Redefining Love $0.

00
0

Change the way you love. Change your life. Change the world.

What is Redefining Love The Three Pillars Workshops

Events Learning Blog Shop About Contact

Spiritual Abuse and Redefining Love

Leave a Comment / Accountability, Boundaries, Dealing with Anger, Family,
Forgiveness, Grace, The Shame Cycle, Toxic Relationships / By Sara Wald / April 12,
2023
We use cookies on our website to give you the most relevant experience by remembering your pref
repeat visits. By clicking “Accept All”, you consent to the use of ALL the cookies. However, you may v
Settings" to provide a controlled consent.
:
 TRIGGER WARNING:
This post contains discussions about mental health that may be upsetting or
triggering for trauma survivors. If you are at risk for serious depression, anxiety,
emotional instability, or self-harm, consider reading this post in the company of
a trusted, trauma-informed supporter.

This is our fourth and final segment of the four-part series titled It’s Not
Personal. In this series, we are exploring the nature of abuse so that we can
begin to assign accountability where it truly belongs. In this post we will
discuss spiritual abuse.

Spiritual abuse is a lesser discussed, and therefore often a lesser

understood violation of personal autonomy. Acts of violence are not just an
act against the body. They are also an act against the human spirit.

Many in the Redefining Love Community have asked me about spiritual

abuse. This is a minefield that I’ve stepped away from for a long time,
because I don’t want to push away anyone who could benefit from the
principles of boundaries, accountability, and grace. But the more I see how
deeply members of our community are su!ering the e!ects of spiritual
abuse, the more I realize that by avoiding this discussion, I am doing a
disservice to our members.
:
 The best of intentions
When people push their own religious beliefs onto others, they are
convinced it is coming from a place of love and concern for the other
person (this is your path to enlightenment, it’s about your soul’s eternal
damnation, etc.). But in reality, it proves a lack of confidence in their own
enlightenment, salvation, or mortality… Their own survival.

People who are truly confident – truly convinced of their own goodness,
their own worthiness, their own salvation – don’t feel compelled to force
others to their point of view. Doubt of others is rooted in an individual’s
own sense of self-doubt.

Just to be clear, it isn’t a person’s faith (or lack of faith) in a higher power
that drives them to emotionally abuse others. It is their lack of faith in
themselves. Like all forms of abuse, insecurity and a sense of powerlessness
are at the center.

An example:
The best example I can think of is parenting. We might be pretty good at
letting other people be, even if that’s di!erent from ourselves, except when
it comes to our kids. Yikes, that’s a whole other ballgame, right?! Why?

Because our children are literally a part of us. So, if we don’t wholeheartedly
believe in our own worthiness, how can we possibly wholeheartedly believe
in our children’s, or vice versa?

How does this show up in our relationship with our children? It’s actually
pretty simple:

It might be fine for our neighbor to go to a di!erent church, or to not go to

:
 church at all. We can still barrow their leaf blower and give them a cup of
sugar now and then. But if our children go to a di!erent church or refuse to
go to church at all, this is a part of ourselves who is questioning our values
and beliefs. And that makes us feel insecure.

We build a life and a system of values and morality around a certain belief
system, and then try to force our children to accept this belief system
because on a subconscious level, they are us and we are them.

Of course, this doesn’t just apply to religion. It applies to the way we dress,
the way we style our hair, the piercings and tattoos we get (or don’t get),
the pets we own, the cars we drive, the houses we live in, the substances
we use, the people we marry, the schools we attend… This is the
foundational insecurity present in every single generational shame cycle
that has ever existed.

Suddenly, there’s all this emotion wrapped up in those di!erences in

opinion. And because our culture has not taught us to approach emotion
with intention and curiosity, we are left to spin into an endless generational
shame cycle until someone courageously stops it with… you guessed it…
intention and curiosity.
:
 Religion runs deep
Shame cycles show up so clearly in religion because our spirituality – our
relationship with our soul, spirit, or internal knowing – is a deep reflection of
our sense of self.

A confident person’s worthiness is not reflected in how many people see

the world like they do. They aren’t afraid to be wrong, because they rest in
the comfort of knowing that they are inherently worthy. They don’t require
external validation in order to feel a sense of self-worth.

