THE MAGAZINE DEVOTED TO MENTAL HEALTH

FEB 2021

Listen to
8
!
ing

your heart

k
oo
Now we're c
Learn to live life with
'heartfulness' at the core QUICK & EASY
mouth-watering
batch bakes

SHAKE IT OFF
(negative energy, that is) SPEAK EASY
Ditch the drama
by learning how to We decipher the 5
set boundaries love languages &
how to express them

Professor Green gets real with gut health

An in-depth guide to therapeutic writing
Empowering reminders that can be worn everywhere.

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S O U L A N A LY S E .C O M

Changing the way you speak to yourself.

 Be your
own BFF
Who’s been there for you since day
one, with you through thick and thin,
by your side no matter what – even if
there are times when you don’t always
see eye to eye?
As we approach Valentine’s Day, a lot
of thoughts will be focused on our
loved ones and relationships with
others, especially when there are so
many people we miss and can’t be as
physically close to as we used to.
Some people might be lucky enough
to conjure up family members, friends
or partners who fit the description
above. But the truth is the most
important relationship you will ever
have is with yourself.
Much like a radio, we can find that the
messages our body is trying to tell us
can seem a little fuzzy and distorted. It
could be background noise that we’re
not giving our full attention to. But
there is real power in tuning in to the
right frequency.
And that’s our aim with this issue.
From helping you understand your
true self with five essential questions,
to diving into the gut-brain connection
and how our physical and mental
selves can impact each other, we want
you to spend some time getting to
know you. Because when you do, you
allow yourself to thrive – and your
external relationships too!
In times when we might feel cut off
from the world around us, and believe
that the walls are closing in, being your
own best friend is more important than
ever. It’s time to really listen to your
wants and needs, and let that positive
energy ripple out.
Brené Brown once said: “Owning our
story and loving ourselves through that
process is the bravest thing that we’ll
ever do.”
When you nurture that relationship
with yourself, wonderful things really
can happen.
Happy reading.
W | happiful.com
F | happifulhq
T | @happifulhq
REBECCA THAIR | EDITOR I | @happiful_magazine
 49
Find your balance
16 Do you remember?
We explore how memories help
to shape who we are

23 Ask yourself this

Five questions to ask to get
to know yourself better

35 Say it with us
Affirmations for hard times

49 The heart doesn’t lie

We explore the soothing practice
of ‘heartfulness’

Refill your cup

14 What is niksen?
Embrace time doing nothing

26 Down on paper
Writing for wellness
32 Me after motherhood
Parenthood is life-altering, so how
can you reconnect with yourself?
53 Your time is yours
Wellbeing
30 Crystal clear
Our expert answers questions on
how to get the most out of crystals
64 Bring hygge home
Embrace a dash of Danish cosiness
71 Bryony Gordon
The writer and campaigner on
building personal resilience
Feel-good food True stories
20 Spice it up 37 Daniella: the missing link
Embrace mindful cooking Discovering the mind-body link
made everything make sense
40 Cook up a storm
Eight nutritious recipes 67 Philip: finding freedom
How an accident gave Philip a
58 In the mood? different view of the world around him
Learn about the surprising culprit
behind bad moods 95 Deepanshi: being open
Sharing her OCD struggle was the
82 Professor Green turning point for Deepanshi
The rapper and campaigner on
his journey with gut health
Culture
8 Read all about it
This month’s uplifting news
13 The wellbeing wrap

30
80 Recover right
How to take care of yourself when 61 Dive in
you’re signed off work for your MH Get lost in these good reads

82
Relationships
46 Manage manipulation
56 First date nerves
32 How to conquer them for good
75 Show them you care
Small little things that go a long way
76 Set boundaries
86 Love languages
Which one are you speaking?
91 Pain and shame
We look at painful sex and explore
what stops us speaking up
Try this at home
29 Declutter your mind
62 Things to do in February
23
90 Tight on time?
Self-care to suit any schedule
98 The body scan guide
40
*
Expert review
Every issue of Happiful is
reviewed by an accredited
counsellor, to ensure we
deliver the highest quality
content while handling
topics sensitively.
Relationships are key to our very
functioning. But maintaining
healthy relationships can
sometimes be challenging.
A healthy relationship with
yourself is the foundation for
having a healthy relationship
with anything external –
others, food, boundaries, etc.
It provides a base that we can
develop and grow from, but
it does requires attention and
care. Check out p23 for some
simple, but extremely helpful,
tips on how you can connect
with the self. By focusing on you,
you have the ability to nurture
a love for your true self, which
will be inherently felt by those
around you.
RAV SEKHON
BA MA MBACP (Accred)
Rav is a counsellor
and psychotherapist
with more than 10
years' experience.
 Expert Panel Our team
Meet the team of experts who have come together to deliver EDITORIAL
information, guidance, and insight throughout this issue Rebecca Thair | Editor
Kathryn Wheeler | Head Writer
Chelsea Graham | Editorial Assistant
BIBI JAMIESON GRAEME ORR
MA (Hons) MBACP MBACP (Accred) Reg Ind
Bonnie Evie Gifford, Kat Nicholls | Senior Writers
Becky Wright | Content & Marketing Officer
Bibi is an integrative Graeme is a counsellor
Katie Hoare | Digital Marketing & Content Officer
psychotherapeutic working with both
counsellor. individuals and couples. Grace Victory | Columnist
Lucy Donoughue | Head of Partnerships
Ellen Hoggard | Digital Editor
RACHEL COFFEY AYESHA GISELLE
Janette Owen | Sub-Editor
BA MA NLP Mstr OCN MAC CPHT
Rav Sekhon | Expert Advisor
Rachel is a life coach, Ayesha is a life and
encouraging accountability coach ART & DESIGN
confidence. helping clients set goals. Amy-Jean Burns | Head of Product
Charlotte Reynell | Creative Lead
Rosan Magar | Illustrator
LOUIS OLIVER-BROOKE CHRIS MOUNSHER
BA HDipCT HCertSAL BSc PGDip MBACP Emma Boast | Graphic Designer

Louis is a therapist, Chris is a humanistic COMMUNICATIONS

crystal healer, Reiki counsellor helping clients Alice Greedus | PR Officer
master, and herbalist. break unhealthy patterns. alice.greedus@happiful.com

CONTRIBUTORS
Adamantia Velonis, Katie Conibear, Jenna Farmer,
CHARLOTTE SIMPSON REBECCA CORNEY Michelle Elman, Amber Bryce, Daniella Fagan,
BA MSc PG Dip MBACP BSc MSc PGDip cpsychol AFBPsS Philip Sheridan, Deepanshi Gulati

Charlotte is a couples Rebecca is a SPECIAL THANKS

counsellor and psychologist working Graeme Orr, Rachel Coffey, Jacqueline Denton,
psychosexual therapist. with older adults. Rebecca Corney, Bibi Jamieson, Louis Oliver-Brooke,
Clare Backhouse, Chris Mounsher, Charlotte Simpson,
Ayesha Giselle, Susan Hart, Lucy Sparkes, Nissa
Dewshi, Kirstie Lawton, Michele Scarr, Laurele Mitchell
LAURELE MITCHELL JACQUELINE DENTON
BA (Hons) PgDip MNCS (Snr Accred) BA MSc AMAHDip AMACDip
MANAGEMENT
Aimi Maunders | Director & Co-Founder
Laurele is a person-centred Jacqueline is a meditation
Emma White | Director & Co-Founder
counsellor specialising in teacher, passionate about Paul Maunders | Director & Co-Founder
relationship issues. helping her clients heal.
SUBSCRIPTIONS

Our nutritionists
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shop.happiful.com, or call Newsstand on
+44 (0)1227 277 248 or email
SUSAN HART KIRSTIE LAWTON subenquiries@newsstand.co.uk

MFHT MFNT PhD AfN mBANT

CONTACT
Susan is a nutrition coach, cook, Kirstie is a registered nutritionist and Happiful, c/o Memiah, Building 3,
and food writer. director of You Nutrition Ltd. Riverside Way, Camberley, Surrey, GU15 3YL
Email us at hello@happiful.com
NISSA DEWSHI MICHELE SCARR
dipNT mBANT rCNHC BA (Hons) Dip Nut
HAPPIFUL FAMILY
Helping you find the help you need.
Nissa is a nutritional therapist specialising Michele is a nutritional therapist, health Counselling Directory, Life Coach Directory,
in fatigue and gut health. coach and CNN lecturer. Hypnotherapy Directory, Nutritionist Resource,
Therapy Directory
LUCY SPARKES CLARE BACKHOUSE
BA (Hons) Dip CNM PhD dipION mBANT CNHC

Lucy is a nutritional therapist specialising in Clare is a nutritional therapist specialising

digestive disorders and family nutrition. in energy, mood, and thyroid health.
Find help
Reader offer
CRISIS SUPPORT
If you are in crisis and are concerned for
your own safety, call 999 or go to A&E
Head to
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Competitions and prize draws!
SUPPORT FOR ALZHEIMER’S
p16 For those living with Alzheimer’s, and for their family, find support and
guidance at alzheimers.org.uk or call their helpline: 0333 150 3456 Visit happiful.com

LEARN MORE ABOUT COMPLEMENTARY THERAPY

p30 Discover therapists practising in your area, and learn about
the many options available to you at therapy-directory.org.uk

INFORMATION ON OCD One undeniable truth is that

p95 Find help and advice from the national charity run by, and finding the right help for each
for, people living with OCD at ocduk.org individual is a journey – what
works for one of us will be
different for someone else. But
don't feel disheartened if you
THE MAGAZINE DEVOTED TO MENTAL HEALTH
Our two-for-one tree commitment is made of two parts. Firstly, haven't found your path yet.
we source all our paper from FSC® certified sources. The FSC® Our Happiful family can help
label guarantees that the trees harvested are replaced, or
FEB 2021
you on your way. Bringing
8
£5.99

Listen to allowed to regenerate naturally. Secondly, we will ensure an

together various arms of
!
ing

your heart additional tree is planted for each one used, by making a suitable
k
oo
Now we're c

support, each of our sister

Learn to live life with
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Limited. The opinions, views and values expressed in Happiful
are those of the authors of that content and do not necessarily
sites focuses on a different
method of nourishing your
SHAKE IT OFF
SPEAK EASY
represent our opinions, views or values. Nothing in the magazine
(negative energy, that is)
Ditch the drama
by learning how to We decipher the 5

wellbeing – from counselling,

love languages &
constitutes advice on which you should rely. It is provided for
set boundaries
how to express them

general information purposes only. We work hard to achieve the

highest possible editorial standards, however if you would like
to hypnotherapy, nutrition,
to pass on your feedback or have a complaint about Happiful, coaching, and holistic therapy.
please email us at feedback@happiful.com. We do not accept
liability for products and/or services offered by third parties.
Professor Green gets real with gut health
An in-depth guide to therapeutic writing
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 ENVIRONMENT

You can now gift

a tree, and even
watch it grow
We’re all trying to be a bit more aware
of the world around us, and the ways
that we’re able to make a difference to
tackle global climate change. That said,
so often we adopt different habits to try to
help out, but we’re not always sure of the
effect that these actions could be having
– until now.
With the aim of helping people
understand how they can help the world
around them, Treedom is a platform
where you can buy a tree remotely, watch
it grow from a sapling to a fully-grown
tree, and see how much CO2 has been
off-set by your contribution.
Supporters are able to pick their own
tree variety – choosing from native
varieties as well as fruit trees, from
mango to avocado, coffee and banana.
The journey is then documented
with images and geo-tags, that allow
supporters to watch while their
contribution flourishes.
And the programme is making a real
difference, with 1.5 million trees planted
across 17 different countries so far.
Beyond that, by working closely with
local NGOs and smallholder farmers,
Treedom’s trees bring both environmental
and social benefits, leading them to
estimate that they have changed the lives

The Uplift
of more than 88,000 farmers.
Kindness doesn’t just grow on trees,
but with a little bit of imagination, and a
dollop of determination, projects like this
are changing the world, one act at a time.
Find out more by visiting treedom.net
Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

LGBTQ+
Captain Sir Tom Moore joins the
rainbow laces campaign
He’s without a doubt one of the
standout heroes of 2020, and now
Captain Sir Tom Moore – who
came to national attention after
he raised more than £32 million
for NHS Charities Together when
he walked 100 lengths of his
garden – is joining a plethora of
famous faces for the #AFanIsAFan
campaign.
Organised by LGBTQ+ charity
Stonewall, and supported by
Barclays, the rainbow laces
campaign is now in its fifth
consecutive year, with close to
one million people buying laces
and, by wearing them, pledging to
support LGBTQ+ equality in sport.
In a poll, Stonewall found that
65% of British people believe that
it’s important that anti-LGBTQ+
language and abuse at live
sporting events is challenged, and
yet despite this 43% of LGBTQ+
people think that public sport is
not welcoming to them.
There’s clearly more work
to be done before we can get
to a place where sport feels
welcoming and accessible to all,
but the #AFanIsAFan campaign,
supported by Captain Sir Tom
Moore, Joe Wicks, Chris Moyles,
Sara Cox, Vicky McClure, and
more, is a rainbow-laced step in
the right direction.
Find out more by visiting
stonewall.org.uk and searching
‘rainbow laces’.
Writing | Kathryn Wheeler
WELLBEING
Gen Z are
shunning fad diets
Gone are the days when a Pot
Noodle and a beer classed as
dinner, as new research says that
Generation Z – the generation
born between 1997 and 2010 – is
more likely to be taking care of
their health, prioritising sleep, and
turning their backs on fad diets.
New research commissioned
by global wellness brand Swisse
Me revealed that a huge 95% of
18- to 24-year-olds are dedicated
to taking vitamins, with 76%
shunning fad diets in favour of
healthy, sustainable practices.
Following a generation that
has a party reputation (the 90s is
known for its rave culture), Gen
Zs are breaking with tradition.
Results reveal that 73% of survey
participants think diet and mental
health has a direct impact on
health and wellness.
And the days of sleepless nights
and living on a few hours’ kip are
firmly behind us. Half of Gen Z
report mastering the art of getting
eight hours’ sleep each night.
With a look to the future, Gen
Zs confidently believe that they
are far healthier than previous
generations. Growing up in an
era of social media and with toxic
information at their fingertips,
the latest research is welcome
news, as we see a collective
shift in our mindsets towards
positively rebuffing diet culture,
and redefining what good health
means. Writing | Katie Hoare
happiful.com | February 2021 | 9
WORK

Could working from

bed benefit our
mental health?
It’s something that many might
have flirted with in lockdown, and
a skill students have been honing
for a while, but did you ever stop
to think about how working from
your bed could affect your psyche?
In light of the survey by uSwitch
that found that 25% of Brits had
tried working from their bed,
mattress brand OTTY Sleep has
been investigating whether ‘WFB’
(work from bed) is really as bad
for us as we’ve been warned, and
reached out to counsellor Kerry
Quigley for more insight.
“Working from the comfort
of your bed can feel like a safe
calming space, particularly when
anxiety is an issue,” says Kerry.
“It can eliminate stressors such
as commuting, distractions, and
workplace politics. The removal
of these stressors enables better
time management, increasing
productivity and job satisfaction.”
Of course, it’s important to set
boundaries between your home
and work-life, and your bed might
not have the same ergonomic
qualities as your desk chair – so
make sure you avoid slouching.
But for those who find the comfort
of being in familiar surroundings
soothing for their mental health,
be assured that there’s nothing
wrong with swapping corporate
for cosy every now and then.
Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

happiful.com | February 2021 | 11

 Take 5
How d
id
do? Se you
a
'freebi rch
shop.h es' at
Thinking caps at the ready! Carve out some quiet time and appifu
to find l.c
the an om
put your brain to the test with this month’s puzzling fun and m swers,
ore!

Kakuros
Complete the grids below so that the numbers in each row and column add
up to the totals at the edge. You can use the digits one to nine, but remember
each number can only be used once in a sum!

Expert
Beginner

3 41
10 3
9
3

10
10
6 18 9 20
7 16
Intermediate

9 8
11 30 4 12 10
9 10 6

13 21 16
16 13
21 15

18 5

Anagrams 1. Scampi soon

2. Desks inn
Unscramble the letters to
3. Spa ions
reveal the secret words.
4. Ant let
HINT: Qualities more important
than what we look like 5. Free humus soon
 The
wellbeing
wrap
Walk it out
It’s well-known that
nature can do wonders
for our wellbeing but, more
specifically, the Mental Health
Tampon tax was Packet in NEED TO FOCUS? Foundation found that 62% of UK
officially (finally) Miley Porritt, a former adults believe taking a walk reduced
THANKS TO A VIRAL
scrapped in the rough sleeper, is making stress caused by Covid-19. Almost
UK on 1 January!
TIKTOK VIDEO, IT’S half of respondents also said that
innovative blankets for BEEN REVEALED
About bloody spending time in green spaces
time. homeless people by THAT THE BEST helped them to cope with
ironing together used anxiety related to the
SONG TO STUDY TO
crisp packets. The foil pandemic. Time to
IS THE MARIO KART
blankets help to preserve lace up?
heat in sleeping bags, SOUNDTRACK. IT’S
Scotland has protecting those facing DESIGNED TO KEEP Swipe right
taken things a the harsh winter outside. YOU ABSORBED IN The dating scene has certainly
step further, as Now that’s a real life ‘Iron THE GAME – GREAT changed a lot in the past year,
the first nation to with those initial online chats more
Man’ hero. FOR YOUR MEMORY.
make sanitary
products free! crucial than ever, and Tinder’s
NERVOUS ABOUT NEEDLES? annual Year in Swipe report has
We have good news. A recent study in the journal provided a glimpse into how the
Emotion suggests smiling or grimacing could language of love has evolved.
reduce pain when receiving an injection. While the Trending topics included the NHS,
two expressions might seem like polar opposites, Black Lives Matter, Megxit, and
the facial muscles involved are similar. Those with TikTok. Plus chat-up lines took a
A record-breaking
genuine smiles (wrinkles around the eyes and the
corners of the mouth rising) and people grimacing very relevant turn with creative
500,000 people amourous attempts such as
signed up for experienced 40% less needle pain, than those with
Veganuary neutral expressions. It seems it’s worth showing “Wash your hands so you can
this year. how you feel, even when facing your fears. hold mine,” and bios focused on
keeping Covid-safe: “If your mask
Fancy a cuppa? is around your chin IDFWU.”
Scientists have finally settled the age-old
debate over how to make a proper brew. WE REALLY SHOULD LET
Research from Loughborough University SLEEPING DOGS LIE - IN
has confirmed the correct way to make a cuppa is by OUR BEDS, THAT IS. RECENT
England and putting the milk in first! This is due to the milk heating RESEARCH FOUND WOOFERS
Brazil confirm unevenly when poured into the hot water, which OFFER MORE SECURITY,
equal pay for results in lost flavour. Of course, if you’re a milk last COMFORT AND LESS
men’s and kind of person, you do you. The main thing is to enjoy DISRUPTION THAN OTHER
women’s national
football teams.
a regular relaxing tea break. And that’s the tea. HUMANS. SNUGGLE UP!

WE MAY WANT TO MAKE A laugh a minute...

THE MOST OF OUR ONE Quite literally. A recent study by OnBuy.com has
OUTDOOR EXERCISE A revealed the funniest British sitcom of all time, and you
DAY, BUT KEEP IT CLEAN! don’t have to “turn it off and on again” to find out the
Two ‘hugging’ SHOWERSTOYOU.CO.UK results. The IT Crowd came out on top with 1 minute 44
widowed
penguins DISCOVERED THAT 31% OF seconds of laughter per hour, followed closely by Peep
enjoying a view PEOPLE WEAR THE SAME Show, and The Inbetweeners. There’s never been a
of Melbourne GYM CLOTHES FOR UP TO time when we’ve needed a good laugh more, so if
won the Best you want a show to binge to cheer you up these
Photo of 2020.
FOUR WORKOUTS BEFORE
WASHING THEM. three British classics could be a great place to start.
 What is
Niksen?
We explore the Dutch concept
that embraces the true art of
doing nothing, on purpose...

Writing | Katie Hoare

W
e’re so accustomed to
defining our worth by
how busy we are that
the art of relaxation
has been lost for many of us.
But while this idea of ‘free time’
might not be familiar territory, it’s
essential ground to cover. This is
niksen, the lifestyle concept of doing
nothing, and doing it on purpose.

What is niksen?
The idea of ‘doing nothing’ (the
literal translation of niksen) might
not sound like anything new, but
it’s the intentional part of the act
that’s so important. It’s a way of life
that puts time for, and dedication
to, yourself at the top of the agenda.
And it isn’t just another costly
wellness trend.
“I realised that people were fed up
with wellness trends telling them
they weren’t doing enough, and
should work harder at improving
themselves,” writes Olga Mecking,
author of Niksen: Embracing the
Dutch art of doing nothing. “This

14 | February 2021 | happiful.com


Time alone, to press pause and simply let
thoughts pass you by, can induce feelings of
relaxation, creativity, and cognitive clarity
is actually one of the reasons
people relate to the concept. It’s
the easiest kind of wellness you
could possibly imagine.”
Olga explains that to truly
understand niksen, you have
to unpick your perception of
‘nothing’. “It’s time we start
calling a spade a spade, and
niksen niksen. If we are browsing
Facebook or chilling out with
Netflix, let’s call those what they
are and not say we’re ‘doing
nothing’.”
Getting started
Niksen, at first, is trial and error.
It takes time to build up your
ability to be comfortable with
doing nothing. You could try
watching the world go by through
the window for 10 minutes,
lying on your bed staring at the
ceiling or, my personal favourite,
watching your cats play together
for a few moments. To niks (do
nothing) can take any form that
suits you and for however long
you feel comfortable with.
Once you’ve managed 10
minutes, try working up towards
an hour. If that’s too much all
in one go, look for little pockets
of niksen-time at work. Instead
of gulping down a sandwich at
your desk, take five minutes on
a bench outside, simply sitting
and letting thoughts come and
go as they please. Nisken is about
rebalancing all areas of your life.
Why should I
embrace niksen?
In Happiful’s 2020 survey on
stress, 73% of respondents said
they were worried about their
mental health and wellbeing,
with 68% sharing that they’ve
been extremely stressed since
September 2020. We know that
stress is a driver in many health
conditions, particularly as we
accelerate in the modern world.
“If left unchecked, chronic
and excessive levels of stress
(which are often work-related)
can accumulate to the point of
burnout,” says counsellor Laurele
Mitchell. “Burnout can be
characterised as feeling drained
and exhausted – both physically
and emotionally – lacking in
motivation, feeling increasingly
negative and overwhelmed,
and, on occasion, helpless and
hopeless. Having been going at
100mph for so long, it’s as if we
abruptly, and often unexpectedly,
run out of gas, rendering us
incapable of keeping up and
meeting never-ending demands.”
You don’t have to accept that
chronic stress is the way of life:
niksen can be a way of life, too.
refill your cup
Finding balance
Laurele suggests that one of
the key benefits of niksen is in
enabling the body to rebalance
into the ‘rest and digest’ phase,
which can be helpful when
recovering from burnout. “By
allowing ourselves to slow
down, to do nothing more than
stare into space and simply be
for a moment, we afford our
frazzled minds and bodies
some much-needed respite
from the hamster’s wheel of
constantly and unrelentingly
striving for achievement and
productivity. Thus allowing our
parasympathetic nervous system
to work its magic, bringing us
back into balance, and restoring
at least a modicum of calm.
“Allowing our minds to simply
wander can actually foster
creativity, enhance problem-
solving, and boost productivity.
So it seems that doing nothing is
indeed time well spent!”
Time alone, to press pause and
simply let thoughts pass you by,
can induce feelings of relaxation,
creativity, and cognitive clarity.
It’s time to do more niks, on
purpose.
Laurele Mitchell is a senior accredited
person-centred counsellor,
specialising in childhood trauma and
relationship issues. Find out more
and get in touch with Laurele via
counselling-directory.org.uk
happiful.com | February 2021 | 15
 How R
ecently, I got around to
watching Pixar’s Inside Out,
(and what
memories
an animation depicting the
emotions and inner workings of
happens if the mind of an 11-year-old girl

shape us they go) as her family moves to a new

city. In the film, we see a fun
interpretation of how memories
are formed, charged with
emotion, and stored away, with
What is it that makes us, us? Here we explore the unimportant memories being
role our memories play – and what happens tossed aside by cute, jelly bean-
shaped mind workers.
when they’re taken from us While this representation is
simplified (and sadly there are
Writing | Kat Nicholls no jelly bean workers), it got me

16 | February 2021 | happiful.com


thinking about memories and
how they shape us. A lot of people
see memory as an important part
of who we are, with philosopher
John Locke being one of the first
to suggest that memory forms
the foundation of our identity.
And this idea makes sense. After
all, our experiences make us
who we are, right? Well, as I’ve
discovered, not necessarily.
If this was truly the case, what
happens to those who lose their
memory? Does their identity
simply vanish along with the
memories?
What can affect our memory?
To explore this idea it’s helpful
to first think about memory
itself, and how it can be affected.
Unlike in Inside Out, our
memories are not shiny orbs
that can be stored neatly away,
they are lots of different and
distinct recollections, sprawling
throughout our brain. Our
long-term memories do indeed
have a physical presence in the
brain, with similar memories
often clumping together. It’s also
generally accepted that emotion
has an effect on memory – in
some cases, it makes an event
more memorable, but it can have
the opposite effect and lead to
memory loss.
Grief, for example, can
disintegrate memories.
Studies have shown that those
experiencing “complicated
grief” (when feelings of grief
don’t ease over time) can find it
difficult to recall memories that
don’t involve the loved one who’s
passed, while for others the
trauma of the experience plays
a role. After her mother died,
Callsuma Ali became her father’s
primary carer for seven years
but, after his death earlier this
year, Callsuma’s memory of this
time has faded.
“I only remember the last three
years clearly, as I have pictures
and videos, but the seven years I
was at home with him after my
mum passed is a blur,” Callsuma
says. “I’ve been told I put in
place most of his care, took him
to hospital appointments, and
helped manage his dementia,
but I really can’t remember.”
find your balance
Trauma is often linked to
memory loss. Lorraine Matthews
didn’t become aware of her
missing memories until she had
a flashback during therapy where
she realised she’d been abused by
her father.
“One of the most difficult
things was that I didn’t have a
narrative memory to go with the
knowledge,” Lorraine explains.
“I still don’t, even though
subsequent events have proved
that I was right.”
For Lorraine, this trauma
formed a crack and she was
diagnosed with dissociative
identity disorder in 2016. This
has, understandably, made the
connection between memory and
identity complicated.
“My personality is split by the
trauma. I have ‘parts’,” Lorraine
says. “So, the part I think of
most as ‘me’ is an adult part of
the personality. The one who
is unaware of the trauma on a
narrative level and is able to cope
with everyday life.
“Then there are the parts of my
personality that hold the trauma
memories. Parts that are terrified,
unaware that we are now safe. For
me, these parts are around all the
time, but I’m often only aware of
them if something triggers me.”
Dementia, and especially
Alzheimer’s disease, are other
conditions associated with
memory loss. This can be
devastating to the person living
with the condition, and those
around them. The way memories
shift and slip depends on the
diagnosis, and how progressed
the disease is. >>>
happiful.com | February 2021 | 17

Some events, regardless of our memory
of them, can score a deep line in the
book of our lives
Then we have brain injury,
a memory thief that comes
unannounced and typically
follows an accident where the
brain has been damaged. Again,
the way this affects memory will
differ from person to person,
with some people losing past
memories, while others are
unable to form new ones.
How does memory loss
impact identity?
As you may expect, there are no
clear cut answers here, and the
truth is that it will depend on the
person who’s experienced the
memory loss. When Claire fell
off her bike in 2014, she went
into a coma and experienced
memory loss. She believes we
are who we are despite absent
memories, and that, even when
they’re not remembered, events
and emotions can still impact us
as people.
“I don’t remember much of my
life when I was rehabilitating – it
18 | February 2021 | happiful.com
feels far removed from who I am
now, and who I was before the
injury,” says Claire. “But I believe
it’s impact on my life does form
a part of my identity. It made
me a little bit more resourceful,
resilient, dependent on God, and
content with less.”
Some events, regardless of our
memory of them, can score a
deep line in the book of our lives.
For some, a helpful approach
is to simply turn the page and
move forward. At Headway East
London, a charity supporting
those with brain injuries, the
community has been set up
to rely less on previous life
narratives. Occupational therapist
at Headway, Laura Jacobs,
explains: “I have learned to
focus on the other ways in which
our identities can be formed or
shaped. In Headway, members’
identities are located in the
future, rather than their past.
“There is always something
being created – a project, piece
of art, performance, or lunch
to plan for, and members are
transformed into actors in times
where the identity is located in
the present and the future.”
Laura also notes that our sense
of self relies on our roles and
how we relate to others. “We are
all daughters and sons, maybe
parents or siblings, pet owners,
and friends. These are huge
roles and we could do better to
cultivate them! I now actively look
for other ways that identity can
be developed which don’t rely on
memory, but rather on something
that connects us to the here
and now. Whether this involves
creating something, or a way of
connecting with someone.”
Counselling psychologist
Rebecca Corney explains that
alongside our roles, our moral
traits can also hold significance,
with research indicating that
moral identity is of more
importance than memory in
preserving a sense of self in
dementia.
“Our moral traits, including
our empathy, compassion, and
our value systems, are relatively
preserved in Alzheimer’s
disease, and say more about us
than our memories.”
Who we are, then, cannot be
limited to the memories we
hold. Certain experiences will
no doubt affect our identity, but
it isn’t necessarily the memory
of these events that defines
us, but our reaction to them.
Our identity is a tapestry, with
different strands braiding
together to make us, us.
 I now actively
look for other
ways that identity
can be developed
which don’t rely on
memory, but rather
on something that
connects us to the
here and now
Making adjustments
If you’ve experienced memory
loss, you may feel a shift in
your identity, but there are
adjustments you can make to
help you cope. Laura Jacobs,
from Headway, recommends
focusing on things that are less
dependent on your past life
narrative to define identity.
“This may be creating a new
role – such as an artist, cook,
or volunteer, or learning a new
skill. Keeping your gaze to the
current moment rather than
the past can also really help
with feeling grounded. I highly
recommend meditation or
mindfulness activities which
bring you back to your body and
the moment.”
Counselling psychologist
Rebecca Corney also highlights
the power of talking therapies.
“Psychology has much to offer
people living with memory
problems, whether this is
support for relatives or the
person themselves. For people
living with dementia, there are
some interventions available
on the NHS, such as cognitive
stimulation therapy, to help
maintain and improve cognition
and memory.”
A common thread that weaves
itself through any advice in regard
to memory loss (whether you’re
the one affected or someone you
love) is to be patient. Understand
that things may work differently
and may take more time than
before. Surround yourself with
support, get professional advice,
and know that who you are will
always run deeper than memory.
Rebecca Corney is a counselling
psychologist, who specialises in
working with older adults and
their families, as well as offering
supervision and training to
colleagues. Learn more
about Rebecca and find a
counsellor to support you at
counselling-directory.org.uk
Read more personal experiences of
brain injury at whoareyounow.org
happiful.com | February 2021 | 19
 Five benefits of

mindful cooking
Stuck in a food rut, cooking the same old meals over and
over again? Here, mindfulness teacher Adamantia Velonis
explains how to put wellbeing firmly on the menu
Writing | Adamantia Velonis Illustrating | Rosan Magar

Y
ou may have heard
of ‘mindful eating’
– taking the time to
tune-in to the smells,
flavours, and textures of our
food – but have you considered
starting the process before you
plate-up? In ‘mindful cooking’
an awareness of the ‘here and
now’ is cultivated at all stages
of cooking: from selecting
ingredients, to preparing a meal,
and even being deliberate about
how you spend your time while
waiting for various elements
to be ‘done.’ But, like mindful
eating, mindful cooking can help
us develop a deeper relationship
with ourselves – here’s how…
1. IT CAN HELP YOU MANAGE
DIFFICULT EMOTIONS, SUCH AS
ANXIETY OR STRESS
Cooking is deeply immersive,
as all our senses are stimulated
simultaneously – from texture, to
taste, sound, temperature, visual
cues, and the many aromas. By
distracting us from unproductive
thoughts, and providing feelings
of control or mastery, cooking
can support stress management.
It provides a ‘pause’. We have challenges us, or we might make
to focus on the task at hand, a favourite meal with a loved
and this can help to shift our one during the week to connect
mindset when we return to the through a shared activity.
problem we are facing later. The
methodical nature of cooking 3. IT IMPROVES OUR
reminds us of the importance MENTAL FOCUS
of breaking tasks down into We are constantly distracted
smaller parts, so that they feel by our devices and the digital
less overwhelming. Mindful environment. But, by bringing
cooking gives us the space to see mindfulness to the cooking
the lessons in the process, so that process, we can train our
they can be applied to challenges awareness. We can be deliberate
outside of the kitchen, too. about creating a calm, distraction-
free environment before cooking
2. IT'S AN ACCESSIBLE FORM – leave your phone in the other
OF SELF-CARE
Self-care is any activity that we
do to specifically look after our
wellbeing – whether physical,
emotional, or mental. It’s an
activity that we enjoy and can
keep coming back to because it
‘revitalises’ us. Mindful cooking
is an easy way to schedule in
some essential self-care because
we all need to eat. Over the
weekend, we might
block out some alone
time in the kitchen
to try our hand at
a technique that

20 | February 2021 | happiful.com


room, try using physical cookbooks,
or turning off notifications if you’re
using an online recipe. Think about
how you are going to manage your
time if it’s a more involved recipe,
and develop a ‘game plan’. This will
make it easier to remain focused
once you start, and you will be less
likely to be interrupted.
4. IT HELPS TO DEVELOP
PERSONAL CONFIDENCE
There is an art to following a recipe
and mastering the fundamentals.
But, beyond that, a recipe is merely
a guide. Taste isn’t objective, and
it is deeply linked to our personal
memories and early experiences.
Mindful cooking helps you to
develop an awareness of your palate
and have the confidence to express
it. Seen in this light, cooking is an
opportunity to be creative in daily
life, to use our instincts to judge
when something is ‘done’, and to be
attentive to the ingredients we’re
feel-good food
using. Feeling confident about extend this feeling of warmth
knowing when you can improvise to other aspects of our lives.
in the kitchen can help you to apply Seeing cooking as an opportunity
creative problem-solving to to extend your mindfulness
other areas of your life. practise, can turn cooking from
being purely functional to a self-
5. IT HELPS YOU CONNECT development journey.
WITH LOVED ONES OR YOUR
COMMUNITY Adamantia Velonis is a certified
Cooking ignites the senses, mindfulness teacher and founder of
especially smell. Interestingly, our marmaladeandkindness.com
sense of smell is deeply connected
to our involuntary memory.
This is why we often turn to
our favourite comfort
foods, because making
a meal that we associate with
a positive time in our lives
can help us access those
feelings in the present. Be
aware of this emotional aspect
of food and prepare recipes
that are meaningful to you. For
example, a favourite childhood
meal or a dish made as part of
cultural celebrations. Setting a
loving intention before
we cook encourages us to
Head to
p40 for
recipe
inspo
happiful.com | February 2021 | 21
 “
Sometimes, the smallest
things take up the most
room in your heart
A A MILNE, WINNIE THE POOH
Photography | Chi Nguyen Phung

22 | February 2021 | happiful.com

 find your balance

Reconnect with
your true self
Ever feel disconnected from your true self? Use these five
prompts to evaluate your needs, desires, and the things that
drive you – so that you can take the next step with confidence
Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

T
hroughout our lives,
we inevitably go
through periods of
feeling a bit lost,
with a weaker sense
of who we are and what we
want. This might be following
an important transition in our
lives – for example, the birth of a
child, or the start of a new career
– and it can begin to unsettle our
relationships with ourselves, as
well as others.
“Getting to know yourself
is not easy, but definitely a
journey full of benefits that
are well worth exploring,”
says Ayesha Giselle, a life and
accountability coach. “Your
self-awareness will allow you
to understand your abilities,
strengths, weaknesses,
your likes and dislikes, your
boundaries, triggers, and
values – and it will help you to
show up more confidently and
authentically, supporting you to
become a person you like, love,
and enjoy.”
As a new year begins, to
help you start a dialogue with
yourself to evaluate your
wants, needs, and values, we’ve
collected together five key
questions to ask, so that you can
get to know yourself better.
1. If I had to describe
myself in one word, what
would it be?
Kind, ambitious, funny,
confident, generous,
adventurous, intuitive? It may
seem like a big challenge to
sum yourself up in just one
word, but getting there will
help you discover a key quality
that you’re able to identify in
yourself.
If you find the challenge
difficult, whether that’s because
you can think of too many
things, or you find it hard to
decide the one, reflect on why
that might be. >>>

happiful.com | February 2021 | 23

 You might struggle with your
focus, or maybe you haven’t
stopped to think about your
characteristics like this before.
Whatever you might conclude,
acknowledge the process and
evaluate what it can teach you.

2. Where do I want to be in
one week, one month, and a
year’s time?
A goal of any sort, whether big or
small, can help to set our focus.
And we don’t have to tackle it all
at once. By this time next week, is
there something that you would
like to achieve? Perhaps it’s to
spend an evening dedicated to Our goals are personal to us, 3. What is my happiest
self-care, or to finish reading and so often they exist only in memory?
your book. the abstract. Take some time To look forwards, it can help to
In a month, you might want to out to jot down what you want look back. Think back to a time
have learned a new skill, or spent to achieve, and then take a when you were really happy. It
some time with someone special look over what you have come might be from your childhood,
to you. And then in a year, maybe up with, to see what it can tell or even last month! What was it
you want to be somewhere else you about what you need to about this memory that makes it
in your career, or have finally prioritise, and what might be so happy?
got round to that big experience preventing you from moving Would that same thing make
you’ve been dreaming of. towards these goals. you feel just as happy today –

24 | February 2021 | happiful.com


To look forwards, sometimes
it can help to look back
would you still respond in the
same way? This question can
both show us how our needs
evolve over time, and remind
us of our core values, likes, and
dislikes.
4. What am I like when
I’m alone?
Whether it’s in the workplace or
at social gatherings, we all have
to adapt the way that we present
ourselves throughout the day.
It’s a natural thing to do, and
it’s part of understanding social
situations and getting on with
other people.
Keen to explore But at the end of the day, when
yourself more? you’re on your own, what are you
like? What’s your focus, or your
Here are some default mood? What activities do
self-awareness activities you find yourself drawn to? What
you could try: music do you listen to, or films
• Reconnect with nature do you watch? Reflect on this
• Mindful meditation question and, if you find it hard to
• Breathing exercises answer, perhaps try to schedule
• Daily journaling in some alone time, so you can
concentrate on tuning-in.
find your balance
5. What really matters to me?
What things make your heart
sing, or your blood boil?
You might be very passionate
about a particular cause – if so,
take some time to think about
what it is about that cause that
matters so much to you. It may be
your job, or your friends, or your
family. It could be a hobby, or
volunteer work. Or it might even
be the dream that you’re still set
on chasing.
When we understand what’s
driving us forward, it’s easier
to take the next step with
confidence.
Ayesha Giselle is a life and
accountability coach working with
change-seekers. Find out more by
visiting lifecoach-directory.org.uk
happiful.com | February 2021 | 25
 Creative
expression
If voicing your thoughts and emotions out loud feels intimidating, why not
try therapeutic writing, which could do wonders for your mental health?
T
here are many ways
that the arts can
guide us through
difficult times – one
of which is through
therapeutic writing. You don’t
need an English degree, to be the
next Shakespeare, or even be a
regular writer to try it. The goal is
not to have a beautifully written
end product. Instead, it’s more
about the process, and what you
get out of it, that’s important.
So what is therapeutic writing?
It’s essentially putting pen to
paper to help the writer deal with
difficult emotions and events.
The act of writing is a cathartic
experience, which can help you
learn to express feelings that you
might not necessarily be able
26 | February 2021 | happiful.com
Writing | Katie Conibear
to speak out loud. What’s more,
therapeutic writing can give you
a sense of empowerment and
control over difficult life events
and feelings.
“Writing, in a similar way
to talking to a therapist, can
help when we’re feeling low
or anxious by enabling us to
order our thoughts,” counsellor
and psychotherapist Lucy
Fuller says, explaining how
writing can support our mental
wellbeing. “Our agitated minds
can focus on one particular
area of difficulty, and then
go in all sorts of directions,
catastrophising and analysing
events and interactions, making
our heads almost burst with a
noisy confusion of thoughts.
Writing down your thoughts is a
way of ordering and organising
the busyness in our minds and,
by getting the thinking ‘outside of
your head’, you have effectively
released some of the pressure.”
Therapeutic writing can
give meaning to your life
experiences, and even help
you to view them from a new,
healthier perspective. It can
lead to revelations and insights
about yourself and your life,
which might not have been
possible without setting aside
introspective writing time.
This all sounds great, but
what do you do when this type
of writing brings up difficult
emotions and experiences? I
asked Lucy Fuller for her advice.

“Feeling and experiencing
the pent up emotions we hold
inside our minds and bodies can
be very difficult, but in many
ways this is a necessary part of
coming to terms with whatever
is it that’s making us feel this way
and, by allowing ourselves to
express them, we are effectively
alleviating the uncomfortable
pressure of holding them inside
ourselves. If your emotions are
overwhelming, make sure you
can get in contact with someone
who can support you, and
reassure you that it is OK to feel
this way.”
Therapeutic writing has been
shown to benefit people living
with mental illnesses, those
dealing with grief and loss, with
low self-esteem, or people going
through relationship issues.
Writing also has a multitude
of other benefits, such as
improving your memory, and
helping you relax at the end of
the day.
refill your cup
The goal is not to have a
beautifully written end
product. Instead, it’s more
about the process, and
what you get out of it
How to get started
Choose a format that works for
you – it could be an online blog,
or just a classic notebook and
pen. Ensure you allocate time
each day to writing, to get into
the habit, and find a place where
you feel comfortable and secure,
where you’re able to sit down
and focus.
Once you’re comfortable with
your surroundings, think about
what you want to write about and
reflect on it by closing your eyes, >>>
happiful.com | February 2021 | 27
 taking some deep breaths, and
focusing. Remember that when
you’re ready to write, there’s no
judgment. Use your own voice,
and write as if no one else will
read it – this will help your
writing to be more authentic.
And finally, go at your own pace;
it’s fine if you write a few words,
or several pages.
Staring at a blank page can
feel daunting. So to help you get
started, here are a few handy
prompts:
1. Make a timeline of events
that have impacted your mental
health. This can give you
experiences you can begin to
explore through writing.
2. Write about your life right
now, in this moment. Thinking
about your emotions in the
here and now can help you
understand yourself better, and
what you need.
3. Spend five to 10 minutes
writing in a stream of
consciousness. That includes
writing down whatever comes to
mind, without overthinking or
analysing your thoughts. It might
reveal what’s at the forefront of
your mind – and what you need
to explore.
28 | February 2021 | happiful.com
4. Try writing letters. They can
be to yourself – either you right
now, or your past or future self.
Write letters to people that are
in, or you used to be in, your life.
Write down everything you’ve
ever wanted to say, but felt like
you couldn’t.
5. If there’s an event you’re
worried about, try writing about
it in the third person. This makes
it less personal, and you can
detach yourself from it. This can
help you see the situation more
clearly, and hopefully from a
different perspective.
6. Use sentence stems – these are
the beginnings of a sentence that
act as writing prompts. It could
be: “The elephant in the room
is…”; “I have trouble sleeping
when…”; “The thing I am most
anxious about is…”
When you’ve finished writing,
it’s important to read and reflect
on what you’ve written, to truly
understand your words. This
reflection is where you may
discover new insights, have a
better understanding of your
thoughts and emotions, and
hopefully move forward from
difficult experiences. What you
do with what you’ve written is
your choice; you could keep it,
Staying safe:
• Therapeutic writing can
bring up difficult emotions.
Talking this through with
someone you trust may help
you deal with these.
• It’s important to find support
if you’re struggling. If
you’re very unwell ensure
you speak to your GP or a
mental health professional.
• You may want to try
therapeutic writing with the
support of a therapist – to
help guide you through what
you discover.
never look at it again, or even
rip it up and throw it away. Do
whatever feels right to you!
Katie Conibear is a writer who
blogs at stumblingmind.com. Her
first book, ‘Living at the Speed of
Light’, about bipolar disorder, is
due out in March 2021.
Lucy Fuller is a counsellor and
psychotherapist. You can find
out more about her work and
get in touch with her on
counselling-directory.org.uk
 try this at home

Essential decluttering tips

A good clear-out is often overdue, yet also overwhelming. But thanks to these
five simple tips, you can make the task much more manageable

Put a timer on it Visualise the space Make it mindful

While some people love a
session of deep-cleaning, if
you’re not a fan make it more
manageable with small bursts of
dedicated time. Set a 15-minute
timer, and really commit to the
clean – no distractions, and
give it your all. When the alarm
sounds, you’re free to stop, job
done. Or crack on for another 15
if you fancy it. The choice is yours.
Picture how you want your
cluttered room to look. Focus
on the furniture, the decorative
items, as well as the bits and
pieces that have made their
way here but maybe don’t
belong. Once you’ve got an
idea in mind of how you ideally
would keep the space, it’s much
easier to see what you need to
remove, rehome, or recycle.
Cleaning up can be much more
appealing if you change your
perspective. Rather than viewing
it as a chore, see it as self-care.
Taking the time to make your
home a comforting space creates
a positive environment for your
mental health. Plus, by focusing
on each task, and being present
in the moment, you can add
some mindfulness to your day.

Declutter, with no hang ups...

Want to clear out your wardrobe,
but find it hard to part with clothes
– best to keep it, just in case right?
We’ve all been there, but try this
tip: have your hangers all facing
the same direction. Every time you
wear something, flip the hanger
when it goes back in. After six
months (or whatever time you
decide), have a look through, and
bag up for the charity shop those
clothes not getting your attention.

Focus on five
Short on time? Pick just five
things you need to put away, or
clear out. A little goes a long way,
and if you keep this up every day,
you’ll have achieved a lot by the
end of the week!

happiful.com | February 2021 | 29

Ask the experts
Complementary therapist Louis Oliver-Brooke
answers your questions on crystal healing
Read more about Louis on therapy-directory.org.uk
Q
What exactly is
crystal healing,
and how it can help?
A Crystal healing is a holistic,
non-invasive, vibrational
energy-based system of healing.
It works on the premise that we
all vibrate at a certain frequency,
and when the body is out of
balance, this frequency also
becomes out of balance.
Q
I’m looking to buy
some crystals –
which ones would
you recommend for a
beginner?
A When starting out with
crystal healing, there is no
real definitive answer to which
ones you should start with. See
which ones you are drawn to,
and choose those. When you first
hold a crystal you will know if it’s
right for you as your vibration
Therapy Directory is part of the Happiful Family | Helping you find the help you need
Each crystal also vibrates at
different frequencies and, when
used on the body, these crystals
absorb, focus, direct, and
diffuse energy as they interact
with the electromagnetic forces
and subtle vibrations within
the human or environmental
energy field, restoring the
body to a normal vibration.
Crystal healing can be a really
beneficial complementary
therapy that can help with
and the vibration of the crystal
will match, the crystal may tingle
in your hand, heat up, or feel
heavy. These are all signs that
that crystal is meant for you.
Crystals such as clear quartz,
amethyst, rose quartz, and
hematite, are all great crystals
to initially explore. Or, a chakra
crystal set – seven crystals that
correspond to the seven major
chakras of the body – would be
a good place to start. If you are
drawn to a particular crystal, you
probably need it.
many ailments, including balance,
easing stress and anxiety, as well
as spiritual healing.
Top tips for those looking
to start their crystal
healing journey:
Be open to every experience,
no matter how subtle it is.
There are signs everywhere just
wanting to be seen, and you
have to be open to see them.
Be realistic, you are not
going to be able to learn the
properties of every single
crystal in the world. Don’t be
disheartened if you have to use
a reference book to look up a
particular crystal, it's all part of
the learning.
Most importantly, follow your
intuition. It is there to guide
you and, if it feels right, then
chances are it is right.
 wellbeing

Q
I’ve heard you need
to cleanse crystals.
Why is this, and
how can I do it?

A Yes, it is particularly
important to cleanse
crystals both when you first get
them, and after each time you
use them. Crystals absorb the
energy of their surroundings,
and the people who use them
– including negative energy.
Cleansing them will remove
this energy, and restore the
crystal to its original healing
vibration.
There are many ways of
cleansing crystals. You can
run them under water, either
the tap or in a free-flowing
stream. This method is not
for all crystals, as some can
dissolve in water (selenite, for
example).
You can also leave them
outside in the light of the full
moon, pass them through
cleansing incense (such as
dragon’s blood) or, if you are
Reiki practitioner, use Reiki to
cleanse them. Find the way
that’s best suited to you, but
ensure you do it with all new
crystals, and after each use.
 5 ways I’ve found
me again since
becoming a mum
Becoming a parent is life-changing in many ways, but with much of your baby’s
first years centred on their development and milestones, some new mums
can lose their own identity in the process. Outside of the nappy changes, baby
classes, and lullabies, how can new mums connect with themselves again?
Writing | Jenna Farmer

I
’ll be honest: the moment
I found out I was
pregnant, I was terrified.
There was no doubt that
I wanted to become a parent (I’d
even had fertility treatments
in the past), but I was petrified
at how life would never be the
same again.
My son arrived in May 2019
and, at first, I was so completely
wrapped up in bonding with
him that work, friends, and
hobbies didn’t seem to matter
as much. But a few months on,
with sleep deprivation in full
swing, my feelings of awe gave
way to ones of resentment and
loneliness.
My husband’s life had seemingly
gone back to normal after two
weeks of paternity leave, but I
didn’t even recognise myself in
the mirror. Not only did I look
physically different, but my life
had completely changed, too. I felt
like everything that had defined
me – my work, my friends, my
hobbies – had gone, and the only
role I had was to be a mother. And
don’t get me started on baby brain;
I thought it was just the punchline
to a joke, but I struggled to get out
of the house most days without
leaving something behind.
Don’t get me wrong, it is the most
rewarding role of all, but I felt like
I’d lost the person I was before. I
couldn’t remember the last time
I had a conversation that didn’t
revolve around nappies or bottles.
Who was I?

32 | February 2021 | happiful.com

 refill your cup

Now, 18 months on, I finally

feel as if I’ve worked hard to
find who I am again: both as a
mum, and outside of it. Here are
five things that I found really
beneficial, and I hope might
help you...

1. Learn something new

There’s a temptation to use nap
time to tidy the nursery or tackle
the washing up, but it’s pretty
much the only part of the day
you’re not holding the baby, so
why not use it to do something
for you? At the start of lockdown
in the UK, I set myself a simple
goal of spending 15 minutes a
day learning something new.
There are so many different
online courses, and committing
to just spending a short burst of
time learning about something
that isn’t baby related can be
really helpful and constructive.

2. Get outside and exercise

In those early postpartum days,
I barely moved off the sofa, but
once you are more recovered,
exercise can help you feel as
if you can conquer anything. I
know there are plenty of mum
and baby exercise classes, but
during the summer, I took up
running in the evening, as soon
my husband got home from
work. Those 30 minutes just
for me meant I actually looked
forward to exercise, and it
cleared my head so I could enjoy
my evening. >>>

happiful.com | February 2021 | 33

 Support groups for new mums
• Mumsmeetup.com helps mums across the UK connect to
socialise and find support.
• Search ‘Mums Matter’ on mind.org.uk to access perinatal
mental health support developed by mums, for mums.
• Join ‘The Motherload’ Facebook group for non-judgemental
venting and laughter at all aspects of raising kids.
Find more local support groups across the country on
the free Happiful app. group who seemingly has it all
together. Snatching moments to
have conversations about how
you’re feeling is really important,
and even better if it can be done
over Facetime with a glass of
wine while your baby is tucked
up in bed.
It’s also worth noting that
talking to a professional might
help, too. Around one in 10
mums struggle with postnatal
4. Chuck out your depression, so if your feelings
pre-baby clothes persist, talk to your doctor who
Another reason I felt so will be able to recommend
disconnected from myself as support networks, medication, or
a new mum was because I talking therapies that can help. I
physically changed so much struggled with severe postnatal
during pregnancy – even my anxiety after my son was born,
3. Don’t feel guilty if you shoe size got bigger! Not only and was referred for cognitive
want to return to work did much of my wardrobe not behavioural therapy (CBT), which
I returned to work officially after fit, but a lot of my old clothes has helped hugely.
eight months, but also used my just didn’t feel practical with
keeping-in-touch days before that. a baby around. So rather than It might not seem like it now
Much of the decision to return to look at it longingly in my but, one day, I promise you will
work was, of course, financial, wardrobe, I took clothes to the feel yourself again. Being a mum
but I’ll be honest, a lot of it was charity shop. This was a chance is an amazing thing, but don’t
also because I really wanted to to treat myself and find a new forget all the things that make
get back to the job I loved, and style for the new me. you amazing too.
that made me feel like ‘me’ again.
Every mum is different, with
regards to choosing to spend 5. It’s good to talk Jenna Farmer is a freelance
longer at home or wanting to Sometimes you can feel as if journalist who specialises in
return to work sooner. Don’t you’re a bad mother for wanting perinatal mental health and gut
let anyone judge you for the ‘me time’, but lots of your health. She has Crohn’s disease
decisions you make – you have to friends will feel the same way and blogs about her journey at
do what’s right for you. – even that mum at the baby abalencedbelly.co.uk

34 | February 2021 | happiful.com

 find your balance

Self-love
affirmations
When you need a pick-me-up,
say these words to yourself

Cut around the lines and place them in a

jar. Pull one out when you need a boost.

I accept myself unconditionally

My thoughts and feelings matter I am enough

I deserve good things I have unique talents

I have so much to offer the world I am kind

I am worthy of love I am trying the best I can

I will rise to challenges I am proud of myself

My body deserves to be treated with respect

I am worthy of kindness and self-compassion

I have the power to create change

I am always learning & growing I am courageous

To d a y I w i l l t r y t o b e t h e b e s t v e r s i o n o f m y s e l f

happiful.com | February 2021 | 35

 “
Knowing yourself is the
beginning of all wisdom
ARISTOTLE

Photography | Gemma Chua-Tran

36 | February 2021 | happiful.com

 true story

Addressing my emotional world

For years, Daniella experienced unexplained chronic pain. But
when she stumbled across some information on the mind-body
connection, things started to make sense
Writing | Daniella Fagan

A
bout a year ago, I couldn’t sit up in
a chair, walk more than a couple of
steps, or get a good night’s sleep. I was
in so much pain 24/7 that my head
ached from all the tablets I was taking to numb
the agony in my body. The muscles in my back
were as hard as rocks – burning hot electric
rocks – and so tight that they twisted me up like
a crooked stick. My mental health suffered as I
faced a life of solitude, constant pain, and the
isolating depression that came with that.
I had suffered from headaches a lot previously,
but the back pain that jumped into my life with
no warning was brand new. It started gradually in
2015 and got progressively worse until I couldn’t
go a day without serious pain medication and a
lot of rest. It screamed at me like an alarm bell
ringing constantly around my mind.
I fought with this debilitating condition for
about three years, as I was batted between
doctors, traumatologists, surgeons, specialists,
chiropractors, physical therapists, and
osteopaths. Nothing worked. In fact, every
treatment I had – including electrodes, laser
treatments, and daily steroid injections – made
me worse. The only thing that they could find
was a herniated disc which, despite looking
really scary on MRI, apparently wasn’t bad
enough to be causing me that much pain. I was
devastated, believing this was going to be my life
forever. I ended up in a wheelchair at times, and
was utterly broken inside.
As you can imagine, my mental health suffered
greatly. The more fear I had and the more despair
I felt, the worse the symptoms got – which totally
makes sense, now that I understand what was
happening to me.
Purely by chance, one day I noticed someone
posting about their back pain on Facebook, and
a friend had commented about a book called
Healing Back Pain by Dr John E Sarno. I was
thoroughly sceptical at the time, but I was also
utterly desperate and willing to try anything.
Dr Sarno was a pioneer in his field, and spent
his career educating patients and practitioners
about the mind-body connection. His theory
was that repressed emotions and unaddressed
past traumas can cause our nervous systems to
become stuck in a ‘stress response’ mode called
fight-or-flight. This is our body’s primitive natural
defence mechanism that kicks in to help us flee or
fight a predator or threat.
By not addressing my feelings properly, and
therefore not allowing myself to process traumatic
events or threatening scenarios in my life, I was
literally toxifying my body with an immense
amount of stress. As a result, a number of physical
symptoms had shown up throughout my life. >>>

happiful.com | February 2021 | 37


Back pain is one of the most common areas for
mind-body issues to manifest, so it’s no surprise
that back pain is also one of the most frequent
complaints in GP practices every year. Other
common mind-body symptoms are migraines,
chronic fatigue, widespread pain often diagnosed
as fibromyalgia, gut problems such as IBS, skin
conditions like psoriasis and eczema, pelvic
pain, and sciatica. Collectively, these conditions
are called tension myositis syndrome (TMS),
otherwise known as the mindbody syndrome or
just ‘stress illness’.
I’m not saying all chronic pain is caused by
suppressed emotion. Neither am I saying that
my pain was all in my head. The symptoms were
very real, and felt exactly the same as an injury or
tissue damage of some kind. But my pain was not
created by my physical body, it was created by my
brain and was exacerbated by my nervous system
being on constant high alert.
My emotional world was like a big simmering
pot of water. The pot has a limited capacity, but
the more emotion and turmoil we suppress, the
more the pot fills and boils. At some point, if
the volume in the pot isn’t reduced, it’s going to
overflow and cause problems.
38 | February 2021 | happiful.com
For more from Daniella visit her
website, mytmsjourney.com
Our mind and our body are the same things,
not separate entities. When we’re nervous, our
palms sweat and our tummy aches. After a long
stressful day at work, our heads hurt, our mouths
are dry, and our bodies feel tense. These are just
a few examples of the power of the mind-body
connection in our day-to-day lives.
Journaling peeled back all the
layers of protection I had built
up around myself for years,
and allowed me to just sit
with my real self
I went down the rabbit hole of research into
Dr Sarno’s work and found a successor of his
called Nicole J Sachs, based in Delaware USA. She
worked with him for years as a psychotherapist
to his patients, and designed her own form of
expressive writing therapy called JournalSpeak.
One of Dr Sarno’s main recovery principles is to
address the emotions that you’ve successfully
buried for so long in the form of daily journaling.
Journaling peeled back all the layers of
protection I had built up around myself for years,

and allowed me to just sit with my real selfand
heal her. It sounds ridiculous, believe me, I know
it does, but by releasing these emotions, it was
teaching me how to really feel.
The recovery timeline is very different for
everyone, but after about two months of
consistent practise and more learning along
the way, I started to have pain-free days – whole
days! Then the days turned into weeks and, to cut
a long story short, here I am today, completely
chronic pain-free, anxiety-free (for the most
part!), and no longer living in fear of my body,
convinced that something is broken.
Shockingly, I am now grateful for my pain
and what it taught me. Since recovering, and
with Covid-19 changing my day-to-day work life
OUR EXPERT SAYS
Daniella’s story is a uniquely interesting
expression of self-discovery, and how that fits
into the world around us. In a time when we’re
being bombarded with new information, and
trying to navigate our way through, you’ll notice
just how quickly things can change. What was
true yesterday may be seen in a different light
tomorrow.
true story
significantly, I decided to write my story into an
online stress-illness survival guide, to help other
people do the same as I did, from home, for free.
When I had recovered enough to restart my
life, I decided to fulfil a lifelong dream I had
fantasised about for years, I went to India to train
to become a yoga teacher. I now teach others
in the chronic pain community to overcome
the fear of movement, and settle their nervous
system out of fight or flight to propel their
recovery forwards, just like I did.
Since recovering, I’ve reinvented my whole life.
I’ve become much more resilient, courageous,
honest, and protective of the peace this work
has given me. I fully accept myself for exactly
who I am these days – something I’ve never been
comfortable with in the past. I can only wish
the same for you. I know this is hard to believe,
but keep an open mind and do some research
of your own. If you try this approach, and you’re
anything like me, you’ll be even more surprised
at what you find out about yourself.
Although we need a foundation that feels
grounded in truth, what’s also true is that we
make new discoveries every day. If you’ve been
feeling stuck, maybe it’s time to
see what’s possible beyond what
you thought you knew.
Rachel Coffey | BA MA NLP Mstr
Life coach
happiful.com | February 2021 | 39
 Batch
made in
heaven!
Take it easy in 2021
with a bunch of simple,
nutritious, and delicious
batch bakes
Writing | Katie Hoare

I
f 2020 has taught me anything,
it’s that being kind to myself
and taking it easy are both
absolutely necessary, and
should be shame-free. We’re so
used to only praising ourselves
when we’ve worked a full
day, completed a workout,
done the washing, and then
cooked a hearty, intricate
meal from scratch. But, this
year, it’s all about simplicity,
nutrition, versatility and, most
importantly, batch baking!
We’ve got eight recipes that
tick those boxes to make your
working weeks a little easier this
time around. Pick a rainy Sunday
afternoon, and fire up the oven...

Meet our nutritionist panel

For more recipes and insight with your diet, visit nutritionist-resource.org.uk

Susan Hart Lucy Sparkes Nissa Dewshi Kirstie Lawton Michele Scarr
MFHT MFNT BA (Hons) Dip CNM dipNT mBANT rCNHC PhD AfN mBANT BA (Hons) Dip Nut

40 | February 2021 | happiful.com

 feel-good food

Vegan granola
Serves 7

Ingredients
• 100g coconut oil, melted
• 200g rolled oats
• 2 tsp cinnamon
• 50g walnuts, chopped
• 50g almonds, chopped
• 30g desiccated coconut
• 20g chia seeds
• 50ml maple syrup
Method
• Preheat the oven to 180°C.
Line two baking trays with
parchment and set aside.
• Melt the coconut oil either in the
microwave or on the stove.
• In a large bowl, combine all
the ingredients with the melted
coconut oil, apart from the
maple syrup.
• Lay out the granola evenly on
baking trays and drizzle over the
maple syrup. Bake in the oven for
approx 20 minutes, turning the
granola over after 10 minutes.
• Leave to cool before transferring
to an airtight container. Eat
within two weeks.
Susan Hart, nutrition coach,
cook and food writer, says: “Oats
are so beneficial to the body,
delivering fibre to keep our
digestive health on track. As a
prebiotic, they help nourish and
restore healthy gut bacteria. We
also need good fats and protein;
this is where the nuts and chia
seeds are useful. It’s easy to
adjust the flavour by swapping
the nuts, and you could add
linseeds, or pumpkin seeds to
increase the nutrient diversity.”

Savoury brekkie muffins

Makes 12

Ingredients Method • Divide the mixture evenly

• 12 large eggs
• 60ml milk
• 1 tsp black pepper
• 1 tsp chilli flakes
• 150g spinach, chopped
• 100g cherry tomatoes, sliced
• Handful of chives, chopped
• 2 spring onions, chopped
• Preheat the oven to 180°C and
grease a muffin tray.
• I n a large bowl, whisk the
eggs and milk together with
the black pepper and chilli
flakes. Stir in the spinach,
tomatoes, chives and spring
onions.
into 12 muffin cups, and
place in the oven for
approximately 20 minutes,
or until a toothpick comes
out clean.
• Let the muffins cool before
storing them in an airtight
container in the fridge.

Nutritional therapist Lucy Sparkes, who specialises in digestive disorders

and family nutrition, says: “Eggs provide the perfect start to the day,
helping with energy, brain function and satiety levels, and I love the
addition of the spices – well-known for their therapeutic properties.
“Black pepper has anti-inflammatory properties. Inflammation is
associated with many chronic health conditions, so antioxidants are
important inclusions in modern diets. Chilli stimulates metabolism
and helps to burn fat, which some say may help healthy weight
management. Overall a tasty, energising meal to kick-start your day.” >>>

happiful.com | February 2021 | 41

 Spicy lentil and squash soup
Serves 4
Ingredients
• 2 tsp olive oil
• 1 red onion, diced
• 2 garlic cloves, chopped
• 2 carrots, peeled and chopped
• 1 butternut squash, peeled
and chopped
• 2 tsp hot paprika
• 3-inch piece fresh ginger,
peeled and chopped
• 1l boiling vegetable stock
• 100g red lentils
• 2 tsp black pepper
• Handful of pumpkin seeds, to
serve (optional)

Method
• Heat the oil in a deep pan on a
medium heat. Add the onions
and garlic, and fry until soft.
• Add the carrot, butternut
squash, paprika and ginger,
and sauté for approx 4
minutes.
• Add the boiling vegetable
stock, lentils and a good grind
of black pepper, and stir gently. “A great source of protein, lentils
• Bring to the boil, then reduce provide a number of nutritional
heat to simmer and cover for benefits: they’re rich in soluble
approx 20 minutes. fibre, which lowers cholesterol
• Check the squash is soft, and helps to balance blood
and then blitz to a soup with sugar levels, providing a slow
a blender stick. If you don’t release of energy,” says Nissa
have a blender, using a potato Dewshi, a nutritional therapist
masher will also work as long specialising in fatigue and
as the veg is very tender. Be gut health. “They also contain
careful as soup stays hot for a insoluble fibre, which bulks up the
long while. Add a few splashes stool, and prevents constipation
of warm water if it’s too thick. and the development of digestive
• Ladle it into a bowl and disorders, such as diverticulitis
serve with a sprinkling of and IBS.”
pumpkin seeds, and a hunk of
wholemeal bread.

42 | February 2021 | happiful.com


Stuffed pepper tacos
Makes 6
Ingredients
• 3 red peppers, halved
• 1 tbsp olive oil
• Salt and pepper, to season
• 1 red onion, chopped
• 1 garlic clove, crushed
• 12g cherry tomatoes, sliced
• 2 pouches Mexican-style rice
• 400g can black beans, drained
and rinsed
• 6 chilli-infused cheddar slices
To serve
• Handful of jalapenos (optional)
• 1 tbsp of Greek yoghurt (optional)
Method
• Preheat the oven to 200°C.
• Cut the peppers in half, deseed
and remove any pith.
Avocado penne pasta
Serves 3
Ingredients
• 250g wholemeal penne
• 100g garden peas
• 150g baby spinach
• 2 garlic cloves, chopped
•2 small avocados, halved and stoned
• 30g cashews nuts
• 1 tsp cayenne pepper
• 1 lemon
• Pinch of black pepper
• Handful of pumpkin seeds
• Small bunch of coriander, chopped
• 30g parmesan (optional)
Method
• Cook the pasta in boiling water
as per packet instructions. You
can add the peas to the same
saucepan, or boil separately.
• Lay them flat on a roasting tray,
drizzle with olive oil, and season
to taste. Bake for 20 mins.
• While the peppers are roasting,
fry the onion, garlic and cherry
tomatoes for approx 4 minutes.
• Remove from heat, and
combine with the rice and
beans. Rice and beans can go
in the mixture cold, or warm
through in the microwave/stove
before adding to the peppers.
Remove the peppers from the
oven and fill each evenly with
the rice and bean mixture.
• Lay a slice of cheese on each
pepper, and roast in the oven for
approx 10 minutes.
• Meanwhile, add the spinach,
garlic, avocado halves, cashews,
pepper, and two tablespoons of
warm water to a blender and
pulse until smooth. If the sauce
is too thick, gradually add warm
water until desired consistency.
Set aside.
• Drain the pasta, and tip back
into the pan, combining with
the peas. Squeeze the lemon
into the pasta and stir in the
blitzed sauce. Give the sauce a
good grind of black pepper, and
warm gently on low heat.
• Divide the pasta into bowls
and sprinkle with pumpkin
seeds, chopped coriander and
parmesan (if using).
feel-good food
• Remove from the oven, and
serve immediately with a dollop
of yoghurt and sprinkle with
jalapenos (if using).
Kirstie Lawton, a registered
nutritionist and director of You
Nutrition Ltd, says: “Altogether, a
delicious, immune-supporting,
antioxidant-packed meal, this
recipe is quick and versatile. Both
tomatoes and red peppers are high
in immune-boosting antioxidants,
vitamin C, and beta-carotene. Red
onions and garlic contain both allium
and prebiotic fibres, which support
healthy gut bacteria, and sulfur –
essential for liver detoxification.”
“Often overlooked in favour of
‘trendier’ superfoods, humble
garden peas are nutritional
powerhouses,” nutritional therapist
Lucy Sparkes says. “Eaten all-
year-round as they retain their
goodness when frozen, peas
are a great source of insoluble
fibre, and contain a prebiotic to
help maintain good gut bacteria
residence, which is vital for a
healthy immune function.” >>>
happiful.com | February 2021 | 43
 Courgetti pad Thai
Serves 3
Ingredients
• 1 tsp sesame oil
• 1 red chilli, chopped
• 1 tbsp ginger paste
• 2 spring onions, sliced
• 1 carrot, peeled
• 1 red pepper, sliced
• 2 eggs
• 150g peeled, cooked prawns
• 2 courgettes, shredded or
spiralised
• 50g beansprouts
• Handful of peanuts
For the sauce:
• 1 lime, juiced
• 2 tbsp low salt soy sauce
• Pinch of chilli flakes
• 3 tbsp water
For vegans, replace the prawns with
150g of tofu and omit the egg.
Healthy homemade crisps
Serves 5
Ingredients
• 2 large carrots, peeled
• 2 medium beetroots, peeled
• 100g kale
• 1 tbsp olive oil
• 2 tsp garlic powder
• 1 tsp cayenne pepper
• 1 tsp paprika
Method
•P
 reheat the oven to 180°C,
and line two baking trays with
parchment.
•T
 hinly slice the carrots and
beetroot. Start at the widest part
of the carrot.
44 | February 2021 | happiful.com
Method
• Heat the sesame oil in a wok and
add the chilli and ginger. Stir fry
for 3 minutes.
• Add the spring onions, carrot and
pepper, and toss for 3 minutes.
• Move everything to one side of
the pan, and crack the eggs, using
a chopstick or handle of a fork to
mix the eggs.
• Once the eggs have scrambled, add
the prawns to the wok and stir fry
for approx 4 minutes.
• Prepare the courgette noodles
using a spiralizer or by shredding,
and add to the pan with the
beansprouts. Stir through.
• Combine the sauce ingredients in
a bowl, and add to the wok once
the prawns are piping hot.
• Portion into bowls and garnish
with peanuts. Serve immediately.
•W
 ash and gently tear any large
kale leaves, and place in a large
mixing bowl. Add the sliced
carrots and beetroot to the bowl.
•D
 rizzle the olive oil onto the veg
and add the spices (adjust spices
to desired taste). Toss until the
vegetables are evenly coated.
•P
 lace the veg slices in single
layers on the baking trays. Bake
for 10 mins. Turn and bake for
a further 10–12 mins until crisp,
and the sides of the carrots curl.
•L
 eave to cool and enjoy as a
healthy alternative to shop-
bought crisps!
“This is comfort food in a bowl, and
a great way to boost our immune
system over the winter. Ginger and
chilli not only make this dish really
tasty but, nutritionally, are anti-
inflammatory and immune-boosting
ingredients,” nutrition coach Susan
Hart explains. “Using courgette
noodles increases the vegetable
count, and therefore the fibre
content, too. Fibre makes you feel
fuller for longer as well as improving
your overall digestive health.
“Vegans can enjoy this dish by
removing the egg and using tofu or
tempeh as the protein source. They
provide iron, fibre and calcium, but
zero cholesterol.”
“An excellent alternative to the
ordinary crisp, this recipe uses little
oil and lots of spice,” nutritional
therapist and heath coach Michele
Scarr says. “Garlic, AKA Mother
Nature’s antibiotic, and paprika and
cayenne, containing capsaicin (a
potent circulation stimulant), make
this supportive of heart health and the
control of diabetes. Plus the carrots
and beetroot are rich in carotenoids,
which are good for vision.”
 feel-good food

Tasty tahini flapjacks

Makes 12

Ingredients
1 banana
2 tbsp coconut oil, melted
30g light tahini
1 tbsp runny honey
50g pitted dates
200g rolled oats
30g sunflower seeds
30g chia seeds
1 tsp cinnamon
½ tsp sea salt

Method
• Preheat the oven to 180°C, and
line a baking tin with parchment.
• In a small bowl, mash the
banana with a fork until a paste-
like consistency forms, set aside.
• Melt the coconut oil in a small
pan. Once melted, remove from
the heat and combine with the
tahini and honey, stirring gently.
• In a separate bowl, combine the
dry ingredients, keeping half of
the seeds aside.
• Gradually fold the coconut oil
mixture and mashed banana into
the dry ingredients.
• Spoon the mixture into your tin,
making sure it’s level.
• Sprinkle over the remaining
seeds and bake for 18 mins, or
until golden brown.
• Leave to cool before slicing into
12 pieces. Enjoy!
Michele Scarr, a nutritional therapist, health coach and
CNN lecturer, says: “These tasty, seedy flapjacks keep
energy stores up, but blood pressure down. Chia seeds
are the richest plant source of omega 3 fatty acids and
a complete protein, making them a great option for
vegetarians and vegans, and all that fibre will keep you
fuller for longer – plus they’re great for digestion, too!”

happiful.com | February 2021 | 45

 How to deal with
manipulative people
Don’t get caught in a trap, learn how to spot
manipulation in action, and break free for good
Writing | Kathryn Wheeler Illustrating | Rosan Magar

T
hroughout our lives,
we’re bound to come
into contact with
manipulative people. It
could be in the workplace, in a
friendship, or a relationship – it
might even be a family member.
Manipulation comes in many
different forms, but most of the
time it happens on the sly, and
you may not always realise what’s
going on.
But, as counsellor Chris
Mounsher shares, once you have
identified the problem, there
are several steps you can take
to break free of manipulation,
and start to create your own
boundaries again.
1. BE AWARE OF THE PROBLEM
“The first step is to notice
what’s happening,” says Chris.
“It’s impossible to deal with
manipulation if you aren’t aware.”
We can get used to certain
behaviours very quickly, to
the extent that we’re able to
unconsciously ignore them. So
Chris recommends taking a step
back from the situation.
“Notice the patterns of
behaviour. If you’re always told
that you aren’t doing enough,
no matter how much effort you
put in, this might leave you in
an anxious place with the other
person holding all the anger.
Perhaps this is about more than
just the task at hand?” Chris says.
Often, the best way to spot
abusive behaviour is to really

46 | February 2021 | happiful.com


think about how it makes you
feel. Has an action made you feel
guilty, worried, sad, sidelined, or
frustrated? That could be a sign.
2. TRUST IN YOURSELF
“Feeling battered by the torrent
of another’s manipulative
behaviour can make it hard to
trust in your own experiences,
but this is vital,” Chris notes.
Take some time to tune-in. What
behaviour feels right and good to
you? What are your core values
telling you about the situation?
“Talk through what has
happened, either by yourself or
with a trusted friend,” says Chris.
“Make sense of the situation,
and judge for yourself what is OK
and reasonable, away from the
manipulative behaviour. Hold
onto this understanding, and
remember that you deserve to be
treated with respect.”
3. SET BOUNDARIES
When we set sturdy boundaries,
we’re making it clear to others,
and ourselves, what we will and
will not accept.
“Boundaries are there to keep
us safe,” says Chris.
“If you feel you’re
being pushed to
do things that
aren’t acceptable,
say so. Set your
boundaries,
and remember
that the other
person will find
this hard, but if
you understand
the pattern of manipulation and
trust in your experience, it will be
easier to stand up for yourself.”
If you find that your boundaries
are being challenged a lot,
perhaps take some time to reflect
on what this can tell you about
the nature of the relationship,
and if there are other limits that
you need to set and make clear.
4. UNDERSTAND THEIR
PERSPECTIVE
“This may seem counter-
intuitive, but it can help to
understand the other person’s
perspective, even if you find it
completely unreasonable,” Chris
advises. “To know that the other
person is struggling, and trying
to control their world through
manipulation, may make you feel
less victimised, and may help to
reduce your frustration.”
Chris points to the examples
of a family member criticising
you for not returning their calls
immediately – in that case, it
could be that their manipulative
behaviour is stemming from a
fear of rejection. “However, it’s
important to use the previous
steps to connect with your
views and remember that you’re
relationships
Try to remain as calm as
possible, as it will help
you to see clearly and
to navigate this difficult
situation as best you can
allowed to disagree, and to decide
what is reasonable for yourself,”
Chris adds.
5. DON’T BE AFRAID
TO WALK AWAY
Keep up the self check-ins, and
stay on top of how you’re feeling
so that you’re able to make the
healthiest choice for you. “There
may be times when it causes too
much pain to stay engaged with
the other person,” Chris says. “In
this case, you may choose to walk
away, or minimise your contact.”
As Chris explains, it’s not always
possible to resolve every conflict
or undesirable trait. In those
cases, the least painful option
could be to let that person go, and
to try to move on. You may find
you’re happier in the long-run.
Chris is a humanistic counsellor
with particular experience working
with anxiety, addiction, depression,
low self-esteem and relationship
difficulties. Find out more by visiting
counselling-directory.org.uk
happiful.com | February 2021 | 47
 “
To live is the rarest thing in the
world. Most people exist, that is all
OSCAR WILDE

Photography | Vladimir Fedotov

48 | February 2021 | happiful.com

 find your balance

Fo l l o w yo u r
heart
We explore the concept of ‘heartfulness’ and discover how the
key to wellness could already be within us, literally
Writing | Kathryn Wheeler Illustrating | Rosan Magar

W
hen the world around
us is full of noise,
stress, and pressure,
it makes sense that
we might want to retreat inside
ourselves for moments of solace.
It’s not groundbreaking to point
out that our hearts are at the core
of our being, both literally and
figuratively. But have you ever
taken the time to consider how
this vital organ can support your
wellbeing?
Simply put, ‘heartfulness’ is the
practice of centring mindfulness
around the literal, emotional,
and spiritual heart. Meaning to
use the heartbeat as an ‘anchor’
during mediation (something
to bring your focus back to
when your mind wanders), or
reflecting on its emotional and
spiritual significance, those
who tune-in to heartfulness are
simply using what is readily
available to them, to reach
another level of wellbeing, and
to create coping mechanisms for
when times get tough.
“For me, heartfulness is the
process of living life by focusing
on how your life impacts your
heart – because the heart is
central to your vitality,” says
Jacqueline Denton, a meditation
teacher and holistic therapist.
To her, this means creating an
awareness of the relationship
between your emotional state
and your physical body –
noticing your heartbeat, when it
accelerates, can take your body
into flight or fight mode and,
equally, noticing what things
make your heart ‘sing’; things
like receiving love, laughing with
friends, or being in nature.
On a literal level, you might
pay attention to the steady beat
of your heart to bring your mind
back to the present. Beyond that,
by centring yourself to focus on
that central beat, you can remind
yourself of where you are. >>>

happiful.com | February 2021 | 49

 When our heart (read also:
spirit, soul, desires, or character)
harmonises with our body and
emotions, we can call it ‘heart
coherence’. It’s a state where we are
true to ourselves – we’re listening
to, and understanding, our needs.
Here, we have a greater awareness
of our bodies, thoughts and feelings,
and how all of that comes together
harmoniously.
As Valentine’s Day approaches,
we’re inevitably going to see hearts
popping up in supermarkets and
50 | February 2021 | happiful.com
on cards; hearts and love come
together in culture as they do in
heartfulness. Though we’re not
talking about red foil balloons
or the ‘heart-eyes’ emoji – but
something deeper, something
warm, comforting, and intuitive.
It could be the love that we have
for those who are close to us, the
love invested in our passions and
values, and the love that we have
for ourselves, too.
“We are aware, as humans, that
living in love makes us feel so
much better,” says Jacqueline.
“As we develop our emotional
intelligence, we become
increasingly aware of how
unpleasant it is when we are not
in the love of our hearts.”
Being in the love of our hearts
is what that ‘heart coherence’
is all about. It means that we’re
honouring those feelings, and
tuning in to the power, wisdom,
and serenity that’s already
beating in our chests – again, ask
what makes your heart ‘sing’?
Heartfulness
is the process
of living life by
focusing on how
your life impacts
your heart
 find your balance

Keep it literal, or delve into

Three steps to heartfulness the spiritual, and next time you
come to a crossroad in your
Jacqueline Denton shares exercises to take you into your heart: life, embark on a unknown
path, or simply start a new day,
1. Enter your heart space take some time to recognise the
First, focus on being in your mind. Now shoot your consciousness strength you have within you,
out the back of your head, in through your shoulder blades, and and do it from the heart.
into your heart. Do this a couple of times. Each time, sense your
energy change when you arrive in your heart.

2. The heart lift

Now, imagine your consciousness is taking a lift down to the
heart. Get in the lift and travel down through the head and neck
to the back of the heart. Now go into the back of your heart. It’s
easy to sense your energy changing to the calmness and peace
of the heart in this exercise. Jacqueline Denton is a meditation
teacher, passionate about helping
3. Enter the state of ‘heart coherence’ her clients heal from their past, so
If you’re really stressed, I’ve got another exercise that will calm that they can go on to flourish.
Find out more by visiting
your brain chatter. Sit and relax in a chair. Stretch out your brow
therapy-directory.org.uk
by lifting your eyebrows and tilting your head back slightly, and
watch how you feel. You will sense the calmness coming down
from your head, rolling gently down like honey until it reaches
the heart. Let it keep going until it reaches your feet. It only takes
a few moments and this will shift your whole energy field so that
you’re much calmer, and enter the state of ‘heart coherence’.
Finish with a sigh and a lovely breath to anchor this
energy in your field.

As with any mindfulness positively affects your

practice, there’s also a very real
physical effect. When you find
a sense of calm through turning
your focus inwards, your blood
pressure is reduced, and your
heartbeat and breathing will
slow down. “This impacts your
gut health and aids the digestive
process,” explains Jacqueline.
“Your nervous system changes
as your fight-or-flight mode
switches off (perhaps for the first
time in years), and the nerves
release their tension. All this
brain and how it controls
the finely-tuned balances
within your hormones,
water system, muscle
tension, and much
more.”
As Jacqueline sees
it, a daily practice of
focusing on the heart
will bring about a state
of balance, fulfilment,
and harmony. And the best
part is it’s there for the taking,
for all of us, at any time.

happiful.com | February 2021 | 51

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| happiful.com
 refill your cup

your
Portraits| Karolina Bak

T A K I N G
T I M E
Carina Lawson, founder of eco-friendly planner brand Ponderlily,
knows how hard it can be to make time for wellbeing, which is why she’s helping
people create space for meaning and a life of fullness, rather than busyness
Writing | Lucy Donoughue

H
ow many times has health issue, or book to have your
Sunday evening rolled haircut in the week ahead, only to
around, and you’ve find your personal to-dos fall to
promised yourself the bottom of your list by Monday
you’re going to make a dentist lunchtime? Is there something on
appointment, address an ongoing your list right now that you know
would make you personally feel
better or healthier, but you’ve
simply not got around to, or can’t
find the time for?
If the answer is yes, then you’re
part of a huge group of people >>>

happiful.com | February 2021 | 53


who unwaveringly meet external
obligations and find time to
support others, but constantly
de-prioritise themselves to their
own detriment.
Carina Lawson knows this
way of living all too well. As a
business analyst and mum to
young twin girls, in 2014 Carina
had become overwhelmed by
her obligations and no longer,
she says, felt like herself.
“I was at a point in my life
where I was overscheduled,
overextended in terms of
commitments, I was very
successful, and I was sick,” she
explains.
54 | February 2021 | happiful.com
I was on a mission to help
women make more empowered
decisions about their time
After cancelling countless
doctors’ appointments, Carina
became worried by how ill she
felt and finally sought medical
advice. The suggestion was simply
to get more rest, and she carried
on as before. However, the feeling
of tiredness and lack of room for
herself in her own life stayed with
her, and she began to observe the
same in others.
“I listened to my colleagues talk
about what they wished for, like
going for a walk in the middle
of the day, or making time for a
yoga class – and they spoke about
these things like they were a far
away dream,” she explains. “I
realised that while we’re so good
at our professional and parenting
roles, most of us find it really
hard to achieve the simplest of
tasks that affect our physiology,
like making time for lunch,
drinking enough water, or getting
fresh air.
“We ignore our basic needs,
and I was doing that myself
because I felt that everybody
else’s needs were more
important than mine.”
Shortly after this realisation,
Carina’s feelings of burnout
came to a head as she finally
made her way back to the
doctors. “I pulled my car over
to the side of the road, and I
ugly cried,” she says. “I just
remember saying to myself ‘this
is enough’ over and over again.
I’d had enough, and what I had to
give to others had to be enough
for everyone else, too.”
Carina decided that she wanted
to create a future where her
children would never dismiss
their own needs for the sake of
others, or be frightened about
vocalising that they were tired or
ill. “After that, I was on a mission
to help women make more
empowered decisions about
their time. I don’t know what
happens to us all – the roles that
we play just take over at a certain
point – but it’s really up to us to
draw that line in the sand and
take care of ourselves first.”

Here, Carina shares a few of
the ways she began to prioritise
herself, which could be a starting
point for you, too:
Make time for morning
affirmations
Flat lay images | Georgia De Lotz
When I was struggling with
anxiety, I found that a way to
cope was to write down an
intention or an affirmation
first thing in the morning
to help me anchor my day. I
would refer back to that over
the following hours to help
me – my favourite is: “All will
be well.”
Take back downtime
For a while, bedtime with
my twins would be tough, as
they’d ask me to stay in the
room while they fell asleep.
So I’d use little pockets of
time to pursue my own
thoughts while sitting in
their room, and that’s how I
started Ponderlily. I’d send
an email here and there, and
little by little I got that time
for creativity, and myself.
Don’t be afraid to say “No”
It takes so much mental toll
to have to orchestrate all the
pieces of your life – family,
work and beyond. We put so
much pressure on ourselves
to make everything work,
and for it all to be perfect but,
sometimes, it’s not possible to
do everything. I’ve realised it’s
OK to admit that and say no –
it’s healthy to do that.
refill your cup
Health is everything
Being a mum to two girls, my
health is everything to me
now, because I want to be
there for them and set a good
example. Now, those doctor
appointments go in my diary
and they are immovable, as
is downtime after we launch
new collections. It’s so
important that you recognise
when you need that time
out, for yourself and those
around you.
Carina Lawson is the founder of eco-
friendly productivity and planner
brand Ponderlily – which we’re big
fans of at Happiful! Find out more at
ponderlily.com
happiful.com | February 2021 | 55
 How to overcome
first-date nerves
The path to finding true love doesn’t come without its challenges, but
don’t let first-date nerves hold you back from taking that initial step
Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

A
racing heart, clammy
hands, and a million
and one thoughts
rushing around your
head – first dates are intimidating
things. Whether you’ve met the
person before, or this will be the
first time that you lay eyes on
them, that initial date can come
with a whole load of pressure.
But you don’t need to let nerves
overshadow your time together.
With help from Ayesha Giselle,
a life and accountability coach
dedicated to helping people
develop confidence, we share
six tips for dispelling first-date
jitters, for good.
1. BE PREPARED
When the day comes around,
you don’t want to be held up
worrying over the ‘where’ and
‘when’. “Discuss the details of the
date, like where you are going
to meet – preferably in a public
setting so that you both can feel
safe,” Ayesha says. “Confirm the
location and time again on the
day of the date. Give yourself
enough time to travel so you
can be on time, and have a few
conversational questions to
hand so that you won’t be lost for
words.” With all the admin out the
way, you’ll be in a much better
mindset to enjoy the experience.
2. BE YOURSELF
We know, it’s easier said than
done when you’re feeling under
pressure. But everything comes
more naturally when we’re being
true to ourselves. “Relax, breathe,
and try to take the pressure off
yourself,” Ayesha suggests. “Avoid
focusing on whether your date
likes you, instead divert your
focus to enjoying the experience
and learning about them. Don’t
hide your quirks – they make you
unique and interesting.” You don’t
need to give everything away at
once, it takes time to get to know
a person, but by presenting your
true self from day one, you’ll

56 | February 2021 | happiful.com


Remind yourself of all of the things that
make you amazing, likeable, loveable,
irresistible, interesting, unique, and fun
be much more likely to know
whether your date is a good
match.
3. SILENCE YOUR INNER CRITIC
Does your mind become flooded
with negative self-talk when
faced with a new and nerve-
wracking experience? It’s a
natural thing, but that doesn’t
mean we should give in to it.
“Give yourself a pep talk and a
confidence boost before you head
out on your date,” says Ayesha.
“Remind yourself of all of the
things that make you amazing,
likeable, loveable, irresistible,
interesting, unique, and fun. Your
brain cannot hold two conflicting
thoughts at the same time – so, by
focusing on the positives, you’ll
silence your inner critic.”
4. BE CURIOUS
“A good way to be interesting is
to be interested,” says Ayesha.
“People love to talk about
themselves – so ask curious
questions. What’s your most
treasured memory? What’s your
favourite place and why? Who
inspires you and what about
them is inspiring to you? Asking
questions and being interested
makes the other person feel
valued, listened to, and seen.”
If you’ve been chatting to
the person before the date,
you might have picked up
on some topics that they are
really interested in. By taking
the time to listen, you’ll put
your date at ease, leading to
a more comfortable overall
atmosphere.
5. TAKE THE PRESSURE OFF
Try to let go on some of the
expectations that you might
be holding onto. Cultivate an
attitude of “everything happens
for a reason”, so if things don’t
go exactly to plan, you don’t
internalise any fault.
“A lot of people take dating
too seriously in the beginning
stages, have unrealistic
expectations, and a need to
control the outcome,” Ayesha
says. “This puts way too
much pressure on the dating
experience. Release control and
let go of expectation. Allow the
date to be light, and flow where
it needs to flow.”
Of course, if something doesn’t
feel right, or you spot some
red flags, make sure to pay
relationships
attention to those feelings – but
don’t let unrealistic expectations
get in the way of wonderful, new
experiences.
6. SET YOUR INTENTION
“Setting intentions is the act
of stating what you intend to
accomplish through your actions,
while letting go of control,” Ayesha
explains. “This will allow you to
choose how you show up, how you
present yourself – allowing you to
focus and be mindful of who you
are in the moment.”
Your intention might be to
have a calm, relaxing evening,
or to make a deep connection.
“Setting your intentions can
help you to relax, feel confident
and self-assured,” Ayesha adds.
“And it could make your date feel
heard, understood, and valued.
Your intentions may be to have
fun and go with the flow. Or it
could be to just simply enjoy the
experience of getting to know
someone new.” Whatever your
intentions and aims may be, do
them with confidence.
For more articles and support
on finding your confidence visit
lifecoach-directory.org.uk
happiful.com | February 2021 | 57
 THE FOOD–MOOD
CONNECTION
You’ve probably heard the phrase “gut feeling” more than once, and
there’s actually some science to support it. With help from nutritional
therapists Kirstie Lawton and Clare Backhouse, we explore exactly how
the food we eat and our gut bacteria can influence our mood

Writing | Katie Hoare

S
cientists often refer to the
gut as the second brain,
and with more than 95%
of serotonin (the 'happy
hormone') manufactured by the
gut, it’s no surprise that our “gut
feelings” are often correct.
The impact our food
choices have on our mood
can be profound. After all,
neurotransmitters sending
messages to the brain travel
along a direct chemical pathway,
from the gut to the central
nervous system. Some studies
even suggest that people who
don’t eat enough oily fish – rich in
omega 3 – are more likely to have
depression.
WHY IS THE GUT
SIGNIFICANT?
The gut-brain connection is
heavily influenced by the gut
microbiome (GM) – trillions of
bacteria that create a unique
ecosystem in our guts. Specific
species of healthy bacteria
produce serotonin, which is
closely linked to our mood,
and it’s been found that low
levels of this 'happy hormone'
may be linked to mental health
conditions such as depression
and anxiety.
While 2020 was a tough year
for many of us, there was some
good news which came from it
too, as it could be the year we
revolutionised the importance of
gut health for overall wellbeing,
with many studies suggesting
that the health of our gut
microbiome is key to positive
mental health. So, if your gut
bacteria is out of balance, you
may find you struggle to regulate
your mood.

58 | February 2021 | happiful.com

 ENERGISING EATS
At this time of year, it can be tricky to get going. The buzz of
Christmas is over, we might be feeling a little bit strapped
for cash and, quite frankly, the grey rain is making me want
to hibernate until June! So to kick start your energy reserves,
whip up some scrambled eggs or silken tofu with avocado
and wholemeal bread for brekkie, try a hummus and
edamame bean salad for lunch, and finish the day with
roast turkey, and a side of brown rice and veg.

“Gut health is a critical aspect WHAT FOODS SUPPORT neurotransmitters in positive

of our mental wellbeing. With
95% of our serotonin being
produced in the gut by our
gut bacteria, it’s important
to maintain a healthy gut
flora through eating a healthy
balanced diet, rich in prebiotic
and probiotic foods,” says Dr
Kirstie Lawton, registered
nutritional therapist and
director of You Nutrition Clinic,
who specialises in brain health.
Your gut microbiome is fragile
and, with modern-day stressors
and busy lifestyles encroaching
on our health, sometimes the
gut microbiome can fall out
of equilibrium. But you can
proactively nurture your gut
health to regain that balance
through introducing fermented
foods such as kefir and
sauerkraut into your diet.
POSITIVE MENTAL HEALTH?
In an ideal world, we could just
eat bowls of food containing
serotonin but, unfortunately, this
happy hormone is not directly
found in food. Instead you can
prompt this hormone production
through exercise or exposure to
bright lights. But it’s also believed
that foods containing the amino
acid tryptophan could help to
release serotonin – so you could
try foods such as turkey, salmon,
spinach, seeds, and nuts.
Another good option is to
pay attention to foods that are
naturally high in B vitamins, such
as liver, eggs, and leafy greens,
as Kirstie notes that those who
struggle with mild depression,
anxiety or high levels of pain
can find this beneficial. Vitamin
B6 is needed to make the key
mental health, and Kirstie stresses
the important roles they perform.
“Serotonin and GABA (Gamma
aminobutyric acid) help to keep
our mood calm and stable,
and dopamine, which is linked
to pleasure, is essential for
mental wellbeing. Each of these
requires a range of amino acids
and micronutrients for their
development.”
Kirstie also advocates adopting
a traditional Mediterranean
diet. “Following a nutrient-rich,
Mediterranean-style diet, high in
olives, omega-3 containing foods
such as fatty fish, nuts, seeds
and avocado, zinc-rich meat
and seafood, and a wide range
of antioxidant and nutrient-rich
fruits and vegetables (including
cruciferous, dark green and
brightly coloured choices) can >>>

happiful.com | February 2021 | 59

 have a positive effect on mood by
improving gut health. It provides
us with the nutrients and protein
building blocks (e.g. tryptophan
and tyrosine) that we require for
neurotransmitter production,
reducing inflammation and
oxidation, and supporting overall
brain function.”
Research also suggests that both
magnesium and vitamin D can
kick start the parasympathetic
nervous system – the rest and
digest state that enables optimum
cognitive function. Kirstie adds
L-theanine (found in green tea)
to the list, as it has shown to help
with anxiety. Adaptogenic herbs
are also worth investigating, as
tulsi, chamomile and turmeric
help the body react positively to
sudden stressors, and support
relaxation.
If you struggle with
although it might hit the spot at
the time, the aftermath of the
sugar hit can send your mood
plummeting even further.
A nutritional therapist
specialising in mood and energy,
Clare Backhouse, explains that
sugar can upset the equilibrium
of your mood in three significant
ways. “Sugary foods disrupt our
blood glucose levels. We might
experience an initial, brief
boost to our mood, but it will
be followed by an unpleasant
slump. Firstly, you eat some sugar
and get a rush of energy as your
blood glucose spikes. Then, the
hormone insulin steps in to get
the glucose out of your blood and
into other cells in your body.
“The more sugary your food,
the more insulin is produced, so
that you actually become a bit
too low in blood glucose after all
– and, therefore, your mood dips.
You feel so low that you crave a
quick fix, which generally means
more sugar.”
vegetable and seed oils, and
chemicals such as pesticides
should also be avoided, as they
can negatively impact our brain
chemistry, and therefore our
mood.”
While there is a growing theory
that food can be used as medicine
(studies certainly show positive
results), the jury’s still out on
a definitive answer, and one
size doesn’t fit all. It’s always
best to consult your nutrition
professional for guidance and
further support to make the most
of what’s on your plate – you can
find a nutritionist near you on
our Happiful app.
Kirstie Lawton is a
registered nutritionist
and director of You
Nutrition Ltd.
Clare Backhouse is a
registered nutritional
therapist specialising
in thyroid conditions

mild depression, Clare notes that sugar prompts

and mood.

anxiety or high the production of inflammatory

levels of pain, it
may be helpful
to address your
vitamin B levels
UNHELPFUL FOODS FOR
LOW MOOD
If you struggle with low mood,
it can be helpful to avoid
refined carbohydrates, poor
quality meats and, sadly, sugar.
It’s common to turn to sugary
snacks as a form of comfort but,
cytokines, which have been
Visit nutritionist-resource.org.uk for
professional support and guidance.
shown to trigger symptoms
of depression, and can have a
significant impact on the delicate
ecosystem of your gut bacteria.
She says, “We also know that
sugary foods may predispose the
gut to dysbiosis, or an imbalance
of beneficial bacteria.”
But it’s not just sugar that’s the
bad guy here. Kirstie suggests
avoiding inflammatory foods
too. “Gluten, alcohol, processed
and packaged foods, poor quality

60 | February 2021 | happiful.com

 Happiful reads...
Whether you’re an eco-warrior, baking aficionado, or looking
to unlock your potential, we’ve got four must-read books
to add to your wishlist this month
C
limate change can
often feel like an issue
that’s too big for us as
individuals to solve.
But Microsoft co-founder and
philanthropist Bill Gates, with
the help of leading experts, has
put together a clear explanation
of the major challenges we’re
facing across the globe, to help
us focus the fight. The book also
Must reads
National
Trust Book of
Baking
by Sybil
Kapoor
Out 15 April
With the
nearing of
British spring comes a wealth
of growth and colour in fields
across the country. Drawing
on Britain’s baking heritage
and history, this new edition
of award-winning writer Sybil
Kapoor’s classic recipe book
shares some of her favourite
puddings, savoury treats, and
breads that utilise glorious
seasonal produce.
Writing | Chelsea Graham
provides a practical guide for
achieving a global target of
zero emissions, as well as why
this mission is so important,
which Bill makes clear is not a
simple task, but is “firmly
within our reach”.
Including explanations of
how we should be addressing
chemical, biological, political
and financial matters that affect
The Best is Yet
to Come
by Katy Colins
Out 18 March
For most of
her life, things
just seemed
to come
naturally to
Izzy – that is until she found
herself struggling under the
pressure of parenthood. But
upon hearing of an elderly
neighbour in need of a friend,
she quickly jumps into the
maternal role. Katy Colins’
emotional novel is a heart-
warming tale filled with love,
friendship, and courage.
How to Avoid a Climate
Disaster: The Solutions
We Have and the
Breakthroughs We Need
by Bill Gates
Out 16 February
climate change, Bill combines
decades of his own investigatory
research and presents it in a simple
and accessible way.
How to Calm It
by Grace Victory
Out now
As a creator,
podcaster, and
trainee counsellor,
our columnist Grace
Victory is well-equipped to inspire
readers to discover more about
the connection between the mind
and body. Including essential tips
for times when you need them
most, Grace’s guide is the perfect
accompaniment for our journey
of self-love, acceptance, and
understanding. It’s important to make
a conscious effort to value yourself
– mind and body – every day, and
Grace makes this a practical priority.
happiful.com | February 2021 | 61
 February
HAPPIFUL TOP 10

Wise up this February with our recommendations of experiences and tools to

stimulate your mind, and inspire you to get curious about the world around you

3 4
PUT ON A SHOW LEND US
YOUR EARS
Presentation party
A presentation party ‘Constantly
could be just the thing to get Evolving’

1
PAGE-TURNERS
The Panic Years by Nell Frizzell
Hailed as the “arm around
the shoulder of every woman
trying to navigate life’s big
decisions”, renowned journalist
you talking. Each person makes
a short slideshow presentation
on their chosen topic. But don’t
doze off just yet, the topics could
be as niche and funny as you
desire – from ‘best one-liners in
movie history’, to ‘countries with
the weirdest sayings’, or ‘why we
should all be team Jacob’. At the
end of the night, crown a winner.
(Make presentations for
free with Google Slides)
Tune-in as iconic rapper Eve
chats with a host of famous
faces, and voices, as they
candidly open up about the
lessons they’ve learned and
the wisdom they can share.
Series one is out now, and
features guests including
Paloma Faith, Noëlla
Coursaris Musunka, and
Henry Holland.
(Listen on BBC Sounds)

5
Nell Frizzell’s guide to the
biggest challenges faced
by women is the honest,
touching, and funny
introduction to the mother of
all questions: should I have a
baby?
(Out 11 February, £14.99, PLUGGED-IN
Bantam Press)

2
Calligraphy by Kiki
The art of calligraphy
OUT AND ABOUT comes with a host of
Historic walks mindful benefits, plus
History is all around us, it’s the perfect skill for
and it’s there for the taking. adding something
Discover historic sites in your area, follow in the footsteps of those special to cards and gifts for
who have come before us, and find a new perspective on what life loved ones. Follow Kiki as she
might have been like in the past. There are thousands of free and shares tips and tricks for
paid historical sites to visit all around the country – and they’re those interested in picking
ripe for exploration. up the pen.
(Find walks and sites by visiting english-heritage.org.uk) Follow @calligraphy.by.kiki

62 | happiful.com
 6
TECH TIP-OFFS
Vocabulary Builder
There’s nothing more satisfying
than finding the perfect word to express
a thought, feeling, or sentiment. The
Vocabulary Builder app helps you build
this knowledge, based on the “1,200 most
important words”. Work through the levels,
and put your knowledge to the test with
quizzes and recaps.
(Available on Android and iOS)
9
THE CONVERSATION
National Storytelling Week
The power of stories cannot be
underestimated. Tales have the ability to
transport us to other worlds and inspire us
to reflect on our own. Spend some time contemplating the
stories that have touched your life, share them with others,
and join in with online events and talks hosted by writers
and authors. (30 January to 6 February 2021. Sign up for
talks and find resources by visiting sfs.org.uk)

7
SQUARE EYES
The Queen’s Gambit
Based on the 1983 novel of the
same title, The Queen’s Gambit tells the
10 GET GOING
Retroglow
Fitness should be fun, and these
Retroglow | retroglowstudios.com

story of a chess prodigy as she rises to vintage-inspired online fitness

the top, while also combating drug and classes have joy at their core. From
alcohol addictions. This series has been dance experiences to retro-workouts,
quickly binged and added to many step back in time, connect with
people’s to-watch lists since its release your body, and find happiness in
– for a good reason. Beautifully shot movement. Legwarmers optional.
and brilliantly acted, this series is one to (Class prices start at £3.50, visit
get lost in. (Available on Netflix) retroglowstudios.com to book)

8 TREAT YOURSELF
The Crop Club – Mini growing kit
Always been interested in gardening but don’t know where to start? Or struggle to find
WIN!
the time and space? A social enterprise on a mission to help people grow food in small
places, the growing kits from The Crop Club are the perfect thing for green fingers. The
mini kit includes everything you need to get started growing windowsill herbs and edible
flowers, and to bring the joy of growing food into the home. (£14.50, thecropclub.com)

Win a Crop Club mini growing kit

Start your green-fingered journey today. To enter, simply email your answer to the
following question to competitions@happiful.com
Which scent is most commonly associated with sleep and relaxation?
a) Peppermint b) Sandlewood c) Lavender
One winner will be chosen at random. Competition closes 18 February. UK mainland and Northern Ireland only. Good luck!

happiful.com | 63
 How to find hygge in your home
As the winter months draw in, what could be more appealing than embracing the
essence of Danish cosiness? Here we share three essential tips for making the most
of what you already have at home – and it doesn’t have to cost you a thing!

Writing | Becky Wright Illustrating | Rosan Magar

S
ince we’re spending more
time inside than usual
this winter, it really does
feel like hibernation
season. So, there’s never been
a better time to embrace the
concept of hygge.
In recent years, hygge
(pronounced “hoo-gah”) has
become a buzzword, with more
of us buying fluffy throws and
candles every winter to have
hygge-like homes. But, there’s
more to it than just an interiors
trend, and a certain aesthetic.
The word comes from Denmark,
and is used to acknowledge a
feeling or moment that is “cosy,
charming or special”. The Danes
created hygge to help them cope
with long, dark days, so, in its
simplest form, hygge is about
creating light and warmth in a

season when light and warmth
feel scarce. It encourages you to
create a cosy atmosphere and
find happiness in your home.
And the best news is you don’t
need to buy anything or make
your home look a certain way.
So, you can remove that gorgeous
but eye-wateringly expensive
nordic-looking blanket from your
online shopping basket. Instead,
what it requires is a sense of
mindfulness, and an ability to
savour a moment.
Use these simple tips to help
you come back to the original
meaning of hygge:
TAKE YOUR TIME
The first step to embracing
hygge is to slow right down. Give
yourself the time to be aware of
the light and warm moments in
your life.
You can start with your morning
cup of tea or coffee. Don’t gulp it
down while trying to multitask
your way through your morning
routine. Take a couple of minutes
to be still, and savour each sip.
RELAX BY CANDLELIGHT
Lighting is key for bringing hygge
into your home. In the evening,
shut yourself off from the outside
wellbeing
world by closing your blinds or
WHAT MAKES
curtains, then dim the lights to
A HAPPY HOME?
create a warm glow around you.
Don’t underestimate the power
Research shows that, often,
of a candle. You don’t need to
when it comes to our homes,
completely fill the room with tea
we look for happiness in the
lights, even the flickering light from
wrong places.
a single candle is enough to achieve
A common aspiration is to
the relaxing and comforting
want a home that is bigger
atmosphere of hygge. Watching the
and better. But, according
flame provides a mindful moment
to a 2017 study of 1,000 UK
that can help you to declutter your
households by PhD student
mind as well.
Chris Foye, size doesn’t
This can benefit you when it
equal happiness. In fact,
comes to bedtime, too. Creating
if the number of rooms
a dark, cosy atmosphere allows
per person goes above
your melatonin to work effectively,
four, there’s no increase in
which is needed for deep
housing satisfaction at all.
restorative sleep.
And, although there might
be an initial increase in
BRING THE OUTSIDE IN
happiness when moving into
Nature can lift our spirits without us
a larger home, this wears off
even noticing. If you can, try to get
by 30% after just three years.
outside every day. Consider going
So, if size isn’t important,
for a walk on a frosty morning –
perhaps it’s what’s inside
you’ll have even more reason to cosy
that counts?
up when you get home.
In a 2019 European survey,
But, even if you can’t get out every
The Happiness Research
day, you can bring the outside in.
Institute asked more than
House plants and natural materials
13,000 people to evaluate
such as untreated woods or thick
how happy they are with
wools can bring a more natural
their homes. The findings
feel into your home, and mean you
revealed that being happy
can be at one with nature while
with where and how we live
relaxing in the warmth.
isn’t just a question of having
sufficient heating, good
light, and plenty of space. It’s
also about how we feel and
express ourselves through
our homes. Pride is a core
emotion when it comes to
feeling happy at home.
happiful.com | February 2021 | 65
 How you love yourself is how
you teach others to love you
“
RUPI KAUR, MILK AND HONEY
Photography | Sincerely Media

66 | February 2021 | happiful.com

 true story

A new sense of identity

Following a serious accident, Philip’s life was turned upside down.
But on the road to recovery, he found a new sense of freedom
when he reconnected with the world around him
Writing | Philip Sheridan

I
t was a mild, early autumn day back in 2002
when I set out on my Triumph motorbike to
ride the classic winding North Yorkshire roads
to Whitby. But I never arrived.
Not far from the safety of the small harbour
town, my bike broke loose from the road and
I slipped straight under the front wheel of an
oncoming 25-tonne lorry. It probably doesn’t
need saying, but it was a catastrophic near-fatal
accident. Lying on the road, facing the sky,
unable to feel my right leg, I had no idea what, if
any, future lay ahead of me. But I knew nothing
would be the same.
Somewhere between the quietness of that
remote moorland road and the crucible of
intensive care, my life became unrecognisable.
For almost a decade, I had been working
long shifts in an emotionally and physically
demanding job as a children’s therapist within
a dedicated therapeutic unit. I enjoyed the
camaraderie of a close-knit team, and had
become a team leader and manager. On my days
off, I restored by immersing myself in the hills
and mountains close to my home on the edge of
the Yorkshire Dales. At weekends, I danced until
sunrise in the neon nightlife of Leeds.
All of that came to an abrupt end. The
devastation of the crash had left me with multiple
injuries to my legs, hands, shoulders, head, and
torso, the eventual amputation of my right leg just
below the knee, and the long-term effects of post-
traumatic stress and depression. To hear that no
one expects you to live, and then when I did to hear
that you may never walk again, and then when
I did learn to walk, to lose my career, home and
a few of my friends along the way – let’s just say,
without too much melodrama, that I have spent
many days in the depths of despair and depression.
To survive, I had to reach inside and draw on all
my resources, which included learning to reach out
to those around me. As a professional therapist,
I knew the emotional impact of limb loss would
prove one of my most difficult challenges. While
still in St James’s Hospital, Leeds, I referred myself
for therapy sessions with a clinical psychologist
who specialised in people’s experience of trauma.
I made sure to involve my family and friends in
my emotional journey, too. I realised they would
also feel the effect of my trauma and limb loss. In
other words, we would all need to dig deep in our
own ways to travel this journey together. In order
to thrive, I needed to not just learn to walk again,
but to return to the active lifestyle and green spaces
that had previously helped restore me, albeit in a
different ways. This is where my years of martial
arts practice came to serve me.
A daily practice of martial arts teaches us that
progress comes with perseverance, and patience. >>>

happiful.com | February 2021 | 67

 To learn more about Philip’s work, visit
www.philip-sheridan.com
To learn to walk again after three months in
hospital and eight significant operations, time
at home to heal was won only through much
blood, sweat, and tears. Sadly, not everyone I met
travelling this arduous journey of recovery made it
to the finish line.
Today, I still remain engaged in the study and
practice of martial arts, only now for different
reasons. I started a small business in 2016 called
Discover Tai Chi with my girlfriend, Helen,
teaching Tai Chi for health and wellness.
As part of continuing my road to recovery I
sought out a life coach to help me to explore my
new sense of identity, and help me to focus on
what I could do rather than on what I couldn’t.
Tentatively, I began to try new activities with a
renewed sense of exploration. With the spirit to
discover the possible rather than the impossible,
I found kindness and collaboration – the keys to
unlocking some of the doors that initially barred
my progress. I turned to the vertical dance of
rock climbing and, several years later, to trail
running with a ‘blade’ running leg. On the slabs
and overhangs of a cliff, or deep in a forest trail
running, I felt free. This period marked a return
to a connection with nature I had always enjoyed
before my accident. Only now the green spaces
68 | February 2021 | happiful.com
Photography (right) | Kate Bamber
With the spirit to discover the possible
rather than the impossible, I found
kindness and collaboration
offer me a healing balm to the trauma I had
survived but still struggled to understand.
In 2011, I left my career working with children
and families and began teaching part-time as a
facilitator, mentor, and patient teacher on the
five-year MBChB Medicine and Surgery course at
the School of Medicine, University of Leeds. I had
the pleasure and privilege to receive invitations
to offer keynote speeches at conferences, guest
lecture around the country to student groups, and
contribute to clinical leadership courses too.
One particular moment that stands out for me is
when, in 2013, the prosthetics team at NHS Leeds
nominated me for the Limbless Association
Prosthetic and Orthotic Awards. In December
that same year I had the honour and privilege
to travel down to Westminster, in London, to
receive the Award for Inspiration. I dedicated the
Photography: Left | Helen Parsons, Right | Kate Bamber
award to work of the medical teams who saved
my life, and the unstinting love and support
of my family, friends, and colleagues without
whom I could not have taken on the immense
journey of recovery.
I began to write and collate prose and poetry as
a therapeutic process. Those early pieces acted,
as one of my therapists said, “as windows that
offer other people a view into your life living
with significant trauma”. With the ongoing
support and encouragement, I produced my
first short collection of poetry called Heart On
The Mountain, which I self-published in 2013. It’s
publication, in many ways, enabled me to draw
a line between the event that changed my life so
irrevocably to the life I now live and enjoy.
OUR EXPERT SAYS
Philip had a good life, but a motorbike accident
brought many changes and unexpected
challenges, including having to cope with
the loss of a limb and learning to walk again.
Rather than feeling defeated, he gradually
accepted his new reality, and the support from
friends, family and professionals transformed
his life. He found ways of expressing himself
and helping others that gave his life real
true story
In 2015, I produced and directed a short film of a
spoken word poem written by me and performed
by Patient Carer Community members at the
School of Medicine, University of Leeds. Called
Voices of a Patient, it features the late Dr Kate
Granger MBE, the founder of the #hellomynameis
campaign, whom I had the pleasure of working
with at the School of Medicine. And in September
2020, I published my second collection of poetry
called Crossing the River Lethe.
Looking back, if I could speak with the traumatised
and frightened man who lay on the road after
such a terrible accident I’d offer, by way of advice,
that the crisis of trauma will change your life in
unimaginable ways. Expect ups and downs, good
progress followed by setbacks, but always look for
the seed of opportunity within.
Opportunities lead to new friendships and
adventures I would never have contemplated had
my life not flipped and turned upside down. Take
each day one step at a time, with a sense of hope and
openness to what may arrive over the horizon.
meaning. Often, when it comes to periods
of change or endings, we focus on what we
have lost. But, as Philip’s story shows, it can
be far more beneficial to accept
the support around us, to
help us see the doors that are
opening, too.
Graeme Orr | MBACP (Accred) counsellor
happiful.com | February 2021 | 69
 Photography: Joe Wicks | Andrew Burton, Professor Green | Courtesy of Aguulp, Adrienne Herbert | Nathan Gallagher
I am. I have
THE HAPPIFUL PODCAST

BRYONY GORDON
SHAHROO IZADI GRACEJOE WICKS
VICTORY

PROFESSOR GREEN
MEGAN CRABBE ADRIENNE HERBERT
FIONA LAMB

• Listen • Share • Subscribe •

Listen to conversations with Bryony Gordon, Joe Wicks, Profession Green,
Adrienne Herbert, and many others, who share their passions, and
reveal the moments that shaped them.

70 | February 2021 | happiful.com

 wellbeing

Normal?
no such
thing...
Founder of Mental Health Mates, writer and podcast host
Bryony Gordon shares her thoughts about working on wellness,
understanding your inner voice, and building personal resilience
Writing | Lucy Donoughue

C
hatting with Bryony
Gordon is like picking
up a conversation you
put on hold to answer
the door. It feels familiar, every
day, and easy. She has a knack
of speaking about some of the
toughest topics in mental health
with a normality that encourages
others to open up too, which is
why she’s interviewed everyone
from Prince Harry to frontline
nurses, witnessed their darkest
reflections, and shared their
hopes with millions of listeners
on her podcast ‘Mad World’.
If we all have a superpower then
Bryony’s, I suspect, is being very
real and honest about what she
believes in. That hasn’t always
been the case, as since she’s
lived with Pure O (a form of
obsessive compulsive disorder
centering around often deeply
frightening, intrusive thoughts)
since her pre-teens, Bryony
spent many of her formative
years suppressing what she was
really thinking, for fear of the
reaction from others. >>>

happiful.com | February 2021 | 71

 "
Through being
very unwell, I
have learnt an
awful lot about
being well
Today, and as a result of much
work on herself, Bryony is one of
the country’s most well-known
mental health advocates, and
has opened up a vast number of
conversations about the need to
smash the stigma that still sadly
exists around mental ill-health.
She’s adamant about her status
within that conversation too;
Bryony maintains she’s a constant
work in progress, learning about
herself as she shares with others
through her podcast, talks and
books, the latest of which is No
Such Thing as Normal.
Here, Bryony shares five
personal insights about living
with mental ill-health, reflections
on the past year, and finding your
inner strength.

The impact of mental

ill-health can be surprising
I’ve had OCD since I was a little
girl, and my first manifestation
was an overwhelming fear of
germs. So when the pandemic
hit, it didn’t trigger me in the way
you might think. I realised that
nothing I could do would change
the situation, and the fact that we
were all locking down together
felt like a walk in the park
compared with the times I’ve had

72 | February 2021 | happiful.com


to lockdown in my head all alone.
I think that perspective might
resonate with a lot of people who
have experienced mental illness.
Know that your inner voice
isn’t always right
I imagine my OCD and
alcoholism as a figure that’s
invaded my brain, and it has a
voice that’s indistinguishable
from my own, so I think it’s me,
and I have to remind myself that
it’s not. Sometimes if I want to do
something, I shouldn’t do it, and
if I don’t want to do something, I
should do it! For example, I don’t
want to get out of bed, I don’t
want to go for a run – but I tell
myself to just do it. We really have
to recognise that our brains don’t
always want the best for us, and
circumvent that.
We need to work at wellness
When I first got sober, the
cravings for alcohol were there
every night for months. I was
physically exhausted from
fighting them and the thought
that it would be easier to give in.
Now, alcohol crosses my mind
occasionally, but I just think
“that’s interesting, my brain is
telling me I should have a drink,
better short-circuit that” and I
move onto the next thing. The
more we work at our wellness and
learn, the easier it gets.
"
I can say now that
some of the best
things in my life
have come from
some of the worst
Our life and health evolves
I realised that I was using food
as a real comfort throughout
lockdown, in the same way that
lots of people were using alcohol
– but that’s not an option that’s
open to me.
I was bulimic for 10 years of my
life, and I thought that because
I wasn’t purging, I was only
bingeing, it was fine. But I came
to understand through writing
No Such Thing As Normal that I’ve
been brought quite low through
binge-eating, so now I’m going to
do some work around that. Life
is a process, and these things
happen to us as our lives evolve.
wellbeing
Mental illness can build your
personal resilience
Through being very unwell, I
have learnt an awful lot about
being well. I’m not saying
that mental ill-health is a gift,
because clearly it’s not. I can’t
change it though – my brain,
for some reason, has chosen to
create some coping mechanisms
that don’t work. So I have to work
with what I have, and through
doing that I’ve realised that I am
actually quite a resilient person
– I’m quite strong! I can say now
that some of the best things in
my life have come from some of
the worst.
‘No Such Thing as Normal’ by Bryony
Gordon is out now (Headline, £14.99).
You can also listen to Bryony’s
thoughts on mental health
and learning every day on
Happiful’s podcast, ‘I am. I have’.
happiful.com | February 2021 | 73
 “
Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow
has not yet come. We only
have today. Let us begin
MOTHER TERESA
Photography | John Vicente

74 | happiful.com

I’ll be there
for you
A kind gesture can go a long
way, so here are four simple
ways you can make a loved
one feel appreciated
Writing | Chelsea Graham
Now we’re cookin’!
Whether it’s an old family recipe,
or experimenting with something
new, mixing it up in the kitchen
can be a wonderful way to show
someone you’re thinking about
them. Why not surprise a friend
or family member by leaving a
delicious pre-made dish on their
doorstep, or drop off ingredients
for their favourite meal and do a
virtual cook-along? Sounds like
the recipe for success!
Do your homework
We all have our own personal
pursuits, but how much do you
really know about your loved
ones’ favourite things? Getting
out of your comfort zone and
learning about what makes your
friends, family members, or
partner tick can provide a great
way to connect – and show them
how much they mean to you.
Learning the rules of a sport
they’re passionate about will
mean that the next time they
invite you to a game you
can impress them with your
observations. Or brushing up on
the back story to their favourite
show could let you engage in a
fun debate. You could even read
one of their favourite books to
surprise them with your own
thoughts.
Lend a helping hand
Have you ever had that one
task on your to-do list that just
never gets ticked off? Don’t
worry, we’re all guilty of putting
things off from time to time,
whether it’s just a tedious job,
or something that induces
anxiety. But think how much
you’d appreciate it if someone
helped you tackle those dreaded
chores?
Listen out for when someone
in your household reveals a
task they’ve been avoiding, and
offer to help out. Maybe they
relationships
want to upcycle a wardrobe, or
organise the overflowing shed.
An extra set of hands could
make the chore much more
appealing – that little boost of
encouragement and some good
company will go a long way!
Call me, maybe
Nowadays, we might be more
familiar with using our mobiles
to online shop, read articles,
or scroll through social media.
But, funnily enough, they
do have a few other useful
features, too. A simple, but
meaningful way to remind
someone that they are in your
thoughts is to give them a call.
Receiving an unexpected call or
message from a friend can be
a really wonderful way to start
or finish a day. You don’t need a
rigid purpose for a chat, simply
hearing your voice could help
to reduce any stress or anxiety
they’re feeling.
happiful.com | 75
 Ditch the
drama:
how to set
boundaries
Friendship groups can be tricky to navigate, but as life
coach and author Michelle Elman shares, boundaries
can be powerful tools to ensure quality connections

E
ver felt the pain of
overhearing a friend
talking about you behind
your back? Or maybe
the guilt of knowing
you revealed a secret that was
shared with you in confidence?
Growing up, I always associated
friendships with drama, so
imagine my shock when I
discovered that this didn’t need
to be the case and that, rather
revolutionarily, friendships could
be simple. It was a long road to
get to that realisation though...
Rewind to 2011, and imagine
living in a room off a corridor
that connects your entire
friendship group – your very
large friendship group consisting
of 25 people. You are woken up by
someone shouting: “Nick got with
Charlotte last night!” You step out
of your room to find everyone
gathered outside Charlotte’s door,
because someone saw Nick go in
it last night. Half-asleep, you walk
up to the group of people only
to be pestered about what you
know because “you always know
everything”.
This was my life a decade ago.
Every day I was involved in
some new drama. Without the
qualifications of being the life
coach I am now, I was already

76 | February 2021 | happiful.com


I was the confidant, advice-giver,
and ‘mum’ of the friendship
group. While this was an honour
to be so trusted, as we matured, it
quickly became exhausting
the surrogate life coach of our
corridor, which meant I was
the confidant, advice-giver, and
‘mum’ of the friendship group.
While this was a compliment,
and initially an honour to be
so trusted, as we matured, it
quickly became exhausting.
The constant drama became
annoying, mind-numbingly
repetitive, and I didn’t want any
part of it anymore. The solution
to the drama? A big old dose of
boundaries.
Speaking now, with much more
understanding of the importance
of setting and respecting healthy
boundaries, here are four of my
essential tips to put these in place
– and ditch the drama.
1. TALK IT OUT
Stop talking about the person and
start talking to the person. The
relationships
only one who can solve your issue
is the person who caused the
issue. When there’s a problem, it
can be tempting to get people to
take sides and essentially create
teams within your friendship
group. In the situation above,
if you wanted to know about
Nick or Charlotte’s relationship,
the person to ask would have
been Nick or Charlotte, so that’s
exactly what I said: “It’s not my >>>
happiful.com | February 2021 | 77
 How to know when your boundaries are being crossed:

• Feeling anger or resentment. These emotions are your body's

way of telling you that a boundary has been crossed. When your
A friend is allowed to
self-esteem is low, it’s easy to question whether your anger or have privacy around
resentment is valid, but instead use these emotions as an alert something they are
system to notice when a boundary has been crossed, and needs
to be reinforced.
not ready to share, so
respect that by letting
• Replaying a conversation in your head. Have you ever wished them tell you in their
you had said something that you didn’t say in the moment? own time
Boundaries do not have a time limit, so you can bring up an
old conversation by simply saying: “Hey! Something you said about a third party, than if you
yesterday upset me, and I really want to talk about it.” were to share positive attitudes.
Within a friendship group,
• Interactions leave you feeling bad about yourself. Start to notice this is how toxic dynamics can
how the people in your life make you feel. We don’t always form, because if bitching about
process passive aggressive comments or snide remarks in the a mutual friend means you can
moment, but you may find later that day your mind is filled bond faster, it can be a tempting
with more self-doubt, or your inner critic is louder when you are tactic to use to create closeness.
around a certain person. Even if you can’t put your finger on While the research may show it
exactly why, trust yourself, and believe how you feel is legitimate. is effective, you need to be wary
of the consequences of this. If a
person is willing to speak about
information to share. Ask them.” Similarly if two friends are in an another friend behind their back
To do anything other than that argument, it’s tempting to want to get close to you, they will also
is to break confidence and trust, to mediate between the two, but be willing to get close to someone
and would be disrespecting doing so leads to what is known else by throwing you under the
boundaries. as ‘triangulation’ and creates a bus. It may be faster to make
more complicated relationship friends through mutual hatred,
2. STOP INVOLVING YOURSELF dynamic. Let your friends resolve but it is not a way to build a
IN OTHER PEOPLE’S BUSINESS their own differences, and by quality friendship.
An important boundary to learn doing so means your relationships
is how to say: “That is none of will be simpler, and one party 4. ASK FOR WHAT YOU NEED
my business.” Yes, you might be won’t feel like you are taking sides. A lot of people believe that a sign
curious, but standing outside of a good friendship is when your
someone’s door to find out details 3. STOP BONDING OVER HATE friend can predict what you need
about their secret relationship is There is a saying that the enemy without you even vocalising it.
an invasion of privacy – as in my of your enemy is your friend, Spoiler: it isn’t. And testing your
example. A friend is allowed to and research actually supports friendships by assuming they
have privacy around something this. A 2011 study by Weaver need to know all your needs
they are not ready to share, so and Bosson demonstrated without being told, isn’t going to
respect that by letting them tell this by showing that you build help anyone. If you want to see
you whatever it might be in their closeness with a stranger faster your friend more, tell them. If
own time. by sharing negative attitudes they never reply to your texts and

78 | February 2021 | happiful.com


it upsets you, tell them. A sign of
good friendship is an ability to
communicate, and being able to
be vulnerable enough to vocalise
when your needs aren’t being met.
What do you do if you set
boundaries and people refuse
to listen to you? At that point,
you need to make a call on
whether this is a friendship you
want. When a person repeatedly
ignores what you are asking for,
and dismisses your boundaries, it
is a sign of disrespect. Boundaries
are how you are asking to be
treated, and if that is being
ignored by a friend, is that person
really your friend after all?
relationships
If your friendship was a
contract, and your friend kept
breaking the terms of that
contract (“be supportive of
my wins”, “don’t talk about me
behind my back”), would you
keep renewing it? It’s sad to see
the end of a friendship and,
societally, we often take the end
of a friendship to be a sign of
our own personal failing, but it Michelle Elman is a five-board
isn’t a failure to insist on being accredited life coach, most known for
respected by those around you. her campaign ‘Scarred Not Scared’.
A good friend is better than an Discover more about the power of
old friend. You deserve to have boundaries in Michelle’s new book
‘The Joy of Being Selfish’, which is
friends you can trust, and you published 4 February 2021 (Welbeck,
know will support you, even £14.99), and is available to
when you aren’t in the room. pre-order on Amazon now.
happiful.com | February 2021 | 79
 How to recover while signed
off work for mental health
Being signed off work for your mental health is the first
step in your recovery. Here, we share some tips to help you
feel better, from someone who’s been there themselves

Writing | Amber Bryce Illustrating | Rosan Magar

W
hen I was signed
off work, looming
deadlines filled
my head while the
prospect of letting colleagues
down weighed heavily on my
already jumbled conscience.
After about two weeks of sleeping
the days away, barely eating, and
crying in the shower, I realised I
needed to get better – to untangle
my thoughts and figure out how
I’d reached this point. By taking
this time off, I was taking action,
and I was going to recover.
If you have recently been
signed off work because of
your mental health, it helps to
remember that you’re not alone.
Approximately one in four
people in the UK will experience
a mental health problem each
year, and almost 15% of these
are work-related. It’s far better
to take the time you need now
rather than risk feeling worse
further down the line.
Whether you’ve been signed off
for two months or two weeks, it
can be difficult to know what to do
next. But from someone who has
been where you are now, here are
some tips on how to best manage
this time.
1. SWITCH OFF COMPLETELY
First things first, stop feeling
guilty about work. Set up an out of
office on your email, and delete
any work-related apps from your
phone. In fact, put your phone
completely out of reach if it tempts
you to check things. Once you’ve
informed your employer you’re
taking a break, they should know
to keep their distance, and only
check-in when appropriate. In
the meantime, concentrate on
yourself – and remember that you
are more than just your job.
2. MAINTAIN STRUCTURE
You may want to climb into bed
and stay there forever. Mental
illness is a master at
masking reality, which is
why it’s so important to
fight back by implementing
daily routines. Set an alarm
every morning. Brush your
teeth, eat three meals a day,
and change your clothes. Even
if you can only do something very
small, like splashing cold water on
your face, it’s still an achievement.
These are the things that make us
feel human again.
3. BE SOCIAL
A common misconception about
being signed off work is that you
shouldn’t leave the house. My
doctor actually advised going away
somewhere, because staying inside
all day is only going to fuel the
isolating impact of mental illness.
While lockdown may restrict your
options for the time being, you can
still go out in the fresh air for your
daily exercise, do the food shop, or
call a friend for a catch-up. Being

80 | February 2021 | happiful.com


honest about your situation with
others will help you to feel lighter,
as well as offering perspective.
4. ONE THING AT A TIME
You don’t need to have
everything figured out by the
time you return to work. Life is
overwhelming, and recovery is
a journey, so tackling things bit-
by-bit makes the obstacles along
the way seem more manageable.
I did this by writing to-do lists.
Every morning I would write
three things – only three. At the
end of each day, I would tick
them off and feel a little boost in
confidence. For example: take
medication, do the washing up,
cuddle the cat. As time goes on
you’ll find yourself tackling more
challenging things.
A common misconception about
being signed off work is that
you shouldn’t leave
the house
5. SEE YOUR DOCTOR
REGULARLY
The most essential step to
recovery is staying in regular
contact with your doctor. Make
appointments, keep track of
your medication, and look
into other forms of support
such as counselling – a lot of
professionals now offer online
or over-the-phone sessions,
too. When you feel ready to
go back, work with your GP
to discuss a phased return to
ease you back in with reduced
hours or days, depending on
your circumstances. Sometimes
returning to work can be the best
thing, giving your life back the
structure and support it needs.
wellbeing
6. GET OUTSIDE
Try to walk somewhere at
least once a day, even if it’s just
down the road for a bottle of
milk. Being physically active,
especially in green spaces, has
been shown to improve self-
perception and self-esteem,
reduce anxiety, and even help
those who are depressed to
recover. The breeze on your
skin and the sound of the trees
rustling overhead brings you
into the present moment,
making you aware of your
surroundings and less consumed
by your thoughts. The more I
walked, the more alive I felt,
contemplating a future that
made me hopeful again.
happiful.com | February 2021 | 81
 Professor Green:
A gut feeling
Musician, documentary maker, and entrepreneur,
Stephen Manderson – AKA Professor Green – has
never shied away from difficult subjects. In this
candid chat, he opens up about echo chambers,
activism, and his journey with gut health
Writing | Kathryn Wheeler
S
tephen Manderson became a
prolific voice in the mental health
conversation when he released his
first documentary in 2015, Suicide
and Me. Of course, mental health
has always been part of Stephen’s life – both
in regards to his own experience and that of
his close family, including his father, whose
suicide is a central topic in the documentary.
Six years on, and Stephen is still as focused
on bringing mental health into the spotlight
as he was in 2015. And, reflecting on the
progress that both he personally, and the
conversation at large, has made since then,
Stephen believes that there is, equally, a lot
more work to be done, as well as reasons to
be hopeful.
“When I was a kid, there was no
conversation around mental health.
The only time I ever heard ‘mental’ was
when someone was getting cordoned,”
he says. “That said, I think it’s a shame
that, statistically, things are not getting
82 | February 2021 | happiful.com
better. We have to get to a point where
Images | Courtesy of Aguulp
conversations are actions. I saw this when I
did the child poverty documentary [Living
in Poverty]. I was literally just sitting in an
echo chamber, everyone agreed with my
thoughts and feelings on those subjects,
and not one single member of government
showed up. You have to get in the room
with people who either think differently, or
who don’t understand.
“I’ll go into prisons and talk to inmates
– places where they have to put a face on
and they’re not allowed to show emotion,
because if they show any sign of weakness,
it can land them in trouble,” Stephen
continues. “There are a lot of people who
are suffering with their mental health and
they’re not aware of what to do, because in
our culture it’s not really discussed – you’re
not allowed to be weak. But owning your
vulnerability makes you a stronger person
than trying to suppress your feelings.
Because whenever you try to hold anything
 feel-good food

Owning your
vulnerability
makes you a
stronger person
down, it ends up coming to hit
you sideways.”
As well as his ability to clearly
articulate difficult subjects,
one of the main reasons that
Stephen is such a powerful
voice in the mental health
conversation is that he speaks
from his own experience. That
said, I wonder whether, when
talking about mental health
in the public space, there is
a certain pressure to be the
‘after’ photo in a ‘before and
after’ of good mental health?
To have already conquered the
challenges, and be speaking
from the ‘other side’?
“I think that goes back to
always wanting to fix things,
whether it’s in other people
or ourselves,” Stephen says.
“There isn’t really a ‘before’
and ‘after’. Someone asked
me how I got over my
anxiety while being in the
public eye – but I don’t
think I’m cured. I don’t
think my anxiety has
gone away. And I actually
think there have been
points in my life where it’s
probably saved my life –
fight or flight, you know?
We have fight or flight and
it’s for survival, but you
shouldn’t be just surviving. >>>

happiful.com | February 2021 | 83

 Aguulp for Brain, Aguulp for Gut,
Aguulp for Immunity, and
Aguulp Gut Test can be purchased
exclusively at aguulp.com

You should be living and enjoying

your life.
“I do believe that the only
way to get through anything is
to keep on going. That’s very
matter of fact, but it’s also true.
And sometimes progression is
not a step forward, just a step
backwards, or it’s a step sideways
– it’s not a straightforward
journey, not about mental health
or gut health, either.”
Gut health and mental health
are intrinsically linked, in ways
many of us are just beginning to
understand. Stephen’s journey
with gut health began as a baby,
when he had to have surgery
to empty his stomach. Then, in
2017, his stomach was partially
paralysed during surgery for a
hernia. Throughout his childhood Stephen was eventually given
and into adulthood, Stephen a diagnosis of irritable bowel
would experience crippling syndrome (IBS), a condition
stomach pain, IBS, and reflux.
It was only later that he realised What I didn’t that a study by the Mayo Clinic
revealed is more likely to be
the physical symptoms he was
experiencing were connected to
realise was that experienced by those who have

the tummy aches

his mental health.
“I had an operation when I
was six weeks old, so every
time I said, ‘Nan, I’ve got a belly
lived through trauma – be this
divorce, bereavement, accidents,
were actually natural disasters, abuse, or any
other kind of trauma.
anxiety – it took “A lot of people who experience

me until my 20s to
ache,’ it would be straight to the psychological trauma end up
doctor, and from the doctor to with IBS, and a lot of people with
the hospital,” he explains. “They
would do all these investigations,
work that one out IBS suffer psychological trauma,
so it’s a chicken and egg situation,
and would find nothing.” and mine was a combination of

84 | February 2021 | happiful.com


both,” he continues. “My dad was
in and out of my life, my mum
was there more consistently, but
she left home when I was a year
old, and I was brought up by
my grandmother. I was lucky. I
know it doesn’t sound like a lucky
situation, but I genuinely was.
“I was a bright child, but my
school attendance was quite poor,
largely because of my tummy
aches. And what I didn’t realise
was that the tummy aches were
actually anxiety – it took me until
my 20s to work that one out, and
to draw any kind of link.”
For more from Stephen, tune-in
to our podcast ‘I am. I have’
With the benefit of hindsight,
and a greater understanding of
how the gut and brain interact,
Stephen’s latest venture is
dedicated to arming others
with the tools they need to
take back a degree of control
over their physical and mental
health. Teaming up with
friend and entrepreneur Kevin
Godlington, and supplement
manufacturer Nutrivitality,
Stephen has released a range
of supplements with his new
business Aguulp – which offers
three liquid supplements
feel-good food
targeted to support immunity,
brain, and gut health, for better
overall wellbeing.
“They say, ‘you are what you
eat’. Sounds simple, doesn’t
it? But it really does have an
effect,” Stephen says. “My great-
grandmother always said, ‘A little
bit of what you like, won’t hurt
you.’ It’s always been the periods
of excess in my life – I start to
fall into a negative cycle. I wasn’t
sleeping well because I wasn’t
exercising. So my sleep was
disrupted, and then I was eating
crap, and they all went together.”
It’s a trap: lacking the energy
to fuel our bodies correctly,
and then as a result not having
the energy to make a change.
Stephen’s been there, too.
That said, it seems the key is to
find the energy needed to break
that cycle, however that may
be. For Stephen, this realisation
came to him after many years
of pain and confusion. And
others will have a similar story,
as we are only just beginning to
understand the complex, ongoing
relationship between our bodies
and minds. But by sharing his
experiences, Stephen is part of
the movement of people that are
consolidating the experiences
of many, and telling you – when
things feel hard and you’re
struggling to work out why – to
trust your gut feeling.
happiful.com | February 2021 | 85
 L o v e
l a n g u a g e s
NOW YOU’RE TALKING
Learn how to discover you and your partner’s love languages,
and unlock a whole new level of communication
Writing | Kathryn Wheeler
C
ommunication – we
all know it’s one of the
key factors in a healthy,
happy relationship. But,
when it comes to expressing love,
what happens if you’re speaking
entirely different languages?
The concept of “love languages”
comes from author Dr Gary
Chapman in his bestselling
book The 5 Love Languages. The
idea is that everyone gives and
receives love in different ways
but, for most of us, our primary
preference can be sorted into
one of five categories: words of
affirmation, quality time, gifting,
acts of service, and physical
touch. As Dr Chapman sees it, the
key to relationship bliss is to learn
to speak yours, and your partner’s,
languages.
86 | February 2021 | happiful.com
Artwork | Charlotte Reynell
But the good news is you
don’t have to sign up for night
school to become fluent in these
methods of communication. In
fact, all it takes is a bit of time,
understanding, and the question,
‘How can I love you?’
“To work out your own love
language, take some time to
reflect on what your partner does
that makes you feel special and
loved,” says Bibi Jamieson, an
integrative psychotherapeutic
counsellor and couples therapist.
“Next, think about, and notice,
what you do that makes your
partner light up, and then share
your findings with each other.”
How often do we take the time
to have ‘relationship check-ins’?
In long-term relationships, it can
be easy to get to the point where
you feel as though you and your
partner know everything there
is to know about each other.
But whether you’re still in the
honeymoon phase, or you’re
hurtling towards your ruby
anniversary, taking the time to
learn each other’s love languages
can unlock a whole new level of
intimacy.
“We connect more by learning
how to speak and receive in our
partner’s language,” says Bibi.
“Where previously, you might
have felt frustrated, because no
matter how hard you tried, you
just couldn’t please each other
– or disappointed because your
expectations were not met – now
it becomes exciting to learn each
other’s language. What’s really
lovely is when you realise all

Quality time
“This is the gift of your
presence,” says Bibi. “Love
is expressed by taking the
time to give your partner
undivided attention.” Of
course, just spending time
together doesn’t necessarily
equate to quality time,
you need to really be
present with each other,
without distractions. “If this
is your love language, put
boundaries around your
dedicated time together, for
example, putting devices
away and making an effort
to be uninterrupted.”
the times you have been shown
love in the past. For example, if
your partner’s language is acts of
service, you realise all those cups
of tea brought to you in bed were
an ‘I love you’.”
As Bibi sees it, learning how
to speak each other’s love
languages is about feeling secure,
appreciated, and seen. And this
stretches beyond how we express
love to teach us more about
our preferences and behaviour
– for example, you might now
relationships
understand why your partner,
who values quality time
together, may not be so keen on
group outings and double dates.
Of course, there are some
pitfalls to watch out for. As
Bibi puts it, even if you and
your partner have the same
love language, you may speak
different dialects. For example,
you both might be into physical
touch, but could still have
different preferences on how,
where, and when. >>>
happiful.com | February 2021 | 87
 Words of affirmation
“If this is your love
language, written and
verbal expressions of love
light you up,” Bibi says.
Words of affirmation
include compliments,
encouragement, expressions
of gratitude, and other
reminders of your feelings.
As Bibi explains, this
could include leaving an
encouraging sticky-note in
your partner’s lunchbox, an
“I love you” text or email,
or just regular reminders
of how you feel. However,
Bibi has a word of warning:
with this love language,
words are powerful, and
so harsh words, sarcasm,
and criticism may be taken
to heart, and not easily
forgotten.

Acts of service
“A helping hand is an act of love. Asking, ‘What can I do to help?” is
your way of saying ‘I love you’,” Bibi says. Acts of service could be
anything from helping out with chores, to doing practical things to To work out your own love
make your partner’s life easier. “Actions speak louder than words
language, take some time
here, so if you say you’ll do it – do it,” Bibi warns. “Likewise, these
people need affirmation when they do something for you. Say: ‘I
to reflect on what your
see you changed the sheets today. Thank you.’” partner does that makes
you feel special and loved
“Another important point affirmation as an indulgence, extravagant presents may upset
to make is that our historical such a person might either crave someone who believes presents
and cultural beliefs may value these words of affirmation or, only come on special occasions.
or devalue one language over conversely, really struggle to This is why it’s really important to
another,” Bibi adds. “For example, actually give words of affirmation. check-in regularly with each other,
if one partner comes from Likewise with gift-giving – to make sure you’re speaking the
a culture that sees words of someone who believes in giving right dialect of love to each other.”

88 | February 2021 | happiful.com

 relationships

While love languages for, and find love in whatever Gifting

are a really great tool for
understanding ourselves
and others, it’s important to
remember that human beings
rarely fit well into boxes, and you
may actually find that your own
language is a slight deviation on
the big five, or that you identify
with more than one.
“In fact most people have
at least two primary love
languages,” adds Bibi. “The
more languages you speak, the
more open you are to giving and
receiving love.
“Imagine having a bank
account where you can only
pay in cash over the counter,
and then imagine one where
you can pay in cash, cheques,
bank transfers, and in different
currencies. There would be fewer
barriers for people to pay you,
wouldn’t there? Likewise with
love languages, your love tank
will be more accessible and easily
filled. You can express love, look
language your loved one speaks.
And that is a beautiful thing.”
As with anything new, love
languages can take time and
patience to master, but the payoff
could be huge – and not just for
your relationship. “It might be
time to start speaking these five
love languages to ourselves, to
love ourselves the way we want to
be loved,” considers Bibi. “Let’s
make me-time important, being
present with our feelings, buying
ourselves little gifts, encouraging
and affirming ourselves, and give
ourselves a pat on the back or a
warm hug that says: ‘I see you, I
love you, I accept you.’”
For yourself or for your
relationship, the truth is every
time we discover something new
about ourselves, and the things
that we want and need to make us
happy, navigating the challenges
that we face becomes a little bit
easier – and that’s something that
speaks to the heart.
This one comes with some
misconceptions, and
Bibi’s quick to point out it
isn’t about materialism.
“Thoughtful and
meaningful gifts are visual
representations of love that
have emotional value to
the receiver,” she explains.
“Gifts can be free, expensive
or inexpensive, and they
express that you care, pay
attention, and take time to
think about your partner.”
If this is your partner’s love
language, Bibi recommends
taking note of the things
that they like, and being
sure to show excitement
and enthusiasm when both
giving and receiving gifts.

Physical Touch
This one is about more than just sex. “Body language and the right
touch can express concern, care, understanding, or joy,” says Bibi. “If Bibi is an integrative
this is your partner’s love language, ask them, ‘How do you like to be psychotherapeutic counsellor and
couples therapist. She also volunteers
touched? When? Where? How?’ A massage, a hug, a foot rub, a kiss
at mental health charity Headstrong,
on the forehead, a hand on the small of your back, hand-holding, and as a couples pre-marital guide
kisses, hair stroking, are all various ways to say ‘I love you’.” at HTB church. Find out more by
visiting counselling-directory.org.uk

happiful.com | February 2021 | 89

 try this at home
Self-care activities
Whether you’ve got five minutes or an hour,
there’s always something you can do to support
and nourish yourself. You deserve it
one minute
• Close your eyes and
breathe deeply.
• Drink a glass of water.
• Light a candle.
• Think of three things you are
truly grateful for today.
• Say an affirmation that
is meaningful to you.
• Look outside at the world
going by and allow yourself
to be in the moment.
• Smile.
five minutes
• Use hand lotion and take your
time to massage it in.
• Clear out one messy drawer.
• Put on your favourite outfit.
• Watch a funny video online.
• Make yourself a fancy coffee.
• Book that appointment with
your GP, dentist, therapist or
whoever you need right now.
• Try some gentle stretches for
your body.
• Help someone – it could be as
simple as holding open a door
or picking up groceries for your
neighbour.
90 | February 2021 | happiful.com
20 minutes
• Go old-school with pen
and paper, and write a
letter to a loved one.
• Try meditating.
• Do an exercise video.
• Go through one of your
social channels, and unfollow
accounts that aren’t good for
your self-esteem.
• Pick up that book you’ve
been wanting to start.
• Check-in with your emotions.
Recognise your feelings
without judgment.
• Call a friend.
one hour
• Go for a walk and take it all in.
• Unplug from technology.
• Get crafty and make
something – try origami,
knitting, or sketching.
• Get an early night if you can.
• Clear out your wardrobe, and
see what you can donate
to charity.
• Create a vision board.
• Get a massage.
• Listen to a podcast.
all-day activities
• Go phone-free for a day.
Ease the pressure of always
being on-call, and have a
day to yourself.
• Try a DIY home spa. Essential
oils, facemasks, and time to
relax. Idyllic.
• Do something that makes you
feel warm inside – it could be
watching a movie from your
childhood, or visiting a place
that makes you feel nostalgic.
• Set a notification to get up
every hour and move around. It
could be walking to the kitchen
to make a cup of tea, or around
the block, but it’s good to get
that blood pumping.
• Donate some time to
volunteering.
• Binge-watch a new show.
• Learn something new – start
a language course, learn how
to flower arrange, or explore
photography.

Painful sex:
it’s time to speak up
What’s more painful, gritting our teeth during an intimate
moment or opening up emotionally?
Writing | Kat Nicholls
F
or women, discussions
about painful sex start
early. The fear of our first
time hurting can be enough
to put us off. The promise of it
getting better, however, spurs us
on. But what if, for some people, it
never gets better?
I remember feeling intense
shame when this happened to
me. At first I wondered if sex
was painful for everyone, and we
were all just acting to keep our
partners happy. But then I came
to the conclusion that I was in fact
the odd one out, and there was
something wrong with me.
The idea of telling anyone that
sex hurt (let alone a partner)
felt incomprehensible. It wasn’t
until I finally bit the bullet and
told a long-term boyfriend that
I decided to go to the doctor.
Our relationship was quickly
deteriorating, and I hoped that
sorting out our sex life would
keep us together.
After various tests, scans and
hospital appointments, I was
diagnosed with vestibulodynia, a
condition that causes pain when
the inner vulva/vagina is touched.
While the relationship wasn’t
salvageable in the end, I was
relieved to have a diagnosis. It
gave me something to work with.
My story doesn’t stand alone.
In a 2017 study published in the
International Journal of Obstetrics
and Gynaecology, it was revealed
that nearly one in 10 British
women find sex painful.
Zoe Hinchcliffe was 17 when
she started getting unusual
relationships
symptoms, including itching
and burning.
“Thinking sex was the
pinnacle of a relationship (it’s
not), I opted for painful and
excruciating sex over none at
all,” Zoe explains. “This wasn’t
wise and caused me more harm
than good, but it’s hard to think
clearly when a chronic illness
jumps into your life.”
After being misdiagnosed
with thrush, eventually Zoe was
referred to the gynaecology
department at the hospital
where she was diagnosed with
vulvodynia, which is pain of the
vulva (even without touch).
“Interestingly, many GPs
still aren’t familiar with this
term when I visit the doctors,”
Zoe adds. “This is why it’s so >>>
happiful.com | February 2021 | 91

I opted for painful and
excruciating sex over
none at all
important to get increased
publicity and funding on these
issues, so misdiagnosis doesn’t
happen and better solutions can
be found for women.”
Raising awareness of the
various pain issues both women
and men can experience is
key. As well as vestibulodynia
and vulvodynia, women can
experience pain through
lack of arousal/lubrication,
after childbirth, and due to
vaginismus – a condition that
causes the vagina muscles to
involuntarily clench.
For men, psychosexual therapist
Charlotte Simpson explains that
conditions such as Peyronie’s
disease can cause erections to
92 | February 2021 | happiful.com
be painful, as well as phimosis,
where the foreskin is too tight.
“Chronic prostatitis can cause
pain on ejaculation, and men
with post-orgasmic illness
syndrome often report feeling
unwell after ejaculation,”
Charlotte says. “Coital headache
is also a problem for some
individuals, where headaches
occur due to sexual arousal.”
So it’s safe to say, there are a lot
of reasons sex may not feel as
good as advertised for all of us.
What can we do about it?
This is the million-dollar
question, isn’t it? To start
with, Charlotte highlights the
importance of visiting your GP if
you have been experiencing pain
during sex.
“It’s important to consult a GP
as it could be due to a number of
infections or conditions, such as
thrush, trichomoniasis, genital
herpes or conditions such as
endometriosis, IBS, fibroids, and
pelvic inflammatory disease.”
Your doctor will also be able
to refer you to hospital for
further testing and diagnosis
if required. Being persistent
here is key. As uncomfortable
as it may feel talking about your
sex life to a stranger, if you’re
continuing to feel pain during
sex it’s important to keep telling
your doctor until you get an
accurate diagnosis, and can start
treatment.
The treatment you’re offered
will depend on your diagnosis,
and will often use a multi-
pronged approach.
“If the issue has psychological
causes, it may be treated

with help from a qualified
psychosexual therapist,”
Charlotte explains. “If the
causes are physical, your GP
may be able to help or refer you
to a specialist. A combination
of psychological therapy and
medical treatment can also be
very effective.”
Elaborating on how
psychosexual therapy can
help, Charlotte says it gives us
the opportunity to understand
how our bodies respond,
identify what turns us on and
off, and work out what makes
it feel better including various
sexual positions/activities since
“penetrative intercourse is not
the gold standard of sex”!
The treatment itself, just like
sex, isn’t always straightforward.
After being put on nerve
suppressants, using anaesthetic
gels and dilators, which didn’t
help, Zoe said she was finally
offered a women’s counsellor.
“However, at that time I wasn’t
really open to talking about it, as
I just couldn’t comprehend the
chronicity of the diagnosis, and
how I would ever cope with it. I
stopped all treatment that wasn’t
working for me, and just had to
accept my condition and hope
that things would change in the
future.”
When asked what did help, Zoe
explains it was as simple, and
difficult, as talking about it with
her respective partner.
“Unlike before where during sex
I would just grit my teeth, bear it
and then suffer afterwards, now I
own my emotions and I am more
honest with the other person as
to how it feels. If it doesn’t feel
good, I stop.”
Zoe says this was somewhat
of a revelation for her, noting
that as hetrosexual women,
sexual enjoyment isn’t always
painted equally. Realising that
by not expressing her needs, she
was harming herself, changed
everything.
This new-found
ability to curate
a pain-free sex
life gave me a
huge sense of
empowerment
“For my own benefit, I’m
now willing to, and capable of,
navigate around the pain so I
can still have fun,” Zoe says. “It
gave me an insight into how
sex doesn’t always have to be
penetrative to be exciting. This
new-found ability to curate a
pain-free sex life gave me a huge
sense of empowerment.”
Hearing that communication
was key for Zoe resonates with
me. After the relationship I was
in ended, I buried my issues
until I met my current partner.
I knew that being honest with
him was the only way we would
navigate it, and that’s exactly
what’s happened. I would
be lying if I said things were
perfect, but we’re working on
it, and while we haven’t yet
explored psychosexual therapy,
we know it’s an option.
relationships
Find support
Learning more about your
condition and talking to others
who are experiencing similar
problems can be helpful:
Visit the vulvalpainsociety.org
for information and support
groups for those experiencing
vulval pain.
If you have Peyronie’s disease,
visit peyroniesforum.net
for online support.
Visit facebook.com/groups/
vulvodyniauk for support from
others experiencing vulval pain.
As Charlotte notes, when
someone experiences painful
sex it can cause them to avoid it
and lose their sexual desire, but
“talking about it, understanding
it, making changes and
compromises can lead to a
happy, fulfilling sex life”.
It’s time to shrug off the shame,
speak up, and improve our sex
lives. We deserve it.
Charlotte Simpson is an accredited
couples counsellor and psychosexual
therapist. You can learn more
about her work and find a
psychosexual therapist at
counselling-directory.org.uk
happiful.com | February 2021 | 93
 “
If everything around you seems dark,
look again, you may be the light
RUMI
Photography | Jackson David

94 | February 2021 | happiful.com

 true story

Sitting with the silence

Anxious thoughts haunted Deepanshi when her OCD became
overwhelming. But opening up to her parents was the catalyst for her
creating a mental health support group for others, too
Writing | Deepanshi Gulati

I
remember one particular night in 2018, when
it was four in the morning, and I was turning
in my bed. The thought of someone behind
me, watching me sleep, kept haunting me. I
was too scared to close my eyes. A whisper in my
head kept prompting me to check the door was
shut, and that no shadows were lurking outside
my room.
The silence of the night meant that I could
hear the voice even louder. I kept praying for
my parents to wake up, so I could safely go to
sleep. I knew that these obsessive thoughts
were not real. However, in the moment, the
overwhelming sensation of anxiety always
made me give in to everything that the voice
whispered to me.
I have fought my demons every night for the
past 10 years. I still battle them today, but what’s
changed is that now I don’t give in. I talk back.
And on most days, I win.
I was born in New Delhi, India. We lived in a
big house, along with my grandparents, uncle
and aunt. Every person in my family is a doctor
of some kind, and so understandably, when my
parents were still starting out in their careers
they were working most of the time. But I was
never left alone. I spent the first five years of my
life mostly with my grandparents. My parents
still feel guilty about not spending enough time
with me back then but, honestly, I didn’t mind
at all. My grandparents taught me things like
reading, stitching, and making perfectly round
naan bread. I am grateful to have been able to
make those fun memories with them.
Overall, my childhood was good. I had a
fantastic set of friends at school, although being
a dark, chubby girl with glasses meant that I was
bullied a lot. People would steal my glasses, pull
my hair, and call me ugly. I think one of the most
vivid memories I have is of a boy trying to strangle
me, and push me off a balcony.
A real, pivotal age for me was when I was nine.
My parents decided we were moving to the UK,
and told me just two weeks before we were flew
out. After spending most of my days with my
grandparents, the idea of suddenly being apart
from them was really traumatising for me. I
remember being filled with anger and resentment
towards my parents. But, eventually, I understood
that they were only trying to give my brother and
me a better chance at life.
In the UK, I was the new girl in a private girls’
school. I could feel all eyes on me, watching
me, judging me. I just wanted to fit in and make
new friends, but, sadly, having a “fresh off the
boat” Indian accent did not make that easy. I felt
isolated. Everyone made fun of me. So, I changed
myself from a tomboy to a complete girly girl. >>>

happiful.com | February 2021 | 95


By the age of 14, I was unrecognisable. I
never went out without heavy make-up and a
mini-skirt. I was looking for attention in the
wrong places, and didn’t care who I got it from.
My self-esteem was at rock bottom, and I did
anything I had to in order to feel validated and
beautiful. I started disrespecting my parents,
and ignored any advice they gave me. I believed
they could never understand what I was going
through. Even I didn’t understand myself at
the time. This was also when my panic attacks
started. Even the slightest bit of tension triggered
me. I would scream and cry uncontrollably if my
parents tried to comfort me. I was so confused.
At 15, I was sleeping with loud music every
night, which was the only way I knew how to
fall asleep. I was terrified of the silence. I got a
security alarm attached next to my bed, just in
case. Upon reflection, I know it was probably
feeding my obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD).
I met my boyfriend just after I turned 18.
He gave me a sort of confidence I’d never had
before. He made me realise that I’m beautiful,
regardless of what clothes I wear or how much
makeup I put on.
Then, when I was 19 years old, I moved out for
university, and for the first time I was away from
my parents. I suddenly had to learn to sleep in
a new, unknown room. On the nights when my
boyfriend was around, I felt safe enough to close
my eyes and fall asleep, but otherwise, it was
the usual – eyes watching me, demons creeping
in the darkness. My panic attacks started to get
96 | February 2021 | happiful.com
Deepanshi’s family
I have fought my demons every
night for the past 10 years. I still
battle them today, but what’s
changed is that now I don’t give in. I
talk back. And on most days, I win
worse. I remember some nights where only my
mum’s voice over the phone would calm me.
After graduating, I moved back home to live
with my family. It was 2017, and I’d say this
was the year where it started going drastically
downhill for me. The voice in my head just got
louder and louder. My demons started following
me during the day, too, even while I was with
other people. I can’t count how many times
I’ve skipped a train because that voice told me
something horrid was going to happen and I
should take the next one. I started feeling like
there was something really wrong with me, and
I shouldn’t be thinking like this. I prayed to God,
hoping he would forgive my morbid thoughts.
But it was that one particular night in 2018
where I decided enough was enough. It was
the first time I spoke openly about what was

happening to me with my parents. Although they
couldn’t completely comprehend the complexity
of it, they did everything in their power to provide
me with the support I needed. I then met with a
psychiatrist, and was officially diagnosed with
anxiety and OCD.
Growing up around doctors my whole life, I
wasn’t very interested in having therapy or going
on medication. I’d had one-off counselling sessions
in the past, and from my personal experience,
they always wanted to give me advice, but I simply
wanted someone to listen to me. So, a few months
after my diagnosis, I started ‘Rain On Me’ – a safe
space, in the form of a support group, for those
needing to vent about daily struggles and stresses
affecting their mental health.
OUR EXPERT SAYS
Deepanshi’s heartwarming story evidences
the real challenges that can be experienced
when living with OCD and anxiety. The
added complexity of adapting culturally can
been very difficult for some, too, and will no
doubt have made things harder. Deepanshi
persevered and, with the support of her
loving family and her support network, she
true story
Deepanshi started
Rain On Me in 2018
The brave people who attend the support
group inspire me to keep going. From
listening to their stories, and with my family’s
unconditional support, I can now proudly
say that I ‘live’ with my anxiety and no longer
‘struggle’ with it. I have accepted anxiety as a
part of my life, but I don’t let it consume my
whole life anymore. I practise meditation daily,
learning to listen to the silence and not be afraid
of it. I also officially became a Mental Health
First Aider, so that I could also help others to
overcome panic attacks.
If you have someone in your life who’s
struggling with their mental health, reach out
to them. You don’t have to be a mental health
expert. All you have to do is be there and listen.
It seriously helps. To anyone who is struggling,
it’s OK to ask for help; it only shows that you
want to keep fighting, and that takes courage.
When your anxiety gets too overwhelming, keep
holding on. I promise you, you will get to the
other side, and become a much stronger person.
was able to get the help she needed.
Over time, her struggle has now
become her source of strength,
proudly supporting others who
also face difficulty.
Rav Sekhon | BA MA MBACP (Accred)
Counsellor and psychotherapist
happiful.com | February 2021 | 97
try this at home

1
Lie on your back, with your
feet slightly apart, and your The full body scan
palms facing up. Closing your
eyes can be helpful, but it’s
Try this mindfulness technique to
not absolutely necessary. tune-in with yourself
2
For all the following steps,
take as much time as you
need to want on each one –
there’s no rush here.

Start paying real 4

attention to your
3 breath. Notice the
As you inhale, allow your mind to centre
on a particular part of your body. You
rhythm as you inhale
may want to do this systematically,
and exhale.
starting from the top of your head down,
or go with the flow and wherever the
sensations and your mind takes you.

5
Consider all the sensations in the area
your mind is focusing on. Really pay
6
attention to how it is feeling – tight, sore,
heavy or light, hot or cold? Think about If your mind wanders
how your clothes or the surface you’re away, that’s OK! Just be
on feels against your skin. It’s also OK if aware of this, and gently
you don’t feel anything in a particular bring yourself back to the
area, just notice that too. moment and your body.

7
Once you feel you’ve explored
your body and the sensations
8 enough, bring your focus back
to your breathing and body as a
whole for a few moments.
When you’re ready, gently
open your eyes if they are closed,
and enjoy the benefits of this
mindful moment.
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