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CONTENTS
1
MAKING FAMILY CHOICES
IN A CHANGING SOCIETY 3
DEFINING FAMILY 4 Demographic Characteristics: Religion 18

Family Functions 5 Demographic Characteristics: Race and Ethnicity 19
Structural Family Definitions 6 A Closer Look at Diversity Immigration, Public Policy,
Postmodern: There Is No Typical Family 7 and Family Ties 20
Adapting Family Definitions to the Postmodern Family 7 Family Policy: A Family Impact Lens 21
Facts about Families American Families Today 8 THE FREEDOM AND PRESSURES
Relaxed Institutional Control over Relationship Choices: OF CHOOSING 22
“Family Decline” or “Family Change”? 9 Making Informed Decisions 23
Facts about Families Focus on Children 11 FAMILIES OF INDIVIDUALS 24
A SOCIOLOGICAL IMAGINATION: PERSONAL Families as a Place to Belong 24
TROUBLES AND SOME SOCIAL CONDITIONS Familistic (Communal) Values and Individualistic
THAT IMPACT FAMILIES 12 (Self-Fulfilment) Values 24
Ever-New Biological and Communication People as Individuals
Technologies 13 and Family Members 25
Economic Conditions 14
MARRIAGES AND FAMILIES:
Historical Periods and Events 17 FOUR THEMES 26
Demographic Characteristics: Age Structure 17
2
EXPLORING RELATIONSHIPS
AND FAMILIES 29
SCIENCE: TRANSCENDING PERSONAL THEORETICAL PERSPECTIVES ON THE

EXPERIENCE 30 FAMILY 32
The Blinders of Personal Experience 30 The Family Ecology Perspective 32
Issues for Thought Studying Families The Family Life Course Development Framework 35
and Ethnicity 31 The Structure–Functional Perspective 37
Scientific Norms 31 The Interaction-Constructionist Perspective 37
vii
viii CONTENTS
A Closer Look at Diversity Hetero-Gay Families 39 DESIGNING A SCIENTIFIC STUDY:

Exchange Theory 39 SOME BASIC PRINCIPLES 45
Family Systems Theory 40 Cross-Sectional versus Longitudinal Data 46
Conflict and Feminist Theory 41 Deductive versus Inductive Reasoning 46
The Biosocial Perspective 42 Quantitative versus Qualitative Research 46
Attachment Theory 43 Defining Terms 47
Facts about Families How Family Researchers Study Samples and Generalization 47
Religion from Various Theoretical Perspectives 44 Data-Collection Techniques 48
The Relationship between Theory and Research 44 The Ethics of Research on Families 51
3
GENDER IDENTITIES AND FAMILIES 55
OUR GENDER IDENTITIES 56 GENDER IDENTITIES IN SOCIAL

Gender Is Fluid 57 CONTEXT 69
Gender and Culture 59 Religion 69
Doing Gender: To What Extent Do Individuals Follow Government and Politics 70
Cultural Expectations? 61 Education 71
A Closer Look at Diversity Racial and Ethnic Differences Economics 72
in Gender Roles 62 GENDER AND SOCIAL CHANGE 73
GENDER SOCIALIZATION 65 Feminism and Women’s Rights 73
Gender Socialization Theories 65 Gender Today and in the Future 75
Gender Socialization—The Process 66
Following Traditional Gender Expectations
Can Be Costly 68
4
OUR SEXUAL SELVES 79
SEXUAL DEVELOPMENT AND IDENTITY 80 CHANGING CULTURAL SCRIPTS 84

Children’s Sexual Development 80 Early America: Patriarchal Sex 84
Sexual Identity 80 The Twentieth Century: The Emergence of Expressive
Sexuality 84
THEORETICAL PERSPECTIVES ON HUMAN
SEXUALITY 82 Issues for Thought Sexual Harassment and Sexual
The Exchange Perspective: Rewards, Costs, and Equality Assault in the Age of #MeToo 86
in Sexual Relationships 83 As We Make Choices Rethinking Virginity 88
The Interactionist Perspective: Negotiating Cultural The 1980s and 1990s: Challenges to Heterosexism 88
Messages 83 The Twenty-First Century: Risk, Caution—and
Intimacy 90
CONTENTS ix
Facts about Families How Do We Know What CONTEMPORARY ISSUES CONCERNING

We Know? The Kinsey Institute and Conducting SEXUALITY 97
Sexuality Research 91 Sexual infidelity 97
SEXUAL VALUES 92 Pornography 100
Sex Outside Committed Relationships 92 Sex Education 101
The Sexual Double Standard 93 Sexual Health 103
Sex within Committed Relationships 94 SEXUAL RESPONSIBILITY 104
5
LOVE AND CHOOSING
A LIFE PARTNER 109
LOVE AND COMMITMENT 110 HETEROGAMY IN RELATIONSHIPS 123

Defining Love 111 Interracial and Inter-Ethnic Unions 123
Commitment 111 Interfaith Relationships 125
Gender Differences in Love 112 Heterogamy and Relationship Quality and Stability 126
Sternberg’s Triangle Theory of Love 113 Minimizing Mate Selection Risk 126
Attachment Theory and Loving Relationships 113 MEANDERING TOWARD MARRIAGE:
Fact about Families Six Love Styles 114 DEVELOPING THE RELATIONSHIP AND
Three Things Love Is Not 114 MOVING TOWARD COMMITMENT 127
Contemporary Dating 128
MATE SELECTION: THE PROCESS
OF SELECTING A COMMITTED Dating versus “Nondating” 128
PARTNER 116 Technology and Dating 129
Arranged versus Free-Choice Marriages 116 From Dating to Commitment 130
Social Exchange 117 DATING VIOLENCE: A SERIOUS SIGN
ASSORTATIVE MATING: A FILTERING-OUT OF TROUBLE 132
PROCESS 118 THE POSSIBILITY OF BREAKING UP 133
As We Make Choices Looking for Love on the NURTURING LOVING AND COMMITTED
Internet 120 RELATIONSHIPS 134
6
NONMARITAL LIFESTYLES: LIVING ALONE,
COHABITING, AND OTHER OPTIONS 137
WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO BE SINGLE? 138 Living Apart Together 143

REASONS FOR MORE UNMARRIEDS 138 Living with Parents 144
Demographic, Economic, and Technological Changes 140 Group or Communal Living 146
Social and Cultural Changes 141 COHABITATION AND FAMILY LIFE 147
SINGLES: THEIR VARIOUS LIVING A Closer Look at Diversity The Different Meanings of
ARRANGEMENTS 142 Cohabitation for Various Race/Ethnic Groups 149
Living Alone 142 Characteristics of Cohabitors 150
x CONTENTS
Why Do People Cohabit? 150 Cohabiting Parents and Outcomes for Children 154
Cohabitation as an Alternative to Marriage 151 Cohabiting Same-Sex Couples 157
The Cohabiting Relationship 153 MAINTAINING SUPPORTIVE
As We Make Choices Some Things to Know about the SOCIAL NETWORKS AND LIFE
Legal Side of Living Together 154 SATISFACTION 158
7
MARRIAGE: FROM SOCIAL INSTITUTION
TO PRIVATE RELATIONSHIP 163
MARITAL STATUS: THE CHANGING Individualized Marriage 173

PICTURE 164 Marriage and Cohabitation Begin to Look Alike 174
Fewer Heterosexual Married Couples 164
DEINSTITUTIONALIZED MARRIAGE:
Legal Same-Sex Marriage 165 EXAMINING THE CONSEQUENCES 175
Facts about Families Legal Same-Sex Marriage as a Health, Happiness, Finances, and Child Outcomes:
Successful Social Movement 166 Does Marriage Matter? 175
THE TIME-HONORED MARRIAGE Marital Status and Poverty 175
PREMISE: PERMANENCE AND SEXUAL A Closer Look at Diversity African Americans and
EXCLUSIVITY 166 “Jumping the Broom” 176
The Expectation of Permanence 167 Additional Influences on Outcomes 176
The Expectation of Sexual Exclusivity 168 Selection versus Experience Effects 178
Issues for Thought Three Very Different Subcultures DEINSTITUTIONALIZED MARRIAGE:
with Norms Contrary to Sexual Exclusivity 169 THE POLICY DEBATE 180
FROM “YOKE MATES” TO “SOUL MATES”: Policies from the Family Decline Perspective 180
A CHANGING MARRIAGE PREMISE 170 Facts about Families The War on Poverty 181
Weakened Kinship Authority 170 Policies from the Family Change Perspective 181
Finding A Spouse on One’s Own 171 Current Policy Measures: Take-Aways from Both the
Love and Marriage 172 Decline and the Change Perspectives 181
DEINSTITUTIONALIZED MARRIAGE 172 COUPLE SATISFACTION AND CHOICES
Institutional Marriage 172 THROUGHOUT LIFE 183
Companionate Marriage 172 Preparation for Marriage 183
The First Years Together 183
8
DECIDING ABOUT PARENTHOOD 189
FERTILITY TRENDS IN THE UNITED THINGS TO CONSIDER WHEN DECIDING

STATES 190 ABOUT PARENTHOOD 193
Historical Patterns of Fertility and Family Size 191 Issues for Thought The Medicalization of Childbirth
Differential Fertility Rates by Education, Income, Race, and Caesarean Sections: Should a Delivery Be
and Ethnicity 192 Planned for Convenience? 194
CONTENTS xi
Rewards and Costs of Parenthood 196 INVOLUNTARY INFERTILITY AND

