Emily and

Laurence Alison

Rapport
The Four
Ways to
Read
People

1
 REFLECTIVE LISTENING : SONAR

Reflection is useful in both long and short interactions to

improve communication. It also helps you sidestep some
common conversational traps that people often fall into. Let’s
return briefly to parenting and consider these examples of
typical conversations that may take place between teenagers
and their parents :

Strategy Child Parent Child’s response

Demand I really don’t want Tough, you’re You can’t make

to go to school going. me!
today.

Sarcasm I know I should do Oh please! Wait Whatever ... You

my homework, I’m until you have a don’t understand!
just so tired all the real job and then
time! talk to me about
tired ...

Accuse You’re always on Well maybe if you I hate you! (And

my case about didn’t have to be I feel bad about
everything! told everything myself now.)
eight times, I
wouldn’t be!
Cloth ears!

Dismiss I like maths, The teacher I am trying! I can’t

but this stuff is : What
Reflection wouldn’t have
Lies Beneath do it – I give up! 123
impossible – no assigned it if it
one could do it! was impossible –
Strategy Child Parent
keep trying. Child’s response

Confront Cleaning my room So, you’re just Yep, that’s my

is pointless – it going to live in plan!
just gets messy filth until you
again. die buried under
your own dirty
laundry?!

Hmmm . . . those don’t seem to be working!

With these approaches, the conversation is pretty much
over – apart from the slamming doors or shouting that is likely
to come next! If you ignore the other person’s feelings and try
to push them to comply, they naturally dig in and resist. So
how can we avoid this reactance?
2 The key to stopping reac-
tance is reflection.
how can we avoid this reactance? The key to stopping reac-
tance is reflection.
We use SONAR as a mnemonic for the specific techniques
of reflective listening. In the same way as sonar detects objects
by emitting sound, someone skilled in reflection listens to what
is being said, sends a signal back and then listens out for further
information that ‘bounces back’.

Simple Simple reflections are just that – a direct and often

reflections verbatim restatement of what has just been said. The
important thing is to select the correct word/portion to
reflect – what do you want to know more about? What is
significant about what has been said?

On the This involves summarising back to the person two

one hand conflicting views, conflicting emotions or conflicting
reflections evidence. Whatever you place at the end of the sentence
is likely to be what they speak about more, so be tactical.

No arguing Rather than engaging in argument or rationalisations,

explore the argumentative statement with reflection and
do not argue back. So, statements such as, ‘So what you’re
124 saying to me is ...’RAPPORT
or ‘Can you tell me more about that?’
are helpful and prevent tit-for-tat arguments.

Affirmations Actively and determinedly seek out positives to build on

and ignore the negatives – you can go back to them later.
Look hard for them even if they seem buried by negative
statements or behaviour as they are the platform for
change.

Reframing Reflect back what has been said using paraphrasing,

summarising or by reflecting deeper feelings or values
that you think might present. ‘Based on what you said,
I think _____ is very important to you.’ This is often
most effective when followed by a key question that
then moves the conversation forward to the next
topic.

Let’s try the earlier examples again using the SONAR

strategies :

Strategy Child Parent Child’s response

Simple I really don’t You really No, there’s all this drama
want to go don’t feel going on with the other
to school like going to girls – it’s doing my head in!
today. school today?
3
(Drama?)

On the one I know I So, on the one Well yeah, duh! This is an
Let’s try the earlier examples again using the SONAR
strategies :

Strategy Child Parent Child’s response

Simple I really don’t You really No, there’s all this drama
want to go don’t feel going on with the other
to school like going to girls – it’s doing my head in!
today. school today?
(Drama?)

On the one I know I So, on the one Well yeah, duh! This is an
hand should hand you feel important year for me.
do my really tired, but They use your scores to
homework, on the other decide which set you’re in.
I’m just so you know you
tired all the should do your (And even though you’re
time! homework. finding it hard, you want
to do well.)

No arguing You’re Tell me what’s You never just talk to me

always on making you – you just immediately get
my case feel that way. on me about stuff : do this,
about (Be prepared do that! It’s annoying ...
everything! for :more
Reflection What Lies Beneath 125
personal digs.) (You feel like all I do is
hassle you and we never
Strategy Child Parent Child’s
just response
talk.)

Affirmation I like maths, Tell me what It’s normally one of my

but this you like about best subjects – I like how
stuff is maths. there’s a proper answer to
impossible each problem but these are
– no one just dumb!
could do it!
(It usually seems easy for
you but these are really
difficult.)

Reframing Cleaning So, it just Yes! Totally ... I don’t like it

my room is seems like a messy but it just always is!
pointless never-ending It’s so depressing ...
– it just cycle of mess
gets messy and that is (So you would prefer it
again. making you tidy. How can we make it
feel frustrated easier do you think?)
and annoyed,
like ‘Why
bother?’

4
We’re still likely to encounter some resistance but the conver-
sation is still going.
 tion : ‘What animal am I tempted to be in response and
will it get me what I want?’
3. Be able to operate in any of the animal styles comfortably
and confidently : ‘Can I communicate in all four styles
with confidence and ease?’

Subsequent chapters will take you through each style to help

you recognise what you already do well and where you need
to work harder at developing your interpersonal skills.
Now let’s have a look at the model and how it works :

The Animal Circle Model of Human Interaction

Control:
Lion

Conflict: Cooperate:
T-Rex Monkey

Capitulate:
Mouse

You can immediately see that Lion and the Mouse are oppo-
site each other on the circle. Imagine that the vertical line that
runs between them is measuring ‘power’ : who wants to be in
charge of who? When you are in Lion mode, you want the
person you are interacting with to capitulate. You don’t want

5
 Power, Intimacy and the Animal Circle 153

Confrontation (‘T-Rex’) : challenging or attacking the other person

GOOD T-REX
Frank, forthright and critical, this
sort of person is very direct. What
they say may sometimes appear
blunt but it is often honest and
never personal or purposefully
hurtful. Their attitude is : ‘Let me
be clear. This is the bottom line.’
Capitulate (‘Mouse’) : submitting or giving in to the other party
GOOD MOUSE
Humble, patient, pensive, this
sort of person treats others with
respect. They may seek out support
or reassurance, or may want to
cautiously assess the situation fully
before acting. Their attitude is : ‘I’m
listening and observing. I’ll chip in
when I’m ready.’
Cooperate (‘Monkey’) : working collaboratively or in concert with the
other person
GOOD MONKEY
Cooperative individuals seek to
get others to cooperate through
support and encouragement.
They are appropriately warm and
affectionate to the context they are
in. Their attitude is : ‘We’re a team
– together we can do this. I’m here
for you.’
Control (‘Lion’) : seeking dominance or power over the other person
GOOD LION
In charge, considers themselves a
leader, makes clear decisions, and
likes to be in control. Their attitude
is : ‘Listen to me – I know what to
do.’
BAD T-REX
Often aggressive and intimidating,
this sort of person seeks to control
others through fear, either of
unpleasant consequences or
potential violence. They may be
verbally insulting, attacking or
sarcastic. Their attitude is : ‘Do what
I say, or else.’
BAD MOUSE
This sort of person is avoidant,
weak and hesitant. They will try
to dodge confrontation whenever
possible and may appear uncertain
and lacking in confidence. They
may be formulaic or hide behind
a script. Their attitude is : ‘I don’t
really know what I’m doing – you do
it for me.’
BAD MONKEY
This sort of person blurs the
boundaries of relationships, be they
friendships or professional. They
are overly intimate and may make
others uncomfortable with their
affection. They want to be liked at
all costs and may appear fawning
or desperate. Their attitude is : ‘We
are all friends here.’
BAD LION
Bossy, dogmatic, controlling,
this sort of person takes over
completely, ignores others’
opinions, interrupts and overrules
others. Their attitude is : ‘My way or
the highway.’

6
 Power, Intimacy and the Animal Circle 155

DIFFERENT STYLES OF PARENTING :

Good Bad

A good T-Rex parent Bad T-Rex gains

is able to hold their compliance by using
ground and not give scary or aggressive
in if rules have been behaviours, such as
broken or boundaries threats (e.g. ‘Do it or
are crossed. They can else’, ‘Wait until your
give clear firm messages dad gets home’) or
when required (e.g. possibly escalating to
‘You cannot go out this shouting or swearing.
weekend’, ‘No more toys The child obeys because
– it’s time for bed.’). The they are afraid of the
child knows they cannot T-Rex parent.
get around the good
T-Rex parent.

The good Mouse parent Bad Mouse parent has

can apologise to their given over the dominant
child without losing role in the household to
respect. They show their child ; the child sets
that they will listen to their own rules around
their child and respect curfew, school, eating
the child’s need to feel and sleeping. The bad
some control over their Mouse parent may be
decisions. disengaged from their
child.

The good Monkey The risk for the bad

parent–child relationship Monkey parent is
is based on friendship becoming too much
and teamwork. The like a friend rather
good Monkey parent than a parent, where
will teach lessons by discipline is lax or non-
example, have fun and existent and adult–child
know their child as a boundaries may be
person. blurred.
The good Lion parent The risk for the bad
is in charge ; the child Lion parent is being too
sees them as the boss. rigid and inflexible or
There are clear rules and expecting obedience
expectations, and clear and compliance at all
consequences if they times and in all things.
aren’t followed. They parent from the
position of ‘Why?
Because I said so.’

7
158 RAPPORT

and non-judgemental as a blend of Lion and Monkey (north

east) or acting confident, being assertive and displaying
certainty as a blend of T-Rex/Lion (north west). This gives us
a more nuanced model that better represents the idea that
many behaviours are a blend of power and intimacy.

Good Lion

In charge,
sets the
Acts agenda, Supportive,
confidently, advises conversational,
assertive, non-
Bad Lion
Good Monkey

certain judgemental
Good T-Rex

Frank, Social, Demanding,

forthright, warm, dogmatic,
pedantic, Parental,
critical friendly
rigid patronising,
Judgemental, rescuing
argumentative,

Bad Monkey
Patient, competitive
pensive, Respectful,
persistant Modest, trusting, Overfamiliar,
Bad T-Rex

humble, admiring Sarcastic, obsequious,

seeking punitive, desperate
guidance attacking,
unfriendly
Uncertain,
Good Mouse Irritable, hesitant,
distrustful, apologetic
Formulaic,
resentful disengaged,
conflict
avoidant

Bad Mouse

In our interrogation research those officers who used behaviours

on the good circle maintained more engaged and cooperative
interviewee behaviour. Communicating using behaviours
from the bad circle led to resistance or disengagement. And, of
course, disengagement led to a decrease in information.
Consider the last difficult interaction you had with some-
one. Where were they on the circles? Where were you? How
did you both move around the wheel as the interaction devel-
oped? What approach could you have tried instead?
We found that interviewers who showed mastery of the
skills on the good circle (but also
8 had a few bad behaviours)
fared less well than interviewers who had fewer good skills but
 Power, Intimacy and the Animal Circle 161

‘You have no respect Lucy – you don’t respect me or your

teachers or anybody’s rules. I didn’t raise you to behave like
such a brat – and these friends of yours, I bet you get this off
them. That girl Sasha is trouble and Maddie’s not much better,’
says Sarah, clearly angry and on the attack. (judgemental)
‘Oh my god! You don’t even know them! Just ‘cause you
don’t have any friends, Mum, don’t start attacking mine! I told
you it was five minutes- believe what you want. I could care
less what you think!’, and off Lucy stomps upstairs to her
room. (conflict avoidant)

Good Lion Sarah

In charge, Lucy
sets the
Acts agenda, Supportive,
confidently, advises conversational,
assertive, non- Bad Lion
Good Monkey

certain judgemental
Good T-Rex

Frank, Social, Demanding,

forthright, warm, dogmatic,
pedantic, Parental,
critical friendly
rigid patronising,
Judgemental, rescuing
argumentative,

Bad Monkey
Patient, competitive
pensive, Respectful,
persistant Modest, trusting, Overfamiliar,
Bad T-Rex

humble, admiring Sarcastic, obsequious,

seeking punitive, desperate
guidance attacking,
unfriendly
Uncertain,
Good Mouse Irritable, hesitant,
distrustful, apologetic
Formulaic,
resentful disengaged,
conflict
avoidant

Bad Mouse

So what happened and whose fault was it? Except, we don’t

really care whose fault it was. When we are trying to solve a
problem by communicating with someone we have to stay
focused on one thing – the goal. What was Sarah’s goal with
Lucy? Presumably, it was to get her to be back to school on
time and be more respectful of the rules.
This interaction has left them both fuming and resent-
ful. Sarah probably feels worse than when she started the

9
 forthright and critical when she has to be.
What reaction does she get back from Lucy? Lucy is still
defensive and avoidant at the start but she is engaged and
listening to what Sarah has to say.
Has Sarah put her foot down hard enough? Will Lucy turn
up late again? She might, but Sarah has indicated what will hap-
pen if she does and she has done this without being threatening,
bossy or trying to intimidate her. Lucy needs to learn to comply
with the rules as part of her own moral compass-compass, not
imposed or intimidated onto her by her Mum. Otherwise, when
Mum isn’t around, there’s no reason to follow the rules.
Good Lion Mum
In charge, Lucy
sets the
Acts agenda,
confidently, advises
assertive, Supportive, Bad Lion
Good Monkey

certain conversational, non-

judgemental
Good T-Rex

Frank, Social, Demanding,

forthright, warm, dogmatic,
pedantic, Parental,
critical friendly
rigid patronising,
Judgemental, rescuing
argumentative,

Bad Monkey
Patient, competitive
pensive, Respectful,
persistant Modest, trusting, Overfamiliar,
Bad T-Rex

humble, admiring Sarcastic, obsequious,

seeking punitive, desperate
guidance attacking,
unfriendly
Uncertain,
Good Mouse Irritable, hesitant,
distrustful, apologetic
Formulaic,
resentful disengaged,
conflict
avoidant

Bad Mouse

Does her approach meet the HEAR criteria discussed in

Chapter 4? Instead of arguing her case or telling Lucy off,
Mum tries to show some empathy and understanding for

10
 The more you fill in the more you will see to what extent
you are the same (or different) in different contexts.

Communication style profile

Using the chart, give yourself a score from 0–3 for each
description :

Never like Occasionally Often like Always like

me at all like me me me

0 1 2 3 Total:

1 Advise others about Like to be in charge Set out a clear plan

the best way to do and expectations for
things others

2 Don’t let things go Expect people to do Pull people up on

easily what I say small mistakes to
make a point

3 Not judgemental of Supportive and Find it easy to start

others encouraging conversations

4 Use a motherly/ Talk down to other Fill a silence if it

fatherly approach people feels awkward
or someone is
uncomfortable

5 Often smile and Enjoy the company Warm and kind-

chat to others of other people natured

6 Compliment people Self-disclose early in Want to be liked by

to get on their good relationships everyone
side

7 Treat others with Naturally trusting of Often compliment

respect others or commend others
for doing well

11
170 RAPPORT

8 Feel uncertain Hesitate if not sure Apologise even if

or unsure in new of something you haven’t done
situations anything wrong

9 Apologise if you are Seek help and Not boastful even

in the wrong support from others when you’ve done
something well

10 Switch off if you Avoid conflict Stay quiet in social

feel awkward/ whenever possible situations/try to fade
uncomfortable into the background

11 Patient and tolerant Thoughtful and Keep emotions

of others reflective contained

12 Feel irritated by Naturally distrustful Resent it when

other people of others others do well

13 Clear and concise Direct and to the Can give critical

point feedback without
offending

14 Like to verbally spar Use sarcasm in Think others

with others arguments should pay for their
mistakes

15 Confident Certain about your Assertive when

own views and challenging
opinions someone

16 Like to have the last Enjoy a good Judge other people’s

word in arguments argument with behaviour if it fails
someone your own standards

Now add up your scores for the three questions in each row –
you can have a minimum of 0 or a maximum score of 9 for
each row.
Now transfer your scores for each row to the following
chart : 12
 Power, Intimacy and the Animal Circle 171

Row 1 Lion Row 9 Mouse

Row 3 Lion/Monkey Row 11 Mouse/T-Rex

Row 5 Monkey Row 13 T-Rex

Row 7 Monkey/Mouse Row 15 T-Rex/Lion

Bad Circle : when you are communicating badly you are

likely to be a : . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Row 2 Lion Row 10 Mouse

Row 4 Lion/Monkey Row 12 Mouse/T-Rex

Row 6 Monkey Row 14 T-Rex

Row 8 Monkey/Mouse Row 16 T-Rex/Lion

Now plot your scores around the circles starting with Lion and
ending at T-Rex/Lion. Connect the dots. Pay attention to
spikes or troughs on each circle.

Good Lion
9
Li
ex

on

In charge, Supportive, BadLion

-R

/M 9

sets the 6 conversational,

/T

9
on
on

Li

agenda, non-
ex
9

on
Li

Judgemental, Demanding,
ey

advises judge-
-R

/M 9

13
/T

argumentative,6 dogmatic,
6

Acts mental
on
6

3 Social,
on

pedantic,
9

ke

confidently, competitive
Good M

Li

warm, rigid
T-Rex

assertive,
3

friendly
6
6

certain 0 Sarcastic, 3 Parental,

0

punitive, patronising,
0 0

9
0

Ba
3
 Power, Intimacy and the Animal Circle 171

Row 1 Lion Row 9 Mouse

Row 3 Lion/Monkey Row 11 Mouse/T-Rex

Row 5 Monkey Row 13 T-Rex

Row 7 Monkey/Mouse Row 15 T-Rex/Lion

Bad Circle : when you are communicating badly you are

likely to be a : . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Row 2 Lion Row 10 Mouse

Row 4 Lion/Monkey Row 12 Mouse/T-Rex

Row 6 Monkey Row 14 T-Rex

Row 8 Monkey/Mouse Row 16 T-Rex/Lion

Now plot your scores around the circles starting with Lion and
ending at T-Rex/Lion. Connect the dots. Pay attention to
spikes or troughs on each circle.

Good Lion
9
Li
ex

on

In charge, Supportive, BadLion

-R

/M 9

sets the 6 conversational,

/T

9
on
on

Li

agenda, non-
ex
9

on
Li

Judgemental, Demanding,
ey

advises judge-
-R

/M 9
/T

argumentative,6 dogmatic,
6

Acts mental
on
6

3 Social,
on

pedantic,
9

confidently, competitive
Good Monkey

Li

warm,
ey

rigid
Good T-Rex

assertive,
3

friendly
6
6

certain 0 Sarcastic, 3 Parental,

0

punitive, patronising,
0 0

9
0 0

BadMonkey
3
3
BadT-Rex
9

attacking, rescuing
0

Respectful,
0
Frank, unfriendly 0
0

trusting,
0 0

9
0 0

forthright,
3

admiring
3

critical Overfamiliar,
0

3 0
Irritable,
6

Modest, obsequious,
6

distrustful,
3

Patient, humble, desperate

se

3
T-

pensive, resentful
ou
9
Re

seeking
6 3
9

persistant
M
x

guidance
6
/M

y/

Formulaic, Uncertain,
se
T-
ke
ou

disengaged,
ou

hesitant,
9
Re

6
on

9
9
se

conflict
x

apologetic
M

/M

Good Mouse
y/

avoidant
ke
ou

on

9
se

BadMouse

INTERPRETING YOUR CIRCLES

Plotting your scores on the 14
circles allows you to see where
your strengths and weaknesses are. Is there one animal that
Bad Circle : when you are communicating badly you are
likely to be a : . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Row 2 Lion Row 10 Mouse

Row 4 Lion/Monkey Row 12 Mouse/T-Rex

Row 6 Monkey Row 14 T-Rex

Row 8 Monkey/Mouse Row 16 T-Rex/Lion

Now plot your scores around the circles starting with Lion and
ending at T-Rex/Lion. Connect the dots. Pay attention to
spikes or troughs on each circle.

Good Lion
9
Li
ex

on

In charge, Supportive, BadLion

R

/ M
T-

sets the 6 conversational, 9

/

on
on

Li
agenda, non-
ex
9

on
Li

Judgemental, Demanding,
ey

advises judge-
-R

/ M
/T

argumentative,6 dogmatic,
6

Acts mental

on
6

3 Social,
on

9
pedantic,
9

ke
confidently, competitive
Good Monkey

Li

warm, rigid
Good T-Rex

y
assertive,
3

friendly
6
6

certain 0 Sarcastic, 3 Parental,

0

punitive, patronising,
0 0

9
0 0

BadMonkey
3
3
BadT-Rex
9

attacking, rescuing
0

Respectful,
0
Frank, unfriendly 0
0

trusting,
0 0

9
0 0

forthright,
3

admiring
3

critical Overfamiliar,
0

3 0
Irritable,
6

Modest, obsequious,
6

distrustful,
3

Patient, humble, desperate

se

3
T-

pensive, resentful
ou
9
R

seeking
6 3
9
ex

persistant
M

guidance
6
/M

y/

Formulaic, Uncertain,
se
T-
ke
ou

disengaged,
ou

hesitant,
9
R

6
on

9
9
se

ex

conflict apologetic
M

/M

Good Mouse
y/

avoidant
ke
ou

on

9
se

BadMouse

INTERPRETING YOUR CIRCLES

Plotting your scores on the circles allows you to see where
your strengths and weaknesses are. Is there one animal that

15
to eliminate from your style of interacting as much as possible.
Now look at your low scoring areas on the good circle.
These are the areas that you need to develop and strengthen
in interactions with others. They may be the sorts of skills you
struggle with when the situation calls for a response that is out
of your comfort zone.
You will never completely eliminate all behaviours from
the bad circle. It is part of our interpersonal struggle that
sometimes we stray into these forms of communication.
However, the stronger and more adaptable you are on the
good circle, the better you will be at repairing it when it goes
wrong and the better you will be overall at building rapport.

Good Lion
9
Li
ex

on

In charge, Supportive, BadLion

-R

/M 9

sets the 6 conversational,

/T

9
on
on

Li
agenda, non-
ex
9

ke

on
Li

advises judge- Judgemental, Demanding,

-R
y

/M 9
/T

argumentative,6 dogmatic,
6

Acts mental

on
6

3 Social,
on

pedantic,
9

k
confidently, competitive
Good Monkey

Li

warm,

ey
rigid
Good T-Rex

assertive,
3

friendly 6
6

certain 0 Sarcastic, 3 Parental,

0

punitive, patronising,
0 0

9
0 0

BadMonkey
3
3
BadT-Rex
9

attacking, rescuing
0

Respectful,
0
Frank, unfriendly 0
0

trusting,
0 0

9
0 0

forthright,
3

admiring
3

critical Overfamiliar,
0

3 0
Irritable,
6

Modest, obsequious,
6

distrustful,
3

Patient, humble, desperate

se

3
T-

pensive, resentful
ou
9
R

seeking
6 3
9
ex

persistant
M

guidance
6
/M

y/

Formulaic, Uncertain,
se
T-
ke
ou

disengaged,
ou

hesitant,
9
R

6
on

9
9
se

ex

conflict apologetic
M

/M

Good Mouse
y/

avoidant
ke
ou

on

9
se

BadMouse

16
 Power, Intimacy and the Animal Circle 173

OUR CIRCLES
Below are our circles if you would like to know how we scored.
Even though we have been applying and using this model for
over 20 years, we still have areas we need to work on and
develop. The important thing is that the model enables us to
identify what those areas are and helps us understand ourselves
and each other.
Laurence
Good
Lion Emily

Bad
Lion/ 9 Lion/
.
In
Lion
.
T-Rex Charge, .
Monkey
.
Sets the 6
agenda, . 9
.
Advises Lion/ al, . Lion/
.
. ent e, .
Act 3
T-Rex gem tativ . Monkey
. Jud men tive .
confidently, . r gu peti 6
Assertive, . Social, Warm, A om .
C .

Good
.

Good
Certain Friendly .
. Sarcastic, .
6

0
9
.
.
.
.

.
.
.
.

.
.
.
.
.

0 Parental,
T-Rex Monkey
3
0 Punitive, .
. Patronising,
.
. Attacking, Rescuing
.
. Unfriendly .
.
9

Bad
.
.
.
.

.
.
.
.

.
.
.
.

.
.

Bad
3 .

Monkey
. . Over-familiar,
T-Rex
. Irritable, .
. . Obsequious,
.
Distrustful, . Desperate
6
Modest, Resentful 3
. Humble, .
. .
Mouse/ . Seeking Monkey/ .
. guidance .
T-Rex 9 Mouse 6
.
.
Good .
Mouse/ Monkey/
.

Mouse
T-Rex 9 Mouse

Bad
Mouse

LESSONS

1. Learning starts with awareness of self. Before you begin

to contemplate changing any part of the way you interact
with others, you need to do a little bit of inward examina-
tion. Think about your strengths and weaknesses and rely
less on going with your instinctive reactions. Try to be
more tactical and focus on the goal.
2. Only you control you. You can’t control other people’s
behaviour – only your own. So, don’t get into the habit of
thinking, ‘He or she made me behave that way.’ You
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might feel that someone always pushes your buttons, but
person is seeking the Lion or Mouse position (control or capit-
ulate) or the Monkey or T-Rex (conflict or cooperate) means
you do not have to consider an entire list of non-verbal and
verbal cues. You will find it easier if the behaviour is more
intense but, in most interactions, you will quickly get a sense
of whether the person wants to lead or follow, have an argu-
ment or cooperate.
The next step is to be able to recognise the bad or good
version of each archetype. If you’ve worked out you have a
Lion in front of you, have you got a bad one or a good one?

Good Lion

In charge,
sets the
Acts agenda, Supportive,
confidently, advises conversational,
assertive, non-
Bad Lion
Good Monkey

certain judgemental
Good T-Rex

Frank, Social, Demanding,

forthright, warm, dogmatic,
pedantic, Parental,
critical friendly
rigid patronising,
Judgemental, rescuing
argumentative,

Bad Monkey
Patient, competitive
pensive, Respectful,
persistant Modest, trusting, Overfamiliar,
Bad T-Rex

humble, admiring Sarcastic, obsequious,

seeking punitive, desperate
guidance attacking,
unfriendly
Uncertain,
Good Mouse Irritable, hesitant,
distrustful, apologetic
Formulaic,
resentful disengaged,
conflict
avoidant

Bad Mouse

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