2 Plays by Nicole J.

Burton

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2 PLAYS

by

Nicole J. Burton

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BOSON BOOKS
Raleigh

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 2 Plays by Nicole J. Burton

Published by Boson Books

3905 Meadow Field Lane
Raleigh, NC 27606

ISBN 1-886420-73-4

An imprint of C&M Online Media Inc.

Copyright 2000 Nicole J. Burton

All rights reserved

For Information contact

C&M Online Media Inc.
3905 Meadow Field Lane
Raleigh, NC 27606
Tel: (919) 233-8164
e-mail: cm@cmonline.com
URL: http://www.cmonline.com/

Cover art by Joel Barr

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Note: Professional and amateur performances of this

play are subject to royalties. Applications for
permission to perform the play must be made in
advance, before rehearsals begin, to Nicole J. Burton,
4712 Oliver Street, Riverdale, Maryland, 20737.

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DEP-LOVE

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Cast of Characters

ALMA A swarthy-skinned woman in her mid- to late-thirties who gazes at

the world through the sweet eyes of wisdom

HAZEL A fiery nine-year-old with a bronzy-olive complexion whose darting

eyes mirror her vigilance

Both the characters may be played by actresses of a variety of ethnic and racial
backgrounds, as long as they are not fair-skinned or blond. Middle class English
accents may be attempted or suggested but not belabored. No cockneys or queens,
please. Although Persian, Alma speaks English well.

The Setting

Summer 1966. The place is Fatima Fortune Hairdressers, a shabby salon in a small
English town. Bottles of shampoo and conditioner line a shelf. Combs stand in a jar
of sterilizing liquid. There are magazines and a small crystal ball covered with a
velvet cloth on a table; a styling chair; and hairstyle pictures on the wall.

Pronunciation Notes

The word Jun is an endearment in Farsi (Persian) that means `dear,' `sweetheart,'
or `honey.' It is pronounced like the month of June, with a slight softening of /j/ to
/ch/.

The word shalln't meaning `shall not' is pronounced /shahnt/.

The word plaits meaning `braids,' is pronounced /platz/.

Aden, now part of the People's Democratic Republic of Yeman, formerly a British
colony is pronounced /Ay-dn/, stress on the first syllable.

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DEP-LOVE

AT RISE: A radio is playing soft pop music. ALMA is sweeping hair

into a pile at stage center. A door slams and HAZEL enters, glad to
see ALMA.

ALMA
Hazel, jun. Look at you so big now! When did you grow so much? And look at that
face! Let me see you ...
(ALMA takes HAZEL's shoulders and looks her over.)

HAZEL
My feet are bigger, too.
(She puts up a foot to show that her sandals are undone—too tight to
buckle.)

ALMA
I'm so glad to see you. And we have all the time in the world together.
(Hugs her)
Sit down.
(She sits her down in the styling chair and begins combing her hair.)
Tell me all about school this term.

HAZEL
I have a 93% average.

ALMA
That's excellent! You do so well in everything.

HAZEL
Except Divinity. I hate it.

ALMA
What's wrong with Divinity?

HAZEL
I don't like Sister Mary. She showed my neck to everybody during inspection. She
said i was a dirty girl. Now no one's allowed to use talcum powder anymore. It's
stupid.

ALMA
(Lifting her hair)
It looks like a lovely neck to me. Divinity was always my favorite subject.

HAZEL
Maybe you had a better teacher.

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ALMA
I had a wonderful teacher. I think you'll get a better teacher soon.

HAZEL
Sister Mary's going to die?

ALMA
What do I always say?

HAZEL
"Be prepared for anything."

ALMA
What shall we do with you today?

HAZEL
Shampoo and set?

ALMA
I want to do something special. So you'll remember me.

HAZEL
(Alarmed)
Where are you going?

ALMA
What makes you think I'm going anywhere?

HAZEL
Then why did you say that?

ALMA
Maybe you're going somewhere?

HAZEL
Where?

ALMA
Maybe to a family.

HAZEL
I don't want a family.

ALMA
Shh.
(Leaning over her from the back of the chair.)
You're all atremble, my sweet almond. It's bound to happen one day. Let's see,

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what shall we put on you today? Did I condition last time?

HAZEL
I'm not going.

ALMA
I think we'll do something new. You've had old-fashioned plaits for long enough.

HAZEL
That's all you can do with my hair.

ALMA
What about some Dep? I like Dep.
(She applies some Dep gel and massages it into the hair.)
You can put it on your hair anytime and it helps make it manageable and shiny.
What do you think about a french braid for a change? And a fringe? I think you
would look very chic. Just like Audrey Hepburn.

HAZEL
Who told you I was going to a family?

