to
make better decisions and say no to demands that violate her boundaries.

Get Comfortable Disappointing People

For the people pleaser, disappointing people is scary. They see this disappointment as
clearly as a skid-marks on tighty-whities and it hurts them. However, the truth is that
at di?erent points in life, you will disappoint people and that is ok. In the words of
Oprah Winfrey, “You cannot live a brave life without disappointing people.” Even the
most understanding of people feel disappointed when their request is met with a no. This
doesn’t mean you are a bad person or that they hate you. They are just sad or frustrated
that things didn’t work out. They are disappointed at the situation, not in you as a person.
Bearing this distinction in mind makes it easy to say no to requests that do not serve you.

True Friends Always Stay

35 IAN TUHOVSKY

I like to think of true friends like the shore. No matter how many times the tides of life
wash over it, it never shifts. It is present, steady, and enduring. Like shells, false friends
come and go but true friends stay despite your no’s and boundaries. Healthy friends
understand your boundaries and respect them. Sure, they will feel disappointed when
you say no. However, they understand your no was to the request, not to the friendship.
Opportunists, on the other hand, would guilt you for saying no and might even withdraw
a?ection, attention, and their presence. But that’s not really a loss now, is itR

Codependent Cole

Meet Cole. He is empathic, kind, and thoughtful. ;ust like ‘enny, he is a friend indeed and
never thinks twice about helping out. However, while ‘enny needs to be liked, Cole needs
to feel needed. Cole is an empath and feels other people’s pain as much6or even more
than6as they do. This is why he is willing to help even if it means giving away parts of
himself. Cole has what I like to call the Caretaker Syndrome. It a?ects him on a di?erent
level to see people su?ering. If there is a Pre, there is always a Cole rushing in to save the
day. The problem is that in their haste to help, they often forget to protect themselves.
As a child, Cole always felt out of control. His needs were never met. He learned early
in life that if he wanted something done, he had to do it himself. Mom and 8ad weren’t
in a good place mentally and emotionally, so Cole had to grow up real quick. He became a
surrogate parent to his siblings, and in a way, to his parents. On the surface, Cole is whole
and happy. However, he sees the helpless and uncared for child he was in every struggling
person he meets. So in helping others, Cole unconsciously and subconsciously believes
he is helping the child he was.
Cole’s upbringing conditioned him to put his needs last. However, he doesn’t mind,
as being a problem solver gives him a sense of control. Even if things don’t work out or he
fails to deliver, he still feels a sense of relief knowing he is not outsourcing the “caring and
problem-solving” to someone who may neglect it the way his parents did with him.

Steps to Overcoming the Cole Fever

It’s an Inside Job

 THE A$T OF EVE$Y8AY ASSE$TIVENESS 3(

As mentioned earlier, codependents feel internal peace by controlling factors in their

external environment. This is a terrible approach, as external factors will almost always
be out of your control. You have to develop a strong internal thermostat and learn to
separate other people’s struggles from yours. You can empathiDe while distancing yourself
from their experience, especially in situations where helping wouldn’t be a feasible option.
Saying no to demanding requests doesn’t mean you are rejecting the child you used to be.
Saying no to demanding requests is simply saying yes to your current self and your holistic
wellbeing.

Probe Your Intentions

Like ‘enny, you have to get to the root of your yeses. Why do you want to help this
personR Are you doing it because you really want to help or because you feel like you have
to do itR
If you feel yourself going into Pght or )ight for a problem that is not even yours, then
you are going o? of a wound. You have to pause and ask yourself some questions before
taking a decision. Why are you doing this, and do you have to do itR
8oes the situation involve youR
Are you Plled up enough to help, or are you running on emptyR
Is it right for you to act, and would you acting be fair to all concerned, including
yourselfR
Why are the questions and pause importantR Because human beings are very reactive
creatures. Every interaction we have is like a match that strikes a speciPc emotion in our
psyche. Someone tells a joke and we laugh. The joke becomes rude and our laughter
curdles into disgust. The pause is a bit like dousing a matchbox with water7 it makes us
less reactive or non-reactive.
Non-reactivity is the ability to mentally and sometimes physically step away from situ-
ations, thus not letting them get the best of you. It is an e?ective tool in conquering code-
pendency. By pausing, you have more time to assess the situation. By asking questions,
you determine whether participating or helping adds or detracts from your well-being. If
you do decide to put yourself Prst and not get entangled, your old programming will PDD,
and you might Pnd yourself thinking you are selPsh. In times like this, it pays to think of
no’s as credit. Each time you say no, you are building your emotional credit and preparing
for times when you are truly and fully able to say yes without jeopardiDing your mental,
emotional, and physical wellbeing.
3X IAN TUHOVSKY

Self-Focus and Adaptive Thinking

For Cole, benching his needs is almost a lifestyle at this point. No thanks to his
emotional wounds, he believes he is helping his young self each time he helps other people.
However, just like his parents, he is neglecting his grown self each time he takes on more
than he can handle. If you are like Cole, learn to focus on yourself. There is an Igbo
proverb that says, “None of us came into the world carrying other people on our backs.”
This simply means that life is an intensely personal a?air and should be centered on the
self. Whatever you give people should be the excesses that you can do without. Whenever
the oxygen levels in plane cabins plummet, people are advised to Prst Pt their own masks
before helping their children, friends, lovers, etc. with theirs. This goes to show how
important the self is.
Another clear example of the primacy of self is seen in lifeguard training. The lifeguard
is trained to help the drowning person stay calm and take instruction so they can both
make it back to safety. And there are precautions lifeguard must take to make ensure the
two of them Zlifeguard and drowning person9 make it out safely. But alas, if the drowning
person is hysteric and not complying with instructions, the lifeguard has no choice but to
save themselves over the victim. Better one casualty than two. Be it on a plane, in the sea
or in everyday life, you are the most important person in the equation. Every other person
would be Pne with or without you. You cannot be everything for everyone. Take care of
yourself.
8isclaimer: While Codependent Cole is an empath, it is pertinent to know that not all
empaths are codependent and not all codependents are empaths.

Low Self-Esteem Steve

Everyone knows a Steve. Oftentimes, Steve is a talented, creative, productive, and focused
individual. He crushes his goals and is a genius at what he does. Unfortunately, he has
a subterranean self-esteem and struggles with self-doubt and imposter syndrome. While
many people may admit to being a ‘eople ‘leasing ‘enny or even a Codependent Cole,
very few people agree to being Steve.
WhyR
 THE A$T OF EVE$Y8AY ASSE$TIVENESS 31

Because we have a very clear mental picture of what low self-esteem looks like. Think
teenage acne, buck teeth, thick rimmed glasses and never establishing eye contact. While
this is the picture the media and Hollywood often paints of low self-esteem, in the real
adult world where Steve resides, low self-esteem can manifest in a subtler manner.
So how do you know if you’re a SteveR
8o you struggle to accept complimentsR If your instinctive reply to “Oh your abs look
great!” is “You should see it after I eat!” then you probably are a Steve.
8o you constantly worry about your ability to deliver on speciPc tasks even when track
record shows you are damn good at what you doR Yup, you are dePnitely a Steve.
To be fair, the average human being struggles with self-doubt every now and then.
However, what separates Steve from the rest of us is that with him, self-doubt is a way
of life. So how does this self-doubt and lack of self-esteem a?ect Steve’s assertivenessR As
he doesn’t know what he is worth and constantly doubts his abilities, Steve rarely asks or
goes after what he wants. He sticks with the demanding, poor-paying job because he is
scared he doesn’t have what it takes to do the six Pgure job, even when both literally have
the same job description. He constantly undersells and undervalues his skills because he
doesn’t believe they are special. Steve is too timid to ask for a raise. The way he sees it,
raises mean more responsibility and higher expectations. While he is comfortable with
more responsibility, he is worried he wouldn’t be able to meet up with the demands of
the new position. So he sticks to comfort and underpaid familiarity.

Steps to Conquering Steve

Learn to Accept Compliments

Unlike ‘enny, who rejects compliments in order to seem humble, the main reason Low
Self-Esteem Steve rejects compliments is because he does not feel worthy of them. Each
time he receives a compliment, he goes into panic mode. “Sure, they might like •Y about
me,” he thinks, “but what if they Pnd out I’m terrible in other areasR” Steve constantly
feels like an impostor and worries he would one day be found out each time he receives a
compliment.
While incidences in childhood may result in an inability to accept compliments,
New-York based Social Worker, Lisa Schuman, attributes this phenomenon to our ances-
3J IAN TUHOVSKY

tors and the unique brain wiring they passed down to us. To protect it and its host from
harm, our brains and bodies are always quick to spot out negatives in our environment.
This pessimistic trait helped our ancestors survive predatorial attacks, avoid eating poiso-
nous plants, etc. While this trait6of seeing the negatives6can be immensely helpful in
navigating unique social situations, it makes us unlikable. It is exhausting complimenting
someone that dilutes compliments with excuses. 8o it often enough and people stop
complimenting you all together. The best response to a compliment is a smile and a thank
you.
No buts after the thank you.
No diluting the compliments with excuses.
No mumbling and Pdgeting.
;ust a smile and a “Thank you.”
When you receive a compliment, pause. Bite down on that retort and mentally assess
the compliment. Let’s imagine they said, “Gosh, I love your hair!” Sure, your hair might
friDD up at the slightest humidity. However, the truth remains that now, in this moment,
your hair looks great. So smile and say thank you.

Positive Self-Talk
Contrary to what people think, low self-esteem is not something that is constant.
The internal world of the average Low Self-Esteem Steve is a capricious landscape Plled
with diDDying highs and depressing lows. Some days they feel like the next best thing
after buttermilk and on other days, they cannot think of a positive adjective to describe
themselves with.
However, one thing that remains constant is the negative self-talk. Negative self-talk
comes in di?erent waves and strokes. It could be as stark as calling yourself “Ugly”
when you catch your re)ection in a mirror or as simple as laughingly saying, “I am so
stupid!” when you make a mistake. Words are potent. They bear and transmit positive
and negative energy. Your words, whether spoken or thought, slowly become your reality.
Water yourself with kind words. Yes, you make mistakes but that doesn’t mean you are
stupid. Learn to distinguish between who you are and the situations you Pnd yourself in.
You might be having a bad day and may not look your best but that doesn’t mean you are
unattractive.
The fastest way to develop a positive internal self-talk is to imagine your Pve-year-old
self every time you want to say something about yourself. This helps you cultivate a strong
 THE A$T OF EVE$Y8AY ASSE$TIVENESS 3/

sense of self empathy and makes it easier to approach your mistakes and failings from a
place of kindness.

Accept Now, Panic Later

Low self-esteem walks hand in hand with self-doubt. You see a job opportunity online.
You want to click on “apply,” and then the panicking starts.
What if I don’t impressR
What’s the point of applying, I probably won’t get in.
I mean, come on! Everyone that works here probably studied at some fancy-schmancy
Ivy League school. Who am I to think I have a chanceR
This process usually ends with you rejecting the opportunity and sticking to the
familiar. I used to be like this. My battle with self-doubt was epic. I said no to myself
frequently. It was a defense mechanism: say no Prst. That way, it won’t hurt when they
say it to you.
However, what I learned is that in life, you will get many no’s but none of those should
come from you. So instead of panicking Prst and saying no later, I hacked the system
and said yes6to myself and every intimidating opportunity6before panicking. It was
terrifying. I would apply for jobs I felt I had no right applying to and when I got the
conPrmation of application receipt, I gave myself the permission to panic.
It worked like magic.
When some rejections came, I am ashamed to admit I felt relieved. Those rejections
rea0rmed what I believed about myself and gave me the permission to remain in my small
pond of comfort. However, while the successful ones triggered micro moments of panic
and imposter syndrome, they also gave me macro moments of happiness and excitement.
I felt like I could conquer the world and it showed in my work. The more I put myself
out there, the more success I got and the better my work became. It was a feedback loop
of positivity. So don’t close that job or school application tab. Apply and panic later.

Agreeable Agnes

Meet Agreeable Agnes. Agnes is a peacemaker and is also known as Avoidant Avery due
to her penchant for avoiding con)ict. This group of people Pnd con)ict so discomforting
that they’d apologiDe even when they’re not wrong, just to avoid con)ict. Agnes is a go
5— IAN TUHOVSKY

with the )ow kind of person, not because she is naturally relaxed but because she always
gives in to other people’s demands just for peace to reign. This quality of hers makes her
great with kids but also makes it easy for people to take advantage of her.
While agreeableness is a great quality to have, like everything else in life, too much of
it erodes personality and makes a person seem timid and uninteresting. It reminds me of
that epic scene in Coming to America Z /JJ9 where ‘rincess Imani IDDi ZBell Calloway9
responds to all of ‘rince Akeem’s questions with “Whatever you like.”

‘rincess Imani: Ever since I was born, I was trained to serve you.
‘rince Akeem: Yes I know this, but I would like to know about you. What would you
like to doR
‘rincess Imani: Zbows9 Whatever you like.
‘rince Akeem: What kind of music do you likeR
‘rincess Imani: Zbows9 Whatever kind of music you like.
‘rince Akeem: Look, I know what I like. And I know you know what I like because
you were trained to know what I like but I would like to know what you like. For instance,
do you have a favorite foodR
‘rincess Imani: Yes.
‘rince Akeem: Zexcited9 Good! What is your favorite foodR
‘rincess Imani: Zbows9 Whatever food you like.

