OUR CARTOON PRESIDENT

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WARTIME PRESIDENT
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0315
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or
VISUAL DATA MEDIA SERVICES
610 N. Hollywood Way AIR DATE:
Burbank, CA 91505 LOCKED CUT SCRIPT CREATION: Oct 15, 2020
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01:00:00:00 OPENING SEGMENT

01:00:10:16 MAIN TITLE Our CARTOON

PRESIDENT

01:00:11:09 BIDEN (crying)

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01:00:11:10 OBAMA (overlaps) Don’t worry. I’ll keep an eye on him.

01:00:18:00 ACT ONE

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01:00:18:11 HOLT I'm Lester Holt, and I look great in this sweater.
So I'm hoping Civil War won’t disrupt the new
autumn fashion. As the Coronavirus Pandemic
rages on, the recently infected President Trump
canceled a campaign stop at a D.C. hospital.
Later at that very same hospital, a new hero of
the pandemic emerged when a brave mop bucket
single-handedly stopped a dolly of precious
ventilator parts from tumbling down a stairwell to
total destruction. Many are commending the mop
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bucket for its bold and selfless leadership.

01:00:18:17 NARRATIVE TITLE LIVE NEWS

01:00:33:20 NARRATIVE TITLE BREAKING NEWS

or
AMERICA’S MOP

01:00:44:26 TRUMP (OS/ON) Rudy, the TV’s being mean to me again. Fix it.
Fix it.
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01:00:49:11 GIULIANI Hold on, hold on. Hey, thanks again for letting me
crash in the Oval while they spray my place for
crotch crabs.

01:00:54:23 TRUMP They get mad at me if I don't show up to the

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hospital. They get mad if I do show up without a
mask and give everyone COVID. Would it kill 'em
to say something nice about me for a change?
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01:01:04:05 TV NARRATOR (VO) (on television) And the President's fearless

leadership-

01:01:06:08 TRUMP Ooh!

01:01:07:27 TV NARRATOR (VO) (on television) Won him an unprecedented fourth

term in nineteen-forty-four.
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01:01:10:08 TRUMP Oh, good. I did it. Wait a minute, it's not nineteen-
forty-four. It's two-thousand-five.
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01:01:15:10 TV NARRATOR (VO) (on television) Coming up, how FDR cemented
his legacy as the great wartime president. You're
watching the History Channel. If it's not World
War Two, it's not history.

01:01:23:21 TRUMP How come PBJ got four terms?

01:01:25:22 GIULIANI (ON/OS) He may have been a lefty snowflake obsessed

with public parks, but FDR was kind of a Slick
Rick. He used war to unlock a whole new level of
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executive power. He got reelected three times
and barely even had to campaign.

01:01:39:10 TRUMP Wow! You mean he never had to show up at

dumb hospitals where none of the nurses are
or
tens?

01:01:44:00 GIULIANI I know! Genius! No fugly first responders killing

his buzz.
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01:01:48:08 TRUMP Ah! It sounds like a lot of extra work. Besides, I'll
always be beloved by my people. Who else can
provide them the opportunity to wear a red hat
and have scream seizures in a converted rodeo
arena once a month?
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01:02:00:19 CUOMO (OS/ON) But moving on to our top story, the governor of
New York has announced a new initiative to
finally start working on that lousy jump shot ‘a his!
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01:02:02:14 NARRATIVE TITLE COVID

DEATH
TOLL
RISES

01:02:07:05 ANDREW CUOMO Oh, you know I had the meanest crossover at
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Saint Anthony's Academy for political legacies.

01:02:07:18 NARRATIVE TITLE BREAKING

MY BIG BRO IN STUDIO
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01:02:12:20 CUOMO Hey, big brother, maybe you should “crossover”
to a new brand of mouthwash. I can smell your
breath from here. Pee-ew!

01:02:18:06 ANDREW CUOMO Hey, seriously, little brother, congrats on the

mondo ratings. Just remember who the big
respected big guy is in our family, huh? That's
why I’m Ma’s favorite--

Ohh! Just for that, I'm telling Ma you’ll bring the

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01:02:26:18 CUOMO
soup to Sunday dinner this week.

01:02:30:04 ANDREW CUOMO Oh, I hate doing all that stirring.

or
01:02:33:04 CUOMO That's all the time we have tonight on Cuomo
Primetime. Thanks for joining us, Governor.

01:02:37:04 ANDREW CUOMO All right. I love you.

