OUR CARTOON PRESIDENT

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DEBATE PREP
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0312
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or
VISUAL DATA MEDIA SERVICES
610 N. Hollywood Way AIR DATE:
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Burbank, CA 91505 LOCKED CUT SCRIPT CREATION: Sept 24, 2020
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01:00:00:00 OPENING SEGMENT

01:00:10:11 MAIN TITLE Our CARTOON

PRESIDENT

01:00:11:13 PELOSI AND SCHUMER Don't rock the boat! Don’t rock the vote!
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01:00:19:01 ACT ONE

01:00:19:05 MAN (VO) (whispering) Here he comes, here he comes.

He's coming.
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01:00:20:23 ALL (VO) Surprise!

01:00:22:06 MITCH (VO) You guys! For me?

01:00:24:12 ON-SCREEN TEXT (ON THANKS MITCH!

BANNER)

01:00:24:05 MC HAMMER To leader Mitch McConnell for his life's work

of goring Beelzebub’s horn through the heart
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of the middle class.

01:00:32:09 ALL Hear, hear!

01:00:33:13 COLLINS Without your efforts, Americans could never

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dream of going bankrupt from a root canal.

01:00:39:23 KAVANAUGH I owe you everything, MC Hammer. I know

Gorsuch is your favorite, and yes, that
absolutely hurts. But I would die for you! Say
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the word, and I will get black-out in your
name right now. Please say it!

01:00:52:03 MITCH MCCONNELL It's been the joy of my life to make over the
Supreme Court like it's my own personal
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Barbie doll. To the next six years! Hear,
hear.

01:01:01:14 CRUZ (laughing) Oh, boy. Mitchell, this little

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taxpayer funded seven-figure soiree is for

your final Senate term.

01:01:09:12 MITCH What the hell are you talking about?

01:01:11:06 CRUZ Sounds like you've been living under a rock,

which is less fun than it sounds. And old Ted
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Cruz got the chipmunk bites to prove it Ow,
ow, ow! (gnawing sound).

01:01:21:14 ANDERSON COOPER I'm Anderson Cooper, and it goes without

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saying that this is a standing treadmill desk.
New polling suggests that many Republican
senators, including Leader McConnell, could
lose reelection over their ties to an
increasingly toxic President Trump.

01:01:25:13 NARRATIVE TITLE BREAKING

MCCONNELL’S REELECTION IN
JEOPARDY
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01:01:33:07 MITCH Oh, change the channel. I've seen this one
before.

01:01:35:23 CRUZ This is different. You let Trump get so unruly.

He's basically a big ol’ stinky dog.
or
01:01:41:03 ANDERSON (ON/OS) (on TV) McConnell's blanket excusal of
Trump's behavior has finally led the
President to abandon any sense of decorum
and revert to his most base instincts. Today,
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he hosted a steak dinner for French
President Emmanuel Macrone, and once
again, failed to behave like a human being.
He wouldn't stop eating pie off his guest’s
plates, and he had to be put outside while
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everyone finished their meals.

01:01:41:18 ON-SCREEN TEXT (ON BREAKING

TELEVISION) PRES. TRUMP’S BEASTLY BEHAVIOR
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01:01:59:14 COLLINS He's gonna lose us the senate, especially if

he signs that executive order deputizing
every Confederate flag.

01:02:07:09 MITCH Oh, relax. I've got our bad, dumb, fat
president completely under control.
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01:02:12:29 ANDERSON (on TV) With the first presidential debate just
days away, the question on everyone's mind
is, “Will Trump defecate in his podium?”
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01:02:13:08 ON-SCREEN TEXT (ON BREAKING
TELEVISION) PRES. TRUMP’S BEASTLY BEHAVIOR

01:02:19:03 MITCH Oh, he has one productive bowel movement

a month. The odds are slim.

01:02:23:15 ANDERSON For more on this week's debate, I'm joined by

the Democratic nominee, Vice President Joe
Biden.
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01:02:24:08 NARRATIVE TITLE BREAKING
JOE BIDEN IN STUDIO

01:02:28:05 JOE BIDEN Charmed to be here, Coop. Hey, did you

or
hear the one about the bucko with the small
boonga and the lady with the big googa?

01:02:33:23 ANDERSON Not since we said hello backstage five

minutes ago. How is your debate prep
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going?

01:02:37:28 JOE Oh, I don't monkey with all that. I just shoot
from the hip. Everybody loves Quick-Draw
Joe.
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01:02:42:14 ANDERSON With all due respect, sir, watching you speak
off the cuff is like watching a drunk guy roller
skate. Take for instance your remarks today
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before a group of Jewish leaders in honor of

Yom Kippur.