This is where it gets tricky…

This next part might be uncomfortable for some people. But I don’t believe
that parents who force their children into certain religious beliefs are
actually concerned about the state of their child’s soul. At least not on a
subconscious level.

They are concerned about how their child’s religious beliefs reflect back on
themselves. How does this make them look as a parent? How does it make
them look as a disciple for their chosen faith?

Are they terrified about their child’s eternal damnation, or their own? If
their child believes something di!erent – and their child is a part of
themselves (which they are) – then on a subconscious level, this person
feels deeply conflicted. Could they be wrong?

Depending on the belief system they subscribe to, uncertainty can feel
untenable. A friend recently quoted therapist Adam Young: “Dogmatism
soothes a fragmented mind,” and it is so true.
:
 Predatory faith
Certain belief systems are built on the foundation of individual insecurity. If
a religious belief requires you to be insecure in who you are without the
belief, it’s pretty likely that the entire belief system relies on its adherents’
sense of worthlessness (even if that is not the message that is outwardly
expressed).

Do these individuals worry that they won’t get to spend eternity with their
loved ones? On a conscious level, perhaps they do. But let’s explore that
more deeply…

It seems that, if other people’s salvation is dependent on believers to

spread the word, the burden of salvation is placed on human adherents,
rather than a higher power. So who do they believe has the power, then?
Not God, but themselves! And that feels really empowering to an insecure
or immature ego.

Ultimately, people who are truly confident in what they believe don’t feel
compelled to force others to do life as they do. People who truly have faith
in a higher power trust that higher power to run the show. This frees them
from carrying the burden of other people’s enlightenment or salvation on
their shoulders, and frees their loved ones from spiritual abuse.
:
 A profound reassurance
I confided in a friend at church recently that one of my boys is completely
disinterested in church, and the more we talk about it, the less interested
he becomes. My friend, who has adult biological children as well as multiple
young foster children, gave me this very wise advice:

“Let it go. Don’t worry about it. It will work itself out. He will find his way
back to God. It may not be in the way you and your husband relate to God,
but it will be in a way that works for him. Just give it to God.”

This was a profound moment for me. For me, she rea#rmed what I already
knew in my heart. That my son is going to be just fine. All I have to do is love
and accept him for exactly who he is. God, the universe, whatever you
choose to call it… my faith allows me to let my higher power take care of
the rest.

When our basic autonomy is attacked in the form of spiritual abuse, it feels
deeply personal. But in reality, just like all other types of abuse, it isn’t about
you. It is rooted in the abuser’s own insecurity and, in the case of spiritual
abuse, the abuser’s own lack of faith in their own worthiness.
:
 Grace the Redefining Love way
When we are talking about grace within the Redefining Love Framework, we
are not talking about grace in a spiritual sense. That’s not to say that a
higher power doesn’t exist (that’s for you to decide for yourself). Within
Redefining Love, the term grace refers to the unconditional love we give to
ourselves and others, regardless of our shortcomings.

Redefining Love is not a spiritual practice. It teaches us to apply the

principles of boundaries, accountability, and grace both inwardly and
outwardly. For this reason, the Redefining Love Framework can be applied
regardless of religious preference or no religion at all.
:
 Anger over spiritual abuse
It is normal to feel angry when we experience abuse. In fact, it’s crucial that
we acknowledge anger as is arises. In order to appropriately apply grace
within the context of spiritual abuse, a survivor must first determine with
whom they are angry. Is it their parents? Their clergy? Others in the faith?
God? Until survivors get curious about where their anger is directed, it will
be di#cult to process that anger through and out.

Every experience is di!erent, so it’s important to be careful not to

generalize. That being said, based on my own observations of spiritual
abuse survivors, typically the anger is directed first at God, because it
makes the most sense! If all this stu! you’ve learned is true, then this “god”
character must be a real jerk!

But typically, as survivors begin to dig into their experiences – and realize
that there are a myriad of ways of understanding and knowing God – they
realize that their anger is actually at their parents, clergy, and other
authority figures in their faith story. Only once anger is appropriately
attributed (which is accountability) can grace begin to be applied.

Why spiritual abuse is sneaky

I have identified five main reasons that spiritual abuse is so insidious:

Our spiritual life is one of the most intimate parts of our

identity. Our spiritual self is closely linked with our morality, sense
of right and wrong, and the meaning we apply to our own existence.
To be betrayed at this deep level is an a!ront to our very being!

It comes wrapped neatly in a care package. It is often delivered

from a place of concern over the state of your soul. Whether talking
:
 about heaven and hell, karma, or other existential planes, spiritual
abusers rely on fear-based methods to ensure compliance. The use
of words like love, forgiveness, and grace create a smokescreen that
makes it di#cult to see the abuse beneath all the pretty packaging.

Perpetrators of spiritual abuse are often the people we admire

most. If we didn’t care about them and rely on them, we probably
wouldn’t take their demands so seriously. It is our parents, our
clergy, our systems of authority that perpetrate spiritual abuse. This
makes it very challenging to step back and break free.

It starts when we are at our most vulnerable. For those who grew
up in a spiritually domineering home, the abuse began the moment
they were born. When it begins in adulthood, survivors are actively
seeking meaning and purpose. Otherwise, they wouldn’t have sought
out spiritual connection. This seeking makes people vulnerable.

Perpetrators of spiritual abuse are the “good guys.” One of the

hallmarks of spiritual abuse is that the perpetrators are convinced
that they are right, good, and holy. They consider compliance to be a
part of being a good disciple, and culture has historically agreed.
Terms such as “churchgoer” and “pious” have long been considered
apt descriptors of “good people.” For this reason, survivors who
question those in authority assume they themselves are the “bad
guys,” and their abusers agree!
:
 It’s still all about control
The common denominator of all abuse is power and control. Perpetrators
of all types of abuse are coming from a place of personal insecurity and
sense of worthlessness. Abusers seek compliance, adoration, and power
from outside sources because they feel completely out-of-control and
powerless within themselves.

Spiritual abuse can be tricky, because control is always attributed to the

higher power rather than the individuals. A good litmus test for who
someone actually believes is in control is whether or not they believe it is
their responsibility to make sure you believe as they do. Someone with true
confidence in a higher power does not feel responsible to control other
people’s behavior in the name of that higher power.

There’s nothing wrong with sharing your faith with others. Our faith is a
part of who we are! Ideally, we’d live in a world where everyone could feel
comfortable sharing who they are. There’s nothing abusive about wearing a
t-shirt from your religious summer camp or having a church logo bumper
sticker on your car.

The line between sharing yourself and controlling others is crossed when a
person in authority reacts to those with di!ering views or questions with
rage, superiority, intimidation, and defensiveness. An attitude that “I know
what’s best for you better than you know what’s best for yourself” is a
major red flag.

Recognizing spiritual abuse

Because it typically involves our closest authority relationships (such as
parents), spiritual abuse can be very challenging to identify. Since
questioning is one of the biggest taboos of domineering religious practice,
:
 the very act of thinking something isn’t quite right is “against the rules.”
Thus, victims of spiritual abuse feel hopelessly flawed before they even
voice their protest.

And so, if you find yourself wondering whether or not you’ve experienced
spiritual abuse, I recommend you start there – at the first thought that
perhaps the religious beliefs you’ve been taught allow room to safely ask
questions.

Do you feel safe to ask questions about your religion?

If not, what are you afraid might happen if you asked? When you ask
questions, how might people respond?

Here are some unsafe responses to your questions:

Yelling
Violence (throwing things, hitting you or someone else)
Laughing
Patronizing or talking down to you
Refusing to answer
Questioning your intelligence
Questioning your character – “A good person wouldn’t be asking
these questions.”
“This is just the way things are.”

What emotions do you feel when you consider asking questions about
your religion?

Examples of red flag feelings:

Fear
Guilt
Shame
:
 Anger
Intimidated
Unworthy
Feeling like a “bad person”

How do you feel inside your body when you consider asking
questions?

Some red flags:

Tightness in chest, stomach, neck, shoulders, or throat

Clenched fists and/or jaw
Headache
Racing heartbeat
Sweating
Hives
Flushing red
Ringing in ears
Upset stomach
Numbing of hands
Weak in the knees

How does the other person talk about those from di!erent faiths?

Are those outside your faith dismissed as “less than?”

Are you discouraged from friendship or romantic relationships with
people of di!erent faiths?
Are derogatory slurs used to describe people of di!erent faiths?
What would happen if you attended a worship service or activity with
someone of a di!erent faith?
Do you avoid exposing your non-faith friends to those within your
faith, for fear of how they’d be treated?
Were you raised to feel superior to others outside of your faith?
:
 Are you taught to fear the wrath of a higher power?

What are you afraid will happen if you choose to practice a di!erent
faith or break the “rules” of your faith? Are you terrified of dire and
painful consequences, either in this life or the next if you do not
comply?
Do you believe your higher power punishes those who do not
worship them?
When you make a mistake, do you feel shame before your higher
power? Or fear that you will be punished?

Do you fear the reaction of those in your faith circle?

When you are feeling religious shame, is it towards your higher

power, or towards the authority figures within the faith, such as
parents, clergy, or others in the faith community?
What do you feel might happen if you broke the religious “rules?”
Would you be rejected within your faith community? Would you bring
shame onto your parents and family?
Is it the higher power you’re afraid of, or the disapproval of people
within your faith community?
Do you keep certain aspects of your life secret from those in your
faith community that you comfortably share with others outside of
your faith?
If religious rules are broken, do authority figures in your life ask,
“How could you do this to me?” or “How could you do this to our
family?”

Does your religion maintain a strict hierarchy with powerful authority

figures who follow a di!erent set of rules?

This is a particularly touchy subject, since many religious traditions

:
 mandate a hierarchy. I will not go so far as to claim that families with
historically traditional hierarchies are inherently abusive. I do realize that is
a potentially explosive claim.

All I will say is this… It is entirely possible for adults within a household and
community to be co-equals, while still maintaining a close, rewarding
relationships with God. Egalitarian power dynamics exist within every major
faith tradition.

I will also say that family and cultural hierarchies create a solid foundation
for power struggles and abuse to flourish. Ultimately, it is up to every
individual to decide what works best for them.

If you feel miserable and powerless within the current structure of your
home or community, it might be time to explore what about that structure
doesn’t sit well with you. Remember, safe religions don’t punish or shame
you for asking hard questions.
:
 What is the purpose of religion?
Religion should give you a sense of overwhelming peace. It should be
reassuring during challenging times of change and loss. It should provide
comfort when you are afraid, lonely, or grieving. It should be a source of
hope during hard times, and a source of joy during celebratory times. It
should count love as its primary value.

Religion should not be a cause of stress or anxiety. It should not create

additional responsibilities to be tended during challenging times of change
and loss. It should not be a source of fear, shame, or loneliness. It should not
create an overwhelming sense of hopelessness, worthlessness, or guilt. Its
primary values should not be order and control.

As with all aspects of Redefining Love, I encourage you to get intentional and
curious about your religious beliefs. How does your faith make you feel?
Does it give you hope, or make you afraid? Do you feel loved and accepted
unconditionally? Or do you feel shame, regret, and condemnation?

Following a religion doesn’t necessarily have to be easy. It might sometimes

push you outside your comfort zone. But it should not make you feel
inadequate or fearful. When we encounter a fear-based faith, spiritual
abuse is a likely companion.

Applying the principles

It makes sense that grace is the first place to start when applying the
Redefining Love principles to spiritual abuse.

Grace for others

Culture has historically reinforced many unhealthy norms about a great
deal of things, including religion. And so, it’s not surprising that fear-based
:
 religious beliefs have been passed down from generation to generation by
well-meaning parents and clergy.

Of course, there are those who actively seek out religion as a means to
power and control over others. But in most cases, spiritual abuse is
perpetrated generationally from one unsuspecting person to the next.

Even those who have “found religion” in adulthood can be victims (and
perpetrators) of generational spiritual abuse. There are very few “new”
religions. Most have been passed down or adapted from the religions of
previous generations. For this reason, more than any other form of abuse,
we must approach spiritual abuse from a place of grace. We’re all just trying
to do life as best we can.

Grace for yourself

If you grew up with a certain belief system, you will undoubtably carry some
of those beliefs into your adult life, and pass them on to your children. We
rely on the values and beliefs that are familiar. It’s not your fault that there
are healthier values and belief systems that you didn’t even know were an
option. Once you know better, do better. And forgive yourself for the time
spent not knowing.

Accountability for others

It’s not okay for someone to make you or anyone else feel less-than, for any
reason. It’s not okay for someone to scare you into living a life by their
rules. It’s not okay for someone to yell or laugh at you, simply because you
see things di!erently or ask questions.

Healthy people listen and communicate when faced with di!ering beliefs.
Healthy families and churches do not use fear to get their way. If you are in
a relationship or a member of a congregation where values and beliefs are
mandated and enforced by emotional or physical intimidation, threats, or
manipulation, it’s normal and natural to ask questions and expect honest
:
 answers.

Accountability for yourself

In order to break the generational cycle of spiritual abuse, someone has to
get intentional and curious about family religious practices and beliefs. If
not you, then who? It takes courage to dig in and ask hard questions. Take
some time to ask yourself whether your religious practices match up with
your internal sense of right and wrong. If not, it may be time to make a
change.

Boundaries for others

Taking a stand against spiritual abuse may be one of the hardest type of
boundaries to set. Often, entire family systems are so entrenched in
religious traditions that to make a change leaves those who deviate feeling
completely alone. Prior to setting boundaries with others, make sure you
have a support system in place that is aware of what you’re going through,
separate from your religious system. Sometimes it’s easy to forget that
there’s a whole wide world beyond the strict and controlled world of
spiritual abuse. But I promise, there is!

Boundaries for yourself

Work hard to disengage from toxic patterns. Seek out the help you need to
process your trauma in healthy ways. It won’t do any good to remove
yourself from your current circumstances if you don’t put in the internal
work to form a healthier new perspective.
:
 What is spiritual deconstruction?
Spiritual deconstruction is a term coined by French philosopher Jacques
Derrida, and popularized by American cartoonist and author David
Hayward. It refers to the process a person undergoes to reconsider their
own spiritual beliefs and religious culture. It typically refers specifically to
evangelical Christianity, but I’ve seen it applied to Catholicism and Latter
Day Saints as well.

Deconstruction can be an overwhelming and lonely process, as many

people who undergo spiritual deconstruction are alienated or rejected from
their family and peer groups. Spiritual deconstruction goes hand-in-hand
with spiritual trauma and abuse. Where abuse is identified, deconstruction
will likely follow.
:
 The Good News
The good news is, there is an ever-increasing community of safe spaces for
those undergoing spiritual deconstruction. There are virtual social media
support groups, as well as in-person meet-up groups in many communities.
Help, support, encouragement, and a new way of doing life is just a google
search away.

Keep in mind! Trauma survivors are vulnerable to being revictimized. Take

your time and don’t rush into a new belief system. It can be hard feeling
grounded when you’ve come to believe that you are nothing without a
religion. Allow yourself to sit in the discomfort for a time, rather than
replacing one belief system with another.

A healthy religion recognizes the inherent value in you, just as you are.
Resist the urge stumble into something new. Find a supportive therapist,
and let the healing begin. Once you have confidence in yourself, and trust
that your peer group loves and accepts you just as you are, you are then
ready to explore new faith traditions that are a healthier expression of your
spirituality.

Help is available!
If you feel trapped in circumstances beyond your control, or feel physically
unsafe, in the U.S. 911 or the National Domestic Violence Hotline: (800)
799-7233. Operators will help you find resources in your area to help you
break free, once and for all.
:
 Learn more...
To learn more about the Redefining Love Way, I encourage you to browse
the site. Have questions? Feel free to email me at sara@sarabethwald.com,
or schedule a free discovery call.

For more information on how to join the Redefining Love Community,

please visit redefine-love.com/coaching.

Related Links:
What is Redefining Love?
Boundaries
Accountability
Grace
The Three Pillars
The Shame Cycle
Dealing with Anger
Toxic Relationships
Forgiveness
The Family Connection
For the sake of the kids
It feels personal, but it’s not
Physical Abuse and Redefining Love
Sexual Abuse and Redefining Love
How we get trapped in toxic circumstances
Naming, blaming, and the uncluttered subconscious

← Previous Post Next Post →

:
 Leave a Comment
Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Type here..

Name* Email* Website

Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I
comment.

Post Comment »

User Agreement |
Privacy Policy
Copyright © 2024 Redefining Love | Site by Content Empowered
: