OUR CARTOON PRESIDENT

H
HIDING JOE BIDEN
BO
0314
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or
VISUAL DATA MEDIA SERVICES
610 N. Hollywood Way AIR DATE:
Burbank, CA 91505 LOCKED CUT SCRIPT CREATION: Oct 08, 2020
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01:00:00:00 OPENING SEGMENT

01:00:10:11 MAIN TITLE Our CARTOON

PRESIDENT

01:00:11:18 BIDEN Wanna see my birth certificate?

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01:00:13:05 TRUMP Nah, I’m good.

01:00:18:10 ACT ONE

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01:00:18:16 OBAMA (OS/ON) Ladies and gentlemen, your next president
and my closest friend, we both love sports
and making each other’s ethnic group feel
more comfortable with us, Joe Biden!

01:00:20:05 ON-SCREEN TEXT BIDEN

(ON STAGE) 2020

JOE BIDEN
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01:00:27:29 BIDEN Speech time! Gonna keep this one apolitical!
Charm, not change!

01:00:32:05 SCHUMER (OS/ON) And where do you think you’re going with
those, Mister?
or
01:00:34:10 BIDEN My sunnies!

01:00:35:08 SCHUMER You can have your sunnies after your

healthcare speech.
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01:00:38:08 PELOSI Millions have been infected by the
Coronavirus and the only thing you’ve said
about it is, “Bummer, folks!”
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01:00:44:05 BIDEN Can’t Obama do all that Obamacare stuff?
Biden-care? No, he don’t!

01:00:49:07 PELOSI He better if he wants his sunnies.

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01:00:51:13 BIDEN Well, can I still come out to my favorite doo-

wop record: The Dungy Brothers? Set it to
groove four, groove five has some very
outdated language concerning the Irish.

01:01:00:01 SCHUMER Give me that! No Dungman brothers!

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01:01:01:26 BIDEN Dungy.

01:01:02:17 SCHUMER Whoever they are, they sound like a bad

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influence.

01:01:05:07 PELOSI Just go out there, say, “Healthcare is good,

and most people should have it eventually”
and get off the stage.

01:01:11:07 AUDIENCE (cheering and applause)

01:01:18:29 BIDEN Good morning, Yawnsville. I’m Joe Biden,

and I’m not allowed to do anything cool
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because some people want me to give a
stupid boring speech. (blows raspberry)

01:01:30:14 AUDIENCE MEMBER This is my first time outside in seven months!

(OS)
or
01:01:35:01 DON JUNIOR (OS/ON) Some frickin’ beef dip, manly. Some
awesomely frothed beers, couple of funny-
as-shit napkins. All that’s missing is every
single one of my friends. Ass.
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01:01:40:00 ON-SCREEN TEXT TRIGGERED
(ON BOOK COVER) MUCH?

01:01:45:28 ERIC (into phone) Go for Eric!

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01:01:46:25 DON JUNIOR (into phone) Where the heck are you?! It’s
CNN hate-watch night!
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01:01:49:05 ERIC (into phone) Raincheck, Don! I’m going to a

restaurant tonight with my wife and kids who
love me. Ivanka’s here, too!

01:01:55:16 IVANKA (into phone) Nice to meet you, Dan!

01:01:57:01 DON JUNIOR (into phone) It’s Don! I’m your sister! And
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everyone’s here, and they’re all shit-talking
you ‘cause you’re not. (as another person)
Eric and Ivanka suck! Yeah, they better be
on their way because they suck.
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01:02:07:26 ERIC (into phone) Sounds cool, Dan, gotta go!

01:02:10:02 COOPER (OS/ON) (on television) Tonight, an interview with

Hunter Biden. A political son whose family
continues to embrace him despite his
countless personal foibles.

01:02:12:01 ON-SCREEN TEXT BREAKING

(ON TELEVISION) HUNTER BIDEN IN STUDIO
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NEWS
LIVE

01:02:16:05 DON JUNIOR A family that accepts him? What a loser, right
or
guys? (as another person) You said it, Dan!
(normal) It’s Don!

01:02:21:04 HUNTER (on television) Greetings, Anderson. I see

you.
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01:02:22:01 ON-SCREEN TEXT BREAKING
(ON TELEVISION) HUNTER BIDEN IN STUDIO

NEWS
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LIVE

01:02:23:17 COOPER Uh-huh. Do you think your father’s

presidential bid will be affected by your
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history of alcoholism, cocaine addiction,

philandering, et cetera, et cetera, and, to be
honest, et cetera?