01:02:51:01 NARRATIVE TITLE BREAKING

BIDEN’S GAFFE PROBLEM

01:02:51:05 BIDEN Hey, buddy, where can I get one of your big
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chocolate cake hats? You holler yes or no,
and I'll list the game show hosts I assume
are Jewish. Did you hear the one about the
cantor with the small boonga? You cut
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before I skunked the Rabbi in a push up
contest.

01:03:04:07 ANDERSON And just a quick reminder to any DNC

leaders at home, there's still time to
Photoshop Joe Biden out of his own
campaign materials.

01:03:16:17 MITCH Mitt, can I help you?

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01:03:18:08 MITT Oh, boy, you caught me. I was hoping to buff
your car clean then escape into the night so I
wouldn't get credit.

01:03:23:09 MITCH What do you want this time? I told you I can't
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ban the use of the word, “udders.”

01:03:27:18 MITT Now that you and you alone brought it up, I'd
love to be the Republican nominee for
president.
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01:03:32:09 MITCH We tried that in twenty-twelve, and you shit
the bed.

01:03:35:14 MITT While I don't appreciate the S-word, thank

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you for not using the U-word.

01:03:39:03 MITCH It's not happening, Mitt. Besides, Trump has

a bill signing in the morning. It'll make him
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look more presidential than ever.

01:03:44:13 MITT (OS/ON) I'm not an ne'er-do-well pill-popper. Think

about it.

01:03:49:03 BIDEN (VO/ON) Was that white-haired seventh grader right?

Does Quick-Draw Joe, the fastest debater in
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the West, need to learn to watch his words?

01:03:55:16 ON-SCREEN TEXT (ON 2020 DEM DEBATES

TAPE)
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01:03:56:04 BIDEN (on TV) Sure, I opposed busing, but it was
the seventies. We were all burning bras and
upholding segregation. The lady who doesn't
like a hug should wear a pin on her boob that
says, “No fun.”

01:03:56:05 ON-SCREEN TEXT (ON LIVE

TELEVISION) NEWS
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01:04:07:13 BIDEN So far, nothing but net. This debate’s gonna
be a piece of crap apple rhubarb pie. Hey,
what's this?

01:04:14:13 HOLT (ON/OS) Tonight's debate was another burst pipe at

or
the diarrhea factory for the Biden campaign.
Earnest question: “How can any man
capable of dressing himself have such a
porous verbal filter?”
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01:04:14:09 ON-SCREEN TEXT (ON POST DEBATE ANALYSIS
TELEVISION) LIVE
NEWS

01:04:23:04 TODD My guess, Biden was dressed by someone

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else long ago and now sleeps in his clothes.

01:04:27:07 HOLT A damning assessment, especially coming

from Chuck Todd.
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01:04:30:04 TODD What does that mean?

01:04:32:06 MAN (VO) (on TV) Has just changed more…

01:04:33:15 TRUMP (VO) Trump!

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01:04:33:15 TODD (VO) (on TV) (overlaps) And when was the last
time you two spoke?

01:04:34:16 TRUMP (VO) (overlaps) Trump!

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01:04:35:04 LINDELL (OS) (on TV) (laughs) Hi, I'm MyPillow's—

01:04:37:03 ANDERSON (on TV) Upcoming here.

01:04:37:10 ON-SCREEN TEXT (ON NEWS

TELEVISION) LIVE

01:04:38:04 TRUMP (OS) Trump.

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01:04:38:08 HANNITY (on TV) Multiculturalism.

01:04:38:05 ON-SCREEN TEXT (ON NEWS

TELEVISION) LIVE
PRES. TRUMP: EIGHT FEET TALL?
or
01:04:39:17 ON-SCREEN TEXT (ON SPACE
TELEVISION) FIGHTERS

01:04:39:29 RACHEL (on TV) It was dramatic day.

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01:04:41:03 ON-SCREEN TEXT (ON BREAKING NEWS
TELEVISION) FIRST FERAL PRESIDENT
LIVE
NEWS
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01:04:40:03 TRUMP (OS/ON) (overlaps) Trump! Trump!

01:04:42:08 REPORTER (OS) (on TV) (overlaps) Reports.

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01:04:42:19 MITCH (snoring)

01:04:43:12 TRUMP (VO) (overlaps) Trump! Trump! Trump! Trump!

(continues under the following dialogue)

01:04:44:15 MITCH (overlaps) (startled) Oh, (sniffles). What the

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heck is that?

01:04:50:19 MAN 4 (ON/OS) Shut that president up, or I'm calling the
cops!
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01:04:55:03 MITCH (VO/ON) I'm told the president will be here soon to
sign an executive order mandating an F-
Sixteen enforced three p.m. curfew. He's just
wrapping up a, uh, Five-K sprint. There he is.
Let's take a look at that gold medal.