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01:02:38:03 CUOMO (ON/OS) I love you so much, it hurts my freakin’ brain. You
did it, Chrissy. Soaring ratings, adoring viewers,
and your very own dressing room with a special
sign on the door that says ‘CNN.’ All thanks to a
funky little virus that makes you hallucinate
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smoking hot mermaids on the ceiling. Oh,
Tapper’s on. Gotta take time to support those
less beloved than me.
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01:02:56:00 TAPPER (OS/ON) (on television) He may have won his personal
battle with the virus, but President Chump,
famous for his eating habits, is about to be
served an electoral knuckle sandwich by the
pandemic of American lives. That's our show.
Thank you to CNN for awarding me the
prestigious Excellence In Stoicism and
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Newsmanship Medal for the fourth year in a row.
(on TV) I shall wear it with pride.

01:02:58:07 ON-SCREEN TEXT (ON AMERICAN

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CAP) LIVES

01:03:02:17 ON-SCREEN TEXT (ON FACTS

FLAG)

01:03:09:01 NARRATIVE TITLE TAPPER

01:03:10:07 NARRATIVE TITLE NEWS

LIVE
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01:03:19:18 CUOMO Medal? Newsmanship? Shall?

01:03:23:06 TRUMP All of the experts I've consulted from an old

edition of SkyMall Magazine say this miniature
Fonzie birdfeeder has shown promising signs of
or
curing Coronavirus. Either that or it will bring
rocking memories of the nineteen-fifties to your
very own front lawn.

01:03:36:14 REPORTER (OS) Mister President, can you address the rising
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Coronavirus death toll?

01:03:39:21 TRUMP Ugh, for the billionth time, no!

01:03:41:26 REPORTER 2 (OS) What about the fact that you contracted
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Coronavirus after downplaying its severity for
months?

01:03:46:09 TRUMP (groans) Next question please.

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01:03:48:10 REPORTER 3 (OS) Any comment on the prominent Mop Bucket

whose third-party write-in campaign for president
is rapidly gaining steam? Have you considered
asking the mop bucket for guidance?

01:03:56:10 TRUMP Oh, I hate that stupid bucket because of, uh,
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bucket gate. Very crooked stuff. I won't say any
more. The bucket is a pedophile. Okay, we're
done here.
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01:04:07:15 TAPPER (OS/ON) Then President Chump steals the sheriff's badge
from Deputy Democracy, which brings us to our
dark night of the soul.

01:04:14:10 CUOMO (OS/ON) Knock. Knock. Ha-ha. Just kidding. I made that
sound with my mouth. Pretty good, huh? I just
want to congratulate you for your medal thingie.
Seems pretty neat.

01:04:22:03 JAKE Ah, thank you, good sir. Nice of you to stop by in
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person. Anderson Cooper always just sends me
a Vanderbilt signet ring.

01:04:28:21 CUOMO Geez, joo-la-ree? What does he think you are? A

chick?
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01:04:31:19 JAKE Ho, ho, very good. You know you sometimes
remind me of a young Jake Tapper.

01:04:36:18 CUOMO Really? But I'm not nearly as serious as you.

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Plus, your name is Jake and mine's Chris
Cuomo.

01:04:41:13 TAPPER (ON/OS) You're full of potential! With the right training, you
could be a real respected newsman like me. The
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kind of unflappable luminary who isn't afraid to
put himself right at the center of a story that
would otherwise not involve him in any way.
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01:04:54:15 CUOMO Geez, thanks, Mister Tapper, but I'm already

pretty respected as it is. I mean, I got a sign on
my door that says ‘Christopher News Network’
and everything.

01:05:01:10 TAPPER Well, if you change your mind, give me a call. A

true newsman never backs away from a
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challenge of their own stratospheric power and
influence, much like President Chump never
backs down from a Twitter duel at the Covfefe
Saloon. (chuckles) “Covfefe Saloon,” that's
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funny-- gotta get that in.

01:05:20:00 TRUMP (OS/ON) Give it to me straight, Rudy. How'd I do it at the

press conference? Did Q’Anon dox the bucket
yet?

01:05:24:18 GIULIANI That mop bucket is untouchable like the go-go

dancer at Bazongas who says if I touch her calf
again, she'll punt my jaw. Sixty-eight percent of
Americans say they would trust the mop bucket
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in a leadership position.

01:05:35:15 TRUMP That's nothing to worry about, unless the

presidency isn't a leadership position. Is it?
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01:05:42:00 GIULIANI It is.

01:05:42:11 TRUMP Ugh!

01:05:43:08 GIULIANI But there’s still hope, Donald. Think about it.
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What's the one thing you can do that that Mop
Bucket can't?

01:05:48:02 TRUMP I don't know. Swim?

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01:05:49:09 GIULIANI No. Declare war. It's a foolproof re-election hack.
If I had the power to declare war, I'd have finally
been able to use the Havana Club toilet without
the busboy calling in a SWAT team.
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01:05:59:08 TRUMP Ehhhh, I don't know.

01:06:00:27 GIULIANI Also, COVID affected you personally.

01:06:02:17 TRUMP Then something must be done!

