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Relational Shame Cycles

Leave a Comment / Accountability, Boundaries, Coaching, Dealing with Anger,
Grace, The Shame Cycle / By Sara Wald / June 8, 2022

I talk a lot in Redefining Love about the Three Pillars of Boundaries,

Accountability, and Grace. As a review, these three principals must be in
balance both internally, towards self, and externally, towards others in
order to maintain peace in your complex relationships. So the key is to
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is a relational shame cycle.
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 What is a relational shame cycle?
You may have heard about shame cycles from a psychology standpoint.
This is referring to a cycle of shame within yourself – you make a mistake,
you feel guilty for the mistake, you try to hide the mistake, you feel crummy
about yourself and your life, you try to self-soothe with numbing behaviors
such as substances, self-harm, compulsive spending, etc.,, which puts you
right back into that same place of guilt. This is not the shame cycle I’m
talking about in Redefining Love.

When I talk about shame cycles, I’m talking about relational shame. When
we don’t have boundaries, accountability, and grace in balance, we react to
external events with shame. Relational shame is contagious, meaning that
unless someone intentionally shuts it down, it keeps getting passed on
from one person to another.
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 Steps of the relational shame cycle:
Someone refuses accountability for a mistake.
They become outwardly defensive, and inwardly ashamed.
They work to cover up their mistakes and align others to their point
of view.
When faced with an angry, defensive person, others become angry
and defensive.
Others refuse accountability because they did nothing to make the
other person angry.
They pass their shame on to others by being defensive and angry.

When we are caught up in a shame cycle, we are both the purveyor and
recipient of shame. We dish it out just as fast as we are taking it in.

Abuse creates the ultimate shame cycle. But there are other, less obvious
shame cycles going on all the time in everyday situations. Someone has a
disagreement at the o"ce. They stop by the grocery store after work and
are snappy with the checkout clerk. The checkout clerk becomes defensive
and snaps at the bagging attendant. The bagging attendant complains to
the manager. The manager snaps at the deli manager.

All five people go home grouchy and snappy with their families at the end
of the work day. What started at one person’s o"ce suddenly a!ects not
only their own family, but four other families as well. Unless somebody
stops this shame cycle in its tracks, it’s going to just keep spinning.
:
 We can’t control how the other person
reacts.
When we choose to respond to other people’s shame with boundaries,
accountability, and grace, we stop the shame cycle in its tracks. It is entirely
possible (maybe even probable) that the other person will continue on with
the shame cycle without you. And there’s the key phrase: without YOU. Just
because other people are spinning in an endless cycle of shame doesn’t
mean you have to be a part of it.

When we try to manage other people’s actions and feelings, we are crossing
over from where we end, and they begin. We are stepping into their
territory. Their feelings are not yours to manage or carry. With practice, you
can come to a place where you recognize what is yours to carry, and what is
not.

In past discussions we have worked on determining the space you take up

in the world. Once we understand what space we take up, and give
ourselves permission to reside in that space, we can easily identify what is
ours to carry, and what is not.
:
 Reacting vs Responding
There is a distinct di!erence between reacting and responding. When we
continue with a shame cycle, we react with anger and shame, and pass the
shame back to the other person.

When we make an intentional e!ort to end the shame cycle, we take the
time to consider the situation. We respond with boundaries, accountability,
and grace. Whether we react or respond to any given situation is a choice.

REACT = Anger & Shame

RESPOND = Boundaries, Accountability, & Grace

Responding requires intention.

Without intentional reflection on your own feelings and the feelings of the
other person, shame grows entirely in our subconscious without our even
being aware of it. In our example above, if either the customer or the
checkout clerk had reflected on their own feelings and the feelings of the
other person, the entire scenario would have ended quickly and without
incident.

Redefining Love breaks the relational shame cycle because it requires

accountability, which requires you to look within yourself and the other
person for their motivations behind their behavior. When you’ve redefined
love, you’re able to set boundaries around what is and isn’t yours to carry.
You’re also able to recognize that the other person is struggling. This
empathy is grace.
:
 Redefining Love eliminates guilt.
When you’ve redefined love, you don’t feel guilty about setting boundaries,
because you realize that setting boundaries is an act of love. You are telling
the other person where you end and they begin – you are allowing for both
people to take up space. You respect yourself enough to realize that the
other person’s shame does not belong to you, and you love them enough
to give them grace in their own struggle.

Think of how beautiful the world would be if everyone made an intentional

e!ort to end relational shame cycles!

Learn more...
To learn more about the Redefining Love Way, I encourage you to browse
the site. Have questions? Feel free to email me at sara@sarabethwald.com,
or schedule a free discovery call.

For more information on how to join the Redefining Love Community,

please visit redefine-love.com/coaching.

Related Links
What is Redefining Love?
The Shame Cycle
Boundaries
Accountability
Grace
Dealing with Anger
The Three Pillars
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