01:05:08:13 POLICE Did you lose a president last night? He's

about yay high and answers to Trump.
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01:05:11:13 TRUMP Mitch. Mitch. Mitch. Mitch.

01:05:13:09 MITCH He’s mine.

01:05:15:03 JILL BIDEN (VO/ON) Why the long face, Joe? I told you, not every
or
sweeping crime bill withstands the test of
time.

01:05:21:13 BIDEN I just know I'm gonna biff this debate.

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01:05:23:28 JILL But this debate is the most important fight of
your life. It could throw the whole race. Then
there goes my deeply personal First Lady
initiative on literacy or whatever.
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01:05:31:14 BIDEN Why can’t I be like Barack? That guy can
pause between words without the next words
bumping into each other and starting a
fistfight.
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01:05:38:06 JILL (OS/ON) You can watch your words. Remember how
you learned to stop reciting Cheech and
Chong routines around Julián Castro?

01:05:44:13 BIDEN To get it out of my system, you made me

recite them every morning in the shed. Jill,
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will you help me get in debatin' shape?

01:05:51:03 JILL Sure, yeah. I still teach college English full

time, but I could try to shift stuff around.
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01:05:56:12 BIDEN Hot dog and yellow mustard! I'm gonna learn
to debate without old ladies saying, “Good
heavens" and passing out in their soup.

01:06:05:03 MITCH (VO/ON) I can spin anything except for a police officer
finding you eating a diaper behind the White
House.

01:06:10:18 TRUMP So you're flawed. Not all of us can be me.

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01:06:12:17 MITCH For the first time, I regret aligning myself with
you.

01:06:15:14 TRUMP Mitch, you know where this is going. I rile up

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the voters with some fun call-and-response
hate speech, and by November fourth, you
and me are joined at the stinky, gangrenous
hip.
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01:06:24:18 MITCH (OS/ON) We're thinking of replacing you on the ticket
with someone whose name won't soon be
illegal to print.

01:06:30:12 TRUMP (gasps) You wouldn't dare. Besides, Antonio

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Sabato Junior would never play in the
Midwest.

01:06:36:06 MITCH (OS/ON) Nope. (whistles) Senator Romney.

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01:06:38:03 TRUMP (OS/ON) What? You know he gets off on upholding

the rule of law.

01:06:40:18 MITCH You need to learn to act like a domesticated

human president immediately or you can say
goodbye to the White House.
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01:06:48:03 TRUMP Hmm...

01:06:49:06 MITCH And this pie.

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01:06:50:04 TRUMP (ON/OS) (gasps) Pie! I'll do the one with pie.
(chewing)

01:06:56:02 ACT TWO

01:06:58:14 KELLYANNE (VO/ON) Welcome to Operation Act Normal for One

Freaking Minute. Because I'm the only
person who got you to stop forehead-flicking
Angela Merkel Mitch McConnell pulled me
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out of retirement to be your instructor.

01:07:09:09 TRUMP I should be fine as long as no one tempts me

to be a disgusting weirdo.
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01:07:12:27 RUDY GIULIANI (OS/ON) Hey, do you guys know why I would have
woken up in the middle of night and wrote
this note.

01:07:16:19 ON-SCREEN TEXT (ON Bunga

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NOTEPAD) Pit

01:07:17:08 KELLYANNE Out, out, out now! Donald, tell him to leave!

01:07:20:13 GIULIANI What? You didn't tell her Thursday's the day
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I come over and we shove our faces in bowls
of beef stew and itch our backs on the
furniture?
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01:07:26:28 TRUMP Sorry, it's been a busy one.

01:07:28:12 KELLYANNE (OS/ON) Go away, Rudy. You’re a bad influence on

Donald.

01:07:31:23 GIULIANI All right, geez. I’ll go. Donald, I convinced my

girlfriend to implant a third breast. I'll call you
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for your credit card info. Bye.

01:07:40:03 KELLYANNE Let's get to work.

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01:07:41:12 GIULIANI (OS) Bunga pit! A pit for sex, of course!

01:07:45:04 JILL (VO/ON) To win this debate, you just need to learn to
think before you speak. For practice, I've
arranged a mock debate with the easiest
possible opponent.

01:07:54:03 CHUCK While I didn't make my high school debate

team, I did make my mom call the school
and complain.
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01:07:58:04 BIDEN Oh, no, I feel prickly words poking in my
voice box.

01:08:01:03 JILL Just remember, think before you speak. First

or
question, as President, how will you lower
the unemployment rate?

01:08:07:16 BIDEN (OS/ON) Let kids enter workforce. They can crawl
around on the floor shining our shoes during
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meetings, mix your dad a drink, get paid in
tips. That’s a new tax base. Just don't grow
up and bellyache for free college. You kids
can pay your two hundred and eighty bucks
a year like everyone else!
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01:08:18:23 JILL (exhales) Chuck?

