the diary of dazai osamu

Posted originally on the Archive of Our Own at http://archiveofourown.org/works/56771143.

Rating: Mature
Archive Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Categories: M/M, Gen
Fandom: 文豪ストレイドッグス | Bungou Stray Dogs
Relationships: Dazai Osamu/Nakahara Chuuya (Bungou Stray Dogs), Dazai Osamu &
Fyodor Dostoyevsky (Bungou Stray Dogs), Armed Detective Agency
Ensemble & Dazai Osamu (Bungou Stray Dogs)
Characters: Dazai Osamu (Bungou Stray Dogs), Nakahara Chuuya (Bungou Stray
Dogs), Mori Ougai (Bungou Stray Dogs), Oda Sakunosuke (Bungou
Stray Dogs), Fyodor Dostoyevsky (Bungou Stray Dogs), Armed
Detective Agency Ensemble (Bungou Stray Dogs)
Additional Tags: Diary/Journal, Angst, Suicidal Thoughts, Child Abuse, Self-Harm, Bad
Person Mori Ougai (Bungou Stray Dogs), Non-Graphic Rape/Non-Con,
Dazai-Typical Suicide Attempts (Bungou Stray Dogs), Dark, probably
the darkest thing i've ever written, Depression, Post-Traumatic Stress
Disorder - PTSD, Grief/Mourning, Unhealthy Relationships, Unhealthy
Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Stats: Published: 2024-06-19 Updated: 2024-07-09 Words: 31,440 Chapters:
39/?
 the diary of dazai osamu
by IrinyaClockworker

Summary

odasaku said i should write things down. that it might help me. i guess it's worth a shot.

Notes

seriously, pay attention to the warnings--this fic is extremely dark. be safe. stop reading if
you get overwhelmed.
 Chapter 1

XX/XX/XXXX

probably ruined someone's life today.

again.

his name is nakahara chuuya. he's fifteen years old. i told him i am too because i don't want
him looking down on me or asking questions about why i don't know my own age. i might be
fifteen. i don't know. i'm not sure it matters. i don't understand why it's so important to people
how long i've been alive. the answer is too long, no matter how i look at it.

chuuya is interesting. very human. very alive. very strong. that's where things start getting
bad.

mori wants him for the port mafia. possibly more than that. he didn't give me an order, but i
knew the moment he asked chuuya to join that i would be expected to convince him. carrot or
stick, whichever works. and when mori wants me to do something, it doesn't matter if he
gives me an order or not. i am expected to know all the same, and if i don't he hurts me

he's very disappointed in me.

and i'm not going to put myself under the knife for a stranger. this is the port mafia. self-
sacrifice is only a good thing if it's for the boss or the organization.

besides, mori hasn't had sex with me hurt me touched me why isn't there a nice way to say
this had any 'private meetings' with me in a while. he'll definitely do it again soon and i'd
rather not be recovering from another of his little torture sessions when it happens. i hate
pain, after all.

of course, all real choice was taken out of my hands as soon as mori admitted that he'd killed
his predecessor. knowing information like that, chuuya can either swear allegiance to the port
mafia, or die. and he doesn't seem like the sort of person who wants to die.

i say pretty words about choice, but i didn't actually have any. i never do. i obey mori.
whatever he wants, whenever he wants. i have no choice unless i want to suffer, and i don't. i
hate what he does to me, but there's nothing i can do to stop him. the only hope i have of
avoiding it is to obey.

so i made the first move today. the king of the sheep will be facing a revolution sooner or
later. and mori will leave me alone, at least for now.

XX/XX/XXXX
chuuya is arahabaki. the vessel of a living god. calamity incarnate, now five feet tall.

isn't that something?

XX/XX/XXXX

i was wrong.

idiot. moron. cretin. imbecile. dimwit. stupid. stupid stupid stupid stupid whore

he didn't even tell me how to die. he promised. he promised he would give me an easy way to
die if i did what he wanted. he promised he would finally let me die.

i should have known he wouldn't let go of his favorite toy so easily. he still needs me, after
all. he needs me for his plans, his brilliant little demon prodigy, the only known anti-ability
user. and, of course, he needs me for his bed. elise isn't enough, apparently. i'd wonder if he
wants a real human being, but i'm not that, either. maybe he just wants a more convincing
fake.

odasaku should be at the bar tonight. i usually get drunk before seeing mori, but this time it'll
have to be afterwards. maybe if i get really drunk i won't remember any of this tomorrow.

i want to see odasaku. odasaku doesn't cut me up if i disappoint him. odasaku doesn't touch
me.

i know he suspects something, has since the beginning, but he doesn't know who, or even
really what. the tiny scraps of information he has aren't enough. if he was anyone else, i'd
wonder if he already knew and just didn't give a damn, but he's different. he proved that to
me the first night we met, so i can be completely certain that he doesn't know.

i wonder what he would think if he did know about everything mori does to me. he wants to
help me, i know that. what would he think if he found out how mori ruined me? ah, odasaku,
who wants to save all the orphans... what would you think if you knew that i'm this far
beyond saving?

god, i wish i was dead.

XX/XX/XXXX

chuuya joined the port mafia today. he seems happy about it, but i don't know how long that
will last. he's not suited for this place. he cares too much. he's too human.

at least he's tough enough to protect himself if anyone tries anything.

mori is very happy with me. when i saw him, he smiled at me and touched my shoulder.
'come and see me later, dazai. we should discuss this new development.'
when he says things like that, i know he doesn't really want to discuss anything.

doing what he wants is always a gamble. sometimes it means i get to avoid punishment. other
times it just means trading out scalpels for silk sheets. i guess i was unlucky this time.

i don't know if he thinks it's some sort of reward for good behavior, or if me being his
obedient little puppet just turns him on that much. maybe it's both. it doesn't really matter.

however he thinks of it, spending the night in mori's bed is still the worst punishment i could
ever imagine.
 Chapter 2

XX/XX/XXXX

chuuya is acclimating more rapidly than i thought he would.

he's very loyal. i don't like that. loyalty to mori is dangerous.

chuuya believed in those strays right up until they tried to kill him. mori won't kill him as
long as he's useful, but that doesn't mean he's safe. it just means he won't die, and if anyone
knows how little that means, it's me.

and maybe i'd like to pretend he'd care if he knew

XX/XX/XXXX

chuuya has a meeting with mori today.

XX/XX/XXXX

chuuya hasn't come back yet. i feel sick

XX/XX/XXXX

chuuya came back. he looked fine. i asked him what the meeting was about, and as far as i
can tell it really was just a regular meeting.

i don't think i've ever felt so relieved in my life

XX/XX/XXXX

i don't know what's wrong with me. sometimes he looks at me and all i can think about is
how bright he is

stupid, stupid chibi, getting me to worry about him.

XX/XX/XXXX

i have made a decision.

seeing as how chuuya is my partner and needs to stay in good physical health in order to be
useful, and seeing as how mori has a bad habit of breaking his toys, i will be taking it upon
myself to ensure chuuya's safety.

i have spoken to kouyou, who assures me that she fully intends to continue serving as
chuuya's mentor and his superior unless and until he can reach executive status himself. good.
mori can be arrogant, but he is not stupid. making an enemy of ozaki kouyou is one of the
most foolish things anyone could possibly do. under her care, chuuya will be safe.

still, it's always a good idea to make sure you have extra support in case something goes
wrong. to that end, i have my own role to play in this plan.

mori's attention will not even wander, much less fall on chuuya. that is an absolute certainty,
because i won't let it. i will keep him focused on me, no matter what i have to do. he won't be
able to look at anyone but me.

this isn't a role i want to play. still, that's never mattered before, and it's doubly meaningless
now.

i hate this. i hate mori. i hate when he touches me i hate when he makes me let him as if i
want it i hate him i hate him i hate him i hate him i hate him i hate him i hate him i hate him i
HATE HIM

i don't want to do this.

but this is all my fault, anyway. i brought chuuya into the port mafia. i put him into this
situation. it's only fair that i do what i have to to make certain he doesn't face anything worse.
i deserve it

i really need to be drunk right now.

XX/XX/XXXX

the plan is working. mori was very enthusiastic. too enthusiastic, actually. i was practically
drunk out of my mind but i still don't think i've ever been in more pain in my life.

it's a good thing that i'm a naturally unresponsive person, i was afraid someone would hear as
it was. i did ruin one of his fancy pillows by biting it. serves him right.

i need to get better at this. it's not going to stop, so i can at least try to make it hurt less. why
does it still hurt so much? i've been enduring this for as long as i can remember-my memories
are completely blank before the first time i woke up to see his face. sometimes it makes me
wonder if i existed at all before then. maybe he built me from scratch.

he has been doing this to me from the beginning, and i don't remember anything ever being
different. as far as i'm aware, this body has never been my own. so why do i still feel sick
when he touches me? why do i still want to fight him? it always hurts. i'm always in pain. i
want to be numb to this on the inside the way i pretend to be on the outside. i don't want to
feel him touch me. it hurts when he smiles and whispers how much i love it. how good i'm
being for him. his perfect prodigy. i'm not his. i'm not. i want to believe that. i wish i could.

i'm no longer human once i'm in his bed. maybe i never was. the thing he turns me into is
what looks out at me from the mirror. i don't want that to be what i am. i'd be anything else,
anything except mori's doll, because it's killing me. he uses me and i die again and again and
this twisted, broken body rots under his touch but he doesn't stop. he tears me open and puts
me back together and i become nothing. i wish he would kill me. he always puts the noose
around my neck so gleefully, i wish he would let me fall.

he damaged me quite a bit this time. i had to intentionally hurt my leg afterwards so chuuya
no one would ask questions. add a new form of self-harm to the list, i guess.

chuuya has probably heard the rumors by now, about the things mori and i do. that our private
meetings aren't really meetings. that when no one is looking, the feared demon prodigy is
really nothing but a whore for the boss of the port mafia. that i earned my quick promotions
in his bed, on my knees, anything and everything they can think of. that i get special
treatment because i'm his lover. i could never think of us as lovers, but he might. i wouldn't
be surprised if he thinks i want what he does to me because i don't cry even when it hurts. it
has nothing to do with wanting it. i don't cry because i can't. i'm sure if i were capable of it, i
would be sobbing like a child as soon as he put his hands on me.

i'm glad i can't cry. i don't want to know what he would say if he saw that. there's nothing i
can do to stop him, after all. i was doomed the moment he decided he wanted me for himself,
so i might as well try to endure it with as much dignity as i can manage to hold on to.

dignity. what a joke. there's nothing like that in mori's bed.

i've never felt more humiliated than i do on the nights i spend with him. he always finds a
new way to make me hate myself, another item on the long list of reasons i want to die.

but even though i might as well have no dignity left, i don't want chuuya to know the truth.

i don't want the way he looks at me to change

 Chapter 3
Chapter Notes

i really tried to get across the feeling of what happens when your perspective is warped
so badly by abuse that you think it's your own fault. hopefully i managed it.

XX/XX/XXXX

mori called me for a meeting. a real one this time, with kouyou. it's a good thing that i refuse
to show my fear to him, so neither of them could see how relieved i was when i opened the
doors to his office and saw kouyou sitting near him. mori is an awful, disgusting man with no
sense of shame, and kouyou has never liked me, but i know at least he won't start anything
while someone else is watching, unless he knows for certain that they won't care. it's too
risky otherwise. it would be putting himself in danger. he's awfully pragmatic for someone
regularly having sex with a fifteen-year-old.

that doesn't mean that no one will ever walk in on anything. people have walked in on some
shocking situations before, but they've all been with elise, not me. still, it would only take one
mistimed entrance to ruin everything. imagining what would happen if someone else saw
what he does to me makes me sick. best case scenario, i have to deal with their pity, but they
keep their mouth shut. worst case scenario... i don't like to think about that.

at least when i see someone else, i know i am safe.

the meeting was surprisingly normal. we discussed business. then he asked about chuuya.

kouyou can't hide her emotions like i can, and i saw a glimpse of one that i didn't quite
recognize. it still made me feel better. she wasn't happy to hear his name come out of mori's
mouth, and that means she knows she has to work hard to keep him safe. that's reassuring,
because kouyou is one of the hardest workers i know.

chuuya is doing well. he has an excellent work ethic and is perfect for her style of training,
and she seems to like him. i was right, she was the best executive for him to train under. ace
had an eye on him for a while, but i wouldn't trust ace with him much more than i would
mori. ace is greedy, and i won't let that damned ability of his anywhere near chuuya. i
shudder to think the kind of jewels ace would get from a living god, and i'm certain that he's
thought about it a great deal himself. no, ace was never a possibility. kouyou actually cares
for the people under her, and her tendency towards overprotectiveness means that she fits
perfectly into my plans.

she has him working in the jewel markets, probably seeing as i do that he has too much
humanity to be a good interrogator. besides, the port mafia already has someone even better
than kouyou at breaking someone down and getting information from them.

it makes perfect sense, of course. i learned from the most sadistic man i've ever met. if
anyone knows how to hurt people, it's me.

the jewel markets will be a much better place for chuuya than the interrogation rooms. maybe
he'll even learn some subtlety, how to use his brain instead of his fists.

then, of course, mori turned to me and asked me what i thought. what was i supposed to say?
i blew it off entirely. 'slug isn't capable of something like that. his brain is as small as he is, i
would never entrust him with valuable items.' something like that, anyway. i could tell
kouyou didn't like that, but she didn't say anything. smart people know that when you're
dealing with mori's favorite, you have to pick your battles.

whether it's true or not doesn't matter. mori likes strength, but intelligence is even better. his
love of subjugating people he views as his intellectual equals, whether that be physically,
mentally, or sexually, can't be exaggerated. yet another reason why he loves seeing me
underneath him. downplaying chuuya's intelligence is just another way to make mori a little
less interested.

i made sure to show off my own skills throughout the rest of the conversation, keeping mori's
eyes on me, and it was obviously working. kouyou's presence was the only thing keeping him
in check, and that couldn't last forever.

the plan worked perfectly, of course. if i tilted my head just right, kept eye contact, played
with my bandages a bit, the results were so obvious that i couldn't even call it a prediction. it
was subtle enough that kouyou wouldn't notice, but i knew that mori would. and he did.

i don't remember what reason he used to get rid of kouyou but keep me behind. it doesn't
matter. it doesn't matter how i felt, that forcing myself to seduce him made me sick. it doesn't
matter what he did or what he said or anything else. the only thing that matters is that it
worked.

as soon as kouyou was gone, i went numb. i don't think i'll ever forget what he said to me.

'dazai,' in that voice that both freezes me in place and makes me want to run, 'you little tease.'

am i a tease? after today, i suppose i must be. what a wretched child, seducing a man eighteen
years my senior. i don't want to think about what i did ever again, but i know that this day has
been burned into my mind. i will never be able to forget what he did to me. what i asked him
to do to me. dazai osamu, little whore of the port mafia.

the view from his office windows was stunning.

pressed against the bulletproof glass, i wondered what it would be like to fall.

XX/XX/XXXX
i want to forget. i wish i could forget. i don't think any amount of drugs or alcohol will take
this away. why does it have to be me? why do i even care? i'm a demon, right? mori's demon
prodigy. this shouldn't bother me. why does it bother me? why do i hate it so much? why does
it always hurt so damn much? why can i still feel it even after he's long gone? i can't stand it.
i can't stand what he leaves me with. scratches, bite marks, bruises-i want to forget, but i'll
never be able to. how can i when even my own blood betrays me, painting my skin with the
memories of his touch? if anyone else ever saw... i don't want to think about it. no one can
know. no one can ever know.

i need to see odasaku. he always manages to calm me down.

i wish i could ask him to hug me.

