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The Pursuit of Romantic Alternatives Online
The Pursuit of Romantic Alternatives Online
To cite this article: Irum Saeed Abbasi & Nawal G. Alghamdi (2017): The Pursuit of Romantic
Alternatives Online: Social Media Friends as Potential Romantic Alternatives, Journal of Sex &
Marital Therapy, DOI: 10.1080/0092623X.2017.1308450
Article views: 5
Download by: [University of Newcastle, Australia] Date: 28 March 2017, At: 06:34
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The Pursuit of Romantic Alternatives Online: Social Media Friends as Potential Romantic
Alternatives
Abstract
What causes some marriages to stand the test of time while others fail? Marital commitment is
the key force underlying the stability, quality, and longevity of the romantic relationship.
attractions, and steady investments made in the relationship. Commitment is also a consequence
of increasing dependence such that when partners are emotionally engaged with their virtual
connections, their dependence on their significant other weakens resulting in low commitment.
Dependence on the partner increases when people feel satisfied in their relationship, think
unfavorably about the quality of available alternatives and feel that they have made great
that substantially reduce shared family time. The boastfully curated profiles of virtual
connections and their overly glossed pictures may lead partners to feel deficient in their life.
Previous research showed that Facebook can reduce relationship satisfaction by providing
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alternatives and deflecting time and emotional investments away from the committed
relationship. This article examines the commitment literature and discusses how commitment is
undermined in the contemporary era. Finally, marital therapy is addressed with suggestions for
Keywords
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Internet offers the ever-evolving computer mediated communication platforms that allow
individuals to connect with casual, professional, and romantic interests. One such platform
consists of social networking sites (SNSs) and applications. In the 2015 report of Pew Internet
Research, the individual estimates of United States social media users were 72% for Facebook,
31% for Pinterest, 28% for Instagram, 25% for LinkedIn, and 23% for Twitter (Duggan, 2015).
Most of the social media users have two or more SNSs integrated in their daily activities
(Davenport, Bergman, Bergman, & Fearrington, 2014). The phenomenal growth of SNSs has led
scholars to examine the motivations underlying the use of social networking, the procured
gratifications, and how the users’ lives and society as a whole are affected by SNSs (Liu, Ho, &
Lu, 2017). The uses and gratifications approach (Katz, Blumler, & Gurevitch, 1974) is a model
that explains how and why individuals actively seek out and engage in specific types of media.
This model is now employed in the social media research. This methodological research
demarcates between concepts that are antecedents to behavior (desired uses) and the consequents
of behavior (gratifications; Raacke & Bonds-Raacke, 2008). In a sample of participants who had
concurrent Snapchat and Facebook accounts, the reported common motivations for the social
media use were procrastination, keeping in touch with the family, seeing what others are up to,
and communicating with the romantic partner (Utz, Muscanell, & Khalid, 2015). Other
researchers also found that the need for popularity was another motive for using social
Some social mediums are population specific; for example, LinkedIn caters to
professionals and job seekers, Grindr caters to homosexuals, Tinder caters to singles, and
Snapchat caters mostly to the young population. Snapchat is the third most used application
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among millennials (18--34 year olds) after Facebook and Instagram (Perez, 2014). Snapchat
provides a more private medium for interaction, than Facebook, as the messages and pictures are
ephemeral and not persistent, Resultantly, Snapchat users experience diminished need for self-
censorship and tend to share more intimate pictures and messages. However, Facebook has
added many Snapchat features to win the millennials and be more private (Kelly, 2016).
Furthermore, the various social media platforms differ in four major affordances: visibility,
persistence, editability, and association (Treem & Leonardi, 2012). Therefore, scholars focus
their interests on specific areas for each social media site. For example, Twitter research focuses
mainly on journalism, politics, and sentiment; Linkedin research focuses mainly on examination
of human resource management issue (Liu, Ho, & Lu, 2017), and Facebook focuses on self-
expression, privacy, and romantic relationships. While the research examining the influence of
other social media on romantic relationship is sparse, Facebook has received the most attention
in terms of its adverse effects on romantic relationships (Carter, 2015). This may in part be
because Facebook is the most popular and dominant hedonic SNS worldwide and is the second
most accessed website after Google, and has more users than all the rest of SNSs combined
Earlier studies have suggested that complete commitment is the basic factor in long-term
marital relationships, irrespective of gender or marital satisfaction (Fenell, 1993; Harley, 1994;
Kaslow & Robison, 1996; Weigel & Ballard-Reisch, 1999). Strong commitment is a
consequence of increasing dependence (Rusbult et al., 1998), which is the characteristic and
structural state of a relationship that represents the extent to which an individual relies on a
specific relationship for desired outcomes (Le & Agnew, 2003; Rusbult et al., 1998; Rusbult et
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al., 2011). In the Facebook paradigm, when the partners turn to Facebook connections for the
basic needs to be met, their dependence on the significant other may weaken resulting in low
commitment. The current article sheds light on the link between Facebook use and poor
relationship outcomes and argues that it is the easy accessibility of online alternative attractions
that deprive the primary dyadic relationships of time and emotional investments, and eventually
Facebook allows people to communicate with friends, family, colleagues, and even
strangers. Facebook users can share feelings, thoughts, and personal information (education,
relationship status, interests, sexual preference) through wall posts, status updates, picture
tagging, friend requests, live streaming of videos, private messages, and video/audio calls.
