Controlling Narcissists: Setting

Boundaries & Deescalating Behavior

Learn how to take control away from a narcissist
Co-authored by Liana Georgoulis, PsyD and Sophie Burkholder, BA
Last Updated: June 14, 2024 Fact Checked

Setting Healthy Boundaries | Responding to Their Behavior | Finding Help & Support | Video | Expert
Q&A | Tips | Warnings

Someone with narcissistic traits may try to control others using manipulation, threats,
flattery, and similar strategies. If you have someone like this in your life, you might be
thinking that it’d be nice to turn the tables and control this person instead. While it’s not
healthy to try to control another person for any reason, there are strategies you can use to
improve your interactions with someone who behaves in a narcissistic way. In this article,
we’ll show you how to set boundaries, address negative behavior, and get support while
you deal with a narcissistic personality in your life.

Dealing with a Narcissist

Establish healthy boundaries to avoid letting them push you around.

Create consequences for ignoring your boundaries, and follow through.
Stay calm when they try to get a rise out of you.
Use non-accusatory “I” statements to express yourself.
Deescalate the situation with empathy and active listening.
Lean on loved ones, support groups, or therapists if needed.
If you feel unsafe or are being abused, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at
800-799-7233.

Setting Healthy Boundaries

1. Decide what behavior you will and will not accept.
Think about how the person has violated your boundaries in the past and what
you’d like to see change. This may include the way they talk to you, their
expectations of you, or how they treat you in general.[1] Make a list of anything
the person has said or done that has violated your boundaries. Some examples of
boundary violations may include:[2]
Calling you names
Threatening you
Shouting or screaming at you
Blaming you for their problems
Criticizing you or making fun of you
Demanding that you do things for them
Lying to you and denying it later
2. Express your boundaries to the person in a direct, yet gentle
manner.
It’s important to express your needs to the person in a direct way so that it’s very
clear what you’re requesting. With someone who demonstrates narcissistic traits,
however, you may have more success if you avoid making demands of them.[3]
For example, you might say something like, “I enjoy spending time with you,
but I’ll have to leave if you call me that name again.”
Or, you might say, “I’m glad you called, but I will need to hang up if you keep
yelling at me.” Keep your tone friendly and your voice calm.
Avoid getting angry about the things they say and do. For example, avoid
responses like, “You can’t talk to me like that! I’m leaving!” or “If you don’t stop
yelling at me right now, I’m hanging up!”
These statements are more forceful and someone who tends toward
narcissistic reactions may get more upset in response.
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3. Follow through with consequences for violating a boundary.

Once you’ve expressed the boundary to the person and the consequence for
violating it, see if they abide by it. If they violate the boundary you’ve just set,
follow through with your pre-established consequence.[4]
For example, if you tell the person you’re going to leave if they call you a
specific name again and they repeat the name, then get up and leave.
If you have warned the person that you will hang up on them if they keep
yelling at you and they continue to yell, hang up the phone.
 Make sure that you follow through with your established consequence right
away. Don’t give them a second warning, hesitate, or give in if they try to
apologize or convince you to stay using flattery.
4. Anticipate changes in your relationship as a result of your
boundaries.
Once you start setting boundaries with the person and enforcing them on a
regular basis, you may notice that the person behaves differently around you or
wants to spend less time around you. This is because they will have realized the
dynamic is changing and they cannot get what they want from you as easily or at
all anymore. This is a good thing, but it may be difficult at first.[5]
For example, after setting boundaries with the person about the way they
speak to you, you might notice them speaking to you less or ignoring you
completely.
Even though the change might be quite noticeable, don’t indicate that you’ve
noticed any difference in their behavior or your relationship with them.
5. Reflect and regroup if you become lax with your boundaries.
There might come a time when you do not enforce your boundaries or when the
person finds a way to skirt them. If this happens, reflect on the situation and
identify how you can reinforce your boundaries in the future.[6]
For example, if you have set a boundary about leaving the room if the person
calls you names or threatens you, but you don’t leave the room on one
occasion, reflect on why this happened.
Were you distracted? Did they do or say something to make you stay? How
can you overcome this obstacle to enforcing your boundaries for the next
time?
Keep in mind that enforcing your boundaries will be an ongoing part of your
relationship with the person. Be persistent and continue to enforce your
boundaries with the person on a regular basis.
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Responding to Their Behavior