XX/XX/XXXX

that stupid chibi cut me down today. doesn't he know what suicide is? kouyou will keep him
safe, so he should just let me die. i don't care if it hurts. i don't care anymore. life hurts so
much already. i want to die. i want to die. i want to die. i want to die. i want to die i want to
die WHY WON'T ANYONE LET ME DIE

XX/XX/XXXX

at this point, what happens after mori summons me is routine. if i'm lucky, i'll have time to
drink something before i go to him. something to try and dull the pain. if i'm unlucky, i'll
have no time at all between his order and my inevitable obedience. no matter what he wants, i
don't get to resist. i don't fight, i don't argue, because i am his doll. just his pretty little doll,
who can't even move or speak without him.

he calls me that, and it confuses me. he says i'm beautiful, desirable, something anyone
would want to possess, to take and own for themselves. i don't see that in the mirror. i see a
broken thing that's barely even still alive, but he whispers it to me over and over. anyone with
eyes would want me, but i'm his. his, his, his. this side of me is only for him. i should tell him
if anyone else tries to touch me. he doesn't want anyone to hurt me. i wonder what he thinks
he's doing.

if i am lucky, i'll fall asleep afterwards. that doesn't happen often. how am i supposed to sleep
when i can feel his weight next to me, when i know he can do anything he wants to me at any
time? how can i sleep lying next to someone who just hurt me so much? the worst is when he
actually tries to hold me, like he cares. like he's comforting me, even. it's not comforting at
all, i don't want him touching me. it makes me sick having to just lie there while he holds me.
it makes me want to claw my own skin off just to stop feeling him. but even if i struggle,
even if i try to push him away and make him stop touching me, he won't let go. he'll hold me
close to his chest and tell me that it's okay, it's okay. hushing me like i'm a child who's had a
nightmare even though he is the nightmare, and it's not okay, it's never going to be okay as
long as he has his hands on me.
in the morning, if i'm lucky, he'll dress me up again and send me on my way. if i'm unlucky,
i'll find out that he isn't done with me yet.

of course, that's only when it's planned. our impromptu sessions are much more varied than
that. they could be anywhere, and they're usually less procedural. faster, messier. more
painful. sometimes i wonder how his desk still looks as good as new.

but in the end, the details don't really matter. it's all the same thing, after all. location, timing,
exact process, none of that matters. it all comes down to the same event anyway, over and
over and over again. mori uses me how he likes and throws me away, always a little more
broken. it's an endless, repetitive nightmare, and it's been a long time since i had any hope
that it would stop. at this point, it's a fact of life. the earth takes approximately 365.25 days to
complete a full revolution around the sun, there are 206 bones in the adult human body, and
mori will have sex with me whenever he wants. there is nothing that i can do to change any
of these things.

all i can do now is remember the alternative, the other person who could be in my place.

chuuya is bright and fierce and stubborn. he doesn't do things he doesn't want to do. if he
found himself in mori's bedroom, he would resist. he would fight. and mori would break him.

i don't know what would happen then. i don't know if he could survive it. i don't want to find
out. i don't want mori to do that to him. he's already ruined me, so i can take it. i hate it, i hate
it so much, but i'm used to it. so i will be the one in mori's bed at night, and chuuya will be
able to keep living without any knowledge of the kind of people his boss and his partner
really are. that's the best thing i can do for him. if i can keep him away from all of this, it will
be worth it.

i know it's selfish to think like this, but i have so little that is really mine. even this body
doesn't belong to me, not really. i have nothing, so it's okay for me to be selfish sometimes,
right? i want to protect chuuya, but i also want to keep that light for myself. i want to be able
to see it. i want to leave mori's bed and know that there are things outside his shadow. i want
to have something beautiful in my life, something i can think about and look forward to while
mori tears me apart. some sort of promise that when he's done with me, when i'm broken
again, there will be something i can know is still there, something he hasn't contaminated like
he did me. even if it's only from a distance, that's okay. i just want to see it. i want to
remember that there are things in life that haven't been poisoned by his touch.

chuuya, at least, should be able to stay clean.

even though that means i have to stay away from him too.
 Chapter 4

XX/XX/XXXX

i tried again. i heard blood loss is a peaceful way to die, and i thought it sounded nice, just
drifting away. one of the few benefits of working under mori ougai is that i know exactly
where to cut. i've received extremely in-depth anatomy lessons, of course, but even if i hadn't,
i would still know. he's shown me the most dangerous areas to cut so many times by now;
when he puts his hands on me, there are no forbidden areas, but his scalpel can tear me apart
at the seams. he knows where a single slip could be fatal, and he acts on it, showing me the
places where i can do the most damage by virtue of his avoidance. he rarely miscalculates
that badly, but if he doesn't want me to kill myself, why did he show me just how to do it?

it was just as peaceful as i thought it would be. cutting myself like that hurt, but unlike when
mori cuts me, i knew the pain would go away soon, so it was okay. it was okay, because i felt
so lightheaded and warm. it was like i was in a comfortable bed, safe in a way i never am in
mori's, about to fall asleep. it reminded me of the night i met odasaku, and remembering that
just made me feel even better. i wondered if he would miss me. maybe he'd put me in one of
his books, make me less fucked in the head. that was a nice thought, a 'me' who wasn't such a
mess. odasaku was always so nice to me. i hoped he wouldn't miss me too much. i hoped he
would understand that i was saving myself. with this, i would finally be free.

i felt so happy. i don't remember ever being that happy before.

then i woke up.

for a moment, i hoped the shadow leaning over me was a figment of my imagination. a dying
dream. something that would go away so i could rest.

the pain in my stitched and rebandaged arms told me otherwise.

i had survived. i had been rescued again, and my 'savior' had taken me to mori.

mori doesn't like my suicide attempts. i wouldn't have the rest i wanted for a very long time.

for once i really, truly wanted to cry.

i don't have words to describe how much pain i was in after he'd finished with me. i'm not
sure if there are words for it. i couldn't move on my own, i could barely even breathe. all i
could do was lie there, spread out on his table, wishing for escape. he left me there for what
felt like forever, cold and in pain. i started to want him to come back. that thought still makes
me sick, but the thought of how i reacted when he did come back is worse.

the moment he came through the door, i started begging. i just wanted to be somewhere else. i
begged him to take me somewhere else, i was cold and everything hurt and if he just took me
away from that awful room i wouldn't complain or fight, so please, please, just get me out. he
stood there and he smiled and i knew that this was what he'd wanted. i couldn't even bring
myself to care. i just wanted to leave.

he picked me up and put his coat around me, and i thanked him. i thanked him. i was grateful
that he was taking me out of the room that he had just tortured me in. thinking about it makes
me want to die, but at the time i was too desperate to do anything else. i let him hold me, i
leaned my head against his chest, i wanted his touch, i craved it. any warmth, any softness, i
would have taken it in a heartbeat. so i huddled closer to him, shivered as he petted my hair,
and didn't even feel any fear when he took me into his bedroom. he put me into bed and
covered me up, and then he turned to leave.

and i begged him to stay.

i begged mori ougai, the man who made my life hell, who had hurt me in that same bed
countless times, to stay. i didn't want him to leave me. i didn't want to be alone.

he smiled, and i knew again that this was what he had wanted. 'of course, my dear boy,' he
said. 'don't worry. you know i'll always take care of you.'

this time, when he laid down in bed next to me and pulled me close, i didn't want to fight
him. i wanted to be closer to him. it felt comforting.

people don't touch me. i'm the demon prodigy, no longer human, the one who can make
helpless with a brush of the finger. people are afraid of me and what i can do, so they don't
touch me. my life is largely devoid of human contact, with very few exceptions.

the person who touches me the most is mori, and even he usually wears gloves. it isn't
enough. it feels too impersonal, too cold... but there's only one other option. i can never be
touched for longer than a moment unless it is during sex. i can never feel the warmth of a
human being unless it is mori's body pressed against mine. in that moment, having him hold
me, willingly touch me, be gentle with me… it felt like the kindest thing anyone had ever
done. i felt loved. it had been hardly any time at all since he'd finished torturing me, but in
that moment i felt warm and safe and cared for.

looking back, it's so obvious how he was using my own isolation against me. i was so unused
to a gentle touch that it made me fall apart. most of the time i have a clear enough head to
recognize his manipulation, but right then, i couldn't think. i just wanted him to keep touching
me like that. i craved it. the idea that he might stop terrified me.

'i'm so sorry i had to hurt you, dear boy,' he whispered, 'but it's for your own good. i have to
help you get better, and you'll never learn otherwise. i only do these things because i care
about you, my perfect little prodigy, my blood diamond. you understand that, don't you?'

at the time, it made sense. what would i know about love or caring? i just nodded, believing
every word.

'i wish you wouldn't act out like this,' he added, and sounded genuinely sad. 'we have so
much left to do together. it hurts me to see you do these things to yourself.'
i felt like the worst person in the world. here was someone who cared about me, who was
trying to make me better, and i was repaying that by hurting him. 'i'm sorry.' it was all i could
think to say. 'i'm sorry.' i might have repeated myself forever if he hadn't cut me off, shushing
me.

'i forgive you,' he said quietly, and the relief i felt at that was overwhelming. 'it's over now.
i'm just glad your partner brought you to me before it was too late.' chuuya? chuuya had
saved me? why would he do something like that? my mind was too muddled to think. nothing
felt real, but i resolved to myself that i would thank him later. 'please, promise me you won't
do this again?'

i didn't even have to think about it. 'i promise. i promise, i won't do it again. i won't ever do it
again.' i was babbling, and he silenced my frantic words with a kiss.

'good boy, dazai. i'm proud of you.'

i suppose i had invited what happened next.

somehow, looking back, it feels worse than any of the other times. i don't know why. it wasn't
as bad. i wanted it. i had a choice, and i wanted it. even half out of my mind as i was, i asked
for it. it should hurt less, because i chose to let him touch me. the one time i had freedom to
choose what happened to me, and i just spread my legs for him like always. he gave me
exactly what i wanted, so i can't even hate him properly for it. i know he was manipulating
me, but in the end it was still my decision. it was still my fault. how can i blame anyone else?

i think some part of me, somewhere, must have realized something was wrong, but it was
blocked out by the rest of what i was feeling. physically and emotionally, i was too
overwhelmed to make any sense of it. i should have been horrified. i should have been angry.
i wasn't.

i liked it.

god, admitting that makes me sick, but i did. on every possible level, i liked it. i thought that
finally, this was my reward for being good. i couldn't remember why i'd hated it before. it
must have just hurt because i wasn't good enough. he was trying to make me better, after all,
but this was different. this felt like a reward, not punishment. this was good, because i was
good, right?

i don't want to describe it in any more detail than that. just thinking about it is too
humiliating. i can't believe i did that, i can't believe i enjoyed it. i begged for it, what's wrong
with me? remembering it makes me want to put a bullet straight through my brain. even
though i crave human contact, the feeling of his skin against mine is never worth it. it's too
disgusting. it always comes with pain and humiliation, so why did i want it so badly? he's
poisoned me, i know it.

those rumors about being his whore just get more accurate all the time.

at least by the next morning i'd come to my senses, although that was its own kind of
nightmare. it took me a few minutes to fully process things, but i knew from the beginning
that something was off. i don't usually sleep on my stomach, for one, and there was a hand on
my waist that was certainly not my own. that was what made me realize where i was. i
remembered what i'd done, and i couldn't breathe as the horror of it tightened around me, like
he had reached into my chest and crushed my lungs.

i kept my eyes closed. maybe if i did that i could pretend everything was just a horrible
nightmare, and i would wake up any second. what i saw in my memories, that couldn't
possibly be me. i wouldn't do that. i hate him. i would never willingly be in bed with him. i
would never ask him to touch me, i wouldn't, i wouldn't, i wouldn't, so it was a bad dream. it
could only have been a bad dream.

'good morning, dazai,' he said, and i wanted to scream. i could feel his weight. this wasn't a
nightmare. this was real. 'you were so good for me last night. you've never been so obedient
before... if you were always like that, i wouldn't have to hurt you.' i remember it much too
clearly, the way i mentally begged him to stop, stop talking, don't make me remember what i
did. of course, he didn't stop. 'you enjoyed it, didn't you? i could tell. you're normally so
quiet, but i was actually worried someone would hear you. it could always be like that if you
would just do what i ask.' stop, stop, stop. the words wouldn't come out, though it wouldn't
matter if they did. 'just thinking about it makes me want more.' no. no. please don't. please,
i've had enough. i don't want to. of course, unvoiced pleas were even more useless than
spoken ones. i kept my eyes closed and let him do what he wanted. there was nothing else i
could do. i couldn't even cry for myself. i didn't want to cry in front of him, but knowing that
my face was just as blank as always reminded me that i wasn't human. if i was human, i
would cry.

if he had done it to a real human being, someone whose pain mattered, it would have been an
unforgivable crime. but i'm not human. sometimes i'm not even sure if i'm real.

i left the moment i thought my legs could convincingly support me; i resolved that i would
play off any unsteadiness as a result of severe blood loss. after all, i had just sliced my arms
open in an attempt to bleed to death. it would take some time for me to regain my strength,
even under mori's 'tender' care. especially under mori's care, but no one else needed to know
about that.

when i saw chuuya, he looked worried. that was strange. why would he be worried? 'what the
fuck happened?' he hissed. 'what did you think you were doing?'

i stared at him. even chuuya sometimes falters under the feared demon prodigy's gaze. 'chibi
really is stupid.' i put as much condescension into my voice as i could muster. i wanted him to
be angry. if he was angry, maybe he wouldn't do this again. 'do you still not know what
suicide is? i was trying to die, slug. and you got in my way again.'

'i saved your life!' he snapped. 'if i hadn't been there, the boss said you would've died for
sure!'

'i didn't want you to save my life. i didn't want you to bring me to mori. i wanted to die. what
part of that is so difficult for you to understand?'
he just stared back at me for a moment, like he was trying to wrap his head around the
concept of being suicidal. lucky him i've made sure he won't learn that feeling, at least not in
the same way i did. (though if mori is to be believed, i was suicidal before meeting him.
unfortunately for him, i don't trust anything he says.) 'why?' he finally asked. 'why do you
want to die?'

i almost wanted to laugh at that, thinking about scalpels. thinking about deceptively
comfortable beds. thinking about gloved hands and a dark red scarf and a smile under
glittering eyes. thinking about mori.

'silly slug.' that's a familiar question. mori asked it the day i met chuuya, and i'd been
surprised he would even bother to ask when he knew perfectly well that he was one of the
biggest reasons. the answer was even clearer after what had happened the previous night,
what i had become for those desperate moments. i wanted that thing dead. i still do. dead,
dead, dead. 'why would i ever want to live?'
 Chapter 5

XX/XX/XXXX

chuuya just keeps causing trouble for me. it's not as if i didn't appreciate this one, but why
does it always have to be complicated afterwards?

the rumors of the 'skills' i'm supposedly using to work towards executive position have spread
a bit too far, it seems. most people would never dare to try anything, since the rumors are
only rumors, while my nature as the demon prodigy is known as fact. today, though, i had the
misfortune of encountering a grunt who was apparently convinced enough of the truth of
those whispers that he was willing to risk his life. i suppose he forgot about mori.

i'd just been entering chuuya's room when he found me. i went in and flopped down on
chuuya's bed, knowing that it would irritate him. thinking about how best i could annoy him,
i paid no attention to my surroundings. why would i? people were terrified of me, and if
someone were to overcome that fear and assassinate me, well, they would be fulfilling my
greatest wish. i didn't think anyone would dare put their hands on me. i didn't think anyone
would dare touch mori's favorite.

i didn't notice he was there until i heard him shut the door behind him. it was too quiet to be
chuuya, so i looked over just in time to watch him lock it. 'wouldn't want anyone
interrupting.'

i'll admit that i got excited. i still wasn't even considering the idea that he wasn't going to kill
me. i don't remember exactly what i said, but i know i told him to get on with it. i was happy.
i thought i was finally going to die. when he climbed on top of me, the familiar position
scared me a little bit, but i still wasn't too worried. maybe he was going to suffocate me! there
was a convenient pillow right there, after all. sure, it wouldn't be a painless death, but it
would be clean and i would be dead, so i was okay with it. the most important part was the
part where i died, after all.

then he went for my belt, at which point i realized that he hadn't come to kill me after all. no,
he was there to do much, much worse, and i had just told him i wanted it.

i would have loved to kill him. truly. but i froze. i panicked, and i froze. not very demonic of
me, i know, but i could barely think beyond not again and mori's going to be furious if he
finds out and then i just went numb. i stopped feeling anything at all. my mind went fuzzy
like it would on some of mori's drugs, and i couldn't move. resisting, doing anything at all, it
all seemed too exhausting. everything is always so exhausting, trapped in this body i barely
even inhabit, but it felt concentrated, like i was being weighed down by more than just the
man who had started to undress me. i knew, distantly, that it was happening. it was a familiar
feeling. i just couldn't seem to bring myself to care. i wanted to disappear, but that wouldn't
happen, so what was the point in caring at all? it just seemed like too much of a bother. i
think a part of me wondered if i should do something to stop him, but it wasn't like mori
wouldn't do the exact same thing later on. i couldn't save myself, i couldn't keep those hands
away, so why put in the effort of caring at all?

i considered trying to provoke him into killing me anyway, but i didn't get the opportunity.

i'm certain that being in chuuya's room was the only thing that saved me. tiny, angry chuuya. i
knew he was there the moment i heard someone trying to open the door, and the door
subsequently slamming right off its hinges only confirmed it. chuuya stomped in, already
starting to yell at the person he knew would be there. 'shitty dazai, you-' he stopped abruptly,
no doubt taking in the sight of his partner sprawled out on his bed, looking at him without
seeing as some man he likely didn't know pulled open his shirt. to his credit, he processed it
all very quickly, as judged by the way i could hear him practically screaming. 'what the fuck
do you think you're doing?!' so loyal. jumping to protect me, again and again. i tore his life
apart, but despite the things he says, i don't think chuuya truly hates me. i don't know why.
'get the fuck out, i'll fucking kill you,' and i could feel the weight on top of me shifting rapidly
before disappearing entirely.

i couldn't summon the will to move, but i could hear chuuya's quiet curses, and when my eye
managed to focus i could see him standing over me and looking like he was about to panic.

'ah, chibi is here.' i couldn't seem to feel anything. no relief, no gratitude, no anger. nothing. 'i
meant to talk to you. got a bit interrupted.'

'dazai, are you okay?' his voice sounded so hollow. it confused me. 'he didn't... do anything,
right?'

i finally forced myself to sit up, fumbling with the buttons of my shirt until chuuya sighed
and took over. i looked at my hands and realized they were shaking. i didn't understand why.
'no, he didn't. chuuya got here just in time. why?'

he stared at me in what i thought was confusion. 'what do you mean, why? he was going to-'

'i know.' i pulled mori's coat around me. as always, the weight felt crushing. it felt like his
hands gripping my shoulders. 'i know what he was going to do. i want to know why chibi
cares. does he think he saved my innocence? kept me from being defiled?' i hopped off the
bed, spinning around to look at him. 'sorry, chibi. that ship sailed a long time ago.' and the
man who sent it on its so-called maiden voyage is the same one he bows his head to. i could
see his face pale.

