Don't Push Me So Far Away I Can't Reach You

Posted originally on the Archive of Our Own at http://archiveofourown.org/works/52866562.

Rating: Mature
Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply
Category: M/M
Fandom: 9-1-1 (TV)
Relationship: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Characters: Evan "Buck" Buckley, Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Christopher Diaz (9-1-1
TV), Henrietta "Hen" Wilson, Karen Wilson, Howie "Chimney" Han,
Maddie Buckley, Bobby Nash, Ravi Panikkar, Lucy Donato
Additional Tags: Friends With Benefits, Getting Together, Misunderstandings, Mutual
Pining, Evan "Buck" Buckley Loves Eddie Diaz, Eddie Diaz Loves Evan
"Buck" Buckley, Idiots in Love, Sleeping Together, Pining Evan "Buck"
Buckley, Soft Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley Being an
Idiot, Friends to Lovers, Evan "Buck" Buckley is a Mess
Language: English
Stats: Published: 2024-01-07 Words: 12,055 Chapters: 1/1
 Don't Push Me So Far Away I Can't Reach You
by giselleslash

Summary

It turns out that Eddie Diaz is a slut.

Now Buck is in no way slut-shaming anyone, he would never, not only because it’s
completely unacceptable and people can do whatever the hell they want with their own
bodies as long as everything is consensual, but because of the old saying and all - those in
glass houses, yadda yadda.

Buck knows slutty, he was slutty, but Eddie’s slutty is a whole other kind of slutty, not like
Buck’s, which was sad and lonely and done for reasons he’s needed a lot of therapy to come
to terms with, but Eddie’s? Eddie’s is fun and happy and joyful sluttiness.

(or the one where Buck thinks he and Eddie are just friends with benefits so he pushes Eddie
to date other people because he’s an idiot.)

Notes
See the end of the work for notes
It turns out that Eddie Diaz is a slut.

Now Buck is in no way slut-shaming anyone, he would never, not only because it’s
completely unacceptable and people can do whatever the hell they want with their own
bodies as long as everything is consensual, but because of the old saying and all - those in
glass houses, yadda yadda.

Buck knows slutty, he was slutty, but Eddie’s slutty is a whole other kind of slutty, not like
Buck’s, which was sad and lonely and done for reasons he’s needed a lot of therapy to come
to terms with, but Eddie’s? Eddie’s is fun and happy and joyful sluttiness.

Buck kisses him one day by accident (because there was zero planning involved and it was a
shock to say the least, but Eddie had made the stupidest dad joke he’d ever heard - really, it
was truly lame, Buck was embarrassed for him - and he’d been so proud of it and Buck had
been so full of pure, ridiculous love for the giant dork that he’d grabbed him and laid one on
him) and then they fell into bed and from there on out Eddie couldn’t seem to get enough of
him.

Like seriously. They’re constantly fucking. And because Buck still can’t believe he even
kissed Eddie in the first place, much less that he kissed him back, he can’t quite believe Eddie
keeps wanting to do it - kiss, fuck, just touch, like all of the time - so he always lets Eddie
initiate it.

And Eddie initiates it a lot.

Whenever they have a minute to themselves, (and it sometimes is an actual minute or two.
Buck would like to be ashamed by how quickly and easily they can both get each other off
when they need to, but it’s way too fucking hot and he finds he has zero shame) Eddie pulls
him into his bedroom, into Buck’s bedroom, into the kitchen, onto the couch, into supply
closets. They kiss and they fuck and they jerk each other off and even the quickest, dirtiest
blow job is the best one Buck’s ever had because it’s Eddie.

They just fit together.

There was awkwardness at first because it was their first time together, and Eddie’s first time
with a guy, but they just laughed. Absolute ecstatic, happy laughter. And it was awkward and
wasn’t exactly the greatest, but it was beautiful, and when Eddie finally went home that first
time Buck had cried because he hadn’t known. He truly hadn’t known that it could be like
that.

And every time after was even more overwhelming, left him more breathless, made him feel
like he was fucking flying, like he was glowing from the inside out. He’d hold his hand up in
front of his face to make sure beams of light weren’t shooting out of his fingertips because
Eddie just lit him up, made him feel aglow.

So now he’s living in a state of constant horniness.

And honestly Buck can’t be blamed because Eddie all on his own is stupidly hot and causes
enough trouble for Buck’s dick, but slutty Eddie? Jesus fucking Christ. Slutty Eddie is going
to literally kill Buck. And his poor dick. Because slutty Eddie loves cock. And who knew?

Who. Knew.

Certainly not Buck.

It’s like their kiss unlocked something in Eddie and everything he’d never allowed himself
came pouring out and there’s no putting a cork back in that repression bottle.

And Buck couldn't be happier, for himself and his dick, but especially for Eddie because
Eddie seems so fucking light, so carefree and happy, and Buck loves him so terribly he can
hardly stand it. He’s never seen him like this - his shoulders are loose, he laughs, they have
fun when they fuck, like so much damn fun. Sure, sex has been fun before, but not the way it
is with Eddie, how it always is with Eddie. Maybe it comes from being friends. Buck knows
it says something sad about himself that he’s never truly considered anyone he’s ever been
with a friend, not in the way Eddie is his friend. He was always so worried about being
everything his partner needed, so desperate to please so they wouldn’t leave him, but he
knows Eddie’s not going anywhere.

It’s just easy with Eddie.

But Buck still cannot get over how hungry Eddie is for it, and how unafraid he is to ask for
what he wants. It’s beautiful, really, because he knows how Eddie has held himself back his
entire life, how tightly wound he’s always been. But now he’s recently out, he’s coming into
himself, and Buck just feels so privileged he gets to see it and be by his side through it all.

And he’s not gonna lie, the fact that Eddie wants him pretty much twenty-four/seven is
definitely a perk.

Buck’s not going to look a gift horse in the mouth, especially when it comes in the form of
Eddie face down, ass up on his bed when he calls Buck over after a last minute sleep-over for
Chris means the house is empty, not when he comes back to his loft after a rare shift without
Eddie to find him upstairs in his bed fucking himself on a dildo because he can’t wait and
needs Buck inside him right now and Buck just barely has the time to get his pants down past
his hips before Eddie’s pulling him down between his thighs. And oh god, when it’s the other
way around and Eddie’s fucking him and he sees fucking stars because Eddie takes him apart
every single goddamn time, well, he’s not turning that down ever. But what Buck actually
loves the most is when they’re just kissing on Eddie’s couch, Eddie in his lap straddling his
hips and kissing him like he never wants to stop, kissing until their lips are numb and
chapped and all he can taste is Eddie.

Because Buck loves Eddie.

He loves him with every piece of his aching heart.

And it’s okay that Eddie doesn’t love him back. Really. He has Eddie’s friendship, and he has
Christopher, two of the three most important relationships of his life, along with Maddie. So
he’s okay with having Eddie like this. He’s happy to be here for Eddie’s sexual awakening, to
be a safe partner in his experimentation. The very definition of friends with benefits. If it
means more to him than it does to Eddie, it’s fine because Eddie loves him even if it’s not the
forever, romantic love that Buck has for him. It’s still love, still Eddie’s love, and that’s all
that matters.

Love is love is love.

The only problem is that Buck worries that Eddie needs more than just him. Buck has had all
kinds of sexual partners, has experienced all he wants to in that regard, but really Eddie’s
only had him. Eddie needs to get out there to see what, and who, he wants. Eddie deserves
love and even though it’ll break something essential in Buck he still wants him to have it. He
wants Eddie to have everything. He knows he needs to make the suggestion to Eddie, that he
maybe try some apps, or go out to some gay bars or clubs, go on dates so he can see what’s
out there. Spread his gay wings, or legs, or whatever.

Experience more than just Buck.

So one day after they’ve fucked their brains out for the entire morning and early afternoon
while Chris is at school and they’re laying in Eddie’s bed just touching one another, running
their hands over heated skin and soothing each other through the comedown from the
overwhelming adrenaline high Buck finally says something.

“We should go to a gay bar sometime.”

“You want to?” Eddie asks.

“I wouldn’t have suggested it if I didn’t.”

“But why?”

“To pick up guys, obviously.”

Eddie suddenly sits up and moves away from Buck. He pulls his knees up and wraps his arms
around them.

“You want to pick up guys?”

“No, not me,” Buck says as he reaches out, grabs Eddie’s ankle and gives it a small shake.
“You. You should get out there, see what you like.”

Eddie turns his head to look at Buck. He looks angry, almost, and Buck doesn’t understand
why.

“I like you.”

“I know you do, Eds, but I’m your first gay experience. And we’ve had fun, we’ve had so
much fun, but don’t you want to see what else is out there? Maybe find someone to be in a
real relationship with instead of just fooling around with your bestie for fun?”
“Jesus fucking Christ, Buck.” Eddie sighs and runs his hand through his hair. “Is that really
what you think I’m doing? Just using you like for some sort of what? Gay research? The
most convenient place to stick my dick? That’s it? Like that’s all you’re good for? That I’d
think that’s all you’re good for?”

“Fuck. God no, Eddie. I don’t think that. I—”

“Because that’s not what this is.”

“I know, Eds. I know. But you’ve only just come out and I’m the only person you’ve been
with. You haven’t really been out as a gay man, don’t you want to see what else is out there?”

“I thought we—” Eddie stops, then shakes his head. “Nevermind what I thought.” Eddie
gives him a half smile as he taps his fingers against Buck’s, they’re still wrapped around his
ankle and he gently pries them loose, tangles them up with his own. “Nevermind,” he repeats.

Buck lets Eddie play with his fingers as he watches several different emotions pass over his
face, none of them emotions he’s familiar with and he feels dangerously lost for the few
moments it takes before Eddie schools his features back into that fake half smile from before.

“Yeah, sure. Okay,” he says finally. “Let’s go out.”

“Great! Fantastic!” Buck says with fake excitement. “Who knows, maybe you’ll meet your
next great love.”

Eddie just looks straight into his eyes for an uncomfortably long time before saying quietly,
“Yeah maybe, Buck.”

Buck feels his face flush, and he still feels miserably lost and wrong-footed. He hates that he
can’t read everything Eddie’s thinking on his face like he usually can, it’s making him feel a
bit sick to his stomach, but he does know they’re not on the same page and he’s said
something wrong, he just doesn’t know what.

The awkward silence between them stretches on and Buck wants to shrivel up and disappear
but then Eddie finally speaks up.

“So,” he says. “Does this big gay journey and search for my next great love mean we have to
stop doing this?”

Eddie waves his hand between the two of them and suddenly Buck is almost breathless with
the thought that this could be the last time they touch like this, the last time he gets to see
Eddie naked and beautiful and gloriously fucked out and he feels like he’s dying at the loss. If
he’d known he would’ve paid attention to every single second, held Eddie tighter, kissed him
longer. He knows he’ll need to let go of Eddie at some point but he can’t right now, he just
can’t.

“No,” he says far too loudly. “I mean we don’t- we don’t have to stop if you want to, I don’t
want to. I know we’ll have to stop eventually, but not now, right?”

“No, not right now.”

Eddie’s voice is quiet and Buck is in a mild panic and almost speaks over him in his rush to
say the right thing, to say what he hopes Eddie wants him to say.

“Unless you want to stop. I don’t want you to feel like you have to keep doing this. I don’t
—”

“I don’t,” Eddie interrupts him, “I don’t want to stop.”

“You don’t?”

Eddie shakes his head no.

“Good,” Buck says. “Good. I don’t either.”

“Good,” Eddie says softly as he reaches out to brush Buck’s hair off his forehead and he
leans into the touch. “One more round then before we have to go pick up Chris?”

Buck doesn’t answer, just reaches out for Eddie, desperate for his touch. Eddie doesn’t
hesitate and immediately crawls onto Buck’s lap. It doesn’t take them long to get hard again
with Eddie writhing around on his lap as they kiss. They’ve long since been tested and have
foregone condoms and Eddie’s still open from the last time so when he rises up on his knees
and reaches behind him to take Buck in his hand all he has to do is sink down on his length
and Buck’s inside him. Eddie wraps one arm around Buck’s shoulders and uses his other
hand to hold Buck’s face in place, hold him still so all he can look at is Eddie as he fucks
himself on Buck’s cock. Eddie holds eye-contact with him, doesn’t look away as they breathe
in each other’s breath. Buck holds him close and moves with him. They’re so practiced and
attuned to one another and Buck doesn’t know how he’ll ever be able to let him go. He’ll
never be this close to anyone else in his life - he never wants to be. Buck can feel tears
prickle in his eyes and he fights to not let them fall.

He loves Eddie.

He’ll only ever love Eddie.

Buck’s clinging to Eddie and Eddie’s close, Buck can feel it in the way he’s just rocking in
his lap, a slow roll of his hips, in the way he’s clenching tight around Buck. He’s still looking
at him and Buck feels more naked than he’s ever been, he wants to look away before Eddie
sees all of those things Buck’s been trying to hide for so long - that he needs to keep hidden
so he can let Eddie go, let him find his way in his new world.

Eddie stills in his lap and leans down, Buck thinks he’s going to kiss him but he just gasps
against Buck’s lips as he shudders and sighs Buck’s name into his open mouth. Feeling Eddie
shake apart in his arms and hearing his name sighed like that is enough to break Buck apart
as well. Eddie sinks down fully onto Buck’s cock, holds him inside as Buck digs his fingers
into Eddie’s hips.

“That’s it, mark me up,” Eddie whispers into Buck’s ear, his hand warm around Buck’s neck.
“Come on Buck, come in me. Fill me up.”
Fuck.

Fuck Eddie and his sweet, filthy mouth.

Buck tightens his grip on Eddie, holds him down on his cock, and cries out as he comes.
Eddie’s hand tightens just the slightest bit around his neck, forces his head back so he’s
looking up into Eddie’s eyes again - those beautiful eyes he loves so much.

Eddie stays settled in his lap for a few, quiet moments while their breaths even out and
Buck’s pounding heart starts to slow down. Eddie looks like he wants to say something but
then he looks away from Buck and abruptly gets up, moves away from him.

“I’ll be quick in the shower,” he throws over his shoulder before he disappears into the
bathroom and leaves Buck wasted on the bed knowing he’s handled this all terribly wrong.

~*~

“So,” Buck claps his hands once he gets upstairs and sees everyone is there at the table.
“Who’s going out to the bars with Eddie and me tonight?”

Ravi perks up. “What bars?”

“Not sure yet, but they’ll definitely be in WeHo.”

He gives Eddie an exaggerated wink and Eddie just makes a face back at him.

“Oh, I’ve got suggestions then,” Ravi says.

“That very subtle wink at Eddie tells me we’re on a mission,” Chim says.

“Mission Get Eddie Laid, and you’re all invited.”

None of them know about him and Eddie and their recreational activities so he’s not really
expecting any reactions, but he notices Hen frown slightly and look over at Eddie, eyebrow
raised. Eddie just shrugs, shakes his head at her then looks away, focuses back on his cup of
coffee.

“Are we sure it’s not Mission Get Buck Laid too?” Lucy asks.

“Can it also be Mission Get Ravi Laid?” Ravi asks.

“Oh my god, everyone stop with the missions,” Eddie groans.

“I don’t know,” Chim says. “I think you’d be less grumpy after a successful mission.”

“Ugh.” Eddie drops his head to the table.

“So, we’re all in?” Buck asks with a grin.

They all agree, aside from Bobby who says he definitely does not need to be involved in
getting Eddie laid. Buck tells Ravi to pick the places and leaves him and Lucy to debate
about what bars they’re going to go to and in what order they’re going to hit them.

He heads into the kitchen to get some coffee and breakfast. He’s pouring himself a cup when
he looks over and sees that Eddie and Hen have gotten up from the table and seem to be
having a serious conversation over by the pinball machine. Eddie’s arms are crossed and he’s
hunched in on himself, a telltale sign he wants to be talking about anything other than what
they’re talking about. Hen’s hand is on his forearm and she’s listening intently to whatever
Eddie’s saying. Buck picks up his cup and starts to walk over to them, if something’s wrong
with Eddie he wants to help, but as he heads over Eddie notices him and he breaks apart from
Hen and the conversation is over.

“Everything okay?” he asks when Eddie gets closer.

“Yeah, everything’s fine, Buck.”

Eddie breezes past him and Buck’s left standing there holding his half-filled coffee cup
convinced everything is not fine.

When they go out he’s even more convinced.

Eddie doesn’t sit by him, he sits between Hen and Karen, and Buck tries not to show how lost
it makes him. He’s so used to Eddie being right there next to him that he’s floundering a bit,
especially since this is all his idea in the first place. He keeps leaning across the table trying
to get Eddie’s attention. This night is supposed to be for him, but so far he’s spent all of his
time sandwiched between Hen and Karen and not paying a bit of attention to any of the guys
who have been checking him out. He can’t have not noticed, Buck’s certainly noticed them.
He’s been trying his hardest not to glare at them until he burns holes into the center of their
foreheads. Some have even come up to him despite his scowl and uninterested face, he has no
idea what they’re trying to accomplish, but he just gives them half smiles and a polite, ‘no
thanks,’ and sends them on their way. It’s frustrating as hell because Eddie seems more
interested in the guys hitting on Buck than the ones hovering around him trying to find a way
in if they were given the least little bit of encouragement from Eddie.

Which they are not getting. At all.

“You know,” Buck says as he leans over towards Eddie once again. “If you actually looked
like you wanted to be here you might be more successful.”

“I’m good.”

Buck sits back with a huff. Why is Eddie being so difficult? He hates when he gets stubborn
and curt like this. He’s had enough. He pushes back from the table and gets up. He makes his
way over to Eddie and pulls his chair back. Eddie looks up at him with an irritated look and
Buck glares right back at him.

“Come on, let’s dance.”

“Not really in the mood for dancing.”

“But you’re gonna.”

“No, I’m really not.”

“Eddie.”

“Buck.”

“Come on, Eds. You’ve been a fucking stick the whole night.”

“We’ve been here for an hour, I’d hardly call that the whole night.”

“Quit being pedantic.”

“Buck, honey,” Karen says. “Maybe you could just head out on your own if you want to
dance. Ravi and Lucy are out there.”

He knows it wasn’t Karen’s intent but he feels reprimanded. He can feel his face heating up
with shame and he starts to back away.

“Yeah, okay. I didn’t mean to be—” He shakes his head. “Sorry, Eds.”

He’s just about to turn away and go hide in the bathrooms or something when he feels
Eddie’s hand clamp down around his wrist. Even though it’s loud Buck can swear he hears
Eddie sigh.

“It’s fine, Buck. Let’s dance.”

Buck can hear him say, ‘it’s okay, Kare,’ under his breath as he gets up.

“We don’t have to,” Buck says, he still feels like an asshole.

“No, let’s.”

“Are you sure?”

“I’m sure.” Eddie looks at him and for the first time since they got to the bar Eddie’s eyes go
soft and familiar. “Besides, how can I say no to the big blue puppy eyes?”

He wasn’t even aware he’d been doing the eyes. Eddie always complains that he and
Christopher can get away with murder because of their matching puppy eyes. Whenever
either one of them starts to widen their eyes and just look at Eddie he shouts and points a
finger at them to stop. Buck usually denies he’s doing it (although Christopher totally does it)
but if it gets Eddie dancing tonight he’s not going to argue.

Buck just twists his wrist in Eddie’s hold until he lets go of it and Buck can grab his hand
instead and pull him along behind him to the dance floor. Eddie follows him, surprisingly
without complaint, as Buck weaves his way through the crowd to where he can just make out
Lucy’s head. Before they get to Ravi and Lucy though Eddie stops.
“Here’s fine.”

“But Ravi and Luce are over there.”

“Buck, do we really need to dance next to them? They look fine on their own, we don’t need
to interrupt.”

Buck doesn’t really care where they dance just as long as they dance, so he shrugs as he looks
around.

“There are hotter guys over here anyway.”

Eddie rolls his eyes. “Jesus Christ, Buck.”

“What? It’s why we’re out tonight. You’ve been totally oblivious since we got here. You
could’ve had at least five numbers by now.”

Eddie snorts. “Like any of the people here are interested in dating.”

“Well, have a one night stand then.” Buck feels like he’s shouting. “Have some fun.”

“You know that’s not who I am. I don’t want that. Why are you pushing this on me?”

“Because I can’t be the only thing you know.”

“Why not?”

Buck throws up his hands. “I don’t know, I just can’t be. How can you know what you want
if you’re just hanging around me?”

“What’s so bad about us?”

“Nothing! Nothing. I love what we do, but you’ve had to hide who you are for so long and I
don’t want you to settle on me because I’m safe or whatever.”

“Ugh. God, Buck, why do you insist on thinking people settle for you? Like you’re not
enough on your own?”

“I’m not going to stand here in the middle of a dance floor and shout at you about this, Eddie.
I just want you to be happy is all.”

“I am—”

“Let’s just dance,” Buck interrupts whatever Eddie was going to say, he makes a face at him
but he seems to be willing to drop it.

“Fine.”

Buck’s not expecting Eddie’s next move at all because he steps closer to Buck and wraps an
arm around his waist, slots their hips together, and starts to move to the music. Before he
realizes what he’s doing Buck is moving with him because while Eddie never wants to dance
and always protests it, it doesn’t mean he can’t dance. Because he can. Indecently well.

“How will anyone approach you if you’re dancing with me?” Buck asks once he’s managed
to come to his senses.

Eddie just pulls him closer and whispers in his ear, “We have maximum coverage this way.
You can scan your side of the dance floor and I can scan mine.”

Buck closes his eyes and lets his head tip against Eddie’s.

“How will I know what to look for?”

“You know me,” Eddie says. “I trust you.”

Buck’s not so sure he trusts himself. If it were up to him he’d grab Eddie and whisk him far
away from here and never let him go.

Instead he just nods and pretends to look for someone to take Eddie away from him as he
tries not to cry.

One song turns into another and neither one of them has said anything, or made any attempt
to move away from one another, but then Ravi bumps into them and knocks them apart.

“Possible future husband for Eddie to the left,” he says, not at all subtly.

“I’m not looking for a husband,” Eddie sighs.

“Oh, you so are,” Lucy says because of course she’s right behind Ravi and his bullshit.
“You’re not a one night stand guy, you’re a commitment guy.”

Eddie gives Buck A Look and says, “See? Lucy gets it.”

Buck just rolls his eyes. “Whatever, man.”

“What guy?” Eddie asks Ravi.

“The one in the blue striped shirt dancing with the red-head.”

Buck turns so he can get a good look too, and fuck, Ravi is good. The guy is hot, he’d look
ridiculously good with Eddie, and he’s staring right at him so he’s obviously interested.

Buck is unimpressed.

“Go get his number, Diaz,” Lucy says as she pushes him in the guy’s direction.

“You’ve got this, Eddie,” Ravi says.

And he really doesn’t. Eddie has the least game of anyone Buck knows. He’s going to
embarrass himself and Buck just wants to grab him and pull him back to safety. Eddie hasn’t
even moved and Buck has to shove his hands in his pockets to stop himself from reaching
out.

Eddie looks over at him, a questioning look on his face, like he’s asking for Buck’s
permission, waiting on him to give him his okay and encouragement. It’s the last thing Buck
wants to do but he musters every bit of his courage to give Eddie a reassuring smile. Eddie
gives him a small, sad smile in return then takes a deep breath and turns away from Buck.
Ravi and Lucy are next to him trying to make supportive faces, but they’re more than half
drunk and are just being embarrassing instead.

Buck just stands in the middle of the dance floor as people dance around him and the love of
his life walks away from him.

He watches Eddie approach the guy. They exchange a few words and Buck thinks Eddie
looks like he’s blushing and he hates it. Fucking hates it. And then Eddie hands over his
phone and the guy puts his number in it. Buck wonders if he can sneak Eddie’s phone and
delete the number before he actually uses it. It’s the stupidest thought, this is all his idea after
all, he’s the one pushing Eddie out there, but he can’t help himself, can’t stop the way it hurts.

“Things are looking good,” Lucy says as she bumps Buck’s shoulder.

“Mission success,” Ravi adds.

Buck just nods, he doesn’t exactly know what to say, but he’s saved by Eddie heading back to
them. Ravi and Lucy shout at Eddie making him blush again as he gives them the finger, but
he quickly loses interest in them and looks over at Buck instead. Buck forces his mouth into a
grin and gives him a thumbs up like a complete idiot. When Eddie gets close enough Buck
pats him on the back.

“Well done. Got his number.”

Eddie shakes off Buck’s hand, which he left resting on Eddie’s shoulder blade, and Buck
snatches it back. Eddie’s dismissal of his touch feels like a slap.

“Yeah, wasn’t that hard,” he says over his shoulder as he keeps walking, heading back toward
their table.

Buck lets him go and for once doesn’t follow him. Thankfully he and Eddie drove separately
so he just quietly slips outside and heads to where he parked. He feels the tears sting his eyes
as he sits in his jeep and sends a text to Maddie to let the table know he left and he’ll see
them all at work. She sends back a quick text asking if he’s okay and Buck lies, tells her he’s
fine, just tired. He loves her dearly for not pointing out the whole night was his idea, she just
tells him to get some rest and that she loves him.

All he can think is thank god she does because he’s not exactly thrilled with himself right
now, and neither is Eddie.

~*~
Eddie doesn’t text him or call him at all during their forty-eight off and Buck is nearly
crawling out of his skin. It’s not like them to go that long without at least a text, especially
not since they started hooking up, and Buck hates it.

He’s just started to pull out some ingredients to make dinner even though he’s not hungry, but
he needs something to do to distract himself from his panic, when there’s a quick knock on
the door then the sound of a key in the lock. He looks up to find Eddie in the doorway. He
tosses his keys on the kitchen island once he’s inside and walks around it to Buck. He doesn’t
say anything, just grabs Buck’s belt buckle and starts to undo it as he gets down on his knees.
Buck isn’t even able to get a word out himself before Eddie has him in his mouth and every
thought and worry leaves his mind completely.

Eddie loves sucking cock. That’s been another revelation during all of this. And he excels at
it. Truly. When he gets like this, on his knees in front of Buck, it’s all he can do to stay
standing. The heat of Eddie’s mouth surrounding him, the way his hands grip his hips just
hard enough that they leave marks behind, and Eddie looking up at him with those dark hazel
eyes always breaks Buck apart.

Today is different though; Eddie’s gripping him just a little too tightly, when he looks up at
Buck his eyes aren’t warm and hazy with heat and want, and it all feels rushed and off. Buck
almost pushes him off of him but then Eddie wraps an arm around his waist and locks down
and Buck can’t move back. He lays gentle hands on Eddie’s face to try to still him, to bring
him back to him, and Eddie does slow down, lets Buck slip from his mouth as he closes his
eyes and tips his head into Buck’s palm. He can hear him quietly sigh as he rubs his thumb
over Eddie’s cheek.

“Sorry. I’m sorry. I just. Chris is at Pepa’s for dinner so I don’t have a lot of time but we
haven’t talked and I missed—” He stops for a second and looks back up at Buck. “I missed
you.”

Buck tucks himself back into his pants and gets down on his knees so they’re on a level.

“I missed you too.”

“It’s weird not talking to you.”

“I know. I hate it.”

“I don’t even know why we’re not.”

“Me neither.”

“Then let’s not.”

“Let’s not not talk?”

Eddie sighs but he smiles at Buck, soft and fond like usual, and Buck instantly feels a million
times better.
“So,” Buck draws out, “Even though we’re talking about not not talking can we not talk for a
little bit longer so you can go back to sucking my dick? Because I was really into that.”

“Oh my god, I’m leaving,” Eddie says as he starts to get up. Buck reaches out and grabs him,
pulls him down so they’re a pile on the floor, Eddie on top of him and smiling down at him.

“How about some hardcore making out then?” Buck asks.

“You wanna make out with my dick breath?”

Buck laughs, loud and happy.

“I love your dick breath, especially when it’s my dick breath.”

“This is not the type of conversation I had in mind when I said I missed talking to you.”

“Isn’t it though?”

Eddie gives Buck a look but leans down to kiss him anyway, probably just to shut him up, but
he’ll take it. Especially since Eddie rolls them both so he can wrap his legs around Buck and
kiss him like his life depends on it. He sinks down into Eddie, into the kiss, and it’s so
perfect, so fucking perfect, and it shatters Buck’s heart to pieces that kissing Eddie on his
kitchen floor, the most uncomfortable place in the whole damn world, is still perfect. In every
way.

Eddie pulls back from the kiss and Buck makes an embarrassing whiny noise at the loss of
his lips.

“When was the last time you cleaned this floor?” Eddie asks.

“You’re worried about that now?”

“Well, not really, but I’d rather not be rolling around on your dirty kitchen floor.”

Buck sits up on his knees and Eddie’s legs fall open on either side of him.

“My kitchen floor is not dirty,” Buck says, crossing his arms. “And since when have you
been such a precious princess about this? We’ve had sex in a public bathroom. A. Public.
Bathroom.”

“Yeah, but we weren’t rolling around on the floor.”

“Because I was doing all the work holding you up and fucking you against the wall.”

“Yes, and you were very strong and sexy. Very hot.”

Buck wants to keep arguing but Eddie has his teasing face on, the one where he grins and
blushes and thinks he’s fucking hilarious when he’s really not. It’s the face that got them into
this situation to begin with - that face and his lame dad joke and now Buck’s uncontrollably,
irrevocably in love with an idiot laying spread-eagle on his kitchen floor.
“Oh my god, I hate you,” Buck says as he holds his still unzipped jeans closed as he gets up
and offers a hand to help Eddie to his feet. “Let’s go fuck in my bed.”

Eddie lets himself get yanked up to his feet.

“Sweet talker.”

“Just shut up and get naked, we’re on a tight schedule here.”

“I’d like to be in your tight schedule.”

“Eddie. Gross.”

But that face is back and Eddie’s laughing as he runs upstairs ahead of him, stripping off his
shirt as he goes, and Buck loves him.

He fucking loves him.

~*~

They’re back at work, they’re back to normal, everything’s great, and then Chim asks Eddie
when he’s going out with the guy from the bar and everything’s not so great anymore.

Eddie turns red but answers, “Next Thursday.”

Next Thursday?

Eight days from now?

Why does Buck not know this?

Why didn’t Eddie tell him yesterday?

“Next Thursday?” Buck asks out loud.

“Yeah?” Eddie says it like it’s a question.

“Great. That’s great! Really great.” Buck really wants to stop saying ‘great’. “Do you need
me to watch Chris?”

“You’d be okay with that?”

Eddie’s tone suggests that maybe Buck shouldn’t be okay with it, but he says the opposite.

“Of course, why wouldn’t I want to hang out with Chris?”

“No reason,” Eddie frowns. “Seven o’clock then?”

“Seven’s great!”
Great.

Great greatity great.

~*~

Buck shows up way too early to Eddie’s on his date night. He knows he’ll be in the way
there, with Eddie getting ready and all, but he can only pace back and forth in his apartment
for so long. When he gets there he finds Eddie and Chris in the kitchen, Chris doing
homework and Eddie cooking some mac and cheese. He’s still in his old sweats with the
holes in the knees and one of Buck’s LAFD t-shirts he left over there years ago. Eddie has
long since declared it his own and Buck hates it because he can never stop looking at the
‘Buckley’ stretched across his upper back when he wears it.

And he’s staring at it now because Eddie’s back is turned to him and he can’t understand why
he’s not getting ready. He must’ve known Buck would’ve made dinner for Chris himself, but
there he is making it, looking like a slob, and nowhere near ready for his date. He knows he’s
early, but still, Eddie should at least be getting ready, but he’s not, and he doesn’t look like
he’s in any hurry to start.

“You know I would’ve made dinner for Chris,” he says from the doorway.

Eddie looks over his shoulder at him. “I know, but Chris was hungry so I figured I’d get
started.”

“Well I’m here now,” Buck says as he walks over to Eddie and takes the knife out of his hand
to finish chopping the vegetables for the salad. “You need to start getting ready, unless you’re
trying to seduce him on the first date with this hot number. I know your mustard stained,
ripped sweats really get me going but you may not want to overwhelm him right out of the
gate.”

“I can hear you, Buck,” Chris says without looking up from his math homework. “And I wish
I couldn’t.”

Eddie chuckles as he hands Buck a tomato for chopping.

“Eddie, go get ready.”

Eddie doesn’t go though, he just leans his hip against the counter and folds his arms over his
chest and watches Buck chop. Buck can feel a stray hair on his forehead, it’s bugging him
and he’s about to blow at it to try to move it when Eddie reaches out and tucks it away. Buck
smiles at him and Eddie flicks his nose and grins back before he pushes off the counter.

“Well, guess I better get ready.”

“Yes. Go. You’ve only got fifteen minutes if you want to leave in time.”

Eddie lingers a moment longer. Buck can feel his gaze warm on his skin. Buck’s not sure
what he’s waiting for, is he waiting for Buck to say something else? He doesn’t know what it
is, but then he hears Eddie sigh and leave the kitchen. Buck’s shoulders fall, he hadn’t
realized he’d been holding them with so much tension.

“Why’s Dad going on a date?”

Buck sets down his knife and turns around. He should probably sit down for this
conversation.

“The same reason anyone else does,” Buck says. “He’s trying to find someone to love.”

Chris gives him A Look that’s so very Eddie-esque Buck doesn’t know whether to laugh or
cry.

“I’m eleven, Buck. I’m not an idiot. I know that’s why people date, but why is Dad dating?”

“I don’t know what you’re asking, bud. You said you know why people date, why should
your dad be any different?”

That look comes out again. Chris clearly thinks Buck is the stupidest person alive.

“Because he’s got you.”

And there it is, an arrow straight to the heart.

“Oh, Chris. We’re not—” Buck rubs his hands over his face. “We’re not dating.”

“Of course not, you’re already together. Who do you have to impress with fancy dates?”

Buck can’t help it, he laughs. God, Chris never fails to entertain and come right out with
whatever it is he wants to say. But he’s got to figure out how to respond to that. How the hell
do you explain to an eleven year old friends with benefits where one person is madly in love
with the other and is pushing said person to find love even though it’s going to kill him
eventually? Because that’s a concept Buck’s not sure he understands and he’s got twenty
years on Christopher.

“Yeah, that’d be true if we were together, but we’re not. We’re just friends.”

“But I’ve seen you kissing.

“You have?” Buck nearly shouts.

“You two aren’t very subtle, and I’ve got eyes.”

“You know what, kid? Could you maybe take off your glasses from time to time so you
didn’t have that super vision of yours?”

Chris rolls his eyes at him. “So you two kiss but you’re not dating? That’s stupid. You two
should be dating.
“Chris,” Buck sighs. “Your dad and I have a lot of fun together, we’re friends, but your dad
doesn’t love me like a boyfriend so he’s going on dates to find someone who he can maybe
love one day. Don’t you want your dad to be happy?”

“Of course I do, that’s why he should be with you. He’s happy with you. He’s even happy
with you when you two fight, isn’t that love?”

“Jesus, you should be a couples therapist. Open up your own practice.”

“Whatever, Buck. You two are being stupid.” And with that Chris shuts his math book and
gets up to clear his homework away. “Mac and cheese is done,” he says on his way out of the
kitchen.

“Well get back here then and eat it!” Buck shouts.

“I gotta put my homework away and then I’ll be back!” Chris shouts back.

Eddie walks back into the kitchen and asks, “Should I be shouting too to join the
conversation?”

“Funny,” Buck says and then he notices what Eddie is wearing and he can’t say another
word.

He’s gorgeous. But that’s not a surprise, Eddie is always beautiful, even when he’s covered in
soot and sweat from work and now in a dark burgundy sweater and jeans he looks good
enough to eat.

And someone besides Buck is going to enjoy the feast. He hates everything.

“You look good.”

Eddie looks down at himself like he’s only just realizing he actually does look good.

“Uh, thanks. I never know what to wear.”

“Well it’s a good thing you look good in everything so the choices are limitless.”

Buck’s trying to busy himself with plating up his and Chris’s dinner but he still sees the blush
that flushes across Eddie’s cheeks and it makes it all worse.

Before Buck realizes what’s happening Eddie’s leaning in and kissing him on the cheek.

“Thanks,” he says softly.

“Yeah, well, it’s the truth.”

“Right back atcha then.”

Now it’s Buck blushing and Eddie gives him another kiss on his other cheek. Buck wants to
pull him closer, kiss him on the lips instead, and drag him into his bedroom, but he musters
all of his willpower and pushes him away.

“You’ve got your date.”

“Yeah.” Eddie frowns. “I better get going.”

Buck turns away from him, goes back to getting dinner on the table.

“Tell Chris the food is ready on your way out.”

Eddie lingers for a while then sighs and says, “Okay,” before walking away.

Buck misses him already.

~*~

Eddie doesn’t say much about his date, just that it was fine but they’re not going on another.
Buck would like to say he’s disappointed, but he’s not. He’s really really not.

Especially not when Eddie grabs his hand as he gets up from the couch to go home and pulls
him down onto his lap and kisses him until Buck couldn’t stand back up even if he tried.
Eddie doesn’t let him go home, just leads him to the bedroom when they finally stop kissing
because their lips are numb, and probably Eddie’s legs too from Buck’s weight. Of course
Buck follows. They only end up sleeping, but Eddie scoots up close behind him and clings to
him like he thinks Buck might disappear, and sometimes Buck thinks he could disappear if it
weren’t for Eddie holding him down to the earth.

The next morning they both get Chris off to school and the date is all but forgotten.

~*~

Of course Buck is stupid, he always is where Eddie is concerned.

He steals his phone one day and installs a couple of dating apps. He takes the liberty of
setting up profiles for Eddie in both, he even starts swiping left and right for him before
Eddie plops down beside him and sees what he’s doing. Eddie turns bright red and grabs his
phone out of Buck’s hand.

“What are you doing?”

“Getting you another date.”

“I don’t want another date. I already went on one.”

“Yeah, one. That’s hardly getting yourself out there.”

“If I wanted another date I could get one on my own.”

“Fine. Get one then.”

“I’ll get one when I get one,” Eddie says as he gets up from the couch and leaves Buck sitting
there.

Buck crosses his arms and sinks back into the couch. He knows he’s being pushy, but he can’t
seem to stop himself. He doesn’t know why he’s being so insistent, probably because he’s so
fucking scared of Eddie finding someone on his own one day and cutting Buck loose. He
knows what they have is only temporary and the thought of losing it all is terrifying. In some
fucked up way he’s hoping if he does the pushing it won’t hurt so damn bad when it actually
works.

“I think you know you’re being pushy,” Hen says, clearly reading his mind. She's sitting in
the chair reading and Buck is embarrassed to say he forgot she was there when he was having
his confrontation with Eddie. “But I just have to say you need to step back on this Eddie
dating thing. It’s hurting both of you.”

Buck sighs and rubs his face. “I know, Hen, but I can’t seem to stop.”

“Well, try. You’re hurting Eddie more than you’re helping him.”

He can feel tears burning his eyes and Hen can clearly see how hard he’s trying not to let
them fall. And he wonders how much she knows. The way she looks at him tells him the
answer is probably more than he wants her to know.

“Buck,” she says gently. “Maybe take a break from the mission for a while, okay?”

“Hm, yeah. Okay.” Buck says as he nods a bit too forcefully trying to stop himself from flat
out crying. “I’m sorry, Hen.”

“I know you are, sweetie.”

“I’m just gonna—” he says as he gets up and points in the general direction of where Eddie
went. Hen just nods and smiles softly at him.

Buck finds Eddie hiding in the back of the ambulance. There’s no reason for him to be there,
they’ve restocked everything after their last call so Buck can only assume he’s there to stew
and be angry at Buck in peace.

“Sorry.”

Eddie looks up at him when he gets in and sits down across from him.

“I know, Buck. But I’m still pissed.”

“I figured. Should I go?”

“No, stay.”

Buck’s not sure what to say, he can’t exactly tell the truth - I’m doing this because I love you
so goddamn bad that I want to push you away before you leave me and break me apart - so he
just sits and waits for Eddie to say what he wants to say. He sits there in silence as they stare
at each other from across the too small expanse of the ambulance.

“Why are you doing this?” Eddie finally breaks the silence that’s been driving Buck a bit
mad.

“I told you, I want you to be happy. I want you to find someone, to find yourself, who you
want to be now that you’ve let yourself come out. There’s so much out there waiting for
you.”

“I am happy. What makes you think I’m not?” Eddie asks. “I’ve never been fucking happier
than I have been these last couple of months. Why can’t you see that?”

“I do, Eds, that’s why I want everything for you. You’re so free now, and happy and alive,
and you should have all of that and more.”

Eddie drops his head back against the side of the ambulance and lets out a loud, exhausted
sigh.

“You’re so fucking infuriating, do you know that? You say shit like that, and you want all
these beautiful things for everyone around you, but never for yourself. Why can’t you have
all of those beautiful things too?”

Buck doesn’t know how to answer him without saying he has every single beautiful thing he
could ever want because he has Eddie. And Chris. His beautiful boys. But he can’t say that
out loud so he says nothing at all, just shakes his head and shrugs and Eddie’s eyes look
incredibly sad.

“If you want to look for that yourself and I’m in your way and that’s why you’re doing this
then tell me. If you don’t want this, what we’re doing anymore, then please just say so.
Please, Buck.”

“No, I do want this. I told you I did. We’re having so much fun, Eds—”

“Yeah. Fun.” Eddie interrupts him. “All the fucking fun.”

Buck hates the look on his face when he gets up, hops out of the ambulance, and walks away
from him for the second time that day.

Buck lets it go for the rest of the shift, but as they’re changing in the locker room to head
home Eddie turns to him after he grabs his duffle and closes his locker.

“Can you watch Chris Sunday night?”

“Yeah, sure.”

“I’m going on a date.”

“But I thought—” Buck stops. “Nevermind. That’s great, man.”

“I told you I could find a date on my own if I want to,” Eddie says almost belligerently.

“Well, it’s like I said, this pretty face can get it.” Buck tries to tease as he reaches out and
grabs Eddie by the chin and gives him a little shake.

Eddie’s eyes go soft for a bit as he takes Buck’s hand and tangles their fingers together before
he kisses the tip of one of them. He keeps his eyes on Buck for a second or two then lets go
and starts walking backwards towards the door.

“Sunday at seven?”

“Yeah,” Buck answers quietly, trying not to reach back out for him, for another kiss.

“I’ll feed Chris this time too so don’t go showing up early just to give me shit.”

“You know I still will. I have to.”

Eddie chuckles softly.

“Yeah, I know you do.”

And Buck knows he does, Eddie knows everything about him, except for the one thing that
he wishes he could tell him - that he’s the center of his heart and has made him a better man
in every way.

“I’ll see you back here tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow.”

~*~

On Sunday when Buck shows up early again Eddie hasn’t even bothered to start Chris’s
dinner, in fact they’re both on the couch playing video games when he walks in the house.
And again, Buck knows he’s early but he’s not that early and Eddie should be getting ready.

“Eddie, honestly,” Buck says in exasperation. “Go get ready.”

“I will.”

“I’m hungry,” Chris throws over his shoulder.

Buck sighs, but laughs anyway. What else is he going to do with his boys? He heads into the
kitchen and starts to make some burgers for him and Chris. He can still hear the both of them
mocking each other and he’s tempted to yell at Eddie again, but instead he hollers at Chris.

“Fries or tots?”

“Tots!”

He goes to set the oven and grab some tater tots from the freezer when Eddie walks into the
kitchen.
“Giving up on me, huh?”

“Well you know what they say about insanity and the whole doing the same thing over and
over and over and over again.”

“I think there’s a few more overs in there than there needs to be.”

“Not for you. Extra overs are necessary.”

Eddie huffs but he walks over to Buck and wraps his arms around him from behind. He
hooks his chin over his shoulder as he rocks them back and forth from foot to foot.

“Make me a burger and tots too, throw them in the fridge.”

“You’re going out for dinner, aren’t you?”

“I let him pick the restaurant, I need a back-up meal.”

“You’re so fucking picky about food, you’re worse than a toddler.”

“Make me some anyway.”

“You know I will.”

Eddie tucks his face into the crook of Buck’s neck and he can feel his smile against his skin.
He rubs his hand over Buck’s stomach before letting go.

“Thanks,” he says quietly from the doorway.

As Eddie leaves the kitchen Chris heads in to help with dinner. Buck loves when he’s his sous
chef.

“Chop up what you want on top of your burger,” Buck tells him. “And grab what cheese you
want too.”

“Yes, chef!” Chris shouts at him and then laughs.

“You do know your commitment to your job is somewhat lacking when you laugh at me.”

“Deal with it.”

“Ugh, rude!” Buck slaps his hand to his chest. “I am wounded.”

Chris laughs at him again but he hugs him while he’s doing it and god does Buck love him.

They work on dinner while Chris tells him about his day and when Eddie walks back in a few
minutes later to say goodbye Buck wants to tell him he got ready way too quickly and that
he’s hardly putting any effort into impressing his date, but he can’t because Eddie looks
beautiful.

Of course he does.
Just like he did for his last date, just like he does for this one, and just like he does everyday.

“Well, I’m off. I’ll see you later, boys,” he says before giving them both kisses, one to Chris’s
head and one to Buck’s temple.

“See you later, Dad.”

“Have fun,” Buck adds.

Eddie looks at him for a couple seconds before simply saying, “Okay.”

Once Eddie leaves Chris gives him the side-eye and says, “You really need to stop making
him go out on dates, he hates them.”