1. Stay calm and avoid rising to their attempts to upset you.

Someone with narcissistic qualities may make comments that are meant to get a
rise out of you—don’t take the bait. Respond calmly to what this person says to
you, and if you find yourself getting upset, stop and take a deep breath or go for a
walk to calm yourself before you engage with them.[7]
It’s perfectly fine to walk away from the person if they’re being abusive toward
you. If the person is criticizing you, blaming you, calling you names,
threatening you, or doing something else that is upsetting you, you have every
right to walk away.
2. Listen to the person carefully and attentively when they talk.
Craving attention is a key trait of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), so
someone who’s been officially diagnosed with this disorder may like to talk a lot.
[8] Be prepared to be on the receiving end of most conversations and show them
that you're actively listening to them. Some things you can do to show that you’re
listening include:[9]
Smiling and nodding while maintaining eye contact.
Saying things like, “Yes,” “I see,” and “Mmhmm,” to encourage them to keep
talking.
Asking questions to clarify if something they say is unclear, such as “What did
you mean when you said you had a bad day?”
3. Distract them by asking about a topic that interests them.
People with narcissistic qualities love to talk about themselves and share what
they know, so asking them about something that they find interesting is a good
way to distract them from their anger. This may be especially useful if they’ve
been arguing with you or verbally attacking you.[10]
For example, if the person knows a lot about cars, you might ask them a
question about cars. Or, if they consider themselves knowledgeable about
money, you could ask them for financial advice.
You might have to wait until the person has calmed down slightly to engage
them in this way. For instance, if they’re sulking or giving you the silent
treatment, try waiting 20 minutes and then ask them a question to distract
them.
4. Show empathy for their feelings to soothe them.
While people diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) may be
incapable of empathy for other people, showing them empathy can help calm
them down if they’re feeling upset. Try saying something to them to indicate your
concern for them and your empathy for how they must feel.[11]
For example, you might say something like, “You must have felt very upset to
have to wait so long for a ride home.”
 Or, you might engage them with something like, “It seems like you’re pretty
angry right now. What’s bothering you?”
Keep in mind that NPD is a very real and very challenging mental health
condition. NPD symptoms may manifest as egotistical and sometimes
manipulative behavior—however, someone who’s been medically diagnosed
with the personality disorder is likely suffering from severe insecurities and
challenges with empathy that they have little-to-no control over.[12]
5. Avoid feeding their superior self-image.
A key feature of narcissistic behavior is that the individual appears to feel superior
to others (but in reality, they’re deeply insecure and unsure of themselves).[13]
As a result, they gravitate toward people who feed this image of themselves, but
doing so will only make matters worse. Avoid giving the person what they want if
they fish for compliments or brag about themselves. Ignore their comments or
change the subject.[14]
For example, if the person is going on and on about what a great salesman
they are, try saying something like, “Yeah. Oh, by the way, do you have any
ideas about what you want to do this weekend?”
If you do want to give the person a sincere compliment when you think they
deserve it, that’s fine. Just avoid complimenting them all the time or this will
inflate their sense of self even more.

Brene Brown, Author & Professor of Social Work

Understand what it means to be a narcissist. "Narcissism is
the most shame-based of all the personality disorders.
Narcissism is not about self-love at all. It’s about grandiosity
driven by high performance and self-hatred. I define narcissism
as the shame-based fear of being ordinary."

6. Use non-accusatory "I" language to express yourself.

Occasionally, you will have a dispute with someone who’s continually acting in a
narcissistic way. That individual will likely be offended if you bluntly criticize them,
but that doesn't mean you need to back down completely. When you point out
what the person has done wrong, simply phrase it as a personal and subjective
opinion instead of an accusation.[15]
In general, "I" language reduces defensiveness, aggressiveness, and rage.
People with narcissistic traits, especially, are known to demonstrate these
reactions in excess, so mastering "I" language will give you significant
leverage.
 For example, say "I feel hurt by your actions" instead of saying "You just did
something really cruel and careless."
7. Research what they tell you since they may be lying to you.
If something conflicts with their view of themselves, a person with narcissistic
qualities will reflexively lie to avoid facing it. This means that you may not get
accurate information from them 100% of the time. If you have any doubts about
what the person is saying, look into it for yourself. Don’t take everything they say
as the truth.[16]
For example, if the person relays a story about something that happened at
work and it makes them out to be the hero, get someone else’s perspective on
the matter.
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Finding Help & Support

1. Reach out to friends and family for support.

Regularly dealing with someone who has diagnosed narcissistic personality
disorder (NPD) or who demonstrates some narcissistic traits can be exhausting
and disheartening. If the person is a friend, you might be able to avoid spending
as much time with them, but it can be especially difficult if you live with the person
or work with them. Talk to trustworthy friends and family members about what
you’re going through and ask for their support.[17]
Try saying something like, “I’m having a hard time dealing with John's
behavior. If I need to talk sometime, can I call you?”
However, be cautious of labeling people as narcissists just because they
exhibit some traits of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). NPD can only be
diagnosed by a licensed mental health professional.[18]
Everyone has faults, and calling people narcissists without any input from a
medical professional may be factually inaccurate, damage your relationship
with this person, and contribute to the stigma around NPD.
2. Join a support group or online forum to connect with others.
If you’re not getting enough support from friends and family or if you just want a
different group of people to talk with about your experiences, look into a support
group. You may be able to find a local support group, or you can join an online
forum if there are not any groups in your area.[19]
 Try looking on mental health websites to find local and online support groups,
or join a forum on a website, such as Reddit.
3. Find a therapist to talk through your feelings.
[20] Having a safe space to vent and share about your relationships can help you
to feel better in your day-to-day life. A therapist can also teach you tools for
communicating with someone who behaves in a narcissistic way, as well as how
to respond when they say or do upsetting things.[21]
You can ask your doctor for a referral, ask friends and family for suggestions,
or search online to find a therapist.
4. Call a domestic abuse hotline if you’re being abused.
If the situation has become verbally, emotionally, or physically abusive, reach out
to people who can help you. Call a domestic abuse hotline or call emergency
services if you’re in danger, such as if the person is threatening you or trying to
attack you physically.[22]
There are different types of abuse, such as physical, which can include hitting
or throwing things at you, verbal and emotional, which can include yelling,
blaming, or ordering you to do something, as well as sexual, which can involve
them forcing you to touch them or have sex with them. No abuse is
acceptable. If you feel threatened or in danger, reach out for help.
Reader Poll: We asked 317 wikiHow readers who’ve been victims of abuse,
and 65% agreed that it's important to maintain safe boundaries after leaving a
dangerous partner by blocking their number and social media accounts.
[Take Poll]
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Expert Q&A

Question

Can you reason with a narcissist?

Liana Georgoulis, PsyD

Licensed Psychologist
Expert Answer

Narcissists struggle to understand or take others' perspectives. There can be no

resolution if someone is not willing to agree on your right to have a perspective
and a voice.

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Tips

It can be difficult to be around someone with narcissistic traits since they may
blame, criticize, or use other tactics to chip away at your self-esteem. Work on
building up your self-esteem to make it easier to endure their behavior.[23]

In certain cases, you may need to consider leaving the person for the sake of your
own safety and mental health.

It’s important to remember that not everyone with diagnosed NPD is an abuser or
toxic person—and many people are abusive and manipulative without having
NPD. Rather than worry about the person’s potential NPD diagnosis, focus on
their behavior and your own responses to protect yourself and your mental health.

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Warnings

Trying to control a person with narcissistic traits may not work since they are often
very controlling themselves. Instead, focus on yourself and your reactions, such
as by being more assertive.
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References

1. Liana Georgoulis, PsyD. Licensed Psychologist. Expert Interview. 6 September

2018.
2. https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-
disorder.htm
3. https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-
disorder.htm
4. https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-
disorder.htm
5. https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-
disorder.htm
6. https://blogs.psychcentral.com/narcissism-decoded/2017/06/11-ways-to-set-
boundaries-with-narcissists/
7. https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/peaceful-parenting/201810/how-
bypass-narcissist
8. Liana Georgoulis, PsyD. Licensed Psychologist. Expert Interview. 6 September
2018.
9. https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-human-beast/201202/talking-
narcissist
10. https://www.businessinsider.com/how-to-stop-argument-with-narcissist-2018-2
11. http://www.psytalk.info/articles/narcissist.html
12. https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-
disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662
13. https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-
disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662
14. https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/peaceful-parenting/201810/how-
bypass-narcissist
15. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/understanding-narcissism/201710/how-
de-escalate-fight-narcissist
16. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/narcissism-demystified/202003/13-keys-
understanding-narcissist-speak
17. https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-
disorder.htm
18. https://health.clevelandclinic.org/narcissist-signs
19. https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-
disorder.htm
20. Liana Georgoulis, PsyD. Licensed Psychologist. Expert Interview. 6 September
2018.
21. https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-
disorder.htm
22. https://www.thehotline.org/resources/narcissism-and-abuse/
23. https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-
disorder.htm
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