11 Ways to Confuse and Disarm a

Narcissist
Co-authored by Jay Reid, LPCC and Dev Murphy, MA
Last Updated: June 14, 2024 Fact Checked

If someone in your life is egotistical, lacks empathy, and has an inflated sense of self, you
may consider them to be narcissistic. It's important to note, though, that just because
someone displays narcissistic tendencies, it doesn't mean they have Narcissistic
Personality Disorder (NPD). NPD can only be diagnosed by a licensed therapist, and not
everyone with NPD is manipulative or abusive. [1] If the person in your life is controlling,
toxic, and calculating, it may seem like a challenge to outsmart them, but you can put them
in their place by setting boundaries and taking away their ability to manipulate you. We're
here to help you confuse and disarm them with this psychology-backed guide.

1
Be unpredictable.

Manipulative people are comfortable when they know what to expect. Some
egoistic people work hard to learn how to get certain reactions (mostly praise) out
of you because their self-worth is defined by what others think. When you do or
say something unpredictable, they completely unravel because their primary
defense mechanism—knowing how to play you—is gone.[2] Throw them off their
game by:
Changing how you react to their grandiose claims (if you typically push back,
try randomly agreeing with them to confuse them).
Taking a new leadership position over them if you’re coworkers or classmates.
Suddenly showing them little or no reaction to their behavior.

Advertisement

2 Say “no” when they ask for favors.

 People with big egos often expect others to do things for them. An inflated
sense of their own importance may make them feel entitled to special treatment
from everyone. Start saying “no” to their requests—they won’t know how to react
to the rejection at first and will be shocked to have to manage on their own.[3]
They may try to persuade you to regain control of you. Stay firm and stick to
your boundaries—backpedaling is an invitation for them to keep poking. Over
time, they may learn to respect your boundaries.
Switching up when you say “yes” and when you say “no” is a good way to
make yourself unpredictable and keep them on their toes.

3
Remove all emotion from your reactions to them.

They may want you to blow up so they can villainize you. If they can’t get your
attention, they might try to elicit a negative emotional response from you and paint
themselves as a victim. They’ll point to your outburst as evidence that you’re
mean or volatile. Confuse them by keeping your cool—put on a neutral face,
speak calmly, and stick to the facts. Don’t mention anything about how you feel or
bring up past emotional experiences with them.[4] Disarm them by:
Non-judgmentally commenting on what’s happening, like “There isn’t a reason
to be upset right now” or “Your behavior seems aggressive.”
Giving them simple “yes” or “no” answers to their questions and trying not to
directly agree or disagree with them.
Using your body language to show them you’re relaxed and unbothered: keep
your muscles relaxed and your arms uncrossed.

Advertisement

4
Bore them with the “gray rock” treatment.

It’s exactly what it sounds like: be as useless and boring as a gray rock.
Manipulative or self-absorbed people may only want others around to use them or
to entertain themselves. If you don’t have anything to offer them, they’ll get
puzzled and leave you alone. To use the gray rock method, don't show any
physical expression, respond in as few words as possible, and be as boring and
unhelpful as you can be.[5]
 This is a great, subtle tactic to use when you’re stuck with this person and
can’t remove yourself from the situation.
They’ll likely poke and prod to get some kind of rise out of you. Eventually,
they’ll either drop their manipulative act and interact with you in a polite and
maybe even genuine way—or they’ll leave you alone to seek attention from
someone else.

5
Guard your sensitive information closely.

Manipulative people often gather info about you to control you later. They’ll
find ways to twist your secrets, past experiences, or insecurities to their own
advantage. The solution? Be an enigma to them and offer no personal information
about yourself. The less they have on you, the more confused they’ll be by you.[6]
It’s hard to withhold information if you live with a narcissistic family member or
partner. Try to only share what’s necessary.
Keep conversations brief and avoid personal topics like your childhood or love
life. Always speak carefully when you answer their questions about you.
It’s hard for manipulative people to misquote silence. When in doubt, just stop
talking to them.

Advertisement

6
Walk away while they’re talking.

A manipulative person is strongest when they're in the room talking at you.

Their game is mostly verbal, so confuse them by simply not playing along. Look
for ways mid-chat to leave them hanging—use the restroom, fake a phone call, or
find an excuse to end the conversation. They’ll doubt their manipulative abilities if
they can’t hold you in a conversation.[7]
Disengaging is a self-care tactic too. Talking with a self-absorbed or toxic
person can often feel frustrating, depleting, and like you’re hitting your head
against a wall.
If they start to yell or get verbally abusive, leave the room or hang up the
phone to reinforce that you will not let them talk that way to you.
7
Cut off all communication.

Self-important people get confused when people don’t want to talk to them.
They’re the ones that are used to discarding people, so when it happens in
reverse, they feel confused, defeated, and maybe even panicked. Don’t answer
their calls, texts, or DM’s, or interact with them at all if you can help it.[8]
The more desperate they are for attention, the uglier their attempts to reach
you will be.
Going “no contact” is a tool many controlling people use to passive-
aggressively manipulate others. They’ll be thrown off by a taste of their own
medicine.

Advertisement

8
Point out their dishonesty directly.

It's rare for someone to call out a toxic person for their behavior. They’re
used to everyone believing them or just going along with it. Be blunt and tell them,
“You’ll say anything to seem right.” They’ll flail and lie again to save face, so just
call them out again (“See? You just did it again!”).[9]
This tactic is even more effective if you do it while other people are around to
witness it.

9
Ask them questions about their faulty logic.

Manipulative people often lie to protect their image or control others. A

simple clarifying question directed back at them will give them pause. They’ll often
do a total 180 and change opinions, ideas, or stories when they realize you’re not
falling for their faulty logic.[10] Ask them things like:
“Can you explain that timeline again? It sounds like you were in 2 places at
the same time…”
“Did you mean to take all the credit for a team project, or was that an
accident?”
“Are you asking me to help you with the yardwork, or just to do it all for you?”
 Advertisement

10
Shine the spotlight on someone else.

Egoists falter when validation is pulled out from under them. People with
massive egos are usually self-absorbed because their self-esteem is secretly
really low. They cling to validation and may feel threatened or confused when
someone else receives recognition. So combat their need to be the center of
attention by putting someone else in the spotlight. They’ll be confused when they
see others getting validation that they think belongs to them.[11] Try:
Clarifying who they have to share credit with for projects or group
assignments.
Prompting someone to share an interesting story at a party.

Brene Brown, Author & Professor of Social Work

Understand what it means to be a narcissist. "Narcissism is
the most shame-based of all the personality disorders.
Narcissism is not about self-love at all. It’s about grandiosity
driven by high performance and self-hatred. I define narcissism
as the shame-based fear of being ordinary."

11
Do your best instead of letting them win.

People with huge egos are often bewildered when somebody beats them. It
just doesn’t fit with their constructed fantasy. They discourage competition by
making others feel less important, capable, valuable, skilled, or special. Put them
in their place by not holding back in competition with them.
Perform at your best, whether you're playing a board game or recreational
sport.
Take a leadership role at school, at work, or in the community.

Advertisement
Expert Q&A

Question

Why do narcissists suddenly act nice?

Jay Reid, LPCC

Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor
Expert Answer

When you start to pull away, narcissists will try to suck you back in. They may
suddenly be really nice to you to bait you. However, they'll go back to their old
ways after you get comfortable again.

Question

Is it possible to have a healthy relationship with a narcissist?

Ruby
Top Answerer

Yes. Relationships can be difficult for people on both sides of the relationship, but
openness can help a relationship. Narcissistic personality disorder can be difficult
for the person who has it, and it can also affect their relationships, so it's
important to understand the disorder. You should both be able to communicate
your boundaries and be open about your feelings. If this is difficult, you can try
relationships therapy.
 Question

Why do narcissists not want to comfort their partner who is in pain?

Ruby
Top Answerer

They may lack empathy. This means that they find it hard to put themselves in
someone else's shoes. For this reason, they may not be able to understand why
their partner is in pain. A lack of empathy doesn't make someone a bad person,
but it can make relationships difficult. You should encourage openness in your
relationship and to communicate your feelings better.

Advertisement

Tips

Remember that not everyone with clinical NDP is abusive or manipulative, and
many people with NPD are able to manage their behavior with therapy and/or
medication.[12]

If their behavior hurts you, it’s important to set boundaries or distance yourself
from them.

It’s usually better to disengage a manipulative or toxic person than to try to

confuse or confront them, especially if they’re abusive.

Advertisement

Expert Interview

Thanks for reading our article! If you’d like to learn more about narcissism, check out
our in-depth interview with Jay Reid, LPCC.
 References

1. https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-
disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662
2. https://www.healthyplace.com/personality-disorders/malignant-self-
love/narcissistic-routines
3. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/5-types-people-who-can-ruin-your-
life/202109/4-tips-saying-no-narcissist
4. https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/peaceful-parenting/201810/how-
bypass-narcissist
5. https://www.insider.com/how-to-use-gray-rock-method-narcissist-no-contact-2019-
6
6. https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/peaceful-parenting/201810/how-
bypass-narcissist
7. https://upjourney.com/how-to-communicate-with-a-narcissist
8. https://upjourney.com/how-to-make-a-narcissist-fear-you
9. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/ambigamy/202002/how-humiliate-
absolute-narcissist
10. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/communication-success/201705/how-
talk-narcissist-about-being-narcissistic
11. https://www.healthyplace.com/personality-disorders/malignant-self-
love/narcissists-reaction-to-deficient-narcissistic-supply
12. https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-
disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662
Advertisement