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Sexual Abuse and Redefining Love

Leave a Comment / Accountability, Boundaries, Family, Forgiveness, Grace, The
Shame Cycle, Toxic Relationships / By Sara Wald / April 3, 2023

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This is our third session in our four-part series It’s Not Personal. Our first
session was an overview of the topic, and last week we discussed physical
abuse.
:
 Here’s a recap of what we’ve learned so
far:
Even if our conscious mind knows that we don’t deserve to be hurt,
our subconscious mind defaults to blaming itself (even though that
makes no logical sense!). Learn more about how the subconscious
mind blames itself HERE.

When someone is hurtful, controlling, abusive, or toxic, it’s not about

you. It’s never about you, meaning that it’s not your fault when
someone mistreats you. We are all accountable for our own
behavior.

Someone who abuses another person’s physical or spiritual being is

so deeply insecure, so deeply inside their own head, they don’t even
see you. They are so full of rage, feel so out of control, so full of fear
and personal insecurity, that the only way they can find even a
moment’s relief is to lash out.

When someone abuses another physically, sexually, emotionally, or

spiritually, they are reflecting their own fear of physical, sexual,
emotional, or spiritual annihilation.
:
 This session, we will be discussing
sexual abuse.
Before beginning any discussion about abuse, it is crucial to clarify the
accountability element of Redefining Love. It cannot be overstated that
survivors in no way brought the abuse on themselves, and therefore –
unlike other relationship struggles – there is no way to examine your own
part in the conflict.

Abusers are 100 percent responsible for their own actions!

Thus, when discussing abuse and Redefining Love, the accountability

element relates to a survivor’s responsibility for their own healing. We
cannot control the actions of others, only how we react or respond to it.
And of course, this must involve an enormous amount of grace for
ourselves. Abuse is a powerful trauma. It’s entirely expected that survivors
react with rage and shame.
:
 A di!cult balance
The tendency of our culture to blame the victims of sexual crimes makes
the subject of It’s Not Personal a tricky conversation. When we discuss this
reality within the Redefining Love Framework, we must approach it from
the understanding that perpetrators are always accountable for their
own behavior.

Sexual crimes are personal insofar as they are a violation of our own
personal body autonomy. But they are not personal in that the abuse or
attack has nothing to do with who the victim is or isn’t, and everything to do
with the internal struggles of the perpetrator.

And certainly, sexual abuse and assault feels personal when it’s happening,
especially for those who have been led to believe by a skilled manipulator
that it’s all their fault. However, the abuse is never the fault of the abused.
Responsibility lies firmly at the feet of the abuser, regardless of their
trauma experiences.
:
 What motivates someone to sexually
assault or abuse?
As we discussed in the first post in this series, sexual abuse, assault, and
harassment comes from the same place of feeling out of control that leads
to physical abuse. Someone who perpetrates sexual crimes feels
completely powerless, specifically related to sex.

NOTE: It’s important to realize that sex involves much more than the act of
sexual intercourse. It has to do with how the person defines themselves as
a sexual being. Therefore, an individual does not necessarily have to be
sexually assaulted in order to become a sexually aggressive person
themselves.
:
 Past trauma is no excuse!
In many cases, a sexual perpetrator has experienced a sexual violation
themselves. It is always tragic when someone feels helpless, terrified, and
violated. However, just because someone has a tragic story does not make it
okay to harm other people.

This all may seem entirely logical to outsiders, but to the victims of abuse,
their sense of empathy has been so warped by their circumstances that
they cannot see what seems so obvious to others on the outside looking in.

This is why it is absolutely crucial that society does not blame victims
for being sexually assaulted or abused.

Abuse victims have literally been brainwashed to believe they deserve the
way they are treated. And, if the person was abused as a child, they may
not even realize that what’s happening to them isn’t just an inevitable part
of life.

A note on “grooming.”
Grooming is an ongoing, intentional 1-1 manipulation of a vulnerable
person with the intent to normalize sexual contact between the vulnerable
person and a figure of authority.

Typically it applies to an adult/child relationship, but grooming can occur

between adults when there is a clear power di!erential, such as
employer/employee, professor/student, or politician/intern.

In recent years, the term “grooming” has become politicized and used
against the LGTBQ community. The misuse of the term is incredibly
dangerous. Here’s why:
:
 It contributes to the misconception that LGTBQ individuals are – by
virtue of simply existing – a potential abuse threat to children. This
encourages violence against members of the LGTBQ community, and
contributes to the extremely high rate of suicidal ideation in LGTBQ
individuals. (The vast majority of sexual abuse is in fact perpetrated
by heterosexual men.)

An accusation of a sex crime is extremely severe and life altering.

That accusation, and all words associated with it – such as grooming –
should only be used to refer specifically to sexual contact between
an adult perpetrator with a minor child, or unwanted sexual contact
between adults.

Words associated with sex crimes are very deeply held and serious to
abuse survivors. Politicizing trigger words related to sexual abuse
such as grooming is incredibly painful for those who have
experienced actual sexual abuse. When these words are used to
push a specific worldview, it trivializes their very real and very
traumatic lived experience.

It is certainly an individual’s right to have an opinion on this matter, but it is

not right to falsely accuse people of a felony or retraumatize sexual abuse
survivors in the process of expressing your opinion.

Furthermore, for those in law enforcement and others on the front lines of
the fight against sex crimes, the false accusations and politicization of
sexual abuse are a dangerous distraction from the very real crimes against
vulnerable populations.
:
 Sexual assault and abuse is about power,
not sex.
For thousands of years we’ve tried to control sexuality and identity, placing
rules about who, when, and how we can express our sexuality. Then, when
the rules have negative outcomes we blame the act rather than the rule.

I hypothesize that every single act of sexual violence is a direct result of

someone feeling powerless in the face of controlling rules around sex. I
posit that if we were to emphasize respect – both towards ourselves and
others – rather than trying to control people, there would be no need for
such social rules.

The rules themselves are based on the assumption that our natural and
normal sexual inclinations require external regulation, which inevitably
leads to feelings of shame, which is at the root of all abuse.

Further, I theorize that if, when a sexual crime is committed (or any crime,
for that matter), we focused on identifying and healing the root of the
perpetrator’s sense of powerlessness, we could eradicate all abuse within
one or two generations.

Sadly, the perpetrator may in some cases be beyond repair. But the family
and societal shame cycles that brought them to that bad place would be
broken. When we break the shame cycle, future generations no longer
know what it feels like to lash out against systems of control.

The good news is that we are finally asking the hard questions – i.e. getting
curious. Like all existential debates, it’s deeply uncomfortable. But, I am an
eternal optimist. I do believe we are headed in the right direction, despite
how it may feel as we have these very hard conversations.
:
 How sexual abuse shows up in the
culture:
A boy who is raised to believe that he has no control over his own sexual
urges never learns how to acknowledge and act on his own feelings. He
never learns how to approach his sexuality with intention and curiosity. He
never learns how to name his sexual urges, nor does he learn how to act on
them in a healthy way.

How does this show up in our culture? It is literally everywhere. It’s in school
dress codes. Advertising. Laws about gender, sexuality, and body
autonomy. Pornography. Prostitution. Sex tra"cking.

And yes. You read that correctly. I put school dress codes and laws about
gender in the same category as sex tra"cking. Here’s why:

When children are taught that the length of a girl’s skirt or the exposure of
her shoulders are a distraction from boys’ ability to learn, we are robbing
both boys and girls of their personal autonomy. We are telling them that
neither the boy nor the girl have any control over their own bodies – boys
have no internal control, and girls have no external control.

Rather than teaching boys how to identify and name their feelings, and then
teaching them how to appropriately process those feelings, we are placing
the burden entirely on girls to control someone else’s natural sexual urges.
This creates a power imbalance.
:
 Internalizing cultural messaging.
How each individual boy and each individual girl absorbs and internalizes
these messages depends on the complex interplay between temperament
and environment.

A boy who is naturally assertive, combined with a home environment that

tells him he is the master of the household, may turn to rape when a girl
he’s dating refuses his sexual advances.

A boy who is naturally more passive, combined with a home environment

that tells him he should be the master, may become a sexual abuser in
order to release his feelings of inadequacy. Or he may become addicted to
pornography after seeking out images that show men in positions of power
over women (or children), or women in positions of power over men (which
may be where he feels most comfortable).

A girl who is naturally assertive, combined with a home environment that

tells her she is to be submissive to men, learns to get her way through
manipulation, using her physical appearance and sexual prowess to
manipulate and control men. Or, she may dismiss men as intellectually
inferior, since they seem to have no control over their basic instincts.

A girl who is naturally more passive, combined with a home environment

that tells her she is to be submissive to men is primed and ready for all types
of abuse, including sexual assault, sexual abuse, rape, incest, domestic
violence, and sex tra"cking.
:
 Power di"erentials harm all of us.
Power di!erentials don’t have to manifest so dramatically to be deeply
damaging to our intimate relationships.

How many marriages ended in divorce due to confusion over power

di!erentials?

How many people simply do not know how to relate in a healthy way within
their intimate relationships because they were raised with these twisted
power di!erentials?

How can any of us possibly understand another individual when we are

prevented from approaching our own basic urges and needs with intention
and curiosity?

Quite simply, we can’t.

:
 A generational cycle of shame.
Power di!erentials around sex create confusion for everyone, regardless of
gender. Instead of approaching sexuality as a natural and normal part of
the human experience, it places sexuality into a category of deviance that
must be controlled. In short, it creates shame around something that
should be beautiful.

And with each passing generation, that shame builds and corrupts and
confuses, resulting in sexual abuse and exploitation in all facets of society,
from marriage and parenting, to religion and government. It isn’t sex that
broke us, but the shame we’ve created around sex.

By creating power di"erentials based on external validation, we are

creating an environment that makes it impossible to approach sex in
a healthy way.

Culture reinforces disrespect.

:
 What is preventing anyone from treating ourselves and others with
disrespect when we are taught to believe that it’s all a game of cat and
mouse, and nobody’s entirely sure who is the cat and who is the mouse?

Why should young people (male, female, or otherwise) avoid looking at

pornography when they are taught that their sexual urges are completely
out of their control?

—————-

NEED TO KNOW: The vast majority of pornography exists due to sex

tra"cking, meaning that a majority of the individuals who appear in
pornography are not there of their own free will. Or, they didn’t start out
that way. A woman who believes the only way she can feel “empowered” is
to pose nude for other people’s sexual pleasure is a product of a system
that has taught her that her power lies in her sexuality rather than her
beautiful, brilliant mind.

—————-
:
 We are asking the wrong questions!
Within this twisted approach to sex and power, the question IS NOT: Why
do some young men rape and others don’t?

The question IS ACTUALLY: Why do some young men not rape, when raised
in a system where they are taught they have no control over their own
bodily urges?

The question IS NOT: Why do some people (mostly straight men) groom and
sexually abuse children?

The question IS ACTUALLY: What societal structures are supporting a sense

of powerlessness so profound that people feel driven to perpetrate sexual
violence against others?

How can survivors of sexual abuse and

assault move on?
This is an incredibly huge question that doesn’t have a simple answer. Every
circumstance is unique, and therefore require a unique approach to
healing. It’s di"cult for me to apply the Redefining Love Framework in a
general sense to a trauma wound as deep as sexual abuse and assault.

I cannot overemphasize the importance of high quality mental healthcare

for survivors of sexual assault and abuse. Nowhere in our DNA are we
equipped to process such a violation. Fortunately, there is an ever-growing
list of resources available to survivors, many of them free or low cost.

If you aren’t sure where to turn, in the U.S., call 800-656-4673.

Sexual Abuse and Redefining Love

:
 Sexual Abuse and Redefining Love
Once you’ve enlisted the support of mental healthcare to accompany you
on your journey, you can begin applying the principles of Redefining Love.

Boundaries:
Due to the incredible loss of body autonomy, survivors of sexual assault
and abuse often have lost all sense of self. Before you can e!ectively set
boundaries with others, survivors must develop a sense that they are
worthy of respect. Without a sense of self-worth, survivors will continue to
be revictimized over and over again, either by the same person, or others.

In Redefining Love, this is called determining the space you take up in the
world. Once you’ve set those internal boundaries for yourself, it becomes
much easier to identify predators and set healthy boundaries to keep your
body safe. You are now ready to assign accountability.

Accountability:
As we’ve already discussed, in the case of sexual assault and abuse,
responsibility lies exclusively with the perpetrator. The accountability
journey for survivors includes releasing any shame or sense of self-blame
for what happened to them.

Sometimes, the rage that survivors experience once they are able to accept
the depth of the violation can feel overwhelming. For this reason, it is
crucial that they implement self-soothing practices to stay in a regulated
emotional space. A therapist or mental health counselor can help guide
survivors towards self-regulating practices.

Practicing healing modalities within the safety of therapy helps to come to a

place of grace for ourselves.

Grace:
When it comes to sexual assault and abuse, the grace for others comes in
:
 the form of forgiveness. This is a bitter step to take when the crime seems
unforgivable. It’s important for survivors to remember that forgiveness is
not done for the other person. Forgiveness is done internally so that we can
move on with our lives.

Another important thing to remember is that there is a di!erence between

forgiveness and trust. You can forgive someone without ever trusting them
again. And without trust, you cannot be in relationship with someone.

Ultimately, the goal of Redefining Love is to learn how to love people who
are toxic to us from a safe distance. This is a process that takes a great deal
of practice. In the case of sexual assault and abuse, it’s likely this may not
come for many years, if ever. And that’s okay. Part of grace towards
ourselves involves honoring where we are at in our healing journey,
wherever that may be.

Forgiveness the Redefining Love way – where there is a distinction from

trust – leads us back to boundaries. We have now shifted out of the shame
spiral, and into a Redefining Love spiral. With practice and hard internal
work with a trained mental healthcare professional, this new direction can
open doors to peace and healing from sexual assault and abuse.

Get safe!
If you have experienced sexual assault or abuse, there is help available!
Many communities have support services available. To find resources in
your area, in the U.S. call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800-656-
4673
:
 Learn more...
To learn more about the Redefining Love Way, I encourage you to browse
the site. Have questions? Feel free to email me at sara@sarabethwald.com,
or schedule a free discovery call.

For more information on how to join the Redefining Love Community,

please visit redefine-love.com/coaching.

Related Links:
What is Redefining Love?
Boundaries
Accountability
Grace
The Three Pillars
The Shame Cycle
Dealing with Anger
Toxic Relationships
Forgiveness
It feels personal, but it’s not
Physical Abuse and Redefining Love
Naming, blaming, and the uncluttered subconscious
Why “forgive and forget” is a toxic phrase

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