Goodbye College

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Goodbye College—
Hello Life!
Go-To Answers from a
Got-There Grown-Up
Lisa Brock
HRD Press, Inc. • Amherst • Massachusetts

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Copyright © 2009 by Lisa Brock
All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America.

Except as permitted under the United States Copyright Act of
1976, no part of this publication may be reproduced or
distributed in any form or by any means, or stored in a
database or retrieval system, without the prior written
permission of the publisher.
Published by: HRD Press, Inc.

22 Amherst Road
Amherst, Massachusetts 01002
1-800-822-2801 (U.S. and Canada)
1-413-253-3488
1-413-253-3490 (fax)
http://www.hrdpress.com
ISBN: 978-1-59996-165-1
Editorial services by Suzanne Bay

Production services by Anctil Virtual Office
Cover design by Eileen Klockars
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Contents
Preface .......................................................................................... v
Chapter 1: It’s Your Life—

Own it Sooner, Rather than Later....................... 1
Looking Back ........................................................ 11
Chapter 2: Where Are You Headed? .................................... 13

Let’s Get Started .................................................... 22
Chapter 3: Your Strengths and Weaknesses ........................ 23

A Quick Self-Assessment .................................... 30
Chapter 4: How Will You Know

Where You Really Want to Be? .......................... 33
An Action Plan in 7 Steps .................................... 42
Chapter 5: Sacrifices ................................................................ 45

Questions to Think About .................................. 53
Chapter 6: Are You Looking for a Career, or a Job? .......... 55
Chapter 7: Make a Plan............................................................ 61

A Case Study ........................................................ 65
What’s Your Plan? ................................................ 67
Chapter 8: Groom Yourself Inside and Out ........................ 69

The Obvious Stuff ................................................ 74
More “Grooming” Tips ........................................ 77
Grooming Checklist.............................................. 78
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Goodbye College—Hello Life!
Chapter 9: Technology Common Sense ................................ 81

How Is Your Technology Common Sense? ...... 87
Chapter 10: Good Manners Never Go Out of Style .............. 89

How are Your Manners? ...................................... 97
Chapter 11: The Art of Listening.............................................. 99

How Well do You Listen? .................................... 105
Chapter 12: Accept Help .......................................................... 107

Mentoring Opportunities .................................... 113
Chapter 13: Preparing for Interviews...................................... 115

How to Become Better Informed ........................ 123
Chapter 14: Humility and Self-Confidence ............................ 125

How Good Are You at the
Art of Making Conversation? ............................ 132
A Final Word .............................................................................. 133
About the Author ...................................................................... 135
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Preface
I wrote this book because I love the optimism and edge-of-

adulthood perspective embodied in the university and high
school years. And I know it is, for many of you, a time of doubt,
worry, and fear.
As a businesswoman, coach, religious teacher, and amateur

sociologist, I have watched lots of young people grow up and
begin to find out who they are and what they need to do to get
where they want to go. There is no one way to do it; as long as
you are learning along the way, it’s all good.
I believe there is a need for a book like this. I hope it helps you
find your voice, courage, vision, and way. I want the book to
reach in and find you, and then I want it to move you to make
the decisions you have probably already considered. I am
happy to be the little push you need to get to your next level.
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Chapter 1
It’s Your Life.

Own it sooner, rather than later.
Your life belongs to you. It does not belong to your parents,

your grandparents, boyfriend, girlfriend, teacher, mentor, or
spouse. In my view, your life is an extraordinary gift, and I’d
go even so far as to call it a spiritual one. But this book is not
about me—it’s all about YOU.
Growing up means owning up, too. On the day you were born,
you possessed what I will call “raw material” that was beyond
your control. You could not help who you were born to or what
your genetics are, what the neighborhood was like, whether
or not you were a natural delivery, or whether or not alcohol or
drugs were involved. You had no control over your birth par-
ents’ jobs or careers (or lack thereof), or how they responded
to your arrival. You did not assist in the planning, the nur-
sery décor, or the welcome home, or even in any subsequent
decision regarding additional children.
Many choices and decisions are still being made for you or on
your behalf, but this will change once you demonstrate the
ability to make responsible and wise decisions about every
aspect of your life.
1
Exhibit A
My son Cody, at the age of 8, thought he should be allowed to

stay out past dark and roam the neighborhood with his little
pals, playing a game they called “Spy.” They dressed in black
sweat pants and black shirts, and attached ropes, pulleys, and
bungee cords from their belt loops. He learned about this fun
adventure from his older stepbrother George (who played
indoors). Cody kept my husband and me on our toes—even in
our own bedroom. We just never knew when he might jump
out and shout “Gotcha!”
Playing “Spy” in the neighborhood might have been a good

choice from Cody’s perspective had the circumstances been
different, but earlier that summer, a neighbor called our
attention to what the kids were doing late one afternoon. It
seems that these little supersleuths climbed up a tree to get to a
fence in order to get a better view of the neighbors, who were
skinny-dipping in their pool. Despite the “privacy” fence, the
boys witnessed the scene of a lifetime! We got a heads-up that
our son would need very close supervision. Staying out at even
the hint of darkness would not be in his cards for some time.
My point in sharing this little anecdote is to point out that

whether Cody made a choice or made a decision, there were
consequences to his behavior, even at the age of eight. I was
there to help him understand exactly what that meant, but if he
tried that little trick today, the consequences would be entirely
different—and they would be his to own. I might advise from
the sidelines, but he’d have to deal with whatever occurred,
ranging from enormous embarrassment, disappointment in
himself, loss of self-esteem, and lots of negotiating and
apologizing to perhaps hiring a lawyer to defend himself from
criminal charges and threat of job loss.
2
Chapter 1: It’s Your Life—Own it Sooner, Rather than Later
Are you ready? Because there is a price.
It is time for you to own your choices and decisions in full. I

cannot say it more strongly: Go ahead and take back the control
you’ve given over to your parents, teachers, and significant
others of all kinds and start telling yourself, Wow! I am on my
own now, and I can choose or decide whatever I want! And start
accepting the consequences of your choices and decisions.
Notice that I am not telling you that things will go exactly as

you wish from here on out. I’m simply saying that it is time to
stop blaming other people for who you are and what you are
all about. You have had whatever start you were born with, but
now it is time to begin your own unique journey toward
becoming who you are meant to be. It is time to define yourself
and to accept responsibility for your actions, choices, and
decisions. If you want to stay out after dark and play “Spy,”
GO FOR IT. Just get ready to deal with the consequences.
Also, please notice that I did not say, “Hey, you are free. Throw
out everything you have been taught or have learned along the
way.” Quite the opposite: Much of what you have learned so
far will come back. There is a purpose to your earlier training.
You may wish to keep some of what you learned, but
everything will find its place if you allow it.
Are you ever really free?

And what does that mean, anyway?
This next part gets very tricky to explain, but here goes: In
a way, we are never truly free from the circumstances of
our birth and early life. Good or bad, it is all material for our
future. The best way to make good use of it is to become well
acquainted with it and learn to make it work for you.
3
Think about it. Haven’t you learned the most from some of
your worst decisions? What can you learn when everything
goes your way, other than how good you are at planning? If
you become intimate pals with what goes wrong, you will add
that knowledge to your bank of life experiences, and pretty
soon you will be sitting on considerable assets. And this will
help you achieve your larger plans in life—developing outside
interests, succeeding in your career, achieving family harmony,
and just generally becoming more of the person you want to be.
Choosing to own your life means putting some distance

between you and those who want to help you or influence
your decisions: parents (usually), but also siblings, best
friends, aunts and uncles, grandparents, teachers, religious
instructors, and a whole host of others. It might take the form
of physical or emotional distancing, or in the worst case,
abandonment or aggression. Some young people feel like they
are being threatened or challenged, such as when parents
explain how unrealistic or frightening things can turn out if
their son or daughter does not accept their guidance. You
might feel alone, confused, or anxious as you begin the process
of becoming who you are, but if it is to be your life, try to
understand these feelings so you can add to your emotional
palette. There is no need to hide from them—they will pass.
Oddly enough, they will allow you to distinguish between the
range of good feelings that come your way, too.
There will undoubtedly be a tearful goodbye at some juncture,

laced with parental pride, praise for your courage, and support
for your growing up and learning how to live on your own.
There are usually many small steps along the way to this literal
separation from parents and childhood, as well as milestones
you might not have noticed: your first day of first grade,
middle school, high school: prom night, award ceremonies,
class officer, summer camp, youth group activities and trips,
vacations and family reunions, and so on.
4
Each step and each milestone represents a move toward greater

self-knowledge and maturity in preparation for the day when
you will physically and emotionally leave your present life to
live on your own.
Exhibit B
One of the interns in my office came to me recently to discuss

her future. Because my time is limited, I try to make sure that
interns (who work for free) get at least a chunk of my time near
the end of their service. I do this because by this time, my team
has a solid handle on the intern’s aptitude, attitude, and skill
set, and I can best advise from this vantage point. I review their
strengths and weaknesses in their role with us, take a critical
look at their résumés, learn more about their career goals, and
try to connect them to all the resources on the Web.
“Carol” had been an average to above-average intern. She

showed early promise, but seemed to want to please me. Her
best bet would have been to please her capable and appointed
mentor, Natalie. Carol often clamored for my personal
attention, though I politely refused and referred her back to
Natalie. She demonstrated a better-than-average ability in
research and editing, but her inability to follow the order of
appropriate communication channels told me that she needed
to learn a little more about the basics of public relations
(e.g., good manners and the ability to accurately read between
the lines).
Still, I wanted to give her some valuable information

in exchange for her time with us, so I asked the same question
I ask of my staff during annual reviews: “If you had no barriers
and could do whatever it is you dream of, what would
that be?” She mentioned her financial concerns, her
anxiety over getting her final assignments completed in time
5
for graduation, and her loud and unruly roommates. Finally,

after much prodding from me, she stated that she had always
wanted to work in the high-stakes world of fashion PR.
This was interesting! She had never once mentioned this

aspiration, but I knew it was a true one, because a wide smile
broke across her now-animated face.
I am all about dreams, so I asked how she planned to accom-

plish her goal. She said she’d never really thought seriously
about it. Her dream never made the leap over to her real-world
thinking. Even though I have heard variations on this theme
many times before, it always gives me pause: What stopped her
from believing that dreams really can come true? In fact,
dreaming is often how we make it happen! We dream, and then
we chase the dream.
I wanted to learn more, so I pressed. “What market would you

want to work in?” I asked, implying that I was confident she
knew that high-fashion PR opportunities are rare in our part of
Florida. “Well, I guess New York,” she said, as a broad smile
broke out over her face. “So what is keeping you from
exploring that now, from here, for the next couple of months
until you graduate?” She did not answer right away,
explaining that she would think about it and get back to
me. We finished our chat, and the next day she returned to
my office.
“My parents asked me if I was crazy,” she reported. “They said

there is no way I could ever afford to live in New York City,
and that they will not support my moving there.” Her
demeanor slumped as I continued my line of questioning
about the specifics of their concerns. I told her of the exploits of
a former student who conquered the Big Apple, amassing
several job offers in a matter of days by cold-calling companies
she had researched. She eventually accepted one at VH-1—a
glamour job by just about any measure in those days. Yes, she
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knew she’d have to have a “bunch of roommates,” but it was

worth it. She could begin her journey on her own terms, toward
her own life.
Carol was intrigued, but not swayed. “There is no way

I could do it on my own, and if my parents won’t help,
I’m not taking the chance.” For Carol, at least at this time
in her life, the challenges of grown-up life look too great
to overcome. So she will do something else, something
that pleases her parents and keeps her tethered to their
checkbook.
. . . and Exhibit C
As I write this, a young woman I know is applying to colleges

outside her home state, without her parents’ knowledge.
“They’d never support it, and I don’t know how I’ll do it, but
this is my dream,” she told me. She can pursue her newfound
interest in all things culinary at the Culinary Institute of
America, but she would have to be able to follow her dream
without her parents’ support. She is full of fear, but she is so
capable and has so much hope and optimism. It remains to be
seen whether or not she will seek her own path.
The pressure of knowing that one’s parents will not support a

life-long dream is enormous. It defies logic that a gifted and
award-winning culinary student would turn down the
opportunity to study at a world-renowned institution,
particularly when the opportunity includes the guarantee of a
transfer to Cornell University if grades and expectations are
met. What parent would not want an Ivy League education for
their motivated, willing, and able child? Parents threatening to
pull the financial plug or hurling all the “what ifs” at them
stifles and scares young people. It is also a shame.
7
The consequences of respectfully disagreeing with her parents

and following her dream were more than this young woman
could handle. She chose the safer way and attended a state
university. At this point in her life, the risk of disappointing her
parents was too great.
Each difficulty in life is an invitation to step into the middle of

the discomfort and look closely at why we feel the way we feel.
If you accept this challenge, you will grow and learn more
about who you are. Sometimes it takes a few disappointments
before we finally start to figure it out, but the beauty of life
is that day after day, we get to choose or not choose, accept
or deny. It truly is up to us. Opportunities to grow are
a guaranteed part of life, no matter what age or stage of life
we are at.
. . . and Exhibit D!
I know another young person who was doing very well at an

Ivy League school, but when he told his parents of his decision
to major in philosophy, they objected. Vehemently. When that
didn’t cause him to change his mind, they chastised him and
told him he’d never be successful. They finally threatened to
cut him off financially if he didn’t study business. In the end,
he “chose” their way, but it caused enormous strain and
emotional turmoil. The parents beamed with pride as they told
friends and colleagues of the son’s “choice.” Meanwhile, their
son is moving farther and farther away from them emotionally.
His father defines success in terms of money, and the son is
saddled with this same outlook. He can choose to define and
pursue success differently, but he does not. So his choices, like
his father’s, are his own. Maybe sometime in the future, he will
make the decision to live his own life—but maybe not. Maybe
he will decide to live his father’s version of what his life
“ought” to be.
8
I have to do it alone?
It is no secret to those of us who have done it that growing up

is, in many ways, a solitary act. That does not mean that we are
alone when we do it: It means that in the end, we alone get to
choose. If you are lucky, you will have the love and support of
an extended family that rejoices with you as you take your
small steps toward your big life. But it might also mean some
distancing or loss on the way there. Life is not always easy, and
there is no guarantee that everyone will be happy. But you still
have to choose. Remember: Not to decide is to decide.
Try and retrain your brain to think this way:
I GET to do this on my own!
This simple declaration can reduce your anxiety, and it rings

with truth. You are free to move, reinvent yourself, find new
friends to add to the existing ones, and go someplace where the
culture is something you have always wanted to explore. You
can learn a new language, try new foods, pick your own place
to live, hang up your own art, buy your own bedspread, stay
out late, date whomever you choose, and go where you want
when you want!
I have seen too many young people struggle with this concept,
primarily because they are not able to think independently.
Too many are more than capable, yet they sell their souls
for designer purses and seek unhealthy approval. Sure, they
wear the latest styles, but they live off their parents or
boyfriends/girlfriends and give in to the charade of being
“grown up” and having it all. It’s mostly theater, but it can be
powerful stuff with powerful consequences if you buy into it.
9
I also know other young people who have seized the opportun-
ity to make their own way. They come from all walks of
life, representing the haves and have nots and spanning the
color scheme of skin, cultural divides, and formal education
blended with LIFE 101. They are proving that if you want it,
you can have it—but it doesn’t walk up to your door and
knock! You have to find it, chase it, make it happen, and
give in to the ways it will change you. You have to accept that
it will not necessarily be easy, but it will be worth it. All efforts
add up to you. Getting there is where much of the fun and
discovery lie.
This reminds me of another thing you need to consider: Even

poor decisions can be un-made and re-made better! No one
gets to a truly well-lived life without mistakes here and there.
Call them miscalculations, lack of radar, or whatever you want,
but understand that failure serves a purpose when you are
willing to own up and make it up. The most compelling and
motivating stories of success are those in which we overcome
incredible odds. So let go of your mistakes. They are in the past,
and you live in the present. Or at least that’s the goal!
But for now, try to grasp the reality that this is your life. Let’s see
what we can make of that.
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Looking Back
Go somewhere quiet and think about each of these questions.
Then write your responses in a journal or on your computer.
1. What were the circumstances of your birth?
2. Time of day:
3. How was the delivery?
4. What were your parents’ thoughts?
5. When you see pictures of or hear stories about your birth,

what are your thoughts or feelings?
6. What did you think of the choices your parents made

as parents?
7. How about as individuals (and not as your parents)?
8. What kinds of things did you argue about with your

parents?
9. Do they support your growing up and/or your

independence?
10. If you do not think they support you, how can you tell?
List two or three decisions you made where you could tell that
your parents either did or did not support you.
How did you handle each of these situations?
What might you do differently in the future if others do not

support your authentic goals?
In Chapter 2, we’ll take a close look at how you view your

past, and how it might be affecting where you are headed.
11
Chapter 2
Where are you headed?
Your past is gone. Now you have a chance to re-make yourself.

So what’s your plan?
The small town or big city you live in consists of small groups
of individuals who make up the whole of the larger
community. For purposes of this discussion, I will focus on two
distinct groups of young people: individuals with famous
family names, money, or influence (or all three), and those
without. I have met dozens of young people in these two
groups several times over in my professional life. So often, the
young men and women who have “it” wish they didn’t. The
ones who don’t have the name, fame, or money are intrigued
with the fantasy of what it must be like, because they don’t
know the reality of what all that means. These groups stick out
in my mind because I have seen individuals in each group do
some pretty serious acting out to get what they don’t have.
Never did I ever think I’d live to see the day where upper-
middle-class kids adopt ghetto culture as a way to be cool, but
I guess none of us could have predicted or prepared for the
media culture we are now living in. This is a part of the
technology revolution, but somehow it did not get down to the
masses. Technology is moving so quickly, we can hardly keep
up with it.
13
What people think of as being “cool” is shaped, in part, by the

media. Young people today have grown up with it, but many
adults don’t understand, can’t connect to, and are unaware of
its many forms and powerful influences. In the real world, that
stuff is just that: glamorized, editorialized, and edited versions
of life that are downright deceiving. The real-life stuff that
happens when we live without consequences or without
appropriate boundaries is not what young people see, hear, or
talk about. The media has thus failed an entire generation—
maybe two.
Which brings me to the point of this chapter. If you want to

achieve a sense of peace and feel connected with others, you
must forego the drama and deal with WHO YOU ARE and
where you came from—good or not-so-good. Forget the
fantasy. Forget the jealousy. Drop the front. All the time you
have spent wishing and trying to get there is wasted. Spend
your time on moving forward.
Things are not always what they seem.
If you haven’t already figured it out, let me be the first to

explain this statement. Having a big name or influential par-
ents, relatives, or friends is just as much a burden as it is a gift.
I have known people from this so-called preferred and
privileged world, and some of them have been enormously
successful at navigating the name-fame-money game. Others
have not. Why and why not? So many factors not related to this
book play a role in one’s success that it is dangerous to attempt
even a simple explanation.
Conversely, not having to live up to a name-fame-money

scenario allows an individual to have a kind of freedom. If
no one is there to open doors for you, you feel a sense of
accomplishment when you open those doors yourself.
This gives you a feeling of satisfaction and raises your
14
Chapter 2: Where are you headed?
self-confidence. You’ll be able to create your own intrinsic

reward system for the next time the door won’t budge and you
have to find a way in anyway. You will be less likely to give up,
because you will have learned firsthand what it feels like to
make it happen all by yourself.
Not that success happens in a vacuum! If you are not born with
the advantages you believe you deserve, look around and see
who is there for you. There are people ready to push you
forward, but you must recognize them and reach out: a teacher,
a co-worker in your “slack” job, a family member, a friend,
your parents. It might even be someone you go to a lecture to
hear, or the person who is sitting next to you at the local coffee
shop. It might even be parents who encourage you to learn by
doing, instead of doing everything for you. This is the best
scenario, but it’s possibly the rarest. I know I have certainly
failed at times to reach my children through advice, guidance,
and wisdom—okay, lectures.
And it doesn’t matter anyway.
This book is about how to find and expedite your way to what
you define as “success.” Start by first accepting and dealing
with whatever you carry around related to how you see your-
self. Begin making the necessary behavioral and psychological
changes to your outlook, so that you can start chipping away at
your feelings about who you are NOW.
Here is an example of what I’m talking about. Let’s say that

you need to study for a test, and then you need to get a good
night’s sleep. However, friends are pressuring you to go out
and party. You know better. You might not even want to go. But
instead of being true to that voice in your head and mustering
up the discipline to do what you need to, you go. There are
consequences: you oversleep and feel lousy the morning of the
test. Now you’ve lost your sharpness and already feel tired.
15
You don’t do well on the test, and you feel badly about it
all. You tell yourself that it won’t happen again, but will it?
It’s amazing how often we break promises to ourselves. Our
self-esteem suffers, and it gets harder and harder to break the
bad habits. It can take years (and even therapy) to re-teach
ourselves how to be who we are or who we want to be if the
cycle isn’t broken early.
Get real. Lose the front.
Too many young people try to be who they are not. I recently
had a more-than-capable student tell me that she comes from a
monied town in Connecticut. After normal conversation, I
learned that she is really from New Jersey. Somehow, in our
brand-conscious society, Greenwich, Connecticut sounded
better. After all, she rationalized, her mother had driven to
Greenwich for the actual delivery! Somehow, that counted
more than the fact that she had never lived there. From the
outside, it seemed hard to understand why she misrepresented
herself: This young woman is smart, articulate, and attractive
in all the ways that matter to young people. Yet deep down, she
was afraid to be who she was and was afraid of what people
would think or assume if she said she was from New Jersey. It
didn’t matter at all to me where she was from, and her
pretention troubled me. What else is she concealing about
the real person? I wondered. Maybe her peers aren’t able to see
through it, but I doubt that, too. Young people are very good at
recognizing veneer when they see it.
I know quite a few young people who have been brave enough
to talk about their feelings of shame because their family
name is tarnished or lacks any kind of social ring or standing.
Whether it’s having no one in the family who’s formally
16
educated or having a parent or sibling who is in jail, feeling

guilty by association gets in the way of learning to be true to
who you are. You don’t have to air your dirty laundry, but you
must find a way to separate the behavior and choices of others
from who you are (and certainly where you are headed). You
are not pre-determined to follow the footsteps of anyone,
but if you have been raised in extreme circumstances, you
might need to take a different path to get to where you are
going. Look around: The world is full of examples of people
who have overcome a painful and far-from-perfect upbringing.
I am an example of that, and there are many others—names

you’d all recognize. Many people who have achieved success
on their own honest terms do not come from a vaulted family
name or high social standing. Keep that in mind. Seek inspira-
tion in the lives of those who did it like you must do it. It’s a
lofty and impressive crowd. They have more than the right
clothes, latest phones, PDAs, and fancy apartments: They also
have respect. Professional football player Warrick Dunn, media
mogul Oprah Winfrey, author David Sedaris, businessperson
Mary Kay, and anti-apartheid leader Nelson Mandela (who
spent 25 difficult years in prison because of his political beliefs)
have earned the respect of millions. Talk about working
through the pain of not reaching your goal immediately! Many
normal everyday people like you and me have overcome
significant odds. We’re everywhere. Most of us are not living
under the glare of media attention; we are raising families,
building communities, and finding our way through life with
its inevitable ups and downs that all people face, no matter
how rich or famous.
Try to see the benefits of living a life on your own terms, minus
any baggage or prestige. Create a life that you can be proud of,
and lose the stuff that brings you down. Make an honest
assessment of what you’ve been given, earned, and chosen. Use
what works for you, and lose the rest.
17
Let’s have a shout out for honesty!
Honesty is about coming clean to yourself. It’s an inside-the-

head discussion you have with that little voice that no one
hears but you. I call it your conscience, but you can call it
whatever you like. Your inner voice or conscience tries to
lead you in the right direction, but you mute it when you
decide another way is good for the moment. Listening to your
inner voice is the first step to getting real. Choose to discipline
yourself and act with thought and consideration. Put a person
or a goal first. It’s more important than satisfying your own
more-childish or self-centered immediate needs.
Sure, you can go drinking with your friends. You can also
choose not to. You can buy that dress with your credit card, or
you can instead choose to save the money. You can tell the
white lie to someone you are supposed to love or honor, or you
can steel yourself and give an honest response. You can deny
your past or make up a life history in a world you wish you
inhabited, or you can joke about not being able to afford some-
thing because your trust fund is overdrawn for the month.
When everyone laughs, just tell them it’s a joke, and that you
really can’t afford it. Do what is necessary to reconcile what
you have been and are with what you want to be. Just do it.
Getting “there” takes time,

but opportunities are everywhere.
Public relations firms get to work with some impressive and

interesting people. My own firm deals with athletes and events,
so I am able to get up close with a part of humanity that is very
different from what most people see in their everyday lives. I
meet world-class athletes who practice over and over, devoting
a lifetime to reaching the pinnacle of success. Race car drivers
18
and professional football and hockey players understand that

excellence can only be achieved over time. They take on the
little things as if they were huge, and make extraordinary
sacrifices that are never publicized. They rise early to train, and
then they go to team meetings to learn new plays. They
practice, eat well, work out on their own, and then have to rest
their muscles in a way that will allow them to get up the next
day and do it all over again. They miss significant events
because they must travel for their “work,” and they have to put
up with a lot of physical pain. They have stresses in their
marriages, and relationships that are difficult for the rest of us
to imagine. All we see is what’s on the surface: sculpted bodies,
victory celebrations, and photos in celebrity magazines of
professional athletes with their families.
These men and women practice the same drills and exercises
over and over again. They spend hours at the gym every day.
They run and they bike. Every day. They pay attention to how
today’s workout was a better workout than yesterday’s, and
obsess about their diet and all things related to good health so
they can beat out the competition. Professional athletes work
toward perfection and are well aware that it does not come
easy. They punish their bodies and train their minds to go
further and push harder. Food, calories, time, and other
interests are sacrificed to achieve the greater goal.
I do think much in the world of sports training is extreme,

but there are still very good lessons we can all learn. Not giving
up when we fail to achieve our goals the first go-round is
one of those lessons. It will take work, discipline, and good old
stick-to-itiveness.
I teach classes at the University of Tampa, and every semester

two or three students drop my class after our first meeting—
you know, the one where we talk about the workload and
my expectations. I don’t want to scare students away, but I
have to stress that in my classroom, work is required. The
work will be manageable for students who have the ability to
19
work through obstacles, and I stress that they don’t have to run
away from them. They understand that in the end, learning
more and having a wider view of the world is worth what it
takes to do the work. Others are scared that they won’t be able
to keep up. I work hard to encourage them to hang in there.
I want to show them proof at the end of the semester that they
were able to do it and they did do it, even though it took a
special effort.
I know of no other way to improve at anything than to

focus and practice. After all, it is the way most people we all
admire get to where they are. Becoming good at something is
not easy or fast. Time and time again, we see that with some
work, effort, and practice, almost anyone can improve at
anything. Throw in some desire and maybe even a healthy
level of competition, and anything is possible. Big dreams
require big work!
Help is out there.
If you have an opportunity to examine your upbringing and be

truly honest with yourself about who you are, by all means
take advantage of it. Take the chance. Try to explore and dispel
the myth that you are forever tarnished because of the acts of
others. Do it by yourself or with professional help—I promise
that it will be worth it. And in time, you might be the voice
someone else needs to hear in order to understand the com-
plexity of their baggage. What matters is where you want to go.
Take small steps. Listen to your inner voice, and be true to
what it is saying. The social consequences of being real will be
a bit uncomfortable at times, but it will get easier and feel right.
You might lose some friends in the process, but as you may
have realized by now, those losses are necessary if you are to
grow. True friends do not walk out when you decide to be who
you are. They will support your efforts.
20
Your days of pretending will be over when you are true to who
you are, no matter where you came from. Start with baby steps,
and in no time you’ll be free of the burden.
21
Let’s Get Started

Before you go on to the next chapter, try to answer these
questions as honestly and completely as you can. (Take at
least 15 minutes for this.)
1. What would you like to change? Your social graces?

Your listening skills? Your shyness?
How can you improve on that for your future?
2. What are you proud of about your family or the way

you were raised?
How can you incorporate that into your life now?
3. What embarrasses you the most about your family or

upbringing?
Can you identify the root cause of your embarrassment?
4. Can you change or fix what embarrasses you?

Can you examine these things and then leave them as a part
of your valued past, accepting that they are no longer
relevant to your life?
Should you speak to someone professionally to overcome
this?
5. List three examples of what you have overcome about your

past or upbringing.
1.
2.
3.
6. In what ways are you susceptible to media influence?

How can you minimize that effect?
22
Chapter 3
Your Strengths and Weaknesses
Get to know your weaknesses. Your strengths are obvious,

but your weaknesses are not. They’ll show up eventually!
It doesn’t take long for most of us to recognize what we are

good at. Take athletic ability, for example: Because stats are
kept and there is usually some level of spectating, it’s pretty
obvious to see how one athlete stacks up against the others and
which athletes are weaker in which areas. If you have ever been
involved in dance, debate, or music or you are the next great
whatever, you have likely faced some level of competition
yourself. Competition is not always fair or objective, but it is
one way to see what we are good at and what our skills are.
Good is great, but what about the not-so-good stuff?

And why does it matter?
As an educator, I am not as worried about what my students

do well on as I am about what I can do to help them improve
in areas of weaker competence. This is the area for real growth
and development, and this is the area we tend to ignore, go
around, avoid, fail to focus on, and sometimes even deny.
23
Doing something well makes you feel good, and you might
get positive reinforcement from others (which will make you
feel even better). But if you don’t do well, it can be your
greatest teacher.
At about halfway through a teaching semester, I sit down

privately with each one of my students to review their grades.
I do this to give them insight into how they can work to
improve their grade. It sometimes ends with a student in tears,
because the student has no choice but to see, in black and
white, exactly what the situation is: how many classes they
missed, grades on a range of progress, and the state of the
grade. Often they feel dejected, frustrated, unhappy, angry,
and overwhelmed.
Using the student’s grade as a benchmark, I try to explain how

this discomfort is actually an invitation to improve—an
opportunity to choose to make it better. In black and white
terms, I show them how coming to class can make a difference;
that reading the assignment matters; that communicating with
the professor is important; and that paying attention to the
details of homework can make a difference to their grade.
Often, the student tears up, promises to do better, begs for extra
credit, tries to cajole, and makes excuses for their lack of
attention. Most students leave worried.
Here’s the amazing part: Few students accept the invitation

to grow! Recently, I had two very capable young women sit
down with me midway through the semester. One asked
me very directly, “If I start attending class and do all my
class assignments and homework, can I improve beyond
my current failing grade?” I told her that if she kept in very
close communication with me by asking questions in order to
understand the assignments and she committed to doing all
the other things I suggested, she could indeed, at a minimum,
pass my class and graduate on time. She made very
few improvements, and actually got a well-deserved failing
grade. She will not graduate as planned, and neither will her
24
Chapter 3: Your Strengths and Weaknesses
classmate. These students and others before them failed to

accept the consequences of their choices, despite being made
aware of them. Sometimes the consequences were significant.
Look at the weak side.
Everyone wants the benefits of freedom, but in order to be

independent and enjoy success on your own terms, you have
to take full and personal responsibility for your actions. If
you are to know and enjoy the company of others and be free
to grow into whatever you want to be, you must learn that your
actions and inactions are really at the heart of what matters.
Identifying what you have not accomplished or mastered is the

best roadmap for turning that around. The decision to do that
work (and it must be on a conscious level) is the only thing I’ve
ever seen that can reverse your fortune. You must look,
identify, and focus on all the yuck stuff, and break it into small
bites to un-learn and re-learn. And then you must move on.
This is much harder to do than it is to write about, but trust me:
avoiding and ignoring your “stuff” will not move you forward.
I once had a young employee who spoke often about her

parents’ controlling natures. She was a college graduate and
was very capable in her work, but she was frustrated at not
getting the support and approval from her parents. They didn’t
like her boyfriend, they thought she spent too much money,
and they had decided that she wasn’t religious enough. She
knew every detail of their criticisms! It made no sense to me.
This was a very accomplished young woman with a record of
achievement and success at the university level before she
came to work with me. She had all the superficial stuff, too,
such as looks and nice clothes. After working together for a
while, it became quite clear to me that this lack of parental
support had affected her self-confidence. She suffered from
25
panic attacks and severe social anxiety, and it scared me on a

personal level to see her denigrate who she was, how she
looked, and what she was about.
As I came to know this young woman better, I discovered that

while she truly could not stand her parents interfering and
giving her so much negative feedback, she also could not get
out from under them because she lived at home. I once asked
her why she’d chosen at her age to live at home, given the toll
it was taking on her mental and emotional health. She talked
about the benefits of the big house, and explained that her
parents traveled and weren’t around all the time and she didn’t
have to pay rent, utilities, or even her credit card bills. She
thought they would even pay for the nose job she wanted so
badly (though her nose was perfect). Who could beat that?
What she did not understand is that because her parents were
essentially supporting her in their home, they had every right
to call the shots.
My young staffer wasn’t really ready to examine why the situa-

tion was the way it was. She didn’t want to closely inspect why
her parents behaved as they did. If she did, it would mean she’d
also have to look at her own role in the family dynamic. Did
they really just not like her boyfriend? Or was it hearing about
his gambling that caused the friction? Was she really spending
too much money? Or was she just taking advantage?
This young woman wasn’t really ready to give up the money

part, so she had to live with the rest of it. Her mental and
emotional well-being was bought for the price of material
comforts. She had enough money to live on her own, but
she was the one who made the decision to live at home, rather
than grow up and take responsibility for who she was and how
she lived.
She is professional and competent, and able to get her work

done neatly and on time. Her career is ascending, and she is
still with the same boyfriend. I will know she is growing up
26
when she tells me she is moving out, because this will show
that she has accepted the “invitation” to learn how much she is
capable of.
I was quite fond of one young employee who worked for me

for several years. She was diligent, professional, capable, and
productive. However, she was not really tolerant of anyone
who could not work at her pace. It caused problems with
clients, because it manifested itself as impatience and snobbery.
I had to break it to her that her demeanor and attitude might be
destructive to her future ambitions. I told her that she had a
choice: either deal with her weaknesses, or ignore them. (You
have that same choice.) “Laura” chose to deal with her
problem, so we made a plan. She admitted that patience was
not her forte, so we explored why. As she shared her thoughts
and feelings, she began to see her shortcomings. She admitted
that she thought certain clients were being lazy and that
she never considered the possibility that there were many
demands on their time.
Laura slowly grew to understand client perspectives, and was

eventually able to forgive the small things that had frustrated
her before. She took the time and energy to examine what she
had been doing and correct it, and she no longer got angry
when a client was late for a deadline. She accepted responsi-
bility, took the time to look at her own role in the situation,
found a solution, and moved on. Laura eventually left our firm
to take a job with one of our clients, and she continues to grow.
I am so proud of her, because I know what her benchmark was.
Pay attention to what is going on with you.
Notice when something hurts, doesn’t feel right, or feels too

bad or too good. Find the time and take the time to be honest
with yourself.
27
Pace yourself.
Young people who have very high expectations often become

frustrated when change does not happen quickly. Some just
give up. Slow down and focus on the small steps you are
making toward breaking a habit or changing a behavior.
Closely examine the consequences of your actions.
Here’s an example of what I mean. Let’s say you want to stop

biting your nails. Lots of your friends have this habit, don’t
they? They try all kinds of things to stop. Some paint terrible-
tasting chemicals on the nail tips, while others cover the nails
with band-aids so they won’t be able to get at the nails. These
and other tactics don’t seem to work, despite the best of
intentions. The nail biting continues, no matter how hard they
try to stop.
Why is it so hard? The habit probably started out of anxiety

or boredom, and before you realized it, the habit had taken
strong hold of you. Habits are like that: Breaking them means
taking control of them. I think of personal weaknesses in the
same way. You have to grab the controls.
Habitual tardiness is also a common problem, but remember:

the individual chooses to be late, either by not planning the day
or by not disciplining himself or herself to arrive on time.
People who are habitually tardy create all kinds of problems
for others: meeting time is lost, flights are missed, and so on.
You can damage your reputation because of these choices,
because colleagues will lose their sense of trust and confidence
in you. Sometimes, the consequences are severe.
When my sons worked part time for me, I had to fire both of
them for tardiness. One thought that 9:30 a.m. was a good time
to arrive at the office, despite a 9:00 a.m. start time for everyone
else. Even then, he came in with breakfast that he “needed to
eat” before he got to the pile of work on his desk. My other son
28
thought that it would also be okay if he were a little late, since

he was “tired.” They were only teenagers, but I had already
warned them about these bad work habits. Their failure to
accept the rules cost them their jobs with me. They eventually
figured things out, and today they arrive on time (as far as I
know). At least they do when I am around!
Consequences can be costly. Failing to identify and address

weaknesses or shortcomings might have financial reper-
cussions, but more significant is when we lose self-esteem,
the respect of our colleagues and peers, knowledge, or a
promotion. If things are not going your way, take a step
back and examine why. If you are truly honest with yourself,
you’ll probably realize that your current circumstances are the
consequence of ignoring a habit or weakness that needed
attention or of immaturity. Maybe the problem calls for plain
old start-from-scratch change. Take a few minutes to fill out the
short self-assessment that follows on the next page before you
go to the next chapter.
29
A Quick Self-Assessment
Start looking at yourself right now. Don’t wait.
What are obvious areas of your life you can strengthen,
beginning now? List three.
1.
2.
3.
How can you make these changes?
List ways to begin. Each one should start with the words
“Pay attention when I am . . .”
Acknowledging that you have a problem is half the battle.
Pay attention when I am . . .
Are there others who can coach or mentor you in these areas?
List each weakness you identified and the name of a possible
coach or mentor. Then call and ASK FOR HELP.
Weakness Possible coach or mentor
1.
2.
3.
(continued)
30
A Quick Self-Assessment (concluded)
List some of the consequences you have suffered because you

have not addressed your weaker side.
1.
2.
3.
Remind yourself of the rewards for taking an active role in

getting to know your weaknesses.
1.
2.
3.
List things that you have done to change things that needed
changing.
1.
2.
3.
31
Chapter 4
How will you know

where you really want to be?
Of all the questions or topics I’m asked about, this has to be the
top vote-getter:
“How can I find out where I want to be, and when will I know?”
I don’t have a crystal ball to look into your future, but I do have
some tried-and-true tactics that will eventually lead you to
where you are meant to be. They’re not magic and they won’t
work as quickly as you’d like, but if you are willing to think (as
well as make some mistakes), you can figure out the answer.
Young men as a rule don’t ask me this question, but young

women do. The guys are eager to know where they ought to be,
but do seem to feel more comfortable wondering out loud
about their future, and might be more aware of what happens
when someone forces himself or herself into a career that isn’t
right for them. And they are thinking about their future.
I don’t intend this book to be about the mysteries of the X and

Y chromosomes, but I do see a trend in young men to want to
find inspiring work instead of a “good” (code for well-paying)
job. This is promising news in the long run for all of us. As a
wife and ex-wife, I know how much men invest themselves in
33
who they are and what they do, and how much a man’s sense
of self is tied to what he does for a living. I am the mother
and stepmother of sons, and I want all young men to know
the intrinsic joy of doing something they like and find mean-
ingful. If you do what you enjoy, the rewards will follow.
Remember that.
For some reason, young women feel pressured to know what

they want their lives to be now. I have known only a handful of
young people who had a clear vision of their calling early on.
Most do not. Give yourself permission to stop pressuring
yourself! What makes you think you should know all things at
all times? Give yourself the conceptual space and freedom to be
open to learning. Participate and ask questions, but stop
thinking that as soon as you graduate, you will or should
know. That comes with life experience and further education.
Career paths are rarely straight lines.
Think of your professional life as a work in progress. When you

started college, you came in as one person, seeing life through
one prism. I doubt that you felt the same after four years of
undergraduate work and a few life experiences. You grew,
changed, and adapted. Sometimes you made a conscious effort
to do so, and sometimes you just accepted that you were
different—more evolved.
Discovering where you are meant to be will take time and self-
examination. Most of the interesting people I know found their
way via a series of small events that seemed unimportant at the
time. Pay attention to everything around you, and don’t miss
what is in front of you. Living too far in the future is dangerous
because you will likely fail to recognize those opportunities
that lie right under your nose. By the same token, look ahead.
34
Chapter 4: How will you know where you really want to be?
Don’t be afraid to dream out loud (or at least out loud in your
own mind!). You have real power: the power of allowing
yourself to peek into what your core dreams are. It is real.
And don’t allow others to decide for you! This is your life,
and no one understands, plans, or even knows it like you do.
No one.
Where will you go?
One of my favorite mentors had planned as a young girl to be

a ballerina and dance professionally. Today, she runs the
entertainment division of a theme park company whose name
you would surely recognize. She truly loved to dance, but came
to realize that she had a real talent for performing and has
the unique ability to spot and train other talented performers
in other areas. She was honest with herself, and realized that
her petite 5' 2" frame was not the body type preferred by top
ballet companies. She stayed with the theme park for decades,
but in the meantime honed her skills and moved up within
the organization to a position that was the right fit for her
interests, her talents, and her experience. Later on, she became
a mentor to other women who were searching for support and
inspiration. She became who she was meant to be, but only
because early on she put in the effort to understand her real
abilities and potential.
Another one of my favorite mentors began her professional

career as a model. Still a striking beauty in the over-60 age
bracket, she rose to be the CEO of an international fashion
house that is among the crème de la crème of the couture
world. Smarter than some were willing to give her credit
for, my friend learned the business of fashion and was realistic
about the life span of a model’s career. She didn’t deny
35
the short-term nature of the typical modeling career, but

instead took advantage of it. She watched and asked questions,
and in a relatively short time, what she had learned about the
industry helped her earn the respect and admiration of her
peers and competitors. Now retired, she shares her wisdom
and guidance with me as I continue to grow and find my own
way. What a gift.
Still another mentor got her start in the consumer goods indus-
try via a powerhouse hair-care brand. Today, she owns her
own small business and is changing the face of pediatric cancer
research. This important work came out of her personal
experience raising a young daughter who had been diagnosed
with cancer. My friend decided that she could change her
corner of the world by raising money and awareness. A single
parent who works long hours, she managed to put together a
brain trust of some of the brightest minds in our country for
pediatric cancer research. She is living the life she created and
chose. You will probably never see her name in lights, but her
work has been highlighted in medical publications. The beauty
of her life is that she has zero desire for a position in the media.
She is making the world a better place, and that is what she is
focused on. She has the energy and the desire to move in the
direction of her calling. It is far from what she imagined her life
would be, but it is clearly where she is meant to be.
Start your own reality check-up now.
Take the time to get in touch with what you are good at doing.
Guys as a rule don’t have a problem with this, but young
women, on the other hand, do. Young women tend to under-
value their unique contributions with messages like these:
36
Oh, that was a volunteer thing!

That was just a part-time gig.
I had to do that for a school project.
You can’t make a living at that! (my personal favorite)
You can make a living at almost anything you love enough.
I have friends who are writers, artists, social entrepreneurs, and

wallpaper makers, and they created their lives from scratch.
Conversely, I have known young men who claimed mastery

over a wide range of topics, but struggled with how to get
started or how to launch their “big idea.” Totally normal.
It is overwhelming! Just change your perspective and look at
things from a different angle.
I once had a student who was sure he wanted to work for an

ad agency, and he was talented enough to make it happen. I set
up an interview for him before he graduated, and he never
showed. I assume it was because he was afraid. I felt a sense
of loss for this young man, because he definitely had the talent
and the potential and I would have given him strong consider-
ation for a job. I later heard through other students that he
moved back home to the northeast and went to work
in the family business—something he swore he’d never do.
I haven’t given up on him, though. I still believe he can
change his direction—but only if he wants to and is willing
to work for it.
Now let’s talk about you.
What are you good at? What do you enjoy? What do you
naturally gravitate toward? Don’t just think about now—think
back to your younger self and what you did back then. Maybe
you had a way with animals or could sail a boat with ease.
37
Maybe you always had a lemonade stand in the neighborhood.

Maybe you were a math wiz, or the best set designer in the
neighborhood for backyard plays. Or maybe you loved those
science projects I dreaded! Did you love to write, draw, or solve
problems? Did you help your friends make their dreams come
true in a behind-the-scenes way? Without a doubt, I am sure
you have or can rekindle some kind of interest you had way
back when.
Well, grab hold of it and turn it into a professional pursuit.

And stop doubting yourself! Find people who will inspire and
encourage you, and stay away from those who tell you it can’t
be done. If Martha Stewart can make a fortune convincing
people that homemaking is alluring, you can find your way,
too! She turned a field of study that many poked fun at for
years into a dreamy pursuit, and made us all feel a little more
able and capable. She brought respectability back to home-
makers in a way that was long overdue, and became a brand
that is known all over the world.
A young woman I will call Mary Margaret loved animals as a

child, and grew to enjoy and value the outdoor world and
nature. She camped, ran, and hiked, and wanted to be a
veterinarian. Eventually, she combined her love of animals
with her love of the outdoors, and went on to major in zoology.
When she graduated, she called me to ask if I could help open
a door for her because she had set her sights on marine
mammals and wanted to train whales. I was happy to do so
because I had known her for a long time and was fond of her. I
knew of her love for the outdoors, and I admired her physical
abilities, moral character, and integrity. I knew I could proudly
recommend her for consideration, and that she would do
the rest. Long before she entered college, Mary Margaret
impressed me with her willingness and desire to live a full life
on her own terms.
She did not become a whale trainer instantly, or even over-

night. She worked hard to get physically stronger, and she
38
put in the extra time watching and studying animals and

their trainers. She showed her commitment by agreeing to
work additional hours and crazy shifts. Her respect for the job,
the trainers, and the animals was demonstrated every day. And
when she needed help, she asked for it.
Mary Margaret’s job training marine mammals is the dream job

for many young women, but she is one of the very few who
achieved it. She did it by maximizing her natural interests and
putting her college studies to work. She pursued her interests
all through college, volunteering at animal shelters and taking
an active interest in the natural world around her. Mary
Margaret had plenty of friends and dated, but she did not
allow anyone to distract her from her dream.
Expect it to be difficult—you’ll be ahead of the pack.
I want to be clear about something: Success and the dream job

do not just “happen.” It takes hard work (harder than what
“just a job” requires), and it takes sacrifice. Instead of watching
TV, you’ll have to read journals and books in the field, perhaps
learn a second language, find a mentor, or take a graduate
class. But you must be honest with yourself and assess what
you are willing to pay or give up in order to live the life of your
dreams and have a career or job you believe you are meant to
have. I’ll wager that if you plan and execute well, the rewards
will come and life will get easier. But hear me clearly: There is
no shortcut for the hard work it takes to find out where you are
meant to be. There is no easy way, but there will be times when
it feels so good, you’ll hardly notice what you’re giving up
along the way.
Give yourself some credit for the 20 or so years you have

already lived. I guarantee that you have been good at some-
thing or taken more than a casual interest in something. What
have people told you that you were good at doing, being,
39
creating? What made you feel peaceful, content, or fulfilled

when you were in the middle of it (when maybe others
couldn’t understand why or how you could spend hours doing
it)? It’s there. Just go back and find it again.
Ask yourself how you might turn that interest, talent, or knack
into a professional life that pays in personal and professional
satisfaction, as well as financial compensation.
Go in that direction.
You might not have a specific target at first, and that’s okay.
Just experiment to find what suits you best. But GO!
Take Chances
It’s never too late to create or take advantage of opportunities

to do internships or volunteer work in fields you are interested
in, even slightly. Rather than just fill a slot, be the judge of what
is the best fit for you. The main point I want to make is not to
automatically go for a job someone else created, but to at least
consider creating your own. You be the judge of what is the
best fit for you. Just dream big.
If you want to make horseshoes, do some research and find

someone who will teach you—someone who will let you hang
around and clean up. If no one in your town makes horseshoes,
find out if family or friends know someone in their town or
city who does, and go there. Offer to be an extra hand for
the summer, and learn as much as you can. You will get life
experience, as well as knowledge about your field of interest.
We have an “adopted” African student who has become a part

of our family. Our oldest son George met Stanley one summer
while he was interning in Zimbabwe, and eventually we were
able to help him come to the United States to play soccer in
college. This had been a long-term life-changing dream of
40
Stanley’s. His family scraped the money together to help him,

and he finally arrived in sunny Florida with their full blessing.
He came home from college in Tennessee one summer to be
with us and work a landscaping job. Where he is from, they
don’t have landscaping, but Stanley was happy to learn a new
skill. He was also used to the heat, but he wasn’t used to getting
up at the crack of dawn and having to wear the type of clothing
needed for protection from the sun and machinery. He was
also not used to work, because there aren’t any jobs for teens in
Zimbabwe. But Stanley seized the chance. One day he came
home dead tired and achy, and I sat down with him to relax.
He began to talk about his life in general.
“One thing I know is this,” he told me. “I am grateful for this

job, and I am especially happy to make enough to help
my family back in Bulawayo. But I will be looking for an
air-conditioned job when I graduate from college!”
I laughed out loud, and so did he. But I was most grateful that
he chose to learn from the experience, rather than complain
or look for easier jobs in the summer. He is eternally grateful
that his employer took on a kid with no experience and no
knowledge about the equipment. He showed up everyday with
a strong body, ready to do what was needed to get the job
done. He also has the will to improve his life. He didn’t have
much else at the time, but it was just what was needed to get
the job done.
I am so grateful that our son met Stanley and campaigned to

get him over here. He helped improve his life and that of his
family, and this is a noble effort. Who says youth can’t change
the world? You CAN change it, and you can do so in ways that
fit your interests and the life you want to live.
41
An Action Plan in 7 Steps

The hardest part of doing something new or different is the
beginning. Here are seven steps to get you started thinking about
where you want to go in life.
1. Commit to your dreams in writing. Use your journal
or note the details in your online diary. A journal is best,
because someday you might want to pull it all out and put it
into a book. Just put your dreams into words, and date it.
Update it and read what you’ve written as often as you can.
2. Find some quiet time and space, and mentally go back to
your younger years. Can you recall two or three strengths or
interests that show a pattern or common theme?
•
3. Now list jobs or career areas where these strengths could be

used or would be considered an asset.
•
4. What are you willing to change or sacrifice in order to get

into this area or line of work? Be specific.
•
(continued)
42
An Action Plan in 7 Steps (concluded)
5. List at least three that will help you get moving on this.
•
6. List the names of specific individuals you can go to for help,

inspiration, advice, introductions, or knowledge. Try for six
or more, and note what kind of help they might be able to
offer.
•
7. Write down a date when you will promise yourself to have

made at least some of these things happen.
Example: Within 30 days from today or by ______, 2009,
I will . . .
FINALLY…
Go back and read these notes every day, until you have com-
pleted each actionable objective. Copy them and put them into
your PDA or any other high-tech or low-tech device where you’ll
be able to access them easily.
43
And now let’s take a look at your options. You do have them,
you know! Let’s decide what sacrifices you are willing to make,
and which ones you will not make.
44
Chapter 5
Sacrifices
Let me say this right up front, because it is important for many

reasons: I believe with all my heart that you, my reader, can do
anything you truly want to do. And I mean anything. But in an
effort to get there, you will also have to make sacrifices. All
along the way, you will be asking yourself:
Do I really want this?
Sometimes you will, and sometimes you won’t. But either way,
I suggest that you give it some thought now, before other
people get too involved in your dream and before you make
too many mistakes right off the bat.
Decide what sacrifices you will make (and you will make
some). Sacrifices are a part of the deal if you intend to be better
than good at whatever it is you want to achieve. That’s
just reality. You must be willing to do what it takes. Whatever
it takes.
Obviously, the harder you work, the greater your chance

of success. This is not obvious to many young people. Yes, it
helps to have connections, but it is still not enough by itself.
Work is always going to be required for any kind of long-term
success, and work means sacrifice. You might have to give up
45
a relationship, move across the country, take jobs you don’t feel
like doing, move laterally in the organization in order to have
a chance to move up—you get the picture.
Before you graduate . . .
Give some thought to what you’ll have to sacrifice, but do it

before graduation. When you begin the interviewing process,
the subject of relocation is bound to come up in some form or
another. Many young people do not see relocating as a sacrifice
until they pack up their belongings and begin to deal with a
moving company. Or they have to move themselves (which is
often the case these days).
Waving goodbye to friends and family is not as easy as one

might imagine. Technology helps us stay in touch, but leaving
all that is familiar to you is not going to be fun. It is a personal
sacrifice that says I am willing to commit to this in a big way,
despite the personal losses. The losses are very real, but they are a
part of the sacrifice picture. And to make things more
complicated, they are also worth it.
You will have to learn to get from here to there—you know,

find out where to shop for groceries and where to get your hair
cut. You will also have to make new friends and make a living.
Along the way, you’ll experience a sense of loss and loneliness,
and you will feel frustrated that all does not flow as smoothly
as it did when you were home.
Ask yourself if the job you’re applying or interviewing for is

a job you want. Do you feel prepared to take it on? And is it
part of your grander plan (which we all agree is a fluid plan
that will change at any time)? If all things look “right,” then
I say go for it.
46
Chapter 5: Sacrifices
Will it be easy? No. Will it be fun? Sometimes. Will it open your

world? Yes, but only if you let it. Many a miserable young
person has moved away from home, only to think up a million
reasons later on why it isn’t working out. Many times, it has
more to do with attitude than anything else. Just tell yourself
right off the bat that something big (like moving) is not going
to be easy.
You can do anything you want to do,

if you are willing to make some sacrifices.
Some years ago, my kids went off to live in New York City, and
I remember them saying how lonely the city could be at times.
They were surrounded by people, but often felt homesick for
the familiar. They both made it just fine once they admitted
their feelings and worked through them. Anywhere can seem
lonely when you are trying to find your way. It is usually a
temporary feeling, so don’t give in to it. Work through it and
see what time brings. Even if you eventually decide that a
certain place is not the right place for you, you will have
learned so much more if you refuse to give in to the early pangs
of Wait—this isn’t perfect!
How much is enough?
Every job will require something from you over and above
the work. Corporate jobs are often extremely demanding of
your time. Most jobs require you to do a range of things, from
making coffee in the morning to writing reports and proposals.
You might have to learn things and perform duties you aren’t
crazy about.
We had an Italian exchange student who went to work in the

fashion industry in New York City after he finished his
master’s degree in Italy. He began the fashion job as an intern,
and was outraged when he was asked to make coffee as part of
47
his duties. He called to tell us how unfair the treatment had

been, and was shocked when we did not agree with him.
Certain decisions must be calculated for sure, but a young (and
foreign) intern must find a way to differentiate himself from
the pack—fetching or making coffee is one way to do it. Look
at each situation carefully to determine the possible gains and
losses. The act of sacrificing one’s pride to make coffee for
everybody else will be the right thing for one person and not
right for another.
Back in my early career days, I made an intentional decision

not to learn to type. Many women believed back in the
late 1970s that learning to type implied that your skills
and ambitions were mainly secretarial or clerical. I was a
college graduate, after all—I’m going to have someone type for
me! And I did, for quite awhile. Then one day computers
became real and secretaries became almost obsolete. I was
writing more and more, and I began to see the need to learn
how to type. I could have learned years before, but I had
stubbornly refused. Not only did I have to teach myself, but it
was embarrassing to have to learn such a thing when everyone
around me already knew how to do it. To this day, I am a
terrible typist, but I have certainly learned to compensate.
Typing is an absolute must in my world, and I cannot imagine
what my stubbornness cost me in terms of time and frustration.
When you have the opportunity to learn a new skill, do it

sooner rather than later. It will not be as painful, and the
sacrifice won’t be as great. Trust me on this.
My thinking was flawed anyway. Positioning myself for

“appearance” purposes (in my case, not learning how to type)
is bound to end up in the not-so-smart category. Learning is
good. Take in as much as you can when you have the
opportunity, and save yourself the agony of having to learn the
hard way.
48
But what if you really decide you don’t want to make sacrifices?
That is fine, too—but be very aware of the consequences, and
think them through with someone you admire and respect.
Here’s an example of why it is important to be willing to do

what it takes, even when you’d rather be doing something else:
Almost everyone I know who excels at what they do had to
make some sacrifices in the beginning. They did it to learn the
job and become what I call “job literate,” instead of just taking
up space in the office. Maybe you have to sit at your desk
after everyone else has gone home. Maybe you have to read
more than your professional colleagues, attend extra training
classes, ask more questions, or put in more time outside the
office to grow your knowledge base. Working after everyone
else goes home is the kind of sacrifice that will pay off in the
long run.
When I went to work for Procter and Gamble right out of

college, I had no idea what I was in for. I was a criminology
major with a minor in women’s studies, and there was
no model for people like me. The majority of people hired
into the P&G executive management training program back
then were business majors. I was hired because of what was
later explained to me as a “successful history of campus
leadership”—something the company valued. Procter and
Gamble did not have too many women in the program, so I felt
extra responsibility to do well on behalf of women everywhere.
To me, that meant trying to distinguish myself while also
trying to fit in. I was a pretty adamant feminist back then, but I
got along well with the men I worked with. It has served me
well, I think.
I remember being overwhelmed by the business terminology

at Procter and Gamble, as well as the company’s planning. I had
zero knowledge and experience with either of these things, but
I knew I had to learn—not only to survive in the job, but also
because I wanted to be more than just good. I wanted to learn
everything there was about the grocery business: packaging,
49
branding, and sales. I learned how to write a business plan, and

that knowledge has served me well time and again. I spent long
hours reading, learning, and thinking about how to stand out
from the rest of the management trainees.
P&G taught me about the importance of hard work and the

benefits associated with sacrificing. I learned that a non-
business-major can learn business if he or she wants to. I also
learned what true leadership is. I clearly remember my
manager at P&G telling me that his job was to make me
successful. He took painstaking time and energy with me,
which I needed, and he showed me that a real leader inspires
others. I lost touch with this man over the years, but his words
have stayed with me. Helping others find their way is a
significant part of what I enjoy in my work, and it all started
with his commitment to helping me.
Your Personal Life
If you want to do well (anything above average), your personal

time will have to be sacrificed. You will have to give up TV to
keep up with professional journals, books, and papers. You
will not make the Happy Hour circuit a good amount of the
time, and you will need to spend off hours at the office or on
your computer at home. Your friends will chide you, you will
have to get your boyfriend/girlfriend to be supportive, and
you will need self-discipline. A social event will look much
more attractive than a stack of reading or a table of numbers
you need to decipher for an early-morning meeting. Until, that
is, it’s time for the meeting . . .
I advise my students to remember all this when they are out

there dating. Finding the right partner for the career and the
life you want is not going to be easy. If jealousy and conflict
over the issue of time is a problem now, it will surely multiply
in the future. If your significant other finds it difficult to give
50
you “space” or you have a problem giving your partner his or

her space, you will feel a frustration and perhaps resentment
that is sure to sabotage any chance at a successful future—
business or personal.
Like all things, work time vs. personal time must be negotiated
in a relationship. Sacrificing in order to achieve what you want
professionally is part of the game, but understand that the all-
consuming, damn-the-personal-life extreme is not a good thing
either. Workaholics pay a very stiff price to achieve, and they
are usually not very happy or healthy. It is entirely possible to
find balance: To have a meaningful personal life AND a career
that demands more than a 9-to-5 commitment. It just takes a
while to get there.
Family
A colleague I knew was on the fast track at a large and

nationally known public relations firm in Chicago. She was
performing well enough at work to get a promotion, but she
often fretted over nanny schedules and her own time
commitments. Commuting to work took time, and she thought
every day about the time she was spending away from
home. This young woman was valuable enough that the firm
looked the other way when she couldn’t always keep to an
8 a.m.–5 p.m. office schedule, but she still felt the pressure.
After her husband graduated with his master’s degree, they
made a decision that required a significant financial sacrifice:
she would work part time. They eventually moved to Korea so
he could accept a better job, and she eventually stopped
working professionally. When it counted, though, she made
concessions and worked on her balancing act.
It is no longer just women making these choices and sacrificing

their career for their family. I know a male history teacher at an
all-boys Catholic school who made the courageous decision to
51
leave his job and take on the role of full-time stay-at-home dad.
The goal was to allow time for his wife to complete her Ph.D.
and establish her career as a psychologist. He heard the chit
chat around town about his decision, but it didn’t matter. He
was comfortable with the decision and was prepared to accept
the consequences in order to raise his children.
I think this is the essence of what the feminist movement was

all about: choosing the life you want, instead of living the life
you know.
What am I saying?
You thought this book was about getting a head start on your
career, didn’t you? Well, it is. After you think about all these
questions I’ve raised, you just might find out that the life you
started out wanting will not be where you end up, because the
sacrifices won’t be worth it. Will it mean you are a loser? No.
Less than above-average? Not at all. It might just mean the
opposite: You might end up choosing a more-authentic way
that is right for you. Even so, the principles I am laying down
will remain the same.
52
Questions to Think About

What have you always dreamed of being or becoming?
Are you aware of what sacrifices might be needed, in order for you
to be successful?
In what kinds of ways will you have to sacrifice, if you are to

achieve success?
How much extra (time, travel, moving, reading, etc.) will it take to
get the career you want and then to do well at it?
Where will you find the extra time?
Can you be honest with important people in your life about what
this goal will take?
Will they support your efforts? (Who will? Who won’t?)
Is it important that they do so?
If they won’t support you, are you willing to move forward

anyway?
53
Chapter 6
Are you looking for

a career, or a job?
What is the difference between a career and a job? Most people

assume that a career is what the well-educated pursue, while
a “job” is a place to work where you have to punch a time
clock. A job that pays by the hour tends to call for less commit-
ment than the omnipotent career might, but like everything in
life, there are shades of gray.
Are careers for life?
Recent studies are showing some interesting trends about

career employment. Women, for example, are making signifi-
cant career changes in midlife. Many women appear to be
abandoning the profession they entered after college and
entering a new one that is more meaningful to them. Some
women are moving from small organizations to larger ones (or
the reverse), or leaving the business world for non-profit work.
Still others are starting their own businesses or taking high-
powered jobs in the corporate world. Studies also indicate that
many men are seeking work that is meaningful rather than
profitable. These are trends, and they are not necessarily
indicative of sweeping changes. However, you have no doubt
seen some of these changes play out in your own community.
55
Young people have so many more choices than their parents

had. You are much better equipped than their generation
was to enter the professional world, and you can be more
deliberative about the jobs you take on your path toward
professional success.
Internships
I believe very strongly in internships as a means of testing the

waters. In some fields, such as teaching, it is required. I think it
is a wonderful idea. Not only does it give you practical
experience, but it also provides a safe environment in which to
assess your own skills and sharpen them.
The most impressive students from my standpoint are the ones

who seek out and invent their own internships. One student
came to me with an idea to propose doing an internship at
a small retail store that she admired from a distance. This
student was already on the right track, but she wanted
my advice on how she might construct such a proposal. She
did all the work, and not only did she get the internship she
created for herself, but she got paid for it, too. These days,
being paid to intern (and learn) is a luxury, but it’s a good idea
to try to get something in addition to experience (classroom
credit, at the very least). Be the first to propose it if it is not
being done at your university.
But let’s assume you have already graduated and have not
been able to obtain a career-entry position in the field you
want. The concept is still the same: If you are interested in
investment banking, go get a regular job with a regular bank at
first. Ask people about their own experiences, and learn what
you can learn from others. Read some good books on how
investment banking works, and go apply for a part-time
internship at an investment-banking firm while you are
learning more about the industry. If there is no internship,
create one and propose it to the individual who will be making
56
Chapter 6: Are you looking for a career, or a job?
the decision. Don’t give up if you get turned down: Keep

trying, and edge closer and closer to the entry-level position
you want. You will eventually break through if you are willing
to persist and sacrifice. You may have to jump through extra
hoops and take on extra preparation, but if you really want to
be an investment banker, an opportunity will open up for you.
If you want to be a writer, understand right off the bat that it is
almost impossible to make a living at full-time writing. Take a
part-time or full-time position for your local newspaper, or
offer to write occasional pieces. Write as much as possible
and be open to growing and nurturing your work, no matter
how old you are. Take the most demanding courses that stretch
you, and try to sell your work along the way. If your skills
are strong, there are many other ways to get experience. Just
go for it.
Whatever the field, find a professor who is willing to help you
find an entry-level position. Get on the Internet and research
possibilities. If you put yourself out there with an internship or
a job that is somehow related to where you hope to be, you will
distinguish yourself from everyone else who is competing with
you. You will have the ever-elusive experience employers want
(most don’t care if your first job is paid or non-paid). Just get
out there and find something to do that is related to your long-
term goal. Start now.
Should you take any old job at first, in order to get to the career
you want? This tactic has long been debated, but it can work.
My advice is to wait it out and go for the entry-level career
spot, if for no other reason than the fact that you will not be
wasting time in a position that doesn’t help you attain your
long-term goal.
A plain old job (as opposed to an entry-level position in your
chosen field) might be necessary later on if you go through a
life change and can’t be totally focused on a career (when you
are in grad school, changing careers, raising a family, writing a
book, traveling the world, and so on), but you need to pick up
quick cash.
57
A plain old job might fit your lifestyle better than a career
position. If you need the money and can’t afford to wait, take
the job. Just proceed very carefully, and consider telling the
interviewer that you are interested in a career option. The
company might have a hire-from-within philosophy, so be
mindful of your goals. The right opportunity will come along;
make sure you ask the right questions and talk about your
goals with whomever is making the decision to hire. That way,
no one will be surprised when you leave for the better
opportunity. And no matter what job you take, be the best at it.
Make yourself indispensable! That will truly lead to good
things. (And no, you will not get stuck in that job, as long as
you prove you can think.)
With a career position, you will no doubt be expected to have

more education, expertise, and time. You will often have to
take work home, and you’ll be expected to think about your
work outside the regular working hours. A “job” won’t
demand all this from you, but that is no excuse to goof off or
take it less seriously. In fact, if you set up lazy habits in your
“job life,” you will probably feel the consequences in your
career life. Lazy is lazy.
Now, about the work ethic you’ve heard so much about. No

matter what you do from here on, people will expect you to
have honesty, integrity, and good work habits. You will be
expected to show up when you say you will. You will
be expected to take your role seriously and commit to the
duties and responsibilities you signed up for. If you are
working as a part-time babysitter, the parents of those children
expect you to live up to a code of conduct, even if it is just a
part-time job. If you are working a retail job while also working
your way through college, store managers will expect you to
show up on time and be properly dressed. Good habits are
good habits. You never know where they will take you! Maybe
you will impress someone at the “job” who can help with your
career. Maybe you will find a new passion that you never
58
Chapter 6: Are you looking for a career, or a job?
thought of at this “job.” Each work experience has value, so

take full advantage of what every paid or unpaid work experi-
ence has to offer. Ultimately, you get to decide the right fit for
you at any given time.
Sometimes a job will lead you to a career.
A young woman I know was originally headed for a teaching

career, but found her way to fashion when she took a retail job
to make money for college. I know another who wanted a
culinary career, but found out through an internship that what
she really loves is to write about food. Another young woman
worked as a part-time retail clerk and discovered her love of
accounting only after she had to take inventory. An open mind
can work wonders. What you think is just an ordinary job can
lead you to many places and opportunities.
If you have no idea what you want to become, a job is the

perfect place to get some practical experience and open your
mind to possibilities within a given field of work. There
are all kinds of jobs and career options within the retail
industry that are not so obvious to the casual observer, such as
merchandising, buying, and accounting. In the fashion
industry alone, you have designing, sewing, pattern making,
embroidering, floor design, textile work, industrial applica-
tions, real estate procurement, development, and so on.
My point is that if you do not know what you want to be, get
out there and try something different. Ask questions along the
way. Don’t just accept a job—make the job work for you. Let
it be more than just a place you go to put in your time. Learn
something in the process. Ask questions of those around you
(especially those who are respected in the field) who will be
good resources for advice, guidance, and perhaps a reference.
And don’t be the kind of employee who just takes up space.
59
Learn as much as you can by doing as much as you can; you

will be surprised at the dividends and amazed at the people
who will help you get to the next step or help you find your
way to the next opportunity.
Leaving a Career for a Job
Some people have to step away from the demands of a career

and go back to a job. I am reminded of friends and colleagues
who chose less-demanding job roles to help sick or dying
family members. Some made career changes in mid-life. A
woman I know in the marketing department at a museum
decided she wanted to change careers altogether and go to
nursing school. She took a less-demanding job at the museum
so she could devote her time to studying. She eventually
earned her nursing degree and made the change to a full-time
nursing career. Another friend who was a nurse gave up her
career temporarily so she could care for her dying mother. She
worked part time, and eventually went back to the more-
demanding role she had before her mother became ill. Another
colleague, a creative director, took up freelance writing when
she had young children so she could work from home. She kept
her hand in the industry, and when her children were older she
resumed her career. When her children were in middle school,
she left again and took freelance assignments so she could be at
home in the afternoon.
In every situation, there will be sacrifices and consequences,

not all of which are ideal or comfortable. The loss of income
is usually a serious consideration, but it is rarely the only
consideration. Things like quality of life, personal contentment,
and self-fulfillment are very strong values, and are frequently
the most-powerful factors in the decision.
60
Chapter 7
Make a Plan
“I don’t know what I want to do.”

Without question, this is the most frequent fear I hear from
young people these days. These words are code to me for “I am
scared and a little terrified, and I need your help.” I can relate
to this at a most primitive level. Let me tell you why.
When I was a senior at Florida State University, I rarely slept a

full night. Most nights, I roamed the halls of my sorority house,
feeling incredibly alone and afraid. I was excited for what my
life might mean in the long run, and I felt like I could make
something of myself. But what? I had no idea whatsoever, and
this terrified me.
How could I not know where I wanted to go? After all, I was a
senior in college, about to achieve one of my earliest dreams: a
college degree in criminology that I paid for myself. Had my
luck run out? After all, it had been so much fun up until now. I
worked almost full-time while taking a full load of classes, and
had to struggle.
I seemed pretty capable, having the obligatory list of “good

things I have accomplished” and a few accolades. I chose
the right group of people to hang around with: smart women
61
in that same sorority house who were unintentionally guiding

me the way a parent might. I was without those resources, so I
listened to these women. We were the same age, but they were
far wiser in ways that I was only scratching the surface of. Their
support, advice, values, and reasoning skills seemed to wrap
me up in a safe and warm place, where I was able to make a
decision that would eventually lead to one of the best lessons I
ever learned:
Go in the general direction of your dreams and what

you are naturally good at doing. It will all work out.
Finding a Direction
Let me relate how one young student found his direction. Like
me, this young man had no parental support, no funds, and
lots of debt. He had an even bigger problem, though: a girl-
friend who wanted him to stay in the area after graduation,
even though the job prospects here were not in his favor.
He and I talked through his dilemma several nights after class.

He came to understand that he had a choice to make, and that
either way he chose, he was setting the course for his career
(and by natural extension, his life). Neither choice was what we
might call right or wrong, but whichever decision he made
would set a general course for at least his next few years.
His relationship with his girlfriend was troubled and had been
rocky since its inception, but he was afraid of not having
anyone else to turn to for help as he approached graduation,
and she was there. In his mind, it looked a little like Well, at least
I have her, and she is better than no one. He felt very alone at this
important juncture of life, and he got comfort from the
familiarity of the relationship, if not from the relationship itself.
62
Chapter 7: Make a Plan
This young man’s professional goal was also complex. He

loved music and had invested many years learning it,
performing it, and applying business and marketing skills to it,
but things had taken a dramatic turn: The other band members
wanted to go their own way. Now, what? He had always
assumed that music was his future. This student demonstrated
significant ability in one of my classes, and his advertising
copywriting work was better than good enough to get the
attention of ad agencies. And if he went that route, he could
stay local and keep the girlfriend happy, too. But what about
him? He had to choose, and he did: to pursue his music career,
no matter what.
Change Happens
When you are working out your plan, you must accept the
reality that things will change along the way. Your attitude
about change will determine the final outcome.
A few years ago, I remember hearing about a study that took a

close look at people who had lived to be at least 100 years old.
The study explored some of the factors that may have
contributed to the participants’ longevity. Genetics plays a role,
but the researchers also found that one of the defining factors
for quality of life in this particular group of octogenarians was
being able to cope with change. This group of very-senior
citizens discovered somewhere along the way how to handle
things that go wrong, and how to navigate their way back
when they go off course.
If there is anything I hope you remember from this book, it is

exactly what that study said to me: Change is inevitable. Some
changes will take you to new and better places, but change
can also force you into dark and unknown territories. You
cannot prevent it; this is what living is all about. We all
experience change; some people’s lives are full of what seems
63
to be catastrophic change, while other people live lives that

seem charmed (from a distance). Most of us, however, live lives
of steady but small changes. You get this class when you
planned on getting that class. This professor enlightens you,
but the other one deflates you. Your buddies don’t laugh at
your golf swing anymore. These are seemingly small things,
but it matters how you manage them.
What do you do when something good happens? Can you

enjoy it, laugh about it, and soak it in? Or do you even notice?
If you don’t already know how to recognize and accept the

good changes, start now. For example, feel good for even a few
seconds about reading this book. It will help you learn! Accept
the fact that you are choosing to acquire knowledge, and accept
a little advice rather than doing something else. In some ways,
you are ahead of the game already. Let’s face it: You could be
doing lots of other things right now, but you have chosen to
spend some time with me! In exchange, I am going to try and
help you figure out a way to take charge of your life by sharing
some of my real-life experiences.
Letting go is not easy at your age or stage, but it won’t be any

easier in the future when you figure out that you made the
wrong decision way back when, especially when you
eventually realize all the things driving your decisions that ran
counter to your dreams. And make no mistake—your dreams
matter to me. Higher education is about lots of things, but a
good deal of it lies in discovering who you are and what your
adult life will come to mean. I hope for each one of you that you
realize and fulfill something you have longed for, dreamed
of, or been too afraid to admit you were curious about. I hope
you will grow in a new and exciting direction. But you will
have to choose and accept any changes to your plan, or even
your non-plan.
64
Begin at the Beginning
Start by doing some thinking and honest self-assessment. To

live the life you wish to live, you must give a lot of thought
to how you can make it happen. And this will take time.
Begin with the tough questions. Yes, you have to dream. Yes,
you have to try new things. And yes, you have to master skills
and learn things that you are not interested in or not very good
at. But the most important part comes in the assessment of your
skills and your ability to learn and achieve your goals.
A Case Study
Joanna, a student at a school for the performing arts,
thought she might like to pursue a career in voice. Her
parents decided that it might be a good fit for her, so they
hired a voice coach who not only taught Joanna how to sing
better, but also taught her about the habits of great singers,
the strengths and weaknesses of different voice styles, ways
to save her voice for the long term, and which music would
be a good match for her. Joanna also became more
confident, because she was learning how to train her voice.
She made the most of every part of the experience, never
missed practices, and did her training exercises as directed.
Joanna decided to try out for a Broadway-inspired national

summer program that required an audition. If she made it,
she knew she’d have to give up a chunk of her summer
for seminars and classes taught by professional actors and
singers. She was both excited and afraid of what she was up
against, but she completed all the paperwork herself.
She wrote the essays and asked teachers and others for
letters of recommendation. And she made sure to meet all
the deadlines.
(continued)
65
A Case Study (concluded)
The day Joanna received a letter of acceptance for the

program was a real turning point, because she was able to
see for the first time what can happen when you lay out a
plan of action for something that seems daunting at the
outset. She chopped up the bigger goal into smaller pieces
and parts, and dealt with them one step at a time. The plan
worked. The next one would not be nearly as scary.
Update: Joanna’s experience proved to be very valuable in a

number of ways. She was in the microcosm of the live-
theater world, but somewhere in the course of the program,
she realized that she didn’t feel the same desire to work in
front of an audience as the rest of the students in the
program. She started to second-guess her talents, and began
to feel out of place. She gave it her all and enjoyed being part
of the final performance, but she came to learn that this was
not what she wanted to do with her life.
Sometimes we learn more when things don’t go as planned

than when they do. Either way, we plan our next steps from the
early ones. It all adds up in the end, if you pay attention.
66
What’s Your Plan?

Here are some questions you must ask yourself right now about
the rest of your life:
• Look at your work history or internship history, or your
summertime activities. Do you see a trend or a common
theme? If so, what is it?
• If you don’t see a theme, what skill sets have you acquired that
might be helpful to your future, in general?
• Is there anything that resonates with you—an area that you’d
like to pursue further?
• Who can you call for advice?
• What opportunities exist for someone with a work history like
yours (so far)?
• If you don’t see an obvious path, ask yourself this:
What opportunities exist because of the skills you
have acquired?
Follow These Steps

1. Make the plan now to go to the next level.
2. Ask for help, advice, and recommendations.
3. Do all the reading and research you can.
4. Create a proposal, if there is no program already available.
5. Pick up the phone and make it happen!
Or do you need to start from scratch?
67
Chapter 8
Groom Yourself Inside and Out
Far too many people your age don’t give any thought to how
they are presenting themselves to the world. Until “the world”
is able to see your work ethic, your skills, and your attitude,
people will make judgments about what they see on the
outside. You want that entry-level position so you can prove
yourself, don’t you? I am not suggesting a total makeover to fit
some kind of “formula,” but there are a few things that you and
your friends should pay attention to.
First and foremost, starting a new life usually means a step

toward maturity and personal growth. You must take stock of
how you present who you are and how prepared you are for
whatever you are facing. It is a lot more than the way you look
on the outside. We’ll talk about some of the things you must
work on in this chapter if you want a career.
And I am not suggesting that you should not be true to your

very valuable self. What I am saying is that you should step it
up in terms of how you present yourself and how prepared
you are on the inside.
Don’t just think of grooming as combing your hair—there

is much more to it than that. It’s very hard to overcome our
first impression of another person, so make yours count. Don’t
lose those very valuable seconds. Try to dig yourself out of the
69
hole you dug for yourself because your nose ring caught
the attention of a potential employer before your impressive
résumé did. You’ll learn fast enough.
The subject of grooming is something my students have long

challenged me on, but I stand by my experience in the real
world. The best-dressed authentic “you” is the way to go.
That means, in my opinion, dressing more conservatively.
Leave your extreme personal style at the door, because like it or
not, it will be a strike against you right off the bat.
I can remember far too many occasions when applicants (and

they are often young women) would come in for an interview
and try to impress me with their fashion sense. Those days, it
was often their big and colorful handbags, complete with large
and noisy charms or chains, that they would plop down
on the interviewer’s desk. Purses do NOT belong on desks!
Little do these young women know that this swift and
probably automatic display often eliminates them from serious
consideration.
I am honest with these students, and I let them know that

certain ways of presenting themselves will send a very loud
message to an interviewer: They are really looking for a career
in fashion, not public relations. Please do not misunderstand
me—there is room for fashion in the public relations business,
but it must be done in good taste.
So what is good taste? And where can you get it? This might
sound harsh, but if you do not come by “good taste” naturally,
admit this to yourself and get the help you need. It can be
bought!
Here’s what I’m saying. When I have a young person who sets
off my radar in this department, I direct her or him to certain
stores where they can get immediate help. I have yet to see
an Ann Taylor suit that was not appropriate and classically
fashionable for young women, and the same is true of Brooks
70
Chapter 8: Groom Yourself Inside and Out
Brothers for young men. Dressing professionally is not brain

surgery. And by the way, copying mannequins is absolutely
fine. So is being honest with a salesperson who has been
trained to fit you and gently play up or down your physical
attributes.
A professional wardrobe
doesn’t have to cost a fortune.
Let me share age-old wisdom that someone shared with me a

few decades ago.
Think of your clothing purchases as an investment in your

career, because that’s just what it is. Get the help you need to
choose a few selections that can be mixed and matched easily
or accessorized in order to “stretch” your wardrobe and
provide a fresh look every day. You’ll feel good. After all, no
one wants to wear the same thing all the time. Small changes in
accessories and shirts, blouses, ties, or tops in general can make
that closet seem much larger than it really is. You’ll have extra
pep in your step, too.
A professional wardrobe can boost your confidence and

eliminate one of the concerns that worry young people. No one
wants to look inappropriate or out of sync in the style depart-
ment, and many young people worry about this unnecessarily.
Help is out there, and it is usually free. Pay attention to
advertisements, store displays, and people you admire, and
shop wisely. (Note: This is one of those times where it might
make sense for you to charge your purchases if you don’t have
the cash on hand.)
Please do not tell me that what you wear doesn’t matter—it

does. It matters to you, and it matters to those with whom you
are interacting. The way in which you present yourself is
sending all kinds of messages, like it or not, even if you are not
aware of them.
71
If you don’t care much about clothing or fashion or style, I

suggest you pay attention to it anyway, because in most
business situations, you are an extension of your role and
position and organization. Your appearance will be noted. That
is simply reality.
There is no need to completely change the way you dress,

however. Becoming an adult means sometimes leaving the
world of jeans and skimpy tops behind and accepting with
grace the steps toward maturity—that’s all. Subtle changes that
can make a big difference include your becoming familiar with
ironing or dry cleaning, doing more-frequent washing or
gentle drying of your “investments,” focusing on what matches
or doesn’t, and closely inspecting how your clothing fits.
Cleavage and Tight Pants
Certain things are best left at home or for your off-work hours
(if, that is, you want to make something serious of your life).
Business professionals are usually appalled when a young

woman comes in for a hiring interview showing cleavage. I
don’t care if you think we are prudes—if you are not applying
for a job at Hooters, cleavage is NOT appropriate! If you expect
to be taken seriously, you must think about the way you look.
Showing cleavage will not reflect positively on you—trust me.
The same goes for see-through blouses, tops, sweaters, and t-

shirts, and even the popular lingerie look. The same for
skintight skirts or pants, or skintight anything. If you have a
nice shape, it will still be seen in well-fitted clothes. Your
contributions are more important to the job than your
physique—remember that.
72
Your Essence
Taking care of your physical self shows that you value the
essence of who you are. Employers pick up on this pretty
quickly. I can remember my grandmother always noticing
people’s hands. I hear other adults talk about noticing a
person’s eyes (the “window to the soul”). A weathered face is
an expression of a life well lived or poorly lived. I didn’t
pay much attention to these things back in the day, but I am
now old enough to know better: there is a lot of truth in
these teachings.
One of the most positive consequences of caring about who

you are and what you project is that you have better personal
relationships. When you live well and take care of yourself,
there is less common stress (arguing over food, drinking,
staying out late, and destructive conversation). You will attract
other people who live similarly, and your significant personal
and family relationships will strengthen. Feeling better and
healthier affects every other aspect of your life.
Body Piercing and Tattoos
Tattoos and body piercing are more common now, and

for many young people, they are just a normal rite of passage.
If you want to be taken seriously in the professional
world, however, be cautious. Facial piercing bothers corporate
leaders who are in a position to determine or affect your future,
career-wise.
In fact, nose rings, tongue rings, pierced lips and eyebrows,

and even most nose piercings are distractions in the business
world. They force people to make assumptions about your
character and your competence. Mind you, I have done plenty
of reading on the subject, and I realize that the adornment of
73
our physical selves has gone on since the beginning of time,

but there is a huge difference between earrings on the ears
and my seeing your belly button ring with all its dangling
dazzle in a job interview. And tribal tattoos? Well, they make
my mind wonder what “tribe” this person is from. Cover up
your tattoos.
Over time, your personal style can be unveiled if it is appro-

priate, but I still think even in these more-casual times there
are limits. You do not want to be the subject of watercooler
conversation on this topic or passed up for a promotion, do
you? Nose rings and tattoos might be cool to your peers, but it
sends a totally different message to corporate leaders and
managers who have some control over your future.
The Obvious Stuff
Clothes and body piercing are not all I am talking about.

Grooming also includes boring, almost monotonous personal
care. The good news is that taking care of these things is not
expensive. In fact, it is usually FREE!
The Obvious Stuff

1. Wash your face and get the sleep out of your eyes.
2. Make sure your hair is clean. Tie it back if you have to.
3 Comb or brush your hair.
4. Keep your hands washed.
5 Clean your fingernails and make sure they are not hid-
ing dirt or oil from car repair, hiking, and so on.
6. Keep your nails at a reasonable length. Long or distract-
ing nails might express who you really are, but they will
attract unwanted attention and take away from your
other, more-important contributions to the workplace.
(And no fancy nail tips.)
74
The Touchy Stuff
Accept this next bit of advice in the spirit in which it is given.
Take care of your physical self. This means your diet, sleep,
and drinking or “partying” habits. I have seen way too many
college kids ignore this advice and pay for it afterwards in all
the familiar places, physical and mental: low test scores,
tardiness, lethargy, eye fatigue, the inability to focus in class,
and so on. And these are just a few examples.
Yes, people do notice these things. You might think you are
indestructible, but you are sadly mistaken. You have limits and
boundaries; realize and respect them. I have had girls come to
me in tears over their weight to the point that they are unable
to complete assignments. Guys confide that they fear that their
physical appearance will cost them a job opportunity. Saggy
eyes; unkempt appearance from too much eating or drinking;
lack of sleep; and ignoring your body and its signals will cost
you dearly, but not just in terms of a job. These things can also
keep you from creating a fulfilling personal life.
If you are stressed out or suffering from any of these things, I

am cautioning you to take a hard look at your life. Ask yourself
if this hardship is yet another invitation for you to take a closer
look at the decisions you are making about your future. Do you
need more stress? Or are you ready to do some self-inspection
and accept the invitation to improve yourself?
The good news? All these shortcomings are within your power
to change. It will require some discipline, and maybe you
will have to break old habits. It might mean learning new
information and making better choices, but it will be worth
it for what you gain: more self-confidence; closer attention
to your academic work; and stronger, healthier personal
relationships. You will find yourself with more energy and
an ability to focus. You will feel a sense of accomplishment,
75
power, and satisfaction, because your body and your health

are not compromised due to poor nutrition, sleep deprivation,
over-consumption of alcohol, or drugs. (And I cannot even
begin to discuss the repercussions many young people suffer
because of choices and decisions made under the influence of a
controlled substance.) If you’re stressed or feeling the effects of
any of these things I am cautioning you about, ask yourself
this: Do you really need more stress? You’re carrying enough
burdens already, aren’t you?
This book is aimed primarily at young adults, and I realize that

some readers might be a little dismissive of what I’m advising.
Remember: I am not your mother, grandmother, or aunt. I am
a professional who has been around the world of business for
a very long time. My sole concern is helping you find your
place in the world.
Just think about what I am saying. Ask yourself if any of these

lifestyle choices are having any negative effect on any aspect of
your life or a friend’s life. And please do not tell yourself that
you will change when you get settled in your new apartment
or after you land your job or when you complete graduate
school. These things need your immediate attention and
concern if they are out of whack. You cannot put them off,
because your very future is at stake.
You are setting habits every single day,

and the bad ones are very, very difficult to break.
You must pay attention to them now. If you see that you are
establishing what might be considered poor habits, stop
immediately and start developing strategies that will turn your
behavior around.
There is plenty more to say about this subject, but I have

probably sucked enough energy from you already, so let me
quickly add these other grooming tips for you to consider.
76
More “Grooming” Tips

1. Your résumé is an extension of grooming and preparedness,
so make sure interviewers will have nothing but good
impressions.
2. Good grooming means showing up on time, properly
dressed.
3. Brush up on adult conversational skills, so you will
be able to converse with the interviewer on a variety of topics,
including your job readiness. Also, be sure you research the
company itself (not just the job and how much it will pay).
4. Take a look at yourself from the inside out.
— Do you look the part?
— Are you prepared to be the part?
— Do you have enough information to be where
you are?
— Can you ask good questions?
— Have you checked out the company’s Web site?
— Are you a good fit for this role? Or are you practicing for
experience purposes?
— Are there things you need to do to be better prepared?
— Are you willing to accept whatever challenges this situa-
tion offers?
5. Be gracious. Don’t forget to properly thank people who have
helped you. Yes, that is a part of grooming! Thank-you notes
will take you farther than you think, and writing them is an
excellent habit to establish, if you haven’t already done so.
Good grooming means being prepared to go the whole nine

yards after what you want.
77
Grooming Checklist
Do you need a new wardrobe? _____ yes _____ no
How can you get one without breaking the bank? (Idea: Ask for
clothing gift certificates for graduation!) List three possibilities.
1.
2.
3.
Do you know where to go for the “right” clothes?

____ yes ____ no Where? ______________________
If your work wardrobe is not in good enough shape, who can

you go to for help? ______________________
Is your résumé complete, up-to-date, and professional-looking?

____ yes ____ no
What does it need? ______________________
Who can give you the best suggestions to improve it?

______________________
Take stock of your physical self. How good an impression do

you make from 1 to 10 (high)? _______
Do you look alert, strong, capable, and eager to take on

responsibility? ____ yes ____ no
(continued)
78
Grooming Checklist (concluded)
What three things can you do to contribute to your physical

well-being?
1.
2.
3.
Do you need help to do so? ____ yes ____ no

List the people who can help you make a good impression and
give you advice.
•
What are your strengths and weaknesses where grooming is

concerned?
Strengths: ___________________________________________
_____________________________________________________
Weaknesses: _________________________________________
_____________________________________________________
What things do you need to change in order to strengthen your

weaknesses? _________________________________________
_____________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________
Ask a trusted older person to give you feedback and sugges-

tions on these things.
79
Chapter 9
Technology Common Sense
Technology is a tool, not a lifestyle. The most obvious differ-

ence between your generation and mine is the vast array of
new technology available and your generation’s ability to use it
to advantage. This knowledge or lack of knowledge often
divides us. Since this book is meant to essentially mentor you,
I remind you that your first job will probably be working with
and for people who are your parents’ age. At the risk of
sounding old, I urge you to be cautious about when and where
you use technology, no matter how cool you think it is. (I know
it is cool and very hard to resist.)
Faster Doesn’t Necessarily Mean Better
Just because you can send an e-mail or text message while you
are in a meeting doesn’t mean you should. If you are multi-
tasking, you are missing essential information as well as the
nuances of communication that other people are picking up on
in the seconds and minutes you are taking to look down to type
or read. It is obvious to others that you are disengaged. More
importantly, you are showing a lack of respect for leaders and
others who expect you to do more than just show up with a
gadget-du-jour.
81
Young professionals are not alone in their lack of common

sense when it comes to the use of technology. I recently sat in a
meeting where a senior vice president tapped away at her
Blackberry, causing everyone to lose concentration. It cheated
us all out of valuable time, because colleagues had to catch her
up when she could not answer a direct question because she
was not listening. She lost respect from her peers and
colleagues—a serious consequence that builds over time,
because people will be looking for more examples. Very few
people are so important that messages can’t wait an hour or so.
Technology causes a kind of human disassociation. No

matter how much technology we have, the ability to work
collaboratively will always be a part of successful business
and life. It’s a career breaker for anyone who doesn’t make it a
priority.
But what would we do without e-mail?
I shudder to think of what we’d do without e-mail, but I see

significant problems with it, and I’ll bet you have, too. Like the
time one of my students circulated an e-mail with a link to a
Web site that aided and abetted cheating. One of the students
had some kind of Internet problem, so the e-mail was printed
out and brought to class to share with another student. It sure
took all the guesswork out of wondering who was involved in
the cheating—all the “To” names were listed right there, as
well as who it was from. The consequences were F’s for all, not
to mention the lack of trust it created.
E-mail and text messaging, like many innovative technologies,

can’t be underestimated. They have become such casual tools
that they now have their own language, similar to shorthand.
Unfortunately, too many young people are using the informal
language in everyday situations instead of the professional
standard. Every time I get an e-mail from a student who uses
82
Chapter 9: Technology Common Sense
text-messaging shorthand, I wonder if they know how to write.