People use Facebook for different purposes. Although, the primary reason for using Facebook is
to maintain relationships (Craig & Wright, 2012), many individuals use Facebook to connect
with sexual or romantic interests (Drouin et al., 2014). Six unique uses and gratifications of
Facebook use have been identified through factor analysis, which include information seeking,
D’Angelo, & McLeod, 2013). The strongest gratification factor for Facebook use was found to
A significant impact of Facebook use on the user’s psychological, social, and personal
life is revealed through research. Social media use offers social benefits; for example, it
facilitates users in developing and maintaining social capital and social connectedness (Barker,
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Dozier, Weiss, & Borden, 2015) through participation in civic and political activities (Hyun &
Kim, 2014), and health support discussions (Phua, 2013). Building social capital on SNS can
have desirable effects and increase the user’s subjective well-being; nevertheless, maintaining
social capital online is found to reduce life satisfaction and happiness while also brining out the
feelings of envy due to the ostentatious display by online friends (Mukesh, Mayo, & Gonçalves,
2016). Other negative implications emanating from the social media use are blatantly obvious.
There is a significant association between Facebook use and personality disorders (Rosen,
Whaling, Rab, Carrier, & Cheever, 2013), depression (Moreno et al., 2011; Rosen et al., 2013),
compulsive disorder (Rosen et al., 2013), and eating disorder (Smith, Hames, & Joiner, 2013). A
growing body of research has found that Facebook use is related to relationship conflicts,
compulsive Internet use, physical and emotional infidelity, online portrayals of intimate
breakups, and divorce (Abbasi & AlGhamdi, 2017; Clayton, Nagurney, & Smith, 2013; Drouin,
Miller, & Dibble, 2014; Elphinston & Noller, 2011; Goldwert, 2012; Kerkhof, Finkenauer, &
Muusses, 2011; Muise et al., 2009; Marshall, 2012; Utz & Beukeboom, 2011). Facebook use
showed a negative correlation with marriage quality and happiness and a positively correlation
with the experience of troubled relationship as well as with the thoughts of separation
(Valenzuela et al., 2014). Negative implications of Facebook use (such as relationship conflicts)
were more apparent in shorter duration marriages (three years or less; Clayton et al., 2013).
intimacy, and sexual affairs (Clayton et al., 2013). The most consistently reported online
infidelity behaviors include emotional disclosure, cybersex, hot chatting, and viewing
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pornography (Dijkstra, Barelds, & Groothof, 2010). Infidelity behaviors that are specific to
Facebook include friending one’s ex-partner, commenting on attractive users’ pictures, sending
private messages, and posting an incorrect relationship status (Clayton et al., 2013; Cravens,
Leckie, & Whiting, 2013). Facebook infidelity causes arguments, fights, retaliatory behaviors,
negative emotional experiences, loss of trust, and termination of the relationship (Cravens &
Whiting, 2015). In the United Kingdom, one third of all online divorce filing mentioned
Facebook as the cause of breakup (Moscaritolo, 2012). Similarly, in the United States, a positive
correlation was found between increasing Facebook use and a corresponding increase in divorce
rate (Valenzuela, Halpern, & Katz, 2014). These adverse relationship consequences have
intrigued many researchers to devise constructs and scales that can measure the daily Facebook
use and its implications on the users’ lives. A specific construct called the Facebook-related
conflict is devised that examines “whether Facebook use increases relationship complications in
intimate romantic relationships” (Clayton et al., 2013, p. 718). Research also suggested that
Facebook-related conflict acts as a mediator in the relationship between relationship length and
perceived relationship satisfaction, commitment, and love (Rahaman, 2015). Furthermore, the
excessive use of Facebook has showed an association with relationship dissatisfaction due to
jealousy and invasive monitoring; females were found more likely to engage in invasive
relationship functioning and everyday activities (Andreassen, Torsheim, Brunborg, & Pallesen,
2012; Elphinston & Noller, 2011). Facebook intrusion signifies elements of addiction such as
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salience, mood modification, tolerance, withdrawal, conflict, and relapse (Elphinston & Noller,
2011). Facebook specific scales that measure Facebook jealousy and excessive use include
Facebook jealousy scale (Muise, Christofides, & Desmarais, 2009), Bergen Facebook addiction
scale (Andreassen, Torsheim, Brunborg, & Pallesen, 2012), and Facebook intrusion scale
(Elphinston & Noller, 2011). A recent study found that Facebook intrusion, as measured by the
Facebook intrusion scale, is linked with marital disaffection (Abbasi, 2017). Marital disaffection
is a gradual loss of love and emotional attachment with the romantic partner and significantly
contributes to the marital breakdown (Kayser, 1993; for a review see Abbasi & Alghamdi, 2017).