“He’s just out of practice, he’ll be fine.”

Chris just huffs, but he lets it go and goes back to the food.

Buck wants to hug him.

~*~

Buck’s just sent Chris to bed when Eddie gets home. He’s only been gone a couple of hours.

“Back so soon?”

“Yeah,” Eddie says as he drops down on the couch.

“Boring? Rude? Smelly?”

Eddie laughs. “Yes, Buck, he was too smelly.”

“I figured,” Buck says as he settles back into the couch and hands over his half-finished beer
to Eddie.

Eddie takes it with a mumbled, “Thanks.”

“You need your burger?”

Eddie looks over at Buck and smiles. “I do.”

“Picky, picky, picky,” Buck says as he stands. He ruffles Eddie’s hair as he steps over his feet
on his way to the kitchen. “I’ll heat it up. Be right back.”

Eddie grabs his hand before he can get too far away.

“Thanks. For everything.”

“Of course. No need for thanks.”

“I know, and that’s why I need to say it.” Eddie says. “You need to hear it more often.”
Buck doesn’t answer, just gives Eddie’s hand a little shake before pulling it up to his mouth
so he can press a kiss to the back of it. Eddie keeps holding on for a few seconds longer
before letting go.

While he’s heating up Eddie’s food he fixes himself a bowl of ice cream to bring with him
because he knows how much Eddie hates eating by himself, especially when someone else is
in the room with him.

“You want another beer with your burger?” Buck calls out from the kitchen.

“Nah, water’s fine.”

Buck fills a couple of glasses and grabs the food and ice cream to head back to the living
room.

“I was about to watch a movie, that okay with you?” he asks as he sets everything down on
the coffee table.

“We’ve got a ton in our queue, you pick.”

Buck scrolls through their queue while Eddie attacks his burger. He’s nearly finished with it,
and half his tater tots, by the time Buck picks a movie and he grins at him.

“So you really didn’t like the restaurant, huh?”

He sees Eddie’s cheeks blush as he finishes chewing then wipes his mouth with the back of
his hand.

“Not really, no. It was one of those tiny portions, weird food places.”

“Your idea of weird food is ridiculous and immense. They probably just tried to get you to eat
avocado toast.”

“Avocado toast is fine. I like avocado toast.”

“Only after I forced you to eat it and your repeated complaints that avocado only belongs in
guacamole or tacos.”

“Whatever. The food was weird.”

“Well it’s a good thing you’ve got food here then, isn’t it? I don’t want to have a hangry
Eddie on my hands.”

Eddie just grunts and grabs Buck’s spoon out of his hand to scoop a big bite of ice cream out
of his bowl.

“Hey now, eat your own food.”

Eddie looks him straight in the eye and takes another spoonful. Buck elbows him and tries to
take the spoon away but Eddie pulls his hand back before Buck can snatch it away. He sighs
and hands the bowl over to Eddie.

“Here, I’ll go make another one.”

Eddie grins at him and scoops out another bite but instead of shoving it in his mouth he feeds
it to Buck.

“We can share this one.”

“I’ll probably still have to make another bowl because you’ll eat most of this one.”

“Shut up,” Eddie says as he shoves another spoonful into Buck’s mouth. Buck just grins and
leans into Eddie’s side and turns his eyes back to the tv.

Eddie gives Buck’s bowl back to him after that and goes back to his own plate as he leans
into Buck too. He grabs the remote and turns the volume of the movie up and they both settle
in to watch the movie.

Buck’s not sure how long he lasts but one minute he’s watching the movie and the next he’s
being woken up by Eddie brushing his thumb over his cheekbone and whispering in his ear.

“Time for bed.”

“The movie’s over?”

“Yeah, but I rewound it to the spot where you fell asleep so you can finish it up when you
have a chance.”

Buck smiles to himself. It’s just like Eddie to think of doing something like that. And as he
looks around he notices that their dishes are cleared and all the lights are off except for the
one in the bedroom hallway. He lets himself be pulled to his feet and led down the hall to
Eddie’s bedroom. He really ought to say that this shouldn’t become a thing, that he shouldn’t
be spending the night after Eddie goes on dates. That’s the whole point of all of this. But he’s
too tired and Eddie is so warm and close that he can’t stop himself from crawling into bed
beside him after they’ve both brushed their teeth and stripped down to their underwear.

He especially can’t bring it up in the morning either when he wakes to Eddie pressed up
close, cock hard against his ass, hand splayed on his stomach keeping him in place as he
gently rocks against him. Buck stretches out and presses back, grips Eddie’s hip.

“Mornin, baby,” Eddie mumbles into the shell of his ear.

Buck can only hum in response because Eddie’s other hand has moved from Buck’s shoulder
to his chest, his fingers brushing against his nipple. Eddie keeps moving against him, rolling
his hips more and more until Buck’s hums turn into moans and Eddie has to move his hand
from his chest to his mouth to quiet him. Eddie’s breath is hot against his neck where he’s
pressed his mouth to keep his own panting under control.

Eddie’s surrounding him completely, all he can smell and feel is him, warm and solid against
him. He grips Eddie’s hip harder, tries to pull him even closer even though the only way they
could actually be closer is if Eddie pushed down his underwear and slipped inside him, but he
knows they don’t have time for that, Chris needs to get to school. But god does Buck want to
stay exactly where he is and have Eddie push inside him.

He gasps out against Eddie’s palm, bites at it, when Eddie slips the hand that’s on his
stomach down inside his underwear and wraps his fingers around his aching cock. It only
takes a few strokes before he’s coming into Eddie’s hand and Eddie rolls into him pressing
him into the mattress as he finds his own release moaning, ’oh god, baby,’ over and over
against his shoulder and it’s all Buck can do not to say, ’I love you, I love you, I love you.’

Eddie stays plastered to his back as they let themselves settle, calm their breathing, but after a
couple of minutes he groans, presses a kiss to Buck’s shoulder, and rolls away from him. He
gets out of bed and walks to the bathroom, yanking at his underwear as he goes, and Buck
has to laugh at him. Eddie just scowls back.

“You’re in the same situation as me, you know.”

“I know,” Buck smiles. “I’m a mess.”

“Well I’m gonna shower quick and get Chris to school and when I get back I expect you to be
showered and ready for me,” Eddie says from the bathroom doorway. “I’m gonna crawl back
into bed with you and do the most disgusting, perverted things to you.”

“Promise?”

“That tongue thing and all. Promise.”

“Well in that case I’ll be waiting naked and ass up when you get back.”

Eddie throws his head back and laughs.

“You better be,” he says as he disappears into the bathroom with a smile.

Buck throws his arms over his face and sighs.

He’s never going to be able to let Eddie go.

Never.

~*~

The trend continues as Eddie goes on more dates - Buck watches Chris, Buck spends the
night, and the next day they fuck themselves silly if they don’t have to head in for a shift.
Even the one time Chris spends the night at Pepa’s and he doesn’t have to watch him Eddie
shows up at Buck’s door and spends the night at his place.

He doesn’t know how to say no.

Or how to let Eddie go.

It’s all getting way out of hand. Instead of getting easier to see Eddie walk out the door for a
date it just keeps getting worse, more painful. It takes everything in Buck not to drag Eddie
back inside the house every time he leaves it. Buck just wants him there with him and Chris,
where he belongs, but every single time he squeezes his hands into fists and keeps them by
his sides as he watches Eddie go.

And Eddie keeps giving him all of these looks, these pointed looks that are just versions of
his sad, disappointed face, like Buck is failing him in some huge monumental way and it’s
driving him crazy. Every time he announces he has a date he looks at Buck, waits for him to
say something, but he never says the right thing because Eddie’ll just close his eyes, take a
deep breath, and ask Buck to watch Chris for him.