'dazai... you're fifteen.' ah. kouyou had been teaching him some things. that was a relief; he'd
had someone to teach him things like that before it was too late. he'd had someone to tell him
the things i never got to learn. if some sick old man ever tried to touch him, he would know
what was happening, he would know to fight back. i was glad he had learned that. the thought
of someone like mori putting his hands on chuuya made me sick. at least he knew to make it
stop. at least he knew what i hadn't.

'yes. is there a problem?' i tilted my head, pretending to be genuinely confused. 'fifteen is old
enough to kill people, isn't it? if it's old enough for that, then i really don't see why this is a
problem. it's not hurting anyone. i wouldn't do it if i didn't want to, after all.' that was a lie, of
course, but he didn't need to know that. 'i'm glad you were here this time, because i definitely
wasn't interested in that guy, but otherwise, it's fun. i like it.' i don't. i hate it. i hate it, i hate it,
i hate it.

save me. chuuya, please save me. i can't do this anymore. please, please save me.

he stayed silent for a while. occasionally he would open his mouth, start to speak, and then
stop, clearly trying to think of the right words. finally, they seemed to come to him.

'what the fuck is wrong with you?'

i laughed. what isn't? 'chibi, if the fact that i've had sex before concerns you more than the
number of people i've killed, i think the real question is what's wrong with you.'

he just kept staring at me, and finally shook his head. 'i don't know what your issue is, but if
you're not going to do something about this, i will.'

i had to hide the clawing ice inside of me at that. 'what is chibi going to do? hunt down
everyone who's ever touched me? i don't think your slug brain can manage something like
that. why don't you just leave it alone?'

'boss told me that if something happens to you, i'm supposed to let him know. i think this
counts.' he was challenging me, but the lack of his typical response to my insults told me that
he was really worried. 'unless you want to tell him yourself?'

i wanted to laugh again at that. 'no. chuuya can do it himself.' i knew what the result would
be, of course: mori would hurt me again, punishment for 'letting' someone else touch me, and
he would remind me that i belong to him, that he owns me in every possible way. but i
certainly wouldn't be the only target of mori's anger, not this time. that man would pay for
what he did.

XX/XX/XXXX

they found the subject of our disagreement floating off the port. i could tell from his wounds
that mori had taken his time before sentencing him to a traitor's execution. jealous, sadistic
bastard.

chuuya seemed surprised by the brutality of it, but he's in the mafia. he got over it soon
enough. 'i guess messing with you has a high price, huh?'

ah, if only that were the case. 'i guess so.'

i knew it didn't have that much to do with me personally-it was just mori being possessive. i
knew from the first moment what would happen to that man, because there is one very
important fact about mori that i know quite well.

he hates sharing his toys.

and i am, after all, his favorite.

XX/XX/XXXX

i knew there would be hell to pay once mori found out, but he made me wait. it's another of
his favorite torture techniques, making me wonder when it will happen. making me wait in
fearful anticipation.

it happened today. he managed to drug me without my noticing, and when i woke up again... i
don't want to think about what was happening when i woke up. i wanted nothing more than to
stay asleep, to sleep forever and not know, but i couldn't. i was in too much pain.

i don't know how long it went on. it felt like a thousand years to my still drug-addled mind.
but it wasn't enough for him. apparently, i hadn't properly learned my lesson.

so he reminded me who i belong to.

even if i ever had any hope of forgetting that, there's no way i could now. not now. i'm never
going to be able to forget after what he did to me.

as usual, no one questioned anything. even if they wondered why i suddenly seemed so tired,
why i walked around in a haze of detachment, still numb to the world... no one said anything.
even odasaku didn't bother to push the issue after the first time i downplayed it. i didn't know
if i wanted him to or not, but at least if he had i would have felt like he was asking for
reasons beyond courtesy or curiosity. i don't know what chuuya would have said. i avoided
him. i didn't want to see him if there was any risk he might behave like the others.

it's funny, isn't it? i don't want people to know what's happening to me, but i'm still so, so
tired of it being overlooked. the entire damn port mafia, not one of them ever bothers to really
ask me if i'm okay, to care enough to honestly want to know. even my best friend can't be
bothered to really try... he gives me such a sad look when i lie to him, when he knows i lie to
him, but there's something else there, too. pity? am i to be pitied, now? pitied, but left alone.
no one will ever do anything to help me, even if i do tell them. i know that. they're all either
too loyal to mori or too afraid of him. they get to live their happy, comfortable lives, profiting
off of operations i led, plans i made, and what do i get? i get to be tortured when i make a
mistake and treated like a doll when i don't. they get to be blissfully ignorant, and i get to be
mori's personal whore.

these people don't deserve what they have. they don't deserve any of it. i give so damn much
to this organization and i get nothing in return except for more pain. i don't matter, as long as
everyone else gets what they want. no one will ever ask me what i want.

i want to see the port mafia destroyed for what it's done to me. i want to see the sky blotted
out by ash and smoke. i want to see its headquarters crumble into dust.

i want mori to pay for what he's done. i want them all to pay.
i want to watch this place burn.
 Chapter 6
Chapter Notes

every day i dream of killing mori with rocks

XX/XX/XXXX

chuuya is more powerful than anyone thought. he could burn the world to ash were it not for
the fragility of his mortal vessel.

mori knows.

this isn't going to end well.

XX/XX/XXXX

i'm still shaking. things just keep getting worse and worse, and for once, i don't have a plan to
fix things. i have to make things up as i go, and i don't like it. i've lost all control, and it
scares me.

mori called for me again today. considering the situation with chuuya, i was almost relieved
that it was just for sex. thinking about what it could have been helped me let him do what he
wanted, until his weight fell heavier and his voice whispered into my ear. 'dazai,' he said
softly, 'i know this is unusual for us, but... tonight, i don't want to have sex with a doll.'

my heart sank at first, but i realized quickly afterwards that this was an opportunity. 'then...' i
looked up, and had to force myself to make eye contact. 'you want me to show my feelings?'

he smiled, and for a moment, it almost looked kind. 'yes, dazai. you can have emotions, for
tonight.'

and i did.

i fought him. i tried to pry his hands off of me, hoping to prevent bruises from forming. i
screamed, or at least i tried to. i found out my voice wasn't working quite as well as i would
have liked, but that was fine. there was still more that i could do.

i tried to push him off of me. i tried to scratch him, clawing at his back, his eyes, anything i
could reach, and when he turned me over to prevent that, i tried to kick him. unfortunate for
me, then, that even without his ability he was much stronger than me. i wished for chuuya's
strength, but it could never be as easy as wishing. i couldn't cry, but i could fake it, and i did.
it wasn't hard. it hurt. i wished i could just be numb to the pain, and to everything worse. i
wished i could simply not feel him at all.

somehow, i didn't have to try to manufacture fear.

'dazai, you seem upset,' he crooned. 'is something wrong?'

'yes!' i shouted at him because i could, and i wanted to. i was finally allowed to be something
other than a toy, and i was going to take that opportunity. if i was allowed to be honest, i
would be, and damn the consequences. he would probably come up with some sort of
punishment later, even after telling me it was fine, but i didn't care. i would let out the words
that had been festering inside me for so long, and maybe that relief would fill up the hollow
space in my chest. 'i hate this! i hate you, you disgusting old man, get off of me! stop
touching me! leave me alone!'

to my shock, he actually pulled away, and i turned over again. i needed to see what was going
on. 'oh, dazai.' he said it like he cared. 'i wish you had told me sooner! i had no idea...'

'yes, you did,' i spat. 'you just don't care.'

'do you really think that low of me?' he sounded genuinely startled, even hurt, but i knew that
was a lie, too. 'dazai, if you don't want this, i'm not going to force you. you can leave
whenever you like.' it was a trap of some kind, i knew it. i needed to be careful, so i stayed
quiet and still, just like a doll.

i could feel all of the relief and satisfaction of honesty draining out of me as he revealed the
full extent of the trap, leaving me even emptier than when we started. 'of course i won't make
you do anything you don't want to do,' he said softly. 'i'll find someone else. maybe chuuya...
he's quite pretty, don't you think?'

there it was. the sharp metal teeth snapped closed around my leg, and i was caught.

if i were really the demon everyone thinks i am, i would have done what any trapped animal
would do-simply gnawed my leg off and escaped. to hell with what might happen to chuuya,
at least i wouldn't have to suffer anymore... but i couldn't. having lived through this for so
long, i knew what it did to a person. i knew how it had destroyed me. i knew how he had
destroyed me. how could i willingly inflict that on someone else?

and therein lies the reason i still have to live like this. i am stuck in exactly the wrong state of
being-not human enough to be saved, and not demonic enough to save myself.

'wait, chuuya?' i scoffed. 'you're joking, right? he might be pretty enough, but do you actually
think you could enjoy him? he's strong, yeah, but he's too stupid for your tastes. and he
wouldn't be your doll. he could never be what you want.'

'oh, you think so?' mori smiled. 'it almost seems like you're trying to protect him. i thought
you hated each other.'
'protect him? are you kidding?' i laughed. it hurt my throat. 'i can't stand that stupid slug. he
can die for all i care. i'm just insulted he's being compared to me when i'm obviously superior
to him in every way imaginable.' chuuya would probably hit me if he heard that. he usually
does when i insult him. it hurts, but i'm okay with that. in fact, i like it. it's not like how it
hurts when mori cuts me open, or anything else. it hurts in what i can only imagine is the
normal way, and i never feel normal. maybe i shouldn't make him angry on purpose, but i
want him to hate me, and i want him to hurt me. it helps. somehow, it helps. 'mori should
know by now that i'm the best doll he could ever find. that's why i'm his favorite toy. not
chuuya or anyone else.'

he laughed quietly, and put his hand on my stomach. my skin crawled, but i forced myself to
slow my breathing so he wouldn't feel how scared i was. i just wanted him to leave me alone,
but i didn't have a choice. i never did. 'you're an odd one, dazai. telling me you hate this, and
then getting angry when i consider turning to someone else? if you hate it so much, why does
it matter to you?'

oh, if i could have died right there. i widened my eyes and covered my mouth with a hand.
'could you not tell? i didn't mean any of that. you said you wanted me to show emotion, but i
don't feel that right. so i thought about what someone else might do! was it... was it not what
you wanted?' the intentionally childish tone i put into my voice made me want to tear out my
own throat and shred my vocal cords, but it would make things a little bit easier. i knew how
much he enjoyed anything that made me seem younger than my actual age, the sick bastard.

'oh, dazai.' he smiled, and leaned back down over me. 'that was exactly what i wanted. you're
always so good. do you want more?' i wanted to kill him. i wanted to kill myself. anything so
long as it would end this.

'of course!' i huffed. 'hurry up! you stopped before we even got to the good part!'

the look in his eyes told me that i'd said exactly the right thing.

he picked up where he'd left off, just like i'd told him i wanted. he played with me like a doll,
just like i'd told him i wanted. he did exactly what i'd told him i wanted. nothing more,
nothing less.

it hurt so damn much.

it hurt even more knowing i'd brought it all on myself.

when he was finished, we went through our usual routine. after he finished dressing me to his
satisfaction, i started to leave, only to be halted by a hand on my shoulder and his voice in my
ear again.

'does your dear chuuya know about this?' a pause, and i could hear the smile in his voice. 'i
hope he thanks you for your sacrifice.'

i could feel something inside me shatter. he knew. he knew. he knew all along what i was
doing, what my goal was. he pulled back the curtain to show me the stage, and i saw with
horrible clarity that the puppet was me. it had always been me.
'don't worry, dazai. as long as you keep being such a good boy for me, i won't touch him. and
as long as you keep your mouth shut, i won't say a word to him about any of this. if you can
stay quiet and not tell anyone else the things you know, then it can all stay a secret between
the two of us.'

'you mean about the former boss?' i didn't look back at him. 'i haven't told anyone. you're the
only one who's said anything about it.'

'i know.' his hand moved into my hair, and if i'd managed to eat anything i probably would've
thrown it all up onto his expensive carpet. he would have deserved the extra trouble. 'it's like i
said, dazai. you're a good boy, and if you stay that way, i won't have to punish you. but if you
say anything about it, i'm afraid that i just can't guarantee that no one will ever find out about
your dirty little secret... and i shudder to think what might happen to you after that.'

'you'd let other people play with your toys?' my voice stayed completely flat. 'that's not like
you at all.'

'oh, dazai, dear.' he moved in front of me and made eye contact. 'you know i don't want other
people putting their hands on you, but if you aren't careful, i'll be too busy focusing on my
own protection to do anything about yours.' cross me, and i'll throw you to the wolves in a
heartbeat. 'i know you think i hurt you, but i'm actually quite gentle with you. there are many
here who wouldn't be as kind to you as i am. i don't want that for you, dazai. so i won't let
that happen, as long as you obey. no one else has to know about what we've done together.
dear, loyal chuuya doesn't have to be involved in any of it.' he smiled. 'you see? i'm not
completely heartless. everything will be all right, as long as you remember that you are mine.'

as if i could ever forget it. even after all of the cells in this body are replaced, i know i won't
be able to escape that knowledge.

i wonder if he's the one who made me feel the way i do. maybe i've always been like this.
maybe i was never a human being to begin with. maybe i deserve to be treated the way i am.

i couldn't stand it. i needed to feel something, anything, that i could convince myself was
normal. so i went, and i provoked chuuya until he practically beat me into the ground.

and it made me feel better.

 Chapter 7

XX/XX/XXXX

apparently chuuya turned sixteen without telling me. i would have at least tried to get him a
cake. with a frosted slug on it, of course.

i guess that means i'll be sixteen soon enough, too. another year gone, and i'm still alive. what
a waste.

happy birthday, stupid chibi.

XX/XX/XXXX

i noticed something recently.

no matter what, chuuya always wears something with a hood or high collar. always.

i know what it looks like when you're trying to hide something of yourself. after all, i am
rather an expert. i doubt it's the same sort of thing i have to hide, though. i hope not.

well, he is my dog, so i suppose i have to look after him. if it is the same thing... i'll just have
to handle the situation.

XX/XX/XXXX

i found out what it is that chuuya's always trying to hide.

it's not what i hide, but i can't say it's much better. it's a tattoo, and not of the embarrassing
impulse decision variety: five characters written in indelible black ink on the back of his
neck.

A5158.

i know what that means. it's an identifier, a designation code. openly marking someone with
it is one of the most dehumanizing things imaginable. it takes away your name and identity
and reduces you to a string of letters and numbers to be put into a database and forgotten.

no wonder chuuya covers it up. it must be as painful to think about for him as the marks on
my own neck are for me-an eternal reminder of just what we are to the rest of the world.

i have been a negligent pet owner, i suppose.

it's time i found my dog a nice collar.

XX/XX/XXXX

i gave chuuya the gift i picked out for him today. it's nothing much, just a simple black
choker; i wouldn't want to spoil him yet. he seemed confused, so i gently reminded him that
he is my dog for life. it's only proper that he have a good collar.

he yelled at me, but i think it went over well in the end. he put it on right away, and i don't
think he's taken it off for a minute since.

it feels odd, seeing him so happy about it. it feels odd knowing i caused that. i made him
happy.

i think... i might like it.

XX/XX/XXXX

mori was in tokyo on business when my sixteenth birthday came around, so i thought i could
get through the day without any fuss. unfortunately, someone told chuuya, and he actually did
get me a cake. it had a frosted fish. i can't say i didn't enjoy the gesture, and the fact that we
were apparently on the same page there, but honestly, i don't want to make a big deal out of
the day. it's the day that brought me into this world i hate, so why celebrate it?

i don't actually know if it's my birthday, anyway. mori told me it is, but why would he know
when i was born? he probably just picked a random day. guess it doesn't make much
difference.

still... the cake was good. and then chuuya wiped some of the frosting off on my face, so i
had to retaliate, of course. there was a bloody battle, but in the end, we had to call a truce
when we started to run out of ammunition.

then, while we were finishing the cake, chuuya said something that surprised me.

'i don't think i've ever heard you really laugh before.' he looked much too serious for someone
with frosting on his nose, but he was still smiling.

i thought about it, and realized that i had, in fact, been laughing. i hadn't even noticed it. i'd
been having so much fun... fun. that wasn't a common feeling for me. in fact, i could count on
one hand the amount of times i could remember actually having fun. ah, chibi was truly
dangerous.

'i was laughing at you, obviously,' i said, waving a hand. 'wiggling around on the floor like
that, i thought you might turn into a real slug right then and there.'

'hah? as if you didn't look just as ridiculous, flopping around like a fish out of water!' the
heated response was instinctive, before he laughed again. 'i mean it, though. i've never heard
you laugh like that. it was... nice. you should do it more.'
i couldn't help but stare at him, trying to process his words. i couldn't. they didn't make sense.

he must have noticed, because he sighed and smiled again, a little crooked.

'happy birthday, shitty dazai.'

looking at him like that, i couldn't help but think that birthdays might not have been so bad.
 Chapter 8

XX/XX/XXXX

chibi asked a weird question today. actually, a lot of questions got asked today. can't say i
liked giving the answers.

we're working an assignment in sendai, taking care of a smuggling organization that started
trying to put down roots in yokohama. it's expected to take a couple of days, so we're staying
in a hotel. under fake names, of course.

anyway, the questions. i was trying to relax, enjoying a rare break from having to be around
mori. jobs aren't supposed to be vacations, but anything that gets me away from him is one as
far as i'm concerned. as long as i'm away, mori can't keep essentially blackmailing me to get
me into his bed. speaking of, i even have the privilege of sleeping in my own bed here, by
myself-the hotel room is western-style, two beds, and it's heavenly. no sick old men next to
me, no one next to me at all, and i get to be comfortable. i was appreciating my good fortune
when chibi spoke up from the other bed.