How Children Affect Couple Happiness 197 REPRODUCTIVE TECHNOLOGY 210
Choosing to Be Childfree 198 Reproductive Technology: Social and Ethical
Issues 211
HAVING CHILDREN: OPTIONS AND
Reproductive Technology: Making Personal
CIRCUMSTANCES 199
Choices 212
Timing Parenthood: Earlier versus Later 200
Having Only One Child 201 ADOPTION 213
Nonmarital Births 202 The Adoption Process 213
Single Mothers by Choice 203 A Closer Look at Diversity Through the Lens of One
Woman, Adopted Transracially in 1962 214
PREVENTING PREGNANCY 206
Transracial Adoption 215
ABORTION 206 Adoption of Older Children and Children with
The Politics of Family Planning, Contraception, and Disabilities 215
Abortion 207 International Adoptions 216
Deciding about an Abortion 209
9
RAISING CHILDREN
IN A DIVERSE SOCIETY 219
PARENTING IN TWENTY-FIRST CENTURY PARENTING AND DIVERSITY: SEXUAL

AMERICA 220 IDENTITY, RACIAL AND ETHNICITY
Parenting Challenges and Resilience 221 AND RELIGION 234
A Stress Model of Parental Effectiveness 222 Same-Sex Parents 234
The Transition to Parenthood 223 African American Parents 235
GENDER AND PARENTING 224 Issues for Thought Heteronormative Bias within the
Doing Motherhood 224 LGBTQ+ Community 236
Doing Fatherhood 225 Native American Parents 237
Hispanic Parents 237
WHAT DO CHILDREN NEED? 227
Asian American Parents 238
Infants 227
Parents of Multiracial Children 238
Preschool and School-Age Children 227
Parents in Transnational Families 239
Teenagers 227
Religious Minority Parents 239
EXPERTS ADVISE AUTHORITATIVE Raising Children of Minority Race, Ethnic, Religious, or
PARENTING 228 Gender Identity in a Prejudicial and Discriminatory
A Closer Look at Diversity Straight Parents and Society 239
LGBTQ+ Children 229 GRANDPARENTS AS PARENTS 240
Is Spanking Ever Appropriate? 230
Facts about Families Foster Parenting 241
SOCIAL CLASS AND PARENTING 230
PARENTING YOUNG ADULT CHILDREN 242
Middle- and Upper-Middle-Class Parents 230
TOWARD BETTER PARENTING 243
Working-Class Parents 232
Low-Income and Poverty-Level Parents 233
xii CONTENTS
10
WORK AND FAMILY 247
THE INTERFACE OF WORK JUGGLING EMPLOYMENT

AND FAMILY LIFE 249 AND FAMILY WORK 261
Gender and the Work–Family Interface 249 Two-Earner Families and Children’s Well-Being 261
MEN’S WORK AND FAMILY ROLES 250 Issues for Thought When One Woman’s Workplace Is
“Good Providers” and “Involved Fathers” 251 Another’s Family 262
WOMEN’S WORK AND FAMILY ROLES 253 SOCIAL POLICY, WORK, AND FAMILY 263
Women in the Labor Force 253 What Are the Issues? 263
Women’s Occupations 253 What’s Needed to Address the Issues? 264
The Female–Male Wage Gap 254 Facts about Families Selecting a Childcare Facility—Ten
Stay-at-Home Moms 255 Considerations How to go about Choosing a Day Care
Facility? 267
TWO-EARNER PARTNERSHIPS AND
WORK–FAMILY OPTIONS 256 As We Make Choices Self-Care (Home Alone)
Two-Career Partnerships 256 Kids 268
Working Part-Time 256 Who Will Provide What’s Needed to Meet the
Shift Work and Variations 256 Challenges? 269
Doing Paid Work at Home 257 Family-Friendly Workplace Policies and Unintended
Consequences 270
UNPAID FAMILY WORK 257
THE TWO-EARNER COUPLE’S
Household Labor 258
RELATIONSHIP 270
Why Do Women Do More Household Labor? 259
Fairness and Couple Happiness 271
Diversity and Household Labor 260
11
COMMUNICATION IN RELATIONSHIPS,
MARRIAGES, AND FAMILIES 275
FAMILY COHESION AND CONFLICT 276 Facts about Families Ten Rules for Successful
Characteristics of Cohesive Families 277 Relationships 283
Children, Family Cohesion, STRESS, COPING, AND CONFLICT IN
and Unresolved Conflict 278 RELATIONSHIPS 284
As We Make Choices Communicating with Children— Conflict among Happy Couples 284
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Indirect Expressions of Anger 285
Talk 280
JOHN GOTTMAN’S RESEARCH ON
COMMUNICATION AND RELATIONSHIP COUPLE COMMUNICATION AND CONFLICT
SATISFACTION 281 MANAGEMENT 285
Affection and Antagonism 281 The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse 286
Communicate Positive Feelings 282 Positive vs. Negative Affect 287
CONTENTS xiii
GENDER DIFFERENCES Guideline 6: Address a Specific Issue, Ask for a Specific

IN COMMUNICATION 287 Change, and Be Open to Compromise 295
WORKING THROUGH CONFLICTS IN Guideline 7: Be Willing to Change Yourself 295
POSITIVE WAYS—TEN GUIDELINES 290 Guideline 8: Don’t Try to Win 295
Guideline 1: Express Anger Directly and with Guideline 9: Practice Forgiveness 295
Kindness 290 Guideline 10: End the Argument 296
Guideline 2: Check Out Your Interpretation of Others’ Relationship and Family Counseling 296
Behaviors 291
TALK TO A STRANGER:
Issues for Thought Digital Communication and the THE IMPORTANCE
Rise of Social Media 292 OF “OUTSIDE OTHERS” 297
Guideline 3: To Avoid Attacks, Use “I” Statements 294 IMPROVING COMMUNICATION, SETTING
Guideline 4: Avoid Mixed, or Double, Messages 294 BOUNDARIES, AND TAKING CARE OF
Guideline 5: When You Can, Choose the Time and Place YOURSELF 299
Carefully 294 When Is It Okay to Let Go? 300
12
POWER AND VIOLENCE
IN FAMILIES 305
WHAT IS POWER? 306 The Incidence of Intimate Partner Violence (IPV) 316
Power Bases 306 Correlates of Family Violence 316
THE RESOURCE HYPOTHESIS: A CLASSICAL GENDER AND INTIMATE PARTNER VIOLENCE
PERSPECTIVE ON MARITAL POWER 308 (IPV) 317
Resources and Gender 308 Situational Couple Violence 318
Resources in Cultural Context 308 Coercive Controlling Violence 319
CURRENT RESEARCH ON COUPLE Facts about Families Signs of Coercive control 320
POWER 308 Male Victims of Heterosexual Terrorism 323
Decision-making 308 Abuse among Same-Gender, Bisexual, and Transgender
Division of Household Labor 309 Couples 324
Money Allocation 309 VIOLENCE AGAINST CHILDREN—CHILD
Ability to Influence the Other 310 MALTREATMENT 324
Diversity and Marital Power 310 Neglect and Abuse 325
A Closer Look at Diversity Mobile Phones, Migrant How Extensive Is Child Maltreatment? 326
Mothers, and Conjugal Power 311 SIBLING VIOLENCE 327
POWER POLITICS VERSUS FREELY CHILD-TO-PARENT VIOLENCE 328
COOPERATIVE RELATIONSHIPS 312
STOPPING FAMILY VIOLENCE 328
As We Make Choices Domination and Submission
Separating Victim from Perpetrator 328
in Couple Communication Patterns 313
THE CRIMINAL JUSTICE RESPONSE 328
FAMILY VIOLENCE 314
The Therapeutic Approach 329
IPV Data Sources 314
Macro or Structural Approaches 330
Facts about Families Major Sources of Family-Violence
Data 315
xiv CONTENTS
13
FAMILY STRESS, CRISIS,
AND RESILIENCE 335
DEFINING FAMILY STRESS, CRISIS, FAMILY STRESS, CRISIS, ADJUSTMENT,

AND RESILIENCE 336 AND ADAPTATION: A THEORETICAL
Individual Stress 336 MODEL 351
Family Stress 337 Stressor Pileup 351
Facts about Families Stress and Children 338
Appraising the Situation 352
Crisis-Meeting Resources 353
THEORETICAL PERSPECTIVES ON FAMILY
STRESS AND CRISES 339 MEETING CRISES CREATIVELY 354
A Closer Look at Diversity Young Caregivers 340
A Positive Outlook 354
Spiritual Values and Support Groups 355
WHAT PRECIPITATES A FAMILY CRISIS? 341
Open, Supportive Communication 355
Types of Stressors 341
Adaptability 355
Issues for Thought Caring for Patients at Home—A Informal Social Support 355
Family Stressor 345
An Extended Family 356
Facts about Families FADHD, Autism, Stigma, and Community Resources 357
Stress 346
Issues for Thought When a Parent Is
Stressor Overload 348
in Prison 358
THE COURSE OF A FAMILY CRISIS 348
CRISIS: DISASTER OR OPPORTUNITY? 359
THE PERIOD OF DISORGANIZATION 349
Recovery 350
14
DIVORCE AND RELATIONSHIP
DISSOLUTION 363
TODAY’S DIVORCE RATE 364 High Expectations for Marriage 369

The Divorce Divide 365 Interpersonal Dynamics 370
Starter Marriages and Silver Divorces 365 WHY IS THE DIVORCE RATE DROPPING? 370
Divorce among Gay and Lesbian Couples 366
THINKING ABOUT DIVORCE: WEIGHING THE
Redivorce 366 ALTERNATIVES 370
WHY DID THE DIVORCE RATE RISE IN THE “What’s Stopping Me?” Barriers to Divorce 370
TWENTIETH CENTURY? 367 “Would I Be Happier?” Alternatives to the Marriage 371
Demographic Factors 367 “Can This Marriage Be Saved?” Rewards of the Current
Economic Factors 368 Marriage 371
Weakening Social, Moral, and Legal Constraints 369 Other Solutions to Marital Distress 372
CONTENTS xv
GETTING THE DIVORCE 373 THE SOCIAL AND EMOTIONAL