01:08:20:14 CHUCK I, on the other hand, conversely, will create a

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website where people can find jobs. I'm just

now realizing that many such websites exist,
but mine will have a mascot of a frog wearing
glasses.

01:08:29:21 BIDEN (OS/ON) I did bad I think.

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01:08:31:09 CHUCK (OS/ON) Perhaps, the performer is less incapable
than his competitor is formidable. Oh, my
shoes fell off.
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01:08:37:14 KELLYANNE (VO/ON) Okay, let's practice some dignified president
crap. Pretend you're in a bilateral press
conference with the president of, um, Smarty
Pants Land.

01:08:46:03 ERIC Wow! I thought Smarty Pants Land only

existed in my sketchpad.

01:08:49:29 KELLYANNE (OS/ON) Mister President, say something presidential.

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01:08:52:14 TRUMP Americans’ most important issue is
corruption in Ukraine, which is why they must
investigate Joe Biden.

01:08:58:07 KELLYANNE (OS/ON) Now, that's why the Democrats impeached

or
your ass. Remember?

01:09:01:13 TRUMP (OS/ON) The only thing I remember is when they had
to use a spatula to remove me from the
steam room.
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01:09:05:08 KELLYANNE (OS/ON) Oh, he's so stupid.

01:09:07:13 MITCH I'm not convinced he's human. Have you

checked for blowholes?
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01:09:10:23 KELLYANNE Every day. Eric, talk about trade or some
shit.
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01:09:14:05 ERIC Time for your close up, old boy. I-- (screams)

01:09:17:25 TRUMP (OS) I know you have pie in your pocket.

01:09:19:14 ERIC (OS) Stop biting and I’ll gladly scoop it out.
(screams)
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01:09:19:23 TRUMP (overlaps) (growling)

01:09:22:23 KELLYANNE Oh, I know how to handle him.

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01:09:26:03 JILL (VO/ON) Honey, I can't fix what's wrong with you in
two days. Guess I can forget my ceaseless
personal mission to promote child literacy or
team sports or whatever the campaign says
plays best in twenty-twenty-four.

01:09:37:05 BIDEN Hey, what'd you mean back there when you
kept saying, “Think before you speak.” For
Christ's sake, the hell's the matter with you?
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01:09:42:06 JILL Simple. Before you speak, take a second to
think about what to say, using your inner
voice.

01:09:48:03 BIDEN My inner I hardly know who now?

or
01:09:50:04 JILL (OS/ON) Of course, that's it! You've never paused
long enough before blurting your blather to
hear your inner voice. Hold on. As president,
how will you address the threat of climate
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change?

01:10:02:03 BIDEN (grunting)

01:10:03:07 JILL I can’t hear you, Joe, so you might as well

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stop shouting and listen to your thoughts.

01:10:10:13 BIDEN Whoo! (grunting)

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01:10:12:23 JILL What did you hear?

01:10:14:02 BIDEN I was trying to propose installing a giant

ceiling fan on the moon's ass. Then I heard a
shouty guy in my head saying, “It’s a fun idea
but sounds pricey.”
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01:10:21:19 JILL Joe, that was your inner voice!

01:10:24:02 BIDEN Holy crow! Where's my hammer? I'm just

gonna scare him.
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01:10:27:02 JILL No, Joe. Your inner voice is your friend, and
he's always there to help you say appropriate
things. You just have to listen.

01:10:34:08 BIDEN Wowee! I’m gonna name him, “Thinky.”

01:10:37:02 JILL Sure, fine. Now, we just need to find a way to

keep your body occupied so your mind is
free to do its thing.
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01:10:45:03 KELLYANNE (VO) Where do you think you're going?

01:10:47:05 TRUMP It’s been a few days since I've taken a piss
on John McCain’s grave.
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01:10:50:07 KELLYANNE No, bad President! Bad!

01:10:51:29 TRUMP Jesus, out of the way. I really have to go

potty.
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01:10:54:16 KELLYANNE Hey, hey, hey, President, want a diet pill?

01:10:57:19 TRUMP Ooh, ooh, ooh. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
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01:11:00:03 KELLYANNE Sit, sit.

01:11:01:23 TRUMP Oh, come on. Give it to me.

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01:11:04:03 KELLYANNE Sit or no elevated heart rate or bone-dry

sinuses for the President. I mean it.

01:11:09:08 TRUMP (OS/ON) (growls) Fine. Trump!

01:11:13:14 KELLYANNE Patience, patience. Now, you can eat your

over-the-counter speed.
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01:11:19:20 TRUMP (chews)

01:11:19:20 KELLYANNE (overlaps) Oh, yeah. That oughta suppress

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your appetite. Good President. Yes, you are.
Oh, my God, why are you so damp?

