Ask Miss Lydia!

Q: I am a successful 25 years old woman

who has everything- good job, money and a pretty face I can be proud of. Many say that I am lucky to be bestowed with all these privileges and how I have a perfect life compared to them but no one knows that I am far from being perfect. The only thing that they say I am lack of is the fact that I am still single with no steady boyfriend and marriage is non within my reach, not like most of my friends who have already started planning on having a family or at least are in relationships with someone special. No one knows that actually, I do have a boyfriend. Unfortunately, my boyfriend is someone I could not share to the world because apparently, I am in love with someones husband. We have been in a relationship for three years now and I can tell you one thing for sure, it is not a happy thing being second to someone that I have always put as priority in my life. He is a married man when we first met each other. From only one child 3 years ago, now he already has 3 children and I am still his secret girlfriend. No one knows about my presence in his life but most of my close friends know about him, except for the fact that he is married because I do not want my friends to judge me being a husband stealer. The truth is I do not steal him from his wife. I share him with his wife without her knowing it of course. We hide this relationship from the world quite good actually. Whenever we get caught by his friends or relatives, he would lie by saying I am one of his officemates or one of his friends from high school. If we want to go

out dating like other couples, we have to plan it carefully. If we want to go out having dinner or lunch, we would go to a secluded restaurant, far from people whom might identify him. I never have a normal dating with him, whats more a normal relationship like others. I get jealous whenever I see others who can go out, hold hands and be romantic in public because I can do none of it. His weekend is occupied with his time for his family. The only time I get to see him is when he is not busy with his works or when he has free time, mostly twice a month. I am tired of having this kind of relationship and I want a real ending which is a happy marriage.

(Illustrated photo) Unfortunately, he could never take me as his second wife. He gives excuses such as, he does not know how to be a husband to two wives, he cannot commit to more than one wife and he does not want to hurt his wifes feelings. I could not accept these lame excuses because I believe that if he really
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loves me, he would have the courage to tell his wife about me and marry me. Sometimes, he would bring out this marriage issue and asks me to find a decent guy for myself, get married and be happy without him. I find it hurtful that he can easily asks me to find another guy when he knows that my heart is only for him. I realize that most of my friends are married and I do not want to be an old maid. I want to get married and have children as well. As much as my friends have been asking me when will be my turn to get married, I get that a lot from my mother and relatives back in my hometown as well. I could not give them any good answer and always resent at soon with a bitter smile on my face. Many times I have tried to persuade him to marry me but he would end up being silent the whole time and I could not afford this because we do not see each other often and I do not want him to be upset or unhappy so I no longer bring up this matter in front of him. I need someone to tell me what could the best solution for our relationship because obviously, I am too blindfolded with the love that I have for him therefore, I could not think straight. Even if I want so bad to leave him, I doubt myself if I could live without him. I could not ask any opinions from my friends because I know they would never understand my situation. I really hope you could help me. I am tired of giving a lot when in return; I know this relationship would not get me far. Should I keep being in affair with someones husband and hoping that one day he would change his mind and take me as his second wife or should I just leave him and find another love? I am afraid if I could not handle the

break up because I love him so much and might make a drastic decision of not getting married at all for the rest of my life due to major heartache. Please help me because I really need guidance from someone reliable right now. Thanks a lot, Miss Lydia. Yours Truly, Confused Girl.

A:

Salam my sister, Confused Girl. I

believed you are a Muslim girl as you have mentioned about polygamy when you ask your boyfriend to take you as his second wife. I could not say I know how you feel because I have never been in the same situation as yours but I do understand how you feel because I have a close friend of mine who has almost the same problem. My dear, it must be hard for you to have a closeted-relationship for 3 years- quite a long time for a couple who does not wish to end it with a proper marriage. I salute your patience for your love towards him as I believed many girls would just walk away if they face this kind of situation- in love with someones husband. However my dear, in order to solve your problems, you must have a strong heart and think from different angles. Have you ever put yourself in his wifes shoes? Have you ever wonder how she feels if she finds out about your relationship with her husband? Have you ever think how heartbroken she could have been? If you have my dear, then I have confidence in you that you could accept my advices with an open heart. My dear sister, I do not want to judge or label you with anything because labeling you with words like a husband stealer or a bitch may worsen
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the condition that you are in now. You need a solution, not a person to judge what you are doing. Whatever reasons you have that lead you to fall in love with someones husband; those are totally up to you. I believe you are not an immoral woman because if you are, you would not be asking me for a solution but instead, you would just ruin the marriage and do whatever you can to get the guy. Fortunately, you are still in your right mind and Insyaallah, I will do my best to give you a proper solution and I hope that this will help you to embark on a better future. As you have mentioned in your email, you are a pretty and successful woman. You have achieved all that in a young age, something to be proud of for a young woman like you. However, you have fall for the wrong person. If he is the one for you my dear, then why is he married to someone else? Obviously, his wife is fated to be with him, not you. Your life partner, sustenance and destiny have all been written for you by Allah even before you were born. You would not know whom your life partner is until the right time has come. Their (your boyfriend and his wife) right time has comebeing wife and husband. I do not mean to say that he is not meant to be your life partner because there are people who get married to more than one wife and obviously fate brings them together too but to practice polygamy, one must look into so many perspectives. I understand that you are at the right age to get married but you must think wisely and sensibly. As stated in the Quran, If ye fear that ye shall not be able to deal justly with the orphans, marry women of your choice, two or three or four; but if ye

fear that ye shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one, or (a captive) that your right hands possess, that will be more suitable, to prevent you from doing injustice., are you sure he can manage two wives? He himself has been giving you excuses about not being able to commit to more than one wife, then it is an obvious hint that he is trying to tell you that he can never wed you. The hint is even clearer when he asks you to find a decent guy for yourself which means he is not interested in practicing polygamy.

(Illustrated photo) My dear, I wish I could say this in a more appropriate way but I could not find any suitable words for it. The answer to your question is that, you should break up with him. There are tons of other fishes in the sea, why not trying to look for a better guy? You have a pretty face and I believe you have beautiful attitudes too that can attract many other men to fall in love with you. You should find yourself a single man who is willing to get married and have children with you. If you can settle down for the best, why choose to settle down with the second best? I consider your boyfriend as the
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second best because you are his second best too, after his wife. Why should you put him as your priority when he could not do the same for you? A relationship is about give and take. From the way I see it, you are the one who have to tolerate with his time for his family and you are the one who have to give in but are you getting as much attention as you should from him in return? You always try to make him happy and worried if he might get upset with you but has he done the same for you? If he does, then he would definitely say yes to your idea of getting married with him. Allah has said in the Holy Quran, [al-Noor 24:32] And marry those among you who are single (i.e. a man who has no wife and the woman who has no husband) and (also marry) the Salihoon (pious, fit and capable ones) of your (male) slaves and maid-servants (female slaves). If they be poor, Allah will enrich them out of His Bounty. And Allah is All-Sufficent for His creatures needs, All-Knowing (about the state of the people), He encourages us to find mates from the same statussingle/divorcee. You are a single woman and the best choice for you would be a single man, not a married guy who has 3 children. If you were to marry him, can you accept his children as your children too? Can you tolerate with his wife? Can you face the negative comments from people around you because you would be considered as a husband stealer even thou you are not? People do not bother to dig up the real story; they would just accuse and label you with ugly names. Are you

prepared for all this? As I said before, there are too many things to think of before you could get married to him. Not only you have to be prepared mentally but also physically because who knows if his wife was to chase you with an axe in her hands after she found out about you marrying her husband. I am just kidding but I do hope you get my points. All I am saying is save the fuss and find a single handsome bachelor for you.

(Illustrated photo) Do not be afraid to let go and to face the fact that he is no longer yours. Moving on is just another phase after breaking up and I trusted that you are strong girl and you can face this challenge. Do not be too broken-hearted and make drastic decision of not getting married at all because you are the one who would be at loss, not him. He is already married and has children. He has passed another stage of his life (marriage) which you have not passed yet. If you choose to stay single forever, you would miss the chance to be happy with a man that
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has been fated to be yours and have children with him. That would be a great loss for you. "If Allah brings you to it, He will bring you through it". Always have faith in Allah. Pray to Him to show you the right path and the right decision. After all, He is All-Knowing and if you surrender yourself to Him, He would give you the best choice of your life. Last but not least, Tawakkul and make du'a. Do your best and leave the rest to Allah. Have faith in him. Whenever

you feel like giving up in finding your life partner, ask from Him because Insyaallah, He would listen to your prayers. I hope you would find a good man and live happily ever after. I wish you all the best! Miss Lydia.