When he sees she will always do what he demands, ‘rince Akeem gets her to bark like a
dog and hop on one foot out of the room. In theory, being extremely agreeable may seem
like a great quality to have in a friend or partner. However, in reality, it is a quality that
appeals only to manipulators.
On the surface, Agnes is a kind, warm and easygoing person. However, the truth is
she is afraid of confrontation and sees avoiding con)ict as an act of kindness. Back in
college, I used to have a girlfriend that was an Agreeable Agnes. As an individual, she
was interesting and extremely creative. However, when thrust into group settings or faced
with minor situations of con)ict, her Prst instinct was to go with the )ow. She would agree
to have piDDa even when she wanted Chinese just for peace to reign and would take on my
own hobbies6that she didn’t even like6just to avoid con)ict. While she was generally a
great person, she had a problem with tardiness. On the many times she was late for dates
 THE A$T OF EVE$Y8AY ASSE$TIVENESS 5

and appointments, she would act as if everything was Pne, just to avoid the con)ict and
awkwardness that came with admitting she was late.
8id she feel terrible about being lateR Yes.
8id she try to work on itR Yes.
However, because she did not want to disappoint or confront the other person’s
annoyance, she always tried to act like everything was just peachy whenever she was late.
This particular trait greatly a?ected the relationship.
Another key characteristic of this personality is over apologiDing. To ignite a statement,
they apologiDe and before the discussion is over you have lost count of how many times
they have said they’re sorry. With this group of people, apologies seem to be an expression
of regret for their entire existence. They apologiDe for things they did and those they didn’t
do, for their feelings and opinions, for things outside their control and for just taking
up space in the world. Like origami, they fold and become smaller with each apology.
8i?erent things can cause this trait. It could be:
A method of self-moderation, helping a person collect their thoughts before actually
speaking.
A symptom of trauma6and sometimes, codependency.
A sign of poor boundaries, enmeshment, and a soul-crushing need to avoid con)ict
even at the expensive costs of repressing one’s true feelings.
A pointer to a violent and abusive childhood. As humans, we have four distinct
trauma responses: Pght, )ight, freeDe, and fawn. With the fawn response, you )atter or
apologiDe to the threat to regain feelings of safety. Children raised in abusive homes learn
quickly that incessantly apologiDing to an abusive parent is a surePre way of bringing the
abuser back to calm normalcy.

Whatever the reason behind it, over apologiDing is a terrible trait. It makes you seem
less conPdent, reduces the impact of what you are about to say, and dilutes the potency
of necessary apologies.

Steps to Conquering Agreeable Agnes

Get comfortable with con ict

52 IAN TUHOVSKY

Con)ict is a normal and essential aspect of life. Where two or more people with
di?erent needs and wants are gathered, there is certain to be con)ict hovering nearby.
We see con)ict between siblings Pghting over the choice of TV channels, friends arguing
over the best football clubs, and partners trying to decide on whether to have Italian or
Chinese. 8oes this mean these groups of people hate each otherR No. Con)ict is just
friction that arises when di?erent textures of needs and wants come in contact.
As an Agreeable Agnes, you have to understand that the resultant con)ict is natural and
even encouraged. My grandmother often said that if you have a friend with whom you’ve
never disagreed with, then the two of you do not truly know each other. With con)ict,
you can either be a.9 passive and let them have their way or b.9 assertive by bringing your
own needs to the table and trying to Pnd a middle. The second option is not only better
for the relationship in the long run but is also great for your self-esteem and sense of self.

Don’t con ate kindness and avoidance

A primary reason why the Agreeable Agnes persists in her agreeableness is because she
con)ates being extremely agreeable with being kind. As she doesn’t want to be termed a
nag, she smiles away her wants and needs. Each time she acquiesces to yet another demand
she can do without, she tells herself she is being nice. Think of it this way: each time you
avoid confrontation and say yes to demands that drain you, you are:
a. Being dishonest with yourself, the other person, and the relationship in general.
b. Being unkind to yourself.
c. 8enying the other person the chance to really get to know you.
d. 8enying yourself an opportunity to grow, as con)ict encourages growth.
So being assertive, negotiating con)ict situations, and standing up for yourself is an act
of self and other-directed kindness.

Notice and swap

In English, the word “that” is often referred to as a Pller word. Most sentences can
stand without it and make sense. Take the sentence “I was told that she was married” for
example. If we delete the word “that,” the sentence still makes sense and is tighter and
more direct. In the same vein, “I am sorry” is a Pller phrase. Without it, your sentences are
more direct and conPdent. To stop over apologiDing, you have to Prst notice when, why,
and with whom you over apologiDe.
8o you over apologiDe when you are stressed and anxious, or do you do it all the timeR
 THE A$T OF EVE$Y8AY ASSE$TIVENESS 53

8o you do it so people will think you are humble and easygoing or because you feel you
would be attacked if you don’tR
8o you do it with everyone or speciPc people, especially those who may hold more
power than you Zbosses, supervisors, leaders etc.9R
Figuring out the “why, when, and who” of the problem will prepare you for those
situations and help you respond more conPdently. The second step is to swap “I am sorry”
for its more conPdent counterparts. You can decide to:
A. ;ust remove “I am sorry.”
B. Swap with more conPdent-sounding derivatives.

For example, instead of saying, “I am sorry, I have a question,” just say, “I have a
question,” or “May I ask a questionR” The Prst makes it seem like you are embarrassed to
ask the question or think your question is going to be silly. On the other hand, the second
pair of statements are direct and sound conPdent. Another great way is to swap apologies
for gratitude. So instead of saying: “I’m sorry if it feels like I’m wasting your time. . .” say
“Thank you for your time.” Below are a few more swaps you can make:
“Sorry to bother you . . .”
“8o you have a momentR” ✔

“Sorry to ask, but . . .”

“Is now a good timeR” ✔

“Sorry, I don’t know how I missed that . . .”

“Oh wow, thank you for pointing that out. What else did you noticeR” ✔

“Sorry if this doesn’t make sense Sorry if this sounds silly . . .”

“Here are my initial thoughts . . .” ✔

“I’m so sorry you have to help me so much.”

“Thank you for your help.” ✔

“I’m so sorry for always complaining.”

“I’m really grateful I can conPde in you. Most people don’t have that.” ✔
55 IAN TUHOVSKY

With apologies, there is a golden rule that every Agreeable Agnes has to keep in mind:
Thou shalt not apologiDe for things you didn’t do, things outside your control, other peo-
ple’s actions, your feelings or appearance, your needs and wants, and for asking questions.

Summary
‘assivity Non-assertiveness is a choice.
Each time you say “yes” to requests that drain you, you say “no” to yourself.
Four groups of people Pnd it hard to be assertive: ‘eople ‘leasing ‘enny, Codepen-
dent Cole, Low Self-Esteem Steve, and Agreeable Agnes.
To conquer ‘eople ‘leasing ‘enny, you have to probe the reason behind each “yes”
you want to say, get comfortable disappointing people, and understand true friends will
not hate you for putting your needs Prst.
The Codependent Cole fever can be cured by focusing on yourself, learning adaptive
thinking, and analyDing the real reason behind each “yes” you want to say.
To conquer Low Self-Esteem Steve, you need to learn to accept compliments, culti-
vate positive self-talk, and take exciting opportunities before panicking.
To conquer Agreeable Agnes, you must get comfortable with con)ict, stop the in-
cessant apologiDing, and stop con)ating kindness with avoidance.
 7

Part 2: The Art of

Everyday Assertiveness
 8

The Basics of
Assertiveness

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

Eleanor Roosevelt

It is easy to talk about assertiveness, its importance, and core beliefs and traumas that
make it hard for us to assert ourselves. However, things get more complicated when we
actually have to practice assertiveness. In the next series of chapters, we will be looking at
the basic things you can do to become more assertive and how to practice assertiveness in
your work, fraternal and romantic relationships.
So what are the basics of assertiveness?

Condcenhe anc tPe woBer ibnc

Assertiveness is an oYshoot of con-dence. Wou cannot be assertive without being con(

-dent. )hen you start learning assertiveness, you can fake it Ccon-denceT. However, at
some point, you have to actually make it. Eon-dence makes you powerful. Rhink of
assertiveness as brokering a deal. Rhe more powerful you are, the more likely the other
person will listen to and consider your needs.
So what exactly is con-dence all about?
Solid eye contact and a -rm handshake?
Ralking without an upswing and standing your ground?
 RHO AFR VD ONOFW4AW ASSOFRINO7OSS —P

Wes, all these are physical subsets of con-dence. However, there is more to con-dence
than these. Eon-dence;and by extension, power;is mainly psychological. ’ower de(
termines your rangez one way to have more power is by having alternatives. Rhis is why
the beautiful and rich are powerful in the dating and economic scenes, respectively. Single
adults with no children, EOVs, and the countryqs citiGens are another group of people
that have immense power due to their stock of options. Vn the jipside, parents, interns,
and migrants have fewer options, making them less powerful in negotiations. )ith fewer
alternatives comes less power, and with less power comes a smaller range of acceptable
behavior.

Figure 1: Range of Acceptable Behavior

Source: How to Stand Up for Yourself by
Adam Galinsky (TEDx Talk)

Wour range is the point at which you get rewarded for acting a certain way. )hen you
step out of that range, there are conseUuences. Ko too strong by shouting at your boss,
for example, and you get punished. Vn the other hand, if you stay in the weak range
and remain docile, you get trampled on, kicked about, and dismissed. Rhe thing about
range, like Kalinsky observed, is that it is jexible. Rhere is nothing like a -xed range. Wour
range widens and contracts with diYerent situations. Wour range of acceptable behavior
in a family or romantic setting is de-nitely wider. Wou can 8oke about and play with
your partner. However, in more formal settings Ce.g., a summit of world leadersT, it is
undeniable that your range reduces.
Eultivating con-dence is extremely important, as it helps you avoid the low(power
double bind. Rhe double bind, often used when discussing gender ineUualities, is a
situation where both doing something and doing nothing provides the same negative
results. Rhis is seen in women living in oppressive societies, where speaking up leads to
punishment, and silence leads to continued suYering.
Rrinity is a very agreeable lady. She is always the -rst to come to work and the last
to leave. If you asked her coworkers and boss to describe Rrinity in three words, theyqd
tell you Rrinity is friendly, dependable, and always ready to help without complaint.
However, they did not know that Rrinity wanted to say no to those reUuests eight times
out of ten. Roday Rrinity is on call with her division supervisor. Her shift ends at — p.m.,
—3 IA7 R1HVNS0W

after which the division supervisor has to handle things until the night staY arrives by :“
p.m. Rrinity is looking forward to going home and relaxing. At ”'”“ p.m., her division
supervisor asks Rrinity to handle some tasks. Rrinity is confused. Rhose tasks are usually
handled at 3 p.m. and not earlier. She lets the supervisor know and she shrugs. 9Rhere is
nothing wrong if we do it earlier this one time. ’lease get on it.5
Rrinity is incensed. She knew 9this one time5 was only happening because everyone felt
she was agreeable. She wanted to speak up but feared sheqd be sanctioned and Uueried.
1nfortunately, doing those tasks;which arenqt hers;would exhaust her, make her leave
late, and generally depress her. Rhis is a perfect example of the low(power double bind.
An excellent way to avoid this power bind is by being con-dent and setting boundaries
early on. Rrinity wouldnBt be in that situation if she were known as an assertive person
and did not commit to unnecessary tasks. She would have been seen as powerful, and her
coworkers and supervisors would have granted her a wider range.

EstaulbsP io.ncarbes y y y EarlG

)hen I was younger, my 7ana randomly gave my cousins and me life advice. Vne that
stuck in my memory was the marriage advice she used to give my sisters and female cousins.
She would shoo the boys away while talking to the girls, but as I was her favorite, sheqd
always let me stay. She told the girls it was best to draw your boundaries in a marriage when
everything was still syrupy(sweet. If you two come back from the honeymoon cruise and
he drops his shirt in the hallway, donqt pick it up. )hile rubbing his hair, sweetly tell him
to pick it up. If he eats and abandons his plates at the table, kiss him and ask him to take
them to the sink. As he is still high on the endorphins that come with love, he would pick
them up and take them away. In her words, by doing this, you are teaching him how to
act and what is and what isnqt acceptable behavior. If you start picking up after him early
in the marriage, then ten years in, when you begin to complain about his strewn clothes
and refuse to pick them up, things fall apart. He wouldnqt realiGe you 8ust got fed up with
picking up after him. Instead, heqd think someone Cprobably your friendsT was giving you
bad advice.
)hile I cannot say if this is perfect marital advice, it teaches an essential lesson on
setting boundaries. In any relationship or interaction, it is always best to draw your
boundaries as soon as you meet the person.
 RHO AFR VD ONOFW4AW ASSOFRINO7OSS —M

If they violate your personal space, check them immediately.

If they say crude things and pass them oY as a 8oke, let them know that is not acceptable.
4o not smile and hope it goes away. It never does. 4o not take on extra tasks the -rst
time and think this will be the end. It never is. Humans like to push limits consciously
and unconsciously. 4raw your boundaries -rmly and early.
Action Step' Rhink of all the relationships you have at the moment. Are there any ones
where boundaries were established early? How are things going in this set of relationships?
Vn the other hand, consider the relationships where -rm boundaries werenqt set early on.
Start to slowly in8ect and assert your boundaries in a way that is non(threatening to the
other person.