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01:06:05:03 ON SCREEN TEXT (ON DIVE BAR
SIGNAGE)
BAR
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01:06:05:28 CUOMO (OS/ON) (into phone) So get this, Ma, I'm talking to John
Kerry, you know, on my TV show.

01:06:10:02 CUOMO’S MOM (OS) (over phone) Uh-huh, wow.

01:06:10:25 CUOMO (into phone) And I says to him, I says, “You may
have fought the VietCong, but I’m waging an
unwinnable war against your breath!”

01:06:11:02 ON-SCREEN TEXT (ON 9 41 88

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JERSEY SHIRTS)

01:06:16:07 CUOMO’S MOM (OS) (over phone) (groans) Oh, Chrissy! Oh, my Lord!

01:06:17:11 CUOMO (overlaps) (into phone) He got a real kick out of

or
that. (off phone) Hey, I'll take another pint of the
house red on the rocks when you get a chance.
(into phone) Whoops, gotta go. Andrew just sent
me a video. Classic Big Brother. Love you, Ma!
(off phone) Ah, what respectful tribute have my
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fans cooked up now?

01:06:23:06 ON-SCREEN TEXT (ON MESSAGE

PHONE) Big Bro
check out this video!!
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CHRIS
CUOMO
GREATEST
MOMENTS
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01:07:59:02 ON-SCREEN TEXT (ON CHRIS

PHONE) CUOMO
GREATEST MOMENTS

CHRIS CUOMO GREATEST MOMENTS

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01:06:31:05 CUOMO (VO) (over phone) Time for Chris Cuomo’s greatest
(chuckles) hits. Hey, Mister Kissinger, the
American people would really like to know how
much you squattin’ these days? I'd say two
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hundred easy with buns like that. Hey, we'll get
back to the old Petofi crisis in a sec. I gotta ask
you about that ad, Tommy. Welcome to the
show, Colin Powell. So your name sounds like
part of an ass, huh?

01:06:51:16 ON-SCREEN TEXT (ON MESSAGE

PHONE) Big Bro
Pretty good huh?? LOL
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01:06:52:16 TAPPER (OS/ON) (on TV) Good night, and remember, I'd be
nothing without my devoted loyal viewers
worshipping at my feet.

01:06:54:14 ON-SCREEN TEXT (ON BREAKING

or
TELEVISION) RESPECTED HOST JAKE TAPPER
CONCLUDES SHOW

01:06:58:26 CUOMO I think I want to be a serious news guy.

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01:07:03:25 TRUMP (OS/ON) (grunting) Yeah, well, if I'm up, I'm up. Where's
my Sudafed?

01:07:10:00 FDR (OS/ON) Donald, my boy, it is I, Franklin Delano

Roosevelt, but you may call me FDR.
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01:07:16:05 TRUMP Nice to meet you, Mister PBJ.

01:07:18:14 FDR I heard you're having a spot of trouble with this

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old Coronavirus flipperdickle.

01:07:24:00 TRUMP Uh-huh.

01:07:24:18 FDR You know, my friend, there are a few similarities

we share.
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01:07:28:15 TRUMP I hate sharing. Give 'em to me! They’re mine!

01:07:30:18 FDR (ON/OS) I remember the days leading up to World War

Two. Hitler steadily invading Europe, shipping
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Jews to concentration camps by the thousands,
and then one day, something bad happened.
Pearl Harbor. It was then that I knew we had to
go to war, and thus I became a wartime president
handily winning an unprecedented four straight
elections.

01:07:52:05 TRUMP (OS/ON) Wow! You must be so cozy.

01:07:55:05 FDR That, I am, dear boy. But such coziness must be
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earned through the gumption and hard work to
confront the enemy. You must go to war.

01:08:05:01 TRUMP I want it. I want it.

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01:08:06:00 FDR Very good, my boy. Claim… your… destiny.

01:08:10:17 TRUMP I must become a Blanket President-- I mean,

Wartime President.
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01:08:17:12 ACT TWO

01:08:18:03 TRUMP (OS/ON) Crowd in, everybody. I haven't been feverish in

hours. The United States is under attack from a
vicious enemy targeting our most vulnerable
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blanket-less presidents. I therefore today request
from Congress a formal declaration of war
against Coronavirus. No matter where
Coronavirus hides, we will smoke it out of its
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cage and shoot it dead. And remember that not

voting for a war is political suicide.

