Redefining Love $0.

00
0

Change the way you love. Change your life. Change the world.

What is Redefining Love The Three Pillars Workshops

Events Learning Blog Shop About Contact

Self-Trust: Trusting Your Own Discernment

Leave a Comment / Accountability, Boundaries, Family, Grace, The Shame Cycle,
Toxic Relationships
We use / By
cookies on our Sara Wald
website to give/ February 21, relevant
you the most 2023 experience by remembering your pref
repeat visits. By clicking “Accept All”, you consent to the use of ALL the cookies. However, you may v
Settings" to provide a controlled consent.
:
 When I searched online for a definition of discernment, I found two
definitions; a secular – meaning “the ability to judge well,” and a spiritual –
meaning “perception of judgement with a view of obtaining spiritual
guidance and understanding.”

Discernment might be called “intuition” or “trusting your gut.” It relates to

the idea that we have an innate, inner knowing that guides our decisions.

A primary fallout of trauma is a loss of discernment. When our brain gets

stuck inside a traumatic experience, our inner compass gets stuck right
along with it. There are multiple reasons for this:

Gaslighting
If our trauma is caused by any type of family or relationship dysfunction, it’s
very likely that gaslighting was a part of it. Gaslighting is a form of
manipulation in which the target is made to question their observations,
perceptions, and intuition by being fed constant contradictions to obvious
reality.

In its most extreme form, gaslighting is a dangerous form of emotional

abuse. But not everyone who gaslights is an abuser. Gaslighting sometimes
occurs within complex relationships when one or both individuals within a
relationships is unwilling or unable to dig into their own trauma experience.

Because their subconscious is deeply rooted in denial, they may be

unaware that their trauma is interfering with their perception of reality. I’ve
often said that we are all toxic to someone. Typically, this occurs when we
are not holding ourselves accountable for our own healing from trauma.
:
 Accepting mistreatment
Another way our discernment shows up is in how we allow other people to
treat us. When we get stuck within a traumatic experience, the triggered
state becomes our normal. Individuals who grew up in highly dysfunctional
households may not even know what it feels like to not be dysregulated.
Feeling dysregulated feels so familiar to a trauma survivor that healthy
interactions are actually uncomfortable.

Someone may feel like a “loser magnet,” as though toxic people are just
drawn to them. But in reality, it is our own mind that is drawn to familiar
personalities. If all you’ve ever known is abuse, manipulation, dishonesty,
and emotional instability, that is what your subconscious mind is going to
seek out in relationships.

This is why it is so important for trauma survivors to build a support system

of healthy individuals who will hold them accountable and speak truthfully
when they see them stepping into an unhealthy relationship. Building a
healthy community provides the survivor with discernment until they have
achieved enough healing to trust themselves again (or possibly, for the first
time!).

Lack of self-trust
When trauma becomes stuck in our brains and bodies, our brain’s internal
warning system gets confused or shut down entirely. Our brain uses our
emotions and physical sensations such as pain and other senses to warn us
about external stimuli. Two components are required for this system to
work properly: acknowledgement and action. We must acknowledge the
danger, and then we must act to move ourselves to safety.

Our subconscious brains have not evolved much since prehistoric times. If
:
 our brain perceives danger, it wants us identify the danger
(acknowledgement) and then react with fight, flight, or freeze (action). But
our modern world rarely o"ers the opportunity to take these necessary
processing steps.

For example, if you were to get into a car accident, your brain sends a
message to your body that danger is present in the form of fear. But rarely
in the aftermath of a car accident do we have the opportunity acknowledge
and act on that fear.

It isn’t often that we get in an accident, and say to ourselves, “I got into an
accident!” and then start running away from the scene. In fact, if we did
that, depending on the circumstances, we may face serious legal
ramifications if we did that.

If the accident is serious, you will probably go into shock. Even if you are
able to extract yourself from the wreckage, you will likely sit in stunned
silence nearby until help arrives. There is no acknowledgement, and no
action.

If the accident is minor, most of us don’t take a quiet moment to take some
deep breaths and regulate our bodies with acknowledgement and action.
Instead, we immediately start digging for our registration and insurance,
perhaps call the police to report the accident, or call our insurance
company. We basically go right back to taking care of the details of life,
without acknowledging the trauma occurred at all.

It’s no wonder our brain gets confused! When we don’t heed its warnings,
we are communicating to our subconscious that what it perceives as
danger is not worthy of our attention. Our brain responds in one of three
ways:

It gets stuck on
:
 Everyone’s brain reacts to unprocessed trauma di"erently. Some brains will
get stuck in a state of warning. Suddenly, everything feels scary and
threatening. This manifests as anxiety and depression.

It gets stuck o!

The way we react to its warnings communicates to our subconscious brain.

If we consistently ignore it’s warnings of danger – such as an abuse
situation in which we are unable to escape – we are communicating to our
brain that the situation is safe, even if it’s actually not. So the brain turns o"
the warning. This shows up in people’s lives with a sense of numbness or
general disinterest in life.

Wires get crossed

After repeated instances of unprocessed trauma, our subconscious brain

gets confused. It doesn’t know what is actually a threat, or how it should
react. We’ve all known someone who’s emotional responses don’t match
the circumstance. They laugh at funerals, and cry at birthday parties.
Perhaps this has happened to you!
:
 Our response to trauma is inherently
flawed
It isn’t uncommon for trauma survivors to have one or a combination of all
three of these responses. The very nature of the modern response to
trauma makes these experiences almost universal.

Unfortunately, the way humans respond to trauma makes it almost

impossible for us to respond to trauma in a healthy way. When faced with
trauma, we are expected to get through it as quickly and quietly as
possible, or pretend it didn’t happen at all.

Although things are slowly changing, for hundreds – even thousands! – of

years, humans have done everything we can to “overcome” hardship,
instead of allowing ourselves to go through hardship. Here are some
examples:

Abuse and assault are taboo subjects.

Physical injuries from accidents are treated and released, with little
or no discussion about the accident itself.
Nobody back home wants to hear the gory details of a veteran’s
experience in combat.
Dysfunctional family systems (and culture at large) has a tendency to
shun survivors of emotional abuse who have the audacity to speak
out publicly against their experiences, compounding their trauma
with more unprocessed mistreatment.

So what can we do?

The good news is, just as trauma can get stuck, so too can it be unstuck. It is
never too late to acknowledge and act to move held trauma through and
:
 out. Here are some ways each of us can help heal our individual trauma, as
well as our collective trauma:

Do the work! Instead of following the cultural norm of pretending the

bad thing never happened, face it head on. Approach healing with
intentional e"ort. Accept the reality that you cannot ignore your
problems until they go away. In therapy circles, this is called naming
your experiences, which is just another word for acknowledging

Another term we often hear is “tell your truth.” Sadly, the cultural
norm is to deny bad things ever happened, which is a form of lying
by omission. Sharing our trauma stories is another powerful way to
name or acknowledge our experiences, which is giving our brain one
of the two responses it needs to release trauma.

Once you’ve named your trauma (which is acknowledging it), there

are endless ways to move your trauma safely out of your system. The
sciences call physical response to trauma processing somatics, which
refers to using movement to release held trauma or discomfort.
Neuroscience and psychology are only now starting to recognize
what many spiritual and religious practices have known for
thousands of years. Practices such as yoga, breathwork,
acupuncture, massage, and martial arts have long used movement
for wellness. Some modern practices such as EMDR and EFT tapping
have similar results.

In truth, any movement, combined with intentional focus on the

problem you seek to address, can have a healing e"ect. Anything
from kickboxing to hiking to writing, when done while holding space
for the traumatic experience, can be deeply healing.

Listen to your body. Once you’ve learned how to acknowledge and act
when trauma occurs, make it a part of your daily practice. Spend
time each day going inward to name your experiences. What
:
 emotions are you feeling today? Do you have discomfort in your
body? What messages is your brain sending in the form of emotions
and body sensations?t
:
 Holding space for others
In order to change cultural norms, we must create an atmosphere that is
safe to acknowledge and act when trauma occurs. Here are some ways we
can work together to remove the shame surrounding trauma.

Create safe spaces for others to share their stories and experiences.
This does not require that we all become therapists. We can begin
integrating safe spaces into our daily lives simply by being a safe
person for others to share their truth and heal their trauma.

Remove barriers to mental health Again, you don’t have to become a

lobbyist in Washington D.C. to create change. Employers can allow
mental health days as part of their benefits packages. Parents can
seek mental health care for their children when they are struggling.
We can suggest to a friend they take a day o" to process their
experiences.

Normalize mental health It’s shocking to me how many people still

refuse to go to therapy. In my household, counseling is as normal as
dentist appointments. My husband and I both go to therapy, as have
both of my boys at di"erent times.

Avoid shaming the healing process. When someone says, “I don’t

need counseling. I’m not crazy,” they are speaking from a place of
shame. Somewhere along the way, they came to believe that getting
help for trauma healing was a sign of weakness. This needs to
change. We need to support, celebrate, and encourage each other to
step bravely and boldly into our healing journey.
:
 Our bodies are so wise
So often in life, we get hurt emotionally or physically because we aren’t
paying attention to the cues our bodies are giving us. Our bodies are so
wise! They give us all the information we need about the world and our
relationships, but we have learned to ignore those warnings and signals.

Typically, men ignore their emotions and physical sensations because they
do not want to appear “weak,” and women ignore their emotions and
physical sensations because they want to be “nice.” The result is a lack of
healthy boundaries, which leads to toxic abuse and gender roles that create
generational trauma and abuse cycles.

Our culture will shift when we learn to embrace and integrate the incredible
wisdom in our minds and bodies. Every time an individual steps into their
trauma journey with courage and grace, they are not only taking an
important step towards healing, but they are helping to heal our cultural as
a whole.

Learn more...
To learn more about the Redefining Love Way, I encourage you to browse
the site. Have questions? Feel free to email me at sara@sarabethwald.com,
or schedule a free discovery call.

For more information on how to join the Redefining Love Community,

please visit redefine-love.com/coaching.
:
 Related Links:
What is Redefining Love?
Boundaries
Accountability
Grace
Toxic Relationships
The Shame Cycle
The Family Connection
Mental Health
14 Modalities to Reset Your Brain After Trauma
How we get trapped in toxic circumstances
Naming, blaming, and the uncluttered subconscious
Understanding emotions
Gaslighting vs. Greenlighting: It’s All About Control
What does it mean to hold space for someone

← Previous Post Next Post →

Leave a Comment
Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *
:
 Type here..

Name* Email* Website

Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I
comment.

Post Comment »

User Agreement |
Privacy Policy
Copyright © 2024 Redefining Love | Site by Content Empowered
: