Full

00:00

You This job is eating me alive I Can't breathe anymore Spent all these years
trying to be the good guy the man in the white hat I'm not becoming like them

00:30

I am them Hey, what are you doing weirdo? I'm doing the best speech from Donnie
Brasco or actually Ten of me are doing the best speech from Donnie Brasco It's up
get it together man. Okay, so the store was hit about two hours ago. They took
mostly tablets laptops and cameras

00:52

Sorry I'd like a list of all your employees whoever had access to the store I'd
also like to apologize for my partner his parents didn't give him enough attention
Detective I already solved the case We're looking for three white males one of whom
has sleeved hats on both arms. And how do you know that?

01:09

I had an informant on the inside He's been here for years watching learning Waiting
his codename Fuzzy cuddle bear He's a nanny cam. Ah, you got lucky

01:23

No, I got here five minutes before you and figured that in this gigantic
electronics store there had to be at least one working camera Oh, hi bad guys. You
did it fuzzy. You busted him. It's time to come home I'm not sure if I can I've
been undercover so long. I've forgotten who I am. I've seen terrible things I
haven't known the touch of a woman in many moons

01:47

Detective Santiago Don't walk away from me Ah Captain you're at my desk. Just what
I want to see first thing in the morning. You're three minutes late Peralta Not my
fault. I had a plumbing problem

02:16

Which reminds me I'm gonna need a new departmentally issued phone Oh, come on,
really, I'm a few minutes late. So you're gonna call me out in front of everyone
good idea Everyone gather round so I can call out Peralta in front of you. Okay,
fine. I was three minutes late I'm sorry for doing one thing wrong. Oh, it's more
than one thing Let's start with the Kristoff murder. It was an amazing solve. I got
him to confess in 20 minutes

02:39

You also mislabeled the evidence. So that confession is worthless if the sergeant
hadn't caught your mistake Here are three cases with sloppy paperwork. Here are two
pictures One is your locker. The other is a garbage dump in the Philippines. Can
you tell which is which? That one's the dump they're both your locker I should have
guessed that he's good this folder is labeled Undies comma dirty so I won't confuse
it with undies comma clean. Also who cares about all these rules?

03:09
I have more felony arrests than any other detective here. You also have more mice
living in your desk than any other detective Algernon You guys Algernon's back get
rid of the mouse and get your act together now He's grumpy For the last time the
best cop movies in order training day lethal weapon and Fargo end of discussion
wrong

03:36

Die hard is the best cop movie of all time one cop heroically saving the day while
everyone else stands around and watches It's the story of my life. I like turn
hooch Tom Hanks reluctant friendship with a dog That hits me where I live now
Robocop, it's got everything. I like gratuitous violence. Oh I thought you were
listening things. No wasn't done. Let's talk bad boys. That's the perfect cop
movie. Mr

04:01

Smith looking fine a hot cup of tea of Leone. Come on Francois Truffaut's
breathless What Terry likes foreign films? Okay, there is a correct answer to this
question though. So gather around for the greatest cop film of all time

04:17

Please refrain from texting during our presentation It's a there's Hitchcock and
there's an old hooker Come on guys that happened four years ago. This is the best
part. She comes back takes the wallet and here she goes I'm so glad we could
finally do this. I know Kylie says you're always stuck at the precinct. Yeah
Speaking of this is work. Sorry

04:44

What's up Peralta captain called he needs everybody back there's a lead on the
nightingale strangler We're looking for a white male 510 medium build brown hair
small scar on his right cheek Okay, his mo is he finds lonely women with no friends
poisons their food and then guts him in his van It's pretty gnarly last seen
wearing a salmon shirt gray blazer And witnesses have said he has trouble fitting
lettuce in his mouth, okay

05:13

Where are you? Apparently has the world's smallest penis and doesn't know how to
use it. Hi there. I'm Jake Peralta Amy's boss But that's not true. What are you
doing here? I am here on a date Who is now leaving? Worth it. Have a great night
Your boss seems really nice. He's not my boss. Yes, I am