'hey, shitty dazai.' he paused. 'do you remember when you were a kid?'

ah, i thought. an existential crisis. nothing too surprising there, all things considered.

'nope.' i stared at the ceiling, finding that my good mood had disappeared. 'sorry, chibi. i don't
remember a single thing before fourteen.'

i could tell he was staring at me in shock without having to look over. 'you only remember
two years?'

'that's what i said.' i folded my arms and used them as a pillow. 'my first memory is waking
up in mori's clinic. he said he'd pulled me out of the river after a suicide attempt. truth is, i
don't even know my own name.' i looked over to him to see the stricken expression on his
face. i knew he wasn't looking for this kind of answer, but it was the only one i had to give.
'mori gave me this one, like pretty much everything else. two of the characters in it have to do
with ruling, isn't that just like him?'

'what do you mean, pretty much everything else?' so many questions.

'didn't you know? i got my coat from him. actually, i got a lot of clothes from him. mine got
ruined by the river, and obviously i didn't know if i had any more, so... he bought some for
me.' a lot, some, just ways to lie without lying. i didn't know yet if it was safe for chuuya to
know that, in truth, i wore nothing on my body that hadn't been chosen and paid for by mori.
after all, it only made sense for him to buy clothes for his own doll, right? to choose what it
wore, dress and undress it... all the things that one did with a doll, and a few more besides.
'since i didn't know who my parents were, he even told people i was his son so they wouldn't
ask questions i couldn't answer.' as if the way he treated me was anything like a son. what a
laughable and disgusting idea. i may not have known much about having a family, but i knew
that you were supposed to treat your son like a human being, not like a plaything.

'wow.' he laughed, a little sarcastic. 'no wonder people say you're his favorite.'

'i am his favorite, slug.' i smiled. 'he wouldn't have kept me if i wasn't.'

chuuya paused. 'okay, could you not say it like that? that makes it sound really creepy.'

well, stupid chibi, that's because it is. 'oops!' i laughed. 'i guess so. my bad!'

'that's really unbelievable, though,' chuuya muttered, after a brief awkward silence. 'you've
really been with him as long as you can remember? you don't remember anything else?'

'did i not make myself clear enough?' i hummed. 'that's it! i don't remember anything at all
before that.' i remembered plenty after that, though. 'i woke up, mori told me what happened,
he figured out i couldn't remember anything, he named me, bought me clothes, and then that
night he killed the boss and took over the port mafia! it was a pretty eventful first day.'

chuuya's jaw dropped. 'he killed the old boss the same night he found you?'

'i guess he was in a hurry.' i shrugged. 'the old man was causing a lot of trouble for everyone,
so it makes sense he'd want to get it over with quick.'

of course, i'd left out what he did after that. i'd left out the part where mori's idea of a
celebration was having sex with a suicidal, amnesiac teenager.

i'd left out the part where i didn't know what was happening. if i'd learned about sex
beforehand, i didn't remember it. i had thought it was weird when he insisted on helping me
get out of my bloodstained clothes, but i took it as being too concerned. i didn't know. i didn't
know, even when he finished undressing me and didn't leave. even when he climbed into bed
with me and touched and touched and touched and didn't tell me why. even when he did
much more than that. i didn't know, and it hurt so much. he moved me like i was a puppet,
and i just laid there and tried to keep my eyes shut because the look on his face was even
more terrifying than the murder he had just committed in front of me. i didn't cry, because i
couldn't. i was scared and i wanted to hide, to disappear, but i couldn't. i'd left out the part
where he saw that i was shaking and kissed me, whispered that it was okay, that i was being
so good for him. that was the first time he said that to me, but it certainly wouldn't be the last.
i didn't realize until he silenced me with that kiss that my throat hurt. i didn't realize until then
that i'd been screaming it raw.

i'd left out the part where i begged him to stop. i'd left out the part where he didn't. it hurt, it
hurt, it hurt, but he wouldn't stop. not even for a second, to let me catch my breath, to let the
pain ease. he wouldn't stop. i wanted to cry. i thought that maybe, if i could just cry even one
tear, he would understand how much he was hurting me. he would stop. but i couldn't cry.

i'd left out the part where he turned back to me before leaving and told me with a smile on his
face that i wasn't allowed to lock my door. i'd left out the part where he promised to remove it
entirely if i tried. i'd left out the part where i realized that whatever he'd just done to me, he
was going to do it again, and there was nothing i could do to stop him.

i'd left out the part where i began to wish, more than anything, that he had never pulled me
out of that damned river.

i wish i could tell chuuya what happened to me. i wish i could know that he would listen.

XX/XX/XXXX

no one else will listen, chuuya. i only have you.

but you don't see me any differently from anyone else. unnatural, inhuman, and not worth
saving. isn't that right?

i know it is.

i know that you will never see me the way i see you.

because you are a god

and i am a demon

and happiness isn't possible for me.

and i want it to be possible for you.

chuuya

i feel so empty i can't breathe

and when you look at me i feel like a real person.

chuuya

i let him touch me

because i don't want him to touch you.

i don't want to do it

but i'm already his whore

and i think

if you knew

i would put a gun into my mouth

and scatter my brains all over those silk sheets

because i couldn't bear to see the look in your eyes.

chuuya

i know you think i act like i'm dead

i know you think i'm insane

is it my fault?

tell me

chuuya

i want to know if it's my fault

chuuya

he broke me

how could i be like you?

chuuya

i'm sorry.

i know it's sick.

especially when i do all of this to keep you out of his bed.

but the truth is

i always imagine you there with me.

not suffering like i am

just lying there next to me

looking at me like you care.

like it makes you sad to see me like this.

like you aren't disgusted.

chuuya

on the worst days

you hold my hand

and you talk to me.

you tell me that you're going to save me.

you tell me that he's never going to touch me again.

and when he's done

and i feel so empty

hollowed out, scraped raw on the inside

nothing but the porcelain shell of an obedient doll

still you are there.

you hug me

and you promise that everything is going to be okay

and then i remember

that you aren't really there.

that you don't know.

that you can't know.

that if you did you wouldn't hold my hand and say kind things to me.

you wouldn't hug me.

you would just call me a whore like everyone else.

and you would leave

and i would be alone.

and i lie there

and i wish you would kill me

because if you did

then you would have saved me after all.

XX/XX/XXXX

note to self: do not drink around chuuya.

 Chapter 9

XX/XX/XXXX

i asked chuuya my own questions today. like always, results as predicted.

'hey, chibi, what do you think of mori?'

'boss?' he paused, clearly thinking about it. 'he's a good leader. i try to keep what he said
about being both a leader and a slave for your subordinates in mind, it's good advice.' i
wanted to laugh. as if mori would ever be a slave to anyone. no, he would more willingly
enslave others, threading strings through their veins until they're nothing but puppets that
dance at his command. he speaks of being a slave to his subordinates while keeping me
eternally chained to him. i can try to wander, but when night falls the leash will snap and pull
me back to where i always find myself: shackled at mori's side. he is a liar and a hypocrite,
but chuuya wouldn't know that. 'i respect him,' chuuya continued, and i wondered if i had
missed anything, lost in my own thoughts. 'his leadership is admirable... i don't really know
what i'm supposed to say here.'

'that's enough.' my voice was quieter than i would have liked for it to be. 'so your opinions are
positive?'

'yeah. why wouldn't they be?'

i wanted to laugh. or cry. or scream. or all of the above. 'he hurts people, you know.'

i could tell he was looking at me like i was an idiot even without seeing his face. 'um, yeah.
he's the boss of the fucking port mafia. it kind of comes with the job. doing things that a
normal person couldn't even begin to imagine, and all that... besides, like you're one to talk,
demon prodigy. don't pretend you're innocent. if anyone knows better than to believe that, it's
me.'

'none of that disturbs you?'

'of course it fucking disturbs me,' chuuya spat. 'you think i like watching you torture people
past their limits? you think i'm not even a little bit unsettled by how gleeful some of you
people are about what you do? i'm not going to claim i'm a good person, i like my work and i
like fighting, but some of you take it too far. if he does that, it's not that surprising. i don't like
it, i'm not a complete monster, but he introduced himself to me by confessing to a murder. i'm
not fucking blind, dazai. i know what kind of man he is.' no, you don't. 'but people are going
to get hurt anyway. it doesn't matter if it's him or you or someone else doing it. i'm in the
goddamn mafia, i can't get sad about it. that's just how things are, so what's the point in
caring? it's not something i can change, so i'm not going to waste time and energy crying over
it.'

how unexpectedly pragmatic of him. that response made me hesitate a little bit longer, not
wanting to hear what i was sure he would say to my next question. but i had to test the waters
before jumping in, and this was the way to do it. i kept my voice light and calm, wanting it to
sound purely like a hypothetical.

'would you care if he was hurting me?'

there was a moment of silence, and then chuuya laughed. it hurt more than it should have.
'you? dazai, if he's hurting you, it's because you're asking for it.'

i thought i had prepared myself for an answer like that. he didn't know the full extent of what
he was saying. he didn't mean it, because he didn't know. it still felt like he had punched me
with all of his strength, and i knew that if i could cry i would be blinking back tears. instead i
swooned dramatically, putting a hand to my forehead. 'ahhh, chibi is so mean to me~ chibi
thinks i deserve to get hurt~ chibi is such a bad dog, he should be more loyal...'

'this is exactly what i'm talking about!' he retorted. 'you pull this kind of shit all the time. you
push and push and push and then act like you aren't absolutely begging for it when people
push back. and you're the boss's favorite, too, everyone knows that. he'd be more patient with
you than anyone else, right? i don't know what you might have done to piss him off, but
knowing you, it must have been a lot. face it, dazai, if he hurts you it's because you have it
coming.'

every subsequent word that came out of his mouth told me what i needed to know. i would
find no sympathy here.

it wasn't like i had really expected to. why would i? i do purposefully antagonize people,
especially him. sometimes i don't even know why. i guess i just want to see if i can provoke
someone into finally killing me in a way that won't let mori bring me back… and if that
doesn't work, well, i don't care if i get hurt otherwise. it's normal pain, so i'm okay with it.
being treated like a human being is nice, even if it's only when people hurt me. i hate pain,
but i'm used to it.

and the layer underneath it all, the one he couldn't see... on that level, he was right too, wasn't
he?

my mind called up the memories against my will, and none were stronger than the ones from
the night chuuya, in his ignorance, had saved me from death and brought me to the person
who made me long for it so dearly. i would carve my own brain open to remove that night
from it, to remove whatever sick part of me had taken over. i would do anything to forget the
irrefutable evidence telling me that chuuya was right.

i laughed only because i couldn't cry.

'mm, maybe chibi is right... i guess i am asking for it!' it is my fault, isn't it? i deserve it. why
would i ever think he would care? why would anyone care? why would anyone save me
when i did all of this to myself?

it hurt doubly knowing how many nights i'd climbed into mori's bed for his sake, how much
i'd submitted to because mori said he would be safe if i was a good boy. what would he say to
that, if he knew? would he be grateful? at the very least, understanding? or would he just join
in with the whispering crowd, calling me mori's whore? it didn't matter. i could never tell
him, because the thought of him looking me in the eye again and telling me i deserved it was
unbearable. i gave in to it for him, so he would never have to endure any of mori's sick
perversions, so he would never have to bend and break under the weight of it all like i did.
and it hurt so much to hear him tell me i deserved it, even without knowing the full extent of
what he was saying. if he knew, and said it again... forget trying to find an ideal suicide. if he
told me i was getting exactly what i deserved, i wouldn't hesitate to put a bullet through my
skull right then and there. maybe then he would understand that i didn't want it. maybe then
he would regret what he said.

but then again, maybe he wouldn't say it. maybe he wouldn't need to. actions speak louder
than words, after all, and chuuya has always been far more inclined to the physical. even
without his ability, he's still stronger than me. a lot stronger. if he wanted to... i couldn't stop
him. he has a lot of frustrations that i'm sure he would enjoy taking out on me, and i know he
thinks i'm attractive; i've noticed him looking at me a few times in a softer version of the look
i see from mori. i suppose at his age it's to be expected, but if he decided he wanted to do
something about it, there wouldn't be anything i could do.

no, that's an absurd thought. chuuya is surprisingly moral for a member of the mafia. he
wouldn't do that, not even to an inhuman thing like me. he's not a monster like mori and i are.

maybe that's why it would hurt so much, if even chuuya saw me the way the rumors paint me.
if even someone like chuuya thought that... how could i possibly hope to deny it?

so chuuya will never find out about me and mori, no matter what i have to do to make sure of
it.

even if it means i have to keep on being mori's plaything until death finally cuts my leash.
because it has to be death. i have to die. when will he get tired of me? i have to die. but until
then... i'll do anything, as long as i can still pretend.

XX/XX/XXXX

i'm so tired. when is it all going to end? i just want it to stop. why can't everything just stop?
when is it going to be over?

what did i do to deserve this? even back then, was i so awful that i deserved what he did to
me? why did it have to be me?

when will i finally die?

XX/XX/XXXX

got a new pair of bracelets today. pretty things, just like me. ah, but when i asked the chibi
what he thought of my new accessories, he looked at me like i'd showed him something truly
awful. what a strange creature a chibi is! his hat must really be eating his brain in order for
him to not like them. i thought so hard about what i wanted and everything! but i guess i can't
account for the mental processes of a tiny hat rack, and i can almost understand his opinion,
anyway.

they looked better when they were bleeding, after all. they always do.
 Chapter 10

XX/XX/XXXX

sex is awful.

i may be the only person in the world who thinks that. i know other people enjoy it. god, i
certainly know mori enjoys it. but i hate it. i hate it when it hurts, and i hate it even more
when it feels good. it's awful, awful, awful, and it always has been.

it hurt most of all that first time, of course. it hurt for days after, so much i couldn't even stand
up. i wasn't too surprised by that. i may not have known what he'd done, but i'd seen the
blood and i'd felt the pain. i knew he'd injured me somehow. i just didn't understand how or
why.

it didn't take me long to find out, of course. a little bit of cursory research was all it took
before i found a description that perfectly matched what he'd done.

i learned a lot that day. sex, sexuality, the things i might have once known but forgotten. i
learned some useful new words, too. 'rape' was one of them. apparently that was the precise
thing that mori did to me. it wasn't just sex, it was rape. i'd begged him to stop, so he knew
exactly what he was really doing. he was forcing me to have sex with him, and he knew it.

i also learned the word 'pedophile'. that was what they called people who wanted to have sex
with children. apparently i was too old for mori to fall under that category, but too young for
it to be acceptable, either. his attraction to me wasn't normal. it was bad. adults shouldn't even
want to do those things with people my age, much less act on those desires.

whether he counted as a pedophile or not, mori was still a sick old man who had brutally
raped me and was clearly going to do it again. reading about those things just made me feel
more and more disgusted, and scared. i didn't want to have sex with him again. i didn't want
him to touch me. i wanted to run away. i wanted to run, but where would i go? i didn't even
know my own name. i had nowhere to run to. i had no one in the world who would care.

no one, except mori.

mori, who had given me a name. mori, who had spent what seemed an unreasonable amount
of money just to get me some nice clothes. mori, who had called me brilliant.

mori, who had forced me to watch as he committed murder. mori, who had raped me even as
i screamed for him to stop.

i didn't know what to do, so i did nothing. it wasn't as if i had any better options. at least with
mori i had food and clothing and a roof over my head. if i left, i knew i would have none of
that, and there was no guarantee that i wouldn't end up finding someone who was no
different. maybe they would be even less kind. because mori was kind to me, i told myself. he
was hurting me, but he was also taking care of me. who else would bother to do that?
when i sliced my arms and legs open on his bathroom floor, he took care of me. not yet, he
said. i still need more from you. but he promised, he promised me that when the time was
right, he would show me a way to leave this painful world for good, and i believed him.

i believed him, so i stayed.

at least with mori, i would be able to die.

he didn't show me any such thing, of course. no, instead he turned me into a living doll. from
the day he killed the former boss to the day he sent me to investigate the rumors of his
reappearance, my life was nothing but painful. i spent that year trying fruitlessly to kill
myself whenever i wasn't being subjected to his desires. i ended it with my head stuffed full
of books i didn't care about and my body covered in scars left both by him and by myself.

cruelly enough, having sex with him was the most alive i ever felt. it was hard and painful
and it always left me covered in bruises and sometimes even bleeding. it filled me with
adrenaline born of pure terror, and the rush of emotion was so sharp and bright in comparison
to my normal feelings of emptiness that for those brief moments i could almost believe i was
a human being. for so long, mori was the only person who could make me feel like anything
other than a walking corpse. it took meeting odasaku to make me realize that there were ways
to feel like that that didn't involve mori's touch. that i didn't have to essentially use sex as a
new form of self-harm just to feel something. that i could feel something better than what
mori showed me, and it didn't have to involve anyone touching me at all.

that night, wrapped in blankets and drinking hot chocolate while some old movie played on
the television, was the happiest night of my life so far. sleeping in a warm and comfortable
bed by myself, without mori lying next to me, knowing that odasaku, a truly kind person, was
just in the other room... that night, i learned the feeling of safety.