01:02:31:26 HUNTER I’ve replaced my unhealthy vices with healthy

ones: meditation, sensory deprivation tank,
sensory overload tanks, covering myself in
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pine nuts until chipmunks form a blanket on
my chest. Also, I drink thirty Sprite Zeros a
day.
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01:02:44:09 DON JUNIOR How dare he better himself!

01:02:47:10 BIDEN (OS) Can I have one of your desk candies?

01:02:49:00 PELOSI They’ll make you hyper.

01:02:50:05 BIDEN Aww.

01:02:50:27 SCHUMER Joe, the DNC is kind of like one big family.
I’m your dad. Pelosi’s your mom.
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01:02:56:05 PELOSI Morgan Stanley, JP Morgan Chase? Those
are your cousins you have a harmless crush
on.
or
01:03:01:14 BIDEN Why are y’all talking soft and nice? Am I in
trouble?

01:03:04:15 SCHUMER No one’s in trouble. We just know what’s

best for you, and you need to take a little
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break from the trail.

01:03:10:02 BIDEN I don’t need a break! I need you two to get off
my back!
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01:03:13:13 SCHUMER That’s too bad! Who will we give this Amtrak
ticket to? A nice leisurely ride on the Western
Starliner wasted!
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01:03:21:00 PELOSI How fun!

01:03:22:13 BIDEN But won’t the rally miss my inspiring blurts?

01:03:25:09 PELOSI You can do all the blurts you want from your
own bunk in that big, loud choo-choo!
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01:03:30:19 BIDEN A break, huh? Well, I am kind of tired from
running away from my voting record. Aw,
heck, I call top bunk!
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01:03:39:00 DON JUNIOR (OS/ON) We need to take Hunter Biden down, Dad.
This guy named Qua-anon DM’d me some
haunted, Ghostbusters-ass shit about him.
Let’s just say there’s a reason Hunter Biden
didn’t show up to the World Trade Center the
day the Challenger blew up.

01:03:52:17 TRUMP (OS/ON) Hunter’s a dead end, Don. Trail’s colder than
Melania’s eyes on our honeymoon.
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01:03:57:04 JARED Zing!

01:03:57:25 DON JUNIOR (OS/ON) Why is Jared zinging you and not me, the
Prince of Zing?
or
01:04:01:15 TRUMP Jared’s on the COVID-Nineteen task force.
Now leave us alone. We're busy.

01:04:04:08 ON-SCREEN TEXT STOP

(ON SIGNAGE) CORONAVIRUS
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IDEAS:

TEAR GAS
INVADE IRAN
NATIONAL
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ENQUIRER
BOMBSHELL

01:04:05:18 DON JUNIOR You’d rather hang out with lame Jared
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instead of helping strong me?

01:04:09:27 JARED We’re not hanging; we’re task-forcing!

01:04:12:10 TRUMP We are hanging after, though. This guy’s

never seen Last Man Standing. Whaaaat!
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01:04:17:12 DON JUNIOR I like Tim Allen...

01:04:21:06 BIDEN (OS) I told Chuck and Nancy I didn’t need a

babysitter.
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01:04:24:05 HILLARY I’m just here to help you with your Trump
stratagem.

01:04:28:02 ON-SCREEN TEXT WHAT

(ON BOOK) HAPPENED 2
LOOK
WHAT’S
HAPPENING
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Hillary Rodham
Clinton

01:04:27:16 BIDEN Stratagem’s duller than unscented lady’s

shampoo. I’m on vacation. I wanna do
or
something fun!

01:04:33:17 HILLARY I could regale you with a spooky story about

the old socialist boogeyman who steals
primaries in the middle of the night!
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01:04:41:01 BIDEN (OS/ON) Or, I could do my own thing! Party time! Back
in the seventies, when I was anti-abortion,
these bars only cost two horses’ dimes! Hi,
trees! Hi! Hi! Hi! Drone strike! Then in the
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eighties, when I got quieter about being anti-
a-woman’s-right-to-choose but was still very
much not digging on it, they bumped
chocolates up to fifty cents! Hello. Hello. How
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do you do? Yemeni air raid! (laughs) Then in

two thousand one, they were a whole dollar!
And me? No longer against Roe V. Wade!
On paper. Hi. Dumb trees don’t even talk!
Y’ow! Need my sunnies. Pelosi’s got ‘em.
You won’t pillow fight me. The snack cart
lady won’t let me guess her conditioner. If I
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wanted a sucky train ride, I’d have taken the
four twenty-three Northeast Regional tour
Towson.
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01:05:39:18 GUILFOYLE (OS/ON) Why don’t you just investigate Hunter Biden
yourself? You work best alone. Like last night
when you threw that party no one went to,
and I had the house to myself?

