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1
Oxford University Press is a department of the University of Oxford. It furthers
the University’s objective of excellence in research, scholarship, and education
by publishing worldwide. Oxford is a registered trade mark of Oxford University
Press in the UK and certain other countries.
1 3 5 7 9 8 6 4 2
Printed by Sheridan Books, Inc., United States of America
v
Contents
Preface vii
Acknowledgments xi
6. It’s Not About the Agenda, It’s All About Relationships 121
vi Contents
12. It’s Not Just About What You Do, but Who You Are 253
Notes 273
Select Bibliography 293
About the Author 303
Name Index 305
Subject Index 309
vi
Preface
viii Preface
Preface ix
about characters with whom they can identify, especially if they involve a
struggle that might be connected to their own personal journey.
So, why does the world need another book on leadership given the more
than 50,000 titles that are already on the market? First of all, the advice in
many of the current options is usually rather logical and obvious, but rarely
very realistic to put into immediate action. One example of this trend is an
article titled, “10 Seconds to Take Your Leadership From Good to Great,”
which proclaims that it only takes a few moments to incorporate new strat-
egies into daily life, just a second to “create a compelling vision” and another
to “articulate your vision to others.” I don’t know about you, but I have always
thought that it takes considerable reflective time to see the bigger picture, and
really understand what might be going on, in any given situation.
It is also a bit of a mystery how so much training and resources in lead-
ership are available, so many think tanks and institutes are devoted to the
subject, so many mandated workshops and conferences on the subject take
place, so much expertise is accessible, yet the reality is that the practice of
these skills falls so miserably short of expectations. There is, unfortunately,
widespread incongruence between what leaders and helping professionals
supposedly know and are trained to do, versus how that expertise is translated
into constructive action.
This book translates the latest research, theory, and skills into practical
strategies that can be employed in every aspect of daily life, whether conducting
a conference, leading a meeting, doing a presentation, or even hosting a social
gathering. As the title suggests, it introduces ideas from an assortment of dis-
ciplines, including the social and biological sciences, organizational behavior,
and human services, that have been re-interpreted and adapted to other set-
tings in the worlds of business, education, healthcare, and everyday life. It inte-
grates the latest research on group dynamics and process components of group
behavior to fill the gaps that are often missing in effective and transformational
practices of leadership. It also presents the wisdom and successful strategies
of effective leaders from a wide variety of fields who talk not only about what
works best, but also what they’ve learned from their most miserable failures.
Most of the existing books and resources available, especially those that
have been most popular, either focus on prescriptive, practical advice about
what to say or do during leadership challenges, or they present conceptual
ideas related to how groups function and how they are best facilitated. Of
course, both approaches are useful, especially when they are integrated into
a style that feels organic and natural, rather than just following a template
created by someone else.
x
x Preface
This is a book about ideas related to leadership but also those rarely
discussed in the context of broadening skills to a variety of arenas and our
daily lives. We may cover some familiar territory, especially for those who
are already well versed in the literature on leadership, or who have already
undergone extensive training in the subject, but we will look at many of the
concepts and applications through a different lens, one that helps to convert
concepts to practical strategies that can be personalized and individualized to
a greater extent.
The main theme of this book, which is notably different from so much of
the literature on the subject, is that leadership begins, first and foremost, with
taking charge of your own life. We lead others not just by purposeful plan-
ning, decision-making, and strategic actions at work, but by the ways we walk
through life, modeling exactly those qualities and values that we consider so
important for others. We not only have the opportunity to demonstrate the
attitudes, beliefs, and behavior that we advocate and teach to others, but a
mandate to be the kind of person we most wish others to become.
xi
Acknowledgments
I’d like to once again thank my longtime editor and advocate Dana Bliss
for his continued support and role as a muse for this project, as he has for
so many others. Among all of our collaborations, this was the toughest one,
largely because there is just so much already written and said about the subject
of leadership that it was a challenge to truly settle on themes and content that
were truly novel and all but ignored elsewhere. I’d like to acknowledge, as
well, the guidance and assistance that I received from other Oxford University
Press staff, including Andrew Dominello, Mary Funchion, Janet Foxman, and
Patti Brecht.
I’m also grateful for the input and contributions of the following individ-
uals serving in leadership positions within higher education, corporate and
military settings, cybersecurity, politics, and charitable foundations: General
(Retired) Thomas Kolditz, General (Retired) Robert Ivany, Officer Deon
Joseph, Michael Skelly, Blake Mycoskie, Cary Kottler, Steve Parker, Nancy
Dushkin, Jon Kottler, Jeremy Gaffney, and Sara Safari.
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xi
PA RT I
I can’t stop watching the fingers drumming on the table. From where
I sit, slouched in my chair, I have a perfect view of one horizontal slice of the
people across from me. I watch their hands moving papers around, clench-
ing, wiggling, dancing, searching for something to occupy themselves. Every
so often, I see their hands slip down into their laps, where they believe they
are secretly checking messages on their mobile devices. Everyone has checked
out, is bored out of their mind, watching the clock whose hands seem frozen
in place.
The person running the meeting seems oblivious to what is going on. Or if
he notices that nobody is paying much attention, he seems unable or unwill-
ing to alter course. And what he’s doing is droning on and on about some issue
that nobody cares much about. When he asks if anyone has any input, all of
us studiously look at our hands—everyone except one person who seems to
have something to say about almost everything. I know this for a fact because
my strategy for managing my own frustration and disengagement has been
to count the number of times she has spoken during the meeting. So far it’s
been 61 times and we’ve only been in the room for roughly 90 minutes, which
means that a dialogue is ongoing between the leader and this sole woman,
with the rest of us serving as mere spectators.
I’ve tried to insert a few comments on occasion, not because I have any-
thing meaningful to offer on the subject, but rather because I’m just trying to
keep myself awake. But since I’m interrupted by the overly talkative woman
every time I speak, I decide to withdraw. I am pouting.
What’s most curious to me is that everyone in the room—well, almost
everyone—knows exactly what’s going on, but doesn’t say or do anything to
change the dynamics of the interaction. The truly startling fact is that every-
one in attendance is a psychologist who spends his or her time supervising
4
and teaching others. In some cases, they even specialize in teaching group
therapy, yet they (or I should more accurately say “we”) insist on remaining
oblivious, or at least mute, in the face of obvious group dysfunction. We all
allow this unsatisfying pattern to continue week after week. Certainly, there
is private grumbling and talk behind the scenes, but apparently not sufficient
annoyance for anyone to actually do anything to change the basic interaction.
We’ve all sat in meetings like this, or been part of various group functions,
in which it is clear to anyone who is paying attention that what’s going on
is not particularly productive and, in some cases, is downright toxic. This is
especially interesting because there has been some fairly compelling evidence
for a long time, replicated again and again in a variety of contexts and situa-
tions, that high-functioning teams and groups consistently demonstrate two
signature qualities that lead to their exceptional productivity and member
satisfaction.1 First of all, their collective intelligence, which is usually con-
sistently superior to the decisions of any single individual leader, results from
optimal norms that develop in the group. These are the “rules” or conventions
that guide what is considered appropriate behavior. One of the most impor
tant such rules is social sensitivity within the group, that is, the ability of its
members to accurately read one another’s subtle nonverbal cues to know what
those people are thinking and feeling. This is key, because it means that group
members are tuned into one another and operating cooperatively.
The second characteristic of high-functioning teams is relevant to the
example mentioned above, that there is relatively equal participation and
engagement by all members of the team. This isn’t something that occurs
occasionally but in every single meeting. Each person is encouraged to con-
tribute, and efforts are made by the leaders, as well as everyone else, to make
sure that all input is invited. Of course, such a phenomenon is somewhat rare
in our lives, whether at work or play, since the familiar norm is that a few peo-
ple always dominate and control the proceedings. It is also remarkable that
many individuals who are in the best possible position to encourage and sup-
port others as a function of their training and jobs fail to apply these skills and
experience to other situations with family and friends that matter the most.
One major premise of this book is that successful leadership is not only
about performing effectively when on the job, but also about enjoying the
benefits of applying this knowledge and skills in other areas of daily life.
This means merging and integrating the major domains that include family,
friends, work, community, and the spiritual self, yet doing so in a way that then
enhances rather than compromises one another. This means a commitment
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