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Why are we uncomfortable with accountability?

Leave a Comment / Accountability, Boundaries, Grace / By Sara Wald / January 24,
2023
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is that we must have all three pillars in balance, both
inwardly and outwardly, in order to redefine love. There is no starting point.
You get to just start where you’re at, in any given circumstance. Here is a
handy graphic to help you visualize this…
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 I’ve observed through coaching and client work that people tend to grasp
boundaries and grace pretty quickly. We understand that we have to set
limits around our time, energy, and physical environment in order to
determine what space we take up in the world (which is boundaries). And
we understand that we need to accept where we and others are at in their
personal journey through life (which is grace).

But accountability…

Ugh. It feels a little uncomfortable to even say the word. But why, exactly?
Do we associate it with conflict? With judgement? With shame? With hard
truths and awkward conversations? In short, yes to all of these questions.
So I’d like to remove some of that discomfort, one issue at a time:

Conflict
Confession… I used to be terrified of conflict, but now, I actually kind of like
it! On its face, it seems like anyone who likes conflict must be a masochist.
But hear me out on this. I view conflict as an opportunity to resolve issues
that have been festering. From my perspective, the sooner we get down to
the nitty gritty of an issue, the smaller the conflict is necessary to clear the
air.
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 Conflict is a natural part of the human experience. It is inherent in the
whole free will and individuality thing. We are all di!erent, which means we
will never all agree. Therefore, acceptance of the reality of conflict is an
acceptance of reality in general.

It isn’t realistic to assume that we are always going to get along.

Unfortunately, some of the circumstances that are the most ripe for conflict
are the ones in which we place the most expectations for all the warm
fuzzies.

Take the holidays, for example. We expect to things to be just right – love,
laughter, great food, great connection with people we love. If ever there
was a time for all things to be peaceful, it is in these moments, right? And
yet…

We are gathering with people with whom we share the most baggage,
whom we probably don’t see all that often, who are bringing all sorts of
di!erent worldviews, often over religious holidays that are highly personal
and deeply meaningful.

Add to that the mountain of food that must be prepared, gifts to purchase
and wrap, decorations to put out, and the incredible expense of it all, and…
C’mom, folks – this is a recipe for disaster! The chances of nobody feeling
resentful for having to cook, decorate, clean, and/or shop more than
everyone else are miniscule.

The chances of nobody being insulted or wondering about what sort of

passive aggressive message is being sent by a particular gift purchased, or
who gets the first (or last) piece of white (or dark) meat… The opportunities
for conflict are endless!

My husband and I are now able to laugh that one of the biggest fights we
ever had was over him eating all the Santa cookies. I mean, it was a big
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 fight! If your family isn’t doing at least a little sparring over the holidays, you
deserve a gold star and should be teaching seminars on healthy family
dynamics.

It’s just not realistic to assume that a conflict-free existence is possible! And
this applies to anything. When somebody gets a promotion at work, there’s
somebody else who didn’t. A big snowstorm hits the city; who gets their
street plowed first? And last? It’s got to be somebody!

No matter where you turn, conflict is a part of life. Rather than fight against
it, we should be learning how to do conflict better. But how, exactly, do we
do that?

That’s where grace and boundaries come in. The better grasp we have of
our boundaries and the space we take up in the world, the less we allow
others to overstep, or to overstep someone else. When we understand that
we are all doing the best we can at life with the limited tools we’ve got at
our disposal, the easier it is to have hard conversations with empathy and
grace.

When we change the way we view conflict – as an opportunity to grow

rather than a fight to win – accountability doesn’t feel so scary.

Judgement
I’ve long said that judgement is the great equalizer. It is the one sin we all
commit every single day. Whether we are grumbling about the other
drivers on the road, or arguing with strangers on social media, we all do a
little (or a lot) of judging every day.

How many of you don’t like the word “sin?” I used that word on purpose. So
many people have a lot of big feelings about that word. Without even
realizing it, when you read that sentence, almost all of us made a
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 judgement:

“How great that Sara is calling out our sinful nature!”

“And here I thought Sara wasn’t a party to that religious nonsense!”

See how easy it is to slip into judgement mode without even realizing it?
Like conflict, judgement is another one of those inevitable life things that
we need to accept. But unlike conflict, it’s not unavoidable. It comes down
to the idea that we can’t control other people, but we can control ourselves.

Conflict is inevitable because we are all di!erent. And unless we all live in
our own private vacuum, we’re going to run into conflicting worldviews and
approaches to life.

Judgement, on the other hand, is well within our control. The more we can
master the meanderings of our thoughts and feelings, the more at peace
we become. And, the more we become masters of our own thoughts, the
easier it is to hold ourselves and others accountable.

Think about it… If we acknowledge that we are in control of our own

thoughts, it becomes very di"cult to ignore when our thoughts lead us
astray. I’m at the point now where I’ll fix my thoughts (and thus also my
actions) about a million times per day. It isn’t that the opportunities to pass
judgement are any less. It’s just that I’m accountable to my own thoughts
and feelings when the opportunity to judge arises.

And, when we acknowledge that others are in control of their own thoughts,
it becomes easier to recognize where their actions are harming others
(including, perhaps, ourselves). Of course, once again, you can’t truly hold
others accountable without boundaries and grace. How can you hold
someone else accountable if you haven’t identified the space you take up in
the world? If you haven’t identified your boundaries?
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 And grace, well… accountability without grace is self-righteousness. As soon
as we begin feeling morally superior to someone else, a peaceful balance in
the relationship becomes impossible.

Said another way, judgement becomes accountability when combined with

boundaries and grace. And accountability is a powerful tool of discernment
that can be used to determine whom to include in our close circle, and
whom to love from a safe distance. Defined in this way, judgement
becomes a lot less uncomfortable for all involved.
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 Shame
Perhaps the hardest part of accountability is that it requires us to look
directly into the heart of shame, either our own or someone else’s. And
that’s a hard thing to do, for all of us. What makes it easier for me when I’m
struggling with shame, whether it be my own or another’s, is to remember
that we all carry shame within us. It’s part of the human condition.

And so, rather than see it as something to be hidden, I instead view shame
as something to be shared, so that it doesn’t feel so heavy. In fact, in my
experience, once shame is acknowledged and named, it is released. This
may not make shame any less painful, but it does make the pain more
bearable.

I liken it to the di!erence between childbirth and other sorts of profoundly

painful physical experiences (of which I’ve unfortunately had more than my
fair share). I can personally testify that having a baby – though just as
painful as other medical emergencies – is an entirely di!erent experience.

The di!erence lies in the outcome. When the pain of labor starts, there is
the anticipation of finally meeting this new human being that’s about to
enter the world. This makes it distinct from my other trips to the ER. Yes,
there is some fear when going into labor, particularly for the first time. But
there is also the joy of anticipation.

If we can reframe our perspective towards shame to one in which we face it

with not only fear, but also joyful anticipation of the release of the
burdened created by the shame, it becomes easier to face. It still hurts, but
you know that the payo! at the end makes it worth the trouble.
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 Hard truths and awkward conversations
Let’s face it. Holding ourselves and others accountable requires brutal
honesty, and is usually accompanied by a challenging discussion that both
parties would rather not have. Most of us tend to stumble through these
di"cult conversations, finding ourselves unable to find the right words to
properly communicate our point.

And again, as always, I come back to boundaries and grace. Mostly grace, in
this case. If the relationship is one worth saving, the other person will give
you grace through the struggle. If they do not, then this may be the biggest
indicator yet that this person is better loved from a distance that is
emotionally (and in some instances physically) safe for you (which requires
boundaries).

Holding grace in your own heart helps you to love yourself and the other
person through the awkwardness. In the best case, perhaps you can laugh
a little at how deeply uncomfortable the topic is for you both. Grace helps
to clear our thoughts, because we aren’t so worried about delivering the
necessary information perfectly.

There is no space for or expectation of perfection in the boundaries,

accountability, and grace paradigm. Accountability doesn’t require a perfect
delivery. It only requires that you confront the truth with gentle courage.
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 We make it harder than it needs to be.
It’s been said that 99 percent of the things we worry about will never
happen. I don’t know about you, but this is certainly the case for me. How
many times have I stewed and tossed and turned during sleepless nights,
only to discover that the actual event was not that big of a deal? Or, in some
cases, actually enjoyable. If I had to estimate, I’d say… about 99 percent of
the time.

I must be honest, however, that within the remaining one percent of the
time, there have been a few instances where I tried to have that hard
accountability conversation and it actually turned out worse than I’d
anticipated.

But here’s the thing. I’m still here. The world didn’t stop turning. There was
pain involved, but every time… Every. Single. Time. Things ended up working
out. I can’t promise life will be conflict free. But I can promise that, when
balanced with boundaries and grace, accountability is not nearly as scary
and di"cult as we fear.

Learn more...
To learn more about the Redefining Love Way, I encourage you to browse
the site. Have questions? Feel free to email me at sara@sarabethwald.com.

For more information on how to join the Redefining Love Community,

please visit redefine-love.com/coaching.
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 Related Links
What is Redefining Love?
The Three Pillars
Boundaries
Accountability
Grace
The Shame Cycle

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