05:30

Hey, you guys see the dude I brought in today the drug dealer 81 years old. I think
it's the oldest collar of my entire career. I once arrested a 96 year old for
flashing I was terrified. He died in my backseat Flash me. My oldest scholar was
78, but the PCP made her fight like she was 20 What about two 50 year old twins
does that count as a hundred year old? No good. No, you're talking oldest bags

05:55

68 that's not that old. Yeah, but I was only 20 20. Were you even a cop then? No,
man It was before I got into the Academy Charles isn't talking about his oldest
arrest No, yes, yes, I am. Yeah oldest arrest 68 Like I said God you had sex with a
68 year old when you were in your 20s

06:14

You know how it is. You have a chance to bed an older woman. You know, that's not
an older woman That's an old woman. That's someone's grandma. She was actually
that's how I met her Oh Don't knock it she had a replacement hip with some serious
torque having sex with a Transformer that is no one's fantasy Sorry Sarge Oh

06:41

Halloween is the worst Everyone's drunk wearing a mask and carrying a fake gun Plus
all the girls think they have to dress sexy. I know that is the worst. Please make
them stop I passed a slutty tree on the way here. Who wants to have sex with a
tree? Was it a maple? Was it a maple? Buongiorno, buongiorno

07:00

Pretty cool. Stoom, huh? Stoom short for costume. Ah, all right. Let me guess you
are dumpy Chuck Norris No, I don't be wrong Weasley. No guys. Stop it He put
thought into his costume and he is obviously Miranda from sex in the city guys I'm
Mario Batali multiple Mario celebrity chef ginger prince of little Italy Is he also
a homeless troll doll cuz you look like a homeless troll doll a sweet Batali
costume, dude

07:26

Thank you. There's a man with impeccable taste. He bit a guy's butt off at a WNBA
game Eric Stoltz for mask. I'll take it. I Hope you're all well rested. It's gonna
be a busy night. The holding cell is completely full I keep having to separate
Hillary Clinton and Kim Jong-un Stop it. Stop making out

07:46

Hey, no What would Bill say we need to undercovers at the DeKalb Street warehouse
party? Boyle you're already in costume as Joy Behar. I'm Mario Batali. Okay, and
Santiago you go with him. Yes, sir Damn it

08:03

Santiago I know that you hate Halloween but stick with me and I promise you you
will love it Can you magically make everyone kind sober and fully dressed kind
sober and fully dressed good news everyone We found the name of Santiago sex tape
Hey cap'n got a second. It's captain. What did I say captain like? Captain crunch.
All right, but to be fair captain crunch was a war hero and the primary male role
model in my house growing up. So

08:31

Anyways cap 10, you know that jewelry store robbery down by Grand Army Plaza I know
who did it Dustin Whitman. I put him in Rikers two years ago He just got out and
the crime scene matches his mo perfectly Okay, what do we got? Security cam shows
male suspect five foot nine wearing a black ski mask

08:49

He bypassed McConnell alarm by using the magnetic kill switch and he only sold
diamonds nothing over two carats. Yeah, exactly How'd you know? I'm a detective
That's what I do I'm just kidding. I need a lot more information, but that would
have been a great exit line, right? Crime techs aren't done yet, but I'm a hundred
percent sure it's women

09:07

Well, let's see what kind of physical evidence they turn up and then we can talk
arrest actually Hilarious story. So that is Dustin Whitman. You already arrested
him with insufficient evidence By law, we have 48 hours to find that evidence. We
have to let him go You just start at the clock

09:28

Oh Detective Santiago big day tonight. How do I look? Well, I think you look Sorry,
I was supposed to be a cat call I don't know how this works Hey, is this why you
were getting makeup tips from the prostitute in the holding cell? I just wanted to
know how she got such smoky eyes

09:51

Turns out it was an STD rash Detective Peralta has made a collar in the jewelry
store Heights. Way to go. Jakey. That's okay No, he didn't get sufficient evidence
to make it stick. So we have the next 48 hours to fix his mistake What evidence did
you have when you arrested this guy some pretty ironclad stuff? Dustin it's been a
while. Mind if I ask you a few questions? Well, well, well