ALMA
I saw it in the ball. Would you like to see?
(She takes the velvet cloth off the crystal ball on the table.)

HAZEL
I never see anything in there.

ALMA
Well, keep trying. I see ... a family with two other children, a boy and a girl. The girl
is a bit slow. They have a yellow retriever and a boat and the mother has pretty
brown hair. She could use a new style. The father is kind and intelligent and almost
bald.

HAZEL
What color is the boy's hair?

ALMA
Blond, like his sister's.

HAZEL
I'm not going.

ALMA
Now, now. Not everyone's lucky enough to dark hair and pretty brown skin like us.

HAZEL

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I wouldn't fit in.

ALMA
You won't know till you try.

HAZEL
I've tried already.

ALMA
I'm going to trim off some length. Have you been brushing a hundred strokes every
night?
(She trims HAZEL's hair lightly.)

HAZEL
Yes.

ALMA
Imagine having someone to brush your hair a hundred strokes every night.
Imagine a hundred bedtime stories, a hundred hair clips and ribbons. Imagine
someone washing your hair for you.

HAZEL
I hate washing my hair with a cup. I can't get the shampoo out, then I get into
trouble. I can't help it. It's hard!

ALMA
If God had intended little girls to wash their own hair in a basin, she would have
given them cups instead of these sweet hands.
(ALMA kisses HAZEL's hands)
You don't want to stay at the Home forever, do you?

HAZEL
I wish I could stay with you.

ALMA
And you will.
(Hand on her heart)
Right here.

HAZEL
I mean really.

ALMA
Hazel, jun, already there are three of us, me, my husband, and little Fatima—living
in a caravan. There's no room for a big girl like you, but here ...

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(rubbing her heart)

... there's always room. I have something for you.
(She undoes a silver locket from around her neck and hands it to
HAZEL.)
It doesn't open. Sealed forever, you and me.

HAZEL
(Handing it back)
They'll say I stole it.

ALMA
(Taking the locket and fastening it around HAZEL's neck)
Then just wear it here. Look how pretty!

HAZEL
(Fingering the locket)
Thank you.

ALMA
You and me, forever.
(They link little fingers and shake them in a special gesture. ALMA
begins to braid HAZEL's hair.)
Now, it won't stay like this, you know that, don't you?

HAZEL
Stay like what?

ALMA
Your hair. It wants to escape like a wild thing in all directions. But you'll have a
good cut and maybe someone else will style it for you. A mother, perhaps.

HAZEL
Why does she want me?

ALMA
She wants three children. She doesn't know why, but she wants three. Sometimes
it's because they were lonely children themselves. She was lonely, I think.

HAZEL
What about him?

ALMA
He wants someone who's as clever as he is. That's you.

HAZEL

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Where do they live?

ALMA
Saffron Waldon, not far.

HAZEL
So I could come and visit you?
(ALMA is silent. HAZEL becomes distressed.)
Why not?

ALMA
(Swings the chair around)
Do you listen to the radio at the home?

HAZEL
It was on at supper this week.

ALMA
Do you know why?

HAZEL
Because the government's at war with someone?

ALMA
That's right. The British government is at war with my husband's country. And all
the British are leaving Aden and the Egyptians are going home.

HAZEL
Are you going away?

ALMA
I have to.

HAZEL
You're not Egyptian, you're a Persian gypsy. That's what you told me.

ALMA
And I am. But if he goes, I must go.

HAZEL
But ...

ALMA
No, wait. Listen to me first ...

HAZEL
(Jumps up out of the chair)

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You lied to me! You said you weren't going anywhere. There isn't any family. You
made it up.

ALMA
(Grabbing her by the shoulders)
I did not. I have never lied to you. And I tell you, leaving you, the shop, my
country—this is my country now—it's the hardest thing I've ever done.

HAZEL
Why can't he stay here?

ALMA
Oh, Hazel. I don't have to tell you, jun, what people in this country do to you if
you're different. Nazir is fed up. You know what they say about you and your color,
and you're Christian. Well, they do the same but ten times worse to him because
he's not.

HAZEL
Why can't you stay here with Fatima and me?

ALMA
He's her father, Hazel. Besides, we shalln't stay in Aden long. His eyes have been
opened to a whole new world, and he won't soon close them.

HAZEL
Will you come back?

ALMA
(Pause)
No. We'll go to America. To Cleveland, where my cousin lives. God allowing.

HAZEL
God! I hate him. You're supposed to say your prayers, and he's supposed to do
things for you, but he never listens to my prayers ...

ALMA
Jun ...

HAZEL
And when he does answer them, he gets it all wrong. I want to stay with you. I
don't want it to be like the Home anymore.

ALMA
(Turning her back around and finishing her hair)
How can I explain it? God has nothing to do with a man who makes your wishes
come true. Besides, God is a woman.