Tet bn Wo.hP YbtP No.r Aeecs

Ro draw e2cient boundaries, determine what your needs and necessities for minimal
comfort are. Vver the years, Sarah has observed that she is more productive when she
goes to bed on or before :: p.m. So once it is :“'”“ p.m., Sarah does not pick up any
calls. Here, the need to sleep before ::'““ p.m. is a clear one. Rhis helps Sarah draw a -rm
boundary Cno calls after :“'”“T. In the same vein, in your personal, work, and romantic
relationships, you need to ask yourself hard Uuestions that will help you pinpoint your
needs. Wour needs can be as simple as not wanting to be sent triggering information on
social media or having a friend tell you beforehand if they are going to be late.
Shtbon pte:m Rake a piece of paper or a page in your 8ournal and divide it into four
columns' personal, work, romantic, and friendships. Rake time to think about your
various needs and write them down under each column. Wour column could look like
this'
L“ IA7 R1HVNS0W

Condcent Coxx.nbhatbon

Vnce you have highlighted your needs, the next step is communicating them con-dently.
0eyword' con-dently.
4onqt stutter, stammer, apologiGe or overexplain while communicating your needs.
Avoid the upswing. Rhe upswing is the rising injection at the end of a statement. It makes
you sound hesitant, unsure, and timid. 1se a downswing instead, especially when asking
for favors, making a reUuest, or introducing yourself. It makes you sound con-dent and
assertive. )hen stating your needs, be clear, brief, and direct.
)hile having drinks, Angie tells Sarah about an exciting pro8ect she thinks Sarah
would be interested in. Rhe pro8ect could make them household names in web design if
appropriately handled.
9Iqll call you around midnight and give you the full gist,5 says Angie as she takes a swig
of her drink. 9I swear youqre going to love it.5
Sarah smiles. 9I do not doubt that. $ut could we have the call earlier? Jidnight is too
late for me. I am more productive when I turn in early.5
Here, Sarah communicated her needs clearly and directly and did not try to explain or
apologiGe for having said needs.
Shtbon pte:m ’ractice saying your needs. Jake sure to stick to :(6 sentences and avoid
apologiGing for them or stuttering and stumbling over your words. O.g., 9Eaitlyn, Iqd like
it if you ask my permission before taking my stuY.5

Efaxbne No.r Core ielbeFs

Eore beliefs are the narratives we have of ourselves in relationships to our immediate
environment, the people therein, and the world at large. Vur lives are like a story we are
continuously writing, and we are the main characters. Vur core beliefs are characteristics
we consciously or unconsciously ascribe to ourselves. Oxamining the thoughts triggered
by speci-c situations is a great way to ascertain your core beliefs. Dor example, an attractive
person asks you out, all you can think of is, 9what do they see in me?5 Rhis implies your
core belief is one of inferiority. Rhe good thing about core beliefs is they help us feel and be
grounded when they are positive. However, when they are negative, they become limiting
and prevent us from asserting ourselves, taking healthy risks, and reaching for more. $elow
 RHO AFR VD ONOFW4AW ASSOFRINO7OSS L:

is a table of speci-c thoughts that come up when we have to be assertive, and the core
belief they imply'

Shtbon pte:m After examining the core beliefs that birth these negative self(dialogues,
examine how you act afterward. 4o you keep Uuiet instead of checking that rude friend?
4o you say yes even when you want to say no? 4o you stay out of leadership positions
or avoid challenging but potentially rewarding roles? 4o you repress your emotions and
negatively express them later? 4o you get anxious when you are assertive?

-orx.late AeB ielbeFs

!ife is all about cycles, balance, and replacement. Overy second, someone dies, and a new
life is born to replace them. )hen the frigidity of winter is over, nature blesses us with the
hope and vivacity of spring. In the same vein, you have to formulate a new and adaptive
belief to eliminate a faulty one. !etqs look at some realistic and adaptive beliefs we can
develop when faced with speci-c situations'
L6 IA7 R1HVNS0W

Shtbon pte:m Jake a list of negative core beliefs you have and think of corresponding
adaptive beliefs that can replace them. Oach time the limiting belief comes to mind, drown
it out with the adaptive belief.

Efaxbne No.r pbt.atbonal wassbvbtG

Oarlier on, we established that passivity could be situational or general. )ith situational
passivity, we are passive with some people Ce.g., bosses and authority -gures, acUuain(
tancesT but assertive with other groups Ce.g., family, partners, and friendsT. )hile situa(
tional passivity can be a good thing sometimes, you must examine if you are doing it for
the wrong reasons. Dor example, someone may be passive with their friends and bosses
but assertive with family because it doesnqt hit that core fear of abandonment. Rhe way
they see it, family is forever and will stay no matter what. However, friends may decide to
leave. Drom the example, you can already see that the premise for their situational passivity
is wrong. )hile they might be situationally passive in events that do demand it, the faulty
belief is still a problem and needs to be replaced.
Shtbon pte:m Oxamine why you are situationally passive with some people but not
others. Are your reasons valid or are they born out of faulty beliefs? Are you situationally
assertive on social media because of the anonymity that social media brings? Are you
 RHO AFR VD ONOFW4AW ASSOFRINO7OSS L”

situationally assertive with authority -gures because you are scared or come from a culture
where authority was not Uuestioned? )ere you passive at the meeting because you are
afraid of being wrong or being laughed at? Are you situationally passive with your family
because you believe family should always come -rst, even before self? Are you situationally
passive at work because you do not want to be seen as the o2ce witch or because you have
seen others face negative conseUuences when they tried to do the same thing?

Sssess tPe iest anc YorstOCase phenarbos

Rhe human mind is excellent at many things, and one of those things is catastrophiGing.
EatastrophiGing is the conscious belief that a situation is worse than it is. A catastrophiGer
will think of only the worst(case scenarios when faced with new challenges. If they have
to enter a plane, all they can think about is plane crashes, although studies show that
only :.:M jights out of :““,“““ jights crash. If they start falling in love with someone,
they stop themselves because of the belief that relationships end in heartbreak. Ean you
see the pattern? )ith assertiveness, believing the other person wonqt like you if you say
how you feel is often a prime example of catastrophiGing. Sure, the other person will feel
disappointed, but the likelihood that they would not want to be friends with you is low
to Gero.
Abigail has been friends with Eandace since kindergarten. Rheyqre now in their
mid(twenties, and their friendship is still waxing strong. However, Abigail still -nds it
hard to say no to Eandace. She worries doing so will end the friendship. A couple of days
ago, Eandace asked Abigail to loan her /:L““. Abigail couldnqt. However, she was scared
of saying so. Over the people pleaser, she tried to -nd ways to raise the money to give to
Eandace. She was not successful. 4efeated, she calls Eandace and, after stuttering and
apologiGing, tells her she cannot lend her the money. She waits for the storm to come, for
Eandace to get upset and cut her oY.
9Itqs -ne, babe. I understand.5
Abigail was shocked. ·ust that?
9)ait, you are not angry?5
9)hy would I be angry?5 Eandance was genuinely shocked. 9)hat kind of friend
forces their friend to lend them money when it is inconvenient?5
L— IA7 R1HVNS0W

Rhe only friend that would get upset, cut you oY, or make a fuss of you saying no is a
bad friend. Kood friends understand your noqs and respect them. It is necessary to assess
and de(catastrophiGe your worst(case scenario and realiGe that the worst(case scenario is
often not the most realistic one.
Shtbon pte:m Rhink of why you -nd it hard to say no to speci-c reUuests from speci-c
people. Are the reasons valid, or is your mind exaggerating? 4o these people have a history
of stonewalling or ignoring you when you say no? If yes, keeping them at a distance would
probably be better served.

pee tPe ’tPer wersonVs wobnt oF gbeB y y y

. . . and try to negotiate. Femember how we said assertiveness is about self(advocacy as well
as other(directed advocacy? Ro advocate for the other person, you must see their point
of view and negotiate an agreement where both sets of needs are catered to. In his RO4
Ralk titled, How to Speak Up for Yourself, Adam Kalinsky tells a story highlighting the
importance of perspective(taking. A robber enters a bank and asks everyone to get on
the joor. )himpering, everyone complies. Rhe robber makes his way to the counter and
asks the bank manager to give him /6“““. Rhe bank manager was afraid and trembling.
However, he found it odd that the robber asked for a speci-c amount and a small one
at that. A typical thief would ask for all the money in the safe to be emptied into a bag.
However, this guy 8ust wanted /6“““. Something had to be wrong. As she slowly brought
out the notes, he asked the robber what he needed the money for. Apparently, his friend
was getting evicted, and his rent was /6“““. Felieved, the bank manager replied, 9Vh,
you donqt want to rob a bank. Wou need a loan. Eome into my o2ce, and letqs -ll out
the paperwork.5 As corny as this story sounds, it is an excellent example of the power of
perspective(taking. Rhanks to perspective(taking, the bank manager prevented a robbery
Cher needT and prevent the robberqs friend from being evicted Chis needT.
At this point, it is important to reinforce that assertiveness is not about always being
right or getting your way. Hence, sometimes in seeing the other personqs view and nego(
tiating, you might have to cede some ground to them. !etqs go back to the Sarah example
for a minute. 7ow, to be productive, Sarah has to sleep on or before ::'““. Roday, her
friend ·ill calls her at :“'—L p.m. Sarah is irritated. ·ill knows better. She wants to ignore
the call and go to bed. $ut something stops her. ·ill does know better than to call her at this
 RHO AFR VD ONOFW4AW ASSOFRINO7OSS LL

time. If she was calling, then there had to be something wrong. She picks up the call. ·illqs
husband had died half an hour ago. Assertiveness is knowing when to stand your ground,
when to cede control and when to -nd a middle. All these hinge on understanding and
respecting the other personqs point of view.
Shtbon pte:m Rhink of a situation you have been in recently where someoneqs needs
interfered with yours. How did you handle it? 4id you try to see the other personqs ’VN
while at the same time advocating for your own needs? 4id the resolution you arrived at
favorable to both parties?

pbknal -lefbublbtG uG wrovbcbnk ’:tbons

7o is the most annoying word in any language. It is also why many people -nd it hard to
be assertive. )e know how hard people take noqs and re8ections that come with it. Rhis
makes it even harder to say. However, providing options is an excellent way to soothe
the wound that comes with saying no. !etqs say someone wants you to do a pro8ect you
cannot commit to. Rhe assertive thing to do is to say, 91nfortunately, I cannot commit
to that at the moment, as I have a lot of things on my plate.5 Rhis is eYective and direct.
However, as stated above, you also have to consider the other personqs point of view and
try to compromise. $ased on this, you can either say'
a. 91nfortunately, I cannot commit to that at the moment, as I have a lot of things on
my plate. However, you can check back with me in two weeksB time. I will be freer then.5
Vr,
b. 91nfortunately, I cannot commit to that at the moment, as I have a lot of things on
my plate. However, I can recommend someone 8ust as skilled as I am to handle the work.5
Rhis part of assertiveness is the 9two birds, one stone5 approach. It lowers peopleqs
defenses and makes them more amenable to your demands. However, there is a caveat' do
not feel compelled to provide options if they are unavailable. If you are not going to be
free in the future or donqt want to handle the pro8ect, it would be passive to suggest they
check back later. Similarly, if no one is Uuali-ed to handle the pro8ect, do not disappoint
the other person by suggesting someone else.
Shtbon pte:m Rhink back to the three most recent situations where you had to protect
yourself by saying no. 4id you give the other person options? Rake time to think about
the possible options you may have given them.
L IA7 R1HVNS0W

WPe iroqen Rehorc WehPnbD.e

Wou know how a vinyl keeps repeating a particular line when it gets broken? Sometimes,
you need to do that when stating your demands or enforcing your boundaries. Humans
can be very persistent. Sometimes they test your boundaries to know which ones you
can compromise on. Vther times, they threaten or jatter you into taking down those
boundaries. In cases like this, stand your ground and calmly repeat your demand like a
broken record. 4onqt stammer. 4onqt ad8ust your demands. Jaintain con-dent body
language and insist on them.
Osther has been single for the past eight months. She has a personal policy of taking one
year of dating after every breakup to heal and work through emotional issues brought
up by the past relationship. In that time, Osther is celibate and does not date anyone.
She meets Falph at the ninth(month mark. Falph is a perfect gentleman. After a month,
Falph asks Osther out. She turns him down and suggests they get to know each other a
little better before getting into a relationship. Falph insists. Osther stands her ground and
tells him of her policy. She has two months left. 1nfortunately, Falph doesnqt want to
wait for two months. Itqs now or never.
9I really like you,5 he says, 9And if you like me as much as I think you do, youqd say yes
now. Wouqre not the only one that wants this,5 he -nishes, gesturing at his body. Dor the
-rst time since she met him, Osther is repulsed. However, she stands her ground.
9I understand, and I am willing to take that chance.5
Falph gets upset and red in the face. 9Wouqre not even all that. I was doing you a favor.5
Rhe beautiful thing about standing your ground and using this techniUue is that it
helps you weed out people who want to use you or manipulate you. Stand your ground.
$y saying no, youqre showing you know how to love yourself and are committed to
protecting yourself.
)hile everyone wants to satisfy their needs, people who genuinely care about you
would respect your boundaries and needs even when it doesnqt align with theirs;espe(
cially when it doesnqt align with theirs. Another eYective method similar to the broken
record techniUue is something I like to call intense silence. If the other person is still
insisting after you have used the broken record techniUue, keep Uuiet. Wou might be feeling
agitated at this time. I -nd counting to 6“ helps calm me down. Rhis silence will confuse
 RHO AFR VD ONOFW4AW ASSOFRINO7OSS LP

the other person and make them think youqre at breaking point. )hen you get to:L or
6“, establish eye contact and calmly repeat your stance.

Shtbon pte:m Feject on the eYectiveness of the broken record techniUue. Are there
speci-c situations where you will not feel comfortable using it? )ill intense silence be a
better option? Rhe next time someone tries to back you into a corner, use this techniUue.
Fecord how you feel afterward and the personqs reaction.

UonVt ieat No.rselF M:

Assertiveness is not a one(time thing. It is like building a muscle group in the gym or
learning a new language. Wou have to continue practicing. )hen you stop, it weakens.
It is like exposure therapy, as you are forcing yourself to do things that make you un(
comfortable and anxiousz conseUuently, your anxiety about those things will go down.
’ractice in real(time with friends and family. FealiGe that even with constant practice,
sometimes, you may fumble in certain situations. Rhis is nothing to be ashamed of. )hile
I have honed the art of assertiveness, sometimes, I still struggle with it when it comes to
families and close friends. Kiven our history, it is often di2cult to say no to them. In your
assertiveness 8ourney, it is essential to be kind to yourself and not beat yourself up for not
standing your ground that one time Cor two T with the pushy sales guy.

Shtbon pte:m Rhink about the last time you were passive or even aggressive instead
of being assertive. )as your reaction wrong? CFeminder' there is a time when each style
is appropriate.T )hat could you have done better? Rhe past is already etched in stone.
However, we can make the present and future better. Rake the lesson from that situation
and move on.