The “Black Box” of Divorce 373 CONSEQUENCES OF DIVORCE 380
Initiating a Divorce 373 Consequences for Women and Men 380
Legal Aspects of Divorce 373 How Divorce Affects Children 381
Divorce Mediation 373 The “Child of Divorce” Perspective 381
Divorce “Fallout” 374 CHILD-CUSTODY ISSUES 385
THE ECONOMIC CONSEQUENCES The Residential Parent 386
OF DIVORCE 376 The Visiting Parent 386
Consequences for Children: Single-Parent Families Joint Custody 388
and Poverty 376
STYLES OF PARENTAL RELATIONSHIPS
Economic Losses for Women 377 AFTER DIVORCE 390
Economic Losses for Men 378
IMPROVING DIVORCE OUTCOMES 391
Child Support 378
As We Make Choices Rules for Successful
Co-Parenting 392
15
REMARRIAGES AND STEPFAMILIES 397
DEFINING AND MEASURING DAY-TO-DAY LIVING IN STEPFAMILIES 409

STEPFAMILIES 398 Challenges to Developing a Stepfamily Identity 409
What Makes a Stepfamily? 398 A Closer Look at Diversity Do You Speak Stepfamily? 410
Issues for Thought What Makes a Stepfamily? 399 The Stepfamily System 411
Various Types of Stepfamilies 399 Stepfamily Roles 413
Perceptions of Stepfamilies: Stereotypes and Stigmas 404 Stepfamily Relationships 416
CHOOSING PARTNERS THE NEXT TIME 405 Financial and Legal Issues 418
Dating with Children 405 WELL-BEING IN STEPFAMILIES 421
What Kinds of People Become Stepparents? 406 The Well-Being of Parents and Stepparents 421
Second Weddings 406 The Well-Being of Children 422
HAPPINESS, SATISFACTION, AND STABILITY CREATING SUPPORTIVE STEPFAMILIES 423
IN REMARRIAGE 407
16
AGING AND MULTIGENERATIONAL
FAMILIES 429
OUR AGING POPULATION 430 LIVING ARRANGEMENTS OF OLDER

Aging Baby Boomers 431 AMERICANS 433
Longer Life Expectancy 431 As We Make Choices Want to Call or Visit
Racial and Ethnic Composition of the Older American an Isolated Senior? 434
Population 432 Racial and Ethnic Differences in Older Americans’ Living
Older Americans and the Diversity of Family Forms 432 Arrangements 434
xvi CONTENTS
Gender Differences in Older Americans’ Living As We Make Choices Tips for Step-Grandparents 444
Arrangements 434 Facts about Families Community Resources for Elder
AGING IN TODAY’S ECONOMY 435 Care 445
Retirement? 436 Issues for Thought Filial Responsibility Laws 446
Gender Issues and Older Women’s Adult Children as Elder Care Providers 446
Finances 437 Gender Differences in Providing Elder Care 447
RELATIONSHIP SATISFACTION The Sandwich Generation 448
IN LATER LIFE 437 Elder Care—Joy, Ambivalence, Reluctance, and
Sexuality in Later Life 437 Conflict 448
LATER-LIFE DIVORCE, WIDOWHOOD, Racial and Ethnic Diversity and Family Elder Care 450
AND REPARTNERING 438 ELDER ABUSE AND NEGLECT 450
Widowhood and Widowerhood 438 Elder Maltreatment by Family Members 451
Aging and Repartnering 439 Two Models to Explain Elder Abuse 451
MULTIGENERATIONAL TIES: OLDER THE CHANGING AMERICAN FAMILY AND
PARENTS, ADULT CHILDREN, ELDER CARE IN THE FUTURE 452
AND GRANDCHILDREN 439
Same-Sex Families and Elder Care 453
Older Parents and Adult Children 439
TOWARD BETTER CAREGIVING 453
Grandparenthood 441
The Private Face of Family Caregiving 454
AGING FAMILIES AND CAREGIVING 443
The Public Face of Family Caregiving 454
Glossary 458
References 468
Name Index 560
Subject Index 575
BOXES
A Closer Look at Diversity

Immigration, Public Policy, and Family Ties 20 Through the Lens of One Woman, Adopted Transracially
Hetero-Gay Families 39 in 1962 214
Racial and Ethnic Differences in Gender Roles 62 Straight Parents and LGBTQ+ Children 229
The Different Meanings of Cohabitation for Various Race/ Mobile Phones, Migrant Mothers, and Conjugal Power 311
Ethnic Groups 149 Young Caregivers 340
African Americans and “Jumping the Broom” 176 Do You Speak Stepfamily? 410
As We Make Choices
Rethinking Virginity 88 Domination and Submission in Couple Communication
Looking for Love on the Internet 120 Patterns 313
Some Things to Know about the Legal Side of Living Rules for Successful Co-Parenting 392
Together 154 Want to Call or Visit an Isolated Senior? 434
Self-Care (Home Alone) Kids 268 Tips for Step-Grandparents 444
Communicating with Children—How to Talk So Kids Will
Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk 280
Facts about Families

American Families Today 8 Foster Parenting 241
Focus on Children 11 Selecting a Childcare Facility—Ten Considerations How to
How Family Researchers Study Religion from Various go about Choosing a Day Care Facility? 267
Theoretical Perspectives 44 Ten Rules for Successful Relationships 283
How Do We Know What We Know? The Kinsey Institute Major Sources of Family-Violence Data 315
and Conducting Sexuality Research 91 Signs of Coercive control 320
Six Love Styles 114 Stress and Children 338
Legal Same-Sex Marriage as a Successful Social FADHD, Autism, Stigma, and Stress 346
Movement 166 Community Resources for Elder Care 445
The War on Poverty 181
Issues for Thought

