Chapter 28

Aelin used her hand and waved it in front of her face, trying to get some fresh air coming onto her
face. This room was insanely hot, too much for Aelin’s liking at least.

She checked her phone quickly, seeing if anyone had texted her. Her uncle did, asking when she
would visit him again.

Her eyebrows pitched together, trying to recall the last time she’d seen him. It was her parents’
dinner, the one that ended in a disaster. It was the last time she saw Aedion, too. She was hit by a
pang of guilt.

She’d been so busy lately. Between school, the exams waiting at the return of spring break and the
ones waiting two months after which will be most of her final grade, and all the time she spent at
Rowan’s, Aelin hadn’t had time for anything else.

In the last month she only slept twice at her apartment, and even then, she came back there late
after an evening at Rowan’s.

She couldn’t help it, not when Rowan’s house felt like home. Even when he wasn’t here for the
night, when he was working and that Helia was sleeping at her uncles or grandparents, Aelin still
enjoyed spending the night at Rowan’s.

She enjoyed how he woke her up with kisses on her cheeks, then lower on her neck, how he always
nipped at her collarbone, and then always made a show to kiss her… lower.

Multiple times.

It was honestly the best way to start her day.

Only this morning, Aelin woke up with Rowan in between her legs, one hand on her—

“Did you enjoy the show?” Elide asked, standing right beside where Aelin sat.

Her cheeks flushed slightly, cut off from her dirty thoughts. Aelin smiled and nodded, “You make
a very convincing Juliet.”

Elide chuckled, rolling her eyes. “You’re so full of shit.”

“Eh! Watch your tongue, Juliet. What would the other Juliet think?”

Elide’s school was putting into play a sapphic rewriting of Romeo and Juliet, and Aelin finally
took Elide on her invitation to come and see a rehearsal. This wasn’t how she imagined it. Aelin
thought that they would just get a script and then would play it, and that would be it.

Aelin didn’t want to be mean, but the reality was underwhelming from what she imagined. Not that
Elide didn’t seem happy, she was radiant. And Aelin couldn’t be happier from her old friend.

She only supposed that… what she told Rowan a few weeks ago wasn’t entirely true. She didn’t
see herself in drama, and she tried to ignore the stain on her mood at the realization of it.

“Want to grab some coffee?” Aelin asked, picking up her bag from under the seat. Elide nodded,
and they were on their way for the closest coffee shop.
They walked in silence, Aelin letting Elide lead her to wherever they were going. She didn’t know
this part of Doranelle, had never bene there before. It was the artistic side of the city, and Aelin
regretted not coming here sooner.

Maybe one of these days she could take Helia on a ride here, show her the drawings on the walls.
It would be easy to do now that Aelin had her driver’s license. Rowan didn’t let her drive, he also
had resorted to tricking her so he could drive.

Aelin suspected that he was only doing so because it was forbidden, because he didn’t like being
told no. He promised her he was fine, that his cuts didn’t hurt and that his flexibly hadn’t
diminished.

So, Aelin trusted him. As long as he took his meds in front of her every day and that he let her
massage his hand at least once a day. Which he did, so she supposed that everything was well.

Helia was in a new phase of her life: the drawing phase. Aelin knew that at one point every kid
started to draw and did it quite a lot, but Aelin had no idea how much a lot actually was.

It was like she was possessed by a demon whose favorite hobby was drawing. She drew
everything, animals, objects, but her personal favorite thing to draw lately was her father holding
her in his arms, with Aelin looking at them. Oh, and let’s not forget the beaming, big sun always
hovering over them.

Helia loved to draw the sun. Yellow was her new favorite color.

Aelin had cried the first time Helia showed her a drawing of the three of them. She didn’t want to
play the therapist and see things where they weren’t, but it was clear that Helia kept her proximity
with her dad—as seen by the hug—and yet she still accepted Aelin getting closer to the both of
them.

She asked if she could keep the drawing and Helia accepted. It was now folded in Aelin’s purse
and would always stay there.

The little girl would adore this side of town, especially the drawing on the walls. Just yesterday,
there had been a little incident in the Whitethorn house. Helia went to potty alone, which Rowan
was quite proud of. But he didn’t see the red felt pen she had in her hand when she went there.

Needless to say, Rowan’s white walls weren’t white anymore. And Aelin had witnessed for the
first time the little girl being punished in her room. Rowan felt bad, as if he’d been a bad father.

He put too much pressure on himself, and she told him so. But Rowan was Rowan, and this was
something he needed to work on by himself, so Aelin brought him momentary comfort the best she
could.

Rowan couldn’t have Helia in her room for more than ten minutes, he went and hugged her for at
least twenty. Instead, Helia would learn what consequences were this weekend, when she’ll help
her dad paint the walls.

“You look anxious,” Elide said, once again tearing her away from her thoughts. He made a sign to
look at Aelin’s wrist, and Aelin was fidgeting with her watch.

She put her hands behind her back, chuckling with a little embarrassment. “Sorry, got a lot on my
mind lately.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” She asked kindly.

Elide opened the door for Aelin, and she thanked her. “It’d kind of why I wanted to see you today.”

“Of course, it is,” Elide answered, as if she knew there was something behind Aelin’s visit. She
didn’t look hurt by that, only understanding. “Tell me everything.”

First, Aelin and Elide ordered and took their drinks to a table. There wasn’t a lot of people around
them, it wasn’t busy at this time of the day which was a good thing. And also another reason why
Aelin chose this moment to visit her friend.

She took a sip of her coffee and winced at how hot it was.

“Come on,” Elide complained. “Spit it out already.”

Aelin chuckled, “Yeah, alright. Secrecy isn’t cute, is it?”

“It’s really not, at least not with me,” Elide winked.

“Alright,” Aelin breathed, not really knowing how to initiate that. “I’m seeing someone.”

Elide frowned, “That’s your big news? I knew that.” She said. “Dorian clung to you enough for
everyone to know that.”

Oh. Right. She winced, “Not Dorian. This is… all pretend with him.”

Her frown seemed to be permanent on her face now. “What? Why?”

“Just something stupid. His father is awful, and it calmed him down a little. But everything is
platonic with him.”

Elide took a sip of her drink and nodded, taking it in. The silver of her piercing glowed with the
sunlight. “Alright, weird but not unusual from you. Who are you seeing then?”

Aelin bit the inside of her cheek, “That’s what I wanted to talk to you about.”

She huffed a laugh, “Yeah, the context clues kind of told me that already. Why do you look so
anxious?”

“Because I need you to be open minded,” Aelin asked of her friend. She knew that Elide was
understanding, but Aelin still couldn’t stop her heart from beating wildly.

She arced a bro, “Aelin, if you’re about to come out to me, I’m afraid to tell you that our sessions
of training to kiss when we were ten was telling enough.”

She couldn’t help her snort, clamping a hand over her mouth. She’d entirely forgot about that, that
happened before Aelin and her family moved to Terrasen after her aunt’s death.

“Oh, my god!” Aelin laughed. “I forgot about that.”

“Mean,” Elide answered. “We should fix that.”

Aelin snorted, “Your little boyfriend wouldn’t like that, I’m sure of it.”

Her friend cocked her head to the side, an expression of confusion on her features. “What do you
know of—”

Aelin’s mind suddenly understood what Elide thought she was saying, and she couldn’t stop her
nearly quick enough, “No, no. Not like that. Ew, no. That’s disgusting, I rather eat fish then to
touch Lorcan.”

And Aelin truly hated fish.

“Lorcan?” Elide asked. “Even when I talk about him, you still call him Dr. Salvaterre.”

“Alright,” Aelin knew she couldn’t really keep it in no longer. “I’m dating a friend of your
boyfriend. Rowan. I’m-I’m dating Rowan.”

Elide opened her mouth hesitantly, and Aelin grabbed her own cup a little harder. “Rowan
Whitethorn.”

“Yes.”

“Your professor, Rowan Whitethorn.”

She took a deep breath, “That one, yeah.”

“Fuck.”

“Yeah.”

He passed a hand over her head, “What are you doing, Aelin?”

“What do you mean?”

Elide looked around, “Listen, instability has always been a part of you. It grew as you did, and it
was alright. But this? Dating a professor? Doesn’t he even have a daughter?”

Aelin frowned, “This is not instability, please hear me out. Don’t be like Lorcan, just give me one
chance to explain.”

“Lor knows?”

Aelin nodded, “He saw up one night. I’m still fucking embarrassed by it.”

Her eyebrows shot up, “Lorcan caught you doing the deed?” Aelin nodded and Elide burst out
laughing. Aelin couldn’t help but join. “I would pay so much money to see that.”

“No way. Too many people have seen my tits.”

“He’s seen your—”

“I don’t know. I hope not. But I was kinda… busy when he showed up.”

Elide was still laughing, wiping the tears from under her eyes. Aelin had been so embarrassed that
night, and Rowan had helped her get dressed immediately, so she hoped his friends didn’t see
anything. But now with Elide, she couldn’t help but find the situation amusing, if a little
mortifying.

“Why does shit like that always happen to you, Ae?”

She shrugged, “To keep my friend interested? I don’t know, nor do I know the definition of
boring.”
Her friend snorted, “Believe me, I noticed. You wanted me to listen, so talk.”

Aelin was grateful to Elide for giving her this opportunity. “We met almost four years ago. Long
before he was my professor. You know what they say about love at first sight? It wasn’t that, or at
least I don’t think so, but it’s the closest I’ll ever come to it.”

“That’s a lot of feelings. Especially for you.”

Aelin blushed because it was true. “And that’s not even the most of it. Elide, you know about
Celaena, you know how I shut myself in the months after her death, you saw that when we moved
back here. Rowan, he is the first person I ever talked to about her. I dated a guy for years, and I
never told him Celaena’s name. I met Rowan, and in ten minutes he had me telling my entire story.
I’m not saying that this relationship is the perfect model, or that it doesn’t have flaws. But if I’m
right here, not half dead, it’s thanks to him. He saved me.”

Elide nodded, taking it all in with a few minutes of silence. She didn’t get up and left, so Aelin
judged it was a victory.

“I know we only knew each other when we were kids and all,” Elide started with a voice much
softer than it usually was. “But I miss her. You two were my only friends back then. When you
moved back here, I thought we could become friends again, you know? But you never came, never
texted me. Mom said you never went to the hospital either. Then you went back to Terrasen, and
only after we saw each other again. Was it thanks to him?”

Aelin nodded, her bottom lip bobbling. “I’m sorry, Elide. I just… wanted to forget, you know?
Everyone, the places, all was a reminder of her.”

“I understand, Aelin, and I’m so happy you’re back,” Elide said, grabbing her hand across the
table. “And I’m glad you found someone to help you.”

“Does that mean you’re okay with it?”

She took a deep breath, “Whether or not I accept it, you won’t change your mind. I know you
enough to know that. And I don’t want you to be alone, so, know that I’ll be by your side into
that.”

Aelin smiled, squeezing Elide’s hand at her turn.

“You told me because of tonight, right?”

Elide was supposed to eat at Rowan’s. With all of his friends. It seemed that not only Rowan had
invited his girlfriend. Lorcan wanted his friends to get to know Elide before the trip.

Rowan told her to come, but she doubted that his friends knew. Lorcan might not have come, and
Rowan himself said that it’d been a while since he saw them.

She nodded, “I didn’t want you to find out when you passed the door. I don’t know, it just didn’t
feel right.”

She was the one who asked Rowan if she was allowed to tell Elide, and he only answered by
saying that it was much her secret as it was his, and that if she felt like she could trust Elide then
she should go for it. And anyway, it wasn’t like she was bound to know. It was already a surprise
that Lorcan didn’t tell her anything.

“Well, I’m happy it forced you hand.”

Aelin frowned, “Why?”

“It doesn’t seem easy to lie to everyone, to hide and not talk to anyone. You must feel lonely.”

“I’m not lonely, I have Ro. And Helia.”

Elide cocked her head to the side, an eyebrow raised. “You know what I mean. You can’t just rely
on your relationship for everything, that’s not healthy. You need friends.”

Aelin didn’t answer, instead she chose to take a long sip of her coffee.

“Does Aedion know?”

She scoffed, “Hell, no. Are you crazy?”

“He wouldn’t take that well?”

Aelin had thought about telling her cousin countless of time. He was like her brother, and repeated
so many times that she could trust him. And yet, she never spilled the beans. “Aedion hates all my
boyfriends. I let you imagine his reaction when I tell him I’ve dating my professor, who is years
older than me, who had been married and has a kid. He would hate it, and I don’t need that kind of
division between the two of us.”

Because she was pretty sure that if she had a choice to make, Rowan would be her answer.

“You think his reaction would be that extreme?”

Aelin bit at her lower lip, “He’s my cousin, so it can be expected. I know he wouldn’t be against
me, more… against it.”

Because she knew that Aedion would support her, but what she knew was that now, no one could
truly support her without supporting Rowan.

“How did Lorcan react?” Elide asked.

Aelin laughed, rolling her eyes. “He hates me. I hate him, it’s all good. Gods, Elide, what do you
see in him?”

She shrugged, a secret smile on her face, “I see more than you do. He’s not as bad as he let people
think.”

“Yes, well,” Aelin said as she finished her drink. “I don’t believe that, but I’m happy if you’re
happy.”

“I am, too, Aelin.”

---

After that very tasteful, and burning, coffee, Aelin had to rush to class. Unfortunately, running
didn’t help her be on time. She was ten minutes late when she opened the lecture hall’s door, and
of course she wasn’t discreet.

The door made such an awful noise that she winced, everyone turning back to look at her. Her
cheeks were flushed in embarrass and she did some awkward wave with her hand.

“Miss Ashryver Galathynius,” the professor said, his voice clipped. “Should I thank you for
blessing us with your presence?”

The class laughed, and Aelin half wanted to strangle them all. She still had some violence in her,
apparently. The professor seemed annoyed, not that she could trying blame him.

“I’m sorry, it won’t happen again,” she said as she walked down the stairs. “Professor Whitethorn,”
she added.

It was always hard to see him in a classroom and having to act as if she didn’t know him inside and
out, as if he wasn’t the most important thing in her life.

“I should hope not, as you just used your only joker for the rest of your school years with me. The
next time you’re late, you won’t step a foot into my classroom. Is that clear enough?”

She nodded, biting the inside of her cheek. “Clear as crystal, professor.”

“Good,” he said, his voice hard as it always was in this classroom. “Now, come get your last test
and sit down silently to stop bothering my class.”

Great, now she’d had to walk down all the stairs and walk them up right after instead of just
directly sitting next to her friends at the back of class. He could have given her that test at the end
of class, or even at home tonight.

But Rowan didn’t play favorite, at least not in the classroom. Because Helia definitely was his
favorite at home, and she got why. The kid was awesome.

This was his small way of punishing her, knowing how much she despised doing sports. She rolled
her eyes. She loved his other way of punishing her a lot better.

She had flashes of herself bent over his kitchen counter, her breasts pressing against the cold of it
while he spanked her. And all of that only because she teased him.

Rowan hadn’t been rough against after that, and she judged it a tragedy.

She wanted him to, and from the pulsing pressure between her legs, it was more a need than a
want.

Rowan’s eyes were dark when he handed her the piece of paper, and whispered without even
moving his lips, “Stop thinking about that.”

She bit her lower lip; he always was too good at knowing what she was thinking about. She only
winked at him before turning around and joining Lysandra and Dorian.

“He’s been an asshole the whole class,” Dorian whispered to her. “Don’t worry about that.”

She only shrugged, suddenly worried about why Dorian said that. Rowan was never the nicest to
his students, but not to the point of being an asshole. At least not all the time.

“How much did you get?” Lysandra asked.

Aelin shrugged; she hadn’t really checked.

“Ninety-eight?” Lysandra asked, her mouth slightly agape. She was the one who took Aelin’s test
and looked the grade.

“Oh, that’s cool.”

Her friend didn’t answer for a second and when Aelin looked at her, she was frowning, but it was
gone in a second, “Yeah, you’re good.”

---

“You coming?” Dorian asked, packing his computer in his bag.

She threw one look at the professor and shook her head, “Nah. I have one last question to ask. But
go ahead, I’ll join you.”

Dorian nodded, “Thank gods you won’t want us to wait, I’m dying of thirst.”

She chuckled and laughed at his dramatics, Lysandra’s face wasn’t amused, though. Aelin wanted
to ask her what was wrong, but Dorian grabbed her hand and pulled her out of the classroom before
she could open her mouth.

She’d ask her next period, or when Aelin would be at the apartment. Which… didn’t happen often.
Maybe she should just text her.

Aelin packed her things more slowly than anyone, and as the last student left the room Aelin
walked down the stairs.

Rowan’s head was tipped down a little, but she couldn’t help a smile from forming on her face
when she saw him look up. “Hi,” she breathed once she was in front of the desk.

Rowan packed the last slack of paper that was on his desk and finally tilted his head up, “Hello,
Aelin. Is there anything you want?”

She shrugged, “Just wanted to talk to you.”

“You have class with Dr. Grave next.”

She waved with her hand, “Let the old bastard wait.”

He raised an eyebrow, cocking his head to the side with a puzzled look on his face. As if he was
studying her.

“Talking about bastard…” She started, “Dorian kind of implied you were at the beginning of
class.”

His gaze turned annoyed, “And we care for what Dorian thinks?”

She frowned, taking a step toward him. “I just want to know what happened. You did seem on edge
the entire class.”

“I was worried, Aelin, that’s why I wasn’t in the mood to make jokes with students.”

She grabbed his hand that rested on the desk, “Worried about what?”

“You were not here,” he said.

She frowned, a little confused. “What?”

“You were not there, when I started class, Aelin.”

“I-I was just late, I needed to—”

“I know you were late, Aelin. But that didn’t stop that weird part of my brain from worrying that
you were somewhere off dead. It’s weird, it’s improbable, but I do have a track record with that.”

“Ro,” Aelin breathed. “I’m sorry, I should have texted you, I didn’t want to make you mad—”

“I’m not mad, Aelin,” he told her more sweetly. “I was just worried, and it doesn’t help my mood,
alright? Yes, please, text me if that happens again. Where were you? I dropped you off at campus
this morning.”

While Aelin had a driver’s license, she still didn’t have a car. Rowan hadn’t push her to look for
one, though, like he pushed her to get her license. If she had to guess, she’d say that he liked this
ritual of dropping off Helia to school first and then her, and only after that going to work.

She liked it, too.

“I went to see Elide, I wanted to tell her before tonight, I told I would.”

He nodded, “Fuck, I’m sorry I forgot.” He groaned, his head falling back, “I’m exhausted, I
fucking forgot and then I got worried. I’m so—”

She stopped him with a hand on his chest, “Baby, that’s it. It’s alright, nothing bad happened.
Everyone in this class is used to you being a little bit of a dick sometimes, you know? That’s not a
big deal.”

“I forgot something you told me, that’s bad.”

She rolled her eyes, checking behind them to see if they were still alone and then wrapped her arms
around his neck. His own grabbed her waist, and her body relaxed at that touch. “You barely sleep
lately, always working on those papers. And before that, you exhausted yourself with surgeries.
You need a break, and forgetting one thing I said isn’t bad.”

He sighed, his forehead dropping onto hers, “I just don’t want to be a shitty partner, I don’t want
you to feel unlisten or anything.”

She knew what this was about, what his mind was doing on him. “Ro, I—”

She stopped to look in his eyes, at the curiosity growing inside of them. Not now, it wasn’t the
time.

“What is it?” He whispered.

She took a deep breath, “I can make you feel better.”

He frowned, but before he could ask, Aelin had already dropped to her knees. “Aelin,” Rowan
breathed, and she saw his eyes going from her face to the door.

She raised an eyebrow, looking at him through her lashes. She kissed his hip, then the other one,
and in the middle, right on his groin.

He cursed under his breath, “Anyone could walk in.”

His voice was suave, deep and slightly shaking.

She rubbed her cheek on his hardening member, her hands holding her on his belt. “Then I suppose
we should be quick?”
Rowan looked at her with hesitation, and she only needed to whisper a small, ”Please,” to convince
him.

His right hand patted her head, grabbing a strand of her hair and pulling her head back so she could
look at him in the eyes, “How long have you been dreaming of doing that? Of getting on your knees
right here?”

Her breath caught, her left hand grabbing his cock through his pants, and his hardness betrayed
how much he wanted her. “How long have you?” She asked under her breath.

His eyes darkened, and a wicked smile took place on his face and it answered her question. “Get on
that seat, professor, and use my mouth.”

He did it, obeying her. Maybe Rowan wanted the control, and yet he still gave it to her now. That
was interesting, maybe something she wanted to explore more. But now, she meant what she said.
She wanted him to use her.

Aelin kneeled in front of him, rubbing her head on his thigh and her mouth salivating at the idea of
what was going to happen.

“Unbuckle me,” Rowan ordered.

She never let go of his eyes as she did just that, throwing the offensive object away from them. She
unbuttoned him, and he helped her lower his pants.

She almost moaned when she saw him, this part of Rowan she came to love so much. She licked
her lips, looking up at her boyfriend before licking him from base to tip.

He cursed, one of his hands grabbing her shoulder roughly. She whispered on the sensitive skin of
his shaft, “Use me, Ro. Please?”

His eyes were black now. “Open your mouth. Now.”

She did as she was told, parting her lips. He grabbed her hair and pulled her down until her mouth
was wrapped around his cock.

He guided her but she didn’t need it, she took him deeper until he hit the back of her throat, and
even then, she still tried to take him deeper. Rowan thrusted once into her mouth, and she moaned
as he entirely buried himself in her.

Her hands clenched on his thighs, and Rowan pulled her back before thrusting again into her
mouth. And again.

“Fuck,” he grilled through his teeth. “Such a good mouth, baby.”

She moaned around his member, too lost in the frenzy of the moment. If the door was locked, if
they had a little more time, she would beg him to take her on his desk. To pull her skirt up and fuck
into her like he was into her mouth.

Maybe that was why she always wore skirts the days she had classes with Rowan. In the hope that
he would do just that.

“Can I come in your mouth, baby?”

She nodded around him, using her tongue to play with the underside of his cock. “Such a good girl,
you’ll swallow me dry, right? You like being used that way, don’t you?” He panted, still thrusting
into her mouth.

With two more movements, Rowan pulled her head down and came, leaving her to do just as he
asked, and Aelin did it gladly. The taste wasn’t good per say, but there was just something arousing
about Rowan’s spent.

Rowan picked her up, seating her on his knees and kissing her. She moaned into the kiss, grabbing
roughly at his hair. She couldn’t stop thinking about how arousing it was to see him eagerly kiss
her even when her mouth tasted of his come. “Thank you,” he said onto her lips.

She chuckled, “Are you thanking me for a blow job? Really? Don’t thank me for sex, it’s not a
favor I’m doing to you.”

“Am I not allowed to be polite anymore?”

She laughed and rolled her eyes, “Just kiss me, idiot. And you better vouch for me to Dr. Grave to
explain why I wasn’t in his classroom.”

He grinned, “Don’t worry, baby, I’ll tell him you were way too busy working on anatomy to show
up.”
 Chapter 29

“You’re home?” Lysandra asked from her spot on the couch.

Her surprise was enough to tell Aelin that maybe she went a little bit too far, that she shouldn’t
have stayed away from her friends so much.

But Lysandra’s behavior earlier in the day had troubled Aelin enough that she asked Rowan to
drive her to her apartment instead of directly going back home. She’d join him there later, his
friends were supposed to arrive only in two hours. That was manageable.

“Yeah, not for long, though. I’m sorry.”

Lys shrugged, looking back down at the familiar book on her lap. She was studying, probably for
the cell biology exam that was coming up soon. “This is your home too, you don’t have to
explain.”

But there was still something in her voice that bothered Aelin. She looked around but there were no
signs of Dorian. Maybe he was out too, or maybe he was in the shower. He didn’t usually retract
alone in his room, so Aelin didn’t expect him to be there. He didn’t enjoy loneliness.

Chaol was nowhere to be seen either. She didn’t know why, couldn’t explain it after everything that
happened, but she wanted to speak to him. Have a conversation and explain what went wrong.

Other than the girl he had sex with.

Maybe it was because Chaol had been an important part of her life. She never loved him, that much
was clear. But he’d been there for years. He wasn’t the best at taking care of her, but she also
hadn’t been the best at opening up.

Rowan had made her too goddamn sentimental, and now she felt like she longed for… friendship.
Or at least closure with Chaol.

But from Rowan’s reaction at her parents’ dinner, she didn’t know if she wanted to do that without
talking to her boyfriend first. And she had no idea how to even try to explain that thing to him.

But that was a problem for another time.

Now, she wanted to focus on her friend.

“Have I done something?” She asked Lysandra, sitting on the couch to seat on Lysandra’s side. She
wasn’t good at communication, the only person with who it didn’t seem to be a problem was
Rowan.

But Aelin had to let go of Rowan just a tiny bit. Elide’s words from earlier in the day kept
repeating in her head, and the more it happened, the more Aelin found truth in them.

A truth she didn’t like, granted. But a truth, nonetheless.

She could have Rowan and Helia, but she had to have something else on the side.

She’ll pass on a career that she loved, that much seemed pretty unattainable.

But she could have friends. She had amazing ones, and she should stop pushing them aside. Lying
would be hard, as she didn’t feel like telling them the truth, but Aelin could do it.

She also would call her uncle and cousin first thing tomorrow and try to spend a little time with
them before she left for spring break.

“Why would you think that?” Lysandra asked in a monotone voice, never lifting her eyes up from
the book on her lap.

“Well, you either want me to understand there is a problem or you’re very shit at concealing your
emotions,” Aelin answered, a little too bluntly.

There was a silence for a few seconds before Lysandra laughed, “You sure know how to insult
people when trying to be nice, Ae.”

She winced, linking her fingers together as she gave Lysandra an apologetic smile. “Yeah,
strangely it’s not the first time I hear that.”

She could see her friend roll her eyes, and she felt the tension between the two of them ease a little.
“What is it, then?”

“I thought we were friends,” Lysandra said.

Aelin frowned, “We are. You’re my friend, Lys. I know I haven’t been here a lot but—”

“I don’t care about that, Ae,” she finally looked up, and Aelin could see… betrayal in her eyes.
“Enjoy that honeymoon phase with whatever boyfriend or girlfriend you found, I don’t care. Even
keep it a secret if it’s your kink, I don’t give a shit, I’m talking about how we’re supposed to share.
I never see you study, you’re never here anymore for our weekly study session at the library with
other people. It’s like, you don’t want to help us. Your grades are getting better and better, while
you don’t share or help us.”

“I’m—”

“No, let me finish. I thought we weren’t like other people. That if we wanted to succeed, we were
doing that together. I don’t know, Aelin, you’re not sabotaging us, but it feels like you don’t care
for us or to help us.”

“I didn’t think about that,” Aelin admitted, her voice not as strong as before. “I promise, it’s not
purposeful or anything. I swear. I want you to succeed as much I do for myself.”

Lysandra snorted, “Well, that’s not saying much.”

“What does that mean?”

“You hate it here. Every time someone talks about our future as doctors, you face just does that
grimace you do when you look disgusted. You don’t look interested in class, and when we used to
study together you hated every single thing you learned. But I love it, Aelin. I gave up everything
in my life to be where I am today, I have debts, I never see my family, and I certainly do not have
the time for romance.”

“Is that my fault?” Aelin asked on the defensive. She understood her friend, she truly did. Yes,
Aelin didn’t want to be here, but she also had no idea where to go.

The brunette sighed, “No, it’s not. Listen, all I’m saying is that… I think I just expected more from
you. We’re friends, and yet, you don’t seem to want to help us.”
She looked at her hands, not sure she really wanted to look at her friend now. She wasn’t mad, but
maybe she was a little ashamed.

She was glad to know that Lorcan was the one grading her tests, because Anatomy was the course
in which she did best. She couldn’t take the thought that Rowan would favor her. But Lorcan hated
her, at least now. And she still got an amazing grade last test, that meant she deserved it.

“I’m so sorry,” Aelin said. “But I promise, I’m not hiding anything. I don’t have new ways to
study, or someone teaching me on the side,” and it was true. Rowan tried to never interfere with
her studies. “I think I just settled well in here, I’m happy and I have less problems. I don’t study as
much thanks to my parents, because they taught me so much since I was a kid, and I know it’s a
huge privilege. But I’m not doing anything malicious just to be first or anything, I promise Lys.”

“It’s so unfair,” she said, and Aelin knew what she was talking about.

It was unfair that Aelin had all these chances, all these privileges, and wanted to do nothing with it.
Maybe she could ask a favor to her dad, so Lys could get the same kind of internship as Aelin and
Dorian had. She wasn’t sure of the answer, but she could ask.

“I know.”

She looked at the clock and asked Lys, “How about I stay here tonight? We could study? Or do
something else if you want.”

She shook her head, “No, don’t cancel your plans for me. I’ll be fine.”

“I’m sure you will, but I want to stay here.”

She offered her a smile, and Aelin’s lungs filled with air when Lysandra returned the smile. “I’d
love that. Dorian and Chaol went for pizza, they should be back soon. Are you alright with that?”

“You joking? Friends and pizza? That seem ideal.”

---

“I’m sorry,” Aelin said quietly into the phone. “I know it was important to you, but tonight won’t
change their opinion on me. And it’s good for me to spend time with my friends alone, so it should
be good for you too, right?”

“Aelin,” Rowan said, but she kept talking.

“Maybe you can talk with Lorcan about all this tension between you two, it could be good. I know
he hates me, but it doesn’t have to affect your—”

“Are you done?” Rowan asked, and she closed her mouth.

“Now you’re being rude.”

“Smartass,” he teased, and she couldn’t help but smile. She fell back onto her bed, sighing. She’d
call Rowan when Lysandra went to shower, and the guys weren’t back yet. She started talking
immediately and couldn’t let him place a single word in between.

“Right back at you, old man.”

“You’re going to regret saying that.”

She bit her lip, “Yeah? How are you going to do that?” She asked, before whispering, “Old man.”

“You’ll be the death of me, Galathynius.”

Somehow, it didn’t feel weird to only wear her father’s name. Most people did that anyway, but
she’d always insisted on having both her parents’ name. Her father called two days ago, asking
about her driving test. He even said he was proud of her at the end, and Aelin had to fight the tears.

Yeah, that’s how bad it got.

She still didn’t have any sign of life from her mother. This wasn’t the time to think about that.

“That’s the plan,” Aelin answered. “I’m with you just to steal your kid. Sorry not sorry. Oh, and
your money too.”

He tsked. “Keep teasing me and I’ll turn your ass red, princess.”

Her cheeks flushed, “Promise?”

He barked a laugh, and she couldn’t not mirror the sound.

“Are you mad at me?”

“Of course not,” Rowan answered so quickly that she could only believe him. “You’re right to
spend some time with your friends, baby. If you’re happy, so am I.”

“Really?”

“Do you truly think I would be mad at you for doing something you want?” He asked.

She chewed on her lip, “It’s just that I promised to be here tonight, that I would help you.”

“Aelin, you’re a shit cook I wouldn’t have let you touch anything.”

She laughed, she really was awful at cooking. She could somewhat deal with everything that was
sweet, but the last time she tried to cook something else than pancakes… She almost burned
Rowan’s kitchen down. That was not her proudest moment.

“But your friends…”

“They know you already,” Rowan said. “And maybe it’s not so bad. I don’t want you to be exposed
to whatever Lorcan has to say when I tell them I take you with us on the trip.”

“You can still change your mind, I’ll be okay,” she lied. She was so excited to leave and have
vacations with Rowan and Helia. And Fenrys. She was less excited by the presence of Lorcan, but
she could deal with it as long as she got the right amount of sex and hugs.

And Rowan never failed to deliver on those two.

“I can take it,” she told him.

“I know, but I don’t know how long I can take it before I punch him.”

“Don’t,” she said. “Your hand is barely healed.”

“No speeches about how bad violence is?”

She laughed, turning around to lay on her belly. Just like that, she looked like a teenager on the
phone with her crush. It was insane how Rowan made her feel all these things she never
experienced because she was too deep in grief.

“You’re the one with a toddler to raise. I’m not ashamed to say that my morals aren’t perfect. If
someone goes low, you bet I’ll go even lower.”

He barked a laugh, “I’m quite excited to see how you’ll do that with Lorcan.”

She hummed, “You’ll see that very soon. The plan is in the making.”

She could almost see his eyebrow rise, “Yeah? Tell me about it.”

“This strictly between the Annoying Salvaterre Club.”

“And who is in that club?”

“Oh, you know, just people with taste and who happen to be very beautiful,” she teased him.
“Alright, it’s just Fenrys and I.”

“Gods help Lorcan,” Rowan sighed, as if he was already done with the ALC. He saw nothing.

Fenrys and Aelin had been texting back and forth ever since last weekend preparing for the trip.

The door of the apartment opened and closed, and loud male voices echoed through the apartment.
Rowan heard that through the phone and said, “Have a good evening, baby.”

These three little words burned her tongue, but she didn’t say them. Instead, she smiled and said,
“Be nice to Elide, alright?”

They hung up and Aelin put her phone to charge before leaving the door. The guys were unpacking
the pizza when she entered the living area, and Dorian looked up to see who was here.

His face transformed into such a huge grin when he saw her that she couldn’t help but smile back.
“Ae! You absolute legend! You’re staying here tonight?” He asked when he saw her in her
pajamas.

She winked, “I needed to remind you who your superior was, so here am I.”

He grinned like a fiend and came to hug her, and in true Dorian fashion it was the moment he chose
to say, “You know I’ll get on my knees for you every day.”

She almost gagged, pushing him away. “You absolute pig!”

He laughed and went back to his pizzas. Chaol’s gaze was on her, and he gave her a kind smile.
“It’s good to see you, Ae.”

“Thanks,” she said, which was the nicest thing that could come out of her mouth just now.

---

“You do realize you guys were supposed to study tonight?” Chaol asked, entering the kitchen part
of the living area. Aelin was on her phone, so she was surprised when she heard his voice. She
turned down the laughs and giggles of Dorian and Lysandra in the other room for a few minutes.

She couldn’t help a small chuckle, “That was before Dorian saw the bottle of tequila. I swear, this
man is only weak for women and cheap alcohol.”

He stood at the other side of the kitchen, not invading her space which she was grateful for. But his
body was still turned to hers, giving her all his attention.

“Yeah, he’s always been like that.”

It was still crazy that Aelin had never heard of Dorian in all her years of dating Chaol. She
supposed it was just another proof that communication wasn’t their strength. Not that she thought
they had any.

She took a sip of her beer. She drank less than her friends, but the night was still young. She just
didn’t feel like she needed it, which felt like a victory in itself.

“Why are you here?” Aelin asked after a moment of silence.

“In the kitchen?”

“No, living here. Why?”

He took a deep breath and didn’t seem to like where that conversation was going. But Aelin had
been too stuck between her anger for him and the time she spent at Rowan’s to even ask him.

“My dad punched my brother, and while I don’t particularly like him, that was kind of a breaking
point for me. I punched him back. I broke his nose, and then he spat at my face before cutting me
off.”

“Fuck,” she breathed.

“Yeah.”

“Your dad’s always been an asshole,” she said, taking a sip of her drink. She never spent too much
time with Chaol’s family, and his father was probably the reason why.

He barked a laugh, “What?”

She shrugged, “I couldn’t really say it before but nothing’s stopping me now. I wanted to kick that
bastard’s balls every time I saw him.”

“I think I would have liked to see that,” he said, and Aelin thought that she would have liked to do
it.

“Look at us now,” she said after a moment of silence. “The minute we graduated we went far, far
away from this city just to come back years later.”

That was the one thing they had in common. They both wanted to escape their parents, both for
very different reasons.

“Well, you’re a successful student and I’m a med-school dropout, so I’d say the situation got bad
for only one of us.”

“You left because of the money, right?”

He nodded, “Yeah, I just… I tried a few weeks to keep school doing with a job on the side and it
was just too much. I couldn’t do it.”
She finished her beer, “I’ll talk to my dad. For a scholarship.”

That wouldn’t be easy, considering that Aedion and her father could have a Chaol Haters Club, but
she’d try.

His mouth opened before closing again right after. “Why would you do that?”

She shrugged, “You were a shit boyfriend, but you were there. Most of the time. You’re important
to Dorian, and I don’t want you to fail.”

“I don’t deserve that.”

She snorted, “On that, we agree. You don’t deserve it now, but it’s something you can still work
on. For the future.”

“With you?” He asked, a little more bluntly than she expected. He must have drunk more than she
thought.

She shook her head with more strength than she thought. “No, gods, no. That ship sailed long ago.
But you can work to be a… very distant friend?”

He chuckled, “Yeah, I’ll work on that.”

She smiled and went to leave the kitchen, but he asked her one last question, “That person you’re
seeing, do they make you happy?”

“Well, they never cheated on me so—”

“No, I mean, in general,” he said seriously. “Are you happy?”

She nodded, with a secret smile on her lips, “Yeah, happier than I’ve ever been.”

“Good,” he nodded even if he looked sad. “You deserve that.”

“I think you’re right,” she said more for herself than for him. “I do.”

---

Aelin was only half aware when she reached to her bedside table and grabbed her phone. It was
midday, and Aelin had just woken up.

The light hurt her eyes, and she tried to listen to see if anyone was awake until she remembered that
today she would be all alone at the apartment. Dorian was spending the day with Manon, Lysandra
was seeing Aedion and Chaol went looking for a job.

She was overcome by joy at that realization, and even if she wasn’t probably looking her best,
Aelin decided to not care. She lit up the light on the bedside table, and put her phone on the camera
app. She lowered the comforter, exposing her purple nightgown. The top of it was lacy, sticking to
her creamy skin. She cocked her head to the side, a seducing smile on her face and she tipped her
phone up to take the picture.

Once it was done, she bit her lower lip as she typed the text she sent Rowan.

>Alone @ my place the whole day. Wanna keep me company?

She knew that he wasn’t working today, as it was the first day off of his two weeks of break. Helia
had two weeks, so Rowan took two weeks off.

They’d be gone in three days, and Aelin couldn’t be more excited about it. Rowan texted her last
night, saying that his own evening went well, which she was happy about.

Elide texted her, too. She threatened her to cut her hair if she ever abandoned her again. Aelin, in
her drunk fashion, only answered with a selfie of herself sticking her tongue out.

Fenrys also texted her, his was a picture of him kissing Elide’s cheek and he told her that he found
a new best friend. Aelin sent the same picture, instead this time it was Dorian kissing her cheek,
and Aelin asked him if he was jealous. To which he answered that Aelin was a traitor.

Her smile brightened when it showed her that Rowan read her text, and seconds later, his answer
came.

< I’m on my way.

She resisted the urge to kick her legs in the air and instead stood up and started getting ready.

Twenty minutes later, someone knocked on her door. She was grinning when she opened, and her
heart went wild when she saw Rowan in just jeans and a simple soft-sleeved white t-shirt that sticks
to his body so tightly Aelin would almost see his muscles. She also enjoyed greatly the sight of his
tattoo.

“You changed,” Rowan remarked, his eyes on what she wore.

Granted, her little yellow sundress was cute, and she loved it, but she was sure that Rowan
expected something else. Something purple.

“I was cold.”

He looked up at her, his gaze heavy and dark and Aelin could barely stand it. “Too bad. Warming
you up was in my plans.”

She took a sharp intake of breath and grabbed his hand and pulled him into the apartment. The
door was barely closed before he grabbed her and kissed her.

She moaned the moment his mouth hit hers, and she jumped on him, wrapping her legs around his
waist.

His hands grabbed her backside, holding as close to him as possible while he ravished her with his
tongue. She pulled at his hair, rougher than she should. But he didn’t complain, if only it just made
him squeeze her own flesh harder.

“I missed you in my bed last night,” he groaned, as if he wasn’t pleased.

“I missed being in your bed, too,” she admitted, her forehead falling on his. “I had to hug a pillow
to fall asleep.”

He smirked, “Yeah.”

She squinted her eyes at him, trying to look threatening. “Don’t you dare make fun of me.”

“I wouldn’t dare.”

She rolled her eyes and let go of her grip on Rowan’s waist, falling back on her feet. She gave him
a shy smile, “I was excited for you to see my apartment.”

He took a look around, and frowned when he looked at her, “Why was it so important?”

“I’m here thanks to you.”

He cocked his head to the side, thinking until he asked, “What do you mean?”

She took a deep breath, “You’re the one who said I didn’t have to like my parents from too close,
and that’s what decided me to move out. Because, as much as I hate to admit, you’re usually right
when it comes to stuff like that.”

He smiled, “Give me a tour.”

So, Aelin did. Which didn’t take too much time as the apartment was quite small, but she added
little stories of each part of the apartment. Dorian’s lap dance to Chaol yesterday on the couch, the
strange meeting with Dorian’s girlfriend in the kitchen…

She ended the tour with her room, and that was the room Rowan seemed to be the more interested
in. He looked on every wall, every picture on her dresser, her bedsheets and how many pillows she
slept with.

“If this is how you like to live, you must think my own bedroom is plain.”

A lot of things in her room were pink, or very colored. Aelin was a girly girl and she had no shame
with that.

Rowan went to the essential. His walls were white with no decoration, and his bedsheets were
black. The most colorful thing in his room was a picture of Helia in her green pajamas.

“It’s not. It’s very you.”

He shrugged, taking a seat on her bed. “I just never took the time to decorate. Before you, that was
just the place where I slept sometimes.”

She suddenly remembered that at the beginning of the semester she saw Rowan’s office at school
with sleeping stuff on his couch. “Did you often sleep at work?”

He shrugged again, brushing off that it was another way for him to open up at her. “Sometimes.
We had one rough time with Helia at one point when she only wanted to see her grandmother, so
she spent a lot of time there. I didn’t want to come back to an empty house.”

“I’m sorry,” she said, coming to stand in between his legs. “You said before me, then what is your
room now?”

He held her on the back of her thighs, looking up at her as she had both hands on his shoulders.
“It’s where I wake up to see a hellion asleep all over my side of the bed, it’s the place where I get to
tell you about my day. It’s the place where I can just reach for you if I want to, and I don’t have to
care for the eyes of the world. It’s the place where I make love to my girlfriend almost every
night,” he said that last part with a sly smile.

She swallowed and pouted, “You never made love to me.”

His eyebrows shot up to his hair line, “I never did?”

She shook her head, “No. Making love, for me, is all about being slow, delicate, and little loving
words in the ear. It’s being lazy and passionate. There is nothing slow or delicate about the way
you have you way with me every day, Rowan.”

He smiled at her, “Is that what you want?”

She shrugged, “Sometimes I think so, and then you kiss me, and I just need it all very quickly.”

He replaced a strand of her hair behind her ear, “Noted.”

Aelin grinned and kissed him, “Help me pack?”

And Rowan did. She showed him all of the clothes she wanted to bring, and he told her whether or
not they would be appropriate for the climate and activities planned.

She never went to the Southern Continent before, while Rowan had gone to the same villa with his
friends for three years now.

“You do have sunglasses, correct?” He asked, and she nodded.

She hated wearing them, which was a shame when her eyes were so clear. She just didn’t like how
they looked on her. “In my nightstand.”

She placed the two dresses Rowan had almost drooled on in her suitcase, and then she heard
Rowan make a choking noise.

She turned around to find Rowan with a purple little thing in his hands, looking at as if it came
from another planet.

She tried to snatch it back to bury it somewhere so she could pretend that it never happened, but
Rowan didn’t let her. Rowan looked up at her, and Aelin had to hide her head in between her hands
when he grabbed the box where he found that little object.

And now, he was looking at other… toys.

“Interesting,” he was the first one to break the silence.

Aelin rolled her eyes, “Stop looking so shocked for a few sex toys.”

He chuckled, “Shocked? That’s what I look like now?”

She bit her lips and nodded, “Listen, there was just a moment in my life when I didn’t know you
and I needed some—”

“Don’t justify yourself,” he said. “Those are my new best friends; I don’t need any explanation.”

This time it was her turn for her brows to raise, “Your new best friends?”

He nodded, “Those little guys and I are going to have lots of fun, I promise.”

The image was too much for Aelin, so she dismissed it with a roll of her eyes.

“Pack them,” Rowan said, handing the box to Aelin.

Her eyes went wide, “No way.”

He pouted, “Please?”
She sighed, grabbing the box and throwing it into her suitcase. “You’re such a child.”

“I thought I was an old man.”

“Shut up,” she snapped, and yet she smiled when Rowan threw himself back on the bed and
laughed.
 Chapter 30
Chapter Summary

happy birthday nina <3

Aelin had always hated sleeping in a car, and yet, she always fell asleep during long trips. There
was just something uncomfortable about the strange angle her neck was into sleep, how her belt
always compressed her body enough to sometimes hurt.

And she couldn’t forget how she always, and she meant always, drooled. It was only something she
did in the car, and she had no idea why. She just knew that she hated it.

Loud and powerful giggles woke her up, tearing her away from Morpheus’ arms. She opened her
eyes, and it took her a few seconds to exactly state where she was. She sat straighter, and Rowan
was still driving on the other side of the car.

He looked at her, smiling slightly and she returned the gesture as she stretched, the weight of his
hand on her thigh, a welcome one.

The giggles and laughs came from behind her, and she squinted her eyes as she looked at Helia
who was laughing hysterically and at Fenrys who shamelessly got along with it.

The phone in Fenrys’ hand and how Helia laughed as she looked at it was enough to understand
what happened. Whilst Aelin liked having candid pictures of her taken, one of her sleeping with
her mouth half open wasn’t what she had in mind when she thought about it.

She frowned, “Why didn’t you take your own car, again?”

“I don’t know, Aelin,” he purred. “How about because we are saving our planet?”

“Yeah, Aelin!” Helia repeated. “We save the planet.”

“That’s so right of you, little one,” Fenrys raised his fist for Helia to bump hers with his.

She frowned at the little girl, “And I dared thinking that you were loyal.”

She giggled, holding her little stuffed animal close to her over the protections added to the car seat.
“I’m only loyal to daddy.”

Rowan’s grin couldn’t be bigger, and the bastard had the audacity to look smug. She rolled her
eyes, her hand wrapping around the back of Rowan’s neck. Her thumb was paving a way through
his hair, playing with strands as she looked ahead on the road.

They left a few hours earlier, and while Doranelle wasn’t huge, it didn’t have any highways which
made the drive to the airport much longer. Not that she complained, Aelin was all for the
domesticity of these drives with Helia and Rowan. Oh, and yeah. Maybe with Fenrys, too.

“Don’t let them push you down, you’re cute when you sleep,” Rowan told her, a hint of mockery in
his voice.
She rolled her eyes, bending over the control gear and nipping at his neck. She was careful as she
did it, not going too hard. She really didn’t want them to have a car crash.

He hissed, and she smirked. Tonight would be fun, she just knew it. She kissed the lobe of his ear,
leaving his skin flushed.

“You two are disgusting,” Fenrys gaged from his seat on the back of the car.

“Ew!” Helia screamed. “Gross daddy.”

“I haven’t done anything! It’s all Aelin!” Rowan explained.

Her mouth was wide open, “You traitor. I really can’t count on anyone here.”

“You can count on me, baby,” Fenrys purred, and Rowan threw him the nastiest look through the
rearview mirror.

Aelin didn’t bother looking back, she only raised her hand and gave him the middle finger. Helia
gasped louder than the music echoing through the walls of the car. “Aelin!” She hurried to wrap
her finger around Aelin’s fingers. The adult looked back at the little girl, waiting for an
explanation. She whisper-yelled. “Don’t do that! Or Daddy will punish you.”

The intention behind it was sweet, and Aelin's heart would have melted if Fenrys didn’t burst out
laughing. “Don’t threaten her with a good time.”

She mouthed the word bastard and looked to Rowan to find support, but he was only smirking. He
looked at her sideways, “What?”

“You’re such a kid,” she shook her head and grinned.

“Helia’s right, Ae. Behave.”

His tone, the way he looked between the road and hers, the weight of his gaze… It was enough for
her amusement to fade away and be replaced with heat tickling her core.

---

“What is it, baby?” Aelin asked Helia.

The girl was shaking in her seat, both her tiny hands gripping the armrest so tightly her fingers
were bone white. It was so unlike her to be scared, most of the time Aelin admired how fearless
and self-confident Helia was, and she hoped that it would never go away.

Because of Aelin’s late addition the trip, she didn’t get a place next to her boyfriend and friends in
business class. She was sent to economy with Elide, but Helia had thrown a little tantrum earlier at
the airport, and it made Lorcan take Aelin’s place with Elide, and Aelin took Rowan’s seat while
he sat where Lorcan was originally supposed to be.

“Do you want dada?” Aelin asked, using her thumbs to wipe away the tears that had started spilling
on her cheeks.

Her lip wobbled, but she shook her head. “No, stay.”

“Alright, everything you want my darling,” she answered. She threw a look behind to look at
Rowan, and he frowned. He asked if they were okay in that silent way of his, and Aelin answered,
in the same way, that she was working on it.
Somehow, he sensed that something wasn’t right. He always did.

“Are you scared?” Aelin asked, her voice soft. She supposed that the little girl wouldn’t want her to
scream it loud enough for the whole plane to hear.

More tears escaped the forest green eyes and she nodded, and something in her broke at that. “It’s
very loud.”

“I know, Ellie,” the nickname escaped her, but the toddler didn’t seem to mind. “You are allowed
to feel fear, alright? It’s normal. But you are not afraid, because you aren’t your emotions. They
are there, but they don’t define you. You are Helia, who happens to feel fear.”

She looked up at her, and Aelin encouraged her with a smile. She felt a little like a hypocrite since
she was the first one to let her emotions dictate the way she lived, but she didn’t want Helia to be
that way.

“I am Helia who feels fear,” the girl repeated, a little sob in her voice.

Aelin’s grin wasn’t forced, “Amazing. You’re so strong, and I’m right there, alright? Nothing will
happen to you as long as I’m here.”

“Promise?”

Helia held her little pinky finger in the air, and Aelin grabbed it with her as she kissed her forehead
and said, “I swear it on my life.”

It seemed to help her a little, because tears slowed their flowing on her face, and her breathing
evened out a little bit. Aelin turned around as the plane started moving, smiling at Rowan to tell
him that things were alright, and she handled them.

He would move during the flight to see them, anyway. She knew that. They just had to take off.

And during that time, Helia grabbed Aelin’s hand so tightly that the woman was surprised at the
sheer amount of strength a toddler could have. She whispered sweet nothings in her ear, asking
Helia to tell her about her friends at school and about the tea parties she would have with her
cousin Loren.

She’d briefly met the boy at the airport, if Helia was outgoing and the definition of the life of the
party, Loren was shy, and calm.

Aelin was still debating whether the boy’s fathers accepted her or not. Because Loren definitely
took after his father Vaughan when it came to how calm he was. Connall was Fenrys’ twin, and
even if her blonde-haired friend was a little wilder, his twin wasn’t too different.

It’d been awkward to wait with these men, the ones that could ruin her life and the life of the two
persons she loved the most in the world. The same ones she had to trust when they said they would
keep their secret.

But how could she trust people she didn’t know?

Fenrys had relieved the tension a lot back at the airport, and Aelin was grateful for that. He could
be a pain in the ass sometimes, as Aelin found out in the car, and yet she somehow knew that he
didn’t only have Rowan’s back, but he also had hers.

Rowan told her that the guys would relax once they were settled in the house they rented. Rowan
also refused that she paid a single cent for the house. It made her uncomfortable. She didn’t have
her own money per se, but she still had money. She could pay. But Rowan refused, and he could be
as buttheaded as she was.

After a while, Helia fell asleep with her head rested against Aelin’s shoulder, and she felt a little
proud of herself for managing Helia. Sure, she couldn’t take care of the girl 24/7, and yet, she was
happy to know that from time to time, Aelin could take care of her.

---

Rowan had lied when he talked about a house they always rented on the border of the beach. This
thing… It wasn’t a normal house. It was huge, and Aelin knew that her mind would be blown the
moment she entered it.

It was cozy and unbelievably pretty. The house was huge, but it also seemed old and charming at
the same time. The bricks were of different shades of red, and the front of the house was covered in
ivies.

She loved it.

The kids seemed ecstatic at the new addition to their parents’ group because Helia took her hand
and Loren took Elide’s and they pulled and insisted on showing the entire house to the women.

They told them memories they made in the rooms, as they always picked the same house to rent.
Loren had cut his hand open last year in the kitchen when he tried to help Uncle Rowan cook.
Helia hid in Lorcan’s bedroom last year and was so giggly and excited to surprise her godfather
that she peed. But, and she added it herself with lots of convincing, it was only three tiny drops.
Which apparently made it alright.

Aelin wouldn’t judge her as long as it annoyed Lorcan.

She’d have to tell Fenrys that the ALC might have a new member. She still had to debate where
Helia’s loyalty laid.

“This is dada’s room!” Helia said while Elide was helped by Loren to settle down, trying to take
Aelin’s suitcase from her hands. A snort came from behind them, and she turned around to find
Rowan looking at them fondly from the doorway.

Aelin let Helia take the suitcase, holding it just a little. And Aelin had been right to do that because
the moment she let go of the weight, the little girl fell on her butt.

She didn’t cry, only giggled in that way she always did. The way that had Aelin’s heart melting.

She pouted but moved on quickly, taking off her shoes and throwing herself on the bed. Aelin
winced as she started jumping and laughing at the same time. Those kids had a kind of cardio that
Aelin could only dream of having.

Rowan was on the side of the bed in a second, holding his hands around Helia to secure her if she
was to fall.

“Join! Dada! Aelin! Join me,” the little girl panted.

A wicked smile drew itself on Aelin’s face, and she threw a look at the structure of the bed,
debating if it was safe. After a second, and a lot of wishful hopes, Aelin climbed on the bed.
Rowan winced when she stood, “You’re going to break the bed.”

She looked down and cupped his cheek with her hand, “That is exactly what was in my plans for
this week, Doctor.”

She winked at him before grabbing Helia’s hands and starting to jump with her. Aelin held her
weight down, because she didn’t want to actually break the bed. At least, not yet.

She, at least, wanted to show Rowan her nightgowns first. And then he would be the one breaking
that bed.

---

“Come! Aelin!” Helia asked impatiently as Rowan and her were taking roots in their room,
hanging their clothes and making the bed. Helia and Loren’s room had been dealt with first. If
there was anything she learned about toddlers these past few months, it was that they were fucking
impatient.

“I’m busy, baby,” Aelin said, bending to fold the bed sheets in the correct way. Rowan looked at
Aelin with a smile she didn’t understand, and when she silently asked, he only shook his head and
went back to his activities.

Helia was using her favorite technique to get what she wanted: threatening to cry. “But I wanted to
show you my favorite part of the house.”

Aelin sighed and looked back at the little girl. “How about dada and I finish this quickly, and then
you can show me?”

The girl sighed, sitting on her backside with her legs crossed and her elbows holding her head
straight. She knew that she wouldn’t get what she wanted the moment she wanted, so she sulked.

It was Rowan who told Aelin to draw limits sometimes, to not give in to everything she wanted
even if it was tempting. She must learn, Rowan had said. And Aelin would always let Rowan take
every decision for the little girl.

Rowan gave her a slight nod, and Aelin was comforted into thinking she did the right thing.

When they came downstairs, Aelin’s hand being pulled by Helia, everyone was already there. The
girl rushed to Loren, and Aelin took advantage of that little moment of peace to grab a glass of
water.

Rowan kissed the side of her head and headed to the kitchen where two of his friends were.
Vaughan and Fenrys.

Aelin didn’t have the time to take one sip before Helia came and pulled her out of the house
through a door she hadn’t seen in the back of the house. “Look! Look!” Helia said, turning Aelin’s
body a little to the right. She had been admiring the field of flowers just next to the house, with a
hint of the sea behind them.

Aelin’s glass crashed onto the hard floor when she saw what Helia wanted to show her. Her entire
body stiffened, as if ready to answer to an attack. Helia let go of Aelin’s hand to rush to the side of
the swimming pool with her cousin right behind her.

“I’ve… I’ve never…” She breathed into the safety of her room. She had decorated it just a week
earlier, arguing with Celaena about what color they would both pick. Both wanted pick. Neither
wanted to other to have pink.

Aelin had settled on a pretty lavender, and she liked it more than how Celaena’s room looked now.

The boy in front of her laid a hand on her leg, “It’s alright, we can take it slow.”

She swallowed, doubt creeping inside her. It was just the nerves. She wasn’t a stressed-out person
per se, but sometimes she could go down that road and it was never pleasing.

He looked at her in the eyes as he slid a hand under the soft material of her shirt, and she helped
him get it out of her, leaving her in her black bikini top and the skirt she wore.

She couldn’t believe that this was happening, that she was about to have something with Ilias.

He kissed her, his lips soft against hers. Dread filled her guts, and she put her hands on his
shirtless torso, pushing him away a few inches. She didn’t know why, her breathing was strange,
and this thing in her stomach that had tightened a few seconds earlier… It didn’t want to let go,
hurting her in the process.

“Are you alr-“

Screams coming from downstairs stopped him. Both their head turned abruptly toward her door,
trying to analyze what happened. One second later, even maybe less, Aelin shot up from her bed
and ran downstairs.

She barely registered hurting her ankles as she ran down the stairs, barely registered Ilias calling
her name.

No, Aelin knew something happened. She couldn’t explain it, couldn’t tell what she felt, but she
knew that things weren’t right.

“Celaena?” Aelin asked downstairs, her voice louder than everyone’s panicked voices. No, no, no.
Where was she?

“Celaena?” Aelin screamed, and a girl from school Aelin couldn’t remember the name turned
toward her.

“Ae…”

She didn’t listen, she just knew she needed to see her sister right now.

When one was born with someone, there was a link that was formed between the two, and that little
thread between her sister and her, it told her that something wrong had happened.

She pushed people away, trying to see what they were all looking at. They let her have a path
between them, and what she saw…

She almost fell to her knees, almost screamed in agony and terror when she saw the pool. The
water wasn’t clear anymore, everything was red.

And even if she could only see her back, Aelin knew that it was Celaena who was floating in the
pool, blood escaping from her head. Oh, gods. Oh, fucking gods.

Aelin jumped into the pool, that was her first instinct truly. She didn’t know how she was still
going, her ankle hurting, and then pain registered in her head. But she ignored it, she broke to the
surface and swam as fast as possible to Celaena, grabbing her around the waist and raising her
head from the water. Her eyes were closed, her mouth barely open and Aelin couldn’t know if she
was breathing.

“Come on, Leana,” Aelin grilled through her teeth, breathless as her legs tried to get them closer
to the border of the pool.

She slapped her face at the same time, trying to make her react.

Once at the border, Aelin tried to push Celaena outside of the water, but she was too heavy for
Aelin to do it. A man grabbed her sister by under the shoulders, and Aelin couldn’t even be
surprised when she saw Celaena’s ex-boyfriend tearing her away from the pool.

Her muscles were tired, and her mind and body just wanted to shut down. This was supposed to be
a party. Tonight was supposed to be fun. It was supposed to annoy the shit out of her parents in the
morning. It wasn’t supposed to be so… bad.

She climbed out of the pull, kneeling next to her sister. She was pale, too fucking pale.

Her hands were shaking as she took Celaena’s pulse, and her own heart stopped beating the
moment she realized her sister’s heartbeat was gone.

“Don’t you fucking dare!” Aelin screamed, starting CPR on Celaena. Too young, they were too
fucking young for that shit.

“What do I do?” Archer Flynn asked from behind them, and Ilias was keeping people away from
the scene. Even if they could see everything.

“Call for help!” Aelin yelled at him, focusing on her sister. She was breaking her ribs, she didn’t
care. She didn’t care as long as her sister’s heart started functioning again. “If you leave me here
alone, I’ll fucking kill you, Leana.”

She kept screaming, and crying on her sister. Her tears cleaned her bloody skin. Aelin had grown
up with doctors, she knew that it was over. That Celaena was dead.

And yet she kept trying, if only because she knew it was the last time she could ever touch her
sister.

“Aelin,” a deep voice brought her back to the present time, two strong hands on her cheeks, forcing
her to look at whoever was holding her.

Rowan. It was Rowan in front of her. There was no pool in sight, only a bed. Their bed.

And Celaena… She’d been gone for a while now.

“Breathe, baby,” he whispered, mimicking the rhythm he wanted her to breathe in. She couldn’t,
not when she could still feel Celaena’s warm body under her hands. She could also feel her lack of
pulse.

“I can’t,” she breathed, she couldn’t talk normally. It felt too hard. “I’m sorry Ro, I can’t. I wanna
go back home, please, please,” she cried. “I need to go back home.”

She was seated on his lap, barely aware of the movement through the fog in her mind. She was
lost, the same way she’d been months ago, and she had no idea of the way home.

Warm lips pressed against hers, but she couldn’t find it in herself to feel it the way she always did,
to feel his warmth from her face to her toes. She knew he was here, that he was taking care of it the
same way he always does. It was the only thing that kept her above the dark water in her mind. He
was her lifeline.

“You’re home, Aelin,” he told her, forcing her eyes on him. “Wherever you are, if I’m here with
you, you are home.”

She shook her head, tears escaping her eyes as she closed them, her forehead falling against his. “I
can’t do it, Ro.”

“Can’t do what, baby?”

She opened her mouth, a strangled noise coming out of her as she sobbed harder. Rowan’s hand
soother her back, one hand on the back of her head to keep her right there on him.

“You can do everything you want, baby, you’re the strongest person I know,” Rowan whispered in
between them. There was no one in the room, and yet the way he spoke, it made Aelin feel like
they were in their own very bubble.

“I can’t keep going,” her voice broke, her sobs worsening. “It hurts me everywhere, Ro.”

“Going what? Where?” He asked kindly, never asking her to calm down. And yet, he was still
mimicking how he wanted her to breathe. She tried to follow the pattern, but it was too hard. There
was something heavy on her chest that caused a problem.

“Everything,” she breathed. “I need it to stop.”

There was a loud silence in the room before Rowan grabbed her face and made her look up at him,
more serious than ever.

He licked his lips, “I know it hurts. I know that more than anyone else, alright? And no matter how
much it hurts, I’m going to be there every step of the way for your recovery. I’ll go at the speed
you want to go, but you know what I will not stand for? I will not watch you give up.”

He said that with so much conviction that she couldn’t do anything but listen to every word that
came out of his mouth, her sobs and tears softening their pace.

“Because I won’t let you give up, Aelin. If you fall, you bet that I’ll be right there helping you
stand up again,” he stopped, swallowing. “Because once you stop, once you give up, I’d have to
give up, too, Aelin. You’re my last fucking hope, and I can’t give up because there’s my daughter
who is waiting for me to be strong enough for her and me at the same time. You make me keep
going, Aelin. Even before you were mine, you were the reason I woke up every day. I’m begging
you, baby, you cannot let go, alright?”

She closed her eyes, trying to even out her breathing, “It hurts so bad, baby.”

“I know,” he said. “Your pain is mine, too. Whatever you feel, I feel it too. And we’ll fight it
together, alright? We’ve been alone enough. No more of that.”

She nodded. It was the two of them. She couldn’t give up, not if it meant that Rowan would also
give up.

“What happened?” He asked, “We heard your glass break, and then you had trouble breathing.”

She swallowed, grabbing his shirt around his shoulder, and holding him close as she said, “The
pool.”

His hands never stopped stroking her back, the welcoming warmth keeping her sane. “Was it the
first time you saw one?”

“We moved because of the memories, but also because I couldn’t stop having panic attacks
whenever I saw it. I even struggled with baths for at least five years. I’ve just been avoiding pools
since, and I wasn’t prepared today. It made me see things I didn’t want to see.”

Aelin hadn’t known there would be a pool. She’d stupidly assumed that if the sea was close, a pool
wouldn’t be necessary. She hadn’t seen pictures of the house either, life, before they left, hadn’t let
them a single minute of break.

“Aelin!” A high-pitched voice echoed in the room, and Aelin turned around to find Helia on the
doorway. She rushed to Aelin’s side, wrapping her arms around her waist, and at the same time,
also tried to climb on her father’s lap.

Aelin chuckled, even if the sound was a little teary. Rowan took his daughter by under the shoulder
and placed her on his lap, between Aelin and him. “What makes you sad?”

Aelin gave her the most convincing smile she could find in herself, “Nothing important, baby.”

She frowned, not appreciating being lied to. “Is it the pool? Are you scared?”

Aelin nodded, “Yeah, I am.”

Helia shook her head, “No, you’re not. You’re just Aelin, who happens to feel a little bit of fear!”
She gave her an encouraging smile, the same one that Aelin gave her this morning.

Rowan asked fondly, “Who told you something so wise?”

“Aelin, of course!”

Aelin couldn’t help the laugh that escaped her, “I might be a bit of a hypocrite.”

He rolled his eyes, “That you are.”

“What’s a hypocrite?” Helia asked with curiosity. Always that same curiosity.

Rowan leaned into the girl's ear, “That’s Aelin. Always saying one thing and doing the opposite.”

He winked at her, and Aelin played the part of the offended woman well. She pushed Rowan’s
shoulder, making him fall on the bed. With Helia, they both attacked him by tickling him, and he
did no effort to push them away.

---

She’d been sitting there for hours now, the same beer in her hand. Her knees were bent close to
her, her arms wrapped around her legs as she stared at the pool. It was just a hole filled with water,
and yet, it was so much more for Aelin.

It was crazy how something so simple could cause so much reaction in someone.

It was nighttime now, and Aelin couldn’t move. Not that she really wanted to. She was thinking,
and she supposed it was good if she didn’t shut things down.
The door of the house opened and closed, and a second later, someone was sitting next to her. She
had expected Rowan, but it was Fenrys.

“Hey, girl,” he smiled at her, and she smiled back. “How you doing?”

She shrugged, taking a sip of her beer. “Good.”

He snorted, “Liar.”

She bit her lip, looking down for a few seconds. “I’m sorry for ruining the beginning of your
vacation.”

“They are yours as much as they are ours. I’m just worried about you, Ae. We all are. But Rowan
threatened us if we bothered you with anything.”

She chuckled, yeah, it sounded like something her boyfriend would do. “And yet, here you are.”

“I worry for my friend, that’s all.”

She took a deep breath, appreciating the warm air outside. She finished the last sip from her beer
before asking Fenrys, “Do you love Connall?”

“That’s a weird question,” he laughed, looking at her with confusion.

“Answer.”

He nodded, sure of him. “Of course, I do. I’d die for him. There’s something special between
people who were born together.”

She nodded, “Yeah, I know.”

“What do you mean?” he asked, a frown on his face.

She looked at him, and even without a mirror, she knew she looked sad. She felt like it, too. “I was
fifteen when my twin sister died. She was drunk and hit her head on the corner of a pool. I’ve
never been the same since.”

“Oh my god,” he breathed, a horrified look on his face.

“Tell Connall you love him,” she asked of her friend. “I didn’t say it enough. I regret that.”

“How do you keep going?” He asked, as if it was unimaginable to him. It was to her nine years
ago, too.

She shrugged, “I have someone to pick me up.”

After that, he said nothing. She was grateful he didn’t apologize because she never knew what to
answer when people said they were sorry about things that weren’t their fault.

He just wrapped an arm around her shoulders and held her close, and somehow that was all she
needed. The comforting embrace of a newfound friend. One that could understand her on
something that other people couldn’t.

They stayed that way for long minutes, and the door behind them opened. They turned around to
find Rowan watching them, smiling at Aelin. He looked at Fenrys and said, “The kids want you to
sing a lullaby.”
Fenrys grinned, “Of course they do. Uncle Fenrys is the best.”

Rowan slapped his friend’s shoulder on his way out, and then came to sit next to her. They both
watched the pool, the water lightened by lights underwater.

“You didn’t eat,” he said.

She shrugged, “I’m not hungry.”

“Are you going to stare at that pool for an entire week?”

She chuckled at the idea, letting her head fall onto his shoulder. She was thankful he let her be
alone for a while, she needed that to sort out her thoughts after the panic attack she had.

“I think I have some light version of PTSD,” she told Rowan, not ashamed of it. She had been
ashamed in her head when the thought first came in, but not when she told him.

“I think so, too,” he said, wrapping an arm around her shoulders and squeezing one.

“I’ll call Yrene when we get back home,” she announced. She hadn’t seen her therapist in almost
five years now, but she felt like she needed it.

He kissed the crown of her head, “I’m proud of you, Aelin.”

She smiled, the both of them falling into a comfortable silence. She enjoyed the sound of birds, of
the wind caressing leaves. This was the most at peace she ever felt, and maybe it was because of it,
or maybe it was because she always felt over-powered when Rowan was around, but she
whispered, “I think I want to go into the pool.”

He looked down at her, “Are you sure?”

She nodded, giving him a tentative smile. “Yeah.”

He nodded, and the smile he gave her… It was fucking blinding. “You can step back whenever you
want, alright?”

They got up, and Rowan helped her get rid of her shirt. His eyes darkened when he saw her breasts,
free of bra—because they were truly uncomfortable to travel on—but he didn’t comment on it. She
got rid of his shirt, and they helped each other take off their clothes.

It wasn’t sexual like it had been every single time they tore each other’s clothes apart. No, there
was something vulnerable in this gesture, as if they were letting go of the last barrier between
them.

Rowan grabbed her hand and walked them to the pool, Aelin in her panties and him in his boxers.

He went in first, walking down the first step and turning around. She swallowed, looking around
them.

She could do it. She knew she could. There was the strength to do it somewhere inside her, and
Rowan, like a magnet, helped that part of herself come to the surface.

Her breathing was fast, and yet she still put her feet in the water and joined Rowan on the first step.
He kissed her; his lips soft against hers. “I’m so proud of you.”

And the smile she had on… She was proud of herself, too.
And with every step they took deeper into the pool, Aelin’s smile brightened and brightened, while
Rowan never missed to kiss her every time she took a step.

Soon, their hips were underwater, and Rowan grabbed her thighs and wrapped them around his
waist. He held on to her, making her feel safe and cared for. And Rowan went deeper into the pool
until her shoulders were underwater, his still exposed to the air because of their slight height
difference.

Aelin held him, her arms wrapped around his neck while his hands held her on her thighs and back.
Her breasts pressed to his torso, and their forehead against the other. Their eyes weren’t closed, no.
Aelin couldn’t look away from how beautiful they looked with the night sky stars reflecting on
them.

“How do you feel?” He asked slowly.

“A little tense, but I think I’m alright,” she told him.

He smiled, and her heart fluttered at that. “You are my Fireheart,” he breathed before kissing her.
“My incredibly brave and strong Fireheart.”

Tears burned her eyes, “Fireheart?”

He nodded, “I told you I would find a little nickname for you, baby. This one is perfect.”

The way he looked at her, the way his hands grabbed her hard enough that she felt safe and yet the
touch was only comforting, the way he always found the right words to help her…

“I love you,” she breathed, the words escaping her before she could think of saying them.

But once they were out there, freed like animals in the savannah were free, Aelin couldn’t find it in
herself to regret them, not even with the fear beating in her veins. Because she meant them, she
meant them so much that she felt like she could die if she didn’t say these words.

Rowan didn’t answer, and she couldn’t read the way he looked at her. A tear escaped from his left
eye, and her thumb wiped it away gently.

“If you don’t feel ready, it’s okay, but I needed you to know,” she said, and that was the truth. She
would wait years if she had to.

Rowan captured her lips in a kiss, his tongue teasing her lips until she opened for him, and when
she did… It was mind-blowing.

He kissed her like she was air, like she was a need to him. He captured all of her attention, and she
forgot she had a body outside of her mouth. With every stroke of her tongue, Aelin silently
repeated these three words.

He was breathless when he pulled back, and he whispered onto her lips, “I love you so goddamn
much, Fireheart.”

It was her turn to shred tears, and Rowan kissed away every single one of them. She was loved.
She was loved. She was loved.

This man would never only give her half of his attention, he would never make her feel less or
make her feel like she had to be somebody else. No, around him she was Aelin. The Aelin that had
died nine years ago, the Aelin that she couldn’t be around other people. And he loved that Aelin.
And he made her love herself, too. So many years, countless nights spent hating herself, when the
remedy to everything was right there, holding her as if she was precious.
 Chapter 31

“No.”

“Come on.”

“I said no,” Rowan repeated from his seat around the round wooden table, a steaming cup of coffee
in his right hand. His hair was messy, his eyes betraying the exhaustion he felt inside.

She pouted, taking a seat next to him and gave him her best puppy eyes. Puppy eyes always
worked. Especially with Rowan. “Please, Ro. It’s fun.”

He looked at her with his head cocked to the side, doubt obvious in his eyes. She rolled hers as he
said, “No, it’s not.”

She groaned, frowning at him and stealing his cup of coffee. She was too lazy to pour herself one,
and she liked the idea of slightly annoying her boyfriend. Especially when he told her no. She
wasn’t more than the brat he always said she was. “You’re such an old man.”

He raised an eyebrow at that, leaning into her with his elbows resting on his knees and murmured
in that deep, suave voice of his, “Remind me again who had to beg me to stop fucking her this
morning because she was tired?”

Her cheeks flushed at that, at the reminder of what happened just minutes earlier. She’d woken up
with Rowan’s tongue in between her legs, pushing her to her climax twice before he kissed his way
up her body and entered her. And when he was done for the first time, it only took him a few
minutes of playing with her body with his fingers before he pushed her on her hands and knees and
fucked her from behind, and, as the insatiable man he was, he kept her body aroused after this
second time, too. Just to push into her a third time, a hand over her mouth to muffle her noises.

But she’d been too sensitive, too worked up from her previous orgasms that she gasped, begging
Rowan to stop.

“That is so out of the subject, buzzard,” she said, stopping herself from pouncing on him.

“I’m still not playing your game.”

Alright. He wanted to play hard to get? Aelin was going to rock his world. Not in the sexual way.
Not now, at least.

She climbed on his lap; her hands wrapped around the back of his neck with her eyes wide open.
She pouted, and this time she didn’t let him look away. “Please, Ro,” she asked sweetly. “It would
make me so, so, so happy.”

She would see his barriers falls to the ground. She blinked a lot, trying her best to get the reaction
she wanted. He forced himself not to accept, it was so obvious on his face. She wouldn’t let him
get away with it.

He sighed, “I hate you.”

She grinned, “You love me.”

He nodded, “Yeah, I do. Bring the tortillas.”

Aelin jumped out of his legs and cheered, jumping and letting out excited noises. She loved getting
what she wanted. Especially when it was this man giving it to her.

She walked with enthusiasm to the kitchen and grabbed everything they’d need to have fun.

Rowan looked both annoyed and horrified when she arrived with tortillas and glasses of water.
“I’m too old for that shit, Ae.”

“You’re not too old for me, so you’re not too old for my games.”

“This is gonna make a mess. I’m a father now, I’m supposed to set the example.”

She rolled her eyes, sitting in front of him. “The kids are sleeping, and we both know you’d let her
get away with anything.”

He mumbled something under his breath, but Aelin didn’t pay attention. She knew she was right.
She always was.

Aelin explained once more the rules of the game. She only saw a video on internet and thought it’d
be fun to do, so she kind of made up the rules. Rowan rolled his eyes but listened attentively, like
the good student he was.

It was amusing to the see the roles reversing.

“So…” Rowan started. “We take water into our mouth, and you want us to slap each other with
tortillas?”

He could be so full of judgment! Aelin found it hilarious. “Duh,” she rolled her eyes. “That’s until I
make you spit all your water.”

He squinted his eyes at her, “On you. I don’t see how it make me lose.”

“You’re so boring,” she rolled her eyes, standing up, “I’ll ask Fenrys if he wants to-“

She was pulled back into her chair, Rowan’s eyes dark in jealousy. That was her second method to
get what she wanted. “Hit me, AG,” he said, taking water into his mouth and grabbing a tortilla as
if he was going to war.

And so, Aelin did.

---

“Are you sure he’s sleeping?” Aelin whispered, looking at Fenrys while always keeping an eye on
the beast.

He rolled his eyes, pointing at the deckchair. “No, he’s obviously working out right now.”

And just on time, Lorcan snored from where he laid on his deckchair. Aelin slapped a hand over
her mouth to hold her laugh in. She knew it wasn’t that funny, but just the fact that she wasn’t
allowed to laugh right now made her want to do it.

“Give me the pen,” she held her hand to her friend, and he placed the black pen into her hand.

Without making any noises, Aelin walked closer to where Lorcan slept and hoovered over him,
wincing when she almost fell on him. She’d be damned if she woke him up before she could have
some fun.
She took off the pen cap and slowly brought the pen to Lorcan’s face. She bit her lips to hold back
her laugh as she traced on his tanned skin. She looked behind her to find Fenrys on the verge of
laughing too.

“What are you doing?” Someone asked from behind, their masculine voice way too loud for the
situation.

The turned around to find Vaughan and Connall looking at them. She put a pointer finger over her
mouth, “Shhhh.”

Connall raised an eyebrow, his arm wrapped around his husband’s shoulders. They look cute
together. “He’s going to kill you.”

Aelin shrugged, “He won’t even know that it’s us.”

He looked doubtful, “Sure, he will absolutely not suspect that it’s the two adults acting like
children who drew a mustache and… little bears on his face.”

She liked being called an adult by Rowan’s friends. It changed from Lorcan calling her her
boyfriend’s teenager.

She rolled her eyes, “We’ll just put that on the real kids, duh.”

She went back to her drawing, and Fenrys snorted. “See, my new best friend is a genius.”

“Braid his hair,” Vaughan said, and Fenrys almost squealed at that. What the fuck. Her blond
friend came to Lor can’s face and took strands of his hair and started braiding them, while she
turned around with a questioning look on her face.

“Lorcan hates having his hair braided, we don’t know why. He just runs away every time Helia
tries to do it.”

Aelin smirked, knowing that she was the one to teach Helia how to braid hair. That girl was
awesome.

Aelin: 1.

Lorcan: 0.

She snickered and drew a big, big dog face on his left cheek. He was going to be livid, and Aelin
lived for that.

“Do I even want to ask?” A feminine voice came from next to Vaughan and Connall, and Fenrys
and Aelin turned around to see Elide standing next to the couple with rowan on her left, both
having a beer in their hand.

She threw a look at Fenrys, and his gaze said the same thing as hers. Uh-oh. Elide was the scary
one in their relationship, not the big beast laying on his back beneath Aelin and Fenrys’ hands.

“No, you don’t,” Fenrys smiled seductively at Elide, trying his own technique to push her away.

Aelin rolled her eyes at his antics. “I’m just letting my artistic side come out, Elide, you should be
happy since you’re the artist in this house.”

She huffed a laugh and shook her head, leaving to go to the pool with the kids. Aelin sneakered.
Too easy.
“Ae,” her boyfriend said, with a warning in his voice.

She smiled sweetly at him, “Yes, my love?”

“Don’t forget the other cheek,” he said, kissing her cheek before joining Helia, Elide and Loren.

Gods, she loved that man.

---

The food had been delicious, as it always was when Rowan cooked. She didn’t know that having a
boyfriend who had cooking skills would affect her so much, but Aelin loved it.

She loved having her stomach full, never lacking anything and never fearing to eat something bad.
Except when he cooked anything that came from the sea. Aelin couldn’t even see seafood without
gagging.

She had to beg him today to not cook fish, and it only took her hand caressing his bare torso—the
weather too hot for any of these guys to wear a short, while Elide and Aelin hung out in bathing
suits—a little too close to the hem of his bathing shorts.

He gave her a dark gaze and pinned her to the kitchen counter and kissed her with fervor.

When his hand gazed the side of her breast over her bathing suit, she slid away from him, leaving
him hot and bothered.

She wouldn’t have sex anywhere other than in a bedroom now. No more kitchen sex, never. Not
after the last time. And if Rowan has a problem with that, he can take it with his friend.

She sat next to Elide, with Rowan on her other side. He had an arm on the back of her chair, his
fingers tracing random patterns on her shoulder. He was deep in conversation about an intervention
with Connall and Vaughan, and Aelin could see he was happy.

Lorcan had given him the authorization to start surgery again once they were back from their little
trip, his hand healed enough. He wasn’t talking about it, but she knew he couldn’t wait.

Surgery was a part of him, something he loved. She was sure he didn’t even consider it as a job, it
was just something that he did because he lived for the trill of it.

She wished she had something like that, something that made her live for it and fucking excited to
wake up every morning for that thing.

She didn’t. And she was sad about it.

Everyone around this table, with the exception of the two toddlers and Aelin, lived for their
passion, they lived for something. Aelin was almost twenty-four, and she was still looking for that.

Rowan kissed her cheek in between two sentences, the action so… normal. She liked that they
didn’t have to hide, that she didn’t have to pretend he was only Professor Whitethorn.

She bit her lip, looking at his side. He was so, so beautiful. How did she end up here? How did she
start the year as a newly single woman, who had been cheated on, to end up on this very trip and
loved by this very man?

Sometimes it felt like a dream. Like it was too good to be true. Like something bad was lurking
away from the sunshine their love radiated for now.
He placed a hand on his thigh, and he almost jerked when he felt how high she was touching him.
Aelin said nothing, showed no reaction as she kept her conversation with Elide going.

And yet, her hand kept moving higher and higher, her fingertips gazing his erection but never fully
touching him.

Alright, she didn’t want to risk public sex. But she supposed public teasing was fine. It was
hilarious, even. He didn’t spare her a glance, probably didn’t want to risk it. His hand roughly
grabbed her wrist, pushing her hand away.

She smirked, liking this little game between the two of them. Aelin’s gaze found Lorcan, and she
couldn’t help it, she laughed. The sound deep and joyful.

He let his silverware drop on the table, looking at her with a look she was getting used to, now.
“It’s been five times you looked at me and laughed. What the fuck is your problem?”

“Bad word, Uncle Lorcan!” Helia said, and Aelin swore she could have kissed the girl’s feet for
that. Not that Aelin didn’t use fouler language than him. She just really, really disliked his guts.

“I have no problem,” she said, seating deeper in her seat. Fenrys snorted then, and Aelin fought
against her own laugh. The kids joined when they looked at Lorcan’s face, and Aelin was
surprised they hadn’t snitched yet.

Surprisingly, Aelin even heard Vaughan’s soft laugh, and she knew that Rowan’s lips would be
pulled into a smile if she looked his way.

Really, she could congratulate herself for not pissing herself in amusement. Not when Lorcan has
been blissfully unaware of the drawings on his face ever since he woke up.

“You clearly do, because my face cannot be that funny, Galathynius.”

“Ashryver Galathynius,” she corrected. “And I believe you have very amusing features. Maybe
that’s why Elide bothered to give you the time of the day.”

Her friend laughed, “You’re cruel, Ae.”

She rolled her eyes, “Hardly. This is me being… nice.”

“I don’t think you know the definition of nice,” Lorcan almost spat, and Aelin’s back straightened.

“Hey,” Rowan stopped him, even before Aelin could defend herself. And if his touch is always fire
on her skin, his eyes only radiate coldness when he look at his friend.

She doesn’t need his defense, she knew that, but it felt good. Only sometimes, though.

Loren giggled, “Your face, Uncle Lor.”

He frowned and stood, walking to the mirror in the entryway.

Aelin bit her lips, looking at Fenrys with a malicious gaze in their eyes, and the way Lorcan let out
a horrified sound… Aelin couldn’t hold it back in.

She and Fenrys stood out of their chair at the same time, and they both ran away into the garden
far, far away from Lorcan. Fenrys jumped into the pool, while Aelin sat beside it and grabbed one
of Loren’s water guns, ready to defend herself against Lorcan.
---

Aelin was relaxing by the side of the pool, reading one of her steamy romances while tanning.
Rowan laid beside her; his head thrown back as if he was sleeping, but she knew his body enough
to know that he was awake.

Surprising her, a very wet Helia threw herself on Aelin, laying on her. She was breathless, as if
she’d run a marathon. It wasn’t too far from reality, considering how taxing the kid’s game in the
pool was.

Rowan raised his head, looking at Helia with a raised eyebrow, and Aelin held her hand, silently
asking for her bookmark. Thankfully, Aelin’s book had escaped all the water Helia had splashed
her with.

“What is it, pumpkin?” Aelin asked.

The little girl panted, only in her bikini bottom which was a pretty shade of green. “Sunscreen
time.”

Aelin smiled, appreciating that the girl took her skin’s protection seriously. Vaughan and Connall
had to physically tear Loren away from the pool to apply cream on him.

She was fidgeting, excited to go back to her game. Aelin used her towel to dry her skin and then
started applying the cream on her skin. Aelin asked her if she didn’t want Rowan to do it instead,
she didn’t want to cross any boundaries for the little girl. She only shook her head and told Aelin to
hurry.

She laughed, and Rowan kissed her shoulder when she applied the lotion on his daughter’s skin.
She was already tanning, much, much faster than Aelin.

But to be fair, she had almost the same brown skin as Rowan, just a little lighter, but by the end of
the day, she would be the same shade as her father.

When she was done, Aelin gave her a tap on the shoulder and said, “All done, buttercup.”

She rose instantly, and held her hand to Aelin, “You coming?”

She swallowed, hesitating for a second. She went into the pool yesterday, but things were calm, and
it was with Rowan. She looked at him, and he smiled, as if he could see and feel the fear rising in
her.

Aelin nodded, grabbing Helia’s hand. The girl was already gone, excited to have a new person to
play with.

Aelin turned to Rowan, grabbing her sunglasses on the little table next to his deckchair. She bent to
kiss him, a hand holding herself low on his stomach, almost too low. She grinned as he sucked in a
breath, and she winked before laying her lips on his.

She went for the pool but before that, Rowan spanked her ass. She turned around; an eyebrow
raised. Rowan only winked, and showed his middle finger to his left side, where Lorcan was
watching them. Aelin replicated the gesture and went into the pool with Helia.

---

Aelin liked looking at herself in the mirror. It took years, but she finally started loving what she
saw in the relaxion. She had a theory that it was because she was happy now, that she finally let go
of all the bad memories her body represented.

Whatever it was, she was grateful.

Their second day of vacation had been nice, relaxing. She was slowly adoring the feeling of being
in plain sight with Rowan, and she knew that he felt the same.

Maybe she should quit school. She’d be able to be with Rowan in the open then. Even if there was
still the problem of him being her father’s employee.

She smirked into the mirror when she observed the red, lacy and tight lingerie covering her curves.
Her entire day had been having fun with Helia, Fenrys and Elide and, also, teasing Rowan.

She couldn’t count how many times she winked at him, how she kept her gaze on him when she
wiped the side of her mouth clean, how she pretended to lose her bikini top in the water and asked
him to help her.

He hadn’t said anything, but from the way he looked at her the entire day… Rowan wouldn’t let
that go. Good.

She came out of the bathroom, only in her underwear. Rowan, who was on the bed, looked at her
and stopped for a second. She winced, apologizing and running to her suitcase. “I forgot my
nightgown, sorry, baby.”

She wasn’t sorry at all, and she hadn’t forgotten anything. It was all in her plans. Rowan probably
knew that, but Aelin kept pretending to be innocent.

She grabbed a red nightgown and started walking back to the bathroom under his heated gaze, until
two broad and strong hands took her at the waist and threw her on the bed.

She had her hands pinned over her head, her legs spread and Rowan laying over her in the blink of
a second.

Rowan roamed her entire body with his dark eyes, the green almost entirely gone. “You think me
stupid, baby?”

She shook her head, slightly biting her bottom lip and widening her eyes just slightly. “I would
never.”

He chuckled, his hot breath breaking goosebumps all over her skin when he dipped his head to kiss
her neck. She moltened like pouty into the bed, Rowan knew how sensitive her neck was.

He pressed himself against her, letting her feel how aroused he was. She almost moaned when she
felt him, hard and ready against her through his shorts and her panties.

She breathed his name, and she could feel a smile forming on his lips. She turned her head to the
side, leaving him more space to kiss.

She kissed up her body, his hot breath eating her ear when he whispered, “Did you have fun teasing
me?”

“Yes,” she answered, almost breathless. “Did you like it?”

He groaned, pressing his hips harder against her, “I don’t know, baby. Did I?”
She closed her eyes, and then Rowan whispered words that had her entire body heating, her back
aching and heart bursting out of her chest. “I’m going to tie you up, and I’m going to fuck you like
the brat you are. Is that what you want?”

She nodded, toes curling against the bedsheets.

He chuckled darkly, and a few seconds after, his warmth left her. She opened her eyes, afraid that
he was gone and left her aroused. But he was just there, grabbing something from his suitcase. He
must have sensed her distress for a second, because with a belt in hand, he kissed her sweetly and
pushed her down into the mattress. He kept kissing her, easing her in the mood.

Aelin always melted under his touch, under his warmth. Outside of their bed, she could pretend all
she wanted that she liked the control, that she could do everything all on her own. The truth was
that she could, but ever since she found Rowan, she knew she could do more.

Slowly he grabbed her hands, pinning them over her head. He stood over her, his knees on either
side of her chest as he tied his belt into a knot, her hands captured in the process. When he was
done, he instructed her to press against the knot, and it didn’t move.

He smiled, proud of himself of the fucking knot maybe. Or he just enjoyed the sight of her tied up
on a bed. He explained what to do if she wanted to get rid of the belt in one movement, and Aelin
appreciated his carefulness. He asked her if she remembered the code.

She nodded, “Red for stop. Green for go. Yellow for slowdown.”

He smiled down at her, his thumb tracing her lips. “Good girl. My good girl.”

Heat enveloped her at the petname, and she slightly opened her mouth, letting him in. His eyes
darkened, and he pushed his thumb in her mouth.

She never broke eye contact, not even as she closed her lips around his finger and played with it
with her tongue.

Rowan’s free hand lowered his shorts, and her lips parted when he revealed his hardened member.
He grinned, grabbing himself and without asking, she raised her head, sticking her tongue out and
licking the precum leaking from his tip.

He growled, grabbed the back of her head and entered her mouth with his cock. Aelin moaned
around him, her eyes closing as she used her tongue to play with the underside of his member.

He thrusted into her mouth, setting a quick pace. He whispered naughty, private things. Things that
had her blushing, clenching.

He told her how pretty she looked with him between her lips, how good her throat was, how much
he wanted her.

But before he could come, and Aelin knew he was close, he pulled out and kneeled in between her
own legs.

He traced over her folds over her panties, and she moaned softly. It wasn’t the kid’s room next to
theirs, but it was Elide and Lorcan’s. She wasn’t in the mood to give the bastard yet another show.

He kissed her stomach and guided her panties down her legs. He forced them open, enough for
Aelin to blush at how exposed she was to him.
“You’re the prettiest woman I’ve ever seen, you know that?” He asked her, eyes on her lips. Just
not the ones on her face.

She squirmed, raising her hips a little, hoping that he would catch the hint, but he didn’t. Instead,
his thumb dipping into her folds. She cried out, her eyes closing, and her head thrown back.

Rowan clicked his tongue, “I can’t have you making noises. These are just for me, Ae.”

“I’m so sorry,” she breathed, feeling him leave the bed.

A second later, she sat next to her face and made her raise her head, he passed a tie between her lips
and tied it at the back of her head. He gagged her.

He fucking gagged her, and Aelin couldn’t stop clenching around nothing.

“If you want to stop, clap your hands.” He told her, and she nodded. “Show me.”

She did and he kissed her nose, whispered, “Good girl.”

Her eyes closed shut, and she took a deep breath when he settled again in between her legs. He
kissed her inner thigh, the short hair over his face ticking her in the best way, until he reached her
mount.

He buried his face in her, and Aelin moaned loudly, most of her noises caught by the material of
the tie.

His tongue lapped at her, catching her clit and circling it. Her entire body arced, her breathing
struggling to stay even. Her hands grabbed the belt, tightening their hold on the object.

If that was how he punished her, Aelin would make it her daily mission to tease him to death.

He slid a finger inside her, still playing with his mouth on her as if he was a starved man. Her legs
tightened around his face, but he didn’t let that go. He pushed them, forcing them to stay parted
and open.

Aelin was almost doing all the work, her hips moving in a way that made her almost ride his face.
She was so close, still sensitive from this morning.

Rowan felt that, and he quickened his pace, pushing her to the blink of an orgasm before stopping,
leaving her cold.

She whined, wiggling her hips to show him the way. He chuckled, amused by the situation. “Did
you think it’d be that easy?”

She couldn’t speak, couldn’t snark back with the tie in her mouth. Instead, she whined again,
raising her hips. She needed him to make her come.

Rowan went back at it, grabbing her hips and devouring her, his teeth nipping at her clit.

It was quicker to bring her to the edge of a climax this time, and just when she could taste it, he
pulled away.

She clenched around nothing; her senses overwhelmed. She needed him, needed him to finish her
like he always did.

Tears ran down her face now, and Rowan kissed them away. “Shh,” he whispered. “It’s okay
baby.”

“Please,” she tried to say over the tie.

He kissed her cheek and kissed his way down her body, nipped at her lace-covered nipples. Her
cheeks flushed when he went down on her again and stopped again. And a fourth time.

By the fifth time, Aelin was sobbing, begging him to let her come. Even if he couldn’t hear her,
she knew that he got the message.

“Will you be good for me, baby?”

She nodded urgently, her eyes pleading. I need you, I need you, I need you, they were chanting.

He licked her, and this time while she begged him, he didn’t stop. He sent her into a blinding
climax, her entire body shaking.

When she came back to her senses, Rowan was kissing her entire body, the tie taken away from her
mouth. But she was still tied up.

“You did so good for me baby,” he whispered, still between her parted legs.

She wrapped her legs around his waist, the only part of her body she still had control over.

He moaned at the same time as she did, his hardness against her softness. Her lips opened for
Rowan, coating him in her wetness.

They both looked down, at his cock against her. He was as breathless as she was, and he slowly
looked into her eyes as he wrapped a hand around the base of his cock.

He traced the length of her sex with his rosy tip, and Aelin couldn’t look away. He caught her clit,
pressing on it. She threw her head back, bulking her hips.

“Please, Ro,” she begged, unashamed, as she tried to have him slip inside of her.

“Baby,” he panted, his tip teasing her entrance.

“Oh, my gods.” she looked down, the vision turning her on. “Please, please baby. I need you in me
right now.”

“Condom,” he breathed, but she shook her head.

“I want you, only you,” she admitted. “Please, Ro.”

He knew what she was begging for. Him, bare inside her. He’s never been inside her without a
condom, and she didn’t know before now that it was a kink she had.

But she wanted him to claim her in the dirtiest way possible, leaving a trace of himself deep inside
her.

He shook his head, but he didn’t stop playing with his tip and her clit. “We can’t take the risk.”

“I’ll take plan B tomorrow,” she told him. “Please, Ro, I want you to fill me up.”

His eyes darkened at that, and he looked deep into her eyes when he pushed inside her. She
moaned, and so did he. His head fell into the crook of her neck. He panted as he buried himself to
the hilt, and surprise took over when he kissed her as if his life depended on it.

They didn’t usually kiss during sex, at least never for long. They did it a lot before and after, but
usually, they were too taken into pleasure to use their lips.

But Rowan was throwing himself in this kiss, as if he’d been waiting for long to have her without
any barrier between them. “Fuck, baby,” he panted. “You feel so good, I love you so much.”

She nodded, unable to talk right now. It got worse when Rowan pulled out and thrust back into her.
She gasped then, one of his hands covering her mouth. Rowan set a punishing pace, and she could
do nothing else than rock her hips back into his. Aelin’s cheeks were stained with tears, the good
ones. The ones that showed how overwhelmed and sensitive she was.

Rowan got closer to his peak, and it was admirable that he hadn’t climaxed already. “Can I come in
you, Aelin?”

She nodded, “Please, please,” she breathed, so, so close to her own peak. “I need to feel you deep in
me, Ro.”

He groaned at that, his pace quickening. After one last, strong thrust, Rowan buried himself deep in
her and came, two of his fingers slipping between their bodies and pinching her clit.

Aelin’s vision turned white at that, and she wasn’t aware of anything else other than the waves of
pleasure hitting her one by one.

He was being covered in kisses everywhere when her orgasm faded, and the way Rowan looked at
her… It brought tears to her eyes; these ones full of emotions. “I love you so much, Aelin,” he
breathed, kissing her.

“Baby,” that was the only thing she could say, her hands still tied over her head. Rowan looked up
at her hands and he didn’t untie her, no, his gaze darkened.

She couldn’t go for another round, not after how earthshattering this coupling at been, not after this
morning…

And when she thought he was going to ask for more, he surprised her by asking, “Can I take a
picture of you?”

She chocked, “Like that?”

He nodded, his eyes darkening. “I’ll keep the pictures safe; I promise. I just… I want to remember
you. Like that.”

She couldn’t help but find the idea arousing, so she nodded. Rowan kissed her ravishing her lips.

At first, he took her face in a picture, with his thumb in between her lips. Then, he took her entire
body, almost naked if it wasn’t for her bra. And then, the picture that made her blush, Rowan
parted her legs and took a picture of what was in between.

After that, he untied her, caressing and massaging her sore wrists. She could have marks on her
skin for a few days. She liked that idea. Rowan had claimed her in more ways than one.
 Chapter 32

Aelin was alone in the bed when she woke up, a fact that she was painfully aware of when she
stirred, trying to find her boyfriend’s body and instead, she just found his side of the bed empty and
cold.

A quick glance at the time of the day told her that he must have been awoken for hours now. He
was such an early bird. Sometimes Aelin was, but usually after he got his way with her the night
before, she tended to sleep more.

She was sore when she stood from the bed, and she promised to curse Rowan out for it when she
saw him. Not that he didn’t take care of her yesterday, she knew that her soreness would be worse
if he just went to sleep instead.

She grabbed one of his shirts and threw it over her head, covering her body as she walked to the
bathroom.

First, she tried to fix the mess her hair had become. She winced every time her hairbrush hit a
tangle, but she couldn’t just walk downstairs looking like she’d been attacked by a puma.

When her hair was looking better, she grabbed her toothbrush and wetted it, before putting
toothpaste on it and bringing it to her mouth.

It was at that moment that the room opened, letting in an already dressed Rowan. She did her best
to smile at him with the object in her mouth. He kissed her forehead, placing a shopping bag next
to the sink.

She frowned, looking up at him still brushing. “Plan B,” he explained, and she felt her cheeks
heat.

She’d beg him to not use protection yesterday, because it was something that turned her on. That
had been so, so irresponsible. She knew that.

She couldn’t imagine herself with a baby, nor could she even see herself pregnant. At least, for
now. She was too young, too uncertain about everything in life.

And quite frankly. Aelin was afraid of becoming like her parents. And she couldn’t do that to a
child. She just… couldn’t.

She spat in the sink and smiled, “Thank you.”

“You might feel nauseous but it’s normal. It also might mess with your menstruation, either
pushing them early or late.”

She smiled into the mirror, saying before she started brushing her teeth again, “Thanks, Doc.”

He grinned and stayed right where he was, looking at her doing the most mundane of tasks. She
liked being watched by him. But she liked everything that turned around Rowan, so it probably
didn’t mean a lot. She still enjoyed it.

But slowly his soft face turned into a frown, and he said, “We’ve been having sex regularly for two
months, now. You didn’t get your period once.”
She spat the toothpaste in the sink and rinsed her mouth before saying, “I take tests every two
weeks. I’m not pregnant, Ro.”

He seemed to breathe a little easier at that, his face less pale. “Why?”

She took a deep breath and washed her hands, “I just don’t get my period. So, I take tests to make
sure I know what’s up with my body.”

Rowan’s face returned to one of concern and worry. “What do you mean you don’t get your
period?”

Aelin chuckled a little uncomfortably, drying her hands before turning around to face him, “I don’t
think there’s another way to phrase it, buzzard.”

“You never got them?”

“Damn,” she laughed, looking around the room and held her eyes on one of the shelves. “Are you
my doctor now?”

He moved, not letting her look away from him. Damn, he could be annoying knowing her so well.
That wasn’t fair.

“Answer the question, Ae.”

She shrugged. “I got my period when I was thirteen. Pretty regular and then one day it stopped
when I was fifteen. Now I get them like every five or six months. That’s it, buzzard. No big deal.”

“You do realize it is a big deal?”

She raised an eyebrow, “I know it’s not the norm, but I also know I’m not hurting or anything shit
like that. So, no, Rowan, it’s not a big deal.”

“It’s your health we’re talking about. Have you ever seen a doctor for that?”

“What for?”

He blinked, surprised by that answer. She didn’t know why he was. Aelin just didn’t go to doctors
regularly; she didn’t even think she did when she was a kid. Her parents always took care of that.
“You told someone, at least? Your parents?”

She snorted, “Yeah, sure, I barely talk to my parents but I went to them and asked for advice for my
periods.”

He looked at her, cocking his head to the side. Alright, she was making fun of him now. But he
was making this so much bigger than it actually was. Alright, she didn’t get her period often, and?
It meant more sex; less pain and she was careful about it.

There was no reason to worry, and there was no reason for him to absolutely want to talk about it.

“When’s the last time you saw an OBGYN?”

She bit her lips, and it was his answer. She never went to see one. His eyes were wide, and she felt
the need to explain herself, “I never needed it.”

“I think you did the moment you realized your periods were gone, Ae.”
She rolled her eyes, “Is it because you’re scared I’ll get pregnant and we won’t see it? That’s why I
take so many tests, Ro. There won’t be any accidents. And even if there was, I’d take care of it.”

He looked taken aback by that, “You’d get an abortion?”

Her laugh was sour. She didn’t like how that morning turned. “Of course, I would. Ro, I’m twenty-
three, I have no prospects in my life. It seems obvious what I would do.”

“No, no. I know that. And you know I’d support you in that. I just didn’t know you already thought
about it.”

“I didn’t,” she said.

“So, you don’t want kids?” He asked. She should have known it was coming. They couldn’t be in a
relationship and not talk about these things.

“I-I don’t know. Maybe later, when I’m settled. After years of therapy so I don’t end like my
parents. Yeah, maybe then. But not now.”

He nodded, taking it in, and she asked, “Do you want more kids?”

“Yeah, I do,” he said.

They didn’t talk about how she was younger than him. How she had more time than him to talk
about it. Sure, men could procreate their entire life, but after a certain point their chances still
decreased.

“This is not where I thought this conversation was going,” he said. She was glad he was feeling the
same way as she did. She didn’t really want to brush that subject more. Not now. It felt too…
much. “I’m just worried for you, baby. Please, let me ask Fenrys for an appointm—”

“No.” She cut short this idea.

His eyes were near pleading. He worried too much. But it wasn’t surprising. Not with his history.

“Fen isn’t even technically an OBGYN. Just… leave it be, Ro. Please.”

“He studied these issues, Aelin. He knows more than I do about women’s health. Just—”

“I said no,” she snapped, done with that conversation. “I won’t change my mind. I lived well with it
for years, and I still will once this conversation is over. Respect that, please.”

He frowned, and Aelin was unsure whether he would let it go. He wasn’t the type to listen to her
and leave her with her choices if he thought they were bad.

“I won’t talk about it for a while, only if you promise to think about seeing someone.”

It was a compromise. One she didn’t want to agree to, but she still did. Nodding and sighing. She
wouldn’t get a better deal; she was aware of that.

—-

“You’re already wearing your loser face,” Aelin purred at Lorcan as he walked down the beach
with a little bucket, probably going to get some water.

His only answer was flipping her off, and Aelin snickered. She looked over to where Fenrys and
his family were, and he was also laughing, having watched the situation.

“Aelin,” Helia snapped, and the woman turned around to face her, a little surprised at the tone. “No
games. This is a competition.”

It was Rowan’s turn to laugh, a little green plastic shovel in his hand as he gathered sand in his
own bucket. Aelin was helping Helia to construct their castle, while Rowan provided material.

Maybe she could be a housewife, provided for by her incredible boyfriend. One second after the
thought struck her, she shook her head. That’s not something she could personally do. She enjoyed
doing things on her own too much for that.

No bashing to housewives, of course. It wasn’t something Aelin could do.

“Sorry,” Aelin mumbled under her breath, perfectly scowled by a toddler. What happened to her in
the last year?

They were in the midst of an eventful sandcastle competition. There were three teams. The first one
was Loren, Connall, Vaughan and Fenrys. The second one was Lorcan and Elide. And the last
team, and the best, was Rowan, Helia and Aelin.

Too much testosterone in the first team. The second one had Lorcan, so it automatically lost. Their
own team was the best. With the most estrogen, too.

So true, her boyfriend was the real feminist here. Always around women.

Helia, on the other hand, was bossy. The word was created for her, and there was no exaggeration
in that.

She had the will to absolutely crush her uncles and cousin at that game, and she was bossing
around both Rowan and Aelin to accomplish just that.

Rowan took it like a champ, probably used to it. In reality, he is the one that probably made Helia
that way. He could be bossy at times.

She pushed last night away from her mind and focused on the task at hand. Her hands were buried
in sand, her forearms the future tunnels under the castle. Helia threatened her if she messed up this
mission.

The girl sighed, grabbing a bucket and standing up. Rowan grabbed her hand, stopping her and
asking, “You can’t leave like that. Where are you going?”

She looked at him with an eyebrow raised, as if him looking away from his work was a crime.
Gods help Helia’s teachers and classmate at school.

She showed the empty bucket to her dad, “Getting water, of course.”

Rowan eyed the beach warily. There weren't too many people, which was the exact reason why
they picked that beach to spend the day instead of the one close to their house.

“Alright,” he said, letting go of her little, thin arm. “Stay where I can see you, alright?”

She sighed. Actually sighed. Aelin couldn’t hold back her snort, and Rowan, knowing it wasn’t
malicious or from any disrespect only shook his head, the corner of his lips tilted up. “Yes, dada.”

“She is-,” Aelin started.

“I know,” Rowan breathed, not even letting Aelin finish was she was about to say. She was bossy.

“On the other hand, she’s right. Our castle is rad.”

“Rad?” Rowan asked, his eyebrows raised as if he was saying, seriously?

She shrugged, “What? I’m young.”

He rolled his eyes, “That joke about my age is getting old, Aelin.”

She bit her lips, her grin huge on her face as she said, “So are you, buzzard.”

He chuckled, his head falling back and his eyes closing. Aelin admired him, the little wrinkles on
his skin formed by his laugh, his white teeth, with slightly elongated canines.

“I love you,” she said, and he looked up, a soft smile on his face.

He grabbed the back of her head and kissed her, she sighed into the kiss, still enjoying and amazed
at the freedom they had here. She couldn’t hold him with her hands under the sand, but she pressed
her lips harder against his.

Kissing Rowan always left her breathless, always did something in her stomach that was addictive.
If she could physically lose herself in him, she would.

They broke apart, and the two of them wore a silly smile as they kept their forehead against the
other, just enjoying the moment.

“It’s your birthday tomorrow,” he said.

“Don’t remind me.”

He pulled back a little, a frown on his face. He could get permanent wrinkles if he didn’t stop
frowning so damn much. “You’re not happy about it.”

It was a complicated situation, he knew that. Aelin loved herself, and a moment to celebrate herself
should be her favorite day of the year, but it used to belong to someone else, too. “I’ll tell you
tomorrow.”

Rowan turned his head to check on Helia, but without even touching him, she felt him freeze.

Her body mirrored his reaction, and she turned around to look toward the water, where she didn’t
see Helia. Rowan stood, and Aelin followed, not caring about how she just ruined the fucking
sandcastle.

She turned around, looking further away on the beach but she didn’t see any curly silver hair. Oh,
gods. Fucking, rutting gods. Where was she?

She put a hand on Rowan’s shoulder, but he probably didn’t even feel it, he started running toward
the water, probably looking for her.

“Helia?” Aelin nearly screamed, looking all around her.

They didn’t look away more than three seconds, she swore that. Fuck, fuck, fuck. She should have
gone for the water, or maybe Rowan should have.

“What is it?” Someone behind her asked, but she didn’t answer. Instead, she screamed Helia’s
name again.

She threw a glance toward Rowan, he was knee deep in water, also calling his daughter’s name.
Tears were burning in her eyes when someone grabbed her by the shoulder and forced them to look
at her.

Elide was the one who did that, with everyone else behind her. “What’s going on?”

Aelin was breathless. Panic acted like an old lover, slowly caressing up her stomach until it gripped
her throat, stopping her breathing. “Can you see Helia?”

She didn’t need to say more for them to start dispersing on the beach, all colling Helia’s name.
Connall took Loren on his shoulders, holding him close.

Aelin ran to Rowan, fear crippling in her. What if she’s gone? What if they looked away for too
long and she drowned?

What if water had claimed yet another person Aelin loved?

No, no, no. She refused that it would happen. She screamed Helia’s name, walking a little further
on the right from Rowan to cover more ground.

They would find her. They had to, because if she lost the little girl… Aelin would blame herself
every second of her life for it. She was the one that said something that made Rowan kiss her. She
was the one who talked to him whilst he looked after his daughter.

“HELIA!” Aelin yelled at the same time as Rowan.

If she fell under water, if anything happened, someone would have seen it. The beach wasn’t
crowded but people were still present, they were still in the goddamn water.

People around them were looking at them, and Aelin just wanted them to get up and look for the
girl with them, but she knew they wouldn’t. Just like no one had jumped into the pool before Aelin
arrived that night. They watch, always passive and never in the action.

Rowan grabbed her hand, eyes as terrified as hers.

Something yellow caught her eyes a little further away on the beach, and Aelin started running
toward that place, Rowan on her heels.

Her lungs filled with air again when she saw Helia’s puffy face, and yet worry didn’t left her when
she heard the girl’s heavy sobs. She tried to run for Rowan and Aelin, but an old woman with a
kind face put her hand on her shoulder and stopped her.

They were close enough for Aelin to hear Helia say, “My parents.”

Automatically, the woman’s hand lifted from her shoulder, and she ran. Aelin kneeled into the
sand, her knees burning because of the friction, but Helia threw herself on Aelin a second later. She
wrapped her arms around the girl, holding her close. Never again. Never again.

Rowan wrapped his arms around the two of them, covering Helia’s face with kisses. She was still
crying heavily, and Aelin noticed blood on her when she let go to hug Rowan.

Aelin stayed close to them, her arms around the two people she loved as Rowan asked, “What
happened, Lia?”
It was the first time she heard hi use a nickname for her.

“Are you her parents?” The old lady asked, and Aelin looked up at her kind, brown face.

“I’m—”

“Yes,” Helia sniffed, stopping Aelin from explaining. Not that she really had to, it was more for…
respect. She didn’t want to take Lyria’s place in the girl’s life.

“She fell,” the woman explained, “My little grandson was there, and she was crying and said she
couldn’t find you. I think the water flow pushed her too far from you. I was about to stop her legs
from bleeding and then ask a lifeguard for help.”

“Thank you,” Rowan said, his voice rough. He kept Helia close, and Aelin already knew that
tonight they would sleep all together.

“Thank you so much,” Aelin repeated, smiling at the woman and her grandson. Without him,
maybe Helia could have drowned.

Never again.

“Do you need any help for her hurts?” She asked, holding antiseptic in her hands. Rowan stood
with Helia’s legs wrapped around his waist.

Aelin shook her head, a hand on Helia’s back to stroke her until she calmed down. “Thank you, but
it won’t be necessary. Our family is full of doctors.”

She chuckled, “She’s in good hands, then.”

Aelin nodded. She was more fit to do the conversation. She had been terrified, but she supposed to
was nothing compared to what Rowan felt in these long seconds, it barely even lasted more than
three minutes.

“Is there anything we can do to repay—”

“Don’t,” she held her hand to say no. “It was nothing.”

Rowan and Aelin thanked the woman again and wished her a good day before walking back to
where their stuff was. Aelin ran ahead, telling the guys that they’d find Helia.

They all look relieved and Elide hugged Aelin close at the news. Maybe it was because they were
both terrified, or maybe it was because Elide knew, deep down, that this situation could trigger
something inside her.

But all Aelin felt was relief, and happiness. She didn’t lose Helia. Rowan didn’t lose her either. She
still had time with the two of them, and doom’s day wasn’t there yet.

All her uncles kissed Helia or hugged her close, and it was just at that moment that it hit her.
Tensions rose lately between all these people, most of them because of her, but they were a real
family. The kind of family that didn’t let things stop them from loving each other, the kind of
family that could disagree and yet still be there for one another.

Rowan let go of Helia, putting her on her feet. The girl’s bottom lip wobbled when she saw the
state of their sandcastle, and Aelin felt guilty. But she didn’t have time to be careful when fear took
over as quickly as it did earlier.
“Lia, I’m so sor—”

“Look at that!” Loren screamed from behind, and Aelin had enough time to turn around and see
him jump on his own sandcastle, destroying it and leaving it in a worse state than Helia’s.

She giggled, and as if they could talk in each other’s mind, both ran and crashed on Elide’s and
Lorcan’s creation.

---

“Whatcha doing?” Connall asked, walking into the open kitchen/living room.

She looked up and saw that he was talking to her. “Studying,” she mumbled, glaring angrily at
Rowan who was cooking. “Because some a-holes decided to give us exams the day right after
spring break.”

Her boyfriend only laughed, and she rolled her eyes. At that moment, she hated him. She didn’t
want to study. She only wanted to drink a glass of wine and enjoy the show of her boyfriend
cooking.

Life was so, so unfair.

Connall took a seat in front of her, but angled it in a way that didn’t turn his back of Rowan.
Vaughan joined them too, with Lorcan. Fenrys and Elide were outside, playing with the kids by the
pool.

“How’s Ro as a teacher?” Vaughan asked, a secret smile on his features. He looked youngest than
all of them. “I always wondered how he never killed one of his students.”

Rowan flipped him off from his place in the kitchen, Lorcan chuckling and drinking from his beer
next to Rowan. They exchanged a couple of words, and even if Aelin hated the man’s guts, she
was happy that him and her boyfriend could talk.

“Well, I’m biased. So is he, because I think I’ve only been yelled at once,” she said.

“You fucking deserved it,” he said, taking a sip from his drink.

She rolled her eyes, “You didn’t even know I was drunk when you yelled at me in front of
everyone.”

He looked at her, his gaze heating her skin. “You disrupted my class.”

“You came in class drunk?” Connall asked, surprised.

She cringed, “I did have an excuse. And I promise, I’m a good student.”

Thankfully, he didn’t ask what her excuse was. She could talk about Celaena just fine now, but
maybe not to crowds.

“Anyway,” she went on. “My friend Lysandra would call him a hot prick. To Dorian, he’s just a
bastard. But his class is the one we all score the best. That’s the kind of teacher he is.”

Connall barked a laugh, “Yeah, sounds like Whitethorn. It’s a miracle you even wanted him with
all his layers of prickness.”

She laughed at the made-up word and rolled her eyes, “I would think like Lysandra if I hadn’t met
him before he was my teacher.”

Vaughan raised an eyebrow, “When did you meet then?”

She looked up at Rowan, and he nodded, giving her the authorization to tell their story. Or a part of
it, at least. “On my birthday four years ago,” she said. “Or four years ago tomorrow. It was at one
of my parents parties, and we automatically clicked. Then we saw each other again at the
beginning of the semester.”

She could see Lorcan listening to them carefully, as curious as his two other friends.

“Wait,” Connall started. “Lyria only di-“

“Yes, she did,” Rowan cut him before he could voice the end of his thought. “Nothing happened
that night. I did not cheat.”

“I don’t think anyone would have blamed you if you did,” Lorcan said, surprising the shit out of
Aelin.

Rowan took a deep breath, but he didn’t answer. It was becoming easier to talk about Lyria, but
like for Aelin with Celaena, it took time and baby steps were the hardest. He didn’t shut out the
conversation, it was amazing, and she was proud of him.

“What are you studying?” Lorcan asked.

“Hm,” she looked at her notes, “A little of everything.”

Vaughan waggled his fingers, “Give us that.”

She smiled tentatively but handed them her notes, and Lorcan came closer to take a look at them.

“Muscle that raises the eyelid?” Vaughan asked, and Aelin was glad that they were quizzing her.
Maybe it would be easier then.

“Levator palpebrae superioris.”

“What’s the grey matter made of?” Rowan asked from his place in the kitchen.

She rolled her eyes. Of course, he’d know what she had to study, and he would pick something that
has to do with the brain. “Non myelinated neurons and cell bodies.”

He winked at her, in his own way that praised her.

Lorcan looked up at her and asked, “Reason why liver failure might result in oedema?”

She thought for a second before answering, “Because of the lack of albumin which causes
hypoalbuminemia. Capillary oncotic pressure is reduced and H20 accumulates.”

He didn’t say anything, only asking her questions after question, the four of them each taking a
turn.

By the end of the night, her brain hurt. They’d tried to trick her with questions, and yet, she didn’t
get too many wrong answers. She was quite proud of herself.
 Chapter 33

“Do you think she is sleeping?”

“Yes, she is. Aelin always sleeps more than a bear.”

A high giggle echoed through the room at that, along with the sound of steps on the wooden floor.
“Shhh, Helia. It’s a surprise, remember?”

The little girl whispered, “I’m sorry, daddy.”

Aelin snuggled closer to her pillow, hiding her grin into the soft material. She’d woken up the
moment they left the room half an hour ago, Helia had unintentionally pressed on Aelin’s leg when
she left the room.

She’d tried going back to sleep, and she’d been in a good way to do just that. But then, they walked
back into the room, bringing with them the delicious smell of breakfast.

Aelin wasn’t about to ruin a perfectly good surprise, so she played along. She wondered if Rowan
knew she was awake, if he noticed her body was a little more rigid or that she moved less than in
her sleep.

They were accustomed enough about the other’s presence to notice these little things. At the least,
she knew that Aelin picked up these little clues about Rowan.

The mattress on her front dipped a little, and a small, soft hand started shaking her shoulder. And
then, the most horrifying and yet most perfect thing happened.

Rowan and Helia started singing.

They sang her a happy birthday, and Aelin was barely able to hear the first line before she burst out
laughing. She looked up to find Helia with a party dress covering her body, grinning and showing
off her teeth as she sang along her dad.

Aelin’s smile actually hurt her cheeks as she looked at the man who meant everything to her, to
find him singing. For her.

She doubted that many people had had the privilege of hearing Rowan’s singing voice, and it was
a memory that Aelin would treasure for the rest of her life.

She sat up, admiring the two people she loved do this thing for her. Helia threw herself in Aelin’s
arms, her loud voice making both of them vibrate.

Her boyfriend sat at the end of the bed; a plate full of food on his lap. He was still shirtless, with
sweatpants hanging low on his hips. He didn’t usually sleep with pants, but since Helia had joined
them in their bed last night, they’d been nothing but descent.

A tear fell out of her eye as she hugged Helia close, and Aelin cursed, wiping the offensive show of
emotion away. Rowan kept singing, only giving her a kind smile and squeezing her ankle over the
comforter.

The truth was, nobody had sung her a song for her birthday since she turned fifteen. She’d merely
gotten little cakes from Aedion and Gavriel as well as wishes for a good year between the age of
sixteen and eighteen, but after that, Aelin had avoided her birthday like the plague.

Rowan knew that, and she knew what he was doing by making her start her day the best way he
could. It was like he wanted to chance all her bad thoughts away, only keeping new and good ones.

Aelin was all up for it.

Screw mourning. Screw her parents and Terrasen and med-school. Screw the memories that hit her
the moment she awoke.

Today was Aelin’s day. She wasn’t born so close to Beltane for her birthday to be shadowed by
rain and darkness.

She promised herself that today, only the sun would have a place in the sky.

She wasn’t wiping away her tears anymore when they finished their songs, and Helia looked up
and her green eyes filled with worry.

“Was daddy’s singing bad?”

Aelin barked a laugh, hugging Helia’s closer as her father squinted his eyes at her, “Noted, kiddo.”

She giggled, “You always said I cannot lie.”

“You did tell her that,” Aelin said, always coming for Helia’s defense.

“Outch,” Rowan covered his heart with his hand, “my two girls against me. What have I done to
deserve that?”

“Sing like a pig?” Aelin said, winking at him. She made fun of him, but her own singing voice was
ten times worse.

“Alright,” he said. “I guess I’m taking that back to the kitchen.”

“No!” Aelin and Helia both said at the same time. “Please?” Aelin added. She was hungry, and it
was her birthday after all.

He shook his head and came to seat beside her, on his side of the bed. Helia sat comfortably
between Aelin’s crossed legs. Aelin wrapped her arms around her slim body, using the top of her
head as a rest for her head. “What did you prepare me?”

“Everything you like,” Rowan said, “There are some brownies.”

“Chocolate flavored,” Helia added, which made Aelin grin. Her love for chocolate was well
known now that she was as close as ever to the father-daughter duo.

“Pancakes.”

“With chocolate chips.”

“Cookies.”

“Obviously with chocolate.”

“And your favorite, apple juice.”

“With chocolate!” Helia added, laughing at her own joke.

Rowan shook his head, and Aelin looked down at the toddler. “Thank you’re funny, little one?”

She nodded, never feeling self-conscious about herself. Good. Aelin would raise hell the day she
changed.

“How about I eat you?”

Helia’s eyes filled with fear, and she tried to get away from her but Aelin’s hold on her body was
too tight. She fell back into the bed and tried to bite her as the toddler fought with her life to get
away.

“S-s-stop, Ae,” Helia giggled, out of breath. “I’m gonna pee my pants.”

Aelin let go, laughing as hard as the little girl, and she grabbed her face and smacked a big kiss on
her forehead. “Love you, kiddo.”

She beamed, “I love you too, Aelin. Happy birthday.”

She hugged the girl close, and tears shone in her eyes as she looked at Rowan. She couldn’t read
him, which was a rare thing. She grabbed his hand, and his smile grew, she pulled him closer to her
and sighed as she was wrapped into his arms and Helia’s. “Happy birthday, Fireheart.”

“Wait!” Helia interrupted, ruining a perfect hug. She escaped Aelin’s clutch and ran away from the
room.

Aelin raised an eyebrow at Rowan, and he shrugged, “I don’t know more than you.”

She eyed him suspiciously, “Yeah? Sure about that?”

He nodded, grinning like the devil. She rolled her eyes and shook her head, leaning in to kiss him.
“Thank you,” she breathed.

He replaced a strand of her hair behind her ear and kissed her, Aelin losing herself into the kiss.
His tongue teased her lips, and she opened for him, her hand holding on his hair.

“Baby,” he whispered, kissing her harder.

It was always that way with Rowan. A small taste perpetually turned into more, a burning need to
consume each other whole. She wished it would never end.

“Gross,” Helia gagged, coming back into the room with a colored piece of paper between her
hands.

Aelin blushed a little her head falling on Rowan’s chest as she smiled guiltily at Helia. The little
girl shook her head and climbed on the bed, handing the paper to Aelin. “It’s your present.”

“For me?” Aelin asked, “You’re too nice, baby.”

She grabbed the paper and stopped breathing, Rowan stiffening behind her as well. She could
almost feel his warmth escaping the room, but he didn’t do anything.

The drawing had the word family written on top of it, with Rowan, the word Daddy written beside
the drawing of him. Helia drew herself holding his hand and wrote her name above her face.
And what truly stopped Aelin was the way she was also holding Helia’s hand, and what was
written beside her body.

Mommy.

Oh, God.

“You don’t like it?” Helia’s weakened voice asked, she was close to tears.

Aelin shook her head, shaking herself away from the burning thoughts torturing her mind. “I love
it, it’s very pretty. Thank you, Lia.”

The little girl grinned and threw herself in Aelin’s arms. She looked up at Rowan, trying to find out
what he was feeling. Maybe it should help her know what she should be feeling, too.

Are you okay? She mouthed. She couldn’t read him, something she didn’t enjoy. Aelin could
always read him, that was what made them special. He knew her inside and out, and so did she
about him.

He shook his head and kissed her forehead, Later.

---

She sighed as hot water poured over her skin, another kind of warmth behind her. Rowan had
joined her for her shower, something she did not complain about. He kept repeating the two same
words repeatedly, even as he decided that he’d be the one washing her.

If there was anything that Aelin figured out about herself in the last few months of her relationship
with Rowan was that she adored being cherished. She was still independent, still herself, and yet
when she came home, she enjoyed having this man take care of everything for her.

They hadn’t spoken a single word about what happened in the bedroom less than an hour earlier.
She was glad he didn’t bring up the subject. Maybe they were both processing it.

“You know I’m still capable of using my hands, right?” She asked him, chuckling a little bit after
he rinsed all soap from her newly tanned skin.

He kissed her neck from behind, his lips hot and firm on her sensitive skin, “I like caring for you.”

She sighed, leaning a little more into his embrace. “There’s still one thing you could take care of,”
she whispered.

On the same tone he breathed into her ear, “Tell me.”

Instead, Aelin decided to show him. She grabbed the arm he had wrapped around her waist, her
hand over his, and guided his fingers south on her body. The way he chuckled was enough to make
her skin feel acute, and yet, he didn’t disappoint as he guided a finger in her.

---

“Let go.”

“No.”
“I’m not repeating a third time. Let go.”

Helia shook her head as best as she could considering it was between Aelin’s neck and shoulder.
Her legs were wrapped around Aelin’s waist and her arms holding her on for dear life on Aelin’s
shoulder.

“It’s okay,” Aelin said. “She can stay here. I don’t mind.”

No, she really didn’t. Something inside made her gloat at the fact that Helia had been more clingy
than usual since this morning. Rowan already had to bargain for ten long minutes this morning to
get some privacy in the shower.

“We’re about to eat, Ae,” Rowan said, a little irritated at his daughter’s refusal to climb off Aelin.
She knew he didn’t want them to have a little fight over this.

Aelin shrugged, “She can stay on my lap. It’s not like she eats a lot, anyway. She and I can share a
plate.”

She could almost hear his mind think it over, and she gave him a quick peak on the lips. “I
promise, baby.”

He sighed and murmured, “I’m supposed to be the parent here, Lin. What if she never listens to me
ever again because you’re always on her side?”

She laughed a little, Helia’s small hands tightening their hold on Aelin’s bikini top. She prayed that
it would hold on and the little girl wouldn’t unintentionally rip it off. Not when Rowan’s friends
were all over the house and could enter the living room at any second.

“Maybe you’re just jealous you can’t seat in my lap,” she supposed, squinting her eyes at him as if
she was figuring him out. That had him smile a little, and Aelin kissed him a second time. “Don’t
worry, cowboy. You’ll always be my second favorite Whitethorn.”

At that, Rowan rolled his eyes, and she couldn’t help but chuckle. Every time she teased him, she
gained ten more years to live. She could still see some worry stain his features, so she tapped
lightly on Helia’s shoulder. “Go steal Uncle Lorcan’s seat at the table for me baby, yeah? I’ll join
you in a minute.”

Her green eyes light up in mischief and she almost jumped out of Aelin’s arms to complete her
mission. Left alone, Aelin took a step in the direction of her boyfriend and wrapped her arms
around his neck.

“You are Helia’s father, you know I respect that, and you must know that I will always be by your
side when things truly matter. There isn’t a single moment of my life in which I’ll be against you,
alright?”

He nodded, his forehead falling onto hers. “I know.”

“Good,” she kissed him, a hand finding its way into his hair. “Also, Lin?”

He winced, “That just came out. That bad, huh?”

She laughed, “Let’s stick with Fireheart.”

He nipped at her nose, “Smartass.”

She grabbed his face between both hands and kissed him, his lips immediately opening for her. He
kept her close, a hand on her waist and the other on her backside, squeezing.

She almost moaned into the touch but pushed him away instead, “I am not missing food just to
have sex with you, Whitethorn.”

He pouted, his voice deep and low, “But it’s sex. With me.”

She rolled her eyes, not even trying to contain her grin. “Ravish me tonight, Professor. But for now,
I’m going to enjoy my food.”

She winked over her shoulder as she left the room, his groans following her.

---

“Pink is better,” Helia said, her arms crossed.

Aelin shook her head. “Purple is much, much prettier.”

“No.” The girl refused.

They’d been debating about bathing suits for a moment now, and Helia refused to wear her both
bathing suits that weren’t pink. It was that time for a toddler to say no to everything, or at least she
supposed it was what it was.

She was too hopeless to ever be a mother. The thought of Helia writing Mommy beside a drawing
of Aelin still terrified her.

“Jokes on you two,” Fenrys said from behind. “Green is better.”

Aelin turned around to face her friend and slap him for saying such an awful thing. Green?
Seriously?

But she stopped in her movements when she saw him with a green cake in his hands, candles
burning on top of it. Her eyes filled with tears as they all started singing to her a happy birthday,
and Helia jumped from her lap to join Rowan’s.

Fenrys placed the cake in front of her and placed a big, smacking kiss on her cheek.

She’d noticed him leaving the table right after they finished eating, but she didn’t suspect that he
went away to do… something for her.

“Blow,” Rowan mouthed when they were done singing.

She thought about a wish to make, looking up at her boyfriend who held back his daughter from
throwing herself to the cake. Her eyes burned with tears as she realized something.

There was no wish to be made, nothing else she would add to her life. Here, with them, it was
where she’d always been made to be.

She blew the candles, knowing that she was happy, happier than she ever was. Helia and Fenrys
were the ones to clap in their hands the loudest, and she only rolled her eyes at them.

“Sorry for the cake,” Connall chuckled. “Rowan didn’t tell us your birthday was coming up this
week, we only knew with what you said yesterday. This was the only cake available at the store.”
The fact that they thought about doing something was more than Aelin even expected. She just
smiled at him and thanked them all. If she opened her mouth and started speaking… She wasn’t
sure she could hold back the tears.

“And that,” Fenrys said, grabbing something from under his seat, “Is for you.”

Aelin barked a loud laugh. In her friend’s hand was a little bird stuffed toy.

“I heard you calling Ro a buzzard, and we saw that this morning in the store. Keep it for when the
bastard leaves you at home to work night shifts,” he winked.

“Bad word!” Helia screamed, serious about the vocabulary people around her used.

Rowan glowered at his friend, and over Helia’s head so she couldn’t see it, he gave his friend the
middle finger.

She hugged Fenrys, “I love it, thank you so much.”

Then she did the same with Vaughan and Connall, who both returned her hug warmly. She hadn’t
known them for long, but she was grateful for meeting them. They never made her feel like she
was too much on this trip, or that she was only here because of Rowan, which she was. They talked
more with him, obviously, but they included her in their conversations whenever they could.

When Aelin reached Lorcan, she only said, “Thank you.”

His only answer was an incline of his head. Aelin moved on quickly, going to hug Elide.

But before she could do so, the petite woman handed her a small, wrapped gift. With hesitant
hands, Aelin opened it. As Elide was sitting next to Rowan, Aelin took advantage of it to seat on
his free leg, as Helia was sitting on the other one.

He placed a hand on her hip he watched her open the gift, kissing her shoulder.

It was a small, pocket sized picture photo album. She looked up at Elide, and her friend gave her a
hesitant smile.

“Open the pool and prepare it for this afternoon,” Lorcan ordered to the twins, Vaughan, and the
two kids. She didn’t pay attention at how fast they all left, as if Lorcan was their commander and
they obeyed all his orders.

She only knew that he left, too. Leaving only Aelin, Rowan and Elide.

“Rowan told me it was alright,” the brunette said. “But if you hate it, it’s okay.”

She opened the album, and Aelin’s heart broke when she saw the first picture. As fast as they
came, tears fell down her eyes. It was a picture of Aelin, Celaena and Elide, the three of them
sleeping in a hospital bed, probably napping after their day of fun.

Rowan squeezed her hip and she looked at him, tears blurring her vision. “It’s Leana,” was the only
thing she said, sobbing.

He nodded, “I know, baby.”

“I’m so sorry,” Elide said, panic evident in her voice. “I didn’t want to make you—”

Aelin cut her off by wrapping her arms around her, “Thank you, thank you, thank you so fucking
much.”

“You aren’t mad?” Elide asked, pulling back from the embrace.

Aelin shook her eyes, “These stupid tears have been stuck in my eyes since I woke up, I needed
them to escape at one point. Thank you, for including her.”

Elide’s eyes also shone with tears. “I wasn’t sure about doing it at first. Mom said you avoided the
subject like the plague when she tried to brush it with you, so I figured out Rowan was my best bet.
He said it was a good idea.”

“And it is,” Rowan confirmed. “There are more pictures, Fireheart.”

As they went along the picture, of memories and years of life they all spent together, Elide and
Aelin cried together, they laughed and hugged, looking at their younger self.

And Rowan stayed right there with Aelin, his hand always stroking her skin and kissing her tears
away.

Celaena was dead, but there was no reason for her to disappear. Aelin would always cherish the
memory of her other half, never again running away from it.

---

“Where are we going?”

“I’m not telling you.”

She pouted, “Even if I say please?”

He sighed, his eyes never leaving the road. “You’re worse than Helia.”

She chuckled and tried again, but nothing did. Rowan didn’t tell her where they were headed to.
After an afternoon of relaxing by the pool, Rowan had told her to get ready.

Her phone vibrated in her hands, and Aelin rolled her eyes when she saw who texted her. She must
have made some kind of noise because Rowan asked her what was wrong.

“My mother texted.”

“Oh,” was all he said, waiting for her to explain further.

Earlier in the day, her father called her. She had debated not answered, but in the end, she still did,
and she didn’t regret it. He wished her a happy birthday and asked many questions about her trip.

For her parents and family, she was away on a trip with Dorian. Aelin lied to almost every answer
she gave her father, and it left a sour taste on her tongue.

Outside of this house they rented, Aelin forgot she still had to hide.

Aelin read out loud, “I hope you had a good day. Your father told me you were doing alright. Send
pictures. Mom.”

“I hate her,” Rowan blurted, surprising her. He always stayed neutral, trying to find reasons for
everyone’s behavior. But not tonight.
“She isn’t worth that kind of effort,” Aelin said, closing her phone. “Fuck her.”

Rowan looked at her with his eyebrows risen, “That’s new.”

She shrugged, “If she can’t even wish me a happy birthday then she has no place in my life. She
can stay with her dead memories instead of making new ones like we’re all doing.”

She felt cruel. Her mother had lost a child, she was obviously in great pain. But Aelin was done
erasing herself to make it easier on her parents. She hurt as much as they did, she witnessed it all.

Celaena was dead, but Aelin wasn’t. And if her mother couldn’t celebrate that…

Then she could stay away from her life. Rowan, Helia, her friends and other members of her family
showered her with enough love to last ten lifetimes.

Rowan grinned, and she asked, “What is it?”

He shook his head. “Nothing. Just proud of you, baby.”

Her smile turned shy. Rowan had seen her at her worse, and now, he was also by her side for the
better. She couldn’t wish for better, wouldn’t even if it existed.

Rowan Whitethorn is all Aelin Galathynius ever needed.

They drove thirty more minutes before Rowan stopped, high on a mountain. Aelin got out of the
car, and she was knocked out by the beauty of the view.

Rowan stood behind her, a basket full of food in his hand. “I wanted to take you to the ballet, but
it’s Nutcracker season, I’m afraid.”

Aelin barked a laugh, “I would never betray Swan Lake that way.”

“I know.”

Rowan set a tablecloth on the grass, and Aelin couldn’t look away from the view of the city they
had. The sun was setting, casting a warm orange light in between the buildings.

“This is so perfect, Ro,” she looked at him with tears in her eyes, throwing herself into his arms.

Rowan caught her, as he always would, and let her cry in his shoulder. “I’m so sorry, I keep crying
today,” she said, the tears not stopping.

Rowan rubbed her back, sitting with her on his lap. “It’s okay, it’s a big day for you. Don’t
apologize for having emotions.”

“You did so much for me.”

He shook his head, “I barely did anything.”

She stopped him with a finger on his lips. “You gave me a purpose, you made me want to live.
You gave me a family, and a home to come home to. You gave me love when I was drowning in
sadness. You gave me everything.”

“I would give you ten times more if I could,” he said, a hand cupping her cheek.

Her eyes shone with tears, “I know. I hope I could give you half as much as you gave me.”
“You did,” he said, angling her head so she would look at him in the eyes. “You gave me love and
hope. I thought my life would end the moment Helia left the house, but now I see you with me.
You broke all my barriers; you know more about me than anyone else. You are my everything,
Aelin.”

Words didn’t do justice for the kiss Rowan gave her, for the way they tangled into each other.

Words were too weak to explain how she felt when Rowan took off her sundress and worshiped her
under the sun, and words were powerless to describe how Rowan made love to her for the first
time. How utterly loved she felt, the feeling of power he gave her.

She could only breath his name, it was the only word she still knew, and she rolled every syllable
on her tongue until it no longer meant anything. Anything but pure love and admiration.

His head fell back of her shoulder, his body still covering her as they fought for breath. “You’re—”

“I know,” she said, “You too.”

And then, she laughed. So much that Rowan didn’t look comfortable over her anymore, rolling
beside her and watching her with admiration. “What is it?”

She fought to regain her calm, “Just a few days ago, I promised myself to never have public sex.
Look where we are.”

He grinned at her and kissed her before retrieving blankets from his basket. He covered her up, “I
have a little something for you.”

“Ro,” she breathed. He sat, digging into the open basket and took off a black box.

He opened it up, and Aelin’s eyes filled once more with water. It was a necklace, with a golden
chain that held a heart-shaped pink stone, the same stone that had golden wire wrapped around it,
protecting it.

The same way that Rowan protected her, cared for her, supported her.

“It’s rose quartz,” Rowan said as Aelin brushed the jewel with her shaky fingers. “It’s a healing
crystal.”

“It also represents unconditional love,” Aelin added, familiar with a lot of crystals.

“Yeah, that too,” he broke a smile.

“Put it on me?” Aelin asked, and Rowan obeyed, sitting behind her and closing the wonderful
jewel around her neck, she looked down at the stone, unable to stop touching it.

She turned her head and captured his lips in a kiss, “It’s perfect, Rowan. Thank you.”

“I love you,” he answered, using her shoulders to make her lean more into his chest as they both
watched the sun set, and then the stars.

Rowan told her everything he knew about the night sky, and Aelin fell asleep to his voice and
warmth.
 Chapter 34

“Busy,” Aelin said flatly, head stuck in her books. She didn’t bother to see who had knocked on the
door, she only wanted to be left alone. Studying was hard to do here, and she’d found peace and
quiet in her bedroom.

The mattress dipped beside her, and she sighed when she felt strong arms wrapped around her
waist, soft lips kissing her shoulder. She was currently only dressed in a bikini, the heat too high
for her to wear anything else.

“You’re so studious,” Rowan joked, looking at her textbook.

The professor must be gloating inside, seeing as she was studying for his course. She whipped her
head to the side and narrowed her eyes at her boyfriend, “Do you know how much I hate you?”

He smiled, looking down at her lips, “No. You never told me. You’re a woman with such soft
words.”

She rolled her eyes, cursing him under her breath. He captured her lips in a kiss, his hand holding
her by the back of the neck. She sighed into the touch, Rowan’s tongue taking the opportunity to
slip into her mouth, tasting her.

Rowan’s free hand roamed onto her body, caressing her back, his fingers playing with the string of
her top. He didn’t wait before pulling on it, breaking the kiss to take the offensive garment off her
tanned skin.

His lips assaulted her neck, her body relaxing into his at the contact of skin against skin. His mouth
lowered until he captured a nipple in between his teeth, pulling at it. She gasped, grabbing the back
of his head and tugged his hair.

He groaned, laying her with her back against the bed. He sucked her nipple into his mouth, her
neglected breast was soon squeezed in his right hand.

“Ro,” she breathed, pressing her thighs together. He noticed that, his free hand slipping down her
body until he slipped it under the hem of the bikini bottom she wore, a finger trailing her slit.
“Baby, I need to study,” she panted.

He gave the peaked end of her breast one last lick and looked up at her, “I’m teaching you a rather
important lesson now.” As he said that, he pressed a finger into her, and Aelin only had time to bite
her bottom lip before a long moan was teared out of her.

“Baby,” she panted, “Please.”

He raised an eyebrow, his face so close she could feel his warm breath on her face, “Please, keep
going?” He asked, crooking the finger inside her. “Please, faster?” His finger picked up rhythm,
hitting the spot he knew had her knees weak. “Please, stop?” He pulled his finger out of her,
leaving her empty.

She shook her head, “I need to study.”

He looked at her face with serious attention, his hand tucking a strand of her hair behind her ear.
After his little show Aelin would need a long time before she’d be able to focus again.
“Let’s make you study, then.”

She frowned but he didn’t explain. He closed her textbook and pushed it on the floor, keeping three
highlighters in his hand, one red, one blue and the other one purple. “What are you doing?”

He grinned when he took her by the hips and made her straddle him, pressing her against his
hardened length. She was still braless, comfortable in her almost nakedness around him.

“Well, you want to study,” he explained, reaching for something in the nightstand, her heart
fluttered when he grabbed a condom. “And I want inside you. Best of both worlds,” he winked.

“Wh—” He grabbed the back of her head and kissed her. This time, Aelin didn’t try to resist. She
grabbed the condom and tore it open, Rowan’s hands untying the side of her panties and throwing
them away while she lowered his swimsuit, freeing his cock.

She looked down, panting and stroking him. He slid two fingers of her, stretching him as she
placed the condom on him.

He pulled his fingers out and let her lower herself on his cock, both releasing the same groan. Her
nails clawed at his chest, her body adjusting at his. “Is,” she panted, “Is the door locked?”

He winked and shook his head. She gapped, and Rowan squeezed her hips, “I guess you should be
quick, then?”

She narrowed her eyes at him, “What is that supposed to mean?”

He handed her the three highlighters, “You wanted to study? Then be my guest.”

She couldn’t comprehend what he meant. She rolled her hips, her body moving of its own accords.
Rowan’s grip on her hips turned firmer, stopping her from moving. “Trace every artery, muscles
and bones on my chest.”

She gapped for air, “Ro, you’re…”

“I am?”

“Inside me,” she whispered, as if it was a dirty secret they shared. It was, in a sense.

His cock twitched in her and she moaned, his only answer was: “I know.”

“I can’t,” she whined trying to move but Rowan’s grin on her was as strong as iron. He wouldn’t
let her. She shook her head, tears already starting to burn her eyes. She’d always been too sensitive
during sex with Rowan, too quick to give in into what he wanted when she’d play hard to get
before he got her clothes off. “I can’t, babe, please, please.”

“Shh,” he said under his breath, a hand cupping her cheek. “You can do it.”

She knew Rowan, and while he was ready to give her everything she asked for in their everyday
life, she was the one who gave him everything he wished for in bed. That dynamic was strangely
arousing.

So, Aelin grabbed the first highlighter and opened it, starting to trace things on Rowan’s skin. She
cried out when she bent to be closer to his shoulder, shifting his cock inside her.

Her hand slightly shook as she colored his skin, the feeling of fullness almost mind numbing. She
didn’t know how Rowan did it, how he looked to comfortable and normal, Aelin felt as if she was
going to die from the pressure.

She felt herself clench around him, and those instances were the only time Rowan released groans.

She held herself with her hands on his lower abdomen, looking carefully at her handy work, hoping
she didn’t miss anything. “Is it good?” She asked under her breath.

Rowan didn’t even look down, shrugging, “How would I know? I’m only your boyfriend.”

And with these words, he thrust up into her, hitting that spot that had her seeing stars. She gasped,
falling into his body and hiding her face into his shoulder, biting on his salty skin to keep herself
from screaming.

---

Aelin was sure her cheeks were flushed when she walked down the stairs with Rowan. There was
nothing to be ashamed of, having protected sex with her boyfriend was perfectly normal and
healthy. She just hoped no one had heard them, that was the thing she was afraid of.

That incident in Rowan’s kitchen truly traumatized her. Maybe she’d have to talk about it to Yrene
once she had an appointment with her.

She shook her head, no. She couldn’t start deflecting. Not yet, at least. She hadn’t even called the
therapist yet. She’ll have more than enough time for deflection later.

Everyone in the house was in movement when they joined them downstairs, Helia and Loren
running after shoes they lost somewhere in the house.

“Where is everyone going?” Rowan asked to Lorcan, still an arm wrapped around her shoulders.

The tall man narrowed his eyes, “The temple. Like we do every time we come here.”

Rowan winced, “I forgot.”

Lorcan’s eyes shifted on her and he sighed, “Obviously.” Then, he left for to do wyrd-knows-what.

Aelin faced Rowan, her eyes wide in surprise, she asked under her breath, absolutely mortified.
“Do you think he heard us?”

He shrugged, entirely unbothered with the situation, “Maybe.”

She hid her face into her hands, “It’s so embarrassing.”

Rowan grabbed her wrists and freed her face, “Ae, relax. We heard him and Elide going at it when
we came back home yesterday, remember? Nobody cares.”

“I care!” She whisper-yelled.

He cocked his head to the side, “Why?”

She bit her lip, “Maybe he saw my breasts last time, and he heard us then, too. I don’t want a
repeat.”

He laughed. How could he laugh? “First, I would kill any man who saw your tits, alright?” She bit
her lips to hide a smile, not reminding him that she was currently living with a man who saw her
tits because Rowan would lose his good mood if she reminded him of Chaol. “Second, Lorcan is
my best friend. We were in college together, and I’ve heard and saw worse things that he did with
us, I promise it was nothing.”

“Really?” She asked with a soft voice.

He nodded, kissing her noise. “We’ll be more careful if it makes you more comfortable, I
promise.”

She wrapped her arms around his waist and hugged him close, “I love you.”

He kissed her once, then twice. “I love you.”

He leaned in for another kiss, but both their legs were hit by solid weight before he could. They
looked down to find Helia wrapped around their leg, looking up at them with her eyes narrowed,
“Why aren’t you two ready? Uncle Lorcan used his big mean eyes to threaten me.”

Aelin chuckled; she could see that scene. Helia, when she wanted, could be quite a pain in the ass
to get ready. It was her way or the highway. Aelin could respect that.

“Lia’s right,” Rowan said, kissing Aelin’s forehead. “Lets’ get ready.”

She winced, taking a deep breath before saying, “I’m not coming.”

His brow furrowed, but it was Helia who asked, “Why?”

How could she explain it to Helia without crushing her? With Rowan it’d be easy, but with the
toddler Aelin had to be careful to anything she said. It was like going Yulemas present shopping
before the actual day and having to explain to a kid why Santa Claus came early.

“The Gods and I,” Aelin said, kneeling to be at Helia’s height, “We aren’t really friendly.”

She frowned, “But the Gods are nice with everyone.”

“Helia,” Rowan said, squatting behind her to hold her by the shoulder. “Some people just have
different relationship with the Gods.”

She sniffed, “Does that mean they aren’t real?”

Aelin winced. That was what she believed. Nothing up there existed and would let tragedies
happen over and over again. She’d seen life that way since the day Celaena died.

And if the Gods did exist, and if they let these things happen, then Aelin rather spit in their face
than worship them.

But she couldn’t say that to a kid, so she asked, “Do you believe in them?”

She nodded strongly, and Aelin gave her the kindest smile she found in herself, “Then they exist.
That is all you need to know, all the answers are just there,” she said, laying her hand on Helia’s
chest, right where her heart was.

She nodded and hugged Aelin, before leaving as fast as she came. Aelin got up, wincing at the
feeling in her back.

Oh, shit. She was becoming old.

“I didn’t know you weren’t religious,” Rowan said.

Aelin only shrugged, worming her way into his arms once more. “It doesn’t really impact my
everyday life. I’m,” she started, swallowing. “I’m surprised you still are. After everything.”

Not everyone fell out of touch with religion the moment they got traumatized, but Rowan and her
were so alike that it surprised her.

It was his turn to shrug. See? Alike. “I like to think Hellas welcomed everyone I love with open
arms. It eases me.”

“I get that,” Aelin said. “I don’t think I would want Celaena to live forever. That seems exhausting,
even with everything she could hope for. I suppose thinking there is nothing after death is more
comforting to me.”

He kissed her forehead, “I could stay with you?”

She shook her head, “Go. I’ll enjoy the calm to study for a while.”

“Are you sure?”

She nodded and kissed him enthusiastically to prove her point. She wasn’t so dependent on Rowan
that she couldn’t be away from him for three hours.

---

Aelin missed Rowan.

That was all she could think of when she stayed the whole morning alone, and it was even more
present now that he left her and Elide to care for the kids while all the boys spent an afternoon to
just themselves.

It had taken some convincing for them to enjoy their last day of vacation. Strangely, it didn’t come
from Vaughan and Connall, but from Rowan. He’d frown when she said she could take care of
Helia for a few hours, and doubt had been evident in his eyes.

Aelin didn’t let that hurt her. He loved Helia and was protective of her, even more so than the other
fathers. But she thought he trusted her a little more than that.

Rowan ended up accepting, Fenrys having speeded up the decision.

Aelin clapped into her hands once, “Kids. We need to do some homework.”

Her professors and boyfriend hadn’t been the only ones to give work to do during summer break,
and the kids hadn’t opened a single textbook for the week.

Granted, Helia’s homework was to draw circles and square shapes while Loren’s were working on
the alphabet, but those were still important.

Loren pouted; his dark skin still wet from the pool. “Please, Aelin.”

She narrowed her eyes at him, shaking her head. “No little cute manipulation allowed here. Take a
seat and open your books.”

Helia grabbed Aelin’s legs and looked up with her big puppy eyes, the ones she always used to
have Rowan bent for her every wishes. Aelin would like to think she was stronger than her
boyfriend, but she had to admit, Helia was good.
“Work,” Elide said, her voice firmer than Aelin’s. The kids looked at each other and ran for the
table, grabbing their textbook on the way.

Aelin looked at Elide’s, her mouth agape in offense, “Why did they listen to you?”

Elide was amused, her piercings shinning into the light, “You’re the cool aunt, like Fenrys. Kids
listen to authority.”

Was she the cool aunt? Her confusion must have been written all over her features, because Elide
added, “It’s not a bad thing, Ae. But seriously, when is the last time put a boundary with Helia?”

She tried to thing about but, but as she came up with nothing Aelin asked, “So what, you and your
little boyfriend are the responsible ones?”

Elide chuckled, shaking her head, “We’re probably not the ones they’d go to to play pranks and
have fun, but in their minds, it also means you’re going to have fun all the time.”

Aelin frowned. Maybe a week ago she would have loved to be called the cool aunt, but now…

“You’ve always been that cool girl,” Elide explained. “Even as kids, everyone just wanted to
follow you and be friends with you. You were the girl.”

“She called me mommy,” Aelin blurted.

That was what scared her. Maybe she was the cool aunt, and if it was just that, if she was just a
friend of the family then Aelin would be fine with it. Hell, she’d love the title. But if Helia saw her
as more… If she expected Aelin to fill another role, she shouldn’t be the cool one who doesn’t
know how to place a boundary or how to be responsible.

“Oh,” Elide breathed, her eyes wide and amusement gone from her face. “Shit.”

“Yeah,” Aelin breathed, groaning into her hands.

“How do you feel about that?”

“If I pretend it didn’t happen then it didn’t, right?”

Elide snorted, “Yeah, how has that worked for you lately?”

Aelin’s mouth was agape, “Excuse you?”

She shrugged, “I’m just saying.”

“Well,” Aelin said. “Don’t. I’m going to be the responsible adult and help the kids with their
homework.” She informed Elide with a strong and determined voice. “And I’m going to nail that
role.”

Elide laughed, “Go ahead, Ae.”

---

“And I have no idea what to make of it,” Aelin heard Rowan say in the kitchen. She’d just
showered and packed most of their stuffs. She couldn’t believe their vacation was almost done, that
tomorrow they’d be back in Doranelle.

Aelin wanted to stay here, with only Rowan and their friends with no care for what people thought
of her relationship.

“Are you surprised?” Lorcan asked.

Aelin didn’t mean to eavesdrop, she truly didn’t. She could walk in and just listen to their
conversation without feeling like a spy, and yet she didn’t.

“She is practically living at your place. Everything you do with Helia now, Aelin joins. You call
them your girls in front of Helia, of course at one point a confusion would be made. Have you even
talked with Helia before letting all of that happen?”

Aelin frowned; they were talking about her. And Helia.

“Of course, I did,” Rowan snapped. “Multiple times when Aelin and I got serious. It took time for
her to adapt but she loves having Aelin over. She asks for her when she isn’t home.”

“See?” Lorcan said. “Home. You cannot be surprised that Helia is confused if you’re sending all
the wrong signals. Just because she never asked for a mother doesn’t mean she didn’t internally
look for one.”

“Hey,” Aelin smiled at Rowan. She heard too much of that conversation. She was confused as to
why Rowan would talk to Lorcan about this situation instead of her, but she couldn’t really be
angry. She’d talked to Elide about it earlier in the day.

Rowan broke into a smile, opening his arms for Aelin and she leaned in for a kiss, her body flushed
with his. His hands fell on her ass, squeezing as he deepened the kiss. Lorcan gagged and said
something along the line of disgusting and left.

“How was your day?” He asked.

She hummed as he kissed her neck, “Good, I’ve been responsible and put boundaries.”

He leaned back and frowned, “What?”

She shook her head, “Never mind.”

He wore a silly smile, leaning in for another kiss. Her hand grabbed the back of his neck, flushing
him against her. She gasped when Rowan spanked her and grabbed her flesh, he slipped his tongue
into her mouth.

She pulled on his hair, his hand sliding under her shorts. The feeling of his hand against her skin
was enough for her to break into a moan. “You,” she started, panting. “You got a thing with my
ass.”

He looked smug, squeezing her flesh again. “I like your ass.”

She rolled her eyes, “You’re such a man.”

He narrowed his eyes at her, “That’s sexist?”

Her mouth was wide open, “Me? Sexist? I have male friends!”

He rolled his eyes as she laughed, squeezing her flesh one last time before turning around, “I’m
going to make us some pizza.”

“Don’t talk dirty to me,” she winked.

He glared at her, “Get out of my kitchen, you’re too distracting.”

She rolled her eyes, grabbing a bottle of beer and kissing his cheek when his phone pinged. Rowan
grabbed the device and read for a few seconds before she felt his body tense. “Is everything
alright?”

Rowan took a few seconds to answer before turning his head and kissing her forehead, “Yeah. It’s
just work.”

Alright, if he said so. She nipped his shoulder and went outside, sitting on the terrace as she faced
the sun.

The silence was relaxing, her own private therapy. She’d miss this place, and she understood why
Rowan and his friends insisted on renting the same house everytime.

It felt like home, in the sense that she’d always be home as long as she had Rowan by her side. She
needed him more than she ever needed anything else in life, more than oxygen itself.

Someone sat beside her, watching the sun set. She was surprised to find Lorcan Salvaterre, a beer
bottle in his hand. She narrowed her eyes, “Are you sick?”

His eyebrows shot up and a snort came out of her, “In a house full of doctors, it’s the med student
that I’d go to if I was sick?”

“A med student with amazing grades. You can’t deny it, you gave them to me yourself.”

He rolled his eyes, “You’re a passable student.”

She chuckled, knowing she wouldn’t get anything more out of him. She was confused as to why he
was sitting beside her, but she didn’t ask. She’d made it her life mission during this trip to annoy
him, and that had worked pretty well. That was all she wanted.

“My grades when I finished med school weren’t amazing,” he said.

It was her turn to raise her eyebrows, “They weren’t?”

He shook his head, taking a sip of his beer. “I didn’t get in Doranelle for my first year of
residency.”

“I didn’t know that,” Aelin said. She knew he and Rowan met in their first year of college, she’d
supposed they’d always done everything together.

He shrugged. “I was sent to Terrasen, which wasn’t too bad, I suppose. I’ll always remember my
first night shift, which in reality was just my first shift.”

“Let me guess, there was a big accident, and you were here to save the day?”

He narrowed his eyes at her and shook his head, “No. Actually, I’ve seen so much worse than that
night, accidents that were so gore I lost it in private right after. And yet, that night marked me.”

“Why are you speaking this much? Are you drunk?”

“Shut up and listen.” He said and she snorted. “When I came into the ER that night, there was that
girl, she was hysterical. The kind we are taught to deal with in school, because sometimes people’s
restraint switches off when they experience something traumatic. I wanted to sedate her, she was
screaming, crying and threatening the medical staff that tried to approach. There was a nasty cut on
the back of her head, something I needed to stitch, and I needed to take her for a head CT.”

Aelin’s shaking hand touched the back of her head and Lorcan kept going, “And then her parents
arrived. They worked at the hospital, they came in a hurry and when the girl saw them… I never
saw anyone switch emotions that fast. The parents, when they saw her, didn't hug her. Didn’t ask
her how she was. She is the one who sat them on her bed and told them what happened, her voice
so cold and calm I couldn’t believe it was the same girl.

“She told them about an incident in the pool that killed her twin sister. She’d try to save her but it
was too late. The mother left. I know she was grieving, but at that moment I just wanted to scream
in her face. Right after that, the girl passed out. She’d lost blood, had been under so much stress it
was a miracle she stood until then. The father put her in her bed and hugged her for maybe two
minutes, and then he left.”

Aelin’s breathing was ragged, her knuckles white around the bottle of alcohol in her hands. Her
entire body was shaking, and yet, Lorcan kept going. “I took her for a head CT, usually the nurses
take care of that, but I don’t know, I didn’t want her to be alone. She woke up a bit before that, and
as we waited for the machine, you know what she did?”

Aelin shook her head, “I didn’t have a head CT.”

Lorcan nodded, “You did. And when we waited, you passed phone calls. You kept it short, but
every single time you started the phone call with ‘Celaena is dead.’ I asked you if you were calling
friends, but no. It was your family. You didn’t want you parents to be the ones to do that.”

She shook her head and said weakly, “No.”

“It was then that I realized that life could suck even if you were a rich kid,” he shrugged as she
cried. “When I was young my parents died. One day they were healthy, the next they were sick,
and the day after they were gone. I ended up in foster care for years after that, got in debts to study.
All my life I hated rich folks, I thought they life were easy. Then I saw you, I saw how your parents
didn’t come back after that, how your only visit was a cousin and uncle. And I thought that your
life sucked.”

“I don’t remember getting a head CT,” she whispered, the detail of the story she focused on to
avoid breaking down altogether.

“How much do you remember after that night?”

Aelin thought about it. She remembered crying over Celaena’s body and then nothing. “I don’t
know, a few weeks are completely dark.”

“It’s normal with trauma. The brain protects itself.”

“I didn’t remember you,” she sobbed.

She didn’t know her parents had left, that she’d been the one telling everyone. They didn’t come
back for her, they left her alone, even after the person she was born with had left her.

He shrugged, “I knew you were in Doranelle now, but I only saw you again at that gala. Havillard
Sr. seemed to bother you so—”

“You cut in,” she breathed, remembering. She didn’t question that, too much had happened that
night.
“Yeah. Ro talked about you sometimes, with a glimmer of more than he should have shown, that
he would have shown for any other students. I just thought your father had told him your story. If
there’s anyone who would be sympathetic about loss—”

“It’s Rowan.”

“Are you done talking for me?”

She rolled her eyes, “Shut up, bastard.”

He grinned then, and Aelin couldn’t help but mirror the expression. “Then there was the dinner at
your parents. You looked so upset, and Rowan can be a bastard. He looked like he wanted to punch
someone, and I asked him what he did to you—”

“That stopped him,” Aelin remembered from that night.

“Ashryver Galathynius, for Hellas’ sake.”

“It’s just Galathynius, now.”

He rolled his eyes, “Make up your damn mind.”

She barked a laugh, tears still wet on her cheeks. She quickly whipped them away, “Why did you
tell me that?”

He shrugged, finishing his drink. “I don’t hate you; I hate the situation you are in. And now, I saw
how much you love them. How important they are to you, and how fresh your wounds still are,” he
explained, eyeing the pool. “At first, I thought you reckless, looking for adrenaline and fun to help
you heal. But now I see how you love him, how he loves you.”

“I don’t need your approval,” she said weakly.

“I know, I saw that,” he snorted. She did rub her relationship in his face. “I’m just saying that if
things go wrong, I have you back. As much as I got his.”

She looked at him then, tears burning her eyes, “Why?”

“Because I never saw him love like he loves you. He’s my family, my brother,” Lorcan explained.
“That means you’re family, too.”

She placed a hand over her heart, “Aw, Lorcan. Do you love me?”

“Shut up,” he hissed but it lacked venom. She chuckled, rolling her eyes. “You’ll never be my
favorite person, but what I said before still holds.”

He stood and walked to the door, Aelin turned around, “Lorcan?”

He looked at her, an eyebrow raised, “Yeah?”

“Thank you.”
 Chapter 35
Chapter Notes

See the end of the chapter for notes

“I missed you,” Aelin sighed as her cousin wrapped his arms around her waist. She hadn’t seen him
in a good month, which was one of the reasons why she allowed herself to not insult him and just
enjoy their embrace.

They’d gone longer without seeing each other, there had even been period of times when Aelin
didn’t reply to any of his phone calls or texts for months. Yet, since she started her healing journey,
she struggled going a week without talking to him or Gavriel.

Her uncle had claimed her first night back home, saying he’d cook for her. And who was Aelin to
refuse good food?

When she stepped foot into the warm house, she’d felt a pang of regret and sorrow hit her.
Vacations were over, she couldn’t be as carefree as she’d been for a week. Aedion let her go, and
her mind conjured the image of a what if. What if she brought Rowan over? What if she told the
truth to the people she loved?

Rowan’s loved ones had accepted her, even Lorcan. Was it so much of a stretch of the imagination
to hope her friends and family would react the same?

Her uncle was level-headed. He was calm and always listened to himself before acting. It made
him a good lawyer, one that could never be touched by the taunt of the adverse side.

Aedion, on the other hand, was all fire. They were the same in that instance, they shouted and
acted first, then thought later. It also made him a good lawyer. He was criminally smart, even in
his anger and over-reactions, Aedion always got what he was reaching for. He was the one she was
worried of, not that she was convinced that Gavriel would welcome Rowan with open arms.

But Aedion had always hated her partners. No one was ever good enough for her, and the
scandalous appearance of her relationship wouldn’t help.

Maybe she could ask Rowan what he thought of it. They’d been robbed of the choice to announce
their relationship to his friends, she didn’t want him to feel excluded once more if she was to tell
her family.

On the other side, a part of her mind screamed at her to stay quiet. Living in secrets and lies was
painful enough for her, did she truly want to give that burden to her uncle and cousin, too? She
couldn’t see any universe in which her parents knew about her relationship, she would fight for
them to stay in the dark longer.

If she told Aedion and Gavriel, they’d have to lie. And she wasn’t selfish enough to laden them
with her own secrets.

Gavriel gave her a drink, one without alcohol. She was allowed an occasional glass of wine in this
house, but it was only if it went well with whatever her uncle had cooked. He wasn’t one to feed
her vice.

She’d sometimes stolen a bottle with Aedion, but she had to admit, this house had always felt like a
safe place when she grew up, a place where she could have a break.
But nothing had ever felt more like home than Rowan’s house. The thought of laying her head
elsewhere at the end of the day created a knot in her stomach.

“You’ve got nothing to say?” Gavriel asked, an eyebrow raised in curiosity.

She shrugged, taking a sip of her orange juice. “The trip went well. I really recommend the
southern continent.”

“I went there a few times,” her uncle explained. “Evie always loved it there.”

There was sadness in the father and son’s eyes, but nothing so painful they felt like dying. She was
jealous of how easy it was for them to mention their lost ones. She got better at it, she talked about
Celaena with Fenrys and Lorcan, and yet, she wasn’t sure she could ever reach that level of
comfortability these two had.

Aelin had prayed they wouldn’t ask too many questions about her trip. Creating a single lie was
one thing but creating so many of them that it’d fill an entire week of event was much more
complicated.

“How’s Dorian?” Aedion asked, seating on the opposite couch next to his father. “I thought you’d
bring him.”

She chuckled nervously, “He’s good, and he had family to see, too.”

He nodded, “That’s good. Did he enjoy his vacation?”

Unease spread through her, but she didn’t let it show, “Yup. Except from the part when I kept
complaining to not go on a walk. So, every day.”

That had happened. Just not with Dorian.

“Do you have pictures?”

She looked down at her phone before wincing. She did have pictures, but she wasn’t sure there was
a single one without either Helia’s face or her hands on them. She had taken a liking to intrude on
pictures. “Not on my phone, no. I didn’t have enough storage. But I’ll ask Dorian and I’ll send
them to you!”

“That’s weird,” Aedion said.

She looked up, trying to read her cousin but it happened to be more difficult than she thought.
“What is?”

He shrugged, “I saw Dorian at the grocery store, kissing a woman with white hair.”

Her heart nearly stopped beating; the living room felt too small to breathe. But Aedion kept going,
“So either Dorian has a twin none of us knew about or you’re a liar.”

She looked at Gavriel whose eyebrow were frowned as he looked at his son. He didn’t know what
he was talking about, which made her feel slightly better. They hadn’t invited her to confront her.
Her cousin probably just took the opportunity.

She swallowed difficulty, “It probably wasn’t Dorian, a lot of guys look like him.”

Annoyance finally showed on her cousin’s features, and Aelin back stiffened, ready for battle. “Do
you think I’m fucking stupid?”
“Son,” Gavriel started, his tone calm. The ice to Aedion’s fire. Her own ice was away, having
dinner with his daughter.

He whipped his head to his dad, “She’s lying, she was away Gods know where with Gods know
who.”

“I am not lying,” she snapped. But she was, and she’d just been caught.

He groaned, standing up and so did she. “I caught you and yet you still deny it, what the hell is
wrong with you?”

“What the hell is wrong with you?” She hissed. She knew she couldn’t get away with it with
discussion, so she attacked. “You are not owned anything about my private life.”

He gaped at her, turning to Gavriel and asking, “Do you hear her?”

“I think we should relax,” Gavriel said. “I’m sure Aelin has an explanation.”

He looked at her, waiting for her to speak but the problem was that she didn’t have any
explanation. Dorian had spent the week at Manon’s apartment to cover up for her, but she didn’t
know it was close enough to Aedion’s place for them to see each other at the grocery store.

When she said anything, Aedion let out a sour laugh. “Count on Aelin to make us believe she is
healing but then act like that same attention-seeking teenager.”

“Excuse me?” She snapped.

“You heard me,” he answered in the same tone. “You know what, Aelin? I’m fucking done with
you. My dad and I, we spent years tearing you out of every messes you ran into, but I’m done. I’m
almost thirty and I’m done with that shit.”

“I’m not in any problem!” She shouted. “And the fact that you think that says so much about your
vision of me. Thank you, dear cousin.”

He snorted, “I’m just being realistic. Why else would you lie? Why else would you drag Dorian
into your shits? After hours of question, I got Lysandra to tell me that you kept sneaking around to
see someone and that it was a secret to everyone. But yeah, the situation screams healthy and
normal.”

“I’m not in any messy situation,” she hissed. “Am I not allowed to some privacy? Can’t you just
trust me?”

“No, I can’t.”

And he was so sure of it. She knew she was lying, she knew she was in the wrong. And yet, this
broke her. Her past hadn’t always been glorious, and yet she thought she had him in her corner.

She could tell him. Confess everything.

But not now. Not when he was so angry, and not when she wanted to spit in his face.

“You’re a miserable bastard. Instead of prying your nose into my business, look at yourself in the
mirror and how uncapable you are to secure a relationship with Lysandra. Who would—”

“Aelin,” Gavriel warned, ice in his voice. He was defending his son, of course he was. Her father
wouldn’t defend her that way. Actually, he hadn’t. All the time her mother had pushed her to the
ground with mean words… He’d sat and stared.

Hatred burned in her veins. She grabbed her bag and felt the house without a word before she could
say something wrong.

---

She didn’t like that feeling, the one that made her angry at the whole world. The one that pushed
her against her loved ones. The one that made her feel alone.

She’d found driving to be a good way to stop thinking, but today it didn’t seem to be useful. She
didn’t want to go back to the apartment, not when she knew she could snap at Dorian or Lysandra.
None of them had done anything, it was all her fault, and yet she knew herself enough to keep her
distance.

She knocked three times on the door before a familiar face showed, and she sighed in relief.
Rowan’s brows puzzled with worry, and she wrapped her arms around his shoulder. “I missed
you.”

He embraced her, the warmth of his body spreading through her and burning the acute feeling
she’d been submerged in since she left her uncle’s house. Maybe he was a superhero, and this was
his power.

He closed the door behind her but didn’t let go of her. She just needed a few more seconds, the
scene of pine and snow healing everything in her. He passed his hand through her hair, giving her a
head massage, which helped her relaxing.

She was glad he welcomed her. They hadn’t texted all day. She knew he was busy at work, but he
usually found a little time to send her a few texts, but not today.

She pulled back, kissing him deeply. Rowan answered the kiss automatically, his mouth opening
and letting Aelin in.

She lost herself in him, nothing else mattered. He was the only person she wanted to answer to, and
he was the only one she was entirely truthful with. Rowan angled her head to kiss her more deeply,
her hands gripping his shirt and pushing herself on her tiptoes to be taller.

She was breathless when she pulled away, and her boyfriend was, too. He tucked a strand of her
hair behind her ear, “Who do I need to kill?”

She snorted, “You’re so violent.”

He grinned at her, her heart missing a heartbeat, “It’s your influence on me.”

She bit her lip, “I like that.”

“What happened?”

She shrugged, “Just a fight with my cousin. He knows I lied about who I traveled with.”

Rowan’s entire body stiffened, and she felt his warmth leaving her, even if he stayed close. “Did
you—”

“No, I haven’t said anything. Now he just thinks I’m still a teenager who needs his help every
other day. I know I relied on him a few times when I was a teen, but I haven’t in years. Before you,
I was sorting my mess alone. And I’m a fucking adult, He has no right still treating me like a kid.”

“Have you told him that?” She looked away but he grabbed her chin and made her look at him,
“Did you?”

“No.”

“What did you say?”

She swallowed, afraid that Rowan would push her away. “He hurt me. So, I wanted to hurt him.”

He nodded, without a hint of judgement in his eyes. It still was hard to believe she’d met her
match, the one that knew her so well, was so similar to her, that he would always understand her.

“Do you want to apologize?”

She thought about it for a second before shaking her head, “I don’t think so.”

“Then don’t. Let’s wait a few days, and then things will turn better. They always do.”

A year ago, she would have said he was an idiot. But he did make her life better, and she would
always be grateful for him.

There was no other solution than waiting, so that was what she would do.

“Can I stay?” She asked shyly. Maybe he wanted to spend some time with Helia for a bit, she’d
always been on the way during their vacation.

He rolled his eyes, “You shouldn’t even ask.”

She smiled and jumped, wrapping her legs around his waist. He chuckled but held her and walked
them to the kitchen. Aelin grinned at Helia who was sitting at the kitchen table, a little textbook
open in front of her.

She looked up and smiled, still missing a tooth. Aelin waved over Rowan’s shoulder, “What’s up,
buttercup?”

“Aelin!” She grinned, entirely forgetting her textbook. “Daddy’s cooking pasta.”

Rowan sat her on the kitchen counter, facing Helia and close to him as he cooked. “Your daddy is
trying to get me fat.”

He rolled his eyes and squeezed her thigh, heat flaming in her eyes. He looked at her the same
way, and it took everything in Aelin to hold back from pouncing on him.

She asked Helia what she was doing, and the little girl was still stuck on forming circles. She was
too perfectionist. Aelin jumped off the counter and sat with Helia, trying to give her tips without
doing the entire work for her.

It wouldn’t bother her to do so, but it wouldn’t help Helia on the long term. She picked a few
sheets of paper and tried to show Helia how to make prettier circle, and she listened attentively.

Aelin caught Rowan look at them in a way she couldn’t decipher. She’d caught him look at her the
same way for a couple of days now. Ever since her conversation with Lorcan back in the Southern
Continent.
At first, she thought he was jealous. Yesterday, during their travel back home, she’d asked him if
he was. She didn’t need to turn around the matter with Rowan, so she always asked things quite
bluntly.

He only shook his head and told her he was tired. She wasn’t sure she believed him, especially
when he was still looking at her this way now, but if he didn’t want to talk, then there wasn’t much
she could do.

Is something wrong?

Again, he shook his head. Nothing.

It took her a few seconds before looking away. Something was wrong, she knew it, and yet, she
didn’t push. She could fight with Rowan like she fought with everyone else.

“You need to hold your pen that way,” she explained, helping Helia with her techniques. “See, try
again. It’ll be better.”

Helia’s top lip was curled in concentration and Aelin held back her laugh at how similar it looked
to a snarl. Helia focused until the end, and Aelin was already cheering for her when she made a
perfect circle. Joy radiated from Helia, and it was impossible not to mirror it. “Amazing, pumpkin!”

She threw her arms around Aelin’s neck and hugged her close. This was the kind of relaxation
Aelin needed, why she always came to this house. Yes, she loved Rowan, but the feelings she had
for this little girl… No one would hurt her the way Aelin had been hurt, she made that promise to
the universe.

“I love you!” Helia said.

Emotions chocked her, and she managed to say, “Love you more, buttercup.”

It was the first time Helia had said those words to Aelin. She would never forget it. Even old and
senile, she’ll always remember how loved she was by the two Whitethorns.

She looked at Rowan, but he was facing the kitchen counter. She shook her head, he was just
focused. He didn’t want his house to burn down, obviously.

Helia’s white shirt wasn’t white anymore, and even her brown skin was marked by traces of pen.
Aelin laughed, “You’re all dirty, baby, what did you do?”

Helia laughed as she looked down at herself and she shrugged. Kids could be so messy.

Aelin wanted one.

That thought hit her hard, and she grabbed it and shoved it deep inside a box that she closed. This
wasn’t a path she was ready to go down.

“Let’s get you cleaned up, alright?”

She stood and grabbed Helia under her shoulder before Rowan took the girl from her arms, “I’ll do
it.”

Aelin frowned, a hand still holding Helia even if she was in her father’s arms. “I can do it, don’t
worry. You’re cooking.”

He shook his head, “I’ll do it.”

And he walked away, leaving Aelin gaping. What had just happened? She looked at his back as he
climbed the stairs, leaving Aelin in the kitchen alone. He never had a problem with her taking care
of Helia before. Hell, he’d asked her to help him from time to time.

His weird looks, his lack of texts, and now that… Something was wrong.

He looked for the pasta, only half aware of what she was doing. Her mind was too preoccupied by
that last interaction with Rowan. She tried to recall everything she did in the last two days, maybe
she’d done something to upset him. But she came short.

She heard footsteps from behind her, and Rowan could only be described as guarded; Helia was
nowhere to be seen, and Aelin supposed she was probably playing in her room.

“I watched over the pasta.”

“Thank you.”

Tension was so strong they could cut it with a knife. It wasn’t the kind of tension she enjoyed.

“Maybe you want me to get out, so you can cook better?”

“Aelin,” he sighed, his chin falling into his chest.

“What?” She snapped, crossing her arms and looking at him. She was still waiting for him to face
her. “I’m just saying. I’m not good enough to give a shower, maybe I should step away from the
pasta, too.”

He looked up then, and his gaze could only be described as icy. “You are not Helia’s mother.”

“Is that what it is about?” She asked, irritated. “Helia’s drawing?”

“No. Yes. Maybe, alright?”

“No,” she answered. “No, not alright. You don’t get to be mad at me and treating me like I’m a
bother for something I cannot control. I didn’t ask her to call me mom.”

“You didn’t seem too eager to correct her, though. Exactly like earlier, you threw yourself on the
occasion to tell her you loved her.”

“Because I do,” she snapped. “What did you want? For me to hate her? To resent her because she
reminds me of the woman you married and loved in the open while I’m your dirty little secret?”

“That is not what I meant, and you know it,” he hissed, his voice betraying his inner emotions.

“I don’t know, that’s the fucking problem. How could I when you don’t express yourself?”

“I just did,” he said. “And you didn’t like it.”

“Because you make it sound like it’s my fault! And like it’s a problem!”

“Because it is!” He answered, voice loud and shocking her. “She is Lyria’s daughter.”

“I never denied it, I never asked her to call me her mother. I don’t even know how I feel about it
all!”

“But that’s a problem,” he accused. “You should know that it’s wrong.”
“I know that this girl’s mother died. I know that she is probably looking for a maternal figure in her
life, and I’m fucking sorry if she supposed that your girlfriend could fill that role.”

He breathed deeply, his chest rising and falling quickly. “I’m trying to be a good person here, Ae.
If I say something against it, you’ll be hurt. If I say something good about that shitty situation, it’s
unfair to Lyria.”

“Shitty situation? Seriously?”

“Yeah, Aelin,” he snapped, drying the pasta. “It’s fucking shitty. She barely knows you, alright?
Our relationship is fucking doomed, so what do I tell her when you’re gone? Huh? That yet another
mother is gone?”

She barely registered what he said next. She could only hear the five same words over and over
again.

Our relationship is fucking doomed.

Doomed.

“What did you just say?” She asked, her voice breaking.

He let out a shuddered breath, and no matter how much she hurt, how acute her pain was, she
couldn’t ignore how in pain he looked too. Because she was always so aware of him and his
feelings.

“Be realistic,” he started, his hands fisted to keep his composure. “In just a few months, all of my
friends know, Elide knows, and now both your uncle and cousin are onto your lies. It’s just a
matter of time before everyone else learns about it.”

She knew that his concerns were valid but…

Doomed.

“Is that a problem? Am I only good to be your secret?”

“You know it’s not like that,” he snapped. “Who do you think will be on our side, huh? Your
father? My boss?”

“You knew all of that before.”

“And I thought we could hide it better!”

Was he breaking up with her? He couldn’t be, not after all the amazing moments they had last
week… Not after he told her he loved her.

“Please, Aelin,” he begged. “Put yourself in my shoes before looking at me that way.”

“Like what?”

“Like I disgust you.”

He could never disgust her, never. Rowan was too good; he was the person she loved the most in
this world. And yet… Today sucked. Today sucked because those ugly feelings, they started to
show for Rowan.
 Her nails broke the skin of her palm, tears burning her eyes, “I need air.”

Worry puzzled his face when she grabbed her bag, “What are you doing?”

“Leaving,” she said, thought it was obvious.

“So, we’re back at that?” He asked, his tone icy. Let him be mad, she didn’t care. Or at least, she
liked to think it.

“I wouldn’t want to overstep my place in this house, you know,” she snapped, turning her back at
him. She needed to leave because if she didn’t… She could regret what she said.

She also needed to be away from him. After what he said, Aelin’s best bet to stay sane was to be
away from him.

She climbed the stairs and said goodbye to Helia, ignoring the disappointed look she gave her.
Rowan was waiting, arms crossed when she walked down the stairs. “Stay.”

“I won’t.”

“I say one thing you didn’t like, and you run?”

“You’ve treated me like shit today, Rowan,” she spat. “We could have calmly discussed your
concerns but instead you threw them at my face and accuses me of running. Maybe I’m a runner,
but you’re a fucking coward.”

Discussing his feelings clear headed was too much for him. He needed the push of anger to help
him get his tongue lose. And maybe any other night she would have taken it, but not today.”

In her car, she allowed herself five seconds to break. She hit the steering wheel, letting out what
sounded like a scream. Why did everything had to go wrong tonight?

There was only one word in her mind as she drove into a part of town she didn’t know.

Doomed.

Was it? Aelin had thought that if word got out, she and Rowan would fight together. But would it
be possible? Rowan couldn’t lose his job, not when he had Helia. She couldn’t also move, not
when Helia’s uncles and grandparents lived here.

She was the big threat to their serenity.

She barely registered going out of the car, all her mind focused on Helia. Had she been treating her
like her daughter? And Lyria… Did it make Aelin an awful person to say she hadn’t thought of it?
That even if Helia’s mother wasn’t there, she still was her mother.

She knocked on the door, and the door opened. She fisted her hands, nails once more making her
bleed. “I need somewhere to crash, is that okay?”

She couldn’t go back to her apartment; she would kill her friends. No matter that they hadn’t been
in the wrong. Aelin was angry.

Fenrys opened his door for her, “Of course. Come in.”

Chapter End Notes

Chapter End Notes

I wanted to thank everyone who always leaves a comment on this fic. I will reply one
day I promise, but I want you to know that seeing your names in my inbox is always a
joy and that your comments always make me feel very motivated for this story. Thank
you!
 Chapter 36

Aelin was exhausted. She’d barely closed her eyes last night, even less gotten any sleep. Fenrys’
bed had been quite comfortable though, even more so considering she had the whole furniture for
herself as her friend insisted on being the one sleeping on the couch.

It was stupid, he had a long day ahead and should be well rested for his patient’s welfare, but he
told her that his couch was much comfier than hospital’s beds. In the end, he hadn’t let her much of
a choice in the matter.

Last night, he’d sat her at his kitchen table and gave her a tea, refusing to serve her coffee, and
asked her what happened. She’d spilled the beans then, if only because she needed the opinion of
someone who knew Rowan. Fenrys had known him since they were kids, and while she knew
more about him, he had also dealt with her boyfriend for longer than she did.

He sighed, allowing himself a cup of coffee which earned him a dark glare from Aelin, and said,
“He’s been weird at work, too. I mean, even yesterday when we came back, he was weird, but he’s
such a control freak that I put that onto the travel. But today he was cold and kept to himself, I just
thought you two had a fight or Helia had been in a mood or something. He’s heavily influenced by
the women in his life.”

She’d shook her head, “No. We barely talked all day, we only fought tonight and things with Helia
were great.”

“Well,” Fenrys winced. “There was the mommy incident.”

She bit her lip, her mind still tortured by said incident. “Yes, but he was normal after it happened.
He didn’t get mad until two days after. Rowan doesn’t pretend things are okay, he makes you feel
it when something’s wrong.”

“You’re right,” he sighed. “I imagine it’s not that simple, but can’t you just ask?”

She shrugged, “I basically did. I asked if it was because of Helia’s drawing, he said that it was
because of it, then he said maybe. He’s so fucking confusing, Fen.”

He nodded, “I know. You two make me glad I’m not in a relationship.”

She glared at him, and he shifted in his seat, “Rowan… He’s the best man I have ever known in
my life. He truly is. But there is that small portion of time in which he can be such an asshole.”

“From what you told me, you two are the same. That’s why you’re together.” She glared again,
and he explained, “I’m not saying it was your fault or anything, Aelin. He’s in the wrong for what
happened and it’s not up for discussion. All I’m saying is, you know him more than any of us ever
will. Rowan isn’t a bad guy, hell, he is probably the best man of us five. He’s just… I think he
hurts inside, and he’s been for so long it just seems normal to him. I also think that when you’re
hurt, people around you are getting hurt, too. Maybe he’s trying to push you away to protect you in
a way?”

She frowned, thinking about what her friend said. It was true, every time she’d hurt inside, she
dragged people in her pain. That was a habit of hers, not one she particularly liked about her
person.

“I’m a fucking adult,” she said. “I don’t need protection.”

“Whether you like it or not, the people who love you will protect you. No matter your age. I did
things for Connall, ones that I hate, and yet I did them because it would protect him. That is how
life goes.”

“Is it so awful of me to wish he would talk to me?”

He shook his head, “Of course not. That guy is just stupid. You’re right to be mad, I’m just
saying… There is something underneath. Rowan wouldn’t do all of that just for the pleasure of
hurting you. I’m sure he’s also protecting Lia.”

“From me?”

“From the situation. Hell, I love you girl, but you’re in a mess. Helia is going to ask questions one
day, asking what her mother looked like, why she’s gone. Rowan is terrified of that day. I think…
He doesn’t want her to have to ask about two women instead of one.”

“I want to stay,” she almost screamed, holding herself back. “I love her, maybe as much as I love
him.” Tough the love she held for them was different.

“I know that. Even Lorcan saw that,” Fenrys said. “Rowan is insecure, maybe you need to shout
that at his face. And… The thing is, there are forces against your relationship, maybe Rowan is
afraid that this isn’t a choice that only belongs to the two of you.”

Aelin had gone to sleep after that, or she, at least, isolated herself in her friend’s bedroom. She’d
thought about what Fenrys said, and it only confused her more. She’d thought that Rowan would
talk to her if he had any doubts. But how had she reacted the moment he confided on his thoughts
about their relationship? He hadn’t been kind with his wording, he couldn’t reproach her her
reaction.

She almost texted him a couple of times, always stopping herself before hitting send. Maybe they
needed a night apart to think. Tears burned her eyes when she got a text. Good night, Fireheart. I
love you.

She’d almost craved then, biting her lip to fight against the tears. She held strong and only
answered, Good Night, Rowan.

As if bad luck followed her, the next morning, her car didn’t want to start. When she lifted the car
hood, she was hit by dark smoke, sending her in a fit of cough which made Fenrys run out of his
house to check on her. He said he would look at her car, promising her he had skills in mechanics,
though she still doubted him, and drove her on campus.

She felt like she was taking advantage of his kindness, but he all but shoved her into the car and
started driving. She was happy she found a friend like him; one she could tell everything to.

Her heart squeezed when she thought of Dorian. Maybe she could tell him everything, she owned
him the truth. But if she told him, was it far to ask of him to lie to Lysandra?

Because if she did tell Lysandra, she couldn’t ask of her to lie to Aedion, not when romantic
feelings were involved. Why did things have to be so goddamn complicated?

Maybe things were truly doomed. There was no way Aelin could please anyone, and in whatever
ending she could imagine, she always lost. Every single time.

It wasn’t fair. She couldn’t have it all, and she despised that fact.
She got out of the car after thanking Fenrys with a kiss on the cheek. The flirt winked at her before
leaving, leaving her on the parking lot. She checked on her phone, walking toward the door when
someone grabbed her wrist. She gasped, her hand slipping in her bag to grab pepper spray.

She stopped herself last minute when her eyes caught sight of jet-black hair and piercing blue eyes.
“Dorian!” She hissed, a hand laying on her heart. “Are you mad?”

“Damn, I’m sorry,” he winced. “But did I just see you get out of Dr. Moonbeam’s car?”

Aelin looked back as I’d she could still see Fenrys’ car before looking back at her friend, “You
know him?”

He raised an eyebrow, “Apparently you know him better than I do, is he your little secret
boyfriend?”

“What?”

“I thought you were seeing a married man. Hell, at one point I even thought you were dating Chaol
again,” he explained. “But I didn’t think you’d be with someone like him.”

Her mouth hanged opened as she registered what her friend said, “Chaol?” She spat.

He raised his hands in the air in innocence, “I don’t know, Ae! You’re always out and so he is; you
can’t blame me.”

She could, actually. She might have tried to mend the bridges with him for their friendships, but
she wouldn’t get back with a man who cheated on her

She had more self respect than that.

“Wait,” she stopped him for a second. “What did you mean, someone like him?”

“Aelin,” he started, “He is like, fifteen years older than us.” Actually, it was twelve years. But she
didn’t think it would help her case. “It’s weird. Plus, he works for your father. This is a shark filled
field, what tells you he truly is there for you?”

She gasped, “I’m not dating Fenrys!”

“And yet, you’re on a first name basis with him.”

“Because he is a friend.”

“How did you even become friends with him?”

She opened her mouth without closing it, the truth almost escaping her. She remembered what he
said. It’s weird.

I’d he thought that a relationship with Fenrys was weird, what would he think of one with a
professor? Maybe she’d been wrong, she couldn’t tell him the truth.

“Aelin,” he said more softly. “I just want to protect you. You’re my friend.”

“Not everyone is going to take advantage of who I am,” she said, crossing her arms.

He sighed, “The first thing my dad said when he thought we were dating was, take every
opportunity you can.”
“Your father is a sick man.”

He rolled his eyes. “Old news, but he is a sick man who fits in. They are all sharks waiting for the
best opportunity, Aelin.”

“Never mind,” she looked away. The longer that conversation lasted, the more risks she had to
expose her secret. “Aren’t we late for class?”

—-

“I’m thinking about skipping today’s classes,” Aelin said, laying on the couch while Lysandra was
making them coffee. Dorian was putting on his shoes with one hand and holding a textbook in front
of his face to read with the other hand.

Lysandra snorted and winked, “Go ahead, it just brings me one place closer to Professor
Whitethorn.”

Aelin rolled her eyes, a pit forming in her stomach. Three days since their fight, and Aelin hadn’t
spoken a word to him. Every night she went to sleep with a good night text, and every night she
couldn’t help but answer. Ending the day without Rowan felt too weird, and those texts were the
closest she allowed herself to be to him.

Maybe she did go from sadness to anger these past few days.

“You won’t do it though, will you?” Dorian asked, finally looking up from his textbook.

She shrugged, picking at her nails. She truly did not want to go to class and spend an hour mopping
over Rowan. “Shopping sounds better than school today, to be honest.”

Lysandra handed her a cup of coffee and Aelin thanked her, sitting as to not spill the burning drink
onto herself and the couch. “Don’t tempt me,” the brunette sighed, falling next to Aelin onto the
cushion. “I haven’t seen the mall in what feels like years.”

Aelin looked at her friend and pouted, using one of Helia’s best tricks to get her way. Gods, she
missed the little girl. Maybe she could visit her and just… ignore Rowan. Her monthday was soon,
in less than two weeks. Aelin had to think of a gift.

Rowan wasn’t a fan of Helia getting gifts just because she decided her birthday had to happen
twelve times a year. It was just him trying to be tough. He spoiled that little girl more than anyone.
But anyway, fuck Rowan, Aelin wanted to spoil Helia.

“I do need a ride,” Aelin said, distracting herself from her thoughts. Her car was still at Fenrys’, he
promised to take a look at it when he had time.

Lysandra sighed, “I don’t know, Ace, there’s class. I’m a little behind in pharmacology history…”

“I can take notes for you,” Dorian said.

Aelin clapped in her hand, “See! There is always a solution!”

Lysandra bit her lips, “I’m not sure…”

“A girl’s day is an amazing idea, Lys! You haven’t gone out in so long, you need a small break
from all these textbooks, it’ll just help you focus better when you get back at it. And come on,
you’ve got to be the only one is our class who hasn’t skipped a single hour the entire semester.”
Lysandra squinted her eyes at Aelin, deep in thoughts. She whipped her head toward Dorian and
threatened him with a finger, “You sit and listen to every single word the professors say, alright? If
there’s any missing part of the class, I’ll know it and I promise, Dorian, I will take a scalpel and—”

“Got it,” Dorian said quickly, fear in his eyes.

Lysandra shifted her threatening gaze on her and said, “Don’t believe I don’t know what you are
doing, but I like your plan.”

“I’m jealous,” Dorian told them. “I like shopping.”

Lysandra ignored him and added, “But since you manipulated me, I’m choosing the stores.
Morrigan Secret’s first,” she smirked and winked.

Dorian groaned, “Do you truly hate me?”

---

“You were right,” Lysandra said around a mouthful of warm waffle. “A girl’s day was what we
needed.”

“Ah,” Aelin smiled. “My favorite words. You were right, there’s just something melodious.”

Lysandra rolled her eyes as Aelin barked a laugh, linking her arm with Lysandra’s. She took a
spoon of her ice cream, her thoughts once more going toward the father and daughter duo as she ate
their favorite flavor. Though she knew Rowan didn’t truly love chocolate, he only ate it to please
Helia.

“Anyway,” the brunette went on, still walking. “You did a good job not talking about him.”

Aelin’s heart almost stopped, and she swallowed difficultly her ice cream before asking, “Him?”

“That secret boyfriend of yours. You were attached to the hip for months and now you’ve spent
two days in a row at home, something obviously happened.”

“Oh.”

“You don’t have to tell me of you don’t want to,” she added with a kind smile. “I just want you to
know that even if things might have been tense a few weeks ago, I’m right there if you need
anything.”

Aelin’s rigid exterior melted, and she smiled at her friend, “You are great to me, Lys.”

“I know, I’m just a perfect person. Anyway, what happened?”

Aelin took a few seconds to think about what she could say, “We just had a fight and then I left.
Now I’m a coward and I avoid him, but the more I do that the angrier I am.”

“Who was in the wrong?”

“Both and none of us?” Aelin winced. “He got really mad for something we could have talked
easily about, but at the same time I understand where he is coming from. Then I left, when I could
have stayed to ease the discussion, but I was really mad so I kind of ignored him since.”

“But you’re mad he didn’t talk to you.” Lysandra stated with a small frown.
“I know! It’s fucking confusing, but it does make sense to me.”

“No, no, don’t worry. I really get it. But if communication is the problem, you should show him
how it’s really done.”

“But I keep doing that,” Aelin sighed. “I tell him everything, I express myself all the time, and yet,
I must tear things from him if I want to hear about him. It’s just so… exhausting.”

“That’s messed up.”

“And I think he is about to break up with me anyway,” she snorted, not a trace of amusement found
in her tone. “So maybe I’m just protecting myself.”

“That should be your priority.”

Aelin frowned, “Shouldn’t my relationship be priority? Doing everything so save it?”

Lysandra sighed, “In a perfect world, it would. But you are the one who will live with yourself
until your last day. You do what is best for you, no matter how it affects people around. You must
be your own priority.”

Aelin smiled at her friend, linking their elbows together, “You’re a good friend, Lys.”

The brunette’s eyebrow rose in surprise, “You don’t think I’m selfish?”

“I do,” Aelin shrugged. “But who said it had to be a bad thing? I wish I was more selfish. It would
have avoided me quite a lot of annoying situations.”

She wouldn’t be standing right there, for example. She wouldn’t have met Dorian, Lysandra or
even Rowan.

No, maybe everything had been for a reason. She didn’t believe in the Gods, but maybe there was
some twisted version of fate that pushed her into Rowan’s path.

But if fate truly existed, it would have found another way to have her meet with Rowan, one that
wouldn’t have let their relationship to being doomed.

Did it mean they weren’t made for one another? That her hopes of spending years by his side, to
watch Helia grow up together… Would it all be over soon?

She knew that she would never find anyone half as good as him, that she could never find another
perfect fit for her. He could be stubborn, and such a fucking bastard, too, but was she an angel?

She checked her phone to see that she had a text waiting from Fenrys. She bit her lip for a second,
thinking, before asking Lysandra, “Do you think you could drop me off at the hospital when we’re
done?”

Lysandra had a small frown of incomprehension before answering, “Sure, everything alright with
your parents?”

Her parents. Of course, Lysandra would assume her visits to the hospital were to see her parents.
“Yeah, my dad just wants us to have dinner together.”

“That’s great, we still got time?” She checked her watch to see that it was still late afternoon.

“Duh,” Aelin rolled her eyes, pulling Lysandra into yet another shop, “I still need more lingerie, of
course we still got time.”

---

Aelin yawned into her hand as she walked through the hospital’s corridor. She’d forgotten how
tiring a day of shopping was, and how good it felt to do just that. Maybe she and Lysandra should
do that once a month, just a little girl’s day. They could even ask Elide if she wanted to join next
time, and she knew that if they repeated the experience, Dorian would join.

That could be fun.

Her feet hurt as did her arms as she tried to join the pediatrics part of the surgical floor, why did it
have to be so far? Didn’t they know children had tiny legs and couldn’t walk too far? Or just that
Aelin would be in pain?

She sighed when she saw Fenrys at the reception of his part of the floor, talking with a nurse. He
cut the conversation short with a smile when he saw her coming, he turned around and hugged her
in greeting. Aelin let her bags on the floor to give her arms some sort of break. “You look
exhausted.”

She let out a fake sob, letting her head fall back. “Because I am! I never missed my bed as much as
I do now.”

He chuckled, shaking his head and crossing his arms. “How will you do when you’ll have to stand
for fourteen hours straight for a surgery?”

Aelin sighed, looking away for a second as she shifted on her feet, “I’m not sure I really want to.”

He frowned, “That’s a new development.”

“Not really,” she shrugged. “I’m just thinking about it more now. Surgery, that was my sister’s
dream, never truly mine.”

“What would you do instead?” He wasn’t judgmental, only interested.

It made her smile, cocking her head to the side, “What do you see me in?”

He narrowed his eyes, looking her up and down, “Modeling.” She groaned and he chuckled. “No,
for real, I don’t know. Maybe teaching? You seemed to be good with kids.”

Aelin frowned, “I never thought about that.”

“That’s just an idea,” he said, shrugging. “Anyway, here are your keys, I had a look at your car
before work today and it should work just fine.”

Aelin smiled at her friend and hugged him, “You’re too good to me, thank you, Fenrys.”

They let go of each other and he shrugged, “It was nothing, just hours of hard work and sweating
and hard wor—”

She slapped his shoulder, “Shut up.”

They laughed, Aelin looking around, but she soon lost her smile when she saw who was walking
toward them. Her spine straightened, her arms crossing over her chest. “Aelin,” he said, his voice
lacking any kind of emotion.
“Doctor Whitethorn,” she greeted in return. “Doctor Salvaterre,” he extended the same curtesy to
Lorcan who stood beside her boyfriend.

Fenrys winced but thankfully, he didn’t comment on it. “Far from your part of the floor, aren’t
you?”

“We had a patient here,” Lorcan answered.

She tentatively looked up at Rowan, only to find his eyes glued to the dozens of shopping back at
her feet. His jaw clenched, his arms crossing and mirroring her defensive position. “You’re got to
be kidding me.”

“Uh-oh,” Fenrys said from her right, but Aelin ignored him.

“Is there anything wrong, professor?”

“Is that what you were doing all day, instead to showing up to class? Shopping?”

She narrowed her eyes, “I do have my priority straight, sir.”

He looked angry at her, and as always, Aelin mirrored him. “I do not think you do, or they are the
priority of an irresponsible person. You dragged Miss Ennar into this, as well, but congratulations
on the responsibility.”

She rolled her eyes, “Oh, get over it. Your class is boring, skipping it once won’t kill any of us. By
the way, where’s your daughter? You know, the one you’re raising all on your own, no help from
anyone? If she’s with her grandparents, you might want to pick her up soon, you know, before any
wrong signals can be sent.” She was oh, so thankful that children required all the attentions of the
medical staff. At least, no one could hear them.

Fenrys coughed, “When I said I liked to watch, this isn’t what I meant.”

Aelin looked at him, so did Rowan, and they said at the same time, “Dude.”

He grinned, “See! You agree on something! Now, Aelin please do something against his brooding,
these past three days have been unbearable.”

“You think that’s funny?” Rowan snapped at Fenrys.

Lorcan surprisingly broke his silence, “He’s right, this needs to stop.”

Rowan looked utterly offended, “Deal with your own shit, get your nose out of mine.”

“When I’m the one being snapped at, it’s my business, whatever happened, just end it like adults.”
Aelin felt like she was also being scowled at. He grabbed Fenrys by the shirt and pulled him away
from where Rowan and Aelin stood.

Fenrys winced before throwing her keys to Aelin, she grabbed them shortly before they crashed to
the floor, “Your car is still where you left it.”

“Thanks again,” she managed to say before he disappeared down the hall.

Rowan frowned at the keys in her hands, “Why did he have your car keys?”

She swallowed before shifting on her feet. She was unsure about how Rowan would react about
Aelin seeking his friend out after their fight. But she also wouldn’t apologize for asking help from
her friend, too. “I slept at his house after our fight. I didn’t want to go back to my apartment, and I
had nowhere else to go.”

His entire face froze, “Fenrys doesn’t have a guest room.”

His tone was accusatory, and she opened her mouth before closing it again. “Do you have no trust
in me?”

“I do,” he answered too fast for it to be a lie. “I’m only worried.”

“He gave me his bed and slept on the couch. I would never do that to you, Rowan.”

He sighed, his face in his hands and groaning. “I trust you, Ae. I really do, it’s just that— “

“She liked Fenrys.” Aelin said. “I know. But I’m not her, you need to get that into your head.”

He nodded, looking around. “We need to talk. My office?”

She would like to refuse, to stay angry and protect herself. Stay selfish, like Lysandra had said.
Instead, Aelin nodded and followed after him until they reached his office. He let her in first, and
goosebumps broke into her skin and her body brushed against his. She swallowed before placing
her bags on the small couch under the window.

He closed the door behind him, and Aelin almost suffocated before she turned around to face him.
“You look pretty,” he said before she could say anything. “I like that skirt on you.”

She smiled. Her skirt was cute, she really loved it. It was blue with little pink butterflies on it, with
a white shirt tucked into it. “Thanks.”

He sighed, taking two steps forward and breaking the distance between them. “These past few
days, I’ve been a mess. Apparently so much that even Lorcan is done with my brooding.”

Aelin couldn’t help but smile a little, “And it says a lot, considering he could be the master of
grumpiness.”

Rowan barked a laugh, “That’s true. I- “he stopped for a moment before saying again. “I miss you,
Aelin. Helia does, too.”

She bit her cheek, “I don’t want to confuse her, or send the— “

“I was wrong, and I was a complete dick about it.” That stopped her, and with her eyes she asked
him to keep going. “I love you, Aelin, and you have no idea how terrified I am of losing you. But if
I lose you, so does Helia, and it was so much easier before she started seeing you as a mother
figure. When I got into this, when we started this relationship, I was ready to hurt. But I had no
idea you and her would create that bond, and how am I supposed to sit there while knowing there
is a chance she will be hurt? But also, I try to think about you. You are young, Aelin. You don’t
need to feel like you have to take care of a child while still being a student, fuck you don’t even
know if you want kids, and I— “

“I do,” she stopped him. “She made me realize that I want kids. Many. I want a car and a house full
of them, not a moment of break or silence. I do want kids, and I know I did not birth her, I know
she is Lyria’s daughter, no matter what happened I cannot change that. But I love her so much,
Rowan. I wouldn’t want to hurt her, never.”

He took another step closer and grabbed her hand. “I know. I’m terrified of what we cannot
control.”

“Are you,” she started, her voice breaking. “Are you breaking up?”

His eyes widened before he wrapped his arms around her, closing her into a warm and tight
embrace. “Never, I love you too much to ever let you go.”

Aelin’s barriers fell, and she grabbed tightly his shirt, hugging him closer to her. “Good, because if
you left me, I wouldn’t forgive you.” His breathe stutter, and she added, “I need you to be the only
person who’ll never let me go, Rowan.”

“I love you,” he breathed, kissing the crown of her head. “I will always be there for you.”

She breathed him in, promising herself to never go so long without being close to him again. Even
angry, she wanted to sleep in his arms. She stayed in his arms but backed down enough to look at
his face, “Do you truly think we are doomed?”

He sighed, his forehead falling onto hers and his eye closing, as if he was finally catching a
moment of peace after years of war. “I don’t think the odds are in our favor,” he answered. “But I
need you to trust me when I say, I’m doing everything that I can to protect and save us? And I
won’t stop now.”

She nodded, “I’m not sorry for giving you the cold shoulder.”

He laughed, shaking his head. “I didn’t expect you to. You had every right.” They smiled at each
other. It felt so, so good to have him back. He frowned, “Are my classes truly boring?”

She bit her bottom lip guiltily, “Sometimes.” He looked at her, doubting her claim. “Alright, yes.
But you’re hot enough to compensate.”

He rolled his eyes, but the tips of his lips rose. “Glad to know that. But maybe you just don’t like
what you’re studying? Because I know for a fact my class isn’t boring.”

She bit the inside of her cheek, “I think you’re right. I don’t.”

He didn’t say anything, only stroking her hair. They both knew the decision was in Aelin’s hands
now. She breathed, “I forgive you.”

He winced, “Don’t do that just yet. I still have something to tell you.”

“What is it?”

“I asked Fenrys for an appointment. We’re seeing him in three days.”

She pushed him back, “You did what?”

“I had to, Aelin.”

“You didn’t,” she snapped. “I thought we had a fucking deal, I thought I was allowed time to think
about it.”

“And have you?” He asked. “Been thinking about it?”

She looked away, not answering. Which was an answer of its own.

“That’s what I thought,” he said. “Aelin, I’m ready to give you as much time as you want for
everything else, but not that. Not your health. Please, come and see him. I’m worried for you.”

It was the vulnerability in his voice, the sincerity that had her barriers and weapons of ice melting.
“I’m sure it’s nothing.”

“If it’s nothing then you shouldn’t care for this appointment. Thirty minutes and I’ll let it go.”

She took a deep breath, wrapping her head around what he did. It wasn’t a betrayal, even if her sick
brain tried to tell her so. It was him caring for her, as a partner did for the one, they loved.

He loved her, and he was worried for her.

But there was that one truth she wouldn’t let herself admit until now, “You’re scaring me, Ro.”

His face fell, and he once again wrapped her into a hug. She held on to him as she held on to life,
and he kissed the crown of her head, “It’s going to be okay, I’m right here.”

“I love you,” she breathed, syncing her breathing on his heartbeat.

 Chapter 37

“Oh my,” Aelin gasped, her hips repeatedly slamming against the desk as Rowan thrust into her
from behind. She grabbed on whatever she could find, paper crumbling under her hands.

Rowan’s hand hit the skin of her backside, causing Aelin to bite hard on her lip to hold back the
scream she wanted to let out. Rowan cursed, his hold on her hip hardened as her muscles tightened
around his cock.

Rowan grabbed her hair, bringing them back to chest as his movements inside her quickened.
Aelin’s back was arched, her head falling onto Rowan’s shoulder. “Open your eyes,” he panted.

Aelin obeyed, only to close them again as she moaned loudly at the way he looked at her. Carnal.
Full of desire. Like she was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen. It was overwhelming, so much
that she clenched around him, close to her peak.

Rowan sensed that, knowing her body as much as he knew his own, and he slipped a hand between
his desk and her body, his fingers finding her sensitive bundle of nerve.

She grabbed his hand, the one playing with her flesh while the other one still held her head tightly,
and gasped, “Fuck, professor.”

Rowan’s cock twitched inside of her, her nails breaking his skin. “What did you just call me?”

Aelin fought herself to open her eyes, and when she looked at him, his whole attention centered on
her, she breathed, “Professor, please.”

She didn’t know where it was coming from, but she couldn’t think about it when Rowan’s cock
pressed against ever spot that made her see stars, not when her legs were shaking and ready to give
up on her. Not when they had to stay quiet and be quick, Rowan’s work waiting for him outside of
this door.

“Fuck,” he gasped, his thrusts quickening. She would be bruised at the end of this, and yet, she
found the idea arousing. “Say that again, and come for me, Fireheart.”

She pulled at his hair hard enough to make him hiss, his fingers pinching her clit. “Please, please,
please,” she begged, tears in her eyes. “Please, professor, please make me come.”

Rowan went feral at that, and when he pressed her bundle of nerves between his fingers hard
enough to hurt, Aelin’s vision exploded into flashes of white. Rowan’s hand that was in her hair
covered her mouth, unable to keep herself quiet as she cried Rowan’s name.

He came with three more thrusts, his grunts muffled into her neck. She was still high on pleasure
when her boyfriend pulled out, cupping her mount to ease her sensitivity. He threw the condom in
the trash and pulled her panties up and lowered her skirt back on her hips, sitting them on his small
couch with her on his lap.

Her arms were wrapped around his neck, breathing in the skin of his throat. He stroked her back,
lips laying kisses on her shoulder. “Are you feeling better?” He asked, a strand of her hair between
two of his fingers.

She frowned, pulling back and asking hoarsely, “What do you mean? I’m fine.”
He gave her a small smile, “You pretend you are, but you’ve been all over me for the past few
days. I’m not bothered by it, believe me, but I noticed you keep yourself very busy, as if you didn’t
want to think.”

She hummed, not allowing herself to truly let that sinking feeling take place within her. “It’s just a
lot.”

“The appointment with Fenrys, you mean?”

An appointment that was to take place in an hour.

They hadn’t really talked about that after they made up, but Aelin didn’t let herself forget it. She
played with the hem of her boyfriend’s shirt. She’d entirely ruined it, if anyone saw him right now,
they’d know he was doing some sort of physical activity. The best kind.

“A part of it, yeah.”

“What else?” He asked kindly.

She took a deep breath; he would be the first to hear of it. “I have another appointment today.
With… my former therapist.”

He cocked his head to the side in confusion, a finger under her chin forcing her eyes on him. “You
didn’t tell me.”

“I didn’t tell anyone. I- uh, wasn’t sure I’d go. I called the day after our fight, and now I’m
regretting my decision.”

“Are you going, then?”

She shrugged, “Still debating.”

“Yrene will not attack you,” Rowan said, “You can go once, just to test the water now that you
aren’t sixteen anymore. If you don’t like it at the end of the hour, just don’t go back. You have that
freedom.”

“I’m just scared,” she admitted. “What if she tells me I’m fucked in the head? We both know I am,
but hearing it out of a professional… It’s different.”

“We don’t know anything, Aelin, and even less that. You are not sick in the head. You’re my
beautiful girlfriend, who happens to be the strongest person I know, and I have no idea how you’re
doing it. And you are incredibly courageous for asking for help on your own, and it is not the first
time you’re doing so.”

“You say it like it’s a huge thing.”

“It is,” he said with confidence.

“Are you on shift this afternoon?” He’d managed to clear his schedule this morning for her
appointment with Fenrys. He had no idea how much it mattered to her. It was her health before his
work.

“I can have the day off, if you need support.”

“I-I want to do the appointment on my own, but maybe after it I will need you?”
He nodded in comprehension, “I’ll do what I can”

“I love you,” she breathed onto his lips, grabbing a fistful of his hair and pressing their faces
together. Rowan’s hold on her lips was nearly bruising, and yet Aelin still found comfort in it. She
straddled him, rolling her hips against his and breathing him in as if he was the only source of air
she could find.

He groaned, pulling back, “Are you trying to kill me?”

She bit her lower lip and grinned, “Maybe. Have you changed your will yet?”

He barked a laugh, his head falling onto her shoulder as they laughed in the quiet of his office, his
hand still rubbing her back. “You’re skipping a few steps here, Miss Ashryver Galathynius.”

“Hmm,” she hummed, playing with his hair. She enjoyed these relaxing moments with her
boyfriend. “You’re right. I still need to get those last names changed before I can officially become
your widow.”

He rolled his eyes, “Poor Mrs. Whitethorn. Barely married and already widowed. You’re going to
feed on everyone’s tears.”

She grinned, shaking her head. “Damn right I will. I already have a speech ready for your wake.”

He raised an eyebrow, “You do?”

She nodded, “I’m going to love their pity. It’s a speech full of how death is my curse and life
would be meaningless without you. I’ll be an amazing widow, I promise. Every penny you earned
will be thoughtfully spent.”

His head fell only the back of the couch, his gaze almost underwhelming as he tucked a strand of
her hair behind her ear. “I can’t believe you’d steal everything from Helia. Here I was, believing
you were becoming inseparable.”

She rolled her eyes and pushed on his shoulder even if he didn’t move an inch. “Why do you think
I’d accidentally poison your food? I want the kid for myself, half of your money will be spent in
matching clothes with her.”

“Congratulations, I can’t even be against that idea anymore. Though, you can spend that money
while I’m alive. I do want to see you two matching.”

“Hm, I’ll think about it,” she winked.

She could see it, Helia and her in matching dresses and shoes. Maybe Aelin should skip
tomorrow’s classes and spend another day at the mall. Hell, maybe she could even try to steal
Helia away for the day. Girl’s day, just with one twenty years younger than her.

She frowned, an idea starting to bloom into her mind. “Do you think it’d help our case?”

“Hm?”

“If we were, you know,” she hesitated before voicing her mind. “Married.”

She hadn’t really thought about it before, but now that the idea was there, she couldn’t quite shake
it off her brain. Would it be bad if Rowan was teaching his wife? And to her parents, marriage
should show commitment, their relationship wouldn’t appear as one of their doctor fooling around
with their daughter.

Rowan froze under her, his face turning into a frown. “It’s complicated.”

“Tell me,” she insisted. She wanted to know all their options.

“We screwed that idea up by hiding,” he said. “If we come out now to the school board, they’d
know we’ve been involved when you were my student. We can’t even pretend we’ve been
involved before the semester started as you were in another city and with another man, and the
school board will know that as your mother is part of it. So, either way, I’ll be labeled as a creep
and probably fired.”

“We can lie, say that we’ve been hiding from everyone for years. I-I could get Chaol to lie for us,
he owes me.”

He shook his head, “Don’t you think we are caught in enough lies? Even Helia’s grandparents are
starting to wonder about my secret girlfriend, it’s a miracle Helia never let you name slip away.”

“I don’t like lying, but I love you enough to do it for a lifetime. I’d keep doing it for a thousand
years if it kept me by your side.”

“I know, so would I,” he said, and she believed him. “But marriage, it’s not on the table. Not for
now. Even if it could fix our problems.”

“Why?” She breathed. Maybe… Maybe he didn’t want her forever.

“Because I already had one fucked up ceremony I barely remember. The next time I marry, it won’t
be in secret or away from where I live. I want the whole thing, the months of planning, wondering
where to place people of our family who clearly hate each other. I want hundreds of people
watching me marrying the woman I love.”

“I thought you hated crowds.”

He grinned before capturing her lips in a kiss. “I do. But not when it’s to show off to the world that
I’m the only lucky bastard who’ll have you.”

“Me?” She asked, her voice slightly shaking.

He frowned, “You think I’d want that with anyone else?”

He wanted her. Forever. A lifetime of Rowan and Helia… It sounded like bliss.

She went to kiss him before his phone pinged. He apologized and kissed her quickly before he
grabbed the device. He had to check in case of it was about a patient’s welfare.

He frowned, and Aelin mirrored his expression, but his face was back to normal soon after. “Is
everything alright?”

He turned off his phone before smiling at her, “Yeah, everything’s fine.”

“Who was it?”

“No one worth thinking about, don’t worry.”

---
“Come in,” Fenrys smiled warmly, opening his door.

She looked back, nobody was in the hall. No one could see her enter this room. Nobody to report
anything to her parents. Aelin grabbed the handle of her bag tighter and entered the room. Fenrys
closed the door behind her, and she stook awkwardly before him. “Ro,” she started, her voice
sounding all shades of wrong. “Ro’s going to join us in a few minutes, if it’s okay. He- uhm, he
didn’t want anyone to see us enter here together.”

“More than okay,” Fenrys’ warm voice said. He showed her the seat in front of his desk and
silently told her to sit. She could that, that shouldn’t be too hard. And yet, she felt heavy with every
step she took. “You look like the dead, Aelin,” he teased her.

“Fuck you,” she snapped before wincing at her tone. “Sorry, I-I’m just a little tense.”

“It’s okay,” he smiled kindly, and she let her shoulder relax. It was Fenrys, she shouldn’t snap at
him. He was her first ally in this entire mess, other than Rowan. He was her friend, and maybe him
more than anyone could imagine her pain.

He was going to tell her she was okay, that Rowan was just being his over-bearing self. The one
who healed people because he couldn’t heal himself. In an hour, it will all be behind them.

“Do you want to tell me what is wrong?”

She picked at her nails, looking everywhere but at the doctor. She was wasting his time, he was a
surgeon, his time should be better used to save people whose life were in danger. Not for Aelin’s
inexistent problems. “Rowan’s a dick, that’s what is wrong.”

“I thought you made up?”

“We did,” she affirmed. “It’d be better if he didn’t make me be here.”

He huffed a laugh, “I have a feeling no one can make you do anything.”

She didn’t have an answer to that, so she only focused on her nails until the door opened to let enter
Rowan. The weight on her chest eased the moment she saw him, and she could almost breathe
normally as he apologized for being late and leaned in to kiss her before sitting down beside her,
grabbing her hand in his.

“What did I miss?”

“Nothing,” Fenrys said. “Aelin was telling me all her secrets.” He winked at her boyfriend, and she
couldn’t help but chuckle.

“You’re such a liar.”

“Can’t we just get to the point?” Rowan asked, slightly irritated.

“You two are snappy today,” Fenrys said, seating deeper into his seat. She knew what he was
doing, it was one of the things he did best. Diffusing the tension. “Which is usual for you, but not
for pretty Aelin. Maybe she could give me a ride, you know, to rel—”

“If you finish that sentence you’ll spend the rest of your days without your dick,” Rowan
threatened him, a smile pulling Aelin’s lips up. “What to try it anyway?”

“Savage,” he murmured before coughing, using his doctor voice to ask, “What brings you two
there?”

Rowan looked at Aelin, waiting for her to speak. She shrugged, too busy biting her nails to answer.
Rowan grabbed her wrist and pulled it away from her mouth, which made her roll her eyes. “You
wanted to be there, Doctor, so go ahead.”

It was his turn to roll his eyes. His thumb stroked her hand, and he squeezed it once before starting
to speak. “Aelin’s menstruations have been absent for a little over nine years now.”

Fenrys’ eyes slightly widened, but it was gone one second later. “Have you ever seen a doctor for
that? Any treatment?”

She shrugged. She seemed to do just that a lot. “I mean, I told Ro.”

“Wait,” he stopped. “You didn’t talk about it for almost a decade? To no one?”

“It’s nothing.”

The two doctors exchanged a look she couldn’t really describe, before Fenrys started asking more
questions. When did her first period came. Were her period ever regular before they stopped. If she
ever had pain in her breast or cramps. Aelin answered every single question but didn’t look at
Fenrys. She wasn’t ashamed. Women’s health wasn’t something to be hidden.

No, if she didn’t look at him, she could pretend she wasn’t actually here. Somewhere she did not
want to be. Only one thing made her stay, if it was Helia in her place, she’d probably act the way
Rowan did. If it was Helia, Aelin would be worried.

She just never… cared enough about herself to care.

“So, no bleeding at all since you were fifteen?” Fenrys asked.

“I mean, I might have had my periods five or six times,” she answered. “But they were short, no
more than two days, I’d say.”

“Were they painful?” He asked. She nodded. “One a scale from one to ten?”

“Nine, maybe,” she answered. She still could remember the pain and had no wish to feel it again.
“I couldn’t walk or stand. I had to stay in bed every time.”

Again, Fenrys and Rowan threw a look at each other. She groaned, “Can you two stop doing that?
I’m right there.”

“Sorry, baby,” he said, kissing her cheek. “Work habit.”

She squeezed his hand. I love you.

“Anyway,” she turned to Fenrys. “Can’t you just prescribe me the pill? Then, everything’s fixed.
I’ll get period and that boyfriend of mine will be happy.”

Rowan groaned a warning next to her, and she knew that if it was proper, he would lean in and
whisper something dirty about how Aelin had been the one to beg him to take her without
protection. Or maybe he didn’t care about properness, he was just as uncomfortable being here as
she was.

Fenrys chuckled, “As amazing of a friend I am to Ro, I’ll put your health before his horny ass. The
pill is not the right move here, and your menstruations would only be artificial.”
“Who cares?”

“We do. Because your lack of circle is only a symptom of another problem.”

“Which problem?” She asked, her breathing short.

“That is the one-million-dollar question,” he sighed. “What you have is amenorrhea, which is the
lack of menstruation for more than three months. It can be caused by a lot of things, so we’ll run
some tests, alright?”

“But it’s not, like, serious, right?”

“Aelin,” Rowan sighed, turning his gaze onto her.

“It’ll depend on what the problem is,” Fenrys said, his humor long gone, and she could swear her
face turned two shade paler. “We’ll run some blood tests to see your hormonal levels, and if you’re
alright with it, I’d like to do an ultrasound right now.”

She whipped her head toward Rowan. He must sense her peak of anxiety or see it because he gave
her one of his charming, kind smile. The one who made her fall in love with him. He nodded, and
she swallowed as she looked back toward Fenrys. “Can Rowan stay?”

“Of course,” the two men said together.

She nodded, keeping her chin high as she said, “Then go ahead.”

The quicker Fenrys was done with that, the sooner they could leave. Aelin did as instructed, she
unbuttoned her pants and slid them down her legs and laid on the examination table, the paper
under her body everything but comfortable. Rowan raised her shirt himself, tucking it right under
her breasts before he grabbed her hand again.

He kissed her forehead, tearing a smile out of her lips. “It’s gonna be cold.”

“Eh,” Fenrys protested with a bottle of gel in his hand. “That’s my line.”

Aelin rolled her eyes, “Just do it, big boy.”

He appeared wounded as he moved the monitor next to the small bed. The screen was turned away
from her and Rowan, only Fenrys could see it. Somehow it made her more anxious, even if she
knew from medical shows that it was the procedure.

Rowan’s hands were moist, a silent sign of his anxiety. He was probably trying to hide it from her
to make her more at ease.

“Well, at least we’ll know if that plan B pill worked,” she said, trying to get him to laugh. Or at
least smile at her, but a genuine one. She didn’t care for Fenrys’ presence. He was the crudest
person she’d ever met; he shouldn’t care for some… small talk between her and her boyfriend.

Rowan narrowed his eyes at her in a way that told her to behave. She swallowed, looking at Fenrys
instead than him.

“You irresponsible bastards,” Fenrys grinned and shook his head, squirting some of that cold gel
onto her lower stomach.

“Should I remind you of everything you did in college?”

“Let’s not stain the walls of this room,” Fenrys winked at Rowan. “Back onto you, Lia would kill
for a sibling.”

Aelin snorted, “She’d kill that sibling. Imagine someone stealing her Dada’s attention away?”

“Eh,” Rowan protested, his voice rough.

Fenrys laughed, “She did accept you. I’ll say she can accept a mini-mommy,” he teased. “I’m
starting,” he warned before lowering the sonogram onto her stomach and spread the cold gel. She
hissed at the low temperature.

“You told him?” Rowan asked, sounding the slightest bit offended.

She shrugged, looking at him instead of Fenrys. “You didn’t want to talk about it, I had to speak
with someone.”

Rowan sighed, “Low blow.”

“OBGYN and couple therapist, I love how my life turns,” Fenrys grinned, eyes on the screen.

“Thirty-five and everyone else around you have a partner, you’re the only single one. How about
you start caring about that?” Rowan snapped, annoyed at Fenrys, but it lacked any heat.

Aelin stopped this exchange, even if it was entertaining to see her boyfriend getting snappy. “What
are you looking for, exactly?”

“I’ll know when I see it,” he smiled at her before turning his eyes back to the screen. He moved the
sonogram from left to right, applying enough pressure to almost be uncomfortable. She looked at
Rowan in alarm, but he just shook his head, his own way to tell her not to worry. “How about some
takeout tonight?”

She frowned, “Helia’s month day is only two weeks away.”

He shrugged, “Exams are near, you deserve some junk food.”

“You hate everything that’s not healthy,” she accused. Rowan had this weird obsession with
healthy food.

“But I love you.”

She broke into a smile, and he leaned in to kiss her quickly on the lips. She loved him more than
life itself. No one had cared for her this way before, until he showed up.

“Good news,” Fenrys broke them apart. “No cysts.”

Aelin gasped, raising on her elbows. “We were looking for cysts?”

“Show me,” Rowan almost ordered Fenrys, and he obeyed. He turned to monitor to them, and
Rowan slightly leaned in to see it better. Aelin couldn’t make anything out on the screen, they
hadn’t learned how to read ultrasounds yet. But from where Fenrys was pressing, she guessed it
was her uterus on the screen.

“Cancer?” Rowan asked Fenrys, his brows furrowed.

If she was standing, she would have fallen. She gasped, her breathing coming short, “What the fuck
do you mean, cancer?”
“For more than nine years and undetected?” Fenrys answered Rowan. “That’s highly unlikely, but
you know we’ll run all the tests.”

“Boys,” she snapped. “Talk to me, not to each other.”

“Sorry,” Rowan breathed, pushing her gently to lie back onto the table.

“Since when are we thinking about cysts and cancer?”

“Since you told me about your problem,” Rowan said quietly. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Was that why he
insisted so much on seeing a doctor?

“Amenorrhea is serious and can be caused by a lot of things. It can be caused by cancer or cysts,
which is why I wanted to cross that off the list first thing.”

“But I don’t have cancer, yeah?” She asked more quietly. “You’d see that on the ultrasound,
right?”

Rowan squeezed her hand, “Tumors are tricky, they can hide much better than cysts, which is why
Fenrys will run some more tests, correct?”

He nodded, “If you’re okay with it, I’d like to perform an endometrial biopsy then blood tests and
we’ll see each other next week once we get all the results, alright? But I’ll be honest, I don’t think
it’s cancer. It wouldn’t have gone undetected for so long, and from what you told me, you don’t
have any other symptoms.”

She looked to Rowan, and he nodded, “He’s right. It’s just to make sure.”

She nodded then, “Alright, do whatever you need.”

---

After a nap in Rowan’s arms, they made their way to the therapist’s office downtown. She wanted
to cancel, this morning’s appointment was a lot to take in, even if both Fenrys and Rowan had
eased her worries.

Rowan told her that if he really believed she had cancer, he wouldn’t have let her wait the couple
of weeks between the first time she told him about her condition and the appointment.

She was just… tired.

“Do I really have to go?”

He smiled at her, a hand on her thigh as he drove. “One time, and if you don’t like it you can stop.”

He was right. If she bailed today, she probably would never dare coming back again. This day
would just be a bad one, and Rowan would help her feel better tonight with a lot of snuggles. She
loved snuggling her boyfriend.

While they waited for Aelin’s turn, Rowan told her all about how Helia screamed this morning
because her cereals were wrong. She refused to eat anything else, and her father had to stop on the
way to school to buy her one of the pastries Aelin had brought over once and now, Helia was
addicted.

Aelin was chuckling, teasing her boyfriend about how she and Helia are teaming up when it comes
to food when the door of the office opened. Yrene was just as Aelin remembered her, beautiful and
soft. Her father had chosen her because he thought that having a therapist not much older than
Aelin would help her talk. He’d been wrong. Aelin sat in that office for five hours and almost
never uttered a word.

“Aelin,” she greeted her warmly. Aelin stood, doing her best to return that smile. She held her hand
to Yrene who squeezed it gladly. “It’s good to see you again. Shall we?”

Once inside, Aelin already missed Rowan. She ignored the feeling, instead she focused on the
brown-skinned woman sitting in front of her. Her hair was tied in a messy ponytail, allowing the
world to see the lines of her neck. She really was beautiful.

“What brings you here today, Aelin?” She asked, a notebook on her lap with a pen in her hand.

She shifted uncomfortably in her seat, “The last as last time.”

“Maybe you could say it? Words have power, you know. We are the ones giving them this power.”

That was true in a way. For too long she’d let words keep her away from people. “I’m here because
my sister died, and I think I might have PTSD.”

“Good,” she praised, a warm smile on her face. “That’s very good, actually. If you allow me to ask,
what makes you believe you suffer from PTSD?”

That question was bound to be voiced; Aelin was prepared for it. Aelin hesitated before saying, “I
think it needs a little context before. My sister, Celaena… I saw her death.”

Aelin proceeded to recall most of the story to Yrene, how angry they were at their parents, how
they had the idea of the party and wanted to piss off their parents. She told Yrene about why they
were mad at their parents, how Aelin always felt more loved by the nurses than by her own
parents. How Aelin left with a boy that night, and how she felt something was wrong. She told her
about the blood and about Aelin’s begging. How she stayed alone in the hospital.

“That’s a lot,” Yrene said. “Even more for a child.”

“I wasn’t a child,” Aelin said uncomfortably. “I was fifteen.”

Yrene gave her a kind, sad smile. One that broke Aelin’s heart. “Yes, you were a child.”

“Oh.”

That was it. Oh. She thought therapy was supposed to make her feel better. Instead, she wanted to
lay on the floor and cry.

Aelin told Yrene about the pool incident, how scared she was when she saw it. How she never
managed to say Celaena’s name for years. She told her about the tears and the anger. She told her
about the clothes and med school.

Yrene stayed silent once Aelin was done, and her heart beat wildly. “You think I’m a freak.”

“No,” Yrene denied in a second, fear easing from her chest. “It is not uncommon for a grieving
person to want to replace the person they lost, it’s even harder when it was a twin. You two were
mirrors of each other. You did not just lose your sister and friend; you lost a piece of yourself. You
wanted to replace it; it can be healthy to an extent.”

“Let me guess,” Aelin snorted. “I don’t fall into the healthy box.”
“There are no boxes, Aelin,” Yrene said, taking notes. “But no, it wasn’t healthy. You hurt
yourself in the process.”

“But I don’t do that anymore,” she assured her therapist. That part of her life was over, she was
focused on healing now.

Yrene cocked her head to the side, “I’m wondering, what was the thing that made you realize you
needed to stop? What was your trigger?”

Aelin looked around the room, she swallowed before asking, “Whatever is said here, you can’t
repeat it to anyone, right?”

“I need to report it if I think you are a danger to yourself or to others. Other than that, you’re safe.”

There was no danger to her person, or even to someone else. At least, no physical danger. She
could tell Yrene, but should she? Before she could change her mind, she answered, “My boyfriend.
I met him, and it was the first time I told someone about Celaena.”

Yrene checked a note and asked, “Chaol, right? You told me a little about him last time.”

“Oh,” Aelin stopped fidgeting for a moment, “No. Chaol and I, we broke up before New Years. He
cheated.”

“I’m sorry.”

Aelin waved it away, “I don’t really care. He was there because… I felt lonely. I don’t think he
ever truly loved me, and it was the same for me. I just didn’t want to be… alone. Is it weird?”

She shook her head. “It is not. You have always been alone; it is normal to want someone to fill
that void. You started dating Chaol right after your sister passed, didn’t you?”

Oh. She never realized that. That answered questions she never had the answers for. “A month
after.”

“How did you and your new boyfriend meet? Is he the man in the waiting room?”

Aelin couldn’t help but grin when she imagined Rowan sitting outside of this very room. Waiting
for her. “He is. We, uh, we met four years ago but only got involved at the beginning of this
semester.”

“How come? You told me that when you met him you felt as if you could speak, so how come did
it take four years for you two to be together?”

Aelin winced. “That’s when the story becomes complicated.”

She gave her a smile. “I can do complicated.”

“He was married. With… With a child on the way, not that I knew that. And he was much older
than me. We met on my birthday and then… never spoke for three and a half year, I lived at the
other side of the country. But he never left my mind.”

“Was married?”

“She passed.”

“My condolences. He is a parent, then?”

Aelin grinned. “Helia is an amazing kid. I love her so much, I think she is one of the reasons why
I’m here. I want to be in her life permanently, but I don’t want her to have a fucked-up person
around.”

“How did your parents react when they found out about this new relationship?”

She winced. “They don’t… know about it.”

Yrene frowned. “Why’s that?”

Aelin sighed. She did have to bring it up at one point, didn’t she? “Because Rowan, my boyfriend,”
she explained. “He, uh, he is one of my father’s employees. And my… professor.” She admitted
the last part quietly, looking away.

“Oh.”

“There’s nothing bad about it,” Aelin quickly said. “Rowan isn’t a creep or anything you might
think. He never treated me differently or even abused his power in anyway. And if we’re being
honest, I also hold power over him considering he works for my father. There is nothing malicious
between us, nothing else than love.”

“I wasn’t thinking anything,” Yrene said. “It is unconventional, and if I remember well, it is also
against your university’s rules, but it is not illegal. You are a mature adult, who consents to a
relationship with another adult.”

Aelin sagged in relief. She would never let anyone believe anything bad about Rowan. Not when
he worked so hard for their relationship to work. “Good. He doesn’t even hold power over my
grades. His friend is the one marking my tests.”

“His friends know then?”

Aelin nodded.

“Who else knows about your secret?”

“His friends and his daughter, but we try to not expose her too much to our lies.”

“You didn’t tell your friends? Or your cousin and uncle? From what you told me, you could trust
them, correct?”

Aelin opened her mouth before closing it again. “I don’t. Not with this. There are too many
variables, too many things to take into account. Too many possibilities for Rowan and Helia to be
hurt.”

“What about you? Doesn’t it hurt to keep so many secrets?”

She shrugged. “I don’t care.” That was a lie, but she was allowed one of those from time to time. “I
just need them safe.”

“Why was Rowan allowed to tell his friends but not you?”

“One of my friends Elide, she knows. She is dating Rowan’s best friend.”

“Would she be aware of this relationship if it wasn’t for her connexion to both Rowan and you?”

Her lack of answer was answer enough.

“You trust strangers more than your own friends and family?”

“We didn’t exactly have a chance to keep it secret with them. They caught us in a quite
compromising position.”

“You could have lied,” Yrene said. “If I am being honest, that is what I would have done if trust
was my issue. I would have pretended to break things up. I wouldn’t have put my secret in the hand
of a child.”

She bit the inside of her cheek, only realizing it when blood spilled into her mouth. “What do you
think my problem is, then?”

“Don’t you believe that you issue is more with commitment than it is about trust? At least now that
you opened your heart to Helia and Rowan.”

“No, no, no,” Aelin shook her head. “If anyone has commitment issues, it’s Rowan. Not me.”

Yrene hummed. “Don’t do that,” Aelin asked. “All that humming therapist bullshit. If you have
something to say, just do.”

“You are a people pleaser.” Yrene said with a straight face. “Taking Celaena’s characteristics was
as much for you as it was for your parents. Rowan is the first thing you have chosen for yourself,
and you’re afraid that if someone knows about it, they’ll not love you anymore. You’re not that
little girl they can bend to their desires and wishes, why would they still take interest in you? What
would you do without the five minutes a month of attention your parents give you? It’s not—”

“Stop it,” Aelin said, her voice breaking. “So, what if I am? Rowan’s got my back, even if they all
reject me, it’ll all be fine.” She hoped it would.

“How about you get your own back?”

Aelin frowned, “What do you mean?”

“I’m very happy you found yourself someone good for you, I truly am, Aelin. But everything
you’ve been saying for almost an hour is how Rowan saved you. How if he is here, you’re okay.
How you’re here for his daughter. I believe you think of yourself so cruelly you can’t give yourself
credits for what you truly accomplished.”

Aelin looked through the window, a small bird building his nest on a tree outside. “I don’t like
you,” she mumbled.

“It’s okay,” Yrene said, not fazed by it. She probably heard worse. “I’m only here to give you
another perspective of your feelings. You can choose to listen or to ignore me, there are no rules. I
could be wrong, you are the only one capable of knowing what is true and what isn’t.”

“Rowan is amazing,” Aelin said quietly.

“I’m sure he is,” Yrene answered. “But you know who is amazing, too? You. You are.”

Her lips parted, “You think so?”

Yrene cocked her head to the side, “You are asking for help, actively try to be a better person
every day and put yourself through pain to please people who never cared for you, Aelin. Yes, you
are a good person. Yes, you are more than capable of saving yourself.”
“But Rowan, he—”

“Is your partner,” Yrene supplied. “He is by your side, holding your hand and encouraging you
while you work on yourself. You never had a model of a healthy relationship as a child, it’s
perfectly normal for you to feel that way.”

“I can’t believe I’m paying you to insult me,” Aelin whispered under her breath. “You think my
relationship with Rowan is unhealthy?”

Yrene wrote something down before answering. “I do feel like you are dependent on him. Which
could be bad at one point, it could hurt you.”

“I really don’t like you now,” Aelin sighed.

She wasn’t dependent on Rowan. She loved him a normal amount, fuck whatever people say about
needing models in life. Aelin’s role model were women in books, and they all loved their love
interest enough to die for them.

“I think I’m done for the day,” Aelin said, her eyelids falling and sleep pulling her in. It was a
rough day.

Yrene nodded, “Our hour is almost done. I think you did great, Aelin. The first session is hard,
recalling bad memories can be extremely exhausting for your body and mind.”

She held herself from snorting. Somehow, if she did, she knew Yrene would over-analyze it the
way therapists do.

Basically, she was doing everything wrong. She didn’t cope the good way, she didn’t have the right
issues and apparently, she didn’t even love her boyfriend the correct way. She shouldn’t have come
here.

Even if… She felt relieved having told someone. She hadn’t looked down on her for her
relationship, but wasn’t what she was paid to do?

She thought she’d feel different, that one session of therapy would heal her. Instead, Aelin felt
tired.

“Do you want to reschedule another appointment?” Yrene asked.

Therapy was a long work, everyone said. Did she want to go down that road?

“Sure,” Aelin smiled, though it felt a little forced. She could give it another go. It wouldn’t kill her,
right?

Yrene seemed genuinely happy at that and gave her another appointment three weeks from now.

Rowan stood the moment the door opened, and she rushed into his arms. He opened for her and
took her into his warmth. He kissed the crown of her head, and she sighed into this embrace. “Take
me home.”

“Are you okay?”

She nodded into his chest. “Yeah, I’m just sleepy.”

He chuckled, holding her by under her back and her knees, holding her as if she was a princess.
Aelin laughed, wrapping her arms around his neck. “Such a gentleman.”
“For you? Always,” he kissed the tip of her nose and walked them to his car.

Yeah, if Rowan was with her, she’d be fine.

 Chapter 38

Rowan grabbed Aelin’s hand, stopping her fidgeting. He held her hand, fingers linked together as
his thumb rubbed her skin.

“Are you anxious?” She asked him. If he was, she wasn’t sure she could handle that. Or maybe it
was what she needed. She would take care of him, forgetting about her own feelings.

For the last week, she could still sometimes hear Yrene in her head. She really did need a shrink if
she heard voices.

Aelin had some thoughts about narrating her session to Rowan, maybe she shouldn’t, but the
moment he looked at her and asked if she wanted to talk about it, she spilled the beans. Maybe it
just proved Yrene right, that Aelin always counted on Rowan to solve her problems. But also,
Rowan was her partner. Yrene said that it was normal for him to be by her side and hold her hand.
She could tell him.

He frowned when she mentioned her alleged dependency on him. He asked her what she thought
about it, and while her first instinct was to deny it, she only shrugged. “I don’t know, maybe she is
right,” Aelin had said. Rowan nodded and took her to bed after that.

He hadn’t let her do anything that night. Aelin was aware that if Helia hadn’t been in the house, he
probably would have tied Aelin up so she wouldn’t move as he took special care of her. With the
toddler’s new habit to leave her bed to join Aelin and Rowan’s because she felt bored… They’d
decided to avoid anything that was… too much if they weren’t alone. She didn’t want Helia to ever
witness… that.

“No,” Rowan answered with a kind smile, the one he never showed the world. The one only Aelin
and Helia knew, and the one they loved so much.

“Why?”

He played with a strand of her hair, her legs over his lap. They were in Fenrys’ office, waiting for
him to come back with her results. Her hands hadn’t stopped shaking since she woke up this
morning.

“Because we have no idea what will happen,” he answered quietly. “I’ll have all the time to react
badly if it’s something bad. But it is no use to worry for something you cannot control nor
something you know.”

She huffed a laugh. “Why wait when you can have all the fun now?”

He squeezed her thigh, her head rising to look at his face. “It’s going to be okay. I promise.”

“What if it’s not?”

“I’ll be there every step of the way. You won’t deal with it alone.”

She nodded. A year ago, she thought everyone was exaggerating when they talked about love.
They always described it as something deep, something powerful. But now that she had Rowan,
Aelin knew that these people undersold this feeling. If Rowan was by her side, she felt as if she
could lift mountains.
And well, maybe it wasn’t healthy. Maybe she counted on him too much, but it was better feeling
over powered than going back to hating herself and life. At least, that was what she told herself
every time she came home to Rowan instead of her apartment.

She did spend time with Lysandra and Dorian at school, she stayed with them at the library to
study, something she stopped doing a while ago. But she still rather spend her nights at her
boyfriend’s place. Especially with everything on her plate lately, she needed the distraction him
and Helia provided on a daily basis.

Her apartment was occupied by stressed out med students. She wouldn’t want to step a foot into
the anxiety-filled air of this place.

She couldn’t help but ask the question that had been torturing her mind for the past week. She
didn’t want to ask it at first, but she supposed that now they were waiting and had nothing else to
do, she could voice it. “Do you think I’m dependent on you?”

His body stiffened for a moment, “Why do you ask?”

She shrugged. “I only heard my therapist’s opinion on that, and she isn’t in our relationship. But
you are, so I would just like to know what you think of that. If she is right.”

Rowan was more objective than her, even if she was aware that he still saw her through the eyes of
a man in love. She still wanted his point of view. She noticed how he kept it to himself, only
asking her questions about what she felt and never expressed himself. Maybe he wanted to protect
her, maybe he wanted her to process alone… But she wanted his opinion.

“I think you isolated yourself, and it scares me.”

“I isolated myself?”

He shrugged, “I mean, in a sense. You made friends with my friends but you are yet to spend a
night with your friends at your apartment. And don’t think it bothers me, I would have you in my
house every minute of every day if I could, but what I want the most is your happiness.”

“I’m happy.”

“It’s great to hear that. But wouldn’t you be happier with your friends, too?”

“Oh.”

“There is also Aedion,” he added with a kind voice, his thumb still caressing her skin.

It was her turn to stiffen, she looked away as she asked, “What about him?”

“You once told me you two couldn’t go a day before making up when you were on a fight, and yet
it’s been weeks now.”

“I don’t want to see him,” she mumbled, not really in the mood to expand on that. Aedion didn’t
trust her, he was supposed to be her ally in this family, and yet his opinion on her was lower than
hell.

“He is your cousin, Hellas, he is more your brother than your cousin,” Rowan kept going. “You
should—”

“It’s the problem, Rowan. He is like my brother, and yet he didn’t have my back.”
“Because you lied.”

“For you,” she snapped. “I’m lying for you. You’re the one who will be in trouble if I don’t lie to
everyone.”

He frowned, “Don’t get mad. You asked for my opinion, that is what I gave you.”

He was right. She sighed, her head falling onto his shoulder. “I’m sorry. You’re right, I’m just so…
tense.”

He wrapped an arm around her shoulders, pressing her close to him. He kissed the crown of her
head, “I know, Fireheart. I wasn’t accusing you of anything, just… I don’t want our to come at the
cost of your friends and family. If you have to tell him, do it.”

She hesitated for a second, playing the scene in her mind. She quickly shook her head, “I don’t
think he’d be on our side.”

There was nothing to answer to that, he just tightened his hold around her. She felt empty, feeling
as if she had to choose between her lover and her family. The family she found and the one she was
born into. She’d lost too much already to lose any of them, to be ripped from people she loved once
more.

The door opened, letting Fenrys in. He had a bunch of papers in his hand, sending a warm smile
her way. “Sorry, it took a while.”

Aelin stayed on Rowan’s side, she didn’t want the few inches of emptiness between them. The
closer she was to him, the better she felt. “It’s okay.”

The looked between her boyfriend in and when he sat, then he wiggled his eyebrows, “Hope you
two didn’t have too much fun while I was gone.”

“One more word,” Rowan said, on a threatening tone. “And I’ll shut you up with that tie around
your neck.”

Aelin pressed her lips together. Fenrys’ tie had been the cause of a lot of mockery the entire day.
When Aelin entered the hospital she’d seen Vaughan, he warned her to not say a word about
Fenrys’ outfit. She’d been confused until she saw Rowan and he told her, while laughing which
was rare for her boyfriend, about his friend’s choice of tie.

Indeed, over a white shirt, Fenrys had wrapped a red tie with prints of clowns on it. He narrowed
his eyes at Rowan, apparently the great Fenrys Moonbeam was touchy when it came to his sense
of fashion. “Sorry, this appointment is only between doctor and patient, no annoying boyfriend
allowed.”

Aelin rolled her eyes, “Stop this, just tell us what’s on those papers.”

Any other circumstances and Aelin would have jumped on the occasion to tease Rowan and make
him a little jealous. But not today, and her friend seemed to understand that because his doctor face
slipped on, “I won’t beat around the bush, there is a good and two bad news. For the good one,” he
said, handing Rowan some papers. “There is no cancer.”

Aelin’s entire body relaxed at those words. No cancer. No cancers. Aelin didn’t have a cancer.

Rowan also let out a long, relieved sighed. He read through the documents, probably Aelin’s
biopsy results as he rubbed her shoulder. He kissed her forehead, “That’s good.”
She gave him a smile, probably more convincing now that this threat was far away from her. She
nodded, kissing Rowan quickly on the lips. No cancer. No cancer. That was the good news.

But Fenrys said… “What about the bad news?”

Her friend’s face changed into a wince, “There are actually two bad news.”

Once more her breath was stolen away, and not in a way that she loved. Seconds felt like hours as
she waited for Fenrys to speak. Whatever he said… She could just brush it off. She had for nine
years. It didn’t have to affect her, to hurt her.

“The first is that we have no idea what caused your amenorrhea. Every test we ran were
inconclusive.”

“Have you tested everything?” Rowan asked.

Maybe she’s been made wrong. She always felt as if something was wrong with her, ever since she
was a child. It always been emotional, always been questions she couldn’t voice out of shame.

Why do my parents rather spend their time with strangers than with me?

Why do my parents never tell me they love me?

Why do they look at me as if I was someone they disliked?

But what if this feeling was just… The emotional manifestation of something physically wrong?
What if she somehow knew all along that she was… wrong. Maybe that was the answer to all of
her questions.

She wasn’t their perfect daughter. She was a mistake in a lifetime of perfection.

“Is there no other Is there no other explanations?” Rowan asked, and Aelin supposed Fenrys had
answered his first question.

She didn’t like to see Fenrys’ face without his amused, wicked grin. “There are, but none we can
test.”

“What are they?”

He took a deep breath, turning his entire attention on her. He discarded the papers in his hands
before speaking. “Especially if amenorrhea appears during teenage years, it could be caused by an
eating disorder.”

“No.” She stopped him immediately. “I don’t have an eating disorder.”

Fenrys didn’t answer right away, as if he was looking for the right words to say. “It might not be
something easy to admit—”

“Yeah because there is nothing to admit,” she snapped and Rowan squeezed her hand in support.
She was grateful he didn’t interject even if she was sure his voice would have more power than
hers, if only because not a lot of people would admit suffering from an eating disorder. But she
wasn’t one of them. Her struggle had never been food. “I swear.”

“Alright, I believe you,” he said sincerely. “It’s just my job to insist.”

“Is there any other reason that could explain?”

He nodded, “A lot of physical exercise,” he started, and Rowan snorted at that one which earned
him a glare from her. “High stress, family history, trauma, low bo—”

“What do you mean by trauma?”

She could feel Rowan’s gaze on her face, warming her up all over. Not alone. She wasn’t alone.

Fenrys seemed surprised she stopped him, but he went along and explained. “Emotional trauma
can be very hard on the body; the mind stops functioning and so does the body for the non-vital
parts of it. All the body’s energy is used for… surviving. Why?”

Aelin swallowed, the nails of her free hand already breaking her skin and she looked away, “Don’t
look further. You found the reason.”

Rowan sat straighter in his chair, looking for her gaze but she wouldn’t look at him. “You were
fifteen when…”

“When my sister died, yeah. You found your fucking reason.”

She tried to swallow back her tears, tried to think about anything else but bloody water. Thinking
about Celaena hadn’t been in her plans today. This was supposed to be a day about Aelin, not that
she enjoyed it, but it was her problem. Her way of seeking help. And yet, it always went back to
her sister.

Her periods had stopped coming right after Celaena passed, but Aelin only noticed it a year after.
For so long after her passing, Aelin had been separated in two. Her body, doing everything as an
automatism, and her mind screaming nonstop for months, with no one to hear.

“I’m sorry,” Fenrys’ soft voice cut through her wave of emotion.

Aelin shook her head and grinned, making it the most convincing possible. “Don’t worry, pretty
boy.”

He looked at Rowan, but she didn’t follow his gaze. Fenrys, she could pretend in front of.
Rowan… She couldn’t lie to him.

“Aelin,” her boyfriend breathed. “You don’t have to pretend.”

She looked at him then, and his worried yet loving gaze almost shattered her heart. “I know, but
it’s just another consequence. I delt with all the other ones for almost a decade now, I can deal with
this one just fine.”

He looked doubtful but let go, he probably didn’t want to pressure her into talking when they
weren’t alone. He turned to Fenrys, “I heard of trauma doing such thing on the body, but isn’t nine
years a little long?”

“That is what leads me to my second bad news,” Fenrys said. “After all the tests, we found that
Aelin’s AMH’s levels are… extremely low.”

Rowan’s hand around hers stiffened, so did his entire body. Aelin had never heard of AMH, but
Rowan was a doctor. He had to know. “How low?” He asked, his voice like cold death.

“0,3,” Fenrys answered, handing Rowan a paper. Aelin tried to read it but she couldn’t understand
anything. Why couldn’t these gods dammed doctors make the paper easier to right?
Rowan’s eyes skimmed over the paper, “Are you serious? Run that test again.”

“We did, twice.”

“What does that mean?” Aelin asked. She didn’t like to see Rowan lose his cool, he was always so
level-headed. If he was worried, if he showed that worry…

“As we know, Amenorrhea can have a lot of consequences on reproductive health. So, I ran tests
on your AMH levels, which is the hormone that tells us about egg reserves and ovulation.”

“Alright,” she was barely following. “And what?”

“At twenty-four, your levels should be around 35, but they are… Low. Too low.”

She looked at Rowan, he was still holding her hand, reading that document over and over again.
“What does that mean? Am I… Am I infertile?”

Fenrys looked away for a second, weight crashing onto her. Air didn’t come quickly enough into
her lungs, her heart pounding loudly into her ears. “It doesn’t mean you won’t be able to have
children if it is what you want. Science progresses so quickly that—”

His voice faded as her thoughts grew louder and louder. She was barely aware of Rowan asking
questions to Fenrys, asking for solutions and alternatives. But all she could focus on was these
images on her mind, breaking and shattering more and more as second passed.

Aelin, with a swollen belly, Helia hugging her.

Rowan, holding a newborn as Helia slept on his lap, his shinning smile in her direction.

Three kids laughing in the backseats of a car, Rowan driving with a hand on her thigh as she played
card with the kids.

She wouldn’t have that. Not now, not ever. Her family was broken, and she had no way to make a
new one, to grow her new family.

This was too much, too much for too little time. She couldn’t breathe, couldn’t see anything, her
vision blurred. She stood, her chair making a loud creaking noise behind her. “I need air,” she
whispered, and then she left. She didn’t know where she was walking to, just that she needed air,
that she needed to get away from this place, away from her own mind.

Cold air hit her face, she gasped. She needed to breathe, that should be her main focus. Breathe in,
breathe out. It was easy in theory, so why was it so hard to actually do? No matter how much air
she took in her lungs, it wasn’t enough.

A hand on her shoulder startled her, she turned around to find Rowan behind her. They were in the
parking lot, no one to see them when he cupped her cheeks. “It’s okay, Fireheart. I know,” he said
it as if it was a promise. “I know. Breathe with me.”

She shook her head, she couldn’t, it was too hard.

He nodded, “You can. Breathe with me, I’ll always be by your side, remember?”

Tears burned her eyes as she nodded, and she followed his lead. He guided her to breathe, always
keeping his hands on her. Grounding her into reality. He didn’t tell her that it was okay, he only
helped her out of that dark place she’d just been thrown into.
She sagged into his body, as if she didn’t have any more strength to stand. Rowan caught her,
pressing her into him. “I got you,” he breathed into her ear, a hand into her hair.

“Take me home,” she asked. “Please, I want to go home.”

“Alright,” she could faintly feel him nod. “I need to pick up Helia then we can go home, alright?”

Aelin nodded, Rowan guiding her to his car. She didn’t say as word as she sat beside him, the
landscape holding hostage her entire attention. But then, “Are you mad?”

“Why would I be mad?”

She shrugged, though he couldn’t see it as he was driving. She looked everywhere but at him,
“You want more kids. I ruined that.”

“You didn’t ruin anything,” he growled, as if he was angry. But then his voice became normal
again. “I have one hellion at home who takes a lot of my energy already. I could do without
another child, and even if having a child is still in our plans in a few years, then there are a lot of
solutions. Just because our chances of you getting pregnant are low doesn’t mean they are
inexistent.”

“The more I age the more this goddamn hormone’s level lowers.”

“Fenrys talked about freezing your remaining eggs,” Rowan explained.

She huffed a laugh, crossing her arms over her chest. “Amazing. Nothing will be a surprise; it
won’t be between the two of us. I’ll have to see hundreds of people every month just in chances to
be pregnant. Amazing, truly.”

“What else do you want me to say, Aelin?” He hissed. “That it’s your fault and there is nothing
else to do? Do you want me to lie, is that it?”

“I want you to stop talking.”

He snorted, “Didn’t you ask me a question first?”

“And instead of telling me that I was doing okay, that I was doing a great job, you tried to fix me.
I’m so fucking done with how you try to fix me all the time.”

“Aelin,” he said, voice calm and yet his knuckles whitened around the wheel? “Maybe we should
talk about it later.”

“No,” She shook her head. “No, we don’t. I’m so sick of how you’re acting around me. You only
want to fix me because you can’t fix yourself and you need a fucking replacement and guess what
Rowan? I. Am. Not. A. Replacement.”

He turned his sharp gaze onto her, “You could not be more wrong.”

She huffed a laugh, the noise sounding hateful even in her own ears. “Yeah? Is that why you
jumped at the occasion of fixing another one of my problems? Same when you drove me to the
therapist even if I was about to cancel?”

“I pushed you to see a doctor because I’m worried sick for you,” he snapped. “Because I love you.
I’m sorry no one ever showed you that kind of care before, but I am not trying to fix you.”

“Fuck you,” she snapped. “Don’t bring up my family when it’s about me and you.”
He turned to the left, more sharply than necessary. “They are the reason why you are reacting this
way. You are allowed to be hurt, Aelin,” he said, kindlier. “But I am not your enemy.”

“I’m not hurting, I’m angry,” she answered.

“At who?”

“Everyone, alright?” She snapped.

“At me too?”

She took a deep breath, tripping tightly the door of the car. “Yes. If you had respected my wishes,
if you hadn’t made me see Fenrys, then I would have lived the rest of my damn life happily.”

He snorted, the sound hateful too. “Yeah, as happy as Aelin Galathynius can be, right?”

She glared at him, and he parked in front of Helia’s daycare. He sighed, taking off his seatbelt and
climbing of the car. She slammed a hand into the door, letting out a groan of anger.

She wiped tears out of her face as Helia opened the door of the backseat, climbing into the car with
her puffy purple dress. Aelin turned around and grinned at the girl who lied up the moment she
saw Aelin. She didn’t sit in her seat, no, she threw herself in Aelin’s arms.

She sighed, hugging the toddler. It felt good.

“You came!” She said, a huge smile on her face. Her father made a gesture for her to seat which
she did and he buckled her seat belt. She ignored him, focusing on what Helia held in her hands.

“What’s that pumpkin?”

“We made a bear at school!” She shoved the stuffed animal in Aelin’s hands and proceeded to tell
her a story about how they were all given one stuffed animal and could color it the color they
wanted.

Helia Whitethorn being herself, she chose bright neon pink.

For the whole way home, Aelin didn’t have to worry about talking as Helia did the most of it, the
toddler apparently happy Aelin came pick her up with her father.

Father whose gaze she could feel onto her from time to time. Father who didn’t want to talk to now.

She wasn’t angry only at him, it was more at the entire world that she was angry at.

When they arrived home, Helia and her father left to take a shower. Usually she’d tell Rowan that
she could do it with Helia, Aelin loved it they both sang under the shower and that Rowan barged
in, begging them to stop.

But for now, she wanted a moment alone. She laid on the couch, staring at the white, empty wall.
She needed to stop thinking, to stop seeing these images she cherished burn in her mind. For her
sanity, it needed to stop.

Maybe she could take pills to sleep. Rowan was a doctor, surely he had enough in this house to
keep her asleep for days. When she woke up… things would be better. Surely.

Soon, their shower was over and they both came downstairs. Rowan looked at her for long
seconds, he sighed before leaving for the kitchen. She had half a mind to join him but… it would
end in a fight. She knew that.

Helia sat at the table near her dad, coloring in a book. The faint sound of the TV added to the
cooking noises and the way Helia always hummed when she focused on something.

Looking at them two, being so domestic, it warmed her heart up a little. Helia jumped out of her
chair, she held her drawing book and ran to Aelin’s side. “Mommy, can you help me draw a
kitchen?”

Aelin’s entire body stilled, even her heart missed a couple of beats. Her mouth was slightly opened,
Helia looked up, eyebrow raised.

Mommy.

Mommy.

Mommy.

No one would ever call her that way. She would have no child whose first word would be Mama.

Helia isn’t your daughter. She is Lyria’s, she could still hear Rowan’s voice in her head.

No one will call her mommy, and it hurt. Her head bled out, pumping too much blood every
second. Just after she realized she wanted a family, that she wanted an escape to the family she had
had her whole life, the universe laughed at her face.

She was infertile.

“I can’t,” she tried not to snap. She got up, “I’m sorry Lia, ask dada some help. I need to go.”

“Bu-But Dada is cooking your favorite pasta?”

Somehow, this broke her. A tear escaped her eye, and Aelin leaned in to kiss her forehead. It
wasn’t Helia’s fault, Aelin didn’t want her to feel as if she had done something.

She just needed to get the furthest away from this house. “I know, I’m sorry but a friend need me. I
have to go.”

“Aelin,” Rowan said from the kitchen, shirtless with a tower thrown over his shoulder.

A sob left her but she was out of the house after she whispered a quiet, broken, “Sorry.”

She drove too fast as she got back to her apartment, tears streaming down her face. Her roommates
were surprised to see her come back, but even more when she threw herself to the alcohol they kept
in one of their cupboards.

Dorian joined her in the kitchen, already two shots in her blood. “What is it, Aelin?”

She let out a quiet, teary laugh. “I’m messed up, you know that?”

He shook his head. “You’re not.”

She took a deep breath. She wrapped her arms around his shoulder and held him close. Her friend,
the one who had given her more than she could ever give him. “If I tell you what is on my mind,
do you promise to not do too much?”
He nodded, and she pulled back to look at his face. It was almost too easy to say the words. “Today
I found out I probably couldn’t have kids, all because my sister died ten years ago. Today, I
fucking hate her,” his eyes were wide as she spoke, but he let her finish. “So, I kind of need to get
drunk right now.” She held the bottle of tequila, “Will you indulge me some company?”

He thought for a second, processing before he nodded, taking the bottle into his hand. “Always,
Ae.”
 Chapter 39
Chapter Notes

See the end of the chapter for notes

Her head was pounding when she opened her eyes, enough to make her wince. The light was too
bright for her eyes, she let out a quiet sob. She didn’t want to wake up, why did she have to?
Someone let out a groan beside her, and it wasn’t hard to know it was Dorian.

“Close the lights,” he growled from where he laid on the floor.

“I can’t just turn off the sun,” she answered, her throat sore. She had done too much last night.
Maybe doing too much was her mantra. She wasn’t exactly sure it was something to be proud of.

She fought against the throbbing pain in her head and opened her eyes. The living room was in a
mess, which she supposed was the way a room should look after a party took place there.

When they started drinking yesterday, Lysandra and Chaol joined them, though they were much,
much calmer than Dorian and Aelin. The both of them went to sleep early while Dorian and Aelin
kept the party going.

Though she wasn’t sure she could exactly call that a party. She tatted on the table, looking for her
phone. She held in another groan when she saw all the notifications on her home screen. She wiped
them away; she wasn’t in the mood to be assaulted by texts at… eleven in the morning.

Her heart melted for a second at the sight of her home screen wallpaper. It was picture of Rowan,
Aelin and Helia in vacation. They were laying on double sundecks, bathing into the sun.

It was the perfect picture to use, if only because neither Rowan nor Helia were recognizable.
Rowan was laying on his side, back to the camera. His tattooed arm wasn’t visible, his silvery hair
hidden by a hat. He was hugging her, his head nuzzled into her shoulder. Helia was laying on
Aelin’s front, splayed out onto her and Aelin could almost hear her snoring. The only person
awaken on this picture was Aelin. Her grin was bright on that picture, brighter than she had seen it
in years. She loved that picture.

She opened her text app, only to find multiple texts Rowan had sent last night. And apparently, in
her drunk daze, Aelin had texted him back a couple of times.

Rowan, 9:01pm: Tell me when you are home.

Rowan, 9:28pm: Aelin? Please, tell me if you’re home safe.

Rowan, 10:03pm: If you are mad, be mad. But don’t ignore me.

Aelin, 10:05pm: im safe buzzard

Rowan, 10:06pm: Come back, please. We can talk this out. I miss you.

Aelin, 10:13pm: can’t. im busy! ;)

She then sent a picture of her, Dorian and a bottle of tequila between their two smiling faces, their
eyes red and smiles all wrong. They were so obviously drunk.

Rowan, 10:15pm: Are you drunk?

Rowan, 10:23pm: Please, be careful.

Rowan, 10:45pm: I miss you, Aelin. Things are going to work out, I promise.

Rowan, 11:52pm: Good night, Fireheart. Text me when you’re awake.

Oh, gods. He’d clearly voiced his concern for her last night, and she… ignored him. He didn’t
seem angry in his texts, which she supposed was a good thing. It was hypocritical of her as she was
the one who started a fight with him the day before, but she didn’t think she could handle it if
Rowan was mad at her.

On the other hand, Aelin was allowed to have a night with her friends. He was the one who told
her she cut everyone else off, so it wasn’t a bad thing if she did spend time with other people.

“My head is killing me,” Dorian’s voice was as broken as hers.

She chuckled, “Of course it does, pretty boy.”

He looked up from where he laid on the floor, raised on his elbows. “You think I’m pretty?”

She used her foot to push on his shoulder which made him crash face first. She laughed, hiding her
face into her hands. It hurt to laugh but she didn’t stop, Dorian was so dramatic. She needed
someone like that in her life.

She got up, still in yesterday’s clothes. “I’m making some coffee.”

Maybe she should call Rowan, though from what time it was, he was in class. Her class, the one
she was supposed to attend. Fuck. Even if she jumped into fresh clothes now and that she drove to
school she would still miss his class.

A note had been left onto the coffee machine.

Went to class, I will take notes for the two of you.

Rest, you deserve it! Take care,

Lys.

Great, as if she cares about the notes. All Aelin cared about was her professor, though she
supposed Lysandra couldn’t know that. At least, Aelin’s tongue didn’t loosen up under the
alcohol’s weight.

Dorian joined her into the kitchen, pouring them two glasses of water and placed one pain killer
next to each glass. She thanked him and sat, waiting for the coffee to be ready. She drank the entire
glass of water in one go, her throat and mouth feeling dry.

“Are you feeling better?”

She knew he didn’t ask that about her hangover. She shrugged, “I think I cried enough for three
years last night.”

“That’s not an answer.”

Last night, after maybe her fifth shot, she burst into tears. She hadn’t stopped for hours. Her eyes
still hurt, and she wasn’t keen into looking into a mirror right now. She needed ice. A lot of it.
Aelin shrugged, “I have no idea how I feel, if I’m being honest. It just… It doesn’t feel real.”

He nodded, standing to pour them two cups of burning coffee. “Don’t take this the wrong way,
Aelin, but why did you come to us yesterday? When something is wrong, you usually go to your
boyfriend. Has he done something?”

She shook her head, “No, no he is… the best. I was with him yesterday before I drove back here.
But we… I picked a fight with him, I think I wanted him to be angry at me so I wouldn’t have to do
it myself, you know?” He nodded. “But he didn’t, he didn’t insult me or yelled at me like I wanted
him to.”

“What happened then?”

She took a deep breath, sipping on her coffee. “He has a daughter.”

“Oh.”

“She is… the light of my life. I love her so much, I don’t think words are enough to describe how
much I love this little girl. But she… she picked up a habit of calling me mommy, it’s not all the
time just… sometimes. She did yesterday, and I think it was too much. I realized I would never
have someone to truly call me mommy, to consider me their mom. This girl, she is just… lost.”

“Where is her mom?”

“She passed in a car accident, she gave birth that same day. They never met.”

“It’s heartbreaking,” Dorian breathed, looking down at his smoking drink. “But… Maybe she isn’t
lost, maybe she does see you as a mother. I mean, how old is she?”

“Going on four.”

“It’s young, and if she has no memory of her birth mother… What I’m trying to say is that you
spend your days there, you love her very much too. I think you and I are the best to know that
blood doesn’t mean anything, look at our families.”

“I cannot pretend to be her mother,” Aelin answered, pain in her voice. She wish she could, really
she did. “I-Her father and I we are hiding from the entire world. She has known me only for a few
months, Dorian. It would need years of trust being built for me to even pretend I could be a mother
to her. Have you seen the mess I am? The first inconvenience and I run away to get drunk with
friends.”

“Aelin,” he said. “Yesterday was not the first inconvenience. You learned something that truly hurt
you and changed your entire future. Hell, you could have driven to a bar and gotten drunk alone,
instead to sought help to a friend.”

“You’re trying to make me feel better.”

“Yes, but it doesn’t mean I’m lying.” He covered her wrist with his warm palm. “You are one of
the best person I have ever met, Aelin. I have no idea how you just… survive everything life
throws in your face.”

“I’m not that strong.”

He nodded, “You are. If I had a twin and I lost them the way you did… I wouldn’t be where you
are, Aelin.”
She swallowed difficultly, her voice rough as she asked, “I told you about Celaena yesterday, didn’t
I?”

He nodded again, “I have no idea how you just took everything in. But you did, and this is being
strong. Yesterday you didn’t lash out at that girl, in a way you protected her by running away.
Being a mother it’s not just taking everything in with no reactions, it doesn’t mean you are not
human anymore.”

“But R-“ she stopped herself before she could say his name. “My boyfriend, her father, he is so
good at it.”

“He has had almost four years to perfect it, and I… I assume he is older, isn’t he?”

She nodded. She didn’t want to say anything, didn’t want Dorian to find out. If it was just her,
Aelin would tell him. But Helia… If it backfired, Helia would suffer from these consequences.

Helia and Rowan were the best thing to happen to Aelin, and no matter how much Rowan told her
she could tell the people she trusted, she wouldn’t. Not if these was one tiny chance it would hurt
them.

“You are still young, no matter how mature you are. Allow yourself time to grow, Ae.”

She sniffed and chuckled through the tears forming in her eyes, “When did you became so wise?”

He shrugged, a secret smile on his lips. “Being in a relationship changes you, doesn’t it?”

She nodded, “Yeah, it does.”

“Do you also sometimes feel as if you are taking too much from your partner? That you rely too
much on them.”

She snorted, “All the damn time.”

“I’m not the only one, then,” he said, a hopeful look on his face.

“Thank you, Dorian. Thank you so much.”

—-

Aelin was patiently waiting in front of Rowan’s office door. She had forgotten her keys at his place
last night, so she was cursed to wait for him to come. If he ever would. He didn’t always stopped
by his university office, but it was worth a try.

If he didn’t come here, she would knock at his house’s door but… She didn’t want Helia to be
exposed to their fight.

Should she text him? Tell him where she was, that she wanted to have a talk. But if he was busy…
She could wait. His job should come first, he has always taken days off because of her
appointments.

“Miss Galathynius?”

Her head snapped to the side, she awkwardly stood almost crashing onto the floor a few times.
“Professor Whitethorn.” He looked her up and down, as if making sure she was okay. “Could we
have a talk?”
He nodded, opening his office. “Of course.” He looked around, making sure no one was around.
“Come in.”

She gave him a small, shy smile. She felt so, so guilty. She… she hadn’t asked him how he felt
about it all. He closed the door behind them, and she barely had the time to open her mouth before
he pulled her into a warm, tight hug.

“Oh,” she let out, surprised before she gripped him tightly. She pressed her head into his chest and
breathed him in, it only hit her then how unhappy she felt if he wasn’t around. “This feels good.”

“It does,” he answered, squeezing her more. “I was worried for you, baby.”

“I’m sorry,” she said into his chest. She had no idea if he heard or understood her but he kissed her
forehead.

“It’s okay, it’s okay,” he breathed. “I’m not mad.”

She pulled back enough to look at his face, “How could you not? The way I acted…”

“Was because you were mad at yourself,” he finished for her. “Not at me, I know that. And I
repeat, it’s okay.”

Her bottom lip wobbled, tears burning her eyes. It was only when she saw him, saw the
vulnerability in his own eyes that she breathed, “It’s not fair. It’s not fair, Rowan.”

He nodded, silver lining in his green eyes. “I know, I know it’s not.”

Tears were steaming down her face now. Apparently, she hadn’t cried enough yesterday. She
shook her head, “It was just a stupid party to annoy our parents. It was just that,” she tried to push
on his shoulders, trying to get him away from her. He didn’t let go, he kept her flushed with his
body. “But I keep losing things because of that stupid night.”

“Aelin…”

“I lost Celaena, then my parents became so cold and distant and now… And now that stupid night
is taking away my future. Why? Tell me why,” she demanded, her voice rising. She was mad, she
was mad at the entire world. She was mad at herself. Life would have been so different if she had
just said no, if she hadn’t wanted to get back at her parents for yet another lonely night.

They weren’t paying the full price. She was.

“I can’t,” he breathed. “I can’t tell you why, because I don’t know. But I know I’m here,” he said,
tucking a strand of her hair behind her ear. “Whatever life throws at you; it throws it at both of us.”

She shook her head, “It’s not fair. I don’t deserve that; I don’t deserve all this pain.”

“You are right, you don’t,” he nodded, cupping her cheeks and kissed her. “I love you. Things are
going to be alright; we have solutions if we want them. This is hard, but it’s going to be okay as
long as we have each other, alright?”

“How do you feel about that?” She asked, because she needed to know. It was her body but… he
wanted his life with her. In the long run, it would affect him.

“I am…” He stopped for a second, breathing in. “Not doing too well, but I’m more focused on you
now.”
“I’m so—”

He shut her up with a kiss, a hand covering the nape of her neck. “Don’t you apologize, alright?”

She nodded, rising on her tiptoes to steal a kiss out of him. He kept their mouth pressed together for
a few more seconds, as if he would never get enough of her.

“Was Helia mad at me?”

He shook his head, “I don’t think she could be mad at you even if she wanted. She was just
confused, but I told her it was nothing to worry about.”

“Thank you, and I’m sorry for freaking out when she called me mommy, it was just…”

“Too much,” he finished for her, and she nodded. Yes. It was too much. “I understand, Aelin. Stop
apologizing for everything, none of it is your fault.”

“Thank you,” she whispered.

His forehead fell against hers, the two of them breathing the same air. “How’s your head?”

She groaned, letting out a half-fake, half-real sob. “It’s killing me, don’t remind me.”

He chuckled, “You looked cozy with that Tequila.”

“Make me promise to never drink again.”

He narrowed his eyes at her, “I think I already made you promise such a thing twice now. You
broke that promise that same amount of time.”

“Ugh,” she closed her eyes, enjoying his proximity. “You’re so not funny.”

He shook his head and grinned, “Sit, I’ll get us some coffee, alright?”

She nodded, kissing him in thanks. She laid on the couch, because she was even too tired to sit. The
material was stiff under her, Rowan really needed to change that couch. If only for her back’s sake.

A phone pinged, and it wasn’t hers. She looked around the room to find Rowan’s phone screen lit
up on his desk. She grabbed it, only to find the strangest message there.

You will pay.

What the… She typed in his passcode, only for it to be wrong. Strange, his password had always
been Helia’s birthday. Maybe she typed it wrong, but when she typed it again… It still didn’t work.

Her brows were furrowed, alright. That was very, very strange. She tried her own birthday but it
didn’t work either.

Rowan came back with two steaming plastic cup of coffee, “A latte with extra sugar for you.”

She sat and grabbed the cup, but he couldn’t muster a smile. “You got a text.”

He stopped in his tracks, seating next to her. “And?”

She showed the phone screen to Rowan, “Why would someone send that to you?”

More than a thousand scenarios ran through her head, some more realistic than others. But her
concern grew every second Rowan took to answer. He grabbed the phone and read it, the muscles
in his jaw tensing. “Ro?”

“It’s okay,” he said, a hand on her thigh after he placed his phone on couch. “It’s nothing.”

“Nothing?” she hissed. “Someone wants to make you pay about something and you say it’s
nothing?”

“Because it’s true,” he answered. “It’s just a student who is mad about his grade, alright? It
happens from time to time.”

Her lips parted, “You’re joking right? A student?”

“It’s the truth.”

“And how would you know that? It came from a blocked ID.”

“I know because it happened before, it’s been delt with, alright? They are more talk than action,
they always are.”

“So… All those texts you’ve reacted badly to it was them? Even when we were away?”

He sighed, his head falling back. “Yes. Yes, it was that.”

She cocked her head to the side, “Why didn’t you tell me? I worried, Rowan. You weren’t talking
to me, and I know you don’t like to be pushed to talk but… I worried.”

“I’m sorry, alright?” he said, his voice coming up short. “I didn’t want to worry you. There were so
many things on your mind already and as I said, this is harmless. It wasn’t worth worrying you.”

“So, I have to talk but you can keep things to yourself?”

He sighed, grabbing her hand, “I was trying to protect you. I would have told you once it was over,
Aelin.”

“I just feel useless,” she admitted. “I feel useless in our relationship. You never tell me anything.”

“I know, I’m sorry,” he said, almost too easily.

“Do you promise you’ll be alright?”

He wrapped an arm around her shoulder and hugged her. “I protect you. Always. I promise.”

She nodded. That was good enough for now, she didn’t have the energy for another fight. He
played with a strand of her hair, “You should pick up something to eat and go back home. Pour
yourself a hot bathtub and relax, you deserve a few days off.”

She raised an eyebrow, “You allow me to skip classes?”

“I don’t care about school, I only care for your health.”

“I love you,” she breathed into his neck.

He kissed the crown of her head before whispering, “I love you, too.”

---
A week later, Aelin was still soaking daily into a hot bath. Rowan did know how to help her relax.
Sometimes, he’d come back from work to find her in his bathtub, and he would join her, other
times he would help her relax in other ways while she was still surrounded by water.

But today, she was alone. She had also taken another habit other than the bathtubs; she stopped
going to a few classes. Not enough to stop school completely, but enough to take a step back.

Between Rowan, Helia, her infertility and the lies she kept feeding people… Aelin had needed a
small, tiny break. Classes for the year were over soon, she could have waited for vacations to start
and yet… She didn’t have the energy.

She took care of herself first, she was sure Yrene would be proud of that.

Helia was at her grandparents today and Rowan was a very, very busy surgeon. It was easy to
forget, he was good at making time for her and Helia, but there were some days where she was
painfully aware of it. And by that, she meant that she usually woke up alone and fell asleep alone.
Rowan trusted her to care for Helia in those days, an honor Aelin tried to live up to.

But these days also meant that Aelin had alone time at his house, so she started spending time on
herself. It wasn’t too bad, she supposed.

She was texting her friends when her father’s name appeared on her screen and her phone started
ringing. “Hi, dad.”

“Aelin,” his voice seemed short. The hospital was very busy lately, and it did not only affect her
boyfriend. Her father barely had time to text or call her in the last week or so. “How are you doing,
darling?”

“Fine,” she said, her hand playing with pink foam over the water. “Very busy lately.” She hoped it
didn’t sound as wrong as it felt. “You?”

“Mostly the same,” he answered. “Wait, aren’t you supposed to be in class at that time?”

She was, he was right. It only took her less than a second to think of a lie. She was becoming
awfully good at that. “I’m at the library with Lys and Dorian. We sacrifice a few hours of classes to
work a little more on the ones we struggle with the most.”

“Uh, yeah,” her father replied. “I remember doing that a few times, too. Just don’t make it a habit,
alright, darling?”

She smiled, “Sure, dad.”

“Alright, listen. Would you come over tonight for dinner?”

“Tonight? That’s a little short notice.”

He chuckled, “I didn’t know a med student’s planning was so full she couldn’t see her parents
anymore.”

She winced, “Yeah, sure. I’ll be there. When should I come over?”

“Around seven?”

“That’s good, see you tonight.”

They hung up and Aelin sighed, her head falling back onto the edge of the tub. Rowan had planned
on cooking lasagna tonight; she really loved his lasagnas. Maybe she could tell him to leave her
some leftovers.

She checked the time and sighed when she noticed she had to be at her parents in less than two
hours. Shit. She stood into the bath, but it wasn’t considering how slippery a bathtub full of soap
was.

Aelin lost her balance, she gripped the first thing she could hand her hands on, but it made her let
her phone fall into the hot water. “Fuck!” she almost yelled, bending to retrieve her phone. She
grabbed it a few seconds later, she got out of the tub and wrapped a towel around her chest. She sat
on the border of the tub, pressing against the button of her phones but no matter what she did, it
didn’t turn on.

“Shit! Fuck!” She hid her face in her hands, taking a few minutes to evacuate her frustration. It was
alright, she had her old phone at her apartment. This PIN was dead, but she could buy a new one
tomorrow.

But all of her pictures with Rowan and Helia… They were gone. For good. She shook her head,
trying to put some sense into that damn mind of hers. She dressed quickly, deciding that she would
get a dress her mother would accept at her apartment and took off. She still left a note in the
kitchen for her boyfriend to find, and she thanked the gods she wasn’t the one planned on picking
Helia up.

She still hadn’t met Lyria’s parents, and if she was honest, Aelin wasn’t in the mood to.

Going to my parents for the evening,

Save some Lasagna for me? I’ll thank you properly ;)

Love you lots! Kiss Lia goodnight for me, please. <3

Aelin.

No one was at her apartment when she opened the door. Good, she wasn’t really in the mood to
talk. She’d cancel on her parents if she had any way to do just that. She put her old phone to charge
as she picked up a long, black dress. Not very flattering but it wasn’t Aelin-ish enough for her
mother to disapprove.

She only brushed her hair and straightened them, applying only a small amount of mascara on her
eyes and blush on her cheeks. She hadn’t had a restful night, so she looked pale.

She smiled at herself in the mirror. Her old self, the one she had said goodbye to the moment she
met Rowan. But this part of her… Aelin didn’t want it gone. Not entirely. This was the last bit she
owned that also belonged to Celaena.

She shook her head, getting rid of the thoughts that were sure to bring tears in her eyes and she
jumped into her car, driving to her parents. It would be good to spend some time with them, or at
least with her father.

She drove with some mindless music in the background she sang along to, which made the drive
feel a lot quicker than it was. When she parked in front of the house where she used to live it was
already dark outside.

She opened the door and entered the living room, only to find her uncle Gavriel sitting on the
thousand dollars couch, a glass of whiskey in his hand and his perfectly tailored suit covering his
body. “Uncle,” she said, a little wary. “I thought tonight was just me and my parents.”

He stood and opened his arms for her, a kind smile lifting up his lips. “Sorry for intruding.”

She rolled her eyes and took him in her arms, “Nonsense, I love spending time with my old
relatives.”

He chuckled, “You are always so nice, Niece.”

She cocked her head to the side and smiled, “I know, thank you!”

She looked around the room for her parents, but they weren’t there yet. She was glad they had
invited her; it was the perfect occasion for her to do something she hadn’t yet dared to do. “I’m
sorry,” she said too quickly. “For the last time we saw each other.”

He shook his head, “None of that. Things got heated on all parts, including mine. This was your
fight with Aedion, I shouldn’t have taken part in it. But if I can say something; he misses you. Give
him a call when you are ready.”

“Is he here?” She hoped he was. She missed him too, but pride was a tricky thing.

He shook his head and smiled sadly, “I’m afraid he is spending the night with Lysandra.”

“It’s okay,” she said. “Are they… Finally together?”

Her uncle took a deep breath, “I actually have no idea. Knowing my son, I suppose it means they
aren’t.”

She snorted, “He’d be the type to brag about it everywhere.”

“I think he could call the mayor and ask him to do an announcement to the entire city,” her uncle
joked along.

She laughed when the doorbell rang, “Are we expecting a new member of the family I didn’t
know?”

He rolled his eyes, “Open that door, I’ll go look for your dad. I’m afraid he locked himself in his
office again.”

She winked at him and went for the door, her heels clicking onto the floor. She opened the door,
her breath escaping her lungs. “What are you doing here?” She hissed, closing the door behind her
after she looked, making sure no one had seen.

Rowan stood in front of her, looking as tired as he was handsome. He couldn’t be here, shouldn’t
be here. Her parents were right in the damn house. “I tried to call you at least twenty times,” he
said, careful of the level of his voice. “I kept sending me to voicemail.”

“My phone’s dead,” she answered, almost whispering. “But what the fuck are you doing here?”

“Your father asked me to,” he hissed back. Scared. Her boyfriend looked scared. It took her by the
guts, he was so levelheaded usually.

“Why?”

“You think I asked?”

“Well,” She looked around, breathing in deep to not let any fear rise in her. “Why the hell didn’t
you? It’s probably the first thing I would have done.”

“If the father of my secret girlfriend who also happens to be my boss asks me to do something, I
don’t ask questions. I do everything he said.” He snapped, not raising his voice. Obviously, he was
anxious.

“Fuck.” She breathed, passing a hand through her hair and pulling out a few strands.

“Aelin, what is happening.” He demanded.

“Just… Just give me one second, alright.” She was going to have a panic attack. It didn’t make
sense, none of what had happened in the last two hours made sense. Why wouldn’t her father tell
her he invited Rowan?

“If you didn’t notice it’s kind of a pressing matter.”

She glared at him. As if she didn’t notice. She took a deep breath and said “He doesn’t know.”

“How do you know that?”

“Your face isn’t bloody, that’s what tells me that.”

“You think he would punch me?” Rowan sounded scared, as if he would run away.

“Where do you think I picked my temper from?”

“Oh, fucking Gods,” he breathed, barely loud enough for her to hear.

“Where is Lia?” Oh, Gods. What if he brought her here?

“She is having a sleepover with her grandparents. Aelin, I need you to tell me if I’m about to get
punched.” Oh, so she really scared him.

“I-I don’t think you will, alright?”

“You don’t think?” He hissed.

“I’m ninety-two percent sure.” She snapped back. That was what she did under pressure, always
snapping.

“Fuck.”

“My father seemed worried about how I handle my time. Maybe this is a committee to say, ‘You’re
fucking up again, Aelin!’ or something along those lines. It would be very fitting of my family.”
He looked at her, eyes softening. But before he could, the door behind her opened.

“Aelin?”

“Uncle Gavriel,” she breathed, trying to give him her best smile. “This is my professor, Doctor
Whitethorn. Doctor, this my uncle.”

“Nice to meet you, sir.” Rowan extended a hand to her uncle who shook it and gave Rowan a nod.

“I wonder why that dear niece of mine didn’t offer you to come in, she is not usually this rude.” He
joked.
“Uncle…” Was he serious?

“Please, come in, Doctor Whitethorn. My sister and brother-in-law are on their way, they are on
the phone.” Gavriel opened the door wide enough for Rowan to enter the house. He’d already been
there. It was where they met, after all. “We’ve seen each other already, didn’t we?”

“At a dinner, a few weeks ago,” Rowan confirmed. “But we didn’t have the occasion of being
introduced to one another.”

“Right,” her uncle said. “Can I offer you anything to drink?”

“Sure,” Rowan breathed, “Whatever you’re having.”

She glared at him, trying to communicate everything she couldn’t say in words. Mainly, she just
wanted him to find an excuse and get the hell out of here. It was probably the first time she didn’t
throw herself on the occasion to spend time with her boyfriend. “So, Doctor, what is your
specialty?”

“Neurosurgery,” Rowan didn’t lack his usual pride as he answered. “I used to be one of Doctor
Galathynius’ students.”

“And one of the best,” a deep voice interrupted them from behind. Aelin turned around to find her
father and mother walking into the room. She hugged her father first, then her mother. She looked
her up and down, “You look pretty, darling.”

She smiled, “Thank you, mom.”

“I see you already started drinking,” her father chuckled, “I will gladly join you.”

All of them fell into a conversation, Rowan quieter than her parents and uncle but he still spoke a
few times. Aelin, on the other hand, felt like a true outcast.

Only Rowan seemed to see it, throwing her glances every few seconds. She sent him secrets,
barely-there smiles. Even in a room full of people who had known her for her entire life, Rowan
still was the only person to truly see her.

The real her.

“Shall we eat?” Her mother asked.

“Gods,” she groaned. “I’m starving.”

“Aelin,” she hissed. “It’s not proper.”

She swallowed, “Sorry.”

Evalin shook her head and led her guests to the dining room. Her spine straightened when she felt
the brushing touch of a hand down her back.

Her father was at the head of the table, with her mother on his left and uncle on his right. Aelin sat
beside Gavriel, and she happened to be in front of Rowan. The first course was served, and Aelin
focused on eating it like a proper lady while the adults were talking. She was feeling like a child,
only here for decoration.

“Doctor Whitethorn,” her mother asked. “What do you think of Aelin’s progress in classes?”
 She stopped dead at that question, and so did Rowan. She nudged him under the table with her foot.
He coughed and took a sip of his water. “I think Miss Ashryver Galathynius,” thank gods he
remembered to use her mother’s last name too. “Is a brilliant student. Me and her other professors
only notice improvement in her knowledge, as well as curiosity to always look for more when she
is taught about something.”

Her mother’s smile was proud at these words. She looked at her and send a nod this way, her own
way to congratulate her, Aelin supposed.

“It’s good to hear that.” Her father answered. “Some of her professors took contact with us to voice
their concern. Apparently, Aelin has been skipping quite a lot of classes lately.”

What.

The.

Fuck.

“Is it something you noticed, as well?” Her father asked, without ever looking at her way. What
was he playing?

Was this entire night to humiliate her? Because she was slightly drifting away from the path that
had been chosen for her?

Rowan looked at her only once, barely more than a second, before he answered, “I do not think it’s
such an unusual behavior. A lot of students, by that time of the year, choose which course they
need to put the most of their energy for the finals. I don’t think Miss Ashryver Galathynius’ grades
have been dropping in other courses, I know they only improve in mine. So, this is not something I
would spend too much time wondering about.”

She wanted to kiss him right now. If she could, she would lean over the table and press their lips
together. Hell to properness.

“Thank you for your honesty, Doctor Whitethorn,” her mother answered in her diplomatic voice.

“Dad…” Aelin breathed. “I told you; I pick the courses that need my full attention. My mind is
only on succeeding, ask any of my friends they would tell you.”

They would lie for her, at least. She was sure of it.

“I hear you, Aelin. It is my job as a father to worry,” he answered. “One last thing, Doctor
Whitethorn.”

“Anything, chief,” Rowan answered. He looked oh-so-relaxed, even if she could hear the tension
in his voice.

Rowan was as good a liar as she was. They truly were a match. She pressed her lips together to
avoid smiling at the thought, her timing was all wrong.

“What I’m wondering now,” her father said, finishing his one last sip of whiskey, “Is why, in
Mala’s name, you thought it was a good idea to screw my daughter?”

Chapter End Notes

LISTEN I'M SORRY BUT IT DID HAVE TO HAPPEN
 Chapter 40
Chapter Notes

this chapter contains very dark thoughts, so please be aware of that! enjoy, and I am
sorry for any cardiac damages I might cause....

Time stopped, so did her mind as Aelin felt as if she was falling from her chair. Both her parents’
gazes were on Rowan, Rowan who didn’t look away, who stared at her father with no signs of
apparent fear. His back was straight, chin high.

She felt a heavy gaze settle on her, and when Aelin looked away from her boyfriend, it was to find
her uncle with his eyes on her. What was he doing here? If her parents wanted to settle this matter,
if they truly know… Why would they allow someone else to witness that?

She tried to look at any hint in his eyes, trying to look for what he was feeling or thinking, but she
couldn’t read him. She looked away, her uncle wasn’t the man she should focus on. No matter that
she had seen a hint of shame on his features.

Aelin laughed. A loud, amused sound escaped her lips as she laughed. It sounded all shades of
wrong, the anxiety gripping her stomach enough to almost make her sick. But, Aelin laughed. And
as she did, everyone’s eyes snapped to hers.

Under the table, Rowan’s leg found hers. It was as if he was screaming down that shared bond, I
am here. Don’t worry, I am here.

But she was here, too. This was her parents, her mess. Why would he have to be the one to deal
with it? She could also protect him.

“You should have been a writer, dad,” Aelin said, her laughter fading and yet, she still kept a smile
on her face. “With such a wild imagination, you would have sold millions of books.”

His gaze snapped to her and her spine straightened, her chin a little higher. He cocked his head to
the side, “Are you going to deny it?”

“Of course,” she said as fast as she could. “As if I’d ever—”

“Stay out of this,” her mother interrupted, edge to her voice. “We have proofs.”

Proof. Proof. Proof. Could she be bluffing? Tricking Aelin and Rowan into admitting when in
reality they had nothing. It was what Aelin would have done, and she had been somewhat raised by
these people. But at the same time… Her mother never acted without anything backing her up.

Aelin cocked her head to the side, shifting into her seat as she looked into her mother’s eyes. She
found no warmth there, and if she thought her uncle was the perfect portrayal of disappointment…
She was wrong. Her mother was. “How about you stay out of business that don’t concern you?”

“That doesn’t concern us?” She hissed. “One of our doctor and professor is a predator and to make
things even better, our daughter threw herself into his bed.”
“A predator?” Aelin spat. “Damn, mom. We all knew you certainly wouldn’t win an award for the
best mom of the year, but just a small reminder that your daughter has been an adult for six years
now.”

Anything on her, Aelin could take. If her parents wanted to believe she was a slut, that she was
easy and if they wanted to be disappointed in her… Whatever they thought of her, she could take it.

But calling Rowan a predator… Aelin wouldn’t let anyone get away with that.

“Aelin,” her father’s deep voice cut in, “We are not—”

“No,” Rowan spoke for the first time. “I think you sat by enough times for the past years as your
wife emotionally abused Aelin. So, maybe you should do what you are good at and let Aelin deal
with it the way she wishes to.”

“You have no right to speak to me this way,” her father grilled though his teeth, grabbing the arm
of his chair, knuckles turning white. “You have no rights to comment on my family while you are
shattering it.”

“Emotionally abuse?” Her mother snarled, her eyes wide as if she had no idea what Rowan was
talking about. “I think you are speaking a bit too freely when your life if at stake, Dr. Whitethorn.”

“And I think you’re hiding too much behind your ranks.”

“Doctor,” Aelin breathed. He couldn’t pick up a fight with them now, hadn’t he heard her mother?
This was an indirect threat to fire him.

“Doctor?” Her mother repeated, she chuckled. “Don’t feel shy, Aelin. You can call him Rowan;
you have nothing left to hide.” She said, taunting and completely butchering Rowan’s name on her
venomous tongue.

“Shut up, mom,” she snapped. Aelin didn’t want to pick up fights tonight, it didn’t mean it was
truly tempting.

“Don’t talk to me this way.”

“Then learn how to respect me first.”

“Respect you?” She sneered. “In what world are you living to think I have anything but respect for
my own daughter?”

Aelin laughed again, and this time she didn’t fake it. She slapped a hand over her mouth, her laugh
uncontrollable. “I’m sorry,” she managed to say between two laughs.

“Aelin,” her father reprimanded her. “This is a serious matter we are trying to discuss.”

She let out a breath, managing to calm down. “Sure, I know that. This was a very serious laugh.”

Aelin didn’t look down when her mother glared at her. She squared her shoulder up and gave back
everything her mother sent her way. “How did you know?”

“Does it matter?” Her father asked, edge to his voice. His gaze stayed on Rowan. With a voice as
cold as death he said, “I trusted you with my daughter. When people started voicing their concern,
I shut them off. Rowan wouldn’t do that, I thought. Aelin is a better girl than that, all that bullshit.
And now, here we are.”
Aelin swallowed, “Sometimes you end up disappointed by people. It sucks, right?”

She looked at Rowan, and it was so hard not to reach out to him. To not grab his hand and pull him
into her arms. I’m sorry.

He hasn’t punched me yet, he seemed to answer. Do you think I’m lucky?

And I’m the menace? She could see the corner of his lips tip up, but he schooled his expression
quick enough for no one else to see it. Do you want us to leave?

He looked at her father for a second before turning his gaze back on her. I don’t think it would do
any good.

“You could be fired,” her mother said, breaking whatever bubble Rowan and Aelin and put
themselves into. Aelin’s head snapped to her left, while Rowan went utterly still.

“No.”

“Ael-“

“I said no,” she snapped. She looked at her father, he had to hear her out. “If you fire him, you will
lose the only alive child you have.”

Aelin felt as if she had dropped a bomb in the room. The air was chill, everyone’s bodies stiffened.

Her mother slowly turned her gaze onto her, “Are you blackmailing us into accepting your
irresponsibly?”

“I am not being irresponsible! I am living for myself for the first time in years, I am making my
own damn choices, and I’m not sorry if you don’t like it. I will not change back to the carbon copy
of a dead girl.”

“Aelin!” Her mother hissed; Aelin barely flinched. She could hurt people, if it meant getting what
she wanted in the end.

“You are ruining the perfect life we have built for you,” her father said.

“Have you ever thought that I didn’t want that so-called perfect life?”

“Those are the words of a child who throws herself on alcohol, parties and men at the slightest
opportunity,” Evalin spat with years of hidden disgust finally surfacing. “Should I remind you that
not so long ago you had a drink spiked because you went out to cope.”

“Evalin…” Her uncle warned, talking for the first time since her father dropped the vocal bomb
earlier.

She turned to her uncle, “Gavriel, tell them. You’re the one family member at this table who have
always cared. You saw me these last few months, tell them how much progress I have made lately.
It’s all thanks to him!”

He took a deep breath, his chest rising and stilling for a few seconds. “I can’t, Aelin, I’m sorry.”

What… Why the hell. She looked around the room, it had to be a nightmare. Gavriel, out of
everyone, always had her back. He was her uncle, the side of the family that had been there for her.

“Why the hell not?”

“Because he is not here as your uncle,” Rowan said, voice deep and laced with anger. “Am I
wrong?” He asked, cocking his head to the side.

Uncle Gavriel pursed his lips and shook his head. “No, you are correct. I am here as both the
hospital and school’s attorney.”

“Why?” She snapped.

“To fire me,” Rowan answered, and the silence that followed him was louder than anything she
had heard before.

To fire him.

To fire him.

To fire Rowan.

Her bottom lip was quivering as she turned her gaze on her parents, her lips parted as she fought the
tears. “You did it on purpose?”

Her mother raised a blonde eyebrow, “What do you mean?”

“You specifically asked for Gavriel here because of me.”

She let out a forced chuckle, “We asked Gavriel to be here because he is family and knows how to
deal with you.”

“No. You did it because it would hurt me.”

“And why would I do that, Aelin?”

“Because you’re a miserable bitc—”

Aelin hadn’t finished her thought before her head snapped to the side, her left cheek tingling and
burning. She could feel the handprint on her skin, and if she looked into a mirror her cheek would
be red.

A loud creaking noise was head through the room, and a second later there was a warm hand on her
shoulder. Her head was still thrown to the side, more shocked than anything else.

“Evalin!” Aelin’s father hissed, and when she looked at him to was to find him standing, so was
Gavriel. The hand on her shoulder squeezed it, and she looked up to find Rowan behind her. “What
is wrong with you?”

She stood by his side, and he gently grabbed her chin, turning her head to the side. “Are you
okay?” He breathed the question, she found it in herself to nod. He glared at her mother, “Every
time I think you cannot become a worse mother, you blow my expectations away.”

Aelin couldn’t say anything. She… She hadn’t been expecting it. She hadn’t expected what she had
said either, but it felt good to say it. Just not the slap.

Her mother had slapped her. Maybe Aelin shouldn’t be so surprised, maybe she had deserved it for
the word she used, and yet her entire body was still frozen.

“Do not talk to me about raising children when you are a single fath—”
And this time, it was her mother’s face that was snapped to the side, a loud slapping sound echoing
through the room. Aelin’s hand tingled, a red mark left on her mother’s cheek.

Oh. Gods.

Had she just hit her mother?

“Do not say a word about his daughter. Don’t even think about her.”

“Can we take a step back?” Gavriel asked, putting himself between her and her mother. Her father
was the perfect portrayal of shock and surprise, he kept looking between her mother and her, as if
there was anything to figure out. If he was wondering when his family went to hell, Aelin would
tell him that he is twenty-four years too late.

“Oh, fuck you,” Aelin spat her venom at her uncle. He wasn’t in her corner, in her agenda tonight it
marked him almost as an enemy.

Her mother didn’t listen to her uncle, she chuckled darkly, “Grew attached, Aelin?”

“Take away my job,” Rowan said, still standing behind her. Still providing comfort without
allowing her space to hide behind her. He was pushing her into settling this matter on her own,
when he could do it himself. “Pull any string that make you feel powerful, but if you ever put a
hand on Aelin or mention my child again, I will destroy you.”

Aelin had no doubts he would. If only for Helia, Rowan would do anything. He might not be
married to the chief of the hospital, might not have a place on the school board, but he would find a
way.

“Tonight was to avoid further complications,” her father said. “Not to create them.”

“Your wife hit me, and you call it a complication?”

He glared at his wife, “Right now, I am trying to protect you. Then I will deal with it.”

Aelin let out a sour, dead laugh. “The only threat here is you. The two of you.”

He looked taken aback by that, as if he didn’t expect it. They had talks about his involvement in
her life, how hurt she had been by it. He had tried to mend the bridges, and yet… Maybe he hadn’t
understood how much she resented him and her mother deep inside.

There was this rotten, shameful part of her that hated them. And today, today this part of her was
coming out of its shell.

“I am deeply sorry you are feeling this way, darling,” he said, and Aelin could almost believe him.
Almost. “I want to fix it, but first, my job is to protect you.”

“There is nothing to protect me from! How many times do I need to repeat it until you finally listen
to me?”

“Aelin,” he took a deep breath, probably losing his patience. “Leave this room.”

“Excuse me?” She hissed. “No.”

“I am going to deal with this mess and then we will fix whatever happened to this goddamn family.
But in the meanwhile, I need you to stay away so I can deal with this mess.”
Aelin snorted, “Are you really questioning what happened to us?”

He sighed, a sad look in his eyes. “No. No, I don’t.”

Fuck him. Fuck everyone in this room, except Rowan. She hated them. If he was truly worried for
her, if he truly wanted to protect her, he would allow Rowan to stay in her life. He would stay away
from her and the new family she made.

He took a step in Rowan’s direction, standing face to face. Rowan stood a little taller, but not from
much. Rowan threw a glance in her direction, one that was unreadable. He hadn’t talked much
tonight, and she couldn’t know what he was thinking. He was leaving her space, but it was hard to
deal with this situation, she wouldn’t say no to a little bit of help.

“I am going to talk to you from a father to another, not as the chief,” her father started. “Make your
daughter your priority.”

Before he could keep going, Rowan growled, “Don’t speak a word about my daughter.”

“She is a sweet kid, make her your priority,” her father kept going, barely flinching at Rowan’s
tone. “And while you work on your child, you leave mine alone. Whatever weird, twisted fantasy
you had, this ends tonight. This is going to be your only warning, Whitethorn, and it only exists
because I respect your work as a doctor. But if you don’t listen… If you don’t, then it is not only
your job in Doranelle you are losing. It’s the chance to get another one anywhere else on the planet.
I will ruin you, Whitethorn, and I will enjoy it.”

This couldn’t be her passive father talking, surely, a demon had possessed him. Maybe it was all a
nightmare, and she would wake up soon.

“All of that based on what?” Aelin asked. “You have nothing except people having concerns. It
doesn’t work as proof.”

“Except when one of these numerous people provide us with evidence,” her mother answered.
“Your father received an anonymous email a week ago; someone didn’t want to stand for your
debauchery. We have enough photos and videos to ruin three lives tonight, so Dr. Whitethorn
better make the good choice,” she added with a bitter smile.

Three lives.

Rowan’s.

Aelin’s.

And Helia’s.

Because as pure as her love with Rowan was, it was easy to change the details. Everything about
their relationship screamed dirty, it screamed unappropriated. Doranelle wasn’t a big city, rumors
ran. If this relationship came out under the wrong light, it could impact Helia’s life.

Rowan would have to move. Away from her grandparents, from her uncles and from her cousin.
This was unfair, unfair that her future was being talked about in this room while the little girl
wasn’t even aware that such a conversation was taking place.

Not that Aelin wanted Helia anywhere near her parents of the chaos that this evening turned into.
She would have taken the little girl away from this mess minutes ago, when it all started going to
hell.
She tried to catch Rowan’s gaze but he never looked away. But the longer he was silent, the longer
he stayed still, Aelin’s worry grew.

To whatever end, he had told her when his friends found out about them, surely tonight was an end
he considered when making such claim. Surely, he was just finding it in himself to not use violence
on her father.

“You will lose me,” Aelin threatened. “If Rowan walks out of that door without a job, you will
officially childless.”

She meant it, too. It wouldn’t be too different than before, she always felt parentless. Things
wouldn’t change for her, only for them. They couldn’t claim her as their own anymore, couldn’t
talk about her to the social events they loved so much…

“I will leave med school,” she said, she needed them to change their mind about firing Rowan.
Even if there was nothing in his contract that forbade him to sleep with his boss’s daughter, it was
in the rules of the school that all student and teacher fraternization were prohibited. As for his
place as a doctor, she was sure the traitor in this room could find a legal loophole to fire him
without causing any damage to the hospital. “You will lose everything you have left. And don’t
pretend you are doing this for me, you aren’t. If it was a question of protection, Rowan would have
been fired a week ago, you just want to control.”

“You are making a fool of yourself, Aelin, you are—”

“Evalin,” Rhoe growled. “Stop this. Aelin, this is not control, I am doing you a favor.”

“A favor?” She spat. “Do you have any—”

“Stop fighting, this is useless,” Rowan said. Well, sure, bird boy. He does know how to stop Aelin
in her tracks. His fists were clenched at his side, breathing uneven and his voice was rougher than
she was used to hear it. It pushed her on an uneven footing, unsure of what to expect. “I’m leaving.
Thank you, chief, for the opportunity to keep my place at the hospital.”

“What?” Aelin breathed, her shoulder sagging. Was he leaving because this conversation wasn’t
going anywhere?

His gaze turned on her, and Aelin’s heart missed a beat at the determination and devastation in his
eyes, though his walls built back up a second later, leaving his face perfectly unreadable.

“Ro,” she whispered, grabbing his hand.

Their skin had barely touched for a second before he shot back his hands away from her, the action
leaving her cold. She looked won for a second, he had rejected her touch. He hadn’t done that
since… Since the first time they kissed.

Even in fights, Rowan always touched a part of her.

But not tonight.

“It’s over,” he said, his voice fierce and strong, with no hesitation. No signs of lies.
Over.

As in… They were over? He couldn’t, he wouldn’t. They were Rowan and Aelin; they would
always stay together. They had to, because what else would she do?

He promised… He promised he wouldn’t leave her.

That he would be the one to stay.

“No,” she shook her head. “No, it’s not.”

He nodded, “It is.” Rowan turned to her parents, and it seemed to take him a lot of efforts to say,
“Thank you for the invitation.”

Why was he doing this? This… This was a nightmare. It had to be.

“You made the good choice,” her father said, not offering to guide Rowan to the door. “For
everyone involved.”

“Fuck you!” Aelin spat. This was his fault; this entire evening was his fault as much as it was the
woman’s beside him. And Aelin hated them both.

Rowan grabbed his vest that was on the couch and turned to her. She could see nothing of the lover
she had learned to love these past few months, she only saw coldness and the distance he was
putting between them.

She didn’t think it really registered in her mind.

Rowan hadn’t chosen her. He walked away, the same way everyone had.

Rowan was not the exception; he was just a hypocrite who followed the rule. All these late-night
talks, all the kisses and promises, they meant nothing to him.

She meant nothing to him.

“Don’t complicate things,” he told her, “What’s done is done.”

And then, he was leaving. All she could do was see him walk away, with every step he took, Aelin
was falling more and more.

Leaving, he was leaving. He didn’t even look back, there was nothing in his eyes that reminded her
of the man she loved.

An illusion, that was what it was.

She felt a hand on her shoulder and jerked away from the touch, disgusted to feel her uncle’s hand
on her.

Aelin couldn’t cry, she didn’t find it in herself. No, she was… she was angry. Angry at herself for
believing the sweet words of a man. Angry at the man she loved for being no different than the
rest of the world. Angry at the entire world.

“Stay away from me,” she hissed. “All these years ago, you should have stayed away from mine
and Aedion’s life. We never asked you to step in.”

It was so, so unfair to say. She saw the way he recoiled at her words, and she felt nothing.
Good thing if he hurt. He had betrayed her, too.

“Aelin,” her father breathed, and she turned her hateful gaze on both her parents.

She wanted to snort at that. They weren’t parents, they were parasites.

“I am happy Celaena is dead,” she said, her voice cold as death. Her uncle took a sharp intake of
breath while her parents were still as dead. “She is the lucky one, she’d finally gotten rid of the
parents she despised. Yeah, mommy. She hated you, she had her bag ready to run away, you
know?” Her mother’s lips quivered; a hand laid over her heart as tears pooled in her eyes. “She
stayed because I was stupid enough to love you. I hope that, in your rotten insides, you are hurting.
I hope that when you finally have the decency to grieve the daughter you left alone in a grave
thousands of miles away from here, you will find no consolation or absolution. I hope that until the
day you finally die, you will be in pain and find no happiness. You deserve none of it.”

She was crying then. Her mother was crying for the first time in nine years. Aelin laughed; it
wasn’t in amusement. No, it tasted sour on her tongue. She did have a perfect timing.

“Get out of my house,” she said, her voice shaking as she held herself with a chair. Aelin had half a
mind to push her, just so she could visually see her mother lay as low as Aelin had felt her entire
life.

But she had better things to do.

“Gladly, Evalin. Don’t bother calling, you are dead to me.”

Aelin turned around and didn’t look back, rushing for the outside. Her hells clicking the
cobblestone, her ankles unstable as she rushed to the parking behind the house.

She had half a mind to be relieved when she saw Rowan, hands holding him against his black
sports car. His breathing was heavy, and she almost stopped in her tracks as she watched him. He
hadn’t heard her coming, probably too lost in his own thoughts.

He hadn’t left. He was still there, was he waiting for her? Had it been a ploy to deceive her family?
So they could keep their secret going? Her anger faded, hope blooming in her chest.

Of course, Rowan wouldn’t leave. She was stupid to even think it possible.

“Ro?” She asked, voice barely loud enough for him to hear.

But he did. His back stiffened, his hands falling back against his body. He didn’t turn around, still
looked in the opposite direction. She swallowed her anxiety before repeating his name.

He looked back, then. She did stop when she saw how dark his eyes were, when she saw no
warmth on his face, it was as if her heart broke. Again. “Baby?” She asked.

“Don’t call me that,” he said, voice short. “Stay away, Aelin. Whatever this was between us, it’s
over.”

“Whatever it was?” She hissed. “Are you serious? I hope you are fucking joking, Whitethorn,
because—”

“Because what?” he snapped, opening the door of his car. “The way I call it doesn’t matter. We are
done, Aelin, be mature about it.”
“Don’t treat me like a kid!” she grilled through her teeth. “Don’t you fucking dare after
everything.”

He looked at her, not opening his mouth once.

This was real. Rowan, he was throwing her away. And maybe it would hurt less if she didn’t see
the way the corner of his lips quivered, the sign that he was locking his emotions deep, deep
inside.

But Aelin was too angry, too angry to really see that. She was hurting, and she wanted the world to
hurt too.

“Helia deserves a better father than the miserable bastard you are,” she said, her tone too even and
calm for the things she was saying. “I hope the moment she leaves your house you will be alone.
No one would even want to be involved with someone as pathetic as you are.”

Two seconds. He looked at her for two more seconds before he closed his door and started his car,
driving away.

Gone. He was gone, her happiness and hopes with him.

She was no more than a dark, empty shell now.

“Get out of my car,” she said, her voice lacking the bite she wished for. She couldn’t stop the tears
from steaming down her face, though she should be celebrating the fact that she wasn’t sobbing.

She wanted to, though.

“You are not in the good state of mind to drive,” her father’s kind voice echoed through the car.
“Spend the night.”

“Never.”

He sighed, “Then let me drive you to your apartment. I don’t want you to drive when you are this
way.”

“This is your fault,” she said, finally looking his way. “If I’m this way, it is your fault.”

She was talking about tonight, but not only.

“I was protecting you tonight,” he said. “Maybe one day you will see it, but I only want you to be
safe. If you hate me for it, so be it. But I will sleep better at night knowing that my daughter is
safe.”

“There was nothing to protect me from!” she yelled, a newfound energy spreading through her.
“There was nothing malicious between us, only pure, unconditional love. There was no abuse of
power or shits like that. He was there for me when no one was. He fixed what you broke.”

He let out a shaky breath, looking ahead. “I know more than you think I do.”

She snorted, “If you did, you wouldn’t have just ruined my life.”

“There were records, too, in that email,” he said. “In one of them, I had to listen to you calling him
professor during sexual intercourse and him telling you to do it again. I cut the audio off the
moment I realized what it what, but I still heard that. So, don’t bullshit me with this no power
imbalance.”

She couldn’t even find it in herself to blush at it, she felt so, so humiliated. Her lips parted,
quivering and tears gathering faster into her eyes. “This was not taken with anyone’s fucking
consent, dad. I am sure it was clear, isn’t it supposed to be your fucking priority?”

“You think I don’t know that?” he snapped. “I already have someone on it, and the moment I find
the person who has done that, they are done for. But it doesn’t mean I cannot also focus on the
creep that turned around my child.”

“If you truly thought he was a creep, he would have been gone from your hospital a week ago. You
just hate that I live my own life with my own choices. You hate that I’m not her.”

“I don’t,” he said. “I always loved you for who you are, Aelin, and if you finally found your own
identity, I am proud and happy for you. I might not be a good father, but I have never wanted you
to replace Celaena. I have no right to be, but I’m still am. Tonight, even if it led you to cutting me
off the moment I step out of that car, it was worth it. Because at least at the end of the day, my girl
is protected.”

She had the urge to pull out the hair on her head, she needed the pain inside to stop. “I. Am. Not.
In. Danger.” She hissed through her teeth. “What you heard, I was the one starting it. I was the one
turned out by it, as embarrassing as it is to tell you this. I met Rowan when he wasn’t even my
professor, dad! There is no weird powerplay, and you would know that if you bothered listening to
me!”

“Then when, Aelin?” He raised an eyebrow. He looked exhausted, or maybe heartbroken. She
didn’t want to wonder about his feelings. “Because you were with living thousands of miles away
from here before the semester began, and before that you started dating Chaol when you were
sixteen. So, tell me, when did you meet him? Was it before you were legal?”

“At my twentieth’s birthday,” she said, this day still as clear as water in her mind. “In this very
house, I was so deep in pain and then I met him. Dad, I hate my birthday. But that day, I didn’t. I
felt something for him from the moment he made me laugh on the day I spent crying. Yes, we
didn’t start something until he became my professor, but our story started long before that.” Her
voice was laced with pain, every word struggling to come out. “Not that it matters now.”

Her father was quiet for a moment before saying, “He was married back then, Aelin. With a baby
on the way, do you think it helps his case? He shouldn’t have given you any attention that day.”

“His marriage was unhappy, dad! His wife she was… She was awful to him, what should have he
done? Look away from someone he clearly liked because of someone who didn’t respect him?”

“Who told you about his wife? Him? Because if so, you cannot trust him. Men would—”

“He never spoke ill of her,” Aelin stopped him. “He always blamed himself for things that were
never his fault. I am the one who came to the conclusion that she was not a good wife.”

“Aelin…” He breathed, looking away for a second before looking at him again. “This is such a
messy situation.”

Her voice was tearing and biting as she said, “Which is why you should have spoken to me first.
You should have talked to me about this instead of cornering me and breaking what I loved the
most.”
“You’re impossible to talk to, Aelin,” he said. “I know you always trusted Gavriel more, so I went
to him for his help the moment I got the email. He said you have been lying for months, that you
got into fights with Aedion you didn’t even try to fix. He said your roommates barely ever saw
you, that you entirely closed yourself around Rowan. Even Aedion, who would support you for
everything, you lied to him. I am hearing you when you say this relationship was not as
problematic as I thought at first, but even if it was and I had talked to you about it, you wouldn’t
have let me help. You never do, and I know this is my fault. I was only trying to fix this entire
mess I created in the first place.”

“Fuck you,” Aelin said, but it lacked any heat. Her hands were gripping the steering wheel, her
head falling onto it as she finally let out the sobs she’d been holding on.

He pretended to love her, he pretended to know her, when he didn’t.

She felt ashamed, and wronged, and angry and sad. She felt horrible.

“I know you hate me, the same way your sister did maybe even worse,” he said, and there was no
mistaking the hint of sadness laced though his words. “But I need you to know that I love you.
There is nothing I can do to redeem myself, but I still want to try. I will be divorcing your mother,
this was decided the moment she hit you. I’m late, I know, but if one day you want me around, I’ll
be there.”

“Get out,” she managed to let out between her sobs. “Get out of my car.”

Yes, he was too late. He had needed the physical violence to decide himself, as if her mother hadn’t
made Aelin feel lower than hell for years. As if it erased his own absence from her life.

“Aelin?”

“What?”

“He only kept his job because I saw how happy you looked with him and his daughter. Otherwise,
you are right, he would have been gone a week ago. But I wanted to let him a chance for his
daughter, because you seemed to love her very much.”

Helia.

Aelin would never see Helia again, would never hold her in her arms anymore. There would be no
princess movies, no crying in the car when they saw a stray dog in the street, no more bedside
stories.

And just as Aelin started to feel as if Helia was her own, her daughter, she’d been ripped away
from her.

She didn’t only mourn her boyfriend, the man she thought she would marry. She also had to mourn
the little girl Aelin fell for in another way. A purer kind of way.

It was so, so ironic knowing how bad Aelin was at grieving.

“Leave, please,” she begged, voice breaking. She didn’t want him around. Now that it was there,
her hate persisted.

She was grateful for the protection he allowed Helia; she truly was. But she wouldn’t kiss his feet
for it or thank him. And if he was waiting for that, he could wait a long, long while.
“Don’t stay alone,” he told her before looking at her one last time for a long while, and then he was
gone.

As were everyone else.

Nine years ago, Aelin lost her sister.

That same day, she lost what she had left of the parents she made up in her mind.

For years, she lost herself. Only to then lose her hopes of a family of her own a week ago.

And just now, Aelin lost the love of her life.

Was keeping going still even worth it?

The scream, laced with a broken cry, she let out was enough to have her throat burning. Her sobs
wouldn’t slow down, not as she was free-falling into the unknown.

Maybe nothing was worth fighting for anymore, maybe she wasn’t made to live this life, because
she wasn’t strong enough for it. She couldn’t fight it, couldn’t control it.

Shame curled in her guts as she found herself, for one short second, feeling jealous of Celaena.

Celaena wasn’t suffering now, no, she was at peace. Resting.

Aelin would give anything for that feeling, if only for a few seconds. She wanted this crushing
weight to be lifted off her shoulders.

“Oh, gods,” she cried. What was wrong with her? She couldn’t be jealous of Celaena, she couldn’t.
This was not right.

She took a deep breath; she refused thinking that way. She refused. This wasn’t her anymore. She
could fall low, but never this low. Not again.

With shaky hands and eyes full of tears, Aelin started driving. She shouldn’t, she knew that. She
wasn’t in the right state of mind for this, and yet she still drove. At first, she had no idea where to
go.

She couldn’t go to her apartment, not when she felt as if someone was watching her every move.

Somehow, someone had gotten an access to Rowan’s office. And many, other places if Helia was
in these pictures. Oh, gods. As if things weren’t already as bad as they could be.

She didn’t want anyone’s pity, didn’t know if she could bear it. There was only one place she was
sure to find someone like that. Her tear flow barely slowed by the time she parked in front of the
house, one she had been to only a handful of times.

If she didn’t get out of her car now, she knew she would leave. She knew she would stay alone,
and she knew she wasn’t going to do anything good for herself.

For a second, it was tempting.

The next second, Aelin was out of the car. Her fist was shaking as she knocked on the door three
times. There was no answer.

Was he working tonight? She didn’t see his car, but he had a garage. She knocked louder on the
door, praying every god that existed to let him be home. She didn’t know what she could do to
herself if he wasn’t.

The door opened, and she barely notice how he was dressed in nightwear and his long black hair
was tied in a bun, his eyes tired. She’d interrupted his sleep. Her sobs rushed back as soon as he
opened the door, as soon as he laid eyes on her. “I’m sorry, I needed—”

“Come in,” he said, opening his door wider. Aelin did, the warmth of the room so at odds with
how cold she felt, how shaky her limbs were. He closed the door behind her, and she startled.

“Has anyone you don’t trust been here?” She asked, she couldn’t help it. She needed to know.

Thankfully, he didn’t ask any questions. “No.”

She nodded, crossing her arms to get some warmth into her veins. Good, that was good.

“Do you want me to call Rowan?”

“No,” she snapped, faster than she thought possible. “Please, don’t.”

Lorcan reached out for a sweater hanging on the other side of his door and handed it to her, she
rushed to put it over her thin dress. She used the sleeves to wipe away her tears, before
remembering she had worn make-up. His grey sleeves were stained with black now. “Shit, I’m so
—”

“Stop apologizing.”

“Aelin?” A faint voice asked from behind. She turned around, finding Elide walking down the
stairs in a rush. She was only wearing a shirt, though it covered her knees. It probably was one of
Lorcan’s. “What happened?”

Aelin couldn’t stay silent, not as Elide didn’t let her a choice and wrapped her arms around her,
pulling her into a warm hug. Aelin cried then, her arms around Elide’s shoulders as she sobbed.
“Someone’s been stalking us, now my parents know about Ro and I,” she said, out of breath. Her
voice broke as she said, “Rowan broke up with me.”

For a long moment Elide said nothing, neither did Lorcan. They stayed silent, Aelin crying in
Elide’s arms. She had no idea what else to do, what she would do now.

“I will make some tea.”

She felt Elide nod, and she asked, “What can we do for you, Ae?”

It didn’t take long for Aelin to come up with an answer, “I need it to stop, Elide. It’s too much right
now.”

“It’s going to be okay,” she breathed, her arms tightening around her. She only let go of her when
tea was ready, Aelin wasn’t thirsty, but she was so cold she would take anything else.

There were three cups of tea ready on the kitchen island, one with two pills next to it. Lorcan
nodded, “If you want, these can make you sleep a few hours.”

She had asked for things to stop, after all. She didn’t voice it, but Aelin was thankful. She took the
two pills and swallowed them dry. Better be sleeping than think of everything that had just
happened.
 Chapter 41

“I’m calling him.”

“No, you’re not.”

“Yes, I am,” a masculine voice said, Aelin barely waking up. “He needs to know where she is.”

“Maybe he did two days ago, but he doesn’t anymore now he broke up.”

“There has to be a reason for that.”

A woman snorted. “I’d be happy to hear that after I kick him in the godsdamnned balls.”

“Fuck, woman,” Aelin heard a laugh, her eyes finally opening.

For a second, she had no idea where she was. She didn’t recognize the light brown walls, the
landscape pictures hanging on the wall or the black bedframe behind her. Even the bedsheets were
unrecognizable. She stood on her elbow, her head pounding and eyes burning.

The door of the room was open, which was the reason why she was able to listen to the
conversation happening further down the hall. She looked down at herself, she was wearing a thin,
black dress. What the…

“Ro wasn’t alright today, I saw it,” the man said, and she was awoken enough to recognize the
voice. It was Lorcan. “He’s called her ten times; I am calling him back.”

“This is not your decision,” The woman, she now recognized as Elide, said. “It’s hers. She came
here for some unknown reasons, but it means she trusts us. You are not telling him where she is.”

If she was here… If she was at Lorcan’s place instead of Rowan’s… Last night hadn’t been a
nightmare. Everything happened, memories flashing through her mind. A second after waking up,
Aelin was already battling tears.

Her parents knew.

Her mother had slapped her.

Gavriel hadn’t taken her side.

She cut her parents off.

Rowan broke up with her.

Oh, gods. Pain slashed through her heart. Yesterday, she lost everything and had been powerless.
She hadn’t been able to stop anything, and she’d barely fought back. Yes, she had hit her mother.
But not for herself, only because she would never let anyone bring up Helia in a mess.

Aelin hadn’t fought for herself. She never did.

No wonder no one fought for her.

“What am I supposed to do, then? Lie to my best friend? Let her hide so they can never deal with
their problem?”
“A break-up is not a problem, Lor. It’s only been a day, let go.”

Aelin’s stood, the floor warm under her bare feet. She didn’t want to leave the bed, all she wanted
to do was fall asleep once more and not wake up. Not for a while, not forever.

She shook her head, closing her eyes and taking a deep breathe. She’d come here precisely to avoid
this train of thoughts, to avoid falling down that rabbit hole, no matter how tempting it was.

A life of not fighting to breathe, to stay over water, sounded like pure bliss as of now.

Aelin was so, so exhausted.

She crossed her arms, trying to warm up a little as she walked down the hall. The bedroom she’d
been occupying was on the main floor, not far from the living room that opened into the kitchen.

Aelin looked through the windows to see it was nighttime, how long had she slept? Lorcan was
standing beside the kitchen island, a glass of scotch in front of him. Elide was sitting on one of the
stools, a cup of coffee in her hand. Her boyfriend was still dressed in his scrubs, while Elide was
wearing a sundress.

“Hi,” Aelin breathed. Maybe she should have stayed hidden in the bedroom. Yesterday, she came
here without really thinking. Lorcan and her had never been best friends, they barely tolerated each
other, but he had told her she was family. But that was when she was dating his best friend.

Maybe she wasn’t welcome here. That’d be embarrassing.

They turned their gaze on her, and she was grateful to not see too much pity on their face. She
couldn’t handle pity. “Coffee?” Elide asked.

“I rather have what he’s having,” she said. Alcohol sounded better than anything else at the
moment. They said nothing, Lorcan grabbing a glass and pouring some liquor in it. She stepped
closer to them, grabbing the drink. “Thank you.”

“No worries.”

She downed the drink in one go, wincing at the sour, awful taste in her mouth. Yet, she relished in
the burn in her throat and stomach. Good. Anything to distract her from the pain that was
consuming her mind. She opened her eyes and handed her glass to Lorcan, “Again, please?”

“I’m not getting you drunk.”

She glared, “I can handle more than two drinks.”

He looked at Elide who nodded, and he refilled her drink. This time she only took a sip of it, not
because she wanted it but because she didn’t believe Lorcan would bless her with a third drink.

“How are you doing, Aelin?” Elide asked, her voice kind and caring.

Aelin laughed, it turned ashy and sour on her tongue. “Amazing, never been better.”

“Yeah, you look like it,” Lorcan mumbled, which earned him a glare from both Elide and Aelin.
He rolled his eyes and took a sip of his drink.

She looked down at the brown liquid. She wasn’t really a whisky kind of person, actually, she was
disgusted by its taste. Tequila, though, was perfection. But she didn’t have that in her pocket, and
she doubted Lorcan would allow her to go through his cupboard so she could get drunk with
something more tasteful.

He seemed like the kind of guy who would hate it if someone dared criticizing his favorite drink.

“How is he?” She asked, her voice barely louder than a whisper.

A sharp intake of breath. “Not better than you.”

“Translation: He is not suffering enough,” Elide said.

She was sure that the look Lorcan threw at her was supposed to be a glare, but if she was honest, it
was more loving than anything else. Maybe with a tad bit of annoyance, but far from a glare.

“Don’t look at me that way,” she told her boyfriend, and surprisingly she did manage to glare.
Gods, Salvaterre was whipped. “If the roles were reversed you would say the exact same.”

He sighed and took a sip of his whiskey, entirely shut up by his ridiculously tiny girlfriend. Oh,
this was so much fun. She pressed her lips together, holding in a smile. It was strange, the wish to
smile even after what happened.

“We supposed you came here to hide from everyone,” Elide started, pushing Aelin’s phone on the
counter so she could grab it. “But a lot of people have been calling you. Dorian, Aedion, Lysandra,
your uncle, even your father. Maybe you should call someone back, only to tell them you’re safe.”

She snorted, grabbing the electronic device and checking her missed calls. “They always imagine
the worse when it’s about me. Especially Aedion. He probably thinks I’m in jail.”

“He doesn’t,” Elide answered. “He called me, asking if I knew where you were. Said he was
worried for you. He sounded awful.”

She looked up at her friend and Aelin only saw sincerity on her face. She didn’t deserve her
cousin’s worry, not after she willingly chose to put herself in the position that led to this entire
mess.

She chose to see Rowan, to lie to everyone and close herself. She was the one who made him the
centerpiece of her life, and she could only blame herself for how hurt she was.

“If you don’t want to do it, I can,” Elide said, a hand wrapping around Aelin’s wrist, her thumb
stroking her skin. She was wearing an encouraging smile. Aelin was hit with a pang of guilt, why
hadn’t she spent more time with Elide? She didn’t have to lie to her, and yet Aelin kept her at arm
length.

She didn’t deserve her kindness.

“Or I can,” Lorcan added. “But I don’t promise to be nice.”

She snorted, “I don’t think anyone would believe you, anyway.”

“Good point,” he answered, actually not angry at the slight insult Aelin had thrown his way. He
didn’t kid himself into thinking he was a nice person, though she suspected it wasn’t who he really
was. Around Elide and Helia he was so… domestic, and kind and giving.

And he had just taken her in, if only for a night without asking questions. Those weren’t the actions
of a mean man.

“I know I’m already taking too much of your generosity by staying here,” she started.
Surprisingly, he stopped her. “You’re not. I told you, you’re family.”

“That was when I was still in a relationship with your best friend.”

“And I don’t think that between yesterday and today my goddaughter has stopped calling you
mommy, has she?” He asked, with an eyebrow raised.

She forgot that Rowan’s friends knew about that.

A wave of sadness hit her at the mention of Helia. Would she see her again? If she asked Rowan,
which would take a lot of efforts from her to not breakdown when she saw him, would he allow her
to see Helia?

Her first instinct was to answer that yes, he would. But three days ago, Aelin was also sure he
would never let her go. So, she supposed she didn’t know him as well as she thought she did.

She nodded, too shy to say anything about Helia’s new name for her. “Could you call my school
tomorrow? And tell them that I won’t come back?”

He cocked his head to the side, “Are you transferring? Is it because you don’t want to see him
again?”

She shook her head. “I’m dropping out. I never enjoyed it, I only stayed there because I knew it
would make me closer to Rowan, and yes, I know it’s stupid. But it’s also because that was my
sister’s dream, and well, she’s a little too dead to make it come true so at first, I thought I could do
that for her.”

For a second, none of them said anything. Lorcan and Elide looked at each other for a second
before Lorcan nodded, “Alright, the call will be made tomorrow.”

“Thank you,” she breathed, and it felt as if this huge, heavy weight was lifted off her chest. There
were still things there, things that made her wish she could stay in bed forever, but breathing was
already easier. No more med school.

I’m sorry, Leana, was her first thought, but she quickly shook it away.

Her thumb hovered over Rowan’s contact name, her head and mind yearning to tell him she
decision she’d just taken, but it wasn’t like he cared. She was too weak to call him back, at least
she could admit that. She wasn’t ready to hear his voice.

Instead, Aelin pressed on Aedion’s name and brought the phone to her ear. Almost immediately,
her cousin picked up. “Ae? Are you okay? Please tell me you’re fine.”

She let out a long breath. He didn’t sound angry, maybe he had pushed their fights away for a
while.

She supported her head with a hand, looking down as she answered, “Hey, yeah I’m okay, don’t
worry for me.”

“Too late,” he said. “Ae, I’ve tried to call you since last night. My dad called, and he told me you
weren’t alright and then this morning your dad called me and Dorian asking if we had any idea
where you were.”

“I don’t really want to think about our fathers right now,” she said, maybe a little irritated. If
Gavriel knew she wasn’t alright, why hadn’t he come and joined her into her goddamn car like her
father did? And even if it wouldn’t have stopped her anger for him, because she was in rage under
all her sadness, why didn’t he even try?

But she supposed the most important question was, why didn’t he come to her first? Why wasn’t
he on her side?

“What happened?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

He let out a long breath at the other side of the phone and she knew him enough to know he was
holding his annoyance in. He never was very patient, not when it came from those he loved.

“I love you, Aelin, you know that right?” He asked, his voice slightly shaking. Her eyes already
started burning, and as if she could feel that, Elide put a hand on Aelin’s back. “And I’m scared for
you. You’re my sister, alright? And I already lost one of you, I won’t lose you, too. I thought that if
we had a fight, it’d make you at least confide in someone else, even if it wasn’t me, but seeing you
walk away from everyone is terrifying, Ae. But I was wrong, and I’m feeling so fucking guilty
because something clearly happened last night and I wasn’t there for you, and you didn’t come to
me and it's my fault.”

“No, it’s not,” she shook her head, tears already escaping her eyes.

She hadn’t gone to him yesterday because of the fight, they both knew that. But maybe it wasn’t all
the reason why. She knew he would have been there for her, no matter if they were on speaking
term or not. Aelin was ashamed of what she said to his father. Apparently, Gavriel hadn’t told him.

“Yes, it is,” he said, and for a second she wondered if he was also crying. “Tell me where you are,
I’ll pick you up. You don’t have to talk, we’ll just stay together for a while, aright?”

It was tempting, but Aelin shook her head even if he couldn’t see her. “Uh, not now. I’m sorry.”

“Why?”

“I just… I’m alright where I am.” In truth, being around Aedion would remind her too much of
Gavriel, of how betrayed she felt. She needed a few days first, needed to get back on her feet and
not feel as if she could break down every second.

“No, Ae, please come back. We’ll order food and- “he was near begging when Elide took the
phone from her hand, leaving Aelin to cry between her own hands as her friend took over the
situation.

She was hurting Aedion, and she didn’t like it.

Maybe she should just… ignore her feelings. It would be the mature thing to do, wouldn’t it?

“Hi, Aedion. It’s Elide, Aelin’s been with me since yesterday.” A pause. “She is fine, we’re having
a couple of girls day together.” Another pause. “No, she just slept the day off, she was safe with me
and Lorcan. We’re alright and I’m taking care of her.” Another pause. “Yes, she will come back
when she’s ready. I’ll watch over her, and she’ll text you every day.” Was Elide aware of how
grateful Aelin was for her? “Yes, have a good night. Bye.”

She hung up and gave the phone back to Aelin. Aelin swallowed back her tears and thanked Elide,
a smile on her lips. “You didn’t have to do that.”
“You’re my friend, I don’t have to do anything, I do these things gladly.”

A friend. She had a true friend, and she swore she wouldn’t neglect that again. Aelin smiled, and
even if the tears on her cheeks weren’t dry yet, she hoped it came out as sincere. Because it was.

“You need to be more selfish.” Elide said, and Aelin couldn’t resist her snort.

“I’ve been selfish plenty. I pushed everyone away, not caring about anyone’s feelings, just for my
relationship.”

“And you were not lying for yourself, you were lying for him. He was the one in the bad position,
Aelin. That was not for you.”

Oh.

Well.

“I still chose that relationship.”

“Woah, one choice for yourself, should I clap?” Aelin asked, on her usual sarcastic tone. Got it.

The front door opened and made a loud noise, probably crashing into a furniture or the wall. Quick
footsteps echoed, a high and loud voice squealing, “Uncle Lor! I’m here!”

And then, Helia appeared in the kitchen doorway. She was dressed in a purple skirt and pink top
with a lot of sparkle. Lorcan and Elide’s faces were surprised, so she supposed this visit wasn’t
planned. When the girl turned her head to the side and saw Aelin, she all but threw herself on her
legs. “Aelin!”

All her problems vanished as she held Helia under her armpits to make her sit on her lap, little arms
being thrown over her neck. That was all she needed right now, a big, big hug from her daughter.

From Rowan’s daughter. His daughter, not hers.

And then, Aelin’s problem walked into the kitchen, a princess bag in his hand and a computer bag
in the other, stopping in his tracks as he took in the sight in front of him. His newly ex-girlfriend,
hugging his daughter.

Aelin didn’t even want to imagine what she looked like, she hadn’t bothered taking off her make-
up yesterday before falling asleep, and she had done a great deal of crying in the last few hours.

“What are you doing here?” Lorcan asked, and she could almost feel an edge of his voice. That
was for sure, he wasn’t the one who had invited the father/daughter duo. Elide stood and stepped
beside her boyfriend, her arms crossed.

But Rowan was still looking at her, swallowing difficultly. Helia was smiling as she pulled back
from the hug, “Daddy, Aelin’s here.”

“I can see that, baby,” he told her, voice soft. As it always was around his daughter. Aelin wanted
to curse at him, to hit and scream at him. But she stayed quiet, because of Helia.

“But daddy said you were sick,” Helia commented. “Why are you here?”

She supposed it was the excuse he had found to explain her absence, he couldn’t tell her what had
really happened. “Well, I was feeling better, and I wanted to have a sleepover with Elide.”
“Can I have a sleepover with you two?” She asked, beaming in happiness at the idea of spending
the night with the two adults. She looked at Aelin with those big, doe-eyes of hers, which made it
so hard to tell her no.

Her mouth parted, unsure of what to say. Rowan cut in, “You’re spending the night with Granny,
Helia.”

She pouted, turning around to look at her father. “Pretty please?”

He sighed, “You didn’t even ask Lorcan and Elide.”

The man in question shrugged, “She has her own room here, she knows she doesn’t have to ask.”

And when he said her own room, Lorcan didn’t mean a guest room. No, Helia’s name was quite
literally painted onto the door, all with purple sparkles. He had let her decorate the entire room,
pick the colors and furniture. The room looked so bright and a little awful if Aelin admitted, but
Helia adored her room here.

“Alright, then,” Rowan gave in, and Helia clapped in her hands.

“Aelin! We’re having a girl sleepover!”

She smiled brightly at her, “That’s amazing, pumpkin.”

Rowan was on his phone, probably texting Helia’s grandparents when Helia went for Helia and
opened her arms. “Let’s get your stuff in your room and get you in PJs, yeah?”

Helia gladly threw herself in Elide’s arm and Elide grabbed the toddler’s bag before climbing up
the stairs. Only then, Rowan asked, “What are you doing here?”

“Drinking tea, isn’t it obvious?”

What was obvious was the half-full glass of whiskey in front of her, but thankfully he didn’t
comment on that. Instead, he said, “Have you called your father back? He’s worried.”

She snorted, “I stopped caring about him last night.”

“You should hear him out.”

She cocked her head to the side, “What, you two became buddy between yesterday and now?”

“I heard him out,” Rowan shrugged. “You should, too.”

He had no right to tell her what she should or shouldn’t do, not anymore. He lost that right when he
shattered her heart and his promises yesterday. Lorcan took a step in their direction, “Were you
here for anything?”

He sighed, “Yeah, well, I suppose it’s better if Ae’s here. I need your help, Lor.”

“Anything,” the other man answered quickly, and she knew he meant it.

He nodded in thanks and avoided Aelin’s gaze for a second. Why was it better if she was here, too?
He placed his computer bag onto the kitchen island counter and opened it, getting out his computer.
“Do you remember the texts I started getting on our trip?”

He was still not looking her way, but she asked, “The one from the student with the bad grade?”
Lorcan knew about that?

Rowan winced, “I’m not sure they come from a student.”

“What? What does that mean, did you lie? You told me they were harmless, why do you need help
now?”

He took a deep breath, turning on the electronic device and opening the email website. “I told you I
didn’t know who it came from, but I did tell you it was nothing. I did believe that and Lorcan did,
too. But I was wrong.”

“But you told me they were a student who didn’t get a good grade, is it what it is or not?”

“I don’t know.”

“Who are they?”

“I don’t know.”

“What the hell do you know then?”

His jaw clenched, “I know that whoever they are they’ve been threatening me, then Helia and then
you for more than a month now, and because I didn’t listen, those photos were sent to your
parents.”

Aelin’s heart nearly stopped, and she was glad to be seated as she breathed, “Threatened?"

"Maybe you want me to give you a moment?” Lorcan asked.

“No,” she snapped. She didn’t want to be around Rowan all alone. If Lorcan was there, she could
handle it. He could ignore him, even if that hadn’t been very effective for now. But just the two of
them… She couldn’t.

“I really rather not have to see the two of you argue.”

“We’re not arguing,” she answered dryly.

He took a deep breath and looked between them, then down at the computer. “Sure. I believe you.”

That was obviously sarcastic, and Aelin had the sudden urge to flip him off. But she did want her
sleepover with Helia and Elide, so maybe she would wait tomorrow morning to annoy him.

“Show me.”

Rowan finally looked up, “What?”

“Show me those fucking texts,” she demanded. “Since I’ve been in the dark before, you know.”

He looked around the room before sighing, opening up his phone. Aelin’s heart almost shattered
when she saw his screen background, a picture of her and Helia. It brought back the tears she
wanted to fight, and she did. She would cry once he left, but not now.

He handed her his phone, and Aelin was horrified as she read through the texts. The first one was
dated from the day before they left from the Southern Continent, and it was a simple. I know your
secret.
She was his secret.

He got another one, the day they left. Break it off, or you won’t like the consequences.

For a few days, there were a few threats, and then she gasped at the week coming from a week
later. I wouldn’t want your daughter’s heart to be broken, do the right thing.

The text conversation was only going one way, and little threats were sent every few days. How
could have Rowan hid that from her? How could he never mention it to her, but do it to his best
friend?

A hand covered her mouth as she read one of the latest texts, Get that bitch out of your life or you
will pay, and so will she.

The rests of the text were variations of the same meaning, and Aelin’s hands hook when she read
direct threats to her person, physical threats. Then, the text she had caught on his phone a week
ago. What the hell? That was so much more than just a student being angry.

She looked up, her heart beating wildly. “Why the fuck did you hide that from me?”

“Alright, I’m going to change,” Lorcan said, leaving the room. “You have five minutes to deal with
that, but I don’t want to see it.”

Aelin couldn’t protest before he was gone, leaving only her and Rowan. The room felt too small,
too small to house her anger, sadness and bitterness. It felt too small to house all the love she had
for him, the same love she had no one to give now.

“Aelin…”

“How could you?” She asked, her voice teary. “How could you hide this from me? How could you
look at me in the eyes and keep this from me? I would have never done this to you, never.”

He held himself against the counter, both hands holding him and his eyes closed as he took a deep
breath. “I promised to protect you and it’s what I tried to do. Lorcan has been trying to trace the
number for weeks, I thought I could stop it all before it ended the way it did last night.”

“You lied.”

“If I told you, you would have left,” he snapped. “You would have left the moment you saw those
texts.”

Her lips parted; he was right. The moment a text mentioning Helia was sent, she would have left.
“If you knew that, how dared you keep me by your side if you knew it wasn’t what I would have
done with all the informations?”

“Because I love you!” He almost yelled, hands in the air. “Because I am in love with you, because
Helia thinks you’re her fucking mother and I couldn’t do that to myself or to her, I couldn’t take
you away. We were worrying about your tests result by then, and it was eating you fucking alive.
Did you want me to add more to your plate? I was trying to protect you, and it did mess up. I’m
fucking sorry about that, I’m sorry about last night, but I keep getting stuck in those impossible
situation, whatever choice I make, I hurt someone.”

Her lips were quivering, and he was holding on the stool she was sitting on, if only because she
knew her hands would be shaking if she let go. “You lied to me. You left me, and you’re talking
about love?”
“Do you think I wanted to leave you? It took everything in me, and it fucking killed me. I’m not
trying to pretend I’m the victim here, I know how wrong I was, and seeing you this way… Aelin,
if I must, I’ll beg on my knees for you to understand. I was trying to protect you.”

She shook her head, the hurt talking. “I don’t care, you broke my heart. This situation would have
been avoided if you hadn’t thought I was too weak to hear what was happening. But you never
trust me, I always must be the one to beg you to talk to me. To let me in. You never open up by
yourself.”

A tear escaped his eye, and it was too much. Tears streamed down her face, but she did what she
could to keep the sobs in. He wiped away the tear quickly, as if she couldn’t see it. He took a step
in her direction, and her body stiffened. She raised a finger in the air, stopping him, “Would you
have told me? If I wasn’t here, would you have told me the truth?”

His silence was answer enough. Her heart shattered, again. She didn’t care about the threat on her
person, or the ones on her relationship. Aelin and Rowan had chosen to get into this mess, but
Helia hadn’t. Of course, she would have left. She would have protected the kid who had almost
become her daughter, and Rowan, in his attempt to protect her, had taken that away from her.

“I don’t think you’re too weak to take it,” he said. “The timing… You were already in pain, Aelin.
I was too scared to let you know and watch you leave, knowing how in pain you would be. I didn’t
care about mine, but I couldn’t let you in pain. You’re strong, Aelin, but I love you too much to
hurt you.”

Her voice was barely louder than a whisper, their eyes looking deep into each other, when she said,
“Too late.”

She saw the shudder hit him, she saw the profound pain in his eyes, but she didn’t take those words
back. Because they were true.

His lips were slightly quivering as he said, “You mother called a board meeting this morning, to
fire me.”

What?

She opened her mouth to ask a million question, but he kept going, “I don’t know why. But she
was… He looked enraged, before that meeting, she said I took her daughter away from her. But
your father, he protected my job. Said he’d known all along and approved, that precautions had
been taken. He lied, I have no idea why, but after that he asked me to come into his office. He
asked if you were at my place, said he hadn’t been able to reach you since the night before. He
asked that if I saw you, I told you that he listened, and he would protect us.”

Aelin had an idea why her mother had done that, but she ignored it. As she did the words of her
father, because they were too much. Maybe she was weak, maybe that was why she always broke
down.

“Do, your job…”

“At the hospital? It’s safe.”

If he was specifying… “What about at the school?”

He only shook her head, and Aelin closed her eyes. Rowan loved teaching, and no matter how mad
she was at him now, her heart broke for him. She opened her mouth, ready to apologize, but he
shook his head. “Don’t. I broke the rules, I chose to do it, and I don’t regret it. It’s their rules,
Aelin, they have the right to fire me.”

She knew that, and yet… “I hate her.”

“I know,” he said. “She… You should talk to your dad and uncle, because this board meeting
backfired against your mother.”

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t know the details, I wasn’t there,” he said, and there was nothing he could do to erase the
sadness from his features, standing feet away from her. “But your uncle and father, they exposed
elements that led to her suspensions while a commission examines her cases.”

Her eyes were open wide, “They did what?”

But he didn’t need to repeat, Aelin had heard him more than well. What, the actual fuck, had
happened? Divorcing her was one thing, something Aelin had only barely believed, but trying to
rid her of her job?

Aelin couldn’t find it in herself to feel back for the woman. No, all she wanted to do was throw
more oil on the fire that had started that morning.

“Do you think you could forgive me?” He asked, voice low and unsure. “When this is dealt with,
once we find who was behind what happened… Do you think we have a chance of starting over?”

It was as if something was gripping her by the throat when he asked that, her airway cut. She
closed her eyes, trying to breathe in deep, and when she opened her eyes, she saw her reflection in
one of Lorcan’s windows, and she looked… awful.

“You left me. When you promised you would never, you left me. You lied and left me. If I’m
being honest right now… A part of me hates, Rowan. I hate what you did to me, and I don’t want
to forgive you.” She didn’t know how she managed to say it all without breaking down.

He pressed his lips together, eyes closing as he nodded. And his voice broke, as he said, “Alright, I
get that. It’s… It’s okay.”

And of course, it was the moment Lorcan picked to reenter the room. Well, his room. He looked
around the room, “Hellas, do I need to change again?”

Aelin shook her head, barely noticing how he was now wearing black shirt and sweatpants, his
long dark hair falling under his shoulder. “We’re done,” she said, her voice breaking in turn.

“Alright,” he answered, half believing. “What do you need me to do?”

Rowan took a few seconds to answer, “I need you to get into Rhoe Galathynius’ email account and
find whoever has sent him this email. Then I can destroy them.”

Aelin barely flinched at the mention of invading her father’s privacy, she wanted to know as much
as Rowan did. So, she typed her father’s personal email address and let Lorcan play his magic.
 Chapter 42

“How do you do these things?” Aelin asked as Lorcan was standing in front of the computer, his
fingers typing faster than she could comprehend. Rowan was standing on the opposite side of the
kitchen island, far enough to not brush any of her boundaries but close enough to see what was
happening on the computer.

Lorcan shrugged, “It’s not that hard.”

She rolled her eyes, “Sure, what a time to be modest, McBastard.” She whispered that last part.

“What was that?”

She pressed her lips together, fighting against her smile. Maybe this wasn’t the best time to laugh,
but it was tempting. She dared a look at Rowan and emotion gripped her by the throat as she found
him already looking at her, humor in his eyes.

She looked away quickly, “How much time left, you think?”

“Well, your father isn’t very keen on security apparently so I would say less than five minutes.”

Aelin resisted the urge to defend her father. She had no idea what to think as of now, what to feel.
It was too much. She was already bad at dealing with a normal amount of emotion, and these past
few days have been so, so much.

“Aelin!” Helia said, rushing into the kitchen. “Elide brushed my teeth.”

Aelin softly grabbed her chin and asked, “Show me.”

The toddler had the infuriating habit to lie and say someone had brushed her teeth only to escape it.
Aelin had no idea why, she supposed it was just what kids did. The little girl narrowed her eyes at
Aelin and tried to start a staring contest, caught in her lies. She shook her head and smiled as she
said, “Go brush your teeth.”

“But I thought it was a sleepover. Don’t we get candies at a sleepover?”

The two men snorted but didn’t help her out of the situation. She shrugged, “Your uncle Rowan
doesn’t have sweets, so it’s a healthy sleepover. It sucks, right?”

Helia’s offended gaze turned to her uncle, brows furrowed in disappointment and anger. “You
suck, uncle Lorcan!” And then she ran away.

It was too hard to keep Aelin’s snort in, and she barely felt guilty for teaching Helia a word that
was on her father’s bad words.

Dryly, he said, “Thanks for that.”

Lorcan added, “I’m so close to kicking you out.”

“You won’t.”

He raised an eyebrow, “I won’t?”

She shook her head, pressing her lips together. “You are whipped, Salvaterre. And Elide won’t let
you kick me out.”

He started at her for one more second before sighing, turning his eyes back onto the computer. It
was an admission if there ever was one.

“What won’t I let him do?” Elide asked, also in her pajamas.

“Kick me out,” Aelin answered.

Elide snorted, “You’re so sure of yourself.”

“Am I wrong?”

She shrugged, taking an apple from the bowl of fruits on the counter. “Maybe, maybe not.”

Aelin rolled her eyes and murmured, “Traitor.”

“Could you watch over Helia a little?” Rowan asked, facing Elide. “I just don’t want her near
everything that we will see or say.”

Aelin already had an idea of what they could find in her father’s inbox, but Rowan was right. She
didn’t want Helia near anything. She wanted to protect and preserve her as much as she could.

Elide looked him up and down, “Of course. When do you think you’ll be gone?”

Lorcan threw her a look Aelin couldn’t understand, and they seemed to have some kind of silent
conversation. She shrugged, looking at her boyfriend innocently. He rolled his eyes, “You’re
welcome here.”

“I thought our house was a safe place?”

“You moved in?” Aelin asked, voice too loud and eyes wide as saucers.

“You have only seen me here for the past few weeks, have you not?” her friend asked with an
amused tone. “I’m not you, I don’t keep a place to the side even when I live somewhere else. It’s
far too expensive, and a waste of money.”

It wasn’t said as an insult, but it still strung in her own insecurities. She didn’t know why she had
felt the need to keep an option in case things went wrong with Rowan, but as of now, she was
somewhat glad for it. She refused to regret it, not after how he broke her heart and left her.

She heard him. Heard his reasons. But it wasn’t enough, not when she could still feel the pain. Not
when she had warned him, she wouldn’t forgive him if such thing happened.

Rowan saved her from answering. “I will be gone as soon as we finish this,” he said, jerking his
chin in the direction of the computer. “Not one minute after. No worries.”

“You stay as long as you want,” Lorcan said, eyes leaving the computer. “You can even spend the
night.”

“No, he can’t,” Elide added, crossing her arms.

Aelin swallowed difficultly. Elide and Rowan never had problems to get along before, and Aelin
wasn’t ignorant enough to wonder why her friend acted so hostile. “It’s okay, Elide.”

“Is it? Was it okay last night? Were you?”

Rowan looked away at that, and Aelin did, too. Her friend knew the truth. She wasn’t okay. She
wasn’t today, and she wasn’t last night.

‘I promise. I will be done as soon as this is done.”

“Good,” Elide said and grabbed another apple, probably for Helia, and left.

“She’s passionate,” Lorcan tried to explain, but Aelin couldn’t feel him being that apologetic.

“She’s right,” Rowan said, voice hard to hide the hurt. “I should leave.”

“Don’t,” she breathed, unsure as to why she was stopping him but as she had started… “You want
those answers as much as I do. You don’t have to leave before you get them.”

He looked doubtful, ready to run away. She held in a remark about his tendencies to flight, while
hers were to fight. But she held it, if only because Helia was in the other room and Aelin wished to
look mature.

She didn’t think she could forgive the lies, how he hid things from her… But she didn’t want Helia
to have an idea of what was happening. Even if she would notice things changing, that Aelin
wouldn’t be around anymore…

She didn’t want to think about it, or she would cry.

“I’m in,” Lorcan said. His eyes turned to hers, and she could almost see sympathy there. “Do you
want to know his password?”

“I don’t give a shit,” and it was the truth, at least part of it. She was curious, obviously, but not
enough.

“Alright,” he sighed.

“Look for an email received a week ago,” she told him, watching the screen as he scrolled down
slowly.

“There,” Rowan pointed to an email sent by iamannonym@doraemail.com

She sighed, rolling her eyes as she mumbled under her breath, “Of course they didn’t use their real
address.”

Rowan snorted, and Aelin worked hard to not look his way, to keep her eyes on the screen. She had
told him to stay, it didn’t mean she wanted him there. She just… Didn’t feel as if she could do it if
he wasn’t there, as pathetic as it sounded. “Alright,” Lorcan started. “I’m opening this, are you
two, like, ready?”

“No,” Rowan said at the same time as Aelin answered, “Yes.”

The tall brunette threw a look at both of them before rolling his eyes and then, clicked once on the
email.

Aelin heart was pounding, she could feel it in her fingers, as she read the few words written.

I thought you’d like to see what your daughter is up to, seems like they made a habit of always
lying to you. Hope you enjoy, XoXo.

“What the hell,” Rowan breathed, eyebrows frowned.

“This person is against you, Aelin. Not Rowan or your relationship.”

Aelin had deduced so earlier, even if this text only confirmed it. What caught her attention was…
“Why use ‘they’?”

Lorcan frowned, “Could they refer to your mother? Could she be lying to your dad about
something?”

She shrugged, “I mean, it’s not like I know her. But before very recently he always was on her side,
she wouldn’t have a reason to lie.”

“Celaena,” Rowan breathed, her name rolling off his tongue which such normalcy it broke her
heart.

“What?”

“She lied a lot, didn’t she? I mean, when you were teens before the accident, you told me that’s
what you were both doing all the time, right?”

Her lips parted, flashbacks almost blinding her in her mind. “I mean- We did, yeah. Mostly her. But
whoever wrote that couldn’t know about Celaena.”

“Why not?”

“Because no one does, or at least only a limited amount of people.”

“Who knows, exactly?” Lorcan asked. “Maybe if we know, we can have a list of suspects.”

She shook her head, “You don’t understand, it cannot be.”

“It doesn’t hurt to look for that,” Rowan said.

She took a deep breath. Apparently, it was their only lead… Even if she was sure, it couldn’t be
that, as everyone on that list would be people she trusted. But she knew the two of them wouldn’t
let go, so she started speaking. “The two of you, first. Elide and her mother. Everyone from my
family, obviously. Then, Fenrys, Dorian. Maybe Connall and Vaughan in passing, but then I think
this is it?”

“If you lived there as a kid, then a lot of people in Doranelle would know. Especially the ones
working at the hospital before you left when Aedion’s mother passed.”

“No one would care about that enough,” Aelin argued. “It’s almost been a decade, everyone forgot
about her.”

“I wouldn’t be too sure about that,” Lorcan said. “Your father is an important man, if the goal here
is to destroy him then people have good memories of it.”

“He’s a shit father but a good person,” Aelin argued. “No one would have a matter to settle with
him.”

“Aelin was the clear target of these attacks, not the Chief. If he was, they would have already
broadcasted our affair to humiliate him.”

A shiver ran down her spine, chilling her to the bones. Who could have something against her
enough to go to such extend? “Can we see the pictures?”
A sharp intake of breath was taken by Rowan and his friends nodded, clicking on the file of
documents that was attached to the email. Aelin’s eyes widened, her heart nearly stopping at the
number of pictures that showed on the screen. It was… a lot. She didn’t have an exact number, of
course not, but it was nearly a hundred. The more Lorcan scrolled down, the more pictures
appeared.

“What the fuck,” Rowan breathed.

The pictures were too small for them to see, and Aelin asked in a cold tone for Lorcan to open one
of them. She didn’t care which one, but as her limbs froze, she felt the overwhelming need to
know.

To know everything, every single detail she could find. Because if she knew, maybe she could find
a way to find control. She couldn’t wait and sit around, pretend as if it didn’t exist. It was so at
odds from the way she always acted.

Lorcan pressed on one picture, and Aelin’s heart squeezed as a picture of Aelin, sitting on Rowan’s
lap in his car as they kissed appeared on the screen. It had been months ago, and the way they were
kissing… There was nothing soft or loving in that one. It had been a kiss of hunger, of need and
desire.

Unconsciously, her eyes moved to find Rowan, and he was already looking at her. He knew what
she was thinking, they hadn’t been caught around their vacation. It must have happened very early
in their relationship.

Bile rose in her throat as she asked Lorcan to show every picture, without missing a single one of
them. They’d been followed, and if it didn’t sound so unreal, she would think it was a professional
taking all these pictures. Pictures of Rowan picking her up at the bar after her drink was spiked,
ones of her entering the hospital with him the day after.

The more she saw, the sicker she felt. Pictures of Aelin picking Helia up from daycare, pictures of
Aelin and Rowan talking outside after her parents’ dinner turned to disaster…

Aelin wasn’t breathing as a picture of Helia on Aelin’s shoulder while she and Rowan held hands
appeared. Simply because… Because it had been taken in the Southern continent.

Oh, gods.

That sick person followed them to the other side of the world. Rowan caught her gaze, and worry
and altern shone bright in his eyes, even more as he took the computer from Lorcan and didn’t pay
attention to the pictures as he passed them all quickly, then letting out a breath that almost sounded
like a sigh of relief. “What is it?” She dared to ask.

“There are no pictures of your birthday night,” he said, and it clicked. She had forgotten, forgotten
what they’d done that night. No one had been there to their knowledge, but if they had been… It
would have been disastrous.

Maybe they had left too late, or had driven too long if whoever had followed them the entire trip
hadn’t followed. If she was naive, she could think that maybe they had followed but decided the
moment was too private to capture, but that night would have made the perfect scandalous pictures.

Maybe this was a small mercy, the one thing she should focus on as she felt sick looking through
pictures of her at the beach, on Rowan’s lap as they kissed. Pictures of them looking for Helia,
then hugging when they found her again.
Bile rose in her throat as she realized they had been robbed of all the privacy they had traveled for.
She had felt free then, free from the shackles of hiding that were wrapped around her limbs in
Doranelle.

How could they not notice someone spying on them? How could they not feel it? She did not only
hate how her private and intimate moments with her boyfriend had been tarnished and exposed, but
Helia was there. A goddamn kid.

And she would have never been exposed to it all if Aelin had just stayed away, if she had kept her
distance and had resisted the urge to get close to Rowan Whitethorn. Aelin should have stayed
away.

It always ended that way with Aelin. People got hurt, she got hurt. She was a wreck, a storm
coming to destroy people’s life, and yet she still walked into a child’s life and took the risk. She
was so, so selfish. Helia was calling her mommy, was trusting and loving her, while Aelin only
brought devastation in her life.

In the next second, Aelin was running to the bathroom and only had enough time to kneel before
she emptied her stomach into the toilet. She sobbed as she vomited, and she couldn’t fight it back
as someone gathered her hair in a ponytail and stoked her back.

She knew it was Rowan, knew it was him with just the way his fingers brushed the skin of the
back of her head, from how silent he was. “Let me go,” she breathed.

It was maddening how at odds her feelings were. She hated and loved him, both feelings as strong
as the other. He had hurt her, had left her. Even with the best excuse in the world it didn’t excuse
his lack of communication, how he had left her the day before. She hated him, because he could
have stopped their relationship before it started. Because if he had pushed her away, if he had kept
the distance between them, this wouldn’t have happened. She wouldn’t get her heart broken again,
feeling worse than death. Wishing she was dead, if only to feel reprieve from this endless pain and
hatred burning in her.

But she loved him. Loved him because he gave her that reprieve and at the same time, made her
feel more alive than she had ever felt in her life. Because he gave her will to keep going, to never
give up. Because he showed her there was more to her pain.

She sobbed at the duality of these feelings, at how she wished she could just pick one emotion and
stick with it.

“I won’t,” he answered under his breath. His hands wrapped around her shoulders, and he barely
had to use his strength to make her fall into his arms, sitting on the cold tiled floor. “I hate you,”
she breathed.

His body barely stiffened under her hands, he answered, “I love you.”

And as his arms enveloped her, as if they were a shield protecting her from the outside world,
Aelin let herself feel. She let go of all pretenses, of the walls she built up to pretend she was strong.
No, Aelin let her true self out in her former lover’s arm, and she broke.

She mourned the teenager who had grown up without parents. She mourned the young adult who
thought her mother cared for her and was only hiding it. She mourned the future she had only
started to want, only for it to fall apart this last week. She mourned her relationship, and the woman
she had just been two days ago.
She held on to Rowan for dear life, and as her sobs got louder, they heard the TV turning on. She
was grateful for Lorcan and Elide, they were with Helia right now. They were shielding her.
Shielding her from Aelin, because she was the root to all problems.

She wanted to be a mother, wanted to be Helia’s mother. But how could she? How could she when
she was only a broken mess. There was only that to Aelin, only the havoc that had started twenty-
four years ago and was still doing damages to this day.

“How could you not be hurt?”

He took a few seconds to answer, “You think I am not?”

“That’s how you look like.”

He shook his head, the movement making itself feel even as her head laid on his chest. “I don’t get
to breakdown, Aelin. I can’t.”

She looked up, tears still warm and wet on her cheeks, her eyes red and burning, “Why not? Why
don’t you ever show your goddamn feelings?”

He looked away for a second, and it struck her then. Her head pounded; lips quivered as she
answered her own question. “Because of me, isn’t it?”

Green met blue as he looked in her eyes, guilt and fear and sadness shinning in his pine green eyes.
“I have to be strong for the people around me.”

“Say it,” she said, voice hollow. “Say it. You think me too weak to handle you’re your emotions.”

“There is not a single part of me that thinks you’re anything else than the strongest person I have
ever met.”

She snorted, though she could make the noise as hateful as she wished it was. Pathetic, she was
pathetic. “Is it this why you never told me about the texts? Why you always hide? Because I’m
strong?” She spat the last word. “You think I’m strong and yet what, you would deal with this
goddamn situation alone? If I hadn’t been here today, I wouldn’t know that you didn’t want to
leave. How long did you plan on leaving me heartbroken, huh? How long would you have told
Helia I was sick?”

“I was wrong,” he yielded. “I know that. You know that. Throw it in my face as many times as you
wish, but it won’t make me leave, Aelin.”

Her mouth dried, her saliva hard to swallow. “Why?”

He captured her chin between his fingers and tiled her head to have her looking into his eyes,
“Because I love you more than anything, because I’m a fool and I messed everything up, but I
cannot stand to see you in pain. Because you need someone to love you when you hate yourself so
much.”

She snapped her head to the side, breaking any physical contact they held. She stood, turning her
back to him as she flushed the toilet and washed her hands. “You know what I needed?” He stood
too now; she could see him in the mirror above the sink. Her gaze was cold as it settled on him,
still using the mirror as a barrier between them. “I needed for my boyfriend to hold my hand
yesterday. I needed him by my side. I needed him to take me away from the two people who have
hurt me for years, and instead he left me. And I found out that the guy I had idolized, the one I
built my entire fucking life around was just another bastard waiting to break hearts.” She started
chuckling, the noise sounded fake to her own ears. “But hey, what was I expecting? He would
always be the guy who chose his work over his wife, the one who nearly cheated on her whilst she
was pregnant.”

She closed her eyes, unable to look at him. Not as she said every hateful word that crossed her
mind. She couldn’t find it in herself to regret them just yet, but the shame burned in her veins.

She had the good idea of holding back other words, ones that could open wounds from his
childhood. It was tempting, to see him hurt as she did, but as she opened her eyes and caught his
gaze in the mirror…

There were tears there, and utter agony that almost brought her to her knees. She stormed out of the
room, needing to be as far away from him as possible, but he followed after her. “I told you, spill
your hate as you wish but I am not leaving.”

“I don’t want you!” she yelled in the room she had woken up in. “I don’t want to see your goddamn
face.”

Her handbag was on the floor, and only a few of her possessions were out. She grabbed it and
started shoving everything she owned inside.

“Aelin,” he said, taking a step in her direction. “Please, stop.”

“Stop what?” She asked, turning to face him. “Are you asking me to stop hurting? Because I can’t!
It fucking hurts, Rowan. It hurts so much I want to claw my heart out of my chest and throw it in
the trash, because then maybe I would stop feeling.”

“Allow me to help, please, Aelin, I’m begging you—”

“Get out!” she yelled, her voice breaking entirely. “I’m begging you, Rowan. Get the fuck out of
here, because you overwhelm me.”

His lips parted as they quivered, his eyes didn’t leave her as twin tears escaped his eyes. Then,
others followed as his head slightly shook. She barely heard his, “Please, I need you.”

It was enough for her tears to flow harder on her face, her knees buckling. She could fall to the
floor now and never stand again, and somehow the idea wasn’t as repulsive as it had been years
ago. Somehow, she’d dug a deeper hole for herself this time.

Elide and Lorcan entered the room then, the tall man interrupting them, “That’s enough.”

Elide rushed to Aelin’s side, laying a warm and protecting hand on her shoulder. But Aelin didn’t
look away from Rowan, nor did he. “I think you are done for tonight here, Rowan,” Elide said.
“Thank you for your visit. Lorcan will drive Helia to you tomorrow, no need to come back.”

If her words were passive-aggressive, there was no passiveness in her tone. But Rowan didn’t
move, tears wet and shinning on his cheeks. “Please,” he pleaded her quietly.

She could give in, hug him and share their pains and yet… One side of her emotions had won this
evening, if only because love was more exhausting than hate. And Aelin wasn’t sure she had any
more energy to spare. “Get out,” she answered.

His eyes fluttered closed, and Lorcan wrapped a hand on his shoulder and led him out of the room,
closing the room behind him. The lock had barely been heard in the room as Aelin’s knees gave
up, she fell onto the bed, her head in her hands as she sobbed. Elide climbed onto the bed and
wrapped her arms around Aelin, but it had nothing of the comfort of Rowan’s touch.

It was different, but she didn’t hate it. She let herself go, her oldest friend witnessing one of the
worst moments of her life. “What is wrong with me?” She asked between sobs, face deformed by
her cries. “What is wrong with me, Elide?”

“Nothing,” her friend answered softly. “There is nothing wrong with you.”

But there was. There had to be. Aelin couldn’t accept that this was her normal, that her mind chose
to hurt over comfort willingly. She wasn’t supposed to feel so many things, to hurt so much.

As seconds passed, it felt as if Rowan was torn away from her more and more. As if every step he
surely took were breaking something in her heart, and yet she couldn’t find it in herself to give up
and call him back.

Hating him was easier, she told herself, hoping it was the truth. That at one point down the road, it
would stop hurting so much.
 Chapter 43
Chapter Notes

See the end of the chapter for notes

Aelin was exhausted as she opened the front door of her apartment. She hadn’t looked into a mirror
today for her own sanity, but she was aware that after spending half of the night crying, she
couldn’t look good.

After Rowan had left, she had allowed herself a few minutes to put herself together before joining
Elide and Helia. The little girl had been exhausted, though, and fell asleep quite early into the
evening. For a minute, Aelin had thought about taking her to bed with her. She hadn’t wanted to be
alone, and Helia always asked to sleep in the same bed as her. But, when tears started burning her
eyes again at the thought of the girl’s dad, and she had known it was better if she took Helia to her
own bedroom instead.

And that was what she had done, and when Helia woke up and asked for a story, Aelin happily
delivered.

“You’ve been harsh with him,” she had told Elide last night, happy to see the woman was waiting
for her in the guest room. Aelin hadn’t wanted to be alone, and it seemed like Elide knew that.

The brunette’s eyebrow had risen, “So have you.”

She had sighed, laying on the bed. “I know, but please don’t kick him out again. I know it is your
house and I have no say in what happens, but I also know that Rowan doesn’t trust many people,
but Lorcan is one of them. He… needs his friend.”

“After what he’s done, you want him to have support?”

“I know it wasn’t easy for him nor something he wanted to do.”

Elide had nodded and didn’t say anything for a few minutes. “Why don’t you forgive him then?”

It was the million dollars question, wasn’t it? She knew why, but she was afraid that if she said it
then it wouldn’t make sense. She was also afraid of her own emotions.

“You can tell me,” Elide had whispered.

So, Aelin did. “He promised, a while ago. Promised that he would never leave me. But he did, and
even if he didn’t mean for it to last, he still did. I never asked for anything, only that he never leave
me. He did, and it seemed so easy, Elide. He walked away twice, even as I begged. Do you know
how many people left me, destroyed my trust and left me to myself? He was supposed to be the
exception. And I know why he did it, I heard him. But I’m so mad, at him and myself. Because it
looked so easy to leave me, you know? And when he left, I had no idea who I was, as if I had made
my entire life revolve around loving him.”

“Aelin!” A loud squeal of her name tore out from the memory of the night before. Barely a second
later, Lysandra had thrown herself on Aelin. “I was so worried for you.”

Had she? Aelin let her bag fall to the floor and hugged her friend, closing her eyes as she enjoyed
them embrace. “I’m sorry.”
Lysandra pulled back, and an unusual frown was on her face, “What happened?”

She shrugged, not really decided to talk now. If only because she was sure to cry. Her eyes caught
blonde hair in the living room, and the next thing she knew she was hugging her cousin.

“I missed you,” she admitted. She had, that was true. She had thought that having Rowan and Helia
was enough, that she didn’t need him but… She would have needed him that night.

He kissed her cheek, “I’m always here, alright? No matter what we told each other before, call me
when you need help.”

She swallowed back her tears and nodded, “I’ll know that now.”

He smiled at her and pushed her back into his arms, and she stayed there comfortably. Should she
tell him about his father? About what she said? Gavriel hadn’t committed a crime, he had only
thought her too… herself to hear him out. Yet, she still felt betrayed.

She would decide later, for now she only wanted to relax if it was possible. “You wanna talk?”

She shook her head, pulling back from the hug. “Later?”

He nodded, “As long as you actually speak.”

She rolled her eyes jokingly and grabbed her things to put them in her room, and she ignored how
odd it felt to enter the room. Had she spent that much time at Rowan’s? Well, she’d have to get
used to here again, at least for a while.

“Hey,” A masculine voice surprised her from behind, and Dorian was in her doorway with a smile
on his face.

“Hey,” she smiled at him. “Sorry for the worry the other night.”

He crossed his arms and shrugged. “I’m happy you’re okay.”

“It’s me,” she said, though she didn’t really feel like her smile was still real. “Always okay.”

“You don’t have to pretend, you know,” he said, entering the room and closing the door behind
him.

“I rather,” she admitted. “It’s the only way it will get better.”

“Come here,” he breathed, opening his arms for her. She gladly hugged him. “No more
boyfriend?” He asked, as if he knew. She supposed it was the only reason why he could imagine
she felt that way. Maybe she was that pathetic.

“No.” She answered, voice hollow. “No more boyfriend.”

He squeezed her tighter, such a brotherly gesture before he pulled back. “Do you want to talk trash
about him all night?”

She snorted, shaking her head as she said, “No. But… I wouldn’t mind a sleepover where you tell
me all the details of that relationship of yours with the blonde.”

“Manon,” he said with a blush on his cheeks. “There’s nothing to say, there aren’t any
relationship.”
Aelin’s eyebrows almost reached her hairline, “Even after what we heard with Lys? And after all
the others times that must have taken place when I wasn’t here?”

Now his entire face was flushed, and she couldn’t stop herself from laughing at his obvious
embarrassment. “We’re just… friends.”

“Yeah, I sure tie my friends to their bed and—” She was cut off as he covered her mouth with his
hand, and she bit his palm as she tried to push him again. He was laughing as well when he let go,
and gave her the finger before whipping his hand dry on his jeans.

“I’m off med school, by the way,” she told him. “I had a friend make the call, I’m too coward to do
it myself and answer the questions. But yeah, I’m not going there anymore.”

“You don’t know how jealous I am of you now.”

“Dorian…”

He shook his head, “It’s okay, one day maybe I’ll do the same. Who knows?”

“I’ll be there for you,” she told him. It was a promise.

“Thank you, Aelin. What do you want to do now?”

She let out a nervous laugh, “I hadn’t thought about that when I asked my friend to help me drop
out, but I’ll find something. I always do.”

It felt weird to call Lorcan a friend, but after he took her in and tried to help her with the pictures…
He was her friend, just not the way Dorian and Fenrys were. And it was okay.

“I’ll be there until you find,” he said in echo to her earlier promise. “And I’ll also be there after.”

“You’re great.”

“What the hell are you two doing here? Having a party without me?” Lysandra asked as she
opened the door, hands resting on her hips. Aelin felt ready to be grounded, that was how scary
Lysandra was.

Aelin bit her lip to avoid as a smile as she said, “Join us!”

“Aelin wanted a sleepover.”

Lysandra’s eyes widened and shone with delight, “Oh, my Gods, can we have popcorn whilst
watching movies?”

Aelin gasped before almost screaming, “Yes!”

---

“Diamond castle is better than the twelve-dancing princess.”

A loud gasped echoed into the room, and the three men groaned as Aelin said, “How dare you
speak such profanities under my roof.”

“It’s mine too!” Lysandra said.

“I don’t care! No blasphemy allowed here!”

“You enjoying the dancing princess more than the masterpiece that is Diamond Castle is the real
blasphemy. Hell, the cops should arrest you for that.”

“Are you really fighting over which Barbie movie is the best?” Chaol complained, an eyebrow
raised.

Lysandra and Aelin gave each other a look before turning their offended gaze to Chaol. “Don’t you
speak Barbie’s name with such disdain.”

“Yeah,” Lysandra added. “Who gave you permission to be so offensive?”

“Men really have the audacity,” Aelin sighed and rolled her eyes.

At that moment, all three men started complaining, but she didn’t hear them over both hers and
Lysandra’s laughs. She and Lysandra fought for the controller, both of them wishing for a very
different princess movie, but in the end it’s Dorian that grabbed the controller. Both girls were
extremely disappointed as they ended up watching a movie about war. Hell, even Diamond Castle
was better than this.

At least, the popcorn was right there to help her feel better. There were two bowls, one on Aedion’s
lap and on between Chaol and Dorian. Lysandra, Aedion and Aelin were all laying on blankets and
pillows on the floor, Aelin’s head resting on her cousin’s shoulder and Lysandra was laying on his
opposite side. Behind them, Dorian and Chaol were sharing a couch.

She was enjoying her time, if she was being honest. It would be better without the knowledge that
she would break into sobs the moment she would be alone in her room. Maybe she would be selfish
and ask Aedion to spend the night with her, they needed to have a serious talk, anyway.

But… Things between him and Lysandra were still unsaid, and she knew her cousin was only
waiting for Lysandra’s green flag to start calling her his girlfriend. But… They spent all their free
time together; Aelin could request one night with her cousin. He wouldn’t deny her, but what if he
only accepted because she was his cousin? What if he just wished to be with Lysandra instead?

The wheels turning in her mind were so loud she almost didn’t hear the frantic knocks on the door
that had everyone’s head turn to the side. Lysandra groaned as Dorian stood, “I swear, if it’s the
neighbor again…”

Everyone’s attention turned back to the movie, but Aelin kept her eyes on Dorian. She almost saw
his back stiffening, his hand clenching on the doorknob as he talked to whoever was behind the
door. He shook his head, and she only heard because she was focusing on him: “No. Aelin’s not
here.”

Who could he be talking to? She looked at her cousin for a second but he was focused on his
movie. Why was Dorian lying? It was Dorian who had the energy of a golden retriever. She stood
and went behind Dorian, thanking herself for thinking of putting on a robe over her nightgown. But
when she saw who Dorian was talking with her stomach sank. She thought she was getting sick for
a second, her mind numbing.

“What are you doing here?” She breathed, voice barely audible.

Rowan’s green pine eyes turned to hers, and fear seized her as she saw all the panic and worry in
his eyes. “Aelin,” Dorian’s stopped her. “It’s okay, I’m dealing with it.”

Rowan ignored him, “I need a word, it won’t be long.”

Dorian’s voice was unusually cold as he told Rowan, “I’m sorry Dr. Whitethorn, but you are not
welcome here. Please, leave.”

Why the hell was he so cold? Why had he lied? Why was Rowan so worried? Her brain was
fuming, her breaths too short. “Dor, it’s okay. I’ll just have a word with Doc—”

“Aelin, I know,” he whispered, and her eyes widened. “You were having a good evening, don’t let
him drag you into a mess again. I’ll deal with it, okay?”

“How?”

“Doesn’t matter.”

“Aelin,” Rowan interrupted. “It’s urgent.”

Oh, Gods. The worst of scenario came into her mind. If Rowan reacted that way, it could only be
for one reason… Helia. She nodded, laying a hand on Dorian’s shoulder before turning her head to
check if no one had been watching them. Thankfully they were all engrossed in Dorian’s shitty
movie. “I’ll be back in one second.”

She didn’t let him protest as she passed by him and closed the front door behind her, leaving her
alone with Rowan in the hall. She didn’t wonder about the fact that Dorian knew her secret, didn’t
wonder about how long he must have known and if other people knew as well… “Is Helia okay?”
She asked, breathless and worry already in her veins.

He nodded, “Yes, she is. At Fenrys’. It’s not about her, Aelin, it’s about us.”

Suddenly, breathing was easier. She let out a long breath, her brain still numb as she closed her
eyes. That had been too much worry, too much in such a short period of time.

“I don’t want to talk about us, Rowan.”

“Maybe you will want to talk about the pictures your father received, then.”

Her eyes opened, and again, discomfort seized her. “What do you mean?”

She had a lot of thoughts about that, about how her privacy had been violated and how unsafe she
felt. But she didn’t want to share them and knowing Rowan she thought he wouldn’t want to share
his either. Even less knock on her door at almost midnight to demand a chat with her.

“Lorcan traced the IP address of who sent that email. They didn’t do it through a burner phone like
with the texts I got.”

“Okay,” she nodded. “Where, then?”

He looked away for a second before saying, “Here. The IP led him to your building.”

She shook her head, not fully grasping what he meant. “Then there’s a mistake.”

He reached for her hand, but she pulled back, he closed his eyes for an instant before telling her
there was no mistake.

Her mouth opened but closed in incomprehension, “What do you mean then? D-Do you think I
sent that?” How could he? After everything…

“What?” He gasped. “No, fuck, no. Fireheart, you’re not the one I’m accusing.”
Her brow furrowed “Then who?”

He let out a long breath, his hands shaking. It was hard to not reach out for his touch, but this
conversation was too much, she needed to keep her sanity and keep away from him. “Think, Aelin.
Who, in that apartment would want you to be single? To ruin you and not the guy in the wrong in
the relationship? Think, Aelin, about the man you didn’t even like until recently.”

Her eyes burned as she shook her head, refusing to even think about it. “Chaol is my friend, now.
He wouldn’t…”

“He wouldn’t what, betray your trust? He already did, Aelin.”

“B-but we think the ‘they’ in the email means me and Celaena… Chaol doesn’t know about her. I-
it doesn’t make sense.”

His eyes turned sympathetic, he almost made move to reach for her but stopped his hand before he
could touch her. “You started dating him a month after she passed, Fireheart. He must have heard
of her in passing, must have seen pictures… I don’t know. But think about it, it makes sense.”

The more he talked, and the more it actually made sense. So much that Aelin’s entire body started
shaking, not in confusion or sadness. No, those emotions were buried deep under her anger now.

He had been angry when he learned she had a new boyfriend, and he was always around doing
nothing… He didn’t have a job, but still was away most of the days.

She looked at Rowan, and he must have seen something in her eyes. He shot for her hand as she
shot for the door, Aelin faster than him. She opened the door in a loud bang, starling everyone in
the room.

“Aelin!” Lysandra squealed. Then, more confused, “Pr-professor Whitethorn? What the hell?”

“Who the hell’s that?” Aedion ask, standing up.

But Aelin didn’t listen, didn’t listen as Rowan tried to call her name. She grabbed the vase of
flower on the small table in the entryway and threw it at Chaol’s face, so blind in rage she didn’t
flinch as he was splashed in water and the vase fell first on the couch then on the floor where it
shattered. Lysandra screamed as she received small pieces of glass near her, and Aedion helped her
stand up.

“I’m going to fucking kill you,” she hissed, but before she could throw herself at Chaol, Rowan
grabbed her around the waist. “Let me fucking go!”

“There was a fucking kid on those pictures, you creep!” She yelled at Chaol, her entire body
shaking. She tried to get free from Rowan’s hold, but he was stronger than she was. “A kid! You’re
a freak, and I’m going to ruin your entire life you sick bas—”

“What the hell are you talking about!” He screamed.

“Aelin,” Dorian said, standing in between her and his friend. “Calm down, what is wrong?”

“Get out of here,” she hissed, not in the mood to do anything but claw Chaol’s face out. She wanted
to do it slowly, in the most painful of ways. “Did you have fun stalking us? Huh? I swear to the
Gods…”

Aedion, a hand behind him as if to protect Lysandra, turned to Chaol. His voice, like cold death, he
asked, “What is she talking about?”

Chaol’s eyes were wide, “I have no idea, she’s fucking crazy!”

Again, Aelin tried to lunge for the bastard but Rowan held her back. As Aedion hissed at Chaol to
not call Aelin names, she turned to Rowan, “What the fuck are you doing, let me go.”

“You think I don’t want his head?” He hissed back. “But I’m also not letting you spend the night in
jail for assault.”

“I don’t care!”

“I do!” He yelled back, silencing everyone.

“What is he doing here, Aelin?” Lysandra asked, her face portraying all the confusion that must
run through her veins.

“Not now, Lys,” Dorian told her. “Aelin, please calm down and let’s talk calmly.”

Chaol touched the side of his cheek, where a little bit of blood came out from a small cut made by
a thorn. “That crazy bitch doesn’t kno--.”

It happened too fast for Aelin to register it. The arms around her waist disappeared, and the next
time she opened her eyes, Rowan was punching Chaol in the jaw. Her ex-boyfriend fell to the floor
as she and Lysandra gasped loudly, and as Rowan went to sit on him and hit him again, Dorian and
Aedion pushed him away, holding him by the shoulders to avoid Chaol another punch.

She felt powerless, unable to do anything. Chaol was sitting, sitting out blood from his mouth. She
could go there; she could hit him and finish Rowan’s job. He’d help her get away with under if she
wanted to go as far as that, she knew that in her bones. But instead, she did nothing but glare.
“Whoever the fuck you are,” Aedion hissed at Rowan, “You calm the fuck down.”

She didn’t hear his answer as she asked, “Why? What did I do to you that deserved that?”

His voice full of anger, he said, “I don’t know what you’re talking about, but you’re a psycho, so
whoever hurt you that way did it because you deserved it.”

She threw her phone at his face, before going to slap him. She pushed him again, until his back hit
the wall. She was blind in rage, couldn’t feel anything else but her anger. Someone wrapped an
arm around her shoulders, pulling her away from him. Why is everyone’s problem? Wasn’t she
allowed to punch assholes anymore?

“Let go, Fireheart,” the voice of the man she loved the most whispered into her ear. She shook her
head. She didn’t know what else to do than express her rage. Had no idea of what to do with
herself.

“At least admit it,” she said. “At least have the honor of admiring it.”

“Admitting what?” he hissed.

She pushed Rowan away, standing in front of Chaol. He didn’t seem to want to admit it. “I cannot
believe I gave you my trust again, even after what you did earlier this year. You’re just a fucking
dick, you don’t deserve shit, and I’ll make sure that your life and everyone else in your family’s
lives will be ruined.”
One word from her father and his could lose his job. She didn’t care about the ethic of it now,
didn’t care that he didn’t speak to his dad anymore and it would only get him angrier at him.

“I. Have. No. Idea. What. You’re. Talking. About.”

“Aelin,” Rowan said, almost softly. But his voice couldn’t be described as soft, not with the edge to
his tone. “Let go.”

She spun to face him, “What the hell do you want me to do, Rowan? Let him go? After he stalked
us and your daughter? After he got you fired?”

“No,” Rowan grilled through his teeth. “We’re going to go the police, and I’ll think they’re going
to be very interested by the cameras in your room.”

“The what?” She asked, full of confusion.

His eyes turned sorry as he answered, “There were pictures of you and me, taken by a hidden
camera in your room.” She hadn’t seen all pictures, not as Rowan had quickly scrolled down to
check if there weren’t explicit videos of her. “The same as they will be very interested in the
microphones I’ve found in my offices.” So, that was how the records had ended in the email… She
hadn’t focused on that the day before, if only for her own sanity.

“You think I did that?”

“Of course, you did!” she yelled.

He laughed then, confusing her. “If you want to talk about cameras, why don’t you ask your dear
friend?” He asked, pointing out to his left.

To Lysandra.

Her eyes widened, lips parting as she shook her head. “I-I have no ideas what he’s talking about.
What the hell?”

“Don’t accuse her,” Aelin sneered.

“I’m not,” he answered. “I’m just telling you, ask her what she was doing in your room two months
ago with cameras in her hands. She told me it was Aedion who asked her to do that, because he
didn’t trust you.”

“What?” Aedion sneered.

“You’re such a liar!” Lys added. “I would never do that.”

“Lys…” Aelin breathed. It couldn’t be her, it couldn’t.

Her friend rushed to her side, taking her hands. “Aelin, please. I’m your friend, you know that,
right? I could never record you, film you or even follow you to the Southern Continent, I’m your
—”

She stopped herself as she saw Aelin’s face fall, as her gut sank. Lysandra’s face went from one of
guilt to a normal face, as if nothing was happening. “Ah, talked too much, didn’t I?”

Aelin hadn’t mentioned the pictures on the Southern Continent, not here at least. Lysandra let go
of her hands and shrugged, “Well, I guess it was bound to happen at one point.”
Aelin took a step back, speechless as her back hit Rowan’s chest. She shook her head, unable to
even consider what was happening. “What are you saying?” Aedion asked, voice weaker than
before.

Aedion, oh, Gods. She didn’t believe in them, and yet she still sent a prayer. Because her cousin
always fell hard for the people he cared for, and because he had bene hung over Lysandra for
almost as long as Aelin had been with Rowan… “She’s saying that she stalked your cousin for
months.” Rowan supplied an answer when Aelin came up short. “That she recorded private
moments, including ones with a child. And then, she sent them all to Aelin’s father. Am I wrong,
Lysandra?”

“What?” Aedion breathed, arms falling to his side.

“Tell me he’s lying,” Dorian added, his head shaking, too. “Tell me he’s wrong.”

“Well, he kind of is,” she shrugged, giving a smile to Dorian. “I didn’t take the pictures personally,
that’s a bit too much word if you ask me, and I had my alibi right there,” she nodded toward
Aedion. “Plus, who in their right mind would go to the Southern Continent? Skin cancer is a real
thing, I promise.”

Aelin was still angry, but she was feeling more than that now. She was feeling betrayed, sad, and
humiliated. An angry ex… It could make sense. But a friend?

“Why?” Aelin asked, voice breaking. Rowan wrapped his arms around her, as if to keep her
upright.

She crossed her arms and shrugged again, as if it meant nothing. “I told you weeks ago, Aelin. In
life, you must be selfish and do what’s best for you, no matter how much it affects the people
around.”

She had told her that, weeks ago on their girl’s day. Aelin had taken it as an advice on her
relationship with Rowan, and that was the way Lysandra had said it but it had been a confession all
along.

Aelin shook her head, “You’re lying it doesn’t make sense. Why would you do that?”

“Aelin Galathynius and her tears,” Lysandra mocked. “Gods, you’ve been making me sick since
high school.”

Her brain stopped, her lips parting. “Since what?”

Lysandra cocked her head to the side, brows furrowing. “You really don’t remember me, do you?”

“I didn’t know you before January,” Aelin said. That was true, they’d met in a lecture hall. Aelin
had felt so happy that day, had felt relieved for making a friend back then.

She snorted, “Sure, if we forget those high school years you avoid talking about.”

“No,” she breathed. “You’re kidding.”

“I wish I was, would have avoided me years of therapy.”

“I’d recommend asking for a reimbursement,” Rowan added lowly.

“He’s a funny one,” Lysandra said. “You deserve better than her.”
“And you deserve a broken nose.”

She snorted, “Well, maybe. But Aelin didn’t deserve any of the nice things that happened to her.”

“Excuse me?” Aelin hissed. What was her problem?

“Oh, come on. Life is so easy with you. You watched your sister bully people, bully me in high
school, and yet the two of you walked through the hall as if you owned the school.”

She knew about Celaena. She knew about Celaena…

Oh, Gods. Aelin remembered now. Lysandra had been in their high school, had been Celaena’s
rivals in most of the scientific subjects… And yes, Celaena hadn’t liked her, there had always been
tensions between them.

“Leana never bullied you,” Aelin jumped at the defense of her sister, she would always. “She gave
you shits as much as you did.”

Yes, Celaena hadn’t been the nicest back in the day, but she remembered instances where Lysandre
went out of her way to lower Celaena’s grades as well.

Lysandra snorted, “Come on, Aelin. When the popular girl annoys someone, what do you think all
her minions do? And you never said anything, never spared me a look. Even when she did it right
in front of you. Life always comes so easy to you; you couldn’t be empathic for one second.”

“Easy?” She sneered, “Are you fucking joking? Do you even know—”

“That she died? Yes, I do. I was there that night, tried to stop you from jumping in the pool, but you
didn’t listen.”

“What.” Aedion demanded, but Lysandra didn’t spare him a look.

Aelin couldn’t remember faces, but… A girl had tried to stop her, and she had pushed her away. Of
course, she had.

“And you call that easy?”

She huffed a laugh, “Come on. You had all your fan club around you, everyone went out of their
way to show you support. Your parents were right there. Did you know that nobody came to my
parents’ funerals two months later? No one. And then I ended up alone, in a foster home in another
country. But you… Your sister died and then everyone showered you in love, you went to college
without having to worry about anything. You got a boyfriend, and when he disappointed you, you
ran to your next boyfriend who happened to be your professor. You barely worked and yet got all
the amazing grades, but hey, no amount of work compared to fucking the one that grades us,
right?”

Aelin didn’t have it in herself to answer the jab, but she vaguely heard Dorian answer something in
a harsh tone. Rowan was saying something in her ear, but she didn’t listen. She looked at her
cousin, he was sitting on the couch, staring into the void. His eyes were lined with silver, and Aelin
hated how this was the thing that made her want to fight.

Not for her hurts but for someone else’s.

“You said you didn’t take the pictures,” Aelin said. “Who did?”
“I don’t know,” Lysandra said. “Some random private that he hired. I was just told to send the texts
and emails.”

“He?” Rowan asked.

Her smile turned cocky then, “Ah, the million-dollar question. I don’t know, do you deserve that
answer?”

“You put those cameras in Aelin’s room?” Aedion asked, as if he stayed stuck on that part of the
story.

She rolled her eyes, “Of course. I did have to work a little.”

“Without asking for her consent.”

“Wouldn’t be fun otherwise, would it?”

“Then answer the Goddamn question, or your life will be ruined the moment this conversation is
done. You just admitted to a felony.”

She snorted, “To which police officer?”

He nodded to Dorian, who had his phone in his hand and smiled at Lysandra. “It’s good for people
who enjoy replay.”

She shook her head, “It’s not admissible in court.”

“But it’s enough to start an investigation.”

She lost her smile then and weighted her options. Aelin didn’t say anything, instead she sank
deeper into Rowan’s arms as if she could disappear. She wished she could, wished it was a
nightmare.

“My foster father,” Lysandra said. “He had something to settle with your mommy.”

Aelin frowned, “Who?”

“Oh, you know him! Arobynn Hamel, rings any bells? A total asshole if you ask me, I hate the guy
but hey, he gave me an offer I couldn’t refuse.”

She must have misheard, because she couldn’t have just said…

“What the fuck!” Dorian said.

“The one who drugged Aelin?”

It was the night of the first picture, when her drink had been spiked. “I only looked away because
you arrived,” Aelin breathed. “You helped him drug me?”

“Oopsie.”

Aelin gasped, Rowan tightening his arms around her as she felt her knees giving in. “You were
going to help him sexually assault her?” He sneered.

Lysandra’s eyes widened, and she genuinely looked shocked, “Who the hell talked about sexual
assault?”
“That’s usually what date-rape drugs are used for,” Aedion growled.

She rolled her eyes, “You’re all so dramatic. We just wanted information about her mother, at the
beginning you were just a ploy. At least, until you got Arobynn fired. Then, who cared about the
married women he had had an affair with? It was your head he wanted.”

An affair.

Oh, fucking Gods. A tear escaped her as Lysandra kept talking, kept detailing how Arobynn and
her mother had had an affair for years, one that had ended less than a year ago. How both he and
her mother stole money from the hospital, and how Arobynn sent a tip to the accountant of the
hospital about it on the night of the dinner to get her fired as well.

“Wait,” Dorian breathed. “You sent me after Arobynn at Aelin’s parents’ house. Why?”

She shrugged, “Like I said, he’s a total asshole. Plus, if it wasn’t you, he would have done it,” she
said, eyes on Rowan. “And I wasn’t quite done playing with Aelin, so I couldn’t have their secret
blow up just then, could I?”

“You’re a monster,” Aelin breathed, voice shaking.

She rolled her eyes, “You’re pathetic.”

Aelin pulled away from Rowan’s hold, walking to Lysandra and stopped in front of the woman she
had believed was her friend. “How did it feel? To get revenge? Was it worth the years you spent
hating me when I didn’t even know your name? This is going to be the highlight of your miserable
life, so I hope you enjoyed.”

Lysandra grinned, “I did. I also enjoyed toying with that pathetic cousin of yours, waiting like a
dog for me to make the first move.”

“Good,” Aelin nodded, and took a deep breath. She didn’t even try to stop herself as her hand hit
Lysandra’s cheek loud enough to echo through the room. The brunette’s eyes turned offended, and
he was holding her cheek. “That’s for me.”

Then, Aelin slapped the other cheek. Harder. “That’s for my cousin.”

As she gasped, Aelin grabbed her hair and pushed her onto the dinner table, Lysandra letting out a
grunt. “That’s for involving Rowan and Helia.”

Lysandra’s laugh was sour, but she didn’t try to physically fight back. “I hope you’ll enjoy playing
house with that girl for a while, at least until you can.”

“Get the fuck out of here,” Rowan sneered. He looked in such pain now… And she knew him.
Knew he wasn’t a violent man, had refused to be years ago. And yet… Yet he punched Chaol
when he insulted her. But he couldn’t now, couldn’t do anything against a woman. His values
made him unable to act.

“It’s my home, Whitethorn.”

“No, it’s not,” Dorian said, his voice hurt as well. He had known Lysandra since university, and if
he had known she was that way… Gods, he must feel so hurt as well. Chaol was behind him,
watching the scene with his eyes wide. Fuck, she and Rowan had hit the wrong guy. “You’re not
welcome here. You deserve every moment of loneliness you’ll get.”
 She looked at the room and huffed a laugh, “Sure, I have no more time to waste with you anyway.
Both as pathetic as the other,” she added, looking between Aelin and Dorian.

Aelin didn’t look away as Lysandra walked out of the apartment as if she had won a battle, and
when she looked at everyone’s face, maybe she had.

Aedion sat on the couch, looking worse than death. Maybe she should call her uncle, she wasn’t
enough to deal with that.

“Sorry for hitting you,” she told Chaol, her voice barely louder than a whisper. “I need to lay
down.”

“I’m not sorry,” Rowan added, following Aelin. She would have smiled if it was any other day.
She didn’t pay attention to what the others were doing, instead going for her room.

But, before she could get in, Aedion called her name. She turned to face him, and tears were rolling
down her eyes. “I’m sorry, Lin. I should have seen something, should have protect you.”

“She fooled everyone,” Dorian said, “It’s not on you. It’s on her and Arobynn only.”

“He’s saying the truth, Aed. I’m not mad at you. I’m sorry.” He knew why she was apologizing,
for what Lysandra had done. For introducing them. He shrugged, pretending to be okay. But he
wasn’t. She wasn’t either.

Rowan wrapped a hand around her shoulder, pulling her into her room and closed the door behind
them. She had thought she would break down the moment the door closed, but she felt too empty
for that.

“Why are you staying?” She asked.

“Because I’m scared for you. Because I love you.”

She couldn’t answer, couldn’t say anything. When she looked at him he must have seen how
hollow her eyes were, “What are we going to do about that?”

“For tonight, you will rest. Then tomorrow we will handle it, okay?”

She didn’t have the energy to fight him on that, so she nodded. He took her hand and guided her to
the bed, laid her beside him. He respected her space, didn’t stay too close to her. But close enough
for her to feel his warmth.

She heard Aedion leave, and then heard Dorian and Chaol go to be. Minutes later, Rowan’s
breathing settled into a rhythm, telling her he was asleep. But she couldn’t find sleep, couldn’t find
any sense of peace as her mind kept working.

Slowly and carefully as to not wake Rowan up, Aelin got out of bed. She didn’t grab anything other
than her handbag as she drove to the airport, and she couldn’t even find it in herself to smile as she
asked for a plane ticket in direction of Terrasen.

Chapter End Notes

I'm sorry and I'm running very far away.....
don't hesitate to come and yet at me on my tumblr @rowanaelinn
 Chapter 44

For a short moment, as the taxi parked in front of the house she had called home for years, Aelin
thought about backing down. She could, after all. She could just take a flight back to Doranelle and
pretend as if she hadn’t run away under all the pressure. But she seized whatever strength she still
had, amazed to find some, and she walked inside the house.

It was less modern than the one her parents owned in Doranelle, and for a second she wondered
why they hadn’t sold this one. She knew housekeepers came a few times a month to take care of it,
but she didn’t know why her parents still bothered with it.

She didn’t complain about it, not as she slowly walked into each room, trying to find a piece of
herself she might have left the last time she’d been there. Even while studying in university less
than an hour away, Aelin hadn’t come here since the day they moved, only two weeks after her
sister died.

She ignored the outside part of the house, ignored the now empty pool. That house had been a
dream to live in as a teenager, if only for all the parties they used to throw. But when it was only
the two of them it felt lonely. The house was too big for two people, too lifeless.

She was exhausted, and yet it was as if she couldn’t stop herself from walking into any room and
digging up memories. As if she was purposefully hurting her mind. Well, that had been the plan,
hadn’t it? She couldn’t feel anything other than the deep emptiness inside her, even as her mind
was screaming the need to feel something. She just… couldn’t.

Even now, even as she opened a window to watch outside. Even as she stared at that one corner of
the pool. The emptiness only kept growing. Exhaustion had her walk up the stairs, and instead of
turning left in the room she knew was hers, she turned right.

All of her things were still where she left them, though the room was much less messy than she had
been. She barely had enough energy to put on sheets on the bed before she fell in it, the mattress
hard under her back, and she fell asleep.

She was vaguely aware of waking up again a few hours later, of how restless she still felt. She was
aware of how impossible it was to move. So, she waited. She laid in bed and did nothing, only
stared at the wall and waited for sleep to catch her up again.

She didn’t know for how long that cycle went on, how many times she woke up only to feel as
hollow as she did when she fell asleep and didn’t move from the bed until she managed to fall back
into Morpheus’ arms.

She wished she could cry or scream. She wished she could do anything else than stare at a wall, but
it took too much energy. Energy that she didn’t have.

The last years had drained her, but the last couple of weeks had taken away anything she still had.
There were too many things to be upset about. Her infertility, her mother’s slap, Gavriel’s betrayal,
Rowan’s betrayal, the conflicted feelings around her father, Lysandra’s betrayal, her mother’s
affair. Or just her mother entire existence, and how much she had hurt Aelin in all those years.

That was too much. Too much when she had spent her life ignoring problems instead of finding a
way to solve them.

Maybe it was why she couldn’t feel upset, because there was too much. She maybe had to choose
one thing to focus on and start from there. But again, that seemed like too much effort.

Her mouth felt try, and she grabbed the bottle of water she had brought upstairs with her then took
a couple of sips, before sleep claimed her again.

Time flew past slowly, or quickly. She wasn’t entirely sure. But the cycle kept going, and if at the
beginning her mind had tried to fight against it with questions, it had fully accepted it now.

She almost thought she was dreaming as she heard knocks on the door, tearing her out of the
restless sleep she’d been deep in. Well, maybe not too deep if she had been woken up so easily.
The door creaked as it opened, letting in light that hurt her eyes.

“Fireheart?”

She had to dream, because Rowan Whitethorn couldn’t be entering Celaena’s room, he couldn’t be
closing the door behind him and come to sit on the bed beside her. He couldn’t be passing a hand
through her hair.

“Am I dreaming?” she asked, her voice broken. She hadn’t said a word since she left the taxi, and
she had no idea how long it had been since.

She couldn’t see his face, the room was plunged into the dark. “No, you’re not, baby.”

She shifted, still laying on her side. “What are you doing here?”

He laid beside her, tucking a strand of her hair behind her ear, “Checking up on you.”

“But I’m in Terrasen.”

Thousands of miles from where he lived. He huffed a laugh, “You are. Usually I’m the one to
flight while you fight, but I guess we can switch roles sometimes.”

She frowned, laying more under her blanket. “I’m tired.”

“It’s midday,” he said.

“Of which day?”

“How long have you been laying here?”

She felt his body tense against hers, and he laid a weak kiss on her forehead, “It’s okay, Fireheart.”

Well, that wasn’t an answer, but she was too exhausted to comment on it. She closed her eyes and
tried to reach that place of rest once more. “I’m tired.”

“Hey,” he breathed. “Don’t fall asleep on me, baby.”

“Please,” she mumbled, and if she had enough energy, she would curse her stomach for grumbling
now. “I’m exhausted.”

“You’re hungry, Aelin.”

“Am not.”

She felt a shaky hand pass over her cheek, his warm fingertips caressing her skin. He wrapped an
arm around her and leaned in to kiss her forehead, tucking her close to him. “It’s okay,” he
repeated. “I’m here now.”

She wasn’t sure what he meant, but sleep caught her once more and this time she was tucked into
Rowan’s warmth.

“Is she sleeping?”

“Yeah,” a man whispered from behind her, his breath tickling her ear. “I think she’s been for more
than two days. I’m not even sure that she ate at all.”

“Are you worried?”

The man from behind her answered to the one he was speaking to, “I have no idea what to do to
help her this time. I’m truly at loss.”

She didn’t mean to, she wanted to go back to sleep, but her body twitched against the man. He
passed a hand through her hair, and as she opened her eyes it wasn’t hard to see Rowan standing
over her, his eyes analyzing every inch of her face, probably making sure that she was alright.
“Hey, Fireheart.”

She shook her head, pressing her face against the pillow. It was too soon to wake up, too early to be
talked to. “Baby?” He asked, a hand in her hair. Again, she shook her head.

“I’m tired,” she said, even if it sounded more like mumbling.

“But you’ve just slept for—”

“I’ve got this, Aedion,” Rowan said, and Aelin should have recognized her cousin’s voice. Truth
was, at the moment she wasn’t sure she could do much. Even the idea of standing up was too
much.

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, I am.”

“Alright,” her cousin sighed, “I’ll make us something to eat.”

“Thank you,” Rowan thanked him and then her cousin closed the door, and then they were finally
left in the dark again, just what she wanted. Now, she would finally be able to give her body what it
begged for: more rest.

She barely felt Rowan’s body moving from the bed, but she did feel the arms slipping under her
body. She yelped as she was lifted from her bed and didn’t have the energy to wrap her arms
around his neck, instead she prayed that he wouldn’t let her fall.

Her head was shaking, “Please, Rowan, I’m tired.”

“No, Aelin,” he said, with an edge to his voice she couldn’t identify. He switched the light on, and
she shut her eyes closed at how bright the light was. “You’ll sleep in a few hours, I promise. But
for now, let’s take a shower, alright?”

“I can’t stand,” she told him, and she had no care for a goddamn shower.

But Rowan only answered, “I’ve got you.”

She didn’t know what he meant by it, but she didn’t fight him. Even if she wanted to, it felt like too
much effort for nothing. Rowan pushed the door to the bathroom open and once more the light
assaulted her eyes. She hid her face in his neck, maybe then she would be protected from the
outside world.

She felt his hands squeeze their hold onto her skin, and he sat her on the closed toilet. “Hey, baby,
look at me,” he said with his soft voice, making her notice that her eyes were indeed closed.

She opened her eyes, and it was surprised to find her vision was blurry, clouded with tears. Well, at
least her body had enough energy for that. She didn’t know what she looked like, but she knew that
Rowans look as he watched her closely was devastating. It was as if she could see his heart
breaking.

“When was the last time you left your bed?” He asked, with no judgement in his voice. And her
lack of answer was answer enough, she hadn’t since she arrived here. “Not even to pee?” She
shook her head, and he closed his eyes as a curse escaped his lips. “Fuck, Aelin, you risk a kidney
infection, those things are serious.”

“It’s not been that long,” she said, voice deep and uneven.

“It’s been almost three days, Aelin.”

“Oh.”

That was it. Oh. Because was else was there to say?

“Alright,” he sighed, and then he was looking in the drawers for something. She heard plastic
ripping, and then water running for a few short seconds. Then, Rowan was kneeling in front of her,
a hand on her thigh and the other was holding a toothbrush with toothpaste on it. “Open up,
princess.”

She shook her head, but he asked again. It was humiliating to have someone brush her teeth, to
know that someone had broken her so thoughtfully that she needed such help. But she yielded
when his eyes captured her, the request and the lack of judgment was evident.

He brushed her teeth with far more gentleness she could have imagined, his free hand holding her
chin down gently, with his pinky finger brushing over her neck repeatedly.

“Why are you doing this? I broke up with you, didn’t I?”

“You did, but then good for you, you weren’t just my girlfriend. You were my best friend, and I
will always care for you no matter how much you push me away.”

She avoided his gaze, staring at the wall with her eyes burning, lips quivering. Rowan pulled back
and angled her head over the sink, and she spat there. “You don’t have to hold it back, you know,”
he said. “Your pain, you don’t have to keep it in. It’s probably why you are so exhausted. It’s okay
to let it go, it’s okay to let yourself weaken.”

“That’s the problem,” she answered. “That’s what I always do. I weaken.”

“You’re not weak,” he said, “You are the furthest thing from weak, but is that how you feel?”

She swallowed, finally looking at him. His eyes allowed her a glimpse in his pain. “I feel
nameless.”

His brows furrowed, and he let go of the toothbrush. “What does that mean?”
“Who am I, Rowan?” She asked, voice shaking, eyes burning more. “If anyone had to speak of me
to someone who doesn’t me, how do you think they would describe me? I have accomplished
nothing; I am nothing of my own.” A tear escaped her eye. “I’d be described as the Chief’s
daughter, Evalin’s troubled daughter. I’d also be Celaena’s sister, or your girlfriend or whatever I
am to Helia. I’m nothing myself, I’m only someone else’s something.”

“Aelin…”

“It’s the price I pay for loving people beyond reason, and I regret that,” she told him, not really
caring about how it would sound. “I got stalked Rowan, and it had nothing to do with me. I paid for
my sister and my mother’s fucking mistakes. It’s how insignificant I am, Rowan. Even the people
who wish me bad things do it because of how related I am to other people.”

“You’re so much more than that,” he said, voice barely louder than a whisper.

“Yeah?” she asked. “Then tell me, because I can’t see it, and it’s either feeling like a failure or not
feeling anything at all, and I have no idea which one is worse.”

“Aelin, baby, look at me,” he cupped her cheeks. “The way you love people is one of the things I
love the most about you, I love it.”

“And I hate it,” she sobbed. “I hate it, Rowan. I hate it, and I hate myself, and I want to hate
anyone that I love because maybe then it would be easier to find myself.”

“Aelin, it’s been a rough few weeks for you…”

“No, tell me. Tell me what you love about me that doesn’t concern anyone else, that is only me.”

“You’re hilarious, and incredibly pretty. Forget that, you are magnificent. You work hard and you
are humble, you—”

“Those are all subjective things,” she cut in. “Those aren’t facts, they aren’t achievements.
Someone else could disagree with you.”

“Whatever I say,” he said, his voice almost sounding hurt. “You are going to disagree with because
of how much you hate yourself. I could say you hung the moon in the sky, and you still wouldn’t
think it’s enough.”

She tore her gaze away from him, not wishing to process what he had told her. He sighed and got
up, kissing her forehead as he did so. And the gesture warmed her so much, made her feel so much
at ease, that she dared asking, “Will you kiss me?”

He looked down at her and leaned in to press his lips against her, though not where she wanted
him. Instead, he kissed her cheek. “Not here,” she breathed.

“Where?”

“On my lips?”

He had her chin in between his fingers, softly stocking her skin as he looked at her sadly, “I am
dying to.”

“Then do it.”

He shook his head, “You still haven’t forgiven me, I haven’t worked for that forgiveness yet. This
situation doesn’t change what I did, and I won’t take advantage of it.”

“I hate your honor.”

“Yes, well, put that on the long list of the things you hate, princess. Now, let’s give you a shower.”
He said, hands wrapping around the hem of her shirt, eyes asking if it was okay to take it off.

She frowned at him, “So, I don’t get a kiss, but you get to see me naked? How is that fair?”

He chuckled then, the happiest sound he made since he entered Celaena’s room. “Glad to see you
found the energy to bring your sass back.” He kissed the top of her nose then and asked her to lift
her arms so he could take off the shirt.

She insisted she could shower herself, but when he told her to stand up and her knees nearly
buckled it ruined her credibility. Apparently, she had enough energy for sass but not enough to
stand up. How ridiculous she was. But Rowan didn’t seem to care, or he was a master at hiding it.
When he told her to pee, she refused. They ahd shared a lot, but she wouldn’t do that in front of her.
He reminded her that he worked with brans every day, so he could handle a little bit of pee.

At the end, they compromised. Rowan got to stay in the room to make sure she didn’t fall and
break her skull on the skin counter, but he had to face the wall and sing. Loudly.

It almost made her laugh; it would have any other day.

“It’s humiliating,” she sighed as Rowan put her into the bath, warming up water. “I feel like a
child, or like an old lady.”

“Let me love you,” he whispered. “Rest and let me take care of you, Aelin.”

She wrapped her arms around her legs, letting her head rest on her lifted knees and closed her eyes.
She wasn’t sure she deserved to be dotted on, if she deserved everything, he gave her, but she was
selfish enough to take it. Even after everything she told him, of how she hated him. Did he believe
her? Did she hurt him?

Too soon, Rowan was done washing her. He wrapped a warm towel around her body, and he left
the room for one minute only to come back with clothes. Her clothes, but not the ones she had left
there when she moved at fifteen.

Those were the clothes she had left at his house. He had packed them to bring them here.

---

Rowan didn’t let her climb down the stairs by herself. Again, had she been feeling less tired, she
might have protested. But she didn’t, and let him hold her in a piggyback.

Her head rested on his shoulder as he guided them to the kitchen, and Aelin’s heart filled itself and
her eyes burned with tears as she saw her cousin’s back as he was cooking something, with Helia
Whitethorn sitting on his shoulders, a soft music playing in the background.

“Aelin!” The toddler screamed as she heard them enter the room. Her eyes were wide, and Aelin
was welcomed by the most beautiful smile in the world.

She hated herself for it, but Aelin hid her face in Rowan’s neck as tears escaped her. She didn’t
want Helia to see her cry, didn’t want to see Helia and cry. But she was so pure, so full of love and
attention.
She screamed Aelin’s name as if she had hung up the moon, and Aelin had only brought chaos in
her life. She should walk away, rip the band aid and hurt them both if only to make sure Aelin
wouldn’t hurt her more in the long run.

That would the right choice to make, the selfless one.

“Have I done something?” Helia’s wobbling voice asked, as if she was crying as well.

Amazing. Aelin had done that, too. Rowan’s thumbs stroked her thighs where he held her, as if
reassuring her that she hadn’t done anything wrong, but she had, hadn’t she?

She took a deep breath, counting to ten in her head until she released that breath. She couldn’t
break down now. Apparently, she couldn’t hold back a few tears, but she couldn’t let it go further.
Not now. She hadn’t birthed the girl, but she’d allowed her to get attached to her and now she had
to hold it together for her.

“You haven’t done anything,” Aedion said. “Aelin is just tired, isn’t she?”

He was giving her a chance to pretend, and she would be a fool to not seize it. She took another
deep breath and the weight on her chest eased a little when Rowan’s squeezed her thigh, an
encouragement.

She looked up at the little girl, her tiny bottom lip quivering and her eyes wide. “Aedion’s right,
Lia. I’m just tired.”

“Promise?”

Aelin squeezed her legs around Rowan’s waist, asking him to lower her down. He did, and Aelin’s
gathered all her energy in walking toward her cousin, holding her arms out for Helia. Aedion
lowered himself, letting Aelin catch Helia under her armpits and hold her into her arms. As if
knowing it was a little too much for her, Rowan pulled out of the chairs and Aelin sat on it,
hugging Helia close.

The girl’s scent of pine and candy apple warmed Aelin’s heart, and she slowly passed her hand
over her silvery curls.

Helia pulled back, still sitting on her lap. “You should just sleep, Aelin,” she said in her overly
sweet voice, as if one night of good sleep would erase all problems. She supposed that at Helia’s
age it did help.

Aelin pouted, “Your daddy isn’t letting me.”

“Dada!” The girl scowled Rowan; her eyebrows frowned. “Why?”

This had Aedion bark a laugh, and Aelin wished to kiss the ground the girl walked on for making
her cousin produce such a sound. After what happened with… her, Aelin didn’t know how he
stood.

Aelin had been a wreck after Rowan took a logical choice, even if it went against a promise, he
made her. But if Rowan had betrayed her the way Lysandra did Aedion, if their love had been
fake… Aelin wasn’t sure she could stand, even less laugh.

Her cousin was stronger than she was, that was for sure. She knew he hurt, but the sheer strength
to pretend… Aelin didn’t have that anymore.
Rowan chuckled, ruffling his daughter hair. He leaned in to kiss her forehead, “Don’t frown like
that, you’ll give yourself wrinkles.”

“What’s a wrinkle?” She asked, her frown deepening.

“Something your old man has,” Aedion said.

Rowan turned his head to Aedion, raising an eyebrow. “I like you, but not that much.”

“Good,” Aedion shrugged. “Because I’m still weirded out about the fact that you’ve been banging
my cousin.”

“What’s banging?” Helia asked, and Aelin winced.

“Language,” Aelin scowled her cousin, and Rowan was full on glaring now.

“Shit,” Aedion turned, a wince on his face. “Sorry Helia.”

The girl shrugged, “Aelin says worse.”

“Traitor!” Aelin squealed. “I get reprimanded whenever I say bad words, but he has a pass?”

She smiled then, and Aelin noticed another teeth missing and one that grew. “But Aedwion,” she
said, butchering his name in the cutest way, “Let me play ratatouille with his hair.”

“She’s a good cook,” he testified, still facing whatever he was cooking.

Aelin’s stomach grumbled, and Rowan turned around to smile at her when it did. Yet she didn’t
feel the hunger, but she hadn’t eaten for days now. Physiologically, she was hungry she knew that.

But she wouldn’t hurt Helia’s feelings, so when they put a plate in front of her, she forced herself to
eat. Rowan was sitting on her left, a hand over her thigh as he checked on Helia to make sure she
was eating correctly.

She felt her body relax as she ate, and her limbs strengthened. It felt easier not to cry. She didn’t
feel at her best, far from it, but there was no denying she felt better.

Aedion stole glances at her the whole evening, his own exhaustion written all over his features.
This didn’t seem to be a few good days for the Ashryver cousins.

Helia yawned for the whole meal, and when she was done Rowan scooped her up and said he was
putting her to sleep, but before the girl rambled on how she was excited to sleep in a pink room.

She was excited to sleep in Aelin’s teenage room. Fuck. Aelin shouldn’t find an emotional
connection into that. But she did.

Helia hugged her tight before her father took her to bed, waving goodnight at Aedion. When they
were gone he said, “That girl loves you.”

Aelin didn’t have an answer for thing other than a shrug.

“He does, too,” Aedion said more quietly. She observed him closely, and he didn’t really seem at
ease. Her face must have told him the questions forming into her mind, because he said, “I’m
trying to wrap my head around it, I promise. And I don’t judge you, because the guy is head over
heels for you. But… His age, his daughter and the fact that he’s your professor… it’s a lot.”
“He’s not a professor anymore, and I dropped out so,” another shrug.

He took a few seconds to answer, taking a deep breath. “Yes, well. That’s still a lot, and I don’t get
why you didn’t tell me. But hey, I’m happy you’ve distanced yourself from me these past few
months, or I could have exposed you to more problems.”

The pain in his eye had her heart squeezed tightly in her chest. “Aedion…”

“No,” she shook his head and looked away, “It’s okay.”

“No, it’s not.”

“Clearly,” he deadpanned, “You look awful, respectfully, of course.”

The corner of her lips tipped up slightly, “You look worse.” He huffed a laugh, but then he sobered
up pretty quickly. “How did you find me?”

“Well, that boyfriend of yours—”

“He’s not my boyfriend.”

“He sure as hell acted like it when he noticed you were gone. He had me and Dorian feel as if we
were under police investigation, he thought we were helping you hide. He was… scary, you to
know how to choose them,” he snorted. “When he understood we had no idea where you were, he
went after your dad and mine. We’ve been to too many funerals, so I went along. It wasn’t pretty,
and he wasn’t nice to them, especially to my dad. Then, said to ask you why when I asked about it.
He called other people when he also found out that our fathers were clueless, and then said that if
you were nowhere in Doranelle you were here. But we had no planes nor trains, so we drove the
twenty-three hours.”

Aelin took it all in and nodded.

Her cousin turned back his gaze on her, his eyes sad. “I wish you’d left a note, Aelin. I was scared
out of my mind. We drove here, and there was one fucked up part of my brain that kept telling me I
might not find you, that maybe you’d come here to… stop being strong.”

A snort. “Look at me, I’ve stopped a long time ago.”

“You didn’t,” he shook his head. “I was the first one to see you in her room, you know. He told me
not to wake you up, but you looked so downcast, even in your sleep. And when you entered that
room hours later, there was a subtle change. As if you had again fallen to your feet and wished to
be okay.”

“I didn’t want Helia to see me that way,” she admitted. She hadn’t been strong for herself.

“You really love that girl, don’t you?”

Aelin nodded, giving him a small smile. “I do.”

“She loves you, too,” he said. “She only had your name in mouth on the way here. She even called
you…”

“Mom?” Aelin asked.

He nodded, “Yeah. I choked on my drink when she said that, not going to lie.” Aelin’s lips tipped
up in an almost smile. “Where is her mother? I mean, you get what I mean.”
“Dead,” Aelin said, feeling sadness for Helia. She didn’t deserve that. “Lia never knew her.”

“Poor girl,” Aedion said, and he knew what he was talking about. His mother had passed a few
years before Celaena did. And now, years later he got left by another woman… He deserved better
than a cousin like her. He deserved someone who could support him.

“I don’t want to go back to Doranelle,” she told him, looking down at her empty plate.

“Me neither,” he admitted. “Anywhere you want to go, I follow.”

She huffed a laugh, not doubting his word a second. Rowan was back a few minutes later, assuring
her that Helia was sleeping soundless. He sat beside her, and she said, “I’m sorry you had to come
here to fetch me. I’m sorry I left without a word.”

Rowan’s hand wrapped around her shoulder and squeezed her there. “We just want you to be
okay.”

She snorted then, how could she be okay? She was terrified, terrified of everything outside and of
herself.

“Aedion,” Rowan’s voice tore her from her thoughts. “Do you have ideas of action we could take
against Arobynn and… her.”

Aedion’s back stiffened, but he nodded. “Women’s rights are protected in Doranelle, and stalking
is a crime. You can sue, then the problem would be providing enough proofs.”

“The mics in my office and camera in Aelin’s rooms have to count as something, right?”

“If the police find a way to link those with any of them, yes.”

“What about all the pictures? The ones taken by the private.”

Aedion winced then, “In the law, hiring a private isn’t forbidden. But here, the goal being stalking,
we can’t know how a judge would interpret that. I’m going to be honest; it’s going to be easier to
catch Lysandra than Arobynn, at least for the stalking. If you wish to see him fall, you could still
exploit what he’s done at the hospital, but…”

“But it would make my mother, as well. Is that what you meant?”

He swallowed and nodded, and she took a deep breath. As of now, she didn’t have enough energy
to hate her mother, but she felt as if the feeling should be right there. But even after it all, could she
do that to her own mother?

“She never protected you, Aelin,” Rowan said, kindly. “You don’t have to protect her.”

But it wasn’t so easy, was it? She shrugged, that was a problem for another day. “What about
Helia?” she asked.

“What do you mean?” Aedion asked with confusion.

“What action do I take to protect her? She was on those pictures; she was mentioned in the texts
Rowan received. Tell me what I can do for protection.” That was all she wished to know.

“Aelin,” Rowan spoke. “You were the one stalked.”

She ignored him, waiting for an answer from Aedion. “A judge could easily put a restraining over
on Arobynn and Lys, they couldn’t be close to you.” his familiar nickname slipping in the
conversation, and she was unsure if he had realized it.

“I don’t care about me,” she said, because it was true. “What can I do for Helia? Can I ask for one
for her?”

Aedion winced, and her heart nearly dropped out of her chest as he said, “No. You can’t.”

How else could she protect the little girl? She felt so helpless she couldn’t find a single idea on
how to protect her. Pathetic, she was pathetic.

“Rowan can, though.”

“Right,” Aelin said, half relieved. “Because legally I’m nothing to her.”

“Aelin,” Rowan breathed. “You’re not nothing, we don’t give a shit about the law.”

“You’ll go a judge the moment you can, promise it to me,” she asked of me.

He sighed, closing his eyes. “We’ll go together, so I can protect the two girls I love.”

She wouldn’t step in Doranelle, she couldn’t. It was too much. “I’m tired, Ro, I’m going back to
sleep now.” That was part of the truth, the other reason was that she wouldn’t get a discussion so
heavy now.

He frowned, “Are you sure?”

She nodded. He sighed and told her, “Go rest, Lin. I’ll clean this up and join you, alright?”

For a second, she thought about asking him not to, but when she saw the worry in his green eyes…
She nodded, leaning in to kiss his cheek before she left for bed. She stopped by her room in the
meanwhile, and indeed Helia was on the pink bed, softly snoring. She closed the door slowly, not
wishing to wake her up then laid on her sister’s bed, wishing she could ask her for advice.
 Chapter 45

Even after hours of sleep, Aelin woke up exhausted. She was more rested than yesterday, and yet
she still felt as if she was crushed by a weight too heavy to carry. She woke up on her side, with an
arm draped around her waist and a hot body touching her back.

“Good morning,” Rowan whispered from behind her, a hand playing with her hair. “Slept well?”

She shifted a little, trying to snuggle closer to him. “What time is it?”

“It’s after ten,” he whispered, not breaking the sense of calm installed in the room. “How do you
feel?”

Heavy. She felt so, so heavy. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath but didn’t know how to
answer. Every answer that came up to her mind were more damning than the other. She simply
shrugged, hoping it’d be answer enough. Hoping that he, out of everyone, would understand.

“I love you,” he whispered, kissing the back of her head. “Do you want breakfast?”

She shook her head. Food would only make her feel heavier. But her body didn’t agree, and her
stomach grumbled loudly. Rowan chuckled behind her, his chest shaking against her back. “Come
on,” he said, coming to stand over her has she laid on her back. He was close, so close from her.
Close enough to share a breath, for their noses to brush. She raised her head slightly, in the hope to
catch his lips in a kiss, but he pulled away quick enough. A playful smile pulled his lips up, and he
shook his head.

“I want to kiss you,” she pouted. “Shouldn’t you indulge me?”

“I already told you why I wouldn’t,” he said.

She frowned, “But it comes from me.” If it did, it meant she forgave him, didn’t it?

But had she? Or had she brushed it off under the rug, because of most important matters. She
wished he hadn’t made this a thing, that he’d just welcomed her back the way she had, with no
questions. She wished he hadn’t put all these hesitations in her mind.

As if reading her thoughts, Rowan pulled away. She rolled on her side, facing away from him.
Maybe because she wasn’t strong enough to see the hint of disappointment in his eyes, as if he had
expected her to brush off his concern. To tell him she didn’t care about what he had done that
night. She nearly did, before closing her mouth. Somewhere in her, she knew it still hurt and she
didn’t want to lie to him, so she stayed quiet. Rowan stood from the bed and stood on her side of
the furniture. “Lin, I’ll make you pancakes, come on.”

She shook her head, “I don’t want to eat.”

“Aelin…”

“No,” she snapped. “I don’t want pancakes, alright? Leave me alone, please.” She didn’t know
where it came from, but she didn’t apologize. She was tired, tired of everything but also tired of
being treated as if she was breakable.

The thing was, she was breakable, but the way everyone acted around her… She felt weak. It was a
constant reminder of how fragile she’d let herself be.
Years ago, she had hurt daily. But she had chosen not to open herself again, so she wouldn’t hurt
more. Truly, her efforts had been pathetic.

Rowan took a few seconds to answer, and even there it was clipped. “Alright. I’ll leave you be.”

He turned off the dim light on his way out, and that way he left her alone with her own thoughts.
Good. It was what she’d always wished for after all.

She turned in the bed, reaching for where he had laid just moments before. She was a mess,
because she reached for his pillow and tucked it into her side, so she breathed in his scent as she let
silent tears escape her eyes.

She wanted to deal with this on her own, without Rowan’s magical kisses and pancakes. She
couldn’t rely on other people, not when it led to disappointment. But maybe at the end of the day,
it was her fault. If everyone around her ended up being a jerk, maybe she was the one in the wrong.
Not everyone could be bad, and she was the common denominator everywhere.

That train of thought was depressing, nearly as bad as most of the thing that have crossed her mind
these past few days.

She wished there was an answer somewhere, to make sure. To stop the wondering.

She looked around the room and her stomach dropped. Celaena would have been her answer, she
would have told her what to do.

But she was gone, and Aelin was alone.

It wasn’t fair. Nothing was fair. Rowan had Helia, Aedion had Gavriel. And Aelin… She had no
one. No one that had never betrayed her trust. No one to rely on, without a single doubt that she
was that person’s first choice. There was always going to be something or someone before her.

Her parents’ jobs, Gavriel would never favor her when he had Aedion, and as unfair as it was to
think it, Helia was Rowan’s priority. Not Aelin. This was the way it should be, but it didn’t make it
string less.

She wasn’t a good person, and it added to the weight pressing on her chest. Tears burned her eyes,
and she wished it would stop. She’d do anything for this pain to stop. But it never did, and she
wasn’t sure she was strong enough to hold on for longer.

Actually, she knew she wasn’t. This was it, that was her limit. And it was so much lower than what
she believed it was. Gods, it was pathetic. She was.

Someone knocked on the door repeatedly and with enough excitement that Aelin knew who it was.
She wiped her tears away, taking a deep breath. “Come in.”

Helia opened the door and ran into the room. Celaena’s bed was so big that Helia had to stand on
her tiptoes so her face would be at the same level as Aelin’s body. “Hello.”

Aelin’s throat burned as she fought to keep tears at bay, and she reached a hand into Helia’s hair.
“Hey, baby.”

“Are you sleeping in?”

“Trying, what about you? What are you up to?”

“Daddy asked me to come and get you for breakfast.” Aelin barely held her snort in. Rowan wasn’t
an idiot; he knew that she wouldn’t snap at Helia. “Are you coming?”

She wasn’t sure she could move, nor did she want to. Instead, she asked, “Do you think you can
give me a hug?”

With a grin on her face, Helia kicked her slippers off her feet and jumped on the bed, right in
Aelin’s open arms. She embraced the girl, kissing the crown of her head as she covered her with
the blanket. “Thank you, Lia,” Aelin said, with her voice slightly quivering.

“Did you have sweet dreams?”

“I don’t remember what I dreamed of, but what about you? Wasn’t it scary in that bedroom all
alone?”

She shook her head, “No, I was a big girl. I had pretty dreams.”

Aelin smiled, and leaned in to give her another kiss. “I’m happy.”

If Aelin was the problem, it wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair to keep this girl around, to risk hurting her.
Fuck, she had missed school these past few days because her father had to run after Aelin. This
wasn’t a risk anymore, Aelin was impacting the girl, and not in a positive way.

Her hands were shaking as she brought them to the side of her face, tears streaming down her face
as she leaned in to kiss Helia’s forehead. “I love you, do you know this?”

Wide, curious green eyes glanced at her. “Are you crying, Aelin? Why?”

Aelin shook her head, though she supposed the tears on her face spoke for themselves. Her voice
was shaking as she said, “I love you, so, so much. I always will, do you promise to remember
that?”

The girl’s eyebrow furrowed, but she nodded. “I love you too, mommy.”

This was too much for her, the name she used. Aelin sobbed, hugging the girl close. Gods, it
wasn’t fair. She should keep Helia away from this and yet, she wanted to keep her close. She tried
to master herself, she truly did. But she couldn’t. Not anymore. “I’m sorry, Lia. I’m so very sorry.”

“Why do you cry?”

Aelin looked down at the girl and tried her best to give her a smile. “I think I’m just tired.”

“Oh, well, sleep?”

Aelin’s lips tipped up. “I think that’s a great idea.”

“Girls?” Rowan entered the room, “I’m waiting for you for—” He saw her then, in tears with his
daughter in her arms.

His lips parted, a frown forming on his face. But it disappeared quickly, and he went to seat on the
side of the bed. “There are pancakes for you downstairs, baby,” he smiled at Helia, who jumped
out of Aelin arms to run downstairs, the appeal of the pancakes too great. Rowan watched her
leave, and his posture seemed to straighten when she was gone. He looked at her for a second, and
she looked away. He let out a sigh, standing up.

He opened the curtains, and she closed her eyes tightly to shield away from the light. “Get up,
Aelin.”

This didn’t sound like a word of encouragement anymore. No, if she didn’t know Rowan, she
would think it nearly sounded like an order. She opened her eyes, finding him standing at her foot
of the bed. “Aelin, come on. I know you want to rest, but this is not healthy.”

“Rowan, please.”

He shook his head, “No. You get out of bed, now. I get it, I really get it, but you need to get up
now.”

She sat in the bed, her eyes burning as she said, “You’re mad at me.”

“Am I?”

She snorted, “You act like you are.”

He let out a long breath, his eyes closing before he told her with a soft voice, though his tone
wasn’t warm, “Aelin, I want to help you. But I don’t want my daughter involved, alright? This is
my one limit, she has to stay out of this.”

Her lips parted, “I-I didn’t—”

“Aelin, she’s young and clueless. She thinks we are here for a weekend away, and we told her all
about how you were sick. But you… Please, Aelin. You need to pretend when she is around.
That’s all I’m asking.”

She looked away, swallowing her hurt. “I’m sorry.”

He sat at the end of the bed, laying a hand on her leg over the blanket and she finally looked at
him. She didn’t know where it came from as she said, “No, actually I’m not. I’m not sorry. You
brought her here, I didn’t. I purposefully left, Rowan.”

“You did because you wanted to self-destruct in peace.”

“Maybe you should have left me then,” she snapped. Always, always someone came in to save her.
He came in to save her from her grief, then from Lysandra and then from herself. He didn’t believe
her to be capable of doing anything on her own.

For months, she believed he saw her differently. That maybe, he was with her because he saw
something she never saw in herself. But he didn’t. He saw her as weak as she saw herself. Perhaps
he only wished to fix her, to fix what he never managed to fix in himself.

Maybe he only saw her as his redemption.

“How could I?” He asked, eyes wide. “Would you like me to sit, miles away wondering what you
are doing to yourself? Wondering if you’ll ever come back to me?”

“What if I’m not?” She snapped. He looked at her in surprise, eyebrows raising. She swallowed but
didn’t look away. It was too late to back down now, wasn’t it? “What if I don’t want to come back
to Doranelle?”

“Aelin,” he breathed. “I can’t just leave my work, and Helia… She needs her family, I don’t want
rip her away from what she still has from Lyria. We can’t just move here. I want to help you—”

“I don’t want you to!” She let out. Only then, did the weight on her chest eased. When she finally
let everything out. She couldn’t stop. “And I don’t want you to move with me. I want you in
Doranelle, and I want to be here.”

His head was shaking, “You don’t mean that.”

“I do.”

He looked at her then. His face was guarded, eyes filled with hurt. His jaw twitched as he asked,
“For how long?” She stayed silent, and that was all the answer he needed. He huffed a laugh,
though the sound lacked any amusement. “You’re never coming back, am I wrong?”

“No, I’m not,” she confirmed.

Rowan stood, hands hiding his face which made it impossible to read him. He didn’t look at her as
he said, “I know it’s hard, but—”

“You know nothing,” she spat. “And stop patronizing me. I’m an adult, I can take my own
decision.”

“No, you can’t!” He screamed. “You cannot make a single decision that is good for you, so excuse
me if I’m worried when you tell me this.”

She stood, a bolt of energy running through her veins. “You don’t get to be worried anymore! You
betrayed me Rowan, and until five minutes ago I thought I had delt with it, but you know what, I
didn’t.” She let out a long breath. “You left me and betrayed my trust, and yes it was not worse
than what Lysandra did but Rowan, I needed one person in my corner. One person that would
never turn their back on me. That night,” her voice quivered. “You saw my parents and uncle turn
on me, my family, and you knew it wasn’t the first time. And yet, you left. You told me all these
words…”

“I had a daughter to protect!”

“And you had to protect me, too!” She yelled back, out of breath. “I had no one before you, and
you made me believe I had found the one person who’d be there and then you turned your back on
me. I know that what shedid was much, much worse. But it didn’t hurt nearly as much as you
driving away that night.”

He turned his back on her for a second before saying, voice even, “You knew. When we got into
this, you knew I had a daughter. I told you she’d always be my priority, and when the time came
where I had to prioritize her, you blame me? Aelin, I know you hurt, and I know I screwed up, but
what I did was not wrong.”

“I don’t care!” She felt tears wet her cheeks. “Rowan, you making a reasonable and sensible
decision hurt me more that my friend betraying me and destroying the little family I had left. Do
you not get it? I love you too much. So much that you possess that kind of control over me, and I
cannot bear it anymore.”

His lips parted, “Is that my fault?”

“I don’t know, alright? But it does not change the facts, doesn’t change what I want—”

“Aelin, please,” his voice was soft, too soft. “A-Aedion will take Helia home and she’ll stay at
Lorcan for a week, alright? So we can—so you can rest. I’ll stay right here, and we call talk things
out.”
“I don’t want that,” she snapped. “Alright? I want you to leave, Rowan. I don’t want you to sweet
talk me into forgetting my feelings, I just want you gone.”

“That is not what I’m doing, I’m only trying to—”

“I am noy Lyria, Rowan!” She screamed. “You cannot use me to fix your mistakes with her! Yes,
she wanted your entire attention, but Rowan I can’t fucking breathe because I feel like you are just
waiting for me to break so you can fix me.”

He took a step back at her words, as if she had physically hurt him. He looked away, his head
nodding as he took it in. His gaze was severe as he looked at her, “What about Helia?”

“What about her?”

He laughed then, “You didn’t even think of her, did you?”

“Is it even my role?” She regretted the words the moment they left her.

He shook his head, closing his eyes. “I knew it would happen; I knew it. I was worried about this
happening, and you told me it wouldn’t.”

“Excuse me?”

“When she started believing you were her fucking mother! You told me it was okay, that she
would not have a second mother ripped away from here, and now you’re leaving. I knew you were
too… Unstable.”

“She is your daughter! I’m twenty-four, I barely know what I’m doing, and you want me to chain
myself to a life and city I despise for your child? Fuck, Rowan she’d be better off without me
having breakdowns every other week.”

“You don’t get to make that call—”

“Who else then?” she yelled. “I don’t want to come back, Rowan. This is the one decision I take
for myself.”

“Decide to shave or dye your hair, not leave your goddamn family!”

“Which you are not!” She yelled back. “You have not been my family since you fucking left me!”

“Then stop being so fucking self-centered and think about Helia!”

She was breathing heavily, not allowing herself to feel anything. Feeling was too exhausting, it hurt
her too much.

“She loves you,” Rowan said, voice hard. “And you want to stay here, thousands of miles away?
You don’t get to do this, not if you want to be any different than your parents.”

She took a step back, the blow full on hitting her. “How dare you,” she breathed.

“This isn’t—“ He shook his head “You don’t get to leave her and live so far away when she loves
you. You and I, we are messed up and it’s too late to fix us. But we don’t get to mess her up.”

Her eyes burned at the truth.

But her truth was that she was too scared to hurt the girl that she rather stay away. But if she left,
she’d hurt too.

Why wasn’t there an easy solution?

“What if I wasn’t so far away?”

“You mean living with us?” He asked, a touch of hope caressing his hardened features.

She shook her head, crossing her arms. “Varese.” Then, she explained, “I’d be an hour away, which
is close enough for her to visit on the weekends and breaks. And it’s far enough for me.”

All hope had vanished from his face then. His voice was lowered and saddened by defeat as he
said, “So, I’m the one you’re leaving.”

Her voice quivered as she breathed, “You left me first.”

“Is it retaliation, then?”

She shook her head, “No, it’s the first time I prove my love for myself.”

He looked away, “Do I also get visitation?” He asked that as if it was funny, but he was angry.

“No,” she breathed. “Not you.”

He huffed a laugh, though he was all but amused. “You’re cruel, Aelin.”

She felt gutted at the tears that escaped his eyes. Rowan was crying. And it wasn’t just a lone,
single tear. For the first time, he was really crying.

Yet, before pain could seize and grip her, only to drown her later, she held on for dear life at that
burning flame inside of her, “Why? Because I’m not putting you first?”

“Because you also promised,” he spat. “You think I don’t know why you do this? Call it self-love
all you want, Aelin, but it’s fear. You’re scared to let yourself feel and love again after everything,
and I get it. I get scared too, but I don’t act on it.”

“You left me!” She screamed, voice breaking.

“To protect us!” He yelled back. “I was going to come back once the situation was dealt with. But
you, you’re not.” His voice quivered, and it quieted as he sat on the bed. “You’re leaving me.”

She swallowed back her tears.

For herself, she was doing this for herself.

“I thought this time it would be different, that we’d be different,” he huffed a laugh, the sound
watery. “I’m always left alone.”

“Rowan,” she breathed, taking a step in his direction.

He held a hand up, and his gaze nearly brought her to her knees. “Don’t.”

He looked so… angry. Angry, and sad and exhausted.

She had done that.

“It doesn’t have to—”

“We’ll speak only for Helia, because I can’t… look at you,” he said, wiping tears from his cheeks.
“If you wanted space, then there it is.”

This was what she asked for, but then why did it feel so painful? She nodded, looking away.

It felt permanent, this bridge between them, which had been so strong for months, had finally
broken. She knew it’d happen at some point, she only didn’t thing she would be part of the reason
for that.

She’d hurt him, maybe as much as she hurt, and it didn’t feel comforting. But she didn’t say
anything, and he was the one to speak next, “Helia and I are leaving, we’ll catch tonight’s flight.”

She nodded, “Can I tell her good-bye?”

He finally looked at her, and she was thrown aback by all the suffering she saw in those eyes. “Of
course.”

---

The moment she entered the living room where Aedion and Helia were watching cartoons, her
cousin stood and walked to her. She wrapped her arms around him, hugging him close. “I heard
yelling,” he said softly enough that Helia wouldn’t hear, and he pulled back. His worried gaze was
an unwelcome weight adding on her skin, “What happened?”

“A lot,” she breathed. “Rowan and Helia are leaving. Now.”

His eyes widened, and before he could ask more question, she said, “He’s getting her bag ready as
well as his. If you want to leave too…”

“I’m staying wherever you are.”

This was welcome. He was always welcome at her side. She nodded, fighting to keep the tears in.
“Do I need to kill him?”

She snorted, shaking her head. “I think it’s more on me, now. I’m messed up, you know.”

He frowned, “Well, you kind of are. But that’s what does your charm.”

He kissed her cheek and left, as if he knew what she was about to do. She sat beside Helia on the
couch, and the girl looked at her with a smile, "Better?"

No. She felt worse, but the idea that she wouldn't be able to impact people’s life negatively as
much as she had in the past few months, it was a relief.

“Can we talk for a minute?”

She looked at her cartoon and sighed, reaching for the controller to put them on pause. She angled
her body toward Aelin, and the action made her smile.

“Do you remember what I told you earlier?” She asked. “That I will always love you?”

She nodded.

“Then I want you to remember that when you’re going home with dada.”

Her face brightened, “We’re going home? Can you sit next to me on the plane?”
Aelin’s heart broke as she said, “I’m not coming with you, baby. It’s gonna be just you and dada.”

Her eyes widened, “But where are you going?”

Her lips parted, and she had no idea how to say it. Maybe… Was it a bad idea? But no. She
couldn’t. Couldn’t face where her family had raised her without a sister, where her best friend
turned into her enemy. She couldn’t. “Not too far from Doranelle, just a little over an hour away.”

Helia’s eyes filled with tears, bottom lip wobbling, “But why?”

She took a deep breath, fighting the tears, “I have to. It’s a long story, but I’ll call every day I
promise. And you can even visit me, and we’ll have all the ice cream in the world.”

Tears spilled down her face, and Aelin hated herself. She loathed was she was doing, and the
feeling intensified as Helia said, “But I want you every day.”

He leaned in to place a shaky kiss on her forehead, “I promise I’ll make it alright.”

“Pinky promise you won’t forget me?”

Aelin wrapped her pinky around Helia’s tiny finger, “I would never. You’re my everything.”

---

The house felt empty once Rowan and Helia were gone, too empty. She sat o, the porch, and
Aedion sat beside her. She looked at her side, and he held a bottle of vodka in his hand. “Figured
you would need that.”

She snorted, grabbing the bottle and taking one sip for it. She winced at the strong, awful taste.

“You already miss him.”

She snorted, “I’ve missed him before he was even gone.”

“Why did you let him leave, then?”

“He hates me.”

He rolled his eyes, “He is angry, but he won’t go from love to hate in one conversation.”

She wasn’t so sure about that. He hadn’t need to leave so early for their flight, and yet he had left
the moment he got ready. Running away from her. It was what she asked for, but it didn’t stop it
from hurting.

But if he hated her, it was good. Good, that he was half as angry with her as she was with him. The
well inside of her filling with sadness didn’t do a great job at hiding the anger she still felt.

He’d left her that night.

He’d said horrible things to her and then left.

She took a deep breath, reaching for the alcohol once more. “I love him too much, anyway. I had
to.”

He shook his head, “There’s no such thing as loving too much.”

“There is, at least with me,” she said, drinking. “I don’t care about myself when he’s around, I
focus solely on him. And I don’t you to worry when I say this but… If I keep forgetting about
myself, I don’t think I can keep going.”

He looked away, “It makes sense. Your parents taught you that love looked like neglect.”

She snorted, handing him the bottle. “I can thank them for everything that I am.”

“You’re better than they are.”

There was a silence, “Why did you never say anything? About how they treated me?”

He let out a broken breath, looking down for a second. “Before if I didn’t think too hard about it,
your mom mind might pass as mine. She’s the only connection I still have to my mom, you know?
My dad, with everything that happened, doesn’t count. But your mom… I’m sorry, Aelin. It was
selfish, but I didn’t want to lose what I had left of her.”

She laid a hand on his, smiling softly at him, “I’m not mad. I’m happy you found a way to bring
yourself comfort.”

“But I hurt you.”

She shook her head, “My mom did, my dad and yours did, too. But you… We had fights but didn’t
go against me. You’re my brother, Aedion,” her voice started shaking, tears streaming down her
face. “And I think that now more than ever I need you.”

“Always,” he promised. “Fuck everyone else, I’ll always be there.”

She smiled, “And I won’t be too far away, either.”

He frowned, then said, “Fuck that, too. If you’re moving to Varese, so am I.”

Shock and surprise spread through her, “Are you sure?”

He nodded, “I can transfer, and I don’t want the reminder of her in the city more than you do. I
need my fresh start, too.”

She chewed on her bottom lip before saying, “I could kill her, for what she did to you.”

“So could I for what she did to you.”

She smiled softly. “To a new start, then?”

He nodded and wrapped an arm around her shoulder, bringing their bodies closer, “To a new start,
cousin.”
 Chapter 46

July 9th,

The apartment wasn’t too small. Smaller than what she’d been used to her whole life, but she also
knew that it would happen when she decided to leave everything she’d known. She knew the place
would be much smaller without Aedion’s part of the rent, because she could definitively never
afford this on her own. The Wyrd knew her job as a waitress didn’t pay well enough.

Even if it wasn’t ideal, even if she could still feel this bottomless pit in her core, she couldn’t find it
in herself to regret her decision. She’d left Terrasen a week after… them. Aedion had made it back
to Doranelle for a few weeks, but Aelin’s sailed to Varese immediately. She’d stayed in a hotel and
found her job. It’d been lonely the first few weeks, well, before today. Before Aedion arrived, and
they moved in their new apartment.

“Where do we put that, chef?” Fenrys asked, holding a box of books in his hands. She felt a little
guilty for having him and his friends help her move, but they’d offered their help. One she couldn’t
refuse, because she, Dorian and Aedion definitely couldn’t move everything by just themselves.

The little girl at Aelin’s feet made a noise of thinking, and then turned to her, “Aelin, where do the
books go?”

Aelin smiled. “In my room, Lia.”

Happily, she turned to her uncle and said, “In Aelin’s room!”

Fenrys chuckled, “Thanks for your help, sweetheart.”

When the man was gone into her room, Helia fell on the little seat they’d unpacked so she could
rest. The house was a mess, but they’d still tried to find a way to keep her comfortable. She sighed,
and said, “I’m tired.”

Aelin held in a smile. The girl had played the little chef the whole day, and even if she hadn’t
carried anything, she’d been active for hours. It would be easy to put her to sleep tonight.

“Your uncles will build the beds, and then you’ll be able to sleep, alright?”

She let out a little, dramatic sob. “Too long.”

Aelin chuckled then, “It’s okay. You’ll assist me to cook, right?”

She frowned, “Daddy says you can’t cook.”

Helia had officially stopped calling Rowan ‘dada’. At least, when she spoke to Aelin about him she
only called him daddy now. She was growing up too fast.

It’d been three weeks since Aelin hadn’t seen her, and even then, she’d only seen her a day. But
now that she had a real place to stay, Rowan had let her come for the weekend with Fenrys,
Connall, Lorcan and Elide. Vaughan stayed in Doranelle with Loren, knowing that having two kids
for a house move wasn’t ideal.

For the first night now, Helia would spend the weekend with her. Aelin was more excited for it
than she was for this new apartment. The little girl filled the void in her a little, she made her feel
less empty.

“Well, that’s true,” she admitted. “How about we buy take out, instead?”

The girl’s face lit up, “Yes!”

Aelin laughed, ruffling the girl’s hair. She was worse than she was, or maybe they were just
similar in that way.

“Can I call daddy?” She asked, and Aelin’s heart skipped a bit. It always did when someone
mentioned him around her. They’d barely talked since he left Terrasen, and even those short,
clipped conversations by texts seemed cold. He was angry, and she was too. And yet, her legs went
a little weak every time she saw his contact’s name calling her, even if she knew he’d just lent his
phone to Helia.

Aelin nodded, opening her phone and starting a facetime call with Rowan, then she handed the
phone to Helia. She rushed to the kitchen, pretending that she wasn’t running far away enough to
not hear him, pretending that she was only unboxing the silverware.

She’d chosen to leave, but it didn’t mean that it was easy.

Aedion came into the room, his arms crossed as he looked at her. She looked up, raising an
eyebrow. “What is it?”

“Helia’s on the phone.”

She hummed, taking out the forks. Gods, those things were ugly. It was all Aedion’s stuff. “I
know.”

“You didn’t ask for his help too? We could have done with one more pair of arms.”

Aelin gave him a pointed look. They were enough for today, and he knew it. “No, why would I?”

He sighed, “Because you obviously miss him.”

She looked away for a second, “What if I do?”

He sighed but said nothing. He knew why she stayed away, and he mostly understood it. He took a
step and wrapped an arm around her shoulder, pulling her into a tight embrace. She hugged him
close. She was grateful for her cousin, for having him so close to her. He was her brother, and he
always was on her side. She knew that, now.

His father had tried to call her at least twice a week since she left Terrasen, and even if she never
answered her phone he didn’t give up. Her father did the same, and he also sent her texts that she
left unanswered. She wasn’t ready to speak to them, just the idea of it was enough to suffocate her.

She’d had video sessions with Yrene every week since she left Terrasen, which was her idea. She
didn’t want to stay alone in this, drowning in her feelings. Even if Aedion was with her, it wasn’t
the same. She couldn’t pour her soul at his feet. Neither could see with Yrene, the only person she
could do this with was miles away from her and didn’t want to speak with her anymore because she
pushed him away. But Yrene helped.

The therapist told her that she shouldn’t base herself on anyone else’s schedule, only her own. If
she didn’t feel ready to speak to her uncle and father, it was alright.
She believed Aedion passed on the message, and yet the two men didn’t stop reaching out. It was
comforting, in a way. They allowed her to wait, while still showing that they wanted to speak with
her.

Aedion kissed the side of her head and pulled back. “We’ll be happy here.”

“Of course, we will,” she confirmed. “How could you be anything but happy with me around?”

He rolled his eyes and ruffled her hair, the same way she’d just done with Helia. It warmed her
heart, that protective and teasing gesture. She’d sought that siblingly love for years, but it’d always
been there. Right under her nose.

It would never be the same as with Celaena, but it was okay. She didn’t want to replace her sister.
She’d wait to see her again, and until then, she had millions of things to live.

Tiny footsteps were heard, and Helia ran into the room, handing Aelin her phone. “Thank you.”

She put the phone back in her back pocket, “You’re welcome, pumpkin.”

She hugged Aedion’s leg, looking up at him with her pleading eyes, “Can we play ratatouille
again?”

It wasn’t the time, he still had lots to do, and yet Aedion’s lips lifted with a smile, and he knelt on
the floor so Helia could climb on his shoulder. The girl giggled once she was where she wanted to
be, and she pulled up on Aedion’s hair to tell him to stand up. She laughed as she guided him away
from the room, and he followed all her instructions.

She smiled and returned to her unpacking, that was until Fenrys came into the room. “Hey, girl.”

She rolled her eyes, “I’m only a few years younger.”

He shrugged, “Twelve is something.”

She sent him a teasing smile, “Yeah, and now that you say it, is that a grey hair just there?” She
asked, pointing to the left side of his forehead.

His face paled, and Aelin laughed at his fear. “You’re a devious woman.”

She shrugged, winking at him. “Isn’t that all my charm?”

He laughed, grabbing something from a box and taking off the newspaper wrapped around it. “I
wanted to ask you something.”

“Sure, go ahead.”

He took a deep breath, and she paused. It seemed like it would be important. “I know those last few
weeks have been hard, and you probably didn’t have time to think. But with your condition… I’m
afraid you don’t have the privilege of time. Have you,” he hesitated, a small frown on his face.
“Have you thought about freezing your eggs?”

“Oh,” she breathed. Then, she answered, “I entirely forgot about this.”

“If it’s not something you want, it’s okay. I just thought I’d remind you. I can recommend you
excellent practicians now that you live here.”

She frowned, “Can’t you be my doctor anymore? Is it because of what happened with Ro?”
He shook his head, “No, no, it’s not that. I just thought you’d want to stay away from Doranelle,
considering… everything.”

She held herself on the kitchen counter. She hadn’t planned on facing one of her issues now, and it
made her feel a little breathless. She wasn’t prepared. Her hands felt moist, and she took a deep
breath in. “Y-You’re right. And it’s not like I’d use those eggs for anything, anyway.”

“Aelin,” he breathed, taking a step in her direction. “Don’t say that.”

She shrugged, “It’s just the truth. It’s okay.”

He cocked his head to the side, “You’re young.”

“And there’s no one I would want a child with,” she snapped back, a little breathless.

At that exact moment, Helia’s loud giggles were heard through the whole apartment, gripping her
by the throat. She looked down, and breathed, “No one else.”

He placed a warm hand on her shoulder “This separation… It’s not forever, is it?”

“I don’t know what it is, Fenrys.”

“You haven’t talked about that?” He asked, surprised.

“There wasn’t lots of talking involved, Fen, alright? He left me, and then I left him. Now it’s all
over.”

He shook his head, “You’ll find your way together. I know it.”

“And I’m not even sure if that’s what I want,” she breathed. “I wasn’t good around him.”

“That’s bullshit,” he shook his head. “You two would be fucking stupid to stay away from each
other forever.”

She shook her head. “You don’t get it.”

“You’re right. I can’t imagine what you’ve been through, and it still haunts me to have seen Rowan
so low for years. But I know he’s never been happier than around you, and even if I didn’t know
you before I know he made you happier.”

There was an edge to her voice as she said, “He promised, and he lied. It might seem little to you,
but not to me. I had nothing left, I had no one on my side.” She felt like a broken record. “It might
seem like nothing, and I know that. But that promise was a big deal for me.”

His face softened, “I know. I-I just want you happy, Aelin.”

“I’ll be happy once those goddamn boxes are empty, alright?”

He nodded, “I can help with this. And if you ever need anything, I’m only one hour away. You’re
my friend.”

She smiled softly, “Thank you.”

It did mean a lot to her, especially considering how her latest friendship had ended. She still wasn’t
ready to deal with just that. Rowan had filed for the restraining order the moment he came back
from Terrasen, she knew that much. Lysandra wasn’t allowed anywhere near Helia. That was a
good thing. Good news.

Aelin hadn’t gone to the police station. She didn’t feel ready for that step just yet. There was
nothing else Lysandra or Arobynn could do to hurt her, anyway. They’d played all their cards.

---

October 21th,

“You’re so drunk,” Fenrys giggled while he laid on hers and Aedion’s couch, his head resting on
her cousin’s lap. She wasn’t sure what that meant, but she didn’t really care. He was right. She was
smashed, and she loved the feeling. She had missed it, also.

She laughed, throwing her head back and kicking her legs in the air. She was breathless, her belly
hurting as she gasped, “Wyrd, I need to pee.”

“Not on the carpet,” Aedion warned her, eyes wide in terror. “That shit was expensive.”

She looked at him, thoroughly offended. “What do you think I am? A dog?”

Aedion opened his mouth, but Fenrys’ hand shot up to cover it before any sound could come out.
She guessed that her cousin licked his palm, from the way Fenrys pulled back in disgust, which
sent them all into new fits of giggles.

It was too much. She had to pee now. On unstable feet, she rose. She had to relieve herself, now.
Thank Gods, their miserable apartment was ridiculously small. Soon enough, she came out of the
bathroom only to find Fenrys standing in front of her bookcase, admiring all the manuscripts there.

“Be careful,” she warned him. Those books were some of her most prized possessions.

“You love books,” he said as a statement.

She shrugged, “It does distract from time to time.”

Her cousin was nowhere to be seen. Maybe he was changing in his rooms, she didn’t know. But
Fenrys asked, “Ever thought about making it your thing?”

She frowned, “What?”

“Surgery is my thing; law is your cousin’s thing. Books can be yours.”

She shook her head, “I can’t write. Believe me, I tried.”

“No, I mean, what if you published them?”

She looked at him, and even if she could barely feel her face she was pretty sure her eyes were
opened wide. “What?”

He shrugged, “You could edit or publish. Hell, Aelin, imagine being surrounded by books all day
long? Reading them?”

She laughed, “You’re drunk.”

He frowned, “Why are you acting as if it was improbable?”

She snorted, “Because I have a degree in science, Fenrys. I can’t just—”

“Who the hell says you can’t?” Aedion asked, indeed coming back from his bedroom dressed in
pajama pants, but with no shirt. Fenrys eyes lingered on Aedion’s torso, and Aelin turned her eyes
away. She felt as I she was intruding.

“Everything,” she answered. “I’ve taken scientific classes in high school, then a degree on freaking
biology. It’s a little far from the publishing industry. For Mala’s sake, six months ago I was
studying in one of the most prestigious medical schools in the coun—”

“And hooking up with a very hot professor,” Fenrys pointed out.

Again, her heart nearly leapt out of her chest. It always did when he—

“Dude!” Aedion nearly screamed. “I told you to not say his name.”

Fenrys bless him seeing he’s as drunk as she was, opened his mouth in confusion. “I didn’t.”

“It included not mentioning him.”

“Oh.” Fenrys breathed, and then winced. He looked at Aelin, “I’m sorry.”

She waved it away, as if her heart wasn’t beating wildly. “I don’t care.”

Strangely, they all knew she was lying and yet, no one called her out on it.

“He’s onto something, Lin,” Aedion said after a few seconds. “It could be your thing. It doesn’t
matter what you studied, you’re young.”

“And you spent years studying those things, yeah, but you also spent years disliking them.”

“What if I don’t like this either?”

Aedion crossed his arms and shrugged, “You won’t know before you try it, will you?”

She opened her mouth, but nothing came out. This was… crazy.

Fenrys said, “My mom. She has connections in the industry. Just one phone call and—”

“No,” Aelin stopped him there. “If I’m doing this, this time it’s on my own. No phone calls from
parents or friends. I want to deserve it.”

She was swept into Aedion’s arms as he said, “I’m proud of you, cousin.”

---

November 8th,

“What do you want for Yulemas?” Aelin asked, holding the phone in front of her face as she spoke
to Helia. The girl was barely visible in the phone, she kept moving the phone, but it was alright.
Aelin enjoyed the little glimpses she got of the girl.

She threw herself on her princess bed, as she was staying at Lorcan’s tonight, and said, “You.”

Aelin cocked her head to the side, “You’re coming over for new year’s. I’m talking about
Yulemas.”

She frowned, “But I want you and uncle Adwion to be with us.”
Aelin’s heart squeezed. She’d nearly not taken the phone call coming from Elide’s phone tonight.
She wanted to drown herself in misery and alcohol with Aedion. He’d invited Fenrys to join them,
as the blonde did most weekends lately, but he couldn’t tonight.

They were going out for Rowan’s birthday. The whole day, she’d thought about sending a text. She
wanted to, it was the polite thing to do, wasn’t it? Goddamn it, they shared a kid. Well, they
basically did. She knew that she wasn’t Helia’s mother, even if sometimes the little girl slipped and
called her ‘mommy’. Even if sometimes it felt as if she was her mother. A day didn’t go by where
she didn’t speak with Helia. And when Helia spent the weekend at her place, Aelin always made it
magical.

But for the past couple of weeks, the girl had been asking nearly every day for Aelin to come by
for Christmas. Rowan was hosting this year, all his were friends coming over, so they’ll celebrate.
As a family.

“Helia,” Aelin sighed.

The girl pouted, “You said you’d still see me. Even if you moved.”

“And I will see you. On New Year’s. It’s fun, no?”

The girl frowned, and answered in a scream: “No!”

Aelin tried to not take it personally. It was normal for kids her age to react that way. And yet,
Aelin felt a pang of guilt. Her parents hadn’t been there for her, even when she’d asked them to.
The situation was different, but was it?

She could go. She knew she had enough money aside for train tickets. She let her own feelings
stop her from doing so, from giving Helia happiness because she wanted her family all together.

But hadn’t she left to put herself first? Wasn’t that why Aelin lived in that crappy apartment?

“Helia, baby, please,” Aelin tried.

There was a knock heard through the phone, and then Aelin’s take took a turn for the worse.
“What is it, baby?” There was no mistaking who that voice belonged to. “I heard you scream,
what’s up?”

Helia looked away from the screen toward her father, and Aelin was gutted when she saw the tears
in the little girl’s eyes. Her lip wobbled, and she said, “Aelin is leaving me.”

Aelin’s eyes widened. Was that how Helia felt it?

“What?” Rowan said, and she could hear the confusion in his voice. Then, his voice was more
guarded as he said, “Are you on the phone now?”

The girl sniffed and nodded.

The girl threw herself on the side, and if the little things she saw on the phone screen were any
indication, Aelin guessed it was on her father’s lap. She was sobbing, and Aelin truly hated herself
now.

Tears burned in her eyes, but her heart started racing when a throat was cleared. And then, the pone
showed his face. His beautiful, and harsh and yet soft face.
“Hi,” she breathed first, unsure of what to do.

“Good evening,” he answered, as if he was breathless as well. Then, he cleared his throat again.
Gods, she wasn’t used to seeing him. “Wh-What’s that about?”

Aelin took a deep breath. Why did it feel like she was gonna get yelled at? “I tried to explain again
that Yulemas was with you, and that New Year’s was with—”

“NO!” Helia screamed bloody murder, her voice breaking as she cried on her father’s chest.

His eyes turned pained as he looked down. “Baby, I’s okay. You’ll get two Yulem—”

“No! All together!” She screamed.

Aelin closed her eyes, a shaky hand passing over her face. “I can come,” Aelin then said. The two
Whitethorns looked at her in surprise. “I’ll take you out for shopping all day, and then you’ll spend
the evening with your father. It’s good, right?”

The few seconds of peace ended, and Helia started crying again. She shook her head, and sobbed
inconsolably.

“No,” Rowan said. “You’re coming over for Yulemas,” he told Aelin. “You and Aedion. We’re all
celebrating together. No reason that you are not spending it with us.”

Helia’s face lit up, even if there was snot all over her cute face. “Really? You the best daddy!” She
threw herself at her father’s neck, hugging him close.

Aelin’s breaths were coming up short. “Are you sure?”

He looked away; the only sign of hesitation he’d let her see. And then he nodded. “You’re coming
over. For her.”

Aelin nodded.

For Helia, she could do it.

---

December 24 th,

“You don’t have to,” a deep voice said from behind her, and she couldn’t help but slightly startle at
the sound of it.

She wasn’t facing him. She only shrugged, “The plates were there.”

“I have a dish washer, you know.”

He hadn’t addressed her the whole night. He had looked her way, yes, but he hadn’t spoken to her
directly. She wished he hadn’t done it, that he hadn’t opened that door of longing.

She took a deep breath and didn’t turn around when she asked, “Is she asleep?”

“Dead asleep,” he confirmed. “With how much she ran around, it’s no wonder.”

Aelin nodded. Good.

The tension… It was nearly too much for her to breath. She loved Helia. She adored the girl. She
was the only reason why she didn’t run away now. She finished rinsing the plate in her hands, and
then she let it dry beside the sink. She took a deep breath and turned around.

She didn’t allow herself to look at the way he was dressed, to admit to herself how attractive he
was. She kept her eyes on his face. But it didn’t help. He was beautiful, with sharp features in the
way she loved.

His eyes were on her face, too. As if he was printing every detail of her face in his mind. Then, his
eyes lowered on her neck. On the necklace Fenrys gave her.

A muscle in his jaw twitched, and she couldn’t understand why. “It’s a beautiful necklace.”

Her fingers brushed the jewel around her neck, “Thank you.”

He slid his hand in his pockets, and there was a moment before he said. “It’s an expensive gift.
Especially for a friend.”

Her back straightened. She knew him, knew there was no kindness behind it all. “What is that
supposed to mean?”

He shrugged, “Nothing. You two are close now, no?”

“Again, why the question?”

He chuckled, though the sound was empty of all happiness. “Yeah, I don’t know why I asked. I
already know the answer.”

She took a step in her direction, her temper rising like it hadn’t in month. She could feel her blood
burn in her veins. “Come on, Rowan. I think it’s burning your tongue, say it.”

His jaw clenched, and with a hard voice and eyes burning of disgust he asked, “Are you sleeping
with him? With my friend?”

Air escaped from her lungs, and her lips parted. How could he ever think that? How could he
accuse her of something of the sort? Another step in his direction, “Yes,” she spat. “Because it’s
exactly what I’d do, right? I’d let him take me every weekend, teach him what I like and he makes
it so good,” she smiled dreamily. “Even better than—”

His lips crashed against hers, and she could do nothing but open her mouth as she wrapped her
arms around his neck, pulling him closer to her. She didn’t care. Didn’t care of what he’d just
insinuated, of how he thought she could betray him in such a way, even after everything—

“Push me away,” he gasped against her lips, his hands holding her face right where she was, fingers
tangled in her hair.

She fisted his shirt and answered, “Fuck me.”

He groaned, pushing her against the counter. She didn’t want to waste time, couldn’t waste time.
She needed him now. It was bad, it set her back from all the progress she’d made. But was it really
progress if she’d spent her time thinking of this?

She hissed as he lowered his kisses on her neck, his teeth nipping at the sensitive skin there. His
hand grabbed her hair, pulling on it. He groaned in her ear, “Take that necklace off.”
Her eyes flew open, “What?”

His eyes were dark as he looked at her, and he was breathless with his lips swollen. One more
minute of waiting, and she’d drop to her knees for him.

He let go of her hair and slowly grabbed the little attachment on the back of her neck. “Because
I’m not fucking my girl in another man’s jewelry.”

The way he said it, she forgot to remind him that she wasn’t his girl anymore. He took off the
necklace and delicately placed it beside them, far enough that he wouldn’t see it.

She grabbed the back of his neck and pulled him into her, crashing their lips together. She gasped
as their tongues met, her toes curled in her heels as he sat her on the counter, wrapping her legs
around his waist.

She felt his hardness against her core, grinding against her. She moaned, tightening her hold around
him. His hands ran high on her thighs, and her own were busy undoing his shirt. But, she got
excited. She ripped off the last few buttons. That fire in her veins, it wasn’t only because of her
arousal. It was anger, and she was tired of hiding it. He could take it. She pushed his shirt to the
floor, and then she let her nails trail all over his back, leaving red marks behind her.

He groaned into her mouth, gripping a fistful of her hair, pulling her head back. He trailed kisses on
her neck, and lower until he reached her cleavage. He wasn’t kind either as he pulled on the strap of
her black dress, ripping it off. “Fuck,” he groaned, as her dress pooled around her waist. “I missed
those.”

His free hand covered her mouth as he wrapped his lips around her nipple, sucking on it. Hard. His
teeth played with the rosy flesh, pulling on it. Her core was aching, in need of him. Her hands shot
to his hair, pulling on the long strands. It’s grown longer since she’d seen him last, and they nearly
were to his shoulders.

He switched breast, and groaned around it as she slightly bit on his palm, moaning as he aroused
her.

He let go of her hand, and his free hand wasted no time snaking between her legs and pushing her
lace panties to the side. Two fingers parted her lower lips, and another one pressed against her clit.
She gasped, breathless.

He kept his hand pressed against her mouth as he slipped a finger inside of her. She closed her
eyes, throwing her head back against the cupboard. But she didn’t care about the pain. She only
cared about reaching that mythical high only him could procure her.

“Fuck,” he breathed into her ear. “You’re so wet, Aelin. Does being angry at me makes you wet?”
He didn’t give her a chance to answer, instead he slipped a second finger inside of her. He crooked
them the right way, hitting this spot that always made it so, so sweet.

She gasped, and yet, placed her hand on the one that was silencing her. She slid it down, around his
wrist. He looked up at her, and his eyes darkened as she brought his hand around her throat.

It was like his eyes lit on fire as she made him squeeze. He brought him closer, flushing him
against her. “I want it hard tonight,” she gasped. “Give it to me hard, Rowan.”

Rowan groaned, and his fingers left her. She only had time to mourn their loss for a second before
she was on her feet and turned around, her hips pressing against the counter while his front was
flushed against her back. He pressed on her shoulder until she half laid on the cold counter. He
gathered her dress around her waist, exposing her ass to him. He pulled her panties down, and then
made her step out of them.

He knitted at her ass, his fingers brushing her heat. He gathered her hair in his fist, and then made
her rise with her back arced. His fingers pinched one of her nipples as he said, “I’ll get condom. I
want you to wait for me right here, ass in the air. Have I made myself clear?”

Her rushed through her veins at what he asked. The house was full of people, people who could
come downstairs and see her at any moment. And yet, she didn’t point that out. She didn’t pay
attention at how hot it made her feel.

“Don’t,” she breathed. “I want you bare.”

“Aelin,” his voice chocked.

“It’s not like I can get pregnant,” she said, though she knew there was a slight risk. “And I’m clean.
I’ve only had you, Rowan.”

He exhaled a long, hard breath. His head fell onto her shoulder, and her skin there was hit by his
burning breath. “I’ve only had you, too,” he said, kissing her shoulder. “Are you sure?”

She nodded, and he kissed her shoulder one last time. “Open up, Aelin.”

In confusion, Aelin parted her lips, only for her panties to be shoved in her mouth. She moaned
around the lace, her noises muffled. “That way it helps you stay quiet, my good girl.”

Her cunt clenched around nothing at the name, and she moaned again. He unbuckled his pants, and
a few seconds later, the crown of his cock nudged at her folds. She fell back onto the counter, and
then she sunk into her.

She moaned, her eyes clothing as she adjusted to his size. It’d been so, so long. But he didn’t give
her time. He pulled back and pushed into her again. And again. And again.

Even if she wanted to, she couldn’t stop herself from moaning as he kept pushing into her, hitting
this spot she loved so much. She gasped, his hands rough around her hips. She’d bruise, and she
loved that fact.

The noises he made behind her were absolutely erotic, getting her wetter by the second. He slapped
her ass once, the noise making her clench around his cock.

“Aelin,” he breathed her name, breathless. “Aelin, baby.”

She moaned in answer.

“I’ll try something,” he gasped. “If you don’t like it, tap on the counter, alright?”

She nodded, noises coming from her mouth entirely untellable.

The noise she made was loud, even with the lingerie in her mouth, when she felt his thumb there. A
little above where he was in her, pressing against another hole. She clenched around him like a vice
as his finger entered her in that part of her that had had no one else.

He only thrusted into her three times more before she climaxed around him, and then even the
panties could keep her quiet. He pressed a hand over her mouth and thrusted into her while he lost
his rhythm.
The waves of her orgasm were only stopping to crash against her when he climaxed in her, pulling
out and emptying himself on her butt. She was breathless, and her mind was still foggy as she felt a
warm cloth clean her up.

With delicateness, he made her stand up and face him. He took off the lingerie from her mouth,
and pressed his mouth against hers. “How are you always so, so perfect?”

She chuckled, “I doubt I look anything but perfect.”

Oh, no. She must look awful, with makeup running down her face. He kissed her cheeks, and her
nose. “Let’s go to my room,” he said. “We’ll have more privacy there.”

Her opened her mouth, and her face must have shown the discomfort she felt. “I’m not sure it’s a
good idea.”

He looked at her in confusion, “What do you mean?”

She closed her eyes and felt too naked for this conversation, and her dress was ruined. “It’s… too
intimate.”

He took a step back, and she tried to replace her dress and held it against her breasts. He chuckled,
“So fucking is okay, but sleeping is too intimate?”

“Rowan,” she breathed. “I’m thinking about myself in the long run. I-I’m just starting to be okay.
And I have this new sch—”

“You could be okay with me,” he hissed. “I’m right fucking here, waiting for you to come back to
me. You did, and we had sex and now you’re pushing me away. Again?”

She frowned, “Did you think it meant we’d get back together?”

“I thought it meant you still fucking loved me!”

“I do!” She snapped. “I do. But I want to love myself, and I’m tired of explaining it.”

“I know that,” he hissed. “Aelin. I know. I respect that. But I can help you. I’ve chosen, you, and
now I want to help—”

“Good night,” she cut him. “This didn’t happened. Never.”

She could see his heart break. And he nodded, looking away to hide his hurt. “I can’t keep waiting,
so it’s done then. Good night, Aelin.”

She’d screwed up so, so much.

 Chapter 47
Chapter Notes

I'm so sorry I didn't update in a month!!!! life got so so crazy.

Even if you hate me after this chapter, can you hope for the best for me tomorrow? I'm
taking my third driving test lol, and id really like to pass this time lmaooooo

December 24 th,

Aelin threw herself on the bed she was sharing with her cousin, finally wrapped her in her warm
pajamas, and let out the longest breath known to mankind. Aedion was sitting the same way she
did, staring at the wall.

“I had sex with Rowan,” she said, feeling like in a confessional. Except that instead of a priest, she
confessed to her cousin. Some people could find it weird, but this thing felt too heavy to keep to
herself, and she was sure something was also bothering him.

He didn’t even look at her. He only said, “I kissed Fenrys.” Her head shot to the side, her eyes the
size of flying saucers. But he kept his gaze on the wall, then kept going, “And then I told him to
never speak to me again.”

“Oh,” she breathed.

Was she in the place to ask any questions? He hadn’t for her, she would allow him the same
courtesy.

She thought she understood. He’d been broken once. And even if she was sure Fenrys would never
hurt him the way Lysandra had… She had never thought Lysandra capable of doing what she did
either. In the end, they never knew who someone really was.

Fuck, Aelin was just figuring herself out.

“We’re fucked,” she said.

“Yep,” he nodded. “We are.”

“Maybe it’s our genes,” she said. “There must be something bad about those Ashryver genes,
because there’s no way so many shitty things happen to us at random.”

He snorted. “So it’s either you die, you end up being a cunt like your mother or life screws you
over and over again. Wyrd help us, the eyes aren’t worth all this shit.”

And she couldn’t help it, she laughed. Loudly. Because that was true, the pretty eyes weren’t worth
all that pain.

----

March 7th,
“This one, maybe?” Helia pointed out toward the ugliest dog Aelin had ever seen. Truly, she felt
mean to say it, but it was the truth. She was sure this dog was very nice, but it was old. She was
sure that with a little brushing it’d be prettier, but one look at its age was enough for Aelin to shake
her head and grab Helia’s hand to walk away. Aelin’s heart squeezed in her chest at the idea of
leaving any dog behind… If she had more money, if she didn’t live in an apartment, she would
adopt them all.

But she’d already struggled to have Aedion accept to adopt one little beast, she wouldn’t push her
luck.

If there was one good side of being heartbroken, it was how lonely both cousins felt. Sure, they had
each other to rely on, but there was just so much physical contact she could take with that brute.
She’d always wanted a dog, but her mother had always refused to adopt one. In university it would
have been impossible to have a dog on campus, and now… Well, now felt like a good moment to
make a permanent decision.

It was either that or a tattoo, and Helia was a little too young to get tattooed with her, so adopting a
dog it was. It was her weekend with the little girl, and she really had wanted her to choose with her.
It felt like a decision to make with Helia. Aedion was trailing behind them, eying the animals
warily. “I don’t get why you don’t want a cat, it’s more independent.”

She rolled her eyes, “That’s the point, Aed. I want cuddles, lots of cuddles.”

“Cuddles!” Helia screamed excitedly, clapping in her hands. “I love cuddles.”

“You do?” Aelin asked, surprised. “I never would have guessed that. You never hug me.”

Helia’s eyes widened. “No! Not true!” But for good measure, the girl threw her arms around
Aelin’s leg, hugging her so strongly that Aelin couldn’t move anymore. Aedion caught up to their
side, chuckling at the little girl. Though it squeezed something in Aelin’s chest as she saw how
much Helia had grown up in more than a year. Fuck, it’s been than a year since she met the girl.
More than a year since she…

No, she wouldn’t go down that train of thought. Not now.

“We have a few dogs waiting outside if you’d like,” an employee smiled at them. They’d chosen to
go to a refuge which didn’t keep dogs or cats or other animals in cages. It was sort of a house, with
two dogs sharing each room. Apparently, there were activities in the garden as well. “Yes!” Helia
jumped away from Aelin’s legs.

“We’d love to,” Aelin confirmed.

“I’ll show you,” the woman said.

Aelin went to grab Helia’s hand, but the little girl already had her arms in the air, her eyes pleading
as she silently asked Aelin to pick her up. She was tired, Aelin should have expected that. They’d
been out for a while, having grabbed an ice-cream on the way there. “Mommy?”

Aelin’s heart nearly leaped out of her chest, but she smiled at Helia and turned around, lowering so
Helia could jump on her back. Aelin wasn’t strong enough to hold her in another way. When she
stood, there was something strange in Aedion’s eyes. Something like worry, and maybe some hints
of pity. She’d told him about her infertility. He’d been there for her when she got her eggs frozen,
even if she still had chosen Fenrys as a doctor. Aedion had ignored him, much to Fenrys’ dismay.
But he’d been there for her, offering her his support. It meant a lot more than he knew.
She winked at him and smiled, reassuring him. Helia still called her mommy sometimes, even if
Aelin thought it would stop now that they didn’t see each other as much as they used to.

Helia had her arms wrapped around her neck and she rested her head on her shoulder, as Aelin
admired how pretty that house’s garden was. She loved her apartment, it started to somewhat feel
like home, but she missed running in Rowan’s garden, playing hide-and-seek with Helia.

There were indeed three dogs playing with a man, the three of them with dark fur. But the dog that
caught her eyes was the little golden pup, eyeing the three other dogs as if it wished to join in the
fun, without ever daring. “What about this one?” Aelin asked to the woman.

“Oh! She’s a little lost. She’s relatively new here, but she seems to be afraid of the others. It makes
her integration somewhat complicated.”

The eyes of that dog… Gods, they seemed so sad. “Can we pet her?”

The woman’s face lightened. “Of course! She would love that. Usually, when people see an
unsociable dog, they don’t want to get anywhere near it.”

“Assholes,” Aedion grunted from her side, and the woman nodded though she made no comments.

Carefully and instructing Helia to control how loud her voice was, they approached the dog. She
was sitting near a tree, and made no attempt to move before Aelin kneeled in front of her, Helia
landing on her feet. Aelin held up her hand for the dog to sniff, and after it did just that, Aelin let
out a surprised yelp as the dog licked her stand, stood and nuzzled her hand away so she could
nearly jump onto her.

Aelin laughed as she sat, the dog licking her face as Aelin petted her.

“She loves you,” the woman laughed, kneeling near Helia to instruct her how to pet the dog.

She wasn’t too big, that was a good point. And she seemed very affectionate. Aelin couldn’t lie and
say she hadn’t developed a soft spot for the dog the moment she heard her story. “I love her, too.”

Even Aedion kneeled on the other side, and he scratched the golden pup behind her ear. He nodded
at Aelin, and her smile turned big. “What do you think, Lia? Do we like her?”

Helia’s big, doe-like green eyes were shining with joy. Aelin felt complete when she saw the girl so
happy, especially when it was thanks to her help. She nodded, “I love her!” She repeated what
Aelin had just said. “What’s her name?”

The woman from the refuge smiled sadly. “We have no idea, we found her lost in a forest. I’ve
called her willow, but we decided to let her new owner choose.”

“Any ideas?” Aelin asked Helia. Willow was a pretty name, but if the girl had a specific name in
mind…

Her toothless smile was to cute not to mirror it. “Can we name her Fleetfoot?”

Alright… That was something for sure but… Aedion ruffled the girl’s hair, “Fleetfoot it is.”

---

May 4th,
Aelin’s head was pounding, or maybe it was a fist on the door. But as she opened her eyes, she
quickly realized that it was both. Her vision was blurry, and yet she still stood and walked to the
door. Shit, the apartment was a mess. They had partied a little too hard last night. Fenrys was
asleep on the first couch, with his head resting on Aedion’s stomach, who was also laid on the
couch. She didn’t remember what happened last night, but the mark on Fenrys’s neck told her that
she didn’t want to know.

Aelin herself had slept against Dorian’s shoulder, the two of them sharing the second couch.
Dorian spent more and more time here lately, ever since he also quit med school and broke up with
his girlfriend, Manon. She didn’t really know why, just that the woman wasn’t ready for
commitment.

And while they’d been breaking their backs sleeping on couches, the two couples had slept in the
bedrooms. Elide and Lorcan in Aelin’s, and Connall and Vaughan in Aedion’s.

She hadn’t known they’d be there last night; she’d come home ready to cry herself to sleep, but
when she opened her door… Well, that had been a good way to change her mind. And now, for
two years in a row, she hadn’t been sad for her birthday. That was quite an accomplishment.
Though when she remembered where she’d been a year before… She shook her head, opening the
door, only for her heart to nearly stop.

Her father was standing there, holding a bouquet of flowers in his hand. With a tentative smile, he
said, “Happy late birthday, princess.”

“Dad,” she breathed, suddenly feeling self-conscious about the way she was dressed. The shirt was
pretty long, but still, maybe she should have put pants on. “What are you doing here?”

He looked as embarrassed as she felt, and he eyed her apartment warily. That really was the worst
time for a visit. “I wanted to visit yesterday, but Aedion told me not to,” he chuckled then. “I
understand why, now.”

“What are you doing here?” She repeated, still a bit confused.

“It was your birthday. I-I wanted to be there, so maybe we could spend some time together. But if
you don’t want to, it’s okay.”

“No,” she rushed to say. “I’d love to.” It was nice, she thought, to see him there. To know he
thought about her.

He smiled, letting out a little relieved sighed. “Good, would you like to go walk somewhere?”

“Sure,” she smiled. “Just, let me get dressed. And can I bring my dog?” Fleetfoot loved to go out
and walk with Aelin. The once very small, tiny dog she’d adopted is now huge, always stealing
Aedion’s bed.

“You have a--,” he stopped himself. “Sure, Aelin. Take your time.”

She gave him a small, shy smile and let him in. He looked scared at the state of her apartment, and
it somehow made her smile, reminding her of all the times he came back home to a very messy
house when she was a teenager. His eyebrows shot up at Aedion and Fenrys, and Aelin said,
“Don’t frown at the state of your doctors, they’re not working.”

He chuckled, “I can see that.”

---
Aelin was feeling emotional and held back her tears as she walked through the park where her
father used to take her and Celaena when they were kids. He used to drive all the way there just so
they could throw bread at the ducks. Aelin was watching Fleetfoot run while she sat on a bench,
her father next to her.

“I didn’t know you were having a party,” he said. “I mean, you didn’t have to tell me.”

“I didn’t know, either,” she told him. “Aedion surprised me.”

“I am happy that you have him,” he said, laying a hand on her knee, then squeezing. “He treats you
well.”

“He really told you to not come yesterday?”

“He said that you had plans, and that you might not be up for a visit from me on that day.”

She chewed on her bottom lip. “It’s always a hard day.”

“You don’t need to explain,” he smiled. “It’s the reason why I asked Aedion beforehand, I want to
do things on your terms now.”

She nodded, fighting the tears even more. They weren’t bad tears; she was just feeling a lot. The
meds she’d been prescribed didn’t help, either. They helped her get out of bed every morning, but
they also made her feel more sensitive. “What did you do yesterday?”

There was a flash of silver in his brown eyes, and he said, “I flew to Terrasen. I wanted to be with
Celaena a little. I have… I have been doing this quite a lot lately, if I must be honest.”

“Oh,” she breathed. Her sister hadn’t been alone yesterday, then. That was good. “Does it help
you?”

He nodded, “Yeah. I keep telling her how sorry I am, honestly, I just sound like a broken record
there, but… I will never say it enough.” He winced, then said, “I wanted to move her. To
Doranelle, so she could be with the whole family. It wasn’t my decision to leave her there, but your
mother she’s been…”

“Celaena will be in Doranelle?” Aelin breathed.

Something in his face shattered. “They need the authorization of both parents, and your mother is
—”

“A bitch,” she snapped, her tempter rising. “She’s just a cruel bitch.”

He didn’t say anything else other than, “I’m sorry.”

She shrugged. She’d asked him once, when she’d picked up the phone in his many attempts to call
her, how the divorce was going. He said that her mother made it hard, that she was trying to take
everything from him. She hadn’t lost her job at the hospital, she had no idea how, but she wasn’t at
the top of the hierarchy anymore. That’s all she knew, and all she wanted to know.

“Can I ask you a question?”

“Anything,” he said.

She played with her fingers as she said, “I understand how you pulled away after Celaena died. I
did, too. We all grieve differently, and I’m pasted that. But… But you knew how Evalin was cruel
with me. And I believe you when you say that you love me, so why have you never done
anything?”

He looked away, as if he was ashamed, before he turned his eyes back on her. “I have no excuses. I
hate myself for it, and I don’t deserve forgiveness. But the only explanation I can give you, was
that your mother… She wasn’t only cruel to you. The few times I brought it up, she threatened to
leave and take you away. And I—I don’t know. It somehow shut me up every time. Again, Aelin,
this is on me. I can’t give you excuses that’d be convincing enough.”

The tears escaped her eyes then, and she didn’t wipe them off. She knew that she wouldn’t have
liked the answer in anyway. But… “Thank you for being honest. You weren’t the father of the
year but deserved better than Evalin. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t,” he said, voice clouded with emotions. “Don’t apologize to me, Aelin.”

“Alright,” she let out a long breath, wiping away the tears. She had to stop crying, for fuck sake.

“It’s okay,” he squeezed her knee again. “Tell me about yesterday, who was there?”

When she told him, he frowned, “No Dr. Whitethorn?”

Her stomach dropped at the name but she shook her head.

“I thought he’d be there, since you’re invol—”

“We haven’t been involved for almost a year, dad. I thought you knew that.”

“Oh,” he breathed. She hadn’t told him, but she thought someone else had. “What happened?”

Her laugh was sad. “He left me, and I’m a child about it because I can’t fucking get over it.”

“When?”

Her side-eyed look was enough for him to understand that she meant the night at her parents’
house. “Aelin,” he breathed. “He had no other choice.”

She shook her head, “You don’t get it.”

“Not everyone is me, Aelin. Not everyone is your mother.”

“Dad—”

“No,” he grabbed her hand. “Look at me.” She did. “I made him run that night. I’m so sorry, but he
wanted to stay. The next day he was the one to yell at me, he had a goddamn lawyer ready, Aelin.
This is why I thought you were together, because he fought for you.”

“What?” she breathed.

He’d told her. He said that he would have come back after the stalker had been dealt with; but she
hadn’t been sure if she believed him. But if he truly had fought for her… Why hadn’t he said it?

She shook her head. “It’s… It’s not only that. I love him too much.”

He frowned, “What is that supposed to mean? There’s no such thing as loving too much.”

She scoffed, calling Fleetfoot so she could have some comfort from the lovely dog. She hadn’t
planning on having a heart-to-heart with her father today. Hell, her head was still pounding, her
body still feeling like death. The dog laid her head on Aelin, allowing her to pet her.

“There is when you’re me. I solely focus on him, so much that I start neglecting myself. I believe
that if he is here then I’ll be fine, that if he is here, I’m protected and nothing can hurt me. I forgot
about how you both hurt me for a while when I was with him, until that night. For a while, I just
sat in my fucking car, and I realized I had nothing to go back to, dad. I was in a fight with Aedion, I
kept so many secrets from my friends that they barely felt like my friends, then one of them
betrayed me… I had to go to the house of a man who barely tolerate me, Dad. I just… I can’t love
healthily.”

“You’re right,” he said, voice slightly quivering. “You can’t love yourself healthily. Not the others.
The love you tell me about, it’s the purest kind of love that exists. It’s the kind of love I wish I’d
been able to show you, that I wish I was able to show anyone. The problem isn’t with how you love
Rowan,” he said, as if saying his name felt strange on his tongue. It must be. “It’s with yourself,
and I know it’s my fault, but stop punishing yourself.”

She shook her head, tears spilling once more. “It’s not as easy.”

“I’m proud of you for looking for a better, healthier love. But, are you happy, princess? I
understand pulling away to heal, but are you truly healing if you’re stopping yourself from being
with someone you love?”

“I’m messy,” she breathed.

“You’re lovely, and pure, and too good. Start treating yourself with more love, Aelin.”

She wiped her tears away. Maybe he was right. She tried her best. She went to school, she became
closer to Fenrys and Dorian and Elide, she took care of Helia… Every day, she fought to get out of
bed and make the best out of a good day. But maybe… If she’d let Rowan in again, it would be
easier. Maybe she couldn’t forget that night he left, but she could forgive him.

“I’ll call him tonight,” she said, and her father smile.

---

“Aelin!” A high, loud voice squealed the moment she opened the door and faster that she had any
right to be, Helia threw herself at Aelin. Surprise hit her as hard as the little girl did, what was she
doing here? Aelin had been drunk out of her mind yesterday, but she was positive the little girl
hadn’t been there.

Fleetfoot ran into the apartment, going to sniff a very well dressed Loren. He hadn’t been there
either… What was going on?

“Buttercup!” Aelin smiled, kneeling at Helias height. “What are you doing here?”

“Happy birthday!” She placed a bit, wet kiss on her cheek, and Aelin felt her heart fill with
warmth. Last she heard, the two kids were having a sleepover at Rowan’s last night, and she only
understood why when Vaughan and Connall showed up in her living room.

There was as if hope took over the beating of her heart. If they had been at Rowan’s then he must
have driven the kids there, right? She stood, grabbing Helia and holding her close. But as she
walked in the living room, there was no trace of Rowan. She tried, she really tried to not show her
disappointment show, but from the other side of the room, Fenrys’s eyes on her felt heavy.
Loren rushed to Aelin as well, hugging her legs. Gods, that boy was too cute to be true. She hadn’t
seen him for a year, but he was always showing up in the video calls his fathers gave her. “Happy
birthday, Aelin,” he squeezed his arms around her legs. “We came to play board games!”

Aelin chuckled, her eyes looking fondly at Aedion, who mouthed happy birthday. She grinned, and
then her cousin’s gaze slipped behind her, and then she realized that her father was still there. She
set Helia back on her feet, and the two kids ran toward Aelin’s bedroom.

Aelin turned around, looking at her father. He looked really uncomfortable, especially pinned
under Lorcan’s gaze. She had no idea what that was about. She didn’t expect Lorcan Salvaterre to
take her defense out of everyone. Her father was still holding the bouquet of pink and purple
flowers he’d bought her, she’d asked him to as Fleetfoot was quite a handful to deal with.

She grabbed the flowers, walking into the kitchen to fill a pot with flowers, her father on her heels.
“I really like them,” she said, filling in the silence between them. The apartment was small, and
everyone could hear or see them. She supposed it was a surprise for them to see him there. Maybe
Aedion hadn’t told them, or her father hadn’t really warned that he’d come today.

She didn’t fail to notice that the flowers were what used to be hers and Celaena’s favorite color.
Her taste had changed… but she appreciated the gesture.

“You could stay, you know,” she said.

He shook his head, giving her a little embarrassed smile. “Enjoy an afternoon with your family, it’s
okay.”

In a way, she was happy that he refused. It broke her heart, how he didn’t consider himself part of
her family. But maybe she was part of his, and there was still work for him to be part of hers.

He waved at her, on his way to leave, but before he could, “Dad?”

He turned around, facing her with an expression of wonder on his face. She hesitated for a second,
until she decided to fuck it all. She wrapped her arms around his neck, hugging her father for the
first time in year. Tears burned her eyes as she said, “Thank you for today.”

“Anytime, princess,” he breathed, hugging her back. They let go of each other after a while, and
she gave him a tentative smile.

“Do you think we could do that again someday?”

He smiled at her, “I would love to, Aelin.”

---

After showing the world how much of a sore loser she was, Aelin decided to cook something for
everyone before they leave, going back home. Her cooking capacities had somewhat developed, at
least enough that she had made Bolognese. And since nobody was spitting what was in their plate,
she supposed she hadn’t done such a bad job.

Fenrys was in a vivid tale of how his patient’s husband started hitting on him right in front of his
wife, and Aelin’s belly hurt at how much she laughed. Even in her laughter, Aelin couldn’t ignore
the looks Fenrys threw toward Aedion, as if making sure he was making him jealous. Compared to
how cozy they were that morning, it was almost as if the two of them couldn’t seat far enough for
each other. Or more like Aedion couldn’t sit far enough from Fenrys, who made it his job to taunt
her cousin.
She wouldn’t even ask what happened the night before, she’d been too busy dancing with Helia
and Vaughan—whose hips could move very beautifully—to look at the two of them.

Aelin was sitting with Helia on her lap. She was five now. Older than the three years old she’d
met, and yet the girl still wanted to snuggle with Aelin to eat. Maybe it was a little disgusting, but
they shared a plate. Less washing to do later, and it wasn’t like Helia ate a lot. She took a big
mouthful of pasta, and red sauce was all around her mouth as she chewed. Aelin chuckled, using a
napkin to clean her up. Her dramatic self, Helia sighed and let her body fall against Aelin’s torso.
“I missed Bolognese.” She could say Bolognese without any problem now, and Aelin wanted to
congratulate her on it.

“What do you mean baby, you haven’t eaten that in a while?” She remembered Rowan cooking
that once a week, mainly because it was one of Helia’s and Aelin’s favorite.

“No,” the girl shook her head grabbing the big glass of water with her tiny hands.

“How so?” Maybe Rowan got sick of it. Though she couldn’t imagine him deprive Helia from her
favorite food just because he didn’t like it anymore. He was… selfless that way. He loved her that
much.

Fuck, she missed him.

That convo with her dad really messed her up. She had the urge to grab her phone and call him now
but… she wanted peace when she made that call.

“Remelle doesn’t like it, so Daddy doesn’t cook it anymore,” Helia sighed, shrugging a little.

Aelin’s stomach dropped as she heard what Helia said. And as if everyone heard as well, all side-
conversation stopped. The silence was deafening, and the two kids were oblivious to it.

“Remelle?” Aelin asked, though her voice was a little too wobbly for her liking. She looked
around, and no one dared to look at her, except Aedion who was as confused as her. The only one
who dared to look at her was Fenrys, and his eyes… they looked sad.

“Daddy’s friend,” Helia answered, and there was something about her tone Aelin didn’t enjoy.
Maybe… dislike? “She sleeps over all the time.”

She was going to be sick. She looked around, and none of the people who lived in Doranelle dared
to make eye contact. They’d known. They’d known and they didn’t tell her.

Aelin’s heart was beating too fast, her vision turned blurry and she felt dizzy. And yet, she did her
smile to lean in and kiss Helia’s cheek. “You can have all the Bolognese you want here, baby.”

Aelin didn’t last more than a minute before she stood, helping Helia to seat before she went into
her room. It took energy to not slam her door. Instead she sat on her bed, staring into the void.

Remelle.

She remembered now.

Dr. Flores.

Blonde, beautiful. Age appropriate.

He moved on. He moved on with her.

She was truly going to be sick. Just as she thought about rushing to the bin under her desk, her door
opened. She thought Aedion would be the one to join her, but she was wrong.

Fenrys was there.

“Get out,” she breathed.

“Aelin,” he said, tentatively, closing the door behind her.

“You knew,” she said, not loudly but with bite. “You didn’t tell me.”

“You were doing good, Lin,” he said, taking a step in her direction. “I didn’t know for sure, Rowan
isn’t the type to confirm or answer our questions. And you were doing better…”

“How long.” She demanded.

“Aelin.”

“How fucking long, Fenrys?” She snapped.

“We noticed them getting closer around a month ago.”

Her heart missed a beat. A month. He’d kept that from her for a month. And in the meantime, he
kept convincing her to take him back. She didn’t know what her feelings were now. If she was
angry or sad.

“Call him now,” he urged her. “Call him now and he will ditch her.”

“You’re a dick.”

“Call him now, Aelin. He will, just call him and he will. I know that he will today, but I’m unsure
on what he would do in the future. You need to wake up now if you still want him, and we both
know you do.”

“Get the fuck out of here,” she snapped.

He frowned, his head cocking to the side. “I don’t get you, Aelin. Sometimes, I can’t understand.”

“I’m trying to deal with my emotions, Fenrys, and I can’t do this if you’re here,” she hissed.

“Dealing with your emotions, is that how you call this? You’re just compartmentalizing, entirely
ignoring some parts of your problems.”

“Like what?” She shouted, too lost in these waves of distress to care.

“Like the fact that he’s waited for almost a year and you’ve ignored him, but the moment he moves
on it seems like a problem,” he snapped back. “You need to choose. You want him or you don’t,
because Aelin, if you keep waiting you might lose him.”

Breathing was hard, and it was as it an entire building crumbled onto her as she breathed, “He told
me he couldn’t wait anymore. I told him I wouldn’t come back.” Her friend’s face turned
sympathetic, and her voice broke as she breathed, “I didn’t believe him. I-I hoped.”

“Call him,” Fenrys said, holding out his phone. “Call him, and tell him.”

She looked at the phone for a second, wondering what would happen. Could she call him, really?
Would she call him, ask him to ruin the little happiness he’s found, only so she can bring her mess
back into his life?

Then, she shook her head. “I’d like you to leave.”

“Aelin,” he breathed.

She shook her head, “I don’t want to speak to you anymore.” He’d known. He should have told her,
no matter how much he wanted to protect her. She was so, so tired of being protected. Of being
weak.

He laughed, but the sound was sour. “You want to push me away from your life, too? When will it
stop Aelin, when only Aedion’s left, huh?”

She looked away. She didn’t deserve his friendship, didn’t deserve his time. She wasn’t a good
person. Wasn’t good for anyone. He shouldn’t have had to protect her.

“You think I don’t know why? You rely on Aedion because he’s as lonely as you. He won’t leave
you, and you won’t leave him. You’re using each other as life buoys, and you push away anyone
else. You can’t ignore the world outside.”

“Leave,” she said, voice firm. “I don’t want to see anyone,” she slipped under her blanket and
didn’t come out of it for an entire weekend.

---

June 10th,

“I had fun, you know,” he said in her ear, helping her put her coat back on. She gave him a shy,
timid smile.

“It was a nice evening,” she nodded, taking a deep breath as they stepped out of the restaurant.
Even for a month of June, the air was quite cold. Hence, the coat. She usually disliked wearing
one, it always ruined an outfit. She rather not get sick, though. So, she put on a goddamn coat.

“Can I walk you back to your car?” He asked.

He was cute. Pretty, even. She’d met him in class, and he’d been the first person to approach her.
She’d been wary at first… The last time she befriended someone in class, it hadn’t ended well. For
months he did his best to befriend her, and while she didn’t reject him, she wasn’t exactly warm.
Then, before Yulemas, he’d asked her on a date. She refused. He did it again a few months later,
and she gave him the same excuse. I’m not ready.

He was perfectly content to keep their friendship intact. Until a month ago. She called him, asking
if he was still up for a date. She’d never heard Sam’s voice so joyful. He was funny, and a good
man.

Now, three dates later, Aelin enjoyed his company. She didn’t love it, and she didn’t crave it so
much that she felt as if she needed him. But maybe this was a more realistic kind of relationship for
someone as messed up as Aelin.

The walk to her car hadn’t been long, and they stood there. “You look beautiful,” he praised her,
tucking a strand of her hair behind her ear.

“Thank you,” she smiled, waiting for a blush to spread in her cheeks but it didn’t happen.
He was standing close to her, and his gaze lowered on her lips. He wetted his own, taking a deep
breath, and she knew what he would ask before he even opened his mouth.

“Can I kiss you?”

For someone who had had sex in a bathroom before the first date, and who had grinded on a guy
during their first date, it was strangely chaste of her to never having kissed Sam before. Not a
single time before or after their first two dates, but she knew she would break this circle today.
After all, she had to move on.

She took a deep breath of her own and nodded, and the next second his wet lips were on hers. And
she felt… nothing. It would come, she told herself. She rose on her toes, parting her lips for him.

He groaned, pushing her against her car. His hands stayed in appropriate places, on her waist, but
she could feel things heat up.

This wasn’t…

She didn’t want to have sex with him. Didn’t want to kiss him. Not now. Was he kissing her?
Having sex with her? If he didn’t… Didn’t she have to, as well? She had to move on as well, she
had to prove to herself that—

She pushed Sam away, a little breathless. “I’m sorry.”

“Have I hurt you?” He asked, pulling back, his eyebrows furrowed in confusion. He really liked her
and she… She didn’t. It wasn’t fair.

“I don’t think it’s going to—” She was cut off by her phone ring. Great. Amazing. She was trying
to communicate, goddamn it. “Sorry.”

“It’s okay,” he said as she grabbed her phone from her handbag, frowning at the name showing up.

Fenrys.

They hadn’t been in contact for almost a month. Well, he did try to call. She was the one dodging
his calls. Not every good behavior for the new Aelin, but she didn’t care. She was ashamed, and
sad, and mad.

She didn’t want to speak to him now. She hung up, and turned her eyes back on Sam. “Sorry, just a
friend.” She winced. “I was saying, you’re great and I—”

Her phone rang again, and Fenrys’ name showed up again. Alright, that wasn’t normal. Usually, he
called once. If he really was in a mood, he sent her a selfie of his puppy face. But he never called
twice in a row. Two calls in a row were reserved for bad news only; she’d heard enough of those to
know.

The last time, she’d answered one of Fenrys’ call late at night, Rowan had cut his hand. This
couldn’t be worse than that. She was sure of it. For all she knew, it wasn’t bad. Her bad days were
over.

“You can answer,” Sam said, voice kind. “You look anxious.”

She winced again. “I’m sorry, I’ll cut this short, I promise.”

He smiled, unbothered. Fuck, she hated what she was about to tell him. He didn’t deserve that.
She took a few steps away from Sam, answering her phone. “What do you want?”

“Aelin,” he breathed, and her spine straightened. He sounded like he was… crying. “It’s Helia,
she’s hurt,” he broke down then, crying on the phone. “We don’t know what’s going to happen.”

It was as if Aelin’s world came crashing down. She had flashes. Flashes of her aunt’s dead body in
her casket. Flashes of Celaena in that red water. No.

Not again.

Please, she thought as tears spilled down her cheeks. Please, not again.

She couldn’t say anything. Couldn’t breathe anymore. She barely felt Sam’s hands on her shoulder,
barely felt him take the phone from her before she threw up on the street, begging the Gods she’d
stopped to believe in so long ago.
 Chapter 48
Chapter Notes

See the end of the chapter for notes

The only thing she felt was the sour, metallic taste of blood in her mouth. Maybe it was because she
kept biting her inner cheek, or maybe it was from the way she kept anxiously assaulting her hand
with her teeth. Tears had long dried on her skin. It was as if she was stuck in a haze, and no matter
how much screaming her brain did, she didn’t move or speak. She knew the man driving was
speaking to her, but she couldn’t comprehend the words.

All she wanted to scream at him was to drive faster and faster. He wasn’t going nearly as fast as she
needed him to. If he’d let her drive, things would have been better. But he didn’t. She had no idea
how she ended up being driven to Doranelle by Sam, but she remembered closing her eyes once on
that sidewalk, and the next time she opened them she was in her car, Sam on the driver’s side.

She had to snap out of this. Snap out of this terror that had paralyzed everything but her mind. She
wished the fear had paralyzed it as well. Then maybe she wouldn’t feel like she was dying.

Which she would if they didn’t make it in time. Or if Helia… Or if that little bundle of joy and
sunshine didn’t make it at all. Aelin would rather end her life than live in a world so cruel and
joyless.

She had no idea what happened, only knew that her little girl… She was hurt. She wasn’t alright.
This… This wasn’t right.

She was going to be sick again. She didn’t know where her phone was. She had to call Aedion, she
had to tell him. If things turned badly… She needed her cousin with her.

And yet, she made no moves to find her phone.

Because it felt too much like the last time.

It felt too much like the time she called him, announcing that Celaena had passed away.

Aelin couldn’t make the calls anymore. She’d lost that strength along the way. She wouldn’t be the
bearer of awful news anymore. She couldn’t do it. She couldn’t imagine the way Fenrys had felt,
making calls in the stead of—

Rowan.

Why hadn’t Rowan called her?

Oh, Gods—

What if he’d—

He had to be okay. He had to be fine. But if he was—why had Fenrys been the one to—

Someone grabbed her hand, stopping her movements. She hadn’t even realized she was moving,
that she was doing something.

“Aelin, you need to calm down,” Sam said, eyes on the road and one hand on the wheel. “You’re
scaring me, you’re breathing weird.”
“I need my phone,” she breathed, looking everywhere for it. “I need to call him.”

“Call who?”

“My phone,” she snapped, ignoring where the fire came from. “Where is it?”

Sam frowned, but he dug in his pocket and handed her the device. “We’ll be in Doranelle in just a
few minutes.”

She said nothing. Her hands shook as she typed her password and called Rowan’s number. The line
went dead right away, and her heart dropped. She tried again, and the same thing happened. Had
he… Had he blocked her number? For the last six months they communicated through Fenrys or
another one of their friends, but if… Even if that option broke her already mutilated heart, she
rather that than him being hurt. If he was… The sheer idea of it made tears burned her eyes.

“C-Can I get your phone, please?”

Sam didn’t ask questions, only typing in his password and handing her his phone. She almost didn’t
catch it, but she gripped it hard, dialing the number she knew by heart. But once more, the line
went dead immediately. His phone was off.

She hid her face in her hands, trying to keep her breathing regular but… He could be hurt. Helia
was hurt. She thought that if she lost one of them, she’d die. But if she lost the two of them, how
was she supposed to hold on?

She startled when she felt a hand on her shoulder, “We’re there.” Sam said, voice hesitant. Aelin
looked out to see they were indeed parked facing Doranelle’s hospital. She hadn’t told him where
to do, but he’d taken her phone… Fenrys must have told him.

Aelin allowed herself one breath. One deep, focused breath.

And then she was out of the car, rushing toward the entry. She wasn’t wearing her coat anymore,
she had no idea when it’d been taken out—

On her heels, Sam was there. He asked her to slow down, to tell him what was wrong. How was
she supposed to explain that? She couldn’t, she had no information…

Cold air hit her skin as she entered the hospital, walking toward the receptionist who had her eyes
wide open. Aelin must look awful. She forgot how cold it was in this goddamn hospital, especially
during the summer.

“Miss, are you alright?”

“Where is Helia Whitethorn?” she asked, her voice barely human. She wasn’t in the mood for any
small talk, or even just a polite conversation.

The woman frowned, “Miss, you look distressed, is there anything I can—”

Aelin’s tempter rose, “I just want to know where—”

Sam’s hand cupped her shoulder, “Listen, we just heard that she was here tonight. We would really
appreciate some information.”

“Are you family?” The woman asked.

“No, but—”
“Yes,” Aelin cut him off. “I’m family.”

She frowned, looking conflicted. “It’s policy that I cannot give you information about a patient if
you’re not a family member.”

“Can’t you hear? I am family.”

“Can anyone prove that?”

Aelin’s entire body tensed. Her—Helia. Helia was waiting, and this woman was wasting her time.
This wasn’t right. “Do you have any idea who I am?” She hated playing this card but…

“Excuse me?”

“My father is the chief of surgery, Rhoe Galathynius? You know him, I suppose. Tell me where
she is before I call him.”

Her face paled, and she typed something on her computer.

“What the fuck was that?” Sam asked, voice barely louder than a whisper. He was frowning,
looking at her as if she was thing strange thing.

“It’s me loving people,” she snapped, turning back to the woman.

“All I can tell you is to go into the fifth waiting room. I don’t have any other information.”

Aelin only thanked her, and then she was running. Even in the stairs. The elevators were too long,
too slow. She needed to be there. She took a turn right, then left, then right again until she reached
the room. The door was opened, and she stopped in the doorway, breathless. Heads shot up, all
familiar but only one mattered. She could have drowned in the sadness and despair of these
beautiful green eyes. She let out a quiet, painful sob when she saw his arm in a sling and the
scratches and bruises on his face. He stood, as if compelled.

She couldn’t take it anymore. She ran, throwing herself at him. He groaned, and she realized she
must have hurt his arm, and yet she was wrapped into the most bone-crushing hug she had ever
been in. She could barely breathe with the way he squeezed her. He was alright, he was in her
arms. She squeezed him harder, almost as a way to realize that indeed he was right there. He was
with her. His hand cupped the back of her head, pressing her harder into him, as if he was also
trying to wrap his mind around the fact that she was there.

She pulled out a little, a little unwillingly, and she only realized then that she had started crying
again. “A-Are you okay? You fine?”

“You’re here,” he breathed, surprise and shock hon his face. “How are you here?”

“Fenrys,” she answered, still breathless “H-He called me.”

She turned her head to Fenrys, and her heart broke at the sadness in his eyes. If she had more will,
she would detach herself from Rowan to wrap her arms around Fenrys, but as if he knew what was
on her mind, he shook his head. “We’ll get some coffee,” Fenrys said, and after that, all of his
friends left, Connall squeezed her shoulder on his way out, and she smiled at him weakly.

There was just Rowan and her in there now. The moment she heard the door close, it was like it
started something in Rowan. His body started shaking like a leaf, and worry spread through her
veins.
His breathing sped up, turning irregular. “Hey, Rowan,” she breathed, hands on his face. “Look at
me, look at me,” she begged him to do, having to force in face in the right angle.

The distress in those beautiful green eyes when they met hers was nearly enough to bring her to her
knees. But she fought. Because so many times he’d stood in her shoes, so many times he’d helped
her when she needed. She would do the same, because it was the least he deserved.

“It’ll be okay,” she said, weakly. “Everything’s going to be fine.”

“The car came out of nowhere,” he said, voice shaking. She’d seen him bad, but she had never seen
him in such a state.

It terrified her.

She was supposed to be the unstable one.

“It hit her side, and I-I couldn’t do shit, Aelin,” tears escaped his eyes, and Aelin’s entire heart
shattered.

“Where is she?”

He closed his eyes, more tears streaming down his face. He fell into a chair, leaving her cold. He
passed a hand through his hair, then looked up at her. It was defeat on his face, as if he was
accepting that life had screwed him up. Again. “In surgery. Her brain—it was swollen and
bleeding. Too much. Two of her ribs were broken and they punctured her lungs.”

Aelin sat in the chair beside him, her whole body shaking. Almost as a reflex, her hands shot out
for his, grabbing it tightly. He was hesitant at first, and then his hand closed around hers. Good.
They would need each other tonight, more than they perhaps ever did.

It was as if her brain knew that she had to focus on him, because the mess turned into quiet. She
angled her body toward him, “Hey, Rowan,” she breathed, and her free hand gently grabbed his
chin, forcing him to look at her. “Everything will be fine.”

He shook his head, trying to shake away her grip. “You don’t even believe that yourself.”

She swallowed. “And you said it yourself, I have a track record in being wrong.”

He cursed, his face falling in his hand after he let go of her. “I’m sorry, Aelin.”

She shrugged, even if he didn’t have his eyes on her. “It’s okay,” she breathed. “I have said worse
to you.”

He shook his head, sighing heavily.

Worry kept eating her from the outside, and she had to hold back from heaving for air. She needed
more information, needed to know all the details. But she knew that Rowan was in shock right
now. That asking him to relive the accident would only hurt him, if he could even recall what had
happened. “How long has she been in the OR?”

“An hour and twenty-four minutes,” he answered flatly. “Twenty-five, now.”

And the fact that he counted, that he was counting what could be his last minutes in this world with
her… She was going to be sick.

“H-How long does it usually last? The neuro part.” He knew that more than her, and maybe taking
his mind off his worry to switch it toward his job, the thing he loved so much…

He looked at her, and he was quiet for a while. She thought he wouldn’t answer, that he’d leave her
question pending in the void. But then, he said, “When there are no complications, around seven
hours.”

“And when…” She breathed, not even voicing the rest of that sentence.

Then, she knew it hadn’t been a good idea to ask the question, because his voice was nearly frozen
as he answered, “When the patient doesn’t die on the table, which happens in more than sixty five
percent of cases for children under six, it can take up to twelve hours.”

She had the urge to tell him she wouldn’t die, that she would be fine, but the words died on her
tongue. He was right, she didn’t believe it. She had a bad track record with keeping loved ones
around.

Oh—

Oh, Gods. What if it was her fault?

She’d known. Known that she should have stayed away, that she should have never let herself in
Helia and Rowan’s life. She’d made jokes about it, but it was very real. Aelin had brought her
curse and miserable existence on Helia. She’d hurt her. Not only with the accident, but with
everything else.

She’d wormed herself a tiny space in Helia’s heart, and then started to take more and more space.
And then, Aelin got selfish. She took off, because she was scared of facing her love for Rowan.
She’d hurt Helia, and the girl had been too good to be angry at Aelin.

If she died tonight, Aelin would never get over it.

Never.

Two dead around her was a coincidence.

Three was a pattern.

If this was her fault… How was she supposed to keep on going? She couldn’t. This wasn’t fair. She
hadn’t… She had never hurt someone on purpose, she’d always tried to please people. Was that…
Was that how life repaid her? By snatching away everyone that she loved?

Her aunt, her sister, maybe her daughter.

Who was next? Aedion? Rowan?

She rather it be her. In that moment, those dark thoughts she’d always fought to keep at bay, to
keep silent, they came back. And she knew, that even if a miracle happened tonight, these thoughts
would keep eating at her slowly. Maybe they had never disappeared, maybe they carefully waited
the right moment to come back.

Ever since the night Rowan left in his car, leaving her in her parents’ parking lot, she had felt them
come back. They’d somehow disappeared in the months prior. But she’d fought harder than ever,
for Helia. But now that they are in once more…

Maybe they’d never disappear. They would always come back.

Just like ivies.

She was thorn away from that train of thought, from falling deep into that well of self-hatred by the
door opening.

She supposed she and Rowan looked rough, if the look on Lorcan’s face was any indication. There
was sadness in his eyes, obviously, but pity, too. If she hadn’t been so… lost, she might have
huffed. Getting pitied by Lorcan Salvaterre. Great, her life was just getting better and better.

“A nurse just came by,” he said, and Aelin was at the edge of her seat, waiting for the rest. “There
was a complication, more bleeding than they expected. But she is stable.”

And even if the pain didn’t ease, breathing became a little easier. “Thank you,” she nodded.

Lorcan’s eyes stayed on Rowan for a few seconds, until Rowan gave his best friend a slight nod.
Lorcan left, then. She looked at him, at the man who had meant everything to her just a few
months ago, the one who might still do, and he looked absent.

She understood more than anyone perhaps how he felt. The utter despair, the fear of being left
alone. She urged to show him that he wasn’t, that even if everything turned to hell today, he
wouldn’t be alone anymore. But it wasn’t her role anymore, was it? He’d moved on. But if she
could help…

She stood and grabbed his phone on the small table in front of them, pocketing it. “I’ll get us some
coffee, and something to eat.”

He looked up then. “You don’t have to.”

She only shrugged, and opened the door to then close it behind her.

Rowan’s friends were all talking outside of the room, quieting the moment they saw her. Sam was
there, basically with them but still withdrawn. She was surprised, if she was honest, that he was
still there. “Hey,” she breathed, crossing her arms for more warmth.

Lorcan opened his mouth, but before he could say anything, she was wrapped in Fenrys’s arms. For
a second, she stayed motionless. With carefulness, she slowly hugged her friend back. It didn’t
have the same desperation as her embrace with Rowan had, but it felt nice. Good.

“Thank you for calling me.”

His eyes were red when he pulled back, and her stomach dropped. She looked around and realized,
it wasn’t just Rowan and Aelin. These men loved Helia, too. Everyone was worried.

“I’m glad you’re here.”

Sam took a step in her direction, laying a hand on her shoulder. “Are you okay?”

No, she wasn’t. She shrugged, giving him a barely-there smile. She turned to Rowan’s friends. “H-
He said something about a car. Are the other people involved here as well?”

They all threw a look at each other. “He didn’t say a word to us, you’re the first person he talked
to,” Lorcan answered. “But from what I heard, only his car was found.”

Dread filled her veins, her heart. “They just left them there?”

“Oh, Gods,” Vaughan breathed, grabbing his partner’s hand.

Aelin’s shaky hand covered her mouth as she tried to regulate her breathing. She wanted to lose it,
but she couldn’t. She’d done it already; she could do it now. She could be strong for Rowan.

She nodded a few times before saying, “I need to call his, hum, their insurance. Fuck, Helia’s
grandparents too and hum,” she through, her brain hurting. “Aedion too.”

“Aelin,” Sam breathed. “You already asked me to call Aedion.”

She frowned, “Did I?”

“Yes,” he nodded. “When we got in the car, don’t you remember?”

She shook her head, passing a hand through her hair. Was the floor shaking under her feet, or was it
just her legs? She was hot all of a sudden, her cheeks and chest burning.

“And I called him before that,” Fenrys added. “Just after I called you.” Right, it would make sense
that Fenrys called Aedion. They had this… thing. How could she forget?

Rowan’s phone was taken from her hands, and she looked up at Lorcan. “Get your ass back in that
room, girl. You’re not making the calls thing time.”

“I-I need to, to help him. You don’t get it.”

“I get it. You know I do,” he said. “What you don’t get is that you’re not alone anymore. You have
a support system, you have us. You let us to everything, and you just wait for your daughter to get
better, okay?”

Tears burned her eyes, and she wiped them away as quickly as they appeared.

“Daughter?” Sam asked, surprised in his voice.

Right. He didn’t know about Helia. She never knew how to explain that situation. Fenrys, always
here to help her, answered: “It’s a long story.” She looked at him and hoped her eyes conveyed her
thanks. She didn’t feel like explaining how her path crossed Helia’s.

“Get back in there, Aelin,” Vaughan said. “Rest if you can.”

“We’ll bring you two something to eat.”

And Lorcan was right, she wasn’t alone anymore. Hesitantly, she nodded, allowing them to care
for her.

---

The light was shining through the window, warming up the skin of her arms as the sun’s light hit
directly on it. She hadn’t slept at all, fear too present to even think about closing her eyes for an
instant. She sat next to Rowan in silence for the whole night.

Aedion had arrived last night, worried. Somehow, he’d known that saying anything would have no
impact on the way she felt, so he stayed quiet. He sat beside her and held her hand, Fenrys sitting
on his other side. The room had filled with Helia’s family, though her grandparents weren’t there
as they were keeping an eye on Loren. She was sure that it was better for them to babysit a
hyperactive boy instead of waiting at the hospital in silence, doing nothing and only awaiting
disaster. Especially after they… After they lost their daughter. Lorcan kept them updated every
hour, Elide there to hold his hand.
Marion was there, too, as well as other nurses. The woman she’d nearly always known threw her a
knowing look, as if entirely unsurprised to see her there. Maybe Elide had told her, or maybe she
had known before. Her father had said that many people voiced their concern. As careful as they’d
been, it had not been enough.

She was lost in her thoughts when she snapped back to reality as someone new entered the room.
Her father. Her heart leapt out of her chest when she saw his tired face, a woman surgeon next to
him.

He’d been the one to perform surgery on Helia. That much she understood right away.

As if in sync, she and Rowan stood at the same time, taking a step toward the two surgeons. Her
father’s kind eyes were on her, but her own gaze must have been pleading enough that he didn’t
address her first. The woman spoke first. “She’s alive.”

Everyone in the room let out the longest breath they had, and Aelin wasn’t an exception. The
relief, it was almost as hard to take as the worry. Or maybe she was just feeling physically weak.
She held on Rowan’s uninjured arm to keep her upright as the woman went on. “I could repair the
damage done to her lungs, and there shouldn’t be too serious consequences, though she will need
regular checkup throughout her whole life now. But this is a brave little girl you have, Dr.
Whitethorn.”

Tears socked Aelin’s cheeks as she nodded. Yes, she was so, so brave. And she was going to be
fine. Rowan seemed to realize the same thing as he wrapped an arm around her shoulder, pressing
her against him. Helia was going to walk out of this hell of a place, and she would—

“She is brave,” her father said, though his voice… It didn’t sound right. “Her brain was more
swollen than we anticipated, it was pressing hard against the bone. The whole area was flooded
with blood. We could repair most of the damage done, but even know, her brain remains swollen.
More swollen than it should be.”

“W-What does that mean?” Aelin dared to ask.

“That we don’t know how much damage we are looking at until she wakes up by herself, which
could take time. Especially after such heavy trauma on her body.”

“How long?” Rowan asked, though she suspected he already know. Maybe he needed someone to
confirm was he dreaded to hear, or maybe he asked for her… But anyway, her discomfort didn’t
only come from the way he squeezed her shoulder.

“In the best-case scenario, hours, of course. But… More realistically, days. Maybe weeks. If she…
If she even wakes up,” her father said, his voice slightly quivering.

It was as if the floor fell under her feet. What did he mean by that? Would she never wake up?
Would her little body grow older and taller, all without the sparkling soul inhabiting it? “I don’t
believe it will happen,” her father said, and she didn’t understand how she ended seated on her
chair, her father’s hands holding hers as Rowan still stood motionless. “But it’s a possibility I must
warn you about, even if it’s impossibly slim. I promise, love, the past isn’t repeating itself.”

She knew it didn’t mean anything, that her father wasn’t God, and yet she breathed, “It always
repeats itself, dad.” It felt different to tell him such a thing, no matter how true it was. She shook
her head, her breathing quickening. She couldn’t stand to be there anymore, she couldn’t stand to
wait for the next bad news.
She tried to stand up, but her father pushed her back into her seat. She didn’t understand, there was
almost no one else in the room. Only she, her father, Rowan and Aedion. Rowan was standing, still
staring into the void, but this time Aedion was standing in front of him, hands of his shoulder,
trying to speak to him but he was perhaps too gone to hear anything. Maybe she was too, because
the buzzing noise in her ears faded as her father’s rough voice woke her up. “You are not running.
You will stay, you’ll go into her room and take her hand. No. Running.”

“You,” she breathed, a sob escaping her. “You ran.”

“And you’re not me,” he almost hissed. “Everyday of your life, you’ve shown that you are better
than I could ever hope to be, baby. You carried this family, you always were so, so strong, Aelin. I
ran because I’m weak. You’re not, and right now, I need you to strong again for little while. What I
did to you wasn’t fair, life was not fair to you, but you have the power to make it fairer for that girl.
For your girl. We can’t change the past, but you can forge your future.”

Then, she voiced what scared her. What had been eating at her for months, for years even. Her
voice quivered as she asked, “What if I’m not enough?”

His face hardened, “Never say such a thing about yourself. You stepped up when you didn’t have
to, you’re more than enough Aelin. Don’t overthink it, just let your love speak. Remember?
There’s no such thing as loving too much.”

She nodded, trying to breath in deep. Told to get a hold of herself. He was right, she’d already
stepped up.

And Helia… When she woke up, because she would, she didn’t deserve to feel the way Aelin had
years ago. No, when she will open her big, green eyes… Gods, Aelin was going to hold her so
tight.

And because she knew she could, Aelin gathered all her strength. She stood, and took the three
steps needed to be at Rowan’s side. With no hesitancy, she wrapped her hand around Rowan’s, and
he looked up at her. And maybe he saw something in her eyes, something that hadn’t been there
before, because he squared his shoulders back. “Let’s go see her.”

---

She didn’t run, but she cried. It was crazy how she could still cry even after all these hours. When
she saw Helia’s small body, bruised and that tube in her throat, helping her breathe, it’d been hard.
But she tried to ignore it, she made attraction of all these things. What she focused on was who was
under these tubes and bruises. Her beautiful Helia, and she couldn’t stand to see her on that bed too
big for her all alone. It seemed as if Rowan had had the same thought.

Without saying a word to each other, they both sat on chairs at opposite sides of the bed. They each
grabbed one of Helia’s tiny hands, and they didn’t let go.

Hours passed, and Aelin never said a word. When Aedion, Lorcan, her father or even Gavriel
came, offering her and Rowan any sort of things, whether it was food, drinks, fresh clothes, they
refused. She didn’t want to leave Helia’s side for a second.

But when the sun started to set, fatigue became stronger than her will. Keeping her eyes open was a
struggle, and when she looked at Rowan, be looked bad. Exhausted. But he didn’t look at as if he
was going to fall asleep in the next second.

His eyes shifted to hers, and his face softened slightly. “You can sleep, if you want.”
 She shook her head, “No, if she wak—”

“Then I’ll wake you up,” he assured her.

She stayed silent for a few seconds and asked, “Are you sure?”

He nodded. “Rest Aelin, you need it.”

“So do you,” she said, her voice turning raspy.

He shrugged, “You’ll do the same to me when you wake up.”

She almost wanted to smile at that, she lowered her head so it rested on the side of Helia’s leg.
“Deal,” she whispered, before she fell asleep in a breath.

---

Maybe minutes, or maybe hours later, she felt something being deposed onto her back, covering
her. She wasn’t exactly awake, but she felt an heard what happened around her. She also felt
warmth spread through her, thanks to the additional weight on her back. She was almost falling
back asleep when she heard someone ask, “Are you her boyfriend?”

Rowan.

Rowan asked that, she was pretty sure.

“Why would you think so?” Another man answered, his voice less familiar.

There were a few seconds of silence until Rowan answered, “She’s wearing her date shoes, and you
arrived together.”

“Her what?”

He’d noticed that she always wore the same shoes whenever she was on a date. How had he
noticed such a small detail? She felt as she was seen whole, and it nearly sent a shiver down her
spine. But still, she didn’t move, her eyes not opening.

“It does not matter,” Rowan answered, his voice slightly raspier than it usually is. Maybe it was
because of the fatigue, it must be. “Even if you already treat her well, treat her better. She always
deserves more.”

Silence, and then, “What is between me and Aelin is none of your business.”

Maybe the conversation kept on going, maybe she did hear a door close. But she would never
know, falling back asleep as quickly as she did earlier.

Chapter End Notes

I'm so sorry it took so long to update!

I actually really dislike this chapter, so please do tell me if it's garbage and doesn't
make any sense, I will rewrite it if I get bad echoes of it!

Anyway, I didn't update in so long because.... I passed my driver's test!!! Finally!!!!

And even better news, Monday I got accepted in a study abroad program for next year
so... Guess who will study for one year in the US!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so happy
 Chapter 49

Aelin was going crazy.

She couldn’t stand anymore the relentless beeping noises in the room. Each time a machine made a
sound, it sent her more over the edge. She had barely slept two hours before she woke up, and that
had been hours ago. Her hands were slightly shaking, something she had noticed only when she
was handed a cup of coffee and she’d nearly spilled the drink on her lap.

It wasn’t like her dress would be a great loss. She liked it, really, but after spending more than
twenty-four hours inside of it… Aelin wanted to burn that thing, and she was aware of how
dramatic it sounded. She couldn’t find it in herself to care.

Rowan wasn’t looking much better. She’d seen him doze off for maybe a few minutes before
waking with a sharp intake of breath, and then a guilty look appearing on his features. She was sure
those micro-naps didn’t help him rest. She wondered what he was thinking about, how he was
feeling. She knew it couldn’t be good, of course, and yet… She didn’t ask. It wasn’t her business,
they were just… coparents, now. What they were to each other in the past didn’t matter anymore.

He had moved on, and wasn’t she trying to do so as well? Even if her attempts thus far hadn’t been
prestigious, and all because of her. Sam was a great guy. Maybe two years ago, after Chaol, she
could have settled for someone like Sam. It would have been restful. Nothing of the passionate,
illicit affair she’d had with the man sitting in front of her.

Maybe she could have settled for something of the sort before, but she couldn’t. Not anymore.

But how can she be with someone and not burn for them? And not feel as if she could survive in a
world without feeling as if she was breathing for two? It was unhealthy, she knew that, and yet she
was growing to rather… not dislike that about herself. Her devotion to people.

If she could just control it, never let her love for others fade her love for herself… Life would be
easier. But she supposed that noticing it was already a good point.

She promised herself that if Helia woke up, she’d work on that.