Haqe an Ef:os.re LberarhPG

)hen starting your assertiveness 8ourney, it is necessary to build an exposure hierarchy.

An exposure hierarchy is simply an ascending list of situations where you must be as(
sertive. Start from the situation that makes you least anxious Ce.g., saying no to random
L3 IA7 R1HVNS0W

salespeopleT and work your way up to the ones that make you more anxious Ce.g., telling
your boss to give you more time to do a pro8ect in the future.T. Rhe great thing about an
exposure hierarchy is that it builds oY your previous successes. )hen you are assertive in
something small, like saying no to pushy salespeople, you feel more con-dent and more
eUuipped to assert yourself in other personal relationships.

Shtbon pte:m In your 8ournal, create an exposure hierarchy of events Csee sample
belowT. Rake at least three days to practice each number. Fecord how you feel afterward.
4onqt beat yourself up if you fail to be assertive right away in some situations. ·ust
try again. Rry relaxation exercises like deep breathing, self(care, and progressive muscle
relaxation before and after doing each number.

bve SssertbvelG uG bvbnk wassbonatelG

Oarlier on, we talked about how con-dence builds power and how power widens your
range. An eYective way to build con-dence, power, and range is by living passionately.
)hat sets your soul on -re?
)hat are you Cor could you beT exceptionally great at?
Are you skilled with your hands or do numbers and algorithms appeal to you?
)hat is it you could do forever even if you werenqt paid for it?
Rhe reason many people -nd it hard to be assertive is because they are not even being
bold with their passions. !iving passively and doing things you do not care for is like
working out without eating right or trying to clear up your skin but still eating 8unk.
It is almost impossible to assert yourself with others when you are not being truthful
with yourself and your passions. !iving passionately cleans up your life from the inside
out. Overything begins to glow and grow. Wou become the master of your life and destiny.
 RHO AFR VD ONOFW4AW ASSOFRINO7OSS LM

Kranted, I understand that at diYerent stages of life, we have to do the things we do not
like to be able to do the things we like later on. However, you must always keep your goals
and passions before you to avoid losing focus. Rhe greatest threat to passion is survival. 4o
not become a spectator in your own life. 4o not let yourself become so wrapped in your
8ob;or whatever you do to survive;that you continuously bench forget your passions.

Shtbon pte:m )hat are the things that set your soul on -re? )hen was the last time
you worked on them? )hat is stopping you from working on them Ckids, work schedule,
caring for a disabled child, parent, or partnerT? )hat can you move around to -nd an
hour of practice time for your passions? 4evote an hour every day to your passions for
the next month. How do you feel afterward? 4o you notice a physical, emotional, and
psychological change in yourself? Fecord any observed changes in your 8ournal.

p.xxarG
Assertiveness is an oYshoot of con-dence.
Eon-dence is physical and psychological, and it determines how powerful you are.
Vne way to have more power is by having alternatives.
Wour range is the point at which you get rewarded for acting a certain way.
Eultivating con-dence is extremely important as it helps you avoid the low(power
double bind.
Rhe double bind is a situation where both doing something and doing nothing
provides the same negative results.
In any relationship or interaction, it is always best to draw your boundaries as soon
as you meet the person.
Ro draw e2cient boundaries, determine what your needs and necessities for
minimal comfort are.
Vnce you have highlighted your needs, the next step is communicating them
con-dently.
See the other personqs point of view and try to negotiate.
Eore beliefs are the narratives we have of ourselves in relationships to our immediate
environment, the people therein, and the world at large.
)hen they are negative, core beliefs become limiting and prevent us from asserting
ourselves, taking healthy risks, and reaching for more,
Dormulate new and adaptive core beliefs to eliminate faulty ones.
 “ IA7 R1HVNS0W

Situational passivity can be a good thing sometimes. However, you must examine
if you are doing it for the wrong reasons.
’roviding options is an excellent way to soothe the wound that comes with saying
no.
Stand your ground and calmly repeat your demand like a broken record.
Assertiveness is like building a muscle group in the gym or learning a new language.
Wou have to continue practicing, and even with constant practice, sometimes you may
fumble in certain situations.
EatastrophiGing is the conscious belief that a situation is worse than it is.
)ith assertiveness, believing the other person wonqt like you if you say how you
feel is often a prime example of catastrophiGing.
!ive passionately. Rhe reason many people -nd it hard to be assertive is because
they are not even being bold with their passions.
 9

DEAR MAN: The Seven

Pillars of Assertiveness

Being assertive, and somewhat really firm, has to be backed up with being fair.
Gordon Ramsay

At the level of conversation, the assertiveness can be boiled down into the DEAR MAN
acronym. Sometimes called the DER Script, the DEAR MAN acronym is a blueprint for
stating your concerns in a way that is objective, will cause the least amount of resistance
from the other person and encourage cooperation.
The DEAR part of the DEAR MAN acronym is used for asserting yourself in relatively
simple and straightforward situations, and it stands for:
• Describe
• Express
• Assert
• Reinforce
Let’s imagine you have an appointment with a friend. The meeting was meant to start
at 4:00 p.m. However, your friend arrives at 5:00 p.m. after missing several calls from you.
How would you handle the issue? According to the DEAR MAN approach, the Irst step
is:

D—Describe
2k UAN TOHVKSY6

Describe the issue at hand as clearly and as objectively as humanly possible. Ut helps to
thin- of yourself as a scientist discussing Indings using factual words that have no emoF
tional connotations. The more objectively you describe the situation, the less defensive
they are li-ely to be. This is where UFmessages come in. UFMessages tell the listener what
you see, feel, thin-, or want in an objective manner that doesn’t assign blame or put the
listener down. Un contrast, a youFmessage is a statement that focuses on the other person,
assigns blame, and puts the listener down.

!or example:
6ou never sit with me. ✖
How can you watch such stupid stuJ? ✖
Don’t be so irresponsible this time; ✖
These messages put the listener on the defense and ma-es them less amenable to your
point of view or wants. Ose UFmessages instead. The UFmessages are easier to accept and
invites discussion. zust state the facts and don’t ma-e it about them, as that will provo-e
an emotional reaction. 6our description should also be short and no more than three
sentences. The longer it is, the less easy it is to controlW the more emotional it is li-ely to
be and the easier it is for the other person to Bone out or lose sight of what you want to
communicate.
!or context, this is what bad descriptions would loo- li-e

• This lateness thingy is now a culture with you. ✖

• qow, this is a new record; An hour late; —ravo; ✖
• 6ou are always late; ✖

The Irst and the last descriptions are especially sure to ma-e the other person defensive.
They would “uic-ly recall all the times they were early”or worse, when you were late.
Thus, avoid words that generaliBe li-e never, always, and every. —e speciIc and say, you
were late twice this wee-.3 —ased on this, a great description loo-s li-e:

• qe were supposed to meet at 4:00 p.m., but you got here an hour late without texting.
P
• U have been waiting for the past hour. 6ou didn’t call nor text me that you’d be late. P
 THE ART V! EKER6DA6 ASSERTUKENESS 2G

E—Express

This is the hardest stage of the DEAR MAN approach. qe often assume people -now
how hurt, unloved, or disrespected we feel by some of their actions. However, the truth is
that sometimes, they don’t -now. Do not assume the other person -nows or should -now
how you feel. 1eople are not mind readers. Express how you feel as objectively as possible.
Again, use U,3 not you.3
Don’t say:
• qhen you show up late, you are being disrespectful3 ✖
• An hour late? Uf this isn’t the height of disrespect and arrogance, U don’t -now what
is;3 ✖
This will only ma-e them defensive. Also, avoid trying to guess at the other person’s
goals or intentions by saying, 6ou wanted to . . .3 or 6ou thought . . .3 !ocus on yourself.
—ased on this, say:
• qhen you don’t let me -now you are going to be late, U feel hurt and U worry.3 P
• qhen you arrive late without letting me -now, U feel unimportant.3 P

A—Assert

This is where you say what you want the person to do forthwith. Ut is very important that
you are as clear and as matterFofFfact as possible. Don’t beat around the bush, stammer,
or use the word -inda.3 —e clear. Don’t say:
• U understand that sometimesthings come up and we cannot really do anything about
it. —ut could you, li-e -inda, let me -now when you are, you -now, going to be this late?
Ut’s not li-e it was so late but could you let me -now next time?3 ✖
• U mean, it’s Ine being late every now and then but this is unacceptable, and U demand
to be informed when you’d be this late.3 ✖

The above statements are passive and aggressive respectively. Swap them for the followF
ing assertive alternatives:
• So next time U’d li-e it if you could text me if you’re going to be late.3 P
24 UAN TOHVKSY6

• Next time, let me -now beforehand if you are going to be late so U can adjust my
schedule accordingly.3 P
U Ind that, although we -now and can easily Igure out what we do not want or
li-e, it is often hard to articulate what we want. This is why when as-ed about our
li-es, we might realiBe we have left out the important ones hours after the conversation.
Similarly, in resolving con(icts, it is often easy to get lost in the maelstrom that you cannot
even coherently and eJectively articulate the change you want to see. Thus, it becomes
important to formulate the re“uest part of your speech before confronting the person.
qhat do you want from them with respect to the con(ict at hand? How can you ma-e
the re“uest actionable? These are very important “uestions to -eep in mind as they will
be the foundation on which your re“uest is built. —ased on this, do not say things li-e:
• U want you to be more responsible and -eep to time.3 ✖
• U want you to be more considerate of my time.3 ✖
qhile these may sound polite and even assertive, they are not eJective. These two
re“uests demand a personality change and are thus, not actionable. Ut pays to -eep things
small and to focus on the situation at hand. Thus, you can alternatively say:
• zust let me -now in advance if you are going to be late.3 P
• Text me if you are going to be more than Ive minutes late.3 P
The re“uests of text me3 and let me -now3 are speciIc and can be acted upon,
ma-ing it easier for the other person to comply with.

R—Reinforce

A core part of the Reinforce stage is Iguring out the reward the other person gets when
they comply with your re“uests. Un psychology, reinforcement is a reward that encourages
desired behavior. Human beings are rewardForiented creatures and will often only repeat
actions that are pleasurable or have appealing short or longFterm rewards. Here we are
reinforcing in advance by letting them -now what the reward will be if they cooperate.
So in order for the re“uest to be eJective, you have to dangle a reward that motivates them
to act on your re“uest. )reat examples of this would be:
• zust let me -now in advance if you are going to be late so U won’t be in a bad mood
when you get here.3P
 THE ART V! EKER6DA6 ASSERTUKENESS 25

• Text me if you are going to be more than Ive minutes late then U won’t have to cancel
our reservations.3P
As direct and as objective as the DEAR approach is, sometimes it fails to get through
to the other person. Emotions rise and the person gets even more defensive. They try to
derail you and interrupt you incessantly while trying to prove their point. This is where
the MAN part comes in. The MAN part of the DEAR MAN approach is eJective when
dealing with controlling people or handling extremely emotional situations. The Irst step
is:

M—Mindfulness

Stay mindful and focused on objectives. Don’t allow yourself get distracted. Stay on topic
until you have achieved your objective. Let’s imagine you say the following:

qe were supposed to meet at 4:00 p.m. but you got here an hour late without texting.
qhen you don’t let me -now you are going to be late, U feel hurt and U worry. zust let me
-now in advance if you are going to be lat,e then U won’t be in a bad mood when you get
here . . .3

Unstead of complying and possibly apologiBing for their tardiness, they attac- you.
They go on to ma-e baiting comments about how you thin- you are perfect even when
you are not. This -ind of situation can be draining and extremely annoying. However, do
not lose your calm. !ocus on the change you want to see and repeat your re“uest li-e a
bro-en record.

A—Appear ConNdent

This is especially important when the other person is noncompliant. 1eople would often
raise their voices to intimidate the other person. Do not be aJected by this. Spea- with
a level and conIdent voice. Maintain eye contact. Don’t loo- at the (oor or dart eyes
around the roomW this signals defeat and passivity to the other person. Uf they try to tal-
22 UAN TOHVKSY6

over you, use the bro-en record techni“ue or the intense silence approach. Don’t whisper
or stammer. 1ractice what you want to say beforehand and say it conIdently.

g—geSotiate

zust because you are ma-ing a re“uest doesn’t mean the other person has to comply. Life is,
after all, a democracy. Remember, assertiveness is all about Inding fertile middle ground
where both sets of needs can thrive. 1eople are more li-ely to comply if something is in
it for them. 6ou can oJer solutions or reduce your re“uests to accommodate the other
person. )reat examples of this are:
• Ut’s Ine if you are going to be 70 or 75 minutes lateW anything more and U’d li-e you
to text me to let me -now.3 P
• U am really sorry, but U cannot help. Uf U have time in the future, U am open to helping
you with other things.3 P
qith the above statements, you are signaling (exibility and providing options, thus
ma-ing the other person more li-ely to comply.

After using the DEAR MAN approach, people will normally table their own concerns
and needs. Ut is important to stop tal-ing and listen to them. Repeat their main concerns
to them in summary form just to ma-e sure you understood what was said. This is
called paraphrasing and lets them -now you have heard and completely understood their
re“uests, concerns, or needs.

ummary
• The DEAR MAN acronym is a blueprint for stating your concerns in a way that is
objective, will cause the least amount of resistance from the other person, and encourage
cooperation.
• DEAR MAN stands for Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, Mindfulness, Appear
conIdent, Negotiate.
• Describe the issue at hand as clearly and as objectively as humanly possible.
• Express how you feel as objectively as possible, using U3 messages.
• Assert what you want the person to do forthwith as clearly and as directly as possible.
• Reinforce in advance the good behavior you want to see.
 THE ART V! EKER6DA6 ASSERTUKENESS 2

• Un psychology, reinforcement is a reward that encourages desired behavior.