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HAZEL
Not in church.

ALMA
What do they know? Listen to Alma who sees it in the ball. And one day, you will
see it, too. God is a woman who tucks you in at night, every night. She holds you in
the water when you're floating. The more you float, the more she holds you. But
she doesn't take orders. She's not some kind of servant. She listens, she advises,
but softly. You can hear her voice in the wind down at Yarmouth. She helps us if we
let her. And she takes care of us when we don't.

HAZEL
I don't see how being at the Home's taking care of me. Why didn't God give my
mother some money so she could keep me?

ALMA
Hazel, jun, maybe it wasn't money. Maybe she wasn't allowed to keep you. And
some things, they never make sense. All I'm saying is you have to trust a little
more. I see a beautiful family for you in my ball. There, are you not adorable?
(ALMA gives her the mirror and shows her the back.)

HAZEL
It's nice. When will they come?

ALMA
Next week, before I leave.

HAZEL
I'll miss you.

ALMA
I'll miss you, too. We can write to each other, you know.

HAZEL
Can we?

ALMA
Of course. And no one will read your mail anymore. You can write whenever and
whatever you want.

HAZEL
Really?

ALMA
Everything is going to change in the best possible way. Trust me.

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HAZEL
Can I look in the ball?

ALMA
Yes. Let's have a good look over tea. Will you be `mother' and pour?
(ALMA places the ball carefully on the magazine table. HAZEL pours two cups of
tea.)

HAZEL
You will write to me, won't you?

ALMA
Yes.
(She takes HAZEL's hand and puts it over her (ALMA's) heart, and HAZEL does
the same.)
Two hearts. Yours and mine, forever. Never to part.

HAZEL
Never to part.
(They link little fingers again, smile, and begin looking in the ball.)

FADEOUT

END OF PLAY

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FREUDIAN SLIP

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Cast of Characters

Walter Reinisch III42, gay administrative officer

Victoria Brava52, dynamic division director

Sally Jewell 62, quiet but attractive executive secretary

Accounting Stickler All played by the same actress (with simple costume
changes)
Complainer
Packrat
Human Resources Nazi

Multicultural casting greatly preferred.

The Setting

The set is a modern office.

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(A modern office with two desks, four chairs, and a coat rack. The entrance to
VICTORIA's office is at SL.

At rise, WALTER is collating and stapling packets of information across the floor
and into SALLY's cubicle.)

WALTER
"Frere jacques, frere jacques
Dormez vous, woo-woo-woo
Dormez vous..."
(He staples like a demon)
"... Soggy lemon wieners, soggy lemon wieners
Ding, dang, dong
Ding, dang, DANG!"
(He shakes and sucks his thumb, which he almost stapled. VICTORIA enters.)

VICTORIA
Can I help?

WALTER
These need to go into the plum folders ... dang! that hurt.

VICTORIA
These?

WALTER
Yes, but don't ...
(VICTORIA gets down on the floor and starts stuffing folders.)

VICTORIA
Where's Sally? She's not taking the day off, is she?

WALTER
I hope not. I tried calling her about the schedule change, but I never got an answer.
I hope nothing's happened to her?

VICTORIA
She probably took Angel someplace and forgot to turn on the machine.

WALTER
That's it. They were going to Atlantic City again!

VICTORIA
Did you ever see two people more different than Sally and her mother? Sally:
frugal, conservative, careful, and Angel: gambling, free-wheeling .... You know
Angel would drive a motorcycle if she wasn't in a wheelchair, eighty years old or

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not! Anything else go into the packet?

WALTER
I'll do it. It's unseemly for you to crawl around the floor on your hands and knees.
People might talk.
(WALTER extends a hand to VICTORIA, who gets up and brushes herself off.)
Not that they're not talking already.

VICTORIA
I know. Employees are rushing over to say how pleased they are to be empowered.
(SALLY rushes in, wearing a coat.)

SALLY
I'm sorry I'm lewd! Good morning, Victoria. Good morning, Walter.

VICTORIA
Good morning. Take your coat off and sit down. I have good news and bad news.
The good news is we still have an hour before the monthly all-hands meeting at 10
...

SALLY
That's next Thursday.

VICTORIA
... no, we had to reschedule. And the bad news is we had to completely cancel the
Halloween Costume Contest, I'm sorry to say. We sent out an E-mail on Friday
while you were gone. The Secretary was in a tizzy. I have to go downtown this
afternoon and calm the other directors about empowerment. Seems they're afraid
we might not need them anymore to make decisions.
(Laughs)
SALLY
(Shocked)
No Halloween? And the meeting's ... this morning?