01:05:46:09 DON JUNIOR Even if I became the ultimate lone wolf

detective with a sick-ass magnifying glass, I
still couldn’t dig up any dirt that would stick to
Hunter.

There’s always more dirt. Think about all the

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01:05:53:10 GUILFOYLE
horrible things I don’t know about you!

01:05:58:06 DON JUNIOR Hm. I am pretty fucked in the nut. Why, you’d
leave me in a second if you knew what was
or
going on up in my big old nut.

01:06:04:12 GUILFOYLE Ehhh, I’d probably stick it out. I don’t want to

spend my mid-to-late fifties alone.
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01:06:08:05 DON JUNIOR Thanks, Kimmy Shit. Screw Dad, Eric and all
of the other non-family friends I definitely
have. I’ll blow the lid off Hunter Biden myself.
Or my name isn’t my dad’s name, Junior.
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01:06:20:00 BIDEN (OS/ON) I’m onto you. You’re trying to control me
again. Well, I’m getting off this chooch and
getting back on that rally stage!
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01:06:26:06 SCHUMER Joe, sorry, but you’re not getting off that
train.

01:06:29:07 PELOSI Every time we hand you a microphone, you

disobey us. You stray from the party line.

01:06:34:05 BIDEN (into phone) I know what’s hip! Police

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violence? Send ‘em more money! Healthcare
problems? Give the police more money!

01:06:39:18 SCHUMER (into phone) We’re not letting you speak. And
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that’s final.

01:06:42:03 PELOSI (into phone) When you don’t listen, you lose
your rally privileges.

01:06:44:27 BIDEN (into phone) How dare you! I’m Joe Biden,
you can’t stop me--

01:06:49:04 HILLARY I’m sorry, Pokémon Joe. But I just can’t let
you Pokémon Go.
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01:06:57:07 HILLARY (OS/ON) A couple of weeks ago, I got a call from your
Presidential guardians, Nancy and Chuck.
They asked me to keep you off the trail and
on this train. And don’t they always need my
or
help? De-stigmatizing my husband, making
my husband more palatable.

01:07:13:13 BIDEN Shouldn’t us centrists stick together? The

right’s gone so far, they’re tear-gassing
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citizens. The left’s gone so far, they’re
posting about it on the internet.

01:07:21:15 HILLARY Sorry, Joe, but I’m on Team Hillary, and the
DNC has promised a big fat donation to the
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Clinton Foundation, finally ensuring a bright
future for all four people in the Clinton
dynasty. So you’re not going anywhere.
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01:07:35:14 BIDEN Even if I gotta water the toilet flowers?

01:07:38:02 HILLARY Not even to water the toilet flowers.

01:07:40:14 BIDEN But, Miss Hillary, that violates the Geneva

Convention.
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01:07:43:27 HILLARY Darn Geneva Convention! Five minutes to
pee. But that’s it!

01:07:47:09 BIDEN Hey, score one for my aged bladder!

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01:07:50:14 ON-SCREEN TEXT DIVE BAR
(ON SIGNAGE)
BAR

01:07:51:18 DON JUNIOR (ON/OS) There he is, Hunter freakin’ Biden. Going
right into a bar.

01:07:55:06 GIULIANI I love a stakeout. Reminds me of the time I

spent a month in a pup tent behind the
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Gershwin theater, hoping to catch this one
munchkin with huge cans from Wicked take a
smoke break.

01:08:05:13 DON JUNIOR Stop talking, you’re gonna blow our cover,
or
and you’re spitting pistachios all over me.

01:08:10:01 GIULIANI Had pistachios for dinner last night. Must be

a few loose shells stuck in my craw!
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01:08:14:05 DON JUNIOR That’s the worst sentence I have ever heard.
Screw it. I’m going inside!

01:08:22:13 DON JUNIOR Shit! This Dungy Brothers record is gonna

blow my cover!
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01:08:25:27 HUNTER Don Junior? You here to break bread or
break noses?
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01:08:29:07 DON JUNIOR I’m just here to have a freakin’ beer. The fact
that we’re both here at the same time is just
a weird Connecticut.

01:08:34:14 HUNTER Or maybe it’s fate, a concept I learned about

during my healing journey at Big Sur.
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01:08:38:17 DON JUNIOR Big Sur? You know my dad?