01:11:28:09 JILL (VO) You're finally ready to practice debating the

self-proclaimed master of the form.

01:11:33:02 OBAMA Just do what I do and be the most eloquent

orator of a generation. Easy, peasy, lemon
squeezy.
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01:11:37:03 BIDEN Oh, geez, did you hear that sentence? He
didn’t say a single nickname of a guy he
once fought with a hubcap!

01:11:42:13 JILL Your inner voice-- sorry, Thinky, will help you
or
this time. Just take a seat and distract your
body so you can focus your mind. First
question, as president, how will you address
illegal immigration?
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01:11:56:18 OBAMA One thing I will not do is throw asylum-
seeking children in cages. Those kids should
be caged with their mothers.

01:12:04:08 JILL (OS/ON) Joe, your response?

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01:12:07:02 BIDEN I… will… boost… border… security.

01:12:14:22 JILL My God, he's out-pausing Obama.

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01:12:18:09 BIDEN (ON/OS) But… call… the… wall… compassionate…

fencing.

01:12:25:22 JILL You did it, Joe! Not a blurt in the bunch!

01:12:29:07 OBAMA (ON/OS) The master has met his match. If you need
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me, I'll be blowing out the bolts on my
Peloton.

01:12:35:03 TRUMP (VO/ON) Trump, (barks) Trump!

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01:12:37:02 MITCH (OS/ON) How long does crate-training take?

01:12:38:23 KELLYANNE The Veterinarian and Presidential Historian

agreed as little as one night. Be a good
President and Mommy will be there in the
morning.

01:12:46:15 TRUMP (ON/VO) (whimpers) Trump! Trump! Trump! Trump!

Trump! Trump! Trump! Trump! Trump!
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(continues under the following dialogue)

01:13:02:03 KELLYANNE There's my baby. Do you feel racist, sexist or

criminally undisciplined?
or
01:13:06:15 TRUMP No, I just have to go pee.

01:13:08:05 MITCH And where do we go pee-pee?

01:13:10:04 TRUMP In the bathtub.

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01:13:11:03 KELLYANNE (OS/ON) Good enough.

01:13:12:23 MITCH Oh, who’s a good president?

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01:13:15:03 TRUMP I am.

01:13:16:18 BIDEN (VO/ON) Gee, folks, this is pleasant, huh? My noggin

ain't felt so clear since the dentist gave me
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happy gas and bolted in my naturally perfect

teeth.

01:13:24:08 JILL (ON/OS) Great. Now keep practicing so you can hear
your inner voice without squeezing wet mud.

01:13:30:13 THINKY (VO) Hey there, Joe. Que pasa, big papa?
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01:13:33:07 BIDEN (gasps) Thinky, is that you?!

01:13:36:03 THINKY (VO/ON) Is TV worse now than back in the day? Hey,
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close them eyes and let's hang out in your
big old head. Hey, man. Pretty neat inside
your mind palace, huh, folks? Really puts
stuff in perspective.

01:13:58:02 BIDEN It's sure does, Thinky. I don’t follow.

01:14:00:13 THINKY The troubles of life look pretty small when

you really think about 'em. In a way, folks are
just like little ants crawling on a rock, floatin’
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through space, folks.

01:14:08:14 BIDEN (OS/ON) Whoa, you're so smart, Thinky. Sorry, I tried

to threaten you with a hammer.
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01:14:13:04 THINKY (OS/ON) No prob, kemosob. Just a drop in the bucket
of galactic time.

01:14:17:13 BIDEN (chuckles) Whoa-ho-ho-ho!. Man, oh, man.

Thinking's fun. I wonder if I could think of a
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dog wearing a chef's hat. Hey, who let you in
the kitchen, doggie?

01:14:30:16 ON-SCREEN TEXT (ON CLOSED

SIGNAGE) FOR PRIVATE EVENT
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01:14:37:07 MITT I play the fife, you know.

01:14:38:13 MITCH Shut up, Mitt. Trump has gone from beast to
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beauty.

01:14:41:19 KELLYANNE And John McCain’s grave has never stunk of

piss less.

01:14:44:28 TRUMP So I was having dinner with George Clooney,

Jerry Seinfeld and Fran Lebowitz the other
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night, and Fran says to me, “Donald, how do
stay so humane in such a crazy world?” I
polish off the crudités and reply, “All anyone
needs is a roof over their head, a song in
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their heart, and a trumpet in their hands.”

01:15:09:19 CROWD (OS) Ooh!

01:15:14:22 TRUMP Same time next week. This has been fun.

01:15:17:04 KELLYANNE Wow, looks like someone’s getting another

four years of begging his wife not to divorce
him.
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01:15:22:13 TRUMP Hey, Kellyanne, what's that?

01:15:24:04 KELLYANNE (OS/ON) Mister President, we talked about this, the

old Donald Trump would pounce on that pie,
but the domesticated Donald Trump would
or
certainly not.

01:15:31:07 TRUMP Of course, I'm a smooth, suave president

who goes pee-pee in the bathtub, and
nothing will ever change that.
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01:15:36:14 MITCH (into phone) Code red. There's still a little
piece of him in there.

01:15:39:22 BIDEN In summary, the past, present and future

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exist simultaneously, and thus the perceived
flow of time is a load of codswallop.

01:15:40:03 NARRATIVE TITLE BREAKING

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THE BIDENS VIA SATELLITE

01:15:47:04 ANDERSON Same question again: What's with the

ponytail?

01:15:49:14 BIDEN I'm a thinking man now. Ignoring pointless

fiddle-faddle like haircuts and levity.
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01:15:54:02 ANDERSON Doctor Biden, you led the Vice President's
debate prep. How did it go? I assume like
World Wars one and two, having sex in a
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Burger King?

01:16:00:05 JILL Really well, I think. Tune in tonight ‘cause

Joe Biden’s coming out swinging.

01:16:05:03 BIDEN Public debate is masturbatory. Now that I

think about it, I shouldn't be running for
president at all. I should just sit in a meadow
and renounce my worldly possessions.
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01:16:13:18 JILL Will you excuse us?

01:16:15:03 ANDERSON Sure, of course, it's just live TV.

01:16:17:19 JILL You we're supposed to stop shouting

or
nineteen-twenty slurs for Italians, not turn
into Noam friggin’ Chomsky.

01:16:23:04 BIDEN Ain't it great? Everything's so dang

interesting when you think about it. Whoa, I
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just thought of lizards.

01:16:28:03 JILL You can't show up at the debate like this.

01:16:30:13 BIDEN Don’t you worry. I'm skipping the debate.

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Gonna go check out that meadow off I-
Ninety-five.

01:16:35:17 JILL You’re gonna throw this election away and

 Page 19

my first lady initiative with it. You're crippling

the cause of literacy, or team sports, or some
crap.

01:16:44:13 BIDEN (OS/ON) When you think about it, First Lady initiatives
aren't all that important.
H
01:16:48:03 JILL (gasps) I have no idea what my initiative will
be, but it will be as important to me as it is to
the focus group that selects it. I’ll be at my
sister’s feeling my eyes glaze over a pile of
BO
personal essays about my students’ trips to
Spain.

01:17:04:04 KELLYANNE (OS/ON) Are you okay, you mysterious genius?

01:17:07:04 TRUMP Yeah. I’m just waterboarding myself with my

own saliva.

01:17:10:04 KELLYANNE That's cool. Baby, want a diet pill?

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01:17:12:16 TRUMP I need that pie! (growls) Trump! Trump!
Trump! (growling)

01:17:17:23 KELLYANNE Just lock him in the laundry room. He likes to

hump the dryer.
or
01:17:21:05 ACT THREE

01:17:21:07 TRUMP (VO/ON) (howling) Trump! Trump! (growls) How long

do I have to stay here?
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01:17:34:23 MITCH Just till the general election. After that, you
can do whatever you want.

01:17:39:03 MITT Mmm. This is delicious. Hey, Mitch, you old

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pal, while Donald here is chained up, what
do you say we go have a spirited fitted-sheet
folding race?
 Page 20

01:17:47:17 TRUMP Whoa, Mitch. I'm still gonna be the nominee,

right? You wouldn't dare leave me for
someone who's never had a good chuckle
with the King of Saudi Arabia.

01:17:54:23 MITCH The presidency is too important.

H
01:17:56:14 MITT Yeah.

01:17:57:13 MITCH (OS) Mitt, get your goddamn arm off my shoulder.
BO
01:18:02:14 BIDEN (chants) Folks, folks. (speaks) Ah, achieving
total Nirvana kind of stinks. But what do I do
now? Find another Bodhi tree to sit under? I
got ant bites up my cracker jack as it is.

01:18:16:14 TRUMP (OS) (howling)

01:18:19:14 BIDEN Ah, crud. A coyote. I'd run, but I can't see
diddly zip with these specs. Can't see without
'em neither. Ah, Jill would know how to help.
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01:18:30:04 TRUMP (VO/ON) You can't let it end this way, Donald. Maybe
if they were giving the nomination to
Diamond and or Silk but not Mitt Romney.
(growls) (panting) Come on, Donald. They
or
can't chain you down. You’re an animal. You
have no complex thought, no sense of
humor. You're not above throwing your feces
at a harmless onlooker.
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01:18:53:08 MITT (OS/ON) Now Donald Trump laces his public
speeches with vulgarity, bragged about his
marital affairs. At the same time, he's called
George W. Bush a liar. The bullying, the
showing off, the absurd third-grade theatrics,
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he has neither the temperament nor the
judgment to be president. A phony.

01:18:54:17 NARRATIVE TITLE REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTIAL RACE

 Page 21

01:18:56:03 NARRATIVE TITLE C-SPAN

01:19:03:09 NARRATIVE TITLE C-SPAN

01:19:05:05 NARRATIVE TITLE C-SPAN

c-span.org
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01:19:12:04 TRUMP (growling) I am not human! (screams) Trump!

01:19:25:07 THINKY (OS/ON) So, when you think about it, a single-payer
BO
health care system is the only humane
option. Joe, you listening?

01:19:31:14 BIDEN Oh, sorry. Zoned out. Don't think I missed

anything important.

01:19:35:04 THINKY Joe, I can tell when something's on your

mind. I am your mind. It's time we parted
ways, so you can win that debate.
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01:19:41:23 BIDEN (OS/ON) But I thought the debate didn't matter in the
grand scheme of things.

01:19:45:04 THINKY It matters if it matters to folks that matter to

you. Your wife and millions of concerned
or
citizens are countin’ on you, not to be a
smarty-pants-thinking man, but to be a blunt
force object that can finally knock out Trump.

01:19:57:22 BIDEN What if I get excited and blurt out a bunch of

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voter bloops?

01:20:01:04 THINKY (OS/ON) Your unfiltered emotion is kind of the only

thing you got going for you. Besides, since
when was Joe Biden held accountable for his
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words?

01:20:08:15 BIDEN Or his alleged actions.

 Page 22

01:20:11:03 BIDEN (VO/ON) Ah, ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

01:20:22:19 ON-SCREEN TEXT (ON See you at

PAPER) the debate
Love,
Quick Draw Joe
H
01:20:26:13 HOST (VO) Welcome to the first debate of the Twenty-
twenty general election.

01:20:28:10 NARRATIVE TITLE PRESIDENTIAL

BO
DEBATE

01:20:29:18 CHRIS WALLACE Good evening, I'm Chris Wallace, the only
Fox News host not yet denounced by the N-
double ACP. Tonight, rumors are swirling
that Senator Mitt Romney may replace the
increasingly unruly President Trump as the
Republican nominee. If true, we could see a
bigger meltdown than when Sean Hannity's
divorce lawyer called with bad news about
N
the house in Aspen.

01:20:50:08 MITT (ON/OS) I will restore the Republican Party to the

dignity and sensibility of the Bush years.
Together, we will build a better future for a
or
handful of rich seventy year olds named
Charles.

01:20:59:18 TRUMP (growls)

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01:21:00:02 MITT (ON/OS) Thank you. (screams) One of my shirttails is
part way untucked.

01:21:04:13 CHRIS A reminder to the audience, please remain

quiet and hold your reactions until the very—
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01:21:09:15 TRUMP Trump!

01:21:11:16 MITCH I gotta stop covering my bases by praying to

 Page 23

God and Satan.

01:21:15:04 TRUMP (growls)

01:21:17:02 CHRIS (ON/OS) Welcome and good God, Mister President.

First question, what do you say to critics who
have called your response to the global
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pandemic, quote, “sluggish, inadequate,” and
I'm sorry, I'm distracted about what looks like
venom dripping from your teeth.
BO
01:21:28:09 TRUMP (overlaps) (growling)

01:21:30:26 CHRIS Oh, dear. See you in hell, Roger Ailes.

01:21:33:18 BIDEN (OS/ON) Hold it right there, you loudmouth piece of no

good scrap rubber blown in from the old
nonsense factory in the Polish part of
Crapville. You're gonna march back to that
lectern so we can jaw joust like civilized
fellas with problematic blind spots. Got it?
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01:21:45:04 TRUMP (whimpering)

01:21:46:03 CROWD (OS/ON) (cheering)

or
01:21:46:14 JILL Way to go, Quick Draw Joe. And no one's
calling the anti-defamation league.

01:21:51:13 THINKY (VO) Wowee, Buckaroo, that was some mighty

fine tongue-slinging.
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01:21:55:29 BIDEN Gee, thanks, Thinky. Oh, no! I'm listening to
my thoughts. I'm gonna go all namby -pamby
again.
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01:22:01:28 TRUMP (ON/OS) Trump! Trump! Trump!

01:22:05:13 BIDEN Don’t panic, Joe. You thought up a plan for

this, remember? Blunt force object! Beat it
 Page 24

inner voice. Joe Biden don't need no

thoughts. I’ll chase you all the way down
through my ass if I have to. Hey, you, you…

01:22:17:04 TRUMP (overlaps) Trump! Trump!

01:22:18:13 CHRIS (overlaps) I almost regret making oodles of

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cash off these guys.

01:22:21:13 MITCH I feel shame juice seeping into my ambition

cortex.
BO
01:22:25:02 KELLYANNE What do we do, Mitch?

01:22:26:17 MITCH I’ve got an idea.

01:22:28:14 THINKY (VO) Okay, geez. Thinky doesn't want any trouble.
I’ll hit the road, Kemosob.

01:22:31:05 JOE And never come back, you hear? Thanks,

buddy. I'm really gonna miss you. No, I ain't.
N
All you ever done was drag me down and
enrich my life beyond my wildest dreams.

01:22:43:15 MITT Oh.

or
01:22:44:16 MITCH Where's the pie asshole?

01:22:46:04 MITT Oh, wha-?

01:22:47:02 MITCH No way a domesticated dork like Mitt

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Romney would ever deign to eat a full slice
of pie in one sitting. Where’d you stash it?

01:22:53:19 MITT I’m--I'm getting sleepy.

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01:22:55:15 MITCH Hurry up or I'll loosen the knot on your tie
and send photos to your entire congregation.

01:23:01:06 BIDEN AND TRUMP (growling)

 Page 25

01:23:04:14 CHRIS Fox News wants me to remind voters that at

least Trump hasn't spent this debate
describing his genitals.

01:23:10:13 MITCH Quick. Where are the diet pills?

H
01:23:12:04 KELLYANNE He won’t eat it. He just wants pie!

01:23:14:14 MITCH Put the diet pills in the pie.

BO
01:23:17:03 KELLYANNE That's why you're the puppet master, Mitch.
Over here, you mysterious genius.

01:23:23:13 TRUMP Aaah! (chewing) Mmm. Oh, yeah. (chewing)

(grunting) Uh-huh. To answer your question,
Chris, my critics are all Soros-funded
operatives, who I will personally lock in
solitary confinement in the secret jail under
the Smithsonian.
N
01:23:45:03 CHRIS Huh, that series of grunts appeared to be in
the Queen's English. Credit goes to
President Trump for not mentioning any
ethnic stereotypes in his response.
or
01:23:56:03 ANDERSON (VO/ON) Last night, Vice President Biden proved that
he doesn't need to watch his words to beat
Trump. In fact, shouting a string of deranged
threats might be the only tactic that works on
our beastly president.
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01:23:58:11 ON-SCREEN TEXT (ON BREAKING
TELEVISION) BIDEN’S THOUGHT LESS
PERFORMANCE
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NEWS
LIVE

01:24:05:07 JILL It's good to have you back, my lovable

 Page 26

liability. Thank God we no longer live in an

age of collegially-behaved presidents.

01:24:12:05 BIDEN Yeah, America might finally be uncivilized

enough to elect Joe Biden. Thanks for all
your backbreaking instruction that I've
completely thrown out.
H
01:24:20:17 JILL My pleasure, honey. Say, I've got eight hours
of Twelfth Night PowerPoint presentations to
click through. Want to give me a hand?
BO
01:24:27:06 BIDEN Nah.

01:24:30:03 MITCH (OS/ON) Mister President, I forgive you for trying to

eat Chris Wallace. Actually, snap polls show
your base really responded to the threat of
violence.

01:24:38:09 TRUMP Do I look like a guy who doesn't know what

he's doing?
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01:24:40:19 MITCH Just keep taking your diet pills, and I promise
to keep my wagon hitched to your filthy,
squealing hog truck through Election Day.
You're an unsympathetic subhuman beast
or
and that's why you're our top Republican.

01:24:55:18 GIULIANI (VO) Donald, come quick. I dug a Bunga pit. Want
to watch me hump my way out?
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01:25:29:00 TRUMP (VO) Oh, can I, Mitch? Can I? Can I? Can I?

01:25:32:14 MITCH (VO) Oh, I suppose.

01:25:04:03 GIULIANI (VO) All right!

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01:25:04:03 TRUMP (VO) (overlaps) Yay!

01:25:05:14 CLOSING SEGMENT

 Page 27

01:25:06:07 SINGERS (VO) (singing) Donald Trump is the president

Donald Trump is the president Is Donald
Trump the president? Yes, he is Yes, he is,
we elected him president Is Donald Trump
the president? Yes, he is We had a vote and
elected him president Donald Trump is the
H
president! Donald Trump, he is the president
We made him president We did that. Donald
Trump is the president We elected Donald
Trump Donald Trump is the president Donald
BO
Trump is the president Yeah, yeah Yeah,
Trump!

01:26:50:10 END OF EPISODE

2nd QC: Ellen M.

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or
di
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