• qhen dealing with controlling people or high con(ict situations, it is important to
stay mindful and appear conIdent.
• Uf they try to intimidate, interrupt, or bac- you into a corner, use the bro-en record
techni“ue or intense silence approach.
• !inally, negotiate the terms of the re“uest if need be.
 10

Social Media
Assertiveness

“One of the ways of building self-esteem is by being self-assertive when it is not easy to do so.
There are always times when self-assertiveness requires courage, no matter how high your
self-esteem.
Nathaniel Branden

As the world evolves and technology advances, the lines between the real world and
the online world are quickly blurring. More people are meeting their life partners online.
Learning, religious services and recreational activities are taking place on online spaces.
More and more people now use social media as an online diary of sorts to curate and
document their lives. While social media is often referred to as a highlight reel where
people mostly post their wins and successes, it would not be far-fetched to say that a
person’s social media page is often a reYection of who they are or who they want to be.
As we bond more with people under tweets and TouRube posts and connect with like
minds on Peddit and PGx games communities, it becomes eItremely important to learn
the elusive skill of online assertiveness. Hnasmuch as the online world was created to mirror
the real world, they both operate under diEerent rules and principles. While some people
Ond that the anonymity and freedom that comes with social media makes assertiveness
easier, others Ond it to be restrictive. As the internet never forgets, people are afraid to
assert themselves for fear of being cancelled, bullied and trolled. Hn this section we are
going to look at the quiet art of online assertiveness and how to stand your ground during
online conYicts.
 RFV APR DS V6VPT9AT A;;VPRH6VNV;; —2

1. Hone assertiveness in real life

;ocial media is a great conOdence booster. As we hide behind the anonymity of ;napchat
avatars and Hnstagram monikers, it becomes easier to let go of our inhibitions and demand
what we want. Fowever, this is a fauI version of conOdence. When the chips are down,
you need real conOdence and assertiveness to navigate online spaces.
Tou cannot give online, what you don’t have o0ine. Tou can only fake it for so long.
Tou have to do the o0ine work. Build assertiveness in your ever day life. 9elineate your
boundaries in real-timeK this would determine what your online boundaries would be too.
Learn to be vocal and Orm with your needs and how to compromise if need be.

2. Believe in Yourself . . .

. . . and your craft then carve a niche for yourself. Sinding a way to sell your skills and
persona uniquely on social media is a subset of living assertively. While scandal and shock
are high-performing currencies in the social media ecosystem, authenticity out performs
them both. Rhis is why people with incredible work ethics and talent have some of the
greatest followings you will ever seen. Geople are drawn to unique and talented people like
moths to a campOre. When said talented people are conOdent and know how to position
themselves and eIpress their talents, it becomes a thing of beauty“and everyone wants a
slice of that.

3. Be Diberent Aut hutcenti4

When the pandemic kicked oE in early ”j”j, $habane 1$habyU Lame was 7uggling
working at a factory with waiting tables in Rurin. Fis monthly income was 7ust z:jjj.
$haby’s parents were immigrants from ;enegal who had left 9akar, ;enegal for Htaly in
search of a better life. ?nfortunately, happily ever after doesn’t come easily in real life.
$haby was dysleIic and was thus re7ected from middle school, high school and college.
Hn March ”j”j, the then twenty-year old was laid oE from both his 7obs. Ro say he was
…j HAN R?FD6;$T

at ground [ero would be putting it mildly. What he did not know was that a few months
later, he would become the most followed person on RikRok with ”jj million followers.
Now unemployed, $haby, like millions of other people during the pandemic, turned
to social media for comfort. Fe started making short RikRoks to pass time and get away
from things. Fe made fun of complicated life tasks and simpliOed them. Hn the beginning,
only his neighbor and his father watched his content. Hn one month, he got nine views
and two subscribers.
But he didn’t care. Fe continued to make videos.
As the months went by, $haby’s videos began to gain traction. As his videos were real
life representations of the writer’s maIim 1show don’t tell,U it was no wonder people
found his content organic and funny. Roday, $haby is the most followed person on
RikRok, the face of Fugo Boss and a constant invitee at Olm festivals.
Authenticity is powerfulK it is the greatest form of assertiveness.
Rhanks to optimi[ed viewing, it is very easy to become a clone on social media. While
conformity is not always a bad thing, sometimes the most assertive and productive thing
you can do is to go against the grain. 9on’t be diEerent 7ust for the heck of it. Be diEerent
but authentic.

I. gNnore 5eNativities

Dne of the primary principles of stoicism is diEerentiating between what you can and
cannot control. Rhis principle was Orst propounded by Vpicetus in his discourses where
he writes that]
1Rhe chief task in life is simply this] to identify and separate matters so that H can say
clearly to myself which are eIternals not under my control, and which have to do with the
choices H actually control. Where then do H look for good and evilJ Not to uncontrollable
eIternals, but within myself to the choices that are my ownéU è”j3

Hn your interactions on social media, a lot of things are out of your control. ;ure, you
can dress nice, take the pictures from the right angles, make sure the background is 7ust
perfect and upload the pictures when engagement is high.. Fowever, you cannot control
how people will perceive your pictures of how they will react to it. With this knowledge,
you should also reali[e that not every opinion under your post deserves an answer.
 RFV APR DS V6VPT9AT A;;VPRH6VNV;; …:

;peech is silver and silence is golden. Not all comments you get on your social media
page deserve a reply“or as they say in social media parlance, a clap back. ;ometimes, the
most assertive thing you can do is to ignore the negativity. Vnergy goes where attention
Yows. And sometimes, you have to be deliberate about not giving negative people the
attention they desperately desire. Rhrust them into beautiful insigniOcance by ignoring
but not deleting their post.

P. ki4y 6our Aattles . . .

. . . and Oght them conOdently.

Gop singer, @ames Blunt is many things] a veteran, a licensed pilot and a patron of the
medical charity M4decins sans fronti(res. Fowever, what you probably don’t know is that
@ames is also the king of comebacks.
Hn a tweet made on the )jth of Dctober ”j:…, an inconnu twitter user insults @ames’
music. Rhe tweet reads]
1#@amesBlunt H broke up with my girlfriend because she likes your music. ;he’s
obviously deaf.U
@ames replied swiftly. 1Hf she was your girlfriend, she was probably blind as well.U
Hn another tweet dated :Cth @uly ”j:—, another person tweets, 1Dn my bucket list, H
want to sit @ames Blunt down and eIplain“line by line“why his song 1Tou’re BeautifulU
sucks. ;howing there is a reason why his surname is Blunt, @ames replies, 1And H’d like to
sit you down and eIplain“dollar by dollar“why H don’t care.U
While silence can sometimes be a great policy, speech •and actions that speak 7ust
as loudly5 works One too. Tour social media space is like your internal world and you
control what stays there and what doesn’t. Ht is okay if you choose to block a speciOc
account, delete hateful comments or disable comments completely on your photos. What
we see and eIperience on social media often aEects our psychological wellbeing. Rhus, it
is imperative that we Olter everything that comes into our social media spaces to ensure
we have the best eIperiences possible on this platform

w. DraL Your 7ines

…” HAN R?FD6;$T

While this applies to everyone, clearly highlighting what you would and would not tol-
erate is especially important if you are planning to be an online personality or inYuencer.
Geople like to test boundaries. ;ometimes, they do it unconsciouslyK other times, they
do it consciously. A while ago a female friend of mine who owns a popular TouRube
channel told me she nips bad behavior in the bud when she sees it. Ht doesn’t matter if it
is directed to someone else, she kills it when she sees it. ;ocial media comments sections
can be a great place to learn and interact with like minds. Fowever, they can also be a bed
of sulfurous takes and in7urious comments. ?nder one of her posts, she noticed people
1roastingU another person for asking an ignorant question. ;he stepped in and put the
other people in their place. Rhe message was clear] we don’t do that here. While this might
seem minor, it is actually necessary and goes a long way. Neti[ens are like childrenK once
you allow something“regardless of whether it is directed at you or not“it becomes the
norm. Hf you allow rudeness on your page, it won’t be long before you are the recipient.
Rhis is not to say that censoring and checking people insulates you from being on the
receiving end of these comments. Fowever, it makes for a more peaceful and regulated
social media eIperience.

R. WeNulate Scat You 8care

An essential part of establishing online boundaries lies in regulating what you share
online. Pemember how we said social media has become something of an online diary
for curating eIperiencesJ Rhat’s as much a good thing as it is a bad thing. H know we live
in a time where we feel a blood urge to share every minute details of our days and lives,
however, there are some things that should be kept private.
Rhe more access you give people to your life and internal world, the more criticism you
are likely to get and the pushier they become for more information. Drganic celebrities
•movie stars, actors, authors, etc.5 generally don’t have a choice in this regard as the
media and papara[[i make it a point of duty to Ond out the nitty-gritty of their everyday
lives. Fowever, as a person with personal social media accounts or a growing TouRube
followership, you have to regulate the aspects of your life that you share online. xPWM
•xet Peady with Me5 videos, Meet My Samily episodes and house tour videos are great
but ask yourself this]
9o H really want thousands of people to have this much access to meJ
 RFV APR DS V6VPT9AT A;;VPRH6VNV;; …)

Hs it really necessary for them to see my home, knowing it puts me in a vulnerable

position and can open me up to robberiesJ
9o H have to always post trivia about my kids on my channel knowing there are a lot of
predators out thereJ
Ht is not uncommon to see comments demanding for more information about a per-
son’s marital, childbirth and employment status. Ht is also not uncommon to see these
people get angry when such questions are ignored. While people will naturally be curious
about these things when you are popular, when you make sharing details of your life the
entire premise of your page, people ad7ust to this online diet and feel entitled to knowing
every little thing about you and might even lash out when you withhold information.
;ome videos and picture should not leave your gallery. Numerous social media com-
ments sections are Olled with diEerent variations of the phrase 1if they want to keep their
lives private, why did they start sharing things about themselves in the Orst placeJU Rhus,
it becomes important to decide what you will be posting on social media, come to terms
with the short and long term eEects it may have and put your foot down when people
demand more than you are willing to share.

M. 5o diser6 korn hlloLe9

Misery or sad porn refers to literature“or in this case social media posts“created for
the sole purpose of making other people feel deep sadness. A typical eIample of this is
going live on Hnstagram to cry about a break up. Glease do not do it. H understand that
the internet in general and social media in particular has become a receptacle for our
eIperiences and innermost thoughts. Fowever, you have to remember that the internet
never forgets. 9o not arm people with information that can be used to hurt, haunt or
mock you. ;ure, you can record the video if you feel compelled to but don’t upload it.
Most people on the internet are largely indiEerent to what happens to you. Sind comfort
o0ine in the arms and 9Ms of people that really care about you and stick to posting
vacation pictures on your social media page.

’. DonEt daye xm4uses for BeinN You

…C HAN R?FD6;$T

Rhere’s a little something H like to call online disclaimers. Rhis is when someone calls
attention to something they feel is wrong with their post so that people won’t attack
them for it. Basically a case of laughing at yourself before others laugh at you. Tou see this
with captions like 1ignore the belly, H’m bloated.U or 1ignore my backgroundK H’m at my
grandma’s.U Ht is terrible and points to low-self-esteem. No matter how we hide behind
Olters and perfect locations, we all know perfect doesn’t eIist.
Geople get acne on their back every now and then.
Women get bloated during their time of the month.
And sometimes, we forget to paint over that pesky stain on the wall.
Rhat doesn’t make us less than other people. Ht 7ust means we are human. alling
attention to these things with online disclaimers shows a person is not comfortable in
their own skin.

8u ar6

As the internet never forgets, people are afraid to assert themselves for fear of being
cancelled, bullied and trolled.
Tou cannot give online, what you don’ have o0ine. Tou can only fake it for so long.
Tou have to do the o0ine work. Build assertiveness in your ever day life.
Authenticity is powerfulK it is the greatest form of assertiveness
Hn your interactions on social media, a lot of things are out of your control. Not all
comments you get on your social media page deserve a reply“or as they say in social media
parlance, a clap back.
While silence can sometimes be a great policy, speech •and actions that speak 7ust as
loudly5 works One too.
learly highlighting what you would and would not tolerate is especially important
if you are planning to be an online personality or inYuencer.
Neti[ens are like childrenK once you allow something“regardless of whether it is
directed at you or not“it becomes the norm. Hf you allow rudeness on your page, it won’t
be long before you are the recipient.
An essential part of establishing online boundaries lies in regulating what you share
online.
9o not arm people with information that can be used to hurt, haunt or mock you.
 RFV APR DS V6VPT9AT A;;VPRH6VNV;; …

alling attention to your Yaws with online disclaimers shows a person is not com-
fortable in their own skin.
 11

The Untouchables:
How to be Assertive
in Your Personal
Relationships

I encourage people to remember that "no" is a complete sentence.

Gavin de Becker

For me, family is everything. I owe everything I am today to my father’s advice and
mentorship, my mother’s love and attention, and my siblings’ companionship. Friends
also hold a very dear spot in my heart, as they are the family I built away from home. For
most people, family and friends are the untouchables. These guys know your history and
journey almost as well as theirs. This sense of oneness one feels with family and friends
often gets in the way of being honest with them. We try to protect them and their feelings
by beating around the bush or outrightly lying about many things. We tell our best friend
that the EP they just released is a landmark sound in pop music history, even though the
song sounds terrible. We tell our partner that the lunch they packed us was great even
though we chucked it and got Chipotle instead. Despite all these, it is understandable
that we Rnd it hard to be assertive and tell our loved ones no.
?emember how we said no is the most irritating word in any languageH
 TAE O?T VF EYE?SDOS ONNE?TIYE7ENN qq

That is because we view that word as a rejection of the proposition in xuestion and
ourselves. While no is a complete sentence and doesn’t need to be ezplained, you must
also remember that the word can foster negotiation. No in this chapter, we will be looking
at how to be assertive with your friends, partner, and family and not end up living alone
with half a doBen cats.