VICTORIA
(Opens a folder and reads)
Remember this month's discussion topic: "How to Flatten the Organization & Not
Get Smashed!" All we need are the awards certificates. Walter's got the list. Can I
get you some coffee on the way to my 9 o'clock? Love those earrings, by the way!
(VICTORIA touches one of SALLY's orange plastic pumpkin earrings and scoops
up a stack of folders.)

SALLY
No, thank you.

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VICTORIA
If you need anything, I'll be at the Unit Chiefs' meeting.
(VICTORIA exits. SALLY is stunned.)

WALTER
Did you win anything? That bad, huh. Oh, yoo-hoo?
(WALTER passes a hand in front of SALLY's stunned, glazed expression.)

SALLY
(Takes a few deep breaths to calm herself)
I've made a terrible mistake.
(Another deep breath)
But I can get through it. Yes, I can. Good morning, Walter.

WALTER
We did that already. What's wrong? You look as white as a WASP's be-hind.

SALLY
Could lend me your clothes?

WALTER
Darling, I'm generous to a fault, and you do look good in grey flannel, but the fit
would be dreadful. What's wrong with what you've got on? What do you have on?
Take your coat off.
(SALLY wraps her coat tightly around her.)
Oh, you didn't! You dog! You dressed up for the costume contest. Let's see.

SALLY
I'm afraid I can't.

WALTER
Cant is for Bible-beaters. Come on, show me and I'll see what I can do.

SALLY
No.
(The ACCOUNTING STICKLER enters, wearing glasses.)
Excuse me. Good morning. May I hurt you today?

ACCOUNTING STICKLER
We're doing a travel audit. I need you to add the EOD, birth dates, and initial each
one of these travel applications.
(She drops a massive pile of paper on the desk and folds her arms.)

SALLY
Good grief!

ACCOUNTING STICKLER

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That's '94. We need them right now. I'll bring '93 later.

SALLY
(Smiles sweetly)
Fine. I'll get to them shortly.

ACCOUNTING STICKLER
We need them now. God's breathing down my neck.

SALLY
God?

ACCOUNTING STICKLER
GAO. When can I come back?

SALLY
I'll put someone on it right away. Tell God we'll be with him in a jiffy.

ACCOUNTING STICKLER
I'll tell him. He won't like it.
(The ACCOUNTING STICKLER exits. SALLY quickly dials a number, fanning
herself with a folder. WALTER starts work on the certificates.)

SALLY
Would you please come and help me on a crash project?
(She gets an earful. Listens patiently.)
I understand, I'm sorry about your feet.
(More in the ear.)
As soon as you've finished, then. I really need your help.
(SALLY hangs up and begins to panic)
Walter, I have to go home and change.

WALTER
You can't—you'll miss the meeting. Now, darling, don't give Uncle Walter the cold
shoulder.
(He folds his hands in his lap.)
There are two dozen awards this month. You need my help, too.

SALLY
I can't! You don't understand! I can't stay here!
(A loud moan is heard offstage. Enter the COMPLAINER, limping. No glasses this
time.)

COMPLAINER
I have to see the nurse in a few minutes.
(Noticing SALLY's coat still on)
Are you leaving or something?

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WALTER
She's just cold. Touch of the 'flu.

COMPLAINER
I'm not staying if you've got the 'flu ...

SALLY
He's only jerking, I mean, joking. I spilled coffee down my dress. Haven't made it
to the ladies room yet.

COMPLAINER
Coffee's so acid. It ate right through the front of my dress once. Rags was all that
was left.
SALLY
Oh, gracious. Well, what I need for you to do is take these forms ...
(indicates the stack)
... and add the entry-on-duty and birth dates to each form and initial each one in
this ...
(indicating the tiny box)
... tiny little box. You can get the information from this lust. List.
(hands her a printout)

COMPLAINER
All of them? How long's it going to take?

SALLY
I wouldn't think very long, but I have to work on a project for this morning's
meeting. You can sit over there. Thank you so much.

COMPLAINER
This is stupid.
(SALLY stands next to WALTER, looking at the list of awards.)

SALLY
It does appear that way.
(To WALTER)
Why don't I read the names and you type in the information for the certificates.

WALTER
Hit it.

SALLY
Wendy Akin, Super Incentive Award ...

COMPLAINER
Weedy Akin's getting an award?

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SALLY
Victoria's at a meeting. Would you like to use her office? That way we won't disturb
you.

COMPLAINER
You're not disturbing me.

SALLY
All the same, do make yourself comfortable in her office.

COMPLAINER
Okay.
(The COMPLAINER exits SL. WALTER ceremoniously puts his hands in his lap
again.)

SALLY
Ronald Browning. For Meritorious Cronyism.
(WALTER looks at her and doesn't budge.)
What's wrong? Please, Walter, don't do this! You've always been my friend!