01:08:40:16 HUNTER In a way, we all know everyone. Pull up a

stool. I imagine we have some things to talk
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about.

01:08:49:11 BIDEN (OS/ON) Stupid Miss Hillary! Time to make my escape

through Amtrak plumbing pipes! Geronimo!
Biscuits! All right, pretend it’s a Presidential
campaign and just take another two stabs at
it! I’m gonna level with you. I didn’t have to
water the toilet flowers.

01:09:06:17 HILLARY Face it, Joe, you’re not getting out of here
while I’m babysitter. I babysat Bill Clinton so
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diligently. People hate me more than they
hate him!

01:09:14:09 BIDEN Is that how you wanna spend your golden

or
years, Hillary? Babysitting for the DNC?

01:09:18:28 HILLARY What else would I do? Run for President?

Should I? I’ve been brainstorming a few
logos on my arm.
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01:09:24:06 ON-SCREEN TEXT HZO
(ON HILARY’S ARM)
HRC
2020!
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H2.O20

H2C20
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Hillary
2020

Hillary

20
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2020
20

01:09:24:08 BIDEN (OS/ON) Unless you want to be President of the train,

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you’re in the wrong spot! Ever consider
Chuck and Nancy put you on this train to
keep you hidden, just like me?

01:09:31:16 HILLARY Why would they do that? I’m the lifeblood of

the Democratic Party. Ask John Podesta.

01:09:36:27 BIDEN All I’m saying is, I don’t know who created
Pokémon Go.

I’m listening.
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01:09:40:15 HILLARY

01:09:41:13 BIDEN But the DNC is treating you like a Pokémon

Schmo.
or
01:09:45:00 HILLARY My God, Joe! Chuck and Nancy locked her
up, and the “her” is me!

01:09:51:06 DON JUNIOR (OS/ON) So by drinking thirty Sprite Zeros a day, you
took full control over your mind, body and
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ass?

01:09:56:18 HUNTER I still have dark moments. Last year I picked

a fight with a strip club bouncer to get my
face messed up enough to score some pain
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killers at the ER. But mostly, I’ve achieved
peace. (angrily) Bartender! This Sprite Zero’s
all wet on the sides. My hand is ruined!
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01:10:10:20 DON JUNIOR Y-you hate it when drinks are wet on the
side, too?

01:10:13:25 HUNTER Yeah.

01:10:14:03 DON JUNIOR And you yell at struggling food industry

workers about it?
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01:10:17:07 HUNTER Yeah.

01:10:18:03 DON JUNIOR (sobbing) It was a bet. It was a bet. It was a

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big stupid bet!

01:10:23:19 HUNTER What?

01:10:24:05 DON JUNIOR (sobbing) Wha- I mean, I was trying to dig up

dirt on you. But once I saw your dirt, it was
like I was looking into a dirt mirror! Your.
Dad. Wears. A. Flag. Pin. Like. Miiiiiine!

01:10:36:27 HUNTER Let it out, Don. Tears are the body’s way of
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letting you cry.

01:10:43:26 HILLARY This is it, Joe. Time to stop just chillin’ in

Cedar Rapids and start jumpin’ into those
actual raging rapids below.
or
01:10:51:22 BIDEN That’s a long way down, Miss Hillary. Maybe
we should call Obama, double-check this is
the right thing to do.
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01:10:58:04 HILLARY You don’t need Obama, Joe! Remember Will
and Grace?

01:11:01:16 BIDEN You mean “Gay Cheers”?

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01:11:02:17 HILLARY If you had listened to Obama, there’d be no
gay marriage, which wouldn’t be the worst
thing in the world. But you made it a reality.
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01:11:10:10 BIDEN Inspiring! Hey, what other good things have I

done?

01:11:13:06 HILLARY Well, there’s that time you, uh, Geronimo!

01:11:17:24 BIDEN Hey, wait for me! Joe-Biden-Joe!

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01:11:22:06 ON-SCREEN TEXT DIVE BAR
(ON SIGNAGE)
BAR
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01:11:22:25 HUNTER (OS/ON) And that’s the full extent of my father’s
involvement with Burisma Holdings.

01:11:23:14 ON-SCREEN TEXT BEER

(ON SIGNAGE) FRIDAY

01:11:26:03 DON JUNIOR Wow, I can’t believe you told me all that,
considering our dads are competing to
vacantly nod at generals for four years.

You won’t betray my trust. We’re cut from the

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01:11:32:10 HUNTER
same North Face indoor camping blanket.

