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Holiday permissions
Leave a Comment / Accountability, Boundaries, Family, Grace, Toxic Relationships
/ By Sara Wald / December 20, 2022

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 Redefining Love is all about grace, and there is perhaps no other time of
year where we all need to give and receive grace than the holidays. Yes, this
is in so many ways a special and magical time of year. But creating that
sense of magic is a whole lot of work, costs a whole lot of money, and on
top of it, depending on where you live, it’s freezing outside.

Several years ago, in December of 2019, I wrote a blog post called Holiday
permissions. Since this was first published, we’ve had covid, a more-than-
usual contentious election, an insurrection, inflation, skyrocketing interest…
the list goes on. And that’s just in the U.S. People worldwide are struggling
during these complicated times.

So it seems fitting to resurrect this still-relevant post, and revisit the

permissions that we all need to hear this year.

Holiday permissions
Originally published on the Redefining Love blog on December 10, 2019.

The holidays are really hard for a lot of people. Like, hardest time of the
year hard. Hard with a capital H. Crazy hard. Barely able to get out of bed
hard.

Oh, believe me, I’ve been there. I’ve had Novembers and Decembers I didn’t
know how I would survive.

The holidays are hectic for everyone. But for people already going through
hard times they can be almost intolerable. It’s like shouting in their face,
“You’re supposed to be super happy right now, but your life SUCKS!”

The struggle is real

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 The struggle is real
The holidays are harder for people who feel alone. Maybe you feel alone
because you truly are physically alone, in a nursing home or a dorm room
or an apartment or a little old house or an enormous brand new house.

Maybe you feel alone even though you are surrounded by people, because
your marriage is falling apart, or you’re in an abusive relationship, or you
just realized you have been living a lie and all your friends are fake, or you
don’t realize you’re living a lie, but you know you feel empty inside and can’t
figure out why.

The holidays are harder for people who have su"ered a loss since the last
round of holidays. There are all these firsts… First Thanksgiving without
him, First Christmas without her. What to do with that person’s stocking?
Do you hang it up anyway?

You were just getting good at pretending it didn’t hurt to breath and now
you are being forced to acknowledge the empty chair at the dinner table.

The holidays are hard for people who were already overwhelmed. The bills
were piling up before you were supposed to buy Christmas gifts for your
kids. Cooking and cleaning and caring for your family was impossible to
stay on top of before you had to drag a damn tree in your house and bake
endless cookies for bake sales and cookie exchanges. Work was stressful
enough without having to take time o" for Christmas programs and
volunteering and gift shopping.

You’re supposed to experience the joy of giving, but you’ve got nothing left.
How are you supposed to give to everyone else when you’re already tapped
out?

Holidays are hard for those with dysfunctional and estranged families, for
those with addiction, for those going through a divorce or struggling to co-
parent children, for those struggling to maintain a healthy weight and
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 lifestyle, for those with chronic health problems…

The holidays are, for so many, just plain

hard.
Speaking as someone who has experienced so, so many of these tough
holiday seasons, I’d like to share with you what I’ve learned. Because here’s
the thing… I am currently still experiencing some of these hard things. Yet
I’ve learned to find joy in spite of it all, by giving myself permission.

f you need someone to give you permission to be joyful this holiday season,
let me be that person.
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 I give you permission to…
…Cry whenever you need to.

…Laugh in spite of your despair.

…Step away from the chaos and just be quiet for a moment.

…Say no to whatever drains your spirit – parties, gatherings, volunteering,

donating, toxic relationships, decorating, elaborate gift giving, elaborate
cooking and baking, hosting, guesting, and anything else you just can’t this
year.

…Set boundaries against unreasonable expectations or toxic behaviors.

…Turn o" the buzz of media and negative social or cultural debates.

…Spend the holiday however you and your beloveds want and need,
regardless of the expectations of others.

…Talk about your loss, even when it makes others uncomfortable because
you are dragging down their holiday high.

…Ask for help.

…Seek relationships with people who listen, bring you healing, and give
you grace.

…Be loved by those who bring you joy.

…Feel hope that there are better holidays to come.

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 The stu! of life knows no season.
Despair, pain, and crisis don’t take a holiday break. It is not realistic to
presume that every single November and December will be joyful. That’s
not real life.

This year, if you are in despair, know that you are not alone. The truth is,
most of us have been there. Seek out support with others who will love you
through your pain, your grief, your struggle. And disregard the expectations
of those unable or unwilling to be real.

If you are having a good year, seek out those around you who may not be
so fortunate. It doesn’t take much. All you have to do is listen. Be present. If
you have the emotional strength to do so, put your discomfort aside.
Recognize that the holidays are tough for some people.

The gift of grace

In this season of giving, let’s give the gift of grace to ourselves and others.
What we really need this time of year is the same thing we always need –
permission to be our messy, joyful, despairing, complicated selves.

Learn more...
To learn more about the Redefining Love Way, I encourage you to browse
the site. Have questions? Feel free to email me at sara@sarabethwald.com.

For more information on how to join the Redefining Love Community,

please visit redefine-love.com/coaching.
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 Related Links
How do I redefine love?
20 Permissions
20 Responsibilities
Accountability
Speak the Language
The Family Connection
The Romance Connection
Health Connection
Boundaries
Toxic Relationships
Grace

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