Studying Families and Ethnicity 31 Heteronormative Bias within the LGBTQ+ Community 236
Sexual Harassment and Sexual Assault in the Age When One Woman’s Workplace Is Another’s Family 262
of #MeToo 86 Digital Communication and the Rise of Social Media 292
Three Very Different Subcultures with Norms Contrary Caring for Patients at Home—A Family Stressor 345
to Sexual Exclusivity 169 When a Parent Is in Prison 358
The Medicalization of Childbirth and Caesarean Sections: What Makes a Stepfamily? 399
Should a Delivery Be Planned for Convenience? 194
Filial Responsibility Laws 446
xvii
PREFACE
As we complete our work on the fourteenth edition seen the images of young people partying on the beach
of this text, we become aware of how suddenly society during Spring Break in the midst of social distancing.
and family life can change. If ever there was a dramatic Will this divide affect family life? And if so, in what
example of how the social environment affects per- ways? Moreover, unfortunately we’re hearing about
sonal and family life, the global pandemic Covid-19 domestic violence during quarantine. An example is
has unfortunately provided it. We had finished revising Wendy Patrick’s (J.D., Ph.D.) article in the March 19,
much of this edition before Covid-19 changed life as we 2020, online Psychology Today blog, “Domestic Abuse
knew it. By the time we were finishing our revision of During Quarantine: When the Threat is Inside, What
Chapter 16, however, the virus had quieted cities and Victims Trapped at Home with an Abuser Need to
overwhelmed hospitals. We recognize the pandemic in Know” (psychologytoday.com).
Chapter 16 with a new box, “As We Make Choices: Want How might theory and research on family stress and
to Call or Visit an Isolated Senior?” crisis—which assuredly this pandemic causes!—help us
So many questions and hypotheses come to mind to understand what’s going on in ourselves, our families,
regarding how Covid-19 is likely to impact families. We, our communities, and our world? What can research
your authors, are already beginning to think about how findings tell us about what helps families to pull together
this monumental pandemic will impact the content of during a crisis such as this? How might Covid-19 impact
future editions. We imagine that Covid-19 will focus the divorce rate? On the one hand, stress puts added
greater attention on what family means to us as well as strain on couple relationships, and couples with poor
on the critical importance of traditional family func- relationship quality who are forced together for months
tions such as raising children and providing practical may realize they should not stay together. On the other
and social support to family members. How will Covid-19 hand, couples under mandatory quarantine may redis-
impact families’ motivation and ability to perform these cover what they love about each other and may count
functions? In what ways might we expect family theory their blessings in an uncertain world. This remains to
and research respond to Covid-19? Will this pandemic be seen. On another front, in what ways does Covid-19
affect our choices about our preferred family forms? impact aging families, their younger relatives, and care-
Will people be more likely to marry than to cohabit, for givers? We were nearly finished revising Chapter 16
instance? Or will their decisions go in other directions? when this pandemic broke out and had time to write a
How might parenting concerns, issues, and behaviors box relating to this unprecedented Covid-19 outbreak:
change? What about the work–family interface? How do “As We Make Choices: Want to Call or Visit an Isolated
families fare when one or more family members sud- Senior?”
denly begin working from home? Or later, when home- Covid-19 aside, we authors look back with pride over
based workers return to work? thirteen earlier editions. Together, these represent
How will mandatory quarantines affect romantic rela- more than forty years spent observing and rethinking
tionships? It was only a matter of time before research- American families. Not only have families dramatically
ers would look into the impact of Covid-19 on sex. changed since we began our first edition but also has
Only weeks after the virus, psychologist Jessica Zucker social science’s interpretation of family life. It is gratify-
explored this in “Health, Sex and Coronavirus: How ing to be a part of the enterprise dedicated to studying
Does Sexual Intimacy Change During a Pandemic?” In families and sharing this knowledge with students.
an Instagram poll, whereas 50 percent of respondents Our own perspective on families has developed and
said their sex life had improved, 50 percent said their changed as well. Indeed, as marriages and families have
sex life had worsened—the “six feet apart rule” would evolved over the last four decades, so has this text. In the
make sex difficult to achieve for those not already living beginning, this text was titled Marriages and Families—a
with a partner. It’s important to point out, however, that title that was the first to purposefully use plurals to rec-
the research on “baby booms” following natural disas- ognize the diversity of family forms—a diversity that we
ters, such black-outs and hurricanes, is mostly mythol- noted as early as 1980. Now the text is titled Marriages,
ogy. In general, people avoid bringing children into the Families, and Relationships. We added the term relation-
world when economic times are uncertain. ships to recognize the increasing incidence of individu-
Then too, how might family power relations change? als forming commitments outside of legal marriage. At
We’re seeing a divide between how older Americans view the same time, we continue to recognize and appreci-
this pandemic and how a number of young adults per- ate the fact that a large majority of Americans—now
ceive the danger and what it requires of them. We’ve all including same-sex couples—are married or will marry.
xix
xx P R E FAC E
Hence, we consciously persist in giving due attention now, as it has been from the first edition, is to help
to the values and issues of married couples. Of course, students question assumptions and reconcile conflict-
the concept of marriage itself has changed appreciably. ing ideas and values as they make choices throughout
No longer necessarily heterosexual, marriage is now an their lives. We enjoy and benefit from the contact we’ve
institution to which same-sex couples across the United had with faculty and students who have used this book.
States and in a growing number of other nations have Their enthusiasm and criticism have stimulated many
legal access. changes in the book’s content. To know that a support-
Meanwhile, the book’s subtitle, Making Choices in a ive audience is interested in our approach to the study
Diverse Society, continues to speak about the significant of families has enabled us to continue our work over a
changes that have taken place since our first edition. long period.
To help accomplish our goal of encouraging students
to better appreciate the diversity of today’s families,
we present the latest research and statistical informa- THE BOOK’S THEMES
tion on varied family forms (including those with
lesbian, gay, transgender, and other non-cisgender fam-
We developed the book’s themes by looking at the
ily members) and families of diverse race and ethnicity,
interplay between findings in the social sciences and
socioeconomic, and immigration status, among other
the experiences of the people around us. Ideas for top-
variables.
ics continue to emerge, not only from current research
We continue to take account not only of increasing
and reliable journalism, but also from the needs and
racial and ethnic diversity but also of the fluidity of the
concerns we perceive among our own family members,
concepts race and ethnicity themselves. We pay attention
students, and friends. The attitudes, behaviors, and
to the socially constructed nature of these concepts. We
relationships of real people have a complexity that we
integrate these materials on family diversity through-
have tried to portray. Interwoven with these themes
out the textbook, always with an eye toward avoiding
is the concept of the life course—the idea that adults
stereotypical and simplistic generalizations and instead
may change by means of reevaluating and restructuring
explaining data in sociological and sociohistorical con-
throughout their lives. This emphasis on the life course
texts. Interested from the beginning in the various
creates a comprehensive picture of marriages, families,
ways that gender plays out in families, we have persis-
and relationships and encourages us to continue to add
tently focused on areas in which gender relations have
topics that are new to family texts. Meanwhile, this book
changed and continue to change, as well as on areas in
makes these points:
which there has been relatively little change.
In addition to our attention to gender, we have stud- ●● People’s personal problems and their interaction
ied demography and history, and we have paid increas- with the social environment change as they and
ing attention to the impact of social structure on family their relationships and families grow older.
life. We have highlighted the family ecology perspective ●● People reexamine their relationships and their
in keeping with the importance of social context and expectations for relationships as they and their mar-
public policy. We cannot help but be aware of the cul- riages, relationships, and families mature.
tural and political tensions surrounding families today. ●● Because family forms are more flexible today,
At the same time, in recent editions and in response
people may change the type or style of their rela-
to our reviewers, we have given heightened attention
tionships and families throughout their lives.
to the contributions of biology and psychology and to
a social psychological understanding of family interac- These themes appear throughout this text: People are
tion and its consequences. influenced by the society around them as they make
We continue to affirm the power of families as they choices, social conditions change in ways that may
influence the courses of individual lives. Meanwhile, we impede or support family life, there is an interplay
give considerable attention to policies needed to pro- between individual families and the larger society, and
vide support for today’s families: working parents, fami- individuals make family-related choices throughout
lies in financial stress, single-parent families, families adulthood.
of varied racial and ethnic backgrounds, stepfamilies, The process of creating and maintaining marriages,
same-sex couples, and other nontraditional families— families, and relationships requires many personal
as well as the classic nuclear family. choices; people continue to make family-related deci-
We note that, despite changes, marriage and family sions, both big and small, throughout their lives. Mak-
values continue to be salient in contemporary American ing decisions about family life begins in early adulthood
life. Our students come to a marriage and family course and lasts into old age. People choose whether they will
because family life is important to them. Our aim adhere to traditional beliefs, values, and attitudes about
P R E FAC E xxi
gender roles or negotiate more flexible roles and rela- partners. In the absence of firm cultural models, they
tionships. They may rethink their values about sex and choose how they will define remarriage and stepfamily
become more informed and comfortable with their relationships.
sexual choices. When families encounter crises—and every family
Women and men may choose to remain single, to will face some crises—members must make additional
form heterosexual or same-sex relationships outside of decisions. Will they view each crisis as a challenge to be
marriage, or to marry. They have the option today of met, or will they blame one another? What resources
staying single longer before marrying. Single people can they use to handle the crisis? Then, too, as more
make choices about their lives ranging from decisions and more Americans live longer, families will “age.” As
about living arrangements to those about whether to a result, more and more Americans will have not only
engage in sex only in marriage or committed relation- living grandparents but also great grandparents. And
ships, to engage in sex for recreation, or to abstain increasingly, we will face issues concerning giving—and
from sex altogether. Many unmarried individuals live receiving—family elder care.
as cohabiting couples, often with children. Once indi- In the past, people tended to emphasize the dutiful
viduals form couple relationships, they have to decide performance of social roles in marriages and families
how they are going to structure their lives as commit- for others. Today, people view committed relationships
ted partners. Will they have children? Will other family as those in which they expect to find companionship,
members live with them—siblings or parents, for exam- intimacy, and emotional support for themselves. From
ple, or adult children later? its first edition, this book has examined the implications
Couples will make these decisions not once, but over of this shift and placed these implications within social
and over during their lifetimes. Within a committed scientific perspective. Individualism, economic pres-
relationship, partners also choose how they will deal sure, time pressures, social diversity, and an awareness
with conflict. Will they try to ignore conflicts? Will they of committed relationships’ potential impermanence
vent their anger in hostile, alienating, or physically vio- are features of the social context in which personal deci-
lent ways? Or will they practice supportive ways of com- sion making takes place. With each edition, we recog-
municating, disagreeing, and negotiating—ways that nize again that, as fewer social guidelines remain fixed,
emphasize sharing and can deepen intimacy? personal decision making becomes both more open
How will the partners distribute power in the mar- and perhaps more challenging.
riage? Will they work toward relationships in which An emphasis on knowledgeable decision making
each family member is more concerned with helping does not mean that individuals can completely con-
and supporting others than with gaining a power advan- trol their lives. People can influence but never directly
tage? How will the partners allocate work responsibili- determine how those around them behave or feel about
ties in the home? What value will they place on their them. Partners cannot control one another’s changes
sexual lives together? Throughout their experience, over time, and they cannot avoid all accidents, illnesses,
family members continually face decisions about how to unemployment, separations, or deaths. Society-wide
balance each one’s need for individuality with the need conditions may create unavoidable crises for individ-
for togetherness. ual families. However, families can control how they
Parents also have choices. In raising their children, respond to such crises. Their responses will meet their
they can choose the authoritative parenting style, for own needs better when they refuse to react automati-
example, in which parents take an active role in respon- cally and choose instead to act as a consequence of
sibly guiding and monitoring their children. However, knowledgeable decision making.
how much guidance is too much? At what point do Tension frequently exists between individuals and
involved parents become over involved parents—that is, their social environment. Many personal troubles result
“helicopter parents”? from societal influences, values, or assumptions; inad-
Many partners face decisions about whether to sep- equate societal support for family goals; and conflict
arate or divorce. They weigh the pros and cons, ask- between family values and individual values. By under-
ing themselves which is the better alternative: living standing some of these possible sources of tension
together as they are or separating? Even when a couple and conflict, individuals can perceive their personal
decides to separate or divorce, there are further deci- troubles more clearly and work constructively toward
sions to make: Will they cooperate as much as possible solutions. They may choose to form or join groups to
or insist on blame and revenge? What living and eco- achieve family goals. They may become involved in the
nomic support arrangements will work best for them- political process to develop state or federal social policy
selves and their children? How will they handle the legal that is supportive of families. The accumulated deci-
process? The majority of divorced individuals eventually sions of individuals and families also shape the social
face decisions about forming relationships with new environment.
xxii P R E FAC E
KEY FEATURES diversity—for example, “African Americans and ‘Jump-