10:14

If it isn't Joe Peralta That's it. You're under arrest case closed If we don't find
something conclusive, it jeopardizes the case and opens the department up to a
lawsuit. So cancel your plans We're here until this is over. Damn it

10:29

Oh, I know everyone's mad at Peralta for ruining their weekend But that was it I
was just demonstrating for detective Peralta what a fact is Careful only get one
shot at this problem. Don't worry. I know what I'm doing. I saw the first 15
minutes of the hurt locker Hurry, the stench is too much. We gotta get those shoes
out of here. How much time do we have? Scully ate his pot pie 30 minutes ago. So we
probably got 10 minutes left on this nap 12 if he's turkey tired

11:03

It's trapped abort mission I have an idea Let's send these shoes to hell Wait,
yeah, it just smells worse than before Abort oh, this is amazing. This is so
amazing. Everything about this is amazing What are you talking about a virus got on
the server and sent all of us an email with everyone's search histories

11:38

Check this out sergeant Jeffords searched the internet for undiscovered muscle. I
was working out and saw a muscle in my shoulder I've never seen before. I thought
it might have been a scientific discovery. Listen to this Scully search for how
much fudge is in a calorie I never found the answer, but it's a good question. Well
looked up how to make desk yogurt Yes, I did and I am thrilled with the results.
Although the jar is really hot That's gross and Amy searched for Daniel Craig hands
plus close-up. Oh

12:09
You should talk you searched for cheapest date possible and I wear that search like
a badge of honor So ready for dinner? Here we go Would you like something sweet or
maybe savory apple pie and I'm stuck I'm stuck Happy turkey day. Yes right out of
the gate. What what's going on? We're playing boil bingo Thanksgiving edition

12:34

Everyone filled out their cards with possible Charles related scenarios first to
bingo gets 100 bucks I had boil calls at turkey day in the center square Boyle
explains that they eat lobsters at the first Thanksgiving. They did back in that
time They called lobsters ocean bugs and I'll just mark it off for you I think I
got the winning card here a Boyle tells us that he played Pocahontas in his third
grade play

12:53

All the girls were too big. This is a fun one. Boyle says gobble gobble gobble
Well, now that I know you want me to say that I'll just say it with two gobbles
Gobble yeah, it just it just sounds right that way. I don't like this game I don't
like this game Well objects to boil bingo. Come on guys Boyle says come on guys.
That's too for Terry

13:14

Well, guess what? I can spoil your little game by sitting over here quietly all day
and doing nothing. Oh Anybody have boil falls on the floor no one that's a victory.
That's a victory for boil. Boom All right, you take the skinny one on the right
take the big one on the left Stop hitting Santa What's going on here? I've been on
this corner for six years. Suddenly this guy shows up. You don't own this corner

13:46

I got a charity to canine diabetes who cares about a fat dog and I can't give them
some shots. They got Paul I'm down. Calm down Oil first the skinny one. I've gone
42 years without a lump of coal. I'm not gonna start now. Are you kidding me? Fine.
Come here, buddy Oh

14:22

Merry Christmas He's here. Well, it's here. This is so fun. I wish you guys got
shot more often But but but back in the nine nine Welcome back detective. Wow. Is
this all for me? Of course it is. What are you wearing there, buddy? None of my
pants fit over my butt cast lucky for me. My mom lent me her leg warmers. That is
lucky pretty sweet scooter

14:47

Oh, yeah, I know check out these doughnuts That went terribly can I help you with
something? Nope. Nope. Everything's under control. I picked up a couple of reacher
grabbers So I'm able to do everything that I used to do. So now if you'll excuse me
I'm going to go make myself a morning cup of coffee like I do every day The heart
is the hardest part

15:16

Let me get that for you boy. No need no need at all. That's sweet Rosa. Here we go
Hey Charles, just take my coffee. It's fresh. Okay, I guess I mean if you don't
mind No problem, why wouldn't you just use your other hand? Cold milk cold milk.
Oh, it's coming out the bottom. It is coming out the bottom Charles this is
exciting Medal of Valor. I know we're getting shot in the butt

15:52

For Exceptional acts of heroism or voluntary risk of personal safety, but you know
six one This is one of the NYPD's highest honors today is your day detective Boyle
Heroism can't be measured by a piece of metal But what else can we do to recognize
the brave officers that have put their lives on the line?

