We’re huge fans of foreplay!

Here are some of the many reasons why:

For most women and vulva-owners, it’s the best, fastest,
#1

or most reliable way to orgasm. (Did you know that only

about 15% of women can orgasm from penetration or
intercourse alone?) For people of all genders, foreplay can
create the most powerful orgasms.

It’s a great way to mix things up, especially if you’re a

#2

male-female couple who tends to default to or

over-prioritize intercourse. Having a foreplay-only sex
session can feel like a revelation to a couple who typically
defaults to P-in-V.

It can feel incredibly intimate. For some people, foreplay

#3

feels even more intimate than intercourse.

It can be done together, or you can use it as an

#4

opportunity to focus on just giving or just receiving.

It can ensure that you both have an orgasm. Only the

#5

tiniest percentage of couples can orgasm simultaneously

from intercourse. The vast majority of us need foreplay to
even out the playing field.

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 It helps with male performance issues and anxiety. If he
#6 struggles with getting or staying hard, foreplay can ensure
both partners still get to experience pleasure.

There are so many different techniques to explore,

#7

whether you’re a newbie or advanced.

It can increase confidence. There’s seriously nothing

#8

sexier than being able to get your partner off with your
hands or mouth!

Next up...
Why your partner isn’t giving
more foreplay.

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With so many benefits to foreplay, why isn’t
your partner already doing more of it?
There are actually a ton of perfectly understandable reasons:

❌ They’re not confident with their technique. This is the #1

reason we hear from our community. None of us was taught how to
give great foreplay, but we all feel like we’re expected to be experts.
If your partner doesn’t have confidence in their skills, they’re not
going to feel motivated to do it. They may even feel downright
anxious about giving it.

🙅 They’ve been turned down a lot in the past by other partners.

One of the most common explanations we hear from men who sleep
with women is that the men frequently get turned down when they
offer foreplay. Women have been socialized to believe that our
genitals are “icky,” “smelly,” and “gross,” so it’s understandable that
so many women feel uncomfortable receiving foreplay — oral sex in
particular. A lot of men have been turned down so many times that
they’ve stopped even offering.

👎 You turned them down in the past. Or it could be that you were
the one who turned your partner down in the past, leaving them with
the belief that you don’t actually want it.

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♀ They may not understand how female orgasm works. If you
think about the sex scenes you see on TV and in the movies, you
pretty much exclusively see intercourse. So most of us start to
believe that intercourse is the main or best way to have sex. Some
people simply don’t realize that foreplay can be vastly more
pleasurable — and necessary — for the vast majority of women to
reach orgasm.

😤 They may be frustrated that they’re not receiving foreplay.

As a sex therapist, Vanessa has worked with plenty of couples who
were withholding from each other. They each had a story in their
heads that their partner had stopped giving foreplay first, so they
started withholding in response. But because they weren’t talking
about it openly, they got stuck in a standoff. Neither partner wanted
to budge, even though they both wanted the same thing!

Next up...
What NOT to do or say to your partner.

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Don’t...
1 ...complain, like, “You never go down on me!”

2 ...criticize, like, “You don’t care about my pleasure.”

...attack your partner’s technique, like,

3 “You need to learn how to get better at this.”

4 ...withold foreplay in return.

These kinds of responses are only going to serve to make

your partner feel defensive and way less likely to fulfill
your requests.

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How to get more foreplay...
Complaining, criticizing, or attacking are not going to get you what
you want. So let’s go over some positive, fun, and flirty ways to get
more foreplay.

Use the Dream Scheme. Tell your partner something like, “I had the
most interesting dream last night! It’s a little embarrassing to admit
out loud, but you were just going down on me for the whole dream.
It was really hot, and now it’s got me thinking…” Of course, edit this
to fit your situation, and adjust the description of the dream based
on what you want. You can even add details like, “I know we’ve
never really done this before, but in the dream it was so sexy!” or “I
didn’t think I would like this, but the dream turned me on.”

Reminiscing about a positive memory. Or you can reference a

specific memory the two of you have shared together. Like, “You
know what randomly popped into my head today? That time on our
honeymoon when you gave me a blowjob to completion. That was
one of the hottest things you’ve ever done. I would love to do that
again!”

Catch them in the moment. Does your partner already give you
some foreplay, but you find yourself wishing for more? Sometimes
people stop giving foreplay because they’re not getting enough
feedback in the moment, and they’re not sure if you want them to
continue! So the next time your partner is stimulating you, tell them
how good they’re making you feel. Say things like, “You’re making
me feel so good” or “Please don’t stop!”

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Reference the stats. When we recently polled our community about
foreplay, 88% of men and 59% of women said they would love more
foreplay (manual or oral). Share these results with your partner as a
conversation opener. Say something like, “You know that sex thera-
pist and husband duo that I follow on Instagram? They did a foreplay
survey, and found that most people want more foreplay. It got me
thinking… do you want more foreplay? It sounds really fun to me to
do it more often!”

Straight up ask. We’re big fans of coming out and asking for what
you want. The key is to do it in a positive way. Remember, we don’t
want you saying things like, “You never go down on me.” Instead,
keep it positive and make it sound sexy. Say something like, “You
know what sounds so hot? I’ve been fantasizing about your fingers
inside of me for days now. It’s got me feeling so excited I just had to
tell you, even though I feel a little shy!” If you’re nervous, text this to
your partner instead.

Be specific. Don’t just ask for “more foreplay.” That feels too vague,
and your partner isn’t going to know how to follow through. What,
specifically, do you want? Do you want a few minutes of fingering
before you switch to intercourse? A minimum of 10 minutes of
foreplay during every sexual interaction? Oral to completion on one
specific, special night?

Let your partner go first. Offer to give your partner their favorite

#1
kind of foreplay. After you finish, say in a sexy way, “My turn!”

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Give tons of praise. One of the best ways to ensure ongoing
foreplay is to praise and thank your partner after they give it to you.
Tell them how much it turned you on, how good it made you feel,
how powerful your orgasm was, how generous and skillful they are,
or simply how much you appreciate them! You can say this right after
sex, or loop back around to it the next day (like, “I can’t stop thinking
about how good you made me feel!”). The more you make your
partner feel good about foreplay, the more likely they are to do it.

And our final tip is...

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...buy our Ultimate Foreplay Guides!
The above techniques will work if your partner hasn’t been doing
foreplay because of a miscommunication or misunderstanding. But
they won’t work if you or your partner lack the confidence to
perform foreplay.

The great news is that our Ultimate Foreplay Guides are one of the
most fun ways to bring more foreplay into your relationship. The
guides teach you our step-by-step techniques to blow your partner’s
mind with your hands and mouth. Simply buy the guides and share
them with your partner. Say something like, “You know Vanessa and
Xander, that account I follow on Instagram? Apparently their #1 best
seller is their Ultimate Foreplay Guides. I’ve seen so many
incredible reviews, so I decided to get them for us and see how
much fun we can have with them!” The key is to be light and upbeat
with your tone. If you sound excited, your partner will follow your
lead.

Here’s a bonus option –– get the guides, skip the conversation! Just
get our Ultimate Foreplay Guides on your own and use them on
your partner first, without telling them anything. After you blow their
mind, say something like, “I found something fun on the internet and
decided to surprise you! What did you think?” Then tell them,
“There’s another half that you can use on me…”

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Take your foreplay
to the next level!

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