ing the Broom,’” “Diversity and Childcare,” “Family
Ties and Immigration,” “Straight Parents and LGBTQ+
With its ongoing, thorough updating and inclusion of
Children,” and “ Do You Speak Stepfamily?” among
current research and its emphasis on students’ being
others.
able to make choices in an increasingly diverse society,
this book has become a principal resource for gaining Issues for Thought These features are designed to spark
insights into today’s marriages, relationships, and fam- students’ critical thinking and discussion. As an exam-
ilies. Over the past twelve editions, we have had four ple, the Issues for Thought box in Chapter 16 explores
goals in mind for student readers: first, to help them “Filial Responsibility Laws” and encourages students to
better understand themselves and their family situa- consider what might be the benefits and drawbacks of
tions; second, to make students more conscious of the legally mandating filial responsibility. The box “When
personal decisions that they will make throughout their One Woman’s Workplace Is Another’s Family” invites
lives and of the societal influences that affect those deci- students to consider how women’s work differs across
sions; third, to help students better appreciate the vari- social class, race and ethnicity, and immigration status.
ety and diversity among families today; and fourth, to
Facts about Families This feature presents demo-
encourage them to recognize the need for structural,
graphic and other factual information on focused top-
social policy support for families. To these ends, this
ics such as “How Family Researchers Study Religion
text has become recognized for its accessible writing
from Various Theoretical Perspectives,” “The Changing
style, up-to-date research, well-written features, and use-
Language of Gender,” on “Researching at the Kinsey
ful chapter learning aids.
Institute,” on “Legal Same-Sex Marriage as a Successful
Social Movement,” and on “Foster Parenting,” among
Up-to-Date Research and Statistics others.
As users have come to expect, we have thoroughly
updated the text’s research base and statistics, empha- Chapter Learning Aids
sizing cutting-edge research that addresses the diversity
A series of chapter learning aids help students compre-
of marriages and families, as well as all other topics. In
hend and retain the material.
accordance with this approach, users will notice several
new tables and figures. Revised tables and figures have ●● Each chapter begins with a list of learning objectives
been updated with the latest available statistics—data specifically formulated for that chapter.
from the U.S. Census Bureau and other governmental ●● Chapter Summaries are presented in bulleted,
agencies, as well as survey and other research data. point-by-point lists of the key material in the
chapter.
Box Features ●● Key Terms alert students to the key concepts pre-
The several themes described earlier are reflected in sented in the chapter. A full glossary is provided at
the special features. the end of the text.
Former users will recognize our box features. ●● Questions for Review and Reflection help students
The following sections describe our four feature box review the material. Thought questions encourage
categories: students to think critically and to integrate material
from other chapters with that presented in the cur-
As We Make Choices We highlight the theme of mak- rent one. In every chapter, one of these questions
ing choices with a group of boxes throughout the text— is a policy question. This practice is in line with our
for example, “Rethinking Virginity,” “Ten Rules for a goal of moving students toward structural analyses
Successful Relationship,” “Disengaging from Power regarding marriages, families, and relationships.
Struggles,” “Selecting a Childcare Facility—Ten Con-
siderations,” “Rules for Successful Co-Parenting,” “Tips
for Step-Grandparents, and” “Want to Call or Visit an KEY CHANGES IN THIS EDITION
Isolated Senior?”
These feature boxes emphasize human agency and
In addition to incorporating the latest available research
are designed to help students through crucial decisions.
and statistics—and in addition to carefully review-
A Closer Look at Diversity In addition to integrating every word in the book—we note that this edition
ing information on cultural and ethnic diversity includes many key changes, some of which are outlined
throughout the text proper, we have a series of fea- here. We have worked to make chapter length more
tures that give focused attention to instances of family uniform throughout the text.
P R E FAC E xxiii
We are streamlining the material presented when- of the famous Kinsey Institute and discuss the ethics
ever possible and to ensuring a good flow of ideas. In of conducting sexuality research. Finally, we provide
this edition, we continue to consolidate similar mate- updated statistics on sexual behavior, infidelity, HIV/
rial that had previously been addressed in separate AIDS, and pornography use.
chapters. Meanwhile, we have substantially revised each Chapter 5, Love and Choosing a Life Partner,
and every chapter. Every chapter is updated with the increases attention to defining love in all its forms and,
latest statistics and research throughout. Now that same- in particular, the limitations of American’s Society’s
sex marriage is legal throughout the United States, we undue focus on romantic love. We continue to examine
continue to conscientiously revisit all our chapters to the changing nature of dating in the United States, not
make sure we’re in line with this major family change. only in terms of new dating patterns, but also dating
We mention some (but not all!) specific and important preferences, such as urban versus rural residence, polit-
changes here. ical ideology, race, and religion. In addition, we draw
Chapter 1, Making Family Choices in a Changing increased attention to the heteronormative bias in love
Society, continues to present the choices and life course and dating and include more information on LGBTQ+
themes of the book, as well as points to the significance couples and gender inequality in relationships. We
for the family of larger social forces. Figure 1.1 is new draw attention to arranged marriages, child marriage,
with data on where Americans find meaning. HINT: and transnational marriages in the United States. We
their families. Figure 1.3 is new as well. All the boxes provide new information on what is known about the
have been reworked. We paid special attention to link between cohabitation, marital quality, and divorce.
rethinking and reworking the Closer Look at Diversity Chapter 6, Nonmarital Lifestyles: Living Alone,
box in Chapter 1, with updated treatment of immigra- Cohabiting, and Other Options, discusses demographic,
tion due to the immigration crisis at our southern bor- economic, technological, and cultural reasons for the
der. As faculty users, students, and casual readers have increasing proportion of unmarrieds, with updated
come to expect, all research and statistics are conscien- statistics on unmarried men and women in America.
tiously updated. This goes for the entire book. New to this edition is a discussion of generational dif-
Chapter 2, Exploring Relationships and Families, ferences in attitudes about the advantages and disad-
continues to portray the integral relationship between vantages of being single, integrating the attitudes of the
family theories and methods for researching families, youngest generation of Americans, Gen Z, who are just
with new examples designed to better drive home the now reaching young adulthood and who have a wide
theoretical perspectives. Examples in the research array of lifestyles available to them. We have expanded
section of this chapter include more recognition that our discussion of the transition to adulthood, which in
major surveys are conducted globally, not just in the these tough economic times has continued to lengthen,
United States. and is responsible for part of the increase in multi-
Chapter 3, Gender Identities and Families, contin- generational households we are seeing.
ues to reflect evolving and expanding understandings Chapter 7, Marriage: From Social Institution to Private
of gender and sexual identity as fluid and non-binary, Relationship, has been thoroughly updated in accor-
driving by the more progressive attitudes of Millennials dance with developments after the 2015 legalization
and Gen Z. We introduce and define a variety of new of same-sex marriage and also with new statistics and
terms related to gender and sexuality and discuss, for research findings. This chapter explores the changing
example, how states are facing political pressure to pro- picture regarding marriage, noting that cohabitation
vide more gender options on birth certificates. We note may now be becoming more similar to marriage than
challenges to toxic masculinity and increased represen- it used to be as more couples choose to cohabit. We
tation of women in politics. review the social science debate regarding whether this
Chapter 4, Our Sexual Selves, continues its explora- changing picture represents family change or decline.
tion into the range of sexual attitudes and behavior that We thoroughly explore the selection hypothesis versus
exists in American society with special focus on gender the experience hypothesis with regard to the benefits of
differences, culture, history, politics, and technology. marriage known from research.
Notable since the last edition is the #MeToo Movement Chapter 8, Deciding about Parenthood, continues its
and women increasingly challenging previously taken- focus on the complex process through which couples
for-granted behaviors of men, such as sexual harassment have children and different infertility patterns by race,
and even sexual assault. In this chapter we broaden our ethnicity, class, religion, sexual identity and other vari-
discussion of consent, bystander education, and dispel ables. We provide data on the rising costs of children
myths about sexual assault. With increased attention to with a special focus on childcare. We also have expanded
fluidity in sexual identity and behavior, we discuss the our discussion of the social and emotional costs of chil-
question of what it means to be a virgin. We take a tour dren, which has led to an increased number of women
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BOOK II
ESSAYS IN PRACTICAL EDUCATION
CHAPTER I
THE PHILOSOPHER AT HOME