16:15

It is my great honor to present the Medal of Valor to detective Charles Boyle And
sergeant peanut butter Oh Charles is getting the same medal as a horse. At least
Boyle was announced first because the horse outranks him. This is amazing That's
enough Peralta. This is a huge honor and nothing can take that away from him. The
horse is pooping on the stage

16:48

Sergeant peanut butter is pooping on the stage Morning Scully, how was your
weekend? Oh fun. Kelly and I hit the park went for a long walk Fell asleep watch
the TV. Yeah, sounds like a fun weekend with Kelly. So Kelly is that Scully's wife
or his dog? Wait, no one knows Scully's wife's name. I think Kelly's his dog went
for a long walk

17:12

That's what you do with a dog. You can go on a long walk with a person at sunset
Talking about nothing and everything. It sounds awful hit the park. That's a dog.
My wife takes the babies to the park all the time All right, we're doing this Let's
play wife or dog Hey, so Scully, what do you do at the park with Kelly? Oh, we just
walk around

17:33

She gets antsy if she doesn't get outside enough and then it's just yep. Yep. Yeah
all day long Hey, what's Kelly's favorite food peanut butter? She'll eat it right
out of the jar How old is Kelly again? Well, she's getting up there, but she's
pretty spry for her age Especially considering she got hit by that car a year ago.
Oh, that's so awful. Was she chasing something into the street or nah Just getting
me in the newspaper. All right, this is useless Scully is Kelly your wife or your
dog? How can you ask me that? I

18:04

Still don't know which it is could be either could not tell you We busted murderers
we've taken down cartels, but today we face the worst New York has to offer the
fire department Fire marshal boom we meet again detective Peralta your flies down.
I made you look I didn't look and I'm wearing shorts There is no fly. That's not
what your mom said. You make no sense. And now I'm inside your head prepare to die

18:37

I Don't have to dance every time true, but I choose the day Every time You have one
play you give the ball to Jeffords and he runs it in I I'd like to see you score
one good because You're about to see it. You're about to see it straight to hell

19:11
Oh Everyone check your email the greatest thing that could ever happen has just
happened the girl who beat you for high school valedictorian died No, Kevin Cosner
requests your presence at Raymond's birthday party. Who's Kevin Cosner? Is he the
star of dances with wolves? He's Captain Holt's husband. Captain Raymond Holt.
We're invited to the captain's birthday party Oh the captain's party and whatnot. I
can't wait to see the inside of Raymond's house

19:51

I'm gonna learn everything there is to know about him. I bet it's really fancy like
Beauty and the Beast fancy No It's probably just an empty white cube with a USB
port in it for him to plug his finger in when he's on sleep mode Apparently my
husband Kevin has invited you all to my party. There's very little street parking.
No gifts. No singing of happy birthday Should be fun

20:11

Sounds fantastic Did you hear that? His husband invited us not him. He so doesn't
want us there. Yes, he does. It was kind of a last-minute invite Just stir in the
pot Why wouldn't hope want to stare because he thinks we're gonna embarrass him in
front of his husband, which frankly is insulting

20:30

Oh, man, all the orange soda spilled out of my cereal Dry and dishes Yeah Man,
Charles has been so happy and confident ever since he hooked up with that professor
at the captain's party She has tenure and also has ten years times two

20:50

Older than him that sucked. Yeah, it's nice to see him like this. He's so confident
this morning He finally corrected the barista when she called him Charlize. He's
been living in Charlize broil for five years. It's great It's all so great. He
could take it down just a smidge if you like pina coladas That guy Charles, sorry
But whatever I can handle the singing. I'm just so happy for that guy