Any substitute code for authentic and serious communication
just doesn’t work in the real world. Smiley faces are never okay
in business correspondence, either; the person receiving the
message is likely to send a different message: “C U L8R.”
Okay, so why a chapter on this? It’s old news now.
Technology is commonplace, but we are still working out how

and when it should be used. Consistently I encounter a student
who thinks it is okay to text-message or talk on the cell phone
in class. Some surf the Internet when we are in a lab learning
how to write commanding lead paragraphs! The phone was
quite an invention in its time, but at work it is supposed to be
used to conduct business—not used to solve personal problems
or gossip. The Internet is the same: It is meant to help you carry
out your professional duties. Web surfing and personal
e-mailing at work are such common practices that a virtual
cottage industry has been established to help employers block
Web access during work hours or on company equipment.
Let me be clear about what is wrong: Cell phones, e-mail, and
texting mean interruptions, intrusiveness, rudeness, overheard
conversations, pervasive chatter, and the potential for an
alarming lack of privacy. When you are working, you must
save your personal business for later. A meeting, a cubicle, or a
corporate lobby is not the time or the place.
One of my shining stars had an unusual aversion to the
telephone. We had to make using it at work an ongoing goal.
Even by her one-year employee review, using the telephone
effectively was still a problem. If it had not been for her serious
desire to conquer it, she would not have a career in public
relations. E-mail and texting are not appropriate substitutes for
picking up the phone and engaging in dialogue, and no
amount of technology will ever replace the need for human
connection.
83
Professionals are constantly assessing whether or not the con-

venience of technology is worth the cost. I have heard shocking
things coming from the mouths of people in airports and
lobbies that would surely have wide-reaching consequences
if bosses or colleagues found out what they were saying on
their cell phones. Big deals going down or falling apart. Trade
secrets. Sales commissions being negotiated (and sounding a
lot like fraud). Names thrown about with little concern for who
might be listening. Personal problems being aired. Accusations
hurled, with names attached. Political strategies discussed
within earshot of who-knows-who.
Technology gives us instant access to news, but it is often more

like speculation. Between the rolling text and triple-screen
effects and pop-up ads and ways to win fast cash, who can pay
attention?
In the public relations field, technology has become a force of

good and evil. Poor or improper recording on video or a cell
phone can still become instant news and instant money. There
are few standards for this kind of reporting, and we are still
learning about how to deal with the ethics of such things.
Companies are going to need policies and standards to manage
this proliferation as technology evolves.
Nothing points out a need for standards better than the videos
of celebrities in minute detail. They blur our notion of “news”
and expose truly sad lives for all the world to see. Has
technology driven us to such extremes? Or are we using this
new technology in ways that are destructive? Hmmm. This is
still being debated, of course.
84
So what do we do about it?
Remember where you want to go in life, and don’t assume that

no one cares about this stuff. Ask yourself if it is necessary to
accept or make calls during meetings where others need and
expect your undivided attention. What is your company policy
regarding online shopping or gambling, or visits to adult Web
sites at work? Ask yourself if you are using technology to build
your future, or your social life.
A young business colleague was always walking into planning

meetings with his Bluetooth earpiece already in his ear. A
senior architect working with the group eventually asked
the young man to remove it because the thing hanging off his
ear was rattling the more-senior staff. Was he expecting a call?
What if it came during a time when the group needed his
focused attention? Why was he wearing it in meetings that
were designed to shut out the world so the team could get
a grip on the project at hand? There were senior people in
the room who had years of experience, expertise, status, and
respect far more valuable than his youthful, less-significant
contributions. In the end, his behavior made him look
immature, over-zealous, and almost silly. I am pretty sure his
hope was quite the opposite, but it backfired: The young man
was practically ostracized in his company. It was a shame, too,
because he was a bright young man. Many in the group simply
did not take him seriously.
People who are more-senior than you can and will control your
destiny. And they are observing you, whether you realize it or
not. Watching for blooming talent is an ongoing process in
every profession I know of. We are always planting seeds for
the future—business depends on it! You won’t get points
for accessing technology at inappropriate times, no matter
how cutting-edge or common the technology. In fact, you will
probably be penalized in some way, without even realizing it.
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When there are no rules, use common sense.
The rules of basic manners and courtesy will always apply.

If your conversation can be heard by others, it is your respon-
sibility to take it out of earshot to where you have privacy. If
that is impossible, you must explain the situation to the
individual on the other end, and hang up. If the phone or text
message or e-mail comes via PDA and is intrusive on your
attention to a LIVE matter, you must ignore it with very rare
exception. Remember your priorities. Do you want that career?
Text Messaging
I caught one of my students text messaging, and asked her to

stop. She openly and publicly tried to challenge me, saying that
she was getting her homework assignment from another class.
This young woman was rude and disrespectful, and I had
to restrain myself from telling her exactly what I was thinking.
No one in class or in a business meeting is entitled to use tech-
nology unless it is acceptable to the facilitator, the instructor, or
the team. It is the equivalent of a professor making a cell phone
call or stopping a lesson to e-mail or text a personal message
during class. Wouldn’t that be rude to you? And inappro-
priate? Leaders who use such technology are still figuring out
how to make the best use of it, but when it is intrusive or
disrespectful to others, put it away. Most things can wait. They
just can.
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How Is Your Technology Common Sense?

So, how is your technology common sense? Try to be as honest
with yourself as you can.
Do you ever use communication devices at inappropriate times
or places?
List the ways (be honest, now!), and decide whether or not it
might be hurting you at work.
1.
2.
3.
Why do you think it might be hurting you? (Write down your
reasons.)
Is it justified? When should you exercise better judgment?
If you feel that you must continue to use the devices at

inappropriate times, list the reasons why.
1.
2.
3.
How do you feel when others do the same thing (when
someone else is, say, trying to study, explain a proposal,
interview for a job, or enjoy a movie)?
List ways you can improve in this area.

•
•
•
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Chapter 10
Good Manners Never Go Out of Style
Advances in technology force us to keep up, but there are

some things that remain constant. Manners, for example.
Good manners can diffuse almost any kind of sticky situation,
but they can also help differentiate you from other people,
including your competition.
In a nutshell, “manners” is the word we use to refer to courtesy,

respect, and polite behavior (not terribly far removed from
ethics on my own Richter scale of life). I was never taught
formal manners as a child, but I had a great-aunt who modeled
them for me on a daily basis. Aunt Louise was a polite and very
intent listener. Even when she knew that the truth was not
what she was hearing, she listened as though she was hanging
on every word I said. She was teaching me courtesy and
common respect by showing me how it was done.
Let’s look at several important areas you need to start thinking

about: courtesy, discretion, respect, and appreciation.
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Courtesy.
Competence is not the only thing you need to succeed in

your chosen career. You must practice common courtesy
consistently. There are unlimited opportunities to show com-
mon courtesy in the professional world, no matter which field
you hope to work in and it can only help you in your career.
Here are five of the most important rules:
Practice common courtesy. It starts at the beginning of the day.

When you arrive at the workplace at the same time as a
colleague (or even a stranger, for that matter), hold the door
open for them, man or woman. If you go in and out of a door
at any time of the day, always hold the door open for the next
person, even if the other person is empty-handed or it’s an
elevator door. If it’s raining and you have an umbrella, hold
it over a fellow walker. If someone near you has dropped
something, pick it up for them. Smile and acknowledge some-
one walking your way.
Be considerate of others. When you have to make or take a cell

phone call, go somewhere private, where no one will be forced
to listen. Work-related calls often require a level of discretion
anyway, and one never knows who might be around. When it
comes to personal conversations, keep in mind that most
people don’t want to know someone else’s private business,
whether it is the grocery list or your sex life. Show your respect
for other people, and be courteous in public arenas—always
move to a private place to talk. If nothing else, keep in mind the
real possibility that what you’re saying will be overheard or
transmitted, and take on a life of its own.
Clean up your mess. Adults do not expect to have to pick up

after someone else at work, so clean up your mess. Good
manners means leaving a place cleaner than you found it: the
office, the public rest room, the break room, a restaurant, or the
park. It takes just seconds of your time, and it makes the world
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Chapter 10: Good Manners Never Go Out of Style
a better place. After all, who do you think you are, expecting
others to pick up after you? There is an implied arrogance to it.
If you want the respect of others in the professional world and
want to be treated like an adult, you must take care of your
own messes, literally and figuratively.
Apologize. There is no harm in saying “I’m sorry.” It shows a

certain humility and honesty that is hard to ignore.
Observe the pecking order. If you are a relatively new

employee or member of a team, show respect for those who
came before you, and try to earn your way. You will be far
more respected and appreciated if you do not act like you want
to take over. Disruption and grandstanding will not take you
anywhere! We all start out the same way, and while youthful
enthusiasm is welcome and enjoyable, braggadocio and
arrogance are not. Learn the difference, and then apply what
you’ve learned.
Now, let’s talk about discretion.
Discretion is the true sign of power. It literally means having

the power or right to decide or act according to one’s own
judgment. Should you, or shouldn’t you?
I recently went to MySpace to get more information about a

college student I was interviewing who gave every appearance
of having the essential tools my company needs for public
relations work: decent grades, strong-enough writing skills,
the proper demeanor, and a willingness to learn and work
hard. I fully expected to see some examples of college-level
communication on her MySpace site, since it is a public
space and an obvious place to go to do a sort of modern-day
background check.
91
What I saw and read on her MySpace page site so surprised me

that I sat there for over an hour and a half, absolutely
mesmerized. If ever there could be an opposite in terms of the
way this young woman presented herself in the interview and
the way she presented herself on this Web site, this was surely
the top vote-getter. This young woman seemed to have shed all
her inhibitions and sense of even casual decorum. Her photos
depicted her in various stages of public display that made me
feel as though I was peeping into her bedroom, albeit as an
“invited” guest. I was so shocked and disappointed. The young
marketing major who seemed so full of promise and potential
apparently thought the distasteful “sharing” on her site was
acceptable. Could she possibly be unaware that she was selling
herself this way?
I decided not to make a hiring decision until I could mull

things over. I took three days, and tried to explain to my staff
that since MySpace was such a new phenomenon, I was not
ready to throw out all this information. My team was
absolutely clear that they did not believe this candidate had
what it took to be a part of our office in any way. While they too
are young (21–29 years), they told me that this young woman
crossed the line, and should be rejected.
I invited the candidate back to give her an opportunity to

explain herself. I truly hoped for some kind of logical
rationale—she seemed so sharp. A senior preparing for
her graduation, this young woman had been impressive
enough to get through our first round of interviews. When
a staff member first brought her to my office for a quick
introduction (a protocol step, and a stamp of approval
that candidates are unaware of), we all agreed that she seemed
right for the paid internship position. We sent her off to gather
some more samples of her work, and continued looking at
other candidates. We were confident that if all the others were
not as strong as she was, we had at least one very viable option.
92
This time, she was just as pulled together as she was the first
time. She sat down with her samples, eager to show off what
she thought was some impressive work. After some discussion,
I explained that I had come across something about her that I
needed to discuss.
In retrospect, I think she knew exactly where I was headed. She

almost cut me off, asking if I was referring to her MySpace
page. Yes, I replied. She told me that many of her friends
warned her that the Web material might be brought up, but
she said she didn’t care because the page depicted her private
life, and in no way could I discriminate over it. She declared
that it was none of my business anyway. I sat back and tried to
let her have her time and space. She spoke almost to the point
of being exhausted, and I could tell that she was visibly upset.
There was no sense of Oops! or “I’m sorry” or “I can see
how this might not cast me in the best light,” or anything of the
sort. She was very decisively defensive, and showed zero
understanding of how her choice of information shared on
MySpace might cause us to think twice about hiring her.
Her reaction was extreme and unregretful, and I did not see the
qualities I was looking for in an employee, so I decided not to
add her to our team. I thought she would be disruptive to our
culture of cooperation and collaboration. She clearly felt we
had violated her zone of privacy. I do not understand how, but
that is another chapter in a book I don’t plan to write.
Is discretion a part of manners? Yes. If you do not really care

for a particular food, person, or a part of the world, you don’t
have to voice your opinion to the universe, particularly if you
have limited vision, experience, or information. You can say
something like, “I traveled there, and while I did not have a
great experience, I have heard other people say it was an
interesting/colorful/worthy trip for them.” That is a great way
to use good manners and discretion. If you think it is less than
honest, say something like, “I didn’t enjoy it at all, but at least
I can say I have been there!” I consider that infinitely better
than something to the effect of “That place sucks!”
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Respect and Appreciation
My aunt assumed legal custody of my two sisters and me when

I was about five years old. The burdens were significant, I am
sure. She went from a quiet life with my uncle to a busy and
bustling world with three young children, and she quickly set
about teaching us how she expected us to behave.
She informed us that teeth brushing would come before all

other activities: First thing in the morning, after lunch, and then
again after dinner. She took a keen interest in our dental habits,
but kids being kids, we weren’t always as diligent as she would
have liked.
I was happily playing outside one day when Aunt Louise

called me into the house. “Did you brush your teeth after
lunch?” she asked me. Right then and there, I should have
fessed up, but I had been in and out of foster care and was more
than a little afraid of adults and the consequences of being bad.
My big goal was not to disappoint Aunt Louise, so I lied and
told her that I had indeed brushed my teeth. She didn’t miss a
beat, and pulled me swiftly into the bathroom to look at my
very dry toothbrush.
I was ashamed and afraid. Aunt Louise explained that what I

did was called “lying,” and that there would be serious
consequences if I continued to lie to her, because she needed to
trust me. For the first time in my life, I began to understand the
complex nature of relationships and how best to navigate the
ones that mean something. Then Aunt Louise paddled me with
a switch from a tree I picked out myself. She taught me to face
the music, because disappointing her would be worse than any
spanking I could ever imagine.
That night she had me do some drawing, and I made a kind of

“I’m sorry” note. She read it and gleamed as she thanked me
for taking my free time to think of her in such a way.
94
In that short instance, I learned the power of the written word

and the meaning of penitence, and found a gracious way of
handling uncomfortable situations.
What is the point of this story? Simple. Many human and

unintentional mistakes can be righted with something as
simple as a note. Good manners have less to do with eloquence
and more to do with our actions and intent.
It is ALWAYS appropriate to be authentically penitent and

gracious. Always. And a hand-written note is the preferred
manner of expressing appreciation. Most professionals I know
will grant courtesy interviews to help someone out. If the
interviewee does not send them a handwritten thank-you note
within three business days of the interview, they are not likely
to send the interviewee on to others who might be able to help
them. The same rule applies to job interviews: a second
interview is not given without the note, no matter how sharp
the applicant appears to be in the interview itself. It might seem
like a harsh rule, but with so many young people trying to get
into the public relations business or any other area of business
or communication, notes of appreciation easily separate the
candidates and signify which ones understand the importance
of follow-up (which is another characteristic of conscientious
employees).
If several candidates are competing for the same position, I

often take a closer look at the written message. Is there a
genuine tone, and are the words carefully chosen to express the
sentiment? What level is the individual’s vocabulary? Is the
wording natural, or does it sound contrived? Can the candidate
accurately express the intent of their message? How are
transitions used to convey the thread of thought? In a business
dependent on writing, a thank-you note is a good litmus test
of future potential, so I take them seriously. And I know I am
not alone.
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Courtesy, discretion, respect, and appreciation are hallmarks of

good manners. These things are essential for adults—
particularly in the world of work and personal advancement.
If you are new to a situation or relationship, your words and
your behavior ARE you. They constitute the first and most
important impression you make on people who can help
you succeed.
Make a conscious choice to use manners and discretion in all

your dealings with people, without exception. They will take
you further in the long run. Trust me on this.
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How are your manners?

Ask yourself these tough questions about your own manners:
1. Are you comfortable expressing, face-to-face, how thankful

you are for what someone has generously given or done
for you?
2. What are your thoughts about doing so?
List ways you can get even better at it. Be specific.
And then DO IT!
3. Do you write thank-you notes?
If so, what are your personal guidelines?
Are you satisfied with the manner in which you handle such
communications?
Describe the feedback you have received from your thank-

you notes.
List three other ways you can show more appreciation:
1.
2.
3.
Give thought to a creative way to express your personal

gratitude that will differentiate you from others.
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Chapter 11
The Art of Listening
Effective listening is one of the most important sets of skills

possessed by successful professionals. I continue to work on
my own ability to truly hear what others are communicating,
and I look for these skills in those people I mentor or hire to
work for my company.
Careful listening is a rare art these days, especially in board-

rooms, meetings, and places where true communication is
needed to move projects or relationships to the next level.
I’m going to start this chapter off with a little bit of my own
epiphany regarding the art of listening, so bear with me. I used
to think that extroverts ran the world. Since I am one, that fit
easily into my model of leadership, which was really more
about control than effectively leading. Over time, I grew to
realize that the people who were quieter often got more
“respect.” When they spoke, I watched closely, and eventually
came to realize that while I was talking off the top of my head
(and surely rambling at times), they were quietly listening and
thinking. When they spoke, I saw that their thoughts were
often more collected and logical than those who enjoyed the
sound of their own voices, including me. They seemed to get a
sort of validation that my high-energy approach missed. And
they got more feedback! I began to watch them more closely
and study their styles, mannerisms, and processes.
99
When someone else was speaking, I would take little mental

vacations: plan my weekend, make out a mental grocery list,
and visually “check in” every now and then with whomever
was speaking. Meetings with more than two or three people
were particularly boring for me, because I didn’t really care
what accounting had to say or what the marketing department
needed—I was only there for my part of the whole. Because I
did not listen very well, it took me a long time to realize the
need for confluence and collaboration. I felt bored, but now I
think it was an immature reaction to the fact that my part of the
meeting was not the most important part! Unfortunately, I
didn’t think too much about what anyone else had to say.
Then I had a performance review at Procter and Gamble. My

unit manager started to explain how to create a business plan.
I found the information fascinating. He seemed full of
knowledge, and presented it with such ease, making sure to
answer my every question without any hint of frustration or
condescension. He seemed almost happy to share his expertise!
I always felt a little out of my league with all the business

types I was surrounded by, and I was eager to compensate for
what I perceived as a lack of business savvy. But the way this
gentleman spoke and the interest he showed in the subject of
accounting was remarkable. I could not get enough of his
instruction! His words inspired me and validated me and the
work I was doing. He made me want to work harder for him
and for the company at a time when I was bored and ready to
move on.
It was years later that I began to understand that a good part of

his management of me was that he listened to me and seemed
to know exactly what I wanted to learn, just by reading
between the lines. He did it by listening carefully to me and
paying attention to how I was saying what I was saying. He
helped me learn what I needed in order to move up the ladder.
One of the most important lessons he taught me, purely by
example, was how to listen.
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Chapter 11: The Art of Listening
Improving Your Listening Skills
I don’t think it is possible to totally transform yourself over-

night, but if you stop what you’re thinking and listen intently
to what is being said, you will be off to a better place. The
beauty of learning how to listen more effectively is that it will
improve your relationships and other areas of your life.
Start this way: 1. How many times do you tend to interrupt or

speak over others? 2. How many times do you finish someone
else’s thoughts or stories in general conversation?
I was embarrassed when I realized that I tend to butt in before

the other person finishes speaking, and far too often. It seems
arrogant and self-centered now, and I don’t see myself that
way. In fact, speaking over someone else and not allowing the
other person to have their turn sends a very insulting and
disrespectful message.
Just becoming aware of this bad habit helped me curb it. I

don’t want to be the topic of after-meeting or after-party
conversations, where people rehash the events and discuss
the negative particulars. I also don’t want my name connected
with boorish or obnoxious behavior—I know too many people
like that, and I don’t want to be in that camp. So I paid
attention, and stopped each time I caught myself butting in,
using sheer will and determination. I took a couple of classes
and learned some techniques, but to this day, I struggle with it.
I know I am an extrovert and think quickly on my feet, but no
excuse is good enough to insult others by assuming that I know
what they are thinking or what they are going to say. There is
an art to quietly listening and allowing the other person to tell
their story.
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Active Listening
Contrary to what you might think, listening is not a passive

experience. It actually requires focused attention and energy.
“Hearing” does not require any effort—the sounds go into our
ears, whether we pay attention or not. You can become a better
listener—just promise yourself that you will block out the
extraneous “noise” in your mind when someone is speaking to
you. Then work at it every single second. Listen intently, and
when the speaker is finished, summarize in your own words
what you think you heard the other person saying so they can
correct any misperceptions. It goes something like this:
My boss: Lisa, I need for you to get me a report on our

online sales, comparing our Web sales last year versus this
year for the same time period. I need the numbers for a
meeting next week.
Me: Okay. You need for me to get the data that demon-
strates any changes between our online sales this year
versus our online sales last year, using the same time
period for an accurate comparison. Is that right? And what
is the deadline that I need to have information in its final
form to you?
This summarization technique actually saves time, which is an

invaluable commodity to anyone who works in a department
or industry that demands us to multi-task. Before you leave a
meeting or an interview, make sure you know what is being
asked of you, instead of taking a guess at it and realizing after
the fact that you did not understand what you were supposed
to do. When you take the time to actively listen, you will be
more efficient because you will do exactly what is expected of
you and will not have to repeat work or activity.
102
Better time management is also an added benefit to learning

how to be an active listener, because you’ll be able to “enter”
deadlines in your mental calendar. You’ll be more committed
to carrying out the request on time and able to visualize what
will be needed in a given time frame. This will help you work
it into the other demands of your job—the job you aspire to get,
or the one you have right now.
It actually gets easier, once you commit.
And there are other benefits, too.

