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The di!erence between moving on and moving

through
Leave a Comment / Accountability, Boundaries, Forgiveness, Grace, The Shame
Cycle, Toxic Relationships / By Sara Wald / October 12, 2023

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 “Life is what happens while you’re busy making other plans.”
-John Lennon

Oh, boy. In the coaching industry I hear these phrases all the time:

“Time to move on.”

“Don’t look back. Look forward!”

“You’re stuck in the past!”

“Your future is ahead of you!”

All this stu! sounds so encouraging and enticing. Who doesn’t want to
move on?! Who wouldn’t want to just get over it already?! Where can I sign
up to work with this person who will magically erase my past?!

Not only is this approach dangerous to vulnerable people (as well as deeply
unethical), but it’s incredibly uneducated. It takes about 30 seconds in
Google to figure out that neuroscience has proven beyond a shadow of a
doubt that trauma memory is held in our subconscious until we take
conscious steps to release it.

If you don’t believe me, here’s a link for you to read for yourself:
https://www.besselvanderkolk.com/resources/the-body-keeps-the-score

(I don’t receive any compensation for referring you to this source. I’m just a
genuine fan.)
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 Here’s the truth about overcoming
trauma
You don’t move on, you move through. The subconscious brain isn’t linear.
It doesn’t watch experiences fade in the rear view mirror. It gets out of the
car, finds the nearest hiding spot, and stands watch, day and night, to
guard you against the next attack.

The reason certain people trigger you is the same reason soldiers with
PTSD have a hard time with fireworks and engines backfiring:

It reminds the subconscious brain of something horrible that happened in the

past.

Here’s an example:

One of the most triggering things for me is being called “perfect.” It’s been
known to make my heart race and my armpits sweat. It’s usually meant as a
compliment. People generally mean well when saying it.

But when I was a kid, being anything less than perfect was unacceptable.
And since I’m far from perfect (so, so far!), I felt like a constant failure. I felt
inherently less-than.

I ended up living this very strange, dichotomous existence of wanting

desperately to be both invisible and seen at the same time.
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 And how did I figure this out?
By looking back.

Through lots and lots of therapy and introspection – by courageously

visiting my painful past experiences – I rooted out the original trauma, held
it in my hand, and examined it closely.

I had to understand the why behind my strange reactions to that word –

perfect – so that I could give my subconscious permission to stop trying to
protect me from it.

It was uncomfortable.

It took time.

And it was well worth the e!ort.

Here’s why:

The unexplored Sara was reactive and defensive. The unexplored Sara is
snappy with the acquaintance who tells me that I always look “perfect”
when they run into me at a networking event.

The unexplored Sara is suddenly 11 years old again, feely gangly and
awkward in too-short pants, knowing that they don’t fit the way they should
and hoping to god nobody will notice if I pull my socks up high enough.

The explored Sara takes a deep breath, quietly lets my subconscious brain
know that grown-up Sara has got this situation under control, and politely
smiles and says good-naturedly, “Oh, believe me, I’m far from perfect! But
it’s so fun to get dressed up sometimes!”
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 The unexplored Sara intuitively could feel when judgmental eyes were
scanning me for flaws, and made biting, perfectly composed passive
aggressive digs that left my opponent stunned, confused, and hurting.
(Take it from me – having the exactly right come back isn’t nearly as
satisfying as one might assume.)

The explored Sara can intuitively feel when someone is using judgement to
mask deep insecurity, and finds something beautiful to compliment in
order to set the other person at ease.

Not only does moving through trauma make you a more pleasant person to
be around, but it also makes you more comfortable in your own skin. Every
time we allow our past trauma to influence our present behavior we plant
seeds of shame inside our hearts that fester and eat us from the inside out.

Moving through stops relational shame cycles in their tracks, freeing both
you and the other person from awkward exchanges, hurt feelings, and toxic
spirals. Unexplored trauma is what makes people toxic, including ourselves.

Ignorance and cowardice

People who tell you to “face forward” and who act like people who are
looking back don’t have a “growth mindset,” are both ignorant and
cowardly.

Ignorant because they obviously don’t know about basic brain science.

And cowardly because they obviously aren’t doing any of their own
courageous exploration of the why behind their thoughts, feelings, and
actions.

Someone who “doesn’t waste time looking back” is wasting a whole lot more
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 time trying to outrun their past, and managing all the drama that erupts
due to their own subconscious, unexplored trauma responses.

And this is based on the assumption that the person “moving on” has the
best of intentions; that other people’s exploration of their past is triggering
their subconscious held trauma and that makes them try to silence all
reflection, their own as well as other’s.

Unfortunately, it is also quite possible that someone knows exactly what

they are doing by encouraging others to just “move on.”

Perhaps they have something to hide that they’d rather the other person
not remember.

Or perhaps they know that the only way to sell their product or service or
business plan or religion or political agenda is to keep people in a
heightened state of trauma trigger.

When we are triggered, we can’t think clearly. Sadly, there are those among
us who benefit greatly from other people’s muddled thinking.
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 Is it possible to be stuck in the past?
Certainly! There are plenty of people who choose to stay stuck in the past,
for a multitude of reasons: they fear change, they fear their memories, they
get attention from others when they complain, their past seems better than
the present or the future.

Regardless of the reason, none of these are good, either. But being “stuck
in the past” is not what this post is about. And ultimately, they are just
di!erent sides of the same coin. “Moving on” without any internal reflection
is just as damaging to self-confidence and interpersonal relationships as
dwelling in the past.

Either way, you’re stuck.

If anything, dwelling on the past is more intellectually honest than “moving

on.” At least they admit that the past actually happened.
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 “Moving on” is a futile e!ort.
Moving on is not only impossible, but it’s an ine#cient use of a beautiful life.

Moving through is the one and only way to truly shut o! our trauma and
grow.

There really is no such thing as “moving on.” There is only the choice to
courageously step in and through your traumatic experiences (which we all
have), or the choice to put it in a box and lock it away where it can sprout
bitterness, resentment, and unforgiveness.

No amount of restating, no matter how emphatically, that you have “moved

on” actually makes it reality. Your subconscious doesn’t care what your
conscious mind speaks. It only cares about the held memory that doesn’t
disappear simply because you want it to.

Enjoy your journey, friends. Don’t get so lost in seeking to “move on” and be
better-than that you forget to be present. Your life is happening right now.

Be careful you’re not trying so hard to outrun your past that you aren’t
experiencing all the ways your life is beautiful and inspiring in your present.

Love learning about boundaries,

accountability, and grace?
Reach out to me at sara@sarabethwald.com with all your burning
questions!
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 Related Links:
What is Redefining Love?
Boundaries
Accountability
Grace
Forgiveness
The Shame Cycle
Toxic Relationships
Naming, Blaming, and the Uncluttered Subconscious

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