21:14

It's about time you caught a break sexy train is leaving the station check out this
caboose Later slots. Just let him have it. Great job boil So again, your alibi is a
mysterious stranger handed you the gun made you put your prints on it rob the store
And then hid the gun in your underpants. Well, yeah, if you say it like that, it
don't sound believable Oh, hey captain. Did you get my report on the Finley murder?
Oh, yeah, I looked it over. Nice work. Good. Thanks, Dad

21:46

Why is everyone staring at me you just called captain hold dad you said thanks dad
what no I didn't I said, thanks man Do you see me as a father figure Peralta? No,
if anything I see you as a bother figure cuz you're always bothering me Hey Show
your father some respect. I didn't call him dad. No, no, no, no Jacob. I take it as
a compliment It's not a big deal. I called Vivian mom once and she's my fiance guys
jump on that boy

22:11

I'll have psychosexual issues old news, but you calling Holt daddy Hey, daddy is
not on the table here, but you did call him dad, dude, you shut up You've done
nothing but lie since you got here. All right, I was lying about the holdup, but
the dad thing that happened He admitted that his alibi was a lie, it was a trap all
part of my crazy Devious plan. I believe you. Thank you, son

22:35

You want to talk about it later over a game of catch? I'd like that for you and You
and you what are these these madam are STDs? STDs

22:52

What are you talking about buddy STDs save the dates for Vivian and my wedding ah
Yes. Hey just out of curiosity. How many people have you given STDs to lots like a
hundred What's going on? Uh, oh, okay. I get it STD has another meaning that you're
gross No one else is gonna think that everyone is going to think that but it's
sweet that your mind didn't go there Thank you. It is kind of sweet. Will your
first dance be to you give me fever

23:20

Will you be serving crabs at the reception? Do you have herpes guys? This is my
wedding. This is important to me No more jokes, you're right, and we're sorry. Yes.
We love you, buddy Warts and all sorry. I made a rash decision. I was itching to
say it. Okay, I'm done. I Have an STD So just RSVP or yeah, the numbers right on
answers great

23:44

All right gang diet day four, how's everyone holding up honestly, I'm going to last
forever you hear that bitches I'm doing great this morning. The homeless guy in my
stoop said my skin looked dope. What's going on? Why do you all have matching bags?
We're doing a diet together. My wife found it She heard about it at mommy and me
graphic design. Wait, it might have been toddler karate She takes our little ladies
to so many classes I can't keep it straight childhood is truly a time of wonder

24:14

This diet is very scientific, sir. All the meals are pre-planned and delivered to
your doorstep This is our breakfast an orange wedge three cashew nuts and a
solitary grape. It's actually more than you realize Sometimes I can't even finish
all the grape. Well, this seems unnecessary to me. You're all in perfect shape You
can always be healthier sir, and I like the challenge plus it's good team-building
We're gonna get through this together. Hey guys pro tip lick the baggie there's
food molecules

24:48

Whoa, what's with the cast I sprained my wrist. Oh, no, what happened? Don't worry
about it. I'm fine Yeah, geez Amy back off leave the guy alone. All right, huddle
up everybody So he wouldn't say what happened which can only mean one thing. He's
in a fight club No, he did it doing something. He's embarrassed by like smiling.
Only question is how do you hurt your arm smiling? Could be a sports injury. I
sprained my wrist in college playing field hockey

25:13

Men's field hockey. Yeah, it's much more violent than the women's game We're not
allowed to wear anything that protects our breasts attention everyone I can hear
you speculating about the nature and origin of my injury from my office. I tripped
over an uneven sidewalk I did not think it was relevant to your jobs the jobs which
you should all be doing right now Get to work

25:37

Do you want to know how I actually hurt my wrist Yes, I was hula-hooping Kevin and
I attend a class for fitness and for fun. Oh my god. I've mastered all the moves
the pizza toss the tornado the scorpion the

25:54

oopsie doodle Why are you telling me this? Because no one will ever believe you no
Sick son of a bitch

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