How to Deal with a Narcissistic Person

Co-authored by Liana Georgoulis, PsyD and Sophie Burkholder, BA

Last Updated: June 14, 2024 Fact Checked

It can be difficult to deal with people who display narcissistic traits. You may feel frustrated
by someone in your life acting superior to you or like they deserve special privileges and
recognition. While these are symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder, keep in mind
that only a licensed professional can diagnose someone with NPD. However, if you feel
manipulated or hurt by someone with narcissistic traits, there are practices you can
implement to deal with that person and improve your relationship.

Method
1 Dealing with a Narcissist Long-Term

Educate yourself on narcissistic personality disorder. Calling someone a

1 “narcissist” doesn’t mean that they’re just self-centered or have a big ego—
narcissistic personality disorder is a complex mental health condition with a
variety of symptoms that range in severity.[1]
Common symptoms of people with NPD include a need for frequent
admiration, difficulty handling criticism, and challenges seeing situations from
other people’s perspectives.
However, it’s crucial to understand that many people have these traits but
would not meet the requirements to be diagnosed with NPD.
Only a professional psychologist who has spent a significant amount of time
with an individual can identify if said person has narcissistic personality
disorder.[2]
It’s important to note that a diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder (or
conduct disorder for persons under 18) does not mean someone is a
narcissist.

Try to show compassion. Being compassionate toward someone who's hurt

2 you may be easier said than done. Try to remember that someone with
narcissistic qualities may truly be struggling with a mental health condition.
Despite how they may come off, a person with narcissistic personality disorder
needs external approval and struggles to connect with a wide range of
emotions.[3]
Being empathetic toward this person’s struggles doesn’t mean you have to let
them walk all over you.
However, you can remember that this individual is struggling to connect with
other people and act outside their own best interests.
They may struggle to form both personal and professional relationships due to
their difficulty relating to and empathizing with others.[4]
This is a terribly lonely way to live, and they may need more support than you
know.
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Set healthy boundaries. Some people with narcissistic qualities will

3 unintentionally try to get what they need at the expense of others. This type of
person may constantly come to you for emotional support or validation and
provide you none in return.[5]
Establish boundaries with this person by telling them that their behavior is
unacceptable to you.
Communicate clearly and try to stay calm. Let them know what you are willing
and unwilling to help them with.
Once you communicate these boundaries, make sure you hold to them. Giving
into their demands may make their behavior worse.

Build up your self-esteem. It’s common to seek external validation from

4 friends and family to improve your self-worth. However, loved ones who have
been diagnosed with NPD by a mental health professional may struggle to provide
you with this type of support.[6]
Someone who shows narcissistic behavior may criticize you or belittle you in
order to make themselves feel superior.[7]
Although it may be difficult, try to remember that this behavior most likely
comes from their inner feelings of shame and insecurity.
If you’re able to improve your self-esteem, it’ll be easier to cope with these
behaviors and brush off any condescending comments.
Try using positive affirmations, practicing self-care, and developing a healthy
support system of friends that make you feel good about yourself.

5
 Focus on your own needs. If someone in your life is struggling with narcissistic
behaviors, consider seeing a mental health professional to work through your own
emotions. If that person isn’t providing you with the mutual support and
understanding you need, limit the time you spend with them.
On the other hand, if the person whose behavior you’re concerned about is
bettering your life in other ways, you may want to keep them around for the
time being.
However, make sure that this individual isn’t harming you or making you feel
bad about yourself.
If you feel bad about yourself after spending time with this person or find
yourself drained by their need for validation, praise, and attention, it may be
time to move on from the relationship.
If you recognize signs of abuse in your relationship with any individual, such
as feeling manipulated or treated as if you have no value, remove yourself
from the situation immediately and seek support from trusted loved ones.

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Method
2 Dealing with a Narcissist in the Short-Term

Disengage from any mind games or fruitless arguments. It’s common for
1 people with narcissistic personalities to play mind games that force you to be
on the defensive. The best way to deal with these mind games is to recognize
what’s happening and remove yourself from the situation.
Someone with narcissistic qualities may struggle to recognize their own
wrongdoings or mistakes, meaning they need someone to blame for any
failures.
If you try to present your side (even if you’re right), someone with these traits
may become very defensive or spin the truth so that they come out looking
better than you.[8]
Instead of trying to argue with them or explain your perspective, you have to
set boundaries, provide them with irrefutable facts, or walk away.
If your co-worker is arguing with you about the fact that they forgot to order
more paper, say something non-accusatory like, “Hey Dan, here’s the
inventory count which shows we do need more paper.”

Remove any expectation you have of pleasing this person. This step is
2 especially difficult if you’re dealing with parents who show narcissistic
behaviors. Understandably, you want to please your parents and any other person
in your life that you care about. However, many people with narcissistic
tendencies have large egos and think overly well of themselves, meaning they will
view you as someone who is, in some ways, inferior.[9]
While you may be able to win their favor on a short-term basis, you shouldn’t
expect or attempt to satisfy or impress them in the long term.
As clinical psychologist Dr. Liana Georgoulis describes it, people with
narcissistic qualities inherently view others as “less important, less competent,
less capable, [or] less valuable.”[10]
Try not to take their perspective or criticism to heart. Remember that if they’ve
been diagnosed with clinical NPD, this person isn’t able to see the full picture
of a situation and put aside their own feelings of low self-worth.[11]
If they're constantly belittling you (whether they’re a spouse, a parent, or a
boss), find someone you trust to talk about their behavior and, if you can, take
some space from them.

Brene Brown, Author & Professor of Social Work

Understand what it means to be a narcissist. "Narcissism is
the most shame-based of all the personality disorders.
Narcissism is not about self-love at all. It’s about grandiosity
driven by high performance and self-hatred. I define narcissism
as the shame-based fear of being ordinary."

Genuinely praise them as much as possible. In all likelihood, there is some

3 quality about this person that you admire. When you see them doing
something that you respect or find interesting, let them know directly. Your praise
will seem genuine and sincere, which will help strengthen your relationship with
this individual and remind you why you keep them in your life.
For example, if your friend is a really good writer, say things like, “You're really
articulate. I love the way you manage to get your ideas across so clearly.”
Remember that people who demonstrate a sense of superiority or grandiosity
often do so from a place of insecurity—deep down, they desire an excessive
amount of praise and appreciation.[12]
By giving them a genuine compliment as someone they love and trust, you will
hopefully help them have a healthier view of themselves and act more kindly
in the future.
However, whether this person has clinical NPD or just some narcissistic
qualities, change is unlikely to happen overnight, even if you give them the
 praise that they crave. They may still try to find ways to undercut you due to
their deep insecurities.

Present constructive criticism in positive or neutral terms. In most cases,

4 people with narcissistic qualities struggle immensely with any perceived
criticism and may feel humiliated or rageful.[13] Try framing your feedback in a
positive or roundabout way, like offering an alternative approach rather than a
better one.[14]
For instance, if you need to remind a client to pay you, gently remind them by
asking them for a reminder of the agreed-upon pay period rather than directly
stating that the payment is late.
Or, if you are trying to steer a colleague in a different direction, say something
like, “I’ve never seen anyone do it that way; I usually do it this way…”
When constructive criticism is needed, try giving it to them in small amounts
over some time.
In other cases, you may want to learn to choose your battles and walk away
from situations where your feedback isn’t strictly necessary.

Recognize when you need to move on. In some cases, people with
5 narcissistic qualities can become verbally or emotionally abusive. Look out for
signs of gaslighting or other signs of abuse like name-calling, accusatory
language, public humiliation, or monitoring your movements or actions.[15]
If someone in your life is treating you this way, it’s probably time to leave the
relationship.
If someone is making you feel frightened or threatening you, stop seeing them
immediately and call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233.

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Method
3 Staging an Intervention

Determine if an intervention is appropriate. If someone you love and want

1 in your life, like a significant other or parent, is displaying narcissistic
behaviors, consider confronting them directly. However, remember that one of the
main qualities of people with narcissistic tendencies is a lack of empathy.[16]
If this person truly has narcissistic personality disorder, it will be difficult or
impossible to convince them of how their behavior is affecting others.
 NPD is a personality disorder based on factors like genetics and upbringing,
and it’s not something that can be changed with just an intervention.
Rather, this individual will need support and professional help from a therapist
or clinical psychologist in order to improve their behavior.

Get the help of a professional. Before carrying out an intervention, ask the
2 advice of a mental health professional. Not only can this person tell you
whether or not an intervention is a good idea, but they can also help you with the
next steps, whether or not that includes an intervention.
Remember, only a licensed healthcare provider can assess whether or not
someone has narcissistic personality disorder.[17]
Try to get the advice of someone like a behavioral therapist, psychologist, or
licensed clinical social worker who is knowledgeable about NPD.
A professional can discuss ways to treat NPD, such as cognitive or group
therapy.
Do a Google search for doctors in your area and ask some people whose
opinions you trust about whom they might recommend.

Plan the intervention. If a mental health professional advises you that an

3 intervention is a good idea, begin to plan out everything you will say and do
during the intervention. Develop 2-3 talking points that you will stick to throughout
the conversation.
Talking points could include specific examples of how this person’s behavior is
hurting your family or an explanation of why you decided to have the
intervention.

Recruit about 4 to 5 people to support you. These people should all be

4 close to the person whose behavior you’d like to address. They all should
have in some way been hurt by this person’s actions but are still willing to get
them help for their narcissistic behaviors.
Make sure that each of your recruits is educated about the differences
between someone showing narcissistic traits and being diagnosed with
narcissistic personality disorder.
Advise them to avoid speaking to others about the situation or spreading any
gossip, whether intentional or not.

Stage the intervention. Bring up each of your talking points and provide
5 specific examples to back yourself up. Avoid straying from these talking points
 onto tangential issues or incidents. Be sure to emphasize how the person is
hurting themselves and how making a change will be mostly for their benefit.
Use “I” statements to reduce the chance of the person becoming defensive.
For example, say, “I feel ignored when you constantly turn the conversation to
yourself.”
It’s important to use compassion during the intervention since the reason
you’re doing it is to give this person a chance to get better and improve their
relationships.
If they refuse the intervention, you can ask them to talk to a therapist rather
than talking to you.
If they refuse to get any help and their behavior continues to be harmful to you
or others, it may be time to walk away or establish clear boundaries with this
person.

Be prepared for the possibility that the intervention won’t work.

6 Remember that if you do stage an intervention, it doesn't mean that the
individual will actually do what they need to do to get better.
Even if this person does see a psychologist and is diagnosed with NPD,
there’s no immediate cure. It may take years of therapy for them to fully
recognize and improve their behavior.[18]

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Expert Q&A

Question

Can a narcissist fall in love?

Klare Heston, LCSW

Licensed Social Worker
Expert Answer

They are usually in love with themselves, or at least first with themselves and
then you—particularly to the extent that you feed their ego. You become less
interesting when you slow down the ego-feeding. The love will not be
unconditional; it will be a limited love.
 Question

Can narcissism be cured?

Klare Heston, LCSW

Licensed Social Worker
Expert Answer

The edges around a narcissist can be softened. Group therapy might be the most
effective. However, couples therapy might also be useful because the objectivity
of the therapist may cut through some of the narcissism. If a person is willing to
work through their childhood issues, good progress can be achieved.

Question

How do you control a narcissist?

Klare Heston, LCSW

Licensed Social Worker
Expert Answer

You really can't, but you may be able to manipulate them knowing their
vulnerabilities. You can make them think something was their idea, or you can
identify some way they also can benefit from something you want to do or
somewhere you want to go.

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Tips

Remember that not every person with narcissistic personality disorder or

narcissistic tendencies is mean, toxic, or abusive. Many people with NPD manage
their symptoms with the help of psychotherapy and/or medication.[19]

Claiming that every narcissistic person is abusive only increases the stigma of this
condition and prevents people from seeking diagnosis and treatment when they
need it.

Similarly, equating NPD with simple self-centeredness is damaging, as it belittles

the true struggles that people with this complex mental disorder face.
 Tips from our Readers
If your relationship with this person has become damaging to your mental
health, give yourself permission to leave. This can be a tough choice, but
it's important that you're safe, happy, and healthy!

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References

1. https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-
disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662
2. https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-
disorder/diagnosis-treatment/drc-20366690
3. https://lesley.edu/article/the-psychology-of-emotional-and-cognitive-empathy
4. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK556001/
5. https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/9742-narcissistic-personality-
disorder
6. https://opentextbc.ca/socialpsychology/chapter/the-feeling-self-self-esteem/
7. https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-
disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662
8. https://www.cambridge.org/core/journals/bjpsych-advances/article/current-
understanding-of-narcissism-and-narcissistic-personality-
disorder/4AA8B04FB352F8E00AA7988B63EBE973
9. https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-
disorder.htm/
10. Liana Georgoulis, PsyD. Licensed Psychologist. Expert Interview. 6 September
2018.
11. https://www.cambridge.org/core/journals/bjpsych-advances/article/current-
understanding-of-narcissism-and-narcissistic-personality-
disorder/4AA8B04FB352F8E00AA7988B63EBE973
12. https://www.sciencedirect.com/topics/psychology/narcissistic-personality-disorder
13. https://www.sciencedirect.com/topics/psychology/narcissistic-personality-disorder
14. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/evolution-the-self/201110/the-
narcissists-dilemma-they-can-dish-it-out
15. https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/9742-narcissistic-personality-
disorder
16. https://www.cambridge.org/core/journals/bjpsych-advances/article/current-
understanding-of-narcissism-and-narcissistic-personality-
disorder/4AA8B04FB352F8E00AA7988B63EBE973
17. https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/9742-narcissistic-personality-
disorder
18. https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/9742-narcissistic-personality-
disorder
19. https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-
disorder/diagnosis-treatment/drc-20366690
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