WALTER
That's what I thought ...

SALLY
Look. I'll do the certificates with you, then I'm going home. It was just a whim.
Nathaniel suggested it.

WALTER
Oh, it's a fourth grader's fault you don't trust me.

SALLY
No! I only meant ... We were having ice-cream at the IHOP after tutoring last
Saturday. Nathaniel asked me what I was going to be for Halloween. And I said,
"Nothing—grown-ups don't get dressed for Halloween." And he said you just make
up a costume from crazy stuff you have around the house and ... have fun.

WALTER
And?

SALLY
Well ... I had a lot of time to kill waiting for Angel at the craps tables. And I got to
thinking what I had in my wardrobe. Which is, nothing fun at all.

WALTER
You dressed as a Wall Street banker? "We earn money the old-fashioned way, we
steal it!"

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SALLY
No, it's worse than that: I had a bright idea. I'd been reading this book about
Wilhelm Reich ...

WALTER
Wilhelm Reich ...

SALLY
I don't know why I was reading it at all! It's just ... there's this English professor
who comes into the IHOP every Saturday as well. Actually, I don't know he's an
English professor. It's silly. That's what I call him, "My English Professor." He
wears a tweed jacket and has a reddish beard and he's always reading a book. Last
Saturday he opened the door as we were leaving ... and my hand touched his. Later
I was browsing the psychology section at the library ...

WALTER
... wasn't he a friend of Freud's?

SALLY
Yes. They split over the orgone theory. And I found this book of interviews, and I
started reading and thinking ... and one thing led to another, and now I'm the only
one ...
(Begins to sob)
It's so humiliating.

WALTER
I was going to come as split pea soup and waddle around in a bean pot and green
tights all day. It can't be any worse than that.

SALLY
It is. If I show you ... think about all the embarrassing things you've ever told me
about your social life. And be compassionate!
(Sobs again)

WALTER
Darling, I'm in your power.
(With the coast clear and WALTER's rapt attention, SALLY shyly slips off her
coat.)
You're ... in your underwear. What are you?
(He ponders SALLY who is wearing a sexy cream silk slip over a black turtleneck
and tights, festooned with labels such as PSYCHE, ID, EGO, SUPER-
EGO, ORAL/ANAL, FREE ASSOCIATION, SEX. WALTER reads her
name tag on the front.)
"Hi, My name is Siggy." Dang, you're deep. I give up. What are you?
(SALLY turns, showing the back of the slip to WALTER only. On the back of her
slip is a sign that says "Penis Envy" enclosed in an International No

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red circle. The audience does not see this until the end of the play.)
You're Sigmund Freud!
(SALLY points to her name tag, then tugs on the slip, ala' charades. She points
again to her name tag and tugs again on the slip.)

Freud ... slip ... Freud-slip. Freudian Slip!

SALLY
Yes!
(Jumping up and down, she accidentally jumps up into WALTER's arms,
immediately disengaging.)
I'm so sorry! Are you uptight?

WALTER
It's nothing my personal restrainer can't massage away. Darling, your costume's
cerebral yet naughty. I love it!

SALLY
(Quickly putting her coat on again)
It's partly your fault.

WALTER
How may I take credit?

SALLY
At the Chili Cook-off last week, you said I was dull. That I lacked pizzazz.

WALTER
Au contraire, mon cher. I said your chili lacked pizzazz. I said you were "ungilded,"
totally different.

SALLY
You said even my mother says I'm dull. Of course, by her standards, everyone is.
Do I have your oath as a gentleman and a Southerner, not a word, ever, to anyone?

WALTER
It may kill me, but if I must die, let it be for the pleasure principle. Too bad your
slip's five sizes too small. I might ask to borrow it.

SALLY
Don't you dare!

WALTER
Shall we continue?
(He motions SALLY back to the awards list.)

SALLY

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Libby Budd. Adopted Suggestion. In appreciation for suggesting we obtain trash

cans for the kitchen.

WALTER
(Typing)
Doesn't take much to succeed in today's government.

SALLY
Lewd Grunge-Rich. Browbeating in the Courseness of Duty.
Henry Comesnearus. Sustained Advances Pin.

SALLY
(Telephone rings. SALLY answers.)
Sally speaking ... Hi Angel ... Vegas? Well, start slaving ... I mean, saving ...
(Covers the mouthpiece with her hand. To WALTER)
Wally Falafel. Adopted Suggestion. In appreciation for suggesting we donate used
Xerox machines to needy children ...
(To ANGEL)
I'm working! No, I will not agree to fly to Vegas for Christmas ... we'll talk about it
later .... Angel? Grr!
(ANGEL hangs up on her, which really irritates SALLY.)
Christopher Columbus!
(Telephone rings. SALLY answers.)
Sally speaking ... I'm afraid it's not a good time ... Excuse me, but I'm afraid ...
(This caller hangs up on her, too.)
What cheeks!

WALTER
Who was it?

SALLY
That little nazi from Inhuman Resources. You heard what I said. "I'll be up
immediately," she says. I hate the way she gets in my face. I can't deal with her
today. I might ... slap her fanny.
(SALLY covers her mouth in horror)
That's not what I meant to say. Or even think! Walter, please send her away. I'm
becoming hysterectical.

WALTER
Just sit down, calmly, and tell her ... where are you going?

SALLY
(SALLY crawls under the desk. As an afterthought, grabs the awards list.
WALTER is stunned into silence.)
I cannot meet with that woman! Since when was it 85 degrees at the end of
October? I'm so hot!
(Ever dutiful, she consults the list and reads)

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Larry Mitrion. Good Conduct in a Cadillac.

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WALTER
(Typing)
Hmm, I could get that one. Sally, what am I supposed to say to her ...
(The HUMAN RESOURCES NAZI enters with a clipboard. She sits down.)
Hel-lo! I'm so sorry. Sally was called away to a funeral. She'll be back tomorrow.

HUMAN RESOURCES NAZI

(Pokes at SALLY's pocketbook with her pencil and moving close to
WALTER)
Left her pocketbook? Or is that yours, sailor?

WALTER
Nondiscrimination laws prohibit you from asking me that. And the dearly beloved
was her Great Aunt Eros.
(SALLY's feet are sticking out from under the desk. The HUMAN RESOURCES
NAZI walks around and begins poking under the desk.)
Also left without her shoes.
(The NAZI sees SALLY, who re-emerges with great dignity.)

SALLY
As I said, you are not a good time ...

HUMAN RESOURCES NAZI

Take off your coat; stay a while.
(Puts out her hand as if demanding the coat. SALLY wraps it
around herself in defense)

SALLY
It's a coat-dress, and I cannot discuss performance appraisal sexuals today. I'm not
well. I'll be feeling better tomorrow, I'm sure.

HUMAN RESOURCES NAZI

(Scrutinizes her coat and counts the buttons by touching each with
the edge of her clipboard)
Looks like a coat to me.
(Looks at her notes)
You are way off-track.

SALLY
We have exactly one overdue performance appraisal in the entire division, due to
management illness. I've had it up the rear with you harassing me. As far as I'm
concerned you can take your surveys ...
(Grabs the clipboard and tosses it on the floor)
... and clitoris and stuff it.

HUMAN RESOURCES NAZI

(Snaps her heels together and picks up the clipboard)

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Human Resources takes priority. "Order is key to a streamlined future." That's

from the Human Resources vision statement. Also, "Individual failure will not be
permitted." I am empowered to cite you for lewd behavior. That is, rude behavior
...

SALLY
Rude? Cite me?

WALTER
Next name, please.

SALLY
Scarlet Foghorn. Adopted Suggestion. In appreciation for suggesting all employees
be empowered throughout the agency.

WALTER
That's the problem, right there.

HUMAN RESOURCES NAZI

(Completes a citation and tears it off her clipboard, hands it to SALLY)
You have another appraisal due tomorrow. I want them both on my desk by close
of bustness. Or I'll be back. With auditors.

WALTER
Good lick!

SALLY
The auditors have been hard already.

HUMAN RESOURCES NAZI

Not my auditors. If they had, you wouldn't know what kissed you. Hit you. By the
way, your slip is showing.
(SALLY clutches her coat around her tightly. The HUMAN RESOURCES NAZI
exits. SALLY and WALTER look at each other.)

WALTER
What have we wrought?

SALLY
(Whispering)
It seems to have a contagious effect. I feel a strange tingly sensation. As if I were
naked and wrapped in pink feathers like a raspberry cream. Oh, dear!

WALTER
(Whispers back)
No, powder blue silk pajamas, with Mr. Black Silk rubbing up against me.
(Braver voice)

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Oh, dear. We're going to need a vision motto of our own to get through the day.
How about "Order is key to sanity." That should probably be "sanitariums."

SALLY
I think, "Silk is key to seduction." Or "Red lace means one thing."

WALTER
Or in honor of today, "Your slip is showing." And, darling, you've got legs!

SALLY
Excuse me, sir, but your libido is showing. As our little nazi would say, "Libidos
must be lashed, that is, leashed, at all times."
(VICTORIA enters.)

VICTORIA
All done?

SALLY
(Simultaneously with WALTER)
Yes.

WALTER
No.