Good listeners do especially well in jobs with a lot of people
interaction, such as sales, customer service, and management.
But as I said, the skill is invaluable in life, period. The more you
perfect your ability to listen actively and carefully, the more
time and energy you will have for another level of skill. Almost
without realizing it, you will also be able to understand what
is being left out as well, such as information central to a project,
discussion, or effort. This is a higher level of communication.
Here’s a simple example of what I mean:
Let’s say a colleague talks and talks about the plan for a project,
but somehow omits pertinent information that can change the
desired outcome. When everything is said and done, the active
listener will notice that something is wrong or is being left out,
such as information that is needed to support the premise or
project or a miscalculation in the budget or time frame. In most
cases, it will be something that is not said that will help
determine how successful the project turns out to be. Only
active listeners will “hear” the important error or omission and
question in a constructive manner what the possibilities might
be, thus helping shape the outcome or prevent serious mistakes
in judgment.
103
Being able to listen intently and think critically about what

you have heard or not heard can distinguish you from your
colleagues, and quite possibly prepare you for a new level of
responsibility or management because you have strengthened
your analytical skills and are able to anticipate problems and
solutions and come up with appropriate strategies.
Learn to train your mind to actively listen to the thoughts,

ideas, and opinions of others before you judge them. This is
so important if you want a successful career. Why? Because
that’s where it all begins.
104
How well do you listen?

Rate your current ability to actively listen to what is being said
in a group (or just to you individually). Use a scale of 1–10, with
10 being the highest rating value. Don’t be too easy on yourself.
Try to be as honest as you can.
The score you give yourself as a listener: _____
Okay, now that you know you aren’t perfect, list three strategies
that will help you become a better listener.
1.
2.
3.
List three people you have difficulty listening to. Give critical
thought to why this is, and write down the reasons. (Perhaps
he or she is older than you, uses advanced vocabulary, you hate
their whiny voice, etc.)
1.
2.
3.
Write down which strategies you will commit to doing to help

you listen more actively and intently to each person.
Revisit this self-assessment every now and then to gauge

your progress. And make it intentional to do so!
105
Chapter 12
Accept Help
What I have tried to do in this book is to share some of what

I have learned about life in order to help you. It is kind of
mentoring—sharing lessons learned and taking the time to
invest in another’s potential success. Mentoring has the power
to change lives and alter the course of one’s future. I am not the
only one who has been the beneficiary of mentoring and now
enjoys the opportunity to reach out to others and mentor them.
However, having a mentor does not imply a permanent

arrangement. A mentor is a wise and trusted counselor
or influential supporter, and can be anyone of any age, race,
faith, or relationship whom you choose to influence you. Kind
of like that teacher, aunt, uncle, or friend you listen to over
everyone else: the “cheerleader” who taps into you in a way
that others cannot. (The main difference between informal
mentoring and formal mentoring is that with formal
mentoring, there is a mutual agreement about what the
mentoring relationship entails.)
107
Help!
No matter who you are, you will benefit from the help, train-
ing, expertise, and guidance of someone who has been there
and done that. That said, if you are one of those individuals
who has not yet opened up to the experience, you are missing
a valuable opportunity to help yourself through life. This is not
encouraging to an employer.
Here’s an example of what I mean. In every class I teach, I offer

to review students’ résumés, yet only about three juniors or
seniors per class take me up on my offer. This astounds me,
because hiring someone to advise you on a résumé costs at least
$200! Not only is my offer a good economic value, but it is also
an intrinsic value, because I have spent 30 years looking at
résumés. One gets very good at something after that much
exposure and experience.
So why don’t more students take advantage? I have a few

theories, but the lead one is that many times students are
afraid or too shy to ask for help, or don’t want to look stupid
(though nothing could be further from the truth). Most often,
it is only a matter of tweaking here and there to turn the résumé
from an “okay” one to a strong one.
If someone reaches out to offer direct help that you know you
need or think you need, reach back. And even if it is something
you feel pretty confident about, why not run it by someone
older and wiser, or someone you trust? If you are open to
gaining a deeper understanding or a higher level of learning,
most anyone who has some expertise in the subject will be
flattered and will bring you along if you allow yourself the
opportunity. And YOU can be a mentor just as easily as you
can FIND one!
My fourth grade teacher, Mrs. Knock, was one of my earliest

mentors. She was patient and encouraging, and helped
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Chapter 12: Accept Help
me understand that I had some skills and maybe even a

little talent. I will save all the details for a memoir (if I write
one), but my point is that our lives are filled with individuals
who have helped us in some way, whether or not we realized
it at the time.
Now that you’re an adult, you will have to find your mentors
by looking for them. A mentor can be a co-worker, a boss, or
one of your parents’ friends or colleagues who has knowledge
or understanding that you need but do not possess.
Make sure your mind is open

to the possibility and opportunity.
One of the country’s most respected and admired individuals

might be eager to help you professionally, but you have to be
open to the idea of being mentored if things are to work in the
ideal state. I liken it to listening, in a way: Some people can
“hear” better than others because they are open to the
experience of being actively engaged in the process. Others, no
matter how hard the information is coming at them, just can’t
seem to listen to the wisdom embedded in the words.
You are only able to hear what you are open to hearing,
and you will only be open to mentoring if you admit the
need—that is, if you come to terms with the fact that you don’t
know it all. Asking for and even accepting help is difficult
for many people. I see it in many different circumstances,
professionally and personally. I have struggled myself with
accepting help, so I know this territory.
Listening and being open to the experiences of others costs

you nothing but time. You can reject what you hear if you like,
but most of it will prove to be a wise investment. It is all in
your hands. Be open to the wisdom, the guidance, and the life
experience of others.
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A number-one radio disc jockey in a top-15 market once told

me that even though she was scared, she followed the advice
of her first boss and chased her dream of pursuing radio as a
career. This was a big jump, considering that she was working
in her very first job out of college, at a science museum! Years
ago, someone asked her where she saw herself in five years.
She answered honestly, and this led to an entirely different and
more satisfying professional life, thanks to her ability to hear
what her mentor was saying when she encouraged her to reach
for the goal.
One of my favorite stories comes from a professional athlete

who was not what we’d call very successful when he played in
high school. He was usually the last one chosen to play because
he wasn’t physically big and was new to his school and the
sport. His frustration grew, but his coach picked up on it,
seeing drive and determination in the young man’s work ethic.
“Hang in there and don’t give up!” was all the coach would
say. The student listened, and took that lesson to heart. He
played at the highest levels, and is now retired from the game.
Being open and available to advice from others helped him
create a successful life by any measure, off and on the playing
field. Best of all, he now serves as a mentor to others, just as his
coach did for him.
One of my teaching colleagues shared a story about his own

early conflicts when grading students with talent versus those
who, well, lacked it. Since he taught a creative-type class, he
didn’t know how to compare those with natural gifts against
those who lacked that natural ability. His strategy was to ask
the advice of others with more experience. Over time, this
helped him create his own system of fairness when grading
time came. Interestingly enough, I sought his advice on the
very same subject many years later.
Professional ethics is another area where mentors can lead the

way. Some years ago, a young professional shared his story
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about learning to navigate the tricky world of commissions. It

wasn’t illegal to charge the highest percentage commission to
his clients, but this young man was conflicted because most of
his clients were unaware that salesmen had some discretion
over how much to charge. He thought everyone charged the
highest level, but in his mind he did not believe he earned the
“right” to charge such a high amount, since he was new at the
profession. He was concerned about cheating his family, but he
knew he worked very hard—harder than others he saw
charging the maximum. His company had a mentoring system,
and he was lucky enough to draw one of the top producers. In
a short time, he was astonished to learn that his mentor had the
most clients, but also charged the absolute lowest percentage of
everyone in the office. It made the managers crazy, because the
office stood to make more profit if the top producer charged
his clients higher percentages. In the long run, the younger
producer learned a great lesson about ethical standards. Just
because something is allowed does not necessarily mean it is
fair or good practice. This young man listened to his mentor
and his conscience, and has been richly rewarded.
One of my favorite students often struggled in class, although

it seemed that she had every good intention to do what I asked
of her. At mid-term, we discussed her grade and I knew she
was disappointed with it. She explained that she was working
a few jobs she had cobbled together, but that she was working
over 40 hours a week in total. She was mentally and physically
exhausted. No wonder! I advised her to go to the college’s
career center and ask about on-campus or nearby jobs that
would at least cut her commute time (which was considerable).
She overcame her embarrassment about discussing her
financial situation, and was rewarded when she did. Through
the help of others, this young woman was able to cut her work
time to less than 30 hours a week and apply for grants and
scholarships to help her pay for her last year in school. She was
honest with herself and others and sought help for a problem
111
that many students face. Her journey was more difficult than
most, but she learned so much in the process and will surely
pay it forward, as the saying goes. I know she will guide and
inspire others in the future.
The benefits of listening and accepting help outweigh the

hesitation or embarrassment. It will probably feel awkward,
but it might be your only way to achieve the goal you have set
for yourself. Once you venture out and accept it, you will see
that in many ways it helps us. Accepting help and offering help
connects us to others.
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Mentoring Opportunities
List the names of three individuals who might be able to help
you this year as mentors:
1.
2.
3.
Write down how these individuals might be able to mentor you

(in what area), and be as specific as you can.
1.
2.
3.
Who do you need to add to your list to make up for what is

lacking? (For instance, if you are in pretty good academic
standing but you know that you need to learn more about
personal finances, who can you go to for that?) List three names.
1.
2.
3.
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Chapter 13
Preparing for Interviews
Know More
As a public relations professional and college educator, I am

disappointed when I interview university graduates who are
obviously not prepared to discuss a job they are applying
for and its requirements. Most professionals who take the
time to interview a candidate expect a certain level of general
knowledge about the company and the job. In today’s
environment, there is just no excuse. How difficult is it to
Google a company and learn about it?
I have adopted a new strategy so I won’t waste any more of my

time, and I will pass it along in the spirit of mentoring. It goes
something like this: After the important niceties of the inter-
view are dispensed with—the greeting, the proper handshake,
the meeting of eyes, and the sitting down and settling in—my
first question is this: “Tell me what you know about my firm.”
About three out of five times, the respondent will say
something like, “Well I know you are a PR firm and you have
some interesting clients. I want to work with people like that.”
The individual is immediately eliminated from any serious

consideration before I say a word in response. What the person
is telling me is that he or she is enchanted with the people we
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are associated with, instead of the work. I call it the “celebrity

factor.” It’s not a requirement for working here, and in fact it is
a detriment. It suggests that the candidate does not understand
the seriousness of what we do.
People in a hiring position are looking for a general under-

standing of the company and its mission—the obvious
information one might learn by logging on to the company’s
Web site. A strong interviewee can list a few clients and
some of the firm’s projects and maybe express some interest by
asking intelligent questions. In no way do we expect a thesis
or graduate-level research into the history of the firm—just a
basic level of information.
Why is it important to know more? Well, if you are serious

about a job, you want to learn as much as you can. It positions
you above your competitors. If three of five candidates know
very little and you know something, you are ahead of the game.
If you know more than just a little, you are even further ahead.
Now, if you ask intelligent questions on top of that, wow!
You have the potential to ace the interview and maybe win
the job, too.
If that doesn’t make sense, here’s another reason: If the

company is somewhere you want to work, don’t you owe it to
yourself to see if the fit is a good one, or one that will work even
if it is not ideal? Shouldn’t you find out if this is your dream
job? Aren’t you curious? Think about it this way: You will
spend more time at work than anywhere else for a long time.
You will spend more time with co-workers than you will with
your roommates or family or spouse or friends. You get the
picture—this is the last place you should be passive about! It
ought to be your goal to learn more! You ought to feel obligated
as well as excited to learn about what options, possibilities,
strengths, and weaknesses this company might present for
your future. After all, it is your life.
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Chapter 13: Preparing for Interviews
Finally, your work will be a source of many things for you in

life. It will help define your purpose and satisfy important
needs, such as paychecks, self-esteem, intellectual curiosity,
and that whole idea of connectedness. Jobs are the way we
make a living in our culture, and each one is a large chunk of
time, so why not be actively involved in the process?
A True Story
A well-known partner in a prestigious law firm asked me once

to speak with his daughter, who had just graduated from a
highly accredited journalism school. I was happy to oblige her
father, a colleague and a friend, because he and I have worked
together and I know that he would do the same for me. I knew
he would not waste my time, so I looked at it as a professional
courtesy and set up the interview, thinking that I would also
help her if she passed muster.
She arrived on time, looking like a runway model. She is tall

and striking, confident, and extremely well dressed (though
showing cleavage). She wore jewelry that was clacking and
clanging as she gathered her belongings to come into my office.
She smiled at me with perfect teeth and moved forward to
shake my hand. Her grip was firm and appropriate, and she
made intentional eye contact. The young woman had been told
that I did not have a job opening and that this was just a
courtesy interview. I decided to give her some of my time. If
she was impressive enough, I would help her network or find
others in a position to help her land a job or agree to send her
on to other networked and influential people in our market
who might hire her.
As we walked to my office, she thanked me for the opportunity

and told me that she knew how busy I was and that her father
117
had spoken highly of me. She said all the right things, and I
formed a first impression in a few minutes that would be
difficult to erase. Can you identify any warning signs I might
have picked up on?
She sat down across from me and immediately plopped a

rather large and heavy bag down on top of my desk. It had
chains and locks literally hanging off of it, and it took up a good
amount of space on my desk. She began rummaging around
inside the bag, reminding me of Mary Poppins and her own
amazing bag (which contained a floor lamp).
Finally, she came up with her résumé, and pulled it out of the
mess that I imagined was lurking inside this brightly colored
leather accessory (which must have held serious or secret
content—it had LOCKS hanging off it, for heavens sake!). I was
quite sure that even by generous interpretations, it was not
a professional briefcase with compartments for résumés
and important papers. Hardly the collected and polished look
I expected.
I made a mental note to counsel her that she ought to give some
thought to the presentation of her résumé—and I mean the
literal presentation, not the state of or condition of her written
credentials: how she finds it, how she pulls it out to show
someone, and how she hands it over. She straightened out the
corners and laughed as she explained that her bag was in need
of a good clean out. This helped with the conversation, but did
little to impress. Details matter a lot in the business world, and
being prepared is key. Looking good is secondary to the hard
work involved in being prepared.
We only had 30 minutes, and too much time had already been
spent on the résumé retrieval. The young woman casually
mentioned to me while digging around that she thought
her dad had e-mailed the résumé to me. BIG MISTAKE! BIG
RED FLAG! This was not Daddy’s interview, and this was not
Daddy’s impression or responsibility. We moved on to what I
consider to be very serious issues.
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Her résumé had three errors on the top half of the first page. I
never got any further down; I saw the first one right away, and
no doubt showed my dismay. Typos are simply unacceptable,
particularly when you are trying to sell your abilities and
potential. They show a lack of attention, a lack of under-
standing, and a lack of preparedness. They are the absolute
worst impression one can make when interviewing for a job in
public relations or any communication field, including
journalism. The interview was essentially over for me, though
I did finish out the obligatory 30 minutes.
I brought the typos to her attention. She giggled aloud and said
that she was in a hurry because she did not know her dad was
asking me to see her on this particular day—she thought it
might be later in the month. She explained that she had decided
to keep the appointment, since he had already set it up. RED
FLAGS EVERYWHERE. She was still daddy’s little girl,
and was evidently not quite ready to stand on her own two
feet. Daddy had worked harder on this interview than she had,
I think.
Then came the really hard part. I had to constructively explain

that while this interview would not be fruitful in getting her a
real job, I had much to share. I spent the last few minutes
explaining that competent, just-graduated candidates for a
public relations career see themselves as solid writers who
have an interest in entry-level jobs where they can learn and be
trained for future positions as strategists and counselors for
complex communication projects. She seemed happy enough
for the information, and apologized. However, it was as clear
as the nose on my face that she was not prepared in any of the
ways I consider basic and essential.
• She did not know anything about our firm, except that her
“daddy” knew me.
• She did not know what competent PR people do.
• She did not have any idea how significant writing ability is
in terms of tactical reality.
119
• She was completely unaware of the importance of delivering

a polished and collected presentation.
• She did not have any writing samples with her.
What she did understand was what I call the “MTV approach”
to interviewing, which is a lot about fashion, style, and getting
attention. None of that really cuts it in professional work.
If you are presenting yourself to a reputable and successful

company, a job candidate must be aware of more than just the
basics. Your attire sends micro-messages that are picked up
in milliseconds, communicating a tremendous amount of
information. If you are representing a reputable and successful
company, you need to know its standards, and impress
accordingly.
Having a well-written résumé communicates similarly. It says

that you realize the importance of accuracy, style, attention to
detail, and word choice. It should provide a glimpse into the
strength of your writing ability and other variables that
distinguish you from your competition. A résumé alone rarely
gets you hired, but it is your calling card and should not be
underestimated.
Your résumé is a reflection of you.
If you are a young graduate, you will not have much pro-
fessional experience, but there are ways to demonstrate your
interest and potential on a résumé. You must seek information
about how to prepare the most complete résumé you can, and
you must be able to talk about your strengths and accomplish-
ments. All successful people learn to do this, and the sooner
you can do it, the better off you will be.
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A Simple Model
Start by acquiring general knowledge about the company or

organization you are seeking employment with. Make it
obvious in the interview that you have done your homework—
not by taking over the interview, but by working your
information into the logical order of things. Who started the
company? Why? What city or marketplace was it founded in?
Is it a public or private company? Is it family-owned, or is it
a corporation where a board of directors governs policy? Is it a
non-profit? What is the current state of the organization? Is
the economy a factor in the success or downturn of the way the
business or organization is run? Who are the principal decision
makers? What is the background of those people? Is there a
connection you might be able to make (you attended the same
school, grew up in the same city, know individuals in common,
or have common experiences)? I remember having the old “I
was a waitress, too” conversation in many job interviews.
And let’s clear up something else on this topic. Name-dropping

is usually a mistake, but having genuine information or knowl-
edge about a person is not a mistake. There’s a difference: If you
have met someone, it does not mean that you “know” him or
her. However, if you genuinely know an individual whom the
interviewer knows as well, there is no harm speaking of that in
a professional way. I won’t care that you are drinking buddies,
but I might care that you interned for Mr. or Ms. Important
Person, or worked part-time for them while you were in high
school. In other words, speak of the in-common person as it
relates to the job opening, not to impress.
How are you supposed to find this information? Think about

it. What are the ways that we become better informed? The
obvious is the Internet, but there are many other ways. Start
by reading the daily paper in the market where you plan to
work. There is plenty of useful information published or
on television, and if ever there was a media-savvy generation,
121
you are it! Download podcasts from sources you trust to search
for supporting information. Find out about competitors,
market conditions, the industry in general, and leaders at the
company or organization level and at the industry level.
Become immersed. Even if you do not get the job, you will
be better informed.
Seek the opinion of your mentors or others in the know. Ask

questions of anyone who has a higher level of knowledge. This
might get you in the door if the person you ask for information
knows the person or company you are trying to get into and
offers to help. (I have done that for students whom I think are
worth the investment.)
The bottom line is to find ways to be better informed—not

just about the company or one of the executives, but about
the larger framework, where it all makes sense. Work in
this information while answering questions or explaining
your interests. I can’t think of a single instance where I was
turned off by a candidate who knew too much about me or
my company or how I do business! Don’t be an arrogant know-
it-all. Do the homework needed to speak intelligently and
beyond the very obvious. It is refreshing and impressive, and
definitely not the norm, so you are positioning yourself
for success.
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How to Become Better Informed!

1. List ways to become better informed about the company or
organization you are interested in. Be specific.
•
•
•
2. List the people who can offer help or information to help

you become better informed. Include their phone numbers
and e-mail addresses.
• •
• •
• •
3. Make a list of at least five specific questions you should

ask to become better informed on the topics, companies,
organizations, or people you want to learn more about.
a.
b.
c.
d.
e.
4. Ask yourself how the companies and organizations you are

interested in fit into the related industry, and what position
they are in. List sources of such information, and commit to
doing the work required to acquire it.
• •
5. List specific books, periodicals, journals, and other news

sources you can consult to learn more about the industry
and topics of interest to the company. Then begin your
effort to impress!
•
•
•
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Chapter 14
Humility and Self-Confidence
We all know a few confident people: They walk into a room

and command attention, or amaze us with abilities we yearn to
have. They smile easily and are composed, conveying comfort
and self-assurance, with no need to impress. They listen closely
and we find ourselves wanting to be in their company. Self-
confidence is an elixir that can help you make things happen.
When I think of self-confidence, I think of specific clients

who have been in the public eye for professional reasons,
attracting more than an average amount of attention. Some of
these individuals are professional athletes who compete in
front of tens of thousands of people. Others run billion-dollar
companies. All of them command attention as professionals,
yet when they are away from their spheres of influence or
domains of power, they exude humility. They do not over-
estimate their importance, and appear to understand that being
accomplished in one area of life does not automatically mean
they are accomplished in other areas or professions. Such
individuals do not see the need to fake any kind of knowledge,
but rather seek to learn from others who have more information
or experience.
125
No one is a better example of this than a former NFL player I

know who was asked as a local celebrity to dance during a
fundraiser that involved ballroom dancing—something he had
zero knowledge about. After considerable deliberation and
many discussions with his wife, he decided to go for it. He
admitted that he was really scared, but graciously accepted
the challenge to open himself up publicly and be a part of the
effort to raise money for victims of domestic violence. He
believed the cause was worthy of his time and even potential
embarrassment.
This former NFL player went to every single lesson. As frus-

trated as he often was, he stuck with it, but he had nightmares
about falling, or dropping the professional dancer he was
matched with. He did not assume that because he was good at
one thing, it would automatically transfer to another. He
was willing to work, ask questions, and get out of his comfort
zone. And he did it under the glare of publicity, which meant
cameras watching his every move—mistakes and all!
If you are scared to try something new, let me reassure you:

You are not alone. You have probably been scared before,
right? And it all worked out, didn’t it? Success breeds confi-
dence. After a while, you will conquer your fear and accept and
even appreciate it as a motivating factor.
Learn to welcome fear. Step right into it! Remember that almost
everything we do for the first time is scary. Go back to babies
and watch them take the first step: They are wobbly, awkward,
and unsure, and they look to their parents’ smiling faces to
gather the courage to move one stubborn foot in front of the
other. They fall, but they get back up and go at it again. The big
difference is that with babies, we encourage, motivate, inspire,
and pour our hearts into supporting their most basic effort. In
real life, each of us has to get up on our own, often dealing with
some kind of adversity. But again, it can be done and it is done.
YOU CAN DO IT, TOO!
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Chapter 14: Humility and Self-Confidence
Always look inside first.
So much of moving forward to live the life you want to live lies
in making the honest examination we talked about in the very
first chapter. You must grapple with and meet any resistance
you are facing head on if you want to chart your own course.
You must acknowledge, face, and conquer whatever odds you
see before you. When you do, you will begin to understand that
even the most basic success breeds more of the same.
So stop your world for a few minutes. Go inside your head

to that place where no one else goes, and look for all the
things you do that hold you back. I’ll help stoke the flames
with what I hear and see in young people I know that they
say holds them back:
“I love my boyfriend/girlfriend and don’t want to leave him.”

“My parents won’t pay for it.”
“I don’t like cold/hot weather.”
“I can’t make a living there.”
“Why should I leave here?”
“I am moving home because my parents won’t pay for me to
pursue my dream.”
Hmmmm. Don’t these look like lightly veiled excuses, parading

around as reasons? If my hunch is right, all of these “reasons”
are just to cover up fear. Young people are scared, because
being a college graduate implies adult behavior, adult
responsibilities, and, well, growing up. It is exhilarating if you
are prepared, but it is just as terrifying if you are not. Lack of
preparedness is mostly what I see in the eyes of college seniors
facing the suddenly very large world! Where did the last four
years go? Why didn’t I listen more carefully? How do I do a résumé?
Where do I go for help? How am I going to do this?
127
You will do it by shedding all your extra baggage: bad habits,

boyfriend or girlfriend, friends who no longer are true
connections, preconceived notions, lack of discipline, and so
on. You will have to come to grips with all the losses that come
with life that Judith Viorst spoke of in her excellent book
Necessary Losses, originally published in 1987. You are at your
own crossroads:
You must choose to grow up,

or choose to stay where you are.
It is an important stage, to be sure, and the process you will

have to go through will likely cause you to lose sleep, lose or
gain weight and give you feelings of worry, regret, anxiety, or
sheer terror. You might have vivid dreams, or want to laugh or
cry out of frustration. It is even possible that you will feel more
insecure than you ever have at any other time in your life.
It is all normal, because you are on the brink of becoming an

adult. While it is intoxicating, it is also real and mysterious.
You have never been in exactly this place before, and you
probably never will be here again in quite the same way.
So shed the excess baggage, get focused, and look inside

yourself. If you have not yet done what you need to do, don’t
fret. You get to wake up tomorrow and start all over again. You
can do this—lots of people who have gone before you have. But
you will have to become far more focused and better prepared
than your competition. Accept this reality, and get rid of the
people who say you can’t or who hold you back or down. It’s
time. (It’s probably past time, but that is what being a late
bloomer means. So what?)
128
Ask questions.
Start asking questions and talk to people who matter. Ask all of
the questions that have been milling around in your mind that
somehow have held you back. All of the questions that you
wanted to ask but thought might be disrespectful. All the
questions you know you need answered in order to get to the
next step or level or plateau.
Review the chapter on manners, and make sure to ask all of

your questions with the highest level of respect and courtesy.
You will be nothing short of amazed at what you learn and get
back in the form of mentoring. Shake the nerves and make
yourself do it.
A young man I know wanted very much to play college base-

ball. He was given the opportunity to attend a tryout practice,
but there was an e-mail mix-up and he never made it. He knew
he had to explain to the coach why he wasn’t there to try out,
but he was intimidated and fearful about how the coach would
react. He left a voice message immediately, but he knew that he
needed to speak to the coach face-to-face to reassure him that
he was truly interested in playing on the team and tell him
he was sorry about the screw up. Playing college ball was his
dream, and in his mind, so much was at risk because he missed
the tryouts.
This determined young man did not let fear paralyze him.
Instead, he faced it down and went to the field to talk to the
coach, not knowing whether he would be ignored, yelled at, or
immediately kicked off the field. All this didn’t escape the
veteran coach, who knew all too well how intimidating it is for
young people to have to face an authority figure who holds one
of the keys to their future. But adults look for signs of character
as well as ability, and this young man passed both tests. He
also proved to himself that he could do what he needed to do,
and it gave him new confidence that he would be able to work
through his fears the next time.
129
The Importance of Asking Questions
One very simple way to become more comfortable with others

is to learn how to gracefully and politely ask questions.
Not only do you learn, but you become an engaging con-
versationalist. This is a very useful and important skill for
professionals.
Think about it. Almost everyone likes to talk about themselves

and their interests. But the questions you ask have to be appro-
priate, or the other person might take offense. If you get some
kind of signal that it is an inappropriate question, apologize or
re-phrase the question. You might be embarrassed and feel
very small, but almost any mistake can be taken care of with
good manners. A hand-written note softens most any blunder
I can think of.
A personal story: Years ago I guest lectured at an honors

English class at a very large public high school. A shy young
man in the back corner slowly raised his hand to ask a question.
I stopped talking to give him the floor so he would know that I
was actively listening to him. He seemed to struggle with how
to ask his question, which was how much money I made. I had
encouraged the students to ask questions, but this one sur-
prised me. The class laughed at the question, and the student
seemed mildly uncomfortable. I decided that the question was
perfectly normal, although awkward, and worth an answer. I
did not want to provide a figure, since my income is
complicated (and I often do not know it until the end of the
year, anyway). However, I wanted to reward his courage in
asking. I called for a show of hands as to who else wanted to
know the exact same thing he was asking. Almost every hand
shot up. One girl loudly protested that it was rude to ask this
kind of question. I explained that while I thought it was a very
good and normal question, it was also personal, and I was
not comfortable talking specifically about my income. I said
that I would be happy to provide a range that people in my
130
profession typically earn. I used the opportunity to stress

higher education for higher-earning potential. When the class
was over, I went over to the student (who seemed a little
embarrassed) to tell him that he had done something that no
one else in the class had the guts to do, and that I thought it was
admirable. I reassured him that his question was a little edgy,
but in no way did it offend me. He went on to become a
journalism student at an excellent state university, and I have
reminded him since that occasion that he is perfectly suited for
this important work.
So, in learning to ask questions, you also learn about life. You
learn which people are good at talking about themselves,
which ones might be willing to mentor you, which people are
shy, and which ones are outgoing. You might learn how to
solve a problem, how to build a doghouse, or how to make a
new recipe. Someone might even spark an interest you never
knew you had—all this just because you ask appropriate
questions! When you ask about others, you turn yourself into a
more interesting person because you are giving someone else
the chance to be front and center. You walk away more
informed and more comfortable in a room full of strangers.
Conversation is an art that is always in demand, and I admire
those who do it well. It is a skill that can open all kinds of
amazing doors for you. And best of all, it is a skill that will
never leave you.
131
How good are you at

the art of making conversation?
Think about how you would answer these questions about this
important life skill.
1. How good are you at talking about something other than

yourself?
2. What are some ways you stop yourself when you realize that
you are talking too much about yourself?
3. List some general questions that you might pose to others

when you first meet them.
4. List some general themes you think are safe subjects of

conversation when you are just meeting someone for the first
time.
5. How do you react when someone asks you what you consider
to be an inappropriate question?
Could you handle it more gracefully? How so?
6. If you could ask three questions of your fantasy hero, what

would they be?
7. What are some ways you can get outside your comfort zone to
open new avenues for self-discovery? Try to think of three.
132
A Final Word
Okay. You finished what you started and read the book all the
way through. I hope you learned something and made up your
mind to do something with your life. GO FOR IT. My goal was
to nudge you and be that little voice that encourages you to
trust yourself, take a chance, and believe that you can do it.
If you want to be THAT person, think THIS about your life:
Remember that it is your life. You get to choose from here

on in. If you make a mistake, you must own up to it and
move forward. Remember where you want to go, and be sure
you head in that direction. Be courageous enough to see your
strengths and your failures for what they really are.
When you take the first real step along the path to where you
want to end up, you will have to make some big decisions.
Remember that a career is very different from a job: No matter
what, you will need to make a plan and have to make sacrifices
along the way to the bigger goal.
You are grooming yourself for that career, internally and

externally. No one else can do it for you! Present your physical
self and your mental self professionally. Dress appropriately
and behave appropriately—not what you think is appropriate,
but what is appropriate for a career professional. And that
includes manners and respect for others when it comes to
technology.
133
Every now and then—daily, if you can—be still and listen. Listen
to others, and listen to yourself. Be gracious when others offer to
help you, and let them. And remember to thank everyone who
helps you in any way along the way.
Prepare, prepare, prepare. There is no such thing as being over

prepared! And this includes learning about things that you
have never had much interest in. The more well rounded you
are, the more confident you will feel and the better you will
perform. It will pay off in many ways throughout your life.
Remember this, too: I am in your corner. If you need a cheer-

leader, I am it. I truly believe that every one of you possesses
unlimited potential. What your journey has been thus far is just
fuel for your future, good or not so good. As you move ahead
toward the career you choose, don’t forget to make the
necessary adjustments along the way and to enjoy the process.
You can do it.
Your future is up to you.
134
About the Author
Lisa Brock is a public relations professional with nearly

30 years of experience serving national and international
clients. Her full-service public relations and marketing firm
in Tampa, Florida specializes in media relations, crisis
management, and sports marketing. Lisa and her staff have
worked with major U.S. corporations and been involved in
large-scale business expansions and public events. An experi-
enced moderator and facilitator in crisis intervention and
issues management, Lisa has mediated in situations requiring
great sensitivity, ranging from criminal cases involving
pedophilia to drug and alcohol abuse in the workplace,
environmental issues, white-collar crime, death and disease,
celebrity publicity, foundation management, race relations,
and gender equality.
Lisa began her career immediately upon graduation from

Florida State University, where she was recruited into Procter
and Gamble’s management-training program. She later moved
on to become the public relations manager for the Anheuser-
Busch-owned Busch Gardens Tampa Bay, and then leader of
marketing efforts for a $35 million entertainment-complex
expansion project. Super Bowl XV; the Dress for Humanity
world tour of royal costumes owned and worn by the late
Diana, Princess of Wales; the Olympic Games; World Cup
Tennis; and the Royal Palaces in London are among her firm’s
professional clients.
135
This book is an outgrowth of Lisa’s commitment to social

welfare and mentorship. She has been involved in homeless-
shelter work and in issues related to young people for her
entire adult life, and takes a special interest in the personal
development of girls and young women. As an adjunct
university professor, coach, board member, fundraiser,
businesswoman, mother, stepmother, and working profes-
sional, Lisa Brock draws on her own unusual and difficult
experiences to help young people find and travel on their own
path to a productive and satisfying life.
Goodbye College—Hello Life! Go-To Answers from a Got-There

Grown-Up is her first book.
136

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Goodbye College Hello Life:Layout 1 10/28/2008 1:44 PM Page i

HRD Press, Inc. • Amherst • Massachusetts

Copyright © 2009 by Lisa Brock

All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America.

Published by: HRD Press, Inc.

Editorial services by Suzanne Bay

Chapter 1: It’s Your Life—

Chapter 2: Where Are You Headed? .................................... 13

Chapter 3: Your Strengths and Weaknesses ........................ 23

Chapter 4: How Will You Know

Chapter 5: Sacrifices ................................................................ 45

Chapter 6: Are You Looking for a Career, or a Job? .......... 55

Chapter 7: Make a Plan............................................................ 61

Chapter 8: Groom Yourself Inside and Out ........................ 69

Goodbye College—Hello Life!

Chapter 9: Technology Common Sense ................................ 81

Chapter 10: Good Manners Never Go Out of Style .............. 89

Chapter 11: The Art of Listening.............................................. 99

Chapter 12: Accept Help .......................................................... 107

Chapter 13: Preparing for Interviews...................................... 115

Chapter 14: Humility and Self-Confidence ............................ 125

A Final Word .............................................................................. 133

About the Author ...................................................................... 135

I wrote this book because I love the optimism and edge-of-

As a businesswoman, coach, religious teacher, and amateur

It’s Your Life.

Your life belongs to you. It does not belong to your parents,

Goodbye College—Hello Life!

My son Cody, at the age of 8, thought he should be allowed to

Playing “Spy” in the neighborhood might have been a good

My point in sharing this little anecdote is to point out that

Chapter 1: It’s Your Life—Own it Sooner, Rather than Later

Are you ready? Because there is a price.

It is time for you to own your choices and decisions in full. I

Notice that I am not telling you that things will go exactly as

Are you ever really free?

Goodbye College—Hello Life!

Choosing to own your life means putting some distance

There will undoubtedly be a tearful goodbye at some juncture,

Chapter 1: It’s Your Life—Own it Sooner, Rather than Later

Each step and each milestone represents a move toward greater

One of the interns in my office came to me recently to discuss

“Carol” had been an average to above-average intern. She

Still, I wanted to give her some valuable information

Goodbye College—Hello Life!

for graduation, and her loud and unruly roommates. Finally,

This was interesting! She had never once mentioned this

I am all about dreams, so I asked how she planned to accom-

I wanted to learn more, so I pressed. “What market would you

“My parents asked me if I was crazy,” she reported. “They said

Chapter 1: It’s Your Life—Own it Sooner, Rather than Later

knew she’d have to have a “bunch of roommates,” but it was

Carol was intrigued, but not swayed. “There is no way

As I write this, a young woman I know is applying to colleges

The pressure of knowing that one’s parents will not support a

Goodbye College—Hello Life!

The consequences of respectfully disagreeing with her parents

Each difficulty in life is an invitation to step into the middle of

I know another young person who was doing very well at an

Chapter 1: It’s Your Life—Own it Sooner, Rather than Later

It is no secret to those of us who have done it that growing up

Try and retrain your brain to think this way:

I GET to do this on my own!

This simple declaration can reduce your anxiety, and it rings