01:11:37:03 DON JUNIOR (ON/VO) I suppose I should open up, too. Back when I
was a kid and TiVo first came out, I used to
or
pause the television on this one Chex cereal
commercial. The mother in it was so beautiful
and friendly. I practiced my first kiss on that
screen. But my saliva mixed with the static of
the television, and I got shocked and went
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into a coma for, like, a week! Doctors said I’d
never wake up. But then one day, the Chex
cereal commercial came on the hospital TV. I
shot right up and yelled “Mommy girlfriend!”
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01:11:48:13 ON-SCREEN TEXT Rice
(ON BOX) Chex

Gluten Free
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01:12:07:26 HUNTER TiVo came out in nineteen ninety-nine. You

would’ve been what? Like twenty-two?

01:12:11:15 DON JUNIOR Eh, maybe we got it early! Anyway, please

don’t tell anybody.
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01:12:15:13 HUNTER I will keep your secrets close to my heart, like
I used to with small baggies of cocaine or
perhaps, crack.
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01:12:23:05 DON JUNIOR (light crying) Your hands are really soft!

01:12:26:04 BIDEN (OS) Well, if the sun is north and the ground is
south, we should be able to hit the rally by
noon!

01:12:31:14 HILLARY (OS) (distressed groan) I feel great!

01:12:33:17 BIDEN Miss Hillary, you okay?

(out of breath) I think I might’ve gotten

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01:12:35:12 HILLARY
sniped. Bosnians in the hills.

01:12:38:27 BIDEN I’ll carry you. My body’s weak, but my

inability to assess my own limitations is
or
strong!

01:12:44:16 HILLARY Leave me, Joe. This journey is your own.

Here, take this! Hot sauce. Tell your Black
supporters I had it on me when I gracefully
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exited this mortal campaign.

01:12:48:23 ON-SCREEN TEXT ELECTORAL

(ON HOT SAUCE ASS
BOTTLE) BURNER
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01:12:54:27 BIDEN Racial pandering till your last breath. I will tell
your story, Hillary! (yelling from afar) And I’ll
make sure to brush over Benghazi!
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01:13:05:23 TIM ALLEN (OS/ON) I guess that makes me the last man
standing! (grunt)

01:13:09:09 JARED AND TRUMP (laughing) (crying)

01:13:10:18 TRUMP It’s so true--

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01:13:12:03 TIM ALLEN Ah! He tells it like it is for us millionaires
pretending to be normal people on camera.
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01:13:117:28 DON JUNIOR Well, chim-cherio, I did it! I got the dirt none
of you could get on Hunter Biden! Chim-
cherio.

01:13:23:01 TRUMP No! Dish!

01:13:24:02 DON JUNIOR Sorry, Dad, but the “dish” is cold, and I will
not serve it because he’s my friend.

01:13:29:10 TRUMP You don’t have friends.

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01:13:30:14 DON JUNIOR Yes, I do! We even trade the same crude oil
futures.

01:13:34:09 JARED Just tell us what he did or leave!

or
01:13:35:15 DON JUNIOR Uh. Sorry, that you two can’t relate to having
a real friend who isn’t secretly wearing a
wire, but I do. And I’ll never rat out Hunter for
political gain.
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01:13:45:08 COOPER (OS) (on television) And here to rat out Don Junior
for political gain, Hunter Biden!

01:13:48:26 ALL (gasps)

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01:13:51:03 BIDEN Oh, God. So thirsty. Folks. C’mon. Water.
Water. (gasps) The hot-sauce! (scream) Hot!
I know, sand! Nature’s water! (cough) Aw,
 Page 16

maybe I do need Chuck and Nancy.

01:14:08:12 RENTAL CAR (over phone) Hello, rent-a-car.

WORKER (OS)

01:14:09:09 BIDEN (into phone) Hey, folks, I need a Lincoln

Towncar motorcade at the corner of cactus
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and rock.

01:14:15:13 RENTAL CAR (over phone) Sorry, we don’t do motorcades

WORKER (OS) at this Hertz. We have a PT Cruiser that
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smells like a nursing home.

01:14:20:12 BIDEN (into phone) Whatever!

01:14:21:04 RENTAL CAR (over phone) Credit card number?

WORKER (OS)

01:14:21:28 BIDEN (into phone) Hey, Jill, tell them our card
number. Jill? Aw, crap. Hey, what if I told you
I’m the former vice president of the United
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States?

01:14:29:25 RENTAL CAR (over phone) Yeah. Call me when you’re

WORKER (OS) president.
or
01:14:32:13 COOPER Let me get this straight, Don Junior kissed
his television so hard that he electrocuted
himself into a coma?