VICTORIA
As soon as you finish, please take these notes and turn them into a matrix. The
numbers refer to the Unit Chiefs' budget phobias. I mean, folios.
(SALLY and WALTER look at VICTORIA, who exits to her office.)

WALTER
It's definitely spreading.

SALLY
We'd better hurry. Darlene Cabbagestalk. Special Act. In appreciation for long
hours spent rewiring the headquarters building after FBI bugs were uncovered.
(VICTORIA returns.)

VICTORIA
A fiend of mine or yours?

SALLY
Oh, I forgot.
(Calling into the office)
It's time to see the nurse.
(To VICTORIA)
She's leaving.
(THE COMPLAINER enters, limping badly.)

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COMPLAINER
I'll try and come again later. Unless I'm having surgery.

SALLY
Thank you.
(COMPLAINER exits. VICTORIA exits to her office.)
Myra Lamont. Adopted suggestion. In appreciation for suggesting an anonymous
suggestion box in light of the FBI bugs. I wonder if that's who keeps leaving the
ones from Elvis?
(WALTER's phone rings. He answers.)

WALTER
Walter Reinisch. ... What's wrong? ... the fire department? Come see me.
(Hangs up)
It's my favorite packrat. Someone did it.

SALLY
What?

WALTER
Called the fire department. They condemned her office.

SALLY
No!

WALTER
Put a big red seal across the cubicle doorway. Give me the next name, quick!

SALLY
I'll take over.
(SALLY sits down and starts typing like a madwoman. VICTORIA enters.)

VICTORIA
Can I lend a handjob?
(WALTER and SALLY respond simultaneously)

WALTER
Yes!

SALLY
No!

VICTORIA
(To SALLY)
Are you all right? You're sweating.

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SALLY
(Continuing to type)
It's a very warm day.

VICTORIA
I know. Wouldn't you feel better with your coat off?

SALLY
I can't! I need my clothes. All of them.

VICTORIA
I see.
(SALLY keeps typing. The PACKRAT enters, angry and distraught.)

PACKRAT
I'm going to sue!
(Beginning to cry)
... I can't believe my cockworkers would turn me in ... over a few newspapers and a
pile of reports ...

WALTER
(Comforting her)
You mean the Leaning Tower of Printouts fell over? You poor thing. Have a
Kleenex. I'll help you clean up.

PACKRAT
(Blowing her nose)
I don't want to clean up!

WALTER
I know, darling, but the nice fire marshall says you have to.

VICTORIA
Is this something I should ask about?

WALTER
She's hygienically challenged.

VICTORIA
I see. Well, do your breast. I'll see both you downstairs. Soon.
(VICTORIA exits.)

SALLY
I've sent these to the printer.
(To the PACKRAT)
Is there anyone I can do before I go home?

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WALTER
You can't go now! I need you at the meeting.

PACKRAT
And I need you to call the Jewish DePants League. Call the ACLU. Call ...
(Crying again)

WALTER
... Waste Management, Inc.
(To PACKRAT)
Why don't you go freshen up and meet me back here after the meeting. We'll
drown our sorrows in pineapple daiquiris!
(SALLY quickly exits and reappears with the printed certificates.)

PACKRAT
Thank you. My orifice isn't big enough. I mean, my cubicle won't hold what I need
for my work ...
(The PACKRAT exits.)

WALTER
... Neither would the Colosseum. You're going to stay?
(SALLY nods. She places a lectern to indicate the meeting room and WALTER
arranges the chairs.)

SALLY
We did it. I'm melting. I have to go to the ladies' room.
(SALLY enters the (imaginary) ladies room at SR and, checking that there's no
one else in there, peels off her coat and wafts her clothes for a much-
needed breather. She rinsing her face in the sink when VICTORIA
enters.)
Oops ...

VICTORIA
There you are. Everything all set? Did Walter straighten his friend out? Oh my!
(SALLY tries to get her coat but VICTORIA is standing in the way. Distressed, she
attempts to cover herself.)
Now this is change in the workplace! And what are you? Let's see ...
(Examining the labels, while SALLY suffers)
... "EROS," "SEX AGGRESSION," "MY NAME IS SIGGY..." My God, Sally, you're a
dominatrix! How lovely!

SALLY
I'm a tool, a fool, is what I am. An overage nincomboob.

VICTORIA
That must have taken a lot of personal courage. I commend you.

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SALLY
(Pointing at VICTORIA)
Not a word. I'm going straight home after the meeting.
(VICTORIA walks behind SALLY and sees the sign on her back, though the
audience does not, as SALLY puts her coat on.)

VICTORIA
Right on!
(SALLY rolls her eyes and steers VICTORIA to the meeting. WALTER is already
seated and the COMPLAINER enters and sits down. VICTORIA
takes the lectern. Everyone claps, including VICTORIA.)