1. Good friends will not abandon you for having boundaries

The fear of abandonment frustrates assertiveness in our personal relationships. We believe

that Rrmly drawn boundaries are ezclusion circles that will Rnally push our loved ones
away from us. No instead of putting our foot down, we erase di“erent sections of our
boundaries to accommodate the feelings of our loved ones.
”ad choice, Chief.
O boundary is not an ezclusion circle. I like to see boundaries as Yenn diagrams that
say, UI am me, and you are you. We might intersect at di“erent points, but we are still
independent entities, and that is what makes our relationship beautiful.K If you have
an avoidant personality or issues with abandonment, coming to terms with this will be
eztremely di8cult.
q: IO7 T-AVYNLS

Figure 2: The Venn diagram of a beautiful rela-

tionship

No to help you start, try being assertive with your loved ones under controlled circum9
stances, e.g., emails and tezts. Take time to draft out your thoughts and better present your
case. —et’s say a friend needs to use your house for a party. Aowever, they have a knack for
hosting parties that get out of hand. Instead of confronting them physically and having
them out9argue you, send them a tezt that looks like this•
Ai Ondy. This is in reply to your rexuest. Os much as I’d like to help, the answer is no.
Sou know I have to move out within the nezt siz months. No, I am trying my best to get
back my security deposit. O party would frustrate that. Aowever, let me know if there is
anything else I can do to help.
Ciao.
”rief, empathic without being unnecessarily sweet, and you provided them with op9
tions.

2. Speak Out, ASAP

—inda and Polly have been friends since kindergarten. They are so close a lot of people
mistake them for sisters. While they are not related, their bond is more potent than that
between sisters. They have been through so much together and have had each other’s
backs every step of the way. O year ago, Polly lost her job and was kicked out of her
apartment because she couldn’t meet the rent. —inda stepped in and saved the day. Polly
 TAE O?T VF EYE?SDOS ONNE?TIYE7ENN q0

stayed with her until she found a job. When —inda’s housemate moved out, it felt logical
for Polly to replace her. Aowever, Poly had not been truthful with her friend.
While —inda was sxuatting her best bud, Polly xuickly discovered she was not the
easiest and cleanest person to live with. Vut of gratitude, Polly had taken over most of
the household choresGand while this made life easy for —inda and her housemate, it
made Polly so unhappy. Aowever, there had been a silver lining, the hope that things
would Rnally align for her and she’d Rnd her own place. No naturally, the thought of living
full9time with —inda scared her. Telling —inda how she felt didn’t sit well with Polly. It
tasted of betrayal and ingratitude999and Polly was not an ingrate. Nhe gave —inda a plausible
reason why she couldn’t continue living with her and moved out.
We have all been in Polly’s shoes at one point, and we can understand her sentiments.
Aowever, let’s put on —inda’s shoes for a bit. I don’t know about you, but from where
I am standing, I think I’d like my friend to privately call me out on my shortcomings
instead of sparing my feelings. Nparing my feelings feels good in the short term, but what
happens in the long runH Aow would —inda feel if someone elseGwho probably won’t
be diplomatic about itGcalls her out on being a slobH
Friendships are not perfect because they are formed by imperfect people who are a
cocktail of 2aws, trauma, and sincere feelings. Aowever, imperfection is a beautiful thing
because it demands and encourages growth. When asserting yourself with friends, observe
the rule of three•
4 Npeak out soon
4 Npeak out privately
4 Npeak out with empathy

3. Don’t fall into old roles

Aistory and reinforced impressions are the primary reasons people Rnd it hard to be
assertive in their personal relationships. Sour parents still unconsciously see you as that
napkin9pooping cherub with the cute, gummy smile. No it becomes harder to reconcile
this independent, adult999and assertiveGversion of you with that image. Ond it is the same
with basically any relationship formed in childhood. Children don’t really understand
the concept of boundaries. They pick their nose and show their friends and tell their
:/ IO7 T-AVYNLS

kindergarten class how mom kissed dad before breakfast. While this modus vivendi can
be liberating, it doesn’t create an ezcellent foundation for assertiveness.
Establishing boundaries with parents, siblings, and childhood friends can be one of the
hardest things to do. Try as they may, your friends cannot reconcile ”ooger ?oger with
the established professional you now are. Aowever, a good place to start is to avoid falling
into old roles. Don’t take the backseat on important family decisions because everyone
still treats you like the baby of the family even though you are almost thirty. It’s okay to
goof around with your friends. Aowever, calmly put them in their place when they bring
up embarrassing anecdotes. It could be simple as saying• U1ood times. ”ut I’m no longer
that person, and I’d appreciate it if you stop bringing it up.K The beautiful thing about
life is it gives us space to evolveGand your inner circle should keep up with your personal
evolutions.

4. Don’t take the Bait

While personal relationships can be beautiful, guilt is a currency they often trade in.
When family and friends ask you for favors that may be highly demanding given your
circumstances, statements like Uremember everything we’ve been throughK start circling
like Rre2ies. Npeaking from ezperience, it can be tough saying no when guilt is on the
bargaining table. Sou think about all the times they have been there for you, and you feel
like a traitor. Aowever, the whole point of being family or friends is not to give when you
are depleted but to show up for them as the best version of yourself. If helping then will
drain you, take a step back. When guilt is served, turn it down and remind them of all the
times you have been there for them and why this time is di“erent. Ossertiveness comprises
negotiation, and negotiation can be ezpanded to include helping them see things from
your point of view.

5. OHer to melp within your own Para eters

Os many personal relationships are formed in childhood, the boundaries are watery and,
sometimes, non9ezistent. We give them '()q access to our lives, are willing to disadvantage
ourselves Rnancially to help them, and basically go the eztra mile and then some for them.
 TAE O?T VF EYE?SDOS ONNE?TIYE7ENN :;

While this might make you the golden child, the perfect friend, and the dream partner,
it is not sustainable. Dropping everything to help out people in need might be a fantastic
plot for a superhero movie, but it doesn3t make for a great living ezperience.
When people learn to depend on you, they naturally stop trying to be independent.
The way they see it, the security blanket of your assistance is all they need to weather life3s
storms. That3s why that bum uncle never stops drinking because he knows the family
will always help him out. That3s why your best bud always needs you to help him with
last9minute projects, even though he had three weeks to deliver on them. Thus, it becomes
important to be assertive and turn down outrageous rexuests and help within your own
parameters.
This concept of helping within your own parameters is critical if you come from more
communal cultures. Communal cultures operate on the principle that the community is
just as important as the family. Sou know how people say it takes a village to raise a childH
Well, that’s actually a thing in cultures like these. EveryoneGaunties, uncles, cousins,
and distant relativesGactively raises the child and makes them who they are. Thus, when
the child becomes great, they are ezpected to give back to the community. In Ofrican
communities, this is called the black taz.
While this is a beautiful arrangement, most good things are subject to abuse. It is nor9
mal to feel indebted to people and help them even when you are Rnancially, emotionally,
and psychologically drained. Aowever, you have to think of yourself too. ?emember the
ozygen mask analogy. Putting down Rrm boundaries is you putting on the ozygen mask
before helping the other person. ”ased on this, it is important to state your parameters
when dealing with your friends, partner, and nuclear and communal family. If you are
putting a nephew through school, let them know the Rzed amount you’d send as upkeep.
Onything more, and they’d have to either work for it or ask someone else. If you are a
people9pleasing Penny, don’t set the precedent of being too available. With your partners,
this entails delineating the relationship conditions e.g., deal breakers and things you are
not open to in and out of the bedroom . Olso, if you are the fountain of ideas that your
friends draw from, you have to Rnd a way to limit their dependency on you. Teach them
how to Rsh do not give them Rsh. Instead of spoon9feeding them ideas about a work
project, foster independence by nudging them in the right direction and giving them
pointers.
:' IO7 T-AVYNLS

Disclaimer• There will always be unixue circumstances where you must go out of your
way to help the people you love. Aowever, the critical thing is not to make it a habit of
being overly accommodating.

Su ary

4 The sense of oneness one feels with family and friends often gets in the way of being
honest with them.
4 The fear of abandonment frustrates assertiveness in our personal relationships. We
believe that Rrmly drawn boundaries are ezclusion circles that will Rnally push our loved
ones away from us.
4 O boundary is not an ezclusion circle. ”oundaries are Yenn diagrams that say, UI am
me, and you are you. We might intersect at di“erent points, but we are still independent
entities, and that is what makes our relationship beautiful.K
4 Friendships are not perfect because they are formed by imperfect people, imperfect
people who are a cocktail of 2aws, trauma, and sincere feelings. Aowever, imperfection is
a beautiful thing because it demands and encourages growth
4 When asserting yourself with friends, observe the rule of three• Npeak out soon, speak
out privately, speak out with empathy
4 Aistory and reinforced impressions are the primary reasons people Rnd it hard to be
assertive in their personal relationships.
4 On ezcellent way to subvert these old impressions is to avoid falling into old roles.
4 The beautiful thing about life is it gives us space to evolveGand your inner circle
should keep up with your personal evolutions.
4 While personal relationships can be beautiful, guilt is a currency they often trade in.
4 Dropping everything to help out people in need might be a fantastic plot for a
superhero movie, but it doesn3t make for a great living ezperience.
4 When people learn to depend on you, they naturally stop trying to be independent.
The way they see it, the security blanket of your assistance is all they need to weather life3s
storms.
4 This concept of helping within your own parameters is crucial if you come from a
communal culture.
 TAE O?T VF EYE?SDOS ONNE?TIYE7ENN :

4 Putting down Rrm boundaries is you putting on the ozygen mask before helping the
other person.
 12

How to Be Assertive at
Work—and Not Lose
Your Job

Staying silent is like a slow growing cancer to the soul and the trait of a true coward. There
is nothing intelligent about not standing up for yourself. You may not win every battle.
However, everyone will at least know what you stood for—YOU.
Shannon L. Alder

In his illuminating book Eat That Frog, Brian Tracy advises that if you have to choose
between eating two frogs, eat the ugliest one .rstH ’owever, for the sake of this book, I
have saved the ugliest frog for lastH Before we begin, Iqd like us to do a xuick eYerciseH
Imagine you are at the opce nowH Aouqre hard at work, eyes occasionally glancing at the
time, ho—ing the work day endsH Wt some minutes —ast four!less than an hour before the
close of work!your su—ervisor dum—s some more work on youH
RaitN Thatqs not allH
This is work they should be doing, not youH “ightly, youqre u—setH ”ow, imagine
—ushing the work back toward them and saying a sim—le ?noHG
’ow do you feelM
’a——yM “elievedM Ooddamn uncomfortableM
Vy moneyqs on the lastH
 T’E W“T DF ESE“A8WA W55E“TISE”E55 j-

Rhile it can be hard saying no to friends, —arents, siblings, and —artners, it is almost
herculean to say no to em—loyers and work su—eriorsH Wnd it is not sur—rising whyN Dur
livelihood de—ends on them and how ha——y they are with usH Rorking overtime —ales
in com—arison to being unem—loyed, not —aying rent, and having to slee— on your best
mateqs couchH 5o we suck it u— and do the Uob!while com—laining under our breathsH
Rhat if I told you it doesnqt have to be that wayM Rhat if I told you that it is —ossible
to assert yourself and still not lose your UobM Rhile this cha—ter will mostly address ways
to assert yourself as an em—loyee, I will include a few ti—s that will hel— managers and
su—ervisors assert themselves without eroding the con.dence and selfzesteem of their
subordinatesH

Know Your Worth

Rhen I was Uust a young boy, my dad used to tell me a lot of storiesH The stories cut
across history, folklore, and his —ersonal eY—eriencesH ’owever, there was one he told
me that forever stuck with meH Wfter one too many attem—ts by hunters to tra— and kill
her, a mother eagle .nally Ked her nest, leaving behind a huge eggH The hunters combed
the forest and felled trees in search of herH Wfter days of searching, they went back to
their villages, unha——yH ’owever, one hunter —ersistedH ’e combed the shrubs and trees,
looking for signs of the maUestic birdH Rhen he was on the verge of giving u—, he ha——ened
u—on an enormous eggH ’e knew it was the eagleqsH Wt that —oint, it dawned on him that
because of them, the bird had abandoned the egg as it Ked for safetyH 6nha——y with this
reali)ation, this lone hunter decided to make amends by taking the eggH Dne of his favorite
chickens had Uust laid a clutch of eggsH The hunter decided to sli— this egg into his henqs
nest and have her incubate itH
Everything went as —lannedH Dne after the other, the eggs began to hatch, and .nally,
the eagle broke o—en and a tiny eaglet hobbled outH Though it was evident the eaglet was
diLerent, the mother hen cared for all her kids Uust the sameH The little eaglet —layed with
the other chicks and dug the earth for worm like other chicksH ’e was ha——y with his
reality until one day, he saw an eagle Ky —ast overheadH For the .rst time in its young life,
the eaglet wanted to be something else other than a wormzdigging, —elletzeating chickenH
Ws he went about —ecking for worms with his brothers and sisters, he ke—t seeing the
formidable silhouette the eagle cut across the hori)on as it Kew —astH
jP IW” T6’DS5CA

Rhatqs the —oint of all thisM

Vost of us are like the eagletH Re have greatness in us and do do great thingsH ’owever,
because we have been sociali)ed and conditioned to think we are chickens, we do not reach
for and ask for moreH Rhile being an em—loyee automatically —uts you in a less —owerful
bargaining —osition, the truth is some of your em—loyers need you more than you need
themH I am not saying this for you to become —roud and unruly at workH I am only saying
this so you aH: “ecogni)e your worth, and bH: 1earn to ask for what you deserveH In my
work, I have observed that the most talented —eo—le underestimate or down—lay their
valueH This is why it is often easy for them to be eY—loited and walked all overH 5o the .rst
ste— towards an assertive life is knowing your worthH 2alibrate this worth by checking
the im—act you have had on your organi)ation since you were hiredH 5it down and list
all the ways you have im—acted the com—any since you came on boardH ”ote how many
return customers the com—any has had because of your skill, goodwill, and work ethicH
Enumerate the —ro.ts the com—any has had since you took over s—eci.c —roUectsH 3eo—le
are afraid of asserting themselves at work for three —rimary reasons7
$H For fear of losing their Uobs
0H They underestimate their value
4H Because of 0H: above, they believe they are re—laceableH
Rhile all these are valid fears, asserting yourself in the work —lace is eYtremely im—orz
tantH Rhile it may be easy to work another overtime for the third time this week, there are
more severe work im—lications —lace —assivityH Rork —lace —assivity can lead to you being
—aid way less than you deserve or having others take credit for your workH By knowing your
worth and correctly estimating your value to the com—any, you become more comfortable
asserting yourself and asking for what you deserveH