01:14:38:05 HUNTER That is correct.

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01:14:39:11 COOPER Harrowing. And now I’m getting word that
known television molester Don Junior is
calling into the show.
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01:14:44:08 NARRATIVE TITLE BREAKING
ON THE PHONE: DONALD TRUMP JR.

01:14:44:06 DON JUNIOR (OS) (over phone) (cyringcrying) You promised

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me! Urinal! Wet on side of drink!

01:14:48:10 COOPER (overlaps) It sounds like the son of the

president is flooding his receiver with tears
and spittle. Only a man guilty of molesting his
television would cry out so hysterically.
H
01:14:56:11 DON JUNIOR (OS) (over phone) I didn’t molest the Tivo!

01:14:58:15 HUNTER Don, drink thirty Sprite Zeros and calm down!
BO
01:15:01:02 DON JUNIOR (OS) (over phone) (calming down) I can be calm.
Because I also have secrets. That’s right,
Hunter told me the nasty truth about his
dealings with Burisma Holdings!

01:15:10:02 HUNTER (play-acting) No. Stop. Don’t.

01:15:12:06 DON JUNIOR (OS) (over phone) In twenty-fiftteen, Joe and

Hunter Biden returned to Isla Nublar, where
the previously destroyed dino theme park
had been rebuilt for people’s amusement!
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01:15:22:26 COOPER This sounds a lot like the plot of Jurassic
World. Hunter, what do you have to say to
these accusations that you and your father
or
visited the dino-island of Isla Nublar?

01:15:30:11 HUNTER Clearly a pathetic lie to try and undermine my

family’s spotless political record.
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01:15:34:16 DON JUNIOR (OS) (over phone) But that’s what you told me!
Why would you say this if not true?!

01:15:39:00 COOPER (ON/OS) Hunter, while I question the morality of your

past, the secret baby, your use of the term
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‘day drinking’ to justify cracking a Michelob
spiked with LSD during Easter mass, I can
see you have reformed. Say, would you like
to come to Under The Tuscan Sun movie
 Page 18

night with me, Halsey, and Adam Rippon?

01:15:53:01 DON JUNIOR (OS) (over phone) I want to go under the sun!

01:15:55:15 SCHUMER (OS) You lost Joe Biden?

01:15:57:10 HILLARY I let him go. It’s high time someone stood up
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to you two.

01:16:01:04 PELOSI I knew we shouldn’t have put you two on the

scenic desert train.
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01:16:04:15 SCHUMER That’s just great. The oldest candidate for
president in our nation’s history wandering
around the Mojave, justifying cutting social
security to the wind.

01:16:13:05 HILLARY Face it! You need him as much as he needs

you.

01:16:16:05 SCHUMER We just need him healthy enough to put his

hand on a bible and say “I do” before we
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hand full power over to Kamala.

01:16:22:00 PELOSI This the last time we ask you to babysit for
us. You can kiss that four-hundred-thousand-
or
dollar tip to your Clinton Foundation
goodbye!

01:16:29:15 HILLARY (gasps) But that was earmarked for Ghislaine

Maxwell’s bail.
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01:16:36:13 BIDEN (ON/OS) Dungy brothers. Chuck. Nancy. Talking
points. Help!

01:16:47:25 DON JUNIOR (OS/ON) (crying) I finally had a friend in Hunter but
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then he betrayed me.

01:16:51:09 GUILFOYLE Wow, that sucks. You wanna go in the

bathroom and cry by yourself?
 Page 19

01:16:55:16 DON JUNIOR That’s very sweet of you, but I can’t be alone
right now. Hey, K-Kimberly?

01:17:00:20 GUILFOYLE Ugh.

01:17:01:00 DON JUNIOR Do you want to become friends?

H
01:17:03:04 GUILFOYLE What would that involve? Transactional sex?

01:17:05:27 DON JUNIOR We would share secrets. I’ll start. A few

BO
years ago, in Midtown, after meeting Russian
oligarchs about derailing Hillary’s campaign--

01:17:11:03 GUILFOYLE Wow, that is bad!

01:17:12:18 DON JUNIOR No, that’s not the secret. I saw a ad for a
beautiful lady lawyer on the side of a bus. I
went to kiss her, but before I knew it, I was
getting dragged along Forty-second Street by
my tight whites. And the matinees had just let
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out, so the entire audience of Dear Evan
Hansen The Musical saw my underwear
which were not all white! (sighs) What a
weight off my chest. I’ve been thinking about
that one for a while. Now you go.
or
01:17:38:08 GUILFOYLE Okay, I’ll go to Gavin Newsom’s house for
the weekend.