... Thank you, Robert, for a fascinating guided tour through our reengineering
effort. And let's give another round of clap to all those who received awards this
month.
(They all clap.)
Keep up the good work! You're what makes this a great orgasm! Questions? Yes.
(The COMPLAINER has her hand up.)

COMPLAINER
I've heard the new Secretary hates reengineering and is going to change everything
back the way it was before.

VICTORIA
I've not heard that particular tumor. In fact, the Secretary assures me I have her
full behind. Uh, other questions?

COMPLAINER
(Puts her hand up again)
Nobody likes the way the union divided up the office space. Suck people who've
always been in offices are in cubes now, and they're not happy. I thought the union
was supposed to help us.

VICTORIA
The space agreement was the product of long hard bargaining. If I could have
everyone in a private office, I would, but there's not enough space. So it was our
missionary to come up with an arrangement more equitable than the old way. I
know it's been a hard-on for everyone.

COMPLAINER
Well, I've heard...

SALLY
(Standing up)
Excuse me, what have you heard? Suck people are making complaints? Are they
taking ownership for copping a feel? No!

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COMPLAINER
Well, don't you know penises who've had orifices that lost them? They're not going
to be procreative.
(Both women look at each other uncertainly)

SALLY
The policy of only giving offices to old white men went out with the dildo ... dodo,
dodo. No one likes change, especially if they're on the losing end of the dick. But
change is here and "these people" need to hurry up and do the humpty-dance!

VICTORIA
Sally?

SALLY
(Sitting down, embarrassed)
Sorry. I don't know what's wrong with me today ...

VICTORIA
No, I like the way you take responsibility. An excellent example of pubic service. If
you have more questions for me or Robert, or Sally, see us after the meeting. And,
without further foreplay, let me turn the lectern over to the chair of the EOM
committee for the announcement. Walter?
(VICTORIA claps and sits down. WALTER stands at the lectern.)

WALTER
The Committee had several outstanding nominations this month. In fact, we
almost came to blowjobs over who to choose. But when it came down to the vulva,
it was monogamous.

According to her dominator, this month's Employee of the Month is "extremely

tactile and conducts the many aspects of her job with graciousness. In fact, she is
reliability and carnal; one of the most delectable employees working in government
today." Ladies and Gentleman, November's Employee of the Month is Sally Jewell!
(Claps and cheers. Very surprised, SALLY comes forward to receive her plaque
and the star for her cubicle.)
Congratulations!
(He hugs her.)

VICTORIA
Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm making a sexecutive decision! As you know, the
Halloween Costume Contest had to be cancelled due to a orgynization scheduling
problem, but I know someone who came to work prepared to compete ....

The ad hoc winner of this year's Halloween Costume Contest is one person who
understands the body politic! Our own Sally Jewell!
(Big silence. SALLY looks around. Everyone is waiting to see her costume.)

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SALLY
Thank you.
(She starts to slink away when WALTER and the crowd begin chanting.)

WALTER
Take it off! Take it off!
(SALLY, who's becoming accustomed to her new sexy self, slowly, even
seductively, removes her coat. Silence while they look. WALTER
wolf-whistles. SALLY turns foxily around to show them the back. On
it is emblazoned the red circle with a line through it (the
International NO symbol) and the words, "PENIS ENVY." Hearty
applause. The COMPLAINER exits, disgusted.)

SALLY
Thank you, thank you very much, it's necking. Just a little fun.

WALTER
(Fanning her with a folder.)
Nice job, Electra.

VICTORIA
(Putting an arm around her shoulder)
I think we'll keep her.
(VICTORIA exits. SALLY puts her coat on. She and WALTER readjust the chairs
to the original office arrangement and tidy their desks. SALLY
applies lipstick.

WALTER
The whole gang's going to the Luau Hut for lunch. Pineapple daiquiris. I say, we
deserve it.

SALLY
I can't. I have to go home and change.

WALTER
For heaven's sake, why? We've all seen your costume. And you wear it well,
darling. Come on.
(The ACCOUNTING STICKLER enters.)

ACCOUNTING STICKLER
Right. I'm back. Where's '94?

SALLY
It's not finished yet. And it's lunch time.

ACCOUNTING STICKLER
No scent of ownership, that's your problem.

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(Sarcastically)
Nice earrings, pumpkin. I guess it's never too late to have a happy childhood.

SALLY
(Considers her options, then decides)
Or a happy puberty!
(She opens her coat and flashes the astonished STICKLER with her costume. Then
she turns to flash her back and drops her coat to the floor.)

WALTER
(SALLY looks triumphantly at WALTER, who crooks his arm in invitation)
Darling!
(She slips her arm through his and they exit together.)

END

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