“He has such a temper, ma’am!”
And there, hot, flurried, and, generally at her wits’ end, stood the
poor nurse at the door of her mistress’s room. The terrific bellowing
which filled the house was enough to account for the maid’s distress.
Mrs. Belmont looked worried. She went up wearily to what she well
knew was a weary task. A quarter of an hour ago life had looked
very bright—the sun shining, sparrows chirping, lilac and laburnum
making a gay show in the suburban gardens about; she thought of
her three nestlings in the nursery, and her heart was like a singing-
bird giving out chirps of thanks and praise. But that was all changed.
The outside world was as bright as ever, but she was under a cloud.
She knew too well how those screams from the nursery would spoil
her day.
There the boy lay, beating the ground with fists and feet; emitting
one prodigious roar after another, features convulsed, eyes
protruding, in the unrestrained rage of a wild creature, so
transfigured by passion that even his mother doubted if the noble
countenance and lovely smile of her son had any existence beyond
her fond imagination. He eyed his mother askance through his
tumbled, yellow hair, but her presence seemed only to aggravate the
demon in possession. The screams were more violent; the beating of
the ground more than ever like a maniac’s rage.
“Get up, Guy.”
Renewed screams; more violent action of the limbs!
“Did you hear me, Guy?” in tones of enforced calmness.
The uproar subsided a little, but when Mrs. Belmont laid her hand
on his shoulder to raise him, the boy sprang to his feet, ran into her,
head-foremost, like a young bull, kicked her, beat her with his fists,
tore her dress with his teeth, and would no doubt have ended by
overthrowing his delicate mother, but that Mr. Belmont, no longer
able to endure the disturbance, came up in time to disengage the
raging child and carry him off to his mother’s room. Once in, the key
was turned upon him, and Guy was left to “subside at his leisure,”
said his father.
Breakfast was not a cheerful meal, either upstairs or down. Nurse
was put out; snapped up little Flo, shook baby for being tiresome,
until she had them both in tears. In the dining-room, Mr. Belmont
read the Times with a frown which last night’s debate did not
warrant; sharp words were at his tongue’s end, but, in turning the
paper, he caught sight of his wife’s pale face and untasted breakfast.
He said nothing, but she knew and suffered under his thoughts fully
as much as if they had been uttered. Meantime, two closed doors
and the wide space between the rooms hardly served to dull the ear-
torturing sounds that came from the prisoner.
All at once there was a lull, a sudden and complete cessation of
sound. Was the child in a fit?
“Excuse me a minute, Edward;” and Mrs. Belmont flew upstairs,
followed shortly by her husband. What was her surprise to see Guy
with composed features contemplating himself in the glass! He held
in his hand a proof of his own photograph which had just come from
the photographer’s. The boy had been greatly interested in the
process; and here was the picture arrived, and Guy was solemnly
comparing it with that image of himself which the looking-glass
presented.
Nothing more was said on the subject; Mr. Belmont went to the
City, and his wife went about her household affairs with a lighter
heart than she had expected to carry that day. Guy was released,
and allowed to return to the nursery for his breakfast, which his
mother found him eating in much content and with the sweetest face
in the world; no more trace of passion than a June day bears when
the sun comes out after a thunderstorm. Guy was, indeed, delicious;
attentive and obedient to Harriet, full of charming play to amuse the
two little ones, and very docile and sweet with his mother, saying
from time to time the quaintest things. You would have thought he
had been trying to make up for the morning’s fracas, had he not
looked quite unconscious of wrong-doing.
This sort of thing had gone on since the child’s infancy. Now, a
frantic outburst of passion, to be so instantly followed by a sweet
April-day face and a sunshiny temper that the resolutions his parents
made about punishing or endeavouring to reform him passed away
like hoar-frost before the child’s genial mood.
A sunshiny day followed this stormy morning; the next day passed
in peace and gladness, but, the next, some hair astray, some
crumpled rose-leaf under him, brought on another of Guy’s furious
outbursts. Once again the same dreary routine was gone through;
and, once again, the tempestuous morning was forgotten in the
sunshine of the child’s day.
Not by the father, though: at last, Mr. Belmont was roused to give
his full attention to the mischief which had been going on under his
eyes for nearly the five years of Guy’s short life. It dawned upon him
—other people had seen it for years—that his wife’s nervous
headaches and general want of tone might well be due to this
constantly recurring distress. He was a man of reading and
intelligence, in touch with the scientific thought of the day, and
especially interested in what may be called the physical basis of
character,—the interaction which is ever taking place between the
material brain and the immaterial thought and feeling of which it is
the organ. He had even made little observations and experiments,
declared to be valuable by his friend and ally, Dr. Steinbach, the
head physician of the county hospital.
For a whole month he spread crumbs on the window-sill every
morning at five minutes to eight; the birds gathered as punctually,
and by eight o’clock the “table” was cleared and not a crumb
remained. So far, the experiment was a great delight to the children,
Guy and Flo, who were all agog to know how the birds knew the
time.
After a month of free breakfasts: “You shall see now whether or
no the birds come because they see the crumbs.” The prospect was
delightful, but, alas! this stage of the experiment was very much
otherwise to the pitiful childish hearts.
“Oh, father, please let us put out crumbs for the poor little birds,
they are so hungry!” a prayer seconded by Mrs. Belmont, met with
very ready acceptance. The best of us have our moments of
weakness.
“Very interesting,” said the two savants. “Nothing could show
more clearly the readiness with which a habit is formed in even the
less intelligent of the creatures.”
“Yes, and more than that, it shows the automatic nature of the
action once the habit is formed. Observe, the birds came punctually
and regularly when there were no longer crumbs for them. They did
not come, look for their breakfast, and take sudden flight when it was
not there, but they settled as before, stayed as long as before, and
then flew off without any sign of disappointment. That is, they came,
as we set one foot before another in walking, just out of habit,
without any looking for crumbs, or conscious intention of any sort, a
mere automatic or machine-like action with which conscious thought
has nothing to do.”
Of another little experiment Mr. Belmont was especially proud,
because it brought down, as it were, two quarries at a stroke;
touched heredity and automatic action in one little series of
observations. Rover, the family dog, appeared in the first place as a
miserable puppy saved from drowning. He was of no breed to speak
of, but care and good living agreed with him. He developed a
handsome shaggy white coat, a quiet, well-featured face, and
betrayed his low origin only by one inveterate habit; carts he took no
notice of, but never a carriage, small or great, appeared in sight but
he ran yelping at the heels of the horses in an intolerable way,
contriving at the same time to dodge the whip like any street Arab.
Oddly enough, it came out through the milkman that Rover came of
a mother who met with her death through this very peccadillo.
Here was an opportunity. The point was, to prove not only that the
barking was automatic, but that the most inveterate habit, even an
inherited habit, is open to cure.
Mr. Belmont devoted himself to the experiment: he gave orders
that, for a month, Rover should go out with no one but himself. Two
pairs of ears were on the alert for wheels; two, distinguished
between carriage and cart. Now Rover was the master of an
accomplishment of which he and the family were proud: he could
carry a newspaper in his mouth. Wheels in the distance, then, “Hi!
Rover!” and Rover trotted along, the proud bearer of the Times. This
went on daily for a month, until at last the association between
wheels and newspaper was established, and a distant rumble would
bring him up—a demand in his eyes. Rover was cured. By-and-by
the paper was unnecessary, and “To heel! good dog!” was enough
when an ominous falling of the jaw threatened a return of the old
habit.
It is extraordinary how wide is the gap between theory and
practice in most of our lives. “The man who knows the power of habit
has a key wherewith to regulate his own life and the lives of his
household, down to that of the cat sitting at his hearth.” (Applause.)
Thus, Mr. Belmont at a scientific gathering. But only this morning did
it dawn upon him that, with this key between his fingers, he was
letting his wife’s health, his child’s life, be ruined by a habit fatal alike
to present peace, and to the hope of manly self-possession in the
future. Poor man! he had a bad half-hour that morning on his way
Citywards. He was not given to introspection, but, when it was forced
upon him, he dealt honestly.
“I must see Steinbach to-night, and talk the whole thing out with
him.”
“Ah, so; the dear Guy! And how long is it, do you say, since the
boy has thus out-broken?”
“All his life, for anything I know—certainly it began in his infancy.”
“And do you think, my good friend”—here the Doctor laid a hand
on his friend’s arm, and peered at him with twinkling eyes and
gravely set mouth—“do you think it possible that he has—a—
inherited this little weakness? A grandfather, perhaps?”
“You mean me, I know; yes, it’s a fact. And I got it from my father,
and he, from his. We’re not a good stock. I know I’m an irascible
fellow, and it has stood in my way all through life.”
“Fair and softly, my dear fellow! go not so fast. I cannot let you say
bad things of my best friend. But this I allow; there are thorns,
bristles all over; and they come out at a touch. How much better for
you and for Science had the father cured all that!”
“As I must for Guy! Yes, and how much happier for wife, children,
and servants; how much pleasanter for friends. Well, Guy is the
question now. What do you advise?”
The two sat far into the night discussing a problem on the solution
of which depended the future of a noble boy, the happiness of a
family. No wonder they found the subject so profoundly interesting
that two by the church clock startled them into a hasty separation.
Both ladies resented this dereliction on the part of their several lords.
They would have been meeker than Sarah herself had they known
that, not science, not politics, but the bringing up of the children, was
the engrossing topic.
Breakfast-time three days later. Scene, the dining-room.