The door of the bedroom opened, starling Aelin. She realized she was almost falling asleep again.
Fuck, she needed more coffee. Her father came in, followed by Lorcan. She sighed, leaning back
into her chair. “You’re like a blessing now, dad. May I get another cup of coffee, please?”

He looked at her feet, at the eleven empty cups of coffee she’d drank thus far. He gave her a tight
smile, “I think if you drink more, you’ll overdose.”

She shrugged, “I’m a tough girl, dad. I can handle it.”

He walked to her, laying a hand on her shoulder. “I’m sure of this, princess. But I think it’s time for
both of you to go home.”

“No,” Rowan protested.

Aelin agreed. “She’s still asleep. We are not leaving.”

Lorcan took a step in the room. “It’s why we are here. Let us take over for a while.”
Aelin was shaking her head, ready to protest, to affirm that they wouldn’t leave Helia’s side. Then,
her father said, “You’ve been here for more than two days, Aelin.”

She threw a look at Rowan, whose face reflecting her confusion. “No, I’ve just arrived last—”

“No, Aelin. He’s saying the truth,” Lorcan confirmed. “You both need a night of sleep, to eat
something real and change clothes.”

She shook her head. “I’m not going to Varese, it’s too far. I wouldn’t be there if—”

“You don’t need to,” her father said. “Aedion brought your dog, she’s at Fenrys’ apartment, and
Sam went all the way back to get you clothes. He’s just came back.”

Why must he be so difficult to reject? So sweet? She smiled and nodded. That was a nice thing to
do, really.

She didn’t miss the fact that Aedion had driven Fleetfoot to Fenrys. Was there where he was
staying?

“Come on man,” Lorcan urged Rowan, and she realized they might have been talking at the same
time as her and her father. “Look at Aelin, she’s on the verge of passing out.” She wanted to deny
it, but somehow she didn’t find the strength to do so. Maybe it was why she didn’t argue so much
with her father when he came in, because even if it went against her instincts to stay with Helia, she
knew he was right. “If she wakes up now, you’re no use to your daughter. You need to rest, then
you can help. We’ll stay right there; we won’t move an inch.”

Rowan looked at his daughter for a second, squeezing her hand. “You promise?” He asked his best
friend, as if he needed the reassurance. She looked at her own father then, a question in her eyes.
He nodded, yes, he’d stay here in her stead.

“I promise on my own child, Rowan,” Lorcan said with a serious voice. “Trust me.”

Her heart missed a beat, and she was glad to be seated. “On your what?” She struggled to say.

Lorcan’s eyes closed shut, and he swore. “Elide’s going to kill me. She wanted to tell you in
person, had planned to visit this weekend, but then…” Then, Helia had her accident.

“She’s pregnant?” She breathed.

Then something happened on Lorcan’s face. She was accustomed to see him closed, and
sometimes neutral when Elide was around. But now he looked… He looked happy. His hard
features turned soft. He nodded, a small smile on his lips. “We found out a week ago.”

She smiled then. She was happy for her friends, for her family. She was happy that everyone else’s
lives seemed to go just fine, that they were happy. She stood, daring to quickly wrap her arms
around Lorcan before pulling back as quickly. He was still Lorcan, she wouldn’t be caught in his
arms for fear of her reputation. “Congratulation.”

He smiled at her, leaving a hand on her shoulder and squeezing before letting go. “Thank you,
Aelin.”

“I didn’t even know it was in your plans,” she said. “Elide never told me about trying for a child.”

He shrugged, “We didn’t. That was the best kind of luck.”

She felt her smile flatter at his words, but even as they echoed in her, even as they weakened her
knees, Aelin forced her smile to stay bright. All eyes were on her, waiting for something she knew
was already rising in her. She slid her hands around her waist, wishing that goddamn dress of hers
had pockets. “If you’ll excuse me, I need to use the restroom,” she said, keeping her voice even as
she left the room without a look behind.

She knew she passed her friends outside of the room, if only because she heard her name being
called, but she was too deep in her feelings to even see them. The only things she heard were her
heartbeat and the heels of her shoes clicking on the floor.

The moment she entered that room and closed the door behind her, Aelin heaved for air. She
needed to breathe, to calm her mind.

She gasped, jumping of fear as she felt a warm thumb on her cheek, wiping away something. Tears.
Someone was wiping away her tears. With quivering lips, she looked up.

Rowan was standing in front of her, in an on-call room. The on-call room. Rowan didn’t say
anything. He lowered his uninjured hand, making eye contact. She shook her head, “I don’t want to
make this about me.”

“I know.”

“I’m very happy for them.”

“I know,” he answered again.

“They deserve all the happiness in the world,” she said, as if she was trying to convince herself.

“They do.”

It was as if she got stabbed as she finally got the words out, the ones that hurt. “Then why am I so
fucking jealous? Why do I want to—” she took a deep breath. “My friend is pregnant, the one who
supported me even when I pushed her away. I should be preparing the baby shower, Godsdamn it,
not… I shouldn’t wish to be her.”

“Aelin,” he said, not leaving a moment of quiet. “Give yourself credit. You are not your thoughts,
and you have many of those. One bad one doesn’t define you. We’re waiting for Helia to wake up,
sleep deprived. If I hadn’t known… I could have had the same thoughts, and that’s without
counting your…”

“Infertility?” She suggested. If he used any other words, an euphemism for it… she wouldn’t be
able to stand it.

“Yes,” he breathed. “You have the right to have bad thoughts.”

She huffed a laugh. Anyone else would have judged her, and yet this man… This man rocked her
world, as always. It was a dangerous game to stay here with him, because she knew with each
second that passed, it would be harder to leave. And yet she made no moves to leave.

“You don’t have to go back to Varese,” he said quietly. “Come back with me.” She shook her head,
but before she could say anything, he spoke again. “Helia lives there, you lived there for a while.
I’m not inviting you to some place you don’t know. Plus… If we get a call, it’s easier if we are at
the same place.”

“Less time wasted,” she murmured, and he nodded. And as she replicated the movement, accepting
his offer, she knew that she wasn’t doing so for the practicality of it all. She wanted to be near his
comfort.

---

As she drove Lorcan’s car, the road back to his place seemed so familiar. She drove slower than
she was used to, knowing how tired she was. Rowan couldn’t drive because of his injured arm, and
she didn’t wish to put him in danger. Her car was… Well, she didn’t know. Hadn’t thought to ask.
Rowan’s was apparently wrecked, which didn’t surprise her considering the damages done to both
Helia and him. Lorcan had given Rowan his keys, no questions asked.

He was tense beside her, which only made her slow more. Her heart melted in pain at the fear in
his eyes, at how hard he was gripping the door handle as if he was ready to jump out of the vehicle.

First his parents, then Lyria, and now… Well, he didn’t have a good track record with car crashes.
She admired his strength, climbing into a car so soon after. It’d taken her years before she could
even take a bath, and she hadn’t been the one to have an accident in the water. And yet Rowan, he
faced that… she wouldn’t say easily, but she envied him as much as she didn’t.

She knew he wanted to break, just that he… couldn’t. She enjoyed her freedom to break, to show
weakness. She just wished she was enough for him to rely on her, even if it wasn’t truly her place
anymore.

She parked in front of the familiar house, the place that had felt like home. She’d missed it very
much, if she allowed herself to be honest. “Do you need help getting out of the car?” She asked,
her voice slightly quivering. It must be because of the fatigue.

He simply shook his head, stepping out of the car and she followed in silence, the bag of clothes
her father gave her on her shoulder. She was glad she hadn’t seen Sam when she went back to the
room, or that she hadn’t seen Elide, as horrible as it sounded. She didn’t want to close herself up
per see, she did appreciate their support. She just really didn’t wish for the hard complications to
take place anytime soon.

Nothing had changed since the last time she’d been there, all the furniture were still at the same
place. The only thing that had changed were the toys scattered all around the room. She smiled at
the sight, her girl had grown up, and this was the proof of it. Why must time pass so quickly? Why
had she been away for so long, missing these parts of her life?

“Can I make some coffee?” she asked as she took off her shoes, sighing in relief.

He was standing in the middle of his living room, eyes rived on his daughter’s toys.

“Don’t need to ask,” he said, voice flat at barely louder than a whisper.

“Rowan,” she breathed, walking to his side. He didn’t seem to have heard her, to even notice her
until she laid a hand on his shoulder, which surprised him enough to have him turn his head toward
her. “Are you alright?”

He didn’t answer for a second, then another, and another. He shook his head, as if he was trying to
regain his sense. “Of course, I’m doing great.”

She hated the sound of these words on his tongue, hated the untruthfulness. “We don’t lie to each
other, Rowan,” she whispered. “Don’t do that.”

There was a flash of something in his eyes, and then it was gone before she could ask about it. He
shook his head, “Nevermind, Aelin. I’m feeling as good as you are.”

She snorted at that. “Then good luck.”

His eyebrows furrowed a little more, but before he could ask, she turned around and made her way
into the familiar kitchen. Rowan followed suit, and instead of going for the coffee machine like she
did, he opened the refrigerator. He took out cheese and butter, and then closed the fridge’s door,
and took out bread and two knives.

She finished pouring her cup of coffee and asked him if he wanted one, he shook his head. “Come
eat.”

“I’m not—” he gave her a look that pinned her in place, and she nodded, knowing he wouldn’t
accept her refusal. She swallowed and went to stand across from him, spreading butter and cheese
on a spice of bread. It wasn’t the best of meals, but it would do. They ate in silence, and the weight
of food in her stomach made her feel sick. Or perhaps it was all the coffee, the thought was enough
for her to push away her cup. She wouldn’t make herself sick, she’d lived through enough these
past few days, she wouldn’t humiliate herself now.

“Last thing I told her was that she was insufferable,” Rowan said, voice almost quiet.

“Rowan,” she breathed, her heart breaking.

“She rambled all day about going to that goddamn theme park with you this weekend, literally all
day,” he said, closing his eyes. “And then she threw a tantrum, saying that I didn’t love her because
I didn’t want to take her to another theme park the week after. I told her I had to work, and then she
said I loved my job more than her, where the fuck did she hear that? She threw mean words at me,
and she fucking reminded me of myself, I told her she was…” he lost a ragged breath, and her heart
squeezed in her chest. “Then, the car hit us.”

“She knows that you love her,” Aelin said, convinced. “She won’t remember it, and even if she
does, you’ll tell her how much you love her when she wakes up.”

“She never thought that I didn’t love her before,” he hissed, but she knew it wasn’t out of anger at
her. More at the situation, at life.

“You’re human, Rowan, it’s okay to break sometimes. And… she’s changed, this past year,” she
whispered. Aelin had noticed. The girl was more irritable, more sensible. She always needed
reassurance, which Aelin provided a lot of. But still, she noticed that the number of tantrums she
threw was just growing.

Rowan nodded, and there wasn’t much else she could say. Whatever she could come up with,
whatever reasonable arguments she could give him, he won’t believe it until he gets the chance to
fix things.

She looked around, and she was surprised at the rush of sadness that hit her. This was the place
where she used to eat breakfast every morning, the place where she’d laugh and cry her hardest.
The place where she was part of a family. Where Helia was now growing up, so, so far away from
her. Where Helia was clearly struggling, and Aelin couldn’t offer her more than a weekend
occasionally.

Aelin could even believe she was responsible for that shift in the girl’s demeanor. She was the one
that left, and yes, she had known it had affected her at some degree but… Was she hurt so much
that she was now snapping at her father? Doubting his love?
Wasn’t the doubt of a parent’s love that had led Aelin down that destructive path she had so
eagerly followed?

She would never allow her daughter to do the same.

Never.

“I think I will stay,” she told Rowan, and her voice didn’t tremble as she thought it would.

He nodded, “I told you that you could, Aelin. Take my bedroom, I’ll sleep on the couch.”

She bit the inside of her cheek. “I-I meant in Doranelle.” He looked up then, his eyes slightly
widened. She went on, feeling the need, the urge, to explain her plans. “I’ll stay with my dad for a
while, and then I’ll rent an apartment downtown. It’ll be easier to see Helia, it could be good for
her. I could help you, too, when you’re working and need someone to take care of her.”

He was so, so still. “What about your mental health?”

She swallowed, “I’m doing better, and she makes me happy. I’m learning how to
compartmentalize.”

“You have this new school,” he said, voice flat as a rush of warm hit her skin.

“They have a campus in Doranelle, I could apply there.”

She had his entire focus on her, and she felt pinned under his gaze. She couldn’t read him, had they
spent that long apart?

And then, he laughed.

He laughed, passing a hand over his head. “I-I’m sorry,” he said between laughs, looking back at
her, sending him into another fit of laughter as she stood, entirely confused. Had he lost his
goddamn mind?

He leaned into the counter, his elbows resting there, and his face hidden in his hands. But then, the
sound of laughter changed.

His chest was shaking for another reason, one that had her even more petrified than his strange
laughter.

Rowan Whitethorn was crying.

Aelin rushed to his side, but the moment she laid a hand on his shoulder, he jumped away from her
touch. She was under shock and surprise as she looked up at him, and the pain on his face was
enough to have her own eyes burn. “Please, don’t touch me.”

She nodded, “Alright, I’m sorry.”

He closed his eyes, taking a deep breath in. “Go to sleep, Aelin.”

She squared her shoulders, “Don’t order me around, I want to help you, Rowan, you won’t push me
away.”

His voice broke, and so did his soul, as he said: “You’re the one who pushed me away.” She
recoiled at the words, her bottom lip wobbling. But he kept going, even with the tears staining his
beautiful brown skin. “You left, I tried everything I could, but you left. And I begged you, I begged
you to come back to me, to come back to us, you said you couldn’t. Because this place wasn’t good
for you, because of your school. But what you meant all along was that you wouldn’t come back
for me.”

“That’s not wh—”

“Aelin, please,” he begged her. “Right now, when I look at you, all I see is the reminder that I’m.
Not. Enough. And I don’t know how long I can still live like this, Aelin, and watching you now…
It’s too fucking painful.”

“You think looking at you isn’t painful too? That it’s not killing me?” She breathed. “My whole
life, I have been replaceable, all the time. I have wanted to come back, at least since my birthday,
and I was so close to coming back home, just to hear from our daughter that you’ve moved on.
That you replaced me, just the way my parents did my whole life.” She was breathless, and his
eyes were wide open, his mouth parted. “So, it hurts? Deal with it, because being around you kills
me.”

There were a few seconds of silence, when only their heavy breathing. Then, “I replaced you? Are
you joking, you’re the one who came here with your little boyfriend, you’re still wearing his
jacket.”

“What?” She asked, shocked. “Sam isn’t my—He’s just—Why should I even explain myself for a
kiss? You have sleepovers. And by the way, your daughter isn’t a fan of your little girlfriend.”

“I don’t have a girlfriend,” he said, so matter-of-factly that she nearly believed him.

“Helia said you did, Fenrys did, all of your friends know, and we both know that you aren’t good at
hiding relationships. I cut,” she said, voice breaking on the word, “contact with Fenrys because he
didn’t tell me about you and Remelle, I lost my friend, so don’t lie to me. Please,” she begged, “At
least have the respect to not lie to my face.”

“Remelle?” He frowned, taking a step in her direction. “No, no. It wasn’t like that Aelin.”

“Have you slept with her?” Aelin asked, already knowing the answer. She knew she had no right
resenting him for seeing other women, they weren’t an item anymore… and yet, it would still
make her sick.

“She kissed me, once,” he admitted. “Nothing else.”

She nodded, a knot in her throat. “Did you like it?”

“Did you like kissing Sam?”

She shook her head, “No. I didn’t.”

“Me neither,” he admitted, and she desperately wished to believe him.

And she realized that she could. That he’d never lied to her for anything other than her protection,
and that he wouldn’t… “Why, then? Why did Helia tell me she was over at your house all the
time?”

He looked away for a second and then looked back at her. “She is divorcing her husband, and… I
don’t know, I wanted to show her that the world could be a happy place. That one bad relationship
didn’t mean the end of the world, that she could make friends. Then, she came over more and
more, because she felt alone. Until one day she kissed me, and she hasn’t been in this house ever
since.”

“Oh,” she breathed, feeling lighter. He nodded, and she passed a hand through her knotted hair. “I
wanted to call you, on my birthday.”

He took a step in her direction, and she didn’t take a step back. She stayed right where she was.
Maybe it was the fatigue, maybe it was her mind finally deciding to stop fighting. “What would
you have said?” He took another step in her direction, closing up the gap between them.

She looked up, her entire body feeling as if she would collapse. “That I had a talk with my father.
That I knew you fought for me, that you were ready to fight the hospital for me. That I knew you
had no other choice.”

One more step, and she could feel his warmth spreading through her. One more step and he would
be flushed to her body. Somehow, she still didn’t pull away.

Not anymore.

“Is that it?” He asked.

She shook her head. “I would have told you… I miss you. You’re enough, you’ve always been to
me, and that I want you. That I have never felt as whole as I am with you, and that I don’t think I
can be really happy so far from you. I tell you, now, that I want to kiss every single one of your
scars, and forget about what has been done to us in the past. Because this could be… This could be
the start of our new life, no more secrets, no more fears, we just heal, grow and love.”

He didn’t move, but she did. She took that last step, and then there was just Rowan. Her Rowan.

New tears escaped his eyes, but they weren’t the same as before. They were… good ones. They
couldn’t truly be happy right now, not with Helia still asleep, but… They were as close as they
could be.

“You’re not going back to Varese,” he said.

She shook her head. “I’m not.”

“You’re staying here, not with your father.”

She cocked her head to the side, “What if it’s too fast?”

He mirrored her gesture, “Since when do we care about the rules?”

And that pulled a grin out of her. He was right. They’d lost enough time already.

“Can I hug you?” He asked.

“Not kiss me?”

He shook his head. “No, I’ll do that when we wake up tomorrow, and when I’m sure this is what
you want.”

She could tell him that she was sure, that she couldn’t get more real and raw than she was now, but
she knew what he meant. They were never stickers for the rules, but he wanted to make things right
this time. So, Aelin rose on her tiptoes and she wrapped her arms around Rowan, careful at not
putting pressure on his bad arm.
He pressed her to her, and it was as if she was breathing for the first time in month. His smell was
intoxicating, the feeling of his skin and his hair… She loved it, loved him.

She felt at peace as she fell asleep with his hand in hers, as if nothing could ever happen to her
anymore. As if being with Rowan had just fixed almost everything wrong in the universe. It was
truly them now, and the thought was as scary as it was exciting.

The thing was, Aelin didn’t listen to her fears. Only to her heart.
 Chapter 50

“Thank you again for taking Fleetfoot in,” Fenrys told Aedion’s father, standing in his kitchen.
“She’ll be happier here with the garden and all.”

Aedion was mildly uncomfortable as his father grabbed Fenrys’ shoulder, and he smiled at him.
“No need to thank me, boyo. I’m here to help.”

Boyo.

Gods, why did his father have to use that name? He called Aedion the same way from time to time.
It just created that… link between them. A connection that Aedion didn’t want.

It had been logical to raise the idea of asking his father to keep an eye on Aelin’s dog. The Gods
knew she wasn’t capable of doing it now, and while Fleetfoot had seemed to take a liking to
Fenrys’ couch… He didn’t have any outdoor space for her. Neither did Aedion and Aelin back at
home, but there was always someone home to take her on multiple walks a day. But between
Fenrys’ job and Aedion’s insistence to stay near his cousin in case she needed it, he felt bad for
leaving the dog alone so much.

Hence, Fenrys’ presence.

Aedion was grumbling on the couch, finishing the last sip of his drink. He didn’t waste time before
pouring himself another. It wasn’t as if he had anything to do tonight, as he’d been kicked out of
the hospital just like Aelin had been.

The place beside him on the couch lowered, and Aedion’s body stiffened. He knew who had just
sat behind him. He threw a look to the side and watched as Fenrys poured himself another drink as
well, as if they had finished theirs at the same time.

It struck him deep in his guts how beautiful the man was.

It wasn’t like he hadn’t known, he had for years.

He had known since the first time they met. Aedion had been the one to start the conversation
there, at ones of Aelin’s parents dinner. They had this habit of holding a dinner on her birthday,
only to allow them to forget that it used to be Celaena’s birthday too. He’d come to keep company
to Aelin, but he hadn’t been able to find her and he only caught sight of her when he slipped
upstairs with Fenrys, she was talking to someone else outside. Instead, he met Fenrys. They hadn’t
talked long before they ended up in one of the guest rooms, deprived of their clothes.

He'd forgotten about that, about the man, until a year ago when he saw him again in that bar. But
he’d been under Lysandra’s spell then. After that, when he moved away with Aelin, Fenrys spent
most of his free time in their apartment. Somehow, he had never let Aelin or Aedion feel like he
pitied them, even if he probably had been.

One night, they’d been drunk, and it had turned into more. He kissed Aedion, slow enough to make
his knees wobble. They had never spoken of it again, so much that Aedion had convinced himself
it hadn’t happened. Until Yulemas, when Aedion got scared and pushed him away before things
could turn heated. He wished he had enough restrain to stay it was the last time they’d touched
each other, and it would have been. If it hadn’t been for Aelin’s birthday.

“Cheers,” Fenrys said, holding his glass to Aedion. He watched him for a second, before giving in,
clinking their glasses together. They stayed in silence for a while, something Aedion appreciated.
He had never seen Fenrys stay silent for a long time, so much that he suspected the man to have
some sort of attention disorder, except when it was just the two of them.

He'd noticed, but he never dared to bring it up.

“Is she going to be fine?” Aedion asked, breaking the silence. He wished for Fenrys’ input, if only
because he knew how much everyone relied on him.

“Helia or Aelin?”

Aedion huffed a humorless laugh. “Both, I guess.”

Strangely, Aedion didn’t startle at the hand Fenrys placed on his knee. He swallowed with
difficulty, nervously looking at the man without really looking at him. “I’m convinced Helia will
wake up.”

He nodded. Good, that was good. He didn’t have the connection Aelin had with the girl, of course.
Because he was convinced Helia and Aelin had to be some sort of platonic soulmates. He never
saw his cousin fight harder than she did for Helia. She had always been strong, he knew that, but
when it was for Helia… She looked like a superhuman.

But he had grown attached to Helia, enough to almost consider her like a niece. Which she was if
she kept considering Aelin was her mother. And if Aelin kept occupying that post.

“What about Aelin?” the words were choked, as if his worry was too heavy for him to voice the
fears that had been building. Would Aelin be okay if Helia didn’t wake up? Would she be okay
once the girl did? He didn’t know how many hardships she could still live.

“Rowan’s there,” Fenrys breathed. “He knows better than us how to help her. She’s strong, have
some trust in her.”

“He’s moved on,” Aedion added, with an accusatory tone. “It broke something in her to know that,
Fen.”

He shook his head. “It’s nothing serious. He loves her more than anything. Trust me, the only way
they will get out of this is together.”

Aedion flexed his fingers, staring down. “She deserves better.”

“She’s only ever wanted him.”

“I know,” he breathed. He just wished she hadn’t been so hurt in the process.

He heard Fenrys take another sip of his drink, and then he asked, “But how are you?”

His head snapped up, “What do you mean?”

“You worry for them, so I’ll worry for you as you don’t seem to do it yourself.”

His lips parted, “I don’t need your—”

“You lost your mom, then your cousin, then you were used in a disgusting way. Now a girl you’ve
come to love is hurt. I think it’s more than fair for me to worry about you. So I repeat, Aedion,” the
way he said his name sent shivers down his spine. This wasn’t his loud, foul-mouthed way to talk.
No, it was quiet. Intimate. Lovely. “How are you?”
He couldn’t stand the weight of Fenrys’ gaze anymore, so he looked away and downed his glass of
whiskey. “I’m perfect.”

He didn’t believe it, but he didn’t call him out on it either. Fenrys moved imperceptivity closer to
him, and Aedion didn’t allow his body to stiffen. No, instead, he tried to relax with Fenrys’ scent
around him.

He found himself wanting to lean into him, maybe to place his head on his shoulder. If he was
truly wild, he could imagine himself wrapping his arms around Fenrys.

But he couldn’t. Because if he allowed himself that, then it would over for him. He would rely on
him, in the way that love make you rely on people for your own happiness. And he couldn’t,
because he wasn’t sure he could survive another heart break.

As if he felt that, Fenrys pulled back. Aedion looked up, and he found Fenrys to be…
uncomfortable. There was a glim in his eyes, one he wasn’t used to see. And yet… He recognized
it all too well. Sadness. Disappointment.

Aedion said nothing as Fenrys stood, rubbing his hands on his jeans. “I should probably go, it’s
late, you know…”

“I under—”

“None of that,” Aedion’s father said, entering the living room. God, that man was noisy. He loved
his father but… sometimes, yes, he had the habit of sticking his nose where it didn’t belong. “You
have drunk tonight, so give me these car keys.”

Fenrys’ eyes widened. “I haven’t even drunk that much, and it’s not like I can catch a bus at this
hour—”

“Good, because you’re staying over,” he smiled, handing his hand, waiting for Fenrys’ keys.

“Dad…”

But he ignored him.

Fenrys chuckled. “I swear, you’re all so stubborn in this family, it’s almost unbelievable.” He
placed his car keys in Aedion’s father hand, and the man smiled at him.

“Thank you. Aedion can give you some stuff to sleep in, and show you his room.”

---

With Fenrys under the shower, Aedion was free to drink alone in the kitchen. He enjoyed that time
to himself, until his father came in, with that look on his face that said he was two seconds away
from giving his son one of his speeches.

“He seems like a good man,” Gavriel noted, watching Aedion from afar.

He shrugged, looking at the brown liquid in his glass. “He’s a good friend. Always there for
Aelin.”

A huff of a laugh. “Either you’re blind, or you’re purposefully blinding yourself.”

His head snapped up. “What is that supposed to mean?”

There was no hesitation on his face, to trace or humor as he said, “He looks at you like he loves
you.”

It was Aedion’s time to huff. “He—It’s not—”

“Hey,” his father said, standing in front of him now. “You care for him, that much I know. But do
you love him?”

He was struck by that question, even if he should be. He had asked himself that same thing
multiple times, every time he spent time with the blond. Every time he thought about him.

He asked himself that question multiple times a day.

His fists tightened, only to realize his limbs were shaking. “Even if I do it doesn’t matter.”

He frowned, “Why, boyo?”

He gridded his teeth, taking a deep breath. He could say it, to his father he knew he could.
“Because I’m scared.”

His father’s eyes softened, “Oh, Aedion.”

He shook her head, “Don’t do that.”

Gavriel’s lips thinned. “Do you why I wasn’t here for the first few years of your life?”

Aedion’s breath caught in his throat. They never… They were good, now. They got along, and
Aedion could admit that he loved his father. But he was still angry, and he knew his father was
aware of that. He had apologized thousands of times, but after a while and many fights, they have
ignored that part of their life. It simply made it easier.

“I loved your mother more than I loved anything in the world, but all these feelings… I got scared.
More than scared, actually. My father used to hit me when I was a kid, you know. I’m healed now,
but I wasn’t. I wasn’t ready for commitment, you mother was okay with that, we were just stupid
college students, you know. Until she got pregnant. Then I lost my mind, and it’s still the thing I’m
the more ashamed of. I-I thought that I couldn’t ruin a baby’s life, that I might… That in some
way, I would hurt you and mess you up. I ran, because I wanted to protect you, only this was the
worst mistake of my life.”

“That’s not the—”

“I know, the circumstances are different. What I mean is… fear makes you do stupid things,
Aedion. I’ve hurt you; life has hurt you. Enough people have hurt you, so don’t do this to yourself
as well. Go where happiness is.”

His eyes were burning. “What if I end up hurt anyway?”

He smiled, “What if you don’t?”

Maybe it was stupid, but he believed it. What if he doesn’t get hurt?

Something blossomed in him. Hope. He was nourishing hope.

His lips parted, and his father smiled. “Go.”

In an instant, Aedion was sprinting upstairs. He took the stairs two at a time, gripping the railing.
When he arrived upstairs, the door to the bathroom was slightly opened, with no light coming out
of the room. He was done with his shower.

Aedion didn’t allow doubt to enter his mind again, he didn’t wait before pushing the door to his
bedroom open. Fenrys was there, standing shirtless with sweatpants hanging low on his hips as he
folded his day clothes. His hair wasn’t tied in his usual man-bun anymore, the long wavy strands
fell over his shoulder. His head snapped up as he saw Aedion enter the room, and his mouth
opened.

Except that Aedion didn’t let him speak.

He crossed the room in less than a second, and it took half of that time for Aedion to grab his face
and slam their lips together. It was as if he was set abrase, his entire body lighting up.

Fenrys gasped, but his response was immediate. A hand slid in his hair, while the other grabbed
Aedion’s hip, flushing their bodies together. Aedion’s own hands travelled down Fenrys’s chest,
his mouth opening, letting in the other man.

As Aedion’s hand went lower, his fingertips brushing the hem of the grey sweatpants Fenrys wore,
the man pulled away.

They were both breathless, and although they lips weren’t touching anymore, their hands didn’t let
go of each other. Fenrys’ eyes were looking for something on his face, and… There was worry,
there, as well.

“Aedion,” he breathed. “What is that?”

His chest rose and fell quickly, “I thought it was clear.”

He shook his head. “I can’t, I’m sorry. I-This means a lot to me. I can’t just hook up with you when
we’re drunk anymore, I told you that on Aelin’s birthday. I can help you, but not like that.”

He shook his head. “No, not like that anymore. I want this for real this time.”

Fenrys’ eyes sparkled, “For real?”

Aedion nodded. “Yeah. I want you.”

---

He was beautiful. That was Aelin’s first thought as she watched Rowan sleep. She was facing him,
and she dared to pass her hand lightly over his cheek, and replaced a piece of hair that was falling
onto his face. She had missed waking up with him, missed being wrapped in his scent and warmth.
She had first believed she was dreaming when she felt the weight of his arm draped over her waist
this morning, but when she opened her eyes… She knew it was reality.

“Good morning,” he grumbled, and she bit her cheek. She didn’t even feel guilty for waking him
up.

Even if she tried, she couldn’t keep her smile to herself. Damn it. She wasn’t at her happiest, for
quite obvious reasons, but… She was happy to be here, in his arms. “How’d you sleep?” She asked
softly.

Rowan’s arm around her waist tightened, and he brought her closer to his body. He laid a kiss on
her temple, and her stomach flipped. She allowed herself to pass a hand over his waist, too. She felt
exhilarated as she touched his bare skin. It had been so, so long. “I feel better,” he answered.
“You?”

She nodded. Her father had been right, she had needed the sleep. She looked up to meet his eyes,
and he was already staring intensely at him. Her heart skipped a beat, and she unconsciously wet
her lips. “I was promised a kiss.”

He raised an eyebrow, sleep still marking his features. “You were?”

She nodded, a little sheepish. “Yeah, I was. By a man whom I trust to keep his promises.”

Something gleamed in his eyes. He knew this wasn’t only about this kiss. He’d made a promise, a
year ago. To always love her. To never let her go. And she believed him, believe that he would
hold on to that promise. He had never been truly gone, anyway.

“I’m sure he will,” Rowan said quietly, as if he was afraid the tone of his voice could shatter this
moment.

Aelin had waited a year, even more. She was done with the waiting. She placed her lips against
him, the hand that was on his waist grabbed him more forcefully as she pushed herself against him,
and as he flushed her against his warmth. Her mouth opened, letting him in just like she had done
in her life, in her heart and in her soul. He groaned, a hand grabbing the back of her head as he
pushed her on her back, settling between her legs. This was a dance they had perfected for months
but hadn’t played in so, so long. Aelin closed her legs around his hips, keeping him the closest to
her she could.

Both her hands held his hand right where he was, she wasn’t willing to break that kiss just yet.
There was nothing calm about the way they kissed.

They devoured each other, that was more like it.

And as he always did, Rowan Whitethorn turned her blood into fire, burning every inch of her skin.
She tightened the hold she had on his hips as his tongue stroked her, as his hand pulled at her hair
slightly.

With her heels, she tried to push his sweatpants out of the way. He gasped, a hand slipping under
her chin, changing the angle of her head to kiss her deeper. “Aelin,” he whispered her name.
“Baby.”

“Hm?” She barely managed to let out.

He broke the kiss first, resting his forehead against hers. “I love you.”

She opened her eyes to find him staring right into her soul. The part where only him had been
allowed. “I love you more than anything.”

Their breathings were heavy, they did nothing to look at each other. Because they could now.
Because they weren’t separated anymore. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I don’t think I can—”

She cut him off with a kiss, because she knew. She understood. And there were no places for
apologies between them. “I’m hungry,” she said, “I missed your pancakes.”

He grinned, “Then allow me to indulge you, lady.”

He pulled away, and as he rolled over the bed to seat on the edge he winced. She sat in a second,
kneeling behind him. “Shit, I forgot about your arm. Ro, I’m sorry, I’ll get you—”

He cut her off by grabbing her chin and kissing her, and her brain turned molten. But not enough to
not recognize how he had used her own technique against her. “It’s okay, Aelin. I’m okay.” Again,
the words they exchanged held a deeper meaning. She wouldn’t lose him. He was fine. She chased
away the thought that someone else might not be okay, that she might lose that person. Negativity
and worry wouldn’t help. Rowan stood, lowering his eyes to watch her as she admired his shirtless
beauty. She looked up, biting her lips. His eyes darkened and she supposed she must be quite a
sight to see, kneeling on his bed only dressed in one of his shirts.

Yes, Aedion had packed her pajamas.

Yes, she had entirely ignored them in the bag he prepared.

He held out his hand to hers—the one attached to the good arm—and she took it, allowing him to
lead her to the kitchen. She sat on the counter, watching him cook in silence as he prepared her
pancakes. He was struggling a little with only one arm, but he categorically refused any help from
her.

From time to time, he’d stop mixing the batter or took a break between two pancakes to stand
between her legs and kiss her, ravishing her with only his lips against hers. Every time they parted;
she was breathless. And every time, he had that stupid smirk on his face.

She loved that smirk.

While they weren’t rushing to the hospital—although they wanted to—it was impossible to notice
how their shoulders were tense, how they looked at their phone every minute, how they rushed to
the electronic device each time a notification made it ring.

When he was done cooking, Aelin was grinning, kicking her feet in the air. Rowan shook his head,
a silly smile on his face. He parted her legs and pulled on her knees to make her sit at the edge of
the counter. The shirt, which was so long it fell mid-thigh, rose higher to the edge of her backside.
She gasped, but Rowan shut her up with a kiss.

His hands on her bare thighs burned her, and she gasped more as they rode up her thigh. She held
on to his hair, they were long enough to do so now, and they both cursed at the same time as
Rowan’s hand made its way between her thigh, and as things turned heavier, as they turned more
serious and carnal, Aelin’s heart stopped beating as she heard her phone and Rowan’s ring at the
same time. They broke apart and jumped on their phone, Aelin’s hand trembling as she accepted
her father’s call. She didn’t even let him the chance to speak, to say anything, before she said,
“We’re on our way.”

The next minutes passed too slowly. She ran upstairs, jumping into a pair of sweatpants way too
big for her, but she didn’t have time to put on the jeans Aedion had prepared, as well as a pair of
socks. She grabbed a sweatshirt for Rowan and ran downstairs, throwing him the garment as he put
on his shoes, just for her to do the same.

Once seated in her car, her hands were moist, and she tentatively looked at him. “Can I drive fast?”

He swallowed, and she knew it must be a struggle for him to be there. She looked at his clothes,
and if she was in the same state… Well, it was pathetic, but it was what it was. They hadn’t even
had time to shower, godsdamn it. “I trust you,” he answered, and it was enough for her to turn on
the car.
In less than ten minutes, they were at the hospital. Aelin’s heart beat wildly as Rowan grabbed her
hand and they both walked to Helia’s room. Maybe it wasn’t the moment, maybe her priorities
weren’t straight but… She couldn’t help herself from appreciating how they were able to walk into
this building and just… show that they were together.

No more hiding in Rowan’s office, no more leaving ten minutes before Rowan and waiting for him
in his car. They could simply and unapologetically be together. He looked back at her, and it was
as if he thought the same. He squeezed her hand, and she fought the temptation to kiss him.
Instead, they rushed in their daughter’s room. They barged in. Her father, Lorcan and Elide stood,
and she knew they noted the way she and Rowan held onto each other. She was prepared to see big
green eyes look up at her but… Helia was still asleep.

She let go of Rowan’s hand and he sat on Helia’s side, rubbing her leg. “She’s not awake?”

Her father laid his hands on her shoulder. “That’s why we called you, she’s waking up. It’s not like
the movies, it takes time. Her brain and cardiac activity quickened, but she is full of meds to fight
the pain, which for someone as little as her, makes it harder for her to wake up. But she will, soon.”

Aelin’s lips quivered and she nodded, eyes burning. “She’s waking up?”

He nodded and smiled at her. He passed a hand over her cheek, just like he used to when she was
little. She wrapped her arms around his neck. “Thank you, dad.”

He held her tight, and she felt the tension in his body. “I love you, baby. I’ll always be there.”

Her lips tightened as she pulled back, and she tried to give him a tentative smile. She went to
Helia’s side, sitting across from Rowan. She grabbed Helia’s hand, leaning in to pass a hand over
her hair. “Hey baby, Daddy and I are here. Take all your time, we’re waiting for you.” The words
stuck in her throat, “We’re not leaving your side.”

Rowan turned around, looking at Elide and Lorcan. Gods, Aelin hadn’t even congratulated Elide…
She’d do it soon, under better conditions. “You don’t have to stay, you’ve done enough.” She
knew he was giving Lorcan an out. After all, he did look… awful. Sleep-deprived. But she had
looked the same yesterday, so Aelin kept any remark she might have to herself.

Lorcan shook his head. “We’d like to stay, if you’re okay with that. I-I want to make sure she’s
okay.”

Rowan nodded, and she knew it was his way to thank his friend. Aelin turned to her dad, and she
wondered if he would leave. But he didn’t seem inclined to do so. “Dad?”

“Do you want me gone?”

She shook her head. She… liked having him there. “Can you call Aedion, please? Tell him, and
ask him to bring… everyone else with him. They’ll want to be there for her.”

He nodded, kissing the top of her head before he left the room to make the phone calls. Lorcan and
Elide sat together, and they all waited. But it was okay, because Aelin was getting her baby back.
 Chapter 51

The only thing Aelin thought to do as she saw beautiful green eyes staring right back at her, was
thanking the Gods. Perhaps they existed. If they did, they were bastards, but… It was a miracle, to
see Helia’s eyes open again. Two hours ago, Helia had woken up.

She and Rowan had all but thrown themselves at her side, urging her to not speak because her
throat would hurt, that she was okay. That she was safe. After a few minutes, she had been able to
relax, which allowed Rhoe to examine her. Aelin was glad that he was Helia’s doctor, even if she
was sure there was some sort of conflict of interest there. She didn’t ask, neither did anyone else.
She supposed everyone was glad to keep things intimate.

Now that she thought about it, she hadn’t really seen other doctors around. Yes, the five men were
closer to each other than to anyone else, but she remembered them still socializing. But from what
she’d seen… they hadn’t really talked to anyone else. She hoped, truly hoped, that it had nothing to
do with her.

It’d been two hours now, and Helia was sleeping. It was normal, they said, she was exhausted.
They were ready to give her as much time as she needed. She still needed to take a few tests, but
everyone had agreed to not overwhelm her as her panic could false the results.

Aelin was alone in the room with Helia, laying her head on the girl’s bed. Rowan had gone home
with Lorcan to pick up clothes and supplies, as they’d managed to negotiate a way to spend the
night here. She was glad, she didn’t want to be away from her little girl anymore.

She turned her head and smiled, eyes on Helia. She still looked pretty, even with the few cuts on
her face. Nothing would make her look less good. Every day that passed, she only looked more and
more wonderful. She would be ravishing as an adult, and Aelin couldn’t wait for all the heart
attacks she would give her father.

“You look awfully cozy here.”

Aelin startled, turning toward the voice. When she saw who stood in the doorway, Aelin stood, as
if shielding Helia. Helia, who was the only reason why Aelin was focusing on her breathing, why
she wasn’t letting her anger in. “Get out.” She was surprised at how leveled her voice stayed, how
it didn’t tremble.

Lysandra Ennar shook her head, sending Aelin a small, fake smile and took a step into the room. “I
brought flowers.”

Aelin crossed her arms, staying where she was. “You need to stay twenty feet from her. Get out.”

“I know,” Lysandra said. “But you want me here, believe me.”

Everything on her tongue tasted sour. “I want to kill you, yes, and I might if you stay here.”

Lysandra chuckled, the sound light and sweet just like everything about her. “You grew some
claws, I’m glad. Truly.” She seemed… genuine. That was perhaps the worst. “But again, you want
me here.”

Aelin cocked her head to the side. She only had so much patience. “And why’s that? Because I
need a friend to hold my hand and a shoulder to cry on?”
A huff. “Because I know who did this.”

Aelin’s entire body stiffened, and she reached a hand behind her for Helia, making sure she was
still there. Lysandra observed the gesture, and it was her turn to cock her head to the side. “You
actually act like a mother. It’s crazy.”

“Crazy that some people have feelings and aren’t sociopath just like you are? I know, shocking.”

Something flashed in Lysandra’s eyes. She didn’t used to have these expressions before. She was
always… sweet and kind. It was as if the woman Aelin had known had never existed. Perhaps she
hadn’t, or perhaps she had until her parents’ death. Whichever it was, she didn’t wish to dwell on
that. She was a grown adult, making her own choices. And Lysandra had chosen to be a royal
bitch. “She’s cute.”

“Get out,” Aelin repeated. “Stay away from my daughter.”

“I’m not the one you should be worried about, you know. I don’t take my wrath on people who
didn’t wrong me, and this sweet little pea did nothing wrong.”

“Yeah, because me and my cousin have done anything to hurt you,” she snapped.

“You already know what you did, and Aedion was just collateral. Thing is, that girl did nothing to
me, and I would even less try to take a daughter away from a parent. All I wanted was for you to be
miserable alone or trying to kill you.”

“So, you have limits?” Aelin asked, humor on her tongue. If the bitch didn’t leave in the next two
minutes… “But please, do humor me.”

“Who do you think could have done it? It’s that degenerate who loves to hurt girls younger than
him.”

Aelin’s entire body went cold, not only at who she meant but what she implied… No, Aelin didn’t
have to care. Even with the hurt in Lysandra eyes, it wasn’t Aelin’s preoccupation anymore.

“Arobynn, really? After all this time?”

“He just came out of rehab,” Lysandra said, and Aelin was surprised at the slight hesitation in her
voice. “And yes, he used to be mad at you, but he hates Whitethorn just as much now. Enough to
be a fucking psycho and do this.”

Aelin took another step in her direction, hoping to put as much distance between her and Helia.
“Why should I believe you?”

But the way Lysandra spoke, Aelin could only be convinced. She was sure she was telling the
truth. “I already told you, I’m not in the business of breaking an innocent girl’s life and taking her
away from a parent.”

Aelin kept her chin high, “And what am I supposed to do in exchange for this information?” Even
with such motivations, Aelin didn’t think Lysandra would do this for entirely selfless reasons.

A glance behind Aelin, toward the sleeping little girl. “I still wish you the worst, but… Take care
of that girl. Don’t let her get messed up like us, will you?”

“Don’t compare yourself to Aelin,” a deep voice said from the second doorway, this one just beside
Helia’s bed. This wasn’t an entryway accessible to the public, but doctors had access to it. “And
get out of here before I call the police.”

Lysandra’s face turned predatory. “Professor Whitethorn, my favorite rule breaker! How are you
faring? How wonderful it must be to not hide anymore.” There was something fake, there in her
tone and face. And yet, she looked so much like how she used to a year ago. It had all been a lie,
everything. And Aelin had just seen the real Lysandra a few minutes ago, but she disappeared the
moment Rowan came in. As if the true Lysandra couldn’t stand to be seen by multiple people at
times.

Rowan walked until he stood next to Aelin, and his warmth… It was enough to help her breathe a
little better.

How could she fool herself into thinking she’d be able to live without this? Without him?

“Thank you for the flowers. You’ve overstayed your welcome.”

Lysandra’s laugh sounded almost real. “Always the charmer, Professor.”

Rowan didn’t answer the jab. She was one of the reasons why it wasn’t correct anymore to call him
professor. The reason why he had lost this job he loved so much. Yes, he’d broken the rule. It
wasn’t all on her, Aelin was aware of that. But… She had been a part of it.

Yes, Lysandra might not be the evil mastermind she tried to remember, but it didn’t mean Aelin
had to take that step in her direction, no matter how tempting. A sad past didn’t excuse repeating
bad actions. It didn’t excuse hurting Aedion and Rowan.

And more importantly, it didn’t excuse hurting Aelin.

“Goodbye, Lysandra.” Something flashed in her eyes, as if she had been expecting another ending.
She nodded once, then twice. And then, she was gone. For good. Aelin hoped she’d get better, she
didn’t wish to anyone to live and stay with a rotten heart. But she didn’t want her anywhere near
her.

“Are you okay? What did she want?” Rowan asked softly, a hand on her arm and patiently waiting
for the answer.

“Arobynn did this,” she breathed. “She told me that.”

Rowan nodded, face darkening. “I know. I-I just got a call from the local P.D. They found the car
we collided with. Arobynn used a car registered in his name. They have him in custody.”

That sounded… so simple. But maybe he hadn’t been an evil mastermind either. She’d given him
too much credit because she was too hurt to see clearly. If he’d used one of his own cars… The
man was stupid.

“What is he facing?”

“They found lots of alcohol in the car, so drunk driving, as well as failing to aid. He could do a few
years.”

And again, it was as if a weight was lifted off her chest. She nodded and wrapped her arms around
his neck. She breathed him in, clutching his shirt in her hands. “It’s over now.”

He wrapped an arm around her waist, and it was only then that she felt the tremor in his body. It
must be… a lot, to know who had hurt his girl. A small part of her brain wondered if he blamed her
for it. Without her, he wouldn’t have been the object of Arobynn’s wrath. His daughter would have
been protected.

But she couldn’t control the actions of other people. She could only do her best with her own
action, trying to make her family happy.

Yet, she knew he didn’t blame her. Knew that this small part of her brain was lying, trying its
hardest to trick her. If Rowan truly believed she was a danger to his daughter, she wouldn’t be
allowed to be anywhere near Helia.

“I hate him,” he whispered. “He deserves worse.”

She understood and felt the same. She pulled back enough to look him in the eyes. “He’s going to
rot in jail all alone, and now we’re together. He doesn’t matter anymore, does he?”

He shook his head, but his eyebrows were still furrowed. She rose on her tiptoes, kissing him
softly. Gods, she loved that feeling. She loved him more than life itself. She pulled back and told
him so, and that had the merit of lightening his face a little. “I love you more,” he said, his thumb
stroking her waist over her tshirt.

She clicked her tongue. “No one on likes a liar, Whitethorn.”

He grinned, shaking his head. She’d missed that face and that expression. He always seemed to be
so done with her, and yet he always came back for more. Case point, he cupped her cheek and
leaned in to kiss her slowly. As their lips moved, Aelin felt herself getting more and more
breathless. She felt lightheaded as he kissed her thoroughly, enough to have her feel dizzy. Yet, she
never wanted to pull away. Her lips parted, letting him in. The small noise that came out of him
was enough to have her toes curl in her shoes, but Rowan pulled away before the kiss could change
tone. Perhaps it was for the best, considering their setting.

“Wait until we get back home, then I’ll show you just how much I love you.”

She bit her lip, looking up at him. “I can’t wait.” She really couldn’t. His eyes darkened a little
more, and she knew he wondered if they could get away with… reuniting now. He had his office,
and she knew they both needed it. But… Aelin had something to do, and one of them had to stay
by Helia’s side. “Sorry, baby.”

He shook his head, and she smiled. Why was she even apologizing? “Go,” he breathed, stealing a
quick kiss from her lips. She nodded and kissed him one last time before she left the room.

The walk to the office wasn’t long enough for Aelin. Her palms got sweaty about two seconds after
she left Rowan’s side. It wasn’t a conversation she was eager to have but she still knew it had to
happen. She had to face her shame, and it was even more important that she did it for Elide.
Because she was a true friend, the one deserving of Aelin’s energy.

She knocked on Lorcan’s office door, hoping they were still there. They had refused to go home a
few hours ago, in case Aelin and Rowan needed anything or if something happened with Helia.
She was grateful for their support, for the love they showed Helia. Her little girl would never be
alone in this world, she had too many people who loved her.

“Hey,” she breathed when Lorcan opened the door. She was relieved when she saw his face and
didn’t see any traces of sleep. At least she hadn’t woken them up. “Is Elide there?”

“Come in!” A voice said from inside, and maybe Lorcan took one second too long before opening
the door enough for her to get in, but she didn’t really care. She quite deserved that one. Aelin took
a step into the unfamiliar office and looked around. It had the same layout as Rowan’s but the
pieces of furniture were darker than her boyfriend’s. Elide was sitting on the couch, leaning toward
the table where food was spread. “You want an avocado? There’s some chocolate syrup on it.” The
brunette asked Aelin.

She shook her head. She really didn’t feel like eating now. Elide snorted and shrugged. “That’s
more for me, then. I’ve been craving these things for days.”

The cravings, right. Aelin hadn’t known they could happen so early in pregnancy. Or maybe it
wasn’t because of the pregnancy at all and Aelin just looked stupid standing there.

As if sensing the tension, Lorcan said, “I’m gonna check up on Ro. Be careful.” Aelin wondered
what Elide would have to be careful of sitting on a perfectly comfortable couch but… she held back
any remark. She didn’t feel like fighting Lorcan Salvaterre today. Yet, she couldn’t hold in a
grimace as he leaned in and kissed his girlfriend. She looked perfectly content, and a part of Aelin
was glad for it. But… Lorcan, seriously? How did he bag someone as great as Elide?

Before leaving, the bastard sent her a warning look and she only rolled her eyes, coming to sit
beside her friend. “You look like shit,” Elide commented, shoving another piece of dead fish and
rice in her mouth.

Aelin snorted, not offended. That was the truth, but she didn’t really care. She had more important
things to talk about. “I wanted to talk to you about something.”

Elide nodded, swallowing what she was chewing and her back straightened. “Aelin, I should have
—”

“I want to be there,” Aelin blurted. “I know I ran away when I found out about your pregnancy
but… Fuck, Elide I’m so thrilled for you, and I’m so ashamed of my reaction. But I want to be with
you, I want to help you plan everything, I want to spoil that kid rotten. I want… I missed so many
parts of your life, but I don’t want to miss anything in your child’s life, if you’ll allow me. I’m so
sorry I wasn’t supporting, I’m sorry that I ran. I-I shouldn’t have.”

Elide grabbed her hand. “You have nothing to say sorry for. That turd Lorcan messed up, Aelin. I
had told him to not say a thing to you until things were better, and if it wasn’t for that accident, I
would have told you this weekend. Fuck, Lin, your daughter is in a hospital bed, you were sleep
deprived and I know and understand how your infertility hurts you.”

She could have sobbed for the normality in her voice when she talked about Aelin’s condition. She
wasn’t sugarcoating it the way Aedion or Fenrys did, and it felt so relieving.

Elide kept going, “I would be thrilled to have you in my child’s life, Aelin.”

“Yeah?” She breathed; voice full of hope.

Her friend nodded, grabbing her hand. “There’s something I meant to ask you when I told you.”
Aelin was confused but she nodded, urging her friend to go on. “We thought a little about this with
Lorcan, and it just seemed so evident that—”

“He proposed?” Aelin asked, so overly eager that she cut off her friend.

Elide’s eyes widened, her cheeks turning a bright and intense shade of red. “What? No! Are you
mad?”

“You’re going to have a kid with the guy, why act so strange about marriage?” Aelin asked, both
amused and worried for her friend.

“It’s not the same! Marriage… It’s commitment.”

Aelin’s eyebrows rose. “A child doesn’t seem like commitment enough for you?”

Elide fidgeted, looking away. For once, Aelin wasn’t on the receiving end of the intrusive
questions. It was nice, though she couldn’t really enjoy her friend’s discomfort. “It’s just—I’d feel
trapped, I think? I don’t want a way out, I love Lorcan so, so much Aelin,” and she believed it, she
could hear it in her voice. “But, I don’t know… We shouldn’t get married only because we have a
kid on the way. We’re not in our mother’s generation anymore, you know? It’s just… too fast. I
mean, you’re even more afraid of commitment than I am. If Rowan went on one knee now you’d
probably freak out.”

She made a humming noise. “I don’t know, I rather like what happens when he’s on his knees.”
Elide made a noise of disgust, but Aelin simply threw her head back and laughed. When she
regained her seriousness she said, “Nah, I don’t think I’d run. I’d make him buy me the most
expensive and beautiful dress in town and then we could proceed.”

Elide snorted. “And you want him on his knees before or after you put the dress on?”

Aelin bit her lip, pretending to think. Though, the rush of warmth in her body was already telling
enough. “On my wedding day? I better be worshiped multiple times, though I wouldn’t say no to
some fun with… clothes on.”

Elide barked a laugh. “Not afraid of commitment anymore, then?”

Aelin thought about it for a second, then she shook her head. “No. I’ve been away too long, but we
aren’t the same Elide. Don’t rush to be in synch with me, be in synch with your heart. It is what
matters.”

Her friend’s eyes shone with tears, and she squeezed her hand. “I want you to be my kid’s
godmother.”

It was as if she was knocked in the chest. “W-what?”

“If anything happened to me, to Lorcan, we know that you and Rowan would take care of our child
in the best way possible. You’d love them like your own, and I trust you.”

She shook her head, still feeling dizzy and struggling to breathe. “No.”

One second of silence. Then another. “Excuse me?”

“Don’t waste your safety on me. Keep Rowan, and I promise I’d be there, and I would love your
child but… You don’t have to do this.”

“Aelin,” she said her name with fierceness. “You were my first choice. Not Rowan. And we didn’t
pick you simply because you’re with him. I picked you because you love with your whole heart,
because you know when to put people first. Sometimes you even do it too much. But… Aelin, I
wouldn’t trust a lot of people to take care of my kid, but you are at the top of that tiny list.”

“Really?” She breathed, barely able to keep in the tears and sobs. It’d be humiliating if she cried
now.

Elide’s smile turned intimate, one that could only be shared between two people who deeply cared
for one another. “Of course.”

Aelin bit the inside of her cheek and looked away, “Then yes, I suppose. At least I will be able to
provide a refuge whenever that child see past the barriers of biology and wants to escape their
dad.”

Elide barked a laugh, shaking her head. She took a bite of her avocado. “He acts all brave but he’s
been worried for you, you know.”

“What?”

She nodded and hummed. “I think he has a soft spot for you, but just a tiny one.”

Aelin’s smile turned sly. “Oh, I’m gonna have so much fun with this.”

They stayed in a comfortable silence for a while, Aelin observing her friend eat. Then, Elide broke
the silence, “How are you coping?”

Aelin thought for a second, and she let curiosity win her over. She grabbed one of the avocados
and poured some of that chocolate syrup on top of it. “I’m dealing. Honestly, I think it’s finally
becoming easier, you know? And I know that you and the others probably think that it’s because
it’s going better with Rowan but… No. I just, I don’t know, I just don’t care anymore. I want my
family and I happy, and that’s it.”

“I’m proud of you, and of the work you’ve done. Rowan helped, but you did it all.”

Aelin smiled and took a bite of the food before gagging, reaching for the nearest bin. “What the
hell, Elide!”

The brunette was laughing. “What? It’s the hormones!”

Aelin rolled her eyes, supposing it wouldn’t be the last time she heard this phrase. Somehow there
was no jealousy in her heart, simply excitement for what was to come.
 Chapter 52
Chapter Notes

This... this is the last chapter before the epilogue. I am in tears right now and I can't
write well, but I wanted to thank every single one of you for reading this

Aelin sat in the backseat of the car. It smelled new, which wasn’t surprising as Rowan had bought
it less than a week ago. It was a nice, normal car. It didn’t look like his former sports car, though it
shared the same black color. She had no idea why he hadn’t gone for his favorite brand of car; the
Gods knew he could afford it. Perhaps it was linked to his fear. He tried to conceal it, but she saw
through it. She didn’t call him out on that. He was alright, he just needed some time. And she was
ready to give him as much as he needed.

As of now, her sole focus was on the crying little girl sitting beside her. It had been almost three
weeks since her accident, and today was the day she was finally allowed to leave the hospital. It’d
been a relief for everyone, but mostly for the little girl. Although she and Rowan had stayed by her
side at all hour, that she hadn’t spent a single minute alone, it had been… stressful.

Usually, patients were discharged quickly after surgery but because of Helia’s lung wounds it had
taken longer. She’d had to have reeducation to strengthen her legs again to help her stand, and
doctors had wanted to oversee her because of pain when she breathed.

So, Helia had only left the hospital a few minutes ago.

They were almost home, and Aelin had chosen to sit right next to Helia, hoping to provide
emotional help. She had seemed fine at first, quiet but fine, but now she was shaking with quiet
tears leaving her eyes. Aelin’s heart broke, of course the girl would fear being in the car.

“When I was a kid, my sister was obsessed with this book. She had read it so many times that she
could actually quote it without needing to read it. There was this character in it, and my sister used
to pray to all the Gods to be this character.” That had caught Helia’s attention. “Do you want me to
tell you my and her favorite quote?”

She caught Rowan’s gaze in the rearview mirror, and it was hard to decipher what was present in
his eyes. It looked like pain, obviously because of Helia’s mental state, but also… pride. And
maybe this one was directed at her.

“Yes, please,” Helia said, though her voice was still cracking because of her lungs problem and the
intubation, and she was sure her mental distress didn’t help.

Aelin turned her attention back on the precious girl, and she smiled down at her. She stroked her
forehead with a thumb, other fingers playing with her hair. She was lucky to have kept some part of
her hair. The doctors had shaven parts that could be covered. “Once upon a time, in a land long
since burned to ash, lived a princess who loved her kingdom very, very much.” Aelin told her
daughter a story of love and passion, a story full of fairies and dragons, where love and friendship
triumphed. She talked for so long that the car had stopped in front of the house for a long time
before she was done. But no one moved. Helia was utterly captivated by her story.
So much that when Aelin was done, she asked, “Can I have the book?”

“But you can’t read well, baby,” Rowan said with a smile.

“How about I bring them to you, and you keep them in your room for whenever you’re old enough
to read them?”

Helia smiled, “Yes, please.”

Rowan didn’t even let Helia walk into the house. He held her as if she were a princess from the
moment he took her out of the car. As they passed the door, he smiled at her. “Welcome home,
baby.”

Aelin thought her heart couldn’t feel warmer or fuller, but that was until she heard a familiar bark.
She turned around just in time to see Fleetfoot run and throw herself on Aelin, glad to be reunited.
She knelt and probably looked like an idiot, trying to pet and hug the dog at the same time but…
She’d missed her. And apparently, Fleetfoot had missed her too. She hadn’t had a minute to herself
in the past weeks, even less visiting her favorite dog in the world. She felt guilty, but Aelin knew
she had been in good hands with…

“It’s crazy how you two look alike,” Aedion said, just as she was thinking about him.

She glared at him, and he grinned. She wasn’t surprised to find Fenrys by his side, these days they
were as attached to the hip as Rowan and her. She rose and hugged her cousin and friend. “We
made lots of pastries for the girl of the hour, so you’ll have to calm down that healthy nut that’s her
father.”

Aelin laughed, “I think I can convince him to forget about his rules for a while.”

Fenrys and Aedion had been nice enough to come and set up everything for Helia, like changing
her game into a temporary bedroom so she wouldn’t have to use the stairs every day. It would be
hard for her to do so for a while.

Fenrys kissed her cheek and went to check on Helia, leaving Aelin and Aedion together in the
kitchen. That way, Helia is being taken care of by a very overbearing father and a very overbearing
uncle. “How are you doing?” Aedion asked.

She took a deep breath. “Good. I’m happy that she is back.”

“You look better,” he said, guiding her into the kitchen so he can show everything they baked.
Though Aelin suspected they had simply bought these. She knew all too well that her cousin was
as bad as she was when it came to food.

“Thank you,” she said. Bought or made, the intention was very thoughtful. “And I do feel better,
too. These past few weeks have been hard, I must admit.”

“Of course, they were,” he said. “I’m so impressed by your strength, you know. So many people
would have run.”

She didn’t say anything for a while. Her first reaction had been to want to deny it but… He knew,
didn’t he? He hadn’t lived with his father for years because Gavriel had run. Aelin’s mother had
run, and her father had for a while before choosing to come back. She grabbed a croissant, “Yes,
well. I’ve done enough running for a lifetime, don’t you think?”

He pushed her shoulder with a fist while he grinned. He was happy for her, she realized though she
had known before. But it hit her then, how much she loved him, how much she had relied on him
her whole life while always thinking she was alone. “You’re the best big brother I could have had,
you know?”

There was a flash of emotion in his eyes, but he answered, “Of course, I’m amazing.”

She barked a laugh, shaking her head and turning her eyes toward the living room. Fenrys was
holding an Xbox controller while showing Helia what the buttons on it did. Lorcan had brought
over his video game console earlier this week, having promised it to Helia. she’d be spending a lot
of time on the couch, so he thought she could only watch so many princesses’ movies and that she
needed another distraction.

So, he bought her princesses’ games.

All these men were whipped for this girl. Even Rowan. Who, whilst watching over the cute
exchange between his daughter and his friend with disapproval, had thanked Lorcan when he’d
proposed that idea. Anything that made his girl happy made Rowan happy.

“I know what that look in your eyes means,” Aedion said, tearing Aelin from the scene happening
just a few feet away. She turned her gaze on him, confusion spreading through her. “You’re not
coming back to Varese, are you?”

She bit her lip, throwing a quick glance back to Rowan and Helia. “I meant to tell you earlier, but I
didn’t have the time,” she said, giving her cousin her full attention. “Rowan asked me to stay, and I
accepted. It’s my home, you know? I need to be here. But don’t worry, I’ll still pay half of the rent
for a while until you fall back on your feet and—”

“Aelin,” he cut her off. “I knew it would happen, it’s okay. I don’t need your money, you know
that. Plus… I’ll only stay there for two more months, until I finish my internship. After that… I’m
coming back, too.”

“Oh,” she breathed. “Do you have someone to come home to?”

She knew already. They hadn’t needed to broadcast it for everyone to know, but Aelin wouldn’t
mind a confirmation. Maybe a couple of juicy details, though nothing too juicy.

He grinned, and the way he glanced toward Fenrys… Oh, she was so happy for him. “We want to
take things slow; you know. Lots of things to heal from but… Gods, Aelin, I’m already in fucking
love with him.”

She barked a laugh. “We always fall pretty quickly, don’t we?”

“We do,” he nodded.

She put a hand on his shoulder, smiling at him. “They won’t let us hit the ground this time, you’ll
see.”

---

“When are you leaving again?” Helia asked, a mouthful of rice in her mouth. She looked at Aelin,
but the question wasn’t what hit her in the guts. It was the tone she used, this sad voice, as well as
this sorrow in her eyes.

Aelin opened her mouth, only to close it. She didn’t really know what to say. They hadn’t had time
to discuss all of this with her, and Aelin knew it had been a subject that would come up early when
she came back home but she hadn’t expected Helia to ask about it just a few hours after she came
home. She threw a glance at Rowan, who looked as perplexed as she was.

Aelin hesitated for a second, “Is that something you want?”

Helia shrugged, looking at her plate only. “You have your home.”

Rowan gave her a short nod, as if telling her that yes, it would be the best moment to talk to their
daughter.

Perhaps they should have told her earlier but… They had wanted her entirely focused on her
recovery and getting better. She had been emotional to see both Rowan and Aelin when she woke
up, they didn’t want her to tire herself out when she needed a lot of energy directed toward her
health.

“You dad and I talked,” Aelin said. “And we thought that maybe, if you’re okay with that, this
could be my home.” Because while Aelin and Rowan wanted each other enough that it would kill
them to be separated, she knew that if Helia wasn’t okay with this… They both loved her too much
to impose her something she didn’t want in her house.

Helia’s head snapped up, her eyes wide. “You’d live here again? Fleetfoot too?”

As if hearing her name—which she totally did—the dog came sniffing around the table, probably
hoping to catch some foot no one was paying attention to.

Aelin smiled at Helia. “Yeah, baby. If it’s okay with you.”

The girl glanced at Aelin then at her father, with her mouth slightly agape. “Did you start loving
daddy again?”

Aelin’s eyes widened, she knelt in front of Helia so they could be at the same height, and she
grabbed her hands. “Look at me, baby. I have never stopped loving your father or you. You are my
favorite people on this planet, alright? We just both needed some time, but now we can be a family
again. I’m sorry us being apart has hurt you.”

Helia’s eyes were full of tears, and Aelin’s heart was starting to be ripped in multiple pieces. The
girl started crying, and her father knelt on her other side, rubbing her back. They wouldn’t tell her
to stop. Aelin knew that she was finally allowing herself to show her sadness. She hadn’t truly
shown that emotion in the past year. Anger, yes. But Aelin had never seen Helia really sad.

Oh; how she felt guilty for this but… This had been inevitable. Aelin had needed that time away so
she could be her best self for Helia. And now she was here to patch things up.

“Promise to always stay,” Helia demanded, years on her cheeks and lifting her pinky to Aelin.

“I could never tell you no,” she smiled at Helia, and promised with her own pinky. She’d always be
there now, no matter what.

---

Aelin had insisted on washing the dishes by herself. If she couldn’t cook, she could at least do this.
Though she supposed buying a dishwasher could help, she was still glad she could participate in
the chores.

“She’s already fast asleep,” Rowan snorted from beside her, grabbing the last plate Aelin had
washed to put it back in the cupboard. It was teamwork.

Aelin stole a glance toward the living room where Helia and Fleetfoot were laying on the couch
together and both two seconds away from snoring. She chuckled. “So much for the no-dog-on-the-
couch rule, huh?”

He glared at her. “It’s not funny. My own daughter doesn’t respect me anymore.”

She snorted. “You just can’t tell her no.”

He shook his head and grabbed her waist, turning her and pressing her against the counter. She
looked up, arching a brow. “I have to finish, Rowan.”

He narrowed his eyes and leaned in to cut the water off. “No more dishes.”

She laughed, though she didn’t fight to start again. She wrapped her arms around his neck,
breathing in his scent. “Who are you and what have you done with my clean-freak boyfriend?”

“Why must you always make fun of me?”

“Offended looks good on you,” she whispered, rising on her toes to softly press her lips against his.
“That frown is very, very sexy.”

“Yeah?” He breathed, cupping the back of her head, and bringing her lips to his.

The kiss wasn’t urgent, it was slow and passionate. They poured all their love in it, all the despair
they had felt this past year being away from one another. She’d missed him, missed his taste, his
warmth, his smell. “I love you,” she said as they parted. It wasn’t the first time she’d said it, but
the truth of it still burned her eyes. “I’m so in love with you, Rowan.”

“I’m yours,” he said. “Forever and always.”

Not you’re mine. But I’m yours. It meant so, so much to her.

She pressed her head against his chest, looking at Helia and Fleetfoot. She believed she
experienced peace at that moment, in the arms of the man she loved, in a warm house with a cute
girl who had definitely started snoring. She pulled back, looking at Rowan. “I want it all. You,
Helia… More.”

A light appeared in his slightly widened eyes. “Really?” He knew what she was talking about.
About expanding their family.

She nodded, suddenly feeling shy. “I know it will be hard, that because of my infertility we might
never get pregnant. It’ll be a long process but… I want it all with you if you want it all with me.”

He kissed her, both his hands cupping her cheeks. This kiss was more urgent, more desperate. As if
he was trying to breathe her in. He pulled back, as breathless as she was. “I want it all with you,
too, Aelin Galathynius. Kids, marriage, everything.”

And just that way, Aelin’s new life started. And she was so, so excited for this new chapter.

She glanced at Helia, then back at Rowan. “Go put her to sleep, please.”

He nodded, kissing her one last time before walking to Helia, holding her like a princess and
bringing her to her new room. Rowan and Aelin had also moved rooms for the time being, sleeping
in the guest room downstairs. If Helia needed anything in the middle of the night, they wanted her
to be able to reach out for help. Her lungs were still damaged enough that walking too long or
walking up the stairs would exhaust her, or even just be too much.

Aelin went to let Fleetfoot access to the garden for the last time of the day, but for a while didn’t
move from the couch. She simply stared at Aelin, as if mad that she had taken away her sleeping
buddy. Aelin frowned, “Don’t judge me.”

But the dog was totally judging her on her way to the garden. It didn’t matter. She waited five
minutes for her mutt to come back, and she gave her a big kiss on the head. Then, Aelin slipped
into her bedroom.

Rowan was already there, though she supposed he hadn’t been waiting for long. He was standing,
back to the door, and his eyes focused on his phone. She wrapped her arms around his waist,
resting her head against his back just between his shoulder blades. She felt him relax, and she
couldn’t hold back her smile at that. “Hey, baby,” he said, covering her hand with his.

She let go of him only so he could turn around, his phone was gone, and he led her onto the bed,
having them both lay side by side. Thank Gods she’d already hanged in her pyjamas before supper,
because she felt too lazy to get up again. She snuggled closer to him, closing her eyes. “I missed
having you here,” he breathed.

She lifted her head, looking at him. “I’m here now, no more missing.”

“Thank the Gods,” he said, cupping the back of her neck and bringing her lips to his. She was
entirely consumed by his lips and his presence. So much, that for better access, she climbed on top
of him, laying right there. That way, she had total access to his lips, to his cheeks, to his neck.
“Aelin,” he breathed her name as if it were a prayer as he passed a hand through her hair, his other
—now healed—hand holding her hip. “My love.”

She parted her legs so that she was now straddling him, and she slowly lowered her lips. She kissed
the corner of his lips, his cheek, his chin. She left the imprint of her lips on his neck, and then
lowered on his collarbone as she pushed his shirt to allow her some space to work. But when the
garment became a true offense against her, she rose so that she sat on him, her fingers playing with
the hem of the shirt. “Is it okay?” She asked, a little breathless.

He sat up, his chest brushing hers and he threw his shirt at the other side of the room. “Only if you
get out of yours as well.”

She felt her teeth scrape at her bottom lip, and she took off the silky top she had worn until then.
Rowan’s eyes darkened as he stared at her bare breasts, their ends peaked both because of the air
and because of the attention he gave them. His hands were on her ribs, his thumb brushing the
underside of her breasts every time he stroked her skin there. He was so, so close to her that when
he spoke, his hot breath hit her skin. “You’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.”

She didn’t have time to give him a witty answer, because the next second his lips were wrapped
around her nipple. She gasped, her hands shooting for his hair and his shoulder, unafraid to pull and
scratch. He loved being marked.

He sucked and licked, and when she felt his teeth slightly pull on the hard bud… She had to bite
her lip to hold in her moans.

She was breathless and flushed by the time Rowan was done with the second bud, but he didn’t
give her time to breathe. He pushed her on her shoulders, and he laid between her legs. He kissed
her breasts again, then lower, and lower until he took off her shorts, as well as her underwear.
She wasn’t shy to be naked in front of him. Gods, he was the person she felt the most at ease with.
But the way he looked at her then, as if it were the first time he saw her in such a state… She loved
him more for that, for the appreciation showing on his features. “Rowan,” she breathed. “I need
you.”

He nipped at her hip then, tearing another gasp from her. “Let me worship you first.”

And who was she to refuse him? She let him part her legs, exposing her so much that she almost
turned shy. But her boldness took over once more when he lowered his face between her legs.
There was no hint of shyness in her as she arched her back, holding his head right where it was as
he sucked on her bundle of nerves.

She wished she could scream her pleasure boldly, but if Rowan heard her soft gasps, she was
happy. These were for him alone.

He pushed a finger inside of her heat, and she already stood over the edge. It had been too long, and
he was simply too good at listening to her body. She could feel him grin against her slick skin, but
he didn’t stop nor did he slow down his pace. “Yes, yes, yes,” she breathed, praying that he would
just keep going. She needed him to.

He pushed another finger inside of her, crooking it just the right way and then…

Waves of pleasures hit her one after another, so hard that she couldn’t breathe or see or feel
anything anymore. She was just a vessel of pleasure, and she was sure she could die from this
feeling.

And what a way to go.

Slowly, awareness creeped back up in her, but she wasn’t left cold and lonely. Rowan’s warmth
and scent were all around her, his lips warm against her skin as he did, indeed, worship her body
once more. Every kiss showed his love, his dedication to her.

“Baby,” she breathed. “Kiss me?”

She had worded it as a question, though she knew he would have never refused her. She moaned at
her own taste on his tongue, at the way his lips seemed to awaken that fire in her, when she had
believed to be entirely spent. She wrapped her legs around his hips, pushing his pants down with
her feet. He broke the kiss to help her, and then he was naked in front of her.

Her favorite work of art.

And he was hers, hers forever and always.

“Are you sure?” He asked, as if her body wasn’t begging for more. She nodded, and he leaned in to
kiss her once more. The tip of his length nudged at her folds, and she didn’t dare breathing as
Rowan teased her, before sinking inside of her. It had been a given, after their earlier conversation,
that he wouldn’t be wearing protection anymore. It was only him and her now.

“Fuck,” he swore, low and breathlessly. He was as undone by this as she was, by the feeling of her
walls adjusting to him. The first push was always divine, but today… It felt better. “Fuck, Aelin,
marry me.”

Her entire body froze, and her eyes snapped open. Only to find him directly staring at her, his
eyes… It was impossible to describe everything she saw in his eyes. “What?” She breathed, and she
was surprised he heard her.
He didn’t move, staying deep in her. “Marry me, Aelin. I want you, forever. You’re my everything,
I want to show the world that I’m yours.”

She didn’t question the more than questionable timing, the fact that they’d been right in the middle
of… sex. How had he turned the most intimate activity into something even more intimate? Damn
him, damn his smile and the quiet hope in his eyes.

She captured his lips with hers, her grip on his hips tightening, almost pushing him deeper if it
were possible, and her hands were tangled in his hair. “Yes,” she breathed tears in her eyes. “Yes, a
thousand times. I’ve been yours ever since the day I have met you.”

Something wet came into contact with her face, and when Rowan pulled back… It was a tear.
Rowan was crying, and his face. Oh, God. She couldn’t hold back her own tears at the sight of
Rowan’s bright and shiny grin. He looked the happiest she had ever seen him, it brought back his
youth. That way, Rowan Whitethorn was her light in a sea of darkness. He’d always glow for her,
so she would find her way back home.

Their tears kept escaping their eyes as Rowan pulled back slowly, and pushed back in at the same
speed. He took his time ravishing her, tearing gasps and moans out of her every time he moved,
and quieting them with his kisses. Declaration of love, promises for their future… Rowan
whispered them all on her lips, and she drank them all in.

She was loved, and would always be.

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