It doesn’t help either that Chris seems just as disappointed in him as Eddie does. They’re a
brilliant carbon-copy of one another and Buck feels adrift. In general it’s nothing new for him
to feel lost, wrong-footed, he’s always second-guessed himself, but never with Chris. Or
Eddie for that matter. The two of them have always been certain. They’re the two people he
never feels wrong around, they’re home, and now they’re all in this strange inbetween.

He knows he needs to talk to Eddie and not just leave it hanging between them, those looks
and the lingering and the shared beds. They need to talk and sort things out, but Buck’s fear
of what Eddie might have to say is too much, too overwhelming, for him to be able to initiate
any sort of real communication between them.

And yet another thing that doesn't help is that everyone at work is oblivious to what’s going
on between them so they all just keep cheering Eddie on now that he’s getting out there,
dating, being his true queer self, and Buck would be totally behind them, their support and
their love for Eddie, if only it wasn’t breaking him apart. He feels like Hen knows something
though because she’s always giving him those same sad, disappointed Eddie looks, and
always huddling with Eddie in quiet, intense conversations. He wants to ask her what she
knows, but if she’s keeping secrets safe for Eddie he doesn’t want to push. Even though he’s
desperate to know he’d never want to break Eddie’s trust by prying out something he doesn’t
want him to know about, no matter how much it hurts that Eddie’s keeping something from
him.

Besides, Buck’s one to talk when he’s hiding his heart from Eddie.

~*~

“You maybe wanna go out to another bar, try that instead?”

They’re playing cards at Eddie’s kitchen table. It’s late and they should probably be asleep,
they have an early morning the next day, but neither one is tired. They’re still sort of buzzing
with a combination of adrenaline and exhaustion from a wild call that came in right before
the end of their shift.

“No, Buck, I really don’t.”

It’s said very succinctly, and Buck should drop it, but he doesn’t.
“You want another beer?”

“Yeah, sure. Grab me one.”

Buck switches out Eddie’s empty bottle for a new one before sitting back down at the table.

“Sorry the dates aren’t working out,” he says as he takes a drink of his beer. “It sucks none of
them have led to a second.”

Eddie shrugs, lays a card down.

“I gotta say I’m really not sorry they’re not working out.”

“But why? Don’t you want to have a second date with someone?”

“Why would I? I’ve got everything I want right here.”

Buck’s heart stutters in his chest as Eddie reaches his hand across the table. Buck meets him
halfway. Their fingers tangle and Eddie lets his thumb smooth over Buck’s knuckles. The
silence lingers and Buck can’t let go of Eddie’s hand. His skin is warm and alive under his
touch, just as it always is. Such a simple thing, holding hands, but everything is more with
Eddie.

“Buck?”

“Yeah?”

“Why do you keep pushing this?” Eddie closes his eyes and squeezes Buck’s hand. “Please
just give me a straightforward answer.”

“Eddie, you know why. I told you, I—”

“Stop lying.”

Eddie abruptly lets go of Buck’s hand and stands up and starts pacing, arms crossed.

“Just stop lying to me, Buck. Please.”

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Eds. I swear, I just don’t know how,” he pauses because he can feel
his voice breaking. “I don’t know how to tell you the truth.”

Eddie walks over to him and kneels in front of him, takes his hands in his own and looks up
at him with so much patience and love that Buck wants to cry. He’s gone from frustrated to
gentle so quickly, just for him, and Buck loves him so so much.

“Why?” Eddie asks. “You know you can tell me anything. Anything. Always.”

Buck grips Eddie’s hands and pulls them into his lap.

“I know. I know that. But not this.”

“Buck.” Eddie leans down and kisses Buck’s hand. “Just tell me. Not knowing is driving me
crazy.”

“I’m scared,” Buck admits. “Terrified, actually.”

“Of what?”

Buck looks into Eddie’s eyes, those warm, understanding, kind eyes that he loves so much.
He just can’t lose him. He can’t. But he’s going to if he keeps going the way he has. Eddie’s
going to get too frustrated, too annoyed, even though he says he never will, but Buck will
manage to drive him away somehow. He knows himself. This is all teetering on an edge and
Eddie’s finally going to push them both over it unless Buck tells him the truth.

“I’m afraid of losing you, so fucking afraid. And I keep thinking if I push you away first it
won’t hurt as much when you find out how much I lo—” Buck stops himself. “It won’t hurt
as much when you leave me if it’s my own doing.”

“Buck,” Eddie sighs. “I’m never going to leave you. Never. No matter how hard you push.
But if you really don’t want to lose me then why aren’t you holding onto me? Why aren’t you
digging your fingers into me and clinging to me like I’m trying to cling to you? Because I’m
clinging, Buck. I’m clinging so goddamn hard but you’re making it impossible.”

“I know,” Buck says. “I know. I’m sorry.”

Eddie’s eyes go soft, but his grip on Buck’s hands gets tighter.

“I’m digging in and clinging to you because you’re the most precious fucking thing I’ve ever
had in my life aside from Christopher and I cannot let you slip through my fingers. I can’t.
You’re all I want, all I’ve ever wanted. I’ve waited for you my whole damn life so stop
insisting I need something or someone else when it’s only ever been you, Buck.”

Eddie’s just punched all the air out of Buck’s lungs and his heart is pounding in his chest. He
can’t mean what Buck thinks he means. He can’t, because that’d mean Buck’s been an idiot
this whole time. That he’s been pushing and pushing and pushing Eddie away when he
could’ve grabbed on and held tight just like he’s always wanted to do.

“Eddie,” he manages to gasp out, but he must look a bit out of his mind, a bit wild-eyed,
because Eddie rushes on.

“I lied. I lied about every single date. I didn’t go on any of them, not one.”

“Wha- what? You didn’t?” Buck asks, hope building piece by piece inside him. He can feel
happy tears prickling his eyes.

“Not a one,” Eddie repeats with a smile. “I went to the movies by myself, ran errands, went
for long walks while I pined for you. My idiot.”

My idiot. And the way Eddie says it sounds like; my heart, my joy, my love.

Buck bursts out in happy laughter and stupid, snotty tears.

“I am,” he says. “I am your idiot.”

“You’ve always been my idiot. Nearly from day one. And I didn’t kiss you back that first
time, and all the times after, just because I wanted to get my queer on, or whatever you’ve
been thinking in your beautiful, insecure head. I kissed you because I love you and I want to
kiss you for the rest of my life. And I don’t need to have other experiences because I'm lucky
enough that the first boy I ever kissed was also the love of my life and I don’t need anything
but him.”

“Eddie, goddammit. How am I supposed to respond to that?”

Eddie rises up and kisses him, slow and sweet, and he just closes his eyes and falls into the
kiss. It’s nothing but Eddie’s lips and his love and the perfect euphoria filling Buck’s heart.

“Just say you love me too,” Eddie whispers against his lips when he pulls away from the kiss.

“I love you.”

Buck kisses him back.

“I love you, I love you, I love you.”

Eddie gets up from the floor and crawls onto Buck’s lap. He cradles Buck’s face in both of
his hands as he looks down at him.

“No more dates unless they’re with you.”

“I promise. I love you, and you’re mine.”

He feels Eddie go soft against him, like all the tension inside him has left and now he’s pliant
and warm in Buck’s arms.

“I love you so fucking much.”

“You’re my whole goddamn heart, Eds.”

Eddie wraps himself around Buck so tightly, holds him in his arms and pulls him so close,
Buck has never felt more safe and loved.

And he holds Eddie back just as tightly.

Because he’s digging in and clinging, and never letting go.

Just like Eddie asked.

End Notes

Will I ever stop having them profess their love for one another at Eddie's kitchen table?
Probably not.

You can find me on twitter, bluesky, and tumblr.

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