College students need to be activists in social justice issues like human trafficking.

Social injustice has be has been such a global issue, and one of the examples of social injustices is human
trafficking (be careful with subject verb agreement “has be”, consider adding a comma, and you should
revise some parts of the clauses to avoid structural ambiguity). Human trafficking issue It has become
such a wide spread issue that has affected alot a lot of developing countries and third world countries
because it involves an abduction of a person, usually young childrens children and women by exploiting
them to do forced labour, and sexual exploitation (avoid overused vocabularies “human trafficking and
issue” and consider using impersonal it, be careful with your spelling “a lot of”, avoid overused
vocabulary “country” as well as ineffectiveness, be careful with the use of plural noun “children”,
consider adding a conjunction “and”, and it is better to have a more complex sentence than the simple
ones, BUT you have to make sure that your ideas and arguments flow effectively). More than 2-10
million people are being human trafficked everyday every day (improper word choice “everyday”).
College students are young intellectuals that have a role not only for themselve themselves but also for
the society (be careful with your spelling “themselves”, it seems that you have JUMPING IDEAS in this
context since there is no bridging information between your arguments about human trafficking and
the role of college student towards this issue, and you MUST learn how to organize your ideas and
essay structure since all you need to do in the opening paragraph are paraphrasing the topic and
presenting state of the arts, while your main ideas should be described in the body paragraphs).

Collgege College University students have a high intellectual level with strong ideals ideas, so they their
role and function of college studehts students is are very much needed for the progess progress of a
nation or a state (be careful with your spellings “college, student and progress”, improper word choice
“ideal” and pronoun used “they”, avoid overused vocabulary “college student”, be careful with subject
verb agreement, improper word choice “state”, and you should revise some parts of the clauses to
avoid unclear ideas and ineffectiveness). The role of college students in social justices are is an
important and significant role in society because students always made make an effort to bring Due to
the fact that they bring more awareness about social injustices to other people (avoid monotonous
clause and repeated ideas about the role of college student since you have already mentioned it in the
previous statements, be careful with subject verb agreement, improper tense used, and you should
revise some parts of the clauses to avoid structural ambiguity and ineffectiveness). They also made
make an effort They can also take a part to control the conditions of what the government made the
government’s policy that is unprejudiced because these control efforts are still based on since they still
hold the idealistic values not because they were and are not influenced by political interest or pawned
by money (improper tense used, improper word choice “condition”, avoid overused vocabularies “make
and effort”, be careful with subject verb agreements in passive clause and parallel structure, and it is
better to have a more complex sentence than the simple ones, BUT you have to make sure that your
ideas and arguments flow effectively). But However, sometimes the fact is that sometimes many
students forgot many of them forget their role because their voice of control is lost because of the
influences of other things due to intervention from other parties (avoid using “but” to start a sentence
in formal writing, avoid overused vocabulary “student”, improper tense used as well as word choice
“influence”, and you should revise some parts of the clauses to avoid ineffectiveness as well as to have
good cohesion and coherence). But college students activism is still important Nevertheless, being
activists is still essential because activism helps connects with relationships building, connections and
critical thinking skills (avoid overused vocabularies “college student and activism” as well as improper
word choice “help and building”). College students activism It is also a meaning meaningful contribution
to society and it’s a great way to stay connected and up to date (avoid overused vocabularies “college
student and activism” and consider using impersonal it, improper word choice “meaning”, you should
revise some parts of the clauses to make them flow effectively, and you have to learn how to organize
your ideas and essay structure in this task, starting from paraphrasing the topic and presenting the
state of the arts regarding to your stand whether you agree or disagree with the notion in the opening
paragraph, followed by describing your main ideas and supporting them in the body paragraphs, and
ending with restating your main ideas and stand in different words in the concluding paragraph).

Notes:

Task Response: Although some of your ideas and arguments are still related to the topic, it can be
considered that your essay is not really good so that you need some improvements to make it better.
First of all, you have to learn how to organize your ideas and essay structure in this task, starting from
paraphrasing the topic and presenting the state of the arts regarding to your stand whether you
agree or disagree with the notion in the opening paragraph, followed by describing your main ideas
and supporting them in the body paragraphs, and ending with restating your main ideas and stand in
different words in the concluding paragraph. Secondly, it seems that you cannot maintain your flow of
ideas since there are a lot of unclear or even jumping ideas. At last, you have to avoid some ineffective
and monotonous clauses. Based on those comments, it is fair to say that you do not really have a good
task response in this essay.

Cohesion and Coherence: Most of your ideas and arguments do not really have good cohesion and
coherence because you have composed many ineffective, monotonous and repeated clauses.
Therefore, you need to sharpen your paraphrasing skill and learn how to use proper lexical devices
such as connectors and conjunctions.

Lexical Resource: It is essential to enrich your range of lexical resources since you still use a lot of
overused vocabularies and improper word choices, such as human trafficking, issue, country, college
student, make, effort, activism, everyday, ideal, state, condition, influence, help, building, meaning, and
so forth. Besides, you should be careful with your spelling and implementation of collocation in this
essay.

Grammatical Range and Accuracy: You need to learn English grammar more since some basic mistakes
are still found, such as tenses, subject verb agreements, passive clause, parallel structure, singular and
plural nouns, and so forth. In addition, it is better to compose more complex sentences than the simple
ones, but you have to make sure that your ideas and arguments flow effectively.

Predicted Overall Band Score : 4.0

Task response : 4.5

Cohesion and Coherence : 4.0

Lexical Resource : 3.5

Grammatical Range and Accuracy : 4.0