01:08:43:11 AUDIENCE (overlaps) (cheering)

01:08:47:15 MALE SINGERS (VO) (singing) War, war, war, we’ve got to go to war.
War is good and we are good. And that is why we
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must go to war. The virus, the virus, we must
defeat the virus. We must restore religions on
those countries on small islands, but for now we
wager war on the virus!
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01:08:48:09 ON-SCREEN TEXT (ON The Washington Bee
NEWSPAPER) CONGRESS APPROVES MILITARY
ACTION AGAINST VIRUS
“It’s Something” Say Top Democrats

01:08:55:11 ON-SCREEN TEXT (ON U.S.S. STACEY DASH

WARSHIP FRAME)

01:08:57:18 ON-SCREEN TEXT (ON The American Register

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NEWSPAPER) TRUMP REINSTATES DRAFT
UNEMPLOYMENT DOWN 80%
Democrats Support “with Reservations”

01:09:00:22 ON-SCREEN TEXT (ON FREE

or
SIGNAGE) CORONAVIRUS
TESTING

BUY WAR BONDS

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01:09:02:11 ON-SCREEN TEXT (ON BUY WAR BONDS
SIGNAGE)

01:09:04:20 ON-SCREEN TEXT (ON Capitol Daily Record

SIGNAGE) FIVE MILLION NEWLY EMPLOYED
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TROOPS DEPLOYED OVERSEAS
Coronavirus Cases Skyrocket Across Middle
East
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01:09:12:08 TAPPER (OS/ON) Welcome, Christopher, to the natural habitat of a

serious newsman: my studio.

01:09:17:02 CUOMO Whoa, this TV studio looks just like it does on TV.
Man, I gotta call my brother, and get this, he's the
frickin’ Governor of New York.
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01:09:24:19 TAPPER Ah, ah, ah, not so fast, Christopher. Your brother
is a public figure, and you mustn't mix the news
with your personal life. These are the cardinal
rules of serious newsmanship. One, the guest is
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your enemy, not your friend, and two, the
audience doesn't tune in to see your guests; they
tune in to see you.

01:09:35:11 ON-SCREEN TEXT (ON Serious Newsmanship

PLAQUE) 1. The Guest is your Enemy.
Not your Friend

2. The Audience doesn’t

tune in to see your Guest
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They tune in to see You.

01:09:42:14 CUOMO But Mister Tapper, what if the guest is my

brother? My brother's my friend.
or
01:09:46:01 TAPPER Blood may be thicker than water, but the news is
the thickest thing of all. And that thick, thick news
is what runs in our veins, my boy.

01:09:55:10 CUOMO Wow. So that's what came spurtin’ out of my

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head after I tried to race a swordfish on my jet
ski?

01:10:00:10 TAPPER Now, pretend we're on your show and deliver me

any news story without mentioning any family
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members. Go on, try it.

01:10:08:18 CUOMO Okay. Uh, leading epi-dee-mee-ologists say that

there could be a second wave (clears throat) a
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second wave of—of, one time I went to a Mets

game with my brothers Andrew and Mario Junior,
and we did the wave and we almost made it onto
Fox Sports. Did I do it?

01:10:22:03 TAPPER The answer is a resounding no.

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01:10:26:26 TRUMP (OS/ON) And finally, the Trump International National Air
Force Base-Slash-Resort-Slash-Casino will
feature the world's first swim-up omelet bar. All in
service to my perfect war.
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01:10:30:04 ON-SCREEN TEXT (ON LUXURY BARRACKS CASINO
FRAME)
HEAVY ARTILLERY
SUPPLY TRAINING

PADDLE BOATING

GOLF COURSE
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01:10:38:00 MNUCHIN Yeah, Mister President, normally when it comes
to military spending, I'd say the drone-filled sky's
the limit. But your war is extremely unpopular
with the American people right now.
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01:10:46:01 TRUMP But I like the war. I'm having a great time.

01:10:49:05 POMPEO With all due respect, sir. I'm not sure how this will
be perceived as helpful to our Armed Forces’
overall mission.
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01:10:54:10 TRUMP Fine. We can convert one of the infinity pools into
an interrogation pit, but I'm not getting rid of the
water slides.
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01:11:00:20 POMPEO Of course, sir. But unfortunately, the selfish
American people refuse to see your side of
things.
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01:11:05:06 MNUCHIN They're this close to rioting, and our riot gear
budget alone is already, like, seven NASAs.
Sorry, Mister President, but we can't do much till
more Americans support the war.

01:11:13:20 TRUMP Oh. (groans)

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01:11:18:05 CUOMO (OS/ON) It’s no use, Mister Tapper. I'm just a dumb
meathead with a head full of meat. I'll never be
nothing like the big shots Cronkite and Jennings
and you.
BO
01:11:25:14 TAPPER Well, I-- Wow. Cronkite and Jennings, really?
Well, uh, say, Christopher, haven't you ever
heard of the legendary Italian-American news
man, Vince, uh, News?

01:11:35:06 CUOMO Who?

01:11:35:25 TAPPER (ON/OS) Why Vince News, of course! He ruled the

airwaves in the golden age of news. He never
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backed down from asking the hard-hitting
questions, and once even fiercely interrogated
his own brother, the governor of New… Zealand,
which is why he was awarded the first ever CNN
Stoicism and Newsmanship Medal.
or
01:11:40:21 ON-SCREEN TEXT (ON NEWS
TROPHY)

01:11:45:05 NARRATIVE TITLE ARE WE

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CARPET BOMBING
ENOUGH
KOREANS?

01:11:56:18 CUOMO Whoa. Mister Tapper, do you think I could be the

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next Vince News?

01:12:00:15 TAPPER Does democracy die in darkness?

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01:12:02:25 CUOMO Please just answer the question, Mister Tapper.

01:12:04:14 TAPPER My God, he's got it.

01:12:08:04 GIULIANI (OS/ON) Listen, Mister President, I wasn't just born

America’s Mayor. I had to earn the people's trust
after September whatever it was. In times of
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national tragedy, you don't get to skip right to the
fun stuff. First, you got to act real serious and sad
to show people you really care.
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01:12:25:12 TRUMP But I hate doing things people tell me to do.

01:12:28:14 GIULIANI But then after you drop the act a few weeks later,
people will praise you for your poise and
leadership forever even if you went straight up
town from Ground Zero to pork a Romanian
escort behind the Time Square Forever Twenty-
One.

01:12:41:28 TRUMP Praise you forever?

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01:12:43:08 GIULIANI You bet your flat ass. It's all about showing these
suckers that you care.

01:12:47:05 TRUMP (ON/OS) You know what, Rudy? I think I might just be on
or
to something here. And so, my fellow Americans,
we must all remember that the enemy is not our
hot buff president or his cool war, but this horrible
stupid virus. We must not let this war divide us.
You're either with us, or you're with the virus.
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Good night.

01:12:54:22 ON-SCREEN TEXT (ON ON AIR

MIC)
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01:13:07:21 GIULIANI Way to go, Donald. For the first time in eight
months, your name is trending completely
independently from the phrase “prolapsed anus
mouth.”
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01:13:14:12 TRUMP (OS/ON) Yes, take that, pervert mop bucket!

01:13:16:26 GIULIANI (OS/ON) Oh, and by the way, you've earned this. Don't
mind the oyster cracker crumbs.

01:13:23:25 TRUMP I did it. I'm a blanket President.

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01:13:30:15 CUOMO Good evening, one and all, and welcome to the
premiere of the Christopher Cuomo Primetime
Serious Show As It Were.
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01:13:33:09 NARRATIVE TITLE CHRISTOPHER
CUOMO
PRIME TIME
SERIOUS SHOW
AS IT WERE

01:13:35:10 TAPPER Dammit, Tapper, you're good.

01:13:37:00 CUOMO (OS/ON) Our guest tonight is an elected official from New
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York as it were. Good evening, Governor.

01:13:37:10 NARRATIVE TITLE BREAKING

NY GOVERNOR IN STUDIO
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01:13:40:15 ANDREW CUOMO Hey, little brother. Why so serious? (chuckles)
The Joker.

01:13:43:21 CUOMO (clears throat) Governor Cuomo, despite early

praise, some have called your response to the
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Coronavirus pandemic, as it were, sorely lacking.
Care to respond?

01:13:51:02 ANDREW CUOMO Come on, Chrissy, what's the big idea?
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01:13:52:25 CUOMO I'll take that as a no, as it were. Governor Cuomo,
experts say social distancing could have saved
thousands if implemented even one week earlier.
Why did you resist early calls for a statewide
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shelter-in-place order, as it were?

01:14:04:11 ANDREW CUOMO I--I, uh--

01:14:05:16 CUOMO At the risk of editorializing, Mister Cuomo, you

are an objectively evil murderer unfit for public
office, and I am ashamed to share your last
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name. That's all the time we have this evening.
Good night, America, as it were.

01:14:16:12 TAPPER Tapper!

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01:14:17:06 ANDREW CUOMO Can we go back to talking about basketball?

01:14:21:02 TRUMP (OS/ON) Good night, America. Stay strong, support our
troops and tune in tomorrow to hear about my
patriotic new initiative, replacing the CDC chief
with a redheaded alcoholic who killed Bin Laden.
I could use a vacation. Swim-up omelet bar, here
I come!
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01:14:22:15 ON-SCREEN TEXT (ON ON AIR
MIC)

01:14:36:00 GIULIANI (OS/ON) Not so fast, Donald. Just because you get to stop
campaigning doesn't mean you get to stop
or
working. You got to stay put if you want those re-
elections.

01:14:43:03 TRUMP (OS/ON) But I want to be first in the waterslide. I'll be

damned if I have to wait in line behind a bunch of
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Gold Star widows.

01:14:49:04 GIULIANI (ON/OS) Being a wartime president is a full-time job. It's

not a normal nine-to-five like slumlording or
dressing room supervision. If someone snaps a
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photo of you eating a dropped omelet out of a
pool filter, there goes your new image. You'll
need to stick by that fireplace until Election Day
twenty-twenty and Election Day twenty-twenty-
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four, Election Day twenty-twenty-eight, Election

Day…

01:15:08:17 TRUMP War is hell.

01:15:11:08 CUOMO’S MOM (OS) (over phone) (muffled shouting) Christopher

(muffled shouting) Your brother!
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01:15:12:05 CUOMO (into phone) (overlaps) Ma, Ma, quite yelling at
me. I’m disinvited to Sunday dinner? But it's a
Sunday dinner. What do you mean, “after what I
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did to my poor brother?” Ma, listen, the news is
thicker than blood. No, that's not stupid. Maybe
you're stupid? Wait, Ma--Ma, I'm sorry!

01:15:27:00 ON-SCREEN TEXT (ON MESSAGE

PHONE) Big Bro
CHRIS CUOMO
BIGGEST
RUDE GUY
NARC
N
MOMENTS

01:15:28:05 CUOMO (VO) (over phone) Ah, yes. Indubitably, as it were.

01:15:35:02 HANNITY (VO) (over phone) The brand-new Trump National

or
International Air Force Base-Slash-Resort-Slash-
Casino was paid a visit by a prominent mop
bucket who was among the first to go down that
base's brand-new waterslide.
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01:15:51:16 TAPPER (OS/ON) Knock. Knock.

01:15:53:02 CUOMO Nice try. I know you did that with your mouth.

01:15:55:26 TAPPER Well spotted, my boy. I just wanted to say how

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impressed I am with your, dare I say, Tapper-
esque lack of levity. I have a little something for
you from the network.
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01:16:04:19 CUOMO Unless it's a plate of my Ma’s Sunday ravioli, I'm

not interested.

01:16:08:06 TAPPER This, my boy, is worth one-thousand raviolos. It is

my great honor to award a fellow recipient the
CNN Excellence In Stoicism And Newsmanship
Medal.
H
01:16:16:19 ON-SCREEN TEXT (ON CNN
MEDAL) EXCELLENCE
IN STOICISM AND
BO
NEWSMANSHIP
AWARD

01:16:19:00 CUOMO (sarcastically) Oh, great, jewelry. What am I? A

chick?

01:16:22:02 TAPPER What's gotten into you? You're riffing and

bopping like a common stand-up comedian!

01:16:26:00 CUOMO You ruined my life, you dumb stunad!

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01:16:28:03 TAPPER Whoa. No need for such colorfully ethnic
language. Normally a thing of beauty, now
employed at my expense!
or
01:16:34:19 CUOMO Screw you, Jake Tapper. I bet that wasn't even
what Vince News really looked like!

01:16:38:17 TAPPER Vince News wasn't real--

di
01:16:40:00 CUOMO (gasps)

01:16:40:13 TAPPER But merely a figment conjured from my

unstoppable imagination to help you. I now
realize that was a mistake. Good night and good
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luck, Christopher.

01:16:49:16 CUOMO My hero, Vince News? Not real?

 Page 19

01:16:54:06 TRUMP (OS/ON) I hope you're happy. I'm hot, bored and
everything smells like barbecue, but there's no
barbecue. Anywhere! I checked!

01:17:01:11 GIULIANI You just got to hang in there, Donald. This isn't
mapping out your cousin's erogenous zones. It
doesn't happen overnight in a hot tub.
H
01:17:07:15 TRUMP You did this to me, Giuliani. Because of your
genius advice, I'm stuck being a boring wartime
president forever! But I guess that's something a
BO
measly little forever-Mayor could never
understand!

01:17:19:11 GIULIANI Hey, now, there's lots of stuff I don't understand.

How birds boink, how to make any of the toilets in
my house work again, but it'll work out. The same
way everything worked out for me. Ooh-wee! I
can feel the bedbugs on my left flank. It feels like
they're appointing a queen.
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01:17:32:18 TRUMP I don't want to hear it! You know sometimes I
wonder if you're even on my side at all! (shrieks)

01:17:37:07 GIULIANI Whoa, whoa, whoa. Good thing I got this pint of
house red.
or
01:17:41:08 TRUMP (ON/OS) Oh, blanket! My blanket! (screams)

01:17:46:06 ACT THREE

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01:17:46:11 POMPEO (OS/ON) Bad news from the front, sir. Our skirmishes
overseas have ballooned into full on wars and the
freshly-drafted civilians are getting their behinds
handed to them.
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01:17:54:12 TRUMP Uh-huh.

01:17:55:03 POMPEO Also, that redheaded alcoholic you put in charge

of the CDC resigned after claiming he took the
 Page 20

Coronavirus out with a headshot in twenty-

eleven.

01:18:02:14 TRUMP Okay.

01:18:03:07 POMPEO I'm sorry to say it, but the U.S. might be on track
to lose its first ever war. Several decades from
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now, of course.

01:18:08:17 TRUMP I already lost my blanket. Nothing can hurt me

now.
BO
01:18:13:15 TAPPER (OS/ON) (over television) And now for a very special spin-
off edition of President Chump, I give you Chris
Bozo. Chris Bozo was an unhappy monkey who
asked his great friend Jake Zookeeper to teach
him how to stop eating bugs and flinging
excrement at his zoo viewers. But then the
ungrateful Chris Bozo insulted Jake Zookeeper’s
cartoons, which if they're good enough for “The
Dartmouth,” are certainly good enough for Chris
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Bozo. And so Bozo went right back to monkeying
around with his monkey tail between his monkey
legs. Monkey see, monkey don’t?

01:18:24:12 NARRATIVE TITLE ZOO

or
MONKEYS

01:18:31:01 NARRATIVE TITLE SPLAT!

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01:18:34:12 NARRATIVE TITLE SPLOOSH!

01:18:34:16 NARRATIVE TITLE SQUISH!

01:18:35:13 NARRATIVE TITLE #1

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BEST CARTOONS
DART MOUTH

01:18:44:21 NARRATIVE TITLE ZOO MONKEYS

 Page 21

01:18:46:17 NARRATIVE TITLE Tapper

01:18:47:03 CUOMO That Chris Bozo guy kind of reminds me of me.

01:18:51:09 TRUMP (OS/ON) (groans) Blanket. Want my… blanket.

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01:18:56:06 FDR (OS) Patience, my boy.

01:18:57:26 TRUMP Blanket?

BO
01:18:58:12 FDR Donald, you mustn’t give up now! You're almost
halfway through the beginning of the first act of
phase one of your wartime presidency’s early
days!

01:19:08:02 TRUMP But my war is losing, Mister PBJ, and I already

lost my blanket.

01:19:12:13 FDR A wartime presidency isn't like mapping your

cousin's erogenous zones. It doesn't happen
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overnight in a clawfoot bathtub. You must keep
fighting the enemy just as I did until it claims your
very life.

01:19:25:12 TRUMP Haven’t I done enough to fight the enemy by

or
ignoring it until it knocked out me and half my
staff?

01:19:30:08 FDR And I couldn't have done it all without the help of
my beautiful cousin wife, Eleanor Roosevelt.
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01:19:36:02 TRUMP (OS/ON) (gasps) She's frumpy. She's frumpy. I don't want
to be like PBJ! (gasps) Enough! A real wartime
president doesn't let a war be the boss of him.
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01:19:46:23 ON-SCREEN TEXT (ON CNN
MEDAL) EXCELLENCE
IN STOICISM AND
NEWSMANSHIP
 Page 22

AWARD

01:19:48:12 TODD (OS/ON) Hi, ex-excuse me, Mister Cuomo, I was in the
building for an adult scavenger hunt and geez,
Mister Cuomo. Why the large face?

01:19:54:05 CUOMO Forget about it. In fact, forget about everything.

H
01:19:56:16 TODD Well, I just want to, uh, congratulate you on the
new show. Righteous business! But I always did
admire the way you were so “you” on your old
BO
show. Guess, I liked them both, huh.

01:20:05:27 CUOMO I tried to get everyone's respect, but I'm just a

gullible goof who fell for Mister Tapper’s fake
Vince News cartoon.

01:20:11:14 TODD Whoa, Mister Tapper drew a cartoon for you?

Righteous business. For him to devote his
priceless imagination to you in cartoon form, he
must really respect you.
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01:20:19:14 CUOMO No one respects me. I should have never tried to
become a serious newsman. Now I'm as caught
in the middle as the hawk before it gets buffed,
but after it gets green.
or
01:20:27:00 TODD Aw, come on, Mister Cuomo. Newsmanship is a
spectrum. There's just as much room for serious,
highly revered newsmen like Jake Tapper and
myself as there is for down-to-earth goofballs like
di
you and Lester Holt.

01:20:36:01 CUOMO Really?

01:20:37:18 TODD Of course. Well, see you around.

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01:20:39:26 CUOMO Hey, kid. Catch.

01:20:42:03 TODD Wow, thanks, Mister Cuomo.

 Page 23

01:20:43:26 CUOMO No, thank you.

01:20:45:05 TODD Wow, geez, this thing's pretty heavy.

01:20:49:21 GIULIANI What the hell are you doing, Donald?

H
01:20:51:12 TRUMP (ON/OS) Something I should have done a long time ago.
You had it all wrong. PBJ and I are nothing alike.
I don't need to play by his rules or his war. I can
be a wartime president in my own way, idiot!
BO
Today, I bravely decided to declare victory
against Coronavirus. It's time to bring our troops
home to America, where they belong, waiting
twelve years for the VA to approve their trauma
counseling. Finally, in remembrance of the
heroism of me and sacrifice we all endured, I
hereby designate my blanket horrifically maimed
in the flames of war to be displayed in the
Smithsonian in a place of supreme honor next to
Archie Bunker's chair. I'll either do that or drop
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nuclear bombs on all the Coronavirus hot zones
in America.

01:21:34:05 REPORTERS (cheering)

or
01:21:34:13 REPORTER Yeah, do the blanket thing.

01:21:35:29 TRUMP I’m thinking blankets.

01:21:37:19 NARRATIVE TITLE NEWS

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ALERT

01:21:38:26 TAPPER I'm Jake Tapper, and every man is an island. We

may drift close to one another but never truly
touch. Today's top story--
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01:21:39:01 NARRATIVE TITLE BREAKING
TOP STORY: JAKE TAPPER’S THOUGHTS
 Page 24

01:21:46:14 CUOMO (OS) (interrupts) Excuse me. Excuse me.

01:21:47:18 TAPPER Well, if it isn't the rude Mister Cuomo trespassing

on my very show!

01:21:52:10 CUOMO Excuse me, Mister Tapper, but my top story is I

have something to show you. One day, the stupid
H
monkey Chris Bozo lost sight of what's important
and lost his Sunday dinner and his family along
the way. He even lost his friend Mister Tapper,
who was only trying to help him out. Monkey see,
BO
monkey… I'm sorry, Mister Tapper.

01:21:55:22 ON-SCREEN TEXT (ON Chris

PAPER) Bozo

01:22:04:08 ON-SCREEN TEXT (ON ME TAPER

PAPER)

01:22:12:11 TAPPER That drawing was really bad.

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01:22:14:10 CUOMO You mean it?

01:22:15:10 TAPPER Apology accepted, Christopher. If I may, I'd like

to shake your hand.
or
01:22:20:08 CUOMO Oh! Hands off the merchandise!

01:22:24:00 GIULIANI And now without further ado, unless anyone

wants to hear my Chechen massage parlor story
again, the man whose bravery and leadership
di
inspired this very Trump Monument, President
Donald Trump!

01:22:35:17 TRUMP When I first declared this war, I thought I needed

a big foreign enemy in order to be a wartime
c
president. But the real war was inside me all
along. You see, a Trump war isn't fought with
sweeping invasions, but with individual drone
strikes of hatred and personal cruelty. I'll always
 Page 25

be a wartime president because I will always

have an enemy in those who try to drag me
down. Whether it's my cabinet, my advisors, my
immune system, that mop bucket or even stupid
President PBJ and his butt-ugly wife. And so, I
vow that a war like this one will never happen
again, unless I feel like it. I still kind of want to
H
drop an atomic bomb. Anyway…

01:23:14:00 REPORTERS (cheering)

BO
01:23:17:05 CUOMO (OS) Oh, watch it! Will you? You’re getting’ sauce on
my Hugo Boss!

01:23:20:05 ANDREW CUOMO Lighten up, little brother.

(OS/ON)

01:23:22:00 TAPPER Indeed, Christopher. Lighten, lighten.

01:23:14:10 CUOMO Welcome back, folks, to the Christopher Cuomo

Primetime Series Show As It Were Ayy Just
Kiddin’ Get Over Here, Kid. Tonight, we're talking
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Trump’s whole Coronavirus deal. You believe this
guy? Va fongool!

01:23:24:21 NARRATIVE TITLE CHRISTOPHER

or
CUOMO
PRIME TIME
SERIES SHOW
AS IT WERE AYY JUST KIDDIN’
GET OVER HERE, KID
di
01:23:33:16 ANDREW CUOMO Hey, Va fongool!

01:23:34:09 TAPPER (ON/OS) Disappointing to say the least. This sauce is

fantastic.
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01:23:38:00 ANDREW CUOMO (OS) (imitating Tapper) “This sauce is fantastic.”

01:23:40:08 CUOMO (OS) (laughs) Oh, you got him, big brother. I love you
 Page 26

guys.

01:23:43:12 ANDREW CUOMO (OS) Love you, too.

01:23:43:23 TAPPER (OS) And I love you as well.

01:23:45:21 CLOSING SEGMENT

H
01:23:45:23 SINGERS (VO) (singing) Donald Trump is the president. Donald
Trump is the president. Is Donald Trump the
president? Yes, he is. Yes, he is, we elected him
BO
president. Is Donald Trump the president? Yes,
he is. We had a vote and elected him president.
Donald Trump is the president! Donald Trump, he
is the president. We made him president. We did
that. Donald Trump is the president. We elected
Donald Trump. Donald Trump is the president.
Donald Trump is the president. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, Trump!

01:25:30:14 END OF EPISODE

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2nd QC: Ellen M.
or
di
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