Ask for Your Worth

Wfter evaluating your worth, the neYt ste— is to ask for what you deserveH If you feel you
are overdue for a raise, ask for oneH If you want to work on a —roUect that better suits your
skills, use the 8EW“ VW” a——roach from cha—ter seven and ask for itH 1etqs imagine you
have been working at a .ctional com—any called Finklegram for the —ast .ve years and have
been due for a raise for the last two yearsH Aou want to ask your boss, VrH 8mitri, for a
 T’E W“T DF ESE“A8WA W55E“TISE”E55 j•

raise but are scared to do it for fear of losing the UobH 6sing the 8EW“ VW” a——roach
and bearing your worth in mind, your rexuest should sound like this7

Describe: 8mitri, I have been working here for the —ast .ve years, and in those years,
I have launched four —ro.table accounts, secured a —roUect that the com—any has been
eyeing for the —ast ten years, and brought two struggling accounts to life H H H
Express: ’owever, I have been —assed over for a raise two years in a row, and it makes
me feel unvalued H H H
Assert: Cnowing the com—any —rides itself on recogni)ing and rewarding value, Iqd
like to ask for a 94/,/// increase on my current salary H H H
Reinforce: I really love being —art of the work family at Finklegram, and I assure you
my im—ressive track record will only get better with this raiseH

The great thing about the above is that it:

$H 8escribes the situation obUectively without blaming anyoneH
0H EY—resses the s—eakerqs feelings without getting overly emotional
4H 5hows you know your worth and reminds the com—any of said worth
…H Ends by reminding the com—any of the stakes
Rhile all the ste—s are essential, the ?assertG ste— is the most im—ortant as it is where
you state your needH It is also im—erative that while asking for a raise, you have a .gure in
mindH I .nd that many —eo—le go in with a defeatist mindset when asking for a raiseH They
eY—ect to be turned down, so when the oLer is acce—ted, they reali)e they have —re—ared
so well for resistance that they didnqt even —re—are for successH ’ave a .gure in mindH

Reinforcement

In —sychology, o—erant conditioning is based on the —remise that we can increase or reduce
the incidence of a behavior or action by adding a consexuenceH This consexuence can
either be reinforcement or —unishmentH Based on this, there are four ty—es of o—erant
conditioning7
‘ 3ositive reinforcement7 ’ere, you add a reward to encourage the behavior, eHgH, giving
a child a cu—cake for doing well on their s—elling testH
jj IW” T6’DS5CA

‘ ”egative reinforcement7 here, you encourage the behavior by removing something

un—leasant, eHgH, allowing the kids to stay u— late watching TS because theyqve been on
their best behavior
‘ 3ositive —unishment7 here, you discourage the behavior by adding an un—leasant
res—onse, eHgH, grounding a teenager for misbehavingH
‘ ”egative —unishment7 ’ere, you discourage the behavior by removing something
—leasant, eHgH, taking a childqs toyH
5o how do you use reinforcement to assert yourselfM
By directly or indirectly telling the other —erson the bene.ts they stand to gain by comz
—lying with your demandsH ’uman beings are naturally —ro.tzorientedH Re do things that
favor us or trigger —leasant feelingsH This is why we love sugar, carbs, and bingezwatching
series on ”etKiYH Rhile asserting yourself, you must always .nd a way to a——eal to this
as—ect of human natureH 1etqs go back to our —revious 8EW“ VW” eYam—le for a
momentH Rhile asking the boss, VrH 8mitri, for a raise, we ended by saying7
“I really love being part of the work family at Finklegram, and I assure you my impressive
track record will only get better with this raise.”

The assurance that the already im—ressive —erformance will im—rove is a classic eYam—le
of —ositive reinforcementH This —hrase is like —utting a carrot before the —roverbial donkey
and can entice the other —erson into com—lying with your demandsH 8uring her address
at 5tanford 6niversity in 0/$•, —hilanthro—ist, billionaire, and former chief eYecutive
opcer of Veta, 5heryl Cara 5andberg, im—ressed on the im—ortance of ?negotiating
communallyG when asking for higher —ay or better working conditionsH ”egotiating
communally is sim—ly framing your rexuest as serving a higher communal goodH In her
words7

“If you are negotiating for a raise and you are a man, you can walk in and say 'I deserve
this.' That will not backfire on you," she says. "We know the data says it will backfire on a
woman. So I think along with saying 'I deserve this,' [women should explain] that, you know,
'This is important for [my] performance,' and 'This will make [me] more effective as a team memb
er.'" [21]

Wlthough 5andbergqs advice is directed at women, it is eLective regardless of genderH

 T’E W“T DF ESE“A8WA W55E“TISE”E55 jJ

”egative reinforcement can also be used to get the other —erson to com—ly with your
demandsH If you do decide to use this a——roach, the statement will look like this7
?I really love being —art of the work family at FinklegramH I know you are worried about
the —oor —erformance of the ”eilson accountH I have taken over it and assure you itqll
become as —ro.table as the other accounts I have taken over with this raiseHG
Rith the above, youqre enticing the other —erson into com—lying with your demands
by —romising to remove something they .nd un—leasantH Rhile —unishment can hel—
—ut a sto— to undesirable behavior, it is not eLective when dealing with su—eriors in the
work—laceH

Foreshadowing

In literature, foreshadowing is a technixue writers use to alert readers of something

im—ortant that will ha——en in the futureH Rith assertiveness, foreshadowing is used to
warn or alert the other —erson that a —articular behavior will not be tolerated in the futureH
1etqs say you have a teammate who always turns in —roUects lateH Ws com—romise is a huge
—art of assertiveness, you understand that things come u—, making it hard for —eo—le to
meet deadlines sometimesH ’owever, they are slowly making a habit of missing deadlinesH
To solve this, you can use foreshadowing and say7
?I understand sometimes unforeseen circumstances make it hard for us to meet deadz
linesH ’owever, the neYt time youqre more than …j hours behind schedule, I will have to
take you oL this —roUectHG
The great thing about foreshadowing is it gives the other —erson a chance to get their act
together and removes some of the awkwardness that comes with .rmly asserting yourselfH

Express yourself in a positive way

Em—athic delivery is a core —art of assertivenessH Rith em—athic delivery, you understand
that the other —erson, no matter how terribly they are behaving or —erforming, has
feelings, and while the bad behavior'—erformance needs to be addressed, their feelings
need to be handled delicatelyH This is es—ecially im—ortant when you want to address
the mistakes of your subordinates or team membersH Instead of using the accusatory
J/ IW” T6’DS5CA

youzmessages and going on about what they should have done, try using the —hrases,
?hereqs an idea%G and ?hereqs a suggestion%G

Scenario One
Aour teammate Ben is eYce—tionally good at what he doesH ’owever, with this —articz
ular —roUect, Benqs messing things u—, and he doesnqt even know itH ’owever, instead of
going oL on him and using the .ngerzwagging —hrase, ?you shouldqve done this H H HG you
use em—athic delivery to correct himH Aour statement should look like this7
QBen, I understand you have —ut a lot of work into this —roUect and are rightly frustrated
that it isnqt yielding the right resultsH I would be way more frustrated if I were in your
shoesH ’owever, hereqs an idea H H HG
Rhile this tells Ben that his a——roach isnqt working, it does so in a way that —reserves
his con.dence and selfzesteemH

Play the “What If ” Game

Rhenever you want to bite down on your needs and com—romise your boundaries, I want
you to —lay a mental game of ?what ifsHG It goes like this7
Rhat if I decide to remain silent, will there be longzterm rami.cations, and will I be
able to handle themM Is the troubling situation a oneztime thing, or is it fast becoming a
habitM
Rhat If I s—eak u—, will there be consexuencesM Wre those consexuences im—licating,
or am I eYaggerating how serious they will be because I am scaredM

The ?what ifG game hel—s you weigh the —ros and cons of s—eaking u— in any situationH
“emember how we said there is a time for everything, even —assiveness, and aggressivez
nessM Rell, the ?what ifG game hel—s you .gure out which a——roach is a——ro—riate at any
—oint in timeH Rhile it may be okay to ask for a raise and use foreshadowing to inform
your boss you will not be taking on lastzminute —roUects often, it may not be okay to tell
your boss oL for giving you eYtra work during a busy work weekH

Beware the Honeymoon Stage

 T’E W“T DF ESE“A8WA W55E“TISE”E55 J$

Everyone knows about the relationshi— honeymoon stageH Rhat they do not know is that
it has a twin called the ?work—lace honeymoon stageHG (ust like its relationshi— counterz
—art, the work—lace honeymoon stage ha——ens during an em—loyeeqs early days at a workz
—laceH EYcited at .nally being —art of this organi)ation, the new em—loyee bends backward
to im—ressH They bring in coLee and cu—cakes for everyone every morning!and make a
—oint not to forget that Wngela in the corner likes glutenzfree blueberry mupns with her
chai and soy latteH They oLer to stay back late even though it is not eY—ected of them and
are xuick to volunteer to do the weirdest tasks Uust to im—ress the bossH
Rhile I understand that the early days of anything, be it a relationshi— or em—loyment,
can be .lled with anYiety, high emotions, and the allzconsuming desire to —lease, you must
tread carefullyH 8onqt introduce a vibe you cannot sustainH I know you want to im—ress
but unless you are comfortable with being the —erson that does coLee runs for the neYt
.ve years, go easy on the gesturesH

Framing EVect

The framing eLect refers to a cognitive bias that im—acts the —eo—le s decisionzmaking
abilitiesH Rith this eLect, xuestions and rexuests are structured or framed to make the
other —erson com—ly with your demandsH The framing eLect hinges on two critical
theories7
‘ ’euristics, which is the tendency of the brain to take decisionzmaking shortcuts
‘ 3ros—ect theory which is a —sychological theory of decisionzmaking develo—ed by the
—sychologist 8aniel Cahneman and Wmos Tversky in $J•J, that states humans are more
sensitive to the —ros—ect of loss than the eYcitement of gains
The framing eLect is why —eo—le are more likely to buy a —roduct that costs 9$0/ with
free delivery than a —roduct that costs 9$// with a 90/ delivery feeH It is also the reason
—eo—le are more likely to buy a dress modeled by a stunning model than one modeled by
an averagezlooking model
There are .ve ty—es of framing7
‘ Wuditory framing
‘ Sisual framing
‘ Salue framing
‘ 3ositive framing
J0 IW” T6’DS5CA

‘ ”egative framing

Auditory Frame
This refers to the diLerent tones, vocal timbres, and —itches used to —resent informaz
tion to other —eo—leH For eYam—le, —eo—le are more likely to make —urchases when accosted
by a con.dent and ha——y salesmanH The way the brain sees it, if he is this ha——y and
eYcited about the —roduct, then it must be goodH Dn the other hand, if the sales—erson
is dis—irited, overly calm, and demotivated, the customer is highly unlikely to make a
—urchaseH

Nisual Frame
This is the use of visuals to frame information in a way that makes —eo—le com—ly with
your rexuestsH Rhat do the fashion com—anies Fashion ”ova, 5hein, and 3retty 1ittle
Thing have in commonM
They sell clothes that are targeted at women in their teens to late twentiesH ’owever,
most of these out.ts are modeled by women with a s—eci.c body ty—eH This is done
deliberatelyH ”ow while youqre u— at night, sur.ng their websites and starring clothes
you feel will look great on you, something is ha——ening to your brainH Thanks to visual
framing, you start to think you would look Uust like the model in these clothes, although
the model has an hourglass .gure and youqre more slenderH Sisual framing also accounts
for why —roducts are —erceived diLerently when their colors and ad fonts are changedH

Nalue Frames
This is the framing of rexuests in a way that makes the oLer sound more valuable than
it really isH 1etqs say you go to buy some meat, and you have to —ick between two o—tionsH
Dne —ack says j/ fatzfree, and the other says ?contains 0/ fatHG
Rhich one are you likely to buyM
2hances are you would go with the .rstH RhyM Because of those decisionzmaking
shortcuts, we talked aboutH Aour brain surmises that the .rst is healthier than the second
when indeed, it is Uust the same thingH In marketing s—aces, this strategy is called the
rule of $//H The rule of $// states that any item below $// seems more a——ealing when
 T’E W“T DF ESE“A8WA W55E“TISE”E55 J4

re—resented in —ercentagesH If a —roduct costs 9-/, $/ —ercent oL is more attractive to the

customerqs mind than 9- oLH ’owever, if the —roduct is 9$///, 9$// oL sounds way more
valuable than $/ oLH
The discourse on value frames reminds me of a health thread I was following on uoraH
5omeone was talking about the bene.ts of 1o 5altH 6nlike regular table salt which is made
from 5odium 2hloride ”a2l:, 1o 5alt is made from 3otassium 2hloride C2l:H 1o salt
is believed to be better healthzwise as it is less salty than regular table saltH ’owever, it was
more eY—ensive tooH 3eo—le were raving about the bene.ts of 1o 5alt in the comments
sectionH ’owever, someone dro——ed a comment that stayed with meH ?If you want less
salty food, Uust use less table saltH It is a nozbrainerH This is Uust eY—ensive B5HG

Positive and egative Frames

5tocks are running out now

1ast chances to save
Dnly a few times left
These are a few eYam—les of negative framesH “emember the —ros—ect theory and its
—remise that we are more sensitive to losses than gainsM Rell, the negative frames engender
this urgency of im—ending loss which motivates —eo—le to make im—ulsive —urchasesH
Dn the other hand, —ositive frames are used to convince someone of the suitability of
a —roduct or serviceH For eYam—le, —eo—le are more likely to agree to a —rocedure if they
are told it has a J/ survival rateH ’owever, if they are told there is a $/ chance of death
which is essentially the same thing as a J/ chance of survival:, they would decide against
the —rocedureH
There are s—eci.c situations where both frames can be usedH ’owever, the one you
decide on using would largely de—end on whether you want to convey a sense of urgency
or subtly convince themH For eYam—le, if you were trying to market a fatzfree yogurt
alternative called ?Aoglean,G the —ositive and negative frames would look like this7
‘ Fat is bad for your healthH Aoglean is a yogurt alternative that gives all the sweetness
of yogurt without the fatH ”egative frame:H
‘ Aogurt is good for your gut healthH Aoglean is a yogurt alternative that gives all the
sweetness of yogurt without the fatH 3ositive frame:
J… IW” T6’DS5CA

In the .rst ad, they created urgency by raising the —roblem and then giving a solution
buy Aoglean:H ’owever, in the second, they made an oLer the customers cannot refuse
by —roviding a bene.t and a way to get those bene.ts buy Aoglean:H
5o how can you use these frames to be more assertive at workM
$H By s—eaking in a con.dent but warm manner auditory frame:
0H By carrying yourself con.dently and using con.dent body language visual frame:
4H By reminding them of the im—act, you have had on the com—any and its em—loyees
value frame:H “emember to use the rule of $// hereH 1etqs imagine you are asking for a
raise and need to highlight your valueH Aou can say, ?Thanks to my eLort, the com—any
observed a -/ increase in customers and a 9$///// —ro.t in the last .scal yearHG This is
more im—actful than saying I brought $/ customers and a —ro.t of $/ in the last .scal
yearH
…H By reminding them of com—any values and how you giving you a raise aligns with
those valuesH For EHgH ?Techno))le —rides itself on the enforcement of meritocracyH I assure
you that my sterling —erformance will only get better with this raise —ositive frame:
-H By reminding them of what they stand to lose if they donqt give you the raiseH EHgH
?Vy skills and work ethic have been largely formed by the Techno))le brandH Rith .ve
years of core, handszon eY—erience here, itqs safe to say here is my homeH I assure you that
my sterling —erformance will only get better with this raise ”egative frame:H ’ere, you
are reminding them of the skillset they stand to lose if you are not ha——y with the terms
of your em—loyment forthwithH

There is time for everything

There is time for everythingH

W time to sow and a time to rea—,
W time to laugh and a time to wee—H
W time to Uust watch and a time to s—eakH
Wssertiveness can be em—oweringH Wwkward at .rst but em—owering in the mid and
long termH ’owever, it is im—ortant to reali)e you do not always have to be assertiveH
There is a time for everythingH 5ometimes, current events in your work environment may
demand you work eYtra hours, weekends, or —ick u— someone elseqs slackH
 T’E W“T DF ESE“A8WA W55E“TISE”E55 J-

Wnd you know whatM Thatqs azokayN

Aou donqt need to 8EW“ VW” your boss into not giving you eYtra work on those
timesH I see assertiveness newbies making this mistake all the timeH They believe they have
to be assertive at all timesH Rhen it back.res, they run back to global —assivity, believing
they were right all along about assertiveness being badH
”o, the —roblem isnqt assertivenessH The —roblem is you think assertiveness is a shoe
that .ts all occasionsH

Summary
‘ The most talented —eo—le usually underestimate or down—lay their valuesH This is why
it is often very easy for them to be eY—loited and walked all overH 5o the .rst ste— towards
an assertive life is knowing your worthH
‘ 2alibrate your worth by checking the im—act you have had on your organi)ation
‘ 6se the 8EW“ VW” a——roach to ask for your worth
‘ o—erant conditioning is based on the —remise that we can increase or reduce the
incidence of a behavior or action by adding a consexuence
‘ 3ositive reinforcement, negative reinforcement, —ositive —unishment, and negative
—unishment are the four ty—es of o—erant conditioningH
‘ Rhile asserting yourself, you always have to .nd a way to a——eal to the —ro.tzoriented
as—ect of human natureH
‘ ”egotiate communally when negotiating raises or working conditionsH
‘ ”egotiating communally is sim—ly framing your rexuest as serving a higher commuz
nal goodH
‘ Foreshadowing is used to warn or alert the other —erson that a —articular behavior will
not be tolerated in future
‘ The great thing about foreshadowing is it gives the other —erson a chance to get
their act together and removes some of the awkwardness that comes with .rmly asserting
yourselfH
‘ 3lay the ?what ifG game to hel— you weigh the —ros and cons of s—eaking out in s—eci.c
situationsH
‘ Em—athic delivery hel—s you assert yourself and eY—ress dis—leasure in a way that is
eLective but res—ectful of the other —ersonqs feelings
‘ Be careful during the em—loyment honeymoon stage, and do not introduce a vibe
you cannot maintainH
JP IW” T6’DS5CA

‘ The framing eLect refers to a cognitive bias that im—acts the —eo—le s decisionzmaking
abilityH Rith this eLect, xuestions and rexuests are structured or framed to make the other
—erson com—ly with your demandsH
‘ The framing eLect hinges on two critical theories7 heuristics and the —ros—ect theoryH
‘ There are .ve ty—es of framing7 auditory, visual, value, —ositive and negative framingH
‘ Wuditory framing refers to the diLerent tones, vocal timbres, and —itches used to
—resent information to other —eo—leH
‘ Sisual framing is using visuals to frame information in a way that makes —eo—le
com—ly with your rexuestsH
‘ Salue framing is the framing of rexuests in a way that makes the oLer sound more
valuable than it actually isH
‘ 3ositive framing reminds the other —arty of the bene.ts they stand to gain if they
make a s—eci.c choice
‘ ”egative framing evokes a sense of urgency by reminding the other —arty of what they
stand to lose if they miss the —resented o——ortunityH
‘ Rhile assertiveness is great, in the work—lace, you do not always have to be assertiveH
 13

Conclusion

Demosthenes was born in 384 BC into the wealthy Cutler family. His father died when
he was seven, leaving him with a signicUant inheritanUe. znfortunately, his guardians
embe''led young Demosthenesk wealth, thus maping it imjossible for him to get an
eduUation bectting of a boy in his soUial Ulass.
But life was not done with Demo boy Nust yet.
To thanps to his bodily weapness and fragility, his mother would not allow him to
worp hard in the jalestro. Ahus, Demosthenes was without formal eduUation and jhysiUal
training in a time where either of these things was needed to earn a reasonable living.
znderstandably ujset at his ill luUp, Demosthenes vowed to sue one of his guardians
named Ljhobus. Gawyers werenkt a thing in 4th Uentury Lthens. Ahus anyone who
wanted to sue or ajjeal a Uase had to argue their Uase by themselves. znfortunately,
Demosthenes had a sjeeUh defeUt that the Preep historian and biograjher "lutarUh
desUribes as Ian inartiUulate and stammering jronunUiation.I ’t is safe to say that at this
joint, Demo-s life felt lipe a series of unfortunate events.
"roving he was a born selfxstarter and the diUtionary decnition of a goxgetter, Demosx
thenes studied legal rhetoriU and trained himself as an orator. ’n his underground study,
he overUame his sjeeUh defeUt by sjeaping with jebbles in his mouth, jraUtiUing before
a large mirror, and reUiting verses while running or out of breath. Lnytime he failed to
e!jress himself well during a debate, he shaved his head and pejt jraUtiUing jrivately until
his hair grew baUp.
Desjite all these, Demosthenesks crst attemjt at jubliU sjeeUh was a disaster2 His
audienUe laughed him o1 the jodium. However, as the D in Demosthenes stands for
determination, he never gave uj. Lt OV, Demosthenes won his lawsuit against Ljhobus
R8 ’LT AzHSKY9—

and two of his guardians. Ahe money he gained was so small that the viUtory almost
seemed jyrrhiU. However, he had learned so muUh about sjeaping strategy and methods
of argument?and this did not go unnotiUed. Wemember how ’ said lawyers didnkt e!ist in
old Lthensq Eell, the riUh Lthenians believed in outsourUing. Ehen they saw how spilled
in rhetoriU and argument, many began hiring Demosthenes as their logograjher or sjeeUh
writer. Yoon, Demosthenes had a retinue of wealthy, wellxjaying Ulients, enough money
to live Uomfortably on, and a fulclling Uareer.
Let that sink in.

Eithout —ouAube and online master Ulasses, a young man turned his life around through
singularity of mind and Uonstant jraUtiUe. Lnd that is how it is with assertiveness. Ehen
you start, itkll be diFUult. "eojle may laugh at your noks, may not tape you seriously, and
may try to strongxarm you into agreeing to their demands.
Lnd sometimes, they will suUUeed.
Yometimes you will say no when you mean yes, stammer when you turn down re;uests,
and agree to the most outrageous things to avoid Uon iUt. But donkt give uj. 9eej at it.
veryone has the jrojensity to be assertive, no matter how jassive and nonxassertive they
Uurrently are. Borrow a leaf from this Lthenian dijlomat and peej at it.
ind it hard to tell your roommate to Ulean uj after themselvesq Ary again tomorrow.
Did you dive into the reU room instead of going to your bossks oFUe to asp for that raiseq
Ary again tomorrow
Donkt give uj. 9eej at it. 9eej jraUtiUing?and remember, assertiveness is a Nourney,
not a destination.

One last thing before you go: Share your thoughts with a
like-minded community.

Ehat if ’ told you that your thoughts and your e!jerienUe with this boop Uould insjire
thousands of jeojleq
Howq
 AH LWA S K W—DL— LYY WA’K T YY RR

"eojle read boop reviews before deUiding whether they want to read the boop, but also
during and after.
Ehyq
BeUause we learn from one another2
YinUe you have already read the boop, why not tape 2 minutes to share what you thinp
and what you-ve learnedq
—our honest ojinion will helj and insjire others. Lnd me.
’ read each review, and I can’t wait to read yours.
Inspire Others; Share Your Honest Opinion
Weview my boop on Lma'on.Uom or Poodreads.Uom

What lies at the heart of self-improvement success?

An unshakable foundation.
—ou-re e!josed to life-s stresses everyday. Eorp, traFU Nams, bills, jollution, illness x Nust
to name a few. —ou Uan build a mental defense system that will helj you remain Ualm,
foUused, and jroduUtive.
Gearn jroven rela!ation teUhni;ues that you Uan use anywhere and anytime

Change your mental and emotional jatterns using jroven stejs and teUhni;ues.

Develoj an attitude that will drive you towards Uhange and aUhievement.

Download This eBook for FREE here:

http://www.tinyurl.com/mindfulnessgift
 Footnotes

[1] https://textamentswithanne.com/if-youre-happy-and-you-know-it-post-a-snap/#:~:text=Let%E2%80%99s%20s

ay%20you,to%20show%20it.

[2] https://psychologia.co/four-temperaments/

[3] https://psychologia.co/four-temperaments/

[4] https://www.medindia.net/patients/lifestyleandwellness/personality-types-introvert-and-extrovert.htm

[5] https://www.medindia.net/patients/lifestyleandwellness/personality-types-introvert-and-extrovert.htm

[6] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ru_dmcxQkcg

[7] https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/psychologists/what-is-triangulation-psychology/

[8] https://cbtsocal.com/common-myths-about-assertiveness/

[9] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ru_dmcxQkcg

[10] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ru_dmcxQkcg

[11] https://brand-minds.medium.com/are-women-less-assertive-than-men-in-the-workplace-5faf138963ce

[12] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ru_dmcxQkcg

[13] https://brand-minds.medium.com/are-women-less-assertive-than-men-in-the-workplace-5faf138963ce

[14] https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.2466/pr0.1982.51.3.943?journalCode=prxa

[15] https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.2466/pr0.1982.51.3.943?journalCode=prxa

[16] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ru_dmcxQkcg

[17] https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/1359432X.2015.1111338

[18] https://psycnet.apa.org/record/1977-29579-001

[19] https://cultureplusconsulting.com/2018/03/10/gender-bias-work-assertiveness-double-bind/

[20] Epictetus, Discourses, 2.5.4–5

[21] https://www.inc.com/jessica-stillman/sheryl-sandbergs-best-negotiating-advice-for-women-is-only-2-word

s-long.html
 About Author

amazon.com/author/iantuhovsky
Ian has visited more than 50 countries so far, connecting with people from all over the
globe. Sharing stories, experiences, and music with those he crossed paths with. Taking
on the role of an observer of people and reality.
He noticed that despite the cultural and language di;erences, we all strive for the same
thingsA better connections with one another and fulDllment.
jfter all, humans are social creatures. Nriven by dreams and aspirations. His dream
is to help people connect and support each other. He does this through creating music
that brings people together in Yoy, and books that teach people how to build better
relationships with others.
Ian spent more than ten years studying sociology, and investigating communication,
and mindful goal achievement.
SpeciDcally, focusing on how jOE-O’ can achieve their dreams and goals by masR
tering communication and mindfulness.
He doesnUt claim to know it all and be perfect. In fact, Ian had to overcome shyness,
communication issues, and blockages himself. ThatUs what makes his work compassionate
and realistic.
He is determined to share his knowledge and experience with as many people as posR
sible. ThatUs why he divides his time between consulting in the Human Vesources sector,
coaching, and writing.
B0! IjO TKH-1S2E

His books are relatable, educational, and entertaining. Jased on research and life exR
periences. Jound with his smooth writing style.
His publications have accumulated thousands of reviews. Veaders say that his books
are e;ective, easy to understand and simply incredible:
/oin the community of IanUs readers and start your Yourney towards a life full of
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