01:17:41:05 DON JUNIOR Who needs her, right, guys? (as other
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people) Kind of busy tonight. Raincheck.
(back to normal) Ugh! Fine, text me later!

01:17:46:09 TAPPER (ON/OS) I’m Jake Tapper. A search party has

recovered Joe Biden’s unconscious body
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from an undisclosed desert location after the
vice president reportedly jumped off of an
Amtrak train with former Secretary of State
Hillary Clinton. Joe Biden has been
 Page 20

transferred to Walter Reed Hospital, (on TV)

where his every need is being taken care of.

01:17:46:14 NARRATIVE TITLE BREAKING

RENEGADE BIDEN CAPTURED

NEWS
H
LIVE

01:18:01:02 ON-SCREEN TEXT WALTER REED GENERAL HOSPITAL

(ON SIGNAGE)
BO
01:18:03:18 BIDEN I just wanted to be my own man, but now I
got all these other men doing everything for
me, including this male nurse. Mister Nurse,
can you turn up the TV?

01:18:13:11 MISTER NURSE (OS) Sure, you big baby, I’ll turn up your baby
show.

01:18:15:12 BIDEN Just 'cause I’m eating soft foods and drinking
medicated formula from a sippy cup doesn’t
N
mean I’m a baby. Aw, goo-goo, God damn it,
I am a baby.

01:18:25:08 ON-SCREEN TEXT DIVE BAR

or
(ON SIGNAGE)
BAR

01:18:26:09 DON JUNIOR (OS/ON) (into phone) Who needs friends anyhow?
Some lifelong alone time would be a nice
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change of pace.

01:18:30:10 GIULIANI Hey, I’m here.

01:18:31:08 DON JUNIOR Rudy, you don’t count, and I know that you
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know that.

01:18:34:06 GIULIANI Yeah, I know. So Hunter betrayed your trust

and ruined your reputation. Doesn’t mean he
 Page 21

can’t be your friend.

01:18:39:13 DON JUNIOR That seems messed up even to me, and I

spent most of twenty-eighteen on Twitter
doxing Parkland survivors.

01:18:45:05 GIULIANI It is messed up! Your father’s stabbed me in

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the back so many times I’ve got more
stitches than mole clusters.

01:18:50:04 DON JUNIOR But he’s your best friend.

BO
01:18:52:00 GIULIANI Best political friend. I love your dad, and he
tolerates me. But at the end of the day, we’d
both sell each other out for a Lithuanian go-
go dancer and a plate of ice-cold cheese
fries.

01:19:02:16 DON JUNIOR Political friendship built on lies, distrust and

betrayal? I could try that!
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01:19:09:00 OBAMA (OS/ON) Oh, let me be clear. Here comes the Amtrak
train. Choo-choo.

01:19:13:00 BIDEN (gulp) Thanks, Barack. How’d you find me,

anyhow?
or
01:19:15:25 OBAMA Drones aren’t just for Yemeni weddings.

01:19:17:14 BIDEN Aww, that’s sweet.

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01:19:19:13 OBAMA Joe, the DNC is like a family, and I’m the
wise grandfather you only see on Christmas.
Except this campaign’s been so messy, I’ve
been having to step in almost every day!
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01:19:27:15 BIDEN I’m sorry, Barack. I know I should listen to
Chuck and Nancy, but I also want to listen to
the Dungy Brothers and sniff ladies’ necks.
 Page 22

01:19:35:13 OBAMA What you need, Joe, is compromise. When

everybody agrees to do something, and
nobody’s happy. It’s the foundation of our
two-party system.

01:19:42:14 BIDEN Like how the South had to give up slavery,

but kept the right to fly parachute-sized
H
confederate flags and signal they miss
slavery!

01:19:50:09 OBAMA Not the most encouraging example, but, yes,

BO
that’s the idea.

01:19:53:05 BIDEN I suppose I can reach a compromise with

Mommy Chuck and Daddy Nancy.

01:19:57:17 OBAMA And you can. They’re waiting out in the car,
and they’re worried sick.

01:20:02:10 PELOSI (OS) You buckled up back there?

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01:20:03:26 BIDEN Yes, Miss Nancy.

01:20:05:14 SCHUMER You know, we were really worried about you.

01:20:07:10 BIDEN I know.

or
01:20:08:19 PELOSI Sometimes it might seem like we don’t care.
But really, we just want what’s best for our
little future President.
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01:20:15:05 BIDEN I’m sorry, too. Couple hours without you guys
and I almost died in the desert without even
getting to meet Barbarella.

01:20:22:00 SCHUMER Hey, before we shut you in your basement

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for the rest of the year, why don’t we stop
and get you some ice cream at one of your
rallies?
 Page 23

01:20:28:03 BIDEN Ice cream? Rally? Will Miss Hillary be there?

01:20:31:16 SCHUMER As long as you hit your talking points!

01:20:33:13 BIDEN (OS) Yay! Ice cream! Miss Hillary!

01:20:37:16 DON JUNIOR (VO/ON) Dear Hunter, just because our dads are
H
politically opposed in every possible sense
except the military, police, and healthcare
system doesn’t mean that we can’t still be
friends. In Washington, friends and enemies
BO
are pretty much the same-ass thing anyway.
If you’re free tonight, turn on Hannity. You
might see a familiar face. And yoga rehab? Is
Hunter Biden serious? That’s not even
manly. Ever heard of eating burgers?

01:20:48:16 ON-SCREEN TEXT Dear Hunter,

(ON PAPER)
Just because our dads are politically
opposed in every possible sense except
N
the military, police, and healthcare
system doesn’t mean that we can’t still
be friends. In Washington, friends
and enemies are pretty much the same
ass thing anyway. If you’re free
or
tonight, turn on Hannity.

01:20:52:10 ON-SCREEN TEXT Friend

(ON PAPER)
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01:20:54:05 NARRATIVE TITLE NEWS
LIVE

DONALD TRUMP JR. IN STUDIO

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01:20:59:10 HANNITY (laughs)

01:21:00:05 DON JUNIOR Okay. Get this. He drinks Sprite Zero! Zero
calories. Zero chance of getting laid.
 Page 24

01:21:06:00 HANNITY (OS) (laughing)

01:21:07:03 GUILFOYLE (into phone) Sorry, ex-husband Gavin

Newsom. It’s over.

01:21:09:25 DON JUNIOR Also, the night his divorce was finalized, he
H
went straight to a strip club as a final “fuck
you!” to his wife of twenty-four years.

01:21:15:12 HANNITY Ha ha, whoa, that’s actually pretty sad. And

BO
I’m getting word Hunter Biden is calling in!
You’re on the air, Burisma Boy.

01:21:21:18 HUNTER I just wanna say what Don Junior is saying is

not true, but how he’s saying it is pretty cool.

01:21:26:27 DON JUNIOR Go eat a burger, soy-man.

01:21:29:07 HUNTER Go trim your beard, daddy’s boy.

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01:21:31:06 DON JUNIOR (crying) Triggered. Much?

01:21:34:05 HANNITY Okay, guys, this patty cake energy is not

matching the combative language. Cut to a
home security ad!
or
01:21:42:14 ON-SCREEN TEXT BIDEN
(ON STAGE) 2020

JOE BIDEN
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01:21:43:06 BIDEN (slurps) So before we get this party started,
it’s important to the Democratic party,
especially my guardian angels Chuck and
Nancy, that I say this--
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01:21:53:01 PELOSI Give ‘em hell, Joe!

01:21:54:08 BIDEN Healthcare is good. Most people should have

 Page 25

it eventually.

01:22:00:00 PELOSI The perfect speech!

01:22:02:04 BIDEN And now, in an act of solidarity, I’d like to

invite my best friend, Miss Hillary, to say a
few words.
H
01:22:09:07 HILLARY Thank you, Joe. I’d like to take this hot mic
opportunity to announce my candidacy for
President in twenty twenty--
BO
01:22:18:06 SCHUMER (interrupting) Uhh, hey, Joe, uh. How’s about
some Dungy Brothers? You’ve earned it!

01:22:22:15 AUDIENCE (gasps)

01:22:23:06 AUDIENCE MEMBER Ah, my eyes!

(OS)

01:22:24:13 BIDEN (ON/OS) I love this song! (singing) Doo-wop, shoo-

N
wop, the Irish!

01:22:30:00 PELOSI (overlaps) Look at him, dancing to slur-filled

doo-wop music that only exists in his mind. If
this doesn’t inspire young voters, fuck ‘em.
or
01:22:38:27 SCHUMER (sweetly) I agree, Nancy. Fuck ‘em!

01:22:41:04 BIDEN And Shamus--

di
01:22:43:09 CLOSING SEGMENT

01:24:28:05 END OF EPISODE

2nd QC: Ellen M.

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