he was the only person i felt safe with. there was no one else. i didn't know who would touch
me, who would hurt me. i didn't know, even though i was supposed to be smart. mori told me
that. he told me i was a budding genius, and he taught me all sorts of things about strategy
and warfare, but he still treated me like a puppet. every part of me was just there for his use,
and the mind he was sharpening was no different. at least that told me i was more than just a
doll to him. even though it didn't keep his hands off of me, somehow that knowledge made
me feel a little bit less like the dirty thing i saw in the mirror. at least there was more to me
than that. i was special, that's what he always said.

special meant i had to live. special meant he made exceptions to his usual tastes.

special, i learned, was not a good thing to be.

small blessings were there. when other degenerates of his type laid eyes on me, he grew
jealous and possessive. admittedly, that would usually lead to another episode of pain, but it
could have been worse. i could always tell when we met with someone who would have been
willing to make a favorable deal for my time, and unlike mori, they wouldn't have cared at all
about my mind. his tendencies were in my favor, then-i hate him, but that doesn't mean i'm
not still grateful he didn't decide that my exclusivity was worth less than the things lesser
organizations had to offer. being mori's pet, while awful, is still preferable to being bought
and sold like just another of the port mafia's many assets. at least this way i have some
stability, some semblance of control, of power.

i don't, not really. i've never had any power when it comes to mori, but is it so wrong if i want
to pretend that i do? it's not always possible, of course. he likes turning me into a scared,
helpless child, even as he touches me like i'm an adult-especially then-but when i can... i just
want to pretend that i'm not completely at his mercy.

i'm too used to it. i hate that. i hate that he can't surprise me anymore. i hate that it still feels
like its own kind of torture. it probably is an actual method of torture. i can imagine giving up
secrets if it meant mori wouldn't touch me anymore. i can imagine doing a lot of things, if
mori wouldn't touch me anymore.

but mori is powerful. powerful and terrifying, and i am too afraid of him to rebel.

i wish i was a real demon like they all say i am. then i could kill him. then i could be free.
 Chapter 11

XX/XX/XXXX

i first met odasaku a few months after i met mori. ironically, i met them in the same way.
odasaku pulled me out of a river the same way mori did-maybe all my important meetings
will be heralded by getting pulled out of a river.

everything after that, though... it couldn't be more different.

mori... i don't need to write down what mori did after he found me. i've said enough of it
already. i thought maybe odasaku would be the same. not that he was odasaku to me then-he
was just oda. a mysterious man who had bothered to 'save' me from my own attempted
suicide. i didn't know why. but he wasn't satisfied with that, oh no. no, he took me home with
him. that was when i realized he was going to have sex with me. he said something about
getting out of my wet clothes, and i took that as further proof. but when i tried undressing, he
just looked shocked, and a little appalled.

i remember asking him why. didn't he want to have sex? i think his heart broke a little bit
when i said that. he told me no. he told me that was the last thing he wanted from me. so i
asked what he did want, and he said he didn't want anything. he was just worried about me.
he wanted to get me into some dry clothes and make me some hot chocolate. and he did. he
let me stay the night instead of making me go back to my shipping container.

i didn't understand it then. it felt like i'd met an angel.

i know now, of course, that to odasaku, it wasn't anything special. that's just who he is. he
wants to save everybody. he still wants to save me, i can tell. ah, odasaku. even if you were
an angel, i would still be a demon, a demon in the grasp of one even worse than i. hopelessly
defiled as i am, how could i ever be saved?

maybe someday he'll understand that i was doomed before he even met me.

XX/XX/XXXX

odasaku... my one and only friend. could i tell you what mori does to me? would you
understand? what would you do if you found out?

maybe you'd even break your oath. it's a fantasy, i know, but a pleasant one-a fantasy that i
might matter enough to you for you to give up on your dreams. would you kill mori if you
found out what he did-what he's still doing? and what would happen then?

it doesn't matter, really. i'll never tell you. i don't want you to look at me with pity and i don't
want you to give up on your greatest wish over something as meaningless as this. i won't be
around that much longer anyway, so it really doesn't matter at all.
odasaku, when i die, will you miss me?

XX/XX/XXXX

odasaku picked up his first orphan tonight. aside from me, that is. but she's a lot younger than
i am, and she needs a lot more care. deserves a lot more care. he'll probably be busy with her
for a while.

he's wanted to do something like this for a long time. he told me that once, while we were
both mildly drunk. to take care of an orphan the way no one ever took care of him. maybe
that's why he still sticks around, despite everything. i wish i could know for certain.

either way, i doubt we'll be seeing each other much for some time.

the war stopped tonight as well. the dragon's head conflict, they call it. i haven't written about
it because it doesn't really matter to me. but chuuya and i took down an entire enemy
organization, and then he used corruption... that ended the whole thing in a flash.

corruption is surprisingly beautiful, for something so deadly.

would he use it on mori, if i asked him to?

no. i know he wouldn't. he's loyal to mori, not to me. besides, he'd think i was asking for it. i
probably am. no, i definitely am.

guess i'll be heading to lupin by myself tonight.

 Chapter 12

XX/XX/XXXX

chuuya and i have a new nickname. 'double black.' the most feared rivalry in yokohama.

i think it's kind of cute.

XX/XX/XXXX

odasaku and i made a new friend today. his name is sakaguchi ango. he's very uptight. i think
we can change that if we try.

XX/XX/XXXX

mori doesn't like me being friends with odasaku and ango. i thought i was keeping it under
wraps. he doesn't usually come to my shipping container, and that's where i keep this, so i
doubt he's been reading it. that's good, at least. he knows how i think anyway, so censoring it
would hardly help, but i just don't want him to read any of this. it would be nice if there was
one part of me i could keep to myself.

that's a pretty stupid thought, though. there's nothing that really belongs to me. i know that.
mori has owned me since the day he pulled me out of that river and i imagine he will own me
until one of us dies. hopefully it'll be me. i really don't feel like sticking around.

XX/XX/XXXX

i'm an executive now. how nice.

mori's version of congratulating me on my promotion wasn't surprising. the fact that odasaku
and ango wanted to take me out for drinks that night, that was a little bit surprising. chuuya
throwing a roll of bandages at my head like it was some sort of promotion gift? that was very
surprising. he hates my bandages. he's always asking what i hide underneath them. he'll never
know, of course. i'll never tell him about the scars.

there are so many scars. the one from my fight with the supposed former boss, the ones from
other battles, the ones i've left, the ones mori's left. the one on the back of my right shoulder
still aches. i don't know if it hasn't healed fully or if it's psychosomatic. i'm not going to ask
mori to take a look at it. he probably likes his own handiwork too much to do anything to fix
it, even if something is wrong.
i hate that scar the most out of all of them. i hate what it represents. but the point of a scar is
that it doesn't go away. that's why he did it, after all. so i could never forget.

in other news, i have an apprentice now. his name is akutagawa. he has an ability that could
be very useful, if he can learn to use it properly. we'll see.

XX/XX/XXXX

chuuya cut me down again today. i wish he would stop.

XX/XX/XXXX

there are rumors swirling of a russian. fyodor. they call him the demon of the north. would
that make mori the demon of the east? and i his demon prodigy.

i wonder what fyodor is like. is he like mori, or like me? is there even a difference between
the two?

well, there's one major difference. i'm not interested in sex, particularly not with people half
my age. the thought disgusts me. so there is one limit i have that mori does not. i wonder if
that's the only thing about us that's different. are we the same at our core? is all of this some
sort of karma for my own demonic nature?

i suppose i'll never know.

 Chapter 13

XX/XX/XXXX

akutagawa is useless. i don't know what to do with him. he's like a rabid dog, clawing and
biting at everything and everyone without a single thought. it's unbelievable. mori threatened
to take over his training if i can't get him in line. is it pragmatism, or something worse? i need
to step things up. i've been too nice. from now on i'll quit going easy on him just because he's
a kid.

does this mean i'm turning into mori?

XX/XX/XXXX

i'm not supposed to tell anyone. mori told me not to tell anyone. he said he would hurt me if i
told anyone. or he'd hurt them. or both. i can't tell chuuya. i can't tell odasaku. i can't tell
ango. i can't tell i can't tell i can't tell. no one will help me. no one can help me.

i hate this.

XX/XX/XXXX

odasaku, odasaku, odasaku. would you break your oath for me? would you kill mori if you
knew what he did? would you save me?

don't worry, mori, if you really are reading this. i haven't told anyone and i never will.

XX/XX/XXXX

akutagawa's little sister, gin, has been assigned to paul verlaine for training. that's probably a
good thing. verlaine is far from the best person i know, but he'll probably keep her away from
mori. he doesn't like people who get in his way.

that's one other person i don't have to keep track of. good. i'm tired of worrying about this.
i'm tired of worrying about anything.

XX/XX/XXXX

i wonder if i'm really alive at all. did i die that day when i jumped into the river? did i die
when mori pulled me out of it? did i die that night?
i want to see odasaku. i want to see chuuya. i want to see someone, anyone, but i can't.

why am i even writing in this? it's not helping at all.

XX/XX/XXXX

i'm tired of all of this.

 Chapter 14

XX/XX/XXXX

akutagawa isn't getting any better. he's obsessed with me now, which i suppose could be
useful, but it's also such a hassle. all he knows how to do is fight and kill. there's so much
more he could be doing, but he insists on proving his strength. my idea of training up a new
double black is falling apart before it's even really started. because yokohama will need a new
double black soon enough. i'm not going to be around that much longer, after all. any day
now.

i couldn't care less what happens to this city on its own, but it's the place odasaku and chuuya
both love. someone needs to protect it.

XX/XX/XXXX

chuuya, chuuya, chuuya, chuuya. always so bright. so fiery. you're nothing like me. i wish i
could be more like you. you're happy, aren't you? not always, but most of the time you're
satisfied with your lot in life. you aren't desperately searching for meaning like i am.

not that i'm searching so much these days. i think i've gotten used to the idea that i'm never
going to find it.

i think you've aged outside of mori's interests. i wonder when i will. if i ever will. maybe i'm
just special. i really don't like being special.

XX/XX/XXXX

torturing people has become routine now. it just doesn't matter to me anymore. did it ever? i
know i've never really enjoyed it, not the way mori does. why am i not dead yet? i should be
dead by now.

XX/XX/XXXX

i live only to die. i live for the sake of death itself. i starve myself, cut myself, do anything i
can to increase the approach of death, and it doesn't work. mori won't let me die. chuuya
won't let me die. odasaku won't let me die. i wish i could die. i wish i could just keel over and
die on the spot. i wish someone would kill me. i wish i wish i wish.

it's winter. my shipping container always feels cold. cold, like me. if i died here, would
anyone ever bother to look for me?
XX/XX/XXXX

sorry, odasaku. i really don't feel like writing in here anymore.

 Chapter 15

XX/XX/XXXX

it's been a long time since i've written in this. i'm eighteen years old now. that doesn't even
feel important compared to everything else.

odasaku is dead.

mori killed him. ango killed him. gide killed him. all of them, it's their fault. mori's most of
all. how could he think odasaku was expendable? it's a strategic error on his part. there are
countless people more expendable than odasaku. his ability alone is worth at least a hundred
men. i wonder if it's my fault. did mori dislike us being friends that much? could that have
been the tipping point? there were countless ways to reach a checkmate here. but odasaku
was the sacrificed queen. why?

i'm leaving the mafia. it's what he wanted. he told me to become a good man. can i be a good
man? i don't know. but i'm going to try. for odasaku.

i left a bomb under chuuya's car. that should convince mori that he had nothing to do with my
disappearance.

i'm burning mori's coat. i don't want to see it ever again, much less wear it. and if i'm leaving
the mafia, that means i don't have to.

i'll have to buy new clothes. i've never picked out my own clothes before, at least not that i
can remember. i'm thinking lighter colors will be nice. maybe a new coat. like odasaku's.

i'll take this with me. i'll start writing in it again. it's what odasaku wanted.

i can still feel his blood on my hands.

i'm sorry, odasaku. i'm so sorry.

XX/XX/XXXX

there's a job opening for me. i have to go off the grid for a while, though. maybe i'll go to
russia, investigate those claims of the demon of the north. if he's that bad, i'll make plans
against him. odasaku wanted me to save people, so that's what i'll do.

am i doing the right thing? how can i tell if i am? i'll just do what odasaku wanted. that has to
be enough.

XX/XX/XXXX
i arrived in russia today. there was a man waiting for me at the airport.

for a moment, i was terrified. my blood ran cold, colder than usual.

he looked exactly like mori.

he was dressed differently than mori's typical choice of outfits, but aside from that he looked
so similar. it was all i could think about.

then he greeted me, and i felt better. he spoke fluent japanese, but with a distinct russian
accent. it was enough of a difference to remind me that i wasn't looking at mori.

he introduced himself as fyodor dostoevsky. he knew who i was, and he knew that i had come
looking for him. he's definitely intelligent. i got the feeling he already knew all there was to
know about me, all that was on public record and a bit more besides.

maybe i've finally found someone who can truly understand me. someone who isn't mori.

XX/XX/XXXX

fyodor is letting me stay with him. it's surprisingly generous, but he said he needs to keep an
eye on me. that's probably a wise decision. i am already planning against him, after all. i
figured out what his own plans are. he wants to rid the world of special abilities, and for that
he needs the rumored book-the reality-altering novel so sought after by those with twisted
ideas for this world.

there's a lot to be said about fyodor's plans, but one thing is for sure-if i'm going to fulfill
odasaku's wishes, i have to stop them.

XX/XX/XXXX

today marks the first time i've had sex with someone other than mori. it was interesting.
fyodor isn't gentle, but it didn't hurt as much as it did with mori. maybe because i actually
sort of wanted it this time. at least i wanted to try it. i don't know if his resemblance to mori
affected my decision. maybe i'm just falling back into old patterns, or maybe it's something
new.

he noticed the scar on my back. 'a forest?' he asked. 'what an unusually shaped scar.' then he
paused, and made a sound of understanding. 'i see. so that's how it is...' that was the only
comment he made. i was relieved by that, and by his quick understanding. i really didn't want
to talk about it. i don't want to write about it, either. if anyone reads this after i'm dead, they
will simply have to come to their own conclusions. not that i'd consider it difficult, at least
not if you have a working knowledge of kanji.

anyway, aside from that, i can't say i didn't enjoy the experience. it made me feel alive.
XX/XX/XXXX

fyodor really is a fascinating character. our chess games usually end in stalemates, which is
rare. i could usually even beat mori. not that he was a particularly good loser. fyodor is on my
level in every way, and i like that. it keeps me busy. i imagine these two years will pass
quickly.
 Chapter 16

XX/XX/XXXX

russia is cold. cold, cold, cold. i fit in perfectly here.

fyodor and i have come to a satisfying arrangement. i stay with him in return for alleviating
his boredom. mentally or physically, whichever we're in the mood for at the moment. that
works out fine for me, since he alleviates mine as well. we don't fit together quite so nicely as
chuuya and i always did, but we understand each other. there's no one quite like him. it's like
talking into a mirror-a very fucked up mirror.

it's a good thing i made that promise to odasaku. if fyodor and i truly worked together, i do
believe the world would burn.

XX/XX/XXXX

here's the thing about fyodor: he can be surprisingly kind if you catch him in the right mood.
admittedly that mood is extremely rare, but it happens on occasion, and i'm not one to avoid
taking advantage of a good deal.

the mood is apparently triggered mostly by a colleague of his. nikolai. dealing with him
seems to make fyodor strangely cheerful. as cheerful as he's capable of, anyway. i wonder if
that's where he goes on his little business trips. then again, maybe they really are for business.
he could just be in yokohama, spinning his web.

yokohama... i miss it a little. i wonder how chuuya is doing. i wonder if he's okay.

XX/XX/XXXX

turns out fyodor really does go to yokohama. i asked him if he'd heard anything about chuuya
while he was there, and he just laughed. 'dazai, dear,' he said, 'you already gave up any claim
to concern for him you had.' i don't think that's true-i did take measures to try and protect
him. but maybe it is. i did essentially choose odasaku over him, didn't i?

if i'd asked him to come with me, he would have said no. i'm certain of that. but part of me
wishes i had anyway.

XX/XX/XXXX

i never thought sex could actually help me, but it does. it's not like it was with mori. for one
thing, i actually have a choice, and i'm choosing to do it. it's odd having a say in what
happens to my body, in what someone does to it, but i find myself appreciating it. and on top
of that, it makes my mind go quiet for a while, lets me focus on something other than my
own thoughts. fyodor is good at doing that, at pulling me out of my own head. i think it's
because our minds work so similarly. he knows what keeps me engaged. it's good even when
it hurts. i probably deserve the pain anyway.

XX/XX/XXXX

fyodor doesn't actually go out all that much. he tells me i'm welcome to join him when he
does, but i don't want to. most of the time i just want to sleep. when i'm awake i think about
things. i think about odasaku. i think about his blood on my hands. i think about how i failed
to save him. i don't like being awake.

i wonder if mori will ever feel guilty like i do. probably not. i'm not sure he's capable of guilt.
i thought i wasn't either, not proper guilt at least. small twinges of it on occasion, maybe, but
nothing serious. until odasaku died.

some days that's all that's left. guilt. i wake up and i feel guilty. i try to eat and i can't because
the guilt makes me sick. i try to play chess with fyodor and i can't because the guilt fogs up
my brain. even the sex can't make my mind go blank enough to forget-all i can think about is
how awful i am for doing this, for chasing any sort of good feeling, when i don't deserve to
have it because odasaku is dead. i go to bed and i spend hours lying awake feeling guilty.
some days all there is is pain and guilt and grief and i didn't know i could feel things this
strongly but now i do and it hurts more than anything. it's like odasaku pulled a shield down
from around my heart and now everything is too strong.

it hurts, odasaku. it really, really hurts.

 Chapter 17

XX/XX/XXXX

fyodor and i are getting along excellently. we debate, we play games, we have sex, anything
and everything that lets us get lost in the euphoria of someone finally looking at us and
knowing exactly what we're thinking. i can tell he's enjoying it as much as i am, when i'm in
the mood to enjoy things.

he asked me the other day why i left the port mafia. wanted to know if it was because of
mori. he guessed easily enough the sorts of things that mori did to me. i told him it was. i
think he knew i was lying. that's fine. i don't care if he knows that i'm lying. i just don't want
to talk about odasaku.

XX/XX/XXXX

i know you're reading this, fyodor. are you enjoying the story? you really are twisted, looking
into someone's diary like this. not that i'd expect anything else from you.

XX/XX/XXXX

i miss chuuya. you want me to admit it? there it is. i do miss him. he's the only other person
i've felt this in-tune with. he might not understand me the exact same way that you do, but
after how long we've known each other, we can work perfectly in sync.

no, i never did have the courage to tell him what mori was doing. and he never did figure it
out. i never wanted him to. if he did get angry about it, he might have actually killed mori,
and the power vacuum that would create would be completely unacceptable. and if he didn't...
i wouldn't want to see his reaction.

chuuya and i were partners. we knew each other better than anyone. of course i miss him. and
i hate him. and i wish i could see him again.

i've really lost everything, haven't i?

XX/XX/XXXX

it should have been me. odasaku didn't deserve to die. it should always have been me. i would
have done it for him if he'd asked. i would have done anything for him if he'd asked. why
didn't he ask? why didn't he ever ask me for anything? even at the end?
XX/XX/XXXX

i wonder if anyone misses me. if they wonder where i am. if they wish i would come back.
anyone other than mori, that is. i hope he gives up on me forever. but everyone else... it
would be nice to know that someone still cares.

it's so cold here.

 Chapter 18

XX/XX/XXXX

i'm going back to yokohama today.

maybe i'll check in with chuuya. without letting him know i'm there, of course. i don't want to
risk it.

my new job with the armed detective agency is lined up for me. poor them. once mori finds
out i've joined them there will be hell to pay. but i really want to do this. it's what odasaku
would have wanted.

my flight's here. i'd better hurry.

XX/XX/XXXX

yokohama looks the same as it always did. but it feels different, knowing odasaku is gone.
knowing i'm never going to see him again.

you're not here to see it, but i'll protect this city, odasaku. for you.

XX/XX/XXXX

the armed detective agency is an interesting bunch.

the president seems normal enough, but i know of him. fukuzawa yukichi, the silver wolf.
back in the day he was a partner of sorts with mori. whether or not i can trust him remains to
be seen, but it wouldn't shock me if he has some of the same tendencies as mori. otherwise,
why put up with him?

next up is edogawa ranpo, the agency's main detective. he's said to be gifted with a truly rare
special ability-the ability to see to the heart of things within mere seconds. he certainly saw
through me-i could tell. his eyes opened from the constant squinting (perhaps he's
photosensitive?) as soon as they fell upon me, and for a moment we regarded each other in
silence, reading what we could. after a few moments he closed his eyes again and nodded,
seeming satisfied. i suppose that meant i had received his approval. i'm sure he knew who i
was and what i had done from the beginning.

the agency's doctor, yosano akiko, is... troubling. she resembles mori too much. i know her
name, too. he's spoken of her before, calling her 'my angel of death.' we came to an
understanding quickly enough-we both know the signs of someone who's been under mori's
'tender' care. i have no intention of visiting her infirmary at any point. i think she knows that.
i know she understands it.

the man meant to observe me, kunikida doppo, is what you'd call a crazed idealist. he has
every single task of the day written down in his notebook, with a precise schedule for
everything. i can already tell he's going to be the best target if i want to rile someone up. he's
uptight like ango, but has a temper like chuuya. i feel fairly comfortable around him already.
he's going to be fun. and i can definitely get him to hurt me when i need it.

all in all, this is a pretty fascinating group. i guess eccentric people are welcome here. but
does that include people like me?

i suppose i'll just have to wait and see for myself.

 Chapter 19

XX/XX/XXXX

to drown is such a pleasant idea, isn't it? ethereal, opheliac. poetic. how beautiful it must be.

we saved a woman from drowning today. she clearly did not want to drown, so it is only right
that we saved her. if only i could have taken her place! but alas, it was not to be.

her name is sasaki nobuko. she was chained up in a tank of water and nearly died. i'm letting
her stay with me tonight. no, no, not for anything like that. she is quite beautiful, and i
certainly wouldn't complain if she were to commit a double suicide with me, but that doesn't
mean i have any impure intentions. i'm not the sort of man to take advantage of others like
that. mori's influence wasn't enough to do that to me.

in other news, i found out about kunikida's ideal woman! eight notebook pages, fifteen
categories, and fifty-eight items are what it takes for a list of his requirements in a woman!
how terrifying! such a woman clearly does not exist. (and if she did, i would ask her to
commit suicide with me.)

ah, miss sasaki is calling me. i should go.

XX/XX/XXXX

ranpo's special ability isn't a special ability after all. i touched his hair, and he still completed
his deductions with perfect accuracy. it's all his own mind... what a fascinating person. it
seems kunikida didn't know about it. i wonder if anyone else did?

XX/XX/XXXX

miss sasaki was the azure apostle. she tried to frame me for it, but unfortunately for her,
kunikida saw through the plot. though he did shoot me... but it wasn't with a real gun.
anyway, she's dead now. kunikida blames me for it, but what did he expect me to do? besides,
i'm not the one who shot her. it was that hacker kid he took under his wing, rokuzou. even
though it was my gun.

ahhh, it's been a long few days. living in the light is hard. i'm tired.

odasaku, i'd hate to disappoint you... but am i really cut out for this? kunikida was ready and
willing to believe for a moment that i was really the one behind it all. and it's not as if i'm
incapable of doing something like that. maybe i'm just not meant for this type of life.

you said you knew me better than anyone else... is that really true?
 Chapter 20

XX/XX/XXXX

i have learned the fine art of laughing.

i always knew how to do it, but these days i have to do it more and more. they expect a lot
from me and i don't know what to do about it. in the mafia i could get away with being
empty. not here. here i have to act like a human all the time. so i smile and i laugh and i play
pranks on kunikida and i let him choke the life out of me because it helps me feel more like
the human being i'm pretending to be.

i couldn't laugh when yosano asked me to come in for a routine exam. i couldn't do anything.
i saw her eyes and for a moment i was looking at mori waiting for him to-i don't even know
what. something. anything. whatever it was it would be bad. and all i could do was follow.

she did normal things like taking my blood pressure and it was still terrifying. my hands
shook. i told her it was just a twitch. we both knew that was a lie.

she took off her hairpin and let me hold it for the rest of the exam. it was cold no matter how
long i held it. that helped a little bit. feeling the grooves in the metal reminded me of where i
was.

she's definitely nicer than mori, that's for sure. mori wouldn't have cared how i felt. he would
have just told me to get over myself and stop being such a child.

i told her that and she just looked sad.

XX/XX/XXXX

i messed up an assignment today.

i didn't even hear kunikida yelling at me as we went back to the agency. i couldn't. all i could
think of was how utterly doomed i was. mori-no, not mori, not anymore-fukuzawa surely
wouldn't like me screwing up like this. people died because i messed up. that's anathema to
the mission of the agency. i would have to learn a lesson.

i could already feel myself going numb as i went into fukuzawa's office. i don't remember
what he said. i don't remember what i said. i just remember waiting, the entire time, for him
to pull me into an adjoining room. for him to send me to yosano and have her play doctor. for
something awful.

i remember stumbling out of the office afterwards not understanding why i wasn't in any
pain. i remember ranpo looking at me with a knowing expression and yosano looking sad
again. i remember kunikida just yelling at me more, not seeming to really understand what
was going on. at least one person still has no idea what i am.

i don't belong here, odasaku. i don't belong in the light. i'm supposed to be the demon
prodigy, mori's doll... something twisted and evil.

why won't they just hurt me the way i deserve?

 Chapter 21

XX/XX/XXXX

yosano keeps trying to talk to me. i don't want to talk to her. she makes me feel strange. she's
sadistic with everyone else, but she tones it down with me. it makes me feel a little pathetic.
like i need to be treated gently, like i'm a child. i want to tell her how little it matters, that she
can do whatever she wants, that i don't mind. i do mind, but no one cares about little things
like that. mori never did. why should anyone else?

she tried taking me out to drink too, but even that hurt. going out to drink with someone made
me think of odasaku. the way she talked about wine made me think of chuuya. and seeing her
actually drinking it...

it's like there's no winning. everything reminds me of the past, no matter how hard i try to
forget.

i miss odasaku. i miss chuuya.

part of me even misses mori.

XX/XX/XXXX

i feel so empty. i don't know what to do with myself. i don't want to go back, but it's also the
only thing i do want. i don't ever want to see mori again but at least with him i know what i'm
supposed to do. i know what i am. i'm a doll. mori's doll. and it's strange having gone two
years without him putting a hand on me. i don't know what to do about it. it feels too weird
and i don't like it and i just want it all to stop.

i need more time, i think.

XX/XX/XXXX

i visited odasaku's grave today.

i miss him so much.

XX/XX/XXXX

sometimes i wonder what kunikida would think if he found out about me. an ex-port mafia
executive? not ideal. someone who's been consistently having sex since he was at least
fourteen? not ideal. the demon prodigy, beloved doll of the port mafia boss himself?
definitely not ideal. he'd probably refuse to ever speak to me again. not like i could blame
him.

i sure hope ranpo isn't a gossip. i'm sure he's already figured everything out. yosano has
guessed some too. but kunikida doesn't know anything, and he's the one most likely to react
horribly.

as usual, i have to keep countless secrets. at least i'm used to that. i know what would happen
if the truth became widely known, after all.

being dead really does sound so much easier.

 Chapter 22

XX/XX/XXXX

ranpo took me down to the cafe today.

'we have to talk.' that was the only thing he said. talk about ominous. i don't know what he
expected. he demanded that i buy two hot chocolates and two slices of cake, one for him and
one for me. i got them, but i'd already decided that i'd just let him have it all. he seemed to
expect that. he always seems to expect everything. he reminds me a bit of fyodor and a bit of
myself, but while ranpo is no angel, he's certainly not a demon like us either. he's very
human. it makes me a little jealous.

'talk to yosano,' he said, through a mouthful of cheesecake. 'it's annoying watching you dance
around each other when you both know what's going on.' he pointed his fork at me and
glared. 'you're not judging her so why are you convinced that she's gonna judge you? don't
answer that. you're both acting like you're dealing with mori but you're not.'

easy for him to say. i could tell from how he talked about it that he hadn't had to live with
mori. he didn't know what it was like. he could say whatever he wanted, because at the end of
the day, he didn't really know anything about it.

'of course,' i replied, smiling. 'i know that! dr. yosano is obviously not mori. you don't have to
tell me things like that.'

he frowned. 'you're not fooling me.'

'you don't know everything,' i told him, and it came out meaner than i intended. he didn't
seem to care.

'do what you want,' he finally said with a sigh. 'i can't make you talk to her. but you're stupid
if you think ignoring my advice is a good idea.'

i smiled again, and it felt like the demon prodigy's smile-cracked, hideous, and empty. 'of
course.'

XX/XX/XXXX

i did try to talk to yosano. at least i tried to try. it didn't work. we just ended up staring at each
other for several minutes before she went back into the infirmary and i went back to not
doing my paperwork.

'you and dr. yosano don't seem to get along,' kunikida observed, apparently tired of scolding
me for slacking off. 'one should endeavor to work well with one's coworkers.'
'we work just fine together!' i chirped. 'kunikida worries too much.'

he didn't respond. i think he really was just tired of dealing with me. not that i can blame him.
i'm tired of dealing with myself.

XX/XX/XXXX

we acquired new members today. the tanizaki siblings, junichirou and naomi. junichirou has
an illusion ability that could be very useful. he seems nice enough, but naomi... she's
obsessed with him to a concerning degree. kunikida is enraged by it, saying that it sullies the
agency's good name, but she doesn't seem to care. normally i'd respect people who are willing
to ignore kunikida's rants, but the amount of sexual aggression she displays on a fairly regular
basis isn't something i want to be around. i don't really know what to do about it, though. i
guess i'll just put up with it. i'm good at putting up with things.

XX/XX/XXXX

i wish you were here, odasaku. you were much better suited for the light than i could ever be.
 Chapter 23

XX/XX/XXXX

kunikida is helping train junichirou to fight. he must be very good at it already. i haven't seen
him sporting any new injuries, after all. maybe he's a better pupil than akutagawa, or maybe
kunikida is a better teacher than i could ever be. it's hard to know for certain without
watching them, and i'm not particularly eager to see my own failures thrust in my face like
that.

there's a lot fewer injuries around here than i'd expect. even when people mess up, they come
out of it unscathed. i'd wonder if they're paying for their mistakes in some other way, but
fukuzawa didn't ask me for that either. it's just strange. i don't really know what to do about it.
enjoy the reprieve? wait for the inevitable turnaround? so many options, and none of them
feel quite right.

ah, odasaku. are you proud of me for trying to do this? or are you disappointed that i can't
even manage to seamlessly fit in here the way i could with the port mafia?

XX/XX/XXXX

akutagawa is apparently completely out of control now that i'm gone. today kunikida showed
me a picture of him and told me to watch out for him. i almost laughed, but i managed not to.
would he even attack me? it would be stupid of him to try. i could stop him no matter what
method he used.

he really is just a rabid dog. i should have put him down when we first met. it would have
been kinder to him.

but that's no thought for someone trying to live in the light, is it? ah, i truly am terrible at this.

XX/XX/XXXX

i jumped off a bridge during a case today. kunikida seems to be under the impression that it
was some kind of joke. a stunt just to ruin his carefully planned schedule. how silly. why do
my partners always seem to struggle with the idea that i want to die? it's not as though suicide
is uncommon. maybe they just think i have no reason to be suicidal. i suppose neither chuuya
nor kunikida knew the reasons behind my desire for death. i never told them, after all.

maybe i should apologize to him. that's probably what a good person would do. apologize for
inconveniencing him.
yes, that's what my suicide should be. clean, without inconveniencing anyone. because that's
what a good person would do.
 Chapter 24

XX/XX/XXXX

everyone really does think i'm joking about suicide. sometimes i am. most of the time i'm
perfectly serious. deadly serious, you could say, if you felt like being silly about it. just
because i smile and laugh doesn't mean it's a joke.

ranpo knows, of course. he dragged me down to the cafe again to talk about it. he demanded a
cream cheese danish and another hot chocolate.

'you can try all the methods you like,' he told me. 'i can't stop you. but don't drag yosano into
it.' his eyes were fully open for once. 'no pills, no scalpels, nothing from her office.' he took a
bite of his danish.

'don't worry,' i reassured him. 'i've been thinking about it, and i know exactly what to do now!
my suicide won't affect anyone!'

he just stared at me for a long time after that, and then went back to his food.

XX/XX/XXXX

ranpo left a candy on my desk today. he denied it when i asked, but i know it was him. there's
no one else who would have done it. was it meant to cheer me up?

XX/XX/XXXX

we picked up another new member. his name is miyazawa kenji. he comes from a small
farming village and he can only be described as a ray of sunshine.

apparently he's extremely strong, especially when put under pressure. he could be a valuable
asset to the agency, though he's very young... the same age i was when i joined the mafia.

i'm glad he's here and not there.

XX/XX/XXXX

kenji is very sweet. he brought me a plant. i don't know what to do with a plant. i will
probably kill it no matter what i do. but it was a nice gesture all the same.
XX/XX/XXXX

the plant died. sorry, kenji. i can barely keep myself alive, much less a plant.

maybe i'll try the river again.

 Chapter 25

XX/XX/XXXX

i was pulled out of the river again. not by kunikida this time, no, he didn't find me until later.
this time i was pulled out by a young boy. nakajima atsushi.

atsushi has a rather powerful ability. he can transform into a tiger. unfortunately, he can't
control it... at least not yet. i plan to make him a member of the agency. i have other plans as
well.

the tiger, if controlled, could be an excellent close-range combatant. combined with

rashoumon's long-range attacks, it could make for a formidable enemy. maybe the other half
of the new double black has been located at last.

aside from that, he seems like a kind boy. he jumped into a river to rescue a stranger, after all.
and he was really in no shape to do so.

he's an orphan. odasaku would want to help him. odasaku would want me to help him.

i'll find him a home with the agency, and we'll see where things go from there.

are you proud of me, odasaku?

XX/XX/XXXX

atsushi passed his entrance exam with flying colors. he threw himself over a supposed bomb
in a futile effort to protect the agency. what a shining example of a good person! you would
have liked him, odasaku. you would have liked him quite a bit.

XX/XX/XXXX

as usual, no one can guess my former occupation. except ranpo, of course, but he's banned
from participating in such guessing games. atsushi tried (and came up with an entertaining
variety of guesses) but he couldn't do it either. that's probably a good thing. imagine my new
junior finding out i used to be with the port mafia, of all places! he seems to be under the
impression that i'm a good person. what a shock that realization would be!

he really is a sweet kid. he doesn't seem to hold any grudges over the exam. why, when i was
his age, i might have shot someone for pulling a trick like that. then again, i wouldn't have
put my life at risk for others in the first place. i'd have done it entirely for selfish reasons. to
die, and to deprive mori of his precious prodigy. two birds with one stone, as they say.
he should fit in well here. he's a very likable person, after all. his innocence is charming,
especially considering all he's been through. truly a good person at his core, to have seen so
much darkness and still easily live in the light. ah, i'm jealous! how nice would it be if i could
live like that? unfortunately i'm far too cynical to be even remotely similar to him. mori's
influence is too strong to be shaken off so easily. but if it could... if i could live like that,
would i really find a life worth living? even now, i'm so tired... i wish i could just sleep
forever. maybe my world is a little bit more beautiful, but that doesn't make me any less tired
of seeing it... how long until i've done enough?

odasaku, are you waiting for me?

 Chapter 26

XX/XX/XXXX

atsushi met akutagawa today.

there was something suspicious about the woman who came to us asking for help, so i put a
microphone on her. it's a good thing i did, too. she was a member of the port mafia, and she
led atsushi and the tanizaki siblings into a trap. they nearly died. yosano has fixed them up,
but it was a very close call. akutagawa is as vicious and unrestrained as ever, i see. i had to go
in and stop them from fighting. i got outed in the process, too... what a hassle. so now atsushi
knows that i'm ex-mafia.

'are you really from the port mafia?' he asked. 'but a kind person like you...' ah, how naïve.
i'm not kind, atsushi. i'm a selfish, cruel person who wouldn't hesitate to torture or kill if i was
ordered to. only odasaku's word keeps me in the light... i'm not kind at all.

'it's true,' i told him. i left out the rest. he doesn't need to know the story of the demon
prodigy.

i hope that he doesn't run into any other mafia members. for his sake, and for mine.

XX/XX/XXXX

i was enjoying the river when i got caught in a net! ranpo's latest case ended up with me
involved by sheer coincidence. how funny is that?

i got to compare our skills again, so that was entertaining. he really is on an entirely different
level from the rest of us. the one area he doesn't match fyodor and i in is ruthlessness. that'll
be a problem if he ever has to go up against the demon. but that's what i'm here for.

XX/XX/XXXX

atsushi brought me flowers today. what??????????

XX/XX/XXXX

it wasn't a dream. atsushi actually did bring me flowers. huh?????????????

XX/XX/XXXX
i struggle to believe that that actually happened. what the hell?????????????????????

XX/XX/XXXX

he said it was for everything i've done for him. i haven't done that much, atsushi. i haven't
done much at all.
 Chapter 27

XX/XX/XXXX

i met chuuya again today.

should i go in order? i allowed myself to be taken in by izumi kyouka, a young assassin. she,
too, is the same age i was when i joined the mafia. i was chained up and left alone, until
akutagawa came in. he knocked me around a little bit, no doubt angry that i had abandoned
him. then he threatened the agency. what else could i tell him? 'my new apprentice is superior
to you in every way imaginable.'

it infuriated him, of course. i didn't expect anything else. he beat me a bit more, then
vanished. it wasn't much, really. i've been through a lot worse, and anyway, that's not the
important part.

i waited in silence for a while after he was gone. then i heard it.

'plotting as usual, are we?' that familiar voice. that voice i hadn't heard in four long years.
'well, this sure is a wonderful sight... rivals a billion-dollar masterpiece.' wasn't that my line,
chuuya? seeing you again after so long... i haven't forgiven you, but i did miss you, all the
same. my headstrong, eternally-shining partner. you haven't changed a bit.

chuuya, i still hate you for the things you said to me. but i could never truly hate you. if i
truly hated you, you would have been dead by now. i would have abandoned you during
corruption and taken the beating afterward. so seeing you again... it made me a little happy.

i hope mori didn't take his frustrations over my disappearance out on you. that would be the
exact opposite of what i wanted. i never wanted you to know the kind of man he truly was,
after all. i still don't. even if you would have thought i deserved it... you might not be wrong.
but you don't. you could never have deserved the things he did to me. so i truly hope you
were spared from all of that. i want nothing more.

XX/XX/XXXX

i'm still reeling over seeing chuuya again. it had been so, so long, and then there he was. just
as vibrant and fiery as ever. and it was like things just slid right back into place, as if they'd
never changed at all. we argued, i made fun of his height, he beat the shit out of me, it was
just like it always had been. i haven't had that much fun in so long. how delightful it was. i
even played a little joke on him just like i used to! and his reactions were so fun, too. i got
him to act all silly like i haven't seen in years. he seemed furious, but he did still go along
with it! we're on the same page again, just like we always were.

chuuya... i'm glad.

 Chapter 28

XX/XX/XXXX

apparently the guild is responsible for the bounty on atsushi's head. an urban legend come to
life... how troublesome. with their resources, we'll have a hard time fighting them. but i'm
sure if ranpo and i put our heads together, we'll come up with something. it's like mori always
used to say. there's always an optimal solution.

damn, i can really still hear his voice in my head... four years and it hasn't changed a bit.
always hearing him, always thinking of him, always seeing him behind me in the mirror. that
smile as familiar as my own, those hands on my shoulders like they always used to be, that
voice in my ear. it never gets any better. i wish i could simply wash the memory of him and
his words and his touch all away the way one washes dirt off of their body. but it isn't that
simple. i doubt it will ever be that simple.

that's not the point, though... why must he always sidetrack me? the point is that the guild is
our newest enemy. and i'm going to do whatever i can to stop them.

kyouka is with the agency now, too. i'll have to think of a way to get her out from under the
gaze of the military police. ah, busy, busy, busy.

saving the orphans, one at a time. that's what you'd want me to do, isn't it, odasaku?

XX/XX/XXXX

atsushi met mori today.

he doesn't know who mori is, at least not yet. but i knew the moment i heard his description.
he was in his guise as a 'simple doctor,' but it was definitely, 100% mori. he talked of game
theory and elise. it couldn't have been anyone else. thank god atsushi got out unscathed. thank
god.

to think i almost failed without even knowing there was a risk.

i'm sorry, atsushi. to think you were warned about akutagawa but not about mori. sure, mori
is less likely to kill you... but i know how little that means.

i'm really a failure as a mentor, aren't i? all i know how to do is hurt people, not protect them.
all i can do is manipulate from behind the scenes. i can't even keep mori away from my own
apprentices. i can't do anything, when it comes to mori. i'm weak. i'm helpless. leaving the
mafia was near-impossible for me, and nothing has changed. nothing at all.

sorry, odasaku. in the end, i guess i'm still under his thumb.
i'm so pathetic.
 Chapter 29

XX/XX/XXXX

who am i?

dazai osamu. who is that?

am i still the demon prodigy, mori's little doll? will i always be?

i want to live in the light. odasaku, you told me to live in the light. i want to do what you
wanted, the only thing you ever asked me for. you never asked me for anything until you
asked me to leave the mafia. how could i not do it? i want to do it. but i don't know if i can.

maybe at my core i'm still the same as always, just with a new, pretty face painted on. the
face of a good person plastered over the evil that still festers in my soul--if i even have one.

can people ever really change?

can i?

perhaps it's like kouyou used to say. a flower that blooms in darkness can only be at peace
within the darkness.

but i don't believe i ever bloomed to begin with.

XX/XX/XXXX

kouyou is a prisoner with us now. she really is concerned for little kyouka... 'ah, well,' i told
her, 'i left the mafia and i'm doing just fine.' she reminded me how many people want me
dead. true enough. but i'm still better off here than i was with the mafia. i'm away from mori
as long as i'm here. i'm not foolish enough to believe that anyone would protect me if i were
really in trouble, but i'm away from mori, and that's what matters the most.

XX/XX/XXXX

we had to go into hiding. it only makes sense, since we're facing both the mafia and the guild
at the same time. but it is annoying. it's been a while since i had to do something like this... it
puts me on edge. i don't like it.

'you and ranpo will be our strategists,' fukuzawa told me. 'with ranpo's ability and your
knowledge of mori's tactics, i'm sure you'll come up with a valuable plan.' yes, of course.
that's my greatest use, right now. i know mori so well, after all. it's only natural to use me in
such a manner, but being associated with him still leaves a bad taste in my mouth. how
unpleasant. i really don't like thinking about him at all... but i have to do my job, don't i?
since the president was kind enough to take me in, even though i'm sure ranpo told him
everything... it's only right that i help, whether i want to or not.

besides, i have to take care of atsushi. just like odasaku said.

 Chapter 30

XX/XX/XXXX

mori released q today.

i never thought he would do something so reckless. the living embodiment of logic, that's
what i'd told atsushi-and then he went and let q out of their confinement. as if countless
people hadn't died just to put them there in the first place!

i've never written about q. there are multiple reasons for that. first, i simply don't want to.
second, i despise q. i despise their disgusting ability, i despise their behavior, and most of all,
i despise their accursed luck.

most people wouldn't think q is lucky. but i do. why? because unless someone is specifically
out to cause calamity, q can never be harmed.

they were under mori's care just like i was. and they were far younger than i was. but mori
never laid a hand on them. not once.

i shouldn't hate them for that. i know it's not their fault that i had to suffer. but i do.

q wants me to suffer for locking them up. what would they know about my suffering?

i, too, wish to curse the world at times... but q's ability is indiscriminate. and today, it targeted
atsushi. i had to snap him out of it by hitting him. odasaku probably wouldn't like that. but
odasaku isn't here. i can never forget that fact. odasaku isn't here to tell me what he wants me
to do. all i can do is try. so maybe i failed today.

i told him not to pity himself. it'd turn his life into a nightmare. i should know. i hope he takes
my advice to heart. he hasn't done anything wrong. he doesn't deserve to suffer.

not like i do.

XX/XX/XXXX

i met ango again today.

i haven't spoken to him since i left the mafia. i wouldn't be speaking to him now if i really
had a choice. but he's the easiest government agent to drag into this, given his lingering sense
of guilt. he still feels bad for causing odasaku's death. good. i hope oda's ghost haunts him for
the rest of his life just like it haunts me.

we got in a little crash. i made sure he'd take the brunt of it. that way he owes us for yosano's
healing powers. i'm sure he knows exactly what i did... and i'm sure he won't do anything
about it, either. i know my 'friend.'
XX/XX/XXXX

q unleashed hell on yokohama today. only atsushi's bravery stopped it. what an astonishing
move from someone who has no reason to care for this city. he's suffered so much, and yet
he's kind and selfless. how beautiful.

but he had an idea afterwards. i have to listen to him, because he's been targeted by them
relentlessly, and it's not a bad idea at all... but the idea makes me shiver. i don't mind finding
allies at all, but this... i'd really rather not ally with the port mafia. i'd rather not get into
contact with mori. but as the one with the strongest ties to the mafia, it only makes sense that
i'd be the one chosen to negotiate for the meeting.

i'm going to have a hard time getting out of bed tomorrow.

 Chapter 31

XX/XX/XXXX

i remember the day mori killed the old boss so well. it's the first day i can remember, after all.
and it was a day of many firsts.

i remember the look on his face when he told me i was his witness. i remember the look on
his face when he came to my room that night. i remember the look on his face during
everything after that. it's all burned into my mind forever. and soon i'll have to see his face
again.

it was so hard to do anything today. even writing this is a chore-eating was a chore. it was
hard enough just to breathe.

kunikida knows i was in the mafia now. he doesn't know of my nature as the demon prodigy
yet, but i think he's had to process enough as it is. maybe i'll tell him some other time.

XX/XX/XXXX

i saw mori again today. he smiled at me. if i'd eaten i would have thrown up. he wanted to
know if i still wore the coat he bought me. what did he expect?! of course i don't wear it
anymore. does he think i feel anything for him but hate?

he invited me back to the mafia, too, and acted all innocent. i wanted to punch him. i wanted
to do worse than that. instead i just exposed the truth about what happened to the former
boss. i doubt it'll do anything, really, and that's probably good-a power vacuum at this point
would cause disaster-but at the same time, i almost wish someone would take revenge for his
predecessor.

i'll be going to get q tonight. if my predictions are correct (and they always are) then i'll be
receiving company. we'll see how it goes.
 Chapter 32

XX/XX/XXXX

just like i thought, mori sent chuuya to help me out. resurrecting double black for the night as
a first strike against the guild was too good an opportunity to pass up. i make a big deal out of
how i can read all chuuya's moves before he makes them, but mori's pretty predictable
himself, when he isn't doing incredibly stupid things like releasing q. hence why we're all in
this mess.

we freed q, of course. i would have liked to kill them, but they're still needed as life
insurance.

that, and odasaku wouldn't want me to do something like that. i have to do what odasaku
would want. that's the only way to become a good man like he asked me to. a good man
wouldn't kill a child over something they couldn't control.

of course, a good man also wouldn't hate that child. it seems i still have a long way to go.

back to chuuya, though. it was fun! we were sniping back and forth at each other just like
always. i love riling him up, it's so easy and he always gets so mad. he tried to kick me after i
insulted his fashion sense, but he missed, of course. like i said before, i can read all his
moves. i know him as much as i know myself-maybe even more than that. he's my exact
opposite, but maybe that's why we work so well together.

speaking of working well together, we had to take down lovecraft. i don't know who or what
that thing really is, but he's no human being, that's for sure. chuuya had to use corruption to
take him out, and i doubt he's actually dead.

i may or may not have taken a little too long to snap chuuya out of it, honestly. i played it off
like i thought it was funny to watch, but really i was a little in awe. corruption is so
devastatingly beautiful. sometimes i wish it was my ability. i'd burn the world down and die
with that beauty. and maybe then i wouldn't always feel so damn cold.

XX/XX/XXXX

ango figured out my scheme. as expected! but he's still going along with it. equally as
expected!

kyouka can't receive a pardon until she's officially a member of the detective agency. i'll have
to factor that into my plans. ranpo and i came up with a good one using the information he
received from poe. what a funny story that is. to think someone would challenge ranpo to
solve a mystery expecting anything but to lose!
yosano told me the full story afterwards. apparently ranpo knows he's not an ability user after
all, he just refuses to admit it. well, that's good to know. those two really are close, for him to
actually be that honest about it with her. but i know why. he did help rescue her from mori,
after all.

if someone had reached out their hand to save me... would that have filled this hole in my
heart?
 Chapter 33

XX/XX/XXXX

mori calling me in the middle of a mission is such a drag. i almost hung up on him. turned out
to be important, though. what a pity. i hate hearing that disgusting voice of his. it makes my
skin crawl.

akutagawa got involved just like i wanted him to, but it was a pretty dirty trick, i'll admit that.
i doubt anyone else in the agency would have done something like that. i really haven't
changed a bit.

higuchi was right about one thing-my blood is mafia black. probably always will be. sure, it's
red when i cut myself open, but that's just a mirage. something to trick people into thinking
i'm a human being.

would a human being treat someone the way i treat akutagawa?

maybe i should give him some acknowledgement. odasaku would probably tell me to do that.

XX/XX/XXXX

it all worked out fine in the end. everything went according to plan.

i told akutagawa he'd become strong. he fainted. i'm not sure if it's my fault or if he was just
exhausted from the battle with fitzgerald. could be both.

kyouka is officially a member of the detective agency now. she'll fit in well here. she was
always meant for the light.

i bet chuuya's getting drunk on his best wine to celebrate right now. he really should have
saved it. we have a real catastrophe coming our way, after all.

fyodor is certainly working from behind the scenes here. that demon i met once, two years
ago... he's made his move at last. i wonder how things will turn out from here? even i can't
fully predict things as long as fyodor is involved. i'll need atsushi and akutagawa as the new
double black to fight his crew directly, and i'll need ranpo and the rest of the agency to help
set plans and put them in action, but at the end of the day, this is a chess match between me
and him. just like we always used to have... but this time, there are lives at stake. and we can't
just put down the board and do other things if we get tired of the game.

ah, i'm tired. i want to sleep for a week.

 Chapter 34

XX/XX/XXXX

a bit of downtime between fyodor's last move and his next isn't unwelcome. what is
unwelcome is having to deal with further negotiations with mori. now that the battle with the
guild is over, our temporary truce is no longer strictly necessary-but fukuzawa wants to keep
it, so i have to play nice with a man i hate.

there are ways to incentivize mori to agree that don't cost the detective agency anything. i'm
just waiting for fukuzawa to order it, really. i'm sure he will eventually. if not, i'll just take the
initiative myself. odasaku would want me to keep the peace in this city. odasaku would want
me to do whatever i could. it's not like i need protection. i'm the demon prodigy. i can do
whatever it takes.

XX/XX/XXXX

ranpo stopped me today while i was going to call mori again. 'don't do it,' he told me. 'you
don't need to, and he wouldn't want that.' i just laughed it off, but it bothered me. i don't like
that he knows what's going on inside my head. not when he acts like this.

XX/XX/XXXX

mori agreed to continue the truce. i suppose ranpo was right. i didn't need to do anything
drastic after all.

it's strange, feeling something so strongly. i think it's relief.

XX/XX/XXXX

saw mori out buying dresses for elise today. ugh.

he bought a dress for me once. tried to make me dress up and look all pretty. i tore it to
shreds. the backlash for that was enough to leave me bedridden for the rest of the day, but he
never bought me another dress. good. i may not be human but i'm not elise either.

i wonder if he bought dresses for yosano. probably. she has a style that screams of the exact
opposite of his tastes-no unnecessary frills. her clothes are clean and simple, and when she
does dress up it's elegant rather than cute. she dresses like someone trying to forget how he
made her dress. i can recognize in others what i see in myself.

maybe i'll ask her if she wants to go out drinking tonight.

 Chapter 35

XX/XX/XXXX

there was a cello song playing over the bar speakers when yosano and i walked in. i stopped
for a moment and thought of fyodor and his own beloved cello, the way he always tipped his
head back like he was having a divine revelation. he always looked like that in his rare
moments of pleasure-like god himself was speaking. i wonder what he would do if he met
chuuya. the man who eternally seeks god and the man with a god raging in his veins. what a
combination that would make. i don't think it'd end well.

yosano elbowed me. 'what's on your mind?' she asked, a little cheerful and a little concerned.

'remembering someone,' i told her, and let her assume what she would.

she ordered wine and i ordered whiskey, and we sat down to chat. i don't remember
everything we talked about. i do remember when we started talking about mori.

'helen of sparta,' i called her, and she laughed.

'who does that make you, then?'

'no one.' i shook my head. 'no one worth telling a story about.'

'not to hear everyone else tell it.'

'no one would have started a war over me,' i clarified. 'except maybe mori.'

'i never thought anyone would do that for me, either,' yosano admitted. 'except for my ability.
but ranpo said they didn't want my ability. they just wanted my kindness.'

'ah, there's the difference.' i smiled, but we both knew it was fake. 'i never had anything like
that. only the things mori taught me.'

'you're kind to atsushi.'

'is that what you think?'

'i know what you look like when you're channeling mori. i've never seen you do that with
atsushi.' she didn't see how i treated him after the incident with q. that was something mori
would have done. no, mori would have done that and worse. does that mean i'm better than
him? or does it just mean that i'm not quite as awful?

'do you think i'm like him?' i was fairly drunk at that point. 'you know him. you know what
he was like. do you think...?'

'yes.' she sighed. 'but so am i.'

'no,' i mumbled. 'you wouldn't...' i tried to gesture, to get my thoughts out, but my hands just
flopped around. in hindsight, that's a good thing. i came far too close to revealing everything
that mori did to me. maybe he did the same to yosano, maybe he didn't. i don't know. i don't
really want to know.

'neither of us would do everything that he did.' she frowned. 'that doesn't mean we weren't
influenced by him.'

'mmm.' i couldn't really form words. i'd had far too much to drink by that point. i'm still quite
drunk, really. i have to think very hard to write in any way normally.

'that's enough for you,' she said firmly, and cut me off. 'let's go home.'

for a moment, i felt like i used to, stumbling out of the bar with odasaku and ango back
before everything went wrong, talking and laughing. except we were silent, and i think i
would have cried if i knew how.

i think i called her odasaku when she dropped me off at my agency dorm. i think she told me
to get some rest.

i really should.

good night, odasaku.

 Chapter 36
Chapter Notes

folks is it gay to be snow white

XX/XX/XXXX

the dragon and the demon have returned to yokohama.

shibusawa and fyodor are teaming up, and i'm joining them. we've made our makeshift
headquarters at mukurotoride, and things are... interesting. fyodor and i have fallen back into
old patterns, and shibusawa... he's not quite on our level, though he thinks he is, but he's close
enough to join in.

it's odd here. i wear white to fit in with the rest of the group, and it feels wrong. i'm not the
sort of person who belongs in white. then again, neither are they. maybe that's the irony of it.

yes, hello, fyodor. i know you'll be reading this again. i know your fondness for white and
you really don't belong in it. you're a demon just like me, after all.

though i must say, i do prefer you in white.

XX/XX/XXXX

the fog has descended upon yokohama.

every ability user will have a difficult battle tonight. and i'll have my own battle, too.

i've made all my preparations. whether i make it out of this is all up to chuuya now. but i
believe in him. he'll be here. if only to give me a good solid punch.

fyodor is calling me. if i die, then this will be my last entry. but i won't. chuuya will be here.

the rest is up to him.

XX/XX/XXXX

it's finished. chuuya came through, like i expected. how beautiful.

atsushi, akutagawa, and kyouka were instrumental in stopping shibusawa as well. and in the
end, everyone came out of it alive. even mori, sadly. part of me would have quite liked it if
elise had killed him. but fukuzawa was there. the two of them teamed up to take out each
other's abilities. well, at least it's good that fukuzawa survived.

all in all, i'll call this one a job well done.

fyodor disappeared after it was all over. i'm sure he has more plans, now that this one has
failed. but i have plans of my own.

we'll see who comes out on top.

 Chapter 37

XX/XX/XXXX

the agency threw a little party today, to celebrate the closure of the fog incident. i had to
excuse myself about halfway through because all of the joy was starting to get to me. atsushi
followed me out.

'are you okay?' he asked, and i made myself smile.

'i'm fine! i just needed a break.' in reality, i was considering going to the nearest bridge and
throwing myself off of it. it hurt. everyone was so happy, so relieved, and atsushi had called
me a good person and he meant it and that felt like a stab in the back because i'm not. i'm a
terrible, selfish, cruel person. and the entire thing just made me feel so damn empty. i don't
deserve to feel that kind of happiness. i know that. but i wanted to, anyway. and because i
couldn't, i was thinking about jumping off a bridge. isn't that ridiculous?

we sat in silence for a while, and then he told me something that almost made me burst out
laughing. 'i think you're really brave,' he said, and i had to fight to keep from showing my
astonishment. 'working with people like that just to try and stop them... i'd be too scared to go
near them.'

he clearly had no idea of my previous involvement with fyodor. and i had no intention of
telling him. 'you're braver than you think,' i said in the end. 'you'll be able to make the tough
choices when the time comes.'

'you really think so?'

i smiled. 'would i lie to you?'

i guess he still doesn't think i would, because he shook his head and laughed. 'well, if you say
so...'

he went back into the party after that, and i went back to my dorm. i didn't feel the need to
stay. probably no one except atsushi (and ranpo, because ranpo notices everything) even
noticed i was gone.

good. it's better that way.

XX/XX/XXXX

i ran into mori again today. ranpo sent me on a candy run, and it was my bad luck that the
store i picked happened to be the one mori was in, picking out sweets for elise. he smiled at
me. 'dazai. fancy running into you here.'
'mori.' i smiled back, but we both knew it was fake. 'just my luck, meeting you.'

'so harsh. you really ought to move past the incident with oda, you know. it's making you
awfully spiteful.' he smiled a little wider, but it was just as fake as my own smile. 'and you
know how i feel about you talking back to me.'

'i don't have to play nice with you anymore.'

'really?' he frowned, pretending like he was concerned. 'you wouldn't want your precious
agency to find out about any of your little secrets, would you?' a chill went down my spine,
but i didn't react. 'they'd drive you out.' he reached out and pushed my hair out of my face. i
couldn't move. i couldn't breathe. 'and you'd have nowhere to go except back to me.'

'i'd rather die.'

'don't be like that. you know there's always a position open for you. if you'd still been my
right-hand man during the fight against the guild, they would have been wiped out
immediately.' he smiled again. 'i know you haven't changed. you're just as ruthless and
cunning as you always were. my blood diamond.' the pet name made me want to throw up.

'don't call me that.'

'it's what you are.' his voice was so sugary-sweet that it nearly made me sick. 'it's what you'll
always be. you and i both know it.'

'get away from me.' it was all i could think to say. 'get out of my sight.'

'i'll be waiting for you to come back.' those were his parting words. 'i won't hold a grudge.
nothing will have to change. it'll be just like old times.' yeah. that's exactly what i don't want.
'oh, and... give my love to yosano, won't you?'

i didn't end up getting ranpo his candy after all.

 Chapter 38

XX/XX/XXXX

when i got back to the detective agency, ranpo rounded on me immediately. 'where's my
candy?' he demanded, and then stopped-i'm sure he'd figured out what happened.

'you didn't even get the candy?' kunikida snapped. 'a simple errand, and you can't even do
that? what, did you throw yourself into a river again?'

'kunikida.' ranpo's voice was very serious for once. 'stop. leave it alone.'

'i'm leaving,' i told them flatly. i didn't have the energy to fake a smile. i'd used it all up trying
to keep calm in front of mori.

'don't you dare.' the response from them was simultaneous, though for very different reasons.
kunikida didn't want me slacking off, and ranpo didn't want me leaving and killing myself the
way i was thinking about. but why wouldn't i think about it? everything suddenly felt so
much more precarious. mori could tell them all the truth about me at any time, and there were
only two ways to stop him-kill him, or kill myself. i'd rather die than be driven back to him. it
was all so simple, really. so easy. i could fix everything with a rope around my neck or a gun
to my head. then everything would be better.

'ah, you're so cruel,' i muttered. 'to make me stay here and work.' but in reality, i was a little
happy that ranpo didn't want me dead, even knowing the truth. 'i guess i have no choice,
then.'

so i sat down, and i did my work. kunikida seemed surprised, and a little grateful. he
shouldn't have. i was only doing it to keep my mind off of what mori had said to me. selfish
reasons, like always.

yosano invited me to go out drinking with her again. i think i'll take her up on it.

XX/XX/XXXX

'ranpo told me you had a run-in with mori yesterday.' it was the first thing she said. we'd
gotten a small private table in the corner, and once she said that i understood why.

'traitor,' i muttered. 'and this is a sad excuse for small talk.'

'you know you can talk to us about things like this, right?'

i laughed. 'no, i can't.'

'you can at least talk to me.'

'you wouldn't understand.' you wouldn't understand what a monster i really am.

'you're not the only one who had to live with him.' she sounded a little angry.

'i know that.' of course i knew that. 'but we're not the same.'

'what's that supposed to mean?'

'you're a doctor.' i forced a smile. 'you think life is sacred. i'm a very different sort of person.'

'the demon prodigy.'

my head snapped up. 'you know?'

'it wasn't hard to guess, after meeting you.' she sighed. 'ranpo was the first to figure out the
exact details, but... i know what mori's influence looks like. his shadow practically drowned
you back then. the way you talked, the way you smiled... i knew he had trained you.'

my hand tightened around my glass. 'if you knew about the demon prodigy beforehand,
then...'

'i thought you were an adult.' she closed her eyes, but even so she looked like she was in pain.
'people outside of the mafia... anyone who heard of you assumed you must have been an
adult. i did too. i thought you had chosen that life, that you did it because you wanted to. i
didn't think...' she gritted her teeth. 'you weren't that much older than i was when you met
him. if i'd known... i would have begged the president to do something. i know he would
have. but we didn't know. and i didn't want to think about it, i didn't want to think about him...
it was too much.'

'so you know what i was, and you still put up with me? i was his prodigy, after all. his blood
diamond.' i traced circles on the table. yosano looked horrified.

'is that what he called you?'

'yes.' i sighed. 'it was a particular favorite. but that's not the point. you were an angel, weren't
you? and i was a demon. we're not the same at all. you wanted to save lives. i took them.'

'you were a kid.'

'not for all of it.'

'do you really think that matters? you were manipulated by him. i know what he's capable of.
i know how he can mess with your mind. even if you thought you had a choice... you didn't.
not really. he wouldn't have given you one.'

at that point i was getting sick of the platitudes. 'you don't really think killing people was all i
did, do you?' i snapped. 'i tortured people to death on a regular basis and i didn't care.'

'because he taught you not to. he must have done so much to you-'
'he fucked me, yosano.' the words burst out of my mouth before i could stop them. she looked
ill. 'i wasn't just the demon prodigy. i was his whore. and sometimes? sometimes i liked it. so
stop treating me like i'm just some innocent victim. stop pitying me-'

'i know.'

'what?'

'i know,' she repeated. her voice was so soft, so sad. 'i could tell that, too. the way you looked
at me... the way you flinched when i touched you. i knew what he did to you from the
beginning. because he did it to me, too.'

'...he did?' i'd had my suspicions, but having it confirmed... that was different.

'yes.' she reached across the table and took my hand. 'it wasn't very often, i'll admit that. we
were in a war, after all. we were both so busy... but he found the time. in-between shifts, or at
night... he'd come to my room, and he'd touch me. and he'd do worse than that. and
sometimes it did feel good. he was a doctor, he knew how the human body worked-and he
knew how to manipulate people. how to make them-make me believe that it was my fault. it
took years for ranpo to convince me that i didn't do anything wrong... that it was all on him.
sometimes i still feel like it was my fault. but it wasn't. and it wasn't yours, either.'

'how can you say that so easily?' much to my shame, my voice cracked. 'you weren't there.
you don't know.'

'i know enough.' she looked so, so sad. 'you were a child, dazai. you were too young to
consent even if you were okay with it... and you weren't, were you?'

'...no.' it was getting harder to keep myself together. 'i asked him to stop.'

'so did i. but he didn't listen. and he had so much power over me... it didn't matter what i
thought. he was older, and stronger, and more powerful, and he could make me do what he
wanted. he could manipulate me into thinking that i wanted it. but i didn't. i never did.'

if i could cry, i might have. 'but i convinced him to do it, sometimes.'

'you were a child. he probably had something over your head, didn't he?'

'...i didn't want him to hurt ch-someone else.'

she smiled sadly. 'that gravity manipulator you worked with, nakahara chuuya... is that who
you mean?'

i nodded. 'i just wanted to keep him safe,' i confessed. 'i was afraid of what would happen to
him if mori took an interest.'

'i'm sorry, dazai.' she squeezed my hand. 'you shouldn't have felt like you had to do that. you
were a scared kid, and you did what you felt like you had to... but you should never have
been in that position in the first place. it doesn't make you a bad person. and it doesn't mean
that you wanted it. it's mori's fault. not yours, and not mine. just his.'
'...i don't know if i can believe that.'

'it'll get easier. i promise.' she smiled again, but it was a little more hopeful. 'come on. let's go
back to my place, okay? i'll have ranpo come over and bring some snacks. we'll have a movie
night. it'll be fun, i promise. our movie nights always are.'

'...okay.'

so we went back to her dorm, and we watched a couple of movies with ranpo, and he ruined
all the plot twists and stole most of the snacks.

and it was fun.

 Chapter 39

XX/XX/XXXX

talking with yosano gave me... not a new outlook, not really. a new facet to consider, i
suppose.

i didn't think it would be possible for anyone to know and not think it was my fault. but the
idea that not only she, but ranpo and maybe even fukuzawa wouldn't blame me for it? it
seems farfetched. but why would she lie? especially not in a way that reveals her own past. i
already suspected it, of course, but having it outright confirmed still makes me look at her
differently. she is like me, at least in one way.

so mori has consumed us both, like the monster he is, and left shells in his wake. like
someone cracking open a crab's leg to devour the meat. and now we have to piece together
the cracked parts until we are once again whole, if that's even possible. yosano seems to be
doing much better at it than i am. me? i don't even know where to start.

sometimes i climb into bed and it's like i'm back there waiting for him to come and fuck me.
sometimes i look in the mirror and i see him over my shoulder smiling at me like he always
did. sometimes that's all that exists in my head, like i never left. like that's all i'm good for,
just being used over and over and over again. and i don't remember how to do anything else.

i'm tired. i wish he would just leave me alone.

XX/XX/XXXX

i saw chuuya across the street today. i didn't talk to him. i didn't know how to. i've felt so
unsteady ever since running into mori again. everything feels like it's balancing on a pin, and
i don't know how to get it all back on solid ground. what if i told chuuya the truth? i can't. i
don't want to see how he'd look at me. i don't want to hear what he'd say to me. he'd probably
say i deserved it, like he did back then. i want to believe he wouldn't say that if he knew,
but... chuuya hates me. i made him hate me. and i deserve that reaction. when it comes to
him, i'm basically just a parasite, leeching off of him to try to feel something. i have nothing
to offer in exchange. even the one thing i can offer has already been tarnished.

i'm not one to believe in silly social constructs like the idea of virginity as some all-important
attribute, but the fact of the matter is that i have nothing to offer chuuya that could just be his.
i wish i could say something stupid about offering him my heart, but i think we've long since
established that i don't have one.

that's my problem, isn't it? i just take and take and take. and i never give anything back unless
it's forced out of me.
i was so selfish then, chuuya. i just wanted some light. and you were the brightest person i'd
ever seen. a supernova in the mafia-black night. beautiful and shining. so i took as much as i
could from you, and now there's nothing i can give you to make up for it.

remember when you worked in the jewel markets? you had things of impossible value in
your hands on a regular basis. nothing i have could come close to that.

i would give you my tears if i could, and watch them turn into jewels on your skin. but i can't
offer that either.

XX/XX/XXXX

sometimes i really do wish i could cry. i want to cry for myself. i want to cry for every time
mori put his hands on me. i want to cry for everything i lost. i want to cry i want to cry i want
to cry. but i can't even do something that simple. i'm not even human enough to cry over my
own suffering. i sit and i stare and my eyes burn but i don't cry. if i didn't know better i'd
think i didn't even have any tear ducts. but i do. i just don't have the humanity to use them.

i want to peel my own skin off, too. just peel it off and throw it away until i can't feel his
hands on me anymore. but i can't do that. i can't do anything except live with it. and i don't
want to live with it, either. but i just can't seem to die.

i wish he would just let me go.

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