Nurse in presence of Master and Mistress.
“You have been a faithful servant and good friend, both to us and
the children, Harriet, but we blame you a little for Guy’s passionate
outbreaks. Do not be offended, we blame ourselves more. Your
share of blame is that you have worshipped him from his babyhood,
and have allowed him to have his own way in everything. Now, your
part of the cure is, to do exactly as we desire. At present, I shall only
ask you to remember that, Prevention is better than cure. The thing
for all of us is to take precautions against even one more of these
outbreaks.
“Keep your eye upon Guy; if you notice—no matter what the
cause—flushed cheeks, pouting lips, flashing eye, frowning
forehead, with two little upright lines between the eyebrows, limbs
held stiffly, hands, perhaps, closed, head thrown slightly back; if you
notice any or all of these signs, the boy is on the verge of an
outbreak. Do not stop to ask questions, or soothe him, or make
peace, or threaten. Change his thoughts. That is the one hope. Say
quite naturally and pleasantly, as if you saw nothing, ‘Your father
wants you to garden with him,’ or, ‘for a game of dominoes;’ or, ‘your
mother wants you to help her in the store-room,’ or, ‘to tidy her work-
box.’ Be ruled by the time of the day, and how you know we are
employed. And be quite sure we do want the boy.”
“But, sir, please excuse me, is it any good to save him from
breaking out when the passion is there in his heart?”
“Yes, Harriet, all the good in the world. Your master thinks that
Guy’s passions have become a habit, and that the way to cure him is
to keep him a long time, a month or two, without a single outbreak; if
we can manage that, the trouble will be over. As for the passion in
his heart, that comes with the outer signs, and both will be cured
together. Do, Harriet, like a good woman, help us in this matter, and
your master and I will always be grateful to you!”
“I’m sure, ma’am,” with a sob (Harriet was a soft-hearted woman,
and was very much touched to be taken thus into the confidence of
her master and mistress). “I’m sure I’ll do my best, especially as I’ve
had a hand in it; but I’m sure I never meant to, and, if I forget, I hope
you’ll kindly forgive me.”
“No, Harriet, you must not forget, any more than you’d forget to
snatch a sharp knife from the baby. This is almost a matter of life and
death.”
“Very well, sir; I’ll remember, and thank you for telling me.”
Breakfast-time was unlucky; the very morning after the above talk,
Nurse had her opportunity. Flo, for some inscrutable reason,
preferred to eat her porridge with her brother’s spoon. Behold, quick
as a flash, flushed cheeks, puckered brow, rigid frame!
“Master Guy, dear,” in a quite easy, friendly tone (Harriet had
mastered her lesson), “run down to your father; he wants you to help
him in the garden.”
Instantly the flash in the eye became a sparkle of delight, the rigid
limbs were all active and eager; out of his chair, out of the room,
downstairs, by his father’s side in less time than it takes to tell. And
the face—joyous, sparkling, full of eager expectation—surely Nurse
had been mistaken this time? But no; both parents knew how quickly
Guy emerged from the shadow of a cloud, and they trusted Harriet’s
discretion.
“Well, boy, so you’ve come to help me garden? But I’ve not done
breakfast. Have you finished yours?”
“No, father,” with a dropping lip.
“Well, I’ll tell you what. You run up and eat your porridge and
come down as soon as you’re ready; I shall make haste, too, and we
shall get a good half-hour in the garden before I go out.”
Up again went Guy with hasty, willing feet.
“Nurse” (breathless hurry and importance), “I must make haste
with my porridge. Father wants me directly to help him in the
garden.”
Nurse winked hard at the fact that the porridge was gobbled. The
happy little boy trotted off to one of the greatest treats he knew, and
that day passed without calamity.
“I can see it will answer, and life will be another thing without
Guy’s passions; but do you think, Edward, it’s right to give the child
pleasures when he’s naughty—in fact, to put a premium upon
naughtiness, for it amounts to that?”
“You’re not quite right there. The child does not know he is
naughty; the emotions of ‘naughtiness’ are there; he is in a physical
tumult, but wilfulness has not set in; he does not yet mean to be
naughty, and all is gained if we avert the set of the will towards
wrong doing. He has not had time to recognise that he is naughty,
and his thoughts are changed so suddenly that he is not in the least
aware of what was going on in him before. The new thing comes to
him as naturally and graciously as do all the joys of the childish day.
The question of desert does not occur.”
For a week all went well. Nurse was on the alert, was quick to
note the ruddy storm-signal in the fair little face; never failed to
despatch him instantly, and with a quiet unconscious manner, on
some errand to father or mother; nay, she improved on her
instructions; when father and mother were out of the way, she herself
invented some pleasant errand to cook about the pudding for dinner;
to get fresh water for Dickie, or to see if Rover had had his breakfast.
Nurse was really clever in inventing expedients, in hitting instantly on
something to be done novel and amusing enough to fill the child’s
fancy. A mistake in this direction would, experience told her, be fatal;
propose what was stale, and not only would Guy decline to give up
the immediate gratification of a passionate outbreak—for it is a
gratification, that must be borne in mind—but he would begin to look
suspiciously on the “something else” which so often came in the way
of this gratification.
Security has its own risks. A morning came when Nurse was not
on the alert. Baby was teething and fractious, Nurse was overdone,
and the nursery was not a cheerful place. Guy, very sensitive to the
moral atmosphere about him, got, in Nurse’s phrase, out of sorts. He
relieved himself by drumming on the table with a couple of ninepins,
just as Nurse was getting baby off after a wakeful night.
“Stop that noise this minute, you naughty boy! Don’t you see your
poor little brother is going to sleep?” in a loud whisper. The noise
was redoubled, and assisted by kicks on chair-rungs and table-legs.
Sleep vanished and baby broke into a piteous wail. This was too
much; the Nurse laid down the child, seized the young culprit, chair
and all, carried him to the furthest corner, and, desiring him not to
move till she gave him leave, set him down with a vigorous shaking.
There were days when Guy would stand this style of treatment
cheerfully, but this was not one. Before Harriet had even noted the
danger signals, the storm had broken out. For half-an-hour the
nursery was a scene of frantic uproar, baby assisting, and even little
Flo. Half-an-hour is nothing to speak of; in pleasant chat, over an
amusing book, the thirty minutes fly like five; but half-an-hour in
struggle with a raging child is a day and a night in length. Mr. and
Mrs. Belmont were out, so Harriet had it all to herself, and it was
contrary to orders that she should attempt to place the child in
confinement; solitude and locked doors involved risks that the
parents would, rightly, allow no one but themselves to run. At last the
tempest subsided, spent, apparently, by its own force.
A child cannot bear estrangement, disapproval; he must needs
live in the light of a countenance smiling upon him. His passion over,
Guy set himself laboriously to be good, keeping watch out of the
corner of his eye to see how Nurse took it. She was too much vexed
to respond in any way, even by a smile. But her heart was touched;
and though, by-and-by, when Mrs. Belmont came in, she did say
—“Master Guy has been in one of his worst tempers again, ma’am:
screaming for better than half-an-hour”—yet she did not tell her tale
with the empressement necessary to show what a very bad half-hour
they had had. His mother looked with grave reproof at the
delinquent, but she was not proof against his coaxing ways.
After dinner she remarked to her husband, “You will be sorry to
hear that Guy has had one of his worst bouts again. Nurse said he
screamed steadily for more than half-an-hour.”
“What did you do?”
“I was out at the time, doing some shopping. But when I came
back, after letting him know how grieved I was, I did as you say,
changed his thoughts and did my best to give him a happy day.”
“How did you let him know you were grieved?”
“I looked at him in a way he quite understood, and you should
have seen the deliciously coaxing, half-ashamed look he shot up at
me. What eyes he has!”
“Yes, the little monkey! and no doubt he measured their effect on
his mother; you must allow me to say that my theory certainly is not
to give him a happy day after an outbreak of this sort.”
“Why, I thought your whole plan was to change his thoughts, to
keep him so well occupied with pleasant things that he does not
dwell on what agitated him.”
“Yes, but did you not tell me the passion was over when you
found him?”
“Quite over, he was as good as gold.”
“Well, the thing we settled on was to avert a threatened outbreak
by a pleasant change of thought; and to do so in order that, at last,
the habit of these outbreaks may be broken. Don’t you see, that is a
very different thing from pampering him with a pleasant day when he
has already pampered himself with the full indulgence of his
passion?”
“Pampered himself! Why, you surely don’t think those terrible
scenes give the poor child any pleasure. I always thought he was a
deal more to be pitied than we.”
“Indeed I do. Pleasure is perhaps hardly the word; but that the
display of temper is a form of self indulgence, there is no doubt at all.
You, my dear, are too amiable to know what a relief it is to us irritable
people to have a good storm and clear the air.”
“Nonsense, Edward! But what should I have done? What is the
best course after the child has given way?”
“I think we must, as you suggested before, consider how we
ourselves are governed. Estrangement, isolation, are the immediate
consequences of sin, even of what may seem a small sin of
harshness and selfishness.”
“Oh, but don’t you think that is our delusion? that God is loving us
all the time, and it is we who estrange ourselves?”
“Without doubt; and we are aware of the love all the time, but,
also, we are aware of a cloud between us and it; we know we are out
of favour. We know, too, there is only one way back, through the fire.
It is common to speak of repentance as a light thing, rather pleasant
than otherwise; but it is searching and bitter: so much so, that the
Christian soul dreads to sin, even the sin of coldness, from an almost
cowardly dread of the anguish of repentance, purging fire though it
is.”
Mrs. Belmont could not clear her throat to answer for a minute.
She had never before had such a glimpse into her husband’s soul.
Here were deeper things in the spiritual life than any of which she yet
knew.
“Well then, dear, about Guy; must he feel this estrangement, go
through this fire?”
“I think so, in his small degree; but he must never doubt our love.
He must see and feel that it is always there, though under a cloud of
sorrow which he only can break through.”
Guy’s lapse prepared the way for further lapses. Not two days
passed before he was again hors de combat. The boy, his outbreak
over, was ready at once to emerge into the sunshine. Not so his
mother. His most bewitching arts met only with sad looks and
silence.
He told his small scraps of nursery news, looking in vain for the
customary answering smile and merry words. He sidled up to his
mother, and stroked her cheek; that did not do, so he stroked her
hand; then her gown; no answering touch, no smile, no word;
nothing but sorrowful eyes when he ventured to raise his own. Poor
little fellow! The iron was beginning to enter; he moved a step or two
away from his mother, and raised to hers eyes full of piteous doubt
and pleading. He saw love, which could not reach him, and sorrow,
which he was just beginning to comprehend. But his mother could
bear it no longer: she got up hastily and left the room. Then the little
boy, keeping close to the wall, as if even that were something to
interpose between him and this new sense of desolation, edged off
to the furthest corner of the room, and sinking on the floor with a sad,
new quietness, sobbed out lonely sobs; Nurse had had her lesson,
and although she, too, was crying for her boy, nobody went near him
but Flo. A little arm was passed round his neck; a hot little cheek
pressed against his curls:
“Don’t cry, Guy!” two or three times, and when the sobs came all
the thicker, there was nothing for it but that Flo must cry too; poor
little outcasts!
At last bedtime came, and his mother; but her face had still that
sad, far-away look, and Guy could see she had been crying. How he
longed to spring up and hug her and kiss her as he would have done
yesterday. But somehow he dared not; and she never smiled nor
spoke, and yet never before had Guy known how his mother loved
him.
She sat in her accustomed chair by the little white bed, and
beckoned the little boy in his nightgown to come and say his prayers.
He knelt at his mother’s knee as usual, and then she laid her hands
upon him.
“‘Our Father’—oh, mother, mo—o—ther, mother!” and a torrent of
tears drowned the rest, and Guy was again in his mother’s arms, and
she was raining kisses upon him, and crying softly with him.
Next morning his father received him with open arms.
“So my poor little boy had a bad day yesterday!”
Guy hung his head and said nothing.
“Would you like me to tell you how you may help ever having quite
such another bad day?”
“Oh yes, please, father; I thought I couldn’t help.”
“Can you tell when the ‘Cross-man’ is coming?”
Guy hesitated. “Sometimes, I think. I get all hot.”
“Well, the minute you find he’s coming, even if you have begun to
cry, say, ‘Please excuse me, Nurse,’ and run downstairs, and then
four times round the garden as fast as you can, without stopping to
take breath!”
“What a good way! Shall I try it now?”
“Why, the ‘Cross-man’ isn’t there now. But I’ll tell you a secret: he
always goes away if you begin to do something else as hard as you
can; and if you can remember to run away from him round the
garden, you’ll find he won’t run after you; at the very worst, he won’t
run after you more than once round!”
“Oh, father, I’ll try! What fun! See if I don’t beat him! Won’t I just
give Mr. ‘Cross-man’ a race! He shall be quite out of breath before
we get round the fourth time.”
The vivid imagination of the boy personified the foe, and the
father jumped with his humour. Guy was eager for the fray; the
parents had found an ally in their boy; the final victory was surely
within appreciable distance.
“This is glorious, Edward; and it’s as interesting as painting a

picture or writing a book! What a capital device the race with Mr.
‘Cross-man’ is! It’s like ‘Sintram.’ He’ll be so much on the qui vive for
‘Cross-man’ that he’ll forget to be cross. The only danger I see is that
of many false alarms. He’ll try the race, in all good faith, when there
is no foe in pursuit.”
“That’s very likely; but it will do no harm. He is getting the habit of
running away from the evil, and may for that be the more ready to
run when ’tis at his heels; this, of running away from temptation, is
the right principle, and may be useful to him in a thousand ways.”
“Indeed, it may be a safeguard to him through life. How did you
get the idea?”
“Do you remember how Rover was cured of barking after
carriages? There were two stages to the cure; the habit of barking
was stopped, and a new habit was put in its place; I worked upon the
recognised law of association of ideas, and got Rover to associate
the rumble of wheels with a newspaper in his mouth. I tried at the
time to explain how it was possible to act thus on the ‘mind’ of a
dog.”
“I recollect quite well, you said that the stuff—nervous tissue, you
called it—of which the brain is made is shaped in the same sort of
way—at least so I understood—by the thoughts that are in it, as the
cover of a tart is shaped by the plums below. And then, when there’s
a place ready for them in the brain, the same sort of thoughts always
come to fill it.”
“I did not intend to say precisely that,” said Mr. Belmont, laughing,
“especially the plum part. However, it will do. Pray go on with your
metaphor. It is decided that plums are not wholesome eating. You
put in your thumb, and pick out a plum; and that the place may be
filled, and well filled, you pop in a—a—figures fail me—a peach!”
“I see! I see! Guy’s screaming fits are the unwholesome plum
which we are picking out, and the running away from Cross-man the
peach to be got in instead. (I don’t see why it should be a peach
though, unpractical man!) His brain is to grow to the shape of the
peach, and behold, the place is filled. No more room for the
plum.”[21]
“You have it; you have put, in a light way, a most interesting law,
and I take much blame to myself that I never thought, until now, of
applying it to Guy’s case. But now I think we are making way; we
have made provision for dislodging the old habit and setting a new
one in its place.”
“Don’t you think the child will be a hero in a very small way, when
he makes himself run away from his temper?”
“Not in a small way at all; the child will be a hero. But we cannot
be heroes all the time. In sudden gusts of temptation, God grant him
grace to play the hero, if only through hasty flight; but in what are
called besetting sins, there is nothing safe but the contrary besetting
good habit. And here is where parents have such infinite power over
the future of their children.”
“Don’t think me superstitious and stupid; but somehow this
scientific training, good as I see it is, seems to me to undervalue the
help we get from above in times of difficulty and temptation.”
“Let me say that it is you who undervalue the virtue, and limit the
scope of the Divine action. Whose are the laws Science labours to
reveal? Whose are the works, body or brain, or what you like, upon
which these laws act?”
“How foolish of me! How one gets into a way of thinking that God
cares only for what we call spiritual things. Let me ask you one more
question. I do see that all this watchful training is necessary, and do
not wish to be idle or cowardly about it. But don’t you think Guy
would grow out of these violent tempers naturally, as he gets older?”
“Well, he would not, as youth or man, fling himself on the ground
and roar; but no doubt he would grow up touchy, fiery, open at any
minute to a sudden storm of rage. The man who has too much self-
respect for an open exhibition may, as you know well enough, poor
wife, indulge in continual irritability, suffer himself to be annoyed by
trifling matters. No, there is nothing for it but to look upon an irate
habit as one to be displaced by a contrary habit. Who knows what
cheerful days we may yet have, and whether in curing Guy I may not
cure myself? The thing can be done; only one is so lazy about one’s
own habits. Suppose you take me in hand?”
“Oh, I couldn’t! and yet it’s your only fault, dear.”
“Only fault! well, we’ll see. In the meantime there’s another thing I
wish we could do for Guy—stop him in the midst of an outbreak. Do
you remember the morning we found him admiring himself in the
glass?”
“Yes, with the photograph in his hand.”
“That was it; perhaps the Cross-man race will answer even in the
middle of a tempest. If not, we must try something else.”
“It won’t work.”
“Why not?”
“Guy will have no more rages; how then can he be stopped in
mid-tempest?”
“Most hopeful of women! But don’t deceive yourself. Our work is
only well begun, but that, let us hope, is half done.”
His father was right. Opportunities to check him in mid-career

occurred; and Guy answered to the rein. Mr. Cross-man worked
wonders. A record of outbreaks was kept; now a month intervened;
two months; a year; two years; and at last his parents forgot their
early troubles with their sweet-tempered, frank-natured boy.
FOOTNOTES:
[21] To state the case more accurately, certain cell
connections appear to be established by habitual traffic in
certain thoughts; but there is so much danger of over-
stating or of localising mental operations, that perhaps it is
safe to convey the practical outcome of this line of research
in a more or less figurative way—as, the wearing of a field-
path; the making of a bridge; a railway, &c.
CHAPTER II
ATTENTION.
“But now for the real object of this letter (does it take your breath
away to get four sheets?) We want you to help us about Kitty. My
husband and I are at our wits’ end, and should most thankfully take
your wise head and kind heart into counsel. I fear we have been
laying up trouble for ourselves and for our little girl. The ways of
nature are, there is no denying it, very attractive in all young
creatures, and it is so delightful to see a child do as ‘’tis its nature to,’
that you forget that Nature, left to herself, produces a waste, be it
never so lovely. Our little Kitty’s might so easily become a wasted
life.
“But not to prose any more, let me tell you the history of Kitty’s
yesterday—one of her days is like the rest, and you will be able to
see where we want your help.
“Figure to yourself the three little heads bent over ‘copy-books’ in
our cheery schoolroom. Before a line is done, up starts Kitty.
“‘Oh, mother, may I write the next copy—s h e l l? “Shell” is so
much nicer than—k n o w, and I’m so tired of it.’
“‘How much have you done?’
“‘I have written it three whole times, mother, and I really can’t do it
any more! I think I could do—s h e l l. “Shell” is so pretty!’
“By-and-by we read; but Kitty cannot read—can’t even spell the
words (don’t scold us, we know it is quite wrong to spell in a reading
lesson), because all the time her eyes are on a smutty sparrow on
the topmost twig of the poplar; so she reads, ‘W i t h, birdie!’ We do
sums; a short line of addition is to poor Kitty a hopeless and an
endless task. ‘Five and three make—nineteen,’ is her last effort,
though she knows quite well how to add up figures. Half a scale on
the piano, and then—eyes and ears for everybody’s business but her
own. Three stitches of hemming, and idle fingers plait up the hem or
fold the duster in a dozen shapes. I am in the midst of a thrilling
history talk: ‘So the Black Prince——’ ‘Oh, mother, do you think we
shall go to the sea this year? My pail is quite ready, all but the
handle, but I can’t find my spade anywhere!’
“And thus we go on, pulling Kitty through her lessons somehow;
but it is a weariness to herself and all of us, and I doubt if the child
learns anything except by bright flashes. But you have no notion how
quick the little monkey is. After idling through a lesson she will
overtake us at a bound at the last moment, and thus escape the
wholesome shame of being shown up as the dunce of our little party.
“Kitty’s dawdling ways, her restless desire for change of
occupation, her always wandering thoughts, lead to a good deal of
friction, and spoil our schoolroom party, which is a pity, for I want the
children to enjoy their lessons from the very first. What do you think
the child said to me yesterday in the most coaxing pretty way?
‘There are so many things nicer than lessons! Don’t you think so,
mother?’ Yes, dear aunt, I see you put your finger on those unlucky
words ‘coaxing, pretty way,’ and you look, if you do not say, that
awful sentence of yours about sin being bred of allowance. Isn’t that
it? It is quite true; we are in fault. Those butterfly ways of Kitty’s were
delicious to behold until we thought it time to set her to work, and
then we found that we should have been training her from her
babyhood. Well,
‘If you break your plaything yourself, dear,
Don’t you cry for it all the same?
I don’t think it is such a comfort
To have only oneself to blame.’
“So, like a dear, kind aunt, don’t scold us, but help us to do better. Is
Kitty constant to anything? you ask. Does she stick to any of the
‘many things so much nicer than lessons’? I am afraid that here, too,
our little girl is ‘unstable as water.’ And the worst of it is, she is all

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Relationships:: Making Choices in a

Marriages, Families, and Relationships: Making Choices

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Marriages, Families, and Relationships: Making Choices

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(eBook PDF) Marriages and Families: Changes, Choices,

The Marriage and Family Experience: Intimate

(eBook PDF) Changing Families: Relationships in Context

(eBook PDF) Marriages and Families: Diversity and

DEFINING FAMILY 4 Demographic Characteristics: Religion 18

SCIENCE: TRANSCENDING PERSONAL THEORETICAL PERSPECTIVES ON THE

A Closer Look at Diversity Hetero-Gay Families 39 DESIGNING A SCIENTIFIC STUDY:

OUR GENDER IDENTITIES 56 GENDER IDENTITIES IN SOCIAL

SEXUAL DEVELOPMENT AND IDENTITY 80 CHANGING CULTURAL SCRIPTS 84

Facts about Families How Do We Know What CONTEMPORARY ISSUES CONCERNING

LOVE AND COMMITMENT 110 HETEROGAMY IN RELATIONSHIPS 123

WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO BE SINGLE? 138 Living Apart Together 143

MARITAL STATUS: THE CHANGING Individualized Marriage 173

FERTILITY TRENDS IN THE UNITED THINGS TO CONSIDER WHEN DECIDING

Rewards and Costs of Parenthood 196 INVOLUNTARY INFERTILITY AND

PARENTING IN TWENTY-FIRST CENTURY PARENTING AND DIVERSITY: SEXUAL

THE INTERFACE OF WORK JUGGLING EMPLOYMENT

GENDER DIFFERENCES Guideline 6: Address a Specific Issue, Ask for a Specific

DEFINING FAMILY STRESS, CRISIS, FAMILY STRESS, CRISIS, ADJUSTMENT,

TODAY’S DIVORCE RATE 364 High Expectations for Marriage 369

GETTING THE DIVORCE 373 THE SOCIAL AND EMOTIONAL

DEFINING AND MEASURING DAY-TO-DAY LIVING IN STEPFAMILIES 409

OUR AGING POPULATION 430 LIVING ARRANGEMENTS OF OLDER

A Closer Look at Diversity

Facts about Families

Issues for Thought

KEY FEATURES diversity—for example, “African Americans and ‘Jump-

THE PHILOSOPHER AT HOME

Breakfast-time three days later. Scene, the dining-room.

“This is glorious, Edward; and it’s as interesting as painting a

His father was right. Opportunities to check him in mid-career

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