dissatisfaction is also found (Sheldon, Abad, & Hinsch, 2011). Satisfaction level is the extent to
which individuals experience positive versus negative affect based on their relationship
gratifies an individual’s core needs such as companionship, security, intimacy, sexuality, and a
sense of belonging (Rusbult et al., 1998). However, when core relationship needs are fulfilled in
Commitment
linked with the relationship quality, stability, and breakup (Agnew, 2009; Wallace, 2007). Lauer
and Lauer (1986) define commitment as the “willingness and determination to work through
(persistence), a psychological attachment to the partner, and a long-term orientation toward the
relationship (Le & Agnew, 2003; Rusbult & Buunk, 1993; Rusbult, Martz, & Agnew, 1998).
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Commitment theories. Many theories have been forwarded to explain the processes
underlying marital commitment (Thibaut & Kelley, 1959; Levinger, 1965; Rusbult, 1980,
Johnson, 1991), which easily translate into each another (Stanley, Rhoades, & Whitton, 2010).
Levinger’s cohesiveness model (1965) held that two social forces (attractive forces and barriers)
determine the strength of relationship commitment. The attractive forces are further divided into
present and alternative attractions. Present attractions forces (need fulfillment and love) bring the
Barriers forces (internal and external) constrain partners from quitting the primary relationship.
The attractive and barrier forces are subject to change over time. Resultantly, a partner’s
relationship persists when the relationship outcomes are beneficial and satisfying to the partners.
The interdependence theory forwarded two concepts: commitment is strengthened by the amount
of satisfaction that one gains from a relationship and commitment is weakened in the presence of
potential alternatives to the relationship (such as other potential partners, preference for being
single). Through the investment model, Rusbult (1980) introduced the third concept that holds
that the relationships not only persist because of the positive qualities that are attracting partners
towards each other (i.e., their mutual satisfaction) and the absence of alternatives outside the
relationship, but also due to the mutual ties that bind partners together (i.e., investment size). The
investment size is the magnitude and importance of the concrete resources that are afforded by
the relationship, which would be lost or diminished if the relationship ends. A meta-analysis of
Rusbult’s investment model by Le and Agnew (2003) showed that commitment to a relationship
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was significantly correlated with each of the three constructs: satisfaction with the relationship,
When partners feel satisfied, lack better alternatives, and have heavily invested in a
relationship, they form a conviction to stay together, and harbor feelings of a psychological
attachment to the significant other (Rusbult et al., 2011). According to Caldwell (2013),
attachment styles are not only seen in verbal and behavioral communications but are also likely
seen in the romantic behaviors exhibited on the social networking sites. Attachment theory holds
that humans are prone to developing and maintaining a deep affectional bond with their
significant other (Bowlby, 1988). This emotional bond is called ‘attachment’ and is defined as
“any form of behavior that results in a person attaining or maintaining proximity to some clearly
identified individual, who is conceived as better able to cope with the world" (Bowlby, 1982, p.
668).
and attachment avoidance (Brennan, Clark, & Shaver, 1998). Individuals who experience high
attachment anxiety also fear rejection and abandonment. The individuals who are high in
attachment avoidance are believed to have had unavailable and rejecting caregivers (Bailey,
Holmberg, McWilliams, & Hobson, 2015). The partner’s desire for closeness, intimacy, and
commitment with the significant other lowers his/her interest in alternatives and proneness to
infidelity. The avoidantly attached individuals are chronically discomforted with intimacy,
their partner (Bowlby, 1988). DeWall et al. (2011) examined how attachment styles are related to
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commitment, interest in alternatives, and infidelity. They found that partners who had
outlook that reflected greater interest in alternatives and an inclination towards infidelity.
Therefore, avoidantly attached individuals may be at a higher risk for alternative monitoring and
infidelity because they are quick to notice attractive alternatives in their environment. It is
Facebook Alternatives
The mindset of being in the market for a new partner whose potential best is compared
with the current partner’s worst may be at the root of relationship problems (Wallace, 2007).
Researchers have found that merely thinking about potential alternatives in one’s social circle
reduced relationship satisfaction and commitment with the current partner (Drouin, Miller, &
Dibble, 2015). As mentioned earlier, one of the factor that pull romantic partners away from each
other is the availability and quality of the potential alternatives or other relationship forms. The
social exchange perspectives (investment model and interdependence theory) argue that
individuals develop relationships in part by identifying available alternate partners for another
potential relationship (Rusbult, 1980; Thibaut & Kelley, 1959). Committed partners are less
likely to approach or allow others to approach them with romantic interests; they tend to dismiss
or devalue potential romantic alternatives to protect themselves, deny negative qualities of the
partner during periods of uncertainty, develop unrealistic positive thoughts about their
relationship and/or partner, and consider others’ relationships as less favorable (Johnson &
Rusbult, 1989; Rusbult et al., 2011). However, Facebook is set up such that others’ lives are
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glossed to create an impression of an ideal partnership, which may make some individuals feel
inadequate in their relationship (lowering present attractions, Levinger, 1965) or may even make
it harder for them to dismiss tempting alternatives. West (2013) measured Facebook use,
dating partners. The results showed that low levels of satisfaction and high levels of Facebook
alternatives did not predict significant differences in their commitment to the present
relationship. Gender differences in the monitoring of alternatives were seen; males reported
higher online monitoring of alternatives than females. Even before the Facebook era, researchers
found that men were more attentive and focused on alternatives than women (Miller, 1997;
Individuals use Facebook to solicit romantic interests not only when they are single but
also when they are in a committed relationship (Drouin et al., 2014). The perceived quality of
Facebook. Drouin et al. (2014) found that partners who exhibited lower relationship commitment
showed more keenness in sending and accepting ‘friend’ requests with romantic interests.
Interestingly, the frequency of friending attractive alternatives during the relationship was linked
with lower levels of relationship commitment rather than the total number of available
connections (Drouin et al., 2014). These researchers contend that it is far more important to
consider the number of ‘friend’ requests that are sent and received during a relationship than the
total number of Facebook friends. In another study, Drouin et al. (2015) asked Facebook users to
identify potential alternatives from either their Facebook ‘friends’ list or their memory. They
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found that those who identified alternatives from their ‘friends’ list recognized more alternatives,
especially sexual alternatives, than those who were in the memory recall condition. These
researchers inferred that Facebook connections can act as a memory primer for recognition of
Facebook Investments
Each partner in a healthy relationship must invest an intentional effort to work on the
than investing half-heartedly or sporadically (Wallace, 2007). When both partners equally
possess a strong commitment, the couple as a whole exhibits a sense of emotional security, trust,
and other qualities that promote mutual investments (Brines & Joyner, 1999; Wilcox & Nock,
2006). These relationship investments represent the barriers described by Levinger (cohesiveness
model, 1965) and Rusbult (investment model, 1980), which constrains the partner from quitting.
Partner who invest in their relationship are also more likely to enjoy their relationship (Wallace,
2007). In the contemporary times, a typical day of a social media active user can be inundated
with an over load of information that overwhelm the user. The time required to follow the virtual
friends’ incessant updates of their mundane activities can take a toll on the relationship. The time
displacement hypothesis suggests that time is inelastic and is non-expandable (Nie, 2001; Nie &
Hillygus, 2002). Therefore, the time invested with the virtual fiends trades off with the time that
could be invested in the relationship to strengthen the barriers. The time spent on Facebook is
found to have a strong positive correlation with the feelings of jealousy (Muise et al., 2009).
Jealousy and commitment may go hand in hand as White (1981) asserted that partners who are
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or publicly. The online interactions have increasingly caused concerns among couples and
clinicians. The secrecy afforded by the Facebook and the option of securing multiple Facebook
accounts (representing fake identities) can facilitate behaviors that can be destructive to the
offline primary relationships. A qualitative study by Carter (2015) found that heterosexual
married men and women who engaged in extra-marital sexual and emotional interactions on
Facebook jeopardized their marital relationship. Both genders were prone to initiating
communication with the extra dyadic individual (s) on Facebook, especially from their past.
Online interaction rules (spoken or unspoken) that distinguish between acceptable and
unacceptable behaviors are referred to as ‘netiquette’ (Helsper & whitty, 2010). According to
Cravens (2013), married couples rarely establish limitations around Facebook use despite prior
issues with Facebook behaviors. If any rules existed, they were implicit and presumed to be
shared. The couples communicated their reservations regarding the Facebook use only after the
problems surfaced. However, they still did not establish clear rules for future reference.
Generally, couples have shown a lack of consensus on what behaviors cross the boundary
within their relationship context. Therefore, the therapists can explore each partner’s implicit
rules and encourage sharing them with each other. The therapists should be prepared to help the
couples decipher each other’s perspectives regarding problematic behaviors (Cravens, 2013).
The therapists can also directly ask the partners to examine their personal values and biases
regarding the problematic behaviors. After the couple has mutually established the rules around
Facebook use, the therapist should discuss how those rules will be enforced and should also
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encourage discussion of the consequences in case the rules are breached (Cravens, 2013). In a
study comprising of married parents of university students, Norton (2011) found that couples
reported higher levels of trust when their social networking account passwords were shared or
when each partner had an access to the other partner’s account. However, Cravens (2013) found
contradictory findings where the majority of the participating couples felt that Facebook account
monitoring by the partner was a violation of their relationship. Cravens recommends that the
therapist should discuss if the account passwords can be shared or if both partners can be given
access to each other’s Facebook account (Cravens, 2013). However, the decision of sharing
Gunzburg (2016), an expert marriage counselor, urges couples to be cautious when using
social media and suggests to develop couple specific marriage boundaries, instead of looking at
the society for guidelines. He recommends protecting the romantic relationship by sharing
passwords for every social media site, identifying themselves as a happy couple on all the online
profiles, avoiding lengthy or short communication with opposite sex, and not complaining about
the spouse on social media. Having one Facebook account for the couple may also help curb the
negative implications from the Facebook use (Gunzburg, 2016). The couple should propagate
unity online and forego interests in alternatives. In the event that an ex-lover approaches a
committed partner, the ex should be informed that the individual is currently in a committed
happy relationship. Further contact should be avoided so that the old flames of love are not
stoked. To ward off threats, couples can use pro-relationship and inclusive terms to describe
themselves (such as we, us, our) instead of singular pronouns (I, he, or she; Agnew, 2009). In
essence, couples should demonstrate cohesion, which is a uniting force (Piper, Marrache,
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Lacroix, Richardsen, & Jones, 1983) or may signify a resistance against disruptive forces (Gross
& Martin (1952). The disruptive forces, online connections in this case, can steal investments
and lower commitment, but the couple’s cohesion can ward off threats to the relationship.
idealized romantic view of marriage (Wallerstein & Blakeslee, 1995) and viewing the partner
through rose-colored glasses (Gottman & Silver, 2000) can protect the relationship against
Facebook use has increasingly been studied in research to explore how its use causes
jealousy, suspicion, compulsive Internet use, partner surveillance, and relationships conflicts.
Although most of the research points to an association between negative marital outcomes and
Facebook use, it is pertinent to note that causal inferences cannot be made from this research.
The correlational studies do not provide the direction of the relationship. It is plausible that
dissatisfied and uncommitted partners may turn to the Internet to find what they presume they
are missing in their life. In such a case, Facebook may be one of the easily available platforms
that dissatisfied partners use to find social connections. There is an increasing need for
longitudinal qualitative and intervention studies to help decipher the direction of the relationship.
For example, the longitudinal panel designs can explore if Facebook use at Time 1 predicts
change in relationship status at Time 2. Intervention studies can also be very helpful; however,
these studies have to be carefully designed to ensure that experimental manipulation does not
exacerbate the relationship problems. Another limitation of the Facebook research is that most of
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the studies are conducted on young adults while studies on married couples’ problematic use of
social media are sparse (Cravens, 2013). Therefore, the results gathered from the sample of
convenience (college students) may not fully reflect the fluctuations that married couples go
through during their relationship. Consequently, these results cannot be generalized to all
populations and new studies encompassing older adults can lend further insights.
In the future studies, researchers can consider theories such as the mutually reinforcing
spirals model (Slater, 2007), which is comparable to the positive feedback loop theory to explore
whether social media and commitment affect each other in a reinforcing spirals modus. Does
Facebook undermine commitment or vice versa, or both? Moreover, the role of other social
media should be examined to study the plethora of evolving social media applications that are
targeting specific populations. Researchers can see if there are specific traits associated with each
social media site and application. It would also be interesting to see how individualistic and
collectivistic cultures view social media related infidelity and if the consequences differ between
the two cultures. Future research will help marital therapists who have to take the role of
educators and teach partners